- You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast.
Kayla The Lord's here. We're the one, the only, the
I've got nothing, uh, exciting
or interesting to say beyond You
need caffeine, John Brownstone.
- Yes, I do. - I know I say that every week though. Yeah.
Like, it's, it's like, it's a, it's a given
- True, true.
- That we are both addicted to caffeine
and we'll never be able to have enough.
- Correct. - It's just always true.
I don't have to say it every week. Mm-Hmm. .
But I still find myself saying it every week.
- Yeah, you do. Yeah.
- That's not what we're here about though.
No. Now this week we're answering a question from a ster
who wants to be authentic with their non kinky friend,
but they're not sure if it's possible.
Mm. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
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Okay. Let's get right into this question. All right.
It says, I'm currently struggling in a friendship
and wondered if y'all had any insight.
This is a fairly new, less than a year friendship
where we started out very fast
and connected right off the bat.
I shared with her 27 female that I'm into kink
and l dom sub power exchange relationship.
There have been a few conversations that haven't sat right
with me, and since I've taken,
and since then,
I've taken a far step back from the relationship
outside of these talks.
There have been other air quote,
vanilla conflicts that we have had as well.
We did a big sit down about a month
or so ago where we talked about all of the above.
However, after processing that conversation,
I still have the red flag waving in
front of my face with her.
I'm an anxious introvert
and an in-person community is something I desire.
I'm currently working my way there.
Being able to be authentic is important to me,
and being able to share with my friend is also important.
What do y'all think?
- Hmm. - I think you don't ignore waving
red flags is what I
- Think.
No. Um, from the outside, just reading, you know,
hearing what this person wrote, um, it,
it doesn't sound good.
- No. I'm so curious.
I wanna be really nosy and go, Ooh, what were the issues
and what was that conversation like?
Yeah. And what exactly is their response? Is it Mm-Hmm.
verbal, and they're saying That's wrong.
That's bad. Is it more of a vibe?
Because either way you're getting a sense
of something Mm-Hmm.
and you're responding to that intuitive sense.
- Yeah. I mean, it's, it's tough when you are talking about,
you know, somebody who is in the lifestyle as opposed
to somebody who is not.
And, and kind of trying to bring those two worlds together.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, it can be tough
because you never know
how the other person is going to react.
- Right. And that's the, it's the hard thing
and it's the important thing.
Mm-Hmm. how they react
tells you what you need to know.
Yeah. Either maybe you can agree to disagree
and you just keep this part of your life separate
with your relationship with them,
or you discover that they're maybe not as great
as you thought they were and they're kind
of a judgmental asshole.
Mm-Hmm. . And maybe
that's not the best friendship for you to be involved in.
Yeah. Either way, it kind of sucks and it can hurt a lot.
I mean, let's not minimize the very real
feelings and emotions Sure.
That go into it. However, if you were saying to us, oh,
there's definitely a red flag here.
Yeah. And also, you know, they're, they're being a,
they're acting sort of similarly,
even in non kink related stuff.
I feel like you already
- No, no.
Yes. The answer at that point. Yeah.
It, it does kind of seem that way.
You know, un unfortunately, when it comes to, um, you know,
revealing a, a kink side to somebody not in lifestyle,
it, it can be tough
because, you know, you're, you're going to get one
of several reactions, you know?
Oh, really? I've been curious about it myself.
That's the ideal reaction. That's the ideal reaction.
You know, the, the next ideal reaction is, yeah,
I know about it, but it's not my thing. Right.
- I'm, it's like, that's fine if it's your thing,
but yeah, I'm not interested.
- You know, and, and then of course, you know,
then you have the reaction of
- Lola agrees.
- Lola agrees, , um, you know, you, you have
that reaction of, you know, I'm, oh,
I'm familiar with that stuff.
What is that crazy thing? You're into .
- Right. - And then
- There's the, oh my God, that's awful.
Yes. You're, it's dangerous. You're sick. Mm-Hmm.
, you're a weirdo that's abusive.
You're not, you know, if, if, uh, feminism is your brain,
you're not a real feminist.
Like, there Yes. There's all the judgmental
- Negative responses.
I mean, you know, it's, it's kind of a crapshoot Yeah.
In a situation like that, it,
it's no different than coming out to family.
- Right. I mean, we've had this conversation
before of it's a personal decision if you tell
friends or family Mm-Hmm.
that your kinky
and I as a very non-confrontational kind of person
who doesn't feel like being judged
by people who don't have to live my life.
