- You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast,
episode 3 83.
Okay. The Lord's here with the one, the only, the,
there's never enough caffeine.
We know you need more. You're probably exhausted.
You didn't get enough sleep, John Brownstone.
- Yeah. Not same day. You know, same shit every day.
same shit every day. That's right. Yeah.
There you go. See, I can't even get that out.
- Something's never changed. - , .
- Hey, look, I personally like, dependable, reliable.
I know how it's gonna be.
And even if that's that you're under caffeinated
and overly tired, at least I know how to handle that.
carefully is the answer. If you don't, .
Yeah. It's a little bit like, uh,
poking the sleeping and bear.
You just, you gotta be careful of that.
- Be careful. - So if I'm gonna poke him,
I better have a coffee in the other hand, poke
with one hand, offer the caffeine and the other .
That is not at all what we're talking about
this week, as usual.
We've already gone off the rails. Yep.
This week we're actually gonna do what I keep,
my brain keeps calling like a state of the union.
Yeah. But for our power exchange relationship,
- State of the power exchange.
State of our power exchange.
Yeah. Uh, we do not speak for all power exchanges. Mm-Hmm.
, uh, your results will always vary. .
Yeah. We're gonna, we're gonna
kind of check in with one another.
Uh, see how we're doing. Mm-Hmm.
, uh, somehow, I think is
as always gonna be a, a wild ride.
Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
This is your first time listening. Glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving B DSM is produced every Monday
and Friday for your kinky pleasure and education.
And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add the podcast
to your favorite podcast app.
You can also follow the show on FetLife at Loving
BDSM PC on Instagram and threads at that handle.
I will forever fucking hate loving Ds in the number one,
so at Loving DS one,
or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving bdsm.
Or you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday.
All links are in the show notes. Okay. Okay.
So the first thing, I'm, we got a couple announcements.
First one, I'm just gonna remind you,
we're in the last week-ish,
depending on when you listen slash watch slash whatever.
This of our Patreon membership drive, uh,
our Patreon community is literally sometimes
what keeps the lights on and the cameras going.
So if you've got it to spare
and want to do it, consider joining us on Patreon.
Um, if you join by February 15th,
you'll get some fun little goodies in the mail.
Late March, early April-ish.
Um, if you join as an annual member, um,
you get two months for free.
Uh, if you join as a monthly member,
you can cancel at any time.
That's fine. You just to get the special stuff.
You just have to be a paying member by February 15th, 2024.
Um, and yeah, patreon.com/kill lords link in the places.
I mean, I, I feel like I've said the Patreon link so often
that anybody who's a a repeat person here is probably,
could probably say it with me at this point.
, uh, the next thing,
and, uh, arguably one of the most important things
of the day, Mm-Hmm, , is that I would like
to thank our sponsor.
Educated. Yay. Yay. We love education. Yeah.
Especially about sex and kink. Yay. Mm-Hmm. .
So, if you're not familiar with educated,
'cause you're new here, and I
haven't scared you off already.
Uh, educated is an online learning platform specifically
for sex and kink and relationships.
Do I wish they had a bigger kink section? Of course I do.
Am I impressed with what they have?
And the fact that the classes I've taken have been excellent
education from people
who know what the hell they're talking about.
And it's legitimately helpful stuff. Yes. Yes. .
So they're running a Valentine's Day special right now.
Mm-Hmm. , if you use R Code Loving you save 50%
off, um, which half off is, that's a good deal to me.
Uh, you get 24 hours free trials so you can like, sign up
and look around and see if it's even for you,
if they have the classes you want.
And then if you get past that 24 hours
and you've paid for your membership and you're in it
and you're just not satisfied with what, what they've got,
it's a 14 day money back guarantee.
Nice. So you're not stuck if it,
you find out it's not for you.
Now, some of us celebrate Valentine's
'cause we're those kinds of people, some of us,
even if we're partnered up, are like,
fuck that fake holiday.
I don't know who you are, but I think there's something
for you, regardless of who you are.
So, if you're like all relationship up
and you're all feeling all romantic, there's all kinds
of classes you can take with a partner.
Mm-Hmm. to enhance things.
And, you know, if we're enhancing sexually,
there's oral sex classes, both bits.
Okay. Tab A, slot B, you can get skills there, .
Okay. There's a pegging, uh,
class plus a just strap on play class,
which I'm sure is gonna talk about elements of pegging,
but also elements that are not pegging.
Um, what else? What else, what else? ChAARI wax play.
Um, just rough sex, kinky sex spanking.
What Whatever is floating your boat.
- What, what a great way to spend some time
and kink up your life and learn some things. Right?
- Yeah. And even if you're signaling, you're like,
fuck this Valentine's shit.
But you're like, but, but there's some shit I'd like to,
I'd like to know how to do the next time I'm hooking up
with whoever I'm hooking up with.
There's stuff for you too.
I'm just saying, I'm just saying now,
if you are feeling all romantic
and you're like, Ooh, I wanna, I wanna improve my
relationship, and I've already watched whatever the dumpster
fire is, it's gonna be the State
of the Union episode, .
And I would like to do it better than that.
Then you've got classes on communication and intimacy
and vulnerability and connection
and y'all, so use the link in the places YouTube,
that's description box podcast listeners.
That's, uh, what's it called? Show notes.
Uh, use our link, go and do the thing.
And if you decide to sign up, use code Loving for 50% off
for their Valentine's Day special sale.
Yeah. Mm-Hmm. . And, uh, thanks to educator
for not only sponsoring us this time,
but for continuing to sponsor us, even though we are clearly
chaotic as fuck .
I keep saying I wanna be a professional
and then I keep not being one.
And so I feel like I just need to like,
give it up. And I think I've said that
- Before too.
So, so are you, are you professionally
being non-professional?
Oh, no. Is that what it
- No, no, no, no.
. I feel like I'm trying and failing.
And so periodically I go, I give up
and then I'll get a little bit of optimism back
and I'll try again and
- Get a second wind. Yeah.
- or a a 53rd, you know,
whatever, whatever, whatever.
Um, so, uh,
let's see what, oh, that was it.
Okay. Again, thank you. Educated. We appreciate that.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, so this episode,
I, my brain, I keep thinking State
of the union 'cause I'm American.
I don't know if other countries have a similar type
of speech or refer to themselves as the union.
I know, I know we do.
And I know why we do, uh, ,
but it's like, it's the state of the union
of our power exchange.
Um, and we've done something like this before.
We did it back in 2022.
We called check, called it checking
in on our power exchange.
And it was meant to be sort of an example of
how you can do a relationship.
Check-in. And in that episode, I did not go back
and watch or listen to any of it.
But I think we were in, we were stressed
'cause that's how we live our life now.
But I think we were in enough of a good head space
that it was kind of organized.
'cause I looked at the notes and I was like, wow,
we actually broke it up by sections.
Parenting business, our kink life. I was like, wow.
Look at us. We were attempting to be professional there.
Mm-Hmm. , , uh, this one, this one came
to mind as a topic.
And it's kind of a redo, but not a redo.
Just you, in my opinion, you should periodically check in
with one another in your power exchange.
So you can do this over and over again.
But this one is, is more about the vibes.
It's more about how we're feeling and less about what is.
I mean, it's about what's happening or not happening,
but I think it's more about
how we're feeling about what's happening or not happening.
Mm-Hmm. . At least that's how I'm feeling.
And I'm happy to do this topic.
I'm a little afraid the emotions are like, like there is
a single layer of cells that separates
my emotions from the breakdown
that I don't have time to take.
Mm-Hmm. . So I don't
know what this is gonna be like.
I hope I'm laughing and being ridiculous throughout,
but I might be in the fetal position
and crying under the table.
I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen. .
I don't know. So part of this is, uh,
is it therapeutic for us?
Yes. Yes. I think it might be. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, I do not think that anybody needs to mimic
anything about our, our power exchange.
'cause it's gotta be unique to everybody.
So this isn't meant to be a Oh,
whatever we end up talking about.
And I did write down questions to try
and keep myself on track.
Thanks. Um, it's more of a, Hey, here's your reminder
to make sure at some point you're doing your own check-in,
in your own relationships.
Mm-Hmm. long term. Yeah. New doesn't matter.
Uh, the newer, the relationship to me,
and I know I think you agree,
the more often there should be check-ins.
Mm-Hmm. . We don't usually schedule check-ins
anymore because we try to be consistently communicating.
But sometimes you just, you just need a, a, a bigger,
broader conversation.
Mm-Hmm. , you need to like, plan it out.
Set a time, make time for it.
Do your best to eliminate distractions. Ironic.
Because my greatest distraction is my own brain.
So I don't know what we're gonna do there. Yeah.
Uh, and just like discuss the state of your union,
whatever union it may be.
Um, and so I'm gonna take a big sip of coffee
and we're gonna, we're gonna do this.
Um, I did link to the 2022 episode
where we did an org organized ish one.
Yeah. Um, that I think is more of a good template
if you're like, what, what are these kinds of check-ins?
What, what might they be? Like, that one's a a decent one.
