- You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast,
episode 3 81.
Killer. The Lord's here with the one, the only,
the you keep opening your eyes world wide, trying
to convince me you're awake.
But I know you're super tired. John Brownstone.
- . I don't know what you're talking about,
- .
All because I might've like
said, see, we're time traveling here.
We don't record the anything
that we do in the order in which it is released.
And I might've said before another recording that isn't out
yet, uh, that you look really super tired, .
And now, every time I turn my head to look at you,
you do your best to convince me that you're not.
But your eyes being that wide isn't natural.
So, , , look, that's, uh,
that's not what we're here to talk about.
- May maybe the coffee will kick in. I hope so. But,
- Or we'll get you another coffee.
Yeah. Maybe it's time for espresso. I don't know. Yeah.
To have you clinging into the walls by the end
of the day, but at least you'll be awake.
. . Anyway,
, we're back.
JB is clearly feeling better.
The exhaustion is not because he's still sick. Y'all.
I did not drag a sick person in front of a microphone.
I'm not that much of a bitch. Okay. .
I'm kinder than that. Or I try to be.
Anyway, um, Joey's back. He's feeling better.
And then now, so we're gonna take on
what might be a heavy topic for us.
We don't know. We'll find out. Yep.
Uh, we're gonna talk about how we've been showing up in our
DS relationship, especially when we're like super stressed
and how that differs from how we would like
to be showing up in our DSS relationship.
. Yeah. So this, this could be interesting. Mm-Hmm.
, welcome to the Loving BD SMM podcast.
This is your first time listening. Glad to have you.
And yes, it's like this every week.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced every Monday
and Friday for your kinky pleasure in education.
And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add the podcast
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You can also follow the show on FetLife at Loving BDSM pc.
The PC stands for podcast on Instagram
and threads at that handle.
I will forever fucking hate loving DSS in the number one.
So that's at Loving DSS one,
or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving
bdsm, where you can watch us live.
Stream the podcast every Wednesday.
I'll links her in the show notes. Okay. And away
- We go.
- Before we get into the topic, the nature
of having missed last week is we have
11 million announcements.
'cause we have a lot of stuff going on.
And I want to go through the 11 million Okay.
Um, announcements.
And this is when you're gonna walk away, isn't it? Isn't it?
- No, I'm gonna take a - Nap. Oh, okay. Yeah, go ahead.
. Uh, we've already, uh,
established I cannot be concise like .
It's not, it's not who I'm, um, just a reminder,
'cause we did talk about this a couple weeks ago.
All of our digital products on our Etsy shop, uh,
are 25% off through the month of January.
So planner sheets, habit trackers, we even have, um,
like we call them accountability trackers for doms.
So a dominant who wants something visual
to help them keep up with what their submissive is doing.
We have those, we have our workbooks, uh,
and those are on sale
and available throughout Etsy shop at Link in the places.
The other thing that is new, um, we did kind of a sort
of Valentine's Day sale.
And when I say Valentine's Day,
I don't mean you have to be in love.
I mean, take advantage of the fact
that there are sales at this time.
You're by yourself a damn gift. .
Anyway, , all
of our non-digital stuff at our Etsy shop is now 20% off
through February 4th.
And we stopped at February 4th for the whole shipping thing.
So that if you order something, you have,
as assuming you're in the us, you have time for it
to hopefully get to as long as another snow storm,
Arctic winter thing does not take over most of the country,
uh, that has delayed stuff.
- , a arctic vortex, I,
- Whatever they call it, whatever.
All I know is that Florida was once again, the armpit
of the country as it usually is, and was the warmest,
but warmest was subjective.
Uh, we are at the 80 degree.
- I saw, I saw, I saw some people joking,
showing a weather map that, uh,
Florida had all four seasons all at once. Yes.
- Well, I mean, we're gonna get the seasons.
It's usually all at once. It's in the same day. Um, so yeah.
Uh, our Etsy shop, basically, everything's on sale
when those sales end.
Depends on what you're looking at, but we're on sale.
Uh, the other thing is Kry is doing a Valentine's Day sale.
Uh, this is the first one we've done in two or three years.
Mm-Hmm. , like, we don't usually do a sale in
this part of the year, but we did this time 10% off.
If you use the coupon code, kinky Love 24,
do not worry about trying to re remember that one.
It's all, all in the places.
Two, when you go to the site,
I literally put a banner up at the top of the screen
that tells you what the coupon code is.
Try to make it easy for folks.
Um, but we're still in the middle of restock.
So if there's anything that's sold out,
just put your name on the wait list for it.
Yeah, we, uh, introduced a new paddle on Saturday as of time
of recording previous Saturday.
And by the following Monday it was, it was all sold out,
but they're supposed to be coming back, so.
Yep. Um, and then final announcement. I'm already tired.
If you're tired, don't worry. Woo. You're not alone.
Patreon membership Drive is going on.
It is going on through February 15th.
Um, we give,
we offer perks throughout the year for being a member.
We try to give as much, if not more than we receive.
Um, so you can join at, at any level.
$2 is the minimum per month,
and you'll get an extra video each month.
It's a fun one. We just recorded the January one.
Um, you'll get a live q and a.
We do that the first Saturday of the month. Mm-Hmm.
. Uh, we do a behind the scenes podcast
where we talk about what's been going
on in our professional Mm-Hmm.
and personal lives. Um,
- Oh yeah.
We have to do that too. Yeah.
- Oh yeah. That was on my list. I was .
I was gonna bug you about that soon. .
And then we have our Discord server
where we always say we have a bunch of super cool,
super nice sters there.
Um, if you join at higher tiers, other than that $2 minimum,
you get extra stuff like the $5
and up tiers, uh, get to play, do game night with us,
which is actually this Friday day
that this episode comes out on the podcast.
Um, and if you do $10, $10 tier, um,
you get access to all of our digital
stuff that's on our Etsy shop.
You can get that for free. You don't have to pay for it.
Um, and I'm putting out new things every month this year.
That's my goal. Very excited.
Um, and then why the membership drive? Why now?
Why does it matter? If you join as an annual member,
that means you pay up front
and then you get access for the year.
If you join by February 15th, you get two months for free.
So you pay for 10 months of access,
you get 12 months of access.
The other thing is, if you are a paying member
by February 15th, we're gonna send you goodies in the mail.
Um, late March, early April, probably this year, um,
for two and $5 tiers.
It'll be a sticker sheet of loving BDSM
and other kinky stickers.
Um, and then for the $10 and up folks, it will be, go ahead.
Fuck with me when I say it. an enamel Pen. Pen.
It's pen. It's a pen. It's a pen. Y'all know what I mean?
I say the word enamel so y'all know what I mean.
I get shit every fucking year for this. Every year.
Anyway, that's gonna be in a design that used
to be a sticker on the Kry is now a sticker on
loving BDS and Etsy.
It's this pink, uh, balloon animal that's, uh,
got rope bondage on it, ,
and it's wearing black cuffs
and it's wearing a black, uh, uh, blindfold.
And I'm gonna make a pin out of that.
I don't know if it'll get
to be a soft enamel like it usually
is 'cause of all the detailing.
I don't know if they'll be able to do that or
if I'll have to do a different style.
But yes, that's gonna be the pin this year. Pin, pin.
I can't say it any other way.
Anyway, that was a lot of fucking announcements.
Or is anybody else tired and bored yet?
Uh, for anybody who's like, I will
never remember all of this shit.
You're right. It's okay.
Links are in the places for everything, y'all.
I try to make the links very,
um, easy to find.
So, um, let's get into this topic.
Um, lots of caveats
and stuff at the beginning.
So first of all, we are the,
what brought this up is the stress
that we're experiencing in our lives right now.
Um, we have talked about, you know, dealing
with your power exchange while you're handling stress, how
that can affect it, mindset shifts, all kinds of stuff.
We've got all kinds of, of, um, episodes like
that in the archive for podcast listeners.
It'll be in the show notes for YouTube folks.
Uh, I forgot to put those links. Inri box.
I'll get them there. Don't worry.
Um, for anybody who wants to go hear that stuff.
And, um, we've also talked many times over the years about
like when vanilla life gets in the way Mm-Hmm.
You know, and how you sort of navigate that.
We've had those conversations.
We will have those conversations again in the future.
This, uh, episode is brought to you by a moment
that could have turned into an argument,
but didn't
because we decided
to be reasonable rational human beings for once.
And so it was not an argument, but it was a discussion.
- Plus, I wasn't exactly feeling very well, wasn't
- I I know it was right, right before you got super sick.
