1 00:00:11,425 --> 00:00:13,125 - You are listening to the loving BDSM podcast. 2 00:00:13,715 --> 00:00:15,565 Gaylord's here with the one, the only, the, 3 00:00:15,585 --> 00:00:17,645 are you at all caffeinated enough Jumper? 4 00:00:17,865 --> 00:00:21,805 No. Me neither. No. There's not enough coffee. No, no, no. 5 00:00:21,825 --> 00:00:23,005 But we're gonna power through anyway. 6 00:00:23,005 --> 00:00:24,005 - That's right. We are. Mm-Hmm. 7 00:00:24,005 --> 00:00:26,405 - . This week we're answering a question from a 8 00:00:26,405 --> 00:00:30,165 submissive who wants rewards as part of the dynamic, 9 00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:32,045 but isn't happy with 10 00:00:32,045 --> 00:00:34,245 how it's been done in their power exchange currently. 11 00:00:34,715 --> 00:00:36,365 Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast. 12 00:00:36,625 --> 00:00:39,045 If you're new here, we help kister like you have happy, 13 00:00:39,045 --> 00:00:40,365 healthy power exchange relationships. 14 00:00:40,745 --> 00:00:42,965 If you like what you hear, uh, please feel free 15 00:00:42,965 --> 00:00:44,805 to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app 16 00:00:44,805 --> 00:00:46,005 so you never miss an episode. 17 00:00:46,385 --> 00:00:49,365 And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future 18 00:00:49,365 --> 00:00:51,245 episode, we have a contact page, uh, 19 00:00:51,245 --> 00:00:53,325 called Ask your Questions on our website, 20 00:00:53,375 --> 00:00:55,045 which is loving bdsm.net. 21 00:00:55,465 --> 00:00:57,245 And in the show notes for this episode, 22 00:00:57,245 --> 00:01:00,125 which is also found@lovingbdsm.net. 23 00:01:00,915 --> 00:01:04,405 Okay, let's get into this question. Okay, here we go. 24 00:01:04,985 --> 00:01:08,965 I'm in a 24 7 DSS poly ish relationship. 25 00:01:09,425 --> 00:01:12,005 My dom is a primal gentleman and I'm a service sub. 26 00:01:12,105 --> 00:01:15,885 My dom has only rewarded me two times in the past three 27 00:01:15,895 --> 00:01:18,485 years, and its breeding resentment in me. 28 00:01:19,265 --> 00:01:21,125 One reward was something I needed for work. 29 00:01:21,365 --> 00:01:23,365 I farm and I needed raised beds. 30 00:01:23,725 --> 00:01:25,405 I waited six months for permission 31 00:01:25,535 --> 00:01:27,565 after modifying them a bajillion times 32 00:01:27,705 --> 00:01:29,525 to suit his anxieties and desires. 33 00:01:30,005 --> 00:01:31,645 I was about to finally make my purchase. 34 00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:34,205 He stopped me, bought the materials, 35 00:01:34,205 --> 00:01:35,725 and built part of it with me. 36 00:01:36,435 --> 00:01:37,925 It's still not fully assembled, 37 00:01:37,945 --> 00:01:40,285 and I can still only use three quarters of it. 38 00:01:40,985 --> 00:01:43,485 The other thing, I didn't even want cheap t-shirts 39 00:01:43,485 --> 00:01:45,685 and the kind of hats I specifically told 40 00:01:45,685 --> 00:01:47,085 him I didn't want to wear. 41 00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:49,525 I felt like he gave me the gift he should have given 42 00:01:49,525 --> 00:01:50,605 his young adult daughter. 43 00:01:51,125 --> 00:01:52,365 I didn't say that, of course, 44 00:01:52,565 --> 00:01:54,005 I didn't wanna sound ungrateful. 45 00:01:54,845 --> 00:01:57,685 I buy him gifts and necessities all the time, like 46 00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:59,365 to the point where I had to pull back 47 00:01:59,365 --> 00:02:02,005 because he will always say yes to what he wants. 48 00:02:02,885 --> 00:02:04,965 I pay bills in the house, all but the mortgage. 49 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,165 I work from home. He works out of the house. 50 00:02:07,305 --> 00:02:10,565 We earn equal income when due 51 00:02:10,745 --> 00:02:12,565 or even do submissives get 52 00:02:12,565 --> 00:02:15,965 to choose their own rewards are rewards part of negotiation. 53 00:02:16,515 --> 00:02:18,805 What do you think about additional acts of service 54 00:02:19,105 --> 00:02:21,245 as a reward That sounds used to read to me. 55 00:02:21,445 --> 00:02:23,085 Hmm. Good job. Now. Do more work. 56 00:02:23,455 --> 00:02:25,325 Thank you for all your vulnerability and effort and time. 57 00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:28,205 I actually need your podcast to stay sane. . 58 00:02:29,825 --> 00:02:31,365 So what, what are your initial 59 00:02:31,365 --> 00:02:32,365 - Thoughts? 60 00:02:32,365 --> 00:02:34,405 Um, a lot going on there. Mm-Hmm. . 61 00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:39,565 So first, right, right out of the gate. 62 00:02:39,945 --> 00:02:42,925 Uh, every it, it sounds a little one-sided. Yes. 63 00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:45,845 - Okay. - Absolutely. Um, also, 64 00:02:47,305 --> 00:02:49,885 should rewards be part of the negotiation? 65 00:02:51,145 --> 00:02:52,405 Abso-Freaking-lutely. Mm-Hmm. 66 00:02:52,445 --> 00:02:54,325 , uh, rewards just 67 00:02:54,465 --> 00:02:57,525 as punishment. Okay. That's all 68 00:02:57,525 --> 00:02:58,325 - Right. Two sides of the same 69 00:02:58,325 --> 00:02:59,325 - Coin. 70 00:02:59,325 --> 00:03:01,525 Two, two sides of the same coin, uh, are all part 71 00:03:01,585 --> 00:03:03,085 of the negotiation. 