1 00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:12,165 - You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. 2 00:00:12,335 --> 00:00:14,645 Kayla The Lord's here. We're the one, the only, the 3 00:00:16,275 --> 00:00:18,005 I've got nothing, uh, exciting 4 00:00:18,065 --> 00:00:19,805 or interesting to say beyond You 5 00:00:19,805 --> 00:00:21,085 need caffeine, John Brownstone. 6 00:00:21,145 --> 00:00:23,325 - Yes, I do. - I know I say that every week though. Yeah. 7 00:00:23,355 --> 00:00:25,805 Like, it's, it's like, it's a, it's a given 8 00:00:26,395 --> 00:00:27,395 - True, true. 9 00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:29,245 - That we are both addicted to caffeine 10 00:00:29,345 --> 00:00:31,165 and we'll never be able to have enough. 11 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:33,685 - Correct. - It's just always true. 12 00:00:34,005 --> 00:00:36,085 I don't have to say it every week. Mm-Hmm. . 13 00:00:36,465 --> 00:00:38,285 But I still find myself saying it every week. 14 00:00:38,285 --> 00:00:39,165 - Yeah, you do. Yeah. 15 00:00:39,165 --> 00:00:40,245 - That's not what we're here about though. 16 00:00:40,305 --> 00:00:43,125 No. Now this week we're answering a question from a ster 17 00:00:43,125 --> 00:00:45,725 who wants to be authentic with their non kinky friend, 18 00:00:46,145 --> 00:00:47,725 but they're not sure if it's possible. 19 00:00:47,945 --> 00:00:50,605 Mm. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. 20 00:00:50,865 --> 00:00:52,805 If you're new here, we help ster like you have happy, 21 00:00:52,805 --> 00:00:53,965 healthy power exchange relationships. 22 00:00:54,425 --> 00:00:56,165 Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app 23 00:00:56,165 --> 00:00:57,525 so you never miss an episode. 24 00:00:57,785 --> 00:00:59,125 And if you'd like us to answer one 25 00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:00,885 of your questions in an upcoming episode, 26 00:01:00,905 --> 00:01:03,765 we have a contact page called Ask your Questions on our 27 00:01:03,765 --> 00:01:05,925 website@lovingbdsm.net. 28 00:01:05,925 --> 00:01:08,165 That's loving bdsm.net 29 00:01:08,545 --> 00:01:10,285 and in the show notes for this episode. 30 00:01:10,755 --> 00:01:13,205 Okay. Let's get right into this question. All right. 31 00:01:13,225 --> 00:01:15,525 It says, I'm currently struggling in a friendship 32 00:01:15,525 --> 00:01:17,205 and wondered if y'all had any insight. 33 00:01:17,595 --> 00:01:20,405 This is a fairly new, less than a year friendship 34 00:01:20,405 --> 00:01:22,005 where we started out very fast 35 00:01:22,025 --> 00:01:23,445 and connected right off the bat. 36 00:01:23,885 --> 00:01:26,685 I shared with her 27 female that I'm into kink 37 00:01:26,685 --> 00:01:28,845 and l dom sub power exchange relationship. 38 00:01:29,215 --> 00:01:31,405 There have been a few conversations that haven't sat right 39 00:01:31,405 --> 00:01:32,685 with me, and since I've taken, 40 00:01:32,985 --> 00:01:34,405 and since then, 41 00:01:34,635 --> 00:01:36,765 I've taken a far step back from the relationship 42 00:01:37,315 --> 00:01:38,485 outside of these talks. 43 00:01:38,485 --> 00:01:40,045 There have been other air quote, 44 00:01:40,045 --> 00:01:41,965 vanilla conflicts that we have had as well. 45 00:01:42,505 --> 00:01:44,125 We did a big sit down about a month 46 00:01:44,125 --> 00:01:46,445 or so ago where we talked about all of the above. 47 00:01:46,915 --> 00:01:49,085 However, after processing that conversation, 48 00:01:49,245 --> 00:01:51,365 I still have the red flag waving in 49 00:01:51,365 --> 00:01:52,445 front of my face with her. 50 00:01:53,065 --> 00:01:54,205 I'm an anxious introvert 51 00:01:54,225 --> 00:01:56,405 and an in-person community is something I desire. 