Like it wasn't while he was sick,
but it was right ahead of that .
The other thing, this particular topic,
when we're gonna talk about it, a a lot
of the things we talk about are personal to us.
Um, in this case, this is our perspective.
A couple things to note. One,
it's okay if you would not react the way we react
or have the same thoughts that we have.
The, uh, purpose of this is not to tell you
how you are supposed to respond or think about these things,
or to indicate in any way that, that the way we are doing it
or handling it as somehow superior Mm-Hmm.
It is to get you to think about
how you would handle it if you are currently in,
or imagine that you could possibly one day be in
a similar situation.
And to, if you can have those conversations now, whether
that's with yourself or with a partner, to just sort
of be aware that what we're going
through is in no way unique ,
to any flavor of relationship.
But the, the way we are thinking about it is personal to us.
Um, I don't know if this will be a long one.
I don't know if this will be a deep one.
I don't know if there's a lot to say or not a lot to say.
We'll find out. But as I've,
I've said many times already in this one episode,
I'm not known for being concise.
Um, so , all of that.
- That being said, - All of that being said, um,
let's talk about where, where this came from.
So this topic idea came from a conversation we had
where JB had started.
I think it was not this past time that you got sick,
but you had like a little cold a
couple weeks before you like
- No, it was this past time. Was it this time? Oh,
- Yes.
I don't know about time and how all that works anyway. Yeah.
No, you don't. You weren't sick,
sick where you weren't working.
You were just taking some cold medicine or whatever. Right.
And I, I always feel like I have
to like ride j b's ass when he's sick
because he'll forget to take his medicine
or he'll try to work too hard or whatever.
And he wasn't at the point
where he was like living in his bathrobe on the couch.
He was still trying to function through the day.
And he's telling me he had taken his medicine.
And I'm trying to be the service submissive who's like, Hey,
you, you know, make sure you set an alarm.
So, because don't make me set the alarm.
'cause then I'm running across
kingdom come to come, let you know.
But if you set the alarm, then you'll go, okay, it's time
for me to take my medicine.
Mm-Hmm. . So what I, I don't know if I wanted
to say it gently
and I just didn't, I don't know if I just,
it never even occurred to me to be super, like,
submissive and polite about it.
It came out, it,
the snark was strong.
Yes. Very strong.
There was nothing submissive in the way I said it, .
Although my intention was
to do the whole take care of my daddy thing.
- Was that one of those things that it sounded one way
here? No. And another when it
- No, it's, it sounded like I meant for it to sound okay.
It's just that I didn't think about trying
to sound submissive.
Mm-Hmm. . Like that wasn't, that was,
I was trying to do a thing that for me relates to my service
and to take care of you and to try
and keep you well and on track.
But there was the disconnect between the wanting
to do the thing with the expressing of the thing .
So I don't even remember exactly what I said
or how I, I know how I said it.
I said it like, y'all can imagine
how y'all have heard me speak before.
And JB says, you know,
or you could just say, Hey daddy, you know,
it might be a good idea if you say your alarm .
So that remember I said, oh,
you want a softer version of me.
, I mean, fair.
However, and this was a high stress day.
I mean, they've, lately they've
all been kind of high stressed.
Yeah. Are we at the level of getting hit
by a literal fucking car
and being like, you know, flung across the highway?
No. Are we at the level of stress of illness
and death of a loved one?
No. No. But we are at a stressful point,
a different kind of stress.
And it's just, it's been riding high.
And I, in that moment,
I got really introspective in a way I don't think you
expected, because I said, you are asking me
to be a type of submissive that I desperately want
to be and I cannot be.
And I , I said, it's
- Not in the DNA is it?
- It's in, it's the desire. Is there ?
This is where this conversation comes from.
'cause I said, I want to be softer. I want to be gentler.
I want to be, meek is not the right word,
but sort of demure and, and,
and just the a person who suggests
and doesn't tell, especially to the person who's her big D.
Right? Like, there's this sort of way that I would like to
show up and be a submissive
and express myself when it's a submissive thing.
Not of the baby girl stuff.
Not when we're joking around, but like, I'm trying
to actively help my dom do a thing,
have a better outcome service in some way.
Right. I said I wanna be softer,
but I cannot right now.
I don't have it in me.
I don't know how to be that person right now.
Because to be that softer submissive,
and the soft is the only way I know how to describe it,
somebody else might describe it differently, means that I,
it, for me, it kind of means I have the luxury of like,
turning off my brain.
I just have to respond. I just have to do the things.
I don't have to be thinking about 10 other things
and juggling 11 other responsibilities
and navigating 85 other people's experience of a thing.
. I get to just exist in the moment. Mm-Hmm.
. And allow myself to be led.
And I said, we're not there right now. . .
Which then I kind of wandered off both mentally
and physically and was thinking about, I got kind of sad
'cause I was like, I I do wanna be that person.
Mm-Hmm. most of the time. I mean, the snark
and sass are fun for us.
Yeah. And if that shut off completely,
you would probably try and get me into a doctor.
'cause what is wrong? Why is, why is
- She not? What's going on with you?
- Why are you not doing what you do?
But this was a time where I, there was, you know how I joke,
I'll like kind of say something sort of strong at you
and then go, she said submissively.
Mm-Hmm. . It was one of those times.
So yeah, that's the whole how we're showing up versus
how we wanna be showing up.
- . Mm-Hmm.
- The other thing, when we were having that conversation,
I said, you can't even handle me being
soft like that right now.
And just waiting to be led
and even giving you gentle nudges so that I said, you don't,
you are not currently, I don't know if he's there today.
This is what the conversation's about at that moment,
your dominance was not there to just take the lead.
- It - Wasn't take me by the hand
and you know, I'll follow along
behind you like a little duckling or whatever.
Like . And I don't know
that this is the part where you come in.
I don't know if that's the type of dominance you wish you
could have right now and are missing it.
Or if that's just we're in a different era of life or what
- I, I think part of it, especially that,
'cause I, I was on coming to the point
that I was not feeling well.
Mm-Hmm. . All right.
And, uh, I, I believe I could say my thing was
I don't have the bandwidth for the snark.
- Oh yeah. In that moment. You definitely didn't.
'cause normally you wouldn't even comment on the snark.
Right. If you had bandwidth for the snark. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It just rolls off your back. Mm-Hmm.
it annoys the shit
out of people on the internet.
. But you're fine with it and
you're the only one that matters.
So that works. That works.
- Because I give as good as I get.
- Yes. Until I'm nearly in tears. Right.
I'm like, no, daddy, be nice to me. .
Oh, I can dish it. I cannot take it. It's, it's fine.
- That's true. That's true. So, you know. Yeah.
No, normally I'm, I'm good with the snark. Mm-Hmm.
, you know,
and there, if you push that line,
you know, I'm baby girl going a bit too far there.
Sure. You know,
and, uh, at, at this, at, at that point, it, yeah,
it caught me a little off surprise.
Off guard. Guard. Mm-Hmm. . But, uh, and
- That, you know, what we had been,
I had probably been talking to you that way for,
I don't even know how long, certainly like
longer than a couple days.
Like Mm-Hmm. , I don't know the past three
years for all I know
- - To the point that it's just how I speak.
Yeah. Unless I'm in a very, like, am
intentionally like thinking about, oh,
this is a power exchange kind of moment.
And let's, you know, moderate your tone
and let's be mindful of those things.
'cause it's, what it comes back to is if I want to
behave in a very specific way, positive or negative,
but the way I want to be seen, it has
to be a very intentional thing.
I have to be thinking about it.
And when there's a hundred million things to think about,
you're gonna get my sort of what rolls off
of me naturally when I'm comfortable
and not necessarily the side of me that is in like,
service sub mode.
And I guess what I'm asking for that with two
is if you can relate to wanting, like, I would like
to be a softer kind of sub,
but life is just not letting me in my mind, do you want
to be a different kind of dom than
you have been showing up for?
And life is just not letting you,
but also, do you wish
that I was a softer kind of sub more often?
Or is it just in those moments
when you're like, I cannot handle
- The sass right now, , .
Um, there is sometimes it would be nice to see a side of
that side.
Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
Um, I mean, for me lately,
do I feel like, like the dom I I wanna be
or know I could be No.
Okay. With, uh, everything that's been
coming our way lately, you know, it's,
it's, it's been difficult.
It, because seems like all
I've been doing is putting out fires.
- Yeah. And I don't even know that we're doing that.