72 00:03:03,375 --> 00:03:06,525 - Right. Because a reward is only a reward if it's something 73 00:03:06,525 --> 00:03:09,645 that you are genuinely happy to receive, you want Mm-Hmm. 74 00:03:09,685 --> 00:03:10,765 it feels right to you. 75 00:03:10,945 --> 00:03:13,005 And your partner might not know what 76 00:03:13,005 --> 00:03:15,605 that is if you haven't had the conversation about them. 77 00:03:15,605 --> 00:03:17,965 Right. Which in terms of power exchange Yeah. 78 00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:20,445 That's gonna be a negotiation is 79 00:03:20,445 --> 00:03:21,605 what we would call that. Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. 80 00:03:22,605 --> 00:03:24,605 - I mean, I'm kind of speaking off the cuff here. 81 00:03:24,685 --> 00:03:26,845 I don't really know either person. 82 00:03:27,465 --> 00:03:30,765 Uh, it sounds to me a little bit like this, this dom 83 00:03:31,595 --> 00:03:33,845 doesn't that really have a clue? 84 00:03:34,145 --> 00:03:35,145 - It does. 85 00:03:35,145 --> 00:03:35,965 Okay. I'm not gonna lie. 86 00:03:36,265 --> 00:03:38,925 It sounds like vanilla relationships I've had where 87 00:03:39,545 --> 00:03:41,245 hetero cis relationships 88 00:03:41,295 --> 00:03:43,125 where the woman is buying all the gifts 89 00:03:43,145 --> 00:03:44,245 and being really thoughtful. 90 00:03:44,315 --> 00:03:46,485 Yeah. And the guy's just clueless. Mm-Hmm. . 91 00:03:46,665 --> 00:03:49,605 Um, and yes, that can occur even in power exchange. Sure. 92 00:03:49,885 --> 00:03:51,765 'cause that's skills that need to be learned. Right. And 93 00:03:51,995 --> 00:03:52,995 - Yeah. 94 00:03:52,995 --> 00:03:56,845 So, yeah. You know, I mean, when we've done stuff like this, 95 00:03:56,995 --> 00:03:59,325 I've always come to you and like, you know, alright, 96 00:03:59,325 --> 00:04:00,885 what would you like for a reward? 97 00:04:00,895 --> 00:04:02,965 - Right. What's gonna feel like a reward? 98 00:04:03,145 --> 00:04:05,005 - And, and you have given me a list and, 99 00:04:05,065 --> 00:04:07,925 and out of that list, you know, I then Right. 100 00:04:07,925 --> 00:04:09,125 Because pick and choose that 101 00:04:09,125 --> 00:04:11,245 - Way, you know, that I'm guaranteed 102 00:04:11,265 --> 00:04:12,925 to like, whatever it is. 103 00:04:13,085 --> 00:04:14,725 Mm-Hmm. . But you still get the control 104 00:04:14,745 --> 00:04:16,765 and power of being the one to decide 105 00:04:17,435 --> 00:04:19,965 what it is when I get it. Yeah. You know, 106 00:04:20,405 --> 00:04:23,565 - I, you know, to a certain extent too, I think maybe I'm, 107 00:04:23,705 --> 00:04:26,685 I'm a little bit more self-aware, not saying 108 00:04:26,685 --> 00:04:29,125 that other people aren't, but, you know, I kind 109 00:04:29,125 --> 00:04:30,885 of keep an eye out and, 110 00:04:30,905 --> 00:04:34,485 and see the things that you ooh and awe over. Mm-Hmm. 111 00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:35,845 - , you're really good at that. Yeah. 112 00:04:36,385 --> 00:04:38,045 - You know, like, okay. Mental note, 113 00:04:38,105 --> 00:04:39,725 you know, that would make a gift. 114 00:04:40,085 --> 00:04:41,325 - I know people in 115 00:04:41,325 --> 00:04:44,605 and out of kink relationships who have created a habit 116 00:04:44,625 --> 00:04:48,365 for themselves of when they hear their partner or a friend 117 00:04:48,385 --> 00:04:50,325 or anybody they might give a gift to at some point. 118 00:04:50,325 --> 00:04:51,365 Mm-Hmm. say, Hey, I like 119 00:04:51,365 --> 00:04:53,245 that they just literally open, get their phone 120 00:04:53,245 --> 00:04:54,245 and open their notes app 121 00:04:54,665 --> 00:04:58,405 and make a note so that they can refer back to it later. 122 00:04:58,575 --> 00:05:01,365 Right. But that's for the person who didn't ask the 123 00:05:01,565 --> 00:05:02,565 - Question. 124 00:05:02,565 --> 00:05:03,925 - Yeah. The person who's struggling Yeah. 125 00:05:04,025 --> 00:05:06,285 Is the one who's not getting great gifts. Yeah. 126 00:05:06,385 --> 00:05:09,285 - Now, I I, or rewards, I should, I will say on 127 00:05:09,285 --> 00:05:13,125 that aspect too, not everybody is a, a good gift giver. 128 00:05:13,665 --> 00:05:15,445 - Oh, no. It's a skill that has to be 129 00:05:15,645 --> 00:05:16,645 - Cultivated. 130 00:05:16,645 --> 00:05:19,365 Yeah. Um, you know, there are the, uh, Claires of the world 131 00:05:20,155 --> 00:05:21,155 - From modern family. 132 00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:22,085 If you didn't know the reference 133 00:05:22,085 --> 00:05:22,965 Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . 134 00:05:23,465 --> 00:05:25,845 - So, um, you know, and, 135 00:05:25,945 --> 00:05:28,245 and it could just be possible, you know, 136 00:05:28,275 --> 00:05:30,805 this submissives they talk about, you know, 137 00:05:30,805 --> 00:05:32,885 giving gifts and different things like that. 138 00:05:33,505 --> 00:05:34,965 It could very well be possible. 