I think I have a feeling that if we had to go back
and listen to anything we said in 2022,
we would laugh our fucking asses off.
Because what did Hopeful 2022 us know
that we know better now?
2020 more.
- Yeah. - So I've got a series of questions
and I'll just put it out there and you start.
'cause I know I suck up all the oxygen
and then I'll, I'll probably interrupt the fuck outta you.
Uh, I, state of the union first question,
from your perspective, how are we doing ?
I I'm thinking specifically power exchange,
but you can go wherever you need to go with that
- Question. ,
- How are we doing?
- Wow. Um, oh boy. . Oh boy. I,
- I'm filled with faith that whatever is coming out of, uh,
out of your mouth Next
- .
Um, overall we're doing well,
I think, um, I think the, the big clincher is
that we have had a couple of, of,
um, life changes.
- Mm. Yeah. - Okay.
And, and that has thrown a major monkey wrench,
in the things that we do.
And, um, at this point in time,
we really haven't found a way through it yet.
- No, no. We're in a, we're in a pretty big transition
of part of our life.
Right. That's not our kink life. Mm-Hmm. .
It's just our, our our every other part of life. Yeah.
And we don't know what that really looks like.
And there's unknowns
and there's decisions that have to be made.
And I don't know if anybody
has noticed I don't do well with change.
No, you don don't. Unless it's change.
I want, like, if I'm like, yes, let's do the thing.
I mean, I'm still gonna struggle.
- That's true. - But I'm like, I get the dopamine hit
of this is a thing I wanna do.
Let's go do the thing. I'm excited.
This is one where there were no good options
and this was the best of Yeah.
Not great options. Mm-Hmm. .
And we haven't found our groove No.
And is the personal side of life with parenting
and childcare and taking care of the 14-year-old
and some things that he needs Right.
To be healthy and whole. Mm-Hmm.
and hopefully eventually happy. Yeah.
But we have done what we needed to do
and life has fundamentally shifted.
And Excuse me, I realized, oh, about 30 seconds
before we, we sat down to, to do the episode
that I was like, oh, oh, that's right.
I really, I really don't do well when I don't have a
routine or my routine changes.
Mm-Hmm. . And I feel very unmoored
from fucking everything.
And I, it, it sends me on my own little crazy train
and, uh, .
But I have to spend like a few weeks
denying that and going, I'm fine.
Yeah. I'm fine, I'm fine. And then finally Yeah.
Admitting no, I'm no fine.
- I mean there, there, there are people who, and,
and I am in shock and awe of them.
Uh, people who embrace change,
- I feel like a weirdo.
'cause I'll tell you on one, one side
of my mouth, I fucking hate change.
And the next side of my mouth, I'm gonna go.
But if I choose the change, it's so exciting.
Yeah. Let's go do the change.
- Yeah. And, um, you know, it's, uh,
I mean change change is inevitable.
It's gonna happen, but you know it.
- Yeah. I think I, I think what we are,
you're better at than I am, I think,
and you're pretty good at doing it for me, is accepting
that the transition part is, is difficult.
Even if we, we did choose it. Mm-Hmm. .
But like I said, best option out of not great ones.
- Right. - You know, there's still that,
that time from the time you decide on the change,
and then the time you implement it to the
however long it takes Mm-Hmm.
settle in and go, okay, this is the new normal
and I know how this works and you
know, I can figure this out.
Right now, everything is new and unknown
and there's, you know, on our, that part
of our personal life, there's a lot
of unanswered questions, which does not help.
Yeah. Um, and it does take up, I know from my perspective,
95% of my time and energy.
Right. It's, and it's, it,
I hate making it sound like it's a problem
because it's the kid.
I will, I will give him 110% of my time and energy. Mm-Hmm.
for what he needs.
But when I'm thinking about it in terms of, okay,
what's happening with our power exchange?
What's happening with our relationship Mm-Hmm.
what's happening with everything else we do,
you know, it's, I, as anybody would
assume, it takes away from that
because our energy just needs to be somewhere
- Else.
Be, be elsewhere. And, and I think that
that's a good part of it.
Um, because, you know, in, in all honesty,
you are doing things for him that I just can't,
- Weirdly, I think I can't either, but it's gotta be
- .
Yeah. And,
and you know, I have just kind of stepped back
to let you Mm-Hmm.
do that and, and be as supportive as I can.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
, which has meant a lot
of diet cokes and coffee
- .
Yeah. You don't really flinch when
I'm, we're out running errands.
I'm like, but also, can we stop? I need a diet coke. Right.
Also, I'm gonna stop and get us some coffee this morning.
Yeah. Do you want one? 'cause Yeah.
We as in me is getting one. Yeah.
I'm, I, uh, where I can, I, I indulge myself 'cause
- Yeah. You
- Use what you can to get through. So,
- So, you know Yeah.
At that point, at
between that and other things that are happening.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. with, with,
with us, you know, that, that with
- Us. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-Hmm.
- , um, you know, other than our
normal day to day routine.
Right,
- Right.
- You know, outside of that, there has not been much,
- I have to say, when it comes to our power exchange.
I, and we'll get into it, I think I want more than
what we can do right now.
Mm-Hmm. , I want more than kind of
what we have in terms of our power exchange.
Yeah. I understand why we can't.
I look forward to a time
and hope that that time occurs when we can.
But I am grateful for the routine that we,
and the, the way we set up our Mm-Hmm.
dynamic. Mm-Hmm. the actual day
to day of it years ago.
Because when everything else is, is
what it is, I can rely on that.
Yes. Which is why then, and then this, here's what happens.
So there's a lot going on.
I'm, my focus is pulled in a multiple directions. Mm-Hmm.
. But big chunk
of my focus is just on being a mom right now.
Um, and so what happens is, like when I forget a task
or I don't do it correctly, it's devastating.
'cause I'm like, this is all I have right now
and I cannot do it.
Mm-Hmm. or I can't do it. Well,
- Yeah.
- Oh, I'm sorry, y'all
told you it was right under the surface.
Woo. So yeah.
That's how, that's how I'm doing .
- Yeah. So, you know. Yeah.
It's, it's, it's made it, it's made it difficult.
Um, and, you know, yes.
Having, having our routines to fall back on in,
in all the chaos that has been going on has at least,
you know, giving us a baseline to run on,
- So to speak.
Yeah. We have that to fall back on. Like Yeah.
You were always the decider.
We've had to make a lot of non k, non kink,
non-BAR exchange decisions lately.
Yeah. And ultimately, you're the final word.
We're in step, I mean,
there's not been a decision made lately
that we're not in step on.
We Right. We might disagree on how to get to a place,
but we we're in sync on
where we're going and what we're trying to do.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, and so that helps.
And I just, to the best of my ability, I keep up with,
you know, my regular tasks and, um Mm-Hmm.
. And that's,
it's like when there's nothing else, that's something.
Yes.
- Yes. - Okay.
- , you know, and, uh, I, I think right now,
you know, I, I look forward
to us doing things like running errands
and things like that to escape
and have some time
together, if that makes any sense.
- It's funny because I agree, you know,
we're gonna make a little road trip on Saturday to go by.
Yes. Micah Pigment.
- . Right. - Because we wanna go into the
store and look at the colors
and make sure we're getting the colors we want.
Right. Um, and it's an hour and a half drive,
and the 14-year-old is looking forward
to his few hours of solitude.
Um, and,
and it's ex I mean, like, we're like super excited about it.
Like we had to arrange with the person who runs the shop.
Like normally they're only
there for a certain amount of time.
We're like, but, but if we come between this time,
will you be there and can we come in
and spend our money ?
But, so it's exciting to go do that thing. Mm-Hmm.
because we have business, but it's, you know,
we're gonna get a few hours where it's just the two
of us just doing our thing.
Right. Um, and yet
I'm at a point with just life in general
that the distractions,
sometimes the distract distractions are exactly what I need.
And I get to just go be another part of myself for a while
and we will, to the best of our ability.
And not to like freak the vanillas out.
We'll be in our dynamic, you know,
with, you know, in that time. Mm-Hmm.
- . - And, uh,
but the hard part about the distractions
and getting away is that it de
sometimes that's the bigger worry of if I'm distracted,
what am I not focusing on outside of us Mm-Hmm.
Outside of our relationship that I need to be,
am I missing something?
Am I doing something wrong? Am I causing harm?
And I know I'm not, I'm not Mm-Hmm.
, I'm like every other person on the planet.
I'm just doing the best I can. Um, it's just, there's a lot
of pressure and it's self-imposed pressure.
Nobody, nobody will pressure me like I
will pressure me .
But, um, so I don't always like,
enjoy the distractions.
We got invited to a play party
that's like a valentinesy kind of play party.
Mm-Hmm. . It's after Valentine, the weekend
after Valentine's.
Yes. And of course, my , my socially anxious self,
like immediately like clinched up
and went, I don't know if I can do it.
Um, and then the part of me that just is constantly
in a caretaking role outside of this dynamic goes, can we,
should we, is that, is that the best thing?
