- You are listening to Loving BDSM podcast, episode 3 76.
Kayla Lord's here with a one, the only,
the guy who's doing like a really new hand movement thing
to give me my cue that I can start talking.
And it feels a little bit like interpretive dance.
John Brownstone . What is happening there?
You had an arm thing, A finger thing, A head thing.
Like you, your whole body was in it.
- I'm just getting into the moment.
- Clearly it was a dramatic interpretation. Yeah.
Of 1, 2, 3, go. , actually, to be accurate.
3, 2, 1. Go. .
- Right? There you go. There you go. Get it right.
- . Yeah.
I don't wanna misrepresent your, uh, your, uh,
bold new moves there. Thank you,
- .
- I'm gonna have to get video of that at some point
and like, make that a reel or a short or something
and be like, oh, look, here's the,
Lola has opinions about it too.
- I see that. - Uh, for the record, that's not
what we're talking about this week.
Uh, this week we're answering more questions, uh,
because we're tired and we find these fun.
These are about
how well we know each other in our relationship.
Hmm. Uh, spoiler alert, none
of these questions are specifically kink related, though.
I did kink up one question.
Ah, well, 'cause it was a question about sex.
I went No, no, no, no, no. Let's,
let's talk about kink on that one.
So yeah, these are more like non kink, like basic,
but in depth good questions.
So that's what we're doing this week. Alright.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
If this is your first time listening, glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
So says Lola Loving.
B DSM is producer Every Mon Friday and Monday.
Uh, for your Kiki pleasure and education
and show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add the podcast
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at Loving BDSM on FetLife at loving BDSM PC
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So that's at Loving DSS one,
or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving
bdsm, where you can watch us live.
Stream the podcast every Wednesday.
As long as YouTube has 'em put us on the corner.
all links are in the show notes.
A big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon,
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to keep doing this weird thing we do on the internet in
large part because of our kinky patrons.
And we're fucking grateful for every one of you.
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That's patreon.com/kayla lords,
or use the link in the show notes.
There you go. Okay. Clicked. I feel very out of practice.
It was just one unplanned week off,
and I feel very, uh, very out of practice.
. How does this work?
I don't know, but we're gonna pretend we have a clue.
Anyway, so this week's episode was inspired by, um,
another therapy.
Jeff Post. Actually, I found two and I sent them both to JB
and went, oh, let's answer these questions.
Um, and, um, we went with this one.
The other ones are spicy,
but I just wasn't feeling in a spicy mood today.
Um, so as you can tell from the titles, we're gonna find out
how well we know one another according
to relationship questions.
That therapy Jeff on Instagram,
who is likely also on TikTok, um, poses.
So if you were interested in therapy, Jeff, these questions,
uh, any of that I have linked to it, uh, in the places.
So you can go watch the,
it's the Instagram reel 'cause I'm not on TikTok.
Um, so what we're gonna do is I'm gonna ask JB the question
and what the question is, is it's how well he knows me
and what he thinks I would do with in terms of the question.
And then after he answers, I'll give the answer of
what I think he would do, and we'll compare notes
and see if, if we know each other well
enough and we're getting it right.
And it's sort of a, um, intimacy, vulnerability,
how we behave Mm-Hmm.
kind of stuff. Um, so let's see.
Um, okay. First question.
- Okay. , - I'm afraid
'cause I don't even think I know the answer to this.
Ah, what is the first sign that I am annoyed with you?
- Ooh, .
- I don't, I tried to think of if I knew the answer.
I, I couldn't. I didn't, wasn't sure .
- Well, here, here is
what I have noticed. Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. - My perspective.
Mm-Hmm. . Two things.
- Okay. - First I'll get the eye roll,
- But I just walk around rolling my eyes. Is it a
- Certain eye roll?
This is a different eye roll. This is like a
- Oh, with the breath .
- And, and it's,
and it, it's accompanied with a sigh .
- Mm-Hmm. . I, I can't, I can't deny
that if I'm rolling my eyes
and sighing deeply and heavily.
Yeah. More often than not, I'm annoyed. Right.
But I might not be annoyed with you.
I might be annoyed with the situation.
- That's true. But it, you know, when it, it's,
it comes down to me too.
I get the Yeah. I'm, I'm like a situation too sometimes.
Okay. You definitely are
- .
You absolute. I completely are.
- Yeah. - Was that the two together? Okay.
- That was, that was the two together.
- Okay. So, - So now for me,
- First sign that you're annoyed with me.
Yeah. My first sign that it's genuine annoyance tends to be,
be either the tone of your voice.
'cause it gets sharp and I usually
interpret it as I'm being yelled at.
And I don't handle that well. Mm-Hmm. Thank you.
Childhood trauma. Um,
or you get real,
um, short with your answers.
Mm-Hmm. Like, you don't give me full sentences.
You don't, won't even sometimes look at me.
If you're really annoyed, you'll answer me.
But you're either real sharp with your tone
or real short with your responses.
And what kills me is I think, go, what's going on?
Is everything okay? Are you okay? He's like, I'm fine.
Which is the universal sign that he's not fine.
Um, . But yeah.
And then now there are times I'm oblivious to that.
We get all the way to the point of, you're like, you're,
when I say if you know the term, when I say barking,
I do not mean literally like a dog,
but like your, your answers are loud, sharp,
and short all at the same time.
That's when I've been oblivious to the annoyance.
And then we're at like, the next step, the next level
of annoyance, .
Um, so yeah. Yeah. We have clearly have obvious tells.
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Next
- Question.
Yeah. All right.
- . And we'll say, when we say in the mood here,
it can be sexually or for kink.
Okay. Mm-Hmm. . What's the most effective move
or phrase to get me in the mood?
- Ooh. Since your libido tank has been
so long, I don't remember. .
- Well, how do we navigate it now? That's our reality. Now
- Thus far.
I would have to say the best way
to get you in the mood at this point sexually, is
to have you read a reverse harem book. Oh,
- The reverse harem doesn't for me.
. . Yeah. Leave me the fuck alone.
Let me read, let it be.
Doesn't have to be well written, like, written well enough
that I like, am engaged with it and we'll, Mm-Hmm.
, the story's gotta be good.
The sex has gotta be hot.
Right. I like reverse harems
that more when everybody interacts.
Like, it's not just all these men on this one woman.
It's like, oh, I'll interact with you
and then, then we're crossing over that.
But yes, yes, you're right. Reverse harem
- Does it. Alright.
- What about getting me in - The kink and kink wise?
Mm-Hmm. . Um, now sometimes all
that takes is walking by you
and giving you a swat on the ass.
And you'll be like, don't threaten me with a good time.
.
- I try to keep the signals real clear for you
so you don't have to worry. Yeah, yeah.
- Exactly. Exactly. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
. You know, so that, uh,
that, that kind of does it.
Or if I just leave a specific toy out
- Oh yeah.
I'm either like terrified or I'm really intrigued. Right.
But either way I'll bend over. That's
- Fine.
Right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay.
- So the most, what I think the most effective move
or phrase to get you in the mood.
Mm-Hmm. . First of all, I don't really,
if I say come straight out and go, I'd like to fuck.
That's it. That's, we're done. Done. You're good.
You're like, all right, ,
because you know, I'm gonna, I'm not gonna just say
that at a time as like, random or not gonna hurt.
Right. Um, I have found that whether we're for,
for sexually, if I just like start touching you
or getting close to you or rubbing up on you Yeah.
And I don't have to touch a body part,
like a specific body part.
I mean, there's no genital contact.
I can rub the top of your head. I can lean into your arm.
I can start stroking your beard.
Now I, because I know you really like touch. Right.
When I just do it as a one-off
and keep walking, that is not what Mm-Hmm.
. It's when I give you my focused
attention. Exactly.
- Right. - Yeah. That's the extent.
Because that's, I'm signaling
and then he better take control. 'cause I don't know
- What the fuck we're doing.
Right. And you're right, because touch is
very important to me, right? Yeah.
- Now for kink, I actually am
really direct with you on that.
You are. I'll be like,
I could really go for a spanking Mm-Hmm.
or, you know, what I've been thinking about
as, you know, having the Hitachi strapped me
and me being helpless and I just say it like when
it's kink, I just, yeah.
Mm-Hmm. , I just say it. Mm-Hmm. .
And that seems to work for you, . Yeah.
- Well, I mean, we, we've always kind
of been a, a little direct on that.
I mean, we even had a, um, back in the early days,
we even made a signal for when you wanted
to be spanked, you'd
- Say, oh, yeah.
But that was like a maintenance or a therapeutic spanking.
