1 00:00:10,825 --> 00:00:12,445 - You are listening to the living BDSM podcast. 2 00:00:12,535 --> 00:00:14,645 Kayla Lord's here with the one, the only, the, 3 00:00:14,745 --> 00:00:17,485 are you ever caffeinated enough, John Brownstone? 4 00:00:17,505 --> 00:00:19,885 No. Never. There's no such thing. The limit does not exist. 5 00:00:19,985 --> 00:00:21,365 Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. No. 6 00:00:21,475 --> 00:00:22,885 - Same. Keep trying, but No. 7 00:00:22,885 --> 00:00:25,565 - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, you gotta try. 8 00:00:27,485 --> 00:00:28,685 I got nothing to say that. Okay. 9 00:00:28,745 --> 00:00:30,045 That's, that's not what we're here for. 10 00:00:30,565 --> 00:00:31,565 , uh, 11 00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:33,725 this week we're answering a question from a submissive. 12 00:00:33,835 --> 00:00:36,765 Nope. This week, what are we answering? 13 00:00:36,765 --> 00:00:39,685 We're answering a question from a submissive. 14 00:00:39,685 --> 00:00:41,325 I almost said the wrong thing. That's why I went. Nope. 15 00:00:41,765 --> 00:00:44,565 , uh, who is in a bit 16 00:00:44,565 --> 00:00:47,245 of a complex poly situation Mm. 17 00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:50,125 Okay. And is, is sort of all outta sorts 18 00:00:50,125 --> 00:00:54,525 because I don't think, uh, they can, 19 00:00:55,475 --> 00:00:57,805 they can make ev all the partners happy. 20 00:00:57,805 --> 00:01:00,085 Mm-Hmm. and it's, it's, it's complicated. 21 00:01:00,155 --> 00:01:01,445 Yeah. Uh, . 22 00:01:02,105 --> 00:01:03,005 So that, that's what 23 00:01:03,005 --> 00:01:04,245 we're, that's what we're talking about this week. 24 00:01:04,515 --> 00:01:06,125 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. 25 00:01:06,345 --> 00:01:08,445 If you're new here, we hope kings like you have happy, 26 00:01:08,445 --> 00:01:09,685 healthy power exchange relationships. 27 00:01:09,905 --> 00:01:11,405 Add the podcast to your favorite podcast apps 28 00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:12,485 so you never miss an episode. 29 00:01:12,785 --> 00:01:14,285 And if you'd like us to answer one 30 00:01:14,285 --> 00:01:16,365 of your questions in an upcoming episode, uh, 31 00:01:16,365 --> 00:01:18,565 you can use our contact page called Ask your Questions. 32 00:01:18,665 --> 00:01:22,405 Try to make that obvious on our website@lovingbdsm.net. 33 00:01:22,405 --> 00:01:24,405 That's loving bdsm.net. 34 00:01:24,545 --> 00:01:27,565 Or you can find the link in the show notes for this episode. 35 00:01:28,075 --> 00:01:29,245 Okay. Let's get into the question. 36 00:01:29,505 --> 00:01:33,565 The question is a long one, so brace yourself. 37 00:01:33,955 --> 00:01:37,205 - Okay. - I have a question on how to handle loyalty 38 00:01:37,725 --> 00:01:39,445 conflicts in complex situations. 39 00:01:40,325 --> 00:01:42,525 I live in Europe. I'm married to a poly guy, 40 00:01:42,525 --> 00:01:44,405 and I'm his only relationship Right now. 41 00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:46,965 We live together. We have a young child together, 42 00:01:47,025 --> 00:01:49,565 and I'm emotionally and practically bound to my husband. 43 00:01:50,065 --> 00:01:52,605 We are good friends, love going on road trips, 44 00:01:52,675 --> 00:01:55,005 know each other well, and work on our intimate relationship, 45 00:01:55,175 --> 00:01:57,685 which has not always been easy, but which is improving. 46 00:01:58,345 --> 00:02:01,445 I'm also in a second relationship, a soulmate deep love, 47 00:02:01,805 --> 00:02:05,205 romantic erotic BDSM relationship with a guy from the US 48 00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:06,605 who I have visited, who I love deeply, 49 00:02:06,905 --> 00:02:08,125 and who I would have married 50 00:02:08,265 --> 00:02:10,205 and had a monogamous relationship with, 51 00:02:10,305 --> 00:02:12,085 had I met him in a different situation. 52 00:02:12,665 --> 00:02:14,245 Not being a mom in a different country, 53 00:02:15,055 --> 00:02:18,405 while my husband is more a freedom seeker with a happy 54 00:02:18,465 --> 00:02:22,165 and easygoing poly identity, neither Dom nor sadist, 55 00:02:22,165 --> 00:02:24,245 but into ChAARI, which we love doing together. 56 00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:27,365 My soulmate is a calm structured dom 57 00:02:27,365 --> 00:02:30,725 and sadist who understands me blindly in my desire 58 00:02:30,745 --> 00:02:33,405 to be submissive and my excitement for spanking. 59 00:02:33,985 --> 00:02:36,365 My husband hates restrictions and labels. 60 00:02:36,505 --> 00:02:40,285 My soulmate dislikes the idea of an open BDSM relationship 61 00:02:40,625 --> 00:02:43,485 as he wants the power exchange part to be exclusive to us. 62 00:02:44,155 --> 00:02:47,245 Both guys and myself are doing our best to make things work, 63 00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:50,365 doing my best to be as honest and open with my partners, 64 00:02:50,825 --> 00:02:53,685 but I often feel like I'm in the middle navigating others' 65 00:02:53,685 --> 00:02:54,805 feelings and preferences. 66 00:02:55,345 --> 00:02:56,365 I'm trying to keep privacy, 67 00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:58,885 not revealing intimate details about the other partner, 68 00:02:59,215 --> 00:03:02,205 while also trying not to keep secrets that might blow up 69 00:03:02,205 --> 00:03:03,685 and hurt feelings if revealed later. 70 00:03:03,685 --> 00:03:07,285 Mm-Hmm. I would like to develop a more 24 7 Ds relationship 71 00:03:07,285 --> 00:03:08,405 with my love abroad, 72 00:03:08,665 --> 00:03:10,765 but it feels hard to talk about it with my husband 73 00:03:10,945 --> 00:03:12,365 who is into poly relationships, 74 00:03:12,585 --> 00:03:15,485 but does not want his freedom restricted, trying new things 75 00:03:15,485 --> 00:03:18,285 with me while the soulmate feels uncomfortable 76 00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:19,685 with a shared power exchange. 77 00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:21,645 Mm-Hmm. . I've explained to my husband 78 00:03:21,675 --> 00:03:23,565 that I don't think he's missing out on something, 79 00:03:23,565 --> 00:03:25,485 letting the other have their own practices such 80 00:03:25,485 --> 00:03:26,885 as punishing me or spanking me 81 00:03:27,065 --> 00:03:28,645 as it does not seem to turn him on. 82 00:03:28,665 --> 00:03:31,845 Anyway, we tried and he did not feel much like it. Mm-Hmm. 83 00:03:31,865 --> 00:03:34,245 But of course, I cannot tell him not to change as a person 84 00:03:34,425 --> 00:03:36,285 or wanting to try new things at some point. 