Am Can I even, it's so weird
because there's a part of me that goes in my mind goes,
you have got to find ways to not,
I'm gonna say let it go, but I, it is not a let it go.
It's a temporarily like, have time, make time for yourself,
make time for your relationship.
Make time to do things you enjoy. Like logically reasonably.
I know all of that. I know all of it. Mm-Hmm. .
And yet I'm kind of stuck in a pattern right now of there.
But there's all these things to, to worry about.
There's all these things that need my focus and,
and you know, what happens if I take my eye off of all
of those spinning plates for a minute?
And so I get very uncomfortable with the idea of, of that.
And yet I know that it's needed.
I know it's necessary. I know
that if I don't figure out ways to refill my own, well,
I am screwed because some of this stuff we're dealing
with is a long haul thing.
Nothing will be sorted and solved No.
In the next three to five business days. Right. . No.
We might be talking three to five business years. Like Yeah.
I, I know that. Yeah. Um,
- And, and the thing is, you know, yes,
those things are important
because, you know, we need
to steal away those moments when
we can. Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. . I
- Know.
You know, um, um, I'm kind
of gonna jump ahead here a little bit.
You know, one of your, one of your questions is
what we missed from previous times.
Hmm. Um, you know,
and I, I think this kind of flows into that Sure.
Question a little bit. Um, you know
what I'm, what I miss, um, the way we were able to just
play at a moment's notice.
Oh, sure. Okay.
Um, you know, the way we had the ability to, to slip away
to the dungeon when we wanted to, and,
and those things are not,
um, available.
- Yeah. Not currently. - Not currently. Currently. Yeah.
- I know the, the optimist within me just goes,
this is just, this is just a moment in time.
Mm-Hmm. and things will change again.
And there will be different
opportunities and new opportunities.
Yeah. The part of me that craves routine
and knowing what happens next is like, yes.
But Mm-Hmm. , I wanna
go back to things .
I know what happens next. Yeah. Um, .
Oh, well I'll have to get over that.
'cause that's not, that's not how that works. Yeah.
Um, you know, it's funny on that question of, of
what we missed from previous times.
So this is not gonna sound like it connects,
but just go with my, my, whatever the fuck.
My brain is here. So , uh, I've been, uh,
de not dealing with my feelings by doing a lot of reading.
Mm-Hmm. . And I was like,
I need a palate cleanser.
'cause I'd read a lot of romantic fantasy, fantasy, romance,
whatever the fuck they want to call it.
And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's not kinky enough.
It's not sexy enough. And I came across, um, a series
about people who own a sex club
and their personal kinks and relationships.
And it's a delightful series. Do I know the name of it?
Of course I don't. .
Um, the first book in the series is what hooked me
because it was, uh, the, the featured couple,
um, was dom sub.
So I, you y'all know I'm in it and she's got a praise kink.
And that's actually, other than submission,
the praise kink is like her thing.
They're not into impact, they're not into bondage. Mm-Hmm.
. I'm like, okay,
but I can, I can go with this.
And the thing I ended up, I ended up tearing up
multiple times reading that, not
because there was necessarily anything,
you know, tear worthy.
Like it was, it was good. It was a good story. Yeah.
But like, not enough
that under different circumstances would get me crying.
But it was because I was reading a fairly well written
power exchange where in the world of fiction,
she got to just, in these times they were together,
she got to just let go.
And it was, it was a little bit trope of, oh,
she's an air quote natural sub, and, you know, yeah.
Yeah. We know I kind of side eye
a little bit at some of that.
Um, and she just sort of fell into it
and it, it was difficult, but it was easy
and it, it shut her brain off to be able to just do what,
you know, her dom says Mm-Hmm.
And I'm over here going, I cannot believe I'm envious
of a fictional character ,
and I'm literally living my own power exchange.
Yeah. But that, that's the thing.
I miss the luxury and it is a fucking luxury to go.
I, the world gets to be tuned out and,
and whatever you tell me to do, I'm just gonna do now.
It now part of the problem is I'm, I'm a little bit out
of practice and I'm way too sassy for my own good.
I dunno, you, I think I've,
I don't think I've fully lost the ability,
but I'm so out of practice that like my brain
I know doesn't even know how to shut off anymore.
If you tell me to do something, I'll do it.
But I have about 35.3 questions. Like Yeah.
I'm, there's a questionnaire
and survey I'm gonna need you to fill out about
what is happening and why.
and I, I, I'm more like that the more stressed out
and more the, the crazier things are Mm-Hmm.
. And when things are relatively calm,
it is easier to just, you know, go with it.
Yes. And at least in my experience, I would not say that
that's an automatic for anybody else.
And so, you know, finished
that book in very short time.
It was a, it was a good read.
Um, and was turned on 'cause the kinky sex was hot.
Mm-Hmm. . Yes. Um,
but also it was like, I am a little sad now
because I have just gotten a, a very clear
and visceral reminder of what
we don't have right now.
Yeah. And it's, you know, I I I'm always tempted
to put a lot of the blame on myself
that I am the sole reason.
We don't have that.
And yet I know that currently you are not in a place
to be able to do, to be that kind of dom right now.
Mm-Hmm. like, it's just the, the fact
that in order to be able to stop focus on one another,
you tell me to do things sexy or, or not sexy,
but in that very clear power exchange way,
you don't always have the bandwidth to be that guy.
- No, no. - And when we,
when we individually have the bandwidth lately,
it has not matched up .
It's not happening at the same time.
- . No, it, it's not, it's not.
Um, that the, is this the book,
- Uh, that is book two of that series?
I finished that this morning before I got . Okay.
The author is Sarah Kate,
- CATE, - Uhhuh Sarah without an H.
Yeah. Yeah. Mm-Hmm. . That's good.
I'm on the third book is, uh, definitely gonna be a,
a th it's gonna start as a threesome.
I can see it happening. It's gonna move into a
poly relationship.
Um, and this is from like the, it was not a content warning.
It was just a, here's a heads up of what,
what's gonna happen in this book.
And it's somebody who's gonna figure out their
bisexuality Mm-Hmm.
And I'm like, I'm already, I'm like 20% in already.
I'm like, tell me, give it to me. Mm-Hmm. Gimme more.
Uh, let me . Lemme live through fictional characters.
- Yeah. And, and, you know, for, for me, it's, it's been,
um, a, a thing where I have been,
um, lurking a good bit on, on Fed.
Mm. And you know, I, I see a,
a lot of people talking about their power exchange
and the structure that they have.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, I'm like, yeah.
I would, I, I kind of miss that.
- I feel like I'm, I'm turning a
little cynical, which is really weird.
'cause Ooh, my inner optimist is so light and airy,
- and wide-eyed.
- But, you know, I, I sort of,
other than in fiction, I guess Mm-Hmm.
because that hasn't, hasn't bothered me.
But when I come across stuff online
and people are talking about their sort
of real life experience
and what their dynamic looks like,
what they want their dynamic to look like,
what they're negotiating for their dynamic.
Mm-Hmm. that my inner cynic, who's just,
it's just my optimist who's tired, y'all.
Um, she's like, well, good luck with
that when life kicks you in the nuts.
I don't have nuts, but life has kicked me there. .
Yeah.
- Yeah. - Those nuts have been kicked. Um, .
And I don't wanna be that way
because first of all, there are absolutely people who go
through the chaos of life.
Mm-Hmm. . And their power exchange is a hundred
percent what gets them through it.
Yeah. There are people,
and I feel like that's who I'm, I'm speaking on behalf of
who are like, our power exchange is good.
I feel it all the time. However, Yeah.
Life has kicked me in the nuts. Mm-Hmm. .
And so it's not crumbling,
but it's not what I want it to be.
And I don't like that.
I don't like that I can't have exactly
what I want out of our power exchange.
I also don't like that life keeps going here,
hold my beer. Let's see. Yeah.
- Right. Yeah. - But, but, but I mean,
we've been talking about it for years and it's like, mm-Hmm.
It's almost a boring subject to this point.
But I would rather represent
and bring help people who are in our position, who feel
bad about that, who feel shame for that,
who are telling themselves
that they're not really in power exchange
because all of the intricacies
of their power ex their dynamic kind of
break apart or dwindle or diminish
or just fucking disappear in these times of life.
And to me, that's the more realistic thing.
I think if people can maintain their very, like, clear
power exchange and all the
intricacies of it. I wanna let her
- Through, - Um, the, the craziest shit.
I think they're the exception, not the rule.
And I'm very happy for them.
But I cannot relate, you know, , um,
I think I said it a couple weeks ago, I have a lot
of competing priorities
and I genuinely most
of the time believe if everything's a priority, nothing is.
But I also think, as with all sayings that are supposed
to hold truths in them, it's too simplistic.
Mm-Hmm. like, you can
have multiple priorities.
Working to pay the bills
and keep a roof over our head is a priority.
Yeah. Helping a your, one of your children
through a very tough time in their life is a priority.
Mm-Hmm. . But also, you know,
maintaining a relationship that has
to be maintained in order to stay healthy,
that is a priority.
And a couple
of those priorities might be higher up on the list.