I feel like we're waving a blanket at a fire. ,
- We're just making smoke signals,
- Smoke signal.
Nobody's responding to our smoke
- Signal.
Yeah. So, you know. Yeah.
I, you know, it, we're just smothering the fire
and just making smoke, so
to speak without even really putting it out.
Mm-Hmm. But, um, yeah, I mean, that, that's how it feels.
Because, you know, we're not
ignoring the stuff we can't
- Mm-Hmm.
We can't ignore. We
have to deal with the shit that's in front
- Of us.
We, we, we have to deal with the shit. Mm-Hmm.
. But it's, it's kinda like, there's a number
of different shits.
- Yeah.
- And focus on one.
And, and you know, we're run, run, running, trying to get
that as squared off as we can and then onto the next one.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, it's not even like being
able to manage a couple of these things at a time.
Mm-Hmm. It's, it's kind of gotta take it one at a time
- Yeah.
In the moment that you can focus on the thing. Mm-Hmm.
And sometimes what am I focusing on is the thing I have to,
because there's a deadline,
there's a person on the other end
of an email, there's a, yeah.
There's a requirement that must be fulfilled.
So that's what gets my Right. Attention and energy.
Attention. And you know, I know for me,
and we've talked about this in all those
other past episodes, Mm-Hmm.
, when we talk about stress or vanilla life
or mindset or whatever, um, my,
I can default back to acts of service doing the things,
what's in my routine, what is, what is the exp expectation
that we set years ago.
And it's just a thing I do
because I can do that on autopilot.
It just, you know, it's part of the routine.
I know that I have to do it,
and I can just, as long
as nothing interrupts my routine, I I can, I got it.
Mm-Hmm. . It's, it's what I do.
Where I find tends to be the, the biggest challenges
during times like this is when I cannot
focus on power exchange.
I cannot focus on, I am a submissive and I feel this way
and I wanna feel this way, and I want you to feel this way.
And, you know, I cannot be mindful in the power exchange.
And so what that tends
to mean is when you throw something new at me
that you'd like me to do, you have learned,
we've talked about this before,
to like tread carefully and lightly.
Right. It, we, there are times in life
where you cannot just throw out an errand,
Hey, go do the thing or whatever.
- No, no, no. You know, need
to give you time to prepare for it.
- Right. And then, like,
like I was saying a few minutes ago, I have,
when I am comfortable with somebody,
like a hundred percent comfort, a hundred percent trust,
know that I'm a hundred percent safe.
I have a natural way of being that will never come across
to anybody submissive.
Um, I have, I have thoughts.
Look, misos have thoughts and opinions.
, that's, it is, it's a fucking
joke to think that we don't.
But there is this sort of, depending on your dynamic,
this thinking of there's a time and a place for it.
There's certainly a method for how you express it.
Um, there are certainly rules around tone and attitude.
Right. And, you know, the only rule we have
is for me to be respectful.
And, and you abide by that rule for your yourself. Mm-Hmm.
. But there's a point of
where it's not quite disrespectful,
but it's not quite
being the best at submissive.
You can be ,
and I, I don't tread on that line lightly.
I jump rope with that line. Mm-Hmm.
, um, .
I tap dance down that line, um, cartwheels even.
Um, but when I'm just trying to get,
and I tend to be, the more there is going on, the faster
I'm moving and thinking and doing.
And so everything is rushed.
And I don't take the time to be intentional about anything.
It just thought enters brain and rolls off tongue.
And I've gotten better 'cause we've been in a power exchange
long enough now that I have like a little bit of a filter
that's like, oh, oh, nope, nope.
Maybe don't say it like that.
like, I've trained myself out of some ways. Mm-Hmm.
. But if we're just trying to get through life
and we are not being actively mindful of,
we are in our power exchange
and let us approach one another as Dom sub in this, this way
where we're like looking into one another's eyes
and talking very carefully about our power exchange
and like, we're not swimming in it.
Right. I you're not gonna get that for me.
But the thing Mm-Hmm.
that I'm a roundabout way trying to get to
'cause this train derailed a couple times in the middle of
that paragraph, um, is I want to have
the opportunity to be the kind
of submissive that, you know, I think that you deserve that.
I think that you Mm-Hmm.
would like me to be
that I used to be able to do.
Now I've always had lots of thoughts and opinions
and the ability to express them in some way,
even if it's just my facial expression
being real loud .
Um, and I, I know you don't wanna take
that away or cut that off.
That's I think part of the appeal. I hope. I hope so.
. Yeah. It's a little late now, .
But I don't know, in these times when we're
juggling our spinning plates, .
Yeah. Um, I don't, I don't, I forget or I don't know how,
or it's just, I don't feel like there's time
to stop and be mindful.
Everything is go, go, go.
And my head is, you know,
there's about eight paths in my brain
and I'm working all of 'em
because they all it,
I know we say if everything's a
priority, nothing is a priority.
And in a way I get that.
However, child healthcare is one lane.
Paying the mortgage is another. Mm-Hmm.
, uh, dealing with like,
there are certain things that actually they are
all a priority .
Yeah. And you have to do them all at the same time. Mm-Hmm.
. So that doesn't leave the, the lane
for be your best of self.
Be the of you want to be Mm-Hmm.
not just the one who's
going through the motions.
Because I can do that with less effort
and thought it's muscle memory at this point.
Yeah. Does that make any
- Sense?
It, it does. And I think that's like the same reason, um,
you know, when, when you let that, um,
snarkiness come out over me taking
the cold medicine, you know, I,
I had to, I looked at it this way.
One, I was not feeling good. Sure.
Two, we know, we both know when I'm not feeling good,
I always don't do what I
necessarily should do for myself. That's
- Why we have the tough love clause to begin with. Yeah.
- So, you know, that that gives a little, um Sure.
It gave you a little attitude. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- In that, and I, you know, the way I said it,
I was not purposely being disrespectful either.
No. We were not in an argument. No.
I was just like, I just, it was not,
I she did not say it.
Submissively is how that went
is how that went. Mm-Hmm.
- . Mm-Hmm. - .
But that's the thing.
So that's, that's me.
And I think, I think in,
in the submissive chem probably relate
that even if it's the particulars don't match up.
If you've got a lot going on
and you can't, how many times can I say mindful
and intentional in this one episode?
Mm-Hmm. don't turn it into a drinking game.
But if you can't be mindful and like in the moment Yeah.
And have the, there are words, what are words?
The, I can't think of the words,
but to just kind of go, wait, this is
who I want to show up as.
This is who I want to be. Mm-Hmm. .
And so therefore I will do that to the best of my ability.
You know, when, when I can be that person a scene
or you've come to me like as the big D
and it's been very clear that that's your mindset.
And so then that helps guide my mindset. Yes. Mm-Hmm.
Absolutely. Like place could be
burned to the fucking ground.
But if you bring your dom energy, I usually respond
with my submissive energy.
Yes. I'm like, okay, we're in this together.
Um, you know, I think there could be an argument to be made
for somebody to go, okay, well
what you need is more of that dom energy.
And I would not disagree with that.
But also I am an autonomous human being who wants
to be a certain way in my relationship and in the world.
And so therefore I do have some level of responsibility
to do my best to try to get into
that head space when I'm capable of it.
Mm-Hmm. . But when we had that conversation,
I was like, and I said it to you and granted you were sick.
So it definitely applied then.
But I think it applies outside of it.
You have not been able, like I can't be the soft submissive.
I would like to be at least some of the time.
It would be no fun if I was always that way.
Um, but you have not been able to bring
certain kinds of dumb energy out of yourself.
Correct. That either I respond to
or that you, you get compliance one way or the other.
Mm-Hmm. , which I find sexy. It's fine.
. And so this is a, this isn't just a,
I'm out here on my island all alone,
not being my best mess of self.
'cause life is crazy. This is a, we feed off of one another.
This is a power exchange is an energy exchange.
And so I'm not bringing the, you know,
sweet little sub, uh, side.
And you're not bringing the in control
focus on me baby girl dom energy.
Correct. That is not a criticism. Okay. .
I'm not criticizing.
'cause if I'm not bringing it, you're not bringing it.
We know why. Mm-Hmm. , you and I know
what our life has been like recently.
Right. We know why we're not, for me,
it's not about pointing fingers going, well why aren't you
and why aren't I, it's sort of the mm-Hmm.
the acknowledgement of it
and the, you know, is it a,
is it that this is a moment in time that we just have
to like, ride the waves of the insanity Mm-Hmm.
get through it. Hope
that life does not send us a Mack truck.