85 00:03:36,545 --> 00:03:39,125 And the fun and aesthetic ChAARI rope is something we do, 86 00:03:39,125 --> 00:03:41,645 in which the other guy also knows about NX accepts. 87 00:03:42,115 --> 00:03:45,685 It's also tricky that developing a more elaborate 24 7 DS 88 00:03:45,685 --> 00:03:47,645 relationship with my US soulmate gets 89 00:03:47,645 --> 00:03:48,965 emotionally intense for me. 90 00:03:49,365 --> 00:03:50,405 I love it. I want it, 91 00:03:50,405 --> 00:03:52,045 and I feel devoted to him as a submissive. 92 00:03:52,285 --> 00:03:54,605 I want to give all to him from my heart. 93 00:03:54,785 --> 00:03:58,205 But doing a 24 7 power exchange at a distance is something 94 00:03:58,205 --> 00:03:59,365 that gets into a practical 95 00:03:59,365 --> 00:04:02,285 and loyalty time space conflict with my responsibilities 96 00:04:02,345 --> 00:04:04,085 as a parent and the easygoing 97 00:04:04,085 --> 00:04:05,645 and fun spontaneity with my husband. 98 00:04:06,585 --> 00:04:09,005 The three of us are in a place where we might be able 99 00:04:09,005 --> 00:04:10,405 to talk on Zoom together soon. 100 00:04:10,595 --> 00:04:12,405 I've asked for such a meeting several times, 101 00:04:12,825 --> 00:04:14,285 and it seems more possible 102 00:04:14,285 --> 00:04:16,085 after a year of trying to invite them. 103 00:04:16,315 --> 00:04:17,725 Also, knowing it will be a challenge 104 00:04:17,785 --> 00:04:19,845 for my BDSM soulmate from the US 105 00:04:20,265 --> 00:04:21,765 who is not really a poly type, 106 00:04:21,825 --> 00:04:23,285 but who is also doing his best 107 00:04:23,285 --> 00:04:25,645 to let me take my life as a parent and wife. 108 00:04:25,715 --> 00:04:28,325 Seriously, I'm convinced both guys would want 109 00:04:28,325 --> 00:04:31,205 to meet my wish to meet on Zoom, all three 110 00:04:31,205 --> 00:04:32,325 of us to make me happy. 111 00:04:32,785 --> 00:04:35,405 But I still feel like my heart is torn between loyalties, 112 00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:37,885 practicalities, and the reality of not being able 113 00:04:37,885 --> 00:04:39,605 to cross the Atlantic ocean with ease. 114 00:04:40,365 --> 00:04:42,165 I guess I'm someone who wants to be as transparent 115 00:04:42,185 --> 00:04:43,885 as possible, but it's difficult for me 116 00:04:43,885 --> 00:04:47,005 to tell my husband about the BDSM part of my us relationship 117 00:04:47,005 --> 00:04:48,445 because of his freedom seeking and 118 00:04:48,445 --> 00:04:49,725 because of privacy issues. 119 00:04:50,395 --> 00:04:52,285 Also, I do not want to push my soulmates 120 00:04:52,285 --> 00:04:53,445 to meet my husband on Zoom, 121 00:04:53,465 --> 00:04:55,685 as I know my soulmate is not super happy 122 00:04:55,685 --> 00:04:57,125 with the poly part of the relationship. 123 00:04:57,375 --> 00:04:59,685 While still he and I are very happy with each other, 124 00:04:59,745 --> 00:05:01,885 and both simply romantic, affectionate, love, 125 00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:04,885 intellectual understanding, Lola agrees 126 00:05:04,885 --> 00:05:06,205 and erotic compatibility. 127 00:05:06,705 --> 00:05:07,725 My main problem is 128 00:05:07,725 --> 00:05:10,325 that I constantly feel like I'm letting someone down. 129 00:05:10,345 --> 00:05:12,125 And while I am really trying my hardest 130 00:05:12,265 --> 00:05:14,605 to slowly build both relationships without pushing, 131 00:05:15,235 --> 00:05:18,405 what else could I do other than having a lot of patience 132 00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:20,565 to talk things through, not pushing boundaries, 133 00:05:21,045 --> 00:05:23,405 building a foundation for a dialogue and trust slowly 134 00:05:23,745 --> 00:05:25,205 and eventually figuring things out. 135 00:05:25,855 --> 00:05:28,685 Let's start there. That, that, that last bit, 136 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:31,325 that is ultimately the answer. 137 00:05:31,795 --> 00:05:35,005 Yeah. But also I think we both have thoughts. So, 138 00:05:35,405 --> 00:05:37,645 - , - Uh, go ahead. What were 139 00:05:37,645 --> 00:05:38,645 - Your initial thoughts? 140 00:05:38,645 --> 00:05:41,685 Um, wow. Uh, there, there is a lot going on there. It is 141 00:05:41,765 --> 00:05:42,765 - A complex situation. 142 00:05:43,155 --> 00:05:45,765 They did not, they were not inaccurate there. No. 143 00:05:45,905 --> 00:05:50,445 - No. Um, wow. I, I'm not sure. I mean, whew. 144 00:05:50,805 --> 00:05:52,965 I, I, I think, you know, keeping the lines 145 00:05:52,965 --> 00:05:55,765 of communication open one for sure. 146 00:05:56,385 --> 00:05:57,405 You know, and, 147 00:05:57,585 --> 00:06:01,245 and I think there's also a lot of, um, you know, 148 00:06:01,245 --> 00:06:04,805 when you get into something like this with, with Polly 149 00:06:05,145 --> 00:06:08,005 and you've got different people, different expectations, 150 00:06:08,915 --> 00:06:10,805 there's a lot going on. 151 00:06:11,245 --> 00:06:12,445 - I know. And I, and I don't, 152 00:06:13,225 --> 00:06:14,885 we only have one perspective Mm-Hmm. 153 00:06:14,925 --> 00:06:15,965 from the person who asked. 154 00:06:16,105 --> 00:06:18,845 But this perspective, the, one 155 00:06:18,845 --> 00:06:21,085 of the first things I'm thinking is this person is trying 156 00:06:21,085 --> 00:06:23,205 to manage everybody else's feelings. 157 00:06:23,345 --> 00:06:27,605 Yes. And while you want to be mindful of what every, 158 00:06:28,145 --> 00:06:29,565 all your partners feel Sure. 159 00:06:29,565 --> 00:06:31,405 And how they feel about the situation they're in, 160 00:06:31,745 --> 00:06:35,245 it is not your job to take care 161 00:06:35,245 --> 00:06:37,085 of their feelings to all the time. 162 00:06:37,305 --> 00:06:39,045 No. They are grown ass adults. 163 00:06:39,625 --> 00:06:41,165 And as long as you are doing 164 00:06:41,755 --> 00:06:44,405 what everybody feels is like the right ethical thing 165 00:06:44,405 --> 00:06:47,005 for the relationship, being open, talking about things, 166 00:06:47,505 --> 00:06:50,125 you know, understanding that your partners have boundaries. 167 00:06:50,255 --> 00:06:52,685 Right. But see, the thing is, is boundaries are not, 168 00:06:53,105 --> 00:06:54,565 you can't do this thing. 169 00:06:54,735 --> 00:06:57,165 Boundaries are, I will not accept this thing. 170 00:06:57,225 --> 00:07:00,245 So if you do the thing, there's a consequence, not a, 171 00:07:00,345 --> 00:07:02,125 you're not allowed to do this thing. 172 00:07:02,275 --> 00:07:03,925 It's, here's what I'm going to do. 173 00:07:03,925 --> 00:07:05,365 If that, if that's what you're gonna do, 174 00:07:05,465 --> 00:07:06,605 that's what a boundary is. 175 00:07:06,665 --> 00:07:08,645 And I don't hear anything where 176 00:07:09,225 --> 00:07:13,085 the two men are saying anything like that. 177 00:07:13,085 --> 00:07:14,605 What they're saying is, I don't like, 178 00:07:14,795 --> 00:07:15,845 this is what it sounds like to me. 179 00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:17,205 I don't like this thing. 