- You are listening to the loving BDSM podcast,
episode 3 85.
Okay. The Lord, here we're the one, the only, the
we keep finding ourselves in
everything we've recorded today.
Talking about sex in this episode,
I don't think will be any, uh, different.
Mm-Hmm, , uh, and you,
you just keep getting more
and more of a gleam in your eye. John
- Brownstein, I don't know what you're talking about,
- .
I feel like wheels are turning .
That is what I think
- Me to know and you to find out.
- I'm looking forward to it.
, we're, we're not talking about that
actually, but still, still there.
The conversation will probably center her a little bit
around sex this week because we're gonna talk about the
term pleasure, Dom.
Uh, what it seems to mean
and what we think about it as a term.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
If this is your first time listening, glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced every Monday
and Friday for your kinky pleasure in education.
And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add the podcast
to your favorite podcast app.
You can also follow the show on FetLife at Loving
BDSM PC on Instagram at that handle.
I will forever fucking hate loving Ds.
And the number one that's at Loving Ds.
One on YouTube at youtube.com/loving bdsm,
where you can watch us live, stream the
podcast every Wednesday.
All links are in the show notes. Okay.
Before we get into today's topic,
I have an unscripted announcement
'cause I didn't know I would be able to announce it.
And for YouTube folks watching the live stream,
this will not help you, but future, you might appreciate it.
Mm-Hmm. , I am adding new things
to our Etsy shop, including new designs.
Are they mostly focused on brats? Yeah.
'cause I had a lot of good ideas with that one.
Um, but there will be very soon a shirt design
called Grumpy Daddy ,
and another one called Sadistic Daddy.
So they're coming for podcast listeners.
By the time you're hearing it, it's all there.
Whatever YouTube folks, if you're watching on Wednesday
livestream day, gimme a few hours.
Like I, it's this afternoon's task is
to get these up online.
. So yeah, that's the announcement.
Our Etsy shop Etsy link in the places.
Um, yeah, I'm excited.
I've finally like, just got my shit together
and could start getting it done like I had said I wanted
to do three months ago.
And here we are. Okay. All right.
So that, that said, we are gonna talk about
the term pleasure, Dom.
I want to give a disclaimer. First disclaimer.
We say every time we talk about a term, if you use this term
for yourself and it feels right to you and
or you define it differently than the way we understand the
definition, that's valid, you get to do that.
Labels are inherently personal.
And for the person who's gonna go, oh, why do we have
to even bother with labels?
You don't have to .
Do not know why It is such a personal affront to somebody
who rejects labels that they need to tell me that.
Why do we even have to talk about labels?
We talk about labels because they create a common language
that helps us have a common understanding most
of the time about what we're talking about.
It gives you, it gives the other person you're talking
to an idea of what you mean gives a reference point, right.
It's a shorthand now. Yeah.
What's important is to then have an in-depth discussion of
what you actually mean and how you define these things.
But it allows us to find like-minded people and to Mm-Hmm.
, you know, figure out who our community is.
Find your tribe. Right. And help figure out who we are.
And so that's why we talk about it.
However, we do not always agree on terms
or how they're used or the definitions.
And so I just, I just want you to know that it's,
it's okay if I don't like a term that you hold very dear
to you, you get to do that.
It's fine. Okay. Okay. Okay.
So let's talk about pleasure dom. Mm.
The first time I personally heard it
was in a work of fiction.
Okay. I think I complained about it in a bonus section a
couple weeks ago, , because I think I said something
like, oh yeah, you know, he said he was her pleasure, Dom.
And the more I've gotten a chance to reflect on this,
that particular book, um, it was out of a series.
Everybody was kinky. It was delightful.
The more I kind of got the ick, and it was not
because he used the term pleasure Dom.
'cause I was like, wait, that's not one I've heard of.
It was kind of the way the character defined it,
which clearly are the authors defining it.
And, you know, I was based on what I've learned since about
how what the air quote real definition seems to be.
I kind like how it was defined in this book
because he was still a daddy dom.
But in that fictional situation,
his focus was on his partner's pleasure,
and he only wanted to provide pleasure.
And most of that was sexual pleasure,
which is absolutely seems to be a defining trait
of the term pleasure dom.
And then where I got the ick was that when he, he
and his partner discovered that she was a masochist to,
even though they never used that word,
and that's my little side eye to the author there,
but like, she liked pain and she liked rough
and not all pain, but certain pain.
And she really craved it. And she wanted those sensations,
this character, this pleasure.
Dom had a little bit of a freak out because he was like,
but I can, I only want to provide pleasure.
And what she's asking
for is not in my definition of pleasure.
And then I was like, then I don't like your term
of pleasure, Dom, because if that is pleasurable to her,
does not mean a person has to then do the thing.
You can, you can have boundaries where you're like,
I'm not gonna do impact play.
I'm not gonna do those things. Yeah.
But please do not say you were somehow not able to do that
because it's not pleasure when it clearly is.
She's having an orgasm all strapped
up there getting flogged.
Like clearly she finds a pleasurable.
So that's where I got the ick from.
Yeah. In the use of the term.
- And, and see, that's kind of where I have, I,
I have heard the term in passing.
Mm-Hmm. It, it was one of those things that I heard.
I was like, yeah, okay, fine.
And whoosh over, you know, over my head. Right.
And, and passed. Now, you know, listening
to you describe what you said in the book,
- And this is a work of fiction, so things get like Yeah.
You know, changed to fit the narrative. Like
- We all know, um, you know, I, I had a very, uh,
broad understanding of what a pleasure dom is.
Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
So it's like, oh, you like pain, you like to be spanked,
you like whips you, like floggers you like,
- That brings you pleasure.
- So that's, I'm, I'm going to do that to you. Pleasure.
- Which if you just go based on what you understand it means
to be a dom or a sub in power exchange,
and then the words you, I think
that's a reasonable leap to go Oh, mm-Hmm.
, my job is to make sure
that my sub is experiencing
pleasure in whatever way it's, we're going to define that.
Yeah. That is not how we seem to define it.
So the absolute best resource that I use to my figure out
what the fuck pleasure dom is supposed to be
is the wonderful Evie Lupine who has a video who would,
that is linked in the places I highly recommend.
Please go watch. She's very fair. She doesn't get ranty.
Like I get ranty and she's very organized.
So if you're like, I can't follow
whatever this is that they're doing.
Mm-Hmm. . And I wanna
understand that's a great video.
Please go watch it. So the video
that Evie put out is from 2022.
And at that time she was saying that the term seems to be
really only a year
or two old, at least in popular kink culture.
Whether it's getting a lot of, uh, conversation
and tags and searches.
And it seems to have originated on, um, TikTok
that might is probably not completely true,
but the popularization of it seems to stem from there.
So it's only a few years old,
but now that we're in 2024,
we're talking like four years old.
Um, and the way Evie described it based on her research in
2022 was that it is, and I wrote it down
'cause I wanted to make sure I got this right.
Primarily it is sensation play and orgasm control.
Um, edging, and I've never heard it referred to this way,
but orgasm, torture.
Mm-Hmm. To me, I've heard orgasm denial and
or forced orgasms.
I've never heard orgasm torture,
but I think it's similar to forced orgasms.
And that primarily focuses on acts of sexual
pleasure performed by one partner on another.
And the primary definition where it seems
to be used the most is on male dom, female sub, um, Mm-Hmm.
. And something that Iwi pointed out
that makes total sense is from her vo viewpoint, the,
you know, the idea of a pleasure dom stems from a response
to the violent stereotype Mm.
Of of dominance, which every example she cited.
And then in some places I saw some things people were
describing sadist, , and masochist.
Yeah. And they had decided that based on whatever
resources they had found, sometimes porn, often porn that
because they didn't like the violent nature air quote
that word violent nature of, um, power exchange.
They needed an alternative term for pleasure dom.
But that in the popular use of it,
it was mostly sexual.
It was not necessarily a power exchange.
The dom was more of a
sexual service top.
Like, I'm gonna prioritize you the air quote subs pleasure,
and I'm gonna give you orgasms and sensation.
It's gonna be sensual and it's gonna be,
and apparently the way that back in 2022, at least,
that it was sort of being described as very like romantic.