Yeah. And then, okay, we'll, we'll kind of find our way
back to whatever it is we wanna do.
Or is it more of a Okay.
Life is, I mean, if the past four
or five years have proven anything, life is going
to keep throwing shit our way
because that is what life does.
Um, this is a very long ebb. I could use a flow. Thanks.
Um, and so it's not about like, if we wait
for the opportunity, we are gonna,
I feel like we're gonna forget more and more
- Of who have to have to make the opportunity.
- Right. Right. Right, right, right. And
- Then, and and yet at the same time,
because of the plates we have been juggling
- Yeah. The spinning plates
- That we're juggling, um, the spinning plates
that we're juggling right now.
Um, you know,
how do I, how do I say it?
You know, when you, when you give your snark like that
in a sense, I can't hold you accountable
because I'm not giving as good as I.
- And sometimes the snark of the back
and forth s the mutual consensual snark is fun's.
It's pallet cleansing's.
It's like we're we love one another deeply.
I follow where you lead, however the push
and pull the let's tow right up to the line of, uh, wait.
That, that might be kind of rude in another context.
Or, you know, it almost, you know, we will, I've seen this
with, this is outside of a power exchange context.
'cause it's just how we relate to one another.
I've been around like family, my mother specifically
who does not like, I know where I get it from.
She doesn't like what she perceives to be confrontation
and JB and I'll be snaring it back and forth.
We'll be like giving tit for tat
and she'll go, whoa, whoa, whoa.
And I'm like, no, no, no. We're having fun. Right.
We're not, this is not an argument.
I promise you, you'll know when it's an argument ,
we will not have it in front of you,
but you'll know we're pissed at one another
because we can't even make eye contact at that point.
, we are both walking around
with a resting bitch face.
Mm-Hmm. . And we look past each other over one
another or anywhere butt at each other when we're angry.
But when we get snarky together,
it's, it's fun.
Sometimes it's when it's mutual. Yeah.
When we're both enjoying it
and nobody's feelings are getting hurt.
Right. And nobody's, you know,
you're not feeling like you're,
you're do selves being like disrespected
or I don't feel like I'm being teased to a point Mm-Hmm.
I can't handle or whatever.
Like, that's a part of that is how we relate to one another
in power exchange too.
That is true. Like we, yeah.
I, I don't wanna say adversarial because it's not,
but I, I could see where there's a hint of it.
Like we're gonna say stuff not that's mean to one another.
Mm-Hmm. . But we're gonna push each other's
buttons just enough Yeah.
To where we don't hurt the other,
but the other's like, well I'm pushing back motherfucker
- .
And I, and I think, and I think that's what it is.
It, it's, it's a little bit of a back and forth Mm-Hmm.
between us. And,
and that's something that, you know,
we both enjoy. Mm-Hmm.
- . But not always, not all the time. Right.
And it is possible to go step over the line. For sure. Yeah.
- And, and you know, I've, I've, I've often kind of said,
and I don't mind saying it, I know you don't like the word,
but, you know, I
feel like I could almost be called a bratty daddy.
- Oh yeah. You def okay.
You definitely, you I would classify as a bratt in
- A heartbeat.
I mean, I even went on fe to look
to see if they had that classification.
Mm-Hmm. . They didn't, the closest thing they
had that comes close to it, which kind of works
for me anyway, is, you know, instead of a smart ass,
a Sam a smart ass masochist.
Mm-Hmm. smart ass sadist.
- Yeah. And you're that too. Yeah.
You're definitely that too. And it's
funny 'cause it's all subtle.
'cause sometimes you're very just bratty without
the sadistic side.
Mm-Hmm. you're like contrary
because you can be contrary.
You tease to the point of I'm almost in tears
and you wanna keep going.
And it's only when I'm like actually upset.
You're like, okay, my bad, I'll back off. Right.
Like, you'll you'll push my buttons to see
how far you can push me.
Mm-Hmm. in a safe way
where I don't feel like boundaries are crossed or anything.
Um, but then your sadistic side,
the smart ass sadistic side of you,
- , - I don't know how anybody else would define it.
I don't know if this fits your personal definition,
but outside looking in, in my experience of your sadism Mm.
Okay. Is that your smart ass sadist self
knows that I can be pushed
and that I can want to be a soft, gentle,
willing submissive.
But under the right circumstances, ,
the SAS will come out.
And I sometimes feel like you use that smart ass way
of yourself to pull SAS out.
So then you get to go, ah,
look at you being air quote disrespectful ,
let me give you a reminder about why
you should not be that way.
- .
- And it's like, but, but you did this.
I was just over here existing trying to be sweet.
I mean I'm, it's not my natural
state, but, you know, whatever.
Uh, and you did this.
And so then I think there is a bratty side Yes. To that.
I think that Mm-Hmm. there's absolute overlap.
There's a Venn diagram. There's times
when you're just a bratty daddy.
Right. There's times when you're just a smart ass sadist.
And then there's times when there's the overlap.
I mean, I think, and you know,
if you I enjoy it.
We, we enjoy it. It works for
- Us. Yes, it does.
- It does. Um, does that,
because you sort of are identifying with those kinds
of terms, does that mean that's
how you're seeing your dominance
or how you want to sort of exist in your dominance?
Or is it just in addition to other ways of being?
- I think just because of the nature of who I am
and how I am, I, I am beginning to think that
that is an integral part of who I am.
Yeah. At this point.
- Does that mean that you no longer
identify with or feel the same way about,
you've never really been strict, strict Mm-Hmm.
. But you have this sort of sternness to you
where you can be the daddy who is not the sweet daddy,
who will like, bring me a diet coke.
You can be the daddy who's like,
you done fucked up baby girl.
Right. , that's the daddy
that puts you in the fucking corner
or makes you write lines.
That is not my favorite daddy.
But it is just, you know, it is part of it, um,
that, that side of you do you feel like it's not,
it's not who you are right now and
or anymore that you
just don't have the bandwidth to be that person?
Like, do you miss that side of yourself at all?
- I do miss that side right now. I'm missing it.
Right now's Yeah. I know you're not .
I know you're not. I can tell you're not .
- See the softer, gentler side
of me doesn't need that part of you.
- But just remember what comes around.
I know goes around what goes
- Around comes around. I, yeah.
- Yeah. So, um,
but, um, you know, no, I think that
that's still definitely a part of who I am as well.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, I think just
because of circumstances,
it's easier to default
to this part. Mm-Hmm.
- Do you think it's because it's I agree.
Easier. Do you think it's because there is,
I there's there's a, I don't know if joy is the right word,
but we enjoy it.
Mm-Hmm. most of the time.
And it's its own sort of stress relief. It is.
Because we can't go back and forth to
until the point we are laughing our fucking asses
- Off.
Right. And I think that's a big, big thing of it.
It it has become a pressure relief. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah. - You know, like you got the, uh,
pressure pot on the stove, you know,
and it, it builds up so much
and then it's got aji least thing to release.
See why I'm afraid of the instant pot
- On the stove .
I don't, yeah.
I don't want anything to explode at me. Is, you know,
- And, and I think that's just
and I, I think that's just become the default for both
of us at this point.
- You know, it's, I I'm trying to be the kind
of mature adult Mm-Hmm.
who understands that the thing you're going
through now is not necessarily the
thing you will go through forever.
Because, you know, Time,
you know, creates shifts
and everything changes to some degree.
Mm-Hmm. . There's some things that are
permanent of course, but like, you know,
a thing can be permanent,
but how you see it, how you behave around it, like
how you, you know, whatever.
Mm-Hmm. .
And so I try not, I try to un always understand
that whatever we're going through in a moment,
we will not always be going through it.
Correct. Uh, things will shift and change again.
But , we've all also now been going
through our own personal shit for long enough with
what doesn't feel like any relief from it.
Like we get through the thing and then a new thing. Right.
And like, there's not, like I'm, I'm ready to have a,
a little bit of life where we're bored.
Like I don't even know what I do with boredom.
Um, but I, I'd like
to experience it and find
out for myself. Mm-Hmm. .
- Um, I, I I don't remember what
that's like anymore. . No. And
- I don't mean like bored 'cause there's nothing to do.
I'm thinking I think more of the board
because there's nothing to fret
- Over . Yeah, exactly. Stress
- Over and go like conquer something
so that you can keep surviving.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, but with all that being said,
even though I understand that things don't last forever
and the thing you're going through right now is not the
thing you'll always be going through.
We've got, we've been going
through enough stuff over the years without a break
that there is a part of me that goes,
is this just who we are now?