52 00:01:56,585 --> 00:01:57,845 I'm currently working my way there. 53 00:01:58,255 --> 00:02:00,445 Being able to be authentic is important to me, 54 00:02:00,505 --> 00:02:03,165 and being able to share with my friend is also important. 55 00:02:03,355 --> 00:02:04,355 What do y'all think? 56 00:02:05,845 --> 00:02:08,725 - Hmm. - I think you don't ignore waving 57 00:02:08,945 --> 00:02:10,045 red flags is what I 58 00:02:10,045 --> 00:02:11,045 - Think. 59 00:02:11,045 --> 00:02:15,085 No. Um, from the outside, just reading, you know, 60 00:02:15,395 --> 00:02:19,965 hearing what this person wrote, um, it, 61 00:02:20,025 --> 00:02:21,125 it doesn't sound good. 62 00:02:22,025 --> 00:02:23,645 - No. I'm so curious. 63 00:02:23,885 --> 00:02:26,365 I wanna be really nosy and go, Ooh, what were the issues 64 00:02:26,425 --> 00:02:28,045 and what was that conversation like? 65 00:02:28,045 --> 00:02:31,725 Yeah. And what exactly is their response? Is it Mm-Hmm. 66 00:02:31,765 --> 00:02:33,805 verbal, and they're saying That's wrong. 67 00:02:33,805 --> 00:02:36,165 That's bad. Is it more of a vibe? 68 00:02:36,165 --> 00:02:38,525 Because either way you're getting a sense 69 00:02:38,525 --> 00:02:39,645 of something Mm-Hmm. 70 00:02:39,685 --> 00:02:42,525 and you're responding to that intuitive sense. 71 00:02:42,955 --> 00:02:46,485 - Yeah. I mean, it's, it's tough when you are talking about, 72 00:02:47,545 --> 00:02:50,045 you know, somebody who is in the lifestyle as opposed 73 00:02:50,065 --> 00:02:51,365 to somebody who is not. 74 00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:56,445 And, and kind of trying to bring those two worlds together. 75 00:02:56,585 --> 00:02:59,325 Mm-Hmm. . Um, it can be tough 76 00:02:59,325 --> 00:03:01,365 because you never know 77 00:03:01,365 --> 00:03:03,525 how the other person is going to react. 78 00:03:03,735 --> 00:03:07,805 - Right. And that's the, it's the hard thing 79 00:03:07,865 --> 00:03:09,045 and it's the important thing. 80 00:03:09,105 --> 00:03:10,765 Mm-Hmm. how they react 81 00:03:11,215 --> 00:03:12,565 tells you what you need to know. 82 00:03:12,635 --> 00:03:15,605 Yeah. Either maybe you can agree to disagree 83 00:03:15,605 --> 00:03:19,245 and you just keep this part of your life separate 84 00:03:19,875 --> 00:03:21,165 with your relationship with them, 85 00:03:21,905 --> 00:03:24,925 or you discover that they're maybe not as great 86 00:03:24,925 --> 00:03:26,325 as you thought they were and they're kind 87 00:03:26,325 --> 00:03:27,565 of a judgmental asshole. 88 00:03:27,565 --> 00:03:28,765 Mm-Hmm. . And maybe 89 00:03:29,265 --> 00:03:32,165 that's not the best friendship for you to be involved in. 90 00:03:32,475 --> 00:03:35,765 Yeah. Either way, it kind of sucks and it can hurt a lot. 91 00:03:35,925 --> 00:03:37,765 I mean, let's not minimize the very real 92 00:03:37,765 --> 00:03:38,965 feelings and emotions Sure. 93 00:03:38,965 --> 00:03:43,005 That go into it. However, if you were saying to us, oh, 94 00:03:43,075 --> 00:03:44,965 there's definitely a red flag here. 95 00:03:45,115 --> 00:03:48,085 Yeah. And also, you know, they're, they're being a, 96 00:03:48,235 --> 00:03:50,165 they're acting sort of similarly, 97 00:03:50,165 --> 00:03:52,045 even in non kink related stuff. 