1 00:00:11,065 --> 00:00:12,885 - You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. 2 00:00:13,195 --> 00:00:15,405 Kill The Lord's here with the one, the only, the, 3 00:00:16,065 --> 00:00:18,965 you're looking a little smug, and I don't know why. 4 00:00:19,125 --> 00:00:20,685 I mean, I like it and it's kind of sexy, 5 00:00:20,825 --> 00:00:23,085 but I don't know what's happening. John Brownstone, 6 00:00:23,185 --> 00:00:25,245 - That's for me to know and you to find out. Mm. 7 00:00:25,605 --> 00:00:26,605 - Kinky - . . 8 00:00:28,425 --> 00:00:29,645 - That's how I like it around here. 9 00:00:30,505 --> 00:00:31,645 Uh, and 10 00:00:32,015 --> 00:00:36,605 after, uh, an emotional long episode from last week, uh, 11 00:00:36,845 --> 00:00:38,125 apparently, or week 12 00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:39,405 before, by the time y'all hear this, 13 00:00:39,805 --> 00:00:41,285 apparently we're getting, that was enough. 14 00:00:41,285 --> 00:00:42,165 That's what we need to do. Yep. 15 00:00:42,165 --> 00:00:43,285 We're getting our groove back. 16 00:00:43,285 --> 00:00:44,605 Mm-Hmm. . And now you're looking 17 00:00:44,625 --> 00:00:45,805 all devious over there. 18 00:00:46,605 --> 00:00:49,085 - . - All of you could see 19 00:00:49,085 --> 00:00:50,365 that gleam in his eyes. 20 00:00:50,865 --> 00:00:52,085 That's not what we're here for though. 21 00:00:52,305 --> 00:00:55,005 Uh, this week we're answering a question from a, of 22 00:00:55,005 --> 00:00:57,965 who wants to be told what to do in their power exchange, 23 00:00:58,505 --> 00:01:01,925 but whose Dom can't or won't tell them what to do. 24 00:01:02,635 --> 00:01:04,325 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. 25 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:06,845 If you're new here, we help kinks like you have happy, 26 00:01:06,845 --> 00:01:08,125 healthy power exchange relationships. 27 00:01:08,625 --> 00:01:10,325 Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app 28 00:01:10,325 --> 00:01:11,325 so you never miss an episode. 29 00:01:11,545 --> 00:01:14,645 And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future one 30 00:01:14,645 --> 00:01:17,445 of these, we have a contact page called Ask your Questions 31 00:01:17,465 --> 00:01:20,085 on our website@lovingbdsm.net 32 00:01:20,465 --> 00:01:22,845 or in the show notes for this episode. 33 00:01:23,515 --> 00:01:25,325 Okay. Let's get right into the question. 34 00:01:26,005 --> 00:01:27,725 I ask my dom, what do you need? 35 00:01:27,945 --> 00:01:30,005 He goes, you have eyes and live here too. 36 00:01:30,115 --> 00:01:31,445 Basically, stop asking 37 00:01:31,585 --> 00:01:34,925 and just do the things I've learned from many YouTube videos 38 00:01:35,025 --> 00:01:36,485 and talking with him that he 39 00:01:36,485 --> 00:01:37,765 can't deal with the mental load. 40 00:01:38,225 --> 00:01:40,845 How do I still get my needs met of being told what to do 41 00:01:40,945 --> 00:01:43,925 and being submissive without adding to his mental load? 42 00:01:45,305 --> 00:01:47,845 Can I just start with, I'm not impressed. 43 00:01:47,995 --> 00:01:52,085 When you as a submissive ask your partner, who is the dom? 44 00:01:52,305 --> 00:01:54,725 Hi. Guide me, lead me, control me. Mm-Hmm. 45 00:01:54,765 --> 00:01:56,805 tell me what to do. And the response is, 46 00:01:56,915 --> 00:01:58,285 will you have eyes? 47 00:01:58,555 --> 00:02:00,845 Yeah. Just do what you see needs to be done. 48 00:02:01,475 --> 00:02:04,965 - Yeah. Um, what ? - I don't like that. 49 00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:09,725 - No. Me, me either. Yeah. To a certain extent. 50 00:02:10,065 --> 00:02:12,205 You know, when you've been with somebody long enough, 51 00:02:12,965 --> 00:02:17,005 I mean, you can kind of see certain things that I need right 52 00:02:17,015 --> 00:02:20,685 after all this time, but it's not the 53 00:02:21,835 --> 00:02:24,085 norm for how we True. 54 00:02:24,505 --> 00:02:28,045 - And a response like that to me. And I'm projecting here. 55 00:02:28,285 --> 00:02:30,325 I get that. Mm-Hmm. . But it sort of assumes 56 00:02:30,325 --> 00:02:31,925 that the only thing a submissive is going 57 00:02:31,925 --> 00:02:34,845 to do are domestic tasks that they can look around 58 00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:36,165 and see what needs to be done. 59 00:02:36,675 --> 00:02:40,365 When in fact, submission can also be not for everybody. 