- You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast.
What's her name? I don't know. Episode 3 84. Wow.
Right outta the gate, honey. I know.
Uh, just tells you how this whole episode
is probably gonna go .
Real Professionals would rerecord.
We are not real professionals.
, uh, Kayla Lord's here with the one, the only,
the e You can't stop laughing at me, John Brownstone.
- I can't. Not, not, no. I
- Can't.
Glad I can amuse you. So glad I can amuse you. Mm-Hmm.
. Look, these kinds of episodes we're doing
A-B-D-S-M Reddit response tend to be chaotic.
True. I feel like it's just truth in advertising
to start in the very first sentence, the chaos to let
- 'em know what they're getting into.
- Right. If you're new here. Yep. Yep. Nope.
This, this is, this is it. This is what it is. This is it.
Uh, each week, the extremeness of
how chaotic it is will vary.
Mm-Hmm. . But there's always chaos. Yep. Yeah.
That, that's not what, that's not what we're here for yet.
No. We're here for the BDSM Reddit response. Yeah.
Will there be rants? I have no idea. Most likely.
I mean, you never know. You never know.
Anyway, welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast, .
If this is your first time listening, glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BD SM is produced every Monday
and Friday for your kinky pleasure and education.
And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add the podcast
to your favorite podcast app.
You can also follow the show on FetLife at Loving
BDSM PC on Instagram and threads at that handle.
I will forever fucking hate
Loving Ds, and the number one.
So that's at Loving DS one.
Or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving
bdsm, where you can watch us live.
Stream the podcast every Wednesday.
All links are in the show notes. Okay.
Before we get into this week's
episode, we've got a couple of things.
Mm-Hmm. first one is this Friday night, um,
for podcast listeners.
The day this episode comes out.
Friday, February 16th is our monthly, uh,
Friday night live stream starts at 9:30 PM Eastern, uh,
goes usually until about midnight.
But, eh, it varies. Give or take. Give or take. Right?
It's a hangout. It's a q and a. It's a, we, excuse me.
We're probably gonna talk about food, drink
and childhood memories.
Like we just, it gets really random. There's
- A lot of ridiculousness.
- So much ridiculousness. Excuse me.
Uh, Lola is whimpering running, making noise in her sleep.
Uh, I don't know if the, the mic's picked that up. .
She is. I hope that's a good dream.
Um, but she's very active in her sleep. So yeah.
We'll have the, the live stream going Friday night.
Um, I'll put the link out in multiple places
for anybody who's maybe not subscribed to us on YouTube,
but if you, you need a negative
excuse, feel free to subscribe.
So that's happening. Okay. This next one is a serious one.
Um, there is a trigger warning for suicide.
I think this will take three to five minutes.
So if you're watching live, just mute us
and then come back in a few minutes.
Um, I'll put timestamps on YouTube
and for podcast listeners, um, I will try
to tell you in the show notes exactly how far forward
to fast forward from this.
I hope I have stalled enough to give people time to leave
who do not want to hear the rest of this.
Okay. I'm gonna be kind of light on details
'cause it's not a thing that happened to us.
It's a thing we were made aware of.
Um, the Atlanta Georgia kink community, um,
suffered an awful tragedy last weekend.
Yeah. Yeah. Um, there was a, uh, dungeon party going on.
I, I believe the establishment's called the farm, um,
where an individual came into the party with a gun
and took their own life.
The first time I heard about it, I cried.
The second time I cried harder.
Um, there were about a hundred people at that party.
Nobody else was hurt.
Um, and people tried to help this person immediately,
and it did not end well.
Um, I tell you all that to tell you that one, kind
of keep the Atlanta community in, in your thoughts
and good vibes, like however you work
with the universe in that way.
Um, if you are a member of that community, um,
our hearts go out to you.
I, I cannot imagine. Yeah. I cannot imagine.
Um, the other reason I am, we are talking about this, is
that, um, the farm,
essentially the organizers have set up a GoFundMe, um,
to help, uh, attendees who were, uh, impacted by this.
If they need therapy counseling, help in any way to deal
with the aftermath of this,
they don't want cost to be a barrier to them.
So they have set up a GoFundMe to raise the money
to then pay out whatever they need to pay out.
A lot of information is on FetLife.
If you're a podcast listener,
those links will be in the show notes.
YouTube hates FetLife links, so I cannot link
to the FetLife stuff, but I have linked to the GoFundMe.
Um, yeah,
if you are on FetLife and just wanna try
and search for those links, if you look
for the farm in Atlanta, it'll, you'll, you'll get to
where you, um, need to find the information.
I wanna say it's Archer 1969 is the person who's been
posting about that.
I don't know anything about the Atlanta community,
so I don't know the people involved in Mm-Hmm.
all. I don't know any of that.
I don't, I think
Archer 1969 is like the organizer owner
of the farm, but I don't know that.
Um, so I say that all to say that one, our hearts go out
to the Atlanta community.
Yes, definitely.
Um, also, we, we don't have a lot, but we did donate.
I would say if you have a, a dollar to your name
and can spare it every little bit helps.
Yeah. Um, you can be,
if you've never done GoFundMe, you can stay anonymous.
You do not have to have your name out there,
um, for people to see.
Um, so we have linked to the GoFundMe
and all the places, uh, for the podcast show notes,
on our website.
We ha we'll link to the FetLife links for anybody who wants
to kind of read a little bit more,
see what happened, or, Mm-Hmm.
reach out to anybody. Maybe
there's folks, you know, or whatever.
So, yeah. That's, that's awful. And that's a mm-Hmm.
heavy, heavy topic.
Um, but it was important for us to Yes.
Share, especially if the com, you know, some of our members
of our community can come together
and we can help that community.
Then let's try and do it. Um, okay.
Um, taking a breath for a second.
Now we're gonna get into the Reddit stuff. Okay.
Uh, I don't know how to segue. I'm not good at segues.
So, we're, we're gonna, now that I've brought the room down,
maybe somebody will piss me off enough that I'll rant.
Let's, let's see. Let us see. Okay.
Okay. First one. It is a little long, so bear with me.
'cause you know, for podcast listeners, you cannot see this.
But I have to lean into the screen
and look through the bottom edge of my glasses.
'cause I have old eyes now. Okay. Title.
I feel so ashamed being kinky in a vanilla relationship.
Me, female 22,
and my partner male 24, have been together four years now.
Everything is great except the sex.
I don't feel satisfied at all.
I feel like something's missing.
He is the most plain Jane, vanilla guy you can think of.
And there's nothing wrong with that. It's just not me.
I've tried explaining kink and BDSM to him multiple times.
He doesn't get it and is not interested.
He thinks BDSM slash kink is a result of trauma
and people in toxic relationships.
This makes me feel like something is wrong with me.
I feel guilty for not being satisfied
with quote, normal sex.
I've tried suggesting a play partner for kink purposes,
and he's not into that either.
Granted, he has tried.
We bought a flogger leash, gag rope,
and blindfold once he would try the flogger and rope,
but barely, he doesn't like taking
control or being dominant.
And as a sub, I can feel that energy.
So when he lazily attempts something I feel should be taken
more seriously, I feel his lack of confidence.
The Blindfold blindfolding gag
freaked him out when I put it on.
He tried spanking, choking, and slapping me,
but he doesn't know how to properly do impact place.
So it always hurts me in the bad way.
And we don't do it anymore. He doesn't do dirty talk either.
I need something to give here. I'm just not happy.
I secretly want to leave him.
It feels vain to break up over sex.
But anyone in kink knows it's so much more than that.
I can't break up with them for at least another month
because my situation requires, I depend on them.
Mm-Hmm. . I can't help feeling like an outcast
and weirdo for my kinks
that have always come naturally to me.
I think BDSM dynamics
between two people are beautiful and should be cherished.
The dominance, submissive relationship is
so much more than just a kink.
To me. It's about giving and taking from each other.
Releasing emotions, finding and setting boundaries.
It's about love. I know it can also just be
casual, but for me it's not.
Is that so weird? I know I went off track.
I don't have kink friends to discuss this matter with.
Does anyone else have experience in a vanilla relationship?
How did it work out? And is that even possible?
I am not gonna answer her questions.
'cause that to me is not the important part.
That's what Reddit was there to help her with. Yeah.
Uh, but I have so many thoughts, but, okay.
Before I suck up all the oxygen, feel free go, go
- For it.
Well, you know, I, I'm reading this
and, and I can kind of commiserate because being
- Yeah. You've been
- There.
Being in a vanilla relationship when you are
kinky is not easy.
Mm-Hmm. , uh, it's not fun.
I know for me, I tamped down my kink side. Mm-Hmm.
, because, you know, same thing
that this person said, you know,
feel weird is something wrong with me?
Mm-Hmm. kind of thing, you know,
because it's not the
- Air - Quote normal, no air quote, normal.
