1 00:00:10,905 --> 00:00:12,525 - You are listening to Loving BDSM podcast. 2 00:00:12,875 --> 00:00:15,965 Okay. The Lord's here with the one, the only the, uh, 3 00:00:16,425 --> 00:00:18,845 you look like you could use a nap. John Brownstone, 4 00:00:18,985 --> 00:00:21,805 - The bleary-eyed and worst wear and tear. Yeah. JB 5 00:00:21,805 --> 00:00:22,805 - Yeah. 6 00:00:22,805 --> 00:00:24,125 Yeah. Thank goodness this is a podcast, . 7 00:00:24,865 --> 00:00:27,485 I'm not sure what the, uh, YouTube folks will, will 8 00:00:27,485 --> 00:00:28,485 - Get, but I know, right? 9 00:00:28,515 --> 00:00:31,805 Well, you know, . Yeah. It, it's, yeah. 10 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,405 - Yeah. - I don't think there'd be enough 11 00:00:34,425 --> 00:00:35,925 coffee to, uh, no. 12 00:00:36,005 --> 00:00:39,045 - I think we're mainlining coffee today. Yeah. Both of us. 13 00:00:39,045 --> 00:00:42,205 Mm-Hmm. , because we, we took a gummy 14 00:00:42,785 --> 00:00:43,925 and, which was fine, 15 00:00:44,425 --> 00:00:47,125 but then we didn't really go to bed, sleep, whatever, 16 00:00:47,125 --> 00:00:48,125 till like midnight. 17 00:00:48,345 --> 00:00:51,405 But we get up at 6:00 AM . Yep. And we're too old. 18 00:00:52,045 --> 00:00:53,485 . That's not enough sleep. 19 00:00:53,895 --> 00:00:55,165 - Speak for yourself. Too old. 20 00:00:55,905 --> 00:00:57,125 - Six hours of sleep. Yeah. 21 00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:58,965 You seem to be holding up pretty well. , 22 00:00:59,135 --> 00:01:00,135 - Right? 23 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:03,405 - Sure, sure. That's why your eyes won't open all the way. 24 00:01:04,045 --> 00:01:06,685 . She said. Submissively. 25 00:01:07,585 --> 00:01:10,725 That's not what we're here for. This week. 26 00:01:10,725 --> 00:01:13,405 We're answering a question from someone in a long distance 27 00:01:13,585 --> 00:01:15,765 DSS relationship who wants to make it work 28 00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:17,645 and make it good for both partners. 29 00:01:18,275 --> 00:01:19,925 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. 30 00:01:20,265 --> 00:01:22,405 If you're new around here, we hope kinks like you have 31 00:01:22,405 --> 00:01:23,805 happy, healthy power exchange relationships. 32 00:01:24,145 --> 00:01:26,005 You can add the podcast to your favorite podcast app 33 00:01:26,005 --> 00:01:27,205 so you never miss an episode. 34 00:01:27,265 --> 00:01:28,645 And if you'd like us to answer one 35 00:01:28,645 --> 00:01:30,005 of your questions in an upcoming episode, 36 00:01:30,145 --> 00:01:32,365 we have a contact page called Ask your Questions. 37 00:01:32,385 --> 00:01:33,645 We try to be nice and clear 38 00:01:33,645 --> 00:01:35,045 and obvious, clear communication, 39 00:01:35,045 --> 00:01:36,285 you know, makes the world go round. 40 00:01:36,505 --> 00:01:39,165 Uh, that's available on our website@lovingbdsm.net 41 00:01:39,225 --> 00:01:41,125 and in the show notes for this episode. 42 00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:44,085 Okay, let's get into the question. Okay. Short but sweet. 43 00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:45,205 And, but there's a lot here. 44 00:01:45,625 --> 00:01:47,205 Uh, how can I make the most out 45 00:01:47,205 --> 00:01:48,805 of my long distance DSS relationship? 46 00:01:48,935 --> 00:01:51,125 We're both married and live almost two hours apart. 47 00:01:51,465 --> 00:01:53,205 We try to get together once a month, 48 00:01:53,225 --> 00:01:55,885 but how can we keep the time apart just as exciting. 49 00:01:56,305 --> 00:01:58,805 My dom is amazing and I do not want to lose him. 50 00:01:59,585 --> 00:02:01,125 So, before we get into our actual tips, 51 00:02:01,345 --> 00:02:03,125 I'm gonna let you know that we have talked about long 52 00:02:03,325 --> 00:02:05,245 distance relationships multiple times over the years 53 00:02:05,245 --> 00:02:09,925 because we, in fact, were, uh, what am I trying to say? 54 00:02:10,025 --> 00:02:13,445 We were originally in a long distance relationship. Correct. 