60 00:02:40,365 --> 00:02:42,405 Mm-Hmm. , but can also be, Hey, I 61 00:02:42,405 --> 00:02:43,445 as a dominant have needs 62 00:02:43,445 --> 00:02:44,885 and things I want you to take care of 63 00:02:44,885 --> 00:02:47,605 that you cannot obviously see this is not 64 00:02:47,685 --> 00:02:48,725 about washing dishes. 65 00:02:49,305 --> 00:02:50,565 Mm-Hmm. and doing laundry 66 00:02:50,785 --> 00:02:51,925 and sweeping a floor. 67 00:02:52,315 --> 00:02:55,485 This is about what I personally as a dominant need. 68 00:02:55,585 --> 00:02:57,045 I'm going to tell you what that is 69 00:02:57,045 --> 00:02:59,565 because you can't just guess what that might be. 70 00:02:59,695 --> 00:03:03,445 - Right. You know, it's, um, just like been saying 71 00:03:03,545 --> 00:03:06,765 for years, you know, dominance are not mind readers. 72 00:03:06,775 --> 00:03:11,525 Right. And nor are submissives. Right. 73 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:14,085 - Exactly. - You know? Exactly. There, you know. Yes. 74 00:03:14,085 --> 00:03:18,845 There, there is a certain point where you can be intuitive. 75 00:03:18,985 --> 00:03:21,445 Mm-Hmm. . But to be a mind reader, no. 76 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,405 - Right. It sounds to me like 77 00:03:23,405 --> 00:03:26,925 what this dominant partner would like is proactive service. 78 00:03:26,985 --> 00:03:29,205 Mm-Hmm. and submission. They want their 79 00:03:29,205 --> 00:03:31,845 partner to just sort of not have 80 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:34,925 to be told every single thing, every single moment 81 00:03:35,225 --> 00:03:38,445 of the day or whatever that uh mm-Hmm. 82 00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:40,765 quantity of, you know, asks and, 83 00:03:40,865 --> 00:03:42,045 and whatever might be. 84 00:03:42,705 --> 00:03:45,645 But you don't get proactive service just 85 00:03:45,645 --> 00:03:47,325 because one of you went, I'm the dom 86 00:03:47,325 --> 00:03:49,165 and the other one went, I'm the sub and ta dah. 87 00:03:49,165 --> 00:03:50,725 Here we are. Mm-Hmm. , you actually have 88 00:03:50,725 --> 00:03:54,045 to build a foundation in order to get proactive service. 89 00:03:54,265 --> 00:03:56,605 You have to have the conversations about 90 00:03:57,155 --> 00:03:59,965 what are your expectations as a dominant Sure. 91 00:03:59,965 --> 00:04:02,805 What do you want done, need done? Where do you need help? 92 00:04:02,995 --> 00:04:05,405 What is your submissive willing and able to do? 93 00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:09,485 And that requires mental load at the front. Mm-Hmm. 94 00:04:09,525 --> 00:04:10,965 that then can Yes. 95 00:04:11,145 --> 00:04:15,245 Reduce some of the mental load as you go. 96 00:04:15,355 --> 00:04:17,485 That does not mean that you never have 97 00:04:17,485 --> 00:04:19,645 to tell your submissive what they need to be doing. 98 00:04:19,695 --> 00:04:22,845 - Right. I, I mean, I, I read this and I, 99 00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:25,645 and I've read this now several times. 100 00:04:26,195 --> 00:04:27,245 It's just spinning 101 00:04:27,245 --> 00:04:29,525 - In your mind and, - And, and it just spins in my mind. 102 00:04:30,625 --> 00:04:32,885 And, you know, I'm gonna say something here 103 00:04:32,945 --> 00:04:34,725 and it may not be the popular opinion. 104 00:04:35,195 --> 00:04:37,885 This sounds like a very lazy dom to me. Alright. 105 00:04:38,115 --> 00:04:41,125 When, when Dom says, you know, do whatever you see needs 106 00:04:41,125 --> 00:04:43,085 to be done that that's like, you know, 107 00:04:43,215 --> 00:04:44,765 don't bother me. Don't. Right. 108 00:04:44,845 --> 00:04:46,805 - I just want you to be a, a maid, a caretaker 109 00:04:46,825 --> 00:04:49,165 for our our house. Yeah. Our 110 00:04:49,165 --> 00:04:50,165 - Life. 111 00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:51,045 Do, do what you feel needs to be done, 112 00:04:51,105 --> 00:04:52,125 but leave me out of it. 113 00:04:52,315 --> 00:04:54,325 Yeah. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not impressed 114 00:04:54,325 --> 00:04:55,325 - With that either. 115 00:04:55,325 --> 00:04:56,325 - No, no I'm not. 116 00:04:57,435 --> 00:04:58,445 - Yeah. So, okay. 117 00:04:58,655 --> 00:05:02,965 Let's say this is a person who does have a lot going on 118 00:05:03,025 --> 00:05:04,885 and doesn't feel like they can take on the mental load. 119 00:05:04,885 --> 00:05:07,565 Mm-Hmm. . But, and maybe they're new 120 00:05:07,585 --> 00:05:10,045 and they're learning, like let, let's give benefit 121 00:05:10,105 --> 00:05:12,045 of the doubt that they're not a shitty person, 122 00:05:12,235 --> 00:05:14,125 they're a person in need of education. 