- You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast.
Kill The Lord's here with the one, the only, the,
you're looking a little smug, and I don't know why.
I mean, I like it and it's kind of sexy,
but I don't know what's happening. John Brownstone,
- That's for me to know and you to find out. Mm.
- Kinky - . .
- That's how I like it around here.
Uh, and
after, uh, an emotional long episode from last week, uh,
apparently, or week
before, by the time y'all hear this,
apparently we're getting, that was enough.
That's what we need to do. Yep.
We're getting our groove back.
Mm-Hmm. . And now you're looking
all devious over there.
- . - All of you could see
that gleam in his eyes.
That's not what we're here for though.
Uh, this week we're answering a question from a, of
who wants to be told what to do in their power exchange,
but whose Dom can't or won't tell them what to do.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
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healthy power exchange relationships.
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Okay. Let's get right into the question.
I ask my dom, what do you need?
He goes, you have eyes and live here too.
Basically, stop asking
and just do the things I've learned from many YouTube videos
and talking with him that he
can't deal with the mental load.
How do I still get my needs met of being told what to do
and being submissive without adding to his mental load?
Can I just start with, I'm not impressed.
When you as a submissive ask your partner, who is the dom?
Hi. Guide me, lead me, control me. Mm-Hmm.
tell me what to do. And the response is,
will you have eyes?
Yeah. Just do what you see needs to be done.
- Yeah. Um, what ? - I don't like that.
- No. Me, me either. Yeah. To a certain extent.
You know, when you've been with somebody long enough,
I mean, you can kind of see certain things that I need right
after all this time, but it's not the
norm for how we True.
- And a response like that to me. And I'm projecting here.
I get that. Mm-Hmm. . But it sort of assumes
that the only thing a submissive is going
to do are domestic tasks that they can look around
and see what needs to be done.
When in fact, submission can also be not for everybody.
Mm-Hmm. , but can also be, Hey, I
as a dominant have needs
and things I want you to take care of
that you cannot obviously see this is not
about washing dishes.
Mm-Hmm. and doing laundry
and sweeping a floor.
This is about what I personally as a dominant need.
I'm going to tell you what that is
because you can't just guess what that might be.
- Right. You know, it's, um, just like been saying
for years, you know, dominance are not mind readers.
Right. And nor are submissives. Right.
- Exactly. - You know? Exactly. There, you know. Yes.
There, there is a certain point where you can be intuitive.
Mm-Hmm. . But to be a mind reader, no.
- Right. It sounds to me like
what this dominant partner would like is proactive service.
Mm-Hmm. and submission. They want their
partner to just sort of not have
to be told every single thing, every single moment
of the day or whatever that uh mm-Hmm.
quantity of, you know, asks and,
and whatever might be.
But you don't get proactive service just
because one of you went, I'm the dom
and the other one went, I'm the sub and ta dah.
Here we are. Mm-Hmm. , you actually have
to build a foundation in order to get proactive service.
You have to have the conversations about
what are your expectations as a dominant Sure.
What do you want done, need done? Where do you need help?
What is your submissive willing and able to do?
And that requires mental load at the front. Mm-Hmm.
that then can Yes.
Reduce some of the mental load as you go.
That does not mean that you never have
to tell your submissive what they need to be doing.
- Right. I, I mean, I, I read this and I,
and I've read this now several times.
It's just spinning
- In your mind and, - And, and it just spins in my mind.
And, you know, I'm gonna say something here
and it may not be the popular opinion.
This sounds like a very lazy dom to me. Alright.
When, when Dom says, you know, do whatever you see needs
to be done that that's like, you know,
don't bother me. Don't. Right.
- I just want you to be a, a maid, a caretaker
for our our house. Yeah. Our
- Life.
Do, do what you feel needs to be done,
but leave me out of it.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not impressed
- With that either.
- No, no I'm not.
- Yeah. So, okay.
Let's say this is a person who does have a lot going on
and doesn't feel like they can take on the mental load.
Mm-Hmm. . But, and maybe they're new
and they're learning, like let, let's give benefit
of the doubt that they're not a shitty person,
they're a person in need of education.