98 00:03:52,485 --> 00:03:53,565 I feel like you already 99 00:03:54,745 --> 00:03:55,745 - No, no. 100 00:03:55,745 --> 00:03:57,445 Yes. The answer at that point. Yeah. 101 00:03:57,465 --> 00:03:59,165 It, it does kind of seem that way. 102 00:03:59,825 --> 00:04:04,565 You know, un unfortunately, when it comes to, um, you know, 103 00:04:04,675 --> 00:04:09,245 revealing a, a kink side to somebody not in lifestyle, 104 00:04:09,465 --> 00:04:10,765 it, it can be tough 105 00:04:10,765 --> 00:04:15,045 because, you know, you're, you're going to get one 106 00:04:15,045 --> 00:04:16,925 of several reactions, you know? 107 00:04:18,065 --> 00:04:20,965 Oh, really? I've been curious about it myself. 108 00:04:21,105 --> 00:04:23,725 That's the ideal reaction. That's the ideal reaction. 109 00:04:24,145 --> 00:04:27,925 You know, the, the next ideal reaction is, yeah, 110 00:04:28,165 --> 00:04:30,845 I know about it, but it's not my thing. Right. 111 00:04:30,985 --> 00:04:33,045 - I'm, it's like, that's fine if it's your thing, 112 00:04:33,105 --> 00:04:34,685 but yeah, I'm not interested. 113 00:04:35,385 --> 00:04:38,085 - You know, and, and then of course, you know, 114 00:04:38,085 --> 00:04:39,485 then you have the reaction of 115 00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,115 - Lola agrees. 116 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,805 - Lola agrees, , um, you know, you, you have 117 00:04:45,805 --> 00:04:50,085 that reaction of, you know, I'm, oh, 118 00:04:50,145 --> 00:04:51,525 I'm familiar with that stuff. 119 00:04:52,355 --> 00:04:55,525 What is that crazy thing? You're into . 120 00:04:57,095 --> 00:04:58,095 - Right. - And then 121 00:04:58,095 --> 00:04:59,485 - There's the, oh my God, that's awful. 122 00:04:59,785 --> 00:05:02,805 Yes. You're, it's dangerous. You're sick. Mm-Hmm. 123 00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:04,205 , you're a weirdo that's abusive. 124 00:05:04,465 --> 00:05:08,125 You're not, you know, if, if, uh, feminism is your brain, 125 00:05:08,125 --> 00:05:09,365 you're not a real feminist. 126 00:05:09,365 --> 00:05:11,365 Like, there Yes. There's all the judgmental 127 00:05:11,765 --> 00:05:12,845 - Negative responses. 128 00:05:12,845 --> 00:05:14,925 I mean, you know, it's, it's kind of a crapshoot Yeah. 129 00:05:14,945 --> 00:05:16,565 In a situation like that, it, 130 00:05:16,675 --> 00:05:19,005 it's no different than coming out to family. 131 00:05:19,655 --> 00:05:21,525 - Right. I mean, we've had this conversation 132 00:05:21,525 --> 00:05:24,085 before of it's a personal decision if you tell 133 00:05:24,085 --> 00:05:25,325 friends or family Mm-Hmm. 134 00:05:25,365 --> 00:05:26,485 that your kinky 135 00:05:26,745 --> 00:05:29,845 and I as a very non-confrontational kind of person 136 00:05:30,265 --> 00:05:31,725 who doesn't feel like being judged 137 00:05:31,785 --> 00:05:33,125 by people who don't have to live my life. 138 00:05:33,265 --> 00:05:35,485 My response is always, but do you have to tell them 139 00:05:35,845 --> 00:05:36,125 - ? Yeah. 140 00:05:36,425 --> 00:05:38,245 - And it's a, it's a personal choice, 141 00:05:38,345 --> 00:05:41,045 and everybody gets to decide for themselves if it's right. 142 00:05:41,065 --> 00:05:44,325 And important for them, you know, to tell friends 143 00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:46,125 and family about their kink life. 144 00:05:46,185 --> 00:05:48,565 And in this case, clearly that's important. Mm-Hmm. 145 00:05:48,605 --> 00:05:49,765 . I'm just the one who's like, yeah, 146 00:05:49,825 --> 00:05:51,005 I'd rather not talk about it that way. 147 00:05:51,005 --> 00:05:53,205 Right. I don't have to worry about your judgmental . 148 00:05:54,715 --> 00:05:58,285 - Yeah. I mean, years ago, you know, just kind of a, 149 00:05:58,405 --> 00:06:01,965 a case in point, somewhat similar years ago, uh, 150 00:06:02,275 --> 00:06:07,245 when I came out as bisexual, um, you know, and, 151 00:06:07,345 --> 00:06:09,445 and this was to the kink community. 