Right. And, uh, you know, it,
it can weigh on you.
I also know from my experience and,
and from others, you know, you can tamp that kind
of thing down for a while.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, but it don't stay down. Right.
You know, it, it, it can manifest in,
in a number of different ways.
And, uh, yeah. It ain't, it ain't, it can, it's not pretty.
Right.
- Here's the - Thing. Okay. Here's the thing.
, here we go, folks. Here's
- The thing.
So I think if a person is like,
I'm casually interested in kink,
but I, it's not an important part of who I am,
that if you go, okay, I'm with a partner who's not into it.
I think ultimately you can probably be okay with it. Mm-Hmm.
, if there's enough else, that's good.
Whatever. Yeah. But this person described a way
of seeing kink
and power exchange that I like very much relate to.
It is how it's similar to how I would describe it. Yeah.
Which means this is not a casual, I'm just kind of like,
here to try some kinky sex.
This is something this person wants.
And here's the problem I find,
and sometimes we can't help it.
And I get it. When you are around somebody who both sort
of negates the thing you like and finds it weird
or freaks out, that is how you start in part going,
oh, this isn't normal.
I feel bad. I just should want normal sex. .
This person, on the one hand,
can articulate their feelings about what is important
to them in power exchange and kink.
And on the other hand, because they're exposed to a partner
who they are clearly incompatible with,
they then have shame and doubt creep in
because that is what they are surrounded by.
Because they don't have kink friends.
'cause I, I feel like if they had kink friends,
if they had a munch to go to, if
- They had, if they had that community
that helped support them, what's
- That group?
They had a chat text thing going
and they could go, oh my God,
my partner just said this to me.
And I feel bad about it. The kink friends,
the good ones would be like,
'cause they don't fucking get it.
And what you want is great,
and it could be a little bit more normalized for them,
and it could be validated for them.
They're not getting any validation that the thing
that they articulate well,
that they understand can be beautiful is okay to have.
And so now they're with somebody who could, could be a,
a wonderful human being clearly is not right for them.
Right. And they're spending a life with a person who is
diminishing the things that are very important to 'em.
There. I don't think that person's diminishing them in a,
um, negative way in a, in a toxic way.
I think that person has very clear preferences.
This person has very clear preferences. Mm-Hmm.
. And we're talking about at least a het
appearing, uh, relationship where
this person's like, is it okay to to,
to want better sex that I'm getting?
Mm-Hmm. . Yes, my dear. It's okay. .
Yeah. It sexual incompatibility gets to be,
maybe not for everybody,
but it gets to be a factor in deciding if
this is a person you wanna be with.
For some people, it won't matter. Right.
The sexual incompatibility will not be a deciding factor.
It won't matter enough to them. For others it will matter.
And that gets to be okay.
And that is the message I want more people to realize.
Like, you wouldn't, you know,
you would find them incompatible if they lived an entire
lifestyle that a vanilla lifestyle
that you absolutely hated.
You. And I would never have worked if your every spare
moment was spent camping, fishing.
I mean, you liked camp, you liked to fish. Yeah.
But if it was like you were a mountain
climber, you were a surfer.
If you were out there doing the things, I'd be like,
that's a really cool person to do those things.
But that is not a person that I can be like,
that would make us incompatible for me.
Other people, what's it
that does not make them incompatible?
And that's okay. If those things get to be incompatibility,
they live in another continent.
And that's not the long distance relationship I want.
That is an incompatibility that we go Mm-Hmm. .
Okay. We, but sex, we, we negate it.
We go, oh, that shouldn't be an incompatibility. Why? Yeah.
Why, why? Well, I mean, I know why, but also why? Mm-Hmm.
. So the,
the reason I picked this is we know the fucking answer,
but it was more about how she started off saying she feels
ashamed for wanting kinky sex.
Right. She only feels ashamed about it
because she's with a person who cannot give it to her.
That in the way she wants, cannot embrace it for her,
is not embracing it for her.
Mm-Hmm. the lesson for her is you can't make
somebody be your kinky dominant.
No. You got to go find somebody who wants to be that you
- Lead a horse to water, but you can't make
- A kinky and .
So,
- Yeah.
- Like that is the thing that got me about that.
It's, you know, I'm like, yeah, of course you feel ashamed
because you're not around anybody who's telling you
there's nothing to be ashamed of.
Yeah. And you want a certain type of sexual life.
But there's something in your head telling you that
that shouldn't be a factor in deciding
if this person is right for you.
Yes. The fuck it should. Yes. The fuck it should.
Some of us would not care. Some of us would care greatly.
I care greatly. I could not live with vanilla sex. Mm-Hmm.
, we've talked about this. We're like, we're,
we're best friends under all this.
We are good as a team and a relationship.
If the power exchange went away tomorrow,
that's not fucking happening.
By the way, I would pro unconsensually, non consensually.
Keep calling him Daddy. He would, we be like,
take your, your hearing aids out.
I gotta say the word, put 'em back in.
You don't have to hear it, but I gotta say it. Right.
. But you wanna know the thing
that I don't think I could be okay with sexually Now
that we, we've seemed to have found our mojo again, it's,
it's been a little delightful.
- Yeah. - On some level, I have to
feel like the sex is kinky.
Mm. It doesn't have to be the same
kinky sex we've had for 10 years.
Right. As we age, it's
- Gonna change.
It's gonna be different. Right. But if
- I don't get the, the element of, oh, that feels kinky.
Yeah. Then I'm gonna be sorely disappointed. Right.
I, that, that gets to be a problem for me.
That I then decide how do I want to handle it.
I like how she seems to have tried all of the things.
She's like, yeah, let's explore together.
Um, hey, okay, this isn't for you. I respect that.
Can I go explore on my own?
- Right. - The only thing left
is I don't think we can be in a
- Relationship together.
Yeah. And, and I mean, from, from reading what was there,
their partner doesn't seem judgmental
- Really, the way they describe it. No.
- But being dismissive as he is is,
can be just as bad.
- That's I think what a big portion
where the shame is coming from.
Yeah. It, to me, I would,
this would've been a less interesting thing to respond
to if they had done the typical, you know, I'm kinky.
They're not. How, why do I do?
I mean, that's not a fun question. I'm answer
that question 85 times.
Mm-Hmm. . It's the shame aspect of it. Yeah.
Like, 'cause you hang around the wrong one.
We need to get you some kink friends Yeah.
Who are good enough friends that you can go, you know,
gimme a, gimme a gut check here.
Mm-Hmm. . Am I seeing this wrong? 'cause Yeah.
That's the thing that I think for them needs to occur.
It needs to feel normal to want and expect Right.
And seek out kink and
they're not gonna get it from this partner.
And so, you know, what are they doing there if they can,
I understand why they said they couldn't
leave for like another month.
Yeah. Right. Because of their living situation. Okay.
Take care of that part first. Mm-Hmm.
get to where you can be safe and Right.
Know you've got a roof over your head.
But then what are we doing here? Yeah.
Yep. Let us move on. I
- Agree.
- Okay. Next one. Mm-Hmm? .
The headline. Oh, the headline is delightful.
I don't remember the question anymore. Yeah.
The head, the little title. Have I tamed my brat?
- . - This may be a unique situation.
I 23 female have a brat also 23 female. Mm-Hmm.
. She knows how to get under my skin
and make me put her in her place.
In the beginning of our relationship,
she was the most disrespectful little bitch,
practically begging to be pinned to a wall by her throat.
Oh my God. I'm sorry. I need a moment.
- Little clamped. - Yeah.
As of the last year or so, we don't have too much of this.
We're horny and have multiple scenes a week,
but she doesn't brat anymore.
She just wants it. If I touch her, she's free.
Use hardly anything disrespectful comes out of her mouth.
If she says much at all, have I tamed her?
How do I entice the brat to come out?
- Hmm. - There might have been some taming there.
Not in like a, the way you stereotypically think
of taming. True. I, yeah.
- Um, you know, yeah.
There, there definitely may have been some
taming going on there.
Um, you know, especially I think they say, you know,
they knew how to get under their skin
and, you know, put her in her place.
Right, right, right. So, you know, definitely that.
And, and I also wonder too, if, you know,
as the, as their relationship progressed, um,
that they were feeling more comfortable. They're
- Feeling safe.
- Feeling safe. Mm-Hmm. .
So was able to back off on the brat.
- I definitely thought that, the other thing I thought was,
what if in the beginning they didn't know how to say,
this is what I want, this is what I need. Yeah. And so
- It came out as ratting.
- They acted out to get it. Mm-Hmm.
and, or what was the other one?
I would just, was just fucking there. What was it? Oh God.
Oh fuck. How does that happen?
Um, the other thing that came to me was, um,
wanting their dominant partner to prove
that they could handle them and be dominant.
Some, not everybody, but some people will fight
because they want, they don't wanna just give it freely.