180 00:07:17,515 --> 00:07:19,085 Okay, well, you don't like this thing, 181 00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:20,645 but this thing is the reality. 182 00:07:20,935 --> 00:07:22,645 - Right. And so - What are you gonna do 183 00:07:22,645 --> 00:07:23,645 - About it? 184 00:07:23,645 --> 00:07:24,605 And, and I, I think that's kind of 185 00:07:24,605 --> 00:07:26,645 what caught me a little bit with, um, 186 00:07:27,645 --> 00:07:29,045 I think it was the soulmate. Mm-Hmm. , 187 00:07:29,705 --> 00:07:31,725 - The US soulmate, - The US soulmate partner. 188 00:07:32,625 --> 00:07:37,085 Um, you know, it, it, it's, it's great to, 189 00:07:37,225 --> 00:07:38,765 to want that, to have that. 190 00:07:39,665 --> 00:07:43,045 And, and it's especially, you know, refreshing 191 00:07:43,045 --> 00:07:46,565 that you found somebody that you mesh so well with in this. 192 00:07:47,145 --> 00:07:51,085 But what kind of, not necessarily a flag, 193 00:07:51,225 --> 00:07:54,965 but kind of, you know, the fact that, you know, I I'm not, 194 00:07:55,025 --> 00:07:56,885 I'm not happy with that, with the poly, 195 00:07:57,255 --> 00:07:58,255 - Right. 196 00:07:58,255 --> 00:07:59,925 You, you chose a partner who has 197 00:08:00,645 --> 00:08:01,805 a, I'm speaking to the dom now. 198 00:08:01,805 --> 00:08:03,085 Mm-Hmm. , the dom chose a partner 199 00:08:03,185 --> 00:08:07,845 who is married and has a child and lives another continent. 200 00:08:08,075 --> 00:08:09,525 Lola totally agrees. Right. 201 00:08:09,945 --> 00:08:13,085 And yet is unhappy with the fact that it's poly. 202 00:08:13,085 --> 00:08:16,005 Well, that seems like a, a, your dom's problem, 203 00:08:16,385 --> 00:08:17,525 not it's your problem 204 00:08:17,525 --> 00:08:20,245 because your heart will be broken depending on what happens. 205 00:08:20,745 --> 00:08:21,925 But this per, 206 00:08:22,505 --> 00:08:25,325 unless you lied, which you, I don't think you did at all. 207 00:08:25,385 --> 00:08:27,365 Mm-Hmm. They made this choice, 208 00:08:27,425 --> 00:08:32,125 and now they get to be upset that they made the choice. 209 00:08:32,125 --> 00:08:34,285 Well, then there's an, there's two choices. Yeah. 210 00:08:34,285 --> 00:08:36,325 They, the relationship has to end, 211 00:08:36,325 --> 00:08:37,965 which I, I don't want that for you. 212 00:08:38,125 --> 00:08:40,125 'cause I can tell it will clearly break your heart. Right. 213 00:08:40,425 --> 00:08:41,965 Or they, they're gonna need 214 00:08:41,965 --> 00:08:43,405 to get comfortable with some stuff. 215 00:08:43,655 --> 00:08:48,285 - Right. I, I think what, you know, there's, um, I I, 216 00:08:48,315 --> 00:08:49,605 I've been saying this a lot lately, 217 00:08:49,705 --> 00:08:51,525 but I, I think it, it stands true. 218 00:08:51,595 --> 00:08:55,125 There's, um, a little bit of expectation management. 219 00:08:55,875 --> 00:08:59,765 - Well, I think trying to have a transcontinental 24 7 long 220 00:09:00,005 --> 00:09:03,085 distance DS relationship already has an expectation problem. 221 00:09:03,275 --> 00:09:06,285 Yeah. Before you add in a husband, a child, 222 00:09:06,305 --> 00:09:08,365 and whatever your employment might happen to be. 223 00:09:08,365 --> 00:09:11,165 Yeah. Like, there's already some expectation issues going 224 00:09:11,165 --> 00:09:12,165 - On. 225 00:09:12,165 --> 00:09:15,085 Yeah. Long, long distance is, is tough in and of itself. 226 00:09:15,105 --> 00:09:18,085 Mm-Hmm. , you know, just between two people. 227 00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,725 Mm-Hmm. . And, 228 00:09:19,945 --> 00:09:24,565 and then you throw in a long distance with, I mean, 229 00:09:25,105 --> 00:09:27,005 - Do I think there are long distance couples 230 00:09:27,005 --> 00:09:29,885 that can probably eek out something that feels 231 00:09:29,885 --> 00:09:31,565 to them like 24 7 mm-Hmm. 232 00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:33,965 , yes. I'm not gonna say that's impossible, 233 00:09:34,585 --> 00:09:38,885 but the more responsibilities even one of the partner has 234 00:09:39,235 --> 00:09:42,765 outside of that relationship, you add a layer of complexity. 235 00:09:43,075 --> 00:09:44,085 Okay? Mm-Hmm. , you're right. 236 00:09:44,305 --> 00:09:45,765 You are completely right in asking your question. 237 00:09:45,765 --> 00:09:47,565 This is complex. Yeah. This is tough. 238 00:09:48,105 --> 00:09:51,885 But I, I think it goes back to, uh, expectation management, 239 00:09:52,515 --> 00:09:54,765 wanting the full throated. 240 00:09:54,875 --> 00:09:58,165 This person owns me, owns every action I take. 241 00:09:58,235 --> 00:10:01,405 They determine all kinds of things I do. Mm-Hmm. 242 00:10:01,445 --> 00:10:05,965 is not practical in most situations. 243 00:10:06,135 --> 00:10:09,405 Right. What I mean, just the long distance part, 244 00:10:09,405 --> 00:10:11,165 because you're in different time zones 245 00:10:11,165 --> 00:10:12,245 and you have different commitments 246 00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:14,405 and different responsibilities, but then you add another 247 00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:16,245 relationship, you're managing Mm-Hmm. 248 00:10:16,285 --> 00:10:19,125 raising a child, whatever your familial 249 00:10:19,305 --> 00:10:21,965 and professional obligations are in your home country. 250 00:10:21,995 --> 00:10:23,285 Exactly. You know? 251 00:10:23,505 --> 00:10:27,885 Do I think that maybe there's a way to at times have 252 00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:30,925 that moment or in very specific 253 00:10:31,735 --> 00:10:34,125 regimented planned out parameters? 254 00:10:34,595 --> 00:10:35,685 Yeah, I think so. 255 00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:40,085 But if you're ever gonna get there to what you're describing 256 00:10:40,085 --> 00:10:42,765 that you want minimum, all the partners have 257 00:10:42,765 --> 00:10:43,805 to be willing to talk to one another. 258 00:10:43,915 --> 00:10:46,725 Sure. Because if one partner is 259 00:10:47,285 --> 00:10:49,245 claiming control over your life 260 00:10:49,345 --> 00:10:53,245 and your actions, your live in partner that you're married 261 00:10:53,265 --> 00:10:56,685 to, will abso fucking be impacted by that? 262 00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:59,805 Yes. No doubt about it. You can't hide that from them. 263 00:10:59,985 --> 00:11:02,165 You can't no. Minimize the impact to them. 264 00:11:02,315 --> 00:11:03,405 They will be impacted. 