And, and that's fine. There can be romantic power exchange.
Let's be very clear here.
But that it was, the way I ended up thinking of it based on
how Evie was describing it, was the
vilification
- Of Yeah.
- Of like power exchange ish, power exchange light.
And I wanna be careful how I use those terms.
Power exchange exists on a vast spectrum
and correct air quote, light is subjective
and air quote light is okay.
Um, but , the way these,
the definitions are being described
and the activities are being described,
at no point was I like, but who, who's in control?
The bless you. The whoa , sorry.
The, uh, sorry. Recording table.
Nearly toppled over .
The way it's being described here is it's really about,
I'm providing this sexual pleasure Mm-Hmm.
in these ways that the receiving
partner enjoys.
And they are the focus. And God
knows there's nothing wrong with that.
JB has done some very sensual things to me that involved no,
um, pain, no impact, nothing.
Air quote, extreme. It was very clear
who was in control there.
Mm-Hmm. . But at no point in the way Evie was
describing her understanding of pleasure, Dom,
were we talking about power control, leadership?
Mm-Hmm. . It was focused on these
very sexual acts.
Okay. So that was the probably the best definition I saw
that felt like it encompassed
what at the time the term seemed to me.
Now, let's be clear terms evolve over time.
As, as a a, a label comes in contact
with real people who are using it.
I think it's like the definitions will
change and adjust a bit.
Mm-Hmm. . And that's okay. Okay.
So 2024 definition
might be a little bit more nuanced than that.
There'll definitely be, I think some people
who have taken on the term and have added nuance to it.
And that's fine. But then
that was not the only resource I went to.
I was like, well, lemme, lemme a look.
Lemme go look at some things. How are we defining
- It?
I mean, to me the, the term pleasure dom is,
is way too ambiguous for me.
- Right. And here's, and this is
where I started getting annoyed
because the way Evie was describing it was kind of specific,
but still didn't sound anything like power exchange
to me it just sounded like a sexual thing.
And that's fine. So then I do doing a Google, like, let's,
let's look at the top results for the term pleasure dom.
And why? Because when a newbie Googles a term,
they're not going to page five to look
for a specific resource,
they're gonna click what's ever on that front page.
Mm-Hmm. . So I was like, lemme see what's on
the front page one was from a site, um, bad Girls' Bible.
And I will link to all
of these in the places I cannot remember if I've already
linked to it on YouTube for the live stream.
But if not, I will. Um, this one is pretty,
uh, am not ambiguous, but it's like, it's pretty vague.
Uh, pleasure Dom. This is a relatively newer term
that appears to have taken off on TikTok
and isn't really used in person.
So that was, uh, I was like, oh, okay.
A pleasure dominant gets their sexual gratification from
filling their partner's sexual needs.
The more pleasure they can give, the better sex toys
and blindfolds are commonly used by pleasure.
Doms uh, pleasure. Doms are typically
male and their subs are female.
Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Fine. Okay.
So that got my hackles up
'cause I was like, um, the,
however you go about it in power exchange,
the point should be the everybody involved
gets pleasure.
Right? And gratification, is it sexual?
That'll depend on the person, but we don't,
we shouldn't have to name a dom something different
for something that All right, responsible, ethical,
sters should be trying to
- Provide.
And now here, here's the other thing, you know, listening
to this is as you, as you read that this also in,
in most of the terms that you have read to me Mm-Hmm.
the description of what this means. Mm-Hmm.
it, it is in my mind in a sense perpetuating
the myth that BDSM is all about sex.
- Yes. Yes.
- Alright. Which anyone who truly lives
the lifestyle at any aspect of the spectrum,
it can be right?
But it's not the bread and butter of it.
- Right? And so when you say pleasure dom,
and then the defining characteristic
is sexual gratification.
Are we saying that every other type of dom who wants
to make sure that their sub experiences pleasure in some way
and, and, you know,
gets their needs met is not a pleasure, Tom?
Like, that doesn't even make sense. It's too fucking vague.
Now here's where I thought my head was gonna explode. Oh.
Oh, for real? For real. So I don't
know anything about the site.
Um, what's it called? Kinky events. It's a UK site.
I just know it's one of the top search results.
And that means that people who don't know a lot
who are trying to learn about a term will find this
and they will see this.
And this is what pisses me off.
Now, to be fair, I understand what you have to do in order
to get on the first page of fucking Google.
You have to write good quality content.
Ideally, that answers a question and is useful to people.
But also you gotta like, write enough for the
SEO search algorithmic gods to like you.
So I get where some of that is coming from.
But as a person who tries
to present power exchange in a realistic
and educational way,
this grinds my fucking gears and here's why.
Ooh. So we get the, what is the pleasure Dom,
uh, style of dominance where the primary role is focused is
to focus on providing pleasure to their partner,
combining elements of dominance
and submission with the main emphasis
being consensual pleasure.
Every fucking power exchange should focus
on consensual pleasure.
What that looks like will be different based on the exchange
and the power exchange and the agreement Yeah.
And what pleasure looks like to each other.
But what are you fucking talking about?
That's the first paragraph. And I, there's still more to go.
Sorry. , would you like to cut in
before I like, make my head explode more?
Go, go right ahead. Go right ahead. Okay.
The pleasure, Dom, in return feels a sense of satisfaction
and fulfillment from having created
and given these pleasurable experiences
to their submissive partner, I'm sorry, JB daddy Dom sadist,
sometimes sadistic bastard,
as I have referred to you, .
Um, you do not consider yourself a pleasure Dom,
but have you ever felt satisfaction
and fulfillment from creating
and providing pleasure for me?
Your submissive baby girl masochist,
never stop that .
We both know that's not fucking true.
Oh my fucking god. Okay, so let, let's keep going.
All right. This is again, smoke was coming outta of my ears.
Pleasure Dom responsibilities. So, um, pleasure.
Dom's role encompasses much more than simply
orchestrating pleasurable experiences.
Okay. Okay. Tell, tell me more.
Make it specific to pleasure dominance,
establishing clear boundaries
and consent, communicating effectively,
creating an environment where their partner can freely
express their desires, fantasies,
and boundaries without fear of judgment.
Actively listening to their partner,
crafting customized experiences for their partner,
taking charge of scenes
and guiding their submissive
through various experiences providing aftercare
only the pleasure.
Doms do that apparently. Wow.
- Um, I guess I've been doing it wrong all these years.
- You were a pleasure Dom,
and you just didn't fucking know it.
- Mm-Hmm. . I, I guess. Wow.
- And, but I'm, I'm not, I'm not done yet.
It, it continues to get better slash worse
- Ex.
Except, you know, hearing this the pleasure, Dom, I ,
I, I can't help but think of auntie entity.
Okay. And the pleasure Dom. .
- God. Okay. . Okay.
So now we get to a section called pleasure dom.
Qualities a good pleasure. Dom has the following qualities.
Now we must assume these are unique qualities
to being a pleasure dom.
Mm-Hmm. . Because it does not indicate anywhere
that this is inherently a quality that all domin should have
or most dominance should have, or
dominance just should have.
Okay. Here they are the qualities of a pleasure dog.
- Alright. - Empathy
and emotional intelligence to understand
and respond to their partner's needs.
Strong communication skills, knowledge of BDSM practices,
techniques and safety protocols, creativity
and adaptability to cater
to their partner's unique desires and fantasies.
Patience and understanding to navigate the complexities
of power dynamics and emotional vulnerability.
A pleasure Dom should know they're submissive
inside and out.
Every goddamn dominant should know that, I don't care
what title you use, I don't care what label you use,
I don't care what your power exchange looks like.
I don't care how you organize it
or negotiate it or fucking do it.
Those are the qualities that every responsible, ethical,
dominant should fucking have.
- It, it it, right? It, it doesn't matter if you identify
as a, as a daddy, dom, as as a master.
You know how,
however, those are the tenets of,
of b DSM of dominant. There's the te
- Yeah.
They're the tenets of bdsm. Yeah.
And here's what pisses me off about this.
If I'm a newbie or I'm a person who's trying
to figure myself out and I'm like, well,
the things I'm seeing in porn
or the things that seem to be happening in my local
community, I'm not resonating
with this type of power change.
