- You are listening to the Living BDSM podcast,
episode three 80, kill The Lords.
Who are the one, the only, the guy
who is consistently surprised and shocked by my snark
and sass as if he's just met me.
John Brownstone. .
I mean, you're not new here,
. You know how I am.
- Some days it's just more intense,
noticeable than others. Yeah, yeah,
- Yeah.
It's like I bottle it up and then it's like a, a Coke bottle
that you shake and just
- Yeah.
Put Mentos in there and, oh,
- Oh Lord.
Mentos would be if you egg me on
or piss me off one of the two, uh, .
That's, that's what the,
putting the Mentos in the, the Coke.
If you don't know that, just go Google that.
You look it up on YouTube, whatever.
Uh, if you do know, you know,
if you know, you know, .
Um, anyway, that's not at all what we're here No.
To talk about this week, this week.
Uh, we are talking about specific parts of
what we would consider under the umbrella
of consensual non-consent.
And that is free use and blanket consent.
Uh, two terms that are kind of new to us,
even though the concepts I don't think completely are
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All links are in the show notes.
I was gonna keep going with that,
but then you were hitting a magic button
and I was like, okay, I'm, I need to stop now.
. Okay. Podcast listeners.
Did I make an innuendo for the clit? Yes, I did. .
And you didn't get to hear the first part,
but that's what we're talking about.
Okay, so
before we get into today's topic, I have an announcement
for the, did I do this late?
Yes. Whatever. It's done now
for the rest of the month of January.
All of our digital products on our Etsy shop,
that's our 30 days of DSS workbooks,
our long distance relationship workbook, our planner sheets,
our habit trackers, all that good stuff.
They're all 25% off this month. Why?
Because a lot of people will start a new year
and go, okay, it's time to work on some goals,
work on some new habits.
I'm gonna, you know, get some things right
in my power exchange.
And, uh, some of our products might actually
be able to help you.
Our 30 days of DSS workbooks, there's the first one,
and then there's volume two are prompts
that can either be journal prompts if you're doing it solo
or conversation starters if you're in a relationship to kind
of work through and think through what DSS means to you
and how you wanna navigate it.
The first one is for basics.
Like if you're brand new and you're still trying
to figure shit out, start with just 30 days of dss.
If you're already in a relationship
and you're starting to bump up against like the real life
shit that's never part of the fantasy
that's had in your head, then you want volume two.
And then if you're in a long distance relationship,
check out our LDR book.
Uh, and then our planner sheets.
There's, um, planner, they can be used, you can print them,
it's a PDF or you can put it in a digital
planner if you do that kind of thing.
Um, there's sheets for submissives
to write down their tasks, their sheets for submissives.
Technically DOMS can too,
to track habits that trying to change.
Mm-Hmm. , uh, we created a dominant
accountability tracker, meaning submissive is trying
to do things, but the dominant wants to try
and track is it being done on their end?
We have those there and they're all 25 person. Oh.
So feel free to check
that out on our Etsy shop link in the places.
And there's no coupon required.
It's just an automatic, you just , you just get it.
That's what you do.
So, okay.
Um, this topic.
So in 2023, as an offhand comment,
I mentioned, and I don't even remember what episode,
that maybe we should do an episode on the
concept of free use.
'cause that expression was being used. Mm-Hmm.
a lot more frequently. Um,
but I was like, yeah, we've kind of talked about it already.
'cause we've talked about the a another way of saying
for use for many people is sexual availability,
which is a part of our power exchange.
And we had talked about that. I even thought
that we had talked about, uh, consensual non-consent
and then cannot find an episode where we talked about that.
So maybe we'll do a broader overview at some point.
Maybe we did and I just didn't type in the right
words to find it.
, I dunno, I that .
So, um, is that
- Like the lost episode or something? You know,
- Maybe So , because I have a clear memory
of having conversations where we, you know, we're like,
well, consensual non-consent can be this
or might be that, blah, blah.
And I thought this episode would be, um, addition to that.
And then when I went back to like, to the archive,
couldn't find what I thought was there.
So that , this might be the first
official conversation we've had on consensual non-consent.
I don't actually know. Um, and I say that
because some people consider consensual non-consent
completely separate from free use
and blanket consent, which are the topics are going,
the words we're gonna focus on today.
To me, when I think of how all of these things work, I think
consensual non-consent is a, is a blanket label
that can mean many different things.
And some of these things fall within that umbrella.
So there are some of the very specific role play scenes
that people enact that are CNC.
And then there are some things that people do that
we'll get into with these definitions of free use
and blanket consent that I personally,
that's us definitely under the umbrella.
And we will go from there
and figure out if anybody else agrees now,
because I'd heard the term for use and I was like, eh,
but just 'cause I, I know a topic
or think I know a phrase doesn't
mean I actually know the phrase.
So I, I started digging around
and I remembered that Evie Lupin had a video
where she had talked about some of these terms.
So I used her for research to try
and get my, my head wrapped around the definitions.
Okay, her video is linked in the places, please go watch it.
'cause she absolutely adds her insight and her view.
She talks about consensual
non-consent, not just these terms.
Definitely worth a watch. I I was watching it yesterday.
I was like, yeah, everybody needs to watch us.
Um, but we look at things through
a very specific lens of power exchange.
And that doesn't change the nature of these terms,
but it can change the way we talk about them and view them.
And so, you know, thank you Evie, for informing me.
But also this is a separate conversation, um,
for anybody who's like, oh, well,
you're just talking about what Evie talked about.
No, we're having our own conversation. Okay. Okay.
So I was gonna talk only about free use at first,
and then I came across the term blanket consent
and I went, oh, we definitely have to talk about this.
'cause I, this one,
this one gave me the feels ,
and they were not necessarily positive feels .
So before we get into these terms, uh,
let me give the disclaimer.
I try to always give, when we're talking about terms
and definitions and meanings
and opinions about these things, um, you can
for yourself define these differently
than they are defined here.
This is my understanding of these terms based on EV's video,
based on other things I looked up.
You can get to have your own kind
of like more nuanced definition if you want.
Also, you get to have your own opinion about whether these
things are good or bad, should be practiced.
Like that's all personal and subjective.
Just because we state maybe a definition
or understanding of it,
and we have a position maybe on what these things are
and how they're used
and whatever, whatever comes up does not mean that we say
that you should have to agree with us.
And so before you start typing the angry comment,
just take a breath.
Okay. It'll be okay.
I'm not trying to tell anybody how to think. Okay.
So that was a mouthful. Ooh.
Because I know, I know how it gets .
I know how it gets. Okay.
So, uh, I might have been misleading in the title
and start with free use, but I wanna start
with blanket consent.
Okay. One, because that was a new to me term
and also gave me feels, gave me so many feels.
Okay. Okay.
So blanket consent based on my understanding, thank you,
Evie, is that consent is, can be in any kind
of BDSM relationship.
But let's talk about power exchange.
Consent is negotiated once at the very beginning
of the relationship, and then it is assumed from
then on out.
It's like, I gave you consent to be my dom,
here are my limits, here are my boundaries.
However that conversation goes. Mm-Hmm. .
And that can be very nuanced. Done.
You don't have to check in for my consent.
You don't have to get my consent. It is
- What it is.
- It is what it is. Now here's the thing
that made me go, okay.
In a way you and I have
that the only time you're checking in is if you're uncertain
if there's something going on or if it's brand new.
Mm-Hmm. the way my understanding of
how it was kind of explained was there's no checking in.
It's just these are the things you said
that you would do, could do whatever.
And then I just go from there.
Um, apparently in these situations, yes,
there can be safe words, not universally so,
but they tend to only be used in true emergencies.
Like, I am physically injured while this thing is happening.
Right. I'm having a mental breakdown right now.
That kind of thing. Yes. Yeah.
Um, and it's apparently for some people, not uncommon
for submissives to have fewer limits.
Not no limits. Nobody has no limits. Y'all come on.
But fewer limits. Right.
The one thing, um, that was said,
and I agree with wholeheartedly, that blanket consent, uh,
is an advanced level power exchange.
- Yeah. And that, that doesn't sound like it.
You don't start there. Right.
That I was gonna say, that doesn't sound like something,
you know, somebody with uh, little to no experience
just comes trotting up and says, okay.
- Right. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Because the thing is, is this kind of power exchange
can, um, absolutely attract, and,
and in king con general, it attracts predators.
Mm-Hmm. , somebody's like, oh, I I'm your dom.
You gave me permission to be your dom.
That means I get to do what I want to do .
And the thing is, is if you are in the type of relationship
where you've been together long enough,
you know each other well enough, you've done the work
to be open Mm-Hmm.
and vulnerable and build that intimacy,
you can probably have that.
- Yeah. I mean us
after the amount of time that we've been together.
Right. Um, you know, there was a time I would think,
oh my gosh, how could anybody play without a safe word?
