- You are listening to Loving BDSM podcast.
Okay. The Lord's here with the one, the only the, uh,
you look like you could use a nap. John Brownstone,
- The bleary-eyed and worst wear and tear. Yeah. JB
- Yeah.
Yeah. Thank goodness this is a podcast, .
I'm not sure what the, uh, YouTube folks will, will
- Get, but I know, right?
Well, you know, . Yeah. It, it's, yeah.
- Yeah. - I don't think there'd be enough
coffee to, uh, no.
- I think we're mainlining coffee today. Yeah. Both of us.
Mm-Hmm. , because we, we took a gummy
and, which was fine,
but then we didn't really go to bed, sleep, whatever,
till like midnight.
But we get up at 6:00 AM . Yep. And we're too old.
. That's not enough sleep.
- Speak for yourself. Too old.
- Six hours of sleep. Yeah.
You seem to be holding up pretty well. ,
- Right?
- Sure, sure. That's why your eyes won't open all the way.
. She said. Submissively.
That's not what we're here for. This week.
We're answering a question from someone in a long distance
DSS relationship who wants to make it work
and make it good for both partners.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
If you're new around here, we hope kinks like you have
happy, healthy power exchange relationships.
You can add the podcast to your favorite podcast app
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And if you'd like us to answer one
of your questions in an upcoming episode,
we have a contact page called Ask your Questions.
We try to be nice and clear
and obvious, clear communication,
you know, makes the world go round.
Uh, that's available on our website@lovingbdsm.net
and in the show notes for this episode.
Okay, let's get into the question. Okay. Short but sweet.
And, but there's a lot here.
Uh, how can I make the most out
of my long distance DSS relationship?
We're both married and live almost two hours apart.
We try to get together once a month,
but how can we keep the time apart just as exciting.
My dom is amazing and I do not want to lose him.
So, before we get into our actual tips,
I'm gonna let you know that we have talked about long
distance relationships multiple times over the years
because we, in fact, were, uh, what am I trying to say?
We were originally in a long distance relationship. Correct.
Uh, did that for 18 months before we moved in together.
Uh, so we feel like we have a little experience
with this a little bit.
So we've talked about it in past, uh, podcast episodes.
I'll link to those. We also, uh, shameless plug, uh,
we have a workbook
for people in long distance DSS relationships.
Mm-Hmm. , it doesn't like teach you how
to have a long distance relationship.
What it does is it helps you think
through the different ways you're going
to make your DSS work when you're not together,
and then how you can maximize
the time when you are together.
So that's on our sc shop that will be linked below as well.
If you happen to be watching this or listening
or whatever, um, in January, 2024,
that workbook is on sale, uh, through the end of the month.
So just letting you know that. Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
So shameless self-promotion over.
- Okay. What, - What are your thoughts?
- Time management. Oh
- Yeah.
, you know, it's hard enough when you're single,
but if you are married to somebody else Right.
And trying to have this Yeah. Time
- Management, um, you know, yeah.
It, it's not unheard of to have relationships like this.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, both partners married
and yet they have a Mm-Hmm.
relationship. And, and yeah.
The best thing you're gonna have find to do is,
is time management.
Yeah. You know, crunch, crunch the time.
Make sure you, you communicate that you have,
you work out specific times that you can, you know,
meet, talk Mm-Hmm.
what, you know, whatever, but
- You Yeah.
I think the, the planning
aspect is probably the most important.
And if you are not a natural planner,
this will be a new skill to learn .
Yeah. Or if one of you isn't much of a planner
and one of you definitely is, ah,
that could create a little friction.
Mm-Hmm. . But when you know that you can only
actually physically be together maybe once a month, you sort
of have to make, do with the time that you have apart.
Right. But then you're also juggling,
you have other responsibilities.
If you're married, maybe you have kids,
maybe you just have a busy life that you have to navigate
and this has to fit into that.
Um, so there's gonna need to be a lot
of honest conversations about how much time
you can genuinely devote to one another
and what methods you're going to use to
spend that time together.
Um, for us, we both were adults,
essentially living on our own or independent.
Yeah. Um, so we could do things like phone sex,
that was easy to do.
Mm-Hmm. , if you are living in a household
with other people, that may be more difficult.
So maybe it's a lot of text.
Maybe it's, I can't believe I'm gonna say email is old
fashioned, but it does feel that way.
, maybe it is, maybe it's connecting through, um,
online things like Discord or WhatsApp or, Mm-Hmm.
whatever, whatever. Um,
- Or even Zoom, you know, whether you do Zoom
or Skype or Exactly. Something like that. Yes.
- The other thing that I have a feeling would be
most important, um, it's for any long distance relationship,
but especially when you've got all other
commitments outside of that.
Mm-Hmm. , um, is finding
and taking advantage of small bits of time.
I tend to be the type of person who gets very frustrated
that if I can't have all the time, literal hours, days,
whatever, I don't think that anything outside of that is
worth it, worth the effort, worth the energy.