139 00:05:34,975 --> 00:05:38,005 Their love language is to give gifts. Is to give 140 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,725 - Gifts and then maybe to receive a, you know, a reward 141 00:05:40,745 --> 00:05:41,845 as a version of a gift. 142 00:05:41,845 --> 00:05:43,565 Mm-Hmm. from a power exchange Yeah. 143 00:05:43,565 --> 00:05:46,405 Perspective. It's part of what we've absolutely talked about 144 00:05:46,665 --> 00:05:49,165 as, um, positive reinforcement. 145 00:05:49,235 --> 00:05:50,685 Sure. You know, you did a thing 146 00:05:50,685 --> 00:05:52,245 that made me happy, you did a thing. 147 00:05:53,025 --> 00:05:56,285 So rewards are often part of positive reinforcement. 148 00:05:56,745 --> 00:05:58,645 Um, which is something we've talked about. Mm-Hmm. 149 00:05:58,685 --> 00:06:00,165 in the past. It's something that we use 150 00:06:00,165 --> 00:06:01,405 within our relationship. 151 00:06:01,825 --> 00:06:04,525 It goes beyond the, well, you're a service submissive 152 00:06:04,525 --> 00:06:05,765 or you're any kind of submissive. 153 00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:06,885 You did what you were supposed to do. 154 00:06:06,945 --> 00:06:09,725 So what do you want a cookie for? That it's like, Mm-Hmm. 155 00:06:09,765 --> 00:06:10,925 . Well, yeah, maybe I do want a cookie. 156 00:06:11,045 --> 00:06:12,125 I want acknowledgement. I want 157 00:06:12,425 --> 00:06:13,685 to know that you're happy with me. 158 00:06:13,705 --> 00:06:17,525 And in this person's case, they want rewards for stuff. 159 00:06:17,555 --> 00:06:19,565 Clearly not all the time. 160 00:06:19,905 --> 00:06:22,125 Not in a no way that renders it meaningless 161 00:06:22,305 --> 00:06:23,605 to have tolerated. 162 00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:27,245 I'm, I hesitate to call these rewards, 163 00:06:27,265 --> 00:06:30,245 but to air quote rewards in three years, 164 00:06:30,545 --> 00:06:32,085 I'd be, I'd be pissy. 165 00:06:32,265 --> 00:06:34,245 I'd be so pissy if that was me. 166 00:06:34,625 --> 00:06:38,085 And not because I do things for the reward, 167 00:06:38,105 --> 00:06:40,965 but it's the acknowledgement and it's the effort. Well, 168 00:06:40,995 --> 00:06:42,885 - It's, it's the acknowledgement, it's the effort. 169 00:06:43,345 --> 00:06:45,205 And it also goes back to something we, 170 00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:47,525 we've talked about a lot of times in the past, 171 00:06:47,715 --> 00:06:48,725 filling that. Well, 172 00:06:49,145 --> 00:06:50,145 - Yes. 173 00:06:50,145 --> 00:06:50,965 Yeah. If I'm giving and giving, 174 00:06:50,985 --> 00:06:52,325 and I feel like I can really speak to this 175 00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:55,165 as a service submissive too, if I'm constantly giving 176 00:06:55,345 --> 00:06:58,245 and I don't feel like it's being returned 177 00:06:58,345 --> 00:06:59,365 in some way Mm-Hmm. 178 00:06:59,405 --> 00:07:03,245 on a consistent enough basis that I go, yeah, 179 00:07:03,315 --> 00:07:06,125 this makes it worth all this hard work or effort 180 00:07:06,185 --> 00:07:08,405 or, you know, extra time or whatever, 181 00:07:08,425 --> 00:07:10,205 or being tired or whatever it might be. 182 00:07:10,985 --> 00:07:14,245 Or the stretching of my own like comfort level 183 00:07:14,305 --> 00:07:17,045 to do new things in service of my partner. 184 00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:20,125 Yeah. I mean, if you're not feeling a little 185 00:07:20,155 --> 00:07:21,965 resentful, you're better than me. 186 00:07:21,965 --> 00:07:24,045 Because after all that time, I'd be like, 187 00:07:24,315 --> 00:07:26,085 where's my diet Coke ? 188 00:07:27,825 --> 00:07:30,125 For me, that's a reward. Right. Right. 189 00:07:30,295 --> 00:07:32,605 Where is my diet Coke? Mm-Hmm. I didn't ask for Mm-Hmm. 190 00:07:32,945 --> 00:07:37,325 Um, so to answer the specific questions, yes, you can 191 00:07:37,345 --> 00:07:39,645 as a submissive choose your own reward. 192 00:07:39,755 --> 00:07:43,125 Sure. The way you do that will be determined by 193 00:07:43,145 --> 00:07:44,605 how you've structured your power exchange, 194 00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:46,405 how you communicate with your partner, 195 00:07:46,905 --> 00:07:49,805 and then this very second question of how you negotiate it. 196 00:07:50,355 --> 00:07:52,045 Like JB said, the way we tend 197 00:07:52,045 --> 00:07:53,845 to do it is he will have a list of things 198 00:07:53,845 --> 00:07:57,445 that he knows I like or have said I've wanted, 199 00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:59,885 or have, you know, kind of he's caught me checking 200 00:07:59,905 --> 00:08:01,565 him out maybe in a store. Simple 201 00:08:01,565 --> 00:08:02,405 - Observation. Yeah. 202 00:08:02,495 --> 00:08:05,405 - Right. And then he's gonna pick from the list of 203 00:08:05,635 --> 00:08:09,325 what he knows I like is quite frankly, almost identical 204 00:08:09,345 --> 00:08:11,925 to the way we seen you have the laundry list 205 00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:15,485 of all the things I am willing to do and like to do in kink. 206 00:08:15,905 --> 00:08:18,565 And it's like a, there's like a fence around everything. 207 00:08:18,565 --> 00:08:20,245 Everything outside of the fence is a hard limit. 