123 00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:16,165 - Okay. We'll - Just, we'll try that route. 124 00:05:16,825 --> 00:05:20,845 Um, what would you advise for Dom 125 00:05:20,845 --> 00:05:23,925 or sub of how to navigate this to create the power exchange 126 00:05:23,925 --> 00:05:25,445 that fits both of their needs? 127 00:05:25,905 --> 00:05:27,605 If you think that's even possible. 128 00:05:28,265 --> 00:05:29,485 - You know, I, I don't know. 129 00:05:29,785 --> 00:05:31,765 Uh, it, it depends on a lot of things. 130 00:05:32,865 --> 00:05:36,005 But, you know, here's, here's what I am going to say. 131 00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:42,125 If this is indeed a person who has, um, carrying, you know, 132 00:05:42,125 --> 00:05:44,405 at this moment, at, at any given moment in time, 133 00:05:44,725 --> 00:05:46,245 a a heavy load. 134 00:05:46,265 --> 00:05:47,965 Mm-Hmm. per se, you know, 135 00:05:47,965 --> 00:05:50,045 something I learned years ago 136 00:05:50,505 --> 00:05:53,285 and it has been invaluable to me throughout my life. 137 00:05:53,785 --> 00:05:56,445 You delegate. Mm-Hmm. . Alright. Mm-Hmm. 138 00:05:56,485 --> 00:05:59,045 . When, when you are overwhelmed, you ask 139 00:05:59,065 --> 00:06:00,845 for help and you delegate. 140 00:06:00,845 --> 00:06:04,405 Mm-Hmm. , you know, one way of helping 141 00:06:04,785 --> 00:06:07,005 to reduce this mental load, 142 00:06:07,775 --> 00:06:12,045 especially if you are a dominant, is to say, Hey baby girl, 143 00:06:12,275 --> 00:06:14,645 I've got a lot going on in my life right now. 144 00:06:15,725 --> 00:06:16,725 I could use some help 145 00:06:16,985 --> 00:06:18,885 and these are the things you can do for me 146 00:06:18,885 --> 00:06:20,045 to help lighten my load. 147 00:06:20,375 --> 00:06:22,045 - Right? And then at that point, 148 00:06:22,205 --> 00:06:25,245 I would say the submissive might ask clarifying questions. 149 00:06:25,315 --> 00:06:26,805 Sure. Because ideally 150 00:06:26,875 --> 00:06:30,165 what is happening in a power exchange is the dom asks 151 00:06:30,165 --> 00:06:32,125 for help versus, Hey, do these things 152 00:06:32,345 --> 00:06:34,005 and then you as a submissive want 153 00:06:34,165 --> 00:06:36,605 to do them in the way the do wants them to be done. 154 00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:38,885 Right? Mm-Hmm. like it's, uh, you know, 155 00:06:38,905 --> 00:06:41,405 for the vast majority of y'all, it's about the power 156 00:06:41,425 --> 00:06:44,085 and control of I want it done the way I want it done, 157 00:06:44,465 --> 00:06:46,525 but also I want you to be the one to do it. 158 00:06:46,585 --> 00:06:48,725 So you might have to ask clarifying questions of, okay, 159 00:06:49,305 --> 00:06:50,525 um, do you want it done like this? 160 00:06:50,825 --> 00:06:52,005 You know? Mm-Hmm. are there, 161 00:06:52,025 --> 00:06:53,485 is there anything I need to keep in mind? 162 00:06:54,035 --> 00:06:56,645 Your partner may say, no, if you could just get it done 163 00:06:56,645 --> 00:06:57,685 for me, I trust you. 164 00:06:57,715 --> 00:07:00,085 I'll not micromanage you just make it happen. 165 00:07:00,385 --> 00:07:01,405 You do that to me all the time. 166 00:07:01,405 --> 00:07:02,925 You're like, make it so, yeah. 167 00:07:02,945 --> 00:07:04,525 And I'm just like, okay, I'll go get it done. 168 00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,005 You know, use my best judgment, 169 00:07:06,465 --> 00:07:09,925 but I'm doing what you want me to do what you've told me 170 00:07:09,925 --> 00:07:12,285 to do, which from the 171 00:07:12,285 --> 00:07:14,605 outside looking in might not look like 172 00:07:14,655 --> 00:07:15,805 being told what to do. 173 00:07:15,965 --> 00:07:17,045 'cause you've asked for help, right? 174 00:07:17,045 --> 00:07:18,125 You've delegated the tasks. 175 00:07:18,825 --> 00:07:22,005 It still requires some amount 176 00:07:22,105 --> 00:07:24,525 of mental effort from the dominant though. 177 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:27,645 It, there has to be the willingness to take 178 00:07:28,155 --> 00:07:29,205 five minutes Yeah. 179 00:07:29,225 --> 00:07:32,605 In a day, in a week, whatever, to say, 180 00:07:32,605 --> 00:07:34,525 here are the things I need, here's 181 00:07:34,525 --> 00:07:35,685 what I need you to know about them. 182 00:07:36,245 --> 00:07:37,325 I trust you to get it done. 183 00:07:37,635 --> 00:07:39,085 Come ask me if you have questions. 