152 00:06:09,445 --> 00:06:13,605 Mm-Hmm. . Um, you know, I had people 153 00:06:13,605 --> 00:06:16,525 that were like, yeah, okay, I can see that. 154 00:06:16,585 --> 00:06:19,885 That's, you know, and, um, then there were others in, 155 00:06:20,025 --> 00:06:22,765 in the kink community that were like, oh, 156 00:06:22,905 --> 00:06:23,965 you're, you're that. 157 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:25,605 Right. And never saw 158 00:06:25,605 --> 00:06:27,365 and heard from them again. Right. Because, 159 00:06:27,985 --> 00:06:29,725 - Uh, judgmental people exist Yeah. 160 00:06:29,725 --> 00:06:31,725 In every walk of life. Uh, right. 161 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,965 Kink is just a cross section of humanity. Mm-Hmm. 162 00:06:34,085 --> 00:06:36,445 . Um, and so here's the thing. 163 00:06:36,845 --> 00:06:39,165 Ultimately, you know the answer. Yeah. 164 00:06:39,165 --> 00:06:41,405 You are seeing red flags. Mm-Hmm. 165 00:06:41,445 --> 00:06:44,565 , um, you're already having other conflicts in 166 00:06:46,385 --> 00:06:47,725 non kink situations. 167 00:06:48,585 --> 00:06:51,805 So only you can decide is the, is it time 168 00:06:51,805 --> 00:06:53,165 for a friendship breakup? 169 00:06:53,165 --> 00:06:56,525 Mm-Hmm. , or is it time to compartmentalize 170 00:06:57,065 --> 00:07:01,005 who this friend is to me and what they're allowed to know, 171 00:07:01,225 --> 00:07:02,845 or what I'm going to share with them? 172 00:07:02,845 --> 00:07:06,125 Mm-Hmm. . And at this point, that that may be, 173 00:07:06,225 --> 00:07:09,205 you know, you've gone too far. 174 00:07:09,385 --> 00:07:11,845 And what I mean by that is they know just enough that, 175 00:07:12,155 --> 00:07:14,205 that maybe you are not so comfortable 176 00:07:14,205 --> 00:07:16,805 with them even being part of your life in any form. 177 00:07:17,425 --> 00:07:19,325 Um, and it's painful. 178 00:07:19,455 --> 00:07:23,325 Maybe it's not as painful as a relationship, you know, 179 00:07:23,375 --> 00:07:26,325 power exchange or romantic relationship breakup. 180 00:07:27,165 --> 00:07:28,405 I got myself choked up there, . 181 00:07:28,785 --> 00:07:30,405 But it is, it is painful. 182 00:07:30,505 --> 00:07:34,045 And it, and I would not blame you for wanting to avoid it, 183 00:07:34,385 --> 00:07:38,085 but if it is important to you to be your authentic self, 184 00:07:38,665 --> 00:07:41,485 and you are potentially spending time with somebody 185 00:07:41,505 --> 00:07:43,845 who cannot accept your authentic self. 186 00:07:43,845 --> 00:07:45,885 Mm-Hmm. , then what are we doing here? Right. 187 00:07:45,885 --> 00:07:48,005 The pain of the breakup, the friend breakup 188 00:07:48,585 --> 00:07:51,525 is gonna be a lot less than whatever bullshit comes your 189 00:07:51,525 --> 00:07:52,685 way because of their 190 00:07:52,785 --> 00:07:54,045 - Bad actions road down the road. 191 00:07:54,315 --> 00:07:57,525 Yeah. Um, yeah. 192 00:07:57,685 --> 00:08:00,165 I I I don't know what else to really say about it. 193 00:08:00,365 --> 00:08:02,605 I mean, it's, it's, you know, just from 194 00:08:02,605 --> 00:08:06,565 what I'm reading here, um, doesn't sound too good. 195 00:08:06,905 --> 00:08:09,845 - No. And I think that there's a couple things here and, 196 00:08:09,905 --> 00:08:11,685 and the person who sent this question in, 197 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,085 I'm maintaining their anonymity, 198 00:08:13,085 --> 00:08:16,205 but I, we've interacted, I I know stuff about them 199 00:08:16,405 --> 00:08:17,325 'cause they're part of our community 200 00:08:17,425 --> 00:08:18,005 and we've talked before. 