True. True. That wasn't like, let's get kinky.
Like I'm true. Yeah, yeah. True. But we did have a signal.
You're right. Yeah. Okay. Next question.
When I'm stressed Mm-Hmm.
, what do I find most helpful?
Venting, problem solving, distraction,
giving space, or hooking up.
Well, we know which one, it's not .
- Hmm. So for you,
um, outta that list, I, I would pick two things. Mm-Hmm.
- , - I would have
to go definitely with venting.
- Oh yeah. Please let me Yeah.
- Release some steam. You, you, you need to pressure pot.
Yeah. Yep, yep, yep. Like, yeah, exactly.
Like a pressure pot. You need to let off some of that.
Mm-Hmm. that pent up frustration
and, you know, get it, get it out of the system.
Mm-Hmm. . And,
and there's also, um, a, a bit
of giving you space as
- Well.
Mm mm Yeah.
'cause until I'm ready, like, until I'm calm enough
or focused enough
or like in the right mindset, like I don't want to talk
because I'm just, I'm gonna stay stressed.
Because what happens is when I get stressed, I get annoyed.
Yeah. And then we're back to eye rolling
and sighing, ,
- It's like a vicious cycle,
- Which just presents not always you
who are the annoyance, it's the
situation. So,
- So yeah.
Those, those are the definitely the two things
I would go with for you.
- Yeah. I mean, yeah. I do.
I have, I'll say I've always appreciated about you
and I don't always give it to you ,
but I appreciate that you just let me vent.
Mm-Hmm. . And you don't
immediately go into problem solving.
I think in the very beginning, we, we both definitely did.
And we talked it through and went, this is not helpful.
And so we just stopped. Right.
Um, I do still want to go, like,
I wanna fix your problems immediately as you're Mm-Hmm.
as the person who loves you,
but also that's my service sub self.
So that's what I do.
That's not what you want. Mm-Hmm. .
- I think, I think what helped change my mind on
that a little bit, because, um, I've, I've always been a bit
of a fixer myself.
Um, saw the video, it's not about the nail.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You remember that? Vaguely.
You might have to explain it.
'cause I can't explain all the,
- Um, woman has a nail in her forehead.
Mm. And and she's just like griping on about the headache
and, and all this from what I kind of remember of it. Yeah.
- And yeah, there's all these things going wrong
because there's a nail in her forehead.
Right. As you would imagine if there was
a nail in your forehead.
- Right. And her partner is,
you know, trying to explain, you know, just
- Take, take the nail outta your front
- Nail.
Yeah. And what it came down
to in the end is it's not about the nail,
it's about just being able to, let
- Me just share my frustration with you.
Yeah. Yeah. Just listen to me. Right.
So when you're stressed, what do you find most helpful?
Mm-Hmm. , venting, problem solving,
distraction, giving space, or hooking up.
So I think you are, you do vent at times.
Mm-Hmm. like, when it gets really bad,
you do kind of, you'll explode.
But I've noticed that the first thing you will sometimes,
or one of the things you'll do is you'll distract yourself
and you kind, you wanna be alone
until you've thought it through.
Right? Yeah. Third in that list is the venting.
Once you've, like, you're probably playing solitaire on the
computer or reading porn.
Mm-Hmm. or watching porn, um,
or playing a game on your phone.
You're doing one of those things. You're go-to distractions.
You're gonna do that first. Mm-Hmm.
you while you're being distracted.
You don't want me to distract you.
You wanna distract yourself. Yeah.
While that's happening, you would prefer space.
You don't want me to come talk. You don't want me
to come ask what's wrong?
Mm-Hmm. . You also don't want me
to inundate you with too many other things
unless work is a distraction.
But then because you're stressed,
you're easily annoyed.
And then we get your signs of annoyance
because you're not really annoyed with me.
You're annoyed at the situation,
but your distraction is work.
And I'm talking about work
and you really don't wanna hear what I have to say.
You're trying to distract yourself with work. Yes.
I have figured this man out. Did, is there any question?
. So we're gonna go with distract,
then give you space,
and then when you're ready after space Mm-Hmm.
Then you want to vent. And I have to remind myself that just
'cause he's done all the work to distract and get space
and he's ready to vent.
He is not ready for me to fix it at all.
'cause then we're back to annoyance
and we're getting short, sharp answers.
. It's a cycle, but yeah,
- It's a cycle.
- When the, the only time we really have a lot
of conflict about when you're stressed.
Mm-Hmm. when I try to fix, well, he's venting
and I'm, I'm learning and I'm doing better on that.
But if we choose to use work as your distraction,
which I use when I'm stressed as well.
Mm-Hmm. , um, we don't have
productive conversations.
No. We can't plan anything.
I literally just have to let you go do the thing
and save business conversations for when you're not actively
- Stressed.
Yeah. 'cause I'll, um, I I do tend to go quiet.
And there have been times where I have gotten so quiet
to the point you've had to drag it outta me.
Mm-Hmm. .
- Yes. Yeah. That's, then that's when we're at the end
of it because Mm-Hmm.
, your behavior has changed.
Kind of treating me a little bit shitty.
You're walking around acting a little shitty.
Not like bad, like negative, like nothing like
that could end a relationship.
Right. But you're just like, there's a storm cloud over your
head and you lash out.
. True. You, I mean you,
the cancer symbol is a fucking crab for a fucking Right.
Like you lash out. Mm-Hmm. . And so, yeah.
Yeah. Okay. Okay, here
- We go. All right.
- What feels more loving to me?
Cuddles on the couch being told why you left me,
or having dinner made in the house cleaned.
So we've got touch, we've got words of affirmation
or we've got acts of service. .
- I I would have to, I would have to say with you, it, it's,
oddly enough, it's gonna come down to acts
of service doing things. Mm-Hmm.
- take my load. Yeah. Up off.
Give me one less thing to worry about. Yeah.
- Yeah. I mean, cuddles for you are nice,
but you're not really a, a touch me person.
- Okay. Yeah. - I'm not . Same.
Makes me wondered how I ended up in this. You know,
- You should be glad I'm a service sub.
That's how you get touched .
- That's true. . And, um,
you, you've had the conversation with me numerous times,
how it's not words of love.
No. I don't that mean anything to you.
It's act the actions Right.
- Behind the words. So, and you,
there's, there's two parts to that.
Mm-Hmm. . My dad never said it.
He did not say he just was not word that way.
And I know that's not healthy, but there are.
But he, and he would actually tell me he would justify.
I don't say it a lot, but everything I do for your mother
is meant to show her that I love her.
And quite frankly, if as an adult, if he was still alive,
I'd have been like, she kind of needed to hear it sometimes.
Right. Because that, that fucks you up. Right.
So he taught me about how you show somebody you love them,
but I was so starved to hear it.
As you can tell from Lola, she too is starved for love.
Um, I was so starved to hear it that him, the first person
who told me consistently he loved me.
I married him, but he never followed through on it.
So I became very quickly.
Uh, I don't, I want to hear it every so often.
I, you know, it makes me feel warm, fuzzy,
but I'd much rather you like back that shit up
with here I see you, I acknowledge you.
What, what do you need help with?
What can I do to do my part?
Like I'm even unlearning
that whole doing stuff around the house.
Mm-Hmm. . That's not helping me.
That's help, that's taking care of the house. Right. Right.
But I'll still say that's helping me. It's not helping me.
That's helping everybody. Mm-Hmm. .
But when you acknowledge to yourself in some way
that you see what I'm going through
and then try to take the load off for me.
Yeah. And try to do something
that, you know, I would normally do.
So I have one list like that to me. Yes. That's love.
Like, that's, that's fucking love. Yeah. Well, I mean,
- Even like, like last night, um,
you know, you were out with your mom.
I was, I was going out to the munch. Mm-Hmm. .
And you were already gone. I was here by my lonesome Mm-Hmm.
. And, you know,
I made sure the fur babies were all fed and taken care of.
And then I did the dishes, whatever dishes there were,
I was just, I was thinking to myself, I certainly don't want
to come home after lunch and worry about dishes
and you're out with your mom, just,
you know, enjoying your time.
Why should you have to come home and do dishes?
So I took care of all that.
- I know. And then, because I am a stubborn bitch
who takes service very seriously, I was like,
but I was gonna do dishes
because I'm thinking the same thing.
I don't want you to have to come
home to him, blah, blah, blah.
Mm-Hmm. . So, yeah. Okay. So in reverse, okay.
What do I think feels more loving to you?
Cuddles on the couch, being told why you love them.
Or having dinner made in the house clean.
'cause your thing is touch.