They don't feel safe. Give
- It freely.
They, they, they wanna, they wanna from them. Yeah.
- They want it taken from them. Yeah.
And then it, if that were the case
for this person, then yes.
As they started to feel safe
and realize that they were gonna get what they wanted,
they didn't have to fight for it
- Anymore.
I, I mean, you know, let, let's be honest, you know,
with you it was the opposite.
As you felt more safe, you became more sassy.
You know, so it, it's not a far stretch to say that.
They say the opposite. The opposite. Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah. I, and I, I think that it,
it all depends on the motivation for
where the breading came from, if the Mm-Hmm.
if the, if your partner's even aware of it.
So sometimes you, you behave in a way
and you don't necessarily know why you haven't explored it.
Yeah. So, yes.
I think something happened where they didn't feel like
that's how, what they needed to do to get what they wanted,
and, or let's be real, it's possible
that they really wanted that in the beginning.
And their desires have shifted
or morphed in a way that they might not say no to that,
but they maybe just aren't actively seeking it out either.
What they're getting now is good.
And so, so then let's move on to
how do you entice the brat to come out?
- Well, I, I, I think the only way to, to entice that,
that's going to be to sit down and have a conversation.
Yep. I think. All right. Yep.
Um, you know, Hey, I, I like
where our relationship is gone.
Mm-Hmm. , I like what, you know, the,
the things that we, we do,
but I kind of miss this. Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. - , you know, can we,
can we incorporate this back into Right. The dynamic. I
- Had fun doing that.
Mm-Hmm. . And then, you know, is
that something you would have fun doing?
You know? Yeah. And maybe, depending on
where the conversation goes, maybe even
explore where that came from.
Then if Mm-Hmm.
your partners thought about it and has some
insight and, you know, if it is a, oh, I thought we had
to fight, or, you know, they could be,
I thought you didn't want me to fight anymore,
or, I'm trying to be a good girl.
I'm trying to be, who knows,
who knows what's going on in their mind?
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . But I think I,
it depends on their personality,
but I think that somebody who
took pleasure at one point in the fight, in the brading,
in the, the backtalk, in the, in the whatever,
however that manifested.
I think if they know that it is
appreciated and they feel safe to bring that back,
they can find it again.
Oh yeah. You know, I, I,
- I don't doubt that - I do.
It depends on why they were doing it in the first place.
Mm-Hmm. . But if it's, if it is a fun thing
to them, or if it was fun, then it,
it's possible to find it again.
Yeah. You just have to have a, a conversation. But yeah.
There was no way I was skipping that
- Fucking question.
Yeah. Have I tamed my breath? I'll,
- I'll be right back.
Okay. You're walking away as I'm gonna read the next one.
.
- I figured that that would be good time to, uh,
segue out for a second. Hang on.
- Okay. Yeah. This next one is long.
And I, when I read it originally, I was like,
I think it might be a little convoluted,
but hopefully when I read it, I will.
It's a, it is a long, it's a long
- One.
Oh my goodness. It's
- A long one.
Okay. Uh, the title is Triggered Before Seen.
Wasn't Aware. It will be a double fem sub session.
Also very lost on the dynamic, giving some context.
I 34 female A switch come from a vanilla lifestyle
where I know nothing about BDSM except
I've always felt kinky.
And meeting a fem dom was something I always wanted.
Mistress. And I recently got into strictly non-romantic Ds
in the past four to five months ago.
I met her on a dating app.
Apparently I was colored pretty quickly instead
of 10 plays I got it in, into,
I guess she saw something in me.
Our communication has always been regular fun.
Although we are long distance, our Ds grew
and I had sessions, uh, whereby I stayed with her for days,
um, to, and to be her total slave and serve her.
It's like a C NNC play.
And I never had an issue for her using me for context.
Mistress always says she's very different from other Doms.
Um, whereby her kink must turn her subs on.
I've always enjoyed her company out of scene.
And her other live-in male,
sissy slave from our first trip feelings did
grow among the three of us.
And she calls it a throuple.
For context to the said title back in late last year,
we had some tension in the DS when I was staying
with her for the second time.
It started from the displeasure of her live-in male sissy.
It's that person's, her life partner
that I'm getting too much leeway as a sub enslave.
Things happen. And I got very hypervigilant
and I got dysregulated.
Emotionally. I come from an abusive
authoritarian family background.
I could see where that would happen then. mm-Hmm.
, I admit I wasn't at my best.
At the second trip, I did a lot of mistakes
and said things that hurt as well.
Her male sissy always said, I'm a mess
and a psycho for letting emotions get in the way.
And I kept topping from the bottom
and coming up with expectations.
I was very upset and hurt and felt very unsafe.
I told them I will do my best to work on my attitude
and behavior because of this incident.
Mr. Said, we are no longer like a throuple.
And I will only be remained as A-B-D-S-M contact just
to meet and play nothing more.
I was very upset, but I accepted it
because I wanted to keep the dynamic.
I know mistress plays and meets subs and fem subs regular.
And prior to this, I've been getting less and less attention
and emotional connection from her.
Fast forward to our recent meetup.
Mistress is around my area for a short trip.
We don't meet very often, like every two months,
once she flies in for trips or holidays.
She did her best to always include me
or try to meet me during her stay.
Obviously, I'm very excited about it.
Of the planning and the waiting before the play.
There are one thing we agreed months back, I will caned
and watched by a girl or guy
and be caned by them as humiliation play.
So I'll be caned while they watch. Mm-Hmm. .
And then I'll be caned by them. Okay.
But no, apparently prior to the session,
she said she will also be doming this new sub.
She met after the caning,
and she wanted us to play together sexually.
I got triggered and upset
and had no clue what was happening.
I thought we agreed on part one, and I had, oh, no idea.
On the second part of things, I was upset
because I thought I would get to spend more time
with mistress 'cause we're on long
distance and I rarely see her.
I spoke to her openly and shared my concerns
and she said she's fine with it,
and she'll play the session fairly.
Both me and the other new fem sub got impact play and that,
and that's all that happened for the night.
Mistress did give me aftercare and spoke about it.
I also told her that knowing the new girl,
now I'm pretty okay to double play next time,
considering this is my first group play.
I also apologized that I let my upset ruin her plans.
She had told her it was very self selfish
and that insecure of me.
She said she'd never do a double session again.
And I sense she was very disappointed with me.
, you're grinding your teeth over there. Yes, I am.
Her male slave said the same thing,
that I was a messed up psycho
that kept screwing up the scenes and could have ended.
Well, um,
that could have ended well if I'd kept my emotions in check.
I said I really had no
clue on the second part of the session.
If not, I would if I'd had an early heads up.
And then again, I was accused of topping from the bottom.
There's a big old long update that I'm not gonna get into.
Yeah. The main story was Mm-Hmm.
in depth enough and fucked up enough. Yeah.
Okay. You've been sighing and, and clenching over there.
- Yeah. Go ahead. Um, walk away.
Run. Run. Yeah. Run the
- Fuck - Away.
Yeah. Um, you know what?
Double sessions can be fun. Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
We've experienced Sure.
Um, but not without
talking about it first, you know?
Right. And, and knowing,
you know, it's, uh, no, it's toxic from top to bottom.
It is. From the very first bitch
and even from the other partner, you know?
Yeah. Fuck gas lighting fucks going on with them.
Your your cycle. You are this, you're that.
You're not doing this. Yeah.
- Who the fuck are you? - The fuck? Fuck.
- Who the fuck are you? Who
- The fuck .
Exactly. You know,
that is not a healthy relationship. No. None of this
- Is - Healthy.
Okay. It, it's, when you started reading it,
it started out sounding good.
Yeah. Okay. You know,
but gosh darn it, damn it .
She sprung this on this person. Mm-Hmm.
last minute, getting ready to do the scene.
Right. And then it's like, oh, well you were bad.
We're not ever gonna do anything like this again. Right.
- It's, I mean, but that, you know, it's funny fucking
- Childish that, - But it starts well before that.
You can see the bullshit coming before we even get there,
because, um, I'm not sure why this dom thinks
that they are somehow special,
that they feel like their kinks have to be a turn on
for their, of, a lot of doms would prefer to only play
with people who are turned on by their kinks.
Like, that's just a compatibility issue.
Uh, second of all, I was very,
and I don't know if it's a community thing
or a culture thing from like, maybe another part
of the world or whatever, but this whole,
I was collared really fast.
Some people it's usually 10 sessions,
and this time it was two.
Mm. Well, first of all, there's no standard, no.
There might be a community norm in an area.
I could, you know, fine. But there's still no standards.
Second of all, I mean, I'll tell you this,
even if I saw a bunch of super healthy stuff,
I would still go, you've only been around one another twice
and you're already like former formally collared.
Yeah. I've already got questions that's real fast.
