1 00:00:11,225 --> 00:00:12,885 - You are listening to the loving BDSM podcast. 2 00:00:13,145 --> 00:00:14,965 Kil Lord's here with the one, the only, the 3 00:00:16,055 --> 00:00:18,685 still a little mildly grumpy 'cause you're stressed. 4 00:00:18,705 --> 00:00:20,525 But we all still love you John Brownstone. 5 00:00:21,435 --> 00:00:22,925 - That is appropriate. , 6 00:00:23,785 --> 00:00:25,285 - You're not caffeinated enough. 7 00:00:25,385 --> 00:00:27,725 No, but I don't think at this point you can be. No. 8 00:00:28,265 --> 00:00:31,165 Um, all you're thinking about is all the things 9 00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:32,445 that you still have to do and the things 10 00:00:32,445 --> 00:00:33,565 you have not gotten done yet. 11 00:00:33,635 --> 00:00:34,765 Correct. Uh, 12 00:00:35,625 --> 00:00:38,525 and here I am going, Hey, daddy, talk to me in a microphone, 13 00:00:39,005 --> 00:00:40,005 - . 14 00:00:40,275 --> 00:00:41,275 Yeah. 15 00:00:41,905 --> 00:00:44,805 - But we, we like this and it does make you feel better. 16 00:00:45,755 --> 00:00:48,925 - Yeah. - We just recorded something where at the start 17 00:00:48,925 --> 00:00:50,365 of it, he wasn't even speaking. 18 00:00:50,375 --> 00:00:51,565 Y'all not even grunts. 19 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:53,325 And by the end he was, he was in giggles. 20 00:00:53,545 --> 00:00:55,685 So I think, I think it works. . 21 00:00:55,705 --> 00:00:57,645 I'm just saying, uh, this week 22 00:00:58,175 --> 00:01:01,205 we're answering a question about how to handle a request 23 00:01:01,225 --> 00:01:02,245 for kinky play 24 00:01:02,835 --> 00:01:06,045 that doesn't fit the vision you have of your partner. 25 00:01:06,725 --> 00:01:08,565 Hmm. Makes you go Hmm. What? 26 00:01:09,035 --> 00:01:10,605 Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast. 27 00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:12,925 If you're new here, we help kinks like you have happy, 28 00:01:12,925 --> 00:01:14,245 healthy power exchange relationships. 29 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:16,365 If you enjoy this, you can add the podcast 30 00:01:16,465 --> 00:01:18,805 to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. 31 00:01:18,985 --> 00:01:21,605 And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future 32 00:01:21,635 --> 00:01:22,645 episode, uh, 33 00:01:22,645 --> 00:01:25,445 we have a contact page called Ask your Questions on our 34 00:01:25,445 --> 00:01:27,565 website and in the show notes for this episode, 35 00:01:27,735 --> 00:01:30,325 which you can find@lovingbdsm.net. 36 00:01:31,075 --> 00:01:32,605 Okay. Let's get into the question. 37 00:01:33,465 --> 00:01:34,725 The questions actually at the 38 00:01:34,725 --> 00:01:35,805 top, and then we get the background. 39 00:01:35,985 --> 00:01:40,845 Ah, okay. What to do when your dom brings up a kink 40 00:01:40,955 --> 00:01:44,645 that is not particularly air quote this domish. 41 00:01:45,275 --> 00:01:47,205 I've been married for more than a decade to my dom. 42 00:01:47,225 --> 00:01:49,485 He has recently brought up ideas that are silly, 43 00:01:49,905 --> 00:01:52,205 not particularly harmful or objective, 44 00:01:52,305 --> 00:01:54,965 and not submissive for him, just silly. 45 00:01:55,395 --> 00:01:57,885 They just don't reinforce his role as the dom. 46 00:01:58,105 --> 00:02:01,565 At least they don't fit my image of my dom in my own head. 47 00:02:02,065 --> 00:02:03,605 I'm trying to wrap my brain around it. 48 00:02:03,685 --> 00:02:05,325 I have no problem with the silly scenes. 