1 00:00:10,545 --> 00:00:12,165 - You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast, 2 00:00:12,355 --> 00:00:13,765 episode 3 83. 3 00:00:13,875 --> 00:00:15,925 Okay. The Lord's here with the one, the only, the, 4 00:00:17,675 --> 00:00:19,005 there's never enough caffeine. 5 00:00:19,005 --> 00:00:21,085 We know you need more. You're probably exhausted. 6 00:00:21,085 --> 00:00:22,965 You didn't get enough sleep, John Brownstone. 7 00:00:23,475 --> 00:00:26,365 - Yeah. Not same day. You know, same shit every day. 8 00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:28,605 same shit every day. That's right. Yeah. 9 00:00:28,605 --> 00:00:30,925 There you go. See, I can't even get that out. 10 00:00:31,035 --> 00:00:33,125 - Something's never changed. - , . 11 00:00:34,905 --> 00:00:38,565 - Hey, look, I personally like, dependable, reliable. 12 00:00:38,845 --> 00:00:39,845 I know how it's gonna be. 13 00:00:39,945 --> 00:00:42,125 And even if that's that you're under caffeinated 14 00:00:42,225 --> 00:00:45,125 and overly tired, at least I know how to handle that. 15 00:00:45,565 --> 00:00:49,125 carefully is the answer. If you don't, . 16 00:00:49,875 --> 00:00:51,885 Yeah. It's a little bit like, uh, 17 00:00:51,905 --> 00:00:52,925 poking the sleeping and bear. 18 00:00:52,985 --> 00:00:54,445 You just, you gotta be careful of that. 19 00:00:54,625 --> 00:00:57,445 - Be careful. - So if I'm gonna poke him, 20 00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:59,845 I better have a coffee in the other hand, poke 21 00:00:59,845 --> 00:01:03,205 with one hand, offer the caffeine and the other . 22 00:01:04,155 --> 00:01:05,965 That is not at all what we're talking about 23 00:01:06,115 --> 00:01:07,245 this week, as usual. 24 00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:09,685 We've already gone off the rails. Yep. 25 00:01:10,035 --> 00:01:11,645 This week we're actually gonna do what I keep, 26 00:01:11,665 --> 00:01:14,085 my brain keeps calling like a state of the union. 27 00:01:14,435 --> 00:01:16,925 Yeah. But for our power exchange relationship, 28 00:01:17,255 --> 00:01:18,405 - State of the power exchange. 29 00:01:18,415 --> 00:01:21,205 - State of the power exchange. State of our power exchange. 30 00:01:21,235 --> 00:01:23,965 Yeah. Uh, we do not speak for all power exchanges. Mm-Hmm. 31 00:01:24,005 --> 00:01:26,285 , uh, your results will always vary. . 32 00:01:26,515 --> 00:01:28,045 Yeah. We're gonna, we're gonna 33 00:01:28,155 --> 00:01:29,325 kind of check in with one another. 34 00:01:30,105 --> 00:01:32,285 Uh, see how we're doing. Mm-Hmm. 35 00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:35,925 , uh, somehow, I think is 36 00:01:35,985 --> 00:01:38,085 as always gonna be a, a wild ride. 37 00:01:38,155 --> 00:01:41,125 Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. 38 00:01:41,355 --> 00:01:43,085 This is your first time listening. Glad to have you. 39 00:01:43,085 --> 00:01:44,605 If you're back for another week, welcome back. 40 00:01:44,665 --> 00:01:46,445 Loving B DSM is produced every Monday 41 00:01:46,445 --> 00:01:48,125 and Friday for your kinky pleasure and education. 42 00:01:48,125 --> 00:01:50,525 And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net. 43 00:01:50,995 --> 00:01:52,765 Come back often and feel free to add the podcast 44 00:01:52,865 --> 00:01:54,165 to your favorite podcast app. 45 00:01:54,425 --> 00:01:56,725 You can also follow the show on FetLife at Loving 46 00:01:57,315 --> 00:02:00,365 BDSM PC on Instagram and threads at that handle. 47 00:02:00,565 --> 00:02:04,285 I will forever fucking hate loving Ds in the number one, 48 00:02:04,345 --> 00:02:06,045 so at Loving DS one, 49 00:02:06,345 --> 00:02:09,365 or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving bdsm. 50 00:02:09,365 --> 00:02:11,885 Or you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. 51 00:02:12,345 --> 00:02:16,125 All links are in the show notes. Okay. Okay. 52 00:02:16,585 --> 00:02:19,565 So the first thing, I'm, we got a couple announcements. 53 00:02:19,565 --> 00:02:20,845 First one, I'm just gonna remind you, 54 00:02:21,295 --> 00:02:23,125 we're in the last week-ish, 55 00:02:23,125 --> 00:02:26,205 depending on when you listen slash watch slash whatever. 56 00:02:26,205 --> 00:02:29,005 This of our Patreon membership drive, uh, 57 00:02:29,025 --> 00:02:31,285 our Patreon community is literally sometimes 58 00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,085 what keeps the lights on and the cameras going. 59 00:02:33,305 --> 00:02:35,725 So if you've got it to spare 60 00:02:35,945 --> 00:02:39,605 and want to do it, consider joining us on Patreon. 61 00:02:39,945 --> 00:02:41,605 Um, if you join by February 15th, 62 00:02:41,605 --> 00:02:43,685 you'll get some fun little goodies in the mail. 63 00:02:44,115 --> 00:02:45,885 Late March, early April-ish. 64 00:02:46,465 --> 00:02:49,805 Um, if you join as an annual member, um, 65 00:02:50,025 --> 00:02:51,285 you get two months for free. 66 00:02:51,825 --> 00:02:53,605 Uh, if you join as a monthly member, 67 00:02:53,665 --> 00:02:54,885 you can cancel at any time. 68 00:02:54,885 --> 00:02:57,205 That's fine. You just to get the special stuff. 69 00:02:57,225 --> 00:03:00,445 You just have to be a paying member by February 15th, 2024. 70 00:03:01,065 --> 00:03:05,965 Um, and yeah, patreon.com/kill lords link in the places. 71 00:03:06,525 --> 00:03:09,685 I mean, I, I feel like I've said the Patreon link so often 72 00:03:10,115 --> 00:03:14,365 that anybody who's a a repeat person here is probably, 73 00:03:14,365 --> 00:03:16,285 could probably say it with me at this point. 74 00:03:16,765 --> 00:03:18,245 , uh, the next thing, 75 00:03:18,385 --> 00:03:20,885 and, uh, arguably one of the most important things 76 00:03:20,905 --> 00:03:22,845 of the day, Mm-Hmm, , is that I would like 77 00:03:22,845 --> 00:03:24,205 to thank our sponsor. 78 00:03:25,165 --> 00:03:28,245 Educated. Yay. Yay. We love education. Yeah. 79 00:03:28,495 --> 00:03:31,005 Especially about sex and kink. Yay. Mm-Hmm. . 80 00:03:31,385 --> 00:03:32,685 So, if you're not familiar with educated, 81 00:03:32,845 --> 00:03:33,725 'cause you're new here, and I 82 00:03:33,725 --> 00:03:34,685 haven't scared you off already. 83 00:03:35,105 --> 00:03:38,765 Uh, educated is an online learning platform specifically 84 00:03:38,765 --> 00:03:40,965 for sex and kink and relationships. 85 00:03:41,425 --> 00:03:44,925 Do I wish they had a bigger kink section? Of course I do. 86 00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:47,325 Am I impressed with what they have? 87 00:03:47,325 --> 00:03:50,125 And the fact that the classes I've taken have been excellent 88 00:03:50,125 --> 00:03:51,125 education from people 89 00:03:51,125 --> 00:03:52,325 who know what the hell they're talking about. 90 00:03:52,705 --> 00:03:56,965 And it's legitimately helpful stuff. Yes. Yes. . 91 00:03:57,225 --> 00:04:00,045 So they're running a Valentine's Day special right now. 92 00:04:00,045 --> 00:04:03,125 Mm-Hmm. , if you use R Code Loving you save 50% 93 00:04:03,145 --> 00:04:07,325 off, um, which half off is, that's a good deal to me. 94 00:04:07,545 --> 00:04:10,565 Uh, you get 24 hours free trials so you can like, sign up 95 00:04:10,565 --> 00:04:12,805 and look around and see if it's even for you, 96 00:04:12,805 --> 00:04:13,925 if they have the classes you want. 97 00:04:14,305 --> 00:04:15,765 And then if you get past that 24 hours 98 00:04:15,765 --> 00:04:18,325 and you've paid for your membership and you're in it 99 00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:20,645 and you're just not satisfied with what, what they've got, 100 00:04:20,875 --> 00:04:23,445 it's a 14 day money back guarantee. 101 00:04:23,715 --> 00:04:25,565 Nice. So you're not stuck if it, 102 00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:26,925 you find out it's not for you. 103 00:04:27,545 --> 00:04:30,085 Now, some of us celebrate Valentine's 104 00:04:30,365 --> 00:04:33,205 'cause we're those kinds of people, some of us, 105 00:04:33,395 --> 00:04:35,165 even if we're partnered up, are like, 106 00:04:35,475 --> 00:04:36,605 fuck that fake holiday. 107 00:04:37,245 --> 00:04:39,325 I don't know who you are, but I think there's something 108 00:04:39,325 --> 00:04:41,005 for you, regardless of who you are. 109 00:04:41,065 --> 00:04:42,805 So, if you're like all relationship up 110 00:04:42,805 --> 00:04:45,285 and you're all feeling all romantic, there's all kinds 111 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,725 of classes you can take with a partner. 112 00:04:46,725 --> 00:04:48,725 Mm-Hmm. to enhance things. 113 00:04:49,385 --> 00:04:51,725 And, you know, if we're enhancing sexually, 114 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,365 there's oral sex classes, both bits. 115 00:04:54,515 --> 00:04:58,685 Okay. Tab A, slot B, you can get skills there, . 116 00:04:59,075 --> 00:05:01,285 Okay. There's a pegging, uh, 117 00:05:01,295 --> 00:05:03,725 class plus a just strap on play class, 118 00:05:03,855 --> 00:05:06,445 which I'm sure is gonna talk about elements of pegging, 119 00:05:06,465 --> 00:05:09,045 but also elements that are not pegging. 120 00:05:09,705 --> 00:05:13,845 Um, what else? What else, what else? ChAARI wax play. 121 00:05:14,425 --> 00:05:17,965 Um, just rough sex, kinky sex spanking. 122 00:05:18,795 --> 00:05:20,765 What Whatever is floating your boat. 123 00:05:20,915 --> 00:05:24,005 - What, what a great way to spend some time 124 00:05:24,185 --> 00:05:26,845 and kink up your life and learn some things. Right? 125 00:05:26,915 --> 00:05:29,045 - Yeah. And even if you're signaling, you're like, 126 00:05:29,275 --> 00:05:30,925 fuck this Valentine's shit. 127 00:05:31,385 --> 00:05:33,885 But you're like, but, but there's some shit I'd like to, 128 00:05:33,985 --> 00:05:36,165 I'd like to know how to do the next time I'm hooking up 129 00:05:36,165 --> 00:05:37,285 with whoever I'm hooking up with. 130 00:05:37,515 --> 00:05:38,525 There's stuff for you too. 131 00:05:38,665 --> 00:05:40,085 I'm just saying, I'm just saying now, 132 00:05:40,085 --> 00:05:41,085 if you are feeling all romantic 133 00:05:41,105 --> 00:05:43,205 and you're like, Ooh, I wanna, I wanna improve my 134 00:05:43,205 --> 00:05:46,285 relationship, and I've already watched whatever the dumpster 135 00:05:46,285 --> 00:05:47,645 fire is, it's gonna be the State 136 00:05:47,645 --> 00:05:49,325 of the Union episode, . 137 00:05:50,545 --> 00:05:52,405 And I would like to do it better than that. 138 00:05:52,715 --> 00:05:55,485 Then you've got classes on communication and intimacy 139 00:05:55,485 --> 00:05:57,245 and vulnerability and connection 140 00:05:57,585 --> 00:06:02,045 and y'all, so use the link in the places YouTube, 141 00:06:02,045 --> 00:06:04,525 that's description box podcast listeners. 142 00:06:04,545 --> 00:06:06,765 That's, uh, what's it called? Show notes. 143 00:06:07,225 --> 00:06:09,845 Uh, use our link, go and do the thing. 144 00:06:09,845 --> 00:06:13,525 And if you decide to sign up, use code Loving for 50% off 145 00:06:13,745 --> 00:06:16,525 for their Valentine's Day special sale. 146 00:06:16,995 --> 00:06:19,365 Yeah. Mm-Hmm. . And, uh, thanks to educator 147 00:06:19,425 --> 00:06:21,165 for not only sponsoring us this time, 148 00:06:21,165 --> 00:06:24,485 but for continuing to sponsor us, even though we are clearly 149 00:06:25,155 --> 00:06:27,005 chaotic as fuck . 150 00:06:28,485 --> 00:06:30,165 I keep saying I wanna be a professional 151 00:06:30,165 --> 00:06:31,685 and then I keep not being one. 152 00:06:31,685 --> 00:06:33,765 And so I feel like I just need to like, 153 00:06:34,355 --> 00:06:35,805 give it up. And I think I've said that 154 00:06:35,805 --> 00:06:36,805 - Before too. 155 00:06:36,805 --> 00:06:37,565 So, so are you, are you professionally 156 00:06:37,575 --> 00:06:38,925 being non-professional? 157 00:06:39,145 --> 00:06:40,145 Oh, no. Is that what it 158 00:06:41,225 --> 00:06:43,685 - No, no, no, no. 159 00:06:44,405 --> 00:06:47,285 . I feel like I'm trying and failing. 160 00:06:47,425 --> 00:06:49,045 And so periodically I go, I give up 161 00:06:49,185 --> 00:06:52,685 and then I'll get a little bit of optimism back 162 00:06:52,845 --> 00:06:53,965 and I'll try again and 163 00:06:54,145 --> 00:06:55,285 - Get a second wind. Yeah. 164 00:06:55,645 --> 00:06:57,765 - or a a 53rd, you know, 165 00:06:58,885 --> 00:07:00,565 whatever, whatever, whatever. 166 00:07:01,305 --> 00:07:04,725 Um, so, uh, 167 00:07:05,735 --> 00:07:09,845 let's see what, oh, that was it. 168 00:07:10,075 --> 00:07:12,205 Okay. Again, thank you. Educated. We appreciate that. 169 00:07:12,205 --> 00:07:16,005 Mm-Hmm. . Um, so this episode, 170 00:07:17,445 --> 00:07:19,205 I, my brain, I keep thinking State 171 00:07:19,205 --> 00:07:20,725 of the union 'cause I'm American. 172 00:07:20,925 --> 00:07:23,445 I don't know if other countries have a similar type 173 00:07:23,445 --> 00:07:25,765 of speech or refer to themselves as the union. 174 00:07:26,005 --> 00:07:27,005 I know, I know we do. 175 00:07:27,005 --> 00:07:29,165 And I know why we do, uh, , 176 00:07:30,745 --> 00:07:33,165 but it's like, it's the state of the union 177 00:07:33,825 --> 00:07:35,245 of our power exchange. 178 00:07:35,505 --> 00:07:37,765 Um, and we've done something like this before. 179 00:07:37,785 --> 00:07:39,285 We did it back in 2022. 180 00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:41,325 We called check, called it checking 181 00:07:41,465 --> 00:07:42,685 in on our power exchange. 182 00:07:42,825 --> 00:07:44,565 And it was meant to be sort of an example of 183 00:07:44,905 --> 00:07:46,365 how you can do a relationship. 184 00:07:46,485 --> 00:07:50,445 Check-in. And in that episode, I did not go back 185 00:07:50,465 --> 00:07:52,085 and watch or listen to any of it. 186 00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:55,005 But I think we were in, we were stressed 187 00:07:55,205 --> 00:07:56,605 'cause that's how we live our life now. 188 00:07:56,705 --> 00:07:59,125 But I think we were in enough of a good head space 189 00:07:59,555 --> 00:08:01,525 that it was kind of organized. 190 00:08:01,685 --> 00:08:02,805 'cause I looked at the notes and I was like, wow, 191 00:08:02,805 --> 00:08:04,365 we actually broke it up by sections. 192 00:08:05,195 --> 00:08:08,285 Parenting business, our kink life. I was like, wow. 193 00:08:08,285 --> 00:08:10,445 Look at us. We were attempting to be professional there. 194 00:08:10,445 --> 00:08:14,085 Mm-Hmm. , , uh, this one, this one came 195 00:08:14,085 --> 00:08:15,085 to mind as a topic. 196 00:08:15,305 --> 00:08:18,485 And it's kind of a redo, but not a redo. 197 00:08:18,485 --> 00:08:21,485 Just you, in my opinion, you should periodically check in 198 00:08:21,485 --> 00:08:23,005 with one another in your power exchange. 199 00:08:23,625 --> 00:08:25,645 So you can do this over and over again. 200 00:08:25,745 --> 00:08:27,965 But this one is, is more about the vibes. 201 00:08:28,035 --> 00:08:31,645 It's more about how we're feeling and less about what is. 202 00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:34,325 I mean, it's about what's happening or not happening, 203 00:08:34,385 --> 00:08:35,445 but I think it's more about 204 00:08:35,445 --> 00:08:38,285 how we're feeling about what's happening or not happening. 205 00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:40,245 Mm-Hmm. . At least that's how I'm feeling. 206 00:08:40,385 --> 00:08:43,645 And I'm happy to do this topic. 207 00:08:44,105 --> 00:08:48,845 I'm a little afraid the emotions are like, like there is 208 00:08:49,405 --> 00:08:52,525 a single layer of cells that separates 209 00:08:53,545 --> 00:08:55,480 my emotions from the breakdown 210 00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:56,760 that I don't have time to take. 211 00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:57,845 Mm-Hmm. . So I don't 212 00:08:57,845 --> 00:08:59,005 know what this is gonna be like. 213 00:08:59,165 --> 00:09:02,925 I hope I'm laughing and being ridiculous throughout, 214 00:09:04,385 --> 00:09:06,045 but I might be in the fetal position 215 00:09:06,065 --> 00:09:07,285 and crying under the table. 216 00:09:07,645 --> 00:09:09,405 I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen. . 217 00:09:09,805 --> 00:09:14,085 I don't know. So part of this is, uh, 218 00:09:14,105 --> 00:09:15,325 is it therapeutic for us? 219 00:09:15,785 --> 00:09:17,325 Yes. Yes. I think it might be. Mm-Hmm. . 220 00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:20,485 Um, I do not think that anybody needs to mimic 221 00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:22,805 anything about our, our power exchange. 222 00:09:23,005 --> 00:09:24,165 'cause it's gotta be unique to everybody. 223 00:09:24,465 --> 00:09:26,325 So this isn't meant to be a Oh, 224 00:09:26,805 --> 00:09:27,925 whatever we end up talking about. 225 00:09:27,985 --> 00:09:29,445 And I did write down questions to try 226 00:09:29,445 --> 00:09:30,485 and keep myself on track. 227 00:09:30,585 --> 00:09:35,045 Thanks. Um, it's more of a, Hey, here's your reminder 228 00:09:35,865 --> 00:09:39,445 to make sure at some point you're doing your own check-in, 229 00:09:39,505 --> 00:09:40,605 in your own relationships. 230 00:09:40,605 --> 00:09:42,925 Mm-Hmm. long term. Yeah. New doesn't matter. 231 00:09:43,145 --> 00:09:45,045 Uh, the newer, the relationship to me, 232 00:09:45,105 --> 00:09:46,445 and I know I think you agree, 233 00:09:46,445 --> 00:09:47,965 the more often there should be check-ins. 234 00:09:48,345 --> 00:09:51,325 Mm-Hmm. . We don't usually schedule check-ins 235 00:09:51,325 --> 00:09:54,445 anymore because we try to be consistently communicating. 236 00:09:54,665 --> 00:09:57,285 But sometimes you just, you just need a, a, a bigger, 237 00:09:57,285 --> 00:09:58,325 broader conversation. 238 00:09:58,325 --> 00:09:59,965 Mm-Hmm. , you need to like, plan it out. 239 00:10:00,185 --> 00:10:02,205 Set a time, make time for it. 240 00:10:02,745 --> 00:10:05,045 Do your best to eliminate distractions. Ironic. 241 00:10:05,045 --> 00:10:07,645 Because my greatest distraction is my own brain. 