Anytime I cuddle with you, you practically melts. Yeah.
And now, and, and it's hard for me to cuddle one,
it doesn't feel like natural to me.
Like it can get, feel awkward sometimes.
Two, I get fucking hot
and then I'm like, oh God, don't touch me.
I love you so much. Don't touch me.
Um, so I do like a light version of,
it's not cuddles, it's just touch.
Mm-Hmm. . Like, if I'm walking past you,
I'll like rub the top of your head.
Yes. Or I'll stroke your cheek. Or I'll put my hand.
'cause I know you like touch. Mm-Hmm. .
Like, that's sort of a, we say that we love one another.
That's not a, a difficult thing for us at all. Right.
I kind of have learned over time
that it's gonna be more meaningful
to you if I make contact with you.
Correct. Yeah. And so that's like,
that's my silent way of like going.
That's right. I love you. See,
- You're my person.
I need, I need to find out if anybody holds a cuddle
puddle anywhere here locally.
- Yeah. You got, that's all you, that's so all you,
you have a good ass time.
See, I'd be like, why are people touching me?
I don't know these people well enough. I'm hot, I'm sweaty.
Something doesn't feel right. I'm itchy. I want No, nope.
Mm mm You can cuddle me.
Um, I am, I hug some people, like,
like enthusiastically and others.
It takes me a very long time.
Like once I'm at a level
that I hug somebody, I fucking hug them.
But I don't, I don't do long hugs. I had to learn.
Now this is a little off topic,
but it goes with my weirdness about touch.
Mm-Hmm. . I read a thing when the kids were
little that wasn't really about parenting.
It, it's just about relationships with people.
But I think they were in the aspect of parenting, they said,
when somebody hugs you, especially a kid,
but anybody, when somebody hugs you, they initiate it.
Hug them until they let go and let them decide.
Because they initiated 'cause they needed the hug.
Or they wanted the hug. Okay. Okay. So I, that one hit me.
I think maybe, 'cause I have to teach myself this stuff.
And so with the kids, I started with them.
If they were willing to come up for a hug, we just hug
until, and I can actually tell, they'll like,
melt into me like this, this is comforting,
soothing, whatever, whatever.
Mm-Hmm. . And I don't chase around for hugs
'cause they don't necessarily want that.
Um, and so I had done that for so many years with the kids
that I can easily do it with you.
But it's a, a love thing with other people
that Yeah, I'm willing to hug.
I'm, I'm ready to be done fairly quickly.
Even if I'm enthusiastically hugging. I'm like, Mm-Hmm.
. Okay. I'm, we're good. We're good.
We're good. . Um,
but from a, I'm, I'm initiating intimacy and love
and I wanna know, I want the other person
to know how loved they are.
And they're close to me like that their family then Yeah.
I do it that way. Okay. Okay.
Here's our, here's our question. I kinked up.
It was about sex, but we're gonna do it about kink. Okay.
Right. Um, on a scale of one to 10,
how would I rate the first time we got kinky
and we'll say physically kinky together?
Yeah. When we were in person,
not what we did over the phone.
- Right. Right. Um, ,
I would've to say probably a nine.
- Yeah. I, I put, I mean, it's one of my favorite memories.
So I would probably be closer to 10. Okay.
But when I'm enthusiastic, I give everybody tens.
I'm gold stars for everybody . Right.
Like, I can rate a poorly written book a five
because it moved me, made me cry.
And I can't stop thinking about it. Yeah.
So, um, 'cause yeah, like we had a blip. Mm-Hmm.
where I had to safe word. Right.
Which is why in reverse I would say you'd probably rate it
like a seven or eight because I think it threw you off
that I had to safe word.
Mm-Hmm. . But you handled that so well.
That it's not, it in the memory banks of that moment.
It's not a negative, it's a thing that happened
and then it got handled so well and we moved on from it.
True. True. That I don't carry negative
memories of that. Okay.
- Okay. - Which is why for me, I'm like, no, no.
That was a 10. Like I fucking greeted you
at the door on my knees.
You did. I did also tell a near stranger.
'cause that's who he was at the time
to just walk in my front door.
I do not recommend that for anybody else, .
But it worked out for us
because I, that's how I wanted to greet you.
- I know. - And then we got
so enthusiastic you came out the gate like hitting
- Hard stomping at the bit . Right. And
- So then I had the safe word, which is, I mean, I can do it
with ease now, but it's still never a comfortable feeling.
Yeah. Because you want, you know,
from my perspective, I wanna be able to take it.
I want, I don't wanna stop you, you're into it. Mm-Hmm.
. But you know,
I've got enough experience now to know
that No, no, no. This is right.
- And, and that was prior to us using the stoplight system.
When I do check-ins, you know, to give you,
give me a color. Right.
- It was just red. I, if I needed it to stop, it was red.
And I think by, by the time my, my brain
and my mouth were working together,
I was screaming Red, red,
- Red, - , .
And it even took you a second to hear it. Yeah.
And to, for it to penetrate your brain.
- and to Yeah, exactly.
- . But yeah. So if I'm, I would say
because of that, I would think that you would rate it lower.
Not 'cause you didn't have a good time, but
because I know that kind of fucks you up.
Mm-Hmm. , when you are the, you go
to hard or something Yeah.
Goes wrong on your end. Like, you are so forgiving of me.
If something goes wrong on my end
and there's nothing that can really go wrong,
but, you know, like if it's my muscle cramp
or my body or whatever Mm-Hmm.
, that might make me feel
guilty that I had to stop.
Which I'm way better at that too. I don't feel
- Guilty about it.
Well, I mean you and just the way I'm wired,
I'd been more upset if you didn't Oh yeah, for sure.
We had that conversation night and,
and I found out later that you Right. Wanted to,
- That would, I think just that moment, even though we did
so much in that first scene Mm-Hmm.
. Um, I think
that would have lowered the rating of the moment for you.
Like I, you wouldn't, it wouldn't be a good, good memory.
Right. If you carried any amount of guilt
or annoyance or anger.
Mm-Hmm. or whatever, because I
didn't use my safe word.
Yeah. Okay. Uh, ,
- Uh, oh.
- From, what do you think that I see
as the biggest imbalance in our relationship that could lead
to long-term resentment?
That's a complicated question.
- It is. It is.
Wow.
- .
I mean, I've already got an answer, so if you need a minute
to think, that's fine. I, I
- Would have to say probably where, where
we run into hiccups
and road bumps, so to speak, speed bumps, uh,
is, is not necessarily in work,
but in divvying up the household stuff.
Mm-Hmm. . I, I think that's where, where that
is that little, um, linchpin maybe, or Yeah.
You know.
- Yeah. I mean, if I feel like I'm, so,
I constantly do this push pull
of there are things I wanna do
because it's part of who I am as a service sub.
I want to take care of you. Mm-Hmm.
, I want to do certain things.
I want to know I have done them. It's also a control issue.
, if that seems foreign to you, be lucky that
that doesn't, that that clearly
doesn't, isn't part of who you are.
Um, so like, there are things I want to do
because it'll be done the way I want it to be done.
It'll be Right. It helps you.
It's Mm-Hmm, it's me doing it.
And so blah blah, like blah, all that stuff. Okay.
However,
- - One, there's just a lot of shit that,
that I do by default, whether I want to or not. You do.
- You - Do. Because I'm either the, the right one
for the job or like the just Mm-Hmm.
and certain things,
like I'm the kid's biological mother.
It is way easier for me
to handle all doctor's appointments, all the this, all the, that.
'cause ain't nobody gonna look cross-eyed at me.
Like I, it's just whatever. True.
Um, but what happens is all
of those things build up and then Yeah.
I get, I get a bit of like a, a martyr complex
of I'm doing everything.
I'm doing everything. And I'm not good at speaking up. No.
And going, Hey, .
But sometimes I think we've talked about this
before in past episodes.
What I don't always need you to do the thing.
I need to be acknowledged. Acknowledged how much I'm doing.
Yeah. And if I feel seen, I can,
I'm usually okay when I need,
I've gotten much better when I need help
going. I, I need you to
- Tell me with this you have, you have in, in the beginning,
you would not ask for help. Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. . - Hell would freeze over
before you'd ask for help. Mm-Hmm.
- . And now there's many reasons for that,
but yeah, I've gotten better about that.
Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
- Hey, - This is a weird question.
Trying to ask in reverse.
- Okay. - Okay.
So I've got to say, what I think you see
is the biggest imbalance in our relationship that could lead
to long-term resentment.
And weirdly, and I think it's 'cause we're power exchange.
I don't think it's imbalance
because the, we've negotiated an imbalance.