Will we, you know, will this be the way
that we cope through these things so long that by the time
whatever the new version
of calming down eventually looks like?
Mm-Hmm. . We won't even know how
to be the old way.
- The old way. Um,
no, I don't think that will happen now.
Partially because I think a portion
of it is like muscle memory.
Mm mm-Hmm. . Okay.
You know, kinda like the old, old adage of, you know,
once you learn how to ride a bicycle,
you always sure can ride a bicycle.
And I think there, there is a good portion of that
to be said in this.
Um, will it be exactly the same as it was before?
Probably not. No. Okay.
Um, you know, just like anything else that, that goes like
that it will return
in some new fashion.
- Sure. Sure, sure. And, you know,
hopefully we're mindful enough at the time
that we can enjoy Mm-Hmm.
the discovery process of that. Right.
Um, you know, there, excuse me.
I think what's helping me a little bit is I can acknowledge
that things, you know, I can't be the type
of submissive I want to be or that I have been in the past.
Um, Mm-Hmm. not without like, being led there
and it being a, we've planned for this moment,
this is our time for this.
Like, I can't default into the softer,
gentler side of myself.
Um, like I think that sometimes I want to be,
but also while I miss it, and I wish I could, I think,
because in my mind, being able to do that
is an indication that I don't need the snark.
I don't need to be so serious.
I don't need to be so
focused on everything else that I literally have the luxury
to go, okay, I can, I can let that stuff go.
Mm-Hmm. , I can let you just take over.
And I am no thoughts. All vibes.
You know, and it's, it's gonna be fine.
And so I I'm very rambling today
'cause the train in my brain keeps derailing.
I apologize. Um, I'm okay
because I only miss it occasionally.
Mm-Hmm. . I don't feel like our,
our power exchange life is unfulfilled
because I can't have these parts of myself as easily
as I maybe could, you know, a decade ago.
It's mother, um, it's usually, you know,
when we had the initial conversation
that brought about this topic, it did make me sad
because I, in that moment I could clearly understand
that there are too many things going on right now.
Not in our kink life necessarily,
like in every other facet of life.
Where to be soft feels like a luxury. Mm-Hmm. .
And I don't have that luxury right now.
And I have enough optimism left.
'cause I do tend to be an optimistic person
that I know will get through it.
It's gonna be okay. I don't know what Okay. Is gonna look
- Like , what the other side is, what the, what,
what it's gonna look like on the other side. Yeah.
- Everything, everything in my life has been figureoutable
eventually like Mm-Hmm.
. We're gonna, we're gonna get through it.
We're gonna get to another side. There'll be something else.
'cause there always is. Yeah. But like, we'll be fine.
And I don't, like, I just, I
sometimes in those moments it catches me off guard
and I go, I want to be softer.
Mm-Hmm. , gentler, kinder, you know, meek
or milder, like pick a word.
Right. Like more submissive.
I want to just follow, just follow
and let you just figure it out for me.
And I get to just be there. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, but I don't miss it so much
that I feel like our life is lacking.
- Yeah. - Does that make sense?
- Yes. And, and I I I want
to touch back on this a little bit too, where you, you know,
said about going back to what was Mm-Hmm.
. And you know, if you can go back to what was,
I think that is a fabulous thing,
but I believe it can also become a pitfall.
Mm mm-Hmm. . Okay.
Because you're wanting to go back
- To the some idealized version.
- Um, to to to the I Yeah.
The idealized version of what was Mm-Hmm. .
And you're ruining the passing of
that, that it's not what it was.
Mm-Hmm. . That you don't look at the
opportunity to make it new.
Mm-Hmm. so to speak.
Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
- Yeah. I agree with that. And I, I, yeah.
And that makes sense to me.
And I, you know, having this conversation, I don't feel like
that's where I'm at.
I don't get a sense that that's where you're at. Mm-Hmm.
I feel like we do better
now than maybe we once did.
Of just existing in this moment. And Yeah.
Are we happy with one another?
Are we content in our relationship? Not gonna say life.
Life is, there's dumpster fires left, right and center.
Yeah. But are we content with one another
and satisfied with one another
and we still want to be here
with one another then the way we're showing up
as dom sub is working for us.
Mm-Hmm. . And, you know, I think that
sometimes in the midst of very stressful moments
where you just wish everything would calm the fuck down
and just could you get a fucking break?
Yeah. It's easy to wish for what once was. Sure.
Because you at least have, that's a, a memory.
You have tangible memories of I that's how
and if life felt better and simpler than right.
Mm-Hmm. . And you're in this moment right now
where nothing feels better or simple.
And, you know, I think nostalgia is,
is, you know, it's powerful.
Yeah. Um, I think that it helps, at least for us, you know,
our lines of communication are very open in the middle
of you kind of like pushing back on my snark.
We were able to have a five minute semi-serious conversation
about where our, you know,
our headspace is in our power exchange.
Mm-Hmm. . Um,
and those conversations are fairly easy to have.
They're not fraught. I don't, I don't like, I don't have
to work myself up to being able to tell you, man,
I wish I could feel your dominance more.
Right. It's more of Mm-Hmm.
I always come to it with all the, the understanding.
I was like, I wish I could feel it more,
but I know why I can't and don't worry. Yeah. It's just
- . This
- Is just a conversation.
Um, No,
but I think that the feelings I had about wanting
to be softer, gentler, were more the,
I just wish life could be a little bit
easier so I can be that way.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, I am not,
I don't have a lot of, um, worry anymore.
I used to that I somehow was not a good submissive
because we, we tend to go back and forth
and the sass is strong.
Mm-Hmm. and, you know, I,
I rely on clear direct communication from you.
Right. And so as long as you are not telling me
that you don't like it, then I'm like, we're good.
I'm like, keep rocking until he speaks up.
'cause he's a grown ass adult
- . And
- If he doesn't like something, he should say something.
Yeah. . Because anybody who's waiting
on me to just know.
- Yeah. No, but see, I, I've said it before. Mm-Hmm.
, we've talked about this in the past. Mm-Hmm.
, this type of re relationship with
been, you know, non kinky or, or power exchange.
I enjoy this. Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Mm-Hmm.
. And, you know, it's one of those things,
it's, it's not for everybody.
I mean, you know,
I could hear somebody out there saying, why do you put up with that?
You know, you are the one, what are you,
what are you doing? You're in
- Charge.
Right. Reminder who's boss.
- Yeah. Okay.
And you know, this, this is how our Mm-Hmm.
relationship works
- Partly 'cause I never don't know whose boss it, you know,
we've talked about this lots over the years about
how we define our 24 7 mm-Hmm.
. And it's not because you are commanding every
moment of every day that I, you know, every mo every one
of my moments, every day.
Yeah. It is not that there's a bunch of rules to follow.
It's not that I have to seek out your permission
for every fucking thing.
It is that you are always the decider, uh,
other than some very specific narrow
things that we've negotiated.
Right. Outside of that, if a decision has to be made,
I'm coming to you every time and Mm-Hmm.
how I show up to ,
- Get that decision.
- Depend context is everything.
Because sometimes it's a lighthearted, fun thing
and we can, I can show up and be silly and sassy
and you know, and that's the energy we're gonna bring to it.
And sometimes it's a, okay, this feels like a life
or death kind of situation.
Um, I have to do a very hard thing
and what's got to be done.
And, but you know, what do you want to do?
And I am serving through all of that
because I'm coming to you with the options.
Mm-Hmm. I've done done the legwork. Mm-Hmm.
I've done the thinking about it. That's why I don't have the
bandwidth to be a softer, gentler version of myself.
, there's shit to think about.
But at the end of it, it always comes back to
what do you want to do now that can,
that line can feel fuzzy sometimes when I haven't kind
of been in my, my sub headspace Mm-Hmm.
because you deciding
often looks like us talking it through
and me presenting my information
and you going, mm, but I'm not sure.
Mm. What about this, what about that?
And then the decision is ultimately a collaborative one.
True. But the sheer fact that I, no decision is being made
until I show up to you
and go here, we have to make this decision.
That's how we're 24 7.
It's how, you know, a lot of people ask me about
how you get into a submissive head space.
And I, in some ways, I'm always there.
In some ways I'm not like when the snark is too strong
and I'm not thinking about, hey wait,
he's the one in charge here.
And I step over the line a little bit
and you know, you push back like clearly I'm not in a head
space, but in a way,
because I know how our life works, how we've set it up so
that even when there's not a direct rule, a direct task, uh,
you didn't ask me to go do a thing,
I didn't, I don't need that.
