- You are listening to Living BDSM podcast.
Kayla Lord's here with the one, the only, the guy
who is repping his new merch from a concert.
He got to go to John Brownstone.
- Yes, indeed. - I had noticed that.
It's Trans Siberian Orchestra. If you're new here.
. We did that as a
Christmas present to ourselves.
Um, I noticed you had worn it once right after we got home.
Yep. And then I hadn't seen you wear it again. Mm-Hmm.
. And then I put it away
'cause it was just sitting on top of our dresser.
Right. And then today we're
recording, we're live streaming, we're doing
- All these things.
It came out again and you're
- Like, yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna shut this off.
Mm-Hmm. and podcast listeners.
You can't see it. So I have to say something so
that you know, because I'm sure you wanted to know.
Yeah. Yeah. That's not actually what we're here for. No, no.
Uh, this week we're answering a question from a
submissive who sometimes just wants
to be punished in their power exchange
without a sexual element.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
If you're new here, we help sters like you have happy,
healthy power exchange relationships.
You can add the podcast to your favorite podcast app
so you never miss an episode.
And if you'd like us to answer your question in an upcoming
episode, uh, we have a contact page called Ask your
Questions on our website@lovingbdsm.net.
That's loving bdsm.net.
Or it's in the show notes, uh, page for this episode.
Submit your question. We'd love to, uh, answer it. Okay.
Let's, here's the question. Uh, it says,
I'm in a woman loving woman relationship.
I'm a sub, my girlfriend is the dom. We use toys during sex.
She spanks me and hits me while we have sex.
But sometimes something I've noticed is she doesn't seem
as comfortable with punishing me without sex.
I just want her to bend me over and punish me.
And that's it. So what can I do
to get her more comfortable with doing that?
I feel like I know what your first thought
- Was.
Right. It, it's the ever omniscient C word.
- I mean, it's both our favorite C word
and kind of the dreaded C word.
Yeah. Because it's the,
it's the first thing. It's always the first thing.
- Yeah. Communicate. Yeah.
- Have you talked to your partner about
- This?
Right. Um, you know, nobody is a mind reader.
Dom, sub switch,
however you identify, um,
nobody's a mind reader.
So the only way somebody's going to know what you want,
you have to tell 'em.
- You have to tell them. And I think
you have to get specific.
You're already in a relationship. Yeah.
You've already sort of established the things that you do
and don't do with one another.
You've got the, uh, examples of the things that you've done
that you both like and you maybe kind
of wish were a little bit different.
Um, and mm-Hmm. . So, and it's not enough
to just go, Hey, can you just punish
me without sex sometimes?
Can you just like wail on me?
Can you just like, make me regret my actions consensually.
Right. To help a partner become comfortable with that.
Especially if it's not their, you know, natural
way of operating.
Or if you have mentioned it
and they're still uncomfortable, give them concrete examples
of what you're thinking about.
Go back to past moments
and say, remember that time
where we did the whole punishment thing
and it was sexy and sexual.
Here's a way that it would've been really
cool without the sex.
Mm-Hmm. , here's a way that, you know, I'm,
I would have enjoyed it as well.
Here's a fantasy of mine.
The thing about punishment is it has
to be negotiated just like anything else.
Sure. Um, and you may have a partner who's like, well,
we've never talked about punishment,
so that's not what I'm doing.
Maybe they see the punishing during sex more as punishment.
Maybe it's part of the scene or some role play for them.
So when you talk to them, get into the details
of how they see it.
Mm-Hmm. and also what you want.
- Right. Because the other thing that comes
to mind at this is, you know, does their partner view
BDSM as sexual?
Right. You know, a lot of people do, some people don't.
Mm-Hmm. some people, it's, it's a mix.
So, you know, they may be viewing it through this lens.
And you know, there again too that, that,
that may be something you need to tell 'em.
You know, I don't always see it this way.
And, and to me, during punishment, not the time for that.
- Right. Or it's okay in some context. Mm-Hmm.
and not all contexts.
Here are the contexts in which I would like
punishment to not be sexual.
Right now. The thing is, is you can tell your partner
what you want, what you're looking for,
and they get to have their own limits and boundaries.
So it is entirely possible
that when you first start mentioning this,
your partner's not comfortable ever or yet.
Okay. So the, when you ask,
how do you get her more comfortable with doing that one,
it needs to be something that she innately wants to do.
Mm-Hmm. . And in the beginning, or right when
you bring it up, she might say, no, I'm not interested.
It's possible that that may never change.
It's also equally possible that over time,
the longer you're together,
the more experiences you have together, the more you,
not in a constant naggy, overwhelming way,
but over time, as you talk about it at different times,
over months and years,
she can become more comfortable with it.
Right. Um, and I do think that coming to your partner with
concrete examples, whether they're fantasies
or times that you were like, Ooh, if you had done this,
that would've been so amazing.
Right. To point out the instances
that maybe they've already been in,
or the instances that they weren't even thinking of.
'cause that's not on their mind. Mm-Hmm. .
But you have clearly thought of it.
I, you know, when we tell people, Hey,
you've gotta talk to your partner.
I think some people go, Hey, I just have
to tell my partner I want this.
And then that's the end of the conversation.
They'll know all of the questions to ask.
- I mean, this - Almost never true.