201 00:08:18,005 --> 00:08:21,525 Mm-Hmm. , you are slowly making your way into 202 00:08:21,525 --> 00:08:22,645 the in-person community, 203 00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:26,285 which means there's a better than good chance you're gonna 204 00:08:26,315 --> 00:08:27,645 make kink friends. 205 00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:30,005 Yeah. Who you don't really have to hide who you are. Mm-Hmm. 206 00:08:30,045 --> 00:08:31,245 . And you might, you know, have boundaries. 207 00:08:31,305 --> 00:08:32,845 Of course. Please have boundaries. Yeah. 208 00:08:32,865 --> 00:08:34,245 But they're gonna know you're kinky 209 00:08:34,245 --> 00:08:37,325 because you meant you met at a munch or a Mm-Hmm. 210 00:08:37,365 --> 00:08:38,525 play party or a 211 00:08:38,725 --> 00:08:39,725 - Workshop. 212 00:08:39,725 --> 00:08:41,085 A workshop or a social or something. Yes. It's 213 00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:42,165 - Gonna be a part of your life. 214 00:08:42,225 --> 00:08:43,405 You don't have to hide 215 00:08:43,645 --> 00:08:45,965 because you met them in that part of your life. 216 00:08:45,985 --> 00:08:48,445 Mm-Hmm. . So there's that to, to consider 217 00:08:48,465 --> 00:08:50,365 and to realize that, you know, 218 00:08:50,505 --> 00:08:53,405 having this immediate connection with somebody chemistry 219 00:08:54,225 --> 00:08:55,525 is, uh, nice. 220 00:08:55,835 --> 00:08:58,085 It's alluring. It will suck you in, 221 00:08:58,085 --> 00:09:00,325 but you can have chemistry with somebody who's bad 222 00:09:00,325 --> 00:09:01,485 for you. Yeah. You 223 00:09:01,485 --> 00:09:02,525 - Know, . Yeah. It's 224 00:09:02,555 --> 00:09:03,555 - Very possible. 225 00:09:03,555 --> 00:09:05,485 Yeah. Um, yeah. So just keep that in mind. 226 00:09:05,665 --> 00:09:09,645 The other thing is that I think if it's important 227 00:09:09,675 --> 00:09:12,045 that your non kink friends have a sense of 228 00:09:12,065 --> 00:09:13,085 who you are, right? 229 00:09:13,285 --> 00:09:15,565 Mm-Hmm. . And you want them to understand 230 00:09:16,155 --> 00:09:18,205 this part of your life, even just minimally. 231 00:09:18,205 --> 00:09:20,445 Like, just to know you're in a power exchange. 232 00:09:20,465 --> 00:09:22,285 So if they see something about your relationship 233 00:09:22,285 --> 00:09:24,525 that they don't understand, they've got context. 234 00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:27,925 I think you broached the subject, the way you broach it 235 00:09:27,925 --> 00:09:30,325 with anybody, including, 'cause we get this question a lot. 236 00:09:30,865 --> 00:09:33,205 I'm kinky, but I've met a non kinky person. 237 00:09:33,265 --> 00:09:35,085 How do I tell them I'm kinky? Mm-Hmm. 238 00:09:35,125 --> 00:09:38,645 start with hypotheticals. 239 00:09:38,865 --> 00:09:42,325 So what do you think of kin? What do you think of Yeah. 240 00:09:42,835 --> 00:09:45,805 This activity? Have you ever heard of power exchange 241 00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:49,405 and get their initial right reaction if their initial 242 00:09:49,725 --> 00:09:51,565 reaction is judgmental and negative? 243 00:09:51,565 --> 00:09:53,805 Yeah. You know, they're not a safe person to open up 244 00:09:53,865 --> 00:09:55,525 - To that, that that's a very good point. 