- Okay. We'll - Just, we'll try that route.
Um, what would you advise for Dom
or sub of how to navigate this to create the power exchange
that fits both of their needs?
If you think that's even possible.
- You know, I, I don't know.
Uh, it, it depends on a lot of things.
But, you know, here's, here's what I am going to say.
If this is indeed a person who has, um, carrying, you know,
at this moment, at, at any given moment in time,
a a heavy load.
Mm-Hmm. per se, you know,
something I learned years ago
and it has been invaluable to me throughout my life.
You delegate. Mm-Hmm. . Alright. Mm-Hmm.
. When, when you are overwhelmed, you ask
for help and you delegate.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, one way of helping
to reduce this mental load,
especially if you are a dominant, is to say, Hey baby girl,
I've got a lot going on in my life right now.
I could use some help
and these are the things you can do for me
to help lighten my load.
- Right? And then at that point,
I would say the submissive might ask clarifying questions.
Sure. Because ideally
what is happening in a power exchange is the dom asks
for help versus, Hey, do these things
and then you as a submissive want
to do them in the way the do wants them to be done.
Right? Mm-Hmm. like it's, uh, you know,
for the vast majority of y'all, it's about the power
and control of I want it done the way I want it done,
but also I want you to be the one to do it.
So you might have to ask clarifying questions of, okay,
um, do you want it done like this?
You know? Mm-Hmm. are there,
is there anything I need to keep in mind?
Your partner may say, no, if you could just get it done
for me, I trust you.
I'll not micromanage you just make it happen.
You do that to me all the time.
You're like, make it so, yeah.
And I'm just like, okay, I'll go get it done.
You know, use my best judgment,
but I'm doing what you want me to do what you've told me
to do, which from the
outside looking in might not look like
being told what to do.
'cause you've asked for help, right?
You've delegated the tasks.
It still requires some amount
of mental effort from the dominant though.
It, there has to be the willingness to take
five minutes Yeah.
In a day, in a week, whatever, to say,
here are the things I need, here's
what I need you to know about them.
I trust you to get it done.
Come ask me if you have questions.
I'm also gonna give side eye to any dom who's like,
I want you to do the thing,
but I will not answer your questions if you need help.
Yeah. Like, that's not helpful for any fucking buddy. No.
That's a manipulative power trip.
That's not big D dominant in my mind.
Um, but it still requires that effort.
Now it could be trying to give benefit of the doubt Okay.
And not be a total bitch about this. Right.
- 'cause I I had a thought too. Go ahead. Okay.
- It could be that this dominant assumes that dominance
is micromanaging, that they have to be on top
of everything you do all the time.
It could be that that's a type of submission that you want
and they're not able to handle that.
So a couple things may need to happen.
One, the dominant may need to understand that
that does not have to be dominance.
Two, you may have to decide, okay, if I,
if I want maybe my dom to micromanage me
and to tell me to do all of the things,
but that is not gonna happen currently.
Mm-Hmm. , what can I accept?
How, how low can I go in terms of constantly being
whatever constantly means to you, air quote
that being told what to do.
Okay. Can I handle being given a set
of tasks on a Monday to be done by Friday?
Mm-Hmm. in the morning to be done
by the evening, whatever, to get what I need without
that consistent back and forth of Yeah.
Here's what I want. What do you need?
Mm-Hmm. , here's what I want. What do you need?
- Yeah. Now here's, here's another side to the coin.
Maybe, you know, it could be
that this dominant is not a good communicator. Oh yeah.
- Okay. I mean, that's - A skill.
I mean, that is, that is a skill.
- You have to practice it. - And
unless you have been exercising certain muscles,
and I know this was kind of a problem
for me in the beginning as well,
because it was not something in any of my past relationships
that I ever really kind of had.
Mm-Hmm. where somebody
asks you, what do you need?
- Mm. And you just weren't used to
- It and, and you're, you're not used to that.
And you know, like, what do I need?
- Right. And then it feels like effort to think about,
wait, what, what do I need
right now? Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
- , you know, and one not knowing what you need
because unfamiliar territory Right.