55 00:02:13,545 --> 00:02:15,605 Uh, did that for 18 months before we moved in together. 56 00:02:15,985 --> 00:02:18,005 Uh, so we feel like we have a little experience 57 00:02:18,075 --> 00:02:19,445 with this a little bit. 58 00:02:19,625 --> 00:02:22,125 So we've talked about it in past, uh, podcast episodes. 59 00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:25,805 I'll link to those. We also, uh, shameless plug, uh, 60 00:02:25,985 --> 00:02:27,445 we have a workbook 61 00:02:28,185 --> 00:02:30,645 for people in long distance DSS relationships. 62 00:02:30,645 --> 00:02:32,885 Mm-Hmm. , it doesn't like teach you how 63 00:02:32,885 --> 00:02:34,165 to have a long distance relationship. 64 00:02:34,165 --> 00:02:35,445 What it does is it helps you think 65 00:02:35,445 --> 00:02:37,445 through the different ways you're going 66 00:02:37,505 --> 00:02:40,325 to make your DSS work when you're not together, 67 00:02:40,585 --> 00:02:42,085 and then how you can maximize 68 00:02:42,145 --> 00:02:43,325 the time when you are together. 69 00:02:43,785 --> 00:02:46,365 So that's on our sc shop that will be linked below as well. 70 00:02:46,665 --> 00:02:49,805 If you happen to be watching this or listening 71 00:02:49,825 --> 00:02:53,685 or whatever, um, in January, 2024, 72 00:02:54,115 --> 00:02:56,525 that workbook is on sale, uh, through the end of the month. 73 00:02:56,545 --> 00:02:58,645 So just letting you know that. Mm-Hmm. . Okay. 74 00:02:58,665 --> 00:03:01,325 So shameless self-promotion over. 75 00:03:01,755 --> 00:03:04,045 - Okay. What, - What are your thoughts? 76 00:03:04,395 --> 00:03:05,805 - Time management. Oh 77 00:03:05,835 --> 00:03:06,835 - Yeah. 78 00:03:06,835 --> 00:03:08,685 , you know, it's hard enough when you're single, 79 00:03:08,745 --> 00:03:11,005 but if you are married to somebody else Right. 80 00:03:11,265 --> 00:03:13,005 And trying to have this Yeah. Time 81 00:03:13,005 --> 00:03:15,125 - Management, um, you know, yeah. 82 00:03:15,145 --> 00:03:18,485 It, it's not unheard of to have relationships like this. 83 00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:21,735 Mm-Hmm. , you know, both partners married 84 00:03:21,995 --> 00:03:23,495 and yet they have a Mm-Hmm. 85 00:03:23,535 --> 00:03:26,015 relationship. And, and yeah. 86 00:03:26,075 --> 00:03:28,975 The best thing you're gonna have find to do is, 87 00:03:29,235 --> 00:03:30,455 is time management. 88 00:03:30,765 --> 00:03:32,775 Yeah. You know, crunch, crunch the time. 89 00:03:33,525 --> 00:03:36,695 Make sure you, you communicate that you have, 90 00:03:37,875 --> 00:03:41,215 you work out specific times that you can, you know, 91 00:03:41,885 --> 00:03:43,415 meet, talk Mm-Hmm. 92 00:03:43,455 --> 00:03:45,935 what, you know, whatever, but 93 00:03:45,955 --> 00:03:46,955 - You Yeah. 94 00:03:46,955 --> 00:03:47,935 I think the, the planning 95 00:03:48,075 --> 00:03:49,375 aspect is probably the most important. 96 00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:50,775 And if you are not a natural planner, 97 00:03:50,805 --> 00:03:52,975 this will be a new skill to learn . 98 00:03:53,085 --> 00:03:55,375 Yeah. Or if one of you isn't much of a planner 99 00:03:55,395 --> 00:03:57,495 and one of you definitely is, ah, 100 00:03:57,495 --> 00:03:58,695 that could create a little friction. 101 00:03:58,695 --> 00:04:01,855 Mm-Hmm. . But when you know that you can only 102 00:04:02,935 --> 00:04:06,215 actually physically be together maybe once a month, you sort 103 00:04:06,215 --> 00:04:08,335 of have to make, do with the time that you have apart. 104 00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:09,615 Right. But then you're also juggling, 105 00:04:09,995 --> 00:04:11,215 you have other responsibilities. 