I know that whatever's going on in our life from uh,
what time of the day
or week we're going to the grocery store to, are we going
to apply for this big thing online and try to do this thing?
Yeah. I can,
I can have all the thoughts and opinions I want.
I can do all the research I want.
The place I stop is just deciding, which quite frankly
for me, and not everybody will feel this way.
I think it's, it's the anxiety of me.
And there's probably other stuff.
It is so comforting sometimes to go, okay,
I did all the work and I see all the options
and I, I have opinions on which way,
but I don't actually have to decide .
And so I, I guess I always, even when I don't feel it,
even when I don't feel like the kind of submissive I want
to feel like we've talked about this before when
I'm like, I haven't had enough baby girl.
It's not snarky sassy,
but like the playful kid-like baby girl side of me.
You know, I'll say I have not had enough
opportunity to be a baby girl lately.
It's, you know, it's been more service than anything.
Or it's been whatever. But, you know,
because of how we just live our power exchange,
I always know I'm submissive.
I always know who I'm submissive to.
'cause I'm working on shit in service of both you
and us as a whole.
Right. Family as a whole.
Um, and also I'm, I might bring it to you
for you to lead on something,
but you, you know, the buck stops there with you, which I,
I mean, I kind of like a little bit
of the pressure is off.
Not a lot, but a little bit. Yeah.
Um, I feel like this was very much about me,
and I don't want it to be where, where are you on, like
what, is there anything that even briefly you've missed
recently about your own dominance
or that you're like, okay,
I'm looking forward to when we can.
- I, I think do that again.
I, I think the biggest thing I miss right now, um,
as, as far as the power exchange Mm-Hmm.
aspect of our relationship.
Um, I think under the circumstances
it's doing pretty damn good.
in some ways. Mm-Hmm.
, um, you know, yeah.
We're, we're, we're going through a lot,
but we're keeping one foot in front of the other and,
and we're just chipping away at things. We're
- Handling this current batch of stress.
Clearly we're handling it differently than the previous
batches of stress, but in
a way, I feel like we're handling it better.
Like we're getting better life. Going
- Better at handling the bullshit.
Yeah. I, I think Oh, used, you
- Thought you were gonna get a chance
to just like, be bored.
No, no. Here. Mm-Hmm. here.
I want you to, I want you to like, deal with this
- Mm-Hmm.
. Now, I, I would say
the thing that I most certainly miss, um,
in the way things have been, um, have been playtime.
- Oh yeah. Yeah. - Lack thereof.
- Yeah. - You know,
and, um, there, there was a time, you know,
during the day we had opportunities.
We had the house to ourselves.
We no longer have that at all. Mm-Hmm.
- . And there's stuff going on
that even when we could have that, we can't have that.
And, you know, I, I agree. I miss it too.
Um, I think that we would probably be better
connected if we got more of that.
Mm-Hmm. , um, time in. Yeah.
I also, you know,
there are times when I get I miss
something or I wish something was different.
I get resentful about it. Mm-Hmm.
, this is not one of those times
because I understand clearly the priority
and, and why Mm-Hmm.
. Um, and I, you know, I think I have
enough perspective now on some parts of life that I go,
I know this won't be forever.
This will change. Mm-Hmm.
either kids grow up
and move outta your damn house,
or you start to have grownup money again
and you're like, you can stay at the house.
I'm going, you know, . Yeah.
And that I, you know, I, I don't know.
And maybe it's a, I'm, I'm getting older
and we will pretend wiser
and that's how, why I'm less impatient
and frustrated about it.
Like, yes, I acknowledge it and I want it to be different
and I wish it could be different,
but I'm not, I don't walk
around miserable about the fact that it can't be different.
I sort of accept it. Mm-Hmm.
, maybe that's because I am
intimately aware of why it is.
Yeah. What it is. I don't know. I dunno.
- I mean, I'm not gonna lie
and say that, um,
my headspace has been, you know, nonchalant about this.
Mm-Hmm. , um, no.
Uh, my head space has definitely been affected,
but not as bad as it would have in the past.
Yeah. And sometimes, you know, I hate to say this,
but I almost wonder if it is in part
because of, you know, since
things kind of started for us, you know,
going back a couple years ago,
if this isn't just about being desensitized to some of it
- Probably, but you know what?
If that's what gets us
through without being more stressed than
we could be, I'll take it.
Yeah. I'll take it. We probably are
because our new normal has been Oh,
that thing you wanna do, you're not gonna be able to do.
Like, that's just Yeah. We, we roll with it now.
'cause we're like, oh yeah, ,
- Right?
- Yeah. Yeah. Li Life's been doing
this to us for a few years.
I mean, I, I, you know, there was a time,
I think we still got our hopes up about
- Shit.
. Yeah. Yeah.
- No . Nope. - To hell with Hope .
- It's weird. Um,
maybe other optimists will, will relate to this.
I don't know. But it feels weird to acknowledge
that I am optimistic about long-term future.
Like I know that this is not gonna be our reality forever,
that things will shift and change again,
because that's the nature of life, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah. But also very much at minimum a pragmatist
and maybe a pessimist about
in the moment stuff like, oh, we might get time
to do the fuckery thing.
Okay. We don't get your hopes up . Yeah.
That's probably not happening.
- . Mm-Hmm. . Yep. Exactly.
- Like, I'm optimistic for a broader future.
I'm, I don't know if pessimistic is right.
Maybe that's too strong, but I'm not optimistic about the
immediate moment.
- Yeah. I mean, just, just like we thought we were gonna
have the opportunity to have some playtime a few days ago.
Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Mm-Hmm. .
And, uh, not that I wasn't looking forward to it,
but it was kind of one of those things
where I had it in my mind.
I'll believe it when I see it. Yep, yep.
- Yep, - Yep, yep. .
- Yep. Which did help for the disappointment to be minimal.
Yeah. Because I was like, yeah, I sort
of expected this to go this way. Mm-Hmm. .
- Yeah. - And are we being cagey and not giving details?
Yes. But that's 'cause there are certain parts
of our personal life even
we don't wanna put on the internet.
Thanks. Right. Um, uh,
- So Yeah.
Yeah. You know, and, um, I I, I think if anything,
you know, what the last few years have, have taught me,
um, you know, kind of roll
with the punches a little better.
- Yeah. Oh yeah.
the one, the one, uh,
consistent conversation we've had over the years.
Uh, 'cause when your stress levels get high, it could be
because there's stuff going on.
Sure. Mm-Hmm. . But it typically is about you
feeling out of control about a thing.
Yes. And it's not to say
that you don't still have those moments
where you're stressed simply because you don't have control.
They, you handle them better.
- They're not Yeah. It's not as much of a Oh, you
- Are unbearable in the beginning.
- , they're Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. I, yeah.
I'm, I don't deny it. Yeah.
- And, and you know, maybe it's, we're desensitized,
but I, there's, I there's a little bit of a benefit to that
because that decent, we're not so desensitized
that we can't acknowledge our feelings.
Mm-Hmm. and talk about the reality of things.
And, you know, it's not that we don't care
or have hope we all of that is true.
Yeah. It's more that we are not reactive in the moment
as much as we once were Yeah.
We, we are laughing more
through this particular stressful moment in time.
Mm-Hmm. , which for us is a str type of stress
that we knew we always knew could be a possibility.
And we desperately didn't want it to be . Yeah.
We're laughing more
through this one than we were the previous stressors,
which were the new and unknown
and like, we hadn't become desensitized.
Right. And I think that's it.
To bring it back to the actual topic.
I think that's why I'm not always, I don't always get to
be the submissive that I kind of have been in the past
and would like to be at times,
but I'm not always unhappy.
I'm actually mostly happy with the type
of submissive I am right now.
Now that works
because you are showing up in the complimentary fashion.
You want, you like this from me
and you're giving as good as you get.
Mm-Hmm. . And so it's a reciprocal thing
and it's a mutual thing.
Right. That would not work if it was not mutual
- . Sure, sure.
- We would all be miserable - If that was the case.
And that, and that's the, the, the, you know,
the big thing about it, um, you know, the,
the relationship we have with the snark, you know what,
what I get from you, what, what you get from me, you know,
it, it's part of our relationship.
It's consensual. Yeah. You know, no.
And no different than, um, you know,
somebody being with a bratt.
Sure. Okay. You know, that, that has
to be all consensual as well.
- Right. And you have to like, kind of have an idea of
what you're signing up for and go, yeah, yeah.