And then being unable to communicate that.
- Right. Not having the skills yet to communicate. Right.
- Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . So, you
know, there could be a bit of
that in play Yes. With this as well.
- It, in my charitable view of this question, yes. Mm-Hmm.
, I will absolutely admit that.
Because while we want to from a submissive perspective,
think about and think of our doms as all knowing,
as being in total power
and control, you know, being very clear on what they want
and how they want you to do it.
And, and they're not quite mind reader status,
but close where they just, you know, it's where we do
that thing we're not supposed to do.
We put them on a pedestal. Right. . Yeah. Right.
We should not do it. It never works out well. Mm-Hmm.
. But it still happens. And the reality is, is
that doms have to learn the skills of being a dominant,
I don't care how inherent little d dominant
their personality is.
The skills of figuring out what you want,
communicating it in a way
that it is effective for both of you.
Mm-Hmm. , um, having enough trust, um,
and feeling safe enough to be vulnerable and open up.
Doms have to open up and be vulnerable on some level. Right.
Just like a submissive does. It looks different.
It's two sides of a slash but it's the same effect.
So if your dominant is not used to being able to just say,
these are the things I need
or these are the things I want you to do,
and have that reciprocated that mm-Hmm.
like you said, that's a muscle that
they're gonna have to
- Exercise to get now, now what might be comfortable be
what might be helpful to this person, um, you know,
especially if they're open to learning
and growing in and of themselves.
Look for munches. Mm-Hmm.
, you know, if, if don't attend munches
currently, you know, look into that.
Um, many areas have what they call dominant round tables.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, which is a meeting
of just dominance and,
and they kind of talk about their concerns
and things going on in, in their lives as as dominance.
And it is a good way to learn different perspectives and,
and, you know, grow.
- And just so you know, if your community has a dom round
table, they will always at some point have a
submissive version of that.
Correct. So the submissives can gather Mm-Hmm.
and have their conversations as well. Mm-Hmm.
And, uh, good communities will let switches pick
which room they wanna be in
- At any given moment.
Moment at any given moment. Right.
Um, now, now some areas I, I know like Orlando, uh,
the woodshed, they have a dominant
and submissive round table.
During covid they went virtual. Mm-Hmm.
with it. Mm-Hmm. . And since,
you know, that is mostly now over,
they do have them in person,
but they still do the virtual right.
Aspect. So, you know, that is another thing to look into.
Mm-Hmm. if they're willing to, you know, grow
and, and learn at that point.
- Right. And I think it comes down to what kind of
dominant your partner is and wants to be.
Mm-Hmm. and how much effort they're willing
to put in because Yeah.
If, like you said this is a lazy dom who thinks they get
to call themselves a dom
and you just look around and Mm-Hmm.
and do what you assume needs to be done
with no input from them
and they air quote, don't wanna take on the mental load
that's required, then that's not
to me a sustainable healthy power exchange relationship.
You, you might wanna rethink what's happening. Mm-Hmm.
if however they have bought into stereotypes
and tropes and cliches of what dominance is
and they think, think they find themselves overwhelmed by
that and think, wait, I can't do that.
I can't keep up with that, then what they need to do is
relearn what dominance means either through the community
or through resources like books and podcasts and videos.
Mm-Hmm. and however they like to learn
and realize that there are other ways to be a dominant that
don't require a massive mental load.
There's a lot more mental load in the
beginning while you're learning
each other. Sure. Absolutely.
- And you're - Negotiating your relationship,
but if your partner is comfortable with, um,
proactive anticipatory submission from you
where you see a thing, you know what their expectations are
and you just do the thing you can get there.
Mm-Hmm. , but you don't get there on day one.
You have to put in the work in the beginning
and as you go, some of that work is alleviated
where in the very beginning it might be every day you have
to talk about it over some amount of given amount of time.
Maybe you're only having to talk about it, you know,
once a week to check in with one another
or five minutes a day
and then, you know, your dorm just kinda
lets you go and do the thing.
That's a little bit of
how our power exchange currently works.
Mm-Hmm. because our lives are too busy for JB
to be figuratively up my ass all the time. . Yeah.