106 00:04:11,215 --> 00:04:12,455 If you're married, maybe you have kids, 107 00:04:12,905 --> 00:04:16,655 maybe you just have a busy life that you have to navigate 108 00:04:16,955 --> 00:04:19,215 and this has to fit into that. 109 00:04:19,795 --> 00:04:21,655 Um, so there's gonna need to be a lot 110 00:04:21,655 --> 00:04:24,295 of honest conversations about how much time 111 00:04:25,195 --> 00:04:27,935 you can genuinely devote to one another 112 00:04:28,515 --> 00:04:31,095 and what methods you're going to use to 113 00:04:31,625 --> 00:04:32,855 spend that time together. 114 00:04:33,355 --> 00:04:36,135 Um, for us, we both were adults, 115 00:04:36,135 --> 00:04:38,735 essentially living on our own or independent. 116 00:04:38,765 --> 00:04:40,975 Yeah. Um, so we could do things like phone sex, 117 00:04:40,975 --> 00:04:41,975 that was easy to do. 118 00:04:41,975 --> 00:04:44,295 Mm-Hmm. , if you are living in a household 119 00:04:44,295 --> 00:04:46,695 with other people, that may be more difficult. 120 00:04:46,795 --> 00:04:48,255 So maybe it's a lot of text. 121 00:04:48,265 --> 00:04:51,095 Maybe it's, I can't believe I'm gonna say email is old 122 00:04:51,095 --> 00:04:52,495 fashioned, but it does feel that way. 123 00:04:52,815 --> 00:04:56,015 , maybe it is, maybe it's connecting through, um, 124 00:04:56,355 --> 00:04:59,655 online things like Discord or WhatsApp or, Mm-Hmm. 125 00:04:59,695 --> 00:05:01,015 whatever, whatever. Um, 126 00:05:01,075 --> 00:05:03,135 - Or even Zoom, you know, whether you do Zoom 127 00:05:03,155 --> 00:05:05,175 or Skype or Exactly. Something like that. Yes. 128 00:05:05,355 --> 00:05:07,055 - The other thing that I have a feeling would be 129 00:05:07,605 --> 00:05:11,815 most important, um, it's for any long distance relationship, 130 00:05:11,835 --> 00:05:13,655 but especially when you've got all other 131 00:05:13,655 --> 00:05:14,775 commitments outside of that. 132 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,975 Mm-Hmm. , um, is finding 133 00:05:17,515 --> 00:05:20,055 and taking advantage of small bits of time. 134 00:05:20,455 --> 00:05:22,535 I tend to be the type of person who gets very frustrated 135 00:05:22,535 --> 00:05:26,255 that if I can't have all the time, literal hours, days, 136 00:05:26,655 --> 00:05:31,215 whatever, I don't think that anything outside of that is 137 00:05:31,745 --> 00:05:34,095 worth it, worth the effort, worth the energy. 138 00:05:34,155 --> 00:05:36,215 That's not true. And I also worry 139 00:05:36,215 --> 00:05:38,255 that five minutes isn't enough. 140 00:05:38,655 --> 00:05:40,455 I won't be fulfilling, I won't be happy. 141 00:05:41,035 --> 00:05:43,495 But actually all those little five minutes here, 142 00:05:43,495 --> 00:05:45,535 five minutes there, add up. 143 00:05:45,765 --> 00:05:49,015 When we were long distance, we each worked in an office 144 00:05:49,275 --> 00:05:51,895 and not, we didn't work an eight to five literally, 145 00:05:51,915 --> 00:05:53,855 but we had that kind of vibe. 146 00:05:53,955 --> 00:05:54,895 Mm-Hmm. . And our 147 00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:56,295 schedules didn't quite line up. 148 00:05:56,395 --> 00:05:58,685 We had some control over our schedules and not others, 149 00:05:58,745 --> 00:06:02,965 but we would, we knew in the flow of our day, 150 00:06:02,965 --> 00:06:04,205 because of our professional life, 151 00:06:04,275 --> 00:06:06,245 when we could snatch five minutes for ourselves 152 00:06:06,305 --> 00:06:08,845 to uhhuh , send a text to, you know, 153 00:06:09,515 --> 00:06:11,085 send an email, respond to something. 154 00:06:11,465 --> 00:06:16,125 Um, with being power exchange, JB really like 155 00:06:16,125 --> 00:06:18,605 to send me like little orders and commands. 156 00:06:18,865 --> 00:06:21,365 Mm-Hmm. , they involved a lot of masturbation 157 00:06:22,265 --> 00:06:23,765 in the ladies room. , 158 00:06:24,445 --> 00:06:25,445 - . 159 00:06:25,465 --> 00:06:27,885 - And then that's like that, the exciting part is, okay, 160 00:06:27,885 --> 00:06:29,685 you're, you know, from a submissive perspective, 161 00:06:29,785 --> 00:06:32,525 you're getting told to go do something that you find sexy 162 00:06:32,665 --> 00:06:34,965 and like whatever, and you're getting that submission. 