I'll, we'll keep doing this. Right.
I wanna be clear, I don't think we just showed up this
compatible in this type of way.
Like one day we were like trying to have more of a,
uh, air quote this word, typical kind
of power exchange kinda moment.
And the next moment it's snark and sass
and who can be meaner
to one another without crossing a line kind of thing.
That we didn't, that we didn't just wake up that way
because No, my, like, I think I said this at the top, if not
what I'm saying it now, my natural response to stress
and hard times if I don't shut down, I get sharper,
I get harder, I get, like,
I get more pointed in my words a lot of the times.
Yeah. And that is not always welcome .
And in the beginning of all of this, as we were sort
of shifting into like what life looks like now on top
of just the learning how to live with the levels of stress
that we hadn't had to live with
before, you know, there were things that
JB did not always respond well to that he, you know,
there were still times you're like, this is inappropriate
and it may have actually been inappropriate,
or it may have been at that moment it was inappropriate.
And if it happened in the exact same way today
with the experience we have of one another being this way,
he would not clock it that way.
Like, I don't, I don't, can't say don't know,
but this is a thing that we, we each, we're working
through stuff together because we're married.
Mm-Hmm. . And we raise kids together
and we own a business together.
Everything we do is together. Sure.
So we're working through it all together,
but we still had to get to
how we could internally handle all of it in our own time
and in our own way.
And so there absolutely have been times of conflict
because maybe I'm in the snark head space
of fuck it, anything even matter at all anymore anyway.
And j b's over there, depending on the situation
or the moment or the whatever going, no,
this is super serious
and you are not responding in a respectful way.
And I feel like my power and control is being threatened
and not being respected.
And you know, that was especially true in the early times
when you, your stress level was connected to
how out of control you felt.
Correct. And then if I was not showing up in that
at least semi respectful way, your tolerance
for it was not like it is now.
And or because I'm constantly trying to read people.
It's the hypervigilance Hi .
Um, I was sometimes moderating
and modulating my approach because of how you were Yeah.
And now I think we are absolutely at a point,
and I'm not saying that this couldn't turn on a dime
and we couldn't be like so stressed that we're catatonic,
but right now we are at the fuck it levels of stress
- Like Yeah. Yeah. Fuck it.
- . And so we, yeah. Our sense of humor is better.
Mm-Hmm. . And so then the push
and pull of how we interact is more fluid
and it fits better.
Yeah. But also, yeah, , there's parts of us
and parts of our power exchange experience.
I don't miss so much that I'm miserable,
but like, if I think about it, if I take the time
to think about it, I'm like, oh yeah,
I know. I miss that. Yeah.
- And, you know, to to, to say, you know, would it be nice
for things to kind of, you know, chill out
and get back to a little bit of what it was. Hell yeah.
- Yeah. And, you know, I won, I I think we'll get
to find out, but I wonder if we'll be mindful
of it when we're figuring it out.
Yeah. When we get some of these things sorted
and we get back to the flow of the ebb and flow
and we, even if it's just for like a week,
we get to be bored
- . Yeah.
- We get to be like, you know, you get to have
that false sense of Oh, I've got my life figured out.
That is right before life will throw you
another like, curve ball.
But that's fine. I'll take that
- Five minutes right before life says, here,
hold my drink .
- Right. But what I'm curious about is if we'll be mindful
enough of what's happening in our lives to recognize it
and to go, oh, this is our time, this is, oh, we can,
we can do things differently.
We don't if we want to Yeah.
We don't have to continue on in this way.
We can branch out and, you know, in other
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Go down memory lane a little better. Mm-Hmm.
whatever, whatever. Yeah.
- Ah - Hmm.
- . - So I don't have anything.
Could I keep talking in circles
around a topic while Lola snores in the background?
Of course I could. Yeah. Um,
but yeah, I didn't expect this
to be personally helpful for anybody.
'cause our experience will be
different from your experience. Mm-Hmm.
- mileage may vary,
- Obviously.
Definitely always. Yeah.
But I think that if you ever have, if you ever have
that realization of what I used to be, we used
to be like this together and now we're, we're not like that.
And it's not been a, we sat down
and talked about it and renegotiated.
Mm-Hmm. . It's just been a natural shift.
You know, I think it's worth thinking about,
even if it's not maybe the right time to talk about it, uh,
maybe it is the right time to talk about it.
Yeah. And you can go, Hey, have,
let's acknowledge this at least
and let's check in with one another.
You know, this for me has been kind of a check-in of,
oh, we actually like this.
This is okay, this is not, we're not lacking in some way.
Right. Um, I miss the older aspects of the way we used
to be able to do things,
but I also agree that we'll either get there at some point
in the future or we will get there.
We'll have a different experience that gives a similar vibe.
- Mm mm-Hmm.
- Yeah. No. So I don't have anything else to say. Mm-Hmm.
Okay. Okay. I guess we'll be done.
- So are we good? We're
- Gonna have bonus section and then , you're trying
to rush us over here.
. We're gonna do a bonus
section, but yes, we're done.
And yes, to answer your question, uh, are we good?
I don't know. That's not for me to say. Okay.
- Keep it kinky y'all - And we'll see you next week.
Daddy.
- Yes, baby girl. - Can I talk to the crickets please?
- You go right ahead. Oh, - Damn. He is tired. Y'all
- .
- I mean, his eyes are not fully open. So . Yeah.
So here's how our, our day started.
We recorded the first thing and his eyes were not open.
, we recorded the next thing
and he made his eyes be open.
. We did the intro for this podcast
for the audio side of things, and he made his eyes be open.
But the longer we've had this conversation,
the more they've shut again,
- .
- Uh, I know your original plan was to go work in the shop.
Maybe, maybe a nap would be better. I don't know.
What do you think? Should you take a nap?
- No, I'm still gonna go and
- Okay.
You're gonna be that tired and
go work around the power tools.
- Yeah. . Oh - God. Oh God.
- Yeah.
Um, so yeah. Yeah.
No, I, I kind of giggled,
uh, earlier back Rah said that, uh, oh.
So I'm sad.
- A smart ass daddy. - Smart
ass daddy. Yeah, you definitely
- Are. .
- You definitely, - You absolutely.
I would, I would say on the lighter end of the spectrum,
you're a sassy daddy, uh, .
And when, when you, you get to the, you've gone
to the dark side and had the cookies,
you're a smart ass daddy.
Yeah.
- Yep, yep, yep. Yeah.
No, no, no intention whatsoever. Arranging myself, Ms.
Spock. So, um, mostly gonna be doing some sanding.
- Yeah. You're working on knives. Yep. Yeah. Yeah.
We're, we, were sold out knives, so I'll take some knives.
Yeah. Right. We're trying to have a sale, man.
- I need some naps. .
- Yeah. Uh, Kim says Kayla deserved a diet Coke .
Yeah. If that's Jamie's plan, she needs a way to cope
with tired and power tools.
. I, you know, My coping mechanism these days is, uh,
is definitely diet Coke and any crunchy food.
I like the crunchy. I need crunchy.
I mean, are those usually potato chips? Yes.
Did I tell myself when we went
to the grocery store the other day, I would like an apple.
'cause you bought an apple specifically for Lola. Yes.
And he cut it up and to have it ready
for whenever he wants to give her one.
And, uh, 'cause we're trying to give her treats
so she feels like she's getting treats during the day
and stops, like scrounging in gross, weird ways,
but without the calories.
'cause she's, we still trying to deal with her excess weight
that's not good for her joints.
But, um, so Debbie cut the apple
and was putting it in a container.
I went, oh my God, that apple looks so good.
, I too would like an apple.
And we were going to the grocery store like
later that day or the very
- Next morning.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. .
- And did I get an apple?
No, but did I get corn chips, pretzels
and potato chips? Yes.
- Yep. - Yes, I did. .
- Yeah. And that, and that's true Mr.
Spock, when you, uh, you know, have no intention of,
of doing something like that, that is when it, uh,
has the highest probability of happening. Oh yeah.
- And you're like, no, I'll be fine. Yeah.
Only one eye is actually open and Mm-Hmm.
, I'm sort of snoring in the background,
but Sure, sure.
Turn on this high powered spinning thing. Yeah,
- It'll be fine.
Well, I mean, and you know, my own defense,
I'm not gonna be using a table saw.
True. I'm not using nothing with blades.
Not using the big band saw. No.
You know, I'll be using an oscillating sander. Yeah.
- But still be careful. I, that's all I'm saying. I know.
That's all I'm saying. Um, what else is going on with us?