245 00:09:55,785 --> 00:09:57,245 Um, you know. Yeah. 246 00:09:57,385 --> 00:10:00,725 And, and you wanna avoid going into it saying things like, 247 00:10:01,145 --> 00:10:03,245 you know, yeah, this is what I'm into. 248 00:10:03,245 --> 00:10:04,605 This is what I like. Mm-Hmm. 249 00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:08,605 , you know, kind of address it like, 250 00:10:08,715 --> 00:10:11,005 like Kayla just said, you know, 251 00:10:11,275 --> 00:10:14,765 what are your thoughts about such and such? 252 00:10:14,765 --> 00:10:18,765 Right. You know, that way Boyd, in that 253 00:10:19,635 --> 00:10:20,685 hopefully, you know, 254 00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:24,045 you get an honest opinion rather than judgment back. 255 00:10:24,295 --> 00:10:26,645 - Right. Or you at least get a sense of 256 00:10:26,675 --> 00:10:27,925 what their reaction would be. 257 00:10:27,925 --> 00:10:29,725 Mm-Hmm. , which tells you, do I go further in 258 00:10:29,725 --> 00:10:31,405 this conversation now or later? 259 00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:34,445 Do I back off? And now I kind of know 260 00:10:34,445 --> 00:10:36,285 that this is not a person currently. 261 00:10:36,285 --> 00:10:39,605 Mm-Hmm. that I can, you know, safely explain 262 00:10:39,625 --> 00:10:40,645 who I am and then 263 00:10:40,645 --> 00:10:42,445 that can decide the direction the 264 00:10:42,445 --> 00:10:43,725 friendship goes in, you know? 265 00:10:44,345 --> 00:10:47,245 Um, but I think that we talk about doing that 266 00:10:47,245 --> 00:10:48,245 with romantic partners. 267 00:10:48,245 --> 00:10:49,485 It is no different with 268 00:10:49,555 --> 00:10:52,565 with friends if we haven't met them in a kink context. 269 00:10:52,705 --> 00:10:55,005 Mm-Hmm. if we haven't seen them 270 00:10:55,025 --> 00:10:58,605 or heard them talking about those kinds of things already, 271 00:10:58,785 --> 00:11:01,125 and we don't know their stance on it, start 272 00:11:01,125 --> 00:11:02,405 with hypotheticals, you know? 273 00:11:02,405 --> 00:11:05,685 Mm-Hmm. . I, I I definitely get 274 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:08,085 that desire when you connect with somebody 275 00:11:08,105 --> 00:11:10,045 to just fully connect. 276 00:11:10,395 --> 00:11:12,125 Yeah. Um, I don't, you know, 277 00:11:12,245 --> 00:11:14,685 I don't think you were wrong in approaching this friendship. 278 00:11:14,705 --> 00:11:17,245 You felt that chemistry and connection. Mm-Hmm. 279 00:11:17,285 --> 00:11:18,885 , you thought this was one 280 00:11:18,885 --> 00:11:20,205 of your people, right. 281 00:11:20,585 --> 00:11:22,085 And that you could just tell them something 282 00:11:22,145 --> 00:11:23,805 and now you're discovering Mm. 283 00:11:23,815 --> 00:11:25,285 Maybe not. And it's not 284 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:28,845 because they're necessarily a bad person, it just means that 285 00:11:29,595 --> 00:11:32,485 it's not a complete fit based on what you need. 286 00:11:32,545 --> 00:11:35,565 And what you need is what's important here. Yeah. 287 00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:38,045 If this friend does not feel like a safe friend, both 288 00:11:38,705 --> 00:11:40,605 in kink ways and non kink ways, 289 00:11:41,355 --> 00:11:43,965 they're either not worth your time at all 290 00:11:44,385 --> 00:11:46,365 or they have to be compartmentalized. 291 00:11:46,365 --> 00:11:47,445 Mm-Hmm. , they have to be the, 292 00:11:47,675 --> 00:11:49,525 this is the friend I go do that thing with. 293 00:11:49,525 --> 00:11:51,205 This is the friend I see in this place, 294 00:11:51,385 --> 00:11:53,845 but Yeah, I, I'm not gonna tell them certain things. 295 00:11:53,945 --> 00:11:56,085 And if that's not the kind of friendship you want, 296 00:11:56,085 --> 00:11:57,365 that is also okay. 297 00:11:57,905 --> 00:12:00,765 It just means that instead of trying to convince yourself 298 00:12:00,995 --> 00:12:03,205 that you're not feeling something that you clearly are, 299 00:12:03,205 --> 00:12:05,285 you're not seeing something that you clearly are, 300 00:12:05,705 --> 00:12:09,045 you then have to go, okay, is it a breakup? 