Then hanging out
with this person's life partner who's also in a dynamic
with them a couple of times, and it being okay.
The, the dom does not get
to unilaterally decide they're now in a throuple Mm-Hmm.
. I mean, one, the other submissive
who is calling this person psycho, um,
sounds toxic as fuck.
I'll give benefit of the doubt.
Were they consulted that they even wanted
to be in this relationship?
And are they acting out now they're taking it out
on the wrong fucking person.
- Person. Yeah. - They need to be taking it up
with their dominant partner.
Mm-Hmm. . But,
so they're just a problem all together as well.
So , before we've even gotten to the scene,
like it's problem, problem, problem.
Yeah. None of this is okay. Mm-Hmm.
- Like, Mm-Hmm.
- And, you know, and the fact that you would say, I,
we did not negotiate this, this extra person Yeah.
In this kind of scene. And I am not
comfortable with this right now.
That is not fucking topping from the bottom. It's
- Not, it's nothing about that is
topping from the bottom. No, it's not.
- And then to have gone, oh, well now I know this person.
I've been thrown in this situation that I did not ask for.
But okay, we're here now. I I've, I've gotten
to know this person a little bit in this moment.
We've had this experience that was not the original scene.
We can do a double session next time if you want.
That's fine. Mm-Hmm. .
But then to, to, to be the type of air quote.
Now Dom, who's like,
it did not go the exact way I envisioned
that I did not get your consent for, for the first time.
So we can never do it. Mm-Hmm. .
Well, first of all, to the submissive, I'd be like, no,
never fucking do that again.
Run, run for the hills.
Yeah. Get the fuck outta there. There.
- However, there's some, there,
there's some definite red flags.
Oh yeah. Floating around there and Oh, yeah.
And, and not just from the dominant, but yeah.
Also from the other submissive.
- And of course, now, I mean, because I'm nosy
and nosy, um, I'm like, okay, what's that dynamic like?
Are they toxic together?
- Yeah. - Or are they great together?
But they, they're trying to do things that bring out,
I mean, I would assume they're toxic together,
that they're each allowing
and doing things that nobody else would
ever fucking allow them to do.
Mm-Hmm. . And so then it's normalized
and they're like, oh, this is, we get to do this.
And so I'll just do this to any rando. Mm-Hmm.
. And a rando with not a lot
of experience will be like, wait,
this doesn't feel right. But
- Yeah.
- Is this okay? No, it's not. No, it's not. Yeah.
It's a hot mess. It is from start to fucking finish.
We are not waving a red flag. We are in a parade flag.
- And the color guard all has red flags flag. Yeah.
And, and they, they, this person needs to
turn their back walk away.
Yes. Uh, you know, lesson learned. Yes,
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- . - Yes. Okay.
- Alright. Let's - Go to the next
- One. Right.
- Um, okay. So I put this in.
- Okay. Because - We don't talk about this
with dominance often enough.
Mm-Hmm. . So here we go.
- Alright. - Do any doms have performance issues?
My dom and hubby is having trouble with getting and
or staying hard right now due to some meds he has to take.
Even with Viagra. It's a hit or miss thing.
Have you guys had any similar problems?
And if so, how did you handle it in a scene?
Did you just in, in the session or use toys instead?
Just looking for more ways to make it less
of a downer if it doesn't go the way we wanted it
- To. Mm-Hmm. .
- Um, this might be a time to explore one of two things.
Scenes without sex. Yeah. Or redefining sex to not be,
- And, and that penetration,
that was the first thing that came to my mind.
Because sex is a lot more than just penetration.
It's all of the things. It's
- All of the things.
The penis does not have to take center stage in every sexual
- Encounter.
Correct. I mean, we've done that
before in the past where, you know, I've not been feeling
Right, you know, up to things in, in the moment.
But, uh, I definitely was able
to make you feel good and yes.
And satisfied. Okay.
So, you know, there, there are definitely ways
to, to work around that.
Mm-Hmm. . So, you know. Yeah.
It, it's a matter of redefining what
you know, the common conception of sex is.
- Right. And that tends to be the biggest downfall with
folks who have a penis and it's not performing the way
they're used to it performing.
And they somehow think that they have
lost their sex life completely.
Mm-Hmm. , they cannot satisfy their partner.
A partner can have that feeling of uhoh,
you're not sticking it in me.
We are clearly not doing something.
It's like, so let's talk about
some things that we have done.
Mm-Hmm. definitely play with sex toys.
Vibrators are just, they're just there.
They're just, but you've,
you've absolutely just used a dildo.
Yeah. Or your fingers, quite frankly.
- I mean, I know there are so many people
who feel threatened.
Mm-Hmm. by toys. Mm-Hmm. .
And, and you know what? No, I don't. They're tools.
They're they're tools. Um,
they make my job easier in some way.
I'm all for it. Look,
- Look, , your dick gets a break.
Your hand gets a break, your mouth gets a break.
Like, whatever. Like find the toy that feels good
and give your body a break.
Yeah. Or you get to go longer.
Like our whole thing has always been, um,
I'm gon I mean, unless we're playing with edging
and orgasm control
and those scenes, that, that, I don't think of it as a scene
with a definite short term start and finish,
but it's kind of a scene where it could
last, it could last a while.
Right. Unless when we're not playing that way,
when it's like, this is about pleasure
and get, let's, let's get you off.
Right. You have always prioritized my pleasure.
Like before you,
before we fucking you come if you
fuck at all, if we fuck at all.
Mm-Hmm. , I'm gonna have minimum of two
or three because I'm capable of multiple,
not everybody's capable of that.
I'm gonna get mine in some way.
It's gonna be filthy, it's gonna be kinky,
it's gonna be rough, it's gonna be raw.
And then when you know that I'm basically the equivalent
of a wet dish rag, ,
um, has been rung the fuck out, then if you're like, wanting
to feeling it capable of it, then you might,
there might be penetration.
Yeah. And then you might worry about your own orgasm.
Mm-Hmm. . I mean, I still remember
the very visceral, what the fuck of we fucked we played,
had my multiple orgasms.
And then you stopped before there. I was like, what?
You were like, I was enjoying myself,
but I didn't need to go, you know?
Mm-Hmm. . We didn't have to go that far.
Ironically, last night, ,
- You - Were like, oh, we're going until I do.
Yeah. And that was
- Marathon.
- That was a while. - . I was like,
- I'm tired.
Um, but yeah,
I think it's really about rethinking what sex is.
Mm-Hmm. centering the penis a little bit less.
Yeah. Because quite frankly, depending on what
that partner gets pleasure from, as a dom,
they might discover that there are other ways to experience
satisfaction and pleasure without having
to stick their dick in something.
You know? It's possible.
'cause for you, I know you've said it. Yeah.
Sometimes the satisfaction you get is
like, what you do to me.
Like, how hard am I screaming? Right. How red is my skin?
Have I started crying yet? You know,
- .
Yeah. Have, have I got you, you know, squirming and,
and riding on the bed, right? Yeah. Right.
- Mm-Hmm. . So yeah. There. Yeah.
I think it's two things. It's three things.
Get some toys to, to do the job
that the penis can't do at times.
Yeah. Redefine what the fuck sex is. Mm-Hmm. .
And maybe like decenter the penis. Yeah.
- Mm-Hmm. - . Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
. Mm-Hmm. . Uh,
these are going quicker than I thought they would.
. They're going quicker. Okay.
Okay. Here we go. Mm.
Um, am I topping from the bottom for saying what I want?
So I 28 female have been in a relationship with my partner,
51 male for eight years.
There's a bit of a backstory,
but I'm gonna focus on the issue at hand here.
He's asked if I'm still submissive as he's noticed a lack
of enthusiasm for me committing to my submissive role.
I've told him, yes, he isn't wrong,
that I've been struggling a little,
and that in order to offer the kind of submission he wants,
I need to feel romantic desire.
I need to feel that he wants me for my body and mind.
And not just that I can, that I can offer as a willing body
to be used for his own benefit.
I want to feel, wanted
and desired for me as a person in order
to get turned on and want to submit.
He told me by asking this, I'm topping from the bottom.
I'm putting in my own necessities by saying,
if you want this, you'll have to give me that.
And that's not reasonable.
Slash I'm not being submissive as far as I'm concerned.
Submission is earned not taken.
And I've upset him by saying that if you have, if you having
to give me some romance
before I submit, is me topping from the bottom.
It is what it is. Okay. I'm, I'm here for her .
- Right. - He's not happy with that.
- I've been in shocking, - Right.
I've been in the BDSM community for a long time now.
So being accused of topping from the bottom has hurt a
little as it's somewhat frowned upon in the community.
But also if asking for a blatant show
of romantic desire is topping from the bottom,
I'll happily take that on board
because that's simply how I feel.
And I accept that it is what it is.
Uh, thanks for any feedback I feel at a crossroad right now
and don't really know if I'm right or wrong.