Mm-Hmm. , you are the decider.
You are the one in charge. Right.
I think the imbalance,
and it's actually something I think we've overcome.
I, but if we slipped back into old ways
and old patterns of thinking,
I think that this would happen.
So you tell me if you think I'm wrong.
- That Okay. - And that is parenting.
And actually I had a little bit of, I had
to go have some conversations with myself
'cause I had a little bit of hurt feelings yesterday or day
before on parenting because of that.
Because you have your own bad tapes and stuff.
Mm-Hmm. with previous relationships
and the way you were treated as the stepparent
and the way you, um, how things were handled when the kids
did not behave or whatever.
And so you are always primed
and ready for that to occur again.
And early in our living together relationship, the one
of our biggest points of conflict was you worrying
that I was gonna let my kids run wild.
As if I could tolerate that shit. Like behaviorally.
Like, just do what the fuck you want. I don't care.
Rules don't matter. Like, And
or that I was going to negate anything and everything.
You said, like we struggled with disagreeing as parents,
which were honest disagreements
because you had the struggle of seeing it
as an honest disagreement.
Let's find our way to a middle
and a ha something we could work with together.
You were constantly struggling with, oh,
I recognize this from 20 years ago
and when that happened, this is how I was treated.
And so , I feel like if anything's gonna feel like an
imbalance, it's gonna be a conflict in parenting
that if we don't navigate correctly,
you're gonna feel resentment over.
Mm-Hmm. . Now , Knowing that
I try to walk a, a very fine line.
Mm-Hmm. with making sure my kids' needs are
met and that I feel like they're being,
'cause I'm the default parent.
This is like the one area of our life.
There's no power exchange. Right. We are equals.
And to a certain extent, I actually lead that. Right?
'cause if you're gonna go to all the doctor's appointments,
all the kids things, you're gonna do the school thing,
you're gonna like, you just know more.
And so Mm-Hmm. , you gotta be the leader in
that and go, okay, here's how this is working.
But you, you struggle against that 'cause of bad tapes and
because you don't like feeling outta control,
you really don't like feeling outta control. ,
- I don't know where you get that from.
- Oh my god. Where
- You get that.
So there are times I give in and,
and go, is this thing that he feels really
serious about and strongly about?
Is it going against my ethos as a parent?
Do I feel like this is wrong for the kids? No. Do I like it?
No. 'cause I like to be in charge two of this.
Um, I have control issues on my phone, ,
but sometimes I just let you have the win
because it's it for the greater good.
'cause if, if I'm constantly going, I disagree with you,
I disagree with you, I disagree with you.
Well, one, you don't feel like you have
any agency as a parent.
And you do. I mean, yeah, I'm default on a lot of things.
But you raise these kids too. You have expectations.
They have to, you know, you gotta work with that too.
Um, but yeah, that's, I feel like
that's the thing I'm constantly like trying to balance so
that you don't feel an imbalance.
So it doesn't lead to resentment. Mm-Hmm. .
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. Gee.
Shocking that I knew that . Okay.
What I'm gonna use grammatically incorrect.
'cause the correct grammar feels weird.
What is one short term
and what is what long-term goal that I am striving for?
- Hmm. - I, I think,
um, to a,
a good extent.
I think we are both on the same page
with this, with the answer I'm about to give you. Yes. I
- Would say our, our short and long-term goals are
very, very much in line.
- Okay. So, um, short term,
I, I think it would be making
what we do between loving BDSM, between the kry,
between, you know, all the other little things.
We, our, every hustle
- We have , - We we dabble our fingers in to,
to making those more viable.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, the long term of that would be
to become more financially stable and,
and reduce our debt. Who,
- Or just that debt.
Yeah. Yeah. I don't ever think about that too hard.
'cause then I would never sleep again. I know.
- Yeah. Yeah. But I, I, I think that's something that I,
I could almost confidently say we share.
- Yes. I think like short term, the
how is slightly different
because we have different
interests and we're working on different things.
Like you're focused on the kry, which of course I am.
But you're thinking of your vanilla shop.
And I'm over here going, I'm focused on loving BDSM
and the Ry Oh.
And all these other things. 'cause of course I am Mm-Hmm.
. Um, and then, yeah, I would agree.
I, our short-term and long-term goals are
absolutely one and the same.
We are in sync with that. Yeah.
The, how we're trying to get there,
the little things we're working on the details part
might, there's the variation.
Mm-Hmm. . But not by much
because we're still Right.
We walk in the same fucking path together.
- Either way. Pretty much. Yes. Okay. Yep.
- Here's a, this is an easy one for you, I think.
And I think it's gonna be a hard
one for me. 'cause it's a loaded
- Question. Okay.
- Which family member am I feeling most
connected to right now? You
- Mm-Hmm.
.
I would have to say right now at this, at, at this point.
Mm-Hmm. would be the youngest.
- Yeah. . I wondered if I,
I thought you would say my mom 'cause she's visiting
and you might be completely wrong, but I was,
- That was the first thought that came to my mind because
- It's the most obvious.
- It, it's, it's, it's very obvious, you know? Mm-Hmm.
that you two, um,
you know, well deserved.
You're spending a lot of time together right now. Yeah. We
- See each other a couple times a year at this
- Point.
Right. So, yeah. Um, so yeah.
That, that did kind of pop into my mind.
But, um, you know, no, there, there have been a lot
of things, a lot of changes, you know, going on.
Mm-Hmm. And he's going through it for sure with the younger,
and, and he's, he's going through it
and he's, you know, trying to to mi
through it and, and you're there.
You know, I mean, we both are,
but you are taking the forefront on, on being there for him,
which you should Mm-Hmm.
, you know, so that has, uh, yeah, definitely.
- Yeah. - I'm been a, a connection that you've,
- Uh, I think I'm in tune with him in a way
that I've always been kind of in tune with him.
I mean, there was the benefit
or just the, I guess that's the right word.
You know, I stayed at home with him.
I mean, other than his like preschool
and then going to school from the time he was like three
and a half, almost four mm-Hmm.
three and a half till, you know,
'cause I, his formative,
the most formative memories are of me working from home.
And so I was with him a lot
before he went to school all day long.
So I've been very attuned to him. Mm-Hmm. .
- Yeah. - Um, from that, you know, even younger than that.
But definitely when I had more time to actually focus
and be around and like witness stuff.
Um, but now that these past few years
where he's just had a lot of physical stuff going on
that we're still figured out and the mental stuff.
Mm-Hmm. and the diagnoses and
the, like, all of that.
Yeah. Like I'm,
and sometimes I feel like I have to
not justify the connection 'cause you would never Mm-Hmm.
Like of course the connection you'd like, of course.
But I, I know things about him
that I only know
because I am so deeply entrenched in all the things
that he needs and the things we navigate together
and my own research and blah, blah, blah.
That sometimes I feel like
it's not negated, but sort of like, are you sure about that?
You know, are, aren't you just spoiling your baby?
'cause he is the baby, right? Mm-Hmm. .
Aren't you just spoiling her? Are you enabling her?
Are you being soft on him?
And it's like, somehow my brain is sectioned off
in such a way that 24 7, I'm thinking about the youngest
and his needs and his struggles.
And I'm thinking about our business and growing it.
And I'm thinking about our power exchange
and how our relationship can like, continue on
and flourish and not get stale.
And, uh, oh, we're feeling disconnected.
How do we get back to that? Blah, blah, blah.
And also then there's this little part of my brain
that is constantly worried about the kid
that doesn't live here anymore
with his damn motorcycle and being in another city.
And like, so it's like when there's a
- Wow . Yeah.
- Yeah. So maybe I roll my eyes than I
sigh when I'm annoyed.
Okay. . You know, it could be much worse. .
So when, you know, it's weird
because there's a part of me that control part of me
that if there's a question about something, which I try
to be better about, just going, people can ask questions.
It's how they learn. It's how they understand. Yeah.
And especially when it comes from you.
Because if I, you, you're seeing something
and you're gonna have a different perspective.
And I, I struggle with being open
to those questions 'cause I am.
So I feel like I'm so connected. Mm-Hmm. .
But also I get very much up in arms about
when I, not when I feel like there's like a good faith, Hey,
I have a perspective or I'm trying to understand,
but sort of a Mm, I don't, I think you could do that better.
Like that connection because of the, the req the
need for that connection.
Mm-Hmm. is so
fucking personal and so important.
The health and wellbeing of a child. I get .
I'm like, are you really fucking questioning me right now?
Like what? Yeah.
And to go back to a previous question,
because early days of us living together, our arguments
and our strife and our tension, were all parent related.