301 00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:12,605 Is it a I'll just withdraw and they'll naturally withdraw? 302 00:12:12,635 --> 00:12:14,205 What, what is it we're doing here? 303 00:12:14,705 --> 00:12:16,005 But your comfort 304 00:12:16,305 --> 00:12:18,565 and your need to be seen fully 305 00:12:18,625 --> 00:12:21,205 as the person you are is valid. 306 00:12:21,225 --> 00:12:22,765 Mm-Hmm. . It doesn't matter what I would do, 307 00:12:22,765 --> 00:12:24,525 what JB would do, how we handle it. 308 00:12:24,595 --> 00:12:25,725 I'll tell you how I handle it. 309 00:12:26,375 --> 00:12:27,965 Other than a couple of friends I had 310 00:12:27,965 --> 00:12:29,725 before, I figured out I was kinky. 311 00:12:30,225 --> 00:12:33,045 Any friend I have now is a kink friend. They know I'm kinky. 312 00:12:33,045 --> 00:12:34,725 They usually don't even know my legal name. 313 00:12:34,725 --> 00:12:36,205 They know me as Kayla Lord . 314 00:12:36,205 --> 00:12:38,205 It's like, it's just easier for me. 315 00:12:38,405 --> 00:12:40,445 'cause I don't want to have those conversations. Yeah. 316 00:12:40,505 --> 00:12:44,885 And I don't want to deal with misperceptions and judgment 317 00:12:45,105 --> 00:12:50,045 and all the stuff that can come with a non-kin person 318 00:12:50,185 --> 00:12:52,485 who thinks it's all bad and disgusting. 319 00:12:52,565 --> 00:12:54,645 I just, I don't wanna put my energy into that. 320 00:12:54,645 --> 00:12:56,285 That's a choice I make. Mm-Hmm. 321 00:12:56,325 --> 00:12:57,725 the choice you make is 322 00:12:57,725 --> 00:12:59,005 different and it's valid. 323 00:12:59,505 --> 00:13:03,565 And seek out the non kinky friends, you know, when Yeah. 324 00:13:03,565 --> 00:13:05,205 When you feel that pull towards another 325 00:13:05,205 --> 00:13:07,445 person, lean into it. 326 00:13:07,515 --> 00:13:12,365 Just modify how you express 327 00:13:12,385 --> 00:13:14,125 who you are so that you know you're doing it 328 00:13:14,125 --> 00:13:16,365 to a person who's worthy of having 329 00:13:16,365 --> 00:13:17,445 that knowledge about value. 330 00:13:17,445 --> 00:13:19,085 Mm-Hmm. . Because there is something scary 331 00:13:19,095 --> 00:13:21,565 about a person knowing your legal name, 332 00:13:21,655 --> 00:13:23,365 where you live, where you work. 333 00:13:23,365 --> 00:13:25,725 Mm-Hmm. , you know, the legal names 334 00:13:25,785 --> 00:13:26,925 of your family and 335 00:13:26,925 --> 00:13:30,045 or friends sitting in judgment for your kink life. 336 00:13:30,045 --> 00:13:32,525 Like that can be a very real fear to have 337 00:13:32,525 --> 00:13:34,525 because some people are like assholes. 338 00:13:34,525 --> 00:13:35,645 Mm-Hmm. . And they will out you 339 00:13:36,425 --> 00:13:37,925 for whatever their purposes are. 340 00:13:38,065 --> 00:13:42,205 So if this person is not, does not feel safe as a friend 341 00:13:42,225 --> 00:13:44,645 to know who you are, pull back 342 00:13:45,145 --> 00:13:47,245 and then the next time this opportunity comes up 343 00:13:47,245 --> 00:13:51,085 with somebody else, just ease into it maybe in a slightly 344 00:13:51,085 --> 00:13:52,685 different way than maybe you did this first time 345 00:13:52,945 --> 00:13:54,805 to make sure they're safe to know that about you. 346 00:13:54,945 --> 00:13:57,605 Mm-Hmm. . And I hope that you are able 347 00:13:57,625 --> 00:14:01,085 to bring in your non kink friends into this knowledge 348 00:14:01,145 --> 00:14:03,325 and you know, it be one of those things 349 00:14:03,325 --> 00:14:05,485 of not something I would do, not something I like, 350 00:14:05,505 --> 00:14:06,525 but I'm happy for you. 351 00:14:06,525 --> 00:14:08,805 Right. Right. That's the kind of thing you want. Yeah. 352 00:14:08,805 --> 00:14:09,885 They don't have to embrace it and 353 00:14:09,885 --> 00:14:11,005 want to be kinky themselves. 