49 00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:06,765 They're just that silly 50 00:02:06,865 --> 00:02:10,125 and they don't reinforce the dom sub relationship. 51 00:02:10,965 --> 00:02:13,325 - Hmm. - Relationship. What do you think? 52 00:02:13,885 --> 00:02:15,845 - I have several thoughts. Oh, - Goodness. Okay. 53 00:02:17,155 --> 00:02:21,965 - I've run across this question in similar veins, 54 00:02:22,025 --> 00:02:23,485 but different Mm-Hmm. 55 00:02:23,525 --> 00:02:25,485 different things. Uh, you know, 56 00:02:25,485 --> 00:02:28,245 you can look at it as, uh, you know, you, you're, 57 00:02:28,345 --> 00:02:29,805 Dom is asking you to do something. 58 00:02:29,875 --> 00:02:32,605 It's, it's an act of service. Mm-Hmm. . Okay. 59 00:02:32,805 --> 00:02:36,005 I mean, that, that's, you know, kind of the, the simple 60 00:02:36,625 --> 00:02:38,485 pie in sky answer. Right. You know, 61 00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:40,325 - If you're willing to do it, to do it is 62 00:02:40,325 --> 00:02:42,045 to submit to their wishes. Right? 63 00:02:42,045 --> 00:02:43,725 - Mm-Hmm. . Um, the other thing that, 64 00:02:43,755 --> 00:02:47,005 that I think of is in this is, you know, be silly. 65 00:02:47,785 --> 00:02:49,285 It doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't have 66 00:02:49,285 --> 00:02:51,205 to be serious all the time. 67 00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:55,205 No. You know, we we kind of embrace our silly, 68 00:02:55,205 --> 00:02:56,285 maybe a little too much. 69 00:02:56,985 --> 00:03:00,165 Um, but, you know, yeah. You gotta have fun with it. 70 00:03:00,215 --> 00:03:03,405 There, there are moments to be serious with, with, uh, 71 00:03:04,265 --> 00:03:06,085 you know, the, the power exchange and, 72 00:03:06,665 --> 00:03:09,245 but you know, lightened up a little bit. 73 00:03:09,385 --> 00:03:12,565 You know, things are, life is serious enough, you know, 74 00:03:12,905 --> 00:03:15,165 you gotta have, throw some humor in there. Right. 75 00:03:15,165 --> 00:03:19,325 - And the thing I come to is silly is subjective. Mm-Hmm. 76 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:21,405 , your dom could be very serious about this, 77 00:03:21,405 --> 00:03:23,045 could have deep feelings about this, 78 00:03:23,135 --> 00:03:25,565 could be genuinely like, interested 79 00:03:25,585 --> 00:03:27,205 and want to explore this thing. 80 00:03:27,505 --> 00:03:30,245 And you are looking at it and calling it silly. 81 00:03:30,515 --> 00:03:32,925 Sometimes silly is playful and fun. Yeah. 82 00:03:32,945 --> 00:03:36,125 And sometimes silly is pejorative of like, oh, 83 00:03:36,275 --> 00:03:37,285 it's unserious. 84 00:03:37,915 --> 00:03:40,085 It's not sophisticated, it's not this, 85 00:03:40,155 --> 00:03:41,165 it's not that . 86 00:03:41,505 --> 00:03:45,085 And so the thing I would say is think about what you mean 87 00:03:45,145 --> 00:03:49,405 by silly and how your dom would feel if you referred 88 00:03:49,405 --> 00:03:52,045 to this kink thing they'd like to try as silly. 89 00:03:52,585 --> 00:03:55,205 Uh, if we're talking playful, that's fine. Mm-Hmm. 90 00:03:55,245 --> 00:03:56,565 , we, like you said, 91 00:03:56,565 --> 00:03:57,805 we embrace the silly around here. 92 00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:59,805 Yeah. We have a good time. There's a time 93 00:04:00,105 --> 00:04:01,445 to not be silly . 