Right. But we have been together enough
and done enough things together that I have gotten
to a point where I can read your body language now.
Mm-Hmm. , um, you know, I, I can read your,
- And also, you know that if it gets bad enough, I'm,
I'm gonna yell red anyway.
Yeah. It doesn't matter if I feel like something has gone
off the rails, you know, I'm gonna say it.
Right. We don't have to do a reminder
before we start anything.
Hey, do you know you're safe work? We're past that. Yeah.
So, you know, long established relationships
where the trust has been earned and built
and is con, you know, everything's consistent.
You know, I think some people, and we,
I was thinking maybe we have some of this as well
without really even talking about it.
Not completely, not across our
whole relationship, but some of this.
But no, if jojo sausage head rolls up to your dms
and starts, they may not even use the term blanket consent.
They may do the, I wanna be your dom
and you're gonna do whatever I tell you.
And, you know, your personal wants and desires don't matter.
Well, that person is an asshole, you know, abuser.
And let's block and delete and move on.
Um, the, um, the thing that,
and it's something that Evie said, and,
and I'm glad she said it, and I wanna reiterate it here,
because it's a thing to remember the idea of just
never having to like get your, your dom
to check in and ask permission.
They just do understanding your limits,
understanding boundaries, but they just do whatever
and they, they're not asking you what you think.
Right? Mm-Hmm. for some people
that's gonna be better in fantasy than in real life.
And that is okay.
That's, that's the nature of a lot of kinks.
They're way better in your head than they ever are
being played out in real life.
But it's also okay to admit that,
to maybe try it and then go, huh?
No. Or to modify it.
I saw in the livestream comments,
rah rah was talking about you can have blanket consent over
like one specific thing right.
In, you know, between people.
And I think that's perfectly valid of course as well.
So you might go, oh, this, this kind of like, I'm here
for blanket consent then Mm-Hmm.
, you know, no thoughts, just vibes for me
as the little s .
Um, and then try it
and go, oh no, that's like, I for a second was like, yeah,
that's, that's kind of hot.
That's, that's kind of sexy. Mm-Hmm.
And then I was like, no, I have too many opinions, ,
I have too many questions.
I don't think that's gonna work for me.
So as we're going through our definitions
and understandings here, there's another part
that I want JB here for.
'cause he reads the outlines,
but I like him to hear the thing I'm saying.
You finally just went and got your jacket, didn't you? Yeah.
So the next, a layer
from blanket consent, and I had never heard this okay.
Until Evie said it. And this is where I got all the feels.
Okay. Irrevocable consent.
So it's like, you might start with blanket consent. Mm-Hmm.
, where you've already, you said
what your things are in the beginning.
And now Dom has free reign to do whatever they need to do.
Consent is, you know, basically assumed from
that initial whatever, irrevocable consent is sort
of a next level up.
And the way it was explained,
I stopped breathing for a second.
Okay. Consent can never be withdrawn.
It's irrevocable. It you, you once, you gave
- It once given.
- Now not can, let's just say, first of all,
let me just say I do, no, not, not gonna ever recommend that
not a fan.
Do I think that there's some 10th of a 10th of a 10th
of a percentage of kink
or couples who could maybe make that work?
Sure. I'm gonna say those people are the exception
and not the fucking rule.
Something about the idea
of irrevocable consent makes my asshole tighten
in the worst possible way.
Like I'm clenching real fucking hard
because this idea that consent can never be withdrawn,
that I could never be in a moment with you
that was okay until it was not.
And I couldn't make it stop.
Like, the idea is that if, if consent needs to be withdrawn,
basically you've ended the relationship.
- And, and you know what? I find it slightly
shocking and yet not.
Because if you think about it, there are people
who treat collars the same way.
That is true. Okay. Is true.
You know, a a collar has as much, if not more
meaning than, than a wedding band.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Alright.
And, and once that collar is is put on,
you know, it's, it's on. Right. You
- Take - It off, you're
- Severing something in the relationship.
- Exactly. - And here's the thing, as a symbol for what
that relationship means to you, I'm on board with that.
It's not that for us, but I'm on board for with that. Yeah.
But that is the symbol of your relationship consent
and the ability to keep yourself mentally,
emotionally, physically safe. Mm-Hmm.
- , - Fuck you
and the horse you rode in on there, in my mind,
there always has to be room for consent to be withdrawn,
even if it's you walked into something eyes wide open
and went, this may be wild
and this may be hairy scary, but I want it.
I'm down for it. I love it.
I'm scared to death and I love it.
But oh, right now, uh, I'm, I'm about
to be injured right now.
A trigger I didn't know existed is fucking with my head.
And I'm gonna be in therapy for 10 years
because I had to go through with it.
Somebody that I thought I could trust, I now can't trust.
- Mm-Hmm. . - You know, you know. Yeah.
See what there's, I think for most people who can get to
that level of maybe even contemplating something like
irrevocable consent,
especially if they start from like the blanket consent
thing, they've probably built the relationship
where there is total trust.
Mm-Hmm. where there's total
faith in one another. Yeah.
- But - I can never forget
that you were human and count fuck up.
- Yeah. - And I love for people who believe
that their dom hung the fucking moon.
I think you hung the moon. But I'm very well aware
that you put your damn pants on one leg at a time
and might stumble and trip over yourself.
'cause we're human. Yeah.
Like you are my everything,
but also you are not infallible.
- No. - You know what I mean? So you can fuck up.
I can think I've told you everything
and have forgotten a thing, maybe hid a thing for myself
that I didn't wanna admit to you.
And now I'm in a situation where I let you do a thing
that you should never have done
because I didn't do something I should have done.
Mm-Hmm. . Why? Because I'm fucking human.
So this idea that consent can't be revoked.
- Yeah. - And I, I say this Mm-Hmm. .
And I'm, I do mean this.
It probably doesn't come out this way.
I'm not trying to yuck on anybody's yum or kink shame
or say that you are not allowed.
You are allowed to do whatever the fuck you wanna do.
But if anybody comes to ask me if I think
that's a good idea, I'm gonna say no.
I'm gonna say I advise against that.
I'm gonna say, yeah,
but there better be a break glass
for emergency something fucking something.
Mm-Hmm. . Because that is the reality of life.
Yeah. Like, things can be going on perfectly.
You can never have a mishap in the bedroom
or outta the bedroom in your relationship.
Everything can be smooth fucking sailing until it's not.
Until it's not. And if you think whoever you might be
that you can predict that
and work around that, well then when did you become God?
Uh, did you get an official name tag for that?
Do you clock in somewhere for
- That ?
- Because it's just not how life works. Mm-Hmm.
- . It's - Just how life works.
- But, you know, and, and again,
and something that, that, um, X brought up in the chat,
you know, if if you're the person who says, you know,
that irrevocable consent, you know,
is is something to them, then maybe it's not
the person you want to be with.
And and that may be absolutely true if
that's something that is not for you.
But that made me think
years ago when I first came into the community, um,
there were people who heartfelt believed
that you should never have feelings.
- Oh god. Yeah. - For, for for your submissive. Yeah.
I remember having, having feelings then jade's your,
um, I need a word decision making.
Your, your, your decision making in, you know, how to be a,
a strong dom or a good dominant, you know, sadist
- The one true way.
Yeah. Uhhuh , uhhuh .
- And, and not even necessarily one true way.
It it's just that they believe that feels you
- Can't be a good, right.
Yeah. That's a, that is a type of one truism.
'cause what does that say to every dom who's in love
with their submissive?
Yeah. It's just another, it's another way of getting
to the same thing of this is the quote Right.
Way. And that explains,
and some people may never come up against it these days,
but every once in a while I see it,
and I have seen it in the past where people will go, you're,
are you allowed to be in a relationship outside of DSS
with your, with, with this partner?
Are you allowed to get together outside of the scene?
And I think it comes from that sort of older way
of, of thinking there.
Prob I'm sure there are still pockets
of communities around the world
- That Yeah.
- Who still talk about that kind of thing. Right.
You know, and I think it's okay not to be in love
or not to have deep feelings,
but I would like you to have enough feelings
that you care about my humanity .
- Well, that, that is, that is, that is absolutely true.
That is absolutely true.
I mean, you know,
not everybody wants a relationship in that aspect.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, and some,
and there are people who do want a relationship.
Right. You know, combined with that.
So, you know, again, it's a matter of what you want. Mm-Hmm.
. And I think it, you know, the kind
of comes down to the same thing with this.
- So Yes. And I, and I agree and I agree.
I'm gonna, I'm trying to breathe.
So irrevocable consent really grinds my fucking gears.
If you couldn't tell , let's back up,
because I've based, I've tried to define blanket consent.
Consent is negotiated once and then assumed from there.
Safe words are, it's not always, not everyone,
but in general it's limited use.
Like, like you and I can be having a conversation
and you could suggest something
and I might immediately know it's a hard no.