And then I hear the term pleasure Dom. Mm-Hmm.
. And then I go Google. Pleasure
Dom and I come across this.
What this says, if you're trying
to learn it absolutely complicit completely implicitly,
implies practically states that only this is
what pleasure doms do.
So does that then mean that every other type of dom
who does not consider themselves a pleasure, Dom,
they just don't do this.
This just isn't a quality you should
- Fucking expect.
Or, or secretly we've been pleasure doms
for years and just didn't know it.
- Oh my fucking God. .
And this goes back to
what Evie was saying in her video about the, the term,
the definition, the utilization of this
seems like it is done in opposition
to the stereotype
of power exchange often seen in porn
because those are the examples most often
fucking sided, right?
That give people the ick.
They're like, no, that's too extreme for me. Mm-Hmm.
, that's too violent for me.
That looks too painful. I don't want any of
that without anybody going.
But wait. You don't have to have any of that.
Those people, Mm-Hmm.
communicated, negotiated, consented.
There is very likely, uh,
a very strict safety protocol in place to mitigate
and manage risk as much as possible.
Right? I'll bet. For fuck's sake.
There's a shit ton of aftercare
after somebody gets the shit beaten outta 'em.
But because you didn't see that
and somebody didn't hold your little hand
and walk you through all the aspects of BDSM,
you should have gone to places like Loving
BDSM or the Pink King Podcast.
We could have fucking told you that.
All of these things that you think you're not
seeing are there.
And what you see is this one little slice Mm-Hmm.
Of life example. Yep.
Even in porn of what BD SM can be does not mean that
that's the end all be all.
Let us, let us put our thinking caps on.
Porn shows us one type of sex.
But those of us who have sexual experience,
I'm not talking about kids
and young people who have no sexual experience
that maybe shouldn't be watching porn yet.
'cause they're probably underage. I'm talking
about those of us who've had experience.
No, that, that one little scene we just saw in a porn clip
and the only fucking way to have sex.
Why? 'cause we've had sex before.
So we've had the experience
and yet nobody takes that thought process and applies it.
Mm-Hmm. to bdsm.
They go, this one porn clip that I just happened to see over
and over again, which I've got questions about your porn
habits, if that's what you're seeing over and over again.
But that's a different conversation. Mm-Hmm.
That is what it must be.
And it can't be anything else.
And so I who discovered my kinky self on TikTok,
and I think that's great because we all learn from different
places and at different times in life,
and we all gotta enter the community in
some way at some time.
But I saw that term here
and I don't have enough context to know
how the whole fucking community actually works.
I think that that is what air quote good dominance is.
And so anything else that does not fall under this
definition, big fat air, quotes
of pleasure Dom means it's everything other than this.
And only pleasure doms follow these fucking rules.
And that is bullshit. Okay.
My skin is so hot right now. . And you
- Did, - Did I say we
should do this episode so that I can have a reason
to yell into a microphone? Maybe
- Good possibility.
So ,
- I needed to find, catch my breath. Thoughts
- .
Jimmy, what
- Thoughts do you have?
- Well, you know, one,
one thing I have been thinking about in all this,
you know, years, years ago
there was a new term that came out in the BDSM lifestyle
and everybody was like, what?
What is this? We don't like this.
Who, how you know, it's called daddy dom? Mm.
Okay. Mm-Hmm. . So, you know, there, there,
there was a time that being a daddy dom was
like, you're a what?
Right? What, what does that even mean? Okay.
So is this now just the
new-ish thing?
- And I I cannot currently see how it could be
because the definitions of actual,
when you define actual dominance
and then you add in the word pleasure, are so broad as
to render it meaningless.
Because to say that you are a pleasure dom
because you care about your partner's pleasure,
and you make sure that they experience pleasure Yeah.
Implies that every other kind of dom does not,
- Does not, yeah. And
- The misunderstanding of
what those other dom types are sadist,
which are not always dom sadist can be taught.
Right. But a sadistic dom or sadistic daddy. Okay? Yes.
The definition of sadist is
that you get pleasure from providing pain,
but the responsible ethical thing is you go find a masochist
who either enjoys the pain
or you find a partner who is willing
to submit to the pain because
- Brings Yeah.
You don't just do it to anybody that
- Brings, they get pleasure from having submitted
to their partner and let their partner do a thing they like.
But guess what? Regardless of who is on the bottom of
what the sadist is fucking doing,
everybody is getting something from it.
There is pleasure.
It just might not look like screaming fucking orgasms.
Mm-Hmm. , which there are too many people
who think that the only kind
of pleasure there is to gain Yeah.
From anything sex or kink is orgasms.
- There, there are absolutely times
when I get my pleasure
from giving you pleasure.
Okay? Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. , you
know, like, like the, uh, I can't, I can't think of the,
the, the song I get off on.
You getting off on me. Oh, yeah, yeah. Thing.
I can't think of a song, but I know what
you're talking about.
Yeah. You know what I'm so, you know, there, there,
there is definitely that.
But you know, then there are times when I just want
to grab something and, and open up a can of whoop
- Ass.
But here's the thing, you are getting your pleasure
and you were doing it with a willing partner
that one you respect my boundaries and limits.
Yeah. So you're not gonna go over those.
So as long as you're staying within my boundaries and limits
and doing it to a consenting willing partner Mm-Hmm.
, I'm gaining pleasure
for a variety of reasons.
Maybe I'm gaining pleasure from
the sensation that you're providing.
Sure. Maybe I'm gaining pleasure from the amount of power
and control that you are taking in the moment.
Maybe I'm getting pleasure simply
because I know you're having a good time.
It's all fucking pleasure.
- Yeah. - So
what the fuck does a pleasure dom actually mean when every
pairing in power change or more than a pair, you know?
Mm-Hmm. threesomes and more trios.
And I can't think of numbers higher as that. So
- Then in that case, isn't the name apt pleasure
Dom? 'cause everybody's getting pleasure,
- But it, it's rendered meaningless.
You did that on purpose.
, would you like to stop being known
as a sadist and a daddy dom?
And I'll just call you a pleasure. Dom does a pleasure.
Dom describe in any way with any, um,
detail what kind of dom you are.
- Makes me, makes me feel like I'm out for hire. .
- I'm not above hiring your ass out. Okay.
Don't you even worry, . That's, that's the point.
I think if somebody just really resonates
with the term, fucking use it.
Yeah. But I think you have to be realistic about
what you're actually saying.
Because if you are a pleasure Dom
and JB is a sadistic daddy dom, does
that mean he's not providing pleasure to his partner?
Yeah, of course it doesn't.
So that's where the term really bothers me.
Now, I can get into, I think there's an argument to be made
and a a, a rant somewhere about the fact
that this term seems to have originated from cis het couples
who are like, let's, let's focus on the woman's orgasm.
Like, look, anything that focuses in a heterosexual
situation on the female partner's orgasms, we're,
we're moving forward in some way.
But please do not try to sell me on a kink term
that specifically focuses on female orgasms.
Mm-Hmm. , whatever the fuck that means.
And then try and say that that is a term
that is somehow supposed to work for the entire kink world.
Mm-Hmm. . Or that by focusing on let's be real,
a person with a fucking vulvas
or orgasms the g-spot, whatever orgasms that
that somehow makes you special and unique
and that makes you a pleasure, Dom, but nobody else does.
Because now we're acting like nobody else in kink
or insects ever is focusing on those kinds
of orgasms and centering those kinds of orgasms.
Mm-Hmm. , I feel like at
that point you're fucking telling on yourself, it is
so unusual to focus on those orgasms
that it's a kink orgasm, excuse me.
Control kink, playing with orgasms.
Pleasure, sexual pleasure,
sexual gratification can be a part of your kink life.
- Sure. Denial, edging any of that.
- And you can focus your kink life on sex, that's fine.
But do not come to me
and tell me nothing about how you're leading,
taking control, or have power over somebody.
And that the most unique element of this is, oh look,
my woman finally got to come more than once.
And I knew it. I was aware and present for it.
And every other fucking time
before we found this air quote kink,
I didn't know I had to ask.
And the real reason thing I want you to know is if you have
to ask if she came 99.9%
of the time, no the fuck she didn't.