94 00:04:01,445 --> 00:04:03,885 There is a time Mm-Hmm. to just be playful. 95 00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:07,045 But if the silly is coming from this idea 96 00:04:07,045 --> 00:04:10,965 that you think it's unserious that says more about you, 97 00:04:11,235 --> 00:04:12,485 then it does your dom. 98 00:04:13,465 --> 00:04:16,405 Um, the thought I had in this is 99 00:04:17,705 --> 00:04:21,245 the very last part where this person's problem with this is 100 00:04:21,245 --> 00:04:24,085 that it does not reinforce the dom sub relationship. 101 00:04:24,105 --> 00:04:26,805 Mm-Hmm. . And I guess my question would be 102 00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:30,325 does it have to, does everything you do in kink have to, 103 00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:33,365 you know, reinforced dom sub 104 00:04:33,905 --> 00:04:35,805 or depending on what the activity is, 105 00:04:36,215 --> 00:04:38,885 can't it be just a top bottom situation where 106 00:04:39,465 --> 00:04:41,325 if assuming your partner wants 107 00:04:41,345 --> 00:04:43,725 to top in whatever this kink scene is Mm-Hmm. 108 00:04:43,765 --> 00:04:45,525 , you know, they're still your dom 109 00:04:45,525 --> 00:04:49,085 and if they are taking charge of this kink, play the scene, 110 00:04:49,085 --> 00:04:51,645 the whatever it is, they're definitely still in charge. 111 00:04:51,795 --> 00:04:55,605 Yeah. Um, but if they wanna bottom for this, then we go back 112 00:04:55,665 --> 00:04:58,805 to topping your dom 113 00:04:58,805 --> 00:05:02,245 because they've requested it is a service. 114 00:05:02,265 --> 00:05:05,245 Mm-Hmm. You are doing that only because they asked you to 115 00:05:05,265 --> 00:05:07,205 and you wouldn't do it any other way. 116 00:05:07,995 --> 00:05:12,165 That is certainly a solid definition of submission. 117 00:05:12,635 --> 00:05:15,805 There's a lot of things that in my vanilla life I don't do 118 00:05:15,805 --> 00:05:18,965 for anybody else, that I only do because JB requests it. 119 00:05:19,345 --> 00:05:20,805 That's what makes me submissive. 120 00:05:21,445 --> 00:05:23,285 I do what he wants me to do within my, 121 00:05:23,625 --> 00:05:25,125 my boundaries, within my limits. 122 00:05:25,465 --> 00:05:27,725 And this person has said, this is not a limit thing, 123 00:05:27,765 --> 00:05:29,045 a boundary thing, a consent thing. 124 00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:32,045 It's a, they have a vision in their head of 125 00:05:32,045 --> 00:05:34,525 what they think their relationship is 126 00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:36,605 and who their dom is supposed to be. 127 00:05:36,635 --> 00:05:38,165 Yeah. And this is messing with them. 128 00:05:38,225 --> 00:05:39,645 And I, I don't wanna be mean 129 00:05:39,645 --> 00:05:42,125 because I think this is a common thing we get wrapped up in 130 00:05:42,585 --> 00:05:44,725 the fantasy and what we think Yeah. 131 00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:46,645 The power exchanges. Mm-Hmm. . 132 00:05:46,645 --> 00:05:50,125 And that when that doesn't match reality, it can Yeah. Be 133 00:05:50,165 --> 00:05:53,485 - A little, I mean, you know, some, some people might say, 134 00:05:53,485 --> 00:05:55,245 well, you know, it's a little bit gatekeeping, 135 00:05:55,425 --> 00:05:57,565 but it, it's not quite that Mm-Hmm. 136 00:05:57,605 --> 00:06:01,325 per se. Um, it's, it's kind of, they 137 00:06:01,835 --> 00:06:03,565 have this fixed image Mm-Hmm. 138 00:06:03,605 --> 00:06:05,325 of what things should be Mm-Hmm. 139 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,205 and shouldn't be, you know, 140 00:06:07,225 --> 00:06:09,205 and it's not that, it's not that simple. 