And I'll go red. Right.
and I And I'm sure that that's, you know,
it's a tongue in cheek of Okay.
That's not what we actually meant.
Um, I know there are some people who will,
who will safe word in an argument, who will safe word.
Mm-Hmm. just when they get a,
not when they are at the end of their limit,
or they're like worried about, you know, harm being done,
but like, they just, they want this moment to stop
and everybody has the right to do that.
Y'all, first of all.
But I, my understanding from this part
of blanket consent then, that I've recently learned about,
is that that would be non-existent to completely rare
to just have be uncomfortable.
Mm-Hmm. and, and safe word out.
Now, me personally, I cannot think of the last time that
not hard limit, not fear, not pain.
Not everything's going horribly wrong.
What the fuck is wrong? Mm-Hmm. . Not that,
but like, I am uncomfortable with
what we're doing right now, and I'm,
I'm uncertain or uncomfortable.
I cannot remember the last time I safe word for that.
If you safe word for that. That is, okay,
let me reiterate that.
So that's another place where I go, okay,
maybe we do more blanket consent than I realized.
Yeah. Then I get to the whole, um, it's, you know,
under blanket consent,
submiss submissive tend to have fewer limits.
And I'm like, okay, no, I don't count here
because I don't, I don't,
I have plenty of limits.
And sometimes I think, wow, I have a lot of limits.
, you are allowed to do these things,
but only on Tuesday under the full moon,
when Saturn is in the sky
or something. You know what I mean?
- . Yeah. Like, - And I, I definitely know
that there are plenty of sters who are like, nah,
I don't want a partner that's
so narrow in what they will allow.
Mm-Hmm. that, like we've talked about in the
past, we don't play to the edge of my boundaries.
Mm-Hmm. . It's a, here are my boundaries.
They're a fence. You try to play within the center of it.
Right. 'cause we're not actually
trying to get me to safe word.
We're trying Mm-Hmm. for everybody
to have a good time together.
Right. Not just you to have a good time.
For me to have a good time.
Doesn't mean you don't push me sometimes. Definitely pushes.
We're like on the western side of the gate,
next, next to the fence.
We're real close to the
fence, but we didn't touch it .
And sometimes we're dead in the center.
And those are the ones I like.
Um, , I don't know if that metaphor makes any sense.
I can see it in my head. Uh, it's okay if you can't.
Um, so that's why I kinda think, well,
maybe we do a little bit of blanket consent.
We just haven't talked about it that way. Mm-Hmm.
. We just haven't thought about it that way.
But what do you think about just the idea
of blanket consent?
We'll come back. We're not talking about irrevocable.
That one just pisses me off. Um,
just the idea of blanket consent,
- The idea of blanket consent in a sense doesn't bother me.
Um, I don't really find anything upsetting
about it. Well, no, but I
- Mean, I mean, what do you think about it for us?
Mm-Hmm. ? Like, do you think that we follow
under it and or do you have any thoughts of like, oh,
people should be concerned about this,
they should watch out for that.
That's where my mind goes. Yeah.
- I mean, do I think we fall under it?
I I think we do a little bit to a certain extent
with some of the things that we do.
Um, and you're right. It wasn't something we negotiated.
I think it was just something that kind of developed
as our, our dss
- Right.
Because I think developed, it goes back to the trust
and the vulnerability we've had
that we know each other well enough.
Very rarely, excuse me.
Very rarely do we surprise each other within our
power exchange in general.
And when we do, it's almost never like a negative surprise.
Like, what the fuck just happened here? Mm-Hmm.
, we're both pretty solid
and stable in what we already do.
What we already want. How we already are with one another.
So one that doesn't, that means for us, you don't have
to constantly go, are you good with this?
Are you good with this? Mm-Hmm. , you know,
you might check in during scenes
where there's sure sensation going on
and we're, we're playing on the edge of the fence there.
Mm-Hmm. . But in general, you don't,
you don't have to ask me, Hey, is this okay with you?
Hey, does this work for you?
Because, you know, at this point, right. Yeah.
And I, that makes me wonder if, um,
more long-term couples get to some level of blanket consent.
Mm-Hmm. without ever realizing it.
Because it's like, yeah, I know who you are.
You've consented to this. Mm-Hmm. .
I also, and I think to me, this is
where things like blanket terms, like blanket
and consent make me a little nervous when they're not,
when the, the definition is a little shaky.
Wibbly wobbly. Mm-Hmm. .
Because at no point in the discussion
that I've heard about blanket consent, to be fair,
it's been not been that many.
Right? Mm-Hmm. . Is it like, yeah,
but I'm definitely gonna safe word.
Like the thing that made my eyebrows go is
that safe words are sometimes are, if they're used,
it's really only in true emergencies.
Yeah. That's fine.
I know that there are people who play like that, right?
Mm-Hmm. . And that, that's fine. That's fine.
I'm not, I don't, I care what you do.
'cause I want everybody to be happy, healthy,
and, you know, whatever.
Sure. But also I don't care 'cause it's your life. Do it.
But when I think about it, like if somebody were
to ask me about it, I'm gonna be like,
but shit can come up that you didn't expect.
Even after all this time, shit can come up.
I mean, it's, it's rare Yeah. When it happens.
But if I need to let you know that, you know, hey, I,
we will get to free use in a minute,
but like blanket consent would, would include free use.
Free use. Mm-Hmm. to me would be kind
of together with it.
Another whatever. Be like, okay, well yeah, uh,
you have my blanket consent to fuck me,
but I am spewing vomit and shit.
It's coming out both ends. Or I, I'm, I don't wanna do this.
Are you sure you wanna do this?
Like, I'm gonna have that conversation.
I think most people, most dumbs who get to a level
where they can do blanket consent are gonna go, wow.
Uh, my partner's leaking from both ends.
, I don't find that in any way Interesting.
And don't like to break my toys. So therefore Yeah.
They, I'm not gonna put them in a position Mm-Hmm.
to have to like revoke consent.
And maybe that's it. Maybe that's the thing
that the missing piece that for long-term relationships
that get to blanket consent in some form, it's not
that there's no safe word to use, it's
that they are not gonna put their partner in a position
where they need to, you know?
Do I think that would happen with all people
in all those situations?
Of course not. Mm-Hmm. .
But I would think that maybe, I would like
to believe the optimist to me would like to believe
that if you're that long term Mm-Hmm.
to get to that point and the trust is there
and it's a healthy relationship that the reason that this,
the, uh, safe word isn't used often is not
because the submissive partner can't,
or the dominant, let's be real.
Mm-Hmm. . But because they don't need to. Yeah.
I mean, do you find it sexy
to fuck me senseless when I'm like coughing up along sn
snotty little nose and my eyes are red roomed .
Right. . Do you, do you think
that I would consent to that?
No. Right. So would you place that demand on me?
No. No. So then I don't need to safe word out. Mm-Hmm.
, I don't need to, to withdraw my consent.
I wonder if that is more the air quote this
'cause nothing's normal, but more the norm.
Mm-Hmm. In those kinds of situations.
It's not that people don't have the safe word, it's
that they don't need it.
- Need it. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, we, we haven't really used
a safe word in a long time.
You and I. Mm-Hmm.
- . Mm-Hmm. - . Now when we are
playing, you know, doing some kind of play, I do check in
with you and ask you for a color.
- Yes. Yes. I mean, part of it is we're outside of our
normal whatever, there's lots going on.
Mm-Hmm. we're doing new st Like
there's all kinds of Yeah. Yeah. I could see that.
- So, you know, I, I do that.
But yeah, as far as far
as the safe word, no, we haven't really.
Yeah, go ahead. Let her in.
And, um, you know, a again, that, that kind
of goes back to what you were saying earlier, that you know,
we, we know, I know your limits and we play within that.
- Right. And I can trust you to do that.
I don't have to be on guard. Mm-Hmm.
, I don't remember really being on
guard in the beginning.
Partly because you were, I mean,
you were constantly checking in, so there was no, you know.
Yeah. I didn't have to question whether you,
you knew anything you would ask me directly.
And then we got to a point where you didn't have to check in
and I didn't need you to, because I try, that goes back
to the whole blanket consent as a relationship style.
Like a a an overall guiding light to the relationship.
Mm-Hmm. The power exchange is absolutely an advanced
level kind of thing.
Rah points out in live chat that when you don't, you get
to a point, you don't have to ask for permission for hugs
and kisses from a partner that's blanket consent.
True. And that is the thing you get
to faster than in your relationship.
I just take care of everything as the dumb mm-Hmm.
, you don't say for it
unless it's a medical emergency.
Your limits are, you know, whatever. Yeah.
Like, I think these are levels to this thing.
And I think a lot of people in relationships get
to some level of blanket consent
because you've got things like, I don't have
to ask you if I can hold your hand.