163 00:06:35,025 --> 00:06:37,205 But also you have to like, run the gauntlet 164 00:06:37,225 --> 00:06:39,525 of when can I get into the ladies room 165 00:06:39,625 --> 00:06:42,205 and nobody else will be there, or Mm-Hmm. 166 00:06:42,245 --> 00:06:46,005 , can I be quiet enough to not for nobody else 167 00:06:46,065 --> 00:06:47,365 to know what's going on. 168 00:06:47,805 --> 00:06:49,085 'cause that would not have been okay. 169 00:06:49,825 --> 00:06:53,285 Um, but that was a, you would send me 170 00:06:53,285 --> 00:06:54,965 that text when you got the time. 171 00:06:54,995 --> 00:06:57,605 Yeah. And then you understood that I would 172 00:06:58,265 --> 00:06:59,765 do whatever I was asked to respond to 173 00:06:59,765 --> 00:07:00,845 that text when I got the time. 174 00:07:00,845 --> 00:07:03,645 Mm-Hmm. . So there's also that need 175 00:07:03,865 --> 00:07:06,965 for the understanding that your five minutes 176 00:07:06,965 --> 00:07:09,485 of availability might not match up to your partners 177 00:07:09,485 --> 00:07:11,525 and some things are gonna be asynchronous. 178 00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:16,445 Um, so in terms of commands, orders, tasks, rules, 179 00:07:16,815 --> 00:07:19,485 there has to be an understanding between you 180 00:07:19,485 --> 00:07:22,885 that your partner may ask for something at nine o'clock and 181 00:07:22,885 --> 00:07:25,165 because of the nature of your life, you might not deliver 182 00:07:25,165 --> 00:07:26,445 that until five o'clock. 183 00:07:26,535 --> 00:07:29,805 - Right. You, you can't expect, you know, long distance like 184 00:07:29,805 --> 00:07:34,005 that, it's hard to expect, um, you know, an instant Mm-Hmm. 185 00:07:34,045 --> 00:07:36,965 response to those, those kind of requests. 186 00:07:37,465 --> 00:07:40,245 And you have to be flexible in that part, you know, 187 00:07:40,245 --> 00:07:44,805 because whether it's job, whether it's family at that point 188 00:07:44,805 --> 00:07:49,005 because of the, the relationship, you know, you're, 189 00:07:49,005 --> 00:07:50,365 that's something that you're gonna have 190 00:07:50,365 --> 00:07:51,445 to keep in mind. Mm-Hmm. 191 00:07:51,485 --> 00:07:53,165 - . So once you figure out 192 00:07:53,225 --> 00:07:54,405 how you're gonna communicate 193 00:07:54,405 --> 00:07:56,285 and where you can snatch your five minutes here 194 00:07:56,285 --> 00:07:59,365 or there, the other thing, um, would be to 195 00:07:59,885 --> 00:08:02,245 schedule larger blocks of time for communication. 196 00:08:02,245 --> 00:08:05,325 Mm-Hmm. it, again, it might not be as often 197 00:08:05,425 --> 00:08:07,605 as you want or as much time as you want. 198 00:08:07,945 --> 00:08:10,365 Um, but it's, you sort of need to like find 199 00:08:10,375 --> 00:08:13,645 where your schedules overlap enough for any amount of time 200 00:08:13,865 --> 00:08:15,285 and pencil those in 201 00:08:15,385 --> 00:08:16,725 and keep those, 202 00:08:16,755 --> 00:08:18,685 make those commitments like you're scheduling, 203 00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:20,485 you know, an appointment almost. 204 00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:23,245 And to the best of your ability, keep those times 205 00:08:23,345 --> 00:08:25,765 for one another because once you have those times 206 00:08:25,765 --> 00:08:26,885 where you know you're gonna interact, 207 00:08:26,885 --> 00:08:30,965 you know you're gonna talk that leaves room to, 208 00:08:31,145 --> 00:08:33,285 to get kinky and, and be fun with it. 209 00:08:33,905 --> 00:08:36,365 Mm-Hmm. , lots of sexting. 210 00:08:36,365 --> 00:08:39,645 And it depends on how your power exchange manifests. 211 00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:44,565 If there's a a, an erotic element to it, then sexting 212 00:08:44,745 --> 00:08:48,445 and flirting and, you know, just talking to one another. 