Mm-Hmm. . I'm extra sensitive when I feel like,
'cause here's the thing, and here's the
thing I'll, I'll explain.
Before the youngest was diagnosed with a DHD
and autism from everybody in my life.
Like, this is not a dig at jb Mm-Hmm. .
He was just trying to help.
And, and, and,
but a lot of people were like,
are you sure you're not enabling the youngest?
Like, yeah, he's anxious, but people have to get over that.
People have to get over that. And I always kept going,
I'm just working with the kid in front of me
and I'm watching this child's face
and I'm listening to his words
and I'm watching his body language
and I just don't feel right this, that or the other.
The moment there were diagnoses, everybody got on board.
Everybody Mm-Hmm. .
And you never questioned me in a way that made me go,
uh, oh, can we parent together?
But there were times that if there was tension Mm-Hmm.
that was part of it. But everybody in my life,
family too, like extended family that had thoughts
and opinions on the 14-year-old
and what, what I should be doing as a mother.
Yeah. The moment they were diagnoses
everybody shut the fuck up.
They went. Oh, okay. And I'm like, .
My whole thing had been whether he gets a diagnosis
or not, you parent the kid in front of you.
And I'm just trying, I'm not perfect.
There are things I could have done differently I'm sure,
but I'm doing the best I can with what I got.
Well now we're dealing with physical stuff that maybe
connected to mental stuff.
Right. But we don't know. We've got appointments
for specialists and just stuff.
And those conversations come up again in different ways of,
well are you sure it's this?
Well, I don't know shit. I'm not sure of nothing.
But I'm dealing with the kid in front of me
and what the kid in front of me is going through
and that connection, you know, I worry, I worry
that I spoil him and I I baby him 'cause he is the baby.
I know that. I know that tendency.
You know, I also feel bad
because as connected as I am to the oldest,
which the answer in reverse,
I would say the family member you're most connected
to right now is the oldest.
'cause y'all have bonded over the motorcycle. True.
And y'all talk more now than y'all ever did
when the child lived here.
- . Yeah. - That child had to move out,
start adulting and then go, oh, maybe Mr.
John knew some shit
- .
- And then be like, Mr. John, will you tell me some shit?
I have questions.
- So - That would be my, my thing is I think you're
most connected to that kid.
- Yeah. And that, and that's true.
And I, I'm, I'm happy to see that I am too.
Um, you know, happening that way. Um, you know. Yeah.
There, you know, you go back, uh, a year ago he'd be like,
what do you know old man , you know?
Right.
- Y'all's, all three of y'all, the two kids.
And you, the relationship is about roasting one another,
which just stresses me out.
. I'm like, no, we should be talking, speaking nicely
to one another when we're mean to one another.
There's that mean we hate one another.
It does not, they're roasting one another with love. Right.
But that's the thing. You're developing connection.
We used to struggle in
where you wouldn't have a connection with the oldest.
And I had a strong connection with the oldest Mm-Hmm.
. 'cause that child does not know
how to have an inside thought.
If he thinks it and he trusts you, he comes,
he's he's telling it to you.
And I love that. I'm not gonna stop that,
but that we had those struggles too.
Yeah. With, you know, am I being overindulgent?
But no, I lost my train of thought.
So I'm so connected to the youngest 'cause all the issues.
And I've been there in ways.
I couldn't be there for the oldest that I often feel guilty
because I think the youngest is getting the best version
of me as a parent because I didn't know
to do those things with the oldest.
Mm. Also his personality being what they are.
He, the joke is the oldest is a me do it mommy kid.
Like from the time he could say those words,
he was pushing away and trying
to be independent. The youngest is
- Not like that at all. No,
- Not like that at all.
Um, so yeah, like I, so then we get back to
what makes me stressed and annoyed.
It's mom guilt of, am I doing it right?
Am I enabling, am I spoiling? Am I not seeing something?
Am I being too hard? Am I being too soft?
So then when there's a question about,
are you sure you're doing this right?
I'm, you've just hit every sensitive spot I've got
- As a parent just, just tapped every nerve. Yeah. Yep.
- Yep, yep, yep. And so then, you know, I'm
rolling my eyes and sighing again.
. Okay.
Those were like crazy tangents. I don't apologize.
It's what y'all signed up for. Okay. This is weird.
'cause I don't, we don't, I'm such an unsentimental person.
Mm-Hmm. . We don't talk about memories.
So it's okay if you're like, fuck, I don't know what's one
of my most cherished memories from our relationship? Ooh.
- Um, wow.
What would that be?
- I can think of a couple if you're like,
I think here's what I would tell you.
'cause when I, for me in memories, you know how I am.
Mm-Hmm. , what were things that we did together
or experienced together where I was my
most ridiculously happy self?
- I, I would have, I I, this is gonna sound weird,
but this is what comes to mind.
Um, maybe it's not the most cherished memory,
but I think it's one of the most, um, prevalent.
Okay. Maybe, um, um, the night of our wedding,
how we ended up at Waffle House, ,
- If you had said anything
with our wedding, I would've gone.
Yeah, you're right. Okay.
, I was my cheesiest goofball of self.
Nothing could go wrong. Look, did everybody arrive?
Was there somebody to officiate the ceremony?
Did we get fucking married? Mm-Hmm. Then it went perfectly.
I don't care what else happened. So yeah.
Everything good associated with that day was Yeah.
You could pick any memory from the, the wedding. Okay. Yeah.
You'd be right. You'd be right. Okay.
Because I don't, I don't grin like a cheese ball often.
- No, you don't. - I really don't.
Like, I, it's not like I'm reserved. Y'all hear me?
I'm wild and out there,
but it's like a sharp kind of stark sometimes.
Mm-Hmm. until I get su super silly and goofy.
But even then, like there's a, there's a reserve somewhere.
Yeah. Y'all, from the moment I got to the hair
and makeup place, to the moment we got to the boat,
to the moment I dragged my children down the aisle,
they were supposed to be walking me down it
to the moment I'm like three sheets
to the wind and I'm dancing.
Like, I could not stop smiling.
And when I smile, my eyes disappear
and all my teeth come out and I just .
I could not, I could not stop.
So this is a hard one. Yeah.
Because now my job is to go
what's his most cherished memory.
Right. Okay.
I don't think, and I'm going back to this
and here's why I'll justify this memory.
- Okay. - It was the first visit
when you walked in the door.
Now after that, maybe not. And here's why I say that.
You and I've learned this now over 10 years, when something
genuinely shocks you in a pleasant way.
Mm-Hmm. . You have this little gasp that man,
I live to create that gasp from you .
Okay. 'cause it's a blist out.
Like I'm surprised, but also hot fucking damn.
And the way he got to see me for the first time, physically,
I was wearing a button-down purple shirt and nothing else.
And I was on my knees. Yeah.
And I can't remember what that position is that I was in,
but it's the one where knees are spread,
palms are open, palms are up.
Head down, eyes down, no, head up, eyes down. Mm-Hmm.
. Which was so fucking hard
because I can like hear him pulling up in the bike.
I could hear him like getting ready. Mm-Hmm. .
I could hear the, and he's, we had texted and talked
and he was like, are you sure I could just walk up?
I'm like, I'm telling you, you need to walk up.
Fucking in here .
- 'cause I was even like, how, you know, you, you were,
I was the safe you were, you were insistent
that I stayed at your house.
And like, no, you need to find me a hotel. Find me a hotel.
- I was like, no, you're staying at my house.
Um, and now that is not a good, safe way to be. No.
I also tr trust my gut.
Like, I'm so nervous with people that if that's
what my gut's telling me, I'm, you know.
Mm-Hmm. thankfully have been Correct.
Um, so you had that little gas.
So I, I know there have been a couple other times
through our relationship where I've done something
and you've had that little gasp,
but that's the one that I remember most clearly.
Okay. Alright. So that would be what I would say.
Now the question is,
is there one I you were thinking of that I did not.
- Um, it, that is,
is a very good, very, very good. Good.
- I won no - gold star to me
- Validation.
- Oh, I, I think the only other one that would come close to
that is the time you
and I went to London together.
- Mm mm-Hmm. . Oh, I can think of another one.
The time we got together down in south, uh, west,
the Tampa Bay area, I couldn't think of words.
And we destroyed that hotel room. Oh God.
- We, oh man. - We should be ashamed of ourselves. Yeah.
Like it, we were not good, uh, guests in a social sense,
but no man, that was a, that was a good weekend.
Mm-Hmm. . That was a real good weekend.
It was Uhhuh Uhhuh. It was
- .
- Why are all of our most cherished memories
of fuckery .