208 00:08:20,245 --> 00:08:21,725 Don't do it. And then you pick 209 00:08:21,785 --> 00:08:24,805 and choose from within that uhhuh that, 210 00:08:25,065 --> 00:08:26,765 uh, what is a word I want? 211 00:08:26,885 --> 00:08:28,005 Quare, thank you. Whatever. 212 00:08:28,005 --> 00:08:29,845 Like, just within all of the options. 213 00:08:30,265 --> 00:08:32,925 So it's not, you know, for the person who's like, well, 214 00:08:32,925 --> 00:08:35,325 if the submissive says these are the rewards I want, 215 00:08:35,355 --> 00:08:36,685 then they've taken the control 216 00:08:36,685 --> 00:08:37,845 away from the dominant know the fuck. 217 00:08:37,845 --> 00:08:42,525 They haven't, they've made sure that their wishes, wants, 218 00:08:42,695 --> 00:08:47,045 needs, likes are heard and seen and like here. 219 00:08:47,045 --> 00:08:49,125 Mm-Hmm. , here's so you can't fuck this up. 220 00:08:49,265 --> 00:08:50,885 I'm gonna be happy with any of this. 221 00:08:51,385 --> 00:08:53,125 And then all the power and control is still 222 00:08:53,125 --> 00:08:54,125 with the dominant Yeah. 223 00:08:54,345 --> 00:08:58,925 Um, the the thing, uh, the, 224 00:08:58,925 --> 00:09:00,645 the last question, lemme do the last question real quick. 225 00:09:00,645 --> 00:09:01,685 Okay. Before I go into my little, 226 00:09:01,865 --> 00:09:03,965 my little annoyance, mini rant. 227 00:09:04,435 --> 00:09:05,845 What do you think about additional acts 228 00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:08,365 of service as a reward? Uhuh. Mm-Hmm. 229 00:09:08,595 --> 00:09:12,285 - Uhuh. - Look, if you are a person 230 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:16,165 who does not do a lot of service as your submission, 231 00:09:16,165 --> 00:09:18,365 like you're not really a service sub 232 00:09:18,945 --> 00:09:21,365 or there are certain things that you 233 00:09:21,365 --> 00:09:25,325 and your partner have talked about in an erotic way, 234 00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:27,805 in a kink way, in a, ooh, 235 00:09:27,805 --> 00:09:32,325 this excites us both mutually way that from the 236 00:09:32,485 --> 00:09:33,725 outside looking in would look like service, 237 00:09:34,465 --> 00:09:35,765 but you're both into it. 238 00:09:35,765 --> 00:09:39,085 And maybe it's gonna be a super hot kink scene. Yeah. 239 00:09:39,085 --> 00:09:43,165 If that, if that does it for you, then service as a reward 240 00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:45,725 because the outcome of that service is something 241 00:09:45,725 --> 00:09:46,725 that you find pleasurable, 242 00:09:46,865 --> 00:09:49,485 or the act of that service is outside of your norm 243 00:09:49,705 --> 00:09:51,445 and something you find pleasurable. 244 00:09:51,835 --> 00:09:56,245 Yeah, sure. But , I'd be cranky if I got more work 245 00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:57,725 as a quote reward. Yeah. 246 00:09:58,165 --> 00:10:00,925 - I mean, at that point then you're just adding on the 247 00:10:00,925 --> 00:10:03,405 proverbial straws that broke the camel's back. Right. 248 00:10:03,865 --> 00:10:07,125 - But all of these questions aside, like our thoughts on 249 00:10:07,125 --> 00:10:08,925 that, we're basically to the person 250 00:10:09,165 --> 00:10:10,765 who asks this question, we're on your side. 251 00:10:11,585 --> 00:10:14,445 The first thing I have to ask, and it does tend to get lost, 252 00:10:14,505 --> 00:10:17,245 and it's not specifically explained here. 253 00:10:17,385 --> 00:10:18,805 So I have to ask the question, 254 00:10:19,555 --> 00:10:21,085 have you talked to your partner? 255 00:10:21,175 --> 00:10:23,365 Right. That's the first step in all of this. 256 00:10:23,985 --> 00:10:27,005 Um, and I, I recognize for, you know, 257 00:10:27,005 --> 00:10:28,445 depending on your power exchange and, 258 00:10:28,505 --> 00:10:31,725 and you know how comfortable you are with this and, 259 00:10:31,785 --> 00:10:33,645 and where you're at and how y'all communicate, 260 00:10:34,105 --> 00:10:36,965 it can feel demanding to go to your dom 261 00:10:36,965 --> 00:10:40,165 and be like, I had to wait six months for this reward. 262 00:10:40,895 --> 00:10:42,605 Thank you for it. But it's not complete. 263 00:10:42,605 --> 00:10:44,765 What are we gonna do about that can feel demanding? Mm-Hmm. 264 00:10:44,805 --> 00:10:46,685 . And, you know, 265 00:10:46,685 --> 00:10:47,925 there are some people out there who go, well, 266 00:10:47,925 --> 00:10:49,085 you just need to bring it up like that. 267 00:10:49,225 --> 00:10:51,245 I'm not that person. That's not my style. 268 00:10:51,425 --> 00:10:52,485 So what I would say is, 269 00:10:52,555 --> 00:10:55,685 however you communicate things, if 270 00:10:55,685 --> 00:10:58,645 that's a skill y'all have developed together, um, 271 00:10:58,995 --> 00:11:00,325 that are not always great. 272 00:11:00,395 --> 00:11:03,605 Like sometimes you have to tell your DMA hard thing. Right? 273 00:11:04,165 --> 00:11:07,125 I didn't like that scene. This is now a hard lemon. 274 00:11:07,325 --> 00:11:09,205 I didn't know. Mm-Hmm. , whatever. Right. 275 00:11:09,275 --> 00:11:10,485 Hard things come up. This is 276 00:11:10,485 --> 00:11:11,565 another one of those conversations. 