213 00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:52,085 For us, it was a lot of text in sort of dom sub 214 00:08:52,875 --> 00:08:54,925 mindset was good. 215 00:08:55,205 --> 00:08:58,925 I mean, that was very helpful. Um, I'm a service sub 216 00:08:59,065 --> 00:09:01,245 and JB wants me to do shit for him. 217 00:09:01,305 --> 00:09:04,845 So even long distance , uh, he would come up 218 00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:06,365 with things that I could do for him. 219 00:09:06,475 --> 00:09:08,085 Some of them were for my own benefit. 220 00:09:08,435 --> 00:09:10,085 Some of them were sexy, kinky, 221 00:09:10,085 --> 00:09:12,245 and some of them were, Hey, I've got, 222 00:09:12,305 --> 00:09:14,165 you gave me this power and I'm gonna use it. 223 00:09:14,305 --> 00:09:15,925 And so it's gonna sound like a really random 224 00:09:15,925 --> 00:09:17,365 thing, but go do the thing. 225 00:09:17,605 --> 00:09:20,525 . Um, and that was a great way to 226 00:09:21,835 --> 00:09:26,085 live in our role a little bit, even in the middle 227 00:09:26,085 --> 00:09:27,685 of like a very busy, hectic day. 228 00:09:27,985 --> 00:09:30,525 You know, like we could be like the example 229 00:09:30,585 --> 00:09:34,205 of I get the text of go, you know, edge yourself Mm-Hmm. 230 00:09:34,245 --> 00:09:36,005 in the, the ladies' bathroom 231 00:09:36,035 --> 00:09:37,285 when you get an opportunity. 232 00:09:37,295 --> 00:09:40,085 Right. I didn't know what day that was coming. 233 00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:41,725 I didn't know when that was coming, but I would, 234 00:09:41,865 --> 00:09:44,365 he would send it and when I got the opportunity I could. 235 00:09:44,425 --> 00:09:47,285 And so we weren't doing things at the exact same time. 236 00:09:47,575 --> 00:09:50,605 Right. But he had that moment of getting to tell me 237 00:09:50,605 --> 00:09:52,605 to do something and I had that moment of getting 238 00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:54,925 to go do the thing that my dom wanted me to do. 239 00:09:55,055 --> 00:09:56,645 Right. And it doesn't, it doesn't have 240 00:09:56,645 --> 00:09:58,125 to be semi-public masturbation. 241 00:09:58,285 --> 00:10:00,485 I mean, not, not every, uh, 242 00:10:00,515 --> 00:10:02,725 work environment is gonna allow for that anyway. 243 00:10:02,945 --> 00:10:05,005 Not everybody wants to do that, but whatever it might be 244 00:10:05,475 --> 00:10:06,845 that can allow you both 245 00:10:07,105 --> 00:10:09,885 to do something within your power exchange role 246 00:10:10,595 --> 00:10:12,725 that can help you feel stay connected, 247 00:10:12,995 --> 00:10:14,965 that can make it sort of fun. 248 00:10:15,165 --> 00:10:18,965 I mean, you know, long distance relationships 249 00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:24,245 of any flavor are, you know, are difficult. 250 00:10:24,395 --> 00:10:26,245 They, you don't get to spend as much time 251 00:10:26,395 --> 00:10:28,285 with a partner necessarily as you want to. 252 00:10:28,285 --> 00:10:30,645 You don't get to see them as often as you might want to. 253 00:10:31,265 --> 00:10:33,885 Um, you have other commitments that sort of infiltrate 254 00:10:33,905 --> 00:10:35,365 and will have to take up bandwidth 255 00:10:35,755 --> 00:10:38,205 that you have those commitments when you're living together 256 00:10:38,265 --> 00:10:41,405 as well, or when you're physically closer to each other. 257 00:10:41,985 --> 00:10:45,125 But it's just harder when 258 00:10:45,125 --> 00:10:47,205 there's distance between you. 259 00:10:47,205 --> 00:10:48,205 Mm-Hmm. . Um, 260 00:10:50,505 --> 00:10:54,285 but when you can create 261 00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:57,165 touch points for one another Mm-Hmm. 262 00:10:57,205 --> 00:10:59,885 that can keep the fun and the spark 263 00:10:59,945 --> 00:11:01,245 and the excitement of it. 264 00:11:01,245 --> 00:11:03,565 Yeah. Alive. And that's the thing you want to find are 265 00:11:03,795 --> 00:11:07,805 what are the ways in small doses that work 266 00:11:07,905 --> 00:11:09,725 for our lives, our real lives. 267 00:11:09,725 --> 00:11:12,285 Mm-Hmm. not the idealized version, you know, 268 00:11:12,385 --> 00:11:13,845 we have in our head Yeah. 269 00:11:14,035 --> 00:11:18,325 That allow the distance to feel less difficult. 