141 00:06:09,475 --> 00:06:12,725 Yeah. You know, be because you know, it's not cut and dry. 142 00:06:13,305 --> 00:06:15,125 Uh, what we do is a spectrum. 143 00:06:15,265 --> 00:06:19,125 So there is, there is a big broad, uh, expanse of 144 00:06:19,125 --> 00:06:21,285 what this can mean to any one person. 145 00:06:21,545 --> 00:06:23,205 Mm-Hmm. , you know? Mm-Hmm. . 146 00:06:23,585 --> 00:06:26,325 So, you know, having a little fun with it being silly, 147 00:06:26,495 --> 00:06:30,285 silly scenes, um, you know, just kind 148 00:06:30,285 --> 00:06:31,485 of roll with it. Have fun. 149 00:06:31,745 --> 00:06:34,205 - And the thing is, is it sounds like this person is judging 150 00:06:34,325 --> 00:06:36,165 a scene that they're not participating in yet. 151 00:06:36,165 --> 00:06:38,405 Mm-Hmm. They've been, something's been described to them. 152 00:06:38,595 --> 00:06:40,925 Yeah. And their initial thought is, oh, that's silly. 153 00:06:40,985 --> 00:06:43,165 And again, I go back to check yourself on 154 00:06:43,165 --> 00:06:44,245 what you mean by silly. 155 00:06:44,675 --> 00:06:48,165 Okay. Because if it's the ridiculous, unnecessary, 156 00:06:48,505 --> 00:06:51,005 not serious kind, then that, that is very judgmental. 157 00:06:51,705 --> 00:06:54,165 Um, and that's a thing you'll want to work on. 158 00:06:54,385 --> 00:06:56,765 Um, , if the idea of being playful though, 159 00:06:57,155 --> 00:06:59,445 like weird you out, that is another thing to work on, 160 00:06:59,445 --> 00:07:00,685 but it's not a judgey thing. 161 00:07:00,755 --> 00:07:03,725 Yeah. Um, but if you are willing 162 00:07:03,745 --> 00:07:05,485 to participate in this scene, 163 00:07:05,505 --> 00:07:07,765 and that is a big thing, like you get the consent. 164 00:07:07,835 --> 00:07:08,925 Sure. You know, obviously, 165 00:07:09,505 --> 00:07:11,405 but if you're willing to participate in it, 166 00:07:11,745 --> 00:07:12,965 you are actually pre-judging it 167 00:07:12,965 --> 00:07:14,165 before you've done anything with it. 168 00:07:14,265 --> 00:07:16,125 So it sounds silly to you, 169 00:07:16,145 --> 00:07:17,645 but in, you might find 170 00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:19,365 that there's something about it you enjoy. 171 00:07:19,505 --> 00:07:21,645 You might find that in, in the scene, 172 00:07:21,645 --> 00:07:25,045 your dom exudes definite dom energy that appeals to you. 173 00:07:25,465 --> 00:07:28,445 Um, you might find that it's a new kink of yours, 174 00:07:28,445 --> 00:07:31,685 and this thing that you dismissed as silly and unserious 175 00:07:31,745 --> 00:07:34,365 before is something you want to do again. 176 00:07:35,385 --> 00:07:39,245 So assuming you're willing to do it, I would say, 177 00:07:39,385 --> 00:07:40,765 how do you wrap your head around this? 178 00:07:41,225 --> 00:07:42,805 You go try the damn thing. Hmm. 179 00:07:42,865 --> 00:07:44,245 And then you sit down afterwards 180 00:07:44,345 --> 00:07:46,205 and you have a conversation with your dom about 181 00:07:46,205 --> 00:07:49,085 how you felt, about how he felt about what happened, 182 00:07:49,085 --> 00:07:50,405 about whether you'd do it again, 183 00:07:50,775 --> 00:07:53,325 about if there was something missing from the 184 00:07:53,325 --> 00:07:54,365 scene that you need. 185 00:07:54,505 --> 00:07:58,325 So maybe he does not exude the, the dolines 186 00:07:58,515 --> 00:08:01,405 that you prefer in that scene. 