My response is always, but do you have to tell them
- ? Yeah.
- And it's a, it's a personal choice,
and everybody gets to decide for themselves if it's right.
And important for them, you know, to tell friends
and family about their kink life.
And in this case, clearly that's important. Mm-Hmm.
. I'm just the one who's like, yeah,
I'd rather not talk about it that way.
Right. I don't have to worry about your judgmental .
- Yeah. I mean, years ago, you know, just kind of a,
a case in point, somewhat similar years ago, uh,
when I came out as bisexual, um, you know, and,
and this was to the kink community.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, you know, I had people
that were like, yeah, okay, I can see that.
That's, you know, and, um, then there were others in,
in the kink community that were like, oh,
you're, you're that.
Right. And never saw
and heard from them again. Right. Because,
- Uh, judgmental people exist Yeah.
In every walk of life. Uh, right.
Kink is just a cross section of humanity. Mm-Hmm.
. Um, and so here's the thing.
Ultimately, you know the answer. Yeah.
You are seeing red flags. Mm-Hmm.
, um, you're already having other conflicts in
non kink situations.
So only you can decide is the, is it time
for a friendship breakup?
Mm-Hmm. , or is it time to compartmentalize
who this friend is to me and what they're allowed to know,
or what I'm going to share with them?
Mm-Hmm. . And at this point, that that may be,
you know, you've gone too far.
And what I mean by that is they know just enough that,
that maybe you are not so comfortable
with them even being part of your life in any form.
Um, and it's painful.
Maybe it's not as painful as a relationship, you know,
power exchange or romantic relationship breakup.
I got myself choked up there, .
But it is, it is painful.
And it, and I would not blame you for wanting to avoid it,
but if it is important to you to be your authentic self,
and you are potentially spending time with somebody
who cannot accept your authentic self.
Mm-Hmm. , then what are we doing here? Right.
The pain of the breakup, the friend breakup
is gonna be a lot less than whatever bullshit comes your
way because of their
- Bad actions road down the road.
Yeah. Um, yeah.
I I I don't know what else to really say about it.
I mean, it's, it's, you know, just from
what I'm reading here, um, doesn't sound too good.
- No. And I think that there's a couple things here and,
and the person who sent this question in,
I'm maintaining their anonymity,
but I, we've interacted, I I know stuff about them
'cause they're part of our community
and we've talked before.
Mm-Hmm. , you are slowly making your way into
the in-person community,
which means there's a better than good chance you're gonna
make kink friends.
Yeah. Who you don't really have to hide who you are. Mm-Hmm.
. And you might, you know, have boundaries.
Of course. Please have boundaries. Yeah.
But they're gonna know you're kinky
because you meant you met at a munch or a Mm-Hmm.
play party or a
- Workshop.
A workshop or a social or something. Yes. It's
- Gonna be a part of your life.
You don't have to hide
because you met them in that part of your life.
Mm-Hmm. . So there's that to, to consider
and to realize that, you know,
having this immediate connection with somebody chemistry
is, uh, nice.
It's alluring. It will suck you in,
but you can have chemistry with somebody who's bad
for you. Yeah. You
- Know, . Yeah. It's
- Very possible.
Yeah. Um, yeah. So just keep that in mind.
The other thing is that I think if it's important
that your non kink friends have a sense of
who you are, right?
Mm-Hmm. . And you want them to understand
this part of your life, even just minimally.
Like, just to know you're in a power exchange.
So if they see something about your relationship
that they don't understand, they've got context.
I think you broached the subject, the way you broach it
with anybody, including, 'cause we get this question a lot.
I'm kinky, but I've met a non kinky person.
How do I tell them I'm kinky? Mm-Hmm.
start with hypotheticals.
So what do you think of kin? What do you think of Yeah.
This activity? Have you ever heard of power exchange
and get their initial right reaction if their initial
reaction is judgmental and negative?
Yeah. You know, they're not a safe person to open up
- To that, that that's a very good point.
Um, you know. Yeah.
And, and you wanna avoid going into it saying things like,
you know, yeah, this is what I'm into.
This is what I like. Mm-Hmm.
, you know, kind of address it like,
like Kayla just said, you know,
what are your thoughts about such and such?
Right. You know, that way Boyd, in that
hopefully, you know,
you get an honest opinion rather than judgment back.
- Right. Or you at least get a sense of
what their reaction would be.
Mm-Hmm. , which tells you, do I go further in
this conversation now or later?
Do I back off? And now I kind of know
that this is not a person currently.