And it'd be nice to get clarification.
Like I say, if this is topping from the bottom,
I'm not even mad about it anymore
because I'm being true to myself.
But I'm still curious if he's right
because I'm thinking surely wanting
to feel romantic desire isn't an unreasonable request from
a sub to a dom.
I don't know. I'm just confused right now.
Thank you for your help and opinions.
So let's get one thing straight. I got opinions. Yeah.
But one of the things is it is okay to want romantic
desire, affection.
Sure. It's also okay not to want that. Yeah.
That's called incompatibility though. Mm-Hmm. .
That's, to me that's like the simplest one. Yeah.
But let, let's get, let's get into the, the,
the other bits. Um,
- Yeah, go - For it.
- . Um, not topping from the bottom.
No, it's not toing from the goddamn bottom. Not bottom.
Not that's easy. Not, um, you know, ugh.
You know, just because someone identifies
as a little f doesn't s doesn't mean they
cannot request things that they want
- Or that they might not have requirements of what it takes
to get them in the head space.
Yeah. To be the partner that you want them to be. Mm-Hmm.
We all, I mean, we've,
we've had this conversation so many times.
We all have needs. Right.
To the extent that a partner is capable of it, we,
we deserve to have those needs met.
Yep. Does getting those needs met look different in power
exchange than it would look outside of power exchange?
Of course. Of course. Sure.
But that does not negate the fact that you get
to have fucking needs.
Right. That's been a topic, an episode topic on my mind.
Not that we haven't had that conversation before,
but to like, like get into it a little bit anyway.
Yeah. Anyway, um, here's the thing
that strike stands out to me.
The age gap, y'all. I'm struggling.
We got an 18 year age gap. Yeah.
They've been together for eight years.
So she was 20 when they got together. Okay.
So that makes me wonder
how much power exchange knowledge did she have before?
True. Um, clearly she's
educated herself somewhere along the lines.
Mm-Hmm. . 'cause I, she was another one
where at the end I'm like, I agree with you.
I agree with you. Yeah. Right.
- Yeah. - That being said,
- Mm-Hmm.
- what's happened in the past eight years.
Because there was a time when she could
be the little s partner and she could do those things
and she could get into the head space and now she can't.
So either there's been a self-discovery on her end. Mm-Hmm.
, there's, uh, been a lack
of something on his end.
Something has happened. Happened, yeah.
And instead of, you know, him coming
to her and going, I see some differences here.
Some things have shifted. Can we talk about this? Mm-Hmm.
, what's going on? How do we need to, whatever
he's throwing out the, well, this is not a me problem,
this is a you problem.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, you just need to submit
because I told you to fuck you
and the horse you rode in on .
Yeah. Um, I will go back to,
we talked about it in the age gaps episode.
We are not here to give side eye to age gaps.
Age gaps are not inherently predatory. They are not.
They're not. They're not. However, I would have loved
to have been a fly on the wall when 20-year-old her met
what he would've been 43.
Yeah. Was he her first intro into this Mm-Hmm.
. And did he use,
he's using manipulation tactics now to tell her that
that proclaiming her wants and
and communicating her wants is topping from the bottom.
Yeah. No. So if he's using them now eight years later,
did he use manipulation to get her in the first place?
I have questions. It's the thing I'll never get
to know, but I do have questions.
This is one of those times where I am giving
side eye to the age gap.
Mm-Hmm. . Because
- I mean, it, it, it sounds like, you know, Taytay,
you brought it up in the live chat and,
and we've talked about this numerous times in the past.
This sounds like one of those instances where
this person is taking, taking, taking
and not doing anything to refill the well
and the well is beginning to run dry dismissive
- Genes are not being met.
Right. And so therefore they've got to a point,
they're like, I cannot give you
what you want without getting what I need.
Mm-Hmm. . And the thing is,
is ultimately we come down to incompatibility if
that's what she needs.
Mm-Hmm. . And he does not want
to give it. She's not bad.
- No. She's - Just with the wrong partner. Right.
She needs a partner who wants to give her what she needs
because they, they want to do that either for her or
because they agree that they need the same thing.
It doesn't matter how they get there,
but he strikes me as somebody who maybe didn't have
to work real hard for Mm-Hmm.
that person's submission. And now
he's being asked to work for it.
Work for it, and doesn't wanna fucking work
- For it.
Yeah. And, and you know, it's, it's another one
of those things where whether you're in the lifestyle,
whether you're not in the lifestyle, you know,
in, in any relationship, people change.
People grow. Right. Okay.
Best case scenario, people grow together.
- Right. Ideally. - Yeah. Okay.
Ideally people can grow together and,
and you move on to new chapters in your life.
Mm-Hmm. , um, the, the not so ideal
situation is that as one person grows,
the other grows apart. Right.
- . And that is very common.
Mm-Hmm. that's very common.
- You know? And, and,
and that is something unfortunately that is inherent in,
in human nature and,
and it is not, um, you know,
something that, that you can say, well,
this doesn't happen in a DS relationship.
'cause it does and it can. Right.
- 'cause we're just people. - Right.
- Just a different flavor of people. Yeah.
Something that stands out to me. Mm-Hmm.
, um, in her post was, he told me
by asking this, that I'm topping from the bottom.
I'm putting in my own necessities by saying,
if you want this, you'll have to give me that.
And that, that makes her not submissive.
That strikes me, that attitude strikes me as the same energy
of why should I thank you for doing the thing
that you're supposed to do.
- Yeah. - No, thank you. I know. I find that distasteful.
The, that to me is the same energy of why should I tell you
what I need when
- You should just be able to see,
- Know.
Right. Yeah. We just, it'll come out a few days
after this, uh, episode.
We just did our q and A episode
and it, there was, there's a flavor of some
of this too to hear. Yeah.
- Yeah. - That, that particular person's dom was like,
why do I have to tell you what to do?
You have eyes. Just do what you see needs to be done.
Mm-Hmm. , that's kind of the same energy.
Why are you asking for any fucking effort from me?
I just wanna do what the fuck I wanna do,
call myself the dom,
and I don't actually wanna have
to put any effort or work into it.
Yeah. And this person's like,
I'm not even asking for that much.
I'm asking for like a bare minimum. Mm-Hmm.
of like a, a base level. Right. You know?
And ultimately you're incompatible.
Break it up Yep. To the, you know,
- Listen, - Separate your lives to the extent that you can
go find somebody who can give you what you want.
Mm-Hmm. . But also this, this dumb is shitty.
It's, I don't wanna have to put that effort in,
so I'm gonna, it's manipulation.
I don't wanna put the effort in.
So I'm gonna make you feel bad for asking.
I'm gonna make, I'm gonna tell you,
you are not a good submissive.
You're not real. You're doing kink wrong.
Because I don't like the demand you've placed on me. Yeah.
I don't like the fact that you have set expectations
and expect me as the all knowing, all powerful, all seeing
oz slash Dom to actually provide it.
- I know, I know. - Distasteful.
- Yeah. It it is. It is.
- Yeah. Oh, good.
We've had like a whole run of other than, well,
at least one Dom's being shitty.
. Great. Great.
I mean, I'm impressed with the brat tamer
who did their job so well.
Their brat was like, I don't even
need to brat anymore. Right.
- I'm just getting, - I'm just getting it. Good.
I don't have to fight for this anymore.
Um, that one impresses me. . Mm-Hmm. .
So weirdly, that's it. That's it.
We got through those quick.
- Wow. - I know.
Uh, did I, I mean, I didn't, I know I didn't,
but also, did I use up all my rambling power last week?
I didn't. I have more ble in
- Me.
I, I was gonna say, I don't think that that, that is a,
well, I don't think will ever go dry
- .
No. My look, my brain rambles.
So then the words come out somehow more ramly.
It all makes sense in my head
until I try and start putting words to it.
Um,
so yeah.
Uh, as always, uh, people are fucked up , and,
and most of the time the answer is, uh,
should you be with that person?
Mm-Hmm. . Um, I, I am grateful
that the answers were not all
just fucking have a conversation.
- Yeah, I know, right? That - Was, that was delightful.
Yes. Yes. Um, but it does feel like some
of the answers were Yeah.
Throw that one out out. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
to get you a new, a new one. .
A new one of whatever. You don't need that one.
Nope. Good. Yeah.
- Yeah. Move along. Move along. Yeah.
Nothing to see here. .
- I do think I'm getting a lot more comfortable with,
and I don't ever wanna be dismissive of clearly nuanced, um,
issues that people go through, relationship issues.
Yeah. But I am becoming a lot more comfortable
with Why are you still together ?
I used to hate giving that advice
- Or I know.
- Or offering that as a, a, a, a viewpoint.
Mm-Hmm. because it was like,
- But what?
But some, sometimes that's
- What if there's some mysterious detail I can't see
and they can work it out.
