- You are listening to living BDSM podcast.
Kayla Lord's here with a one.
The only, the, you're a little chipper,
but also a lot sadistic today.
John Brownstone. I am like, you're,
you're a cheerful sadist. .
- Is there any other way to be ?
- I mean, you know, if, uh, if
media would have you believe
otherwise y'all are all supposed to be dark,
maybe slightly demonic brooding.
- Well, there is, but we take great joy in what we do.
.
- Well, what can you say to that? ?
Uh, do what you love
and you'll never work a day in your life.
Right,
- Right.
- That's not at all what we're here for .
We've already gone off the rails 30 seconds
and a minute and whatever.
Uh, this week what we're here
to do is answer a question from a kister who's attending
in-person kink events
and trying to be part of the community,
but struggles to create connections with other people
to find a potential partner.
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Okay. Let's get right into the question.
- All right. - I've been an active member of the community
for about three years, and I've gone to munches rope classes
and even Jams a rope free for all.
Basically, I seem
to start off overwhelmed when I get to a munch.
I sometimes see people I know from other events,
but when I try to open up
and be social, it takes too much time.
I feel like people have their group
and end up just joining a group
and sort of isolating myself from the rest of the event.
It seems I may have found my physical community,
but when it comes to a long-term partner, I seem
to be striking out While it seems others are getting there,
any tips on how to properly open up?
And I think they said meant get close.
- Mm-Hmm. . Hmm.
I don't, wow. That's, that's kind of tough.
- It is. But there's, there's a line in here
that stood out to me from everything.
Mm-Hmm. . And I think this could be
part of the problem.
- Okay. Um, - Where was it?
Um, it takes too much time.
- Mm. And,
and see that's something that you can't get around.
It's, it's gonna take time. Mm-Hmm.
- And making friends with adults is one
of the hardest things we
- Do as human - Beings.
It is. Uh, it's not like when you were a kid
and your friend just happened to be Mm-Hmm.
in the same class sitting next to you,
liked the same color crayon you like,
- You know?
Yeah. And, and you know, I, I go back to something
somebody told me when I was young.
Um, you know, you're, you're,
you're thinking about a potential partner, you know, down,
down the road as part of the reason for doing this.
And that's, that's well and good.
And, you know, it's understandable
because we all wanna meet our, our partner or partners,
however it may be.
And I, I think sometimes
you get too focused on finding a partner.
Mm-Hmm. . And, and you need to let go of that
and step back and make friends in the community first.
Mm-Hmm. . Alright. Mm-Hmm.
build a, a, a friend base and,
and you then from there, you never know what will happen.
- Right. And I, I agree with you.
I think that there's part of this,
based on the actual question
and how I'm sort of reading into it, is sort
of this walking up to a group going,
okay, I've seen them around.
This should be fine. I'll just join the conversation.
Mm-Hmm. . And then having that moment
where you feel awkward and are, do the people exist
who can just seamlessly be part of the group?
Yes. Mm-Hmm. I think more
of us than not sure.
Are just awkward about it.
And I, I think it's okay
to just have a conversation at an event with one person.
Mm-Hmm. with two people to do
what you call isolating yourself,
but being with just one group for that event.
Because the longer you are with the same people
multiple times at multiple different events,
the more you either realize these are your people.
Mm-Hmm. . These are not your people.
You might make a connection with a single person in the
group, but that's the person who's happy
to see you when you show up.
Mm-Hmm. . But all of that takes
- Time.
Right. And, and you know what?
You, you, you, you go with a group
and you know, you spend the time with them
and you may find out that they are not your people.
Mm-Hmm. . And that's okay.
You, you move on and, and you look for your people.
- And I think there's something too that I think if you are
not easily getting comfortable
with the same people you happen to be around
after multiple events,
I don't think you're doing anything wrong.
And I don't think they're necessarily doing anything wrong.
I think the vibe might be off. Mm-Hmm. .
And maybe it's time to do that sort of awkward mix,
mingle dance of, okay, not these people,
but I'll just wander off to this group.
And I, like, I really suck at making friends.
I'm not a, uh, an easily social person
in person at, at actual events.
Um, but what I have found for me over the time, over years
is just being a good listener.
People really, if they're ready
to talk, they really want to talk.
They're happy to talk about
themselves if they can get started.
Not all of us are like that, but for people who are,
and you know who they're looking for, they're looking
for somebody who will listen to them.
And I have been drawn into conversations
and into groups where people think, like,
think I'm a great person.
And I think I said three words. I, all I did was listen.
So if you're feeling awkward,
but there's somebody having a conversation there
that you're kind of interested in,
or there's a group where you're like, I kind
of like their vibe, I
kind of would like to know more about them.
Mm-Hmm. , assuming it's not intrusive to do,
like that can sometimes be hard to read.
If it's a closed group
and they're like shielding their bodies and it's not open
and there's not a seat at the table
or whatever, you know, maybe don't,
you know, put yourself there.