184 00:07:39,265 --> 00:07:41,485 I'm also gonna give side eye to any dom who's like, 185 00:07:41,685 --> 00:07:42,765 I want you to do the thing, 186 00:07:42,825 --> 00:07:45,005 but I will not answer your questions if you need help. 187 00:07:45,005 --> 00:07:47,485 Yeah. Like, that's not helpful for any fucking buddy. No. 188 00:07:47,485 --> 00:07:49,645 That's a manipulative power trip. 189 00:07:49,705 --> 00:07:52,605 That's not big D dominant in my mind. 190 00:07:53,105 --> 00:07:55,165 Um, but it still requires that effort. 191 00:07:55,185 --> 00:07:58,405 Now it could be trying to give benefit of the doubt Okay. 192 00:07:58,425 --> 00:07:59,885 And not be a total bitch about this. Right. 193 00:08:00,085 --> 00:08:01,565 - 'cause I I had a thought too. Go ahead. Okay. 194 00:08:01,585 --> 00:08:05,165 - It could be that this dominant assumes that dominance 195 00:08:05,905 --> 00:08:08,645 is micromanaging, that they have to be on top 196 00:08:08,645 --> 00:08:10,525 of everything you do all the time. 197 00:08:10,785 --> 00:08:14,365 It could be that that's a type of submission that you want 198 00:08:14,365 --> 00:08:16,165 and they're not able to handle that. 199 00:08:16,385 --> 00:08:18,645 So a couple things may need to happen. 200 00:08:18,945 --> 00:08:20,645 One, the dominant may need to understand that 201 00:08:20,645 --> 00:08:21,925 that does not have to be dominance. 202 00:08:22,225 --> 00:08:26,235 Two, you may have to decide, okay, if I, 203 00:08:26,495 --> 00:08:30,155 if I want maybe my dom to micromanage me 204 00:08:30,155 --> 00:08:31,915 and to tell me to do all of the things, 205 00:08:32,215 --> 00:08:34,755 but that is not gonna happen currently. 206 00:08:34,775 --> 00:08:36,355 Mm-Hmm. , what can I accept? 207 00:08:36,495 --> 00:08:40,635 How, how low can I go in terms of constantly being 208 00:08:41,435 --> 00:08:42,755 whatever constantly means to you, air quote 209 00:08:42,755 --> 00:08:44,395 that being told what to do. 210 00:08:44,545 --> 00:08:47,235 Okay. Can I handle being given a set 211 00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:49,675 of tasks on a Monday to be done by Friday? 212 00:08:49,675 --> 00:08:51,435 Mm-Hmm. in the morning to be done 213 00:08:51,435 --> 00:08:55,605 by the evening, whatever, to get what I need without 214 00:08:56,235 --> 00:08:59,045 that consistent back and forth of Yeah. 215 00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:00,565 Here's what I want. What do you need? 216 00:09:00,565 --> 00:09:01,725 Mm-Hmm. , here's what I want. What do you need? 217 00:09:02,195 --> 00:09:05,685 - Yeah. Now here's, here's another side to the coin. 218 00:09:05,735 --> 00:09:08,045 Maybe, you know, it could be 219 00:09:09,195 --> 00:09:12,445 that this dominant is not a good communicator. Oh yeah. 220 00:09:12,595 --> 00:09:13,685 - Okay. I mean, that's - A skill. 221 00:09:14,005 --> 00:09:15,245 I mean, that is, that is a skill. 222 00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:16,925 - You have to practice it. - And 223 00:09:17,385 --> 00:09:20,965 unless you have been exercising certain muscles, 224 00:09:21,465 --> 00:09:23,125 and I know this was kind of a problem 225 00:09:23,465 --> 00:09:25,085 for me in the beginning as well, 226 00:09:25,085 --> 00:09:29,245 because it was not something in any of my past relationships 227 00:09:29,675 --> 00:09:33,365 that I ever really kind of had. 228 00:09:33,385 --> 00:09:35,165 Mm-Hmm. where somebody 229 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:36,565 asks you, what do you need? 230 00:09:37,105 --> 00:09:38,445 - Mm. And you just weren't used to 231 00:09:38,465 --> 00:09:40,285 - It and, and you're, you're not used to that. 232 00:09:40,905 --> 00:09:42,925 And you know, like, what do I need? 233 00:09:43,135 --> 00:09:45,165 - Right. And then it feels like effort to think about, 234 00:09:45,475 --> 00:09:46,405 wait, what, what do I need 235 00:09:46,405 --> 00:09:47,365 right now? Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. 236 00:09:47,405 --> 00:09:51,805 - , you know, and one not knowing what you need 237 00:09:51,805 --> 00:09:54,285 because unfamiliar territory Right. 238 00:09:54,425 --> 00:09:57,125 And then being unable to communicate that. 239 00:09:57,215 --> 00:09:59,325 - Right. Not having the skills yet to communicate. Right. 