I don't have to ask you if I can do this thing for you.
Mm-Hmm. , I don't, you know, you don't have
to ask if you can touch me.
True. Like we are way past that point. Yes. I agree.
That is a form of blanket consent.
The part where it makes my mind just,
there's like tires screeching in my brain.
is when we're talk, talking about it,
is the overarching guiding light
of the entire power exchange.
Well, now I have questions, . Yeah.
Now I have questions.
And again, I'm sure there are people who can make it work
and probab and, and likely do.
But I still think that there's gonna be some realism,
um, that has to factor in.
There's gonna be a time,
like the weirdest fucking thing ever happens
that you couldn't have prepared for.
There's gonna be a time when your part, the dom who
sees all, knows all, doesn't see all
and know all, you know me very well.
You can at this point kind of tell
what I'm thinking from across the room based
on my facial expression.
That doesn't mean that there aren't moments
where you don't see my face or Mm-Hmm.
, you know, I don't communicate in my typical
ways that something has gone wrong
and I have to be explicit about it.
Right. To put the total burden on you to always just know
I will, I don't think I'll ever think is fair.
I'm way too anxious for our entire relationship
to be blanket consent.
'cause my brain goes immediately to the what ifs. Of course.
What, what if this happens and he doesn't see it? Mm-Hmm.
. What if that happens?
What if something goes wrong with him?
But he doesn't get a chance to tell me what if like,
I mm-Hmm mm-Hmm.
I trust you completely.
But I'm way too anxious.
I'm way too realistic to go,
but that doesn't mean that weird shit won't happen.
And what am I gonna do if it does? You know what I mean?
So maybe for some, not all, some people who are drawn
to blanket consent, there might be the need for a bit
of suspend.
They gotta suspend disbelief a little bit
and go Yes, blanket consent.
I very rarely use my safe word.
I don't really have that many limits.
We're at that point, I don't have to,
we don't have to talk about this all the time.
But also I'm very aware
that there could be the extenuating circumstance
and then yes, this withdrawing consent.
Is there safe word's there?
I'm gonna put a new place, a new limit if I need to.
It's just, maybe it's just that, it's the understanding that
most times in most situations, yes, blanket consent.
Mm-hmm. . But weird should happens.
And in long term relationships, mature relationships
where you kind of, you, you bend through it together
and survived to get out to the other end
and still like one another.
. I think that's, I mean, I, I get a sense from a,
you know, from people I know from us.
I think that's kind of just how you
get to, it's like, yeah, we're good.
We don't have to talk about this all the time.
We'll talk about it when we need to, you know, but yeah.
You got, you got blanket consent.
But I'll, I'll throw a flag up
if something weird fucking happens.
I, you know, . Yeah.
I don't, I,
and I don't, I feel like we're, I'm still too new
to be able to say this.
I'm, but the thought is there is it that
I don't, I I would never say
that long-term relationships lose intensity completely.
I would never make that kind of statement.
The intensity, the passion, the intensity for one another.
The intensity for how you feel about what you're doing.
The role. Like, I think that that can, that can remain.
I do think that over time people tend to relax
because it becomes like just your normal thing.
Mm-Hmm. . But I wonder if
it is not just my experience
and other people, people have this too, where the intensity
of, let me look deep into your eyes
and make sure everything is okay.
And we're gonna go through our five point plan
to make sure we have total consent.
Like, I, I think that
after a while, I think people calm down
is what I'm trying to say.
Yeah. Yeah. I think what that means is unique to all of us.
I think the amount of time it takes you to get
away from some of the intensity of early beginnings
of a relationship or early days in kink takes a different
amount of time for everybody.
I think it is ba it's relationship to relationship.
Like I, I think all of that, I think all
of the nuance things, but I think there might be some truth
for some of us, myself included, that the,
the focus and the, okay, are we communicating fully?
Are we fully understood? Mm-Hmm. Have we got full consent?
We remember our safe order like that.
Just like it's there, but it's the background now. Yeah.
It's the, it's the muscle memory of the relationship.
I don't have to be that intense.
I don't, I don't
like it's that serious.
And it is not that serious
because it's just a part, it's like breathing at this point.
This is a part of what we do. Yeah. Um, and it's understood.
And I think that's where parts
of blanket consent maybe come in as well.
Are you doing okay over there? ?
I think you got yourself too warm and cozy. . Yeah.
- . Now I'm getting comfortable.
- Yeah. Uh, podcast listeners. You can't see it.
He tried real hard to be subtle,
but that was a big old yawn. .
- . - And then I made you cough. Yeah. Okay.
So I would say blanket consent is probably more common in
long-term relationships than people realize.
Yeah. But I don't think, I think that people
who go full in their entire dynamic is all blanket consent.
I think they're the exceptions. Not the rule is what Mm-Hmm.
. I'm, I'm imagining. So, uh, let's go
to the one that we have kind of talked about.
We just used a different term. Mm-Hmm. .
And actually, I wanna expand on it
because Evie came in with the actual good nuance
of, it's not just this.
And that was the thing
that we did not talk about when we talked about
sexual availability last time.
And that is free use the kink definition.
Side note slash caveat.
Apparently there is a vanilla definition.
Thank you Evie, for teaching me this. Excuse me.
That has to do with this sort of fantasy
that you might see in erotica, you might see in porn,
you might see in like media of some sort
and even online communities that build this fantasy,
a vanilla use of free use where sex is universal
and it is as common as shaking somebody's hand.
And, and ,
apparently she went down like some
rabbit holes of learning what this is.
I did not want to drag that into this.
And it's not our wheelhouse.
Another good reason to go watch Evie's video ,
because I was like, this is sort of fascinating.
And also, no, no, that kind of free use concept.
Uh, I'm not down for not part of my fantasy .
So we're gonna talk about the kink version of for use.
Now, when I went to double check myself with, okay,
how are people using for use?
What does it mean? Overwhelmingly the definition was similar
to the way we say sexual a availability.
Mm-Hmm. . It is being sexually available
to a partner.
They can use you sexually
whenever the fuck they feel like and
- Time point. Yeah.
- Right? And we technically have that.
And also I married a mature fucking adult
who goes, you know what?
She's leaking from both ends.
That's, I don't find that particularly sexy .
And she's not going to enjoy that. So therefore Mm-Hmm.
. But he's also the guy that's like, well,
I woke up with a woody
and yeah, she's over there snoring, but we gonna get this going.
And then proceeds to pour accidentally the
cold lube all over me.
, I was definitely awake after that.
I was not, not not
cranky, let's just put it that way.
. . But he, he got what he needed
and that Woody did not go to waste .
Um, I think that is the,
a very common understanding of free use.
Mm-Hmm. . But thank you Evie,
for like breaking it down, adding nuance,
talking about it from a kink perspective that then,
you know, we can talk about from a power
exchange specific perspective.
Um, and that is okay.
It's, and what Evie said is she feels like it's separate
from blanket consent.
Mm-Hmm. . And the difference is
subtle, but they're two separate things.
And I think we, you can decide individually if you think
that or not, consent is assumed after initial negotiations.
Meaning there are the negotiations. Yeah.
Here are my limits, here are the things it
won't do here, blah, blah, blah.
After that, anything the dom wants to do,
whether it's been previously discussed
or not, it is assumed they have consent for them.
And the most , oh,
he made a little face there .
And yes, I think the most common understanding of
that is sexually, but in kink, of course, it doesn't have
to be sexually, it can be for hall kinds of things.
Yeah. Um,
- I, I think, I guess that that sigh comes in
because I don't like the word assumed.
- Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
. Yep. I, I agree.
Let, let me keep going through this
more better understanding thing to e free use is sort
of the, and we've heard this,
we usually hear this from the posers,
the abusers, the predators.
Mm-Hmm. . But this is like
apparently a relationship style.
A submissive is meant to do whatever the dom wants
because the submissive belongs to the dom.
Now I know plenty of subs
and doms who find the whole belonging thing,
whether you do the owner slave thing
or not, they find that very appealing.
They find it sexy, they find it like that's what they want.
They want to belong to somebody. I want to belong to you.
We don't really use that relationship, that relationship,
that language, that term Yeah.
In our relationship. But you're mine. And I'm yours.
But that can be true in any dynamic .
But in this dynamic it is
because you belong to me.
I can literally do whatever I want.
Now, I would hope that is
with the maybe unspoken understanding of within the,
the boundaries we previously negotiated and discussed.
But my question is,
'cause I have, I didn't really,
I don't think I've really seen it explained is
what, how do you adjust?
I gave you my boundaries limits on day one when I was fresh
faced, little submissive who thought she knew shit
and didn't know nothing .
But now we're two years in and shit has changed for me.
. You know what I mean? The things I used to be kind
of interested in, not interested in the things I thought
were off limits might be on.
Like the thing, I don't, I didn't really hear it,
I didn't hear it discussed in blanket consent.