- You - Know, he also knows that I'm too busy for him
to constantly be throwing new tasks at me at her.
Yeah. So we set a baseline
of here are the tasks I expect you to get done in a day.
Mm-Hmm. , these are the things I want you
to do for me baby girl.
And I go, okay. And then I am left to get them done
by the time they need to be done.
And then as needed, JB will come to me
and go, Hey, here's a thing I need you to do.
And he is mindful of that, the fact that I'm very busy
and I can be overwhelmed and mm-Hmm.
, I might not be able to do it right at
that moment, but he knows that if he hands me the task
and gives me a deadline of when it needs to be done,
he can then stop thinking about it.
I'll take over and I've got it. Right.
If that appeals to both of you, you can get there,
but you do not get there on day one.
Mm-Hmm. it takes time. Um,
and if communication is the issue of figuring out how
to your dom's like struggling with how to tell you
what they want and need,
I highly recommend a book called Tongue Tied.
Yes. It's about, um, communication and sex kink
and relationships in general.
I think there's one, maybe two chapters
that focus on kink, but Mm-Hmm.
. That's fine. The entire book is worth it.
Yeah. You can get something from the entire book.
Uh, we'll link to it in the places it's called Tongue
Tied by Stella Harris.
Mm-Hmm. ebook physical book.
We own the physical book, and I think there's an audiobook
now, so Okay.
However, somebody likes to consume
- Content, they can do that.
Now one, one other quick suggestion here in this
and, um, you know, again, if they are not a good
communicator, um, I know with Kayla, she,
especially in the beginning, she had, you know, a lot
of trouble using her words.
Mm-Hmm. Sometimes she still does.
And you know, I used to ask her, okay, you, you can't
verbally ask me at this point, write it out.
Right. It would, it,
would he be better off writing some of this stuff out?
Right. That he, he thinks rather than asking him sometimes
for some people that's a better way for them
to communicate. Mm-Hmm.
- . Yeah. And sometimes the commu the
communication just needs to be asynchronous.
They go away and take time to think,
to write or type Mm-Hmm.
so they can edit themselves.
So they can really think through it.
They can go as slow as they need to. Right.
They don't feel like they have the pressure
of somebody looking at them, asking them a question
and then they give it to you
and then you go over it, read it, take
that information in without maybe them
even being in the room with you.
Mm-Hmm. . And that is a valid
way to communicate as well.
Um, I think over the long term it is better to not,
you don't have to get rid of that way of communicating,
but reduce that in favor of
more face-to-face conversation.
But that can take a while, right.
Both in terms of skill but also comfort level
and you know, just getting used to it.
Mm-Hmm. and feeling safe
and like you can trust your partner.
And the thing is, is the things we tell submissives about
trust and vulnerability and honesty and integrity
and comfort
and feeling like you can do these things
that all can apply to Doms.
It just looks a little bit different.
'cause you know, we have this thing of the Doms are supposed
to be in charge and know what they want.
Well that doesn't mean they're not gonna struggle with how
to communicate that and share that and embrace that.
Um, assuming that they want to be the dominant partner.
Correct. So in this case,
it's definitely about thinking about who your partner is
and how they handle your power exchange in general.
You know, if you've had these kinds of conversations
with them and all they tell you is, you know,
I shouldn't have to tell you anything, I don't think
that's a healthy power exchange that can last.
Yeah. However, if you haven't really had these in-depth
conversations or you can see that, oh, maybe
what they need is a different way to communicate
or they just need to know there's a different way,
well then, you know, pick one of these things we've said
and go down the path that feels right.
Lola agrees. Yes. As usual. .
So hopefully that helps. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, what we want is for everybody who wants to be together
to have happy, healthy power exchange relationships,
but also sometimes it's a bad fit.
Yeah. It's a bad fit. Hopefully this isn't a lazy dom.
Hopefully this is a, a dom who just needs a new perspective
and to realize there's new ways of doing things, uh,
and that you can have the power exchange that you want.
There you go. Lola agrees. Yep. Mm-Hmm.
, thanks for listening
to this week's q and a episode.
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