- You are listening to the living BDSM podcast.
Kayla, the Lord's here with the one, the only, the guy
who was like, ready to do this
before I was ready to do this.
That's brownstone.
Who are you and what have you done with my dom husband
and business partner?
- This is our last recording day before break.
- It's true, - That's true.
And I'm ready to pound it out and get her done.
- That's what, that's what he said. Yeah. .
Um, ,
uh, I'm sorry.
You rendered me speechless. We are time traveling.
You will be listening to this while we are hopefully
blissfully not doing a fucking thing.
Y'all right?
We are definitely at a point where we need some time
to just do nothing.
I'm not sure we're capable of it, but we'll find out. So as
- Close to it as we're capable of, right?
- Right. , that's not what we're talking about.
Uh, this week. Uh, no, no.
uh, this week we're answering a question from Adam
Dom who wants to help their partner heal from past trauma,
but can't stop worrying
that their submissive behaviors might be based on the past
and not on their dynamic.
Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast.
If you're new here, we help kinks like you have happy,
healthy power exchange relationships.
You can add the podcast to your favorite podcast app
so you never miss an episode.
And if you like us, how, how do words work?
And if you would like us to answer your question,
, you can do that.
There's a link in the show notes
and on our website, loving bdsm.net.
- Oh, this is gonna be a long day, right?
- that just says, ask your questions
and you just click the link and you put in your info
and it comes to us as an email.
And ta-da, you've submitted your question.
If you reque do a question
and ask us things as if we are Google.
I will not include that in a future episode.
We've gotten at least one where it was like how
to have a DSS dynamic.
I was like, that's our whole, like, that's, I mean,
if you googled that, you probably came to us.
We have a whole website. Like this is situational stuff.
This is like, come on now. More
- a little more nuanced than
- That.
Right. We're, we're not, we're not Google.
We, uh, excuse me.
We try to have, um, information on our site.
We try to be helpful, but these episodes are,
like you said, situational.
I am already ranting and we have not even gotten
- Into campus.
We've not even gotten anywhere yet.
We're still in the intro. I know. This is not, um,
- This is gonna be interesting.
Yeah. Okay. Let's get into this question.
Myself and my partner, both 51,
have been together for three years.
We have a caregiver, little 24 7 power exchange. Mm-Hmm.
. She, my partner is coming from a 20 year off
again on again marriage with an abusive narcissist.
Mm-Hmm. Our relationship is good.
And I'm doing everything I can
to help her heal from the past trauma
of those 20 years of garbage.
One of the things the ex would do would be
to throw a fit in public if the trip took any longer
than he thought it should take.
And that fit would include humiliating.
My partner, my issue, when we go out shopping as we are need
to do at times, my baby girl will ask me,
can we go look at insert thing here?
I have no problem with this. So I of course go Sure.
At one point, once we got home, I told her,
when we're out shopping, if you wanna look at something,
you can just say, let's go look at it was then
that she told me, part of the reason why I ask is
because I'm the baby girl
and I'm supposed to ask permission.
This makes total sense.
And I love that she wants to do this.
The problem is my annoying brain is saying in the back
of my head, she's always had to ask permission
to do anything from her ex.
She's not used to being an independent person.
So my question, how do I wrestle my annoying brain into
getting this in her, leaning into her submissive role
and not her being stuck in an old tape?
Hmm. Oh, that's rough.
- Yeah. - I mean, my first thing is she's told you,
she's told you that from her
perspective, she's the baby girl.
She needs to ask permission, which
it might not be worded this way.
And this is me reading between the lines. Mm-Hmm.
. So ask for clarification.
But that sounds to me like that's
what she wants to do as a baby girl.
Right. And so basically,
just like we tell subs all the time,
at some point you just have to believe you're Dom.
This is one of those moments that at some point you just
have to believe you're submissive.
She says, this is how this operates for her. Mm-Hmm.
, you know, as long
as she always has the freedom to say
that she's changed her mind or maybe not,
or she sees it differently or, you know, whatever.
Mm. I think you, you gotta believe
- Her.
Yeah. I and, and I think you're right there.
I don't think there is a whole lot more going on Mm-Hmm.
Under there. I mean, she's clearly stated, you know,
this is what I want.
Right. And I, I think really regardless of where
that comes from, go with it.
- Yeah. I, and I, I think, you know, do I think you need
to take more care when you know your partner has been
through it and is having to sort
of overcome that and Mm-Hmm.
relearn how to, you know, feel safe being
who they are and doing things that, you know,
should have been safe to do for all those years.
Of course you do. So I think that
that leads to more check-ins.
Mm-Hmm. asking anytime you're unsure, just ask
for quick clarification.
Or, uh, you know, you and I have done this
before when we know we're treading near a touchy subject,
um, we've gotten better at this,
not necessarily specifically with this kind of situation,
but with our own, and I don't use the word lightly,
our own triggers from our own bad tapes and past.
And, uh, um, we will try to lightly
talk a around the situation.
Like, can, can we, can we talk about this?
How are you feeling about this thing?
Instead of, of sometimes just bulldozing straight through
of, I'm not sure that you understand that you don't have
to ask for, for permission.