Right. And this is why having a conversation like this
as awkward as I feel right now,
'cause I can tell y'all all kinds of shit.
I can put my butthole on the internet,
but something about crying on camera
or into a microphone, I'm just, uh, I don't like it.
Yeah. Um, but these kinds of check-ins as emotional
as they can be when it's not a, oh,
we have a clear, like, plan.
What are we gonna do for our relationship? Right. Mm-Hmm.
they're important because some,
for me at least, it reminds me I'm not alone.
Mm-Hmm. , sometimes it, it gives an opportunity
for me to express something better
than in those passing things
where JB kindly goes, how are you doing?
And he's asking at a time when I'm trying to decide
between five very important things that have to get done.
And also dealing with mom, guilt,
submissive, guilt, uh, just guilt.
'cause apparently that's who I am now.
Um, and I can't, I'm not able to like, give the
in depth, let me look deep into your soul.
Let try to explain myself kind of answer.
And what he gets is my very snarky answer,
that then doesn't really convey where I'm at completely.
And then he's more like, oh, she's in a pissy mood.
I should avoid her. And I'm thinking, no, no,
please don't avoid me.
Even though I'm sending out all of the signals
that say, avoid me.
Please don't avoid me.
, please, please stay right here by my side.
I can't give you any tasks to do.
'cause I don't know what I would ask you to help me with.
But just, you know, I'm right now with things going on, I,
I think my biggest thing is wanting to feel seen.
- Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. That makes sense. That makes
- Sense.
It's so weird how things you don't think are
connected can be connected.
My desire to want to be seen and understood.
And I can't think of other words
'cause this brain is not wording today, um, in these kinds
of times stem, I think stem in part from
times as a child where I was going through it
and I was, I was not seen and I was not understood.
Mm-Hmm. . And so then I spend
what feels like an inordinate amount of time trying
to get you to fully exactly down to like the cellular level,
understand how I'm feeling
and what's going on with me and I, Mm-Hmm.
, I don't know how helpful that is.
I don't even know how possible that is.
And yet at the same time, I do not want
or need JB to do that for me.
Like if he says I am stressed all of my validation.
Yes, yes you are.
And I can list all the reasons you are .
I know why you are. Yeah.
And also let's come up with solutions together. Mm-Hmm.
. But when I'm on that other end of it, it's,
it's either a, I curl inward and I distance myself
and I pull away or I lash out.
Neither of which makes me feel
like a good submissive .
Yeah. Neither of which. Yeah.
Makes me feel like I am serving and submitting
and being the best little baby
girl. I know how to be .
- Mm-Hmm. . Well, you know, for me, um, and,
and you know, a lot of the things we have, you, you know,
everything we have on our plate,
I probably know shit
you don't know that we got on our board.
You're right. That scares the hell outta me too.
- Yeah. I doll that out as I feel like you can handle.
Right. One more thing.
- Yeah. And,
and you know, my kind of solution
for that has been to dive into my work.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, and,
and you know, just like you're doing for the,
the boy, you know what you're doing.
I'm, I feel like what I'm doing is helping us in
the that aspect.
- And I, you know what, when you say that, I go,
oh God, not only yes.
Do I see that, but also you're right, it's working
because we're having record sales.
Mm-Hmm. for this time of the year for us.
Yeah. Um, it's not, it's not enough to get us
where we wanna be, but man, it's, it's good.
It's getting us closer. Yeah.
Um, and I, I get so lost
and when I'm going through that, I've, I don't,
I don't wanna say I don't acknowledge what you're doing.
'cause I do. And I Mm-Hmm.
god, I appreciate it,
but I don't recognize it for what it is.
But also I think I'm jealous.
My typical coping mechanism for high stress is work,
and work has to be done and it still is.
Mm-Hmm. . And, you know, we've got enough
of a routine that we get shit done.
Yeah. But I don't right now don't have the time
to lose myself in work.
And I think that's a little bit of what's fucking me up too.
So what I'm doing is I'm losing myself in fiction,
which is not a bad thing.
Yeah. But I'm also having that moment of here's a thing
that lets me forget everything.
And so I can fall into it for two
or three, three hours at a time if you let me.
But also here are the, all the other things
that are not happening while I'm losing myself here.
And some of those things I need to just let go of,
not forever, but for those two
or three hours I need to disconnect from.
But some of those things are time
for you and I to spend together.
Things that you and I, and I'm like over here lost in the
kindle apple on my phone.
Yeah. 'cause what I need is more time
with a screen in my face when and in instead.
And so instead of, Hey, let's watch TV together, Hey,
let's have a conversation together.
Hey, let's go run errands together.
Hey, let's just bead gather. Yeah.
I'm like, actually I'm gonna dissociate
while into a fictional world.
This is not my
- Creation.
Yeah. And,
and, you know, for, for me of late, I,
I know I haven't really said much about it,
but, um, you know, there, there has been something
with me that has been looming since what?
Last August, September, if not long, not longer.
And, and it's been one of those things
that has just been a long slow drawn out process.
Mm-Hmm. . And,
and by next week could conceivably
- We'll be on a different path with
- It.
Yeah. D be on a different path with it
- And maybe working towards resolution.
Right. Yeah.
We've, we've had so much chaos for so long,
my brain can't quite comprehend that some things could come
to a conclusion.
- Yeah. - And a conclusion that is favorable to us.
Mm-Hmm. what this could work out in our favor.
Right. And yet, when it fucking happens, I'm,
I'm gonna fucking celebrate.
I'm gonna be like, Ooh, let's cross
that off the mental
list. Mm-Hmm. that is done.
- . Yeah. Mm-Hmm. .
- I, um, yeah.
I feel like, let me get back to our questions.
- Okay. - Um, ,
so I'm gonna put two of these together.
Mm-Hmm. , What is it
that we wish power exchange wise that we were doing
that we're not, that we were back previous times Mm-Hmm.
The before times we were doing Yeah. And we no longer are.
And how are we feeling about what we're not doing and
or what we are doing?
I mean, I think part of it is, I I miss the every soft one.
You would go like definite big D
and I could just like shut my brain off.
Yeah. Like, I don't, I Mm-Hmm.
the way I shut my brain off now is to,
to fall into a fictional world.
Yeah. And I've, I've used that most of my life.
I would like to shut my brain off
because a man with a very stern gaze is like threatening me
with the best time of my life.
You know, , that's
where I would like to shut my brain off.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Um hmm.
You know, for me, there, there are a lot of things
that I believe we could be doing, uh,
things we should be doing.
And, and the more I think about it, those things,
the worst, it makes me feel that we're not, oh God.
- Yeah. I was hoping you were gonna go there.
'cause I was like, don't make me have
to be the one to say ,
- You know?
Yeah. No, I, I, I do.
And,
and you know, this, this week alone has, has been
crazy, you know, with me it started Monday
with a, with phone calls
- tough phone calls. Yeah. And you've gotta
- Remake those tough phone calls.
- Yeah, yeah. I know. - Um, you know, the, the,
the phone call wasn't a a fix all, it was just, you know, a
okay, what do we do kind of thing.
And, um,
I I, I feel bad about the things we're not doing.
And yet with everything that we are doing, it's like,
okay, where do I pull the bandwidth? Yeah,
- Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, at a certain point you just, you run out
of time and, and or energy.
Mm-Hmm. . And I think for both of us,
it's, it's both.
Because by the end of the day when we might get 10 minutes
together, it's like I'd love
to do some kinky ass fucking shit.
But also I cannot keep my eyes open. Right. . Yeah.
And also, uh, some part of my body hurts
and so you can't do as much as you would like to anyway.
Mm-Hmm. And also, and there's always an end also.
So let, let's depress the fuck out
of ourselves together, .
Alright. What are some things that you're missing? .
- ? Um, I, I think
the spontaneity.
Mm. Alright.
The ability to, to have that spontaneity to, you know,
at any given moment, say, okay,
we're gonna do this now. Right?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like in middle of the day Yeah.
Or middle of the night or just Mm-Hmm. . Yeah.
We're just, we're gonna, we're gonna do this thing,
we're gonna have this moment.
Right. And that moment can last five minutes
or 45 minutes. Yeah.
- Yeah. And,
and you know, I, I think for me that yeah, that's
what I miss most of all,
- .
And I, I, I see that
and I, I kind of agree my, there's a part of my brain
that does still will never be okay with spontaneity.
Well, like, it's just too much. Yeah.
But I get what you're saying. I'll,
I'll give you a case in point about how you can want it
and you still can't make it happen.
So last night we knew we had to go run an errand
and then they ended up being
fucking closed when we got there.
Yeah. . But I said, I said, Hey, while we're out,
can we stop and get a diet Coke?
'cause we don't have any in the house right now.
And I was like, I could, I could really use a diet Coke.
It's, it's been a day. Mm-Hmm. .
And this one goes, what do I get for it?
And I'm like, well, what do you want?
I mean, he's daddy dom, what do you want?
He goes, a blowjob.
I go, okay, now first of all, if you're new here,
you don't know how wildly radical it is that I went.