Mm-Hmm. that I can, you know, safely explain
who I am and then
that can decide the direction the
friendship goes in, you know?
Um, but I think that we talk about doing that
with romantic partners.
It is no different with
with friends if we haven't met them in a kink context.
Mm-Hmm. if we haven't seen them
or heard them talking about those kinds of things already,
and we don't know their stance on it, start
with hypotheticals, you know?
Mm-Hmm. . I, I I definitely get
that desire when you connect with somebody
to just fully connect.
Yeah. Um, I don't, you know,
I don't think you were wrong in approaching this friendship.
You felt that chemistry and connection. Mm-Hmm.
, you thought this was one
of your people, right.
And that you could just tell them something
and now you're discovering Mm.
Maybe not. And it's not
because they're necessarily a bad person, it just means that
it's not a complete fit based on what you need.
And what you need is what's important here. Yeah.
If this friend does not feel like a safe friend, both
in kink ways and non kink ways,
they're either not worth your time at all
or they have to be compartmentalized.
Mm-Hmm. , they have to be the,
this is the friend I go do that thing with.
This is the friend I see in this place,
but Yeah, I, I'm not gonna tell them certain things.
And if that's not the kind of friendship you want,
that is also okay.
It just means that instead of trying to convince yourself
that you're not feeling something that you clearly are,
you're not seeing something that you clearly are,
you then have to go, okay, is it a breakup?
Is it a I'll just withdraw and they'll naturally withdraw?
What, what is it we're doing here?
But your comfort
and your need to be seen fully
as the person you are is valid.
Mm-Hmm. . It doesn't matter what I would do,
what JB would do, how we handle it.
I'll tell you how I handle it.
Other than a couple of friends I had
before, I figured out I was kinky.
Any friend I have now is a kink friend. They know I'm kinky.
They usually don't even know my legal name.
They know me as Kayla Lord .
It's like, it's just easier for me.
'cause I don't want to have those conversations. Yeah.
And I don't want to deal with misperceptions and judgment
and all the stuff that can come with a non-kin person
who thinks it's all bad and disgusting.
I just, I don't wanna put my energy into that.
That's a choice I make. Mm-Hmm.
the choice you make is
different and it's valid.
And seek out the non kinky friends, you know, when Yeah.
When you feel that pull towards another
person, lean into it.
Just modify how you express
who you are so that you know you're doing it
to a person who's worthy of having
that knowledge about value.
Mm-Hmm. . Because there is something scary
about a person knowing your legal name,
where you live, where you work.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, the legal names
of your family and
or friends sitting in judgment for your kink life.
Like that can be a very real fear to have
because some people are like assholes.
Mm-Hmm. . And they will out you
for whatever their purposes are.
So if this person is not, does not feel safe as a friend
to know who you are, pull back
and then the next time this opportunity comes up
with somebody else, just ease into it maybe in a slightly
different way than maybe you did this first time
to make sure they're safe to know that about you.
Mm-Hmm. . And I hope that you are able
to bring in your non kink friends into this knowledge
and you know, it be one of those things
of not something I would do, not something I like,
but I'm happy for you.
Right. Right. That's the kind of thing you want. Yeah.
They don't have to embrace it and
want to be kinky themselves.
They just have to want you
to be happy and to be happy for you.
Mm-Hmm. . And those are
the friends you wanna seek out.
Yeah. Regardless of kink versus non kink. Mm-Hmm.
- . And the only other thing I'd like
to add is I, I know it can be very scary taking
that first step to, uh, you know, attend a munch
or some kind of lifestyle function
and, you know, toss into the mix, you know that
you're an introvert makes it even harder.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. .
Um, but in the long run, once you do it,
it can be well worth it
because, you know, being in a group of people who
accept you for, for who you are,
being your authentic self goes a long way.
- Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay.
I think that's all we have to say about that. Yeah. Mm-Hmm.
, um, if you have thoughts on this,
we would love to hear it.
Uh, reach out, comment, all that good stuff.
Um, because we all have our own experiences with this.
And just because I'm the one that's like, no, no,
I'm not telling the non kink people about me myself
doesn't mean that's the way to go.
That's just how I handle it. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, so yeah, especially if you've ever gone
through something like this, please share your experience
so we can all learn from one another.
Mm-Hmm, . Okay.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode.
If you want us to answer one of your questions,
just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the show notes.
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If you'd like to be part of our community
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and a Discord server with a group of super cool,
super nice kink sters, you can do that.
Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords.
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