270 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,405 It never, I don't think it ever becomes, you know, 271 00:11:21,475 --> 00:11:23,005 easy at all unless you, 272 00:11:23,185 --> 00:11:25,165 you actively just want a long distance 273 00:11:25,165 --> 00:11:26,245 relationship and that's your vibe. 274 00:11:26,385 --> 00:11:28,965 Mm-Hmm. . Um, but you have to, you know, 275 00:11:29,195 --> 00:11:32,485 find ways where you can feel connected, even if 276 00:11:32,485 --> 00:11:35,845 that connection is not the, you know, 277 00:11:37,635 --> 00:11:39,285 there's a word I want 278 00:11:41,225 --> 00:11:43,525 the ideal scenario. 279 00:11:43,625 --> 00:11:45,325 The ideal situation. 280 00:11:45,325 --> 00:11:48,885 Like yes, ideally you want your partner there every moment 281 00:11:48,905 --> 00:11:51,045 of every day and you know, they can be your dom 282 00:11:51,045 --> 00:11:52,485 and you can be their sub or whatever, whatever. 283 00:11:52,515 --> 00:11:53,525 Yeah. But 284 00:11:53,915 --> 00:11:57,605 what you actually get in real time is 20 minutes in the 285 00:11:57,605 --> 00:11:58,925 morning, an hour in the evening, 286 00:11:59,345 --> 00:12:01,045 random text messages through the day. 287 00:12:01,065 --> 00:12:02,205 So make those count. 288 00:12:02,515 --> 00:12:03,725 - Sure. And, 289 00:12:03,865 --> 00:12:07,485 and I think one of the other things too, especially in, in, 290 00:12:07,485 --> 00:12:12,445 in this relationship, uh, understanding on both sides, they, 291 00:12:12,475 --> 00:12:13,765 they need to be understanding 292 00:12:13,765 --> 00:12:17,085 because let's be honest, um, you know, there's, 293 00:12:17,115 --> 00:12:19,485 there's two separate relationships outside 294 00:12:19,485 --> 00:12:20,485 of their relationship. 295 00:12:20,545 --> 00:12:23,605 Mm-Hmm. and shit happens. 296 00:12:23,875 --> 00:12:26,925 Life happens as we both well know. Right? Absolutely. 297 00:12:27,345 --> 00:12:31,835 So, you know, be understanding 298 00:12:31,895 --> 00:12:32,915 of the unexpected. 299 00:12:33,455 --> 00:12:37,315 - Yes. I, if you happen to be a person who's very sort 300 00:12:37,315 --> 00:12:41,875 of rigid in your thinking, very, um, you plan everything out 301 00:12:41,935 --> 00:12:44,275 and you don't tolerate changes 302 00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:45,555 and disruptions to your plans. 303 00:12:45,555 --> 00:12:47,795 Well, I'm, I'm one of those , uh, 304 00:12:47,885 --> 00:12:51,755 there is an adjustment to be, to be that you have to kind 305 00:12:51,755 --> 00:12:54,675 of go through where you don't have to like it 306 00:12:55,255 --> 00:12:57,875 and you may never even get comfortable with it, but, 307 00:12:57,975 --> 00:13:01,635 but it has to just become part of the understanding that 308 00:13:02,655 --> 00:13:03,675 shit's gonna get fucked up. 309 00:13:03,675 --> 00:13:05,795 And the plans that you had for the, you know, 310 00:13:06,725 --> 00:13:08,395 scene you were gonna do over Zoom 311 00:13:08,415 --> 00:13:09,915 or whatever, or over the phone. 312 00:13:10,135 --> 00:13:11,515 Mm-Hmm. like FaceTime, whatever. 313 00:13:11,815 --> 00:13:13,315 That's not happening tonight. 314 00:13:13,375 --> 00:13:14,875 You know, the, something came up. 315 00:13:15,135 --> 00:13:16,715 The other part of that is you have to keep the lines 316 00:13:16,715 --> 00:13:17,875 of communication open 317 00:13:17,875 --> 00:13:20,955 because in a long distance relationship, it is very easy 318 00:13:21,055 --> 00:13:24,835 to think that silence from your partner, un unexpected, 319 00:13:24,835 --> 00:13:27,595 unexplained silence is either they've ghosted you 320 00:13:27,735 --> 00:13:29,475 or they're dead on the side of the road. 321 00:13:29,525 --> 00:13:32,475 Right. Like there's, and maybe that's just my anxious brain, 322 00:13:32,495 --> 00:13:34,835 but I, I think a lot of people would relate to that. 323 00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:38,955 So if something goes wrong in with your plan, 324 00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:41,435 don't ever leave a partner hanging. 