And you were not rubbing her
clit, you were rubbing her thigh.
That's a whole different story
for a whole different audience. Woo.
- talk about being off the mark
- It, I was thinking about this today
and I knew I could not think too much about this episode
because then I would mentally rant
and then they would be gone and into the
ether and I wouldn't have them for y'all.
So Mm-Hmm. , there's a song
by, I cannot remember who.
It's, um, very popular
as a soundbite on reels and tiktoks or whatever.
And I don't remember who sings that. I don't remember
what the fucking song's called, but the line goes,
I'm vanilla baby, but I'll choke you.
And this sort of reminds me of that.
Every time I hear that line, I get so pissed off. Yeah,
- Yeah.
- We're playing breath play. But you think you're vanilla,
- Right?
- You are trying to control the, the amount
of oxygen your partner takes in or lets out
and you think you're vanilla.
This is sort of like that to me when Evie in her video said,
yeah, it was either Evie said it
or somebody in her comment said, this is the ification
of kink and it's vanilla people finding something
that they think Mm-Hmm.
is unique. And so it's a kink. Now.
Now, look, I don't have anything against vanilla
folk, non kinky folk.
I also think that sometimes non kinky
folk are more kinky than they realize.
They're just maybe not ready to embrace that language.
And maybe they never will and they'll just do shit
that those of us in kink are gonna go,
eh, that's kind of kinky.
But this, I don't know. I don't know.
I'm, I'm so hot that my brain is overheating
and I can't think straight anymore.
- Okay. You, you, you brought up an interesting point there.
The vilification of kink. Mm-Hmm. . Alright.
So within all this, is this a possibility that with this
pleasure dom title, um,
it is that portion of it.
So does that mean okay, some of this terminology,
the way things look is going to change,
but it's becoming more mainstream?
- I would say Yes. Okay. Or maybe, or we're getting there.
Mm-Hmm. if the way pleasure dom
as a is defined as a separate entity from any other kind
of dom was not literally all the good qualities
of all dominance everywhere all the time.
I think that by trying to make pleasure dom some kind
of separate entity
that is completely unlike any other dom out
there, that is the problem.
Because we already have a problem in the king community.
Many problems in the king community,
but from, from the aspect of trying to like,
help people figure their themselves out
and be comfortable in their power exchange.
Yeah. We already have a problem where plenty
of people see a stereotype of kink,
I was just yelling about it a few minutes ago
and think, well, I'm not kinky because I'm not like that.
Or the people who are trying to have a power exchange
or be kinky and think that they're failing Mm-Hmm.
because it's, they're not able to do it
and be happy with the stereotype.
And it is when that they, they discover
that they can make dominance
and submission mean whatever they need it to mean.
And they can pull from every title and every label
and every part of kink
to craft the most unique personalized experience
for them and their partner.
And that gets to be just as valid as anybody else's. Mm-Hmm.
, when you have a definition of pleasure, dom
that either says nothing about power
and control, it's like, look, I found the clit
and I rubbed it a few times, and aren't I a genius?
That's either one definition or the most popular definition.
It literally defines all dominance everywhere.
But does not say that all of these qualities apply
to all dominance
and implies that every other kind
of dominance isn't caring
about the pleasure of their partner.
That does a disservice to all of kink.
And it perpetuates the stereotypes that it's all violent
and it's all abuse and it's all anti-woman
and it's all anti-feminist
and us brainless little female subs.
We are just letting ourselves get abused all the time.
'cause we don't know better. And
it takes away agency from us.
And it's just this huge cluster fuck of bullshit
now could sters with the understanding
of BDSM and the nuance.
And I don't mean us, I mean
somebody else 'cause this Mm-Hmm.
the more I think about this
term, the hotter I get.
So I'm not the one could somebody somewhere where
maybe eventually come up with a definition
that I might never use,
but that does not make my asshole clinch.
Yeah. Yeah. Because language evolves
and the understanding of terms evolves.
Right. So it can start off on TikTok
and mean, oh look, I found the clit and I used it.
And then become something more nuanced.
The problem I have with
the big definition where it's top page of Google
and it's defining pleasure dom
with every other characteristic
of every other good dom out there.
Mm-Hmm. . That's,
that's not the nuance we need.
Because the implication, if you don't know better, is that,
oh, only pleasure Doms behave this way.
Only pleasure Doms care about the pleasure of their partner.
Only pleasure Doms have empathy. What?
- Yeah. Yeah. No, I, I I understand
- The entire, the entire world of, of power exchange
and really all king topping and bottoming.
But I'm, we're focused on power exchange. Okay. Mm-Hmm.
The entire concept of power exchange requires empathy.
Sure. From both sides of
- Absolutely. Yeah. So I
- Don't need a term to get defined as the sole arbiter
of fucking empathy or pleasure.
Mm-Hmm. quite frankly. Yeah.
Because like, the more I think about, wait,
you're acting like his sadistic ass beaten on me.
Did not make my masochistic self just
giggle and smile.
Mm-Hmm. and feel so fucking good and seen.
You're saying my, my pleasure is not pleasure.
And the pleasure is, is defined under pleasure,
Dom is the air quote, real pleasure.
Mm-Hmm. And the rest of us just are what? Yeah.
- I mean, alright. I, I'm, I'm gonna say something.
It probably won't be maybe a very popular opinion.
So get ready. I may set her off .
- I don't know. I'm getting, I'm getting
kind of tired. So it's like,
- Ooh.
I, I mean, while I am not fond of
the moniker Mm-Hmm.
. Alright. If people are searching out the
term pleasure dom
and finding information like, like this website Okay.
And, and seeing all the attributes that a dominant
should possess, is that necessarily a terrible thing?
- What happens when they figure out their sadistic?
Do they then throw all that out?
'cause it doesn't match up with their pleasure do themself?
They go, oh, well I don't have to be empathetic.
That's my pleasure Dom side,
but my sadist, he's a rap bastard
and I get to be a rap bastard
and I don't have to care when I'm,
- Well, I'm a rap bastard too when I'm a s sadist, but I
- Have, but you still fucking care about me.
Absolutely. Right. Nothing in that definition.
I don't, I just need an asterisk that says, by the way,
all Doms should do this.
- I don't wanna break my toys.
I like to keep playing with 'em. And you fucking
- Care about me and you love me.
And outside of the moment when the sadist,
the inner sadist takes over, like,
if you let your sadistic side go with no care for me, like,
first of all, cannot imagine
it 'cause you're not wired that way.
But let's say mm-Hmm.
radioactive spider bites you.
And that's the superpower, right?
the webs, it's bondage webs fine.
But here's the thing if for, for even a blip of time Mm-Hmm.
, you lost your goddamn mind.
And the sadist took over with no empathy, no care for me.
And all of the ridiculous stereotypes
that too many people think about certain
parts of the kink life.
Yeah. And you did not bring me pleasure
and quite frankly, brought the opposite of pleasure.
Mm-Hmm. . And then when you come back
to yourself, 'cause every good, you know, person going
through the radioactive spider bite ,
they come back to themselves eventually.
Right? Right. Yeah. Okay.
You would be devastated to find out
that you did a thing that Yeah.
You got total pleasure from. And I was harmed by it. Right.
I was upset by it.
I was scared of you in a not consensual way.
That's the thing, telling people that this is
what dominance is, all of those Mm-Hmm.
characteristics and
qualities and responsibilities.
Yes. But it should not be characterized
as the sole domain of pleasure, Dom.
- True. - Because what that means is
that person who's like, oh, I'm a pleasure dom,
and this, all of this resonates me.
And hey, I'm, I'm glad I want somebody who's trying
to dominate another human being to look at the things
that are defining characteristics
and responsibilities of dominance
and go, I am willing to do that.
I can do that. I'll learn those skills. This is right to me.
I, I want every dominant to think that Mm-Hmm.
. However, as you
and I, well know,
very rarely is somebody a singular type of thing in kink.
You start off that way because you don't know shit yet.
And then you discover, Hey, I like sensations.
I like these sensations, but not those.
I like to do these things, but not those.
And then our definitions expand.
Our labels will sometimes expand.