Okay. Right. not
because I'm not being submissive enough, but
because the old libido has just, she's on vacation.
Um, and, and that I had, here's the part you, okay.
So the book I was telling you about
where it's the DS couple written by Ade,
I think somebody in the live chat got the title for me.
It's called Praise mm-Hmm. . Oh, it's,
it's pro It's not literature, but it's so good.
. Anyway, I had finished reading that
before while JB was falling asleep the night before.
So this was Monday night.
'cause Tuesday's like, gimme the
blowjob, I'll get back to that story.
Go on this derailed train ride with me. Okay.
Going on a journey. So that I had finished that book
as JB was falling asleep.
And for once in a very long time, I was so turned on,
was like, oh yeah, I would like to have the sex now ,
but I am not good at initiating.
I could initiate, but then we're done. You better take over.
Right. So I was like, oh shit.
He's, he's sort of snoring over there. I think he's asleep.
But maybe if I do some things
and by do some things,
I mean literally rub my ass up on his junk
for a solid 20 minutes.
He was not picking up what I was putting down
'cause he was asleep because I was, I was out.
That's kind of, once either of us falls asleep,
we are down for the count.
Yeah. It's just exhaustion just takes us
once we, we can get to sleep.
And so I'm like doing all my best tricks.
I mean, , I believe I was, I I got pretty physical.
He just, he was so, so tired.
He slept the, and I'm not mad about that.
But, so when the very next day, first of all, did I tell him
almost immediately upon awakening
what he missed the night before ?
Yes, I did. Uh,
did I do a speed run through book two hoping it would get me
to the same, uh, level of arousal that book one did.
I did. And it didn't, the story just, it was fine,
but it wasn't, it didn't hit my kings.
Okay. So last night,
after he knows this, he missed his opportunity.
And I don't know how to do more than apparently run my
ass against your dick there.
That, that is how I entice and seduce.
Like I, if you wondered, um, so when he goes a blowjob,
I'm like, okay, first of all, I'm still kind
of feeling the residual from the night before.
And I still was holding out high hopes for
that, the second book I was reading.
Um, but also I'm like, ah, you might do sketchy shit for,
uh, Klon Bar, but I will do shit.
All kinds of shit for a Diet Coke.
So here we go, how happy, happy to do it.
I also have good memories from the last time I gave you a
blowjob that turned very power exchange kinky.
Mm-Hmm. . It was a delight. Yep.
So, uh, I'm, I'm kind of in my mind going, okay, okay.
We're doing some tonight. It might just be a blow job.
Might, might not. We might not. Fuck, but that's okay.
That's okay. I'm good. I'm good.
We're gonna, we're gonna do the thing thing.
'cause I agreed and then we laid down in bed.
And here's the thing.
I'm, I don't want anybody to think that I think
that I'm upset or I think less of JB or any of that.
'cause I totally get it. He lays down, he smoked his bowl
before, so he's nice and relaxed
and he was so relaxed he got to lay down and was just out.
And I went, there will be no blowjobs tonight. Okay. No.
Okay. And again, it's one of those weird things
where it is funny to me
because it's just a comedy of errors.
It's so typical of, of things
that happen with us to write about.
Now, I'm not upset that there was no blow job.
I'm not, I wouldn't have been put out if there had been like
I was down for whatever.
But it's sort of a, and it happens to both of us.
Like JB can be kind of geared up
and he's like, he's rubbing his junk up on my ass.
. Like he's reciprocating.
And I have to kind of go, I love you so much, daddy,
but here's my laundry list of things going on
that maybe I didn't already mention.
Yeah. And , it's just the irony of it.
It it's been, we can want to do the things
and still not be able to do the things.
It's, it's been like a comedy of errors. Oh God.
If we don't, I mean, if I don't laugh,
I'm just gonna start crying again.
And nobody wants that. Mm-Hmm. .
But you know what, it's so weird
because in that there's a, there's a lot of
what we didn't do, but here's
my inner op, shiny glittery optimist.
Uh, it's like, but how long has it been since we've
even joked about that?
Talked about that, tried to plan for it.
Like I can absolutely see where, where
somebody else would be super disappointed
and I mean, there was some disappointment not enough for me
to like, be upset, but Yeah.
Do I wish that, you know, we'd made good on that.
Sure, sure. But I'm actually more hopeful
about whatever's coming down the road for us
because it's been a hot ass minute
since we could even have that conversation.
Yeah. I could even have the desire
to be desired.
Like, like that's a step in the right direction. Yes.
In the midst of chaos.
Like if my inner cynic was allowed to drive,
she would be like, well of course we come up with a plan
and still can't do it.
This is our . No,
my inner optimist is like, shut up bitch.
Actually this is a good thing. And this is a silver lining.
Yeah. Yeah. Because it means we're, we we're still in,
in there somewhere.
desperately clawing our way out. Right. Yeah.
It's, I dunno, you know,
here's what's weird to me.
Not about this little check-in
and state of the union that we're doing,
but more of this specific line of conversation.
There was a time in the not that distant past,
I put my whole ass
and my whole ass sex life on the internet.
Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Openly. That's how we met.
Here's what I do. , here's what my junk looks like.
Y'all like I did that.
And yet we're sitting here in this space
where we primarily talk about the
relationship aspect of things.
Yeah. And it's been, it's very infrequent
and it's been a long time, I think since we've been very
explicit about sex that I am like,
I can't believe I'm talking about my sex life on a podcast
when, what started my life
as Kayla Lords was talking about my sex life
, I don't know.
Come full circle A little bit. Yeah. A little bit. Yeah.
I think part of it's, 'cause I know there's plenty of people
who don't know that side of me, uh, who are like, why,
why are we getting this detail?
Well, 'cause I, if you have, if you are new here,
you don't know I don't have a filter .
Yeah. I just, I don't know how
to not say all the things sometimes.
Mm-Hmm. , I dunno. Okay. Mm-Hmm. .
So to, um,
to, how do I put this to kind of close this up?
Mm-Hmm. . Did I click on the screen
to see a thing and then not look at the thing
and click away for another thing?
Yes, I did. . Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did.
Um, or is there anything? And I the answer might be no.
Mm-Hmm. from the
before, the past four years
or so where we've just complained ad nauseum about our
fucking life, um, from the before times.
However, we wanna define the before times
that we no longer do, that we don't miss.
And I think it's valid to go No, there's, there's nothing.
But are is there ways that we were with one another
in power exchange that we don't really,
that we didn't miss and that we don't miss?
I don't, I don't think so.
I don't know how long I did this
and maybe it just didn't last very long.
So sometimes I miss the, you're like, you tell me what,
you give me the look that you're halfway giving me now
, you put your glasses on
because I don't know if I could stand the heat from that,
but you would get all like stern
and like, tell me to do a thing.
And the expectation was,
I would do the thing right now in scene.
That would be lovely and hot. Yeah.
In life, every once in a while I do you go, Mm-Hmm.
Baby girl, I need you to whatever. I go, okay.
And I go do the thing. But you don't have to be stern.
You get to be your daddy self.
But , we now have lived a power exchange life for
so long that I, most of the time I have questions.
I would like more context, I need more understanding. Yeah.
It's not a jump
and do without thought,
without thinking every once in a while.
Absolutely. Simple stuff. For sure.
If my mind has kind of been on the lack of, you know,
behaving the way I would like to as a submissive
for a while, yes.
It's much easier. But like, in just the natural flow
of things when we're just existing Mm-Hmm.
, you might ask me to do something,
but I'm gonna have questions
and you do not expect automatic obedience.
You Yeah. As long as I'm not being a bitch about it.
You're like, yeah. You can ask
whatever questions you need to Sure.
We'll talk about it. I I know that you are
that anxious bitch
and I will do what I can to soothe that part of you.
Yeah. Um, I don't really,
I in scene in a hot ass scene, yes.
I miss that immediate obedience,
but in the rest of our life, I do not miss that at all.
- I know. I, and, and I kind of know that because you've But
- Do you miss - It?
Do I miss it ? To a certain extent, yes. Because
- It makes your life easier, doesn't it?
- ? Well, it's, it's not, it's, it's not
that it makes my life easier.
Mm. To a certain extent it does.
But in those moments when,
when I do that, that is for me,
like a spontaneous flexing of those muscles.
Oh,
- Okay.
And then there I go and I just poke holes in that,
that balloon
with all my questions. . But at,
- But at the, and,
and you know what the, the question part of it, you know,
I know you well enough after all these years
to know you are gonna have questions
and it's okay to ask questions.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But I also know I,
you don't have the bandwidth for it either.
You, you don't.
- I, I think the, the hardest part lately is we are not,
we are in sync
and in tune with one another on a lot of levels.
Mm-Hmm. , which is kind of have to be,
but when it comes to, when you wanna flex that down muscle
or when I'm like, like, oh,
I wanna feel super submissive right now, this, that has not
yet lined back
- Up. No, it hasn't.
- We're not in sync there - At all right now. No.
In in that aspect. I agree. Absolutely.
Um, I think,
and at least I hope so, um, that our,
our relationship as a whole.
Okay. Let, let's put the Ds aside.