265 00:11:03,625 --> 00:11:07,325 - So you, you can have something that 266 00:11:08,265 --> 00:11:09,925 may be close to 24 7, 267 00:11:10,305 --> 00:11:12,885 or what works for you is what you know, can, can 268 00:11:12,885 --> 00:11:14,005 - Be. And you call 24 7. Right? 269 00:11:14,035 --> 00:11:18,085 - Yeah. But you know, the, the fact of the matter is, and, 270 00:11:18,085 --> 00:11:21,125 and this is something that I've had to contend with as, 271 00:11:21,425 --> 00:11:26,405 as being Polly, you know, Kayla and I are married. 272 00:11:26,785 --> 00:11:29,125 She is also my submissive. She is my baby girl. 273 00:11:29,425 --> 00:11:31,845 Now, you, we throw into the mix the fact that 274 00:11:32,865 --> 00:11:34,045 we work together, 275 00:11:35,305 --> 00:11:36,485 - We raise a child together, 276 00:11:36,545 --> 00:11:38,405 - We, we raise a family together. 277 00:11:38,405 --> 00:11:39,725 - The oldest no longer needing to be raised 278 00:11:40,125 --> 00:11:41,125 - . 279 00:11:41,125 --> 00:11:44,125 Yeah. But, you know, even, even with him, we have 280 00:11:44,125 --> 00:11:45,485 - Certain we're parents together 281 00:11:45,585 --> 00:11:47,165 to two kids. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. 282 00:11:47,435 --> 00:11:52,245 - Okay. So, you know, in bringing in a poly as, 283 00:11:52,385 --> 00:11:55,165 you know, someone in, into a poly aspect in 284 00:11:55,165 --> 00:11:56,565 that it can be tough. 285 00:11:57,115 --> 00:11:58,605 - It's automatically gonna be tough because, 286 00:11:58,945 --> 00:12:01,805 and you know, I always, I'm, I'm we say I'm poly in theory, 287 00:12:02,165 --> 00:12:05,325 , , um, you, you have tried and, 288 00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:06,925 and sometimes you find ways that work, 289 00:12:06,925 --> 00:12:08,485 whether it's a long distance thing 290 00:12:08,485 --> 00:12:09,685 or it's a play partner thing. 291 00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:13,765 Yeah. And sometimes you have a partner who, 292 00:12:14,585 --> 00:12:17,365 and I don't blame them, this is not a knock to them. 293 00:12:17,545 --> 00:12:18,645 Mm-Hmm. , it's, it's 294 00:12:18,645 --> 00:12:19,685 honoring their own boundaries. 295 00:12:19,875 --> 00:12:23,205 They don't want to have to be deprioritized. Right. 296 00:12:23,425 --> 00:12:25,805 I'm not the main priority because I'm special. 297 00:12:26,565 --> 00:12:28,085 I tend to be the main priority 298 00:12:28,085 --> 00:12:32,725 because we share every facet of our lives together outside 299 00:12:32,725 --> 00:12:34,205 of whatever his other relationship 300 00:12:34,205 --> 00:12:35,285 with this person might be. 301 00:12:35,395 --> 00:12:38,565 Yeah. So there are times he has to choose. 302 00:12:38,875 --> 00:12:41,565 He's not choosing me specifically as his baby girl. 303 00:12:41,585 --> 00:12:43,605 He is choosing the life we have together, 304 00:12:43,625 --> 00:12:44,725 the parenting responsibilities, 305 00:12:44,725 --> 00:12:46,925 the professional responsibilities, right. 306 00:12:47,315 --> 00:12:49,805 Over whatever he might per want to 307 00:12:49,805 --> 00:12:50,805 - Do. 308 00:12:50,805 --> 00:12:51,245 And then home ownership and, 309 00:12:51,245 --> 00:12:53,085 and all the things that go with financial. 310 00:12:53,095 --> 00:12:55,365 Right. You know, that all the things that go with that. 311 00:12:55,545 --> 00:12:56,805 - And not everybody can handle that. 312 00:12:56,825 --> 00:12:58,405 And you know what, that's okay if somebody 313 00:12:58,405 --> 00:12:59,725 doesn't want to or can't. 314 00:12:59,725 --> 00:13:01,365 Mm-Hmm. or is like, no, I, this isn't the kind 315 00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:02,885 of thing I want to sign up for. 316 00:13:02,885 --> 00:13:04,125 Mm-Hmm. . But those people need 317 00:13:04,125 --> 00:13:05,805 to be honest with themselves. 318 00:13:06,135 --> 00:13:08,845 Right. And I think you have to be honest with yourself. 319 00:13:08,915 --> 00:13:12,125 Your dom wants to be the center of your world. 320 00:13:12,145 --> 00:13:14,445 And it sounds like you would like them to be the center 321 00:13:14,505 --> 00:13:18,245 of your world, but as long as you stay married 322 00:13:18,305 --> 00:13:21,805 and in a relationship with your other partner, 323 00:13:22,755 --> 00:13:25,045 it's pr it's it in theory. 324 00:13:25,435 --> 00:13:29,285 It's nice. You might over time get to a point where you, 325 00:13:29,785 --> 00:13:31,605 you have those moments and you go, this is 326 00:13:31,605 --> 00:13:32,925 how I define that. 327 00:13:34,025 --> 00:13:36,725 But based on the idealized version 328 00:13:36,835 --> 00:13:39,805 that it feels like I'm reading here about what y'all, the 329 00:13:41,185 --> 00:13:42,405 You and your dom want. 330 00:13:42,765 --> 00:13:46,405 I don't think you get there without the absolute buy-in 331 00:13:46,865 --> 00:13:49,325 of your other partner, even if your other partner 332 00:13:50,305 --> 00:13:52,205 is not a part of that. 333 00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:56,925 The other thing, I'm, I'm going back to your soulmate here. 334 00:13:56,955 --> 00:13:59,925 Okay. Because your soulmate chose 335 00:13:59,925 --> 00:14:01,445 to enter this power exchange 336 00:14:01,445 --> 00:14:03,965 with you knowing you were married and had other commitments. 337 00:14:03,965 --> 00:14:05,285 Mm-Hmm. . And yet 338 00:14:05,915 --> 00:14:07,445 doesn't wanna engage with the other partner. 339 00:14:07,465 --> 00:14:09,205 And on some levels, I think that's, that's valid. 340 00:14:09,365 --> 00:14:11,405 I mean, I don't engage with j b's partners. Mm-Hmm. 341 00:14:11,445 --> 00:14:12,525 , I have no interest 'cause I'm 342 00:14:12,525 --> 00:14:13,805 not involved with any of that. 343 00:14:14,145 --> 00:14:16,245 And he keeps me up to date on what I need to know. 344 00:14:16,245 --> 00:14:17,765 And out after that, I'm, I'm out of it. 345 00:14:17,765 --> 00:14:22,165 However, because your partner has these very clear 346 00:14:23,335 --> 00:14:26,805 likes, dislikes, and preferences about how involved 347 00:14:27,355 --> 00:14:30,725 your existing partner, you know what they should know what, 348 00:14:30,835 --> 00:14:32,285 what your dom has control over. 349 00:14:32,285 --> 00:14:34,005 Mm-Hmm. , I don't think that's realistic, 350 00:14:34,005 --> 00:14:35,085 because let me go back to 351 00:14:35,085 --> 00:14:38,405 what I was saying earlier. Lola agrees, 352 00:14:39,125 --> 00:14:42,765 - , - Your dom wants 353 00:14:42,765 --> 00:14:45,245 to dictate part of your relationship. 354 00:14:45,245 --> 00:14:47,205 Mm-Hmm. the part that you have with your dom. 355 00:14:47,665 --> 00:14:50,165 But that dictation affects 356 00:14:51,115 --> 00:14:52,925 your marriage and your poly partner. 