So if this is the definition of pleasure, dom Mm-Hmm.
. And it's the only definition
I've ever seen a pleasure dom.
And it's the only way I've ever seen it defined.
That means when I find my sadistic side
or my rigor side Mm-Hmm.
or my daddy's side,
it doesn't, this doesn't apply.
That's pleasure Dom.
And I'm over here doing a different thing.
And so now all of these responsible
qualities, what does it mean?
I can ignore, I would be terrified of a person
who could read those things.
Go, oh, that's what pleasure dom is.
And then think that they could ignore it for sadism. Mm-Hmm.
. But how many times do people think
that sadist in kink are evil human beings
that genuinely do not care about their partner's pleasure
because they get pleasure from
providing pain or causing pain?
Yes. Mm-Hmm. to a person who wants
to fucking receive it. True.
- Very true. Very, very true.
- And is getting their own form of pleasure
by being on the receiving end.
So yeah, it looks selfish from the
outside if you just decide that the
little s is a nonentity. Mm.
- I But there, there's, yeah, it, it doesn't work that way.
I mean, even, even like with rope, you know, the, the,
the top, the rigor, they enjoy the,
excuse me, they enjoy the aspect of tying somebody.
All right. A rope bottom likes to be bound in rope.
They like the feeling of the rope.
So it's so, I don't know, maybe
by definition of a pleasure, Dom, I'm not a real dom.
- That's another thing.
When, when we define things that narrowly mm-Hmm.
, and we say, or re imply,
it's only this one kind of thing, how would anybody else,
they'd go, well, maybe I'm not, maybe I'm not a real dom.
Mm-Hmm. , maybe dominance isn't for me
because I identify with all these qualities,
but I would never call myself that.
And quite frankly, I think more people would probably call
themselves that if we did not already have a lot of language
that allows people to find very unique ways.
Right? Mm-Hmm. . And
or quite frankly, if all you ever called yourself was a
dominant, it could still encompass sadism, caregiver
- Pleasure. Sure.
- But pleasure Dom makes it sound like anything
outside of that is,
I don't know, disappointment Dom, displeasure dom.
I hate this in my, you know, consent is being violated.
Dom, we got words for them. Those are abusers. Yeah.
Those are this, you know what I mean? Like, right.
I go back to I know it doesn't sound like it.
'cause I really don't like the term.
If you wanna call yourself a pleasure, mom, do you, okay.
You get to define it for yourself in whatever way it means.
But do not think for a second that you providing pleasure
to your partner makes you fucking unique.
Okay. The whole goddamn purpose of all
of this is mutual pleasure.
The pleasure will look different.
The pleasure will come at different times.
It's not always the moment you feel pleasure.
I feel pleasure. Quite frankly,
sometimes when you're feeling pleasure,
'cause you're beating my ass, I'm going, can I handle this?
Mm-Hmm. gritting my teeth.
And what I look like is that I'm not experiencing pleasure,
but there will come a point where I'm like,
basking in fucking pleasure.
Yeah. So, mm-Hmm.
that I think there's,
there's the whole heteronormative.
Wow. I found orgasms for my woman thing.
Let's sort of troublesome to me on, on all the levels.
But the, the thing that grinds my goddamn gears
is this idea, excuse me,
I almost choked in my own spit this idea
that only the pleasure doms are providing pleasure.
Fuck you. Is what I say to that.
Fuck you.
- Say that again. I didn't catch it.
- Fuck you. - Okay. Thank you.
- Not you. I mean, , - I know
- If me telling you fuck you is going gonna get like
some kinky fuckery later.
I mean, consider it set. I won't say it again.
I'm not that crazy. Mm
- Mm Okay.
Okay.
You know, it's, it's, it's an,
it's another label thrown into the mix.
- It is, it is. And you know, there may come,
I keep telling myself, there may come a point
where somebody, where enough people use it
and it finds a more common definition.
Mm-Hmm. that does not piss me off. Yeah.
And even if it, if,
even if 20 years from now it's still out there
and it's still pissing me off,
I'll just be an old lady yelling under the sky.
Mm-Hmm. People still get to use it.
Because the thing is, is I call myself all kinds of terms
and other people would define those terms
differently than I define them.
And that gets to be okay.
So my big thing is think about how you're defining something
and think about when you add something into a definition
you are with, if you're not careful in how you explain it
and how you present it, and how you, you know,
share that information.
The implication is
that others are excluded from that definition.
That's the reason we have different terms, right? Mm-Hmm.
, there's a reason that daddy dom is not
necessarily the same as a master.
It can be, I've met a few people who are like, I'm a master
and a daddy and that's what I do.
'cause it's two parts that make me sure a whole dominant.
And you get to do that. And you can say, I'm a dominant
who focuses on my partner's pleasure, which to me,
within imply you do things often
or sometimes that don't give, bring you pleasure,
but you do them specifically for your
partner. And I think that's okay.
- Mm-Hmm. - That you get to do that.
But the, the current common definitions
that people who are trying
to figure themselves are gonna come
across, do not fucking cut it.
They do a disservice to the people
who are learning about power exchange.
They do a disservice to power exchange in general,
and they perpetuate stereotypes and that is the problem.
- Mm-Hmm. . Yep. Yep.
I mean, there, there are certain tenants of
BDSM, especially as a dominant, you know, what,
what you read from that, you know,
about the communication, about the empathy, about this,
you know, those are all basic tenants of
what it is to be a dominant, to be
- And to be a submissive.
Yeah. Let's be real there.
- No, it, it goes both ways. It, it absolutely does.
Ooh, does that mean you're a pleasure sub?
- Uh, that you know what? you
- Know what, - I would be hard pressed
to find any submissive who's not a, who's attached
to a dom who's not a pleasure sub because you know what?
It looks different in different ways
and we approach it in different ways.
But I have never met a submissive in a relationship
who did not try
to their very best extent, as often as possible.
Mm-Hmm. to put their partner's pleasure first.
Quite frankly, I spend a lot of time talking
to submissives going, hi, by the way, you have needs
and you get to experience pleasure.
Please tell your dom about your own needs.
Because a stereotype of submission is we are just there
for whatever our dom wants.
And you and I spend have spent
how many years since 20 fucking 15, trying
to help people understand that it is two sides of a coin.
Yes. Right? Yes.
The dom is in control, has the power, takes the lead.
Mm-Hmm. is the decider,
however you wanna do that.
Yeah. And yes, they're gonna do what they can to get
what they want within your boundaries, within consent.
Mm-Hmm. , but also submissives.
Get to get what they want to.
- Sure. And, and, you know, the whole thing with labels,
labels were very important to me in the beginning.
Yes. Okay. In, in discovering who I, I am,
you know, who, who I want to be, et cetera.
And it, it's just like anything else.
Part of the reason why labels don't really fit
anymore is because I'm not just one thing.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, yes.
I have those foundational tenets that, that mine,
but everything else is a little bit of this.
Right. A touch of that, a splash of that. Mm-Hmm.
, you know, I am not one thing
to be pigeonholed. Right.
- 'cause most people aren't. Right.
I think even when, you know, we get to know kinks
who use one very solid term for themselves.
Mm-Hmm. . When you ask them what that means
and they define it for you, it's a, a conglomeration
of all kinds of different parts of play.
It's just that this one term fits them better.
They don't wanna call themselves a this or that,
or the this is the thing.
And that is okay. That is, Mm-Hmm, . Okay.
My problem is less with the term
and more about how it's being viewed
and defined by people who can influence people
who are trying to learn.
And that is the problem.
I mean, there is the problem of, if it started on TikTok
and it was about, oh look, I found the clit and the gpo.
Look at her go. You know, I mean
that's a just a different type of discussion that,
you know, i, I care about, but I don't care about
- .
- I don't know. I, I don't love it. Um,
- No, - I think that there's a part of me
that would imagine because saying pleasure renders,
renders the way it's defined.
Render isn't meaningless because e everything we
do is about pleasure.
Just pleasure will be defined differently from person
to person and scene to scene in situation to situation.
Like it just will. It, it makes it meaningless.
It's so vague and so broad as to be meaningless.
If you tell me that you are somehow a special kind of dom
because you care about your partner's pleasure,
what you've told me is you don't fucking
understand dominance at all.