277 00:11:11,585 --> 00:11:14,205 So however you usually would approach that, 278 00:11:14,945 --> 00:11:16,445 you gotta approach this the same way. 279 00:11:16,555 --> 00:11:17,685 There's this thinking that 280 00:11:17,685 --> 00:11:19,165 because something was labeled a gift 281 00:11:19,165 --> 00:11:21,845 or a reward, we as the recipient, 282 00:11:22,145 --> 00:11:24,645 and this is a societal thing, not just a submissive thing. 283 00:11:24,645 --> 00:11:26,205 Yeah. We're just supposed to be grateful for it. 284 00:11:26,205 --> 00:11:29,245 Well, if you gave me something I didn't want, didn't ask for 285 00:11:29,345 --> 00:11:32,325 and or created more work for me, I don't have to be fucking 286 00:11:32,885 --> 00:11:34,245 grateful for anything. 287 00:11:34,385 --> 00:11:36,045 - That's - True. Very true. Okay. 288 00:11:36,085 --> 00:11:37,485 I don't have to bow down to people 289 00:11:37,785 --> 00:11:39,285 and kiss their fucking ass 290 00:11:39,285 --> 00:11:43,365 because they didn't listen to anything I ever told them 291 00:11:43,905 --> 00:11:45,925 and decided that they knew me better 292 00:11:46,185 --> 00:11:47,645 or that they didn't care enough 293 00:11:47,825 --> 00:11:49,645 and just handed off some crap. 294 00:11:50,425 --> 00:11:52,725 I'm not saying that's what your do has done, 295 00:11:52,745 --> 00:11:55,845 but I'm also not saying you don't have every right to be 296 00:11:56,565 --> 00:11:58,245 a little too a lot cranky about it. 297 00:11:58,665 --> 00:12:01,005 So you have every right to bring this up 298 00:12:01,065 --> 00:12:06,045 and go, Hey, so rewards are a really important thing 299 00:12:06,045 --> 00:12:08,005 to me within our power exchange, 300 00:12:08,065 --> 00:12:10,805 and I've noticed that it's not consistent. 301 00:12:11,225 --> 00:12:13,925 And also here are two examples, 302 00:12:14,625 --> 00:12:16,485 and I didn't feel rewarded. 303 00:12:16,665 --> 00:12:18,285 Mm-Hmm. . Now how you're gonna talk 304 00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:21,205 to your partner depends on a lot of factors. 305 00:12:22,185 --> 00:12:25,005 Not, uh, the biggest is probably 306 00:12:25,025 --> 00:12:26,205 how you approach these things 307 00:12:26,225 --> 00:12:28,885 and how you know that they might react to it, 308 00:12:28,885 --> 00:12:30,045 that that affects things. 309 00:12:30,115 --> 00:12:32,885 Sure. I'm gonna approach you in a very gentle way when I 310 00:12:32,885 --> 00:12:35,165 think that the, the subject is touchy. 311 00:12:35,165 --> 00:12:37,565 Mm-Hmm. , I'm gonna be my snarky sassy self 312 00:12:37,595 --> 00:12:39,045 when I feel confident 313 00:12:39,355 --> 00:12:41,885 that you can ha like, you'll accept that. 314 00:12:41,885 --> 00:12:43,725 Right. You won't shut down from what I'm telling you. 315 00:12:43,725 --> 00:12:45,685 Mm-Hmm. . So if this feels like a touchy 316 00:12:45,685 --> 00:12:46,885 subject Yeah. 317 00:12:47,105 --> 00:12:49,405 Be gentle with it. Like ease into it. 318 00:12:49,855 --> 00:12:52,325 Don't, you know, come out the gate swinging 319 00:12:52,395 --> 00:12:54,445 with snark that might not work for y'all. 320 00:12:54,545 --> 00:12:55,925 I'm gonna assume it probably doesn't. 321 00:12:56,505 --> 00:12:57,725 But that's the first step. 322 00:12:57,725 --> 00:13:00,285 You've, you've got to have this conversation with them and, 323 00:13:00,465 --> 00:13:02,525 and say, you know what? 324 00:13:02,525 --> 00:13:05,965 You're happy to do what you're, you're glad you get to do, 325 00:13:06,225 --> 00:13:08,325 you know how fulfilling things are. 326 00:13:08,535 --> 00:13:12,165 Right? And then it's kind of that, uh, sandwich you do 327 00:13:12,165 --> 00:13:13,765 of the good thing, the bad thing, 328 00:13:13,765 --> 00:13:15,125 and then you end on the positive. 329 00:13:15,125 --> 00:13:17,405 Right. It, it doesn't always work 330 00:13:17,405 --> 00:13:18,725 and sometimes it's disingenuous. 331 00:13:18,725 --> 00:13:20,325 But I like to start with the positives. Hey, sure. 332 00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:22,725 Here's what's going great. Here's what I'm happy. Mm-Hmm. 333 00:13:22,765 --> 00:13:24,085 , I'm, this works for me. 334 00:13:24,985 --> 00:13:27,325 Here's what I, I would like us to work on. 335 00:13:27,435 --> 00:13:29,965 This needs improvement. Right. Can you help me with this? 336 00:13:29,965 --> 00:13:31,005 Yeah. Um, 337 00:13:31,905 --> 00:13:34,165 and how that conversation goes will depend 338 00:13:34,165 --> 00:13:35,285 a lot on how they react. 