354 00:14:11,795 --> 00:14:13,485 They just have to want you 355 00:14:13,485 --> 00:14:15,045 to be happy and to be happy for you. 356 00:14:15,045 --> 00:14:16,045 Mm-Hmm. . And those are 357 00:14:16,045 --> 00:14:17,125 the friends you wanna seek out. 358 00:14:17,515 --> 00:14:20,285 Yeah. Regardless of kink versus non kink. Mm-Hmm. 359 00:14:20,325 --> 00:14:21,885 - . And the only other thing I'd like 360 00:14:21,885 --> 00:14:25,485 to add is I, I know it can be very scary taking 361 00:14:25,515 --> 00:14:29,365 that first step to, uh, you know, attend a munch 362 00:14:29,425 --> 00:14:31,485 or some kind of lifestyle function 363 00:14:32,225 --> 00:14:35,445 and, you know, toss into the mix, you know that 364 00:14:36,865 --> 00:14:39,685 you're an introvert makes it even harder. 365 00:14:39,825 --> 00:14:41,285 Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . 366 00:14:41,285 --> 00:14:44,005 Um, but in the long run, once you do it, 367 00:14:44,185 --> 00:14:45,325 it can be well worth it 368 00:14:45,325 --> 00:14:49,005 because, you know, being in a group of people who 369 00:14:49,785 --> 00:14:51,640 accept you for, for who you are, 370 00:14:52,175 --> 00:14:55,525 being your authentic self goes a long way. 371 00:14:56,485 --> 00:14:59,725 - Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. 372 00:15:00,325 --> 00:15:03,165 I think that's all we have to say about that. Yeah. Mm-Hmm. 373 00:15:03,205 --> 00:15:05,925 , um, if you have thoughts on this, 374 00:15:06,065 --> 00:15:07,125 we would love to hear it. 375 00:15:07,625 --> 00:15:10,445 Uh, reach out, comment, all that good stuff. 376 00:15:11,065 --> 00:15:13,565 Um, because we all have our own experiences with this. 377 00:15:13,745 --> 00:15:16,165 And just because I'm the one that's like, no, no, 378 00:15:16,425 --> 00:15:19,645 I'm not telling the non kink people about me myself 379 00:15:19,835 --> 00:15:21,045 doesn't mean that's the way to go. 380 00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:22,685 That's just how I handle it. Mm-Hmm. . 381 00:15:22,825 --> 00:15:24,845 Um, so yeah, especially if you've ever gone 382 00:15:24,845 --> 00:15:29,285 through something like this, please share your experience 383 00:15:29,625 --> 00:15:31,285 so we can all learn from one another. 384 00:15:31,385 --> 00:15:32,605 Mm-Hmm, . Okay. 385 00:15:33,225 --> 00:15:35,525 Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. 386 00:15:35,585 --> 00:15:37,245 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 387 00:15:37,315 --> 00:15:40,445 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, 388 00:15:40,625 --> 00:15:42,165 or you can find the link in the show notes. 389 00:15:42,545 --> 00:15:45,005 Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon, 390 00:15:45,135 --> 00:15:47,565 we're able to do this podcast and keep it going 391 00:15:47,565 --> 00:15:49,405 and help Sters due to your support. 392 00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:51,525 If you'd like to be part of our community 393 00:15:51,525 --> 00:15:52,805 and get access to extra content 394 00:15:52,905 --> 00:15:55,005 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 395 00:15:55,005 --> 00:15:56,605 super nice kink sters, you can do that. 396 00:15:56,755 --> 00:15:59,325 Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. 397 00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:01,885 That's patreon.com/kayla lords, 398 00:16:01,905 --> 00:16:03,125 or use the link in the show notes.