242 00:10:07,745 --> 00:10:09,925 So I don't know what we're gonna do there. Yeah. 243 00:10:10,185 --> 00:10:14,565 Uh, and just like discuss the state of your union, 244 00:10:15,485 --> 00:10:16,685 whatever union it may be. 245 00:10:17,345 --> 00:10:19,805 Um, and so I'm gonna take a big sip of coffee 246 00:10:19,865 --> 00:10:22,125 and we're gonna, we're gonna do this. 247 00:10:22,225 --> 00:10:24,605 Um, I did link to the 2022 episode 248 00:10:24,605 --> 00:10:27,645 where we did an org organized ish one. 249 00:10:27,755 --> 00:10:31,005 Yeah. Um, that I think is more of a good template 250 00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,925 if you're like, what, what are these kinds of check-ins? 251 00:10:33,925 --> 00:10:37,565 What, what might they be? Like, that one's a a decent one. 252 00:10:37,645 --> 00:10:40,565 I think I have a feeling that if we had to go back 253 00:10:40,905 --> 00:10:43,125 and listen to anything we said in 2022, 254 00:10:43,125 --> 00:10:45,125 we would laugh our fucking asses off. 255 00:10:45,125 --> 00:10:49,245 Because what did Hopeful 2022 us know 256 00:10:49,915 --> 00:10:51,125 that we know better now? 257 00:10:51,505 --> 00:10:52,645 2020 more. 258 00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:57,005 - Yeah. - So I've got a series of questions 259 00:10:57,065 --> 00:10:59,245 and I'll just put it out there and you start. 260 00:10:59,565 --> 00:11:00,645 'cause I know I suck up all the oxygen 261 00:11:00,665 --> 00:11:03,565 and then I'll, I'll probably interrupt the fuck outta you. 262 00:11:03,945 --> 00:11:06,085 Uh, I, state of the union first question, 263 00:11:06,355 --> 00:11:08,885 from your perspective, how are we doing ? 264 00:11:09,845 --> 00:11:12,005 I I'm thinking specifically power exchange, 265 00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:14,245 but you can go wherever you need to go with that 266 00:11:14,485 --> 00:11:15,005 - Question. , 267 00:11:15,585 --> 00:11:16,585 - How are we doing? 268 00:11:16,585 --> 00:11:21,405 - Wow. Um, oh boy. . Oh boy. I, 269 00:11:21,585 --> 00:11:25,045 - I'm filled with faith that whatever is coming out of, uh, 270 00:11:25,345 --> 00:11:26,365 out of your mouth Next 271 00:11:27,045 --> 00:11:28,045 - . 272 00:11:28,305 --> 00:11:33,245 Um, overall we're doing well, 273 00:11:33,965 --> 00:11:38,645 I think, um, I think the, the big clincher is 274 00:11:38,645 --> 00:11:42,365 that we have had a couple of, of, 275 00:11:42,465 --> 00:11:44,205 um, life changes. 276 00:11:44,945 --> 00:11:46,325 - Mm. Yeah. - Okay. 277 00:11:47,465 --> 00:11:51,565 And, and that has thrown a major monkey wrench, 278 00:11:52,665 --> 00:11:53,925 in the things that we do. 279 00:11:56,705 --> 00:12:01,245 And, um, at this point in time, 280 00:12:03,025 --> 00:12:04,765 we really haven't found a way through it yet. 281 00:12:05,305 --> 00:12:08,365 - No, no. We're in a, we're in a pretty big transition 282 00:12:09,305 --> 00:12:10,685 of part of our life. 283 00:12:10,895 --> 00:12:13,005 Right. That's not our kink life. Mm-Hmm. . 284 00:12:13,005 --> 00:12:15,725 It's just our, our our every other part of life. Yeah. 285 00:12:15,745 --> 00:12:17,405 And we don't know what that really looks like. 286 00:12:17,465 --> 00:12:18,645 And there's unknowns 287 00:12:18,645 --> 00:12:20,245 and there's decisions that have to be made. 288 00:12:22,505 --> 00:12:24,005 And I don't know if anybody 289 00:12:24,585 --> 00:12:27,285 has noticed I don't do well with change. 290 00:12:27,785 --> 00:12:28,965 No, you don don't. Unless it's change. 291 00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:30,725 I want, like, if I'm like, yes, let's do the thing. 292 00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:32,125 I mean, I'm still gonna struggle. 293 00:12:32,265 --> 00:12:34,845 - That's true. - But I'm like, I get the dopamine hit 294 00:12:34,845 --> 00:12:35,845 of this is a thing I wanna do. 295 00:12:35,845 --> 00:12:37,005 Let's go do the thing. I'm excited. 296 00:12:37,515 --> 00:12:40,325 This is one where there were no good options 297 00:12:40,345 --> 00:12:41,845 and this was the best of Yeah. 298 00:12:41,985 --> 00:12:43,165 Not great options. Mm-Hmm. . 299 00:12:43,345 --> 00:12:45,885 And we haven't found our groove No. 300 00:12:45,905 --> 00:12:47,885 And is the personal side of life with parenting 301 00:12:47,885 --> 00:12:50,925 and childcare and taking care of the 14-year-old 302 00:12:50,925 --> 00:12:53,085 and some things that he needs Right. 303 00:12:53,345 --> 00:12:55,205 To be healthy and whole. Mm-Hmm. 304 00:12:55,245 --> 00:12:57,165 and hopefully eventually happy. Yeah. 305 00:12:57,465 --> 00:12:59,485 But we have done what we needed to do 306 00:12:59,585 --> 00:13:01,565 and life has fundamentally shifted. 307 00:13:02,265 --> 00:13:05,085 And Excuse me, I realized, oh, about 30 seconds 308 00:13:05,145 --> 00:13:09,005 before we, we sat down to, to do the episode 309 00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:10,805 that I was like, oh, oh, that's right. 310 00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:14,005 I really, I really don't do well when I don't have a 311 00:13:14,005 --> 00:13:15,285 routine or my routine changes. 312 00:13:15,465 --> 00:13:17,685 Mm-Hmm. . And I feel very unmoored 313 00:13:18,235 --> 00:13:20,325 from fucking everything. 314 00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:23,965 And I, it, it sends me on my own little crazy train 315 00:13:25,345 --> 00:13:26,445 and, uh, . 316 00:13:26,625 --> 00:13:28,165 But I have to spend like a few weeks 317 00:13:28,165 --> 00:13:29,445 denying that and going, I'm fine. 318 00:13:29,445 --> 00:13:32,445 Yeah. I'm fine, I'm fine. And then finally Yeah. 319 00:13:32,515 --> 00:13:33,805 Admitting no, I'm no fine. 320 00:13:34,805 --> 00:13:37,885 - I mean there, there, there are people who, and, 321 00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:42,165 and I am in shock and awe of them. 322 00:13:42,785 --> 00:13:44,445 Uh, people who embrace change, 323 00:13:46,725 --> 00:13:47,725 - I feel like a weirdo. 324 00:13:47,725 --> 00:13:48,925 'cause I'll tell you on one, one side 325 00:13:48,925 --> 00:13:50,205 of my mouth, I fucking hate change. 326 00:13:50,205 --> 00:13:51,525 And the next side of my mouth, I'm gonna go. 327 00:13:51,525 --> 00:13:53,805 But if I choose the change, it's so exciting. 328 00:13:53,805 --> 00:13:55,125 Yeah. Let's go do the change. 329 00:13:55,275 --> 00:13:58,805 - Yeah. And, um, you know, it's, uh, 330 00:14:01,445 --> 00:14:03,045 I mean change change is inevitable. 331 00:14:03,275 --> 00:14:05,565 It's gonna happen, but you know it. 332 00:14:05,835 --> 00:14:09,445 - Yeah. I think I, I think what we are, 333 00:14:09,905 --> 00:14:11,565 you're better at than I am, I think, 334 00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:15,125 and you're pretty good at doing it for me, is accepting 335 00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:17,645 that the transition part is, is difficult. 336 00:14:17,645 --> 00:14:20,245 Even if we, we did choose it. Mm-Hmm. . 337 00:14:20,245 --> 00:14:22,365 But like I said, best option out of not great ones. 338 00:14:22,365 --> 00:14:24,845 - Right. - You know, there's still that, 339 00:14:25,515 --> 00:14:28,965 that time from the time you decide on the change, 340 00:14:28,985 --> 00:14:31,245 and then the time you implement it to the 341 00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:33,725 however long it takes Mm-Hmm. 342 00:14:33,765 --> 00:14:36,485 settle in and go, okay, this is the new normal 343 00:14:36,545 --> 00:14:38,925 and I know how this works and you 344 00:14:38,925 --> 00:14:40,285 know, I can figure this out. 345 00:14:40,285 --> 00:14:43,405 Right now, everything is new and unknown 346 00:14:43,585 --> 00:14:45,565 and there's, you know, on our, that part 347 00:14:45,565 --> 00:14:46,765 of our personal life, there's a lot 348 00:14:46,765 --> 00:14:48,765 of unanswered questions, which does not help. 349 00:14:48,915 --> 00:14:52,885 Yeah. Um, and it does take up, I know from my perspective, 350 00:14:53,865 --> 00:14:56,045 95% of my time and energy. 351 00:14:56,175 --> 00:14:57,485 Right. It's, and it's, it, 352 00:14:57,685 --> 00:15:00,045 I hate making it sound like it's a problem 353 00:15:00,475 --> 00:15:02,605 because it's the kid. 354 00:15:02,925 --> 00:15:06,565 I will, I will give him 110% of my time and energy. Mm-Hmm. 355 00:15:06,605 --> 00:15:07,845 for what he needs. 356 00:15:08,185 --> 00:15:10,725 But when I'm thinking about it in terms of, okay, 357 00:15:10,725 --> 00:15:12,205 what's happening with our power exchange? 358 00:15:12,205 --> 00:15:14,005 What's happening with our relationship Mm-Hmm. 359 00:15:14,045 --> 00:15:15,325 what's happening with everything else we do, 360 00:15:16,145 --> 00:15:20,285 you know, it's, I, as anybody would 361 00:15:21,065 --> 00:15:23,525 assume, it takes away from that 362 00:15:23,525 --> 00:15:25,485 because our energy just needs to be somewhere 363 00:15:25,485 --> 00:15:26,485 - Else. 364 00:15:26,485 --> 00:15:27,165 Be, be elsewhere. And, and I think that 365 00:15:27,165 --> 00:15:28,685 that's a good part of it. 366 00:15:29,185 --> 00:15:33,085 Um, because, you know, in, in all honesty, 367 00:15:33,145 --> 00:15:37,805 you are doing things for him that I just can't, 368 00:15:39,315 --> 00:15:42,885 - Weirdly, I think I can't either, but it's gotta be 369 00:15:43,245 --> 00:15:44,245 - . 370 00:15:44,245 --> 00:15:44,365 Yeah. And, 371 00:15:44,705 --> 00:15:49,325 and you know, I have just kind of stepped back 372 00:15:49,505 --> 00:15:51,125 to let you Mm-Hmm. 373 00:15:51,165 --> 00:15:55,605 do that and, and be as supportive as I can. 374 00:15:55,905 --> 00:15:57,405 Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. 375 00:15:57,445 --> 00:15:58,565 , which has meant a lot 376 00:15:58,565 --> 00:15:59,645 of diet cokes and coffee 377 00:16:00,325 --> 00:16:01,325 - . 378 00:16:01,325 --> 00:16:01,845 Yeah. You don't really flinch when 379 00:16:01,845 --> 00:16:02,965 I'm, we're out running errands. 380 00:16:02,965 --> 00:16:05,685 I'm like, but also, can we stop? I need a diet coke. Right. 381 00:16:05,995 --> 00:16:08,085 Also, I'm gonna stop and get us some coffee this morning. 382 00:16:08,275 --> 00:16:10,085 Yeah. Do you want one? 'cause Yeah. 383 00:16:10,145 --> 00:16:11,565 We as in me is getting one. Yeah. 384 00:16:11,665 --> 00:16:15,125 I'm, I, uh, where I can, I, I indulge myself 'cause 385 00:16:15,555 --> 00:16:16,245 - Yeah. You 386 00:16:16,345 --> 00:16:17,685 - Use what you can to get through. So, 387 00:16:17,905 --> 00:16:18,905 - So, you know Yeah. 388 00:16:18,905 --> 00:16:20,405 At that point, at 389 00:16:23,475 --> 00:16:25,965 between that and other things that are happening. 390 00:16:26,635 --> 00:16:28,405 - Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. with, with, 391 00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:29,965 with us, you know, that, that with 392 00:16:29,965 --> 00:16:30,965 - Us. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-Hmm. 393 00:16:31,005 --> 00:16:34,325 - , um, you know, other than our 394 00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,405 normal day to day routine. 395 00:16:38,015 --> 00:16:39,015 Right, 396 00:16:39,455 --> 00:16:40,455 - Right. 397 00:16:40,545 --> 00:16:43,325 - You know, outside of that, there has not been much, 398 00:16:43,685 --> 00:16:45,405 - I have to say, when it comes to our power exchange. 399 00:16:45,725 --> 00:16:48,525 I, and we'll get into it, I think I want more than 400 00:16:48,555 --> 00:16:50,325 what we can do right now. 401 00:16:50,325 --> 00:16:51,685 Mm-Hmm. , I want more than kind of 402 00:16:51,685 --> 00:16:54,125 what we have in terms of our power exchange. 403 00:16:54,155 --> 00:16:55,885 Yeah. I understand why we can't. 404 00:16:55,965 --> 00:16:57,045 I look forward to a time 405 00:16:57,065 --> 00:16:59,365 and hope that that time occurs when we can. 406 00:17:00,425 --> 00:17:04,765 But I am grateful for the routine that we, 407 00:17:04,985 --> 00:17:08,485 and the, the way we set up our Mm-Hmm. 408 00:17:08,525 --> 00:17:10,205 dynamic. Mm-Hmm. the actual day 409 00:17:10,205 --> 00:17:12,325 to day of it years ago. 410 00:17:12,325 --> 00:17:16,965 Because when everything else is, is 411 00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:19,885 what it is, I can rely on that. 412 00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:22,165 Yes. Which is why then, and then this, here's what happens. 413 00:17:22,225 --> 00:17:23,405 So there's a lot going on. 414 00:17:23,665 --> 00:17:27,565 I'm, my focus is pulled in a multiple directions. Mm-Hmm. 415 00:17:27,605 --> 00:17:28,805 . But big chunk 416 00:17:28,805 --> 00:17:30,885 of my focus is just on being a mom right now. 417 00:17:31,585 --> 00:17:35,805 Um, and so what happens is, like when I forget a task 418 00:17:35,865 --> 00:17:39,565 or I don't do it correctly, it's devastating. 419 00:17:39,765 --> 00:17:42,405 'cause I'm like, this is all I have right now 420 00:17:42,705 --> 00:17:44,765 and I cannot do it. 421 00:17:44,765 --> 00:17:47,285 Mm-Hmm. or I can't do it. Well, 422 00:17:47,515 --> 00:17:48,515 - Yeah. 423 00:17:48,865 --> 00:17:50,125 - Oh, I'm sorry, y'all 424 00:17:54,785 --> 00:17:56,155 told you it was right under the surface. 425 00:17:56,575 --> 00:18:00,915 Woo. So yeah. 426 00:18:00,915 --> 00:18:02,675 That's how, that's how I'm doing . 427 00:18:04,185 --> 00:18:08,555 - Yeah. So, you know. Yeah. 428 00:18:08,825 --> 00:18:11,875 It's, it's, it's made it, it's made it difficult. 429 00:18:12,295 --> 00:18:16,995 Um, and, you know, yes. 430 00:18:16,995 --> 00:18:21,075 Having, having our routines to fall back on in, 431 00:18:21,215 --> 00:18:24,195 in all the chaos that has been going on has at least, 432 00:18:26,255 --> 00:18:29,315 you know, giving us a baseline to run on, 433 00:18:29,735 --> 00:18:30,735 - So to speak. 434 00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:31,715 Yeah. We have that to fall back on. Like Yeah. 435 00:18:33,535 --> 00:18:35,355 You were always the decider. 436 00:18:35,355 --> 00:18:37,755 We've had to make a lot of non k, non kink, 437 00:18:37,785 --> 00:18:39,555 non-BAR exchange decisions lately. 438 00:18:39,585 --> 00:18:42,515 Yeah. And ultimately, you're the final word. 439 00:18:43,565 --> 00:18:44,795 We're in step, I mean, 440 00:18:44,795 --> 00:18:46,195 there's not been a decision made lately 441 00:18:46,195 --> 00:18:47,235 that we're not in step on. 442 00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:49,995 We Right. We might disagree on how to get to a place, 443 00:18:50,015 --> 00:18:51,555 but we we're in sync on 444 00:18:51,805 --> 00:18:53,195 where we're going and what we're trying to do. 445 00:18:53,195 --> 00:18:56,355 Mm-Hmm. . Um, and so that helps. 446 00:18:56,855 --> 00:19:01,115 And I just, to the best of my ability, I keep up with, 447 00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:04,955 you know, my regular tasks and, um Mm-Hmm. 448 00:19:04,995 --> 00:19:06,075 . And that's, 449 00:19:06,505 --> 00:19:09,315 it's like when there's nothing else, that's something. 450 00:19:09,655 --> 00:19:10,655 Yes. 451 00:19:10,935 --> 00:19:13,275 - Yes. - Okay. 452 00:19:13,595 --> 00:19:16,235 - , you know, and, uh, I, I think right now, 453 00:19:16,575 --> 00:19:21,195 you know, I, I look forward 454 00:19:21,335 --> 00:19:24,115 to us doing things like running errands 455 00:19:24,115 --> 00:19:26,395 and things like that to escape 456 00:19:26,455 --> 00:19:28,035 and have some time 457 00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:33,035 together, if that makes any sense. 458 00:19:33,545 --> 00:19:36,635 - It's funny because I agree, you know, 459 00:19:37,085 --> 00:19:40,355 we're gonna make a little road trip on Saturday to go by. 460 00:19:40,455 --> 00:19:41,955 Yes. Micah Pigment. 461 00:19:42,235 --> 00:19:44,635 - . Right. - Because we wanna go into the 462 00:19:44,635 --> 00:19:45,675 store and look at the colors 463 00:19:45,695 --> 00:19:47,035 and make sure we're getting the colors we want. 464 00:19:47,035 --> 00:19:49,075 Right. Um, and it's an hour and a half drive, 465 00:19:49,535 --> 00:19:51,275 and the 14-year-old is looking forward 466 00:19:51,295 --> 00:19:52,755 to his few hours of solitude. 467 00:19:53,495 --> 00:19:54,515 Um, and, 468 00:19:54,655 --> 00:19:57,155 and it's ex I mean, like, we're like super excited about it. 469 00:19:57,155 --> 00:20:00,035 Like we had to arrange with the person who runs the shop. 470 00:20:00,035 --> 00:20:01,275 Like normally they're only 471 00:20:01,275 --> 00:20:02,435 there for a certain amount of time. 472 00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:04,355 We're like, but, but if we come between this time, 473 00:20:04,785 --> 00:20:06,235 will you be there and can we come in 474 00:20:06,235 --> 00:20:07,515 and spend our money ? 475 00:20:09,415 --> 00:20:11,315 But, so it's exciting to go do that thing. Mm-Hmm. 476 00:20:11,355 --> 00:20:12,875 because we have business, but it's, you know, 477 00:20:12,875 --> 00:20:16,835 we're gonna get a few hours where it's just the two 478 00:20:16,835 --> 00:20:17,915 of us just doing our thing. 479 00:20:17,915 --> 00:20:21,155 Right. Um, and yet 480 00:20:22,015 --> 00:20:26,075 I'm at a point with just life in general 481 00:20:28,585 --> 00:20:30,915 that the distractions, 482 00:20:31,065 --> 00:20:33,875 sometimes the distract distractions are exactly what I need. 483 00:20:33,875 --> 00:20:36,995 And I get to just go be another part of myself for a while 484 00:20:37,055 --> 00:20:39,315 and we will, to the best of our ability. 485 00:20:39,455 --> 00:20:41,835 And not to like freak the vanillas out. 486 00:20:41,845 --> 00:20:43,595 We'll be in our dynamic, you know, 487 00:20:43,905 --> 00:20:45,835 with, you know, in that time. Mm-Hmm. 488 00:20:45,875 --> 00:20:46,955 - . - And, uh, 489 00:20:47,745 --> 00:20:51,125 but the hard part about the distractions 490 00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:55,445 and getting away is that it de 491 00:20:57,795 --> 00:21:01,205 sometimes that's the bigger worry of if I'm distracted, 492 00:21:01,715 --> 00:21:04,845 what am I not focusing on outside of us Mm-Hmm. 493 00:21:04,845 --> 00:21:06,845 Outside of our relationship that I need to be, 494 00:21:06,845 --> 00:21:07,925 am I missing something? 495 00:21:08,585 --> 00:21:11,645 Am I doing something wrong? Am I causing harm? 496 00:21:14,785 --> 00:21:16,485 And I know I'm not, I'm not Mm-Hmm. 497 00:21:16,725 --> 00:21:19,005 , I'm like every other person on the planet. 498 00:21:19,025 --> 00:21:22,605 I'm just doing the best I can. Um, it's just, there's a lot 499 00:21:22,605 --> 00:21:25,485 of pressure and it's self-imposed pressure. 500 00:21:25,485 --> 00:21:28,445 Nobody, nobody will pressure me like I 501 00:21:28,445 --> 00:21:29,485 will pressure me . 502 00:21:30,425 --> 00:21:34,845 But, um, so I don't always like, 503 00:21:35,335 --> 00:21:36,405 enjoy the distractions. 