I, I think with, with, with all we have been doing, um,
I think overall our relationship is good.
Mm-Hmm. , because we have kept an open line
of communication about everything that is happening
and everything that is going on.
And, and we talk about it and, and we share our feelings.
Mm-Hmm. . Okay. And, and I think that in
and of itself is important.
Mm-Hmm. .
- I'd like to believe that there will come a day when
nothing might actually change about lives,
but we have just adjusted to the transition.
Right? Mm-Hmm. like we are in a
transitionary period Yeah.
Where things have changed
and we have not settled into whatever that looks like.
Mm-Hmm. . And whether things change again,
fundamentally for the positive
or we just settle in, which, whichever that is Mm-Hmm.
when life calms down in, in a new way again.
Right. That we can have
the conversation less about the stressful stuff,
the future plan stuff, the what's not working stuff.
Like, I think all of those conversations are very important.
Mm-Hmm. . But I need to
believe that there will come a day where we can sit down
and go, okay, well yeah, we've all, this is kind of handled
for right now's, we're muddling through with it.
And it's, it's fine.
It's, you know, some of this is back on, uh, autopilot now.
How, what do we want to do differently
from our power exchange perspective and not just play?
'cause I, the, the thing about play, I, I find in general,
over the past few years where things have been wild,
we don't play nearly as often as we'd like to.
No. But when we, when even one
of us gets a little bit mindful about it, we,
we find those opportunities again.
Mm-Hmm. . But in our power
exchange, beyond the,
- I mean, last week I did call you out to the shop,
told you I needed some help,
and, uh, then bent you over, bent you over the bench.
- Yes. And it was hilarious.
'cause our next door neighbor was working in their backyard,
, putting up some fence paneling.
And it was like an alternating,
I think we were using maybe a staple gun or
- Something.
- Yeah. Something like a, a pneumatic something. Mm-Hmm.
. And so there'd be the smack from the paddle,
which was, it was like a crack.
It was so loud. And then there'd be the crack
or whatever the tool was.
Mm-Hmm. . And they were alternating
for a hot minute .
And I was like, I hope whoever that is thinks
that we're working on our own Right.
Backyard project, but like, we're better at looking for ways
to play when we're mindful of it.
Yes. That our problem is we like lose sight of it
and we have to bring ourselves back around.
But I think the play is the most obvious
physical, visceral thing.
So it's very noticeable when it's gone. Mm-Hmm.
it's very noticeable when we want it. Yeah.
Whatever. But when it comes to the intricacies
of our dynamic outside of what is just part of the,
the base layer of who we are together.
Right. You are always daddy, you are always the decider.
I have set routines.
It is my default to want to take care of and do for you.
So like, we don't even
have to really think about those things.
But when it comes to the, you know, the little details
of like, I, I really wish you'd use
that tone of voice or I Mm-Hmm.
I like it when you give me that look.
Or it's been a hot minute since she's just
told me what to do.
Or those kinds of conversations. Right.
And then from your perspective, it might be,
it's been a hot minute since you just did what I told you
to do, and that would be really nice.
Right. I have to believe there will come a point
in hopefully the not too distant future
where we can just have that conversation where all
of the things that are like boiling over right now are
calm enough Mm-Hmm.
that they get to just be like in the periphery
for the 30 minutes that
that conversation takes. You know what
- I mean? Yes, yes,
- Yes.
And we can, we can be mindful about that again. Mm-Hmm.
. Because I think what's happened
for the past several years and is continuing to happen,
but the reason that I wanted
to have this topic felt important is
'cause it continues to happen.
But I feel like I am missing the mark
as a submissive more often now than I used to.
I'm forgetting more things. I'm not doing things
as well as I used to, blah, blah, blah.
It's because we can't always be mindful
of those little details that help us feel more connected.
Yeah. We have that base layer of this is who we are
and how we interact in all things.
Mm-Hmm. . And we rely on that.
And we have relied on that for the past several years. Yeah.
I think that was where that train was going.
The thought kind of looped and I missed it for me. Yeah.
And so that's, that's, you know, I don't have,
it's not that I'm not optimistic.
I think it's that I'm realistic enough to not be able
to go one day when we have no problems again.
Like that's never, it's never gonna be that way.
- And they're gonna be that. I mean, that, that's totally,
it's, that's totally works.
That's unrealistic. Yeah. But,
- But right now there's so many other things going on,
and some of them are going to be going on
for potentially a very long time Right.
Before they settle into whatever the new normal is. Mm-Hmm.
that I,
all I can do now is I can't,
I don't, I don't know where we would pull the time
to get more kink in, be more mindful of one another,
have those deeper dom sub moments that we're both missing.
Right. But what I can do is try to be more mindful
of just my day to day.
I mean, I, you are so kind
and forgiving when I forget something that has been a task
for 10 years, y'all like this June of this year,
we will have lived together for 10 years just
to like, this is, that's right.
We've got a lot of like 10 year things come up.
We have been for over a year now,
and I've been doing some of these things
for almost 10 years.
And you've always been, especially once it became habit
and you knew that for me to forget that was weird.
Right. You know, you've always been very forgiving
and very understanding,
and I can't even remember what the fuck it was.
I did forget, but I forgot something.
It was, it was a coffee related thing
and it threw things off
and you couldn't have what you wanted.
And I'm not the type that walks
around feeling like I'm failing.
I'll tell you, I feel like I'm failing
as a mother more often than not.
I'm failing as a an as
as an adult who's supposed to have our shit together.
But I'm not the type who walks
around feeling like I have failed as a submissive.
Like, I'm, I don't think I'm doing
as much as I would like to do.
I don't think that I'm giving you as much as I once did,
like those things I'm, I feel like I'm very aware of,
but I never feel like I'm failing.
And recently having forgotten small things
that then made life harder
and made it so you couldn't have exactly what you wanted.
That was what I felt like, I was like,
I feel like I'm failing at this now.
Is that because there's so much else going on
that I already have those feelings
and I'm kind of primed to feel that way.
Yeah. And under different circumstances
I would never see it that way.
Yes. But also that there's something there when
that's the thought that comes to mind.
You know, I know you don't think I am. Mm-Hmm. I know that.
I know. You would never tell me that.
Even if you thought I was falling down on the job,
you would never say it that way. And you're
- Extremely understanding.
I I, I'd be more apt to ask you
what's going on, what's the matter? Right.
- . And yet, I, this was the impetus for this kind
of conversation because I was like, I am missing so much of
what we were able to do
and who we were able to be not even that long ago,
that we just can't right now.
And while the realistic side of my brain understands Yes.
One, that there's a, there's valid reasons for this,
and two, that this is not forever,
it doesn't change the fact
that it feels like an ongoing pattern.
And that sometimes my inner glittery
optimist just can't muster up the fucking optimist.
.
- Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. .
- But I mean, I'm,
I I don't know if I'm feeling more optimistic,
but I'm feeling less shitty after the past hour or so.
- Yeah. - I don't know
what anybody else is getting from it,
but I'm feeling less awful.
I started out with How, how are you feeling?
- Um, I, I, I feel okay. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, it's, since we had not really
talked about this, you know, between ourselves,
because we've been talking about so many other things,
- There's always, yeah. There's always
- Something else, you know, needs our attention.
It's kind of nice to know
that you are on the same page as I am.
- Yeah. I, I can see, I know ,
I know I'm really bad at, at closing myself off
and just kind of going into my own head and like Mm-Hmm.
trying to solve the
world's problems on my own.
Um, and I don't always read you
or anybody else, but even you, I don't always read you well.
So like, it's weird that you're like,
okay, I'm glad I'm not the only one.
And I'm over here having that moment of, oh, okay, good.
I'm not the only one. Like, the moment you said that,
it's like, of course he was feeling that way.
Of course he was, but it wasn't,
it did not compute until this moment.
- Yeah. - Uh, I don't, I don't know how
to end this conversation.
Mm-Hmm. between us. I know how to end that.
Yeah. That being y'all. Yeah. .
I I guess we can, I can just stop now.
Do you have any final thoughts
- On this?
No, I think I've, I've pretty much,
- Yeah.
I can't, I can't tie it up in a little
bow and give a resolution
- Because it's just No.
And, and it's, it's, it's not something at this point
that you can just tie up with a ribbon and, you know,
- I mean, you could tie me up with a ribbon,
but when do we have time
- ?
- Yeah. And if you fell asleep while I was tied up Yeah.
I would be pissed about that .
That one would upset me.
- - Because knowing my luck,
the safety scissors would be like not near me.
Yeah.
- So, yeah. You know, it's, uh, yeah.
- Yeah. We're here. Mm-Hmm. . I love you.
- I love you too. - I'm happy to be your submissive.
- I'm happy to be your daddy. Daddy.
- Dumb. I would like to be a better
submissive, but, you know,
- Work in progress.
I, I, I think, you know, it's all a,
a work in progress for all of us.
Mm-Hmm. and I, I think that's, um,
kind of what it's all about.
Mm-Hmm. and understanding
that it's a work in progress and Yeah.