Okay, last question. All right.
And we're, I'm gonna, I'll say
the question, but then we're gonna modify.
Okay. The question is, who's my celebrity crush
that I'd possibly leave you for?
If I had the chance? And see,
I wouldn't leave you for anybody.
We're we're in an open relationship.
Who would I add to the, the, the selection?
If I, who's my celebrity crush
- Is?
Oh God. I can see his face. I cannot remember his name. What
- Was he in?
Or what does he do?
- The Witcher. - Henry Caval. And thank you.
He has to wear the wig. If he's not wearing the wig,
he's not wearing the wig.
He has to have a scruffy, he can't have shaved.
If he's freshly shaved, he has to wait a week for
that scruff to come in either with the wig
also whether he is shaved or not.
Mm-Hmm. without the wig. No. No shaving.
No shaving. No shaving. Oh my God. Yes. Oh my God.
Here's the thing, knowing how you are, I feel like,
I don't know that that's when you would say,
but I feel like we'd both have a good time.
It'd be like, Henry, are you down?
Like, we're both old, middle aged, chubby people. .
Um, but we're also kinky and we're like really open to shit.
And you're beautiful and we just wanna jump
on you like a trampoline.
Was that okay? Yeah. Right, right.
, I feel like we would share
- be like a tag team.
All right. You're going in .
- So here's where I'm a shitty, shitty person.
I I would say Henry Caval simply because I know, you know,
and maybe even, um, Chris Evans as the captain.
Mm-Hmm. Right, right.
Um, but I can't, I can't think of any
specific celebrity
because see, I'm very open with you about that.
Yeah. I'm sending you like memes
and I'm sending you reels of like, look at him.
Isn't he beautiful? You,
we could both jump on him with his consent.
Right, right. But you don't do that in reverse.
You're not like showing me pictures
or going, oh, I love this one. Well,
- There, there's a very good reason for that.
Okay. Um, growing up where I grew up,
I was around, um, a lot of people
of notoriety.
Mm-Hmm. And such.
And, and because of that, I lost a lot of that.
- Oh wow. - You know? Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, you're a, you're, you're a big star.
Oh, you're a, you're a athlete.
Oh, you're, you know, and, and they're just people. Mm-Hmm.
. Mm-Hmm. . So,
you know, a lot of that
- Yeah. It doesn't do it for you.
- Has, has been lost to me from that.
- I feel like, I can't think of any names,
but I feel like old Hollywood stars women,
especially women, men too.
'cause you know, you're like, whatever. Yeah.
Gender is, doesn't matter.
But I think of like, the old, like starlets from Hollywood,
the, the heady Lamars
and the, I feel like that would be your vibe,
but I don't, I'm, I don't pay attention enough.
I don't know who you like really liked back in the day. Um,
- I, I, I think, um,
I had at, at one point,
and still do to a certain extent
because I absolutely love her voice. Stevie Nicks.
- Yeah. I would, I feel like I, yeah, yeah.
Because of all like the celebrities kind of people
that you talk about in sort of an admiring way that's
not just about their music, but like Mm-Hmm.
voice and looks, whatever.
That's a name that definitely comes up. Yeah.
So now I'm like, I should have fucking known that
and I should have stopped thinking about movie and TV stars.
Mm-Hmm. my mental database of singers. Yeah.
'cause God, you're such a music guy. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, except I have such a bad memory for that stuff.
I can't think of any names, but Stevie
Nicks Abso, absolutely.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would, I could see that.
I could see that. Mm-Hmm. .
So clearly there's still some stuff I, uh,
need to learn about you
- .
- Also, I just need to get pop
culture references to stick in my head.
- See, - Those were all the questions. Mm-Hmm.
. Um, I, this was not for like,
to be educational for anybody,
but if, if you found the questions interesting,
and maybe we were thinking of your, if you have a partner,
you're thinking of what their answers might be.
This could be a good, like little exercise either
for yourself Mm-Hmm.
. And then you can kind of go,
wait, I don't think I know the answer.
Maybe I need to go learn that. Or you could do it together.
Right. That's fun. Um, yeah.
You know, I feel like we know each other
as well as I thought we would know one another.
Yeah. I think
we're on the same page more often than we're not.
But where we differ most
of the time compliments the other Mm-Hmm.
. Um, and I also feel like this is just sort
of shown what we've learned about each other
over, over time. And,
- And I think that - We've gotten better at over
- Time.
We, we've gotten better at it. And I think, um,
and I think what a lot of that, um, comes down to is we,
we put in the work.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- We, we put in the work for our relationship. Mm-Hmm.
.
- It's worth it. Yeah. You know, I, um, I'm not really,
I've said many times, I'm not the
most sentimental person on the planet.
I just, my brain doesn't always work that way. Mm-Hmm.
like, I'll feel it,
but I don't know how to like, express it.
And so, like, I am part of, part of the, the,
my feelings are, you know, my kids are the,
the best thing I've ever done.
Mm-Hmm. . Um,
but this relationship is the best
relationship I've ever had in my life.
Like, same. It's not perfect. God. No.
I mean, I really did have to go away
and have a little, like, talk with myself
of like, get your shit together.
You're, you're offended at nothing.
You have your little cry, have your little feelings.
But, but you know what I mean?
And like, there are things where we will still get,
certainly get on each other's nerves and Mm-Hmm.
, you know, it's not always amazing,
but every moment of every day, it's worth it.
- Yeah. Oh yeah. Mm-Hmm.
- . Because when it's amazing,
it's fucking amazing.
Right. But even when it's kind of bad, it's still like,
yeah, but I still wanna be here.
Mm-Hmm. . I just want it to not be bad .
- Right. Yeah. What,
- And what I appreciate about both
of us is I think we both have the mindset
of it's bad right now.
And yeah. We might be having the thoughts of, ooh,
they need to do better.
But I think we both have that thought of,
but what do I need to do better?
Right. How do I help us get back to where Mm-Hmm.
, you know, it's not all on me to fix it.
It's not all on you to fix it.
Even when we're upset with the other
and we think the other's done something wrong,
we're still willing to kind of meet in the middle
and go, I just need you
to admit you were kind of wrong here.
I need you to hear me. I need you to like,
acknowledge my feelings.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . But
how do we work together to get back to
where we want to be? Right? Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. . Absolutely.
- And I would wish that kind of relationship, romantic,
sexual, kink, platonic, whatever for anybody, anybody.
One, one good relationship like that is, I mean,
you can do anything when, you know,
you've got somebody in your court like
that, like they just Mm-Hmm.
, you know, I feel invincible.
Like there I get scared about shit
and I wor God knows, I worry every moment of every, well,
we just went over what all is
going on in this brain all the time.
Yeah. . But I have somebody to share it with. Mm-Hmm.
I have, you will either commiserate
with me because we're like, yeah.
We are both worried about that. Or you'll kind
of call me on my bullshit in a way that I'm willing
to be called on my bullshit.
Yeah. Um, what I love about you is the same as in reverse.
Like, there's this hole, but he's the dom.
You shouldn't, you know, tell him about him himself.
Fuck that shit. I call him on his bullshit all the time.
Respectfully. Yeah. In my most submissive voice. Mm-Hmm.
. I'm sure y'all know how that goes.
- Goes, I think that's important
because, you know, as your dominant,
I'm not all knowing, all right.
Powerful man behind the curtain, you know? No. Yeah.
- I don't have an Oz fetish, so.
- Right. So, you know, um, it, it's all part
of, you know, keeping me
and my power air quote in check.
- And the thing is, is what I have found that,
that bothers me the most when we get out of sync
or we're in an argument
or we're in conflict, is I want you to be
the dom that I know you're capable of.
And where I get upset is when I
think that that's not happening.
And all I wanna do is kind of get you back there
and help you get back there.
And sometimes it's, what do I need to do?
And sometimes it's what do I gotta tell him that he needs
to be thinking about, you know, that he's not thought about.
And sometimes what we need
to do is go in our separate corners
and do our own thing for a while
until we want to be nice to each other.
- , we come back
- Together.
Mm-Hmm. . So, and when you do, when you know,
and we've done the episodes on teamwork, like we are a team
and we've done the episode on this path of this goal,
we're on the same path.
We want the same outcome. Right.
So our whole thing is how do we figure that out together?
Because we, without, I know I did not hear this explicitly,
although I hear it a lot now in relationship advice
that it's never you versus me.
It's us versus the problem. Mm-Hmm. .
And we internalized that a, a long time ago. Yeah.
And I think it's because we had more,
we didn't have conflict until we moved in together.