504 00:21:36,425 --> 00:21:37,685 We got invited to a play party 505 00:21:37,685 --> 00:21:39,645 that's like a valentinesy kind of play party. 506 00:21:39,645 --> 00:21:41,405 Mm-Hmm. . It's after Valentine, the weekend 507 00:21:41,405 --> 00:21:42,405 after Valentine's. 508 00:21:42,545 --> 00:21:47,405 Yes. And of course, my , my socially anxious self, 509 00:21:47,435 --> 00:21:49,365 like immediately like clinched up 510 00:21:49,365 --> 00:21:50,725 and went, I don't know if I can do it. 511 00:21:51,265 --> 00:21:55,405 Um, and then the part of me that just is constantly 512 00:21:56,625 --> 00:22:01,045 in a caretaking role outside of this dynamic goes, can we, 513 00:22:01,245 --> 00:22:02,965 should we, is that, is that the best thing? 514 00:22:02,965 --> 00:22:05,165 Am Can I even, it's so weird 515 00:22:05,165 --> 00:22:07,365 because there's a part of me that goes in my mind goes, 516 00:22:07,425 --> 00:22:12,285 you have got to find ways to not, 517 00:22:12,705 --> 00:22:14,605 I'm gonna say let it go, but I, it is not a let it go. 518 00:22:14,605 --> 00:22:18,005 It's a temporarily like, have time, make time for yourself, 519 00:22:18,115 --> 00:22:19,525 make time for your relationship. 520 00:22:19,915 --> 00:22:23,685 Make time to do things you enjoy. Like logically reasonably. 521 00:22:23,925 --> 00:22:25,725 I know all of that. I know all of it. Mm-Hmm. . 522 00:22:25,865 --> 00:22:28,925 And yet I'm kind of stuck in a pattern right now of there. 523 00:22:28,925 --> 00:22:30,685 But there's all these things to, to worry about. 524 00:22:30,685 --> 00:22:32,925 There's all these things that need my focus and, 525 00:22:33,225 --> 00:22:37,285 and you know, what happens if I take my eye off of all 526 00:22:37,285 --> 00:22:38,925 of those spinning plates for a minute? 527 00:22:39,265 --> 00:22:42,965 And so I get very uncomfortable with the idea of, of that. 528 00:22:43,585 --> 00:22:48,045 And yet I know that it's needed. 529 00:22:48,365 --> 00:22:49,885 I know it's necessary. I know 530 00:22:49,885 --> 00:22:52,445 that if I don't figure out ways to refill my own, well, 531 00:22:52,805 --> 00:22:55,485 I am screwed because some of this stuff we're dealing 532 00:22:55,485 --> 00:22:57,125 with is a long haul thing. 533 00:22:57,195 --> 00:22:59,285 Nothing will be sorted and solved No. 534 00:22:59,385 --> 00:23:02,125 In the next three to five business days. Right. . No. 535 00:23:02,305 --> 00:23:04,685 We might be talking three to five business years. Like Yeah. 536 00:23:04,845 --> 00:23:06,565 I, I know that. Yeah. Um, 537 00:23:06,705 --> 00:23:09,485 - And, and the thing is, you know, yes, 538 00:23:09,535 --> 00:23:10,765 those things are important 539 00:23:10,765 --> 00:23:14,685 because, you know, we need 540 00:23:14,745 --> 00:23:16,765 to steal away those moments when 541 00:23:16,765 --> 00:23:17,845 we can. Mm-Hmm. . 542 00:23:18,185 --> 00:23:19,405 - Mm-Hmm. . I 543 00:23:19,405 --> 00:23:20,405 - Know. 544 00:23:20,405 --> 00:23:24,365 You know, um, um, I'm kind 545 00:23:24,365 --> 00:23:25,845 of gonna jump ahead here a little bit. 546 00:23:25,865 --> 00:23:27,645 You know, one of your, one of your questions is 547 00:23:27,645 --> 00:23:29,125 what we missed from previous times. 548 00:23:29,765 --> 00:23:32,005 Hmm. Um, you know, 549 00:23:32,225 --> 00:23:36,045 and I, I think this kind of flows into that Sure. 550 00:23:36,485 --> 00:23:40,005 Question a little bit. Um, you know 551 00:23:41,915 --> 00:23:46,725 what I'm, what I miss, um, the way we were able to just 552 00:23:47,915 --> 00:23:49,085 play at a moment's notice. 553 00:23:49,705 --> 00:23:51,085 Oh, sure. Okay. 554 00:23:51,865 --> 00:23:56,805 Um, you know, the way we had the ability to, to slip away 555 00:23:56,825 --> 00:24:01,325 to the dungeon when we wanted to, and, 556 00:24:01,385 --> 00:24:02,445 and those things are not, 557 00:24:03,745 --> 00:24:06,725 um, available. 558 00:24:07,475 --> 00:24:09,845 - Yeah. Not currently. - Not currently. Currently. Yeah. 559 00:24:10,685 --> 00:24:13,325 - I know the, the optimist within me just goes, 560 00:24:13,325 --> 00:24:15,565 this is just, this is just a moment in time. 561 00:24:15,665 --> 00:24:17,525 Mm-Hmm. and things will change again. 562 00:24:17,525 --> 00:24:18,245 And there will be different 563 00:24:18,245 --> 00:24:19,725 opportunities and new opportunities. 564 00:24:19,995 --> 00:24:22,245 Yeah. The part of me that craves routine 565 00:24:22,325 --> 00:24:24,365 and knowing what happens next is like, yes. 566 00:24:24,365 --> 00:24:25,445 But Mm-Hmm. , I wanna 567 00:24:25,445 --> 00:24:26,485 go back to things . 568 00:24:26,765 --> 00:24:29,405 I know what happens next. Yeah. Um, . 569 00:24:29,785 --> 00:24:30,965 Oh, well I'll have to get over that. 570 00:24:31,165 --> 00:24:33,285 'cause that's not, that's not how that works. Yeah. 571 00:24:33,425 --> 00:24:35,605 Um, you know, it's funny on that question of, of 572 00:24:35,605 --> 00:24:36,845 what we missed from previous times. 573 00:24:37,505 --> 00:24:40,125 So this is not gonna sound like it connects, 574 00:24:40,165 --> 00:24:42,965 but just go with my, my, whatever the fuck. 575 00:24:42,965 --> 00:24:47,405 My brain is here. So , uh, I've been, uh, 576 00:24:48,785 --> 00:24:51,485 de not dealing with my feelings by doing a lot of reading. 577 00:24:52,185 --> 00:24:53,165 Mm-Hmm. . And I was like, 578 00:24:53,285 --> 00:24:54,205 I need a palate cleanser. 579 00:24:54,285 --> 00:24:57,965 'cause I'd read a lot of romantic fantasy, fantasy, romance, 580 00:24:58,325 --> 00:24:59,325 whatever the fuck they want to call it. 581 00:24:59,325 --> 00:25:01,605 And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's not kinky enough. 582 00:25:01,605 --> 00:25:05,365 It's not sexy enough. And I came across, um, a series 583 00:25:05,975 --> 00:25:07,925 about people who own a sex club 584 00:25:07,985 --> 00:25:09,885 and their personal kinks and relationships. 585 00:25:09,945 --> 00:25:12,085 And it's a delightful series. Do I know the name of it? 586 00:25:12,085 --> 00:25:13,245 Of course I don't. . 587 00:25:13,245 --> 00:25:16,005 Um, the first book in the series is what hooked me 588 00:25:16,315 --> 00:25:19,645 because it was, uh, the, the featured couple, 589 00:25:20,265 --> 00:25:21,525 um, was dom sub. 590 00:25:21,585 --> 00:25:25,165 So I, you y'all know I'm in it and she's got a praise kink. 591 00:25:25,165 --> 00:25:26,845 And that's actually, other than submission, 592 00:25:27,105 --> 00:25:28,285 the praise kink is like her thing. 593 00:25:28,285 --> 00:25:30,205 They're not into impact, they're not into bondage. Mm-Hmm. 594 00:25:30,245 --> 00:25:31,485 . I'm like, okay, 595 00:25:31,485 --> 00:25:32,565 but I can, I can go with this. 596 00:25:32,625 --> 00:25:37,405 And the thing I ended up, I ended up tearing up 597 00:25:38,005 --> 00:25:39,485 multiple times reading that, not 598 00:25:39,485 --> 00:25:41,685 because there was necessarily anything, 599 00:25:42,785 --> 00:25:44,245 you know, tear worthy. 600 00:25:44,355 --> 00:25:47,365 Like it was, it was good. It was a good story. Yeah. 601 00:25:47,365 --> 00:25:48,365 But like, not enough 602 00:25:48,365 --> 00:25:50,405 that under different circumstances would get me crying. 603 00:25:51,025 --> 00:25:55,885 But it was because I was reading a fairly well written 604 00:25:56,575 --> 00:26:00,885 power exchange where in the world of fiction, 605 00:26:01,345 --> 00:26:03,445 she got to just, in these times they were together, 606 00:26:03,505 --> 00:26:04,685 she got to just let go. 607 00:26:05,865 --> 00:26:08,325 And it was, it was a little bit trope of, oh, 608 00:26:08,325 --> 00:26:10,925 she's an air quote natural sub, and, you know, yeah. 609 00:26:10,925 --> 00:26:12,365 Yeah. We know I kind of side eye 610 00:26:12,405 --> 00:26:13,445 a little bit at some of that. 611 00:26:13,945 --> 00:26:15,605 Um, and she just sort of fell into it 612 00:26:15,605 --> 00:26:17,325 and it, it was difficult, but it was easy 613 00:26:17,425 --> 00:26:21,685 and it, it shut her brain off to be able to just do what, 614 00:26:21,785 --> 00:26:23,085 you know, her dom says Mm-Hmm. 615 00:26:23,105 --> 00:26:26,045 And I'm over here going, I cannot believe I'm envious 616 00:26:26,185 --> 00:26:27,885 of a fictional character , 617 00:26:28,105 --> 00:26:30,405 and I'm literally living my own power exchange. 618 00:26:30,405 --> 00:26:32,485 Yeah. But that, that's the thing. 619 00:26:32,525 --> 00:26:36,885 I miss the luxury and it is a fucking luxury to go. 620 00:26:37,525 --> 00:26:40,405 I, the world gets to be tuned out and, 621 00:26:40,585 --> 00:26:43,005 and whatever you tell me to do, I'm just gonna do now. 622 00:26:43,010 --> 00:26:45,685 It now part of the problem is I'm, I'm a little bit out 623 00:26:45,685 --> 00:26:47,885 of practice and I'm way too sassy for my own good. 624 00:26:48,205 --> 00:26:50,165 I dunno, you, I think I've, 625 00:26:50,445 --> 00:26:52,525 I don't think I've fully lost the ability, 626 00:26:52,625 --> 00:26:55,325 but I'm so out of practice that like my brain 627 00:26:56,005 --> 00:26:57,805 I know doesn't even know how to shut off anymore. 628 00:26:57,805 --> 00:26:59,365 If you tell me to do something, I'll do it. 629 00:26:59,365 --> 00:27:04,005 But I have about 35.3 questions. Like Yeah. 630 00:27:04,265 --> 00:27:05,485 I'm, there's a questionnaire 631 00:27:05,625 --> 00:27:07,645 and survey I'm gonna need you to fill out about 632 00:27:07,875 --> 00:27:09,325 what is happening and why. 633 00:27:10,395 --> 00:27:14,725 and I, I, I'm more like that the more stressed out 634 00:27:14,825 --> 00:27:17,605 and more the, the crazier things are Mm-Hmm. 635 00:27:17,645 --> 00:27:19,085 . And when things are relatively calm, 636 00:27:19,185 --> 00:27:23,815 it is easier to just, you know, go with it. 637 00:27:23,815 --> 00:27:26,215 Yes. And at least in my experience, I would not say that 638 00:27:26,215 --> 00:27:27,535 that's an automatic for anybody else. 639 00:27:28,515 --> 00:27:31,215 And so, you know, finished 640 00:27:31,215 --> 00:27:33,175 that book in very short time. 641 00:27:33,195 --> 00:27:34,215 It was a, it was a good read. 642 00:27:34,475 --> 00:27:39,255 Um, and was turned on 'cause the kinky sex was hot. 643 00:27:39,255 --> 00:27:40,775 Mm-Hmm. . Yes. Um, 644 00:27:40,875 --> 00:27:44,255 but also it was like, I am a little sad now 645 00:27:44,255 --> 00:27:47,575 because I have just gotten a, a very clear 646 00:27:47,755 --> 00:27:50,895 and visceral reminder of what 647 00:27:52,275 --> 00:27:53,655 we don't have right now. 648 00:27:53,765 --> 00:27:57,575 Yeah. And it's, you know, I I I'm always tempted 649 00:27:57,575 --> 00:27:59,655 to put a lot of the blame on myself 650 00:27:59,655 --> 00:28:01,535 that I am the sole reason. 651 00:28:02,315 --> 00:28:03,455 We don't have that. 652 00:28:04,075 --> 00:28:08,375 And yet I know that currently you are not in a place 653 00:28:09,795 --> 00:28:12,815 to be able to do, to be that kind of dom right now. 654 00:28:12,815 --> 00:28:16,055 Mm-Hmm. like, it's just the, the fact 655 00:28:16,255 --> 00:28:20,215 that in order to be able to stop focus on one another, 656 00:28:20,835 --> 00:28:24,055 you tell me to do things sexy or, or not sexy, 657 00:28:24,475 --> 00:28:28,375 but in that very clear power exchange way, 658 00:28:28,755 --> 00:28:31,695 you don't always have the bandwidth to be that guy. 659 00:28:31,915 --> 00:28:33,775 - No, no. - And when we, 660 00:28:33,925 --> 00:28:36,815 when we individually have the bandwidth lately, 661 00:28:36,955 --> 00:28:38,495 it has not matched up . 662 00:28:39,005 --> 00:28:40,935 It's not happening at the same time. 663 00:28:41,335 --> 00:28:43,095 - . No, it, it's not, it's not. 664 00:28:43,795 --> 00:28:45,615 Um, that the, is this the book, 665 00:28:46,475 --> 00:28:49,335 - Uh, that is book two of that series? 666 00:28:49,455 --> 00:28:51,375 I finished that this morning before I got . Okay. 667 00:28:55,955 --> 00:28:57,895 The author is Sarah Kate, 668 00:28:58,935 --> 00:29:01,495 - CATE, - Uhhuh Sarah without an H. 669 00:29:01,605 --> 00:29:04,175 Yeah. Yeah. Mm-Hmm. . That's good. 670 00:29:04,315 --> 00:29:08,295 I'm on the third book is, uh, definitely gonna be a, 671 00:29:08,655 --> 00:29:10,455 a th it's gonna start as a threesome. 672 00:29:10,535 --> 00:29:12,695 I can see it happening. It's gonna move into a 673 00:29:12,695 --> 00:29:14,615 poly relationship. 674 00:29:15,355 --> 00:29:19,855 Um, and this is from like the, it was not a content warning. 675 00:29:19,855 --> 00:29:21,415 It was just a, here's a heads up of what, 676 00:29:21,435 --> 00:29:22,695 what's gonna happen in this book. 677 00:29:22,955 --> 00:29:25,015 And it's somebody who's gonna figure out their 678 00:29:25,015 --> 00:29:26,135 bisexuality Mm-Hmm. 679 00:29:26,435 --> 00:29:29,335 And I'm like, I'm already, I'm like 20% in already. 680 00:29:29,395 --> 00:29:31,575 I'm like, tell me, give it to me. Mm-Hmm. Gimme more. 681 00:29:31,995 --> 00:29:35,535 Uh, let me . Lemme live through fictional characters. 682 00:29:36,045 --> 00:29:39,935 - Yeah. And, and, you know, for, for me, it's, it's been, 683 00:29:41,025 --> 00:29:45,325 um, a, a thing where I have been, 684 00:29:48,065 --> 00:29:51,365 um, lurking a good bit on, on Fed. 685 00:29:51,705 --> 00:29:56,325 Mm. And you know, I, I see a, 686 00:29:56,405 --> 00:30:01,165 a lot of people talking about their power exchange 687 00:30:02,345 --> 00:30:05,885 and the structure that they have. 688 00:30:05,985 --> 00:30:08,925 Mm-Hmm. , you know, I'm like, yeah. 689 00:30:09,085 --> 00:30:11,125 I would, I, I kind of miss that. 690 00:30:12,085 --> 00:30:13,325 - I feel like I'm, I'm turning a 691 00:30:13,325 --> 00:30:14,445 little cynical, which is really weird. 692 00:30:14,565 --> 00:30:18,645 'cause Ooh, my inner optimist is so light and airy, 693 00:30:19,165 --> 00:30:21,725 - and wide-eyed. 694 00:30:22,625 --> 00:30:25,405 - But, you know, I, I sort of, 695 00:30:25,695 --> 00:30:27,525 other than in fiction, I guess Mm-Hmm. 696 00:30:27,565 --> 00:30:29,845 because that hasn't, hasn't bothered me. 697 00:30:29,905 --> 00:30:31,925 But when I come across stuff online 698 00:30:31,925 --> 00:30:33,765 and people are talking about their sort 699 00:30:33,765 --> 00:30:35,125 of real life experience 700 00:30:35,125 --> 00:30:36,205 and what their dynamic looks like, 701 00:30:36,205 --> 00:30:37,725 what they want their dynamic to look like, 702 00:30:37,725 --> 00:30:39,245 what they're negotiating for their dynamic. 703 00:30:39,245 --> 00:30:41,565 Mm-Hmm. that my inner cynic, who's just, 704 00:30:41,675 --> 00:30:43,645 it's just my optimist who's tired, y'all. 705 00:30:43,945 --> 00:30:46,365 Um, she's like, well, good luck with 706 00:30:46,365 --> 00:30:48,845 that when life kicks you in the nuts. 707 00:30:49,085 --> 00:30:51,005 I don't have nuts, but life has kicked me there. . 708 00:30:51,005 --> 00:30:52,005 Yeah. 709 00:30:52,155 --> 00:30:55,325 - Yeah. - Those nuts have been kicked. Um, . 710 00:30:55,425 --> 00:30:57,165 And I don't wanna be that way 711 00:30:57,165 --> 00:31:00,485 because first of all, there are absolutely people who go 712 00:31:00,485 --> 00:31:03,365 through the chaos of life. 713 00:31:03,465 --> 00:31:06,365 Mm-Hmm. . And their power exchange is a hundred 714 00:31:06,365 --> 00:31:07,445 percent what gets them through it. 715 00:31:07,715 --> 00:31:09,045 Yeah. There are people, 716 00:31:09,225 --> 00:31:13,605 and I feel like that's who I'm, I'm speaking on behalf of 717 00:31:14,225 --> 00:31:16,085 who are like, our power exchange is good. 718 00:31:16,165 --> 00:31:18,885 I feel it all the time. However, Yeah. 719 00:31:19,235 --> 00:31:21,165 Life has kicked me in the nuts. Mm-Hmm. . 720 00:31:21,165 --> 00:31:23,365 And so it's not crumbling, 721 00:31:23,365 --> 00:31:25,085 but it's not what I want it to be. 722 00:31:25,145 --> 00:31:28,365 And I don't like that. 723 00:31:28,605 --> 00:31:33,005 I don't like that I can't have exactly 724 00:31:33,035 --> 00:31:35,205 what I want out of our power exchange. 725 00:31:35,645 --> 00:31:39,485 I also don't like that life keeps going here, 726 00:31:39,485 --> 00:31:40,725 hold my beer. Let's see. Yeah. 727 00:31:40,725 --> 00:31:41,765 - Right. Yeah. - But, but, but I mean, 728 00:31:41,765 --> 00:31:43,285 we've been talking about it for years and it's like, mm-Hmm. 729 00:31:43,285 --> 00:31:44,605 It's almost a boring subject to this point. 730 00:31:44,745 --> 00:31:48,645 But I would rather represent 731 00:31:48,745 --> 00:31:53,085 and bring help people who are in our position, who feel 732 00:31:53,825 --> 00:31:55,885 bad about that, who feel shame for that, 733 00:31:55,885 --> 00:31:57,085 who are telling themselves 734 00:31:57,085 --> 00:31:59,165 that they're not really in power exchange 735 00:31:59,555 --> 00:32:01,765 because all of the intricacies 736 00:32:01,785 --> 00:32:04,525 of their power ex their dynamic kind of 737 00:32:06,095 --> 00:32:08,525 break apart or dwindle or diminish 738 00:32:08,585 --> 00:32:12,365 or just fucking disappear in these times of life. 739 00:32:12,425 --> 00:32:14,845 And to me, that's the more realistic thing. 740 00:32:14,965 --> 00:32:19,325 I think if people can maintain their very, like, clear 741 00:32:20,175 --> 00:32:21,565 power exchange and all the 742 00:32:21,565 --> 00:32:22,965 intricacies of it. I wanna let her 743 00:32:23,115 --> 00:32:26,725 - Through, - Um, the, the craziest shit. 744 00:32:27,525 --> 00:32:29,045 I think they're the exception, not the rule. 745 00:32:29,065 --> 00:32:30,165 And I'm very happy for them. 746 00:32:30,385 --> 00:32:33,285 But I cannot relate, you know, , um, 747 00:32:33,365 --> 00:32:35,605 I think I said it a couple weeks ago, I have a lot 748 00:32:35,605 --> 00:32:36,885 of competing priorities 749 00:32:36,905 --> 00:32:38,645 and I genuinely most 750 00:32:38,645 --> 00:32:41,285 of the time believe if everything's a priority, nothing is. 751 00:32:41,285 --> 00:32:44,605 But I also think, as with all sayings that are supposed 752 00:32:44,605 --> 00:32:48,245 to hold truths in them, it's too simplistic. 753 00:32:48,425 --> 00:32:49,525 Mm-Hmm. like, you can 754 00:32:49,525 --> 00:32:50,645 have multiple priorities. 755 00:32:50,995 --> 00:32:52,565 Working to pay the bills 756 00:32:52,705 --> 00:32:55,365 and keep a roof over our head is a priority. 757 00:32:55,795 --> 00:32:59,245 Yeah. Helping a your, one of your children 758 00:32:59,245 --> 00:33:02,245 through a very tough time in their life is a priority. 759 00:33:02,265 --> 00:33:05,045 Mm-Hmm. . But also, you know, 760 00:33:05,605 --> 00:33:09,045 maintaining a relationship that has 761 00:33:09,145 --> 00:33:11,525 to be maintained in order to stay healthy, 762 00:33:11,555 --> 00:33:12,605 that is a priority. 