That's not true. And I also worry
that five minutes isn't enough.
I won't be fulfilling, I won't be happy.
But actually all those little five minutes here,
five minutes there, add up.
When we were long distance, we each worked in an office
and not, we didn't work an eight to five literally,
but we had that kind of vibe.
Mm-Hmm. . And our
schedules didn't quite line up.
We had some control over our schedules and not others,
but we would, we knew in the flow of our day,
because of our professional life,
when we could snatch five minutes for ourselves
to uhhuh , send a text to, you know,
send an email, respond to something.
Um, with being power exchange, JB really like
to send me like little orders and commands.
Mm-Hmm. , they involved a lot of masturbation
in the ladies room. ,
- .
- And then that's like that, the exciting part is, okay,
you're, you know, from a submissive perspective,
you're getting told to go do something that you find sexy
and like whatever, and you're getting that submission.
But also you have to like, run the gauntlet
of when can I get into the ladies room
and nobody else will be there, or Mm-Hmm.
, can I be quiet enough to not for nobody else
to know what's going on.
'cause that would not have been okay.
Um, but that was a, you would send me
that text when you got the time.
Yeah. And then you understood that I would
do whatever I was asked to respond to
that text when I got the time.
Mm-Hmm. . So there's also that need
for the understanding that your five minutes
of availability might not match up to your partners
and some things are gonna be asynchronous.
Um, so in terms of commands, orders, tasks, rules,
there has to be an understanding between you
that your partner may ask for something at nine o'clock and
because of the nature of your life, you might not deliver
that until five o'clock.
- Right. You, you can't expect, you know, long distance like
that, it's hard to expect, um, you know, an instant Mm-Hmm.
response to those, those kind of requests.
And you have to be flexible in that part, you know,
because whether it's job, whether it's family at that point
because of the, the relationship, you know, you're,
that's something that you're gonna have
to keep in mind. Mm-Hmm.
- . So once you figure out
how you're gonna communicate
and where you can snatch your five minutes here
or there, the other thing, um, would be to
schedule larger blocks of time for communication.
Mm-Hmm. it, again, it might not be as often
as you want or as much time as you want.
Um, but it's, you sort of need to like find
where your schedules overlap enough for any amount of time
and pencil those in
and keep those,
make those commitments like you're scheduling,
you know, an appointment almost.
And to the best of your ability, keep those times
for one another because once you have those times
where you know you're gonna interact,
you know you're gonna talk that leaves room to,
to get kinky and, and be fun with it.
Mm-Hmm. , lots of sexting.
And it depends on how your power exchange manifests.
If there's a a, an erotic element to it, then sexting
and flirting and, you know, just talking to one another.
For us, it was a lot of text in sort of dom sub
mindset was good.
I mean, that was very helpful. Um, I'm a service sub
and JB wants me to do shit for him.
So even long distance , uh, he would come up
with things that I could do for him.
Some of them were for my own benefit.
Some of them were sexy, kinky,
and some of them were, Hey, I've got,
you gave me this power and I'm gonna use it.
And so it's gonna sound like a really random
thing, but go do the thing.
. Um, and that was a great way to
live in our role a little bit, even in the middle
of like a very busy, hectic day.
You know, like we could be like the example
of I get the text of go, you know, edge yourself Mm-Hmm.
in the, the ladies' bathroom
when you get an opportunity.
Right. I didn't know what day that was coming.
I didn't know when that was coming, but I would,
he would send it and when I got the opportunity I could.
And so we weren't doing things at the exact same time.
Right. But he had that moment of getting to tell me
to do something and I had that moment of getting
to go do the thing that my dom wanted me to do.
Right. And it doesn't, it doesn't have
to be semi-public masturbation.
I mean, not, not every, uh,
work environment is gonna allow for that anyway.
Not everybody wants to do that, but whatever it might be
that can allow you both
to do something within your power exchange role
that can help you feel stay connected,
that can make it sort of fun.
I mean, you know, long distance relationships
of any flavor are, you know, are difficult.
They, you don't get to spend as much time
with a partner necessarily as you want to.
You don't get to see them as often as you might want to.
Um, you have other commitments that sort of infiltrate
and will have to take up bandwidth
that you have those commitments when you're living together
as well, or when you're physically closer to each other.
But it's just harder when
there's distance between you.
Mm-Hmm. . Um,
but when you can create
touch points for one another Mm-Hmm.
that can keep the fun and the spark
and the excitement of it.
Yeah. Alive. And that's the thing you want to find are
what are the ways in small doses that work
for our lives, our real lives.
Mm-Hmm. not the idealized version, you know,
we have in our head Yeah.
That allow the distance to feel less difficult.
It never, I don't think it ever becomes, you know,
easy at all unless you,
you actively just want a long distance
relationship and that's your vibe.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, but you have to, you know,
find ways where you can feel connected, even if
that connection is not the, you know,
there's a word I want
the ideal scenario.
The ideal situation.