I didn't hear it discussed in free use is
how the fuck do you renegotiate if every moment
of every day the dom just gets, assumes they have consent
or gets to, they have the consent
so they just do what they want. Mm-Hmm. .
- Now that I think that goes into the, um,
realm of, um, something you mentioned earlier
that there are some people who have a safe word.
Mm-Hmm. . When certain things get too
intense in their dss, they have a safe word.
The DS ends, they step out of the, out of that Mm-Hmm.
. And, and they talk and they negotiate
and maybe, you know, and, and go from there.
Um, there is was someone I knew years ago that had
a, once their partner signed on to be their sub,
they, they were there to do whatever
they were told to do. I'm too
- Anxious for that. I'm too anxious
- For that .
And, and their, their, their safe, um, their
safety net so to speak, was they ag prior to this.
And as part of their negotiation, they agreed
to a particular person
who would be a third party negotiator.
- Right. They have a mediator. Yeah.
When something goes down. Right.
I guess I think the part that,
and again, maybe it's, it's an, it's free use is better for
longer term relationships where the trust is solid.
Right. And you know, one another really well,
that is the part that I just, I struggle with the
how do we renegotiate?
Because when I hear,
and again, hearing somebody talk about it from a fantasy
point of view is so much different than
the, the lived reality.
Right. And the lived reality tells me in my lived reality
means I know shit will change.
Mm-Hmm. , your body will change,
your mental health will change.
Your outlook on things will change your desire,
- Your physical health changes,
- Everything changes at some point.
And what I don't feel like I've, I've heard discussed
that I heard discussed even in that pairing
that we were at the workshop and learned about.
Mm. And in other places is, okay,
but are you prepared for shit to change?
And is it gonna be some sort of unpleasant shock when I have
to go to my mediator and go, yeah, things have changed me.
I need to renegotiate.
Like I I'm imagining that the happy,
healthy, responsible sters
who partake in any of this Absolutely.
Have those fail safes in place. Mm-Hmm. .
Because just to, uh, you know,
and a five word definition
of something never encompasses all of the nuances.
And I think true, the, the kinks who are trying to be
risk aware and to think
of safety are gonna have that in place.
But I think too often,
because that part never seems
to get fucking discussed the reality of that.
Yeah. 'cause it's not sexy and we can't airbrush it in black
and white and put it on Tumblr.
Mm-Hmm. that part doesn't get discussed.
So people come into it and they go, oh, well I'm the dom.
I get to do what I want. 'cause we do practice free use.
Yeah. And like, but where's the conversation?
That shit will change because the people we are,
when we start the relationship,
and maybe we don't have kids yet,
maybe we don't have a stressful job right now.
Yeah. Maybe we're not living together
and hearing each other shit in the bathroom.
Like it's a different life once you get to that point.
Right. Like once you know
what your partner sounds like in their grossest moments,
their most human, but their grossest moments.
And I'm not saying JB is the only one here
that has his grossest moments.
So do I I just feel like,
like blinders need to come off at that point.
And we have to go, oh, we are full messy human beings
and that means that this thing that we've started with
that's working for us for now,
or worked for us, then w it's gonna change because Sure.
It ain't the fantasy anymore.
, once you can hear the snotty sounds your partner
makes, I say that it's a partner who makes snotty sounds.
I'm, this is not me poking at jb.
This is just, let's be fucking real here. Right.
So free use sounds in a healthy dynamic sounds great.
But where's, where's your, your safety Yeah. Cord.
Like ring the bell, right? Mm-Hmm.
like, Hey, you can do what you want,
but I need us to reconstruct
what it is you can do that you want.
Right. Here's some things I've discovered about myself.
Here's some things we've gone through.
Here's some things that happen when we're in that situation.
And I don't think that's healthy for me. Mm-Hmm.
. And that's, I think
that's the reason I wanna talk about this, is not to go,
here's what free use means.
It's like, yeah, but let's get fucking real with it.
, I don't know what free use means outside
of sexual availability.
And I think that, again,
that is the most common usage of that term.
And what I know is that it's on paper free use.
I am always sexually available to him.
But let me put an asterisk
and we're gonna do a footnote at the,
at the bottom footnote, if I have a migraine
and I communicate that he is not fucking me.
If I am deathly ill, he's not fucking me.
If my, and now again, I have to communicate these things.
If my stomach hurts Mm-Hmm.
and I am bloated
and gassy, nobody wants to fuck me.
Yeah. Okay. like, like the
sexual availability all the time.
Whenever your dom wants it, except
here's the fucking reality.
- Yeah. - Or outside
of sexual availability, whatever the dom wants.
Well that's fine. If the dom is trustworthy. True.
If the dom is true sensible,
and it's like, okay, yeah, I'm gonna be a real asshole ass
person and go, okay.
The fantasy is I want my partner crawling
through the living room to me on their knees
with just their collar on naked, naked neck and neck.
That, and they will do it 'cause I said so
and they wanna please me.
Reality is we have children at home from this time to
that time, and they will not go to bed until this time.
And hey, if they're of a certain age,
they will most certainly wake up
and come running through the house.
And so I want that thing as the the dom,
but I can't fucking have that thing right now.
When I can't have that thing, I will have that thing
and maybe I'll talk to my partner about it and tease him
and like, you know,
get 'em gassed up about it, woo, woo woo.
And then the moment we are like, fucking kid free
for 30 seconds, I can have the thing I want that
is fucking realistic.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Let's take it on.
Not everybody's a parent. Not
everybody wants to be a parent.
More power to you. I think that's great.
Know who you are and like fucking honor it. Okay.
We don't have kids, we can do that. Oh shit.
My partner slipped on an icy
staircase coming in the house earlier.
They can't crawl for shit. Yeah. I want it. Mm-Hmm. Yeah.
I want it, it turns me the fuck on 'em.
Been thinking about it all day. However,
what's in the best interest of my sub is they sit their ass
down and elevate that fucking leg.
Right. Right. You know what I mean? Like, that's the reality
when we're talking about healthy partners,
that doesn't get fucking discussed.
And I know I'm boring by making you think
of the non-sexy parts of it.
I get it. But if all we talk about is the fantasy,
then when somebody's like, oh, hi, I have
to, I can't do that.
Yeah. For you. You can tell me what to do and I'll do it,
but I physically can't do it,
then they think they're a fucking failure.
They've done free use wrong.
Or somebody on the internet's gonna tell 'em,
that's not real free use that you allowed
reality to enter the fantasy. You know? I mean,
- Fuck. Yeah.
- Sorry, I, I'm hot now.
, I'm just wearing a sports bra under this,
so I'm not gonna take it off.
But I do want to .
I think I raised my own blood pressure.
- I think you did. I think you did.
And you know, I, I think it comes down to
whichever one you're, you're,
you're looking at whether it's, it's the, uh, blanket
or, or free use.
Um, you know, again, they are not, they are terms,
they are not something written in stone.
- Yes. And I want everybody to remember that
- And, and you know, you can do with it
what you, what you will.
Yes. All right. Yes.
Um, you know, you can have one thing
under the blanket, you know, under free use and,
and just do that and that that's all that it is to you.
Or you can go all in. Mm-Hmm. ,
- As long as you understand that
reality will invade at some point.
Sure. You can go all in and it can work until it doesn't.
And then you have to be willing to adjust.
You have to understand that needing
to adjust is not a failing on anybody's part.
Right. No. It doesn't mean that your blanket consent,
free use, whatever dynamic you've got going is
invalid or not real.
Or the internet said
this is what it's supposed to be .
But I can't make that happen. Well, the internet is
frequently wrong, so,
and I recognize that we are on the internet,
and so you can think that we are frequently wrong.
It's fine. I, I understand what I'm saying, ,
you know, but I think it's the Yeah.
The part that gets me is when we start talking about these
terms, and not that Evie did, Evie was trying
to show all these nuances,
but my brain was immediately going to
how it would be put into practice by many, well-meaning,
but not experienced people yet.
And the, the, the, I lost my, the train,
the train went off the tracks.
You know, people think of it as these terms
where it's set in stone what it means.
Mm-Hmm. . And so then
that's how people talk about on the internet.
Well, it's this thing and if you're not
doing this thing, you're not really doing it.
Right. That will always, always piss me off
because we just know that's not true.
And so when somebody is talking about free use,
blanket consent, pick one, pick one, pick one as a thing
that they're interested in exploring
or they're trying to educate others
who are interested in exploring. Mm-Hmm.
- , - I think it's important to do that
with nuance.
That's what I was saying. Not that Evie didn't,
Evie definitely did, but to go Okay.
This is the ideal, in your ideal world
where nothing ever goes wrong, what would this look like?
Okay. That's where we start.
Now, let's have real life grownup conversations about what
- We do - When shit doesn't go according to plan.
Mm-Hmm. . Because now this is me
and I, I handle things my way.