And now I'm like, no, throw that one back. No.
You don't want that one . No.
That one's not good for you. No. Yeah.
Um, also it's a very, I also always kind of
shied away from saying the answer is don't be together,
because that's kind of a very trite, simple answer.
Mm-Hmm. . Oh, it's difficult
just in the relationship.
Yeah. But that's, that's not my vibe either.
It's like, why are you subjecting yourself to
- This ?
- Right. Right. Often. Like why ?
So, um, that's, that's the episode part of the episode. Yes.
We'll go into a bonus section.
Um, just a quick reminder, we won't rehash it
'cause I don't, don't wanna stop for trigger warning,
but we do have the GoFundMe link in the places, um,
for the thing we talked about at the top.
If you have even a dollar to spare,
do not put yourself in financial jeopardy
for anything like this, for anybody to take care of you.
Mm-Hmm. . However,
if you've got a little despair. Yeah,
- Yeah, - Yeah.
So, um, yeah,
that's, that'll be I guess.
Sure. Bonus Uhhuh. What are words? I don't know.
I'm on my second coffee too. I feel like.
I feel like we should, there's a problem here.
- Yes, there is. - And I will need like a sweet tea
or a diet coke in a minute
for the next thing we're doing after this.
So true. True. I'll be hopped up on caffeine .
- Oh boy. Oh boy. - Okay.
- Um, so are we good? I don't know.
Keep it kin. Keep the kinky, y'all.
- I'll see you next week.
Daddy.
- Yes, baby girl. We talk - To the crickets.
- Um, now if I say yes to that and,
and you turn around and say, I got nothing, .
Okay, then what's the point of me giving you permission
to talk to the crickets?
- So here's the thing.
I don't, I know
that there's something I've been meaning to like say Mm-Hmm.
. But can I remember it? No.
I'll have to start babbling
and rambling about random shit to get
that train back on the tracks.
- Okay. - So technically it's not that I got nothing,
it's that I can't find it. Okay.
- , I have lost it. .
- Uh, take that however you'd like. I have lost it. Um, so
- Well you better tie a flag to your keys and find it.
- Do you know how many flags I would be talking?
It's the same reason I don't put little tabs when I read a
physical book because everything gets tapped. Yeah,
- I see.
I've seen everything gets tabbed. Nothing gets tapped.
I have seen books that you've tabbed .
- I don't highlight for that reason.
- , I have seen books
that you tabbed and what that can bring. So
- To answer your actual question,
- Um, - I want the freedom to be able to just like,
let the brain come straight out the mouth.
Mm-Hmm. to the
crickets without getting in trouble.
So therefore I always want to ask. Ah.
But the reality is, is I don't always have a specific topic
or, or I haven't found it yet.
I'm flailing about in the, the dark crevices
of my crazy brain to find it.
But I need your permission to have that freedom to be able
to stumble my way through to a topic.
So I have to ask,
but I also have to be honest
that sometimes I don't know what to say.
So does that make it
- - Clear as mud or did you follow that?
I, it's okay if you didn't. I barely did.
- I did enough. Okay. - Okay. You caught the gist. Yeah.
- Yeah. Go ahead and talk to the crickets though. Thank you.
- Thank you. I, there was something I was like,
I'll talk about that in the bonus section.
I don't fucking remember what that was. . I
- Dunno.
You need to keep pen and paper with you
and make notes, you know, that
- You could, do you really want me to be making notes
of everything I think that I would like to relay later?
You and I could never have a conversation again.
I could never focus on anything else when the mind
just starts whirling.
And I do think of a whirly gig, like in my brain,
it's just, we spin it up.
You hear that little like wine sound.
Like that's what's happening up there.
- . Okay.
- I could have sworn there was something.
So I'll, I'll do a rundown.
We went to the 18 year old's concert last week. Uhhuh. Was
- It delightful? It was. It's
- Delightful.
Mm-Hmm. , um, overfed him at Culver's.
It was funny, I texted him before the concert
and was like, uh, are we,
let's become our tradition after his concerts.
Now do you wanna go to Culver's?
'cause we can get custard and have dessert
'cause we'll have already eaten dinner.
And if he wants like a meal, he could eat
- A meal. He does something to eat. Yeah.
- And he goes, I'm not saying no to free food.
I said, spoke like a college student. . So .
Um, and then we could not all stop talking with one another.
Mm-Hmm. . So the concert started at seven 20.
By around eight 30 ish.
It was done, give or take by like nine. We were at Culver's.
We did not leave Culver's until 10 30. .
We got to the parking lot of his
apartment complex to drop him off.
We did not actually get back in our vehicle
and have him walk inside until like 11 30, 11 45.
Which means, I don't know, I don't know. Thursday night.
And I'm too old for this shit when I work on a Friday.
Uh, we did not get home until 1230 in the morning. Mm-Hmm.
. 'cause we could
not stop talking to one another.
What? And he had to catch us up on stuff.
And he's very introspective.
These, he's always been introspective,
but he is super introspective these days.
He's trying to figure himself out.
He is going through that like moment in life.
And then I'm trying to like keep him up, you know,
up on everything going on with his little brother.
'cause there's been like all kinds of medical stuff.
And then, you know, a little bit of what's going on with us.
But he didn't really care. We're just the parents.
And so there was just, and then,
and then my heart grew 85 sizes
because the big brother told the little brother,
here are the things I think you need to do to be healthy.
Now. Have the adults in this child's life advised him
of these things a hundred million times.
Of course. But the big brother said it.
And next thing you know, the kid, the little ones, I mean,
I say little child's almost six two and he's 14.
But his little face just lit up.
Like, I am receiving knowledge from the heavens.
This is gospel. I will follow this. Mm-Hmm.
for my whole lifetime.
Um, and it was delightful to watch.
Uh, I didn't even get annoyed that I was like,
those are words I've actually said.
I've actually told you to do that. It's fine. It's fine.
You needed to hear it from a different messenger. It's fine.
Um, but yeah. So that was good. Mm-Hmm.
It was, um, we're recording.
Podcast listeners are time traveling here.
We're recording on Valentine's.
We uh, will not do anything major there.
We did not do cards. No, I do not have flowers.
There are no gift giving one
'cause we don't really do much of that.
Two. Can't afford it. We are having a steak dinner at our
house cooked on our grill.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, and that is fine.
We don't really do date night steak dinners on a Wednesday.
No. Usually. So it's special . Yep.
Um, I, right before we started recording
and streaming, I got off, was on the phone with my mother.
I do not ever think of my mother as a typical boomer.
She is, she's right on the cusp between, um,
boomer and Gen X.
She's in that like five, six year pocket
where there's crossover.
And she never, I mean, her whole thing is,
I will not be a Karen.
You fucking kidding me. I'll not be a Karen.
And she tends to be more tech savvy.
And she's like, she's real cautious about stuff.
So, you know, you hear about elderly people getting scammed.
Right. And I'm always like, okay, I need to be aware
of this, but I think it'll be fine.
My mother calls to, I had heard what Monday
they had been, they'd gotten caught in a scam.
Her and my evil stepdad. Yeah.
And she'd had to like, spend hours dealing with the bank
and the credit card companies and the credit bureaus
and like all this stuff to fix it.
She called me to, or had me call her today.
'cause she was like, I have to, I I need your advice.
Am I, you know, have I done everything I'm supposed to do?
And she details the scam for me.
And I was like, but you're, I don't think of you as old.
She's like, she told me.
She's like, I mortified
that we even got caught in this scam.
It was one. And you had told me
that was an old one. Yeah. About,
- Been around for quite a while.
- You computer pops up with a message
and a blaring alarm sound telling you you have
to call Microsoft security or fraud or whatever it's called
and gives you this massive sense of urgency
that if you don't like, I don't know, your laptop's gonna
be mission impossible and blow up or something.
I don't know. So even though she knows not to click links
for mysterious emails and not to respond
to people she doesn't know, they placed that phone call
and got scammed, uh, got so close to getting scammed.
They did not lose any money, thank God.
But they did absolutely
for half a second believe a person on the phone when they
said, you can't tell anybody you're in your bank,
that you're talking to me on the phone.
We think this is an inside job.
They also got suckered into,
people can listen in on your phone call.
They also got suckered into, oh, well we're showing
that you've spent $35,000 on PornHub.
So I did not tease my mother about it.
I did not give her grief.
I talked her through what she was calling to ask me about.
Um, and then I was like, Hey, here are some things
to keep in mind for the future.
And she even said, um,
I am mortified.
I am so embarrassed that we let this happen to us.
I thought we were better than this. Yeah.
And I was like, yeah, well,
- Well that, that's like, I get the email quite a bit
that says, you know, uh, if you don't pay us, uh, you know,
50 50 grand, I'm gonna leak your pictures on the
inter all over the internet.