- Right? And, and this may be one of those times where, um,
you may be talking about negotiating compromise, right?
- Mm-Hmm. . And you may have to decide
for yourself if punishment outside
of a sexual experience is a deal breaker for you or not.
Mm-Hmm. it may be something that you're like,
yeah, it's a nice to have and maybe one day we'll get there,
but it's not something I need in this relationship.
I'm happy as we are. This would just be icing on the cake.
Uh, it could be a no, this is fundamental to,
you know, who I am as a submissive,
what I need in power exchange.
Only you can answer that.
And it's okay if the answer is, I don't even know.
Uh, I need time to think about that part as well.
Um, what it really comes down to is
how do you present the information
to your partner of what you want?
And how do they accept
that information if they immediately reject it?
If they're immediate hard, no, you have to respect that
and back off, leave it alone.
If they respond with some level of curiosity
or openness to the idea.
Mm-Hmm. , even if they're uncertain,
even if they're like,
I don't know what that would look like.
I don't know what you mean by that.
That's an opening for the conversation.
And it is very possible that you may share an example of,
Hey, this would've been so amazing.
I, this is what I'm looking for. And they're like, Mm-Hmm.
. Oh, I didn't know that. I I like that too.
Let's do it Now.
If in, in whatever form you add punishment to your exchange,
your power exchange, your dynamic, you need
to have parameters.
And everybody needs to understand the parameters of that.
Mm-Hmm. punishment
and power exchange outside of a sexual experience,
were ultimately .
The, the goal is pleasure in some form. Mm-Hmm.
, um, ca you know,
it just looks a little bit different in, in my opinion
and experience than when it's like, oh, you know,
I'm a bad girl while you're fucking me.
Like it's, it's just a different thing.
So in that case, it's well, under
what circumstances will there be this punishment?
What are the options of punishment?
Is it a bend me over and spank me?
'cause I've been a bad girl?
Is it, you know, I talked back. Is it, I gave you a look.
It's like, what are the punishments and what Mm-Hmm.
initiates the punishment.
What, what actions or inactions will occur?
So you both consensually understand this is that moment.
'cause that could be the other thing. Your part be like,
okay, you want me to, okay, you want you, you want me to
punish you, but what does that mean?
And when, so once you give those kinds of
very real details and negotiate it back
and forth within your own comfort level,
then they have a place to go to become comfortable
because it's not a great unknown.
Mm-Hmm. . And they know exactly when, when
and what to do as it comes up.
And I think that if they're open to it, that's
how you grow comfortable with it.
I think just sort of having this mysterious punish me.
Mm-Hmm. . And, and that's,
and that's the end of the conversation there.
There's way too much room for interpretation. Yeah.
And a responsible dom does not want it that open-ended.
Right. They, they want some parameters, so
- They keep everybody safe.
I, it, it sounds to me too, like there could be some
misalignment in expectations.
- Very true. Very true.
Which is, we go back to, you have to have the conversation.
Right. But if you've already had the conversation,
you're like, yeah, I did that part, but it's not working.
Okay, but how detailed were you in the conversation? Mm-Hmm.
did you say, this is
what I want when I want it.
Here's an example of a situation, you know,
and give them time and space
and room to think about it, to go,
you know, talk to their own.
Maybe, maybe they're in some dom groups.
There's, they've got some online kink community
that they can go, you know, pick somebody's brain
and give them that space to do that.
Assuming that they don't immediately
shut it down is a hard No.
I mean, it is both that simple and that complicated
- .
That is true .
- Yeah. Uh, final point.
If your partner's not comfortable,
there's nothing you can do to make them comfortable.
I think if they are willing to try,
even if they're uncomfortable, the best thing you can do is
to give consistent feedback.
Hey, yeah, that was a rough moment, but you did a good job.
That was what I wanted. Thank you for that. Right? Mm-Hmm.
Like, whatever it is, whatever kind of feedback works
for your dom, make sure you're giving them that
because it is, it's a bit of a mind fuck to physically
or in any other way, punish a grown ass adult when
that is not where your mind went immediately.
Right. Right. If you didn't come up going, yeah,
that's exactly what I'm gonna do in a relationship.
It's weird. It's a mind fuck.
It's like, am I, did I do that right? Did I go too far?
Did I not go far enough?
So when things are going well, if they're willing to try,
make sure you let them know and have mm-hmm.
room for both of you within any part
of the dynamic for feedback,
for when maybe it could be better.
Like, you could say, you could have the ability to go,
that was a little too hard.
That wasn't hard enough. I need more, I need less.
And they need to have the ability to go, okay,
I understand this is the, this is when you want punishment
and this is the kind of punishment you want.
We've tried it. I don't think I can do that,
but maybe I can do this.
And just keep those lines of communication open.
Give each other feedback.
Praise your partner for doing something
outside of their comfort zone.
And if it's something they're willing to do,
the longer they do it
and get the positive feedback from you
that they're doing the right thing over time, you know,
that's how you become more comfortable with things.
Yep. So I think that's it. Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode.
If you want us to answer one of your questions,
just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the show notes.
Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon,
we're able to do this podcast and keep it going, going
and help Sters due to your support.
If you'd like to be part of our community
and get access to extra content
and a Discord server with a group of super cool,
super nice sters, you can do that.
Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords.
That's patreon.com/kayla lords.
Or use the link in the show notes.