763 00:33:13,145 --> 00:33:14,165 And a couple 764 00:33:14,165 --> 00:33:16,605 of those priorities might be higher up on the list. 765 00:33:16,775 --> 00:33:20,405 Right. And this is why having a conversation like this 766 00:33:20,665 --> 00:33:22,485 as awkward as I feel right now, 767 00:33:22,805 --> 00:33:25,805 'cause I can tell y'all all kinds of shit. 768 00:33:26,005 --> 00:33:30,405 I can put my butthole on the internet, 769 00:33:30,505 --> 00:33:33,245 but something about crying on camera 770 00:33:33,505 --> 00:33:37,525 or into a microphone, I'm just, uh, I don't like it. 771 00:33:37,525 --> 00:33:42,485 Yeah. Um, but these kinds of check-ins as emotional 772 00:33:42,485 --> 00:33:45,545 as they can be when it's not a, oh, 773 00:33:45,545 --> 00:33:46,705 we have a clear, like, plan. 774 00:33:46,705 --> 00:33:48,185 What are we gonna do for our relationship? Right. Mm-Hmm. 775 00:33:48,225 --> 00:33:50,985 they're important because some, 776 00:33:51,045 --> 00:33:53,745 for me at least, it reminds me I'm not alone. 777 00:33:54,485 --> 00:33:57,185 Mm-Hmm. , sometimes it, it gives an opportunity 778 00:33:57,205 --> 00:34:00,985 for me to express something better 779 00:34:01,895 --> 00:34:04,705 than in those passing things 780 00:34:04,705 --> 00:34:06,625 where JB kindly goes, how are you doing? 781 00:34:07,205 --> 00:34:11,025 And he's asking at a time when I'm trying to decide 782 00:34:11,025 --> 00:34:13,985 between five very important things that have to get done. 783 00:34:14,885 --> 00:34:19,225 And also dealing with mom, guilt, 784 00:34:19,755 --> 00:34:23,265 submissive, guilt, uh, just guilt. 785 00:34:23,625 --> 00:34:25,145 'cause apparently that's who I am now. 786 00:34:25,485 --> 00:34:29,265 Um, and I can't, I'm not able to like, give the 787 00:34:30,125 --> 00:34:32,145 in depth, let me look deep into your soul. 788 00:34:32,165 --> 00:34:34,065 Let try to explain myself kind of answer. 789 00:34:34,205 --> 00:34:37,945 And what he gets is my very snarky answer, 790 00:34:38,375 --> 00:34:42,425 that then doesn't really convey where I'm at completely. 791 00:34:43,005 --> 00:34:45,465 And then he's more like, oh, she's in a pissy mood. 792 00:34:45,585 --> 00:34:48,425 I should avoid her. And I'm thinking, no, no, 793 00:34:48,445 --> 00:34:49,585 please don't avoid me. 794 00:34:49,615 --> 00:34:51,825 Even though I'm sending out all of the signals 795 00:34:51,935 --> 00:34:53,145 that say, avoid me. 796 00:34:53,145 --> 00:34:54,345 Please don't avoid me. 797 00:34:54,585 --> 00:34:58,865 , please, please stay right here by my side. 798 00:34:59,585 --> 00:35:01,825 I can't give you any tasks to do. 799 00:35:02,105 --> 00:35:05,025 'cause I don't know what I would ask you to help me with. 800 00:35:05,165 --> 00:35:09,785 But just, you know, I'm right now with things going on, I, 801 00:35:09,905 --> 00:35:12,145 I think my biggest thing is wanting to feel seen. 802 00:35:12,685 --> 00:35:15,985 - Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. That makes sense. That makes 803 00:35:15,985 --> 00:35:16,985 - Sense. 804 00:35:16,985 --> 00:35:19,185 It's so weird how things you don't think are 805 00:35:19,185 --> 00:35:20,425 connected can be connected. 806 00:35:21,165 --> 00:35:24,425 My desire to want to be seen and understood. 807 00:35:25,165 --> 00:35:27,975 And I can't think of other words 808 00:35:28,175 --> 00:35:31,575 'cause this brain is not wording today, um, in these kinds 809 00:35:31,575 --> 00:35:34,695 of times stem, I think stem in part from 810 00:35:37,255 --> 00:35:40,085 times as a child where I was going through it 811 00:35:40,085 --> 00:35:42,485 and I was, I was not seen and I was not understood. 812 00:35:42,485 --> 00:35:43,565 Mm-Hmm. . And so then I spend 813 00:35:43,835 --> 00:35:46,165 what feels like an inordinate amount of time trying 814 00:35:46,165 --> 00:35:50,605 to get you to fully exactly down to like the cellular level, 815 00:35:50,855 --> 00:35:52,605 understand how I'm feeling 816 00:35:52,825 --> 00:35:55,725 and what's going on with me and I, Mm-Hmm. 817 00:35:55,765 --> 00:35:59,805 , I don't know how helpful that is. 818 00:35:59,885 --> 00:36:01,525 I don't even know how possible that is. 819 00:36:02,385 --> 00:36:05,845 And yet at the same time, I do not want 820 00:36:05,905 --> 00:36:07,405 or need JB to do that for me. 821 00:36:07,405 --> 00:36:10,685 Like if he says I am stressed all of my validation. 822 00:36:10,945 --> 00:36:12,965 Yes, yes you are. 823 00:36:13,265 --> 00:36:16,005 And I can list all the reasons you are . 824 00:36:17,525 --> 00:36:18,685 I know why you are. Yeah. 825 00:36:18,685 --> 00:36:21,605 And also let's come up with solutions together. Mm-Hmm. 826 00:36:21,645 --> 00:36:24,365 . But when I'm on that other end of it, it's, 827 00:36:24,595 --> 00:36:28,725 it's either a, I curl inward and I distance myself 828 00:36:28,725 --> 00:36:30,685 and I pull away or I lash out. 829 00:36:31,155 --> 00:36:32,765 Neither of which makes me feel 830 00:36:32,765 --> 00:36:33,845 like a good submissive . 831 00:36:33,845 --> 00:36:35,605 Yeah. Neither of which. Yeah. 832 00:36:35,975 --> 00:36:38,965 Makes me feel like I am serving and submitting 833 00:36:39,025 --> 00:36:40,445 and being the best little baby 834 00:36:40,445 --> 00:36:41,565 girl. I know how to be . 835 00:36:41,585 --> 00:36:45,205 - Mm-Hmm. . Well, you know, for me, um, and, 836 00:36:45,225 --> 00:36:48,045 and you know, a lot of the things we have, you, you know, 837 00:36:48,045 --> 00:36:49,285 everything we have on our plate, 838 00:36:49,965 --> 00:36:50,725 I probably know shit 839 00:36:50,785 --> 00:36:51,845 you don't know that we got on our board. 840 00:36:51,845 --> 00:36:53,525 You're right. That scares the hell outta me too. 841 00:36:53,755 --> 00:36:56,765 - Yeah. I doll that out as I feel like you can handle. 842 00:36:56,895 --> 00:36:57,965 Right. One more thing. 843 00:36:58,115 --> 00:36:59,645 - Yeah. And, 844 00:36:59,905 --> 00:37:04,165 and you know, my kind of solution 845 00:37:04,785 --> 00:37:09,245 for that has been to dive into my work. 846 00:37:10,185 --> 00:37:12,165 Mm-Hmm. , you know, and, 847 00:37:12,465 --> 00:37:17,245 and you know, just like you're doing for the, 848 00:37:17,705 --> 00:37:20,045 the boy, you know what you're doing. 849 00:37:20,385 --> 00:37:23,645 I'm, I feel like what I'm doing is helping us in 850 00:37:23,905 --> 00:37:25,205 the that aspect. 851 00:37:25,665 --> 00:37:27,565 - And I, you know what, when you say that, I go, 852 00:37:27,565 --> 00:37:29,405 oh God, not only yes. 853 00:37:29,425 --> 00:37:31,685 Do I see that, but also you're right, it's working 854 00:37:31,685 --> 00:37:34,365 because we're having record sales. 855 00:37:34,705 --> 00:37:36,485 Mm-Hmm. for this time of the year for us. 856 00:37:36,835 --> 00:37:39,485 Yeah. Um, it's not, it's not enough to get us 857 00:37:39,485 --> 00:37:41,645 where we wanna be, but man, it's, it's good. 858 00:37:41,715 --> 00:37:43,005 It's getting us closer. Yeah. 859 00:37:43,305 --> 00:37:46,325 Um, and I, I get so lost 860 00:37:46,385 --> 00:37:50,005 and when I'm going through that, I've, I don't, 861 00:37:52,405 --> 00:37:54,205 I don't wanna say I don't acknowledge what you're doing. 862 00:37:54,445 --> 00:37:55,725 'cause I do. And I Mm-Hmm. 863 00:37:55,765 --> 00:37:57,005 god, I appreciate it, 864 00:37:57,345 --> 00:37:59,325 but I don't recognize it for what it is. 865 00:37:59,665 --> 00:38:01,005 But also I think I'm jealous. 866 00:38:01,185 --> 00:38:05,645 My typical coping mechanism for high stress is work, 867 00:38:06,905 --> 00:38:08,725 and work has to be done and it still is. 868 00:38:08,725 --> 00:38:09,885 Mm-Hmm. . And, you know, we've got enough 869 00:38:09,885 --> 00:38:11,045 of a routine that we get shit done. 870 00:38:11,045 --> 00:38:14,085 Yeah. But I don't right now don't have the time 871 00:38:14,905 --> 00:38:16,405 to lose myself in work. 872 00:38:16,825 --> 00:38:19,605 And I think that's a little bit of what's fucking me up too. 873 00:38:20,585 --> 00:38:23,445 So what I'm doing is I'm losing myself in fiction, 874 00:38:23,445 --> 00:38:25,125 which is not a bad thing. 875 00:38:25,235 --> 00:38:30,165 Yeah. But I'm also having that moment of here's a thing 876 00:38:30,165 --> 00:38:32,365 that lets me forget everything. 877 00:38:33,025 --> 00:38:34,685 And so I can fall into it for two 878 00:38:34,685 --> 00:38:36,445 or three, three hours at a time if you let me. 879 00:38:36,625 --> 00:38:38,405 But also here are the, all the other things 880 00:38:38,405 --> 00:38:40,565 that are not happening while I'm losing myself here. 881 00:38:40,865 --> 00:38:42,845 And some of those things I need to just let go of, 882 00:38:43,065 --> 00:38:44,805 not forever, but for those two 883 00:38:44,805 --> 00:38:46,285 or three hours I need to disconnect from. 884 00:38:46,505 --> 00:38:48,485 But some of those things are time 885 00:38:48,485 --> 00:38:49,645 for you and I to spend together. 886 00:38:49,645 --> 00:38:52,525 Things that you and I, and I'm like over here lost in the 887 00:38:52,525 --> 00:38:53,685 kindle apple on my phone. 888 00:38:53,685 --> 00:38:55,725 Yeah. 'cause what I need is more time 889 00:38:55,725 --> 00:38:58,845 with a screen in my face when and in instead. 890 00:38:58,905 --> 00:39:01,725 And so instead of, Hey, let's watch TV together, Hey, 891 00:39:01,725 --> 00:39:02,845 let's have a conversation together. 892 00:39:03,105 --> 00:39:04,405 Hey, let's go run errands together. 893 00:39:04,505 --> 00:39:06,765 Hey, let's just bead gather. Yeah. 894 00:39:07,185 --> 00:39:08,805 I'm like, actually I'm gonna dissociate 895 00:39:09,495 --> 00:39:11,085 while into a fictional world. 896 00:39:11,155 --> 00:39:12,485 This is not my 897 00:39:12,725 --> 00:39:13,725 - Creation. 898 00:39:13,725 --> 00:39:14,845 Yeah. And, 899 00:39:14,905 --> 00:39:18,325 and, you know, for, for me of late, I, 900 00:39:18,445 --> 00:39:20,725 I know I haven't really said much about it, 901 00:39:21,825 --> 00:39:25,645 but, um, you know, there, there has been something 902 00:39:27,035 --> 00:39:30,085 with me that has been looming since what? 903 00:39:30,355 --> 00:39:33,885 Last August, September, if not long, not longer. 904 00:39:34,905 --> 00:39:36,765 And, and it's been one of those things 905 00:39:36,765 --> 00:39:41,485 that has just been a long slow drawn out process. 906 00:39:41,825 --> 00:39:42,965 Mm-Hmm. . And, 907 00:39:43,105 --> 00:39:46,645 and by next week could conceivably 908 00:39:47,855 --> 00:39:49,125 - We'll be on a different path with 909 00:39:49,125 --> 00:39:50,125 - It. 910 00:39:50,125 --> 00:39:51,245 Yeah. D be on a different path with it 911 00:39:51,745 --> 00:39:53,445 - And maybe working towards resolution. 912 00:39:53,575 --> 00:39:54,645 Right. Yeah. 913 00:39:54,655 --> 00:39:57,085 We've, we've had so much chaos for so long, 914 00:39:57,145 --> 00:40:01,005 my brain can't quite comprehend that some things could come 915 00:40:01,065 --> 00:40:02,085 to a conclusion. 916 00:40:02,955 --> 00:40:05,645 - Yeah. - And a conclusion that is favorable to us. 917 00:40:05,645 --> 00:40:07,845 Mm-Hmm. what this could work out in our favor. 918 00:40:07,845 --> 00:40:10,565 Right. And yet, when it fucking happens, I'm, 919 00:40:10,825 --> 00:40:12,085 I'm gonna fucking celebrate. 920 00:40:12,265 --> 00:40:13,605 I'm gonna be like, Ooh, let's cross 921 00:40:13,635 --> 00:40:14,485 that off the mental 922 00:40:14,485 --> 00:40:15,605 list. Mm-Hmm. that is done. 923 00:40:15,885 --> 00:40:17,165 - . Yeah. Mm-Hmm. . 924 00:40:17,725 --> 00:40:20,485 - I, um, yeah. 925 00:40:20,685 --> 00:40:22,245 I feel like, let me get back to our questions. 926 00:40:22,595 --> 00:40:25,485 - Okay. - Um, , 927 00:40:28,025 --> 00:40:30,605 so I'm gonna put two of these together. 928 00:40:30,785 --> 00:40:33,165 Mm-Hmm. , What is it 929 00:40:33,165 --> 00:40:36,685 that we wish power exchange wise that we were doing 930 00:40:36,685 --> 00:40:39,685 that we're not, that we were back previous times Mm-Hmm. 931 00:40:39,785 --> 00:40:41,405 The before times we were doing Yeah. And we no longer are. 932 00:40:41,545 --> 00:40:45,565 And how are we feeling about what we're not doing and 933 00:40:45,565 --> 00:40:47,165 or what we are doing? 934 00:40:48,605 --> 00:40:51,245 I mean, I think part of it is, I I miss the every soft one. 935 00:40:51,245 --> 00:40:53,045 You would go like definite big D 936 00:40:53,045 --> 00:40:54,845 and I could just like shut my brain off. 937 00:40:54,875 --> 00:40:56,365 Yeah. Like, I don't, I Mm-Hmm. 938 00:40:56,405 --> 00:40:58,325 the way I shut my brain off now is to, 939 00:40:58,385 --> 00:41:00,445 to fall into a fictional world. 940 00:41:00,835 --> 00:41:03,685 Yeah. And I've, I've used that most of my life. 941 00:41:04,125 --> 00:41:06,285 I would like to shut my brain off 942 00:41:06,285 --> 00:41:10,645 because a man with a very stern gaze is like threatening me 943 00:41:10,645 --> 00:41:11,645 with the best time of my life. 944 00:41:11,745 --> 00:41:13,605 You know, , that's 945 00:41:13,605 --> 00:41:15,365 where I would like to shut my brain off. 946 00:41:15,365 --> 00:41:16,365 Yeah. Yeah. 947 00:41:16,865 --> 00:41:18,325 - Um hmm. 948 00:41:20,385 --> 00:41:23,325 You know, for me, there, there are a lot of things 949 00:41:23,435 --> 00:41:26,805 that I believe we could be doing, uh, 950 00:41:26,805 --> 00:41:28,285 things we should be doing. 951 00:41:30,225 --> 00:41:34,965 And, and the more I think about it, those things, 952 00:41:37,465 --> 00:41:40,205 the worst, it makes me feel that we're not, oh God. 953 00:41:40,205 --> 00:41:41,645 - Yeah. I was hoping you were gonna go there. 954 00:41:41,805 --> 00:41:43,085 'cause I was like, don't make me have 955 00:41:43,085 --> 00:41:44,205 to be the one to say , 956 00:41:44,545 --> 00:41:45,545 - You know? 957 00:41:45,545 --> 00:41:46,845 Yeah. No, I, I, I do. 958 00:41:47,225 --> 00:41:47,445 And, 959 00:41:52,065 --> 00:41:56,245 and you know, this, this week alone has, has been 960 00:41:58,615 --> 00:42:00,725 crazy, you know, with me it started Monday 961 00:42:00,755 --> 00:42:02,045 with a, with phone calls 962 00:42:02,605 --> 00:42:04,525 - tough phone calls. Yeah. And you've gotta 963 00:42:05,405 --> 00:42:06,845 - Remake those tough phone calls. 964 00:42:07,435 --> 00:42:11,125 - Yeah, yeah. I know. - Um, you know, the, the, 965 00:42:11,145 --> 00:42:15,165 the phone call wasn't a a fix all, it was just, you know, a 966 00:42:16,315 --> 00:42:18,565 okay, what do we do kind of thing. 967 00:42:19,105 --> 00:42:19,605 And, um, 968 00:42:25,565 --> 00:42:29,325 I I, I feel bad about the things we're not doing. 969 00:42:29,585 --> 00:42:34,525 And yet with everything that we are doing, it's like, 970 00:42:34,715 --> 00:42:36,965 okay, where do I pull the bandwidth? Yeah, 971 00:42:37,155 --> 00:42:38,155 - Yeah. 972 00:42:38,155 --> 00:42:39,645 Yeah. I mean, at a certain point you just, you run out 973 00:42:39,645 --> 00:42:41,125 of time and, and or energy. 974 00:42:41,125 --> 00:42:42,525 Mm-Hmm. . And I think for both of us, 975 00:42:42,595 --> 00:42:43,605 it's, it's both. 976 00:42:43,605 --> 00:42:45,765 Because by the end of the day when we might get 10 minutes 977 00:42:46,045 --> 00:42:48,045 together, it's like I'd love 978 00:42:48,045 --> 00:42:49,725 to do some kinky ass fucking shit. 979 00:42:49,865 --> 00:42:54,245 But also I cannot keep my eyes open. Right. . Yeah. 980 00:42:54,545 --> 00:42:57,405 And also, uh, some part of my body hurts 981 00:42:57,465 --> 00:43:00,285 and so you can't do as much as you would like to anyway. 982 00:43:00,285 --> 00:43:02,885 Mm-Hmm. And also, and there's always an end also. 983 00:43:02,905 --> 00:43:05,485 So let, let's depress the fuck out 984 00:43:05,565 --> 00:43:06,845 of ourselves together, . 985 00:43:06,845 --> 00:43:09,605 Alright. What are some things that you're missing? . 986 00:43:10,245 --> 00:43:13,965 - ? Um, I, I think 987 00:43:16,505 --> 00:43:20,285 the spontaneity. 988 00:43:21,145 --> 00:43:22,845 Mm. Alright. 989 00:43:22,845 --> 00:43:27,245 The ability to, to have that spontaneity to, you know, 990 00:43:27,465 --> 00:43:29,365 at any given moment, say, okay, 991 00:43:29,365 --> 00:43:30,885 we're gonna do this now. Right? 992 00:43:30,885 --> 00:43:32,765 - Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like in middle of the day Yeah. 993 00:43:32,765 --> 00:43:34,805 Or middle of the night or just Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. 994 00:43:34,855 --> 00:43:37,005 We're just, we're gonna, we're gonna do this thing, 995 00:43:37,005 --> 00:43:38,245 we're gonna have this moment. 996 00:43:38,415 --> 00:43:40,525 Right. And that moment can last five minutes 997 00:43:40,625 --> 00:43:41,925 or 45 minutes. Yeah. 998 00:43:42,315 --> 00:43:43,805 - Yeah. And, 999 00:43:43,945 --> 00:43:46,925 and you know, I, I think for me that yeah, that's 1000 00:43:46,925 --> 00:43:48,405 what I miss most of all, 1001 00:43:48,725 --> 00:43:49,725 - . 1002 00:43:49,725 --> 00:43:50,645 And I, I, I see that 1003 00:43:50,665 --> 00:43:52,805 and I, I kind of agree my, there's a part of my brain 1004 00:43:52,805 --> 00:43:55,125 that does still will never be okay with spontaneity. 1005 00:43:55,125 --> 00:43:56,165 Well, like, it's just too much. Yeah. 1006 00:43:56,165 --> 00:43:57,405 But I get what you're saying. I'll, 1007 00:43:57,515 --> 00:44:01,085 I'll give you a case in point about how you can want it 1008 00:44:01,185 --> 00:44:02,365 and you still can't make it happen. 1009 00:44:03,065 --> 00:44:05,005 So last night we knew we had to go run an errand 1010 00:44:05,005 --> 00:44:05,965 and then they ended up being 1011 00:44:05,965 --> 00:44:07,245 fucking closed when we got there. 1012 00:44:07,515 --> 00:44:10,885 Yeah. . But I said, I said, Hey, while we're out, 1013 00:44:11,065 --> 00:44:12,405 can we stop and get a diet Coke? 1014 00:44:12,605 --> 00:44:13,805 'cause we don't have any in the house right now. 1015 00:44:13,905 --> 00:44:16,005 And I was like, I could, I could really use a diet Coke. 1016 00:44:16,005 --> 00:44:17,605 It's, it's been a day. Mm-Hmm. . 1017 00:44:17,605 --> 00:44:22,045 And this one goes, what do I get for it? 1018 00:44:22,065 --> 00:44:23,205 And I'm like, well, what do you want? 1019 00:44:23,285 --> 00:44:25,125 I mean, he's daddy dom, what do you want? 1020 00:44:25,145 --> 00:44:26,285 He goes, a blowjob. 1021 00:44:26,365 --> 00:44:29,525 I go, okay, now first of all, if you're new here, 1022 00:44:29,665 --> 00:44:32,645 you don't know how wildly radical it is that I went. 1023 00:44:32,795 --> 00:44:34,085 Okay. Right. not 1024 00:44:34,085 --> 00:44:36,885 because I'm not being submissive enough, but 1025 00:44:36,885 --> 00:44:40,525 because the old libido has just, she's on vacation. 