- Mm-Hmm. - , I'll give you the benefit
of the doubt and think you must be new.
I'll send you to some resources that can better educate you.
Yeah. But that's what you're telling me.
Well, I'm a pleasure Dom,
because I care about my partner's pleasure.
Well, fuck you. So does my sadistic daddy
- .
- You are not somehow, inherently better than you are not
somehow, inherently different than
the way we express those things
will change from person to person.
It be different from person to person.
And that's okay too. But
- So somebody asked the, the question in, in the chat,
what would you use in place of pleasure?
- I wouldn't, just wouldn't use pleasure.
Dominant is dominant is dominant.
I don't care what your subcategory is.
- Big D is big D. - Big D is big.
D is big D power exchange is
power exchange is power exchange.
I don't care if, it doesn't matter if it's romantic, sexual,
a combo, platonic, whatever.
I can't think of other words that I could be
- A big, a big D by any other name is still a big
- D.
If, if a dominant and a submissive are coming together
to create a power exchange and have a thing happen
and both partners pleasure is not one
of the fucking goals, then is it power exchange?
I don't personally think so
because if I as a little s never get what I need
and never enjoy what I'm doing,
what the fuck am I doing there?
What am I doing there? I'm becoming a fucking doormat
because maybe I just don't know any better.
And I've spent way too many years, Mm-Hmm.
telling way too many submissives
that their needs matter, their pleasure matters
and adamo that cares about them.
And I think we hear care
and we automatically think in love will marry me.
Whatever, whatever. No, A dom who cares about them
and wants to be a responsible ethical dom is gonna give a
fuck what you want and need.
Right. They might not always give it to you right.
When you want it. You might not always get it in the
same amounts every day.
It might not look the way you imagined in the play
that's happening in your head.
But you should be able to look back on a scene
and go, I did get pleasure from that.
Or as I often find, Jimmy's the sadist who loves, who loves,
who loves to create painful sensation that makes me
squeal dance on my toes.
Go, no daddy, no, no. That is stinging sensation.
It does not bring me pleasure.
The thing that brings me pleasure is the submission in his
control over me and that he's paying attention to me.
'cause I'm an attention whore.
says a woman with a camera
and a microphone, .
But he, that is his go-to sensation
because he is looking to create a response for me.
'cause that brings him pleasure.
And he knows that me submitting to that power
and control brings me pleasure.
But he balances that with sensation. I like thud.
I want it to feel like a deep tissue massage.
And when he does that, he may not get as much pleasure
as he would get making it sting.
But he knows that I'm getting pleasure from being beat
upon consensually.
And so his job is to balance the things
that bring him the most pleasure
that he knows I will get pleasure from in a way.
And the things that I definitely get pleasure from mm-Hmm.
that maybe don't like he likes
it, but he likes the other more.
Right? Like it's all nuance and, and sure.
And individual, and it depends on the day.
And it depends on if mercury's in the fucking
microwave again or whatever.
Mm-Hmm. . Like, it all depends on
what the fuck's going on, but it's all based on pleasure.
- Right. And,
and see somebody in Chad was talking about, you know,
the more correct solution is
to more strongly emphasize the difference
between dominance and sadism.
And I, I think that's a line for many people that, that get,
that gets blurry as well. Which is why
- Well, like when you and I talk about it, we talk about it
as your, your dominant side and your sada side. People,
- They, they are two very different things.
Right. And, and at least in my mind, that's how I see it.
- Right. And there's a lot of commingling because when,
and we talked about this in our private conversation
about her kinks the other day.
I said, when you are making me squeal or, you know, cry
or jump around on my toes to kind
of get away from the sensation, is
that your dominant side or your sadist?
I expected him to say, it's both. I, that's what I expected.
He goes, no, that's where my sadist Mm-Hmm. .
He's like, but when I'm like, I've pinned you down
to the fucking bed, that's my dominant side.
Those are the conversations people need to have. Yeah.
People who willingly
and publicly talk about their own kinks.
I think it's a good idea to differentiate.
And even if you don't love labels to say this kind
of thing kind of comes under sadism
and this kind of thing kind of comes under this
and absolutely.
Mm-Hmm. . It's why we
talk about it the way we do.
Yes. He's a daddy dom
and as a type of dominant, that's kind of the,
the big classification.
But he's a sadistic daddy dom implying
that there's sadism there.
Right. . Stop doing the sadist laugh.
Oh my god. Right.
Like, if you are presenting yourself
to the overall community as here, learn from me.
I got sh shit to share with you.
I think it's important to talk
about those things as separate.
I think as a, a lay person,
just like living your kinky life,
you might just say you're dominant,
but you might not define for everybody
who comes across you at the lunch that you're also a sadist.
And here's what that means. I think if more people get
exposed to that kind of way
of talking about it, more people will do that.
It normalizes it. Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. .
Um, but the, the thing that porn doesn't do well,
not the kind
of porn you find on porn hub, let's put it that way.
That what that does not do well is everything gets
classified as BDSM.
Or this is a dom who's in control Mm-Hmm. .
And then what they present is very sadistic play.
And so that then gets normalized for people who don't,
who don't have enough experience yet with their kink self
and learning about kink
and all that to understand that, oh,
that's actually two separate things I'm seeing here.
And so we, we get those ideas stuck in our head,
but this is where then I come back to, your kink life needs
to be an ongoing learning experience.
Okay? You should be learning about, you know,
what things mean to you
and how you would describe them and what you like.
And the best way to learn that is both
through experience with a partner.
Sure, sure. But also in whatever resources
and in whatever way you like to learn things.
Watch Evie Mm-Hmm. . Watch, listen to us.
Whatever, whatever. Pink King podcasts.
Wherever you get information that resonates with you,
the more information you take in,
the more nuanced your own understanding of yourself
and the labels that would apply to you.
Mm-Hmm. become.
- So, I, I just want to quickly touch on something
that I had watched go past in, in chat.
Mm. Um, talking about, uh, culture
and boundaries and observing.
Okay. Different things. Um, I,
my hot take on that real quick is that culture, the,
the BDSM culture is just as important right?
Up there with, with respecting boundaries,
with respecting consent.
And, and here's why. When I first came into the community,
I had a basic understanding of, of boundaries and consent.
Mm-Hmm. . But by joining the community
and becoming part of the culture,
we educate each other. Right. You
- Learn from each other.
- Okay. You, you, we learn from each other. Mm-Hmm.
. And, and that is how my understanding
of consent of, of boundaries and things like that grew.
Mm-Hmm. . It, it was from becoming part
of the community to becoming part of the culture.
That's how you gain your understanding, because
- You see different viewpoints, right?
Your viewpoint is a very myopic viewpoint
that only encompasses what you personally have experienced.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. , whether you've
heard it, seen it, done it.
So when you go out into a broader community, whether
that's online or it's in person, right?
Both are valid. Both are,
they're different from one another, but they're valid.
You then get to hear what other people think,
what other people have experienced.
Mm-Hmm. how they handled a thing.
And either you'll take that information
and go, yeah, I wouldn't do it that way.
Or you'll take that information and go, wow. Shit.
I never thought there was another way I could do it. Yeah.
So, yeah. .
And I think a, I think personally, so first of all,
if somebody just wants to be kinky in their bedroom
and never listen to a podcast, read a book, go to a munch,
talk to another king straw online, that's fine.
You get to, you get to do that like that. Mm-Hmm.
. There are plenty of people who
live their whole lives.
They don't even know that the BDSM community is a thing.
Right. And their, their experience is valid and it's good.
And as long as they're not harming anybody non consensually,
do you baby have a good time?
Yeah. That being said, once you venture out of
that very personal space
and you start consuming content, following people,
interacting with people, you're now part even minimally
of a broader community.
Once you come out of, this is my bedroom
and this is what I do, and what are other people doing?
And what else is out there?
Then to me, I don't think it's some sort of requirement
that you understand the broader concepts of BDSM.
But if you are taking in the information just
by Oz fucking Moses,
you're probably gonna learn some things about the broader
idea and community of BDSM.
Now, we can never guarantee that people who make
that first step outta their bedroom hit a healthy,
ethical, safe ish.