And even then, not right away
was when we were navigating the hard things
that you don't usually have
to navigate in a long distance relationship
that are just naturally kept separate until you're together.
Um, so we had had enough good
and we had enough desire to keep the good,
when the tension finally occurred, we were like,
we don't like this feeling.
Yeah. How do we make this stop?
- Go away. Yeah. Right. Mm-Hmm. . Yep.
- So, - Yeah. Mm-Hmm. .
- So that was our episode. Yeah.
- Yay. Alright, - We're gonna do a bonus section. Mm-Hmm.
. Uh, that's all I got.
- Okay. So are we good? I don't know about
- That.
- Keep the kinky - Allall and we'll see you next week.
Daddy.
- Yes baby girl. Can - I talk to the crickets please?
- You really want to talk to the crickets, don't you?
I always, I know. Mm-Hmm. . I know. Mm-Hmm.
- . I was sad that we only got to talk
to like one half of the crickets last week.
- I know. Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. . I was happy to be able
to talk podcast listeners
was very happy to be able to talk to you.
Thank you for being there so that we could talk to you.
But I missed the YouTube. Crickets.
- Well, go ahead. You
- Are such a fucking sadist.
I swear to God. .
- Holy shit. - .
Um, what have we got?
So I have barely talked to the 18-year-old,
but I'm gonna, we're gonna, we are all gonna see
you tomorrow night.
Tomorrow day after recording. Podcast listeners will be
Thur this Thursday.
Um, we're time traveling.
- I'm going to be the chauffeur tomorrow, tonight.
- You have to be, or me
and my mother who, look, I think we are strong,
independent women who can handle our shit,
except we also have a lot of anxiety,
worry about things we shouldn't worry about
and have become
as we've each individually aged very nervous drivers.
And so who both for different reasons, struggle
to drive at night because it doesn't look quite right.
And then add that to our anxiety.
And really, should we be allowed to get in a vehicle
and speed down the highway to go watch a concert
that is gonna be at night, it's gonna be dark.
And also you like your mother-in-Law. Like she I do.
You actually like my mom? I do. She's a good mother-in-Law.
She does not, she is not getting in the middle of shit.
She's not interfering.
She Well, you know, if I, if I talk to her
and vent, she's gonna listen.
If I, and she's the type, I'm not giving you advice
unless you ask for it, but be careful what you ask for.
Yeah. Right. Because I will tell you what I think .
Um, but I knew that about her
before I got married the first time.
And denial is powerful. So I just never asked her shit.
Um, and now we're at a point,
'cause this is a good relationship
and she has struggles in her own that she's like,
what do you mean he just does the dishes unprompted?
I'm like, because he is not a fucking man, baby.
And he knows that he lives in this house too.
And like, if he didn't, if I wasn't here, if they,
if he didn't do it, they would like, what, what, like,
what are we talking about ?
Yeah. What do you mean ? ?
Because I didn't marry a man baby. Okay.
Anyway, we also, that rule goes the other, the other way.
I do not, uh,
offer unsolicited opinions about her situations.
Yeah. But if she asks, I will tell her. Um, . Yeah.
My, my mom's not like the other mom-in-Law.
She's a good mom-in-Law.
Uh, she's a cool mother-in-Law .
Um, I butchered that, but y'all know what I mean.
Um, so yeah, so the oldest has a concert Thursday night.
We didn't go to the October concert,
even though we planned on it
because he said, please don't come to this one.
It's not gonna be any good. We got music that was too hard
and we got no time to prepare for it.
And I just don't think it's gonna be very good.
Just please don't come. His,
- His words were, this concert's gonna be
ass so don't come
- fair.
That's fair. And then, and then when I, I,
and it wor it worked out in a way
because JB was sick that week
and he, we didn't need to be going anywhere anyway.
Mm-Hmm. . And I didn't wanna drive at night
by myself with the kid, the youngest.
So I was like, okay, we'll stay at home.
This, this works out, you know,
and then come to find,
he was like, actually it was pretty good.
But the other part, the part
where why JB keeps giving me side eye every time I mention
this concert is, the original agreement was we went
to the first one in the, what was that?
September, I guess. Yeah. Yeah.
And we were looking at the schedule
and there was an October concert and a November concert.
I don't know about next semester. I just know these.
And so at the time when we were planning the October one,
and I knew my mom would wanna go to the November one Mm-Hmm.
because she's in town and I genuinely don't
think she's heard the oldest perform in a
concert in like, years. Like
- It's been a while. Yeah. I
- Don't even think she got to hear him
in high school at all.
So I'm not sure. Maybe, maybe I don't, I'll have to ask her.
- I don't - Remember. Yeah. Anyway, the agreement,
the negotiated agreement was JB would go to the October one,
but he could sit out the November
- One.
Right.
- I should never have made that
agreement in the first place.
I should have thought about two crazy,
anxious white ladies driving down a dark highway, uh,
with a 14-year-old who is equally as anxious.
Like I just, I did not think that through that was,
I should never have negotiated that.
But my point has been there was, you didn't get to go
to the October concert and so
therefore you still owe me a concert.
But also use your judgment.
Did you want me to come home in one piece
and with my mother
and one of us not have been left on the side of the road
or wrapped around something
because we overthought like a light in the distance.
Like I just,
or still circling Gainesville, just nobody listening
to the GPS going, I dunno where to go.
I mean, we, it's a comedy of errors when we get together
and we do things that make us nervous, we can do them,
but it's going to be chaotic.
But if you are there leading the way,
chaos is kept to a minimum.
And you didn't, you didn't,
there was no October one to go to.
You were sick. So
therefore the original negotiation is null and void.
The original terms couldn't be kept. So I'm owed a concert.
- I was planning on staying home
- , - She can go out, spend some quality time
with her mom, and I would have the TV
and the living room to myself
and I could sit and binge watch.
- And what did I offer? What did I offer?
Because see here, when he wants to watch a show
that I don't watch, I, it's one
of those things I don't even, I
can't even stay in the living room.
I can't, I can't hear it. Like I,
because I'll I'm not, I'm, I'm gonna get distracted
by the bright shiny.
'cause maybe a dialogue will be
good or something will be happening.
And then next thing you know, I see like a zombie
and then I'm like freaked out .
So I leave the room.
So I, and the bedroom's not like super comfortable for me
to be in and the office, if
I'm in the office, I'm gonna work.
Yeah. So as a, as a, as a thank you for, you know,
giving me the one concert I was owed anyway,
'cause that's what I prom was promises that you'd go
to one of the concerts.
But whatever. I offered to make myself scarce on Sunday
and negotiate an amount of time where, okay, fine.
I will not sit on the comfortable couch where I like
to read my books and watch my videos.
I'll go into the uncomfortable bedroom
and do it there so that you get your time.
You're not being completely left out on in the cold here.
I am trying to take care of you in the way that I know how.
- Just - Saying .
- Okay. - Also, I just feel immediately better
and calmer knowing you're gonna be the one driving
and you're gonna be there
and you'll keep us all rounded up.
.
Because here's the thing, , my mother
and I are our own individual people
and we have our own quirks and our own whatever.
But there are some ways we're very similar.
And those, when those
similarities come together, there's a clash.
So examples, these are mild examples,
but examples, she let me drive her vehicle.
She's got a brand new Rav for Toyota RAV4.
I fucking love driving that thing.
Um, try not to think about it too hard.
'cause they'll be like, oh, it's way better than our cars
, but our cars are fully paid for.
So whatever. Um, she let me drive
to take the kid to school.
We had had band yesterday.
Um, and then let me drive, we did errands and then we drove
and we did an early dinner.
'cause then we were gonna go do shopping like on a
completely different side of town.
And n none
of us in this crowd, we're gonna do a late dinner.
We're not wired that way. So I do all that driving.
And the longer I drove, the more anxious she got.
Now look, you hop two curbs
and they just, they get, they get nervous.
I did. And I don't do that very often anymore.
I was unsure of my, the vehicle size.
And I like undercuts anyway.
But she also started doing this thing that she does.
'cause she's an anxious passenger.
It's, you know, there would be taillights.
And I know you're gonna laugh at the irony of this.
It's fine. There'll be taillights. I am like half a mile up.
And she'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm like, I'm, I've, I got, how many years did I,
I was like, I got 25 years of solid driving experience
with zero accidents.
It's, I, yes, I see them. I'm slowing down.
I'm, I hadn't gotten us killed yet, have I?
And she's like, it's, I know, but you know, I get anxious.
And then somebody would be coming out the side road
and yeah, they sometimes speed up to a stop sign
and you do have to be careful,
but she'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
And make me nervous. So then I was like,
- What is happening?