- My favorite is when I get that email
to a Kayla Lord's account, I'm like, baby,
my pictures are already there.
- Right. You can't scare me with a
- Good - Time.
I'm like, go ahead. Right. Go ahead link 'em.
- I posted 'em already, but I'm
- Okay.
Right. I mean, you know, post 'em somewhere.
I didn't think about, maybe I'll get some new traction
here. . Right.
- We're always looking for new audience numbers. Right.
Yeah. I mean, I think what helps is I have had
fake name accounts, like my, you know,
public name or whatever.
Not my legal name. Technically.
I have a DBA, so it's technically Mm-Hmm.
a legal name in a way. But yeah.
You know, I've got so many of those kinds of accounts.
So I get these spam things that can't, can't,
can't be connected to my real life.
They don't make any sense. Yeah.
Um, so that when I see them on my vanilla side
and my legal name side, I'm like, okay, I,
I know I recognize that for what it's,
but as I explain to my mother, I'm like,
basically if a person
or an entity does not tell you
that they're absolutely sending you an email
or a text message, don't trust anything .
Just don't, don't trust anything. Mm-Hmm. .
And she normally is very good about that.
She, you know, follows a lot of the same things I do.
She's like, if I get a random message that says my package,
you know, is stuck at the warehouse, click this link.
She's like, I go check where I placed an order
to see if I even have a package.
She's like, I don't click the links.
I'm like, okay, you're, you're doing, it was the,
the blaring noise that panicked them.
Mm-Hmm. . And yeah.
So it took her two days to get it all sorted,
but they didn't lose any money.
So that's what really counts.
But now I'm like, okay, uh, we've unlocked a new, uh,
adult child with older parents'.
Fear didn't know
that was gonna be on this year's bingo card. Mm
- Mm-Hmm.
. So, yeah.
- But yeah. So that's been going on. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, we
apparently last week's very emotional conversation
and then the conversations we had before and
after that, like what y'all see is just
like a part of it. We
- Tip of the iceberg, so to speak. We keep those things
- Go, uh, helped.
- Yeah. Uh, I, I think it did.
I I think it was cathartic for both of us Yes.
To kind of, uh, get that all out.
- And I also think that we each maybe thought we understood
how the other was feeling and seeing things,
but to hear it like Yeah.
Solidifies it. 'cause things
that things been kinky is all I'm saying.
Right. Things very kinky. Mm-Hmm.
in in the good way. In
the, the way you want 'em to be.
Right. I'm just, uh, We've had, I,
we think we've talked about this before,
since I started getting my hair, uh,
colored in vivid colors,
which I have not done for months now.
And I do not foresee it happening for months.
The next color will be hot pink.
But will we go silver blonde
as all the color washes out first?
Probably. Anyway, we've always, I've,
once I started coloring my hair in a vivid color, we had
to negotiate about how you handle my hair.
Right. And it is, if this is freshly washed hair,
it does not get to be pulled
until it is no longer freshly washed.
Mm-Hmm. . Like, it gets freshly washed right
before I've gotta go to meet with people or
before I gotta get on camera tonight.
Like this morning hair was washed. Don't touch it tonight.
If you wanna touch my hair, it's fine. .
It'll be a couple days before anybody sees me.
I don't think the dental hygienist will care when I go
get my teeth cleaned on Friday.
But we had to
because as JB called it, we've been having
kinky monkey sack lately.
. I had to, the other night I was like, okay,
tonight I'm not washed today,
tonight I have not washed my hair, but tomorrow I will.
So if you want to have opportunities to have a reason
to pull my hair tonight is a better night
than tomorrow will be.
And then JB was tired
and did not take the opportunity that night.
So then last night, which was the night I
was supposed to have washed my hair.
Mm-Hmm. , I wasn't supposed
to do it Wednesday morning.
I was like, but we didn't do
anything the night before .
And I thought we would. So then I said, oh,
like in passing we were gonna go run an errand.
I was like, just so you know,
I am not washing my hair tonight and I will do it tomorrow.
And we thankfully have the communication skills
of being together long enough that
he could pick up what I was putting down.
Uh, . So
- I did.
- Yeah. Yeah. So that's been good. Mm-Hmm. .
That's been good. Mm-Hmm. I back in the day,
and not really that long ago, I was the type of person
that if things went from kind of not great
or eh, to really good, like a a something switched
and it was, we were back to something
or I was back to doing something, I would get the, oh,
it'll be this way forever thinking which
- - It will not.
So I How long will it last? I don't know.
I'm gonna enjoy the fuck out of it.
Yeah. While it's happening.
- I mean, that, that's kind like my, um,
feelings on, on your libido peaking back out again.
- I know. And I don't, it's not, it's not being back on, uh,
hormones because I haven't been on it long enough for any of
that to be doing what it do.
Uh, I mean, I've been reading a lot
of smut, so much smart.
Not always good smut.
Certainly not always smut that hits my kinks, but I am
- A lot of it .
- I am in the middle of a series. It is the Irish Mafia.
Last time I got shit for not coming in with the,
the series title, um, .
So I'm gonna try and go get it for you. There you go.
Um, it's all daddy baby girl themed, which, you know,
unless you've just met me, you would understand why
that would be of interest to me.
, um, Boston Kings is the, the series
'cause they're like I Irish mob, um, in South Boston.
Um, I've read the first three of the five books.
Take me daddy, make me daddy break me.
Daddy Break Me Daddy was my favorite.
Break Me Daddy was my favorite.
Um, are they formulaic? Yes.
Um, do I wish
that the author would get a little bit more creative in
describing similar acts?
Yes. This is the downside
to reading an entire series back to back.
You figure out an, an author's patterns,
like their language patterns
and the formulas they use and all that.
But is it enough for me to go, why, why? Yes.
It would be great if you could pull my hair
and my hair is available to be pulled.
So Yeah. Yeah.
But I, uh,
had to, I had to be more open with one of the kids' teachers
about, uh, his neurodivergency in his health.
And now I have a text message
where she's asked me to call her.
It's like, no, I sent you the multi-paragraph long email so
that you could respond in email.
Not so we could have a fucking phone call
that was not on my list.
Um, so yeah. Yeah. So I guess I have to do that.
Mm-Hmm. , it's the only class
where he's struggling.
I mean, grade-wise, he is doing fine,
but like online class that has requirements that just
he would prefer not to do.
And quite frankly, like it's hard.
The, the part of me that doesn't like to deal
with people I don't know, and, and is looking at this online
class going, I would hate doing that too.
Is at war with the mom in me. That's like, yes, yes, yes.
I I but there's certain skills I've got to, to teach him
because he, to be a, to, you know,
one day possibly be an independent person, he's got to know
how to do this to, we just have to modify it
so it fits his needs.
. But there is still the part of me going, yeah,
if I could get out of it, I would too.
the sheer amount of things I will do
to avoid making a phone call.
Do I add 10 extra steps to try
to do something online , to avoid the phone call?
Well, yes I do. Yes. Yes I do.
Does uh, is that helpful or productive? No, it's not.
So, yeah. Yeah.
So the mom part of me has to win this battle of,
we, we've gotta, we've gotta have this
conversation and figure this out.
Mm-Hmm. . So he can do what he needs to do
and have to do parts of a class that he does not like.
But I hate it. I fucking hate it. . Yeah,
- I know.
So, yeah. So,
and Silent says, you know, either the books aren't long
or Caleb reads ridiculously fast.
She reads insanely fast
- Because it's brain candy.
I, here's the thing. I am taking in the story
as I'm reading it, I understand what's happening.
I'm getting the details. I'm getting the point of it.
I'm enjoying the story. Mm-Hmm.
, I, because I read, I don't read
and I'm not thinking while I'm reading.
It is literally my brain is shut off.
It's the only part that's functioning is recognizing the
words and their meaning and painting the picture in my head.
But the moment I'm done with that book could not tell you.
What, what are the characters' names? Don't remember?
Um, the, the Daddy series, the Boston Kings series.
I can, I can remember partly
because the same characters show up in each book.
They're standalones, but they,
so I can remember their names.
I can even remember like for right now, the, the
plot line of how they got together or why they got together.
Um, but by the time I finish this
series, I'll move on to the next.
I won't even recognize the cover when I look at it.
That's part of the reason. ,
I use Good reads just 'cause it's all connected.
And I'm a creature of habit.
But I don't, like I said this a week
or so ago, I don't rate or review anymore.
'cause that put pre felt like pressure
and I didn't like that felt like expectations.
I didn't like that. I literally use it to catalog
so I can see what the fuck.
I've read . I like seeing how many books I read,
but I mostly need it so that at one point I can go back
and go, yes, I did read the book.
Do I know what it's about? No, I do not. No, I do not.
Which means I also have
to, I I don't have to.