240 00:09:59,325 --> 00:10:00,405 - Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . So, you 241 00:10:00,405 --> 00:10:01,685 know, there could be a bit of 242 00:10:01,685 --> 00:10:03,365 that in play Yes. With this as well. 243 00:10:03,625 --> 00:10:05,925 - It, in my charitable view of this question, yes. Mm-Hmm. 244 00:10:06,005 --> 00:10:07,245 , I will absolutely admit that. 245 00:10:07,475 --> 00:10:11,085 Because while we want to from a submissive perspective, 246 00:10:11,215 --> 00:10:14,005 think about and think of our doms as all knowing, 247 00:10:14,145 --> 00:10:15,485 as being in total power 248 00:10:15,485 --> 00:10:19,285 and control, you know, being very clear on what they want 249 00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:20,405 and how they want you to do it. 250 00:10:20,505 --> 00:10:24,725 And, and they're not quite mind reader status, 251 00:10:24,905 --> 00:10:27,765 but close where they just, you know, it's where we do 252 00:10:27,925 --> 00:10:28,925 that thing we're not supposed to do. 253 00:10:28,925 --> 00:10:31,285 We put them on a pedestal. Right. . Yeah. Right. 254 00:10:31,825 --> 00:10:33,445 We should not do it. It never works out well. Mm-Hmm. 255 00:10:33,485 --> 00:10:36,085 . But it still happens. And the reality is, is 256 00:10:36,085 --> 00:10:38,805 that doms have to learn the skills of being a dominant, 257 00:10:39,445 --> 00:10:41,685 I don't care how inherent little d dominant 258 00:10:41,685 --> 00:10:42,805 their personality is. 259 00:10:43,305 --> 00:10:46,285 The skills of figuring out what you want, 260 00:10:47,045 --> 00:10:48,325 communicating it in a way 261 00:10:48,325 --> 00:10:50,205 that it is effective for both of you. 262 00:10:50,205 --> 00:10:54,645 Mm-Hmm. , um, having enough trust, um, 263 00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:57,685 and feeling safe enough to be vulnerable and open up. 264 00:10:57,795 --> 00:11:00,165 Doms have to open up and be vulnerable on some level. Right. 265 00:11:00,435 --> 00:11:02,365 Just like a submissive does. It looks different. 266 00:11:02,515 --> 00:11:06,125 It's two sides of a slash but it's the same effect. 267 00:11:06,225 --> 00:11:10,765 So if your dominant is not used to being able to just say, 268 00:11:11,135 --> 00:11:12,445 these are the things I need 269 00:11:12,465 --> 00:11:14,125 or these are the things I want you to do, 270 00:11:14,505 --> 00:11:17,565 and have that reciprocated that mm-Hmm. 271 00:11:17,605 --> 00:11:18,525 like you said, that's a muscle that 272 00:11:18,525 --> 00:11:19,205 they're gonna have to 273 00:11:19,725 --> 00:11:22,005 - Exercise to get now, now what might be comfortable be 274 00:11:22,005 --> 00:11:26,005 what might be helpful to this person, um, you know, 275 00:11:26,295 --> 00:11:29,245 especially if they're open to learning 276 00:11:29,305 --> 00:11:31,445 and growing in and of themselves. 277 00:11:31,955 --> 00:11:33,445 Look for munches. Mm-Hmm. 278 00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:36,165 , you know, if, if don't attend munches 279 00:11:36,165 --> 00:11:37,525 currently, you know, look into that. 280 00:11:38,105 --> 00:11:42,285 Um, many areas have what they call dominant round tables. 281 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,085 Mm-Hmm. , you know, which is a meeting 282 00:11:44,085 --> 00:11:45,405 of just dominance and, 283 00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:49,405 and they kind of talk about their concerns 284 00:11:49,425 --> 00:11:52,645 and things going on in, in their lives as as dominance. 285 00:11:53,025 --> 00:11:56,805 And it is a good way to learn different perspectives and, 286 00:11:57,505 --> 00:11:59,485 and, you know, grow. 287 00:12:00,185 --> 00:12:02,685 - And just so you know, if your community has a dom round 288 00:12:02,685 --> 00:12:05,005 table, they will always at some point have a 289 00:12:05,005 --> 00:12:06,325 submissive version of that. 290 00:12:06,325 --> 00:12:08,085 Correct. So the submissives can gather Mm-Hmm. 291 00:12:08,125 --> 00:12:09,565 and have their conversations as well. Mm-Hmm. 292 00:12:09,665 --> 00:12:13,645 And, uh, good communities will let switches pick 293 00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:14,685 which room they wanna be in 294 00:12:14,905 --> 00:12:15,905 - At any given moment. 295 00:12:15,905 --> 00:12:16,525 Moment at any given moment. Right. 296 00:12:16,705 --> 00:12:20,765 Um, now, now some areas I, I know like Orlando, uh, 297 00:12:21,425 --> 00:12:23,525 the woodshed, they have a dominant 298 00:12:23,825 --> 00:12:25,405 and submissive round table. 