325 00:13:41,665 --> 00:13:44,155 Tell them as soon as you are physically capable. Yeah. 326 00:13:44,155 --> 00:13:47,635 Even if it's a five word text that says, you know, 327 00:13:47,745 --> 00:13:49,915 something went wrong, talk later. 328 00:13:49,985 --> 00:13:51,075 Like whatever. Mm-Hmm. 329 00:13:51,115 --> 00:13:53,315 , um, just keep each other in the 330 00:13:53,315 --> 00:13:54,515 loop of on those things. 331 00:13:54,545 --> 00:13:57,675 Yeah. Mm-Hmm. . Now I do wanna like have a 332 00:13:57,675 --> 00:13:59,515 little moment here for the very last part 333 00:13:59,515 --> 00:14:00,755 that was not a question, 334 00:14:00,755 --> 00:14:02,075 but I'm, I'm gonna like 335 00:14:03,015 --> 00:14:04,875 do some not tough love like mean Mm-Hmm. 336 00:14:04,875 --> 00:14:06,075 But I just wanna lean into it. 337 00:14:06,575 --> 00:14:08,035 Uh, they said my dom is amazing 338 00:14:08,095 --> 00:14:09,475 and I do not want to lose him. 339 00:14:09,705 --> 00:14:12,435 What I hope for you is that your dom would say, 340 00:14:12,575 --> 00:14:15,155 my sub is amazing and I do not want to lose them. 341 00:14:15,345 --> 00:14:18,755 Yeah. Because you can't keep somebody 342 00:14:18,755 --> 00:14:20,195 who doesn't want to be there. 343 00:14:20,775 --> 00:14:23,995 And long distance relationships require effort and hard work 344 00:14:24,015 --> 00:14:26,635 and some amount of sacrifice and they're just tougher. 345 00:14:26,635 --> 00:14:29,195 Yeah. And so you not wanting 346 00:14:29,195 --> 00:14:32,475 to lose your partner is admirable. 347 00:14:32,655 --> 00:14:36,915 And I think like anybody who's, you know, really cares 348 00:14:36,915 --> 00:14:38,475 for their partner, that's exactly what they think. 349 00:14:38,815 --> 00:14:41,395 But what I want for you is for them to feel the same way. 350 00:14:41,395 --> 00:14:44,755 Because if each of you have that view 351 00:14:45,015 --> 00:14:46,715 and things are relatively healthy 352 00:14:47,215 --> 00:14:49,195 and lines of communication are open Mm-Hmm. 353 00:14:49,235 --> 00:14:51,725 , if you're both working hard on the 354 00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:53,405 relationship, you have a much better 355 00:14:53,405 --> 00:14:54,565 chance of it succeeding. 356 00:14:54,565 --> 00:14:57,285 True. But if you are the only one working hard on 357 00:14:57,285 --> 00:14:59,395 it, it yeah. 358 00:14:59,615 --> 00:15:01,195 You're gonna be miserable, be, 359 00:15:01,295 --> 00:15:02,555 you know, one way or the other. 360 00:15:02,555 --> 00:15:04,235 Either you're gonna be miserable in the relationship 361 00:15:04,235 --> 00:15:06,115 because you're putting in all the effort and they are not, 362 00:15:06,375 --> 00:15:08,115 or you're gonna be miserable 'cause it ends 363 00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:09,315 and you're heartbroken. 364 00:15:09,655 --> 00:15:12,635 Mm-Hmm. . Um, so I, you know, I get it. 365 00:15:12,795 --> 00:15:15,275 I would say the same thing about jb my dom is amazing 366 00:15:15,295 --> 00:15:16,475 and I do not want to lose him, 367 00:15:16,475 --> 00:15:17,515 but I also understand 368 00:15:17,515 --> 00:15:19,075 that he would say the same thing about me. 369 00:15:19,415 --> 00:15:23,955 You know what I mean? Um, you, you don't have 370 00:15:23,955 --> 00:15:25,275 to do all of the work. 371 00:15:25,575 --> 00:15:27,995 - No, no. That is what I'm saying. No. Okay. 372 00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:31,315 Just like in any type of relationship, it takes two. 373 00:15:31,405 --> 00:15:33,035 - Right. And your dom should be putting in 374 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:34,475 just as much effort as you are. 375 00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:36,835 Right. That effort might look different, right? Mm-Hmm. 376 00:15:36,875 --> 00:15:39,755 . Um, but the expectation that each 377 00:15:39,755 --> 00:15:42,875 of you is working towards something positive in this 378 00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:46,235 relationship, you need to keep that expectation. 