You'll handle things your way. But if you were to come to me
and go, I want a free use DSS relationship, that's
what I wanna change our dynamic to that freeze.
Mm-Hmm. , you belong to me.
You do what I say when consent in any situation is assumed I
can do what I want with you, you belong to me.
Right. And we flirt with that language.
You, you know, say don't break your toys, and you mean me.
You don't mean your fogger. Right. Right.
, we flirt with that language.
I need to, before I can agree to it, I need to be able
to go, okay, can you, do you know my limits?
Mm-Hmm. , what do we do when you ask me
to do something that puts my health in danger,
that triggers a, a psychological moment.
Right? Mm-Hmm. like,
what, what is the plan for that?
How do I communicate to you where I'm at?
So you make choices
and demands that keep me healthy and whole.
Right. And, you know,
I think I would imagine long-term
sters who have had either plenty of relationships
or there's plenty of experience, will be more likely
to ask those kinds of questions
or lead the conversation in that place of, okay, we, we can,
I can go here, but what do we do when things go wrong?
, it is the folks who maybe saw one TikTok
about free use.
I'm like, yeah, sure. That sounds hot. That, you know.
Am I, am I trying, trying to warn? Yeah.
Also, I'm trying to validate anybody who's ever been like,
I would like for use,
but also, you know, I, I've got too many concerns.
I, I don't trust my partner enough yet.
I don't trust anybody enough yet.
Like, it sounds hot to me,
or we tried it and it didn't work.
Well, did it not work because it wasn't right for you?
Or did it not work because it didn't match the fantasy?
Because there is a reality that we all have to contend
with every moment of every fucking day,
like , you know?
And hopefully more often than not, reality,
just like ticks along
and you can do your hot, erotic, kinky whatever,
whatever thing, and live that life and it won't intrude.
But anybody who has lived top side for, you know,
enough years for your brain to have fully Yeah.
Developed, knows that something's gonna go wrong.
- I mean, then, and, and that
- At some point of eventually, - And that is a fact.
And, and that may be something that is
already in the negotiations.
What happens, you know, in life.
- And that would be the thing. I'm, I guess I'm trying to
angrily impart in a, in a nonsensical rant.
It's not that these things are invalid.
Blanket consent is not invalid. Free use is not invalid.
It is not, quote, a wrong way
to do a power exchange or kink in general.
I would never say that.
I just think that to have the best chance of success,
you've got to have the grownup conversations about.
But what about when something goes wrong? Yeah.
And for subs out there who are, who are trying,
having conversations with D types,
if they can't admit anything will go wrong, I want you
to fucking run.
Yeah. And run until they can't admit shit goes wrong.
- Run for the hills. - Because that's the whole point
of doing any risk mitigation in kink is acknowledging
that something will go wrong at some point.
Something can, and doesn't matter how well trained you are,
doesn't matter how much experience you have.
Mm-Hmm. . It's just,
it's just the nature of life.
Something will go wrong. Sometimes it'll be human error.
Sometimes it'll just be the fates
we're not your friend that day.
Like, I don't know what it'll be, but it'll be something.
And it's not always malicious.
And I think that's part of the thing too. Insecure doms.
Okay. They're not necessarily bad,
they're not unhealthy necessarily.
They can be insecure.
Doms in my experience, cannot handle being questioned about
what you going do when it goes wrong.
I cringe
and get a little nauseous every time I see some dom dom
somewhere on the internet not usually talking to me.
I'm lurking and observing conversations Yeah.
Is how I learn everything. I know.
Uh, will say things like, well,
I'm not going to make a mistake.
You are a dumb ass because the secure dom is gonna go Yeah.
Something could, something could go wrong.
I'm gonna do my best not to let it
- Happen.
I'm, I'm gonna do my best
to prevent anything from happening.
But,
- And I'm sure the type of dom
who would say they can never do no wrong is not just an
insecure dom, but there is insecurity there if, if you have
to like, yell that loudly that you don't make mistakes.
Like that's just projection baby. Yeah. You know?
- Yeah. . - Yeah.
I didn't know this would be that ranty.
Oh, let me add one thing to the free use conversation
for anybody who's maybe exploring it,
and I just wanna make sure we said it.
Mm-Hmm. Evie says it too.
And I want us to say it. Okay.
Uh, when, if you start talking about free use with a partner
and your negotiations, be very clear what you mean by
that in terms of, are you, is it just you and your dom?
I'm saying this is a sub. Is it just you, the two of you?
Mm-Hmm. . And the dom has free use
between the two of you?
Or, and I, I've read about it in erotica.
I didn't think about it in real life.
Or is it the dom can loan you out
and put you in situations with friends with not friends,
just people that they arrange things with.
Right. Can they share you?
Um, because that's an another definitely advanced level
, uh, free use situation there.
Mm-Hmm. . Ooh. That, that's not beginner.
That's not intermediate. Y'all .
That is the PhD level kink experience
to be shared by a partner.
Mm-Hmm. . And to have full faith
that they will listen to you if something goes wrong.
Mm-Hmm. , they're paying enough attention
to try to manage well, things go wrong.
And did they pick safe people for you to be around?
You could. I mean, I find it really hot.
Actually, you could share me, but
before we get to that point,
this is why we don't do full free use.
'cause it'll never work. I got too many fucking questions.
. Okay. You, there are some things JB can just tell
me to do and I just do.
Right. Um, and when it comes to, to actual like sex
and sexual pleasure, free use all the way, baby is fine
because he's gonna pay attention and listen to my signals
and listen to me if I tell him something's wrong.
Mm-Hmm. . But if you just like, come up to me
and go, I'm gonna need you to do this thing that is so far
outside of your comfort zone.
I know that you're peeing a little bit right now just
thinking about it, that you're that nervous.
Uh, you know, I, I, I can't do free use and that
'cause I got too many fucking questions
and I'm gonna go, well, did you vet them?
Did you check this? Did I'm
gonna make you question yourself.
And are you a sane human being who knows how
to function in society?
Because I'm gonna be triple fucking checking.
That's why I know. I I'm not about that life.
Could we do a thing where you share me
and the fantasy is its free use,
but actually we sat down for four business days
and hammered out all the details. Yeah.
- . Yes. Yes.
- And I think that's another thing
to remember is you can play with the fantasy of a thing,
but like, and in the moment the fantasy is it's
free use completely.
Right. But in the background where things are real Mm-Hmm.
, you're like, but actually no,
we have a, a checklist here.
Okay. Right. And background checks for these people .
And also I've a place cameras everywhere
and I can watch this from like,
ain't nothing fucked up happening here.
And still something fucked up will happen.
'cause that's the nature of life. .
- Oh wow. - Okay.
That was the thing when I was looking at this definition
of free use of, you know, the sub belongs to the dom,
they can do whatever they want, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But their sub yada yada.
I was like, I mean, part of me is like, I, I'm,
I think I'd be okay with some level of that
beyond the way we use for use.
But then I'm like, but I just, I got too much
to say about shit.
Like , I got too many questions.
I got too many opinions.
As I stated earlier, I got a lot of fucking limits. ,
- just, huh.
- Anyway, I didn't,
I did not know I would find this, this one to be really
- Windy. I didn't need that. I didn't need
- That.
I should have known when I started off with
that whole irrevocable
consent thing. Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm . - When it just, the idea of,
it's something about it just, mm.
I, all of this, I can admit that there are people out there
who do it at the highest level possible
with the least amount of Yeah.
Safety protocols, whatever.
And they probably do it fine, but I still think they're
accept the exception of the rule.
- Here's, here's the thing. Yeah. It may be the deception
rule and but do you think,
and to me it sounds
a little too cut and dry to where, you know, you say, okay,
you know, once consent is withdrawn,
the relationship is over.
But, um, could that be in a sense
what keeps both in check
knowing that at any time if consent is broken,
this ends, it's
- Done, it's over.
I can only imagine that being a healthy thing.
If there are release valves built in of
I'm not withdrawing consent, but we need to shift.
Here's information you need to know to make wiser decisions.
I need you to know that I have broken my leg.
So crawling a happening Right.
like you, I think you need to know
that the dom is not a petulant toddler
who cannot fathom not getting their way.
Right. They are responsible. Mm-Hmm.
experienced dom. Right.
Who in my opinion, I'm not saying love,
I'm not saying romantic anything,
but probably cares more about their submissive
than they care about themselves.
Because the way you prevent somebody from not always,
'cause like, let me say I've said 10 million times shit
happens that you can't plan for the cramp,
the trigger, the, this, the that.
Like, that's not a sign
that anybody's done anything wrong
when something like that happens.
Mm-Hmm. . But in order to, in my opinion,
to agree to, the only way this ends is you
withdraw consent and everything's over.
Mm-Hmm. is, if there are things in place
to, you've got really responsible, experienced kinks.