'cause it's all risk. Mm-Hmm.
, there's no such a safe, you know what I mean?
Yeah. Community where they're gonna learn best practices.
Like that's, we know that's not true.
We know that's not true. But ideally,
the more they learn online, the more they investigate
and discover and they, you know,
they're gonna come across somebody who resonates enough
with them that hopefully they learn something about the
broader community that makes them a better ster.
That's the idea. That's the idea. Mm-Hmm.
like, the more you can understand
how the wider BDSM community
and the B-D-S-M-M Culture genre, I don't know
what to call us Yeah.
Operates and what our, our kind
of agreed upon best practices are, knowing
that individuals will disagree.
But broad strokes, most people will agree with this.
I think you become a better kister if you have been doing
your kink life in your bedroom your whole life,
and you never had anybody go.
Yeah. But your communication skills need
to continuously be improving.
That means you could be stuck in a rut and you
and your partner might not be at the height
of whatever your relationship could be
because you've never had that idea introduced.
And yet every responsible K share I've ever come
across, whether they have a microphone
and share their viewpoints online
or they do not, will say, I have
to be good at communication.
And sometimes I will fuck up
and then I have to learn a new skill.
And I have to get, I have to go do a hard thing in order
to have a good relationship with this partner.
That that's the, the what the culture does.
Is it always that way in every community? No.
Are there toxic spaces? Yes. . Yes.
However, that, that, that is what I
I say about that. Okay.
- That - I've made my throat hurt.
- Mm-Hmm. .
- Anyway, - , anywho, uh,
- Is, lemme go through.
I did, I did take notes. Oh, there were points I wanted.
- Okay. Oh, - Good. I hit all my points.
- All right. There you go. See, okay.
- When anybody who looks at the show notes,
like the podcast show notes,
it will look very calm.
- .
- You'll think you never said those words in that order.
No, but you got my fucking point.
I'm gonna put the calm notes that I'm referencing now
to make sure we covered all points in the show notes.
But, but the actual recording be
had different experience
- And time.
Whole different bulk can of worms. Yep. Oh boy. So,
- Okay.
I, uh, I covered everything. We covered everything. Mm-Hmm.
, I yelled and probably pissed enough people
off that I don't feel like there's anything I have
to add. There you go to
- It. Alright.
- Uh, do you have anything you would like to add?
- ? Nope. Nope, Nope, nope. Nope. Oh my gosh. Uh,
- My skin is so hot. .
- Yeah. Your face is red.
You you've been like, you know, my
- Blood pressure pill is working over time today.
- Yes. It's Yes, is indeed. It is. But we,
- We could, we could do a, um, motor section now.
- Okay. All right. So, are we good? I
- Dunno.
I dunno. I dunno.
- Keep it kinky - Y all and we'll see you next week.
- Daddy. - Donnie.
- Yes. . - Oh my God.
Donnie, can I talk to the Koreans
- - Instead of yelling at them?
.
- Oh boy. - I would like
to talk instead of yelling. Thanks.
- Go ahead. - Okay.
, uh, just to reiterate something I said at the top
that would've been completely forgotten in all
of my screaming .
Um, by the time the podcast episode goes out,
there will be new, uh,
products on our Etsy shop, new shirt designs.
Mm-Hmm. . I've got a grumpy daddy,
a sadistic daddy, uh, bra,
three versions of bratty since birth.
'cause I liked all three designs
I made, and I couldn't decide.
I'm like, fuck it, I don't have to. Um, yeah.
And one that I, it just,
I don't know if it's a good design, but it makes me happy.
It says bratty, bratty, bratty in bubble letters. .
Like, I just fucking love it. There's that one too.
For folks watching the live stream on Wednesday,
February 21st at currently 1:05 PM our time.
They're not up yet, but they'll be soon
because I'm like, I'm doing all the prep work,
so then all I have to do is hit publish.
It's delightful. So that's happening.
Um, Lola is not in here
and has not been howling to come in here.
- You're right. - Yeah. You wanna go check on your girl?
She was pro. She heard me yelling and got nervous.
She went, fuck that shit. Right.
- I don't know. - I am, I'm very hot.
My blood pressure definitely went up. And it's hard.
Like I get, I get passionate clearly.
And yet I know there will always be an
exception to the rule.
There'll be somebody who's like,
just a genuinely like decent K who's like,
but I really like the term pleasure.
Do. I don't, I don't, I don't want you to be mad at me.
And I'm not. I'm not, I'm not.
It's really for the masses
and it's for the, the problems I can already see ahead.
Like, I can already see how things will get weaponized
and used against people and Mm-Hmm.
assumptions will be made and it just, I mean,
I guess I shouldn't, it pisses me off,
but also I guess it's job security.
, every day a new little baby Kister comes online
and learns some bullshit
and hopefully they find us too .
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . And I
don't scare them away.
.
- So Lola is in her crate Okay. On, on her pillow.
And she's just curled up and just, just
- Chilling.
Yeah. We gotta get her in for a bath. That girl is
- Stinking.
Yeah.
- Stinking. - Yeah. She does needs her nails trimmed too.
I hear her tap tip
- Tap.
Yes. I, I saw that too. Mm-Hmm. .
And, uh, Luna points out something
that's currently available, um, for certain patrons
and Patreon, but we will have a new, um, planner
set thing for, um, Etsy.
And it is bunny themed.
And I purposely avoided Easter Bunny.
'cause that's way too, like specific to a time period.
And I just went with Bunny.
Um, how could I not, when I know there's at least
two people, one
or two people in live chat with Bunny in their name.
Right. There's at least two or three people in our
Patreon with Bunny in their name.
Like how, how could I not? Yeah. Um, so
- - And Rah Rah says,
I've been ranting about this term for more than a year.
, I meant to go look before this episode
and then completely forgot.
Uh, does the Pink Kink podcast have an episode about this?
If so, I'll link to it in the show notes and rah rah.
Feel free to shout it out in the live chat.
Um, because I did think about that.
I was, because I remembered Raro
saying, I fucking hate that term.
Right. I was like, do they already have an episode on it?
And I forgot to go look .
So, um, yeah.
I I have a feeling if it's not already happening, um,
that TikTok finding your kink self via TikTok
will be, if it's not already much like,
and unfortunately treated like people
who figured out they were kinky through 50 shades of gray.
Mm-Hmm. .
- I mean, it's, it's wonderful full that
in, in this time of life.
Mm-Hmm. it is so easy for people
to be able to find out information.
Mm-Hmm. about kink if they are curious.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, um,
let's, uh, let's face it, you know, I
was doing kinky things back in my early twenties.
Right. Um, pre-cell phone, pre
internet, internet, you know?
Right. None, none of that. None of that stuff existed then.
And, and I had no idea there was a,
a name for what I was doing.
Mm-Hmm. . There were other people who
did the things I was doing.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, so on, on one hand. Yeah.
It, it's great that that information is, is
so readily available for people
- And there's so many different entry points.
Yes. Like the, the thing is, is pre-internet, you either had
to know what dirty magazines to go look at the back of,
or you had to know somebody,
or you had to, to live in a place that was big enough
where you could probably Mm-Hmm.
In certain neighborhoods, bump into somebody else.
Whatever, whatever. Yeah. You had to be brought into shit.
Right. And now it's like,
and this is why when people say how I, I own, I don't,
I don't wanna go on FetLife
and I don't wanna use kinky dating apps.
How will I find a kink partner?
I'm like, literally kinky People are everywhere.
People gather. TikTok is, I imagine,
I think the most unfriendly to kink content
with accounts getting banned all the time.
It's why, it's one reason why I'm not
trying to get us on Mm-Hmm.
, uh, TikTok. I don't,
I don't need the aggravation of building a following
and then being, having it pulled out from under.
Like, I, that just annoys the fuck outta me.
Instagram did it once in 2015 and I'm still pissy.
So can you imagine if TikTok did it to me every few months?
Yeah. No, but that's the point. Kink TikTok is a thing.
People are coming across information
and they're going, oh, this resonates.
Oh, is that, is that what I've been doing
in the privacy of my own?
Oh, okay. I'm kind of into this. Mm-Hmm. .