I choose to. But it is better for me with this awful,
awful memory with books to if a series is complete
and it's available on Kindle Unlimited,
I just read all the fucking way through
because by the time I move on
and come back, I either won't remember the series exists
or I won't remember enough of the series
and will feel lost in the details.
But reading right now, reading especially like romance
and just pure smut and stuff like that, it's an escape.
It is pure escapism.
Um, I absolutely find myself reading
when I should be doing other things.
Especially if I get stressed.
It's my new way to procrastinate.
It's my new way to avoid uncomfortable things.
, it's not productive to do that .
And then I end up feeling guilty
because I'm not doing the things I should be doing.
Um, this is how I spent my childhood. I read like this.
And, um, we didn't have,
didn't have things like Kindle Unlimited obviously
also didn't have a lot of money.
So I would go to the library once a week
and whatever the max number of books I was allowed
to check out, that was typically what I was checking out.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, and I was,
I was reading outta the adult section
by the time I was eight or nine.
Um, and I've just like, do I psychoanalyze myself?
It wasn't just apparently, um,
I likely have had something called Hyper Alexia
where I read really early
and comprehended the written word very early, very quickly.
Um, was definitely a massive reader.
Like I enjoyed it, but also it's my escape.
It has always been my escape. .
I forgot that it was my escape while in the depths
of first going to college where you have to read for college
and that'll suck the life out of your reading.
Um, and then two had babies and had to raise them.
And I just, there was no time
to just fucking sit down and read.
And now, especially since I can just, it's in my phone.
Did I go to the bathroom? I'm probably read a chapter.
Sorry, I forgot that there was life. Am I standing in line?
Am I sitting in my car in line?
I'll just open it up and read. Are we in a waiting room?
Like I'm, yeah. Yeah.
Oh, so silence says, wait, there's a name
for being able to read early.
Yes. Yes. Hyper Alexia.
Um, it's got other like, defining characteristics,
but based on my limited understanding of the term, I think
that I was, I mean the, the family lore is
that I was reciting my ABCs
and spelling simple words at like age 14 to 16 months old
by three years old.
I was reading to myself a little bit like simple stuff,
but I could also, like an adult could be holding a newspaper
and I could tell you what some of that was saying.
And then in kindergarten,
because I have always been smooth suave and,
and just, oh, just knew how to work a crowd.
Um, for show and tell.
I was reading the book to them .
And that is what I did at age five.
I do know how to, uh, influence people and make friends.
Um, . Yeah.
First grade, my first grade teacher did not know
what to do with me and the reading portion.
'cause everybody was reading like the, the basics.
They were learning how to read. And I
was like, I don't need that.
And she first grade, no, no lie y'all, I exaggerate.
There's a lot of hyperbole when I speak.
I'm not exaggerating. In first grade,
she got me the Laura Ingles Wilder Box set of books.
Mm. And I tore through those, through the, I mean, I was not
as fast as I am as an adult.
There was, you know, had to slow down
to actually understand what I was reading.
Did I get the context? No. I was a fucking child.
. I did read those books.
Fifth grade I was reading Clan of the Cave Bear.
Uh, that is where I've also got my love of,
please let me read very explicit sex,
even if I do not understand the
connotations of what I'm reading.
Like the violence of it or the whatever.
Um, was hooked on those fucking books at age 13. Yeah.
I was reading Diana Galden
and the Outlander Series , uh, my 13th birthday,
I got whatever the newest book was in the series
that year in hardback.
My family was broke. We did not own hardback books.
You only got to read a hard back if you went to the library
and checked it out and they could give it back.
And my birthday present last year, that year, age 13. Hmm.
Do I remember what, which book in the series?
No, I don't, but yeah. Yeah. So, Hmm.
Yeah. But, hmm. Yeah.
So, and um, and go ahead.
- Rah rah. Recommended an author. I wrote the name down for
- You so you can Thank you.
'cause you know I will not. Right. I know.
And yeah, Kendall, I, oh God,
in my Instagram algorithm has got me,
knows me now better than it ever has
because every other like, recommended post
that's not like somebody I'm actually following
is a sponsored post from an author
with a book on Kindle Unlimited to the point
that I was coming across somebody that sounded good.
And I, I have my own little method
for, is this a book I wanna read?
'cause you literally cannot read every book ever written.
So you gotta like, read 'em out somehow that I filled up
how much I currently had that I was allowed
to borrow from Kindle Unlimited.
And it was like, in order to be able to read this,
you have to give some back.
Which of these these books would you like to give back?
And I'm now at a point where I have no more books
that I can give back .
So I can't get any more books from Kindle Unlimited
until I finish reading stuff.
- .
- Yeah. Yeah.
The whole, my understanding is Hyper Leia.
It tends to be tied to Neurodivergence.
There's like a, some high percentage of, um, kids
that were hyper leic as small children who end up being
the one I see most common is autistic,
but probably A DHD is in there as well.
Um, that was when I fi first went, oh,
maybe I should explore that a little bit more.
. I now have, uh, a stack of library books, uh,
about, uh, autism
on the side table next to where I sit on the couch.
Some of those are to help with the youngest so that I can,
you know, provide 'em the best support possible.
And part of it is, but also I need to understand myself.
And then I had to make sure when I was checking out those
books that I watched the year of publication 'cause Too Old
and you get some shitty, outdated information.
Um, but our library apparently does not like to have all
of the books from this century.
They only have a few.
So, so yeah.
Um, as always,
I've sucked up all the oxygen. Hmm. What have you got?
- I'm, I got you just - Here for the, um,
- Ride with me.
I'm just here for the ride. Yeah. Yeah. Thank God.
- Mm-Hmm. . Thank God for that. Um,
- Yeah.
I mean I've, I've not been doing a
whole lot other than work.
You've been been working. Yeah. Um, you know, yeah.
The, um, little talk last week is definitely
revitalized our Ds. Yeah.
- We are more mindful of it
and putting in more effort. Yes. Mm-Hmm.
- . Mm-Hmm. . Yep. Which,
which has been good. Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. , - You know,
um, other than that, yeah.
No, I ain't got, ain't got a whole lot
just, you know, just doing
- Our - Thing, doing, doing our thing.
I mean, this week was a bit of an emotional week
- Yeah.
- For me. Yeah. Um, you know, the beginning
of the week had something going on.
Mm-Hmm. and, uh,
- That hopefully we'll yield good things later.
Yes. But there will have to be drama first.
- Right. And uh, thing is,
I can actually choose to be a part of the drama
or not be a part of it.
- So did I use my tough love c clause privilege
to lecture the fuck out of him?
, this thing you're doing is going to bring drama
to your door from people
who do not deserve your time and attention.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, it's going
to bring drama to your door.
Oh yeah. So yeah.
Are you going to wait for the drama to get here?
Are you preemptively just gonna fucking block everybody?
. She said, excuse me.
She said sweetly and submissively.
Oh, it was a, it was a lecture fest.
I was like, you know what this does
to you if you don't figure out
how you're gonna handle it now, you were, you,
- It was a borderline rant. Oh.
- Because, because, and I, I basically said,
'cause it's it's ongoing stuff we've
been dealing with for a couple of years.
Yeah. And I know what it does to him mentally
and emotionally every time.
And then how that trickles down to the rest of us
because then he has to manage his emotions.
And then I'm over here trying to manage his emotions
for him, which no, I cannot do.
But that doesn doesn't stop me from trying. I know.
Um, and I was like, I love you.
You know what's going to happen.
You know what the fallout of this is going to be
if you do not figure out how to handle it now I cannot live
for the next year 'cause what's going on could last a year.
I could cannot deal with your willful
emotional rollercoaster.
Right. That you're choosing not
to do anything about for a year.
We do not have time. I said, our focus has to be on us
and our family and what we're trying to accomplish here.
Not this drama that they're gonna
try and bring to your doorstep.
So I love you, but handle your shit. Mm-Hmm. .
She said Submissively. So
- Yeah. So
- Yeah.
So you're handling your shit.
- Yep. I'm,
- And I appreciate that
and you're handling me and I really appreciate that.
- Mm-Hmm. , uh, .
- So, um, at the risk of having a bonus section,
which is longer than the actual episode,
which has happened before
Mm-Hmm. , it's not on, on.
- Yeah. Oh yeah. We probably should Yeah.
Cut it because we have something at two o'clock
and we need to, I know we're
- Being interviewed for somebody else's podcast.
- We need to check our, uh, all our stuff
- Stuff.
Yeah. And get our, our bathroom breaks in and Mm-Hmm.
. Mm-Hmm. need to go check on the
kid and avoid the math teacher
who want really wants me to call her .
Just email me. It's easier. Just,
- Yeah.
- Anyway, so we're gonna go, yeah.
Uh, we will be live streaming Friday
night podcast listeners.
That is the literal day this episode comes out.
Um, so we hope to see y'all there. Mm-Hmm, .
Okay, we're gonna go. All right. Okay.
- Bye. Bye.