But especially that dom, I think that dom needs
to care more about their submissive partner than they care
about their own wants and needs
many healthy at all levels of dominance.
Not even to that extent. Mm-Hmm.
, there are plenty of doms like that.
That's not an unusual characteristic.
But I think it, it's like, it's gotta be part
of the vetting process of are we really fucking doing this?
'cause if you as a submissive have any sliver of doubt
that this partner might care more about their pleasure than
they care about your health and safety.
Mm-Hmm. don't, don't. Yeah.
'cause you'll either be in a situation where you're torn
between your own and people are in non kink situations,
your own safety and the relationship.
And it's too, it's too easy for some people to go,
I am being mistreated and I am miserable,
but I don't wanna leave this situation and I don't Mm-Hmm.
mean specifically abusive, unsafe situations.
Yeah. I think that's a whole other animal.
But I could see somebody going, this isn't,
this isn't really what I want anymore.
This isn't working for me. Mm-Hmm.
, I don't really wanna do this anymore,
but I don't wanna not be with this person.
And they're literally faced with, if I withdraw my consent,
this is over, you know, straight to jail.
Do not pass, go. Do not collect $200. Do not. Yeah.
And I, I guess part of it for,
and it's a personal thing,
I don't deal in absolutes like that.
My brain is nothing but nuance. Okay.
I don't even know how to answer a yes
or no question that my child asks.
If I can think of any extenuating circumstance
where the answer might be maybe, or I don't know.
Yeah. Like I, there's too much fucking nuance.
There's too much. Well, it depends.
Well it, but in this situ, like ,
and I think that's what I don't like about something like
irrevocable consent and the mm-Hmm.
parts of parts of
top level blanket consent and top level.
When I say top level, I mean you are going all fucking in on
blanket consent and for you, and not just bits and pieces.
Right. I don't like anything
that doesn't leave room for nuance.
So the way we talk about these things at the ex,
when I say extreme, I don't mean extreme in a negative way,
but like at the end of the spectrum where there's no asking,
there's total, you know, Dom has total control
and doesn't even have to talk to their partner
before they make a decision.
Right. At that level.
I don't like, I don't like the absolutes in the way we talk
about that level because I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, but where's the emergency break?
Where's the break glass in emergency?
Where's my, my fire extinguisher? Mm-Hmm. .
What, where, where is the, the wiggle room?
And it is there, I have no doubt it exists in the healthiest
of relationships that practice these kinds of dynamics,
but we don't talk about it.
And so then the person who's starting to explore it,
that's not what they're thinking about.
Or they are thinking about it
and they're like, oh, well I clearly can't do free use
because here's my list of things I would need.
And that's not necessarily true. Mm-Hmm. .
That's all I'm saying. And there I went
on another five minute rant. You
- Did. You're welcome.
- Yeah. It's your, that one's your fault.
That one's your fault. .
So, uh, did we, did we get anything out
of this episode about blanket consent and for use?
Other than that, uh, Kayla is sometimes snotty and gassy.
I don't know. I don't know.
And also I worry too, a lot, too much, I don't know,
probably too much, but maybe not, uh,
and let me say at the end here,
like I said in the beginning, Mm-Hmm.
, you can define these
terms any way that suits you.
If you are following these practices
and you're doing these things and you're dynamic,
I'm not telling you you shouldn't be doing them.
I will say, Hey, what, what's your safety valve?
Like, what, what's your emergency
- Thing? I know. Like, how do you
- Handle that?
- It, it's not for everyone, but,
- You know, but Right.
But I would also never say, nobody can ever do that.
Like, I don't know your fucking life.
Like, do what you think will work for you. Mm-Hmm.
. And just remember, it's a grand experiment.
So if it doesn't work for you, you can like change decisions
and paths and do something different.
But like, I don't wanna talk about these things in absolutes
because that's, it's not real life.
- True. True. - And so I'm just asking y'all
to worry at like 10% of my level
and I think the world would be safer.
I think I worry way too much.
Nobody should worry at my a hundred percent. No, no, no.
Don't do that. . But it was just 10%
of this level of worry.
I think people would be safer. . Yeah.
- Oh goodness. Okay. Alright.
- Okay. Alright. Can I keep going and be ridiculous?
Of course you can. Of course I can. But should we stop?
- Probably Yes. - So we're gonna have a bonus section.
Hopefully I don't rant through that.
My throat's starting to hurt. The coffee's gone.
I don't know what's gonna happen now. Uhoh.
Um, and our chat and live chat disconnected.
I don't know what happened there. Uhoh.
Um, so yeah, we'll go into a bonus section now. Okay.
- So are we good? - I don't know.
- Keep it, keep kinky y'all - And we'll see you next week.
- Yes, baby girl. - Can we talk to the crickets?
- Hmm hmm.
Okay, go ahead.
- It would be easier if I just got your,
if we just did blanket consent over this
and it was just understood. No.
- Or you gimme free
- Use No.
Of the bonus section. No. To do with as I will. No .
- Nope. Not happening kid. I had to try not happening.
I had to try.
- I had to try. Okay,
so bonus section is your dog outside?
Yes. I hear tippy taps with little, little fetes
- Probably in, she's laying in the rock
rocks probably laying in the rocks. Rocks
- The sunning herself.
Mm-Hmm. , uh,
it's probably the warmest area out
there, quite frankly, right? Um,
- Between the rocks and the wall of the house. Yeah. The
- Best.
And where the sun is like, oh, nope. There she is a wooing.
Oh, I was gonna ask you a question.
And now you're not near a microphone, so I can't ask.
It was not an important question.
It was a, uh, time filler conversation, filler question.
But I still wanna ask it
because I know I do most of the talking around here.
Okay. And I like to give you opportunities to speak,
- Ask away what - You got for the bonus section.
- , - I amuse me, you
- Go through all that shit to ask me
if you can talk to the crickets.
And then all you do is turn around
and say, well, what have you got ?
- Actually, if you paid close attention, I said,
can we talk to the crickets?
That's true. So meaner, meaner, .
- Um, I've just been busy, busy
with the shop trying to restock.
- I know. I've been helping you
- And you have and,
and restocking has been going very well because of
- That.
Yes. But I'm impatient. I wanted
to go faster, but I know I can't.
'cause if, if I burn you out in January,
man, it's a long year
- .
Right? Thank you very much.
I'm, I'm glad you, uh, don't wanna break your toys.
- . No. Okay. You're not my toy .
I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm your toy. No.
. No,
- No, - No.
- Then, uh, okay, then then you,
you don't wanna break your toy keeper.
- Okay. Maybe a little bit better
- - Maybe.
- Hmm. - So yeah, you've been working. Mm-Hmm.
I've been working.
We've been getting stuffed together. Yeah.
Now I will say the, uh, the downside
to actually taking the full two weeks off of our break
and not planning out the next year during
that time is I have been racing to get it all done.
. And it's why the Etsy sale did not start until
I think January 8th is when ,
I had it go live is when I had the idea for it. And I'm
- Better late than never. Right.
- And I'm getting the Patreon membership drive together,
which we'll talk about next week.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, and it's like bits and pieces
and it seems like to never be like,
I can't seem to just get it all
together. completely.
- Yeah. And
- Mm-Hmm.
. Yeah. So yeah, we've been busy.
Which is not a bad thing.
Um, yeah.
- Mm-Hmm. - . But other than
that, I ain't, I ain't got nothing.
- Yeah. No. I've been, um, been, uh, busy, like I say.
And I've also been, when I can plopping in front of the tv.
- Yes. You've been doing a much
better job of that than I have.
- You know? Um, been wa binge watching some
new sci sci-fi ish movies
that have dropped on Netflix and Mm-Hmm.
and whatnot. Mm-Hmm.
and, uh, what else?
Spinning. Spinning my records
and listening to my records sometimes at night
and just chilling out some music.
Although I have determined I need a new stylist. for
- The fucker player.
Yeah. We talked about that last,
did we talk about that last week? I
- Can't remember last week.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yep.
So, um, trying to hold out to next month
that I can get a new stylist.
Oddly enough, um, the turntable I have,
even though it was made in 1978, it's,
- It's older than I am.
- It, it's still popular enough
that they still make mm-Hmm.
replacement stylus for the original cartridge.
Mm-Hmm. . I find that mind boggling.
Now you cannot get, as far as I can tell,
I've not been able, you cannot get a cartridge for it.
It would have to be a replacement.
- And what's the
cartridge? I don't know enough about this stuff.
- Um, the cartridge is what the needle goes into. Okay.
And then it takes all those stuff
that the needle's picking up
and translates it into what will become music.
- Oh, okay. Okay.
Oh, see, learn, learn new things every day.
- Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . So yeah.
Next, next month, my, uh, goal is to get new stylists
forward and, and get that, that going.
Um, it's the original stylus. . Yeah.
- I think you said that last week.