357 00:14:53,035 --> 00:14:54,405 Yeah. So therefore, 358 00:14:54,475 --> 00:14:59,045 because their expectations affect your other partner, 359 00:14:59,355 --> 00:15:02,445 everybody's gotta be involved to, to a minimal degree. 360 00:15:02,445 --> 00:15:04,565 Mm-Hmm. , I do not mean that your husband 361 00:15:04,665 --> 00:15:06,485 and your dom have to be BFFs. 362 00:15:06,485 --> 00:15:07,725 That's now what I mean. Right. 363 00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:12,645 But your, your husband needs to be aware of 364 00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,845 what kind of demands are gonna be placed upon you 365 00:15:14,845 --> 00:15:16,365 as a submissive to this dom 366 00:15:16,905 --> 00:15:19,965 and how it affects the rest of your life. 367 00:15:20,435 --> 00:15:24,005 Parenting, marriage, other responsibilities so 368 00:15:24,005 --> 00:15:27,325 that they're not, you know, they're not surprised by it. 369 00:15:27,345 --> 00:15:29,525 And they can kind of go, okay, I'm comfortable with that. 370 00:15:29,835 --> 00:15:31,885 They might not be comfortable with that. 371 00:15:31,985 --> 00:15:33,885 And then you have a decision to make. 372 00:15:33,905 --> 00:15:37,485 Either you pull back from all the things you want, 373 00:15:37,665 --> 00:15:39,365 the idealized version of this, 374 00:15:39,635 --> 00:15:41,125 this long distance relationship. 375 00:15:41,865 --> 00:15:45,565 You make the tough decision about who you want to be with. 376 00:15:46,235 --> 00:15:50,085 Yeah. Or, you know, maybe some other decisions. Mm-Hmm. 377 00:15:50,125 --> 00:15:51,125 , I can't imagine right now. Well, 378 00:15:51,305 --> 00:15:55,205 but I just don't see how this is possible without these two, 379 00:15:55,825 --> 00:15:57,245 at least communicating a little bit. 380 00:15:57,255 --> 00:15:58,405 - Right. There, there has to be 381 00:15:58,405 --> 00:15:59,445 a little bit of communication. 382 00:15:59,585 --> 00:16:04,245 And I think what what needs to be done also is need 383 00:16:04,245 --> 00:16:08,885 to sit down with primary partner and talk about boundaries 384 00:16:09,705 --> 00:16:11,125 - And actual boundaries act. 385 00:16:11,125 --> 00:16:12,965 Yeah. Like, they don't get to dic. 386 00:16:13,465 --> 00:16:14,805 You can't dictate what they do. 387 00:16:14,805 --> 00:16:15,925 They can't dictate what you do, 388 00:16:15,945 --> 00:16:18,325 but they can say, here's what I'm not gonna do. 389 00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,325 Here's what I'm not comfortable with. Right. 390 00:16:21,325 --> 00:16:23,205 Here's what if you, if this is what you need to do, 391 00:16:23,485 --> 00:16:24,245 here's what I'm 392 00:16:24,245 --> 00:16:25,405 gonna have to do. Mm-Hmm. , that's a 393 00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:26,685 - Boundary. 394 00:16:26,685 --> 00:16:29,565 Right. So you, you need to find out what, you know, sit 395 00:16:29,565 --> 00:16:32,125 and talk about this with primary partner. 396 00:16:32,635 --> 00:16:33,645 Then you need to go 397 00:16:33,945 --> 00:16:37,445 and do the same thing with soulmate partner. 398 00:16:37,465 --> 00:16:41,245 Mm-Hmm. . Okay. What are they expecting? 399 00:16:41,395 --> 00:16:43,725 What do they want to see set as boundaries? 400 00:16:43,995 --> 00:16:45,485 Then you need to look at yourself 401 00:16:45,825 --> 00:16:48,645 and see what boundaries you have. 402 00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:52,885 Then comes the fun part, sitting down and negotiating 403 00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:54,325 and compromising all this. 404 00:16:54,535 --> 00:16:55,845 - Right? Like, I mean, I, I, 405 00:16:55,905 --> 00:16:57,485 here's the thing I keep coming back to. 406 00:16:57,505 --> 00:17:01,165 Mm-Hmm. . And it's not clear in this question 407 00:17:01,985 --> 00:17:04,805 if the concern is based on things that have happened 408 00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:06,645 or worries of what might happen. 409 00:17:06,745 --> 00:17:10,645 Here's what I'm talking about. Polly husband is into ChAARI 410 00:17:10,865 --> 00:17:12,765 has tried the dom something knows, 411 00:17:12,895 --> 00:17:14,725 knows he's not a dom knows he is not a sadist. 412 00:17:14,725 --> 00:17:16,805 Mm-Hmm. tried it didn't work for him, 413 00:17:16,905 --> 00:17:18,245 but likes likes to be free. 414 00:17:18,425 --> 00:17:20,765 He likes to be open. Okay. I respect that. 415 00:17:21,265 --> 00:17:24,485 But, but what you're talking about in your question is being 416 00:17:24,485 --> 00:17:28,725 worried that the things your soulmate dom wants will somehow 417 00:17:29,325 --> 00:17:30,565 restrict your husband. 418 00:17:30,795 --> 00:17:33,085 Okay. So first of all, we've already narrowed down though, 419 00:17:33,085 --> 00:17:36,645 that your husband currently doesn't wanna do 420 00:17:36,875 --> 00:17:38,765 what soulmate dom is doing with you. 421 00:17:38,765 --> 00:17:41,565 Mm-Hmm. . So I feel like you might be borrowing 422 00:17:41,595 --> 00:17:44,965 some trouble unless there have been real examples 423 00:17:44,965 --> 00:17:45,965 that you just didn't include here. 424 00:17:45,985 --> 00:17:47,085 You're borrowing trouble. 425 00:17:47,085 --> 00:17:48,845 You're, you're worrying about a thing that hasn't happened 426 00:17:48,845 --> 00:17:51,645 yet, or your husband is worrying about a thing 427 00:17:51,645 --> 00:17:53,485 that hasn't happened yet because he's 428 00:17:53,485 --> 00:17:54,925 so concerned about restriction 429 00:17:55,115 --> 00:17:57,565 that even though you're doing something 430 00:17:57,565 --> 00:18:00,205 with soulmate partner that he knows he doesn't want to do. 431 00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:01,925 Yeah. He might change his mind later. 432 00:18:02,035 --> 00:18:04,125 Most people don't change their mind that deeply. Mm-Hmm. 433 00:18:04,165 --> 00:18:06,005 . So there's a, there's also the need 434 00:18:06,005 --> 00:18:07,885 to talk about reality. 435 00:18:08,395 --> 00:18:10,165 Husband wants to do ChAARI 436 00:18:10,665 --> 00:18:12,725 and doesn't want a dom or be a sadist. 437 00:18:13,235 --> 00:18:14,805 Okay. Dom 438 00:18:14,825 --> 00:18:17,765 and sadist, I mean, you're long distance kind 439 00:18:17,765 --> 00:18:19,405 of can't do ChAARI with you. 440 00:18:19,425 --> 00:18:21,085 Mm-Hmm. is filling a gap 441 00:18:21,115 --> 00:18:24,005 that Polly husband currently has no interest in. 442 00:18:24,005 --> 00:18:28,525 Correct. So the conversation is not, you know, 443 00:18:28,625 --> 00:18:31,245 how do I let my poly husband be as free as he wants to, 444 00:18:31,475 --> 00:18:32,845 even though it's like killing me? 445 00:18:32,905 --> 00:18:34,125 The conversation is, 446 00:18:34,815 --> 00:18:37,245 let's be clear about everybody in this situation needs 447 00:18:37,245 --> 00:18:38,885 to be very clear on their roles. 