- And I have to remember that sometimes you can just sit
down and have a conversation and there won't be a
resolution, but that doesn't mean
that the conversation isn't worth having.
Right. You know, me, I'm a fixer.
If we're gonna sit down
and talk about a thing, I want us
to also come up with all the solutions and
- I Susan to fix it all and,
- And then implement them and make life better.
- And that's not always the case though.
- And then what even is the point if we can't do
that , I, I know who I am, y'all.
I do . So that might be a
dissatisfying end for anybody
who also likes little neat bow Mm-Hmm.
res, uh, resolutions. Mm-Hmm. .
What I'll say is I don't, I don't know
what anybody would've gotten out of this other than,
oh my God, would these two shut the fuck up about
their personal problems.
Right. Uh, that's fair.
Um, I,
I guess the thing I would hope anybody else walks away
with is, is this, that even if you can't come up
with a resolution, you know, there's no resolution
and you can't change anything about what's going on.
Mm-Hmm. , it's still worth having
the conversation.
Yeah. And check-ins aren't,
they never have been just for when things are going well.
Um, or you're trying to, like, you get you,
or for when you can focus on your power exchange.
I think they're equally, if not more important when you know
that you haven't been able to focus on your power exchange.
Because then the check-in becomes a, Hey, uh,
let me acknowledge what, where I'm maybe not doing my best.
Let's talk about what's going on.
Let's make sure we're still on the same page because Mm-Hmm.
that has been the hardest thing is when I feel
disconnected from you.
Not in the, it's so weird when I feel disconnected from JB
because he is going through something
and has pulled away from me, I find that intolerable
and unbearable , and we are going to solve that.
- But - When I feel disconnected, either
because I'm going through my own shit Mm-Hmm.
or because we're both being pulled
in different directions
and it's ha it's, uh, happening at the same time.
So I'm not focusing on how you've pulled away from me
'cause it, we're, we're just,
it feels like we're pulling away
together, if that makes any sense.
Probably not. Um, and then I lost the train of thought,
but , when we can sit down
and talk about it, I feel less alone.
Mm-Hmm. and things are still what they are,
but they don't feel as unbearable. Right.
- Well, I I'm, I'm, I'm going to try
and finish your train of thought
that you lost a little bit there
because you were saying how when, when I pull myself away,
you jump in and you wanna fix it. Yeah.
- I can't, I can't handle it. You,
- You gotta reconnect to me and I
and when you pull away, you're just like, no.
Back. Get away.
- Oh, I'm, uh, we might joke about how I'm a Scorpio bitch,
but that is probably never truer than when I'm, I'm sort
of self isolating Yeah.
And closed off. Yeah. Mm-Hmm. .
'cause I get it in my head that my problems aren't solvable,
but if I can just so nobody can help me.
But if I can just obsess over the problems problem,
I'll come up with a solution and fix it myself.
I could, I could probably keep a therapist in Starbucks
for life if I would just go see one, uh,
so much to unpack, so much to unpack .
Um, so yeah.
I, you know, nothing necessary to learn
other than that JB accidentally turned down a blow job.
. Um,
but if it prompts you to have your own conversations Yeah.
And I think that's a good thing. Mm-Hmm.
I think that that, um,
even when you can't fix it, talking
through it is still helpful on, and sometimes
- It's helpful just to talk about
- It.
Yeah. And sometimes I avoid that
because I'm like, I don't wanna talk about a thing I can't
solve because that's just reminding me that Yeah.
That I can't solve the problem.
- Yeah. - But you know what it,
those times I'm not meant to have that conversation.
And then there will come a moment where I'm like, I just,
I wanna, I wanna be with my daddy
and let's just have a conversation
and wherever it goes, it goes.
And then I can talk about that.
It's helpful if you put it on the internet
and you give yourself, uh, an audience
- . Yeah. Right.
- Uh, your mileage may vary. . Um, okay.
Alright. That's, that's a lot from us.
I, if it makes anybody feel any better,
I've already planned out next week's episode
and it should not be this fucking heavy or whatever.
This was, this next week I think will be a fun one.
'cause we haven't done it in a few weeks, so. Okay. Okay.
Yeah. We can do a bonus section. Okay.
- So, uh, are we good? - I'm probably not the one to ask
- .
. Keep it kinky
- Y'all.
And we'll see you
all. Todd.
- Yes, baby girl. - Can I talk to the crickets?
- Sure. - I don't know what to say, .
- I mean, I got Nope, now you gotta say something.
I know you asked to talk and I gave you permission, so I've
- Got like a laundry list of things that are going on.
I don't, sometimes I get very
self-conscious about the bonus section.
'cause I, I am imagine the meanest possible person
who could come across our content who doesn't know us
and be like, why the fuck are you telling anybody this?
I am not nice to myself.
When life gets stressful, just , I default to
the meanest voice in my head possible.
It's, I, I'm not happy about it,
but I do recognize what happens.
. So let's see. I'll go through the laundry list.
Um, I somehow convinced, uh, uh,
a doctor I really don't vibe with
to please give me my estrogen
and testosterone back then I'm miserable, uh, without,
I no longer have a, a uterus or a cervix.
And so those, uh, uh, hormones are like wonky,
but they were wonky even when I did have
all of the, the plumbing.
And so please let me have that medication back. .
I am miserable. And she reluctantly did.
Um, I've only been on it a few days, so I don't,
it's not long, not been long enough for anything.
But it's, it's, I feel like it's a
step in the right direction.
Which, it's weird.
I'd only been off the medication for like three
and a half, four months, but it was all happening in the
midst of all these other
changes that have been taking place.
And so I stopped feeling hopeful about anything. Mm-Hmm.
. And then getting that one change,
even though she was so reluctant.
And she's just not a doctor I vibe with.
Um, but I also don't have the mental
energy to go look for another doctor.
So it's like, what the fuck ever, um,
that I felt like I felt hopeful.
Mm-Hmm. when she was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then of course she was slow to move
to get me the prescriptions that I need.
And I had to do some stuff to make it happen on my own.
I had to work for it, but, you know, whatever.
At least I got it. Um, I'm finally gonna go to a doctor,
my doctor on Friday about whatever's going on with my arms.
Mm-Hmm. neck and shoulders,
which has been keeping me from sleeping a full night
for a year at this point.
Maybe. Hmm. Maybe not quite that long,
- But No, not quite that long.
- Well, definitely almost six months, but maybe, Mm-Hmm.
, I don't know. So I am,
uh, I'm looking forward to that.
I don't know that. I think all she's gonna do is go,
I think I need to refer you
to the orthopedic doctor and I'll be like, okay.
- Probably send you for an X-ray first. Yeah.
- They usually do. I, I think the question I'm gonna be is,
is there anything you can give me that will help
with this pain at night?
Because I would like to try to sleep again. Thanks.
Um, I know that's part of a lot
of my emotional problems is I'm just not sleeping well.
And that will fuck you up For sure.
Um, what else is on my laundry list of things?
Um, we're gonna go on our little road trip to buy Yes.
Micah. Mm-Hmm. , which
is what we use in our resin.
For anybody who's like, what the fuck is Micah?
It's colored and pigment.
- Well, the, the place we've been buying from,
they're here in Florida.
Mm-Hmm. and, um Mm-Hmm. .
We've been really, really pleased
with their product and their colors.
Um, we,
while shopping on the internet is well
and good, sometimes you don't get a true
representation of the color.
Mm-Hmm. online.
So we, uh, want to go see what they have in person. Yep.
- Yep. We had always told ourself if we ever got
to go shop in person, we would,
we would just buy everything we wanted that .
We are adorable. We're gonna go in with a list
and a budget, but that's okay.
Mm-Hmm. . That's okay. Um, so
yeah, we're doing that this weekend.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, the 18-year-old has a concert
this Thursday night that we're gonna go see.
I'm very excited about that. I've not seen the child since
- That's right. Tomorrow night. Oh my. Yeah.
- Oh my God. When was the last time I saw that child?
- Um, would've been back in December. mid-December though. I
- Late December when he came home for Chris. Oh
- My, when your mom - No, he came home for Christmas
'cause he went to the concert with us.
- Oh, that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The TSO.
- Has that been the last time I saw
my baby boy who is not a baby boy?
He's a fucking adult, but whatever, whatever. Oh my god.
Has it really been that long?
- I just saw him this past weekend. I
- Know.
And you saw him a couple weekends before. Yeah.
But yeah, we're gonna see him
and he's gonna hate it when I like hang on his neck
for like longer than he probably wants
- because I'll be like,
- I have missed you.
Um, but yeah, we're gonna go watch his concert on Thursday.
Um, oh, this is the,
the youngest has lots of doctor's appointments.
There's just lots of stuff going on.
But I did have a win this week, so
pediatrician was not helpful.
But I always start with the
pediatrician when it's like new stuff.
Like take a look, make, make sure like it's,
tell me if it's something that like you need
to prescribe something or blah blah.
Uh, we did that and he was like, oh you need to call his,
his gi his this, his that.
And I was like, okay, you are not helpful at all.