339 00:13:35,305 --> 00:13:36,445 Now the other thing I would say, 340 00:13:37,195 --> 00:13:40,965 because in my experience, just from having talked to a 341 00:13:42,105 --> 00:13:46,805 people, um, for in this way for 342 00:13:46,825 --> 00:13:51,205 so long, um, is that sometimes 343 00:13:52,055 --> 00:13:54,965 these issues aren't the only issues 344 00:13:55,345 --> 00:13:57,725 or they're a symptom of a larger mm-Hmm. 345 00:13:57,725 --> 00:14:00,845 Issue. Mm-Hmm. . So is your service 346 00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:04,805 acknowledged verbally in a way that you feel satisfied with? 347 00:14:04,905 --> 00:14:07,485 Do you feel seen in your power exchange? Mm-Hmm. 348 00:14:07,525 --> 00:14:12,165 Do you feel, um, like your partner, you know, 349 00:14:12,215 --> 00:14:14,485 shows an knowledge is what you do and, 350 00:14:14,665 --> 00:14:16,045 and there's gratitude being 351 00:14:16,045 --> 00:14:17,565 exchanged between the two of you? 352 00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:21,325 If you do, and this is just a little sticking issue to me, 353 00:14:21,525 --> 00:14:23,925 that conversation should not be that difficult 354 00:14:23,925 --> 00:14:26,445 because you can point out, look, you do this really well 355 00:14:26,505 --> 00:14:27,685 and this makes me feel great, 356 00:14:27,705 --> 00:14:29,005 but this is a thing 357 00:14:29,005 --> 00:14:30,925 where I can feel the resentment building. 358 00:14:31,185 --> 00:14:32,165 Mm-Hmm. , I'm gonna 359 00:14:32,165 --> 00:14:33,165 tell you, that's a hard conversation. 360 00:14:33,165 --> 00:14:35,965 There have been times in the not too distant past 361 00:14:35,965 --> 00:14:38,325 where I've had to go to JB and go here. 362 00:14:38,525 --> 00:14:41,685 I let me acknowledge the things that I know are true 363 00:14:41,905 --> 00:14:43,405 and that are struggles for both of us. 364 00:14:43,405 --> 00:14:45,405 Mm-Hmm. , I see the reality. 365 00:14:45,525 --> 00:14:47,205 I see that you're working hard. I see that you're stressed. 366 00:14:47,405 --> 00:14:50,085 I know what our life is like, but okay. Yeah. Yeah. 367 00:14:50,205 --> 00:14:52,405 I see you. And I'm trying to validate him 368 00:14:52,405 --> 00:14:54,805 because it's hard to then go, but here's the deal. 369 00:14:56,285 --> 00:14:57,845 I can feel the resentment building 370 00:14:58,145 --> 00:14:59,765 and I don't know what to do about that. 371 00:14:59,795 --> 00:15:02,805 Yeah. And so then in that kind of conversation, 372 00:15:02,965 --> 00:15:04,165 I can throw the ball in his court 373 00:15:04,165 --> 00:15:05,165 and go, here's how I'm feeling. 374 00:15:05,585 --> 00:15:07,365 Here's how we've gotten here in the past. 375 00:15:09,465 --> 00:15:11,645 You know, what can we do together to work on this? 376 00:15:12,395 --> 00:15:15,005 It's, but it's not easy to tell your partner that 377 00:15:15,005 --> 00:15:16,005 - No, no, it's not. 378 00:15:16,005 --> 00:15:19,645 But at the same time, if resentment is building that'll 379 00:15:19,645 --> 00:15:20,925 - Kill a relationship in a heartbeat, 380 00:15:20,925 --> 00:15:23,165 - That that's gonna, and you know, you, 381 00:15:23,185 --> 00:15:24,605 you can keep it bottled up inside. 382 00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:26,765 - It's gonna come out some way 383 00:15:26,865 --> 00:15:27,865 - At, at, at some point. 384 00:15:28,075 --> 00:15:30,845 It's just gonna blow like a volcano and, and come pouring 385 00:15:30,845 --> 00:15:31,845 - Out. 386 00:15:31,845 --> 00:15:33,165 And it's one of those things that what'll happen is most 387 00:15:33,165 --> 00:15:36,285 likely, um, you may blow up at a thing that 388 00:15:36,835 --> 00:15:39,725 does not seem proportional to the anger you're showing. Or 389 00:15:39,915 --> 00:15:40,915 - Yeah. 390 00:15:40,915 --> 00:15:44,245 - You may hit a point where it doesn't matter the good parts 391 00:15:44,245 --> 00:15:45,445 of the relationship you're done. 392 00:15:46,025 --> 00:15:48,725 And then those partners go, it came out of nowhere. 393 00:15:48,875 --> 00:15:50,645 It's like, nah, this didn't come outta nowhere. 394 00:15:50,915 --> 00:15:54,685 This was months, years, decades in the building. Mm-Hmm. 395 00:15:54,725 --> 00:15:55,845 , you just weren't paying attention. 396 00:15:56,585 --> 00:15:59,085 So if you have not had the conversation 397 00:15:59,195 --> 00:16:01,565 with your partner, that's where you start. 398 00:16:01,655 --> 00:16:03,445 Right? If they're trying to push back 399 00:16:03,705 --> 00:16:07,165 and say that you don't get to choose rewards, you get 400 00:16:07,165 --> 00:16:10,565 to push back and go, well, we need to have this conversation 401 00:16:10,565 --> 00:16:14,485 because you have, you have not filled my well, okay. 402 00:16:14,485 --> 00:16:16,525 Mm-Hmm, , you haven't done been consistent 403 00:16:16,545 --> 00:16:19,125 enough and you haven't given me things 404 00:16:19,755 --> 00:16:21,565 that make me feel rewarded. 405 00:16:22,225 --> 00:16:26,365 So let's talk about the things I need 406 00:16:27,265 --> 00:16:29,125 and then please choose from that. 407 00:16:29,125 --> 00:16:31,205 Because if you give me something outside of that 408 00:16:31,265 --> 00:16:33,725 or something outside of a conversation we've had where, 409 00:16:33,725 --> 00:16:35,125 you know, I would appreciate this. 410 00:16:35,435 --> 00:16:38,125 It's not a reward and I will not take it as such Mm-Hmm. 411 00:16:38,165 --> 00:16:42,125 , the, the way they respond to hearing, 412 00:16:42,985 --> 00:16:46,645 to being told that you are dissatisfied with something 413 00:16:46,645 --> 00:16:51,605 as they're submissive will give you some insight as to how 414 00:16:51,605 --> 00:16:53,125 to carry on and move forward. 