1026 00:44:41,305 --> 00:44:45,725 Um, and, and that I had, here's the part you, okay. 1027 00:44:46,105 --> 00:44:47,365 So the book I was telling you about 1028 00:44:47,495 --> 00:44:49,765 where it's the DS couple written by Ade, 1029 00:44:49,885 --> 00:44:52,085 I think somebody in the live chat got the title for me. 1030 00:44:52,085 --> 00:44:54,125 It's called Praise mm-Hmm. . Oh, it's, 1031 00:44:54,235 --> 00:44:56,605 it's pro It's not literature, but it's so good. 1032 00:44:56,885 --> 00:44:59,205 . Anyway, I had finished reading that 1033 00:44:59,205 --> 00:45:01,885 before while JB was falling asleep the night before. 1034 00:45:01,985 --> 00:45:03,445 So this was Monday night. 1035 00:45:03,565 --> 00:45:04,445 'cause Tuesday's like, gimme the 1036 00:45:04,445 --> 00:45:05,605 blowjob, I'll get back to that story. 1037 00:45:06,025 --> 00:45:08,965 Go on this derailed train ride with me. Okay. 1038 00:45:08,965 --> 00:45:13,045 Going on a journey. So that I had finished that book 1039 00:45:13,305 --> 00:45:14,805 as JB was falling asleep. 1040 00:45:15,465 --> 00:45:18,845 And for once in a very long time, I was so turned on, 1041 00:45:18,865 --> 00:45:22,805 was like, oh yeah, I would like to have the sex now , 1042 00:45:23,185 --> 00:45:25,125 but I am not good at initiating. 1043 00:45:25,725 --> 00:45:28,845 I could initiate, but then we're done. You better take over. 1044 00:45:28,935 --> 00:45:30,645 Right. So I was like, oh shit. 1045 00:45:30,675 --> 00:45:33,125 He's, he's sort of snoring over there. I think he's asleep. 1046 00:45:33,185 --> 00:45:34,605 But maybe if I do some things 1047 00:45:34,745 --> 00:45:35,925 and by do some things, 1048 00:45:36,085 --> 00:45:38,805 I mean literally rub my ass up on his junk 1049 00:45:39,425 --> 00:45:41,045 for a solid 20 minutes. 1050 00:45:41,625 --> 00:45:44,125 He was not picking up what I was putting down 1051 00:45:44,365 --> 00:45:46,805 'cause he was asleep because I was, I was out. 1052 00:45:47,145 --> 00:45:50,365 That's kind of, once either of us falls asleep, 1053 00:45:50,505 --> 00:45:51,685 we are down for the count. 1054 00:45:51,685 --> 00:45:53,645 Yeah. It's just exhaustion just takes us 1055 00:45:53,755 --> 00:45:54,965 once we, we can get to sleep. 1056 00:45:56,185 --> 00:45:58,245 And so I'm like doing all my best tricks. 1057 00:45:58,765 --> 00:46:02,965 I mean, , I believe I was, I I got pretty physical. 1058 00:46:03,185 --> 00:46:05,485 He just, he was so, so tired. 1059 00:46:05,485 --> 00:46:08,525 He slept the, and I'm not mad about that. 1060 00:46:08,705 --> 00:46:11,605 But, so when the very next day, first of all, did I tell him 1061 00:46:12,265 --> 00:46:14,245 almost immediately upon awakening 1062 00:46:14,475 --> 00:46:16,805 what he missed the night before ? 1063 00:46:17,145 --> 00:46:18,725 Yes, I did. Uh, 1064 00:46:20,425 --> 00:46:24,285 did I do a speed run through book two hoping it would get me 1065 00:46:24,345 --> 00:46:28,525 to the same, uh, level of arousal that book one did. 1066 00:46:28,645 --> 00:46:30,885 I did. And it didn't, the story just, it was fine, 1067 00:46:30,905 --> 00:46:32,445 but it wasn't, it didn't hit my kings. 1068 00:46:32,515 --> 00:46:34,485 Okay. So last night, 1069 00:46:35,015 --> 00:46:36,965 after he knows this, he missed his opportunity. 1070 00:46:36,985 --> 00:46:39,045 And I don't know how to do more than apparently run my 1071 00:46:39,945 --> 00:46:42,405 ass against your dick there. 1072 00:46:42,515 --> 00:46:45,045 That, that is how I entice and seduce. 1073 00:46:45,045 --> 00:46:48,965 Like I, if you wondered, um, so when he goes a blowjob, 1074 00:46:48,985 --> 00:46:51,925 I'm like, okay, first of all, I'm still kind 1075 00:46:51,925 --> 00:46:53,845 of feeling the residual from the night before. 1076 00:46:54,305 --> 00:46:56,165 And I still was holding out high hopes for 1077 00:46:56,165 --> 00:46:57,245 that, the second book I was reading. 1078 00:46:57,705 --> 00:47:01,445 Um, but also I'm like, ah, you might do sketchy shit for, 1079 00:47:01,625 --> 00:47:03,725 uh, Klon Bar, but I will do shit. 1080 00:47:04,425 --> 00:47:05,845 All kinds of shit for a Diet Coke. 1081 00:47:06,025 --> 00:47:09,205 So here we go, how happy, happy to do it. 1082 00:47:09,525 --> 00:47:11,765 I also have good memories from the last time I gave you a 1083 00:47:11,765 --> 00:47:14,885 blowjob that turned very power exchange kinky. 1084 00:47:14,885 --> 00:47:16,645 Mm-Hmm. . It was a delight. Yep. 1085 00:47:17,945 --> 00:47:22,365 So, uh, I'm, I'm kind of in my mind going, okay, okay. 1086 00:47:22,365 --> 00:47:24,405 We're doing some tonight. It might just be a blow job. 1087 00:47:24,405 --> 00:47:26,445 Might, might not. We might not. Fuck, but that's okay. 1088 00:47:26,445 --> 00:47:27,845 That's okay. I'm good. I'm good. 1089 00:47:27,845 --> 00:47:29,125 We're gonna, we're gonna do the thing thing. 1090 00:47:29,365 --> 00:47:33,325 'cause I agreed and then we laid down in bed. 1091 00:47:34,825 --> 00:47:36,365 And here's the thing. 1092 00:47:36,625 --> 00:47:39,485 I'm, I don't want anybody to think that I think 1093 00:47:40,635 --> 00:47:43,645 that I'm upset or I think less of JB or any of that. 1094 00:47:43,805 --> 00:47:47,565 'cause I totally get it. He lays down, he smoked his bowl 1095 00:47:47,565 --> 00:47:49,125 before, so he's nice and relaxed 1096 00:47:49,265 --> 00:47:52,405 and he was so relaxed he got to lay down and was just out. 1097 00:47:52,425 --> 00:47:56,485 And I went, there will be no blowjobs tonight. Okay. No. 1098 00:47:56,595 --> 00:47:59,165 Okay. And again, it's one of those weird things 1099 00:47:59,165 --> 00:48:00,845 where it is funny to me 1100 00:48:00,845 --> 00:48:03,405 because it's just a comedy of errors. 1101 00:48:03,795 --> 00:48:06,285 It's so typical of, of things 1102 00:48:06,405 --> 00:48:07,645 that happen with us to write about. 1103 00:48:07,645 --> 00:48:11,725 Now, I'm not upset that there was no blow job. 1104 00:48:12,185 --> 00:48:16,845 I'm not, I wouldn't have been put out if there had been like 1105 00:48:16,925 --> 00:48:18,525 I was down for whatever. 1106 00:48:18,665 --> 00:48:21,925 But it's sort of a, and it happens to both of us. 1107 00:48:21,925 --> 00:48:23,725 Like JB can be kind of geared up 1108 00:48:24,265 --> 00:48:27,525 and he's like, he's rubbing his junk up on my ass. 1109 00:48:27,725 --> 00:48:28,925 . Like he's reciprocating. 1110 00:48:29,665 --> 00:48:32,365 And I have to kind of go, I love you so much, daddy, 1111 00:48:32,425 --> 00:48:35,125 but here's my laundry list of things going on 1112 00:48:35,125 --> 00:48:36,165 that maybe I didn't already mention. 1113 00:48:36,315 --> 00:48:40,805 Yeah. And , it's just the irony of it. 1114 00:48:41,025 --> 00:48:44,285 It it's been, we can want to do the things 1115 00:48:44,785 --> 00:48:47,325 and still not be able to do the things. 1116 00:48:47,435 --> 00:48:50,285 It's, it's been like a comedy of errors. Oh God. 1117 00:48:50,465 --> 00:48:52,085 If we don't, I mean, if I don't laugh, 1118 00:48:52,185 --> 00:48:53,365 I'm just gonna start crying again. 1119 00:48:53,365 --> 00:48:55,325 And nobody wants that. Mm-Hmm. . 1120 00:48:55,505 --> 00:48:57,085 But you know what, it's so weird 1121 00:48:57,085 --> 00:48:59,645 because in that there's a, there's a lot of 1122 00:48:59,645 --> 00:49:02,205 what we didn't do, but here's 1123 00:49:04,025 --> 00:49:06,045 my inner op, shiny glittery optimist. 1124 00:49:06,785 --> 00:49:09,605 Uh, it's like, but how long has it been since we've 1125 00:49:09,605 --> 00:49:10,645 even joked about that? 1126 00:49:10,705 --> 00:49:12,725 Talked about that, tried to plan for it. 1127 00:49:12,725 --> 00:49:15,285 Like I can absolutely see where, where 1128 00:49:15,885 --> 00:49:18,125 somebody else would be super disappointed 1129 00:49:18,385 --> 00:49:21,005 and I mean, there was some disappointment not enough for me 1130 00:49:21,005 --> 00:49:22,845 to like, be upset, but Yeah. 1131 00:49:22,945 --> 00:49:25,525 Do I wish that, you know, we'd made good on that. 1132 00:49:25,555 --> 00:49:30,005 Sure, sure. But I'm actually more hopeful 1133 00:49:30,855 --> 00:49:33,445 about whatever's coming down the road for us 1134 00:49:33,955 --> 00:49:37,045 because it's been a hot ass minute 1135 00:49:37,815 --> 00:49:39,845 since we could even have that conversation. 1136 00:49:39,845 --> 00:49:42,805 Yeah. I could even have the desire 1137 00:49:43,105 --> 00:49:44,845 to be desired. 1138 00:49:44,875 --> 00:49:48,245 Like, like that's a step in the right direction. Yes. 1139 00:49:48,425 --> 00:49:49,965 In the midst of chaos. 1140 00:49:50,155 --> 00:49:53,325 Like if my inner cynic was allowed to drive, 1141 00:49:53,985 --> 00:49:57,005 she would be like, well of course we come up with a plan 1142 00:49:57,105 --> 00:49:58,325 and still can't do it. 1143 00:49:58,325 --> 00:49:59,525 This is our . No, 1144 00:49:59,585 --> 00:50:01,525 my inner optimist is like, shut up bitch. 1145 00:50:02,165 --> 00:50:05,205 Actually this is a good thing. And this is a silver lining. 1146 00:50:05,355 --> 00:50:08,445 Yeah. Yeah. Because it means we're, we we're still in, 1147 00:50:08,665 --> 00:50:09,925 in there somewhere. 1148 00:50:10,365 --> 00:50:13,605 desperately clawing our way out. Right. Yeah. 1149 00:50:13,955 --> 00:50:17,685 It's, I dunno, you know, 1150 00:50:17,685 --> 00:50:19,885 here's what's weird to me. 1151 00:50:20,305 --> 00:50:22,165 Not about this little check-in 1152 00:50:22,165 --> 00:50:23,365 and state of the union that we're doing, 1153 00:50:23,385 --> 00:50:28,285 but more of this specific line of conversation. 1154 00:50:29,255 --> 00:50:32,765 There was a time in the not that distant past, 1155 00:50:33,125 --> 00:50:34,565 I put my whole ass 1156 00:50:34,745 --> 00:50:36,805 and my whole ass sex life on the internet. 1157 00:50:36,805 --> 00:50:38,725 Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Openly. That's how we met. 1158 00:50:38,825 --> 00:50:41,645 Here's what I do. , here's what my junk looks like. 1159 00:50:41,695 --> 00:50:43,365 Y'all like I did that. 1160 00:50:43,905 --> 00:50:46,725 And yet we're sitting here in this space 1161 00:50:46,775 --> 00:50:50,205 where we primarily talk about the 1162 00:50:50,205 --> 00:50:51,685 relationship aspect of things. 1163 00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:54,445 Yeah. And it's been, it's very infrequent 1164 00:50:54,625 --> 00:50:57,325 and it's been a long time, I think since we've been very 1165 00:50:58,085 --> 00:51:02,325 explicit about sex that I am like, 1166 00:51:02,565 --> 00:51:06,405 I can't believe I'm talking about my sex life on a podcast 1167 00:51:06,755 --> 00:51:08,445 when, what started my life 1168 00:51:08,465 --> 00:51:11,005 as Kayla Lords was talking about my sex life 1169 00:51:11,365 --> 00:51:14,725 , I don't know. 1170 00:51:14,835 --> 00:51:17,805 Come full circle A little bit. Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. 1171 00:51:18,365 --> 00:51:20,125 I think part of it's, 'cause I know there's plenty of people 1172 00:51:20,125 --> 00:51:24,685 who don't know that side of me, uh, who are like, why, 1173 00:51:24,785 --> 00:51:26,005 why are we getting this detail? 1174 00:51:26,075 --> 00:51:28,605 Well, 'cause I, if you have, if you are new here, 1175 00:51:28,605 --> 00:51:30,525 you don't know I don't have a filter . 1176 00:51:32,555 --> 00:51:34,925 Yeah. I just, I don't know how 1177 00:51:34,925 --> 00:51:36,645 to not say all the things sometimes. 1178 00:51:36,645 --> 00:51:39,125 Mm-Hmm. , I dunno. Okay. Mm-Hmm. . 1179 00:51:39,225 --> 00:51:41,525 So to, um, 1180 00:51:44,745 --> 00:51:48,765 to, how do I put this to kind of close this up? 1181 00:51:48,765 --> 00:51:50,445 Mm-Hmm. . Did I click on the screen 1182 00:51:50,505 --> 00:51:52,445 to see a thing and then not look at the thing 1183 00:51:52,445 --> 00:51:53,885 and click away for another thing? 1184 00:51:53,885 --> 00:51:56,885 Yes, I did. . Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. 1185 00:51:57,425 --> 00:52:02,205 Um, or is there anything? And I the answer might be no. 1186 00:52:02,265 --> 00:52:04,285 Mm-Hmm. from the 1187 00:52:04,465 --> 00:52:07,325 before, the past four years 1188 00:52:07,385 --> 00:52:10,845 or so where we've just complained ad nauseum about our 1189 00:52:10,845 --> 00:52:13,485 fucking life, um, from the before times. 1190 00:52:13,485 --> 00:52:14,805 However, we wanna define the before times 1191 00:52:15,155 --> 00:52:17,765 that we no longer do, that we don't miss. 1192 00:52:18,105 --> 00:52:20,645 And I think it's valid to go No, there's, there's nothing. 1193 00:52:21,185 --> 00:52:24,965 But are is there ways that we were with one another 1194 00:52:25,585 --> 00:52:27,325 in power exchange that we don't really, 1195 00:52:27,325 --> 00:52:28,765 that we didn't miss and that we don't miss? 1196 00:52:30,845 --> 00:52:31,885 I don't, I don't think so. 1197 00:52:34,165 --> 00:52:35,605 I don't know how long I did this 1198 00:52:35,605 --> 00:52:37,645 and maybe it just didn't last very long. 1199 00:52:38,985 --> 00:52:43,685 So sometimes I miss the, you're like, you tell me what, 1200 00:52:43,685 --> 00:52:45,845 you give me the look that you're halfway giving me now 1201 00:52:46,085 --> 00:52:47,365 , you put your glasses on 1202 00:52:47,365 --> 00:52:50,125 because I don't know if I could stand the heat from that, 1203 00:52:50,265 --> 00:52:53,525 but you would get all like stern 1204 00:52:53,585 --> 00:52:55,685 and like, tell me to do a thing. 1205 00:52:55,745 --> 00:52:56,885 And the expectation was, 1206 00:52:57,005 --> 00:53:00,045 I would do the thing right now in scene. 1207 00:53:00,795 --> 00:53:02,565 That would be lovely and hot. Yeah. 1208 00:53:03,585 --> 00:53:06,685 In life, every once in a while I do you go, Mm-Hmm. 1209 00:53:06,685 --> 00:53:09,325 Baby girl, I need you to whatever. I go, okay. 1210 00:53:09,325 --> 00:53:11,285 And I go do the thing. But you don't have to be stern. 1211 00:53:11,285 --> 00:53:12,565 You get to be your daddy self. 1212 00:53:14,305 --> 00:53:17,845 But , we now have lived a power exchange life for 1213 00:53:17,845 --> 00:53:22,445 so long that I, most of the time I have questions. 1214 00:53:22,805 --> 00:53:25,310 I would like more context, I need more understanding. Yeah. 1215 00:53:25,315 --> 00:53:27,245 It's not a jump 1216 00:53:27,625 --> 00:53:30,285 and do without thought, 1217 00:53:30,285 --> 00:53:31,605 without thinking every once in a while. 1218 00:53:31,965 --> 00:53:33,365 Absolutely. Simple stuff. For sure. 1219 00:53:33,705 --> 00:53:37,605 If my mind has kind of been on the lack of, you know, 1220 00:53:38,485 --> 00:53:40,525 behaving the way I would like to as a submissive 1221 00:53:40,525 --> 00:53:41,645 for a while, yes. 1222 00:53:41,795 --> 00:53:44,725 It's much easier. But like, in just the natural flow 1223 00:53:44,725 --> 00:53:46,365 of things when we're just existing Mm-Hmm. 1224 00:53:46,405 --> 00:53:47,925 , you might ask me to do something, 1225 00:53:47,925 --> 00:53:49,005 but I'm gonna have questions 1226 00:53:49,105 --> 00:53:51,885 and you do not expect automatic obedience. 1227 00:53:52,025 --> 00:53:54,365 You Yeah. As long as I'm not being a bitch about it. 1228 00:53:54,365 --> 00:53:55,325 You're like, yeah. You can ask 1229 00:53:55,525 --> 00:53:56,405 whatever questions you need to Sure. 1230 00:53:56,405 --> 00:53:58,085 We'll talk about it. I I know that you are 1231 00:53:58,085 --> 00:53:59,125 that anxious bitch 1232 00:53:59,265 --> 00:54:02,805 and I will do what I can to soothe that part of you. 1233 00:54:02,805 --> 00:54:07,405 Yeah. Um, I don't really, 1234 00:54:07,685 --> 00:54:10,005 I in scene in a hot ass scene, yes. 1235 00:54:10,125 --> 00:54:12,285 I miss that immediate obedience, 1236 00:54:13,025 --> 00:54:15,765 but in the rest of our life, I do not miss that at all. 1237 00:54:15,925 --> 00:54:20,325 - I know. I, and, and I kind of know that because you've But 1238 00:54:20,325 --> 00:54:21,325 - Do you miss - It? 1239 00:54:21,705 --> 00:54:25,885 Do I miss it ? To a certain extent, yes. Because 1240 00:54:25,885 --> 00:54:27,685 - It makes your life easier, doesn't it? 1241 00:54:28,845 --> 00:54:31,445 - ? Well, it's, it's not, it's, it's not 1242 00:54:31,445 --> 00:54:33,085 that it makes my life easier. 1243 00:54:33,385 --> 00:54:34,965 Mm. To a certain extent it does. 1244 00:54:35,705 --> 00:54:40,005 But in those moments when, 1245 00:54:40,195 --> 00:54:44,165 when I do that, that is for me, 1246 00:54:44,235 --> 00:54:46,725 like a spontaneous flexing of those muscles. 1247 00:54:47,345 --> 00:54:48,345 Oh, 1248 00:54:49,225 --> 00:54:50,225 - Okay. 1249 00:54:50,225 --> 00:54:52,275 And then there I go and I just poke holes in that, 1250 00:54:52,505 --> 00:54:53,715 that balloon 1251 00:54:54,225 --> 00:54:55,635 with all my questions. . But at, 1252 00:54:55,935 --> 00:54:57,315 - But at the, and, 1253 00:54:57,335 --> 00:55:01,555 and you know what the, the question part of it, you know, 1254 00:55:01,675 --> 00:55:03,515 I know you well enough after all these years 1255 00:55:03,615 --> 00:55:05,275 to know you are gonna have questions 1256 00:55:05,855 --> 00:55:07,315 and it's okay to ask questions. 1257 00:55:07,315 --> 00:55:08,595 There's nothing wrong with that. 1258 00:55:09,375 --> 00:55:13,115 But I also know I, 1259 00:55:15,765 --> 00:55:17,785 you don't have the bandwidth for it either. 1260 00:55:20,165 --> 00:55:21,165 You, you don't. 1261 00:55:23,305 --> 00:55:26,825 - I, I think the, the hardest part lately is we are not, 1262 00:55:27,045 --> 00:55:28,105 we are in sync 1263 00:55:28,105 --> 00:55:30,225 and in tune with one another on a lot of levels. 1264 00:55:30,225 --> 00:55:31,785 Mm-Hmm. , which is kind of have to be, 1265 00:55:32,125 --> 00:55:35,825 but when it comes to, when you wanna flex that down muscle 1266 00:55:35,965 --> 00:55:37,705 or when I'm like, like, oh, 1267 00:55:37,785 --> 00:55:40,945 I wanna feel super submissive right now, this, that has not 1268 00:55:41,285 --> 00:55:42,745 yet lined back 1269 00:55:42,745 --> 00:55:43,945 - Up. No, it hasn't. 1270 00:55:43,945 --> 00:55:46,465 - We're not in sync there - At all right now. No. 1271 00:55:46,605 --> 00:55:50,065 In in that aspect. I agree. Absolutely. 1272 00:55:50,725 --> 00:55:53,185 Um, I think, 1273 00:55:54,925 --> 00:55:58,385 and at least I hope so, um, that our, 1274 00:55:58,565 --> 00:56:00,865 our relationship as a whole. 1275 00:56:01,855 --> 00:56:04,345 Okay. Let, let's put the Ds aside. 