But if there's a seat at a table
and somebody's having a conversation
that you're remotely interested in,
just ask if you can sit there
and you don't have to do anything else.
If you'll just listen sometimes that will get you in
with a group.
And sometimes that'll help you figure out if
that's a group you vibe with.
And you don't actually have to do a lot necessarily.
- True. And you know what,
I'll let you in on a little secret.
You know, I have been attending munches and, and workshops
and various lifestyle, um, functions since the mid nineties.
And there are times I feel awkward.
- Yeah. I think, I think most of us do.
I think every once in a while there's that, that extrovert
that's also very confident and they just don't.
But I think mm-Hmm. more often than not even
the extroverts are gonna have days where like, okay,
what am I even talking about?
Does anybody even like me?
What, what does anything, even me,
I think we all have those moments.
Sure. Some of us have them more often than not.
Um, some of us just feel like we're awkward people. .
There's also the thing I've noticed, um, where it's a,
there's a word I want, continuity is not quite the,
the right word, but where you see the same people over
and over again, it's a time thing
and a sort of a numbers thing.
I have, you know, come into contact
with people very infrequently in our in-person community.
And yet people are very kind to me.
Part of it is 'cause they know drop
browns don't, and they like him.
And part of it is they've seen me often enough
to have a comfort level with me.
And so, you know, you talk about, you know,
ending up joining a group and sort of isolating.
But if you join that group often enough, again,
if the vibes are right and they just see you often enough,
people sort of start to associate you with these events.
Mm-Hmm. . And like, oh, you're
part of our group.
I don't know much about you, but sure I'll, you know,
you're here and I accept you.
Right. And again, it goes back to it being a time thing.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, the other thing I
would consider Okay.
As a way to maybe help you find people, friends.
Like, I know you're looking for a long-term partner,
but I'm with jb Please, please,
please start with friendships.
It's just, I think
unless you're at an event where the whole point is
to meet people Mm-Hmm.
specifically
for like the kink or dating scene.
Just start with friends.
But what you can do as somebody
who has been in your community for three years,
you're not new anymore.
You might feel new .
You might not feel like you're in an
in-row, but you're not new.
So what you might be able to do,
depending on your comfort level
or how brave you're feeling that day,
is when a new person shows up,
you go introduce yourself to them.
If you've gone to an event often enough
and you're like, I have never seen this person in my life.
Go introduce yourself.
Ask, maybe don't assume, but just go, Hey, are you new here?
Is this your first time? And if they, you know, are willing
to engage in conversation
and they're like, yeah, this is, I'm so nervous,
I don't know, , you get to be that ambassador
and you get to strike up the conversation.
True. True. And it might feel awkward at first if you're not
calm, comfortable doing that.
But that's a little bit of a practice thing.
The more often you do it, the easier ish
- It becomes like strengthening your muscle. Yeah.
- Right. And then you're seeking people out
and helping people feel welcome.
And you might find a friend group in that Mm-Hmm.
and all and you did the thing
that most newbies desperately need.
They need somebody to come talk to them first.
You know, I think you might have been better off if maybe
you had had that experience in the beginning
and had people come up to you often enough,
consistently enough that you felt like, Hey,
this is a person I know we're friendly.
Even if we're not friends, I can always go talk to them.
Right. Right. That's the kind of thing
that builds those connections.
And three years Yeah.
You've definitely got more
experience maybe than you realize.
And you can be that person for somebody new
and then you may have found a friend.
Right. Do it often enough. Mm-Hmm. .
So that's the, that's what comes to my mind. Yeah. Yeah.
It's hard for me to answer a question
like this, me personally.
'cause I am so socially awkward.
I am fine ish, uh, with a camera and a microphone
and an internet connection, but a group of people,
whatcha talking about.
Yeah. But I know the things I appreciate.
I know the things that I wasn't trying
to do, but seem to work.
That listening thing goes a long, long way. ,
- , - You don't even have to know what
to say if you can get somebody else talking True.
And just listen to them and you learn about them.
And then you learn, is this a person I wanna be around
and people like to be listened to.
Sure. You know, they like to feel seen.
And if you can do that for somebody else,
then you start building that connection.
True, true. But I think it goes back to,
to the very be you gotta be patient.
Yeah. And I know after three years, you know,
I think there may,
I would imagine there are people you know,
that you've seen often enough.
Maybe you just don't categorize them in the
friend group yet.
Or the, if you're looking for a long-term partner,
you're like, they're not partner people, that's fine.
Are they friend people? Mm-Hmm. .
Can they be people that you're friendly enough with
that if you walk into a room, you can,
you feel comfortable walking
up and going, Hey, how you doing?
Hadn't seen you in a while. Mm-Hmm.
, do you mind if I sit here
at this table with you?
Or whatever. Right.
And that's how those things
kind of start. Mm-Hmm. ,
- Absolutely.
- Anything else you would add? - I think we've
said all there is to say.
- Okay. - All right.
- Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode.
If you want us to answer one of your questions,
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