415 00:16:53,785 --> 00:16:56,765 It is not easy to hear a negative thing, 416 00:16:57,065 --> 00:16:58,165 but if it's coming across 417 00:16:58,225 --> 00:17:00,725 as constructive criticism in the sense of, 418 00:17:01,125 --> 00:17:02,885 I want you to be good at this. 419 00:17:03,285 --> 00:17:05,445 I want us to handle this well, 420 00:17:05,605 --> 00:17:06,805 I want to move forward with this. 421 00:17:07,305 --> 00:17:08,685 If they're dismissive of you, 422 00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:11,085 I'm gonna bet they're dismissive of you in other areas, 423 00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:14,685 if they're, they may need time, they may gotta need 424 00:17:14,685 --> 00:17:16,565 to walk away and come back and like sit 425 00:17:16,565 --> 00:17:17,805 with their own hurt feelings. 426 00:17:17,905 --> 00:17:18,965 And that's a them mm-Hmm. 427 00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:22,005 problem for them to solve that is not for you 428 00:17:22,005 --> 00:17:23,685 to take on or for you to solve for them. 429 00:17:24,265 --> 00:17:26,125 If they can come back from hurt feelings 430 00:17:26,125 --> 00:17:27,325 or, you know, whatever, 431 00:17:27,545 --> 00:17:29,965 and have the con the adult conversation with you, 432 00:17:30,395 --> 00:17:31,645 then I think you can get there. 433 00:17:31,785 --> 00:17:34,205 It might take a few conversations in some changing 434 00:17:34,265 --> 00:17:35,885 of how they look at things. But, 435 00:17:36,265 --> 00:17:39,965 - And, and what you said about constructive criticism is, 436 00:17:40,065 --> 00:17:41,125 is so, so true. 437 00:17:41,665 --> 00:17:44,765 You know, don't come out of the gate saying, this is crap. 438 00:17:45,015 --> 00:17:46,365 - Right. This sucks. You suck. 439 00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:47,965 Everything sucks. Right. We not getting nowhere 440 00:17:47,965 --> 00:17:48,965 - With that. 441 00:17:48,965 --> 00:17:49,765 Um, you know, yeah, it may suck, but, 442 00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:51,805 - And that may be true, - But that's not, that may be true. 443 00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:53,685 But you know, you, you, 444 00:17:54,065 --> 00:17:56,205 you don't come outta the gate that way. 445 00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:59,845 Um, constructive criticism is, is a good thing. 446 00:17:59,905 --> 00:18:01,525 You know, it's like, Hey, you know, 447 00:18:02,545 --> 00:18:04,245 things have been going pretty good lately. 448 00:18:04,585 --> 00:18:08,125 Um, I'm, I'm happy about the way things are, 449 00:18:08,425 --> 00:18:10,325 but there, there's a couple things 450 00:18:10,325 --> 00:18:11,965 that could use a little bit of improvement. 451 00:18:11,975 --> 00:18:13,325 - Right? Here's some things I need, 452 00:18:13,445 --> 00:18:14,485 I like to come at you with. 453 00:18:14,745 --> 00:18:16,525 Here's what I need. Mm-Hmm. 454 00:18:16,565 --> 00:18:17,925 that I'm not receiving. 455 00:18:18,245 --> 00:18:21,525 I like to, I'm a, I'm a faller when it comes to . 456 00:18:21,665 --> 00:18:23,645 I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try and ease paths. 457 00:18:23,845 --> 00:18:25,845 'cause I have like conflict stuff 458 00:18:25,845 --> 00:18:27,725 that I don't handle well and that's a me thing. 459 00:18:27,725 --> 00:18:29,085 So everybody's got their own style with this. 460 00:18:29,505 --> 00:18:32,085 But I like to start with, here's what I'm happy with. 461 00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:33,565 Here's what you're doing well. 462 00:18:33,825 --> 00:18:36,565 And or I like to go, let me acknowledge what 463 00:18:36,565 --> 00:18:37,645 what I know is tough for you. 464 00:18:37,745 --> 00:18:39,805 Let me acknowledge where things have been rough, 465 00:18:39,805 --> 00:18:41,445 where you've been stressed, where like, mm-Hmm. 466 00:18:41,485 --> 00:18:43,245 . I like to put that out there first 467 00:18:43,425 --> 00:18:47,485 and then go all that being said, here's what I need 468 00:18:47,485 --> 00:18:48,845 and I don't know how we're gonna get there. 469 00:18:48,985 --> 00:18:51,405 How you know, here's what didn't go well 470 00:18:51,545 --> 00:18:52,725 and I need you to know 471 00:18:54,055 --> 00:18:57,405 those conversations become easier the more you do them. 472 00:18:57,865 --> 00:18:59,605 Mm-Hmm. the more you do them, 473 00:18:59,605 --> 00:19:01,645 if a partner is a good partner for you 474 00:19:01,905 --> 00:19:03,165 and is actively trying, 475 00:19:03,425 --> 00:19:04,965 the less you need to have those conversations. 476 00:19:04,965 --> 00:19:06,165 Mm-Hmm. , they don't stop completely. 477 00:19:06,365 --> 00:19:07,485 I mean, we've been together 10 years 478 00:19:07,505 --> 00:19:09,805 and there are absolutely still times one of us has to go, 479 00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:12,405 okay, I see what you're trying to do and I see you trying, 480 00:19:12,705 --> 00:19:14,045 but this isn't working for me. 481 00:19:14,275 --> 00:19:15,605 Yeah. This is what I need instead. 482 00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:18,525 And not only are we all fucking adults here 483 00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:20,005 and should be able to have these conversations, right. 484 00:19:20,005 --> 00:19:21,045 This is power exchange. 