187 00:08:01,825 --> 00:08:05,365 You can give the feedback of, this was good, this was fine. 188 00:08:05,865 --> 00:08:07,645 Here's what I wish I had more of. 189 00:08:07,825 --> 00:08:12,045 And the next scene might be exactly what you need. 190 00:08:12,345 --> 00:08:14,485 And it might've started from an air quote, 191 00:08:14,655 --> 00:08:16,285 silly premise. Mm-Hmm. , 192 00:08:16,305 --> 00:08:17,045 - You know. Yeah. 193 00:08:17,505 --> 00:08:21,965 - Um, I do think that there's more, uh, introspection 194 00:08:22,355 --> 00:08:25,405 that needs to be done on how you define 195 00:08:26,585 --> 00:08:29,125 who your dom is and what they're supposed to do. 196 00:08:29,125 --> 00:08:33,965 Because when we as people decide 197 00:08:33,965 --> 00:08:36,445 that this is what this label means, 198 00:08:36,945 --> 00:08:38,405 and then we're unsure 199 00:08:38,405 --> 00:08:42,125 of ourselves when somebody deviates from that, when one 200 00:08:42,895 --> 00:08:44,765 we're creating a stereotype in our head 201 00:08:45,145 --> 00:08:47,285 and it's, it veers on one true way, 202 00:08:47,285 --> 00:08:49,125 is there's this only way to be a dom. 203 00:08:49,125 --> 00:08:50,165 Mm-Hmm. . And if you can't do that, 204 00:08:50,605 --> 00:08:51,645 I can't see you as my dom. 205 00:08:51,855 --> 00:08:53,045 Right. Um, 206 00:08:53,745 --> 00:08:56,125 and two, I think what happens is you, 207 00:08:57,105 --> 00:08:58,885 you close yourself off 208 00:08:58,985 --> 00:09:02,005 to experiencing your partner in new ways 209 00:09:02,315 --> 00:09:03,365 that may surprise you. 210 00:09:03,785 --> 00:09:06,445 And you may inadvertently 211 00:09:06,505 --> 00:09:10,165 or very inadvertently shut down their own exploration 212 00:09:10,345 --> 00:09:12,765 of figuring out who they are, not just as a dom, 213 00:09:13,225 --> 00:09:15,045 but as aster and as a person. 214 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:19,205 Yeah. It's very possible that the things they're asking for 215 00:09:19,205 --> 00:09:21,525 and describing, even though they don't violate limits 216 00:09:21,525 --> 00:09:23,525 of yours, and even though it's not something you 217 00:09:24,055 --> 00:09:26,285 would never do, doesn't appeal to you, 218 00:09:27,435 --> 00:09:30,365 that doesn't make them any less dumb in it. 219 00:09:30,385 --> 00:09:32,805 It makes them, makes that activity a thing 220 00:09:32,805 --> 00:09:34,005 that y'all can't do together. 221 00:09:34,585 --> 00:09:37,445 And if it's an important kink to your, your dom, 222 00:09:37,715 --> 00:09:39,285 then there's a conversation about 223 00:09:39,385 --> 00:09:43,295 to be had about is there a way for him 224 00:09:43,515 --> 00:09:45,495 to have that experience somewhere else 225 00:09:45,555 --> 00:09:46,855 - To, to get that need met? Yes. 226 00:09:46,955 --> 00:09:50,265 - And that, you know, that's not for everybody. 227 00:09:50,605 --> 00:09:53,025 Not everybody wants that in their key relationship. 228 00:09:53,455 --> 00:09:57,065 It's not a requirement. But that would be the next thing. 