299 00:12:25,785 --> 00:12:28,565 During covid they went virtual. Mm-Hmm. 300 00:12:28,605 --> 00:12:30,445 with it. Mm-Hmm. . And since, 301 00:12:30,945 --> 00:12:33,525 you know, that is mostly now over, 302 00:12:34,155 --> 00:12:35,645 they do have them in person, 303 00:12:35,825 --> 00:12:38,325 but they still do the virtual right. 304 00:12:38,545 --> 00:12:41,885 Aspect. So, you know, that is another thing to look into. 305 00:12:41,885 --> 00:12:45,405 Mm-Hmm. if they're willing to, you know, grow 306 00:12:45,425 --> 00:12:46,725 and, and learn at that point. 307 00:12:46,855 --> 00:12:50,085 - Right. And I think it comes down to what kind of 308 00:12:50,685 --> 00:12:53,645 dominant your partner is and wants to be. 309 00:12:53,705 --> 00:12:56,245 Mm-Hmm. and how much effort they're willing 310 00:12:56,345 --> 00:12:57,725 to put in because Yeah. 311 00:12:57,725 --> 00:13:01,205 If, like you said this is a lazy dom who thinks they get 312 00:13:01,205 --> 00:13:02,325 to call themselves a dom 313 00:13:02,325 --> 00:13:04,565 and you just look around and Mm-Hmm. 314 00:13:04,605 --> 00:13:07,245 and do what you assume needs to be done 315 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:08,285 with no input from them 316 00:13:08,345 --> 00:13:11,445 and they air quote, don't wanna take on the mental load 317 00:13:11,445 --> 00:13:14,205 that's required, then that's not 318 00:13:14,205 --> 00:13:16,805 to me a sustainable healthy power exchange relationship. 319 00:13:16,865 --> 00:13:18,845 You, you might wanna rethink what's happening. Mm-Hmm. 320 00:13:18,885 --> 00:13:23,645 if however they have bought into stereotypes 321 00:13:23,645 --> 00:13:27,005 and tropes and cliches of what dominance is 322 00:13:27,105 --> 00:13:30,045 and they think, think they find themselves overwhelmed by 323 00:13:30,045 --> 00:13:31,845 that and think, wait, I can't do that. 324 00:13:31,965 --> 00:13:34,525 I can't keep up with that, then what they need to do is 325 00:13:35,165 --> 00:13:37,925 relearn what dominance means either through the community 326 00:13:37,925 --> 00:13:40,885 or through resources like books and podcasts and videos. 327 00:13:40,885 --> 00:13:42,605 Mm-Hmm. and however they like to learn 328 00:13:43,425 --> 00:13:47,605 and realize that there are other ways to be a dominant that 329 00:13:48,215 --> 00:13:50,845 don't require a massive mental load. 330 00:13:50,845 --> 00:13:52,165 There's a lot more mental load in the 331 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,045 beginning while you're learning 332 00:13:53,045 --> 00:13:53,845 each other. Sure. Absolutely. 333 00:13:53,865 --> 00:13:55,285 - And you're - Negotiating your relationship, 334 00:13:55,785 --> 00:14:00,525 but if your partner is comfortable with, um, 335 00:14:00,875 --> 00:14:04,365 proactive anticipatory submission from you 336 00:14:04,365 --> 00:14:07,325 where you see a thing, you know what their expectations are 337 00:14:07,865 --> 00:14:10,205 and you just do the thing you can get there. 338 00:14:10,205 --> 00:14:11,765 Mm-Hmm. , but you don't get there on day one. 339 00:14:12,145 --> 00:14:14,245 You have to put in the work in the beginning 340 00:14:14,425 --> 00:14:17,325 and as you go, some of that work is alleviated 341 00:14:17,325 --> 00:14:21,245 where in the very beginning it might be every day you have 342 00:14:21,405 --> 00:14:24,485 to talk about it over some amount of given amount of time. 343 00:14:24,535 --> 00:14:27,245 Maybe you're only having to talk about it, you know, 344 00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:29,965 once a week to check in with one another 345 00:14:30,065 --> 00:14:31,325 or five minutes a day 346 00:14:31,665 --> 00:14:33,285 and then, you know, your dorm just kinda 347 00:14:33,355 --> 00:14:34,485 lets you go and do the thing. 348 00:14:34,705 --> 00:14:35,725 That's a little bit of 349 00:14:35,785 --> 00:14:37,685 how our power exchange currently works. 