485 00:19:21,095 --> 00:19:23,485 These kinds of conversations have to happen 486 00:19:23,485 --> 00:19:25,485 because your dom is not a mind reader. 487 00:19:25,785 --> 00:19:27,365 If you've been unhappy with things, 488 00:19:27,385 --> 00:19:30,325 but you've never said anything, they can't improve on it. 489 00:19:30,325 --> 00:19:32,845 Right. Right. They also, doms also need to realize 490 00:19:32,845 --> 00:19:34,845 that they can't possibly be mind readers 491 00:19:34,865 --> 00:19:36,485 and want the feedback. 492 00:19:37,895 --> 00:19:39,325 Lemme go back to what I said at the top. 493 00:19:39,785 --> 00:19:43,205 How you do that might be determined by your power exchange. 494 00:19:43,535 --> 00:19:46,205 There might be certain times, there might be ways 495 00:19:46,225 --> 00:19:47,845 of speaking to one another that are, 496 00:19:47,845 --> 00:19:49,525 that you've built into your power exchange. 497 00:19:49,675 --> 00:19:52,765 Like I, uh, j b's rule with me is I can say anything I have 498 00:19:52,765 --> 00:19:54,565 to say to him, anything on my mind, 499 00:19:54,725 --> 00:19:56,045 I just have to be respectful about that. 500 00:19:56,045 --> 00:19:59,485 Correct. And the the reverse is true. I 501 00:19:59,485 --> 00:20:01,445 - Might not - Wanna hear that I followed down on 502 00:20:01,445 --> 00:20:02,085 - The job. It goes both ways. 503 00:20:02,085 --> 00:20:05,245 - Yeah. But as long as he comes at me with kindness and love 504 00:20:05,665 --> 00:20:08,245 and respect, he can say whatever he needs to say. 505 00:20:08,255 --> 00:20:11,445 Right. How I feel about it and how I react to it. 506 00:20:11,505 --> 00:20:13,365 That's my problem to deal with and to work through. 507 00:20:13,625 --> 00:20:14,965 And sometimes we can work through that together. 508 00:20:15,145 --> 00:20:16,725 And sometimes I gotta go off to my corner 509 00:20:17,105 --> 00:20:19,845 and pout by my damn self and then go, 510 00:20:20,185 --> 00:20:22,245 but wait, this relationship is more important 511 00:20:22,245 --> 00:20:23,685 to me than my hurt feelings. 512 00:20:23,775 --> 00:20:25,085 Let's work through this. Mm-Hmm. 513 00:20:25,125 --> 00:20:29,205 that's what mature adults who are, who have 514 00:20:29,265 --> 00:20:31,845 or are learning communication skills are gonna do. 515 00:20:32,925 --> 00:20:34,605 I hope your partner is like that. 516 00:20:35,005 --> 00:20:38,125 I hope that you can approach your dom in a way that works 517 00:20:38,125 --> 00:20:40,045 for your power exchange and go, Hey, this, 518 00:20:40,045 --> 00:20:41,245 this hasn't been working for me. 519 00:20:41,695 --> 00:20:43,285 Right. And then you can have the conversation, 520 00:20:43,505 --> 00:20:45,005 but you have to have that conversation. 521 00:20:45,705 --> 00:20:48,165 So while Lola is howling in the background, 522 00:20:48,535 --> 00:20:50,445 we're gonna let her keep howling for a minute. 523 00:20:50,895 --> 00:20:53,485 Let's recap. Yeah. Yes. 524 00:20:53,635 --> 00:20:58,165 Submissives can choose to a certain degree their own rewards 525 00:20:58,165 --> 00:20:59,725 that can be very explicit of Mm-Hmm. 526 00:20:59,725 --> 00:21:01,005 In this situation. Give me this. 527 00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:04,445 Or it can be a here's my laundry list of things I like 528 00:21:04,945 --> 00:21:06,565 and your dom picks. 529 00:21:07,025 --> 00:21:10,045 Um, yes. Rewards are part of negotiation. Correct. 530 00:21:10,045 --> 00:21:12,245 Just as much as punishment is just as much as consequences. 531 00:21:12,315 --> 00:21:14,965 Just as much as any other part of a power exchange. 532 00:21:15,665 --> 00:21:18,365 And, um, no, I'm not a fan as more service 533 00:21:18,465 --> 00:21:20,525 as an air quote reward personally . 534 00:21:21,305 --> 00:21:23,645 But the first, you gotta have the conversation. Yeah. 535 00:21:23,705 --> 00:21:25,485 And from there then you may, 536 00:21:25,545 --> 00:21:26,965 you may know how to move forward. 537 00:21:27,105 --> 00:21:30,005 Mm-Hmm. . So, uh, if you 538 00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:33,645 got any, I I think we've covered it. 539 00:21:34,035 --> 00:21:38,045 Okay. Okay. Um, yeah, thanks for listening 540 00:21:38,045 --> 00:21:39,285 to this week's q and a episode. 541 00:21:39,345 --> 00:21:40,965 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 542 00:21:41,115 --> 00:21:44,445 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net 543 00:21:44,585 --> 00:21:46,245 or you can find the link in the show notes. 544 00:21:46,625 --> 00:21:49,125 Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon, 545 00:21:49,295 --> 00:21:51,525 we're able to do this podcast and keep it going 546 00:21:51,525 --> 00:21:53,365 and help Sters due to your support. 547 00:21:53,825 --> 00:21:55,485 If you'd like to be part of our community 548 00:21:55,485 --> 00:21:56,685 and get access to extra content 549 00:21:56,745 --> 00:21:58,765 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 550 00:21:58,765 --> 00:22:00,325 super nice kinks, you can do that. 551 00:22:00,675 --> 00:22:03,285 Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. 552 00:22:03,305 --> 00:22:06,005 That's patreon.com/kayla lords. 553 00:22:06,025 --> 00:22:07,325 Or use the link in the show notes.