- Yeah, I was, yeah, I was
when I was telling you about that.
Yeah. So, um, I I think it's well overdue
to be replaced at this
- Point.
Yeah. I think, uh, ,
the money's has been gotten the
worth has been gotten out of that.
I think it's, it's done its job. Mm-Hmm. .
Mm-Hmm. . It's time to let it rest.
At least that part. That piece. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yep,
- Yep, yep.
- Yeah. Uh, I've been fighting
with insurance companies and doctor's offices.
That's been my life.
- You have been, you have been.
- I've mo you know, I say that I'm working a lot and busy
and I am, but it's like I'm doing half days, like half day,
half the day recently has been doctor's appointments
with the kid, school stuff with the kid,
whatever the kid needs, which is fine.
And then it's like, but I got a fit a,
a full-time plus job around it.
'cause when you work for yourself is,
it's not 40 hours a week, y'all .
It's 80 to a hundred easily. Yeah.
Like, I consider it a good week if we're like 50, 60 hours.
I'm like, okay, this is a good week .
This is a relaxing week .
Um, but yeah, so that's been my life.
I have, I am currently in not a book hangover,
a book series hangover.
Mm. So, uh, my memory is awful
for the stuff I read.
So can I tell you the name of the series? No, I cannot.
the author is LI think LJ Andrews,
I think is their last name.
Uh, I read the first three books
of the series is nine books in Total Read.
The first three loved Them,
then promptly forgot every detail of them.
Oh my gosh. Because that's how I am when I read.
Like I, if I like a book, I liked it
for certain things that happened.
I mostly liked it for the vibe,
but once I'm done with it, it's outta sight outta mind.
So I came back around through Kindle Unlimited
and saw that the rest
of the series was also part of Kindle Unlimited.
And I borrowed the rest of the books and those six books.
'cause I was afraid I would finish their set in trilogy.
So you three at a time is a complete story,
but they all build on one another.
And I was afraid that if I read the next three
and Wandered off, come back to the last three,
I wouldn't remember anything again.
'cause it took me forever. I was like halfway
through the second book in the second trilogy before I went.
Oh, that's right. I remember what happened in
that first set of three books.
Anyway, so I read the six books in a row back
to fucking back all the way through .
And it was a satisfying end to the whole series.
There's an offshoot of the series that I'm gonna read later.
I need a break from this, this universe.
But I finished the book
and I just like sat there staring into the middle distance
for a few minutes.
Like, well, that, that's done. Uh, what day is it? ?
What reality am I in? Um, the Broken Kingdoms.
Thank you. Silent Wing. Thank you. It's the Broken Kingdoms.
Um, yeah, it's good. The, there's not a lot.
It's is it romance? Is it fantasy?
It's actually a pretty good combo of the two
because the overarching theme is these
different, they're faded partnerships and faded queens.
And the queens have to find the love of their life
so they can become even more powerful.
'cause you're powerful two versus one blah.
And then the kingdoms that were
broken have to not be broken.
I'll tell you no more than that
because that would get into spoilers.
So it is romance, but it's also a fantasy world of
the Faye and this and that.
And there's lots of that and magic
and all kinds of stuff like that.
Um, there's not as much sex
as I like in my romance novels,
but when it was there, it was not, not hot.
It wasn't as, as like, I'm an erotic erotica girl.
Like please say cock and cunt and like say the words. Right.
, it was not that. So I was like, me,
like there were a lot of teasing her entrance.
And I'm like, well, I know about orifices in the body.
Which, which one are you talking about?
or finding her center?
And she exploded and pleasure.
I'm like, tell me you rubbed her clit
and she came all over his cock.
Please. I think I need . I need a palate cleanser.
At some point I need to like, just go read like filth.
- Well know why, you know why they can't write it like that?
Mm. Because the, the, the clit is mythical.
No one, no man can lie.
- Stop it, . It's right.
And then it's in the right place for this fantasy world.
So Yeah.
So yeah. I'm, I'm now finishing, uh,
a series I started in Kind Limited as well.
Mm-Hmm. . That's historical romance.
It also is not quite explicit enough,
but the stories are usually good.
I, I am this type of person.
It's why I wish I read more Standalones. Mm-Hmm.
. And I tend not to, I tend to,
'cause series are a lot more popular these days
than probably ever before.
But if I start a series, I mostly need to keep going
until I'm done.
But that can be very overwhelming to me.
So what'll happen is I'll flit around and I'll start series
and go, okay, the, as long as there's no, um, um,
cliffhanger, I might start one and go, I'll come back to it.
But once I come back to it, I have to read the whole fucking
through the whole way through.
Mostly because once I finally remember what
that first book was about, I can't, I gotta keep going
so I don't lose that lose track.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I've, I have, uh, overwhelmed myself with
this historical romance series,
which each book is a standalone,
but they all like come together.
And then another series that I'm gonna finish after that.
And then I'll allow myself to look for more books.
That series, I actually kind
of vaguely remember what happened in the first book.
And so every day I just, when I think I see that, oh yeah,
that series, I remind myself, this is what you remember
that happened to them .
And so while my brain has all
of the things already going on, the random worries, the,
the, the parts of life that have to be done, the
what does that smell?
Why does that look like that kind of thoughts.
There will also be running in the background periodically.
That one book, remember it had this in it.
And so you'll remember what it was about.
You get back to the series. I understand.
I have problems. Okay. .
- Yeah. - So, you know, it's fine.
- It's fine. It's fine. Yeah. Silent you, you're not wrong.
What Kayla does blast through books at an inhuman speed.
I, and, and it's almost like every day I get a notification
from Good Reads that there's been, oh, you
- Follow me on Good Reads. Yeah.
- , - I, this,
I almost moved away from Good Reads this
year to Story Graph.
And it's still early enough in the year
that I can Story Graph is an alternative to Good Reads that
I have heard multiple times is better than Good Reads.
Good Reads is glitchy as fuck.
But Good Reads is connected to Amazon.
And so therefore that when Good
Reads is working properly Mm-Hmm.
Makes it a little bit easier.
And all I'm doing is I tried, I tried to review books,
but that just made me not wanna read.
It also reminded me of how little
I can remember from a book,
even within 10 minutes of having finished it.
Oh goodness. And it just felt like pressure.
It made it not fun. And I
went, I don't, I don't wanna do that.
Mm-Hmm. also I learned, thank you
internet, that I'm a mood reader.
That it's about the vibe.
It's, I can't, when I tried to have a thing that was like,
I'm gonna read all of the physical books on our bookshelves
before I read anything else within like six books.
It was like, I don't wanna read any of these.
And it wasn't until I gave myself permission to go
to the library that I went, oh yeah.
Reading is fun. So I can't put restrictions on myself Yeah.
For reading or I just won't.
And so once I lifted all restrictions,
other than not buying any
books, 'cause I don't have money for that.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, but it's like I can borrow 'em
from the library, I can read 'em on Kindle Unlimited.
I can read free books. Like whatever, whatever.
Once I did that, you couldn't fucking stop me.
It is, and I don't use this term loosely like, like
as if I don't understand its meaning in Neurodivergency.
I do, it is my hyper focus right now. . Okay.
But when I was a kid, I read like this too. Mm-Hmm.
Like I would just, I didn't keep track.
I know, but I know I read hundreds of books a year.
'cause it's all I did. It was the thing.
But I was also at a time when people
go, well what do you do for hobbies?
And I always felt really weird 'cause I was like, well,
I read 'cause that's what I, that's what I do.
Yeah. Uh, and at the time people
didn't really consider that a hobby.
Mm-Hmm. , thank you
Internet for making it a hobby. . Yeah.
- Well, you know, with Good Reads, I, I was, um, very active
on Good Reads for a while myself.
Um, because I was involved with a group
that did, uh, write reviews.
Mm-Hmm. . And one of the things
that I liked about Reads,
because that, that also went back to the time when, um,
before this insanity that we're doing right here,
um, used to blog.
Yep. And there was a widget that allowed you
to connect to Good Reads.
And it showed, you know, what you're currently reading.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I remember that. So I,
- I used to do that, you know, in conjunction with the,
with the reviews I used to write Mm-Hmm. .
- Yeah. I tried writing reviews.
I just, if it was too much pressure
and I didn't like it, so then I stopped.
So there you go. Hmm.
Uh, I worried that the bonus section's gonna be longer
than the episode .
I don't think that's actually gonna happen. No.
But I'm like, oh, wow. Here we go. Yep.
Um, and we got stuff we gotta do. So I guess we should go.
Mm-Hmm. , uh, thanks for being with us. Yeah.
Especially to the bitter end.
- Absolutely. - Thanks for your time and attention. Mm-Hmm.
, thanks for loving me despite, or
because of my ranting , whichever it is.
I don't care. Um, and we will see y'all next week.
We will. Okay. All right.
- Bye. Bye.