And the, the thing is, is that Everywhere in every space
where humans gather, there's also bad information.
, yes. There just is.
But everybody needs an entry point. Mm-Hmm.
and tick. But the,
and what I remember about 50 Shades, a lot of people assumed
that I got into kink 'cause of 50 shades.
'cause apparently I figured out it was kinky the same year.
50 Shades became like a massively popular book.
And I was like, no, no. Didn't, nope.
Didn't know anything about it. Mm-Hmm.
Um, but there's a lot of derision from older,
more established people
or people who are mostly in person communities of like,
somehow the online way of finding it
or the not being brought to a much way
of finding it is invalid.
And what it means is that there's a lot of misinformation,
but it's not invalid.
Anyway, this is, this is episode stuff, bonus section stuff.
- - Got sucked right back into it, didn't you?
I did. I did. Look, I am, I am,
the more I learn about myself
and my brain, the more I am coming to terms with of
Power exchange relationships.
It's gone on too long for me to call it a hyperfocus.
I think it's my special interest.
And yes, I mean that for those who understand
what I'm saying in the way
that you are taking it in the neurodivergent way,
because I, yeah.
The other thing though is I'm super lazy about stuff.
and I, I will go learn about a thing,
but I'm not the, I will investigate every single solitary
thing about a thing before I talk about it.
It's like, I'm gonna go learn what I need to learn
and then I'm gonna use my pattern recognition skills,
, and I'm gonna do my transference of skills,
like my very minimal basic understanding of psychology
and communication and, you know.
Yeah. And then we'll go from there. Um,
- So - Okay.
I'm gonna put the, the link in the podcast notes,
but for YouTube folks, I'll link
to it in the description box later.
rah rah has an episode on the Pink King podcast
called, uh, things that Make Us Angry.
Episode one 11, , they're apparently be rants ahead.
. Yeah. And the term
pleasure doll that's sitting there.
Right. Right. So I will link to that later.
Uh, after we finish this, I'm gonna go run errands with you.
Yes. I was supposed to get back to working on the Etsy shop,
but I I wanted to go run errands now lemme just,
Lemme just say they, people shouldn't go around
assuming they know shit about their long-term partners,
except that they definitely know shit about their
long-term partners .
So we're getting ready to record.
We did a lot of recording today, .
And, uh, I'm talking to JB and I'm like, oh,
'cause he is gotta go to Granger to pick up Del RINs.
We can make more canes. That's a lovely thing to go do.
And I said, uh, when are you going to
to go pick up the delrin order?
And you were like, oh, well after,
after we record, after we stream Mm-Hmm.
I'm like, okay. I was like,
and I said something like, um,
could I ask you a question ?
Which is already a question. I understand the irony.
JB goes, what do you want me
to bring you back a Diet Coke? I'm like,
- No.
- Offended, offended. No, that was not gonna be my question.
I can't believe you were just over there just thinking you
knew and making assumptions.
I just can't believe it. And he goes, fine.
What was your question? I go, I was gonna ask if
you would be willing to make side quests, not just go
to Grainger to pick up the delrin.
And if you were, could I go with you? And yes.
One of those side quests would be
to get a Diet Coke, but that was
- Not so, and I told her,
I said there was still a Diet Coke in there.
There was still .
- But I was not asking you to bring me one.
I was asking you to bring me to a place where I could get my
- Own.
If I, if I had said, I just want to go to Grainger
and come home and not do anything else,
you probably would've said, well,
can't you stop and get me a diet Coke?
- No, I would not have . No.
I would not have, I would've found a reason
to explain why I needed to go run my own errands
and I would've gone and gotten my cell phone .
Look, I don't wanna ask you
to bring me back something when you
weren't already planning on making that stop.
I want you to think of me so much
and go, what would make my baby girl happy?
Let me of my own volition stop and get the Diet Coke
and surprise her with it because surprises make her happy.
That's what I want from you.
I'll go get my own fucking diet Coke. Thanks. And I do.
Um, so apparently in that same episode, UA says, uh,
share my, uh, thoughts about soft dom versus hard.
Do I know we did that episode?
Um, did I, did did I yell
and rant about soft dom versus hard dom? I think I did.
- I I don't remember which child. Which child.
Oh, I, oh, okay. One of several,
- The youngest woke up.
- Okay, - Well youngest has kind of been going through
- It.
Yeah. So, yep.
- I'm letting him sleep late and not
- .
So yeah, we got some, some errands to run. Mm-Hmm.
,
- I ranted so hard.
I'm not even chili anymore.
My, I have too many clothes on . Wow.
And could really go with shorts and a T-shirt right now.
- . It's so warm.
- Yeah. Look, when it comes to terms that are new-ish
that the internet invented Mm-Hmm.
I try not to be the curmudgeon who's like, we didn't use
that term in my day.
- I know. - I just think I'm not meant, I'm not. It's,
- I mean, let's, I'm not meant for, for
- Let's - Be, let's let's be honest here.
You know, I I also thought, you know,
this could be something like, you know, the, the, uh,
the kids are, you know,
reinventing the language for themselves.
I mean, let's face it half the time talking to the
18-year-old, we need a dictionary of
- We don't what he's saying.
- Yeah. . But no, I think my problem is,
and this is this is a me thing.
Early days of a term, a new phrase, a new word
are imperfect days.
Like they're just, it's, you know, it's clumsy
and awkward and it's not quite the right definition.
And over time, as more and more people use it
and it picks up steam and it, you know Mm-Hmm.
, you know, it gets defined for people
and people share their personal definition.
And like in, I don't know, 20 years Alpha sub
will probably annoy me a little less hard.
Dom soft dom, I don't think I got ranty in that episode.
I think I could see where people would get that from.
Mm-Hmm. . But I think I was not a fan.
I can't remember. I can't remember A Silent says it
was episode 2 98.
We are on episode 3 85. Yeah. It's been a while.
Uh, Um,
and I, I promise y'all, I say what I need to say.
I mean it in the moment. And it's sort
of like when I read a book the moment I'm done, gone, gone,
couldn't tell you exactly what I said,
which is hard when people find old content
and they're commenting on things I said, then I'm like,
oh fuck, what did I say to actually respond to that?
I'd have to go back and listen
because I know how I feel about a thing today.
But what, how did I describe it three years ago? I dunno.
.
- Yeah. - Yeah. I get it.
- So, - Yeah.
Um, what else?
We're gonna go see, we saw the 18-year-old this past Sunday.
Yes. He needed to go get groceries. Mm-Hmm. .
And I was like, oh, you need me for something? Yes.
Let's go. Right.
Um, and then we'll see him this Sunday
'cause he is got a performance That's right.
Where they're playing a p He is y'all,
he's 18, he's a freshman.
They're playing a piece.
He composed that impressed his professor and,
- And he will be conducting.
- Right. I mean, there are seniors in this group
that he plays with that are like, damn, this is good.
Damn. This is, I'm like, ah.
- Right. - My baby with a talent. I love it. Mm-Hmm.
. Um, and he's so excited.
Um, so we'll do that this weekend.
It's just same old, same old around here. Yeah.
I mean, we're making paddles and selling paddles and Mm-Hmm.
doing shit. And,
- And right now we're going through another bout
of, uh, Florida winter.
- Right, right, right, right. Yeah.
Uh, get to wear my fuzzy socks every day. I like that.
Mm-Hmm. . So I think that's it. Yeah.
- That, that's about it. I mean, we've,
we've just been plugging along, you know, doing
what we do and Mm-Hmm.
- , - You know. Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. . Yep.
So I guess we can be done. Oh, I'm feeling weird.
Like a achy pains that are, I don't know if
- Probably 'cause you, uh, ex exerted yourself with so much.
Uh, probably passion there, you know,
- Tensed up my whole body.
and it's, the muscles are just starting
to Unc Unclench one at a time.
. Okay. . So I guess we're gonna go Yep.
And we will see y'all next week. Mm-Hmm.
, uh, thank y'all for being here.
Uhhuh . So the better end. Yeah.
And thank you for indulging when I need
to scream into the void.
That is the internet. .
I'm not really screaming into the
void. I'm screaming at y'all.
- Okay. Mm-Hmm, . - Okay.
- All right. - Bye.