. Huh? I
- Understand the irony. ,
- What comes around goes around
- Two things, - Huh?
- One, you and I have figured out what works.
I, he used to complain that when I'd get in the car, I just,
my nose would be in my phone.
And we weren't having conversations
and we weren't like connecting.
And I finally said, if I look up from my phone,
I'm gonna be the nervous passenger
and you're gonna like wanna put me out on the side
of the road, which would you like?
And he was like, I would like your time and attention.
And so he got it. And then about a week
later he went, it's fine.
If you look at your phone while I'm driving, please,
- Please look at that damn phone.
- I read books. I watch reels.
I like, I do not look up
because then I can't tap my imaginary break
or grab the o shit handle
or go to let him know
that somebody of us is stopping.
My mother does not have that.
My mother will just tell you
that clearly everybody's trying to kill you.
So we get to the restaurant, we eat dinner
and as we're leaving, 'cause at this point I knew
that she knew where she was going.
I was like, would you like to drive?
She went, yes, yes, I would. I was like, fine.
swimming. So I understand that.
Uh, generational cycles, it's all repeating. I get it.
I get it. But I have found a way
that we can both survive it.
Yes. I was ready to put my mama out on the side of the road.
Okay. and I love her so much.
There's a reason we have like a 72 hour like max
that we can do before we have to go to separate corners.
And this visit has worked
because like, um, I saw her for a few hours on Sunday.
Mm-Hmm. , I saw her for several hours Monday.
But like by mid-afternoon,
she had gone her direction Tuesday, that was the day
before this day of recording.
I saw her for the whole afternoon into the evening.
But that was really only like five or six hours. Mm-Hmm.
today we won't see her at all
because we had so much work to do.
She was like, I'll just stay on your aunt
and uncle's side of town and tomorrow,
tomorrow will be the longest day that we spend together.
'cause she'll come like mid-morning
and it might be like 11 o'clock at night
before she's back at, at my aunt and uncle's house.
So it'll be a long day. But that,
that like works like we like Mm-Hmm.
stagger it out. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I'm sure there are other things going on,
but I have just rambled.
- You have, I have. - Because I find myself amusing.
I don't know if anybody else does,
but you know, I'm, uh, enamored with me.
Look, when my, I can get my brain to function with my mouth
and the words are wording and I can get 'em to flow.
Like, I'm like, look at me. I got a superpower.
I know how to string some words together.
I wanna keep doing it until the words cut off.
Like the brain stops working or something.
Like run outta words . Then I'm like, oh God, okay.
Maybe I should stop now.
Also, I think I've hit the point of it's a good kind
of tired, we talked about this the beginning, right?
We've been, we've been doing our Black Friday
sale, uh, podcast listeners.
By the time you hear this, the sale is over.
Um, but we're like finishing that up
and the orders are coming in and it's been a very successful
sale and we busted our ass to prep for it.
And it went really well. And the woodshed went
really well when we did that.
Like it all, like, it's all been good, but it's Mm-Hmm.
it is caught up with me today.
I am like deliriously tired. Yeah.
- It it, it's been just one constant thing after another.
Mm-Hmm. And, uh,
- Yeah.
Yeah. And no complaints about it.
It's just like, I'm, I'm loopy. I don't Mm-Hmm.
. I can't cont I don't know.
I don't know what's coming outta my mouth. Yeah.
I don't know if it makes sense to anybody.
I don't know if I've annoyed the fuck out of here.
I don't know. . And I'm too tired to give a shit.
So there we're case in point, not,
not a lick of makeup on this face.
'cause we had choices and I could feel, I could feel the,
what's the word I want, the, the paralysis that comes with,
I know there's a thing that I should do,
but I can't make myself do it.
And what'll happen is I'll
just freeze and I won't do anything.
Mm-Hmm. . And so I was
like, we gotta make the decision.
We're just not gonna worry about it
so that we can That's okay. Keep moving
- Forward.
I didn't, I didn't shave either, so, you
- Know.
Oh, you have to. We, there's a reason these, uh,
legs are covered in long pants.
Shaving the legs. What?
- - Look,
once I realized you did not give a fuck if they were super
smooth I shave for me and I Mm-Hmm.
. If I think I'm gonna get laid
and I want to be that night, I might shave for that.
But yeah, I mean you will, you will absolutely trek
through the wilderness to get to Hmm.
You know, the center of my Tootsie Pop. So
- .
- I was gonna say something about cream and,
and that didn't, so I went Tootsie Pop.
Um, have you got anything?
I know I sucked up all the oxygen as usual
as you're letting Lola out.
Yeah.
- So, well last night I went to, um, went
to the big community Munch. Was
- It still 40, 50, 60 people? Like usual
- I was about 30, 30 some folks there.
Yeah.
- That's actually kind of quiet. Yeah.
Compared to Mm-Hmm. The Times I used to be.
- Well thanks. 'cause um, you know, holidays.
Holidays, yeah. Yeah.
- And it probably won't be
in December too then. Mm-Hmm. .
- But, um, it was good.
It was, it was nice to see, excuse me, folks
that I hadn't seen Mm-Hmm.
in a while and met some new folk and Okay.
You know, a lot of new faces there. Mm-Hmm. .
So, uh, that was cool and enjoyed that very much.
And it was kind of funny
because, you know, our, our life pretty much since, uh,
September, we had been really focused on, on work.
Mm-Hmm. . And in, in conversation
with somebody, they were like, um, you know, so,
so what do you, what do you do?
What have you been doing? ? And I was like, uh, uh,
- I've been making paddles.
- I work , - I work.
- Yeah, yeah, - Yeah. Fourth quarter baby.
- And uh, yeah. Not much room for anything else.
Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. Of late, you know, um, I,
I have really been wanting to, um, especially
with the weather turning away.
It is, you know, we, we have a lot of, uh, state parks
around here and stuff
and I'm like, you know, I wanted to do it last year,
but I couldn't because of my back.
Now my back is better.
And I'm like, you know, I want to go out
and walk some of, of these trails at the parks and Mm-Hmm.
and stuff. And when do I stop
working? you
- Know, you have, you have to make a conscious decision that
that work will be there when you get back. I
- Know. Mm-Hmm. . I know.
- Mm-Hmm. . Yeah.
Neither of us is good at that, but I'm good at making you do
it and I think you're good at making me do it.
We're just not good at making ourselves ourselves
- Do it.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, you know, yeah.
That's kind of where, where I've been at.
Um, you know, my,
my my free time when I do get some downtime Yeah.
I sit in front of the TV and watch a few shows. Mm-Hmm.
- , we did finish Loki,
- We did season - Two of Loki.
That was, that was really good. I liked how that ended. Yep.
I mean, I, I won't say anything
'cause I don't want spoilers for anybody.
Mm-Hmm. But I did my, my, I think my baby girl side came out
because I had questions or I was very worried for him.
Like, it's a good ending. I like,
but I just like, I started thinking about, but,
but what about after?
What about after the cameras are off and,
and the world continues and I have questions
and, um, I won't pose those questions here.
I do not want spoilers for anybody. Yeah.
But it was really good. Mm-Hmm.
- It was, it was, um, - Yeah.
And I think Loki got a literal decade plus long character
arc that was satisfying to me in the end.
Oh yeah. The payoff was very satisfying. Yeah. So,
- Mm-Hmm.
- . Yeah. We did watch that.
So yeah. Yeah.
- And uh, on that note, we probably should go,
- Yeah.
I got stuff to do before I go do other stuff.
I, and then come home and do other stuff.
- I I have wood butter to make.
- Yes. I need wood butter.
That's what we put on our paddles .
It's not, it's not sexy or dirty
or kinky as No, it's a wood conditioner.
. Yep. Well, if you buy certain paddles from the kry,
you get a sample of them so that Mm-Hmm.
You can have it to take care of your paddle.
And then we sell full-size
ones if you run outta your sample.
Um, so, but I need that for the samples, .
- Yep. - So, and I got stuff to do too. Mm-Hmm.
. Um, thank y'all for being here,
especially to the bitter end y'all.
Especially to the bitter end. Yep, yep, yep.
Um, are happy to be back on, on YouTube and,
and be outta the corner and for YouTube
to have ungrounded us .
Thank you. YouTube. I guess even though you're the fuckers
who were the problem, but whatever, whatever.
Um, and yeah, uh, I don't know
what we'll talk about next week, but hopefully we'll be less
tired while we do it, .
- Yes. - Yep.
Uh, and we will, we'll see y'all next week, I guess.
Mm-Hmm, . Okay. Bye. Bye.