448 00:18:39,065 --> 00:18:41,005 Mm-Hmm. , who is doing what for whom? 449 00:18:41,865 --> 00:18:44,445 Who is, you know, who's squid out by something? 450 00:18:44,575 --> 00:18:48,245 Let's talk about it. And then what will be the plan 451 00:18:49,425 --> 00:18:54,325 if freedom seeking husband, who's the one you live 452 00:18:54,325 --> 00:18:56,525 with, is the one you're raising a kid with, is the one 453 00:18:56,525 --> 00:18:59,005 that's physically there goes, I would like to try a thing. 454 00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:02,285 What you do is you don't decide now, oh my God, 455 00:19:02,835 --> 00:19:03,845 that'll never happen. 456 00:19:04,045 --> 00:19:06,725 I I try to manage these men's emotions for them. 457 00:19:07,035 --> 00:19:09,285 They need to be the adults managing their emotions. 458 00:19:09,625 --> 00:19:13,525 You put a plan in place for how you will navigate it so 459 00:19:13,525 --> 00:19:14,805 that you don't have to worry about a 460 00:19:14,805 --> 00:19:15,845 thing that hadn't happened yet. 461 00:19:16,145 --> 00:19:19,245 You know what you'll do if it does happen? Mm-Hmm. 462 00:19:19,285 --> 00:19:20,365 . Right. You'll, you know that. 463 00:19:20,365 --> 00:19:23,485 It'll be like, oh, you wanna try this thing? Okay. 464 00:19:24,865 --> 00:19:27,285 You know, I I one you decide if 465 00:19:27,285 --> 00:19:28,325 you two would like to try it. 466 00:19:28,325 --> 00:19:30,325 Mm-Hmm. two, you have a conversation 467 00:19:30,325 --> 00:19:31,325 with soulmate dom. 468 00:19:31,325 --> 00:19:33,525 But here's the thing. I think soulmate dom needs 469 00:19:33,525 --> 00:19:35,885 to get his expectations straight. 470 00:19:35,955 --> 00:19:37,765 Yeah. Because you, to me, 471 00:19:37,985 --> 00:19:40,925 you can't come into an existing relationship 472 00:19:41,395 --> 00:19:42,765 that has its own history. 473 00:19:42,785 --> 00:19:45,165 Mm-Hmm. that has its own stuff going on 474 00:19:45,395 --> 00:19:47,805 that is in person and you live with this person 475 00:19:48,105 --> 00:19:49,245 and then dictate the terms 476 00:19:49,265 --> 00:19:51,925 of your relationship with your husband. 477 00:19:52,015 --> 00:19:54,085 Right. He can dictate the terms of the relationship 478 00:19:54,085 --> 00:19:57,445 with you, and then y'all decide if you're still compatible. 479 00:19:57,465 --> 00:19:59,565 Mm-Hmm. , y'all decide if you 480 00:19:59,565 --> 00:20:00,725 can actually make this work. 481 00:20:01,065 --> 00:20:03,885 But I don't think soulmate Dom gets to say 482 00:20:03,915 --> 00:20:06,045 what Polly husband gets to do. 483 00:20:06,195 --> 00:20:08,765 Yeah. He came, he's the, he's the new one. 484 00:20:09,145 --> 00:20:11,445 He came in accepting the fact that you were married. 485 00:20:11,665 --> 00:20:12,885 And so he's gotta get right 486 00:20:12,885 --> 00:20:14,925 with accepting the fact that you're married. 487 00:20:15,105 --> 00:20:16,965 And right now it sounds like you're being pulled 488 00:20:17,125 --> 00:20:19,765 between two people who want what they want. 489 00:20:20,145 --> 00:20:22,685 And I'm not so convinced that they really care much about 490 00:20:22,685 --> 00:20:23,725 what you want here in the middle. 491 00:20:24,365 --> 00:20:26,125 'cause who's helping you navigate this? 492 00:20:26,575 --> 00:20:29,885 Who's helping you, you know, go, Hey, here's, here's 493 00:20:29,885 --> 00:20:30,925 where all compromise. 494 00:20:31,145 --> 00:20:32,925 So you can have a little bit more of what you want. Mm-Hmm. 495 00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:34,685 . But here's how I need you to compromise 496 00:20:34,745 --> 00:20:36,405 so I can get a little bit more of what I want. 497 00:20:36,405 --> 00:20:39,605 Right. Relationships are not a, here's our bullet point list 498 00:20:39,605 --> 00:20:41,845 of everything we want and they match up perfectly 499 00:20:42,185 --> 00:20:43,965 and we're always fully compatible. 500 00:20:44,835 --> 00:20:46,925 Relationships are, here are the things I want. Mm-Hmm. 501 00:20:46,965 --> 00:20:47,885 . Here are the things you want. 502 00:20:48,135 --> 00:20:51,525 Where do we match and align and what can we compromise on? 503 00:20:51,905 --> 00:20:55,125 And it good relationships, monogamous 504 00:20:55,185 --> 00:20:57,365 or not require compromise. 505 00:20:57,585 --> 00:21:02,045 Yes. Poly relationships require even more compromise. 506 00:21:02,225 --> 00:21:03,525 - Yes. - Absolutely. 507 00:21:03,525 --> 00:21:07,165 So I hadn't heard yet how, how the, the poly husband 508 00:21:07,225 --> 00:21:09,325 and the soulmate dom have compromised yet. 509 00:21:09,925 --> 00:21:11,405 Hadn't heard it yet. 'cause what I hear Mm-Hmm. 510 00:21:11,445 --> 00:21:13,565 is you are twisting yourself in knots trying 511 00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:15,805 to make sure they each get exactly what they want. 512 00:21:15,935 --> 00:21:18,925 - Right. And that, and that is a recipe for disaster. 513 00:21:19,505 --> 00:21:23,285 Um, because what's gonna happen is you're gonna break. 514 00:21:23,495 --> 00:21:24,845 Right. Okay. You're 515 00:21:24,845 --> 00:21:25,845 - The one caught - In the middle. 516 00:21:25,845 --> 00:21:27,165 You're, you're the one who's in the middle of this 517 00:21:27,185 --> 00:21:28,285 and, and you're gonna break. 518 00:21:28,625 --> 00:21:31,645 And that's why I say you need to know what, 519 00:21:31,755 --> 00:21:34,845 what your expectations are, what your needs and wants are. 520 00:21:35,035 --> 00:21:38,045 Talk with primary talk with soulmate, and, 521 00:21:38,145 --> 00:21:40,525 and then, then the real work begins. 522 00:21:40,915 --> 00:21:42,285 - Yeah. And I mean, I, I feel 523 00:21:42,445 --> 00:21:43,565 like a pessimist when I say this. 524 00:21:43,845 --> 00:21:46,045 I just based on the outlines of 525 00:21:46,045 --> 00:21:48,685 what these two other people want. 526 00:21:48,685 --> 00:21:50,245 - Mm-Hmm. . - 'cause I 527 00:21:50,245 --> 00:21:51,285 know I get what you want. 528 00:21:51,485 --> 00:21:53,245 I get what you want with soulmate Dom. 529 00:21:53,245 --> 00:21:55,525 You, I think, I feel like you've made that very, very clear. 530 00:21:55,595 --> 00:21:58,525 This is almost a, could have been a one that got away kind 531 00:21:58,525 --> 00:21:59,885 of situation in a rom-com, 532 00:22:00,305 --> 00:22:02,605 but you also recognize your responsibilities 533 00:22:02,945 --> 00:22:04,365 and what you want over here. 534 00:22:04,365 --> 00:22:08,045 Mm-Hmm. . And, uh, the, my pessimistic side 535 00:22:08,555 --> 00:22:10,405 says, I don't know if this is, 536 00:22:10,945 --> 00:22:12,725 if the two are compatible, right. 