1276 00:56:04,985 --> 00:56:09,945 I, I think with, with, with all we have been doing, um, 1277 00:56:11,225 --> 00:56:13,745 I think overall our relationship is good. 1278 00:56:13,805 --> 00:56:17,425 Mm-Hmm. , because we have kept an open line 1279 00:56:17,425 --> 00:56:21,985 of communication about everything that is happening 1280 00:56:22,005 --> 00:56:23,365 and everything that is going on. 1281 00:56:23,425 --> 00:56:27,045 And, and we talk about it and, and we share our feelings. 1282 00:56:27,185 --> 00:56:30,845 Mm-Hmm. . Okay. And, and I think that in 1283 00:56:30,845 --> 00:56:33,805 and of itself is important. 1284 00:56:33,985 --> 00:56:34,985 Mm-Hmm. . 1285 00:56:35,905 --> 00:56:39,005 - I'd like to believe that there will come a day when 1286 00:56:39,835 --> 00:56:41,885 nothing might actually change about lives, 1287 00:56:41,945 --> 00:56:43,805 but we have just adjusted to the transition. 1288 00:56:43,805 --> 00:56:44,805 Right? Mm-Hmm. like we are in a 1289 00:56:44,805 --> 00:56:46,085 transitionary period Yeah. 1290 00:56:46,175 --> 00:56:47,245 Where things have changed 1291 00:56:47,305 --> 00:56:49,445 and we have not settled into whatever that looks like. 1292 00:56:49,445 --> 00:56:52,405 Mm-Hmm. . And whether things change again, 1293 00:56:52,405 --> 00:56:53,725 fundamentally for the positive 1294 00:56:53,745 --> 00:56:56,085 or we just settle in, which, whichever that is Mm-Hmm. 1295 00:56:56,125 --> 00:56:59,565 when life calms down in, in a new way again. 1296 00:56:59,975 --> 00:57:04,205 Right. That we can have 1297 00:57:05,345 --> 00:57:09,285 the conversation less about the stressful stuff, 1298 00:57:10,265 --> 00:57:14,565 the future plan stuff, the what's not working stuff. 1299 00:57:14,565 --> 00:57:17,325 Like, I think all of those conversations are very important. 1300 00:57:17,325 --> 00:57:21,485 Mm-Hmm. . But I need to 1301 00:57:22,675 --> 00:57:26,885 believe that there will come a day where we can sit down 1302 00:57:26,885 --> 00:57:31,485 and go, okay, well yeah, we've all, this is kind of handled 1303 00:57:31,625 --> 00:57:33,525 for right now's, we're muddling through with it. 1304 00:57:33,525 --> 00:57:35,165 And it's, it's fine. 1305 00:57:35,555 --> 00:57:39,725 It's, you know, some of this is back on, uh, autopilot now. 1306 00:57:41,185 --> 00:57:43,245 How, what do we want to do differently 1307 00:57:44,235 --> 00:57:46,885 from our power exchange perspective and not just play? 1308 00:57:47,085 --> 00:57:50,565 'cause I, the, the thing about play, I, I find in general, 1309 00:57:50,565 --> 00:57:53,165 over the past few years where things have been wild, 1310 00:57:53,865 --> 00:57:56,685 we don't play nearly as often as we'd like to. 1311 00:57:56,905 --> 00:57:59,565 No. But when we, when even one 1312 00:57:59,565 --> 00:58:02,565 of us gets a little bit mindful about it, we, 1313 00:58:02,865 --> 00:58:04,445 we find those opportunities again. 1314 00:58:04,445 --> 00:58:06,365 Mm-Hmm. . But in our power 1315 00:58:06,685 --> 00:58:07,805 exchange, beyond the, 1316 00:58:08,165 --> 00:58:09,845 - I mean, last week I did call you out to the shop, 1317 00:58:09,845 --> 00:58:10,885 told you I needed some help, 1318 00:58:11,825 --> 00:58:14,765 and, uh, then bent you over, bent you over the bench. 1319 00:58:15,185 --> 00:58:16,245 - Yes. And it was hilarious. 1320 00:58:16,525 --> 00:58:19,685 'cause our next door neighbor was working in their backyard, 1321 00:58:20,605 --> 00:58:22,565 , putting up some fence paneling. 1322 00:58:22,665 --> 00:58:24,125 And it was like an alternating, 1323 00:58:24,325 --> 00:58:26,485 I think we were using maybe a staple gun or 1324 00:58:26,485 --> 00:58:27,485 - Something. 1325 00:58:27,485 --> 00:58:29,445 - Yeah. Something like a, a pneumatic something. Mm-Hmm. 1326 00:58:29,485 --> 00:58:32,245 . And so there'd be the smack from the paddle, 1327 00:58:32,255 --> 00:58:33,965 which was, it was like a crack. 1328 00:58:34,105 --> 00:58:37,245 It was so loud. And then there'd be the crack 1329 00:58:37,265 --> 00:58:38,685 or whatever the tool was. 1330 00:58:38,685 --> 00:58:40,245 Mm-Hmm. . And they were alternating 1331 00:58:40,305 --> 00:58:41,405 for a hot minute . 1332 00:58:41,405 --> 00:58:43,765 And I was like, I hope whoever that is thinks 1333 00:58:43,765 --> 00:58:45,725 that we're working on our own Right. 1334 00:58:46,165 --> 00:58:49,285 Backyard project, but like, we're better at looking for ways 1335 00:58:49,285 --> 00:58:51,605 to play when we're mindful of it. 1336 00:58:51,745 --> 00:58:54,445 Yes. That our problem is we like lose sight of it 1337 00:58:54,445 --> 00:58:55,765 and we have to bring ourselves back around. 1338 00:58:56,105 --> 00:58:58,645 But I think the play is the most obvious 1339 00:58:59,565 --> 00:59:00,805 physical, visceral thing. 1340 00:59:01,305 --> 00:59:03,205 So it's very noticeable when it's gone. Mm-Hmm. 1341 00:59:03,245 --> 00:59:04,885 it's very noticeable when we want it. Yeah. 1342 00:59:05,885 --> 00:59:08,165 Whatever. But when it comes to the intricacies 1343 00:59:08,165 --> 00:59:12,445 of our dynamic outside of what is just part of the, 1344 00:59:13,385 --> 00:59:15,445 the base layer of who we are together. 1345 00:59:15,445 --> 00:59:17,605 Right. You are always daddy, you are always the decider. 1346 00:59:18,125 --> 00:59:19,165 I have set routines. 1347 00:59:19,385 --> 00:59:23,525 It is my default to want to take care of and do for you. 1348 00:59:23,625 --> 00:59:24,605 So like, we don't even 1349 00:59:24,605 --> 00:59:25,445 have to really think about those things. 1350 00:59:25,465 --> 00:59:28,805 But when it comes to the, you know, the little details 1351 00:59:28,825 --> 00:59:30,405 of like, I, I really wish you'd use 1352 00:59:30,405 --> 00:59:31,805 that tone of voice or I Mm-Hmm. 1353 00:59:31,845 --> 00:59:33,045 I like it when you give me that look. 1354 00:59:33,105 --> 00:59:35,405 Or it's been a hot minute since she's just 1355 00:59:35,475 --> 00:59:36,605 told me what to do. 1356 00:59:36,605 --> 00:59:38,525 Or those kinds of conversations. Right. 1357 00:59:38,545 --> 00:59:40,165 And then from your perspective, it might be, 1358 00:59:40,165 --> 00:59:42,525 it's been a hot minute since you just did what I told you 1359 00:59:42,525 --> 00:59:43,845 to do, and that would be really nice. 1360 00:59:43,845 --> 00:59:48,285 Right. I have to believe there will come a point 1361 00:59:49,665 --> 00:59:51,325 in hopefully the not too distant future 1362 00:59:51,495 --> 00:59:54,885 where we can just have that conversation where all 1363 00:59:54,885 --> 00:59:58,525 of the things that are like boiling over right now are 1364 00:59:59,235 --> 01:00:00,645 calm enough Mm-Hmm. 1365 01:00:00,685 --> 01:00:02,765 that they get to just be like in the periphery 1366 01:00:02,785 --> 01:00:04,845 for the 30 minutes that 1367 01:00:04,845 --> 01:00:06,325 that conversation takes. You know what 1368 01:00:06,325 --> 01:00:07,005 - I mean? Yes, yes, 1369 01:00:07,385 --> 01:00:08,385 - Yes. 1370 01:00:08,385 --> 01:00:11,365 And we can, we can be mindful about that again. Mm-Hmm. 1371 01:00:11,405 --> 01:00:12,685 . Because I think what's happened 1372 01:00:12,685 --> 01:00:15,405 for the past several years and is continuing to happen, 1373 01:00:15,625 --> 01:00:17,685 but the reason that I wanted 1374 01:00:17,685 --> 01:00:19,805 to have this topic felt important is 1375 01:00:19,965 --> 01:00:21,885 'cause it continues to happen. 1376 01:00:22,065 --> 01:00:25,605 But I feel like I am missing the mark 1377 01:00:25,945 --> 01:00:28,525 as a submissive more often now than I used to. 1378 01:00:28,665 --> 01:00:30,725 I'm forgetting more things. I'm not doing things 1379 01:00:30,725 --> 01:00:32,005 as well as I used to, blah, blah, blah. 1380 01:00:33,035 --> 01:00:35,525 It's because we can't always be mindful 1381 01:00:36,145 --> 01:00:39,525 of those little details that help us feel more connected. 1382 01:00:39,595 --> 01:00:42,205 Yeah. We have that base layer of this is who we are 1383 01:00:42,205 --> 01:00:43,445 and how we interact in all things. 1384 01:00:43,445 --> 01:00:44,885 Mm-Hmm. . And we rely on that. 1385 01:00:44,885 --> 01:00:47,365 And we have relied on that for the past several years. Yeah. 1386 01:00:47,405 --> 01:00:48,965 I think that was where that train was going. 1387 01:00:49,465 --> 01:00:51,965 The thought kind of looped and I missed it for me. Yeah. 1388 01:00:53,025 --> 01:00:56,765 And so that's, that's, you know, I don't have, 1389 01:00:58,595 --> 01:01:00,085 it's not that I'm not optimistic. 1390 01:01:00,165 --> 01:01:02,805 I think it's that I'm realistic enough to not be able 1391 01:01:02,805 --> 01:01:05,445 to go one day when we have no problems again. 1392 01:01:05,475 --> 01:01:07,485 Like that's never, it's never gonna be that way. 1393 01:01:07,665 --> 01:01:09,285 - And they're gonna be that. I mean, that, that's totally, 1394 01:01:09,435 --> 01:01:10,805 it's, that's totally works. 1395 01:01:10,945 --> 01:01:12,645 That's unrealistic. Yeah. But, 1396 01:01:12,665 --> 01:01:17,165 - But right now there's so many other things going on, 1397 01:01:17,665 --> 01:01:20,005 and some of them are going to be going on 1398 01:01:20,385 --> 01:01:22,645 for potentially a very long time Right. 1399 01:01:22,645 --> 01:01:25,325 Before they settle into whatever the new normal is. Mm-Hmm. 1400 01:01:25,365 --> 01:01:26,805 that I, 1401 01:01:29,225 --> 01:01:33,485 all I can do now is I can't, 1402 01:01:33,845 --> 01:01:35,925 I don't, I don't know where we would pull the time 1403 01:01:36,225 --> 01:01:38,725 to get more kink in, be more mindful of one another, 1404 01:01:39,195 --> 01:01:43,405 have those deeper dom sub moments that we're both missing. 1405 01:01:43,855 --> 01:01:48,605 Right. But what I can do is try to be more mindful 1406 01:01:48,745 --> 01:01:50,045 of just my day to day. 1407 01:01:50,205 --> 01:01:53,485 I mean, I, you are so kind 1408 01:01:53,625 --> 01:01:56,845 and forgiving when I forget something that has been a task 1409 01:01:56,905 --> 01:02:00,485 for 10 years, y'all like this June of this year, 1410 01:02:00,665 --> 01:02:02,965 we will have lived together for 10 years just 1411 01:02:02,965 --> 01:02:04,085 to like, this is, that's right. 1412 01:02:04,175 --> 01:02:06,765 We've got a lot of like 10 year things come up. 1413 01:02:06,905 --> 01:02:08,885 We have been for over a year now, 1414 01:02:09,465 --> 01:02:11,165 and I've been doing some of these things 1415 01:02:11,185 --> 01:02:12,565 for almost 10 years. 1416 01:02:13,385 --> 01:02:16,365 And you've always been, especially once it became habit 1417 01:02:16,385 --> 01:02:18,165 and you knew that for me to forget that was weird. 1418 01:02:18,215 --> 01:02:20,405 Right. You know, you've always been very forgiving 1419 01:02:20,425 --> 01:02:21,525 and very understanding, 1420 01:02:21,745 --> 01:02:23,365 and I can't even remember what the fuck it was. 1421 01:02:23,525 --> 01:02:25,605 I did forget, but I forgot something. 1422 01:02:25,625 --> 01:02:27,405 It was, it was a coffee related thing 1423 01:02:28,465 --> 01:02:30,005 and it threw things off 1424 01:02:30,005 --> 01:02:31,285 and you couldn't have what you wanted. 1425 01:02:31,425 --> 01:02:33,045 And I'm not the type that walks 1426 01:02:33,045 --> 01:02:34,285 around feeling like I'm failing. 1427 01:02:35,395 --> 01:02:36,765 I'll tell you, I feel like I'm failing 1428 01:02:36,825 --> 01:02:38,445 as a mother more often than not. 1429 01:02:38,665 --> 01:02:40,565 I'm failing as a an as 1430 01:02:40,585 --> 01:02:42,485 as an adult who's supposed to have our shit together. 1431 01:02:42,625 --> 01:02:44,045 But I'm not the type who walks 1432 01:02:44,045 --> 01:02:46,405 around feeling like I have failed as a submissive. 1433 01:02:46,405 --> 01:02:48,245 Like, I'm, I don't think I'm doing 1434 01:02:48,245 --> 01:02:49,485 as much as I would like to do. 1435 01:02:49,605 --> 01:02:53,525 I don't think that I'm giving you as much as I once did, 1436 01:02:53,555 --> 01:02:55,525 like those things I'm, I feel like I'm very aware of, 1437 01:02:55,525 --> 01:02:56,965 but I never feel like I'm failing. 1438 01:02:57,945 --> 01:03:00,925 And recently having forgotten small things 1439 01:03:00,925 --> 01:03:02,085 that then made life harder 1440 01:03:02,105 --> 01:03:04,245 and made it so you couldn't have exactly what you wanted. 1441 01:03:05,315 --> 01:03:07,725 That was what I felt like, I was like, 1442 01:03:07,725 --> 01:03:09,365 I feel like I'm failing at this now. 1443 01:03:09,865 --> 01:03:11,725 Is that because there's so much else going on 1444 01:03:11,725 --> 01:03:13,365 that I already have those feelings 1445 01:03:13,365 --> 01:03:14,965 and I'm kind of primed to feel that way. 1446 01:03:14,965 --> 01:03:16,525 Yeah. And under different circumstances 1447 01:03:16,685 --> 01:03:17,725 I would never see it that way. 1448 01:03:17,985 --> 01:03:22,405 Yes. But also that there's something there when 1449 01:03:22,405 --> 01:03:24,005 that's the thought that comes to mind. 1450 01:03:24,265 --> 01:03:27,045 You know, I know you don't think I am. Mm-Hmm. I know that. 1451 01:03:27,565 --> 01:03:29,045 I know. You would never tell me that. 1452 01:03:29,075 --> 01:03:31,085 Even if you thought I was falling down on the job, 1453 01:03:31,105 --> 01:03:34,285 you would never say it that way. And you're 1454 01:03:34,515 --> 01:03:35,965 - Extremely understanding. 1455 01:03:36,045 --> 01:03:38,165 I I, I'd be more apt to ask you 1456 01:03:38,865 --> 01:03:40,885 what's going on, what's the matter? Right. 1457 01:03:41,325 --> 01:03:44,725 - . And yet, I, this was the impetus for this kind 1458 01:03:44,725 --> 01:03:48,925 of conversation because I was like, I am missing so much of 1459 01:03:48,925 --> 01:03:51,485 what we were able to do 1460 01:03:51,545 --> 01:03:54,325 and who we were able to be not even that long ago, 1461 01:03:54,795 --> 01:03:56,285 that we just can't right now. 1462 01:03:56,545 --> 01:04:00,325 And while the realistic side of my brain understands Yes. 1463 01:04:00,705 --> 01:04:02,765 One, that there's a, there's valid reasons for this, 1464 01:04:02,765 --> 01:04:03,925 and two, that this is not forever, 1465 01:04:04,665 --> 01:04:05,725 it doesn't change the fact 1466 01:04:05,725 --> 01:04:08,205 that it feels like an ongoing pattern. 1467 01:04:08,905 --> 01:04:11,685 And that sometimes my inner glittery 1468 01:04:12,485 --> 01:04:15,685 optimist just can't muster up the fucking optimist. 1469 01:04:16,285 --> 01:04:17,285 . 1470 01:04:18,545 --> 01:04:19,765 - Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . 1471 01:04:20,905 --> 01:04:24,445 - But I mean, I'm, 1472 01:04:25,445 --> 01:04:27,565 I I don't know if I'm feeling more optimistic, 1473 01:04:27,565 --> 01:04:31,725 but I'm feeling less shitty after the past hour or so. 1474 01:04:32,155 --> 01:04:33,445 - Yeah. - I don't know 1475 01:04:33,445 --> 01:04:34,725 what anybody else is getting from it, 1476 01:04:34,725 --> 01:04:37,365 but I'm feeling less awful. 1477 01:04:37,885 --> 01:04:41,925 I started out with How, how are you feeling? 1478 01:04:42,305 --> 01:04:46,045 - Um, I, I, I feel okay. Mm-Hmm. . 1479 01:04:46,665 --> 01:04:50,285 Um, it's, since we had not really 1480 01:04:50,945 --> 01:04:55,165 talked about this, you know, between ourselves, 1481 01:04:55,875 --> 01:04:58,085 because we've been talking about so many other things, 1482 01:04:58,085 --> 01:04:59,245 - There's always, yeah. There's always 1483 01:04:59,245 --> 01:05:00,805 - Something else, you know, needs our attention. 1484 01:05:00,955 --> 01:05:02,205 It's kind of nice to know 1485 01:05:02,205 --> 01:05:04,405 that you are on the same page as I am. 1486 01:05:06,075 --> 01:05:08,805 - Yeah. I, I can see, I know , 1487 01:05:09,725 --> 01:05:12,085 I know I'm really bad at, at closing myself off 1488 01:05:12,425 --> 01:05:14,845 and just kind of going into my own head and like Mm-Hmm. 1489 01:05:14,885 --> 01:05:15,845 trying to solve the 1490 01:05:15,845 --> 01:05:16,845 world's problems on my own. 1491 01:05:17,465 --> 01:05:22,445 Um, and I don't always read you 1492 01:05:22,445 --> 01:05:24,805 or anybody else, but even you, I don't always read you well. 1493 01:05:25,265 --> 01:05:27,245 So like, it's weird that you're like, 1494 01:05:27,245 --> 01:05:28,405 okay, I'm glad I'm not the only one. 1495 01:05:28,405 --> 01:05:30,485 And I'm over here having that moment of, oh, okay, good. 1496 01:05:30,545 --> 01:05:33,405 I'm not the only one. Like, the moment you said that, 1497 01:05:33,405 --> 01:05:35,485 it's like, of course he was feeling that way. 1498 01:05:35,705 --> 01:05:37,845 Of course he was, but it wasn't, 1499 01:05:37,845 --> 01:05:39,845 it did not compute until this moment. 1500 01:05:40,635 --> 01:05:44,525 - Yeah. - Uh, I don't, I don't know how 1501 01:05:44,525 --> 01:05:46,005 to end this conversation. 1502 01:05:46,005 --> 01:05:47,685 Mm-Hmm. between us. I know how to end that. 1503 01:05:47,955 --> 01:05:49,965 Yeah. That being y'all. Yeah. . 1504 01:05:50,485 --> 01:05:54,165 I I guess we can, I can just stop now. 1505 01:05:54,165 --> 01:05:55,365 Do you have any final thoughts 1506 01:05:56,345 --> 01:05:57,345 - On this? 1507 01:05:57,345 --> 01:05:58,365 No, I think I've, I've pretty much, 1508 01:05:58,675 --> 01:05:59,675 - Yeah. 1509 01:05:59,675 --> 01:06:00,685 I can't, I can't tie it up in a little 1510 01:06:00,685 --> 01:06:01,805 bow and give a resolution 1511 01:06:01,805 --> 01:06:02,805 - Because it's just No. 1512 01:06:02,805 --> 01:06:05,045 And, and it's, it's, it's not something at this point 1513 01:06:05,155 --> 01:06:08,725 that you can just tie up with a ribbon and, you know, 1514 01:06:09,045 --> 01:06:10,285 - I mean, you could tie me up with a ribbon, 1515 01:06:10,425 --> 01:06:12,165 but when do we have time 1516 01:06:12,605 --> 01:06:13,605 - ? 1517 01:06:13,605 --> 01:06:15,845 - Yeah. And if you fell asleep while I was tied up Yeah. 1518 01:06:16,085 --> 01:06:18,125 I would be pissed about that . 1519 01:06:20,395 --> 01:06:21,645 That one would upset me. 1520 01:06:22,085 --> 01:06:24,125 - - Because knowing my luck, 1521 01:06:24,505 --> 01:06:27,085 the safety scissors would be like not near me. 1522 01:06:27,555 --> 01:06:28,555 Yeah. 1523 01:06:30,385 --> 01:06:34,965 - So, yeah. You know, it's, uh, yeah. 1524 01:06:35,835 --> 01:06:38,245 - Yeah. We're here. Mm-Hmm. . I love you. 1525 01:06:38,605 --> 01:06:40,965 - I love you too. - I'm happy to be your submissive. 1526 01:06:41,425 --> 01:06:42,885 - I'm happy to be your daddy. Daddy. 1527 01:06:42,915 --> 01:06:44,365 - Dumb. I would like to be a better 1528 01:06:44,365 --> 01:06:45,525 submissive, but, you know, 1529 01:06:46,355 --> 01:06:47,355 - Work in progress. 