Like yes, ideally you want your partner there every moment
of every day and you know, they can be your dom
and you can be their sub or whatever, whatever.
Yeah. But
what you actually get in real time is 20 minutes in the
morning, an hour in the evening,
random text messages through the day.
So make those count.
- Sure. And,
and I think one of the other things too, especially in, in,
in this relationship, uh, understanding on both sides, they,
they need to be understanding
because let's be honest, um, you know, there's,
there's two separate relationships outside
of their relationship.
Mm-Hmm. and shit happens.
Life happens as we both well know. Right? Absolutely.
So, you know, be understanding
of the unexpected.
- Yes. I, if you happen to be a person who's very sort
of rigid in your thinking, very, um, you plan everything out
and you don't tolerate changes
and disruptions to your plans.
Well, I'm, I'm one of those , uh,
there is an adjustment to be, to be that you have to kind
of go through where you don't have to like it
and you may never even get comfortable with it, but,
but it has to just become part of the understanding that
shit's gonna get fucked up.
And the plans that you had for the, you know,
scene you were gonna do over Zoom
or whatever, or over the phone.
Mm-Hmm. like FaceTime, whatever.
That's not happening tonight.
You know, the, something came up.
The other part of that is you have to keep the lines
of communication open
because in a long distance relationship, it is very easy
to think that silence from your partner, un unexpected,
unexplained silence is either they've ghosted you
or they're dead on the side of the road.
Right. Like there's, and maybe that's just my anxious brain,
but I, I think a lot of people would relate to that.
So if something goes wrong in with your plan,
don't ever leave a partner hanging.
Tell them as soon as you are physically capable. Yeah.
Even if it's a five word text that says, you know,
something went wrong, talk later.
Like whatever. Mm-Hmm.
, um, just keep each other in the
loop of on those things.
Yeah. Mm-Hmm. . Now I do wanna like have a
little moment here for the very last part
that was not a question,
but I'm, I'm gonna like
do some not tough love like mean Mm-Hmm.
But I just wanna lean into it.
Uh, they said my dom is amazing
and I do not want to lose him.
What I hope for you is that your dom would say,
my sub is amazing and I do not want to lose them.
Yeah. Because you can't keep somebody
who doesn't want to be there.
And long distance relationships require effort and hard work
and some amount of sacrifice and they're just tougher.
Yeah. And so you not wanting
to lose your partner is admirable.
And I think like anybody who's, you know, really cares
for their partner, that's exactly what they think.
But what I want for you is for them to feel the same way.
Because if each of you have that view
and things are relatively healthy
and lines of communication are open Mm-Hmm.
, if you're both working hard on the
relationship, you have a much better
chance of it succeeding.
True. But if you are the only one working hard on
it, it yeah.
You're gonna be miserable, be,
you know, one way or the other.
Either you're gonna be miserable in the relationship
because you're putting in all the effort and they are not,
or you're gonna be miserable 'cause it ends
and you're heartbroken.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, so I, you know, I get it.
I would say the same thing about jb my dom is amazing
and I do not want to lose him,
but I also understand
that he would say the same thing about me.
You know what I mean? Um, you, you don't have
to do all of the work.
- No, no. That is what I'm saying. No. Okay.
Just like in any type of relationship, it takes two.
- Right. And your dom should be putting in
just as much effort as you are.
Right. That effort might look different, right? Mm-Hmm.
. Um, but the expectation that each
of you is working towards something positive in this
relationship, you need to keep that expectation.
Yeah. And then sort of measure
what you're receiving against that expectation.
Right? Mm-Hmm. like if you're the one putting
in all the effort and you're the one scheduling all the
times and you're the one following up
and you are the one re constantly reaching out
and they're not making a lot of effort,
it's time for a conversation.
Like, why aren't they? Is it
because you're trying, y'all are trying to do too much
and your schedules don't align
and life is just not allowing for that.
You know, that happens. Right.
But just, I just wanna like put that in there
because it is not uncommon in,
in any relationship long distance or
otherwise, that's not really like the best match
for one person to put in all of the effort.
Absolutely. And the other one to just sort of coast along
because they can depend on their partner.
Mm-Hmm. to put in all of the effort,
what your efforts individually look like might be different.
Like you have your own set of skills and strengths
and they have their own Mm-Hmm.
, but there should be
equitable effort, correct?
- Absolutely. Mm-Hmm. - . So I just wanna,
wanted to give you that little,
little not quite tough love lecture there.
, uh, yeah.
Mm-Hmm. , I think. I think that's it. Okay.
Okay. Uh, just one last plug.
If you were in an LDR
and you're like, what, what, what, what do I do?
We'll have links below to where we've talked about it.
I say below in the places to
where we've talked about it plus our long
distance DSS workbook.
I'm just saying it's available on
Etsy. Mm-Hmm. Digital download
- Comes in handy. Yeah.
- Okay. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode.
If you want us to answer one of your questions,
just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the show notes.
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