537 00:22:12,955 --> 00:22:16,765 Because Polly husband, who wants all the freedom 538 00:22:17,505 --> 00:22:20,645 and a soulmate dom who wants, who's not, 539 00:22:21,305 --> 00:22:22,725 um, non monogamous. 540 00:22:22,755 --> 00:22:23,925 They are monogamous 541 00:22:24,305 --> 00:22:26,565 and they don't want, you know, 542 00:22:26,565 --> 00:22:28,645 anybody interfering in their power exchange. 543 00:22:28,795 --> 00:22:32,565 Well, nature of life, not even like purposely trying to, 544 00:22:32,825 --> 00:22:34,685 to get in the middle, just the nature 545 00:22:34,685 --> 00:22:36,845 of your life means that Mm-Hmm. 546 00:22:36,885 --> 00:22:37,925 it will never be fully closed. 547 00:22:38,325 --> 00:22:39,605 'cause you have other responsibilities. 548 00:22:39,785 --> 00:22:42,445 And so my pessimistic side says, I don't know how this works 549 00:22:42,825 --> 00:22:46,605 unless these two other people meet you in the middle. 550 00:22:46,655 --> 00:22:49,685 Right. And start doing the hard work themselves. Absolutely. 551 00:22:49,705 --> 00:22:51,565 And talk, and I think, and I, I, let me go back 552 00:22:51,805 --> 00:22:54,005 'cause I know somebody who is non monogamous is gonna be 553 00:22:54,095 --> 00:22:57,165 pissy when I say this in every situation. 554 00:22:57,165 --> 00:22:58,765 Partners don't always have to talk, 555 00:22:58,865 --> 00:22:59,885 get along, know what's going on. 556 00:22:59,885 --> 00:23:00,965 That's true. You can keep 'em, 557 00:23:01,125 --> 00:23:02,525 I don't talk to j b's partners. 558 00:23:02,565 --> 00:23:04,165 I don't have any interest. Not because I don't like them, 559 00:23:04,165 --> 00:23:05,565 but because that's separate from me. 560 00:23:05,705 --> 00:23:07,645 I'm not trying to be in the middle of that. Okay. 561 00:23:08,625 --> 00:23:10,765 Uh, I just wanna know they exist. You know what I mean? 562 00:23:10,765 --> 00:23:13,725 Mm-Hmm. . But in this case, 563 00:23:13,955 --> 00:23:15,565 this is a prime example 564 00:23:15,565 --> 00:23:17,605 where those two gotta unbend a little bit 565 00:23:17,785 --> 00:23:19,365 and at least have a conversation. 566 00:23:19,475 --> 00:23:22,565 Yeah. At, at minimum they don't have to be friends, 567 00:23:22,715 --> 00:23:24,085 - They just No, they no, they don't. 568 00:23:24,085 --> 00:23:26,045 You're absolutely right. Um, and, 569 00:23:26,105 --> 00:23:30,405 and you know, there are people who desire, you know 570 00:23:30,405 --> 00:23:31,925 what they call kitchen table polly. 571 00:23:31,925 --> 00:23:34,245 Right. So do where, where, where everybody sits 572 00:23:34,245 --> 00:23:36,365 around the table and you know, per se, 573 00:23:36,365 --> 00:23:37,605 everybody's friends with everybody. 574 00:23:37,605 --> 00:23:38,765 Right. And, and that's fine. 575 00:23:39,145 --> 00:23:40,525 And, and that is absolutely fine. 576 00:23:40,755 --> 00:23:42,805 - That would be ideal for this situation. Yeah. 577 00:23:42,825 --> 00:23:44,245 But you might not, that might not 578 00:23:44,245 --> 00:23:45,765 - Be where you get, you, you, you might not get there. 579 00:23:45,945 --> 00:23:47,325 But not everybody wants that. 580 00:23:47,395 --> 00:23:49,285 They're, you know, I know a number of people 581 00:23:49,465 --> 00:23:50,845 who see this person, 582 00:23:50,985 --> 00:23:53,365 but the other person doesn't know that person. 583 00:23:53,785 --> 00:23:55,405 And, and that is entirely fine. 584 00:23:55,585 --> 00:23:57,645 You, you know, poly like, kink, 585 00:23:57,645 --> 00:23:58,885 like anything else, it's a spectrum. 586 00:23:58,985 --> 00:24:02,085 You do what works for you, but this 587 00:24:02,085 --> 00:24:03,085 - Is just too complex. 588 00:24:03,085 --> 00:24:05,685 Yeah. They have to at least have a couple of conversations. 589 00:24:05,685 --> 00:24:07,485 Mm-Hmm. you at least the hashing out 590 00:24:07,485 --> 00:24:09,045 of details of how is this gonna work? 591 00:24:09,345 --> 00:24:13,925 - You, you cannot be the only you, you know, , I'm, 592 00:24:13,925 --> 00:24:16,525 I'm, I'm gonna use the term, you know, it's like the, uh, 593 00:24:16,985 --> 00:24:18,445 the old thing that you say monkey in the middle. 594 00:24:18,785 --> 00:24:21,525 Yes. Okay. You're being pulled know in two different 595 00:24:21,525 --> 00:24:23,605 directions and you're being pulled in multiple directions 596 00:24:24,265 --> 00:24:28,645 and, and, and everybody needs to get on board with, uh, 597 00:24:28,735 --> 00:24:32,245 their expectations, expectation management, you know, 598 00:24:32,255 --> 00:24:34,925 compromise, compromise and, and, 599 00:24:35,065 --> 00:24:37,485 - And, and be realistic about what's actually possible. 600 00:24:37,535 --> 00:24:41,925 Right. I'm not, I'm not not trying to be ranty or angry, 601 00:24:41,945 --> 00:24:43,445 but I'm getting angry on your behalf. 602 00:24:43,745 --> 00:24:45,965 Mm-Hmm. . Because the way this is outlined 603 00:24:46,475 --> 00:24:48,605 here, you are doing a lot. 604 00:24:48,605 --> 00:24:50,045 You're not just managing the actions, 605 00:24:50,045 --> 00:24:51,605 you're managing other people's emotions, 606 00:24:51,705 --> 00:24:53,365 and that should not be your job. 607 00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:57,405 Right. Okay. Your soulmate Dom developed this relationship 608 00:24:57,405 --> 00:24:58,845 with you knowing you were married. 609 00:24:58,845 --> 00:25:01,485 Yeah. So he, he made a choice. Mm-Hmm. . 610 00:25:01,485 --> 00:25:04,045 Well, now he needs to like, live that choice. Yeah. 611 00:25:04,215 --> 00:25:07,485 Pauly husband, I don't, I mean, I, I get the, 612 00:25:07,565 --> 00:25:09,245 I don't want my freedom restricted, 613 00:25:09,245 --> 00:25:10,845 but good lord, once you're in a relationship 614 00:25:10,905 --> 00:25:13,085 or you have a child or you have a job, your freedom is 615 00:25:13,445 --> 00:25:14,445 - Restricted. 616 00:25:14,445 --> 00:25:15,485 That's just life. There's, there's a certain, I mean, yeah. 617 00:25:15,585 --> 00:25:16,685 You know, but 618 00:25:16,805 --> 00:25:20,725 - I feel like that, that fear is you're borrowing troubles 619 00:25:20,725 --> 00:25:21,725 that don't exist yet. 620 00:25:21,725 --> 00:25:23,285 Mm-Hmm. , you've already had the time 621 00:25:23,305 --> 00:25:27,245 to figure out that, that the husband doesn't wanna do 622 00:25:28,345 --> 00:25:31,605 for the, the most part what soulmate dom wants to do, 623 00:25:31,955 --> 00:25:33,805 they really are two separate entities. 624 00:25:33,805 --> 00:25:34,765 Mm-Hmm. . And again, I 625 00:25:34,765 --> 00:25:35,605 go back to what we said earlier. 626 00:25:35,995 --> 00:25:37,765 Make a plan now for what, 627 00:25:38,025 --> 00:25:41,245 how you will manage if husband wants to try something 628 00:25:41,245 --> 00:25:44,125 that comes under soulmate dom's like 629 00:25:44,215 --> 00:25:45,525 realm of things you do together. 