1530 01:06:47,355 --> 01:06:51,365 I, I, I think, you know, it's all a, 1531 01:06:51,485 --> 01:06:53,125 a work in progress for all of us. 1532 01:06:53,125 --> 01:06:54,725 Mm-Hmm. and I, I think that's, um, 1533 01:06:56,315 --> 01:06:57,525 kind of what it's all about. 1534 01:06:57,785 --> 01:06:59,325 Mm-Hmm. and understanding 1535 01:06:59,325 --> 01:07:01,685 that it's a work in progress and Yeah. 1536 01:07:02,945 --> 01:07:04,645 - And I have to remember that sometimes you can just sit 1537 01:07:04,645 --> 01:07:06,365 down and have a conversation and there won't be a 1538 01:07:06,605 --> 01:07:07,885 resolution, but that doesn't mean 1539 01:07:08,165 --> 01:07:09,645 that the conversation isn't worth having. 1540 01:07:09,655 --> 01:07:11,525 Right. You know, me, I'm a fixer. 1541 01:07:11,745 --> 01:07:12,765 If we're gonna sit down 1542 01:07:13,185 --> 01:07:14,485 and talk about a thing, I want us 1543 01:07:14,485 --> 01:07:16,045 to also come up with all the solutions and 1544 01:07:16,245 --> 01:07:17,245 - I Susan to fix it all and, 1545 01:07:17,265 --> 01:07:18,845 - And then implement them and make life better. 1546 01:07:18,945 --> 01:07:20,405 - And that's not always the case though. 1547 01:07:20,505 --> 01:07:22,325 - And then what even is the point if we can't do 1548 01:07:22,325 --> 01:07:27,285 that , I, I know who I am, y'all. 1549 01:07:27,565 --> 01:07:31,325 I do . So that might be a 1550 01:07:32,395 --> 01:07:33,845 dissatisfying end for anybody 1551 01:07:34,025 --> 01:07:36,685 who also likes little neat bow Mm-Hmm. 1552 01:07:36,725 --> 01:07:38,165 res, uh, resolutions. Mm-Hmm. . 1553 01:07:38,395 --> 01:07:40,325 What I'll say is I don't, I don't know 1554 01:07:40,325 --> 01:07:41,765 what anybody would've gotten out of this other than, 1555 01:07:41,765 --> 01:07:43,565 oh my God, would these two shut the fuck up about 1556 01:07:43,565 --> 01:07:44,725 their personal problems. 1557 01:07:44,815 --> 01:07:46,605 Right. Uh, that's fair. 1558 01:07:47,065 --> 01:07:48,485 Um, I, 1559 01:07:48,645 --> 01:07:51,245 I guess the thing I would hope anybody else walks away 1560 01:07:51,245 --> 01:07:54,725 with is, is this, that even if you can't come up 1561 01:07:54,725 --> 01:07:56,485 with a resolution, you know, there's no resolution 1562 01:07:56,625 --> 01:07:58,405 and you can't change anything about what's going on. 1563 01:07:58,405 --> 01:07:59,365 Mm-Hmm. , it's still worth having 1564 01:07:59,365 --> 01:08:00,045 the conversation. 1565 01:08:00,795 --> 01:08:03,685 Yeah. And check-ins aren't, 1566 01:08:04,955 --> 01:08:07,685 they never have been just for when things are going well. 1567 01:08:08,345 --> 01:08:11,085 Um, or you're trying to, like, you get you, 1568 01:08:11,865 --> 01:08:15,805 or for when you can focus on your power exchange. 1569 01:08:16,365 --> 01:08:19,485 I think they're equally, if not more important when you know 1570 01:08:19,485 --> 01:08:21,845 that you haven't been able to focus on your power exchange. 1571 01:08:21,845 --> 01:08:25,245 Because then the check-in becomes a, Hey, uh, 1572 01:08:25,265 --> 01:08:28,685 let me acknowledge what, where I'm maybe not doing my best. 1573 01:08:28,975 --> 01:08:30,365 Let's talk about what's going on. 1574 01:08:30,535 --> 01:08:33,245 Let's make sure we're still on the same page because Mm-Hmm. 1575 01:08:33,285 --> 01:08:36,085 that has been the hardest thing is when I feel 1576 01:08:36,085 --> 01:08:37,245 disconnected from you. 1577 01:08:37,465 --> 01:08:41,365 Not in the, it's so weird when I feel disconnected from JB 1578 01:08:41,365 --> 01:08:42,805 because he is going through something 1579 01:08:42,805 --> 01:08:45,245 and has pulled away from me, I find that intolerable 1580 01:08:45,425 --> 01:08:48,245 and unbearable , and we are going to solve that. 1581 01:08:49,145 --> 01:08:51,885 - But - When I feel disconnected, either 1582 01:08:52,045 --> 01:08:54,285 because I'm going through my own shit Mm-Hmm. 1583 01:08:54,325 --> 01:08:56,485 or because we're both being pulled 1584 01:08:57,265 --> 01:08:58,485 in different directions 1585 01:08:58,545 --> 01:09:00,725 and it's ha it's, uh, happening at the same time. 1586 01:09:00,725 --> 01:09:02,965 So I'm not focusing on how you've pulled away from me 1587 01:09:03,725 --> 01:09:05,325 'cause it, we're, we're just, 1588 01:09:05,745 --> 01:09:06,845 it feels like we're pulling away 1589 01:09:07,005 --> 01:09:08,245 together, if that makes any sense. 1590 01:09:08,565 --> 01:09:12,285 Probably not. Um, and then I lost the train of thought, 1591 01:09:12,665 --> 01:09:16,565 but , when we can sit down 1592 01:09:16,585 --> 01:09:20,285 and talk about it, I feel less alone. 1593 01:09:20,945 --> 01:09:24,605 Mm-Hmm. and things are still what they are, 1594 01:09:24,745 --> 01:09:28,085 but they don't feel as unbearable. Right. 1595 01:09:28,395 --> 01:09:31,365 - Well, I I'm, I'm, I'm going to try 1596 01:09:31,365 --> 01:09:32,605 and finish your train of thought 1597 01:09:32,605 --> 01:09:33,725 that you lost a little bit there 1598 01:09:33,725 --> 01:09:37,285 because you were saying how when, when I pull myself away, 1599 01:09:37,745 --> 01:09:39,645 you jump in and you wanna fix it. Yeah. 1600 01:09:39,965 --> 01:09:41,085 - I can't, I can't handle it. You, 1601 01:09:41,145 --> 01:09:42,445 - You gotta reconnect to me and I 1602 01:09:42,445 --> 01:09:46,245 and when you pull away, you're just like, no. 1603 01:09:46,555 --> 01:09:47,555 Back. Get away. 1604 01:09:48,585 --> 01:09:51,245 - Oh, I'm, uh, we might joke about how I'm a Scorpio bitch, 1605 01:09:51,305 --> 01:09:55,405 but that is probably never truer than when I'm, I'm sort 1606 01:09:55,405 --> 01:09:56,525 of self isolating Yeah. 1607 01:09:56,525 --> 01:09:58,405 And closed off. Yeah. Mm-Hmm. . 1608 01:09:58,605 --> 01:10:01,085 'cause I get it in my head that my problems aren't solvable, 1609 01:10:01,305 --> 01:10:03,325 but if I can just so nobody can help me. 1610 01:10:03,585 --> 01:10:06,605 But if I can just obsess over the problems problem, 1611 01:10:06,605 --> 01:10:09,965 I'll come up with a solution and fix it myself. 1612 01:10:11,925 --> 01:10:15,525 I could, I could probably keep a therapist in Starbucks 1613 01:10:15,545 --> 01:10:19,605 for life if I would just go see one, uh, 1614 01:10:21,785 --> 01:10:24,165 so much to unpack, so much to unpack . 1615 01:10:24,825 --> 01:10:28,885 Um, so yeah. 1616 01:10:29,125 --> 01:10:33,085 I, you know, nothing necessary to learn 1617 01:10:33,975 --> 01:10:37,285 other than that JB accidentally turned down a blow job. 1618 01:10:37,685 --> 01:10:40,045 . Um, 1619 01:10:40,225 --> 01:10:44,965 but if it prompts you to have your own conversations Yeah. 1620 01:10:44,985 --> 01:10:46,205 And I think that's a good thing. Mm-Hmm. 1621 01:10:46,245 --> 01:10:48,165 I think that that, um, 1622 01:10:48,995 --> 01:10:50,765 even when you can't fix it, talking 1623 01:10:50,765 --> 01:10:52,845 through it is still helpful on, and sometimes 1624 01:10:52,845 --> 01:10:54,125 - It's helpful just to talk about 1625 01:10:54,125 --> 01:10:55,125 - It. 1626 01:10:55,125 --> 01:10:56,125 Yeah. And sometimes I avoid that 1627 01:10:56,125 --> 01:10:57,845 because I'm like, I don't wanna talk about a thing I can't 1628 01:10:57,845 --> 01:11:01,165 solve because that's just reminding me that Yeah. 1629 01:11:01,195 --> 01:11:02,445 That I can't solve the problem. 1630 01:11:02,955 --> 01:11:04,685 - Yeah. - But you know what it, 1631 01:11:05,135 --> 01:11:07,485 those times I'm not meant to have that conversation. 1632 01:11:07,485 --> 01:11:11,325 And then there will come a moment where I'm like, I just, 1633 01:11:11,445 --> 01:11:13,085 I wanna, I wanna be with my daddy 1634 01:11:13,265 --> 01:11:14,965 and let's just have a conversation 1635 01:11:15,065 --> 01:11:16,325 and wherever it goes, it goes. 1636 01:11:16,385 --> 01:11:17,765 And then I can talk about that. 1637 01:11:19,595 --> 01:11:21,445 It's helpful if you put it on the internet 1638 01:11:21,445 --> 01:11:23,285 and you give yourself, uh, an audience 1639 01:11:23,605 --> 01:11:24,085 - . Yeah. Right. 1640 01:11:24,865 --> 01:11:29,445 - Uh, your mileage may vary. . Um, okay. 1641 01:11:29,635 --> 01:11:31,885 Alright. That's, that's a lot from us. 1642 01:11:32,205 --> 01:11:34,605 I, if it makes anybody feel any better, 1643 01:11:34,715 --> 01:11:36,485 I've already planned out next week's episode 1644 01:11:36,545 --> 01:11:40,925 and it should not be this fucking heavy or whatever. 1645 01:11:40,925 --> 01:11:43,725 This was, this next week I think will be a fun one. 1646 01:11:43,845 --> 01:11:46,965 'cause we haven't done it in a few weeks, so. Okay. Okay. 1647 01:11:46,965 --> 01:11:49,045 Yeah. We can do a bonus section. Okay. 1648 01:11:50,345 --> 01:11:53,845 - So, uh, are we good? - I'm probably not the one to ask 1649 01:11:54,525 --> 01:11:55,525 - . 1650 01:11:55,525 --> 01:11:58,285 . Keep it kinky 1651 01:11:58,285 --> 01:11:59,285 - Y'all. 1652 01:11:59,285 --> 01:11:59,285 And we'll see you 1653 01:12:09,185 --> 01:12:09,965 all. Todd. 1654 01:12:10,825 --> 01:12:13,205 - Yes, baby girl. - Can I talk to the crickets? 1655 01:12:14,635 --> 01:12:17,725 - Sure. - I don't know what to say, . 1656 01:12:18,725 --> 01:12:20,165 - I mean, I got Nope, now you gotta say something. 1657 01:12:20,165 --> 01:12:22,645 I know you asked to talk and I gave you permission, so I've 1658 01:12:22,645 --> 01:12:24,285 - Got like a laundry list of things that are going on. 1659 01:12:24,605 --> 01:12:26,685 I don't, sometimes I get very 1660 01:12:27,005 --> 01:12:28,325 self-conscious about the bonus section. 1661 01:12:28,645 --> 01:12:32,005 'cause I, I am imagine the meanest possible person 1662 01:12:32,025 --> 01:12:33,965 who could come across our content who doesn't know us 1663 01:12:34,185 --> 01:12:36,605 and be like, why the fuck are you telling anybody this? 1664 01:12:36,765 --> 01:12:38,485 I am not nice to myself. 1665 01:12:39,435 --> 01:12:42,885 When life gets stressful, just , I default to 1666 01:12:43,585 --> 01:12:45,885 the meanest voice in my head possible. 1667 01:12:46,155 --> 01:12:48,725 It's, I, I'm not happy about it, 1668 01:12:48,945 --> 01:12:50,205 but I do recognize what happens. 1669 01:12:50,765 --> 01:12:53,005 . So let's see. I'll go through the laundry list. 1670 01:12:53,305 --> 01:12:57,685 Um, I somehow convinced, uh, uh, 1671 01:12:58,645 --> 01:12:59,965 a doctor I really don't vibe with 1672 01:12:59,985 --> 01:13:01,405 to please give me my estrogen 1673 01:13:01,405 --> 01:13:06,325 and testosterone back then I'm miserable, uh, without, 1674 01:13:06,845 --> 01:13:09,565 I no longer have a, a uterus or a cervix. 1675 01:13:09,625 --> 01:13:13,885 And so those, uh, uh, hormones are like wonky, 1676 01:13:13,885 --> 01:13:15,525 but they were wonky even when I did have 1677 01:13:15,525 --> 01:13:16,605 all of the, the plumbing. 1678 01:13:16,745 --> 01:13:18,925 And so please let me have that medication back. . 1679 01:13:18,965 --> 01:13:21,765 I am miserable. And she reluctantly did. 1680 01:13:23,305 --> 01:13:26,605 Um, I've only been on it a few days, so I don't, 1681 01:13:27,475 --> 01:13:29,925 it's not long, not been long enough for anything. 1682 01:13:30,425 --> 01:13:32,605 But it's, it's, I feel like it's a 1683 01:13:32,605 --> 01:13:33,685 step in the right direction. 1684 01:13:33,685 --> 01:13:35,285 Which, it's weird. 1685 01:13:35,585 --> 01:13:37,325 I'd only been off the medication for like three 1686 01:13:37,325 --> 01:13:40,485 and a half, four months, but it was all happening in the 1687 01:13:40,485 --> 01:13:41,365 midst of all these other 1688 01:13:41,365 --> 01:13:42,525 changes that have been taking place. 1689 01:13:42,545 --> 01:13:44,925 And so I stopped feeling hopeful about anything. Mm-Hmm. 1690 01:13:44,965 --> 01:13:46,085 . And then getting that one change, 1691 01:13:46,085 --> 01:13:47,445 even though she was so reluctant. 1692 01:13:47,445 --> 01:13:50,445 And she's just not a doctor I vibe with. 1693 01:13:51,065 --> 01:13:53,645 Um, but I also don't have the mental 1694 01:13:53,665 --> 01:13:55,005 energy to go look for another doctor. 1695 01:13:55,065 --> 01:13:57,045 So it's like, what the fuck ever, um, 1696 01:13:57,755 --> 01:13:59,165 that I felt like I felt hopeful. 1697 01:13:59,385 --> 01:14:00,965 Mm-Hmm. when she was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1698 01:14:00,965 --> 01:14:04,005 And then of course she was slow to move 1699 01:14:04,145 --> 01:14:06,285 to get me the prescriptions that I need. 1700 01:14:06,305 --> 01:14:09,085 And I had to do some stuff to make it happen on my own. 1701 01:14:09,165 --> 01:14:11,005 I had to work for it, but, you know, whatever. 1702 01:14:11,085 --> 01:14:13,485 At least I got it. Um, I'm finally gonna go to a doctor, 1703 01:14:13,625 --> 01:14:16,725 my doctor on Friday about whatever's going on with my arms. 1704 01:14:16,725 --> 01:14:18,165 Mm-Hmm. neck and shoulders, 1705 01:14:18,735 --> 01:14:21,405 which has been keeping me from sleeping a full night 1706 01:14:21,545 --> 01:14:24,165 for a year at this point. 1707 01:14:24,165 --> 01:14:26,685 Maybe. Hmm. Maybe not quite that long, 1708 01:14:26,705 --> 01:14:27,725 - But No, not quite that long. 1709 01:14:27,955 --> 01:14:31,725 - Well, definitely almost six months, but maybe, Mm-Hmm. 1710 01:14:31,765 --> 01:14:33,525 , I don't know. So I am, 1711 01:14:33,545 --> 01:14:36,245 uh, I'm looking forward to that. 1712 01:14:36,325 --> 01:14:38,205 I don't know that. I think all she's gonna do is go, 1713 01:14:38,285 --> 01:14:39,365 I think I need to refer you 1714 01:14:39,365 --> 01:14:41,925 to the orthopedic doctor and I'll be like, okay. 1715 01:14:42,485 --> 01:14:44,005 - Probably send you for an X-ray first. Yeah. 1716 01:14:44,005 --> 01:14:46,165 - They usually do. I, I think the question I'm gonna be is, 1717 01:14:46,265 --> 01:14:48,205 is there anything you can give me that will help 1718 01:14:48,205 --> 01:14:49,485 with this pain at night? 1719 01:14:49,635 --> 01:14:52,205 Because I would like to try to sleep again. Thanks. 1720 01:14:52,785 --> 01:14:54,245 Um, I know that's part of a lot 1721 01:14:54,245 --> 01:14:56,485 of my emotional problems is I'm just not sleeping well. 1722 01:14:56,665 --> 01:14:58,445 And that will fuck you up For sure. 1723 01:14:59,065 --> 01:15:01,125 Um, what else is on my laundry list of things? 1724 01:15:01,665 --> 01:15:05,205 Um, we're gonna go on our little road trip to buy Yes. 1725 01:15:05,455 --> 01:15:06,725 Micah. Mm-Hmm. , which 1726 01:15:06,725 --> 01:15:07,805 is what we use in our resin. 1727 01:15:07,805 --> 01:15:09,365 For anybody who's like, what the fuck is Micah? 1728 01:15:09,875 --> 01:15:11,405 It's colored and pigment. 1729 01:15:11,595 --> 01:15:13,765 - Well, the, the place we've been buying from, 1730 01:15:13,835 --> 01:15:15,445 they're here in Florida. 1731 01:15:15,585 --> 01:15:17,805 Mm-Hmm. and, um Mm-Hmm. . 1732 01:15:17,975 --> 01:15:20,485 We've been really, really pleased 1733 01:15:20,595 --> 01:15:22,805 with their product and their colors. 1734 01:15:23,945 --> 01:15:25,205 Um, we, 1735 01:15:26,415 --> 01:15:29,005 while shopping on the internet is well 1736 01:15:29,005 --> 01:15:31,725 and good, sometimes you don't get a true 1737 01:15:31,725 --> 01:15:33,005 representation of the color. 1738 01:15:33,025 --> 01:15:34,445 Mm-Hmm. online. 1739 01:15:35,265 --> 01:15:39,765 So we, uh, want to go see what they have in person. Yep. 1740 01:15:40,065 --> 01:15:42,885 - Yep. We had always told ourself if we ever got 1741 01:15:42,885 --> 01:15:44,365 to go shop in person, we would, 1742 01:15:44,425 --> 01:15:46,485 we would just buy everything we wanted that . 1743 01:15:47,425 --> 01:15:49,805 We are adorable. We're gonna go in with a list 1744 01:15:49,805 --> 01:15:51,085 and a budget, but that's okay. 1745 01:15:51,085 --> 01:15:55,725 Mm-Hmm. . That's okay. Um, so 1746 01:15:57,355 --> 01:15:58,605 yeah, we're doing that this weekend. 1747 01:15:58,945 --> 01:16:02,565 Mm-Hmm. . Um, the 18-year-old has a concert 1748 01:16:02,955 --> 01:16:05,845 this Thursday night that we're gonna go see. 1749 01:16:06,425 --> 01:16:08,645 I'm very excited about that. I've not seen the child since 1750 01:16:09,345 --> 01:16:10,725 - That's right. Tomorrow night. Oh my. Yeah. 1751 01:16:10,725 --> 01:16:12,365 - Oh my God. When was the last time I saw that child? 1752 01:16:14,385 --> 01:16:18,485 - Um, would've been back in December. mid-December though. I 1753 01:16:18,635 --> 01:16:21,325 - Late December when he came home for Chris. Oh 1754 01:16:21,325 --> 01:16:24,325 - My, when your mom - No, he came home for Christmas 1755 01:16:24,565 --> 01:16:25,965 'cause he went to the concert with us. 1756 01:16:27,065 --> 01:16:29,325 - Oh, that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The TSO. 1757 01:16:29,585 --> 01:16:31,045 - Has that been the last time I saw 1758 01:16:31,785 --> 01:16:34,365 my baby boy who is not a baby boy? 1759 01:16:34,365 --> 01:16:37,245 He's a fucking adult, but whatever, whatever. Oh my god. 1760 01:16:37,465 --> 01:16:38,605 Has it really been that long? 1761 01:16:38,965 --> 01:16:40,525 - I just saw him this past weekend. I 1762 01:16:40,525 --> 01:16:41,525 - Know. 1763 01:16:41,525 --> 01:16:43,005 And you saw him a couple weekends before. Yeah. 1764 01:16:44,065 --> 01:16:45,205 But yeah, we're gonna see him 1765 01:16:45,205 --> 01:16:47,645 and he's gonna hate it when I like hang on his neck 1766 01:16:47,665 --> 01:16:49,325 for like longer than he probably wants 1767 01:16:49,605 --> 01:16:50,605 - because I'll be like, 1768 01:16:50,885 --> 01:16:51,885 - I have missed you. 1769 01:16:52,385 --> 01:16:54,965 Um, but yeah, we're gonna go watch his concert on Thursday. 1770 01:16:55,905 --> 01:16:58,365 Um, oh, this is the, 1771 01:16:58,585 --> 01:17:01,205 the youngest has lots of doctor's appointments. 1772 01:17:01,205 --> 01:17:02,565 There's just lots of stuff going on. 1773 01:17:03,065 --> 01:17:05,445 But I did have a win this week, so 1774 01:17:06,285 --> 01:17:08,885 pediatrician was not helpful. 1775 01:17:09,265 --> 01:17:10,365 But I always start with the 1776 01:17:10,365 --> 01:17:11,805 pediatrician when it's like new stuff. 1777 01:17:11,805 --> 01:17:14,765 Like take a look, make, make sure like it's, 1778 01:17:14,795 --> 01:17:16,405 tell me if it's something that like you need 1779 01:17:16,405 --> 01:17:17,925 to prescribe something or blah blah. 1780 01:17:18,465 --> 01:17:21,045 Uh, we did that and he was like, oh you need to call his, 1781 01:17:21,265 --> 01:17:22,765 his gi his this, his that. 1782 01:17:22,765 --> 01:17:24,725 And I was like, okay, you are not helpful at all. 1783 01:17:25,185 --> 01:17:27,645 Nor did he, he didn't deny, 1784 01:17:27,685 --> 01:17:29,285 but he also didn't validate when I was like, 1785 01:17:29,285 --> 01:17:30,885 you see all this laundry list of symptoms? 