350 00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:41,085 Mm-Hmm. because our lives are too busy for JB 351 00:14:41,085 --> 00:14:44,925 to be figuratively up my ass all the time. . Yeah. 352 00:14:45,025 --> 00:14:48,205 - You - Know, he also knows that I'm too busy for him 353 00:14:48,225 --> 00:14:50,885 to constantly be throwing new tasks at me at her. 354 00:14:50,885 --> 00:14:53,005 Yeah. So we set a baseline 355 00:14:53,005 --> 00:14:55,285 of here are the tasks I expect you to get done in a day. 356 00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:56,565 Mm-Hmm. , these are the things I want you 357 00:14:56,565 --> 00:14:57,685 to do for me baby girl. 358 00:14:57,685 --> 00:15:00,605 And I go, okay. And then I am left to get them done 359 00:15:00,825 --> 00:15:02,205 by the time they need to be done. 360 00:15:02,385 --> 00:15:05,605 And then as needed, JB will come to me 361 00:15:05,605 --> 00:15:07,405 and go, Hey, here's a thing I need you to do. 362 00:15:07,745 --> 00:15:11,165 And he is mindful of that, the fact that I'm very busy 363 00:15:11,225 --> 00:15:12,725 and I can be overwhelmed and mm-Hmm. 364 00:15:12,765 --> 00:15:14,245 , I might not be able to do it right at 365 00:15:14,245 --> 00:15:17,485 that moment, but he knows that if he hands me the task 366 00:15:17,705 --> 00:15:19,925 and gives me a deadline of when it needs to be done, 367 00:15:20,385 --> 00:15:22,085 he can then stop thinking about it. 368 00:15:22,275 --> 00:15:24,085 I'll take over and I've got it. Right. 369 00:15:24,425 --> 00:15:28,205 If that appeals to both of you, you can get there, 370 00:15:28,265 --> 00:15:29,765 but you do not get there on day one. 371 00:15:29,765 --> 00:15:31,405 Mm-Hmm. it takes time. Um, 372 00:15:31,705 --> 00:15:35,365 and if communication is the issue of figuring out how 373 00:15:35,365 --> 00:15:37,845 to your dom's like struggling with how to tell you 374 00:15:38,195 --> 00:15:39,525 what they want and need, 375 00:15:40,125 --> 00:15:42,525 I highly recommend a book called Tongue Tied. 376 00:15:42,905 --> 00:15:46,045 Yes. It's about, um, communication and sex kink 377 00:15:46,045 --> 00:15:47,325 and relationships in general. 378 00:15:47,965 --> 00:15:49,845 I think there's one, maybe two chapters 379 00:15:49,845 --> 00:15:51,845 that focus on kink, but Mm-Hmm. 380 00:15:51,885 --> 00:15:54,445 . That's fine. The entire book is worth it. 381 00:15:54,445 --> 00:15:56,045 Yeah. You can get something from the entire book. 382 00:15:56,225 --> 00:15:58,565 Uh, we'll link to it in the places it's called Tongue 383 00:15:58,565 --> 00:15:59,605 Tied by Stella Harris. 384 00:16:00,105 --> 00:16:01,685 Mm-Hmm. ebook physical book. 385 00:16:01,685 --> 00:16:04,325 We own the physical book, and I think there's an audiobook 386 00:16:04,345 --> 00:16:05,445 now, so Okay. 387 00:16:05,445 --> 00:16:07,085 However, somebody likes to consume 388 00:16:07,085 --> 00:16:08,165 - Content, they can do that. 389 00:16:08,165 --> 00:16:10,645 Now one, one other quick suggestion here in this 390 00:16:10,945 --> 00:16:14,805 and, um, you know, again, if they are not a good 391 00:16:15,485 --> 00:16:18,645 communicator, um, I know with Kayla, she, 392 00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:21,165 especially in the beginning, she had, you know, a lot 393 00:16:21,165 --> 00:16:22,565 of trouble using her words. 394 00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:24,365 Mm-Hmm. Sometimes she still does. 395 00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:28,565 And you know, I used to ask her, okay, you, you can't 396 00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:31,925 verbally ask me at this point, write it out. 397 00:16:31,935 --> 00:16:33,245 Right. It would, it, 398 00:16:33,245 --> 00:16:36,365 would he be better off writing some of this stuff out? 399 00:16:36,365 --> 00:16:39,645 Right. That he, he thinks rather than asking him sometimes 400 00:16:39,705 --> 00:16:41,965 for some people that's a better way for them 401 00:16:41,965 --> 00:16:43,045 to communicate. Mm-Hmm. 402 00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:44,965 - . Yeah. And sometimes the commu the 403 00:16:45,165 --> 00:16:46,805 communication just needs to be asynchronous. 404 00:16:47,155 --> 00:16:49,405 They go away and take time to think, 405 00:16:49,945 --> 00:16:51,165 to write or type Mm-Hmm. 406 00:16:51,205 --> 00:16:52,205 so they can edit themselves. 407 00:16:52,265 --> 00:16:53,405 So they can really think through it. 408 00:16:53,405 --> 00:16:55,045 They can go as slow as they need to. Right. 409 00:16:55,045 --> 00:16:56,405 They don't feel like they have the pressure 410 00:16:56,405 --> 00:16:58,085 of somebody looking at them, asking them a question 411 00:16:58,305 --> 00:16:59,365 and then they give it to you 412 00:16:59,465 --> 00:17:02,565 and then you go over it, read it, take 413 00:17:02,565 --> 00:17:05,925 that information in without maybe them 414 00:17:05,995 --> 00:17:07,085 even being in the room with you. 415 00:17:07,085 --> 00:17:09,565 Mm-Hmm. . And that is a valid 416 00:17:09,585 --> 00:17:10,725 way to communicate as well. 417 00:17:11,065 --> 00:17:14,725 Um, I think over the long term it is better to not, 418 00:17:14,725 --> 00:17:16,325 you don't have to get rid of that way of communicating, 419 00:17:16,325 --> 00:17:18,725 but reduce that in favor of 420 00:17:19,315 --> 00:17:21,325 more face-to-face conversation. 