Lola is steady snoring.
Like she worked third shift last night, y'all.
- Yep. Yep. ,
- I dunno if how well the mic picks that up.
Mm-Hmm. But all we did was take a pause
and there was a snort srk snore thing going on there.
Right. And we think Rosie,
the Roomba attacked Ella the cat today.
Right. I do not know what happened.
Rosie was running throughout the house.
Ella was in our bedroom. Ella made a sound like she was
about to kick some ass.
Yes. She was pissed. You could hear it in the,
like the meow growl thing.
Mm-Hmm. at first I was like, oh no.
Is she fighting with Onyx? No.
Onyx was in one
of the cat trees in another part of the house.
Heard Ella took off running towards Ella.
Ella came running out of the bedroom
and her tail, her whole body,
but her tail specifically was puffed up
to like two times the size, natural size of her tail.
Mm-Hmm. She was so pissed. She wouldn't let Onyx near her.
She would not like, let me come near her. She was pissed.
And the only thing I could think is that, um,
because of the, the way the sounds were
and where things were going on,
I'm wondering if Rosie the Roomba got her
tail a little bit. Right.
- Well, I I I do know, and,
and I've seen this happening a little bit over time.
She has been coming, been Bec ella. Mm-Hmm.
at any rate and has been becoming
more, uh, comfortable
- Around Rosie.
- Around Rosie. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, I've, I've caught her following.
See Rosie a time or two,
- Maybe the way a cat becomes a Roomba rider is you gotta
like, do some battle first.
Yeah. Like, you gotta learn
to keep your fucking tail out of the way. Right.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.
- Yeah. When I saw her tail puffed up, I was like,
holy shit.
Yeah. And then it was probably good 20, 30 minutes later
before I saw her again and she was calm.
Mm-Hmm. . Yeah.
She was back down to her natural
- Signs.
. Yeah. I mean, Lola, she
doesn't even budge when Rosie No, no. Is doing her thing.
- I think she's figured out that there's no way in hell
Rosie is smarter than her. .
- She's good. She's good. That's true's good. That's true.
And, uh, Onyx, um,
she's either in her hide hole in the closet.
Mm-Hmm. Or she's parks herself on the bed.
- Yeah. - Well, out of the way. Yeah.
- No, she does not have time or patience for Rosie. Mm-Hmm.
and instead of like investigating
or trying to hunt it down
- No.
- She's like, I'll just stay the fuck
outta the way. Right. Yeah.
- Yeah. - Mm-Hmm. Don't start no shit. Won't be no shit.
I think is Annex iss, uh, a Yeah. Vibe. Mm-Hmm.
. Yeah. Yeah.
- And j just J Jay,
just j said sweet potato treats for the dogs too. Yeah.
- We've done, um, the kind of like
pre-made treats that have sweet potato flavor
and we've done dog food
that has sweet potato supposedly in it.
Mm-Hmm. . She does like that. Yeah.
We're doing right now. Uh, baby carrots. Mm-Hmm.
and apple slices.
- Apple slices. Mm-Hmm. And,
and of course the, um, occasional banana tax that has to be
- Paid.
Oh yeah. Yeah. We do not pay the cheese tax in this house
because we are trying to help her watch her calorie a day.
. Mm-Hmm. . She,
I mean every once in a while
she'll get a little piece of cheese.
Yeah. And that is the happiest I think I've
ever seen her look.
And the most hopeful, like if you're a slice and cheese
or grating cheese, she's,
she's looking at you. Oh yeah. She's hoping.
- So, um, yeah.
We're, we're, we're trying to do, um, more fresh,
you know, vegetable based snacks for her
that are very low on calories.
Yeah. Um, and,
and so far she's, she's doing, she seems
to be quite happy with it.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, between the, the,
the carrots and the apples
and the occasional, um, banana bite.
She's, you know Mm-Hmm.
- . Yeah.
The, it's been a hot minute since I did anything with fresh,
like broccoli.
But she will eat a little bit of broccoli. Yeah.
- She loves watermelon. Watermelon. Oh my gosh. Oh my God.
She loves watermelon so much.
- Mm-Hmm. . Um, she likes blueberries. Yeah.
When we have fresh blueberries,
I will pay the blueberry tax.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, so yeah, we're just, she is
so food driven and food focused, um, that we're,
but we don't give her treats during the day
because you know, of her weight.
And so we're like, we could give her these low calorie,
almost no calorie things that are safe for her to eat.
And then if we cut back on her food just a little
bit at mealtime Mm-Hmm.
, then we're putting her into more
of a calorie deficit,
but she doesn't necessarily feel deprived.
Right. That's our thinking anyway. Yeah.
- And, uh, starting to see that she has hips.
- Yeah. I think she's,
she's a lot like many women who hit middle age.
It's all around her middle. Like her hips are fine.
- . Yeah. - She's, she is, uh,
like her mom barrel wasted at this point.
She's stout. She's stout .
I, I feel that, I feel that real hard. Yeah. So I
- Can't talk either.
- You know, it, years ago it was when I first started
working for myself and I was in my phase of listening
to people I respected
and thought like, might make some good sense,
but it was about the whole entrepreneur life kind of thing.
And in that context, the person was talking about when
you're building your business
and trying to grow it so
that it's an income you can live on or whatever, whatever.
He's like, I think he said he got
the theory from somebody else.
So it's not this guy's theory, it was somebody else's,
but I can't remember who he said.
Basically, there's certain times
of your life when you're at like your busiest
or you're like you're grinding it out
or whatever he might be, you know, you have your family,
friends, your work life and your health.
And of those three things, his contention was
at peak like performance.
Like you've gotta be like really focused on stuff.
You can only focus on two of those three at a time.
And that feels right in my brain.
It's fine if others disagree.
And so that actually helps alleviate a lot of guilt
for me when I'm like, you know, I do, I do a lot of the,
you should be doing this, you should be doing that.
That's a lot of my, you know, internal self-talk. Mm-Hmm.
, regardless of what therapy taught me about
should all over myself.
And, um, you know, when I'm down on myself
for not doing more to take care of my health to, you know,
exercise more, to eat better, to like put the amount of time
and energy that goes into actively trying
to change your body in some way
or change your whole lifestyle around Yeah.
Food and activity.
I sometimes you'll say it's a cop out, but I don't think so.
I'm like, no, my, the thing
that's got all my focus right now is work.
'cause I like to pay the mortgage
and um, family right now 'cause of health stuff.
And it's like there will come a time when these things will
not be my top priority
and then I can put the focus
into health in a different way.
Um, because it's not to say
that I'm not focusing on it doesn't mean I'm ignoring it
and just doing dumb shit.
It's more like I'm doing my best to just maintain
so I don't fall apart completely.
But I think it's, you know, for anybody who doesn't,
you know, maybe doesn't, hasn't thought about it this way,
deciding to change what you eat and how you eat
and when you move and how you move
and to focus on that, that requires energy and effort.
And anybody who says it doesn't
to me is probably full of fucking shit.
Or your life is just charmed is all I'm saying. .
So, so only so much to go around.
And so that's Mm-Hmm. that's sort of
how I like, make myself feel better about that
because I go back to the times when I did put the energy
and time into what I ate
and how often I worked, worked out and how it worked out.
Mm-Hmm. it took up a lot of time.
Like that was my hobby for like Mm-Hmm. years.
Yeah. And I spent hours a day in some way on it.
And it's like I, who's got that kind
of fucking time right now? .
- Yeah. - So, but
- Hmm.
- Yeah. Um, I dunno that I've got anything else. Yeah. Yeah.
The, the part of the problem is, is the stuff that is like
top of mind for both of us is stuff that we just have chosen
to not speak about Yeah.
Publicly and put on the internet. That's
just one of our boundaries.
So it's like, yeah. I guess I got nothing to talk about.
And in my brain I'm like, oh, I got stuff
- .
- Yeah. I'm just not here. . Right. Right.
It's not for public consumption.
- . Yeah.
- So unless you have something else that's on your mind,
I guess we can, I think we're, we can be done.
- Yeah. - Uh, good news.
When we were recording stuff earlier today, we did record
with, uh, our mics functioning .
Yes. So there will be for YouTube folks.
There will be a video next
- Monday.
Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. Yeah.
- Well we got it right this time, . Okay.
We're gonna go. Thanks
for sticking with us
to the bitter end. Mm-Hmm. ,
- Thanks for hanging out with us.
- We're grateful for all of y'all. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, we'll talk to y'all later. Mm-Hmm.
- . Bye. Bye.