1786 01:17:30,945 --> 01:17:32,325 Do you think they could be connected? 1787 01:17:32,325 --> 01:17:36,565 He was like, uh, so helpful. So helpful. Yeah. 1788 01:17:37,225 --> 01:17:39,965 Um, anyway, so when I called the GI doctor, 1789 01:17:40,285 --> 01:17:41,685 'cause I knew that was gonna be the next call I needed 1790 01:17:41,685 --> 01:17:43,885 to make, but I was like, they were like, I am so sorry. 1791 01:17:44,145 --> 01:17:47,285 Our next appointment is not available until January 1792 01:17:47,625 --> 01:17:49,165 of 2025. 1793 01:17:49,545 --> 01:17:53,645 And I went, yeah, what what? Yeah. 1794 01:17:54,395 --> 01:17:56,045 They said, let, we'll get you on the schedule 1795 01:17:56,065 --> 01:17:58,005 so you have an appointment officially 1796 01:17:58,305 --> 01:17:59,765 and then you can call at any point 1797 01:18:00,025 --> 01:18:00,845 to see if we have 1798 01:18:01,155 --> 01:18:02,965 cancellations or openings that have come up. 1799 01:18:03,025 --> 01:18:04,525 And I'm like, okay. 1800 01:18:05,385 --> 01:18:07,565 And so then the 14-year-old had like a really bad 1801 01:18:07,585 --> 01:18:08,845 day physically. 1802 01:18:08,845 --> 01:18:10,605 And I went, I've gotta call this GI doctor. 1803 01:18:10,645 --> 01:18:11,565 I didn't think I was gonna call today, 1804 01:18:11,565 --> 01:18:12,285 but I'm gonna call today. 1805 01:18:12,505 --> 01:18:14,285 It was like a few days later I call back 1806 01:18:14,985 --> 01:18:18,565 and I get just the nicest, most helpful human on the planet. 1807 01:18:19,145 --> 01:18:20,765 And she's telling me, she's like, well they've, 1808 01:18:20,765 --> 01:18:23,405 they've put a hold on scheduling stuff 1809 01:18:23,405 --> 01:18:24,965 because they're going through some 1810 01:18:25,845 --> 01:18:26,965 restructuring or whatever, whatever. 1811 01:18:27,145 --> 01:18:28,685 She was like, that's probably why there wasn't anything 1812 01:18:28,685 --> 01:18:30,045 available till 2025. 1813 01:18:30,365 --> 01:18:32,645 I was like, yeah, I get that, but can you just check? 1814 01:18:32,645 --> 01:18:34,805 And she goes, yeah, lemme pull up the master or whatever. 1815 01:18:35,145 --> 01:18:39,445 She goes, and this was what on it was on Monday I called. 1816 01:18:40,145 --> 01:18:43,005 She goes, I have an appointment open for next Monday. 1817 01:18:43,245 --> 01:18:44,805 I went, I don't care what time it is. 1818 01:18:44,925 --> 01:18:47,685 I don't care what office it is, who we'll take it. 1819 01:18:48,385 --> 01:18:51,165 Um, so that was delightful. 1820 01:18:51,985 --> 01:18:56,125 Um, yeah, I almost, 1821 01:18:57,125 --> 01:18:59,445 I had, I don't, I don't ever wanna be a Karen. 1822 01:19:00,285 --> 01:19:01,765 I don't ever wanna be a Karen. 1823 01:19:02,245 --> 01:19:04,565 I don't ever wanna be a Karen, 1824 01:19:04,625 --> 01:19:07,445 but I think I understand the urge sometimes. 1825 01:19:08,225 --> 01:19:11,165 So psychiatrist's office, the kid's got anxiety. 1826 01:19:11,385 --> 01:19:12,765 We have to manage that medically. 1827 01:19:12,785 --> 01:19:14,245 We tried not managing that medically 1828 01:19:14,385 --> 01:19:17,165 and that was the worst two months 1829 01:19:17,185 --> 01:19:20,325 of anybody's lives in this house, certainly for the kid. 1830 01:19:21,185 --> 01:19:23,925 So he's got an appointment, we drive to it while I'm driving 1831 01:19:23,925 --> 01:19:25,085 to it, it's 45 minutes away 1832 01:19:25,085 --> 01:19:27,445 because he does not want telehealth. 1833 01:19:27,745 --> 01:19:29,045 He does not function well with it. 1834 01:19:29,045 --> 01:19:31,085 So I'm like, fine, we'll go in person, 1835 01:19:31,185 --> 01:19:32,645 but the office is 45 minutes away. 1836 01:19:32,945 --> 01:19:34,565 I'm on the highway driving to the office. 1837 01:19:35,305 --> 01:19:39,165 The billing department is calling me demanding payment 1838 01:19:39,345 --> 01:19:40,365 before the appointment. 1839 01:19:40,385 --> 01:19:41,685 Now here's how the office works. 1840 01:19:42,585 --> 01:19:45,365 You, they don't let the doctor know you're there to see them 1841 01:19:45,375 --> 01:19:46,605 until they collect payment. 1842 01:19:46,905 --> 01:19:50,565 So they were gonna get payment before the appointment. 1843 01:19:51,445 --> 01:19:53,485 I can't answer the phone when I'm driving down the fucking 1844 01:19:53,485 --> 01:19:58,445 highway, nor do I like that office enough to be willing to. 1845 01:19:59,025 --> 01:20:01,805 So they call 45 minutes out from the appointment. 1846 01:20:02,425 --> 01:20:03,725 We get there 15 minutes early. 1847 01:20:03,925 --> 01:20:04,925 'cause that's what they always tell you to do. 1848 01:20:04,925 --> 01:20:07,245 And I know I gotta make a pain point and I like to be early. 1849 01:20:07,425 --> 01:20:08,645 It helps my anxiety. 1850 01:20:09,965 --> 01:20:12,445 I, my phone's on silent so I did not know this from the time 1851 01:20:13,085 --> 01:20:14,885 I pulled into the parking lot they called. 1852 01:20:15,005 --> 01:20:16,565 I didn't realize it 'cause my phone was in my purse. 1853 01:20:17,235 --> 01:20:18,525 Then I get to the front desk 1854 01:20:18,665 --> 01:20:22,365 and I'm take giving the front desk person my payment 1855 01:20:22,625 --> 01:20:23,725 for his appointment. 1856 01:20:24,725 --> 01:20:25,965 'cause they don't take his insurance 1857 01:20:25,965 --> 01:20:27,885 and we're self-pay until I find him a new doctor. 1858 01:20:30,785 --> 01:20:31,845 She takes my payment 1859 01:20:32,625 --> 01:20:35,605 before she can click the button on her little system 1860 01:20:35,605 --> 01:20:37,565 that says payment received. 1861 01:20:38,195 --> 01:20:39,685 They have called a third time 1862 01:20:40,225 --> 01:20:41,525 and canceled the appointment 1863 01:20:41,525 --> 01:20:44,285 that we're standing in the fucking office. 1864 01:20:44,515 --> 01:20:47,765 Four . I'm sitting in the waiting area. 1865 01:20:47,925 --> 01:20:49,965 I happen to look at my phone. I pull up, thank God 1866 01:20:49,965 --> 01:20:51,245 for transcript on voicemail. 1867 01:20:51,325 --> 01:20:52,245 I pull it up and it says, 1868 01:20:52,245 --> 01:20:53,325 this appointment has been canceled. 1869 01:20:53,545 --> 01:20:57,325 I'm like, what the actual fucking fuck. I calmly . 1870 01:20:58,205 --> 01:21:00,405 I quickly walked to the front off desk 1871 01:21:00,505 --> 01:21:03,085 and I'm holding my phone and I said, excuse me. 1872 01:21:03,105 --> 01:21:05,565 She goes, oh, I saw it. I'm fixing it. 1873 01:21:06,225 --> 01:21:08,525 She goes, they literally did that right as I was about 1874 01:21:08,525 --> 01:21:11,445 to click the button that says payment received . 1875 01:21:12,755 --> 01:21:16,205 Then the doctor had gotten the message 1876 01:21:16,675 --> 01:21:18,085 that the appointment was canceled 1877 01:21:18,145 --> 01:21:21,845 and didn't see the message rescheduled. 1878 01:21:22,545 --> 01:21:25,725 So we waited 20 minutes in the waiting room 1879 01:21:25,785 --> 01:21:28,685 and it was that front desk person deserves a raise 1880 01:21:28,825 --> 01:21:32,685 and a medal because she's the one that went to the office 1881 01:21:32,865 --> 01:21:35,565 and was like, your nine 30 is here and has been here. 1882 01:21:35,945 --> 01:21:37,645 He comes out mortified. 1883 01:21:37,675 --> 01:21:38,525 He's like, I got a message 1884 01:21:38,525 --> 01:21:39,605 that the appointment was canceled. 1885 01:21:39,705 --> 01:21:42,245 I'm like, yeah, that was your billing office doing 1886 01:21:42,245 --> 01:21:43,765 that while we were standing here. 1887 01:21:44,305 --> 01:21:45,725 He was like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. 1888 01:21:45,725 --> 01:21:47,925 We get through the appointment, the kid gets the medication. 1889 01:21:47,965 --> 01:21:49,765 I wanted him to be on 'cause we know what fucking works. 1890 01:21:49,865 --> 01:21:52,205 And I, and he gives us three months of refills 1891 01:21:52,205 --> 01:21:53,765 and I'm like, hot fucking damn. 1892 01:21:53,765 --> 01:21:55,285 That means I don't have to deal with this place 1893 01:21:55,305 --> 01:21:58,325 for three fucking months and I'll go find a new 1894 01:21:58,905 --> 01:22:03,125 psychiatrist's office then the fucking rob of this, y'all. 1895 01:22:03,425 --> 01:22:04,525 Oh my God. 1896 01:22:06,225 --> 01:22:08,365 So he said, you don't have 1897 01:22:08,365 --> 01:22:10,445 to worry about scheduling a follow up while you're here. 1898 01:22:10,865 --> 01:22:13,125 No big deal. If you need, if something comes up 1899 01:22:13,125 --> 01:22:15,325 and you need me, go ahead. 1900 01:22:15,325 --> 01:22:17,645 Call. We'll get you in. He's like, but 1901 01:22:17,645 --> 01:22:19,525 otherwise you can wait and make that follow up 1902 01:22:19,525 --> 01:22:20,845 for, for three months from now. 1903 01:22:20,865 --> 01:22:22,165 I'm like, okay, fine. In my head I'm going, 1904 01:22:22,385 --> 01:22:23,685 I'm not making another goddamn 1905 01:22:23,685 --> 01:22:25,125 appointment with you motherfuckers. 1906 01:22:25,125 --> 01:22:26,845 But I didn't say that to him because it's not 1907 01:22:26,845 --> 01:22:27,925 his fault that the mm-Hmm. 1908 01:22:27,965 --> 01:22:31,325 admin side of this place is close nuts. Yeah. 1909 01:22:32,145 --> 01:22:33,965 Now here's the fucking irony. 1910 01:22:35,445 --> 01:22:38,805 I didn't make an appointment that day. Right? Right. 1911 01:22:39,445 --> 01:22:44,205 , the next day I get an email 1912 01:22:44,705 --> 01:22:47,285 and a voicemail about how, hey, 1913 01:22:47,345 --> 01:22:49,085 you didn't make a follow-up appointment 1914 01:22:49,085 --> 01:22:50,365 and follow-up appointments are important 1915 01:22:50,365 --> 01:22:51,565 for continuation of care. 1916 01:22:51,905 --> 01:22:56,085 Oh really? The appointments are important for a continuation 1917 01:22:56,085 --> 01:22:57,285 of goddamn care. 1918 01:22:57,385 --> 01:22:59,365 Who would've thought would you call 1919 01:22:59,985 --> 01:23:01,165 at your earliest convenience 1920 01:23:01,165 --> 01:23:03,845 and make that follow up appointment at the same time? 1921 01:23:04,545 --> 01:23:06,885 The billing office calls? No, not the billing. 1922 01:23:06,885 --> 01:23:10,205 Like the, the some other part of their admin goes, oh, 1923 01:23:10,745 --> 01:23:13,405 we see that your appointment was canceled, 1924 01:23:14,425 --> 01:23:15,685 but now you've made payment 1925 01:23:15,865 --> 01:23:17,725 and if you would like to reschedule 1926 01:23:17,835 --> 01:23:19,605 that canceled appointment. 1927 01:23:21,475 --> 01:23:25,285 - Yeah. They're a they're a hot mess. 1928 01:23:28,875 --> 01:23:31,335 - And then the next day I didn't tell you I got another 1929 01:23:31,395 --> 01:23:34,415 follow up email slash voicemail about how 1930 01:23:35,075 --> 01:23:36,975 you should really make that follow up appointment. 1931 01:23:36,975 --> 01:23:39,375 It's good for continuation of care, continuity 1932 01:23:39,375 --> 01:23:40,535 of care, whatever they say. 1933 01:23:41,725 --> 01:23:45,935 - Whew. Yeah. Are you fucking 1934 01:23:45,935 --> 01:23:46,935 - Kidding me? 1935 01:23:46,935 --> 01:23:47,735 . This is the same place 1936 01:23:48,445 --> 01:23:51,855 that the kids new health insurance, new to him, I mean, 1937 01:23:52,635 --> 01:23:57,135 is listed on the psychiatrist's office website as insurance. 1938 01:23:57,135 --> 01:24:01,895 They take, it's listed on the insurance sites thing 1939 01:24:01,895 --> 01:24:04,175 of find a provider listed twice. 1940 01:24:04,475 --> 01:24:07,655 The pediatrician still has that office listed 1941 01:24:07,755 --> 01:24:10,295 as they accept this kind of insurance. 1942 01:24:10,395 --> 01:24:11,935 Mm-Hmm. , because I, I asked for, 1943 01:24:12,075 --> 01:24:14,175 you have a list of, you know, psychiatrists 1944 01:24:14,175 --> 01:24:15,455 that you recommend work with. 1945 01:24:15,485 --> 01:24:17,495 Well, like, give me a list. I gotta start somewhere. 1946 01:24:19,315 --> 01:24:20,575 But I called twice 1947 01:24:21,375 --> 01:24:22,975 'cause I was like, oh, this insurance used 1948 01:24:22,975 --> 01:24:25,255 to be under a different name so lemme call a second time. 1949 01:24:25,495 --> 01:24:26,575 'cause maybe they didn't know the new name. 1950 01:24:26,715 --> 01:24:28,495 Let me give the old name. Mm-Hmm. twice. 1951 01:24:28,555 --> 01:24:30,775 And they were like, Nope, we don't take that insurance. 1952 01:24:30,875 --> 01:24:33,295 And see, here's the thing. I'm willing to bet they might 1953 01:24:33,995 --> 01:24:35,695 - And they just - Don't fucking know They do. 1954 01:24:39,485 --> 01:24:42,255 - Yeah. Yeah. 1955 01:24:47,035 --> 01:24:48,095 - Are you fucking kidding me? 1956 01:24:54,755 --> 01:24:56,615 I'm feeling better about this so I can talk about it 1957 01:24:56,935 --> 01:24:58,215 , because I was very sad about this. 1958 01:24:58,215 --> 01:25:00,095 This is not, this is, there's no segue here. 1959 01:25:00,515 --> 01:25:03,055 That's all going on. And on top of just other things. 1960 01:25:05,035 --> 01:25:08,215 Ben helping the 14 old with lots of things, 1961 01:25:08,235 --> 01:25:09,895 health school, just lots of stuff. 1962 01:25:10,715 --> 01:25:12,815 And I worry about him every moment of every day. 1963 01:25:12,885 --> 01:25:14,295 It's just like, Mm-Hmm. 1964 01:25:14,335 --> 01:25:15,935 can't stop. Won't stop. 1965 01:25:16,245 --> 01:25:17,375 - Yeah. . 1966 01:25:17,795 --> 01:25:21,095 - And then he reminds me, and he's needed me. 1967 01:25:21,135 --> 01:25:22,735 I mean, he said, mom, I I need your help. 1968 01:25:22,855 --> 01:25:24,575 I need I don't leave me. I need you. I need you. 1969 01:25:24,795 --> 01:25:26,815 I'm here, baby. I'm here. Whatever you need. 1970 01:25:27,315 --> 01:25:29,615 And then today I'm trying to talk to him about something 1971 01:25:30,195 --> 01:25:34,575 and he treats me with the utter disdain of all 1972 01:25:35,095 --> 01:25:36,335 teenagers everywhere. 1973 01:25:36,975 --> 01:25:40,695 . And in the moments my feelings were hurt. 1974 01:25:41,275 --> 01:25:43,055 But now I'm like, Aw. 1975 01:25:44,155 --> 01:25:47,535 He, he acted like a typical teenager. Aw. 1976 01:25:47,795 --> 01:25:51,855 He was a little asshole. We love to see it. . 1977 01:25:52,885 --> 01:25:55,975 - Look, - I'm telling you, when, when you have 1978 01:25:55,975 --> 01:25:57,735 to like see a very vulnerable side 1979 01:25:57,735 --> 01:26:02,095 of somebody you care about, first of all, it's a, it's a bit 1980 01:26:02,095 --> 01:26:03,965 of a shock when you get to see their, like 1981 01:26:05,505 --> 01:26:06,725 air quote, typical side. 1982 01:26:06,745 --> 01:26:08,285 Mm-Hmm. . Like, it took me a minute. 1983 01:26:08,285 --> 01:26:09,285 Like my feelings really were hurt. 1984 01:26:09,285 --> 01:26:11,365 I had to walk away and be like, you're the adult. 1985 01:26:12,005 --> 01:26:14,045 Regulate your own emotions. You're the adult. 1986 01:26:14,185 --> 01:26:18,285 Be the adult . I had to go have a moment to myself. 1987 01:26:19,065 --> 01:26:21,725 Um, but now I'm like, I'm in a better frame of mind. 1988 01:26:21,745 --> 01:26:26,285 I'm like, he was a shitty teenager. Aw, . 1989 01:26:27,265 --> 01:26:31,565 That's that's actually a good sign. Yeah. 1990 01:26:32,045 --> 01:26:33,685 I can't even be at him anymore. 1991 01:26:40,905 --> 01:26:45,525 So Yeah. So that's my stuff. . 1992 01:26:47,485 --> 01:26:50,765 I mean, we, we've been sending out orders 1993 01:26:50,985 --> 01:26:53,525 and selling kinky shit and it's delightful. 1994 01:26:53,705 --> 01:26:55,925 And I get such a dopamine hit every fucking time. 1995 01:26:56,505 --> 01:26:58,445 And you and I have good plans for 1996 01:26:58,965 --> 01:27:00,325 restocking what's now sold out. 1997 01:27:00,325 --> 01:27:01,445 Mm-Hmm. . And like we're, 1998 01:27:01,445 --> 01:27:02,725 we're on it and we're doing it. 1999 01:27:02,905 --> 01:27:07,285 And that part, that part is like just clicking away. 2000 01:27:07,285 --> 01:27:08,685 It's, it's doing what it's supposed to do. Yeah. 2001 01:27:08,685 --> 01:27:11,445 It's not where we need it to be financially for 2002 01:27:11,985 --> 01:27:14,725 our personal situation, but it is, it's doing good. 2003 01:27:14,755 --> 01:27:16,245 It's moving in the right direction. Mm-Hmm. . 2004 01:27:17,385 --> 01:27:21,965 But there's Oh, excuse me. Yeah. 2005 01:27:22,765 --> 01:27:24,285 . And when we're done here, 2006 01:27:24,545 --> 01:27:27,005 I'm gonna go do eighth grade math, which means I'm going 2007 01:27:27,005 --> 01:27:31,525 to reteach myself eighth grade math from 30 2008 01:27:31,675 --> 01:27:32,685 plus years ago. 2009 01:27:33,785 --> 01:27:37,365 Uh, and then go do eighth grade math 2010 01:27:37,395 --> 01:27:39,365 with the 14-year-old. 2011 01:27:41,145 --> 01:27:43,005 But I know. So yeah. 2012 01:27:45,525 --> 01:27:48,005 Anything and I, I know I suck up all the oxygen. Anything. 2013 01:27:49,345 --> 01:27:52,725 No, that was enough. Huh? I got nothing. Yeah. Yeah. So. 2014 01:27:53,585 --> 01:27:57,405 Mm-Hmm. . There we are. There we are. Good. 2015 01:27:57,405 --> 01:27:59,045 The bad, the ugly. Yeah. 2016 01:27:59,525 --> 01:28:03,805 usually all in the same five second moment. 2017 01:28:04,025 --> 01:28:07,685 Um, just on a loop. Yeah. Uh, yeah. 2018 01:28:07,765 --> 01:28:09,125 I guess we can be done. Mm-Hmm. 2019 01:28:09,205 --> 01:28:11,165 , uh, if you stuck around till this bitter end, 2020 01:28:11,385 --> 01:28:14,485 you are, uh, fucking amazing. 2021 01:28:14,775 --> 01:28:15,845 Right. Um, 2022 01:28:17,585 --> 01:28:22,165 and I don't have anything else to say to that. 2023 01:28:22,425 --> 01:28:24,405 No thanks to educated for sponsoring. Mm-Hmm. 2024 01:28:24,445 --> 01:28:26,365 they keep sponsoring the chaos. 2025 01:28:26,825 --> 01:28:30,125 So clearly they enjoy the chaos. Yeah. 2026 01:28:30,225 --> 01:28:32,445 Um, I always feel like I feel bad 2027 01:28:32,545 --> 01:28:33,925 and then I'm like, no, they keep coming back. 2028 01:28:34,025 --> 01:28:37,925 So, so they, they enjoy it on some level. . 2029 01:28:39,225 --> 01:28:43,805 Um, yeah, that's all I got. Okay. 2030 01:28:43,925 --> 01:28:45,125 I guess we're gonna stop now. Mm-Hmm. 2031 01:28:45,165 --> 01:28:46,685 just, just stop. Yep. 2032 01:28:47,865 --> 01:28:52,085 Uh, I'm gonna at least say go. Mm-Hmm. . Bye. 2033 01:28:52,265 --> 01:28:56,005 See you next week. Thanks. Hopefully I don't cry next week. 2034 01:28:56,155 --> 01:28:56,885 That would be nice.