421 00:17:21,345 --> 00:17:22,725 But that can take a while, right. 422 00:17:23,235 --> 00:17:25,805 Both in terms of skill but also comfort level 423 00:17:25,985 --> 00:17:28,405 and you know, just getting used to it. 424 00:17:28,405 --> 00:17:29,485 Mm-Hmm. and feeling safe 425 00:17:29,625 --> 00:17:31,485 and like you can trust your partner. 426 00:17:31,665 --> 00:17:33,845 And the thing is, is the things we tell submissives about 427 00:17:33,855 --> 00:17:36,685 trust and vulnerability and honesty and integrity 428 00:17:37,345 --> 00:17:38,445 and comfort 429 00:17:38,665 --> 00:17:41,245 and feeling like you can do these things 430 00:17:41,835 --> 00:17:43,445 that all can apply to Doms. 431 00:17:43,465 --> 00:17:44,725 It just looks a little bit different. 432 00:17:44,965 --> 00:17:47,005 'cause you know, we have this thing of the Doms are supposed 433 00:17:47,005 --> 00:17:48,085 to be in charge and know what they want. 434 00:17:48,085 --> 00:17:50,965 Well that doesn't mean they're not gonna struggle with how 435 00:17:50,985 --> 00:17:54,845 to communicate that and share that and embrace that. 436 00:17:55,465 --> 00:18:00,285 Um, assuming that they want to be the dominant partner. 437 00:18:00,285 --> 00:18:02,405 Correct. So in this case, 438 00:18:02,435 --> 00:18:04,765 it's definitely about thinking about who your partner is 439 00:18:04,765 --> 00:18:07,485 and how they handle your power exchange in general. 440 00:18:07,865 --> 00:18:10,805 You know, if you've had these kinds of conversations 441 00:18:10,805 --> 00:18:13,565 with them and all they tell you is, you know, 442 00:18:13,605 --> 00:18:15,485 I shouldn't have to tell you anything, I don't think 443 00:18:15,485 --> 00:18:17,165 that's a healthy power exchange that can last. 444 00:18:17,165 --> 00:18:21,325 Yeah. However, if you haven't really had these in-depth 445 00:18:21,325 --> 00:18:25,085 conversations or you can see that, oh, maybe 446 00:18:25,085 --> 00:18:27,125 what they need is a different way to communicate 447 00:18:27,125 --> 00:18:29,085 or they just need to know there's a different way, 448 00:18:29,155 --> 00:18:32,325 well then, you know, pick one of these things we've said 449 00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:34,605 and go down the path that feels right. 450 00:18:35,235 --> 00:18:38,125 Lola agrees. Yes. As usual. . 451 00:18:39,185 --> 00:18:42,725 So hopefully that helps. Mm-Hmm. . 452 00:18:42,825 --> 00:18:45,405 Um, what we want is for everybody who wants to be together 453 00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,725 to have happy, healthy power exchange relationships, 454 00:18:47,785 --> 00:18:49,845 but also sometimes it's a bad fit. 455 00:18:49,875 --> 00:18:53,485 Yeah. It's a bad fit. Hopefully this isn't a lazy dom. 456 00:18:53,485 --> 00:18:56,285 Hopefully this is a, a dom who just needs a new perspective 457 00:18:56,425 --> 00:18:59,045 and to realize there's new ways of doing things, uh, 458 00:18:59,105 --> 00:19:01,085 and that you can have the power exchange that you want. 459 00:19:01,335 --> 00:19:04,005 There you go. Lola agrees. Yep. Mm-Hmm. 460 00:19:04,045 --> 00:19:05,325 , thanks for listening 461 00:19:05,325 --> 00:19:06,685 to this week's q and a episode. 462 00:19:06,745 --> 00:19:08,445 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 463 00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:11,645 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, 464 00:19:11,785 --> 00:19:13,445 or you can find the link in the show notes. 465 00:19:13,825 --> 00:19:16,325 Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon, 466 00:19:16,415 --> 00:19:18,445 we're able to do this podcast and keep it going 467 00:19:18,465 --> 00:19:20,405 and help Sters due to your support. 468 00:19:20,825 --> 00:19:22,685 If you'd like to be part of our community 469 00:19:22,685 --> 00:19:23,965 and get access to extra content 470 00:19:24,105 --> 00:19:26,165 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 471 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,765 super nice ks, you can do that. 472 00:19:27,955 --> 00:19:30,485 Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. 473 00:19:30,505 --> 00:19:33,205 That's patreon.com/kayla lords, 474 00:19:33,225 --> 00:19:34,485 or use the link in the show notes.