229 00:09:57,125 --> 00:09:59,625 If this is a thing that you just don't want to do and, 230 00:10:00,005 --> 00:10:02,465 and it's just not your thing, that's fine. 231 00:10:03,365 --> 00:10:06,065 But it is that something within your relationship 232 00:10:06,065 --> 00:10:08,705 that you're okay with your drama exploring in other ways. 233 00:10:09,645 --> 00:10:13,545 Um, I just, I, I just think about the, the stereotype. 234 00:10:13,565 --> 00:10:15,625 It sounds like you've created in your head of what it means, 235 00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:17,865 what it means for your dom to be your dom. 236 00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:23,185 And it's a little limiting on who he is as a person 237 00:10:23,245 --> 00:10:26,585 and AK to say that this thing he wants is silly in 238 00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:28,985 that ridiculous unserious definition. 239 00:10:29,015 --> 00:10:32,185 Yeah. Um, and then I go back to not everything, 240 00:10:33,325 --> 00:10:35,505 not everything we do in power exchange has 241 00:10:35,505 --> 00:10:37,185 to reinforce our power exchange. 242 00:10:37,535 --> 00:10:41,305 Sometimes it, it creates intimacy and vulnerability 243 00:10:41,845 --> 00:10:44,065 and a sense of safety that we can be 244 00:10:44,635 --> 00:10:46,745 fully ourselves with one another. 245 00:10:46,745 --> 00:10:50,065 Mm-Hmm. , um, and experiment together, 246 00:10:50,365 --> 00:10:53,505 or just talk about our innermost feelings. 247 00:10:53,505 --> 00:10:56,305 And this is the one person we can do that with maybe. 248 00:10:56,645 --> 00:11:01,415 Um, and that doesn't reinforce power exchange, 249 00:11:01,415 --> 00:11:04,495 but what it does is it creates the foundation so 250 00:11:04,495 --> 00:11:06,295 that the power exchange can go further 251 00:11:06,995 --> 00:11:09,575 at another time in another way. 252 00:11:10,435 --> 00:11:13,775 Um, but I do go back to what you said at the very top, 253 00:11:13,835 --> 00:11:15,255 and this is the thing I would leave you with, 254 00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:17,015 assuming it doesn't violate 255 00:11:17,265 --> 00:11:18,815 boundaries and hard limits Mm-Hmm. 256 00:11:18,855 --> 00:11:21,415 . And you're willing to participate, um, 257 00:11:22,425 --> 00:11:25,575 doing something your partner wants to do that you wouldn't 258 00:11:25,575 --> 00:11:26,575 otherwise do. 259 00:11:27,875 --> 00:11:29,735 One of the many definitions of submission. 260 00:11:30,395 --> 00:11:34,455 And if you do the scene with that in mind Mm-Hmm. 261 00:11:34,495 --> 00:11:36,175 , that alone may reinforce 262 00:11:36,995 --> 00:11:38,615 the, the power exchange. Sure. 263 00:11:38,875 --> 00:11:41,695 - You, if you, if you do that thing that you're filling 264 00:11:42,565 --> 00:11:44,335 that person's well in a sense, 265 00:11:44,335 --> 00:11:47,615 because that's something they need now, you know, if they, 266 00:11:47,715 --> 00:11:50,815 you want to, if there are other scenes in the way 267 00:11:50,815 --> 00:11:54,125 that you like them, then that fills yours. So it's a 268 00:11:54,125 --> 00:11:55,125 - Give and take. 269 00:11:55,125 --> 00:11:56,565 It is, it is because it's a give and take. 270 00:11:56,565 --> 00:11:59,605 There's a very good chance at some point in your submissive 271 00:11:59,605 --> 00:12:02,565 life, you're gonna want something that your dom is not, 272 00:12:02,745 --> 00:12:04,725 did not bring up to you, did not introduce you to, 273 00:12:04,875 --> 00:12:06,245 it's gonna be a thing that you discover 274 00:12:06,385 --> 00:12:07,605 in whatever way you discover