Nor did he, he didn't deny,
but he also didn't validate when I was like,
you see all this laundry list of symptoms?
Do you think they could be connected?
He was like, uh, so helpful. So helpful. Yeah.
Um, anyway, so when I called the GI doctor,
'cause I knew that was gonna be the next call I needed
to make, but I was like, they were like, I am so sorry.
Our next appointment is not available until January
of 2025.
And I went, yeah, what what? Yeah.
They said, let, we'll get you on the schedule
so you have an appointment officially
and then you can call at any point
to see if we have
cancellations or openings that have come up.
And I'm like, okay.
And so then the 14-year-old had like a really bad
day physically.
And I went, I've gotta call this GI doctor.
I didn't think I was gonna call today,
but I'm gonna call today.
It was like a few days later I call back
and I get just the nicest, most helpful human on the planet.
And she's telling me, she's like, well they've,
they've put a hold on scheduling stuff
because they're going through some
restructuring or whatever, whatever.
She was like, that's probably why there wasn't anything
available till 2025.
I was like, yeah, I get that, but can you just check?
And she goes, yeah, lemme pull up the master or whatever.
She goes, and this was what on it was on Monday I called.
She goes, I have an appointment open for next Monday.
I went, I don't care what time it is.
I don't care what office it is, who we'll take it.
Um, so that was delightful.
Um, yeah, I almost,
I had, I don't, I don't ever wanna be a Karen.
I don't ever wanna be a Karen.
I don't ever wanna be a Karen,
but I think I understand the urge sometimes.
So psychiatrist's office, the kid's got anxiety.
We have to manage that medically.
We tried not managing that medically
and that was the worst two months
of anybody's lives in this house, certainly for the kid.
So he's got an appointment, we drive to it while I'm driving
to it, it's 45 minutes away
because he does not want telehealth.
He does not function well with it.
So I'm like, fine, we'll go in person,
but the office is 45 minutes away.
I'm on the highway driving to the office.
The billing department is calling me demanding payment
before the appointment.
Now here's how the office works.
You, they don't let the doctor know you're there to see them
until they collect payment.
So they were gonna get payment before the appointment.
I can't answer the phone when I'm driving down the fucking
highway, nor do I like that office enough to be willing to.
So they call 45 minutes out from the appointment.
We get there 15 minutes early.
'cause that's what they always tell you to do.
And I know I gotta make a pain point and I like to be early.
It helps my anxiety.
I, my phone's on silent so I did not know this from the time
I pulled into the parking lot they called.
I didn't realize it 'cause my phone was in my purse.
Then I get to the front desk
and I'm take giving the front desk person my payment
for his appointment.
'cause they don't take his insurance
and we're self-pay until I find him a new doctor.
She takes my payment
before she can click the button on her little system
that says payment received.
They have called a third time
and canceled the appointment
that we're standing in the fucking office.
Four . I'm sitting in the waiting area.
I happen to look at my phone. I pull up, thank God
for transcript on voicemail.
I pull it up and it says,
this appointment has been canceled.
I'm like, what the actual fucking fuck. I calmly .
I quickly walked to the front off desk
and I'm holding my phone and I said, excuse me.
She goes, oh, I saw it. I'm fixing it.
She goes, they literally did that right as I was about
to click the button that says payment received .
Then the doctor had gotten the message
that the appointment was canceled
and didn't see the message rescheduled.
So we waited 20 minutes in the waiting room
and it was that front desk person deserves a raise
and a medal because she's the one that went to the office
and was like, your nine 30 is here and has been here.
He comes out mortified.
He's like, I got a message
that the appointment was canceled.
I'm like, yeah, that was your billing office doing
that while we were standing here.
He was like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
We get through the appointment, the kid gets the medication.
I wanted him to be on 'cause we know what fucking works.
And I, and he gives us three months of refills
and I'm like, hot fucking damn.
That means I don't have to deal with this place
for three fucking months and I'll go find a new
psychiatrist's office then the fucking rob of this, y'all.
Oh my God.
So he said, you don't have
to worry about scheduling a follow up while you're here.
No big deal. If you need, if something comes up
and you need me, go ahead.
Call. We'll get you in. He's like, but
otherwise you can wait and make that follow up
for, for three months from now.
I'm like, okay, fine. In my head I'm going,
I'm not making another goddamn
appointment with you motherfuckers.
But I didn't say that to him because it's not
his fault that the mm-Hmm.
admin side of this place is close nuts. Yeah.
Now here's the fucking irony.
I didn't make an appointment that day. Right? Right.
, the next day I get an email
and a voicemail about how, hey,
you didn't make a follow-up appointment
and follow-up appointments are important
for continuation of care.
Oh really? The appointments are important for a continuation
of goddamn care.
Who would've thought would you call
at your earliest convenience
and make that follow up appointment at the same time?
The billing office calls? No, not the billing.
Like the, the some other part of their admin goes, oh,
we see that your appointment was canceled,
but now you've made payment
and if you would like to reschedule
that canceled appointment.
- Yeah. They're a they're a hot mess.
- And then the next day I didn't tell you I got another
follow up email slash voicemail about how
you should really make that follow up appointment.
It's good for continuation of care, continuity
of care, whatever they say.
- Whew. Yeah. Are you fucking
- Kidding me?
. This is the same place
that the kids new health insurance, new to him, I mean,
is listed on the psychiatrist's office website as insurance.
They take, it's listed on the insurance sites thing
of find a provider listed twice.
The pediatrician still has that office listed
as they accept this kind of insurance.
Mm-Hmm. , because I, I asked for,
you have a list of, you know, psychiatrists
that you recommend work with.
Well, like, give me a list. I gotta start somewhere.
But I called twice
'cause I was like, oh, this insurance used
to be under a different name so lemme call a second time.
'cause maybe they didn't know the new name.
Let me give the old name. Mm-Hmm. twice.
And they were like, Nope, we don't take that insurance.
And see, here's the thing. I'm willing to bet they might
- And they just - Don't fucking know They do.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
I'm feeling better about this so I can talk about it
, because I was very sad about this.
This is not, this is, there's no segue here.
That's all going on. And on top of just other things.
Ben helping the 14 old with lots of things,
health school, just lots of stuff.
And I worry about him every moment of every day.
It's just like, Mm-Hmm.
can't stop. Won't stop.
- Yeah. .
- And then he reminds me, and he's needed me.
I mean, he said, mom, I I need your help.
I need I don't leave me. I need you. I need you.
I'm here, baby. I'm here. Whatever you need.
And then today I'm trying to talk to him about something
and he treats me with the utter disdain of all
teenagers everywhere.
. And in the moments my feelings were hurt.
But now I'm like, Aw.
He, he acted like a typical teenager. Aw.
He was a little asshole. We love to see it. .
- Look, - I'm telling you, when, when you have
to like see a very vulnerable side
of somebody you care about, first of all, it's a, it's a bit
of a shock when you get to see their, like
air quote, typical side.
Mm-Hmm. . Like, it took me a minute.
Like my feelings really were hurt.
I had to walk away and be like, you're the adult.
Regulate your own emotions. You're the adult.
Be the adult . I had to go have a moment to myself.
Um, but now I'm like, I'm in a better frame of mind.
I'm like, he was a shitty teenager. Aw, .
That's that's actually a good sign. Yeah.
I can't even be at him anymore.
So Yeah. So that's my stuff. .
I mean, we, we've been sending out orders
and selling kinky shit and it's delightful.
And I get such a dopamine hit every fucking time.
And you and I have good plans for
restocking what's now sold out.
Mm-Hmm. . And like we're,
we're on it and we're doing it.
And that part, that part is like just clicking away.
It's, it's doing what it's supposed to do. Yeah.
It's not where we need it to be financially for
our personal situation, but it is, it's doing good.
It's moving in the right direction. Mm-Hmm. .
But there's Oh, excuse me. Yeah.
. And when we're done here,
I'm gonna go do eighth grade math, which means I'm going
to reteach myself eighth grade math from 30
plus years ago.
Uh, and then go do eighth grade math
with the 14-year-old.
But I know. So yeah.
Anything and I, I know I suck up all the oxygen. Anything.
No, that was enough. Huh? I got nothing. Yeah. Yeah. So.
Mm-Hmm. . There we are. There we are. Good.
The bad, the ugly. Yeah.
usually all in the same five second moment.
Um, just on a loop. Yeah. Uh, yeah.
I guess we can be done. Mm-Hmm.
, uh, if you stuck around till this bitter end,
you are, uh, fucking amazing.
Right. Um,
and I don't have anything else to say to that.
No thanks to educated for sponsoring. Mm-Hmm.
they keep sponsoring the chaos.
So clearly they enjoy the chaos. Yeah.
Um, I always feel like I feel bad
and then I'm like, no, they keep coming back.
So, so they, they enjoy it on some level. .
Um, yeah, that's all I got. Okay.
I guess we're gonna stop now. Mm-Hmm.
just, just stop. Yep.
Uh, I'm gonna at least say go. Mm-Hmm. . Bye.
See you next week. Thanks. Hopefully I don't cry next week.
That would be nice.