And I'm, I'm worried this is your trauma.
It's more of a how are you feeling about this?
Where's your head at? Do you know,
you can come talk to me about this.
And creating the situations
and the opportunities for if there's doubt from them
or if they've rethought it as they've gone
through their own, you know, healing journey
and whatever they're doing to deal with that.
You know, there's some things might come up
where they're like, oh, at one point, you know, yes,
I thought that I needed to ask for permission
because of the dynamic, but really it was because of this.
They, they could come to that conclusion. Right.
As long as you're giving your partner the opportunity
to change their mind to come to you anytime.
Mm-Hmm. , it's a little bit different
to tell you something that contradicts
what they said at any point in the past.
I think it's fine because people do change their minds
as they go through stuff.
- Deal with stuff as, as far as as saying it's a bad tape,
you know, something in, in the, in regards
to it maybe being a bad tape.
Maybe it is, but you know what,
there could be a whole lot worse. Bad tapes.
- Well, and I think there's also a thing about reclaiming
a, a thing that happened to you.
Sure. Right. So in this scenario, their previous partner
abused them, humiliated them in ways
that made them feel powerless in a way they did not want.
It is entirely possible,
and you only know if you
have a conversation with your partner.
Mm-Hmm. that them wanting to ask you
for permission is both a sign of trust
and how they feel about the dynamic,
but reclaiming that ability and making it Yeah.
Something that is under, to a certain extent, their control
that they are choosing to be in that situation.
Not everybody who's into kink
and power exchange does that
with their past, but some people do.
- Some people do. And, and they find that as a way to heal.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, you know,
one other thing I'm thinking of kind of muddling,
noodling this a little bit, you know, this, I,
I think there could be a possibility.
The, the big D is overthinking Yes.
Things a little bit too much. Yes.
Um, you know, it, it is wonderful that you want to help and,
and support your partner.
I think that's fantastic. And you should, you know, um,
I think maybe on this, this little tidbit,
it might just be a bit of overthinking.
- Yes. And I, you know, I think in this case it comes from
care and devotion.
Mm-Hmm. and wanting the sense
of responsibility of being both a good dumb
and a good partner.
Um, and that's why I go back to the original point of,
if your partner is clearly stating
that this is what I want, Mm-Hmm.
, this is what I need,
this is what works for me.
And again, get clarification.
If you're, if you need to hear the words from her, no, I,
I do this because I want this, then ask for that.
See, you know, if, if that is accurate.
But the fact that, you know, they're saying it,
you've gotta tell your overthinking brain that, that
that is about their consent
and autonomy just as much as anything else is.
Right. So yes, it kind of, maybe from the
outside looks like the past,
but based on how she feels, how secure she is, the,
the trust you have between each other, how you treat her,
all of the things,
it is a fundamentally different experience.
And anytime you're unsure, just check in.
Um, but yeah, I do, I think you're right.
I think it, it's a bit of overthinking as long
as the conversations are being had
and the sheet is continuing to communicate with you, right.
Um, about those things. Like if you were just making
assumptions and there had been no conversations,
that would actually be a similar
point, but a different point.
Like she's clearly stating, Hey,
this is, this is what we do.
Mm-Hmm. . And if you want to,
if you just wanna check in one more time
and go, okay, this is what you said.
Is this what you want?
You know, you can tell me if this is not what you want.
If you want things to be different, as long
as she knows she has that freedom
and you keep reiterating she has that freedom,
not obsessively .
Yeah. No, but just like as it makes sense to go, hey,
you know, if something's different, if something needs
to change, the more you make her, you know, allow her
to feel safe and give her that space to be who she is,
the more she's gonna figure out for herself,
these are things I do because I want to do them
because they are, they feel right to me.
And maybe these are things that I thought I was supposed
to do and I can let go of them, but that's a time thing.
And 20 years of a bad experience versus three years
of a good, it can, they're not even remotely equal.
The good experience, you know,
I did not have that kind of past experience.
I will not even compare my past experiences to that.
But, you know, three years with a three years
of good does a lot.
It is very powerful. It is.
It can be life changing,
but it still not a,
an it still is not equal to 20 years of the bad.
Right? Yeah. So there will be some shifting
and changing, I'm sure.
But that's also how relationships work in
general and power exchange works.
So the things that work for her today in your power
exchange, um, might shift
as you move forward in your relationship for Yeah.
Partly because people change, partly because, right.
Your sense of safety and trust change.
You hopefully, and I think based on this, it would deepen
and then you can do more that you maybe couldn't do before.
And she may get there as well. Mm-Hmm. .
But yeah.
So the recap is trust your submissive
when they tell you mm-Hmm.
that that's something that they want.
And when in doubt just check in
and say, Hey, I need clarification.
And admit that your brain is like telling you something
that you feel like is probably not accurate, but you're,
because it's actually a good sign.
You care so much about not causing harm,
that it's leading you to doubt things within your dynamic.
You're submissive as just as capable of providing comfort
and reassurance and help as you are providing it to them.
So let them Yeah. Is what I would say. Yeah. Yeah.
So hopefully that helped, right? A little bit.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode.
If you want us to answer one of your questions,
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