379 00:15:46,235 --> 00:15:48,075 Yeah. And then sort of measure 380 00:15:48,665 --> 00:15:50,915 what you're receiving against that expectation. 381 00:15:50,915 --> 00:15:52,515 Right? Mm-Hmm. like if you're the one putting 382 00:15:52,515 --> 00:15:54,315 in all the effort and you're the one scheduling all the 383 00:15:54,315 --> 00:15:55,515 times and you're the one following up 384 00:15:55,515 --> 00:15:58,155 and you are the one re constantly reaching out 385 00:15:58,175 --> 00:15:59,795 and they're not making a lot of effort, 386 00:16:00,385 --> 00:16:01,435 it's time for a conversation. 387 00:16:01,585 --> 00:16:02,875 Like, why aren't they? Is it 388 00:16:02,875 --> 00:16:04,995 because you're trying, y'all are trying to do too much 389 00:16:05,235 --> 00:16:06,315 and your schedules don't align 390 00:16:06,335 --> 00:16:08,435 and life is just not allowing for that. 391 00:16:09,495 --> 00:16:11,435 You know, that happens. Right. 392 00:16:11,455 --> 00:16:15,035 But just, I just wanna like put that in there 393 00:16:15,345 --> 00:16:17,675 because it is not uncommon in, 394 00:16:18,095 --> 00:16:20,435 in any relationship long distance or 395 00:16:20,435 --> 00:16:25,115 otherwise, that's not really like the best match 396 00:16:25,375 --> 00:16:28,035 for one person to put in all of the effort. 397 00:16:28,715 --> 00:16:30,995 Absolutely. And the other one to just sort of coast along 398 00:16:30,995 --> 00:16:32,675 because they can depend on their partner. 399 00:16:32,675 --> 00:16:33,955 Mm-Hmm. to put in all of the effort, 400 00:16:34,865 --> 00:16:37,475 what your efforts individually look like might be different. 401 00:16:37,505 --> 00:16:39,995 Like you have your own set of skills and strengths 402 00:16:39,995 --> 00:16:41,115 and they have their own Mm-Hmm. 403 00:16:41,155 --> 00:16:42,635 , but there should be 404 00:16:43,385 --> 00:16:45,275 equitable effort, correct? 405 00:16:45,875 --> 00:16:47,155 - Absolutely. Mm-Hmm. - . So I just wanna, 406 00:16:47,175 --> 00:16:48,235 wanted to give you that little, 407 00:16:48,255 --> 00:16:50,235 little not quite tough love lecture there. 408 00:16:50,675 --> 00:16:55,395 , uh, yeah. 409 00:16:55,575 --> 00:16:57,835 Mm-Hmm. , I think. I think that's it. Okay. 410 00:16:58,265 --> 00:16:59,995 Okay. Uh, just one last plug. 411 00:17:00,215 --> 00:17:01,555 If you were in an LDR 412 00:17:01,555 --> 00:17:03,075 and you're like, what, what, what, what do I do? 413 00:17:03,245 --> 00:17:05,555 We'll have links below to where we've talked about it. 414 00:17:06,075 --> 00:17:08,075 I say below in the places to 415 00:17:08,075 --> 00:17:09,955 where we've talked about it plus our long 416 00:17:10,235 --> 00:17:11,315 distance DSS workbook. 417 00:17:11,415 --> 00:17:12,555 I'm just saying it's available on 418 00:17:12,555 --> 00:17:13,675 Etsy. Mm-Hmm. Digital download 419 00:17:13,805 --> 00:17:14,955 - Comes in handy. Yeah. 420 00:17:15,065 --> 00:17:17,795 - Okay. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. 421 00:17:17,895 --> 00:17:19,595 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 422 00:17:19,865 --> 00:17:22,955 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, 423 00:17:23,135 --> 00:17:24,755 or you can find the link in the show notes. 424 00:17:25,175 --> 00:17:27,675 Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon, 425 00:17:27,805 --> 00:17:30,035 we're able to do this podcast and keep it going 426 00:17:30,055 --> 00:17:31,915 and help Sters due to your support. 427 00:17:32,335 --> 00:17:33,875 If you'd like to be part of our community 428 00:17:33,875 --> 00:17:35,155 and get access to extra content 429 00:17:35,215 --> 00:17:37,275 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 430 00:17:37,275 --> 00:17:39,115 super nice kink sters, you can do that. 431 00:17:39,265 --> 00:17:41,835 Just join us at patreon.com/klos. 432 00:17:41,835 --> 00:17:45,875 That's patreon.com/klos or use the link in the show notes.