630 00:25:45,525 --> 00:25:48,165 Yeah. So that husband knows he can 631 00:25:48,165 --> 00:25:49,365 have that freedom of choice. 632 00:25:49,365 --> 00:25:50,365 And there's a plan in place 633 00:25:50,365 --> 00:25:52,885 and you're not panicking about the what ifs you go, if, 634 00:25:53,145 --> 00:25:55,685 if it happens, here's the plan we'll follow. 635 00:25:56,225 --> 00:25:59,165 And the the one exception in my mind that I tend to make to 636 00:25:59,165 --> 00:26:02,725 that, that very clear thing of, 637 00:26:04,065 --> 00:26:05,205 and again, we don't live it 638 00:26:05,365 --> 00:26:06,485 'cause I don't talk to your partners. 639 00:26:06,485 --> 00:26:07,205 Mm-Hmm. , I'm not involved 640 00:26:07,275 --> 00:26:08,325 with your partners in any way. 641 00:26:08,745 --> 00:26:11,045 But the one time I'm like, no, no, no, you have 642 00:26:11,045 --> 00:26:14,925 to give up this idea that you never have 643 00:26:14,925 --> 00:26:16,405 to speak to your partner's. 644 00:26:16,405 --> 00:26:20,045 Partners. Right. Is when there's power exchange involved. 645 00:26:20,665 --> 00:26:24,765 And like if JB was the sub 646 00:26:24,905 --> 00:26:27,925 to a dom, and so the dom was gonna make decisions 647 00:26:27,925 --> 00:26:30,205 that absolutely fucking impacted my life. 648 00:26:30,205 --> 00:26:32,245 Mm-Hmm. , because JB iss gonna do things in 649 00:26:32,245 --> 00:26:33,605 this house all around me. 650 00:26:34,075 --> 00:26:36,245 Then I have to have a conversation with that Dom to go, 651 00:26:36,315 --> 00:26:37,365 okay, I got questions. 652 00:26:37,665 --> 00:26:39,245 How do you, how are we gonna handle this? 653 00:26:39,305 --> 00:26:42,045 How are we gonna handle that? Those are the times I think 654 00:26:42,045 --> 00:26:46,165 that regardless of your, your desires for 655 00:26:46,185 --> 00:26:48,365 how involved you are with your partner's. 656 00:26:48,365 --> 00:26:50,525 Partners, you know, you wanna be hands off. 657 00:26:50,725 --> 00:26:52,445 I, I respect it, 658 00:26:52,905 --> 00:26:56,645 but once one person's submission is going 659 00:26:56,645 --> 00:27:00,245 to impact an existing partner minimum, there has 660 00:27:00,245 --> 00:27:01,645 to be a couple of conversations 661 00:27:01,845 --> 00:27:03,005 to hash out what this looks like. 662 00:27:03,005 --> 00:27:04,605 Yeah. And how we're gonna handle things. 663 00:27:05,065 --> 00:27:09,045 And I just don't think that the, the, the central partner 664 00:27:09,115 --> 00:27:12,205 that is the only connecting point should have 665 00:27:12,205 --> 00:27:14,085 to work this fucking hard on their own. 666 00:27:14,145 --> 00:27:16,485 Mm-Hmm. . And quite frankly my power exchange 667 00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:20,165 side says, what is your dom doing to support you in this? 668 00:27:20,275 --> 00:27:22,285 Because I didn't get much from that either. 669 00:27:23,315 --> 00:27:24,365 Minimum, they should. 670 00:27:24,745 --> 00:27:27,005 The dom especially should be supporting you through this. 671 00:27:27,765 --> 00:27:29,085 'cause you're trying to craft this power exchange 672 00:27:29,085 --> 00:27:30,285 that you both desperately want 673 00:27:30,625 --> 00:27:34,485 and you are the one with the stress and the worry 674 00:27:34,825 --> 00:27:37,725 and the concern and doing all a whole hell of a lot 675 00:27:37,725 --> 00:27:38,725 of hard work on it. 676 00:27:38,795 --> 00:27:40,685 Where's your dom supporting you in this? Mm-Hmm. 677 00:27:40,725 --> 00:27:44,685 . But ultimately your very last sentence of, 678 00:27:44,855 --> 00:27:47,085 other than being patient 679 00:27:47,425 --> 00:27:48,725 and just trying to work through things, 680 00:27:48,835 --> 00:27:50,085 that is ultimately the answer. 681 00:27:50,355 --> 00:27:52,085 I'll reread that very last part. 682 00:27:52,085 --> 00:27:54,445 That is ultimately the answer. Ke keep scrolling. 683 00:27:54,885 --> 00:27:56,365 , it was a long question. 684 00:27:56,945 --> 00:27:58,005 - All right. Am I there yet? 685 00:27:58,005 --> 00:28:00,205 - Yeah. What else could I do other than having a lot 686 00:28:00,205 --> 00:28:03,045 of patience to talk things through, not pushing boundaries, 687 00:28:03,285 --> 00:28:05,485 building a foundation for a dialogue and trust slowly 688 00:28:05,745 --> 00:28:07,165 and eventually figuring things out. 689 00:28:07,965 --> 00:28:10,725 Ultimately that is the answer. Yeah. You know the answer. 690 00:28:10,745 --> 00:28:11,965 Mm-Hmm. . But I think 691 00:28:11,965 --> 00:28:14,085 that your partners are gonna have 692 00:28:14,085 --> 00:28:17,365 to compromise more than you're describing right now. 693 00:28:17,375 --> 00:28:19,725 Right. And that's gonna mean having one 694 00:28:19,725 --> 00:28:22,885 or two conversations to just sort of set things in motion, 695 00:28:23,385 --> 00:28:25,925 coming up with plans that they can both agree on 696 00:28:26,785 --> 00:28:29,925 and compromising their in the places that they can't 697 00:28:29,925 --> 00:28:30,765 and in the places that they 698 00:28:30,765 --> 00:28:32,365 can't. You then hard to decision. 699 00:28:32,825 --> 00:28:33,925 - You are asking good questions, 700 00:28:34,025 --> 00:28:35,645 you are asking the right questions. 701 00:28:36,025 --> 00:28:37,085 You need, they need to be, 702 00:28:37,085 --> 00:28:39,285 those questions need to be pointed. Right. 703 00:28:39,465 --> 00:28:41,565 - And you shouldn't be the only one 704 00:28:42,255 --> 00:28:43,565 struggling to make this work. 705 00:28:43,565 --> 00:28:47,285 Right. That ultimately is it Yeah, it is complicated. 706 00:28:47,375 --> 00:28:48,565 Uhhuh. for sure. Yeah. 707 00:28:48,565 --> 00:28:50,045 - Mm-Hmm. can be. Thanks 708 00:28:50,045 --> 00:28:51,885 - For listening to this week's q and a episode. 709 00:28:51,985 --> 00:28:53,805 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 710 00:28:53,875 --> 00:28:56,965 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net 711 00:28:57,145 --> 00:28:58,805 or you can find the link in the show notes. 712 00:28:59,185 --> 00:29:01,685 Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon, 713 00:29:01,815 --> 00:29:04,085 we're able to do this podcast and keep it going 714 00:29:04,085 --> 00:29:05,885 and help kinks due to your support. 715 00:29:06,265 --> 00:29:07,845 If you'd like to be part of our community 716 00:29:07,845 --> 00:29:09,165 and get access to extra content 717 00:29:09,265 --> 00:29:11,565 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 718 00:29:11,565 --> 00:29:13,125 super nice ks, you can do that. 719 00:29:13,315 --> 00:29:15,845 Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. 720 00:29:15,865 --> 00:29:18,565 That's patreon.com/kayla lords, 721 00:29:18,585 --> 00:29:19,845 or use the link in the show notes.