it. 275 00:12:07,945 --> 00:12:10,285 And you may bring it to your dom's attention 276 00:12:10,305 --> 00:12:11,925 and go, Hey, can we do this? 277 00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:14,485 And their first reaction might not be, 278 00:12:14,545 --> 00:12:15,685 oh, I've always wanna do this. 279 00:12:15,685 --> 00:12:17,405 It might be like, what is it you wanna do? 280 00:12:17,615 --> 00:12:18,885 Lemme go figure this out. 281 00:12:20,025 --> 00:12:21,765 And that is part of the give and take. 282 00:12:22,185 --> 00:12:23,245 Not always, just 283 00:12:23,245 --> 00:12:24,565 because a dom wants something 284 00:12:24,565 --> 00:12:25,725 doesn't mean a sub has to do it. 285 00:12:25,725 --> 00:12:26,925 Just because the sub asks 286 00:12:26,925 --> 00:12:29,245 or dom for something doesn't mean the dom has to give it 287 00:12:29,485 --> 00:12:30,685 to them, obviously. 288 00:12:31,345 --> 00:12:34,285 But part of the give 289 00:12:34,285 --> 00:12:38,845 and take of relationships in general is to find the places 290 00:12:38,895 --> 00:12:40,485 where you go on my own. 291 00:12:40,605 --> 00:12:42,685 I would never fucking do that. But for you, I'll try it. 292 00:12:42,715 --> 00:12:44,165 I'll try it. Mm-Hmm, , it's fine. I'll try it. 293 00:12:44,165 --> 00:12:48,445 Mm-Hmm. . And when you do it for one, 294 00:12:48,875 --> 00:12:52,325 it's easier often for the your partner to do it for you, 295 00:12:52,565 --> 00:12:54,165 assuming a healthy relationship and all that good stuff. 296 00:12:54,525 --> 00:12:58,205 . Um, so just realize that I, I don't, you know, 297 00:12:58,205 --> 00:12:59,525 you've been married for a decade, 298 00:12:59,705 --> 00:13:00,845 but I don't know 299 00:13:01,025 --> 00:13:02,165 how long you've been in this 300 00:13:02,165 --> 00:13:03,485 power exchange, maybe the full decade. 301 00:13:04,105 --> 00:13:08,245 Um, but I would find it surprising if you hadn't 302 00:13:08,865 --> 00:13:10,245 had things you wanted to do 303 00:13:10,245 --> 00:13:12,285 that you're Dom didn't think of first. 304 00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:14,485 Mm-Hmm. , you know, how did that go? 305 00:13:14,745 --> 00:13:18,365 Did they embrace your silly idea, ? 306 00:13:18,425 --> 00:13:20,405 Did they go with it for you? Did they have a conversation? 307 00:13:20,785 --> 00:13:25,245 You know, did they give your desire the respect 308 00:13:25,355 --> 00:13:26,725 that, you know? 309 00:13:27,035 --> 00:13:29,925 True. My thinking is that this desire should be respected. 310 00:13:29,925 --> 00:13:32,485 Doesn't mean it has to be done, but it should be respected. 311 00:13:32,485 --> 00:13:35,885 And when you call it silly is not the most respectful, 312 00:13:36,275 --> 00:13:38,325 it's not kink shammy completely. 313 00:13:38,325 --> 00:13:41,325 Right. But it's, it's like right on the edge. Mm-Hmm. 314 00:13:41,365 --> 00:13:43,085 , if you took that further 315 00:13:43,145 --> 00:13:47,005 and went, it's ridiculous, it's no dom would ever do it. 316 00:13:47,025 --> 00:13:49,325 But now we've traveled into kink shaming, 317 00:13:49,455 --> 00:13:51,365 we're right on the edge there by calling it silly. 318 00:13:51,395 --> 00:13:54,365 Yeah. That it doesn't make your dom appear dumbly to you. 319 00:13:55,305 --> 00:13:57,485 Uh, your dom having any power 320 00:13:57,485 --> 00:13:59,485 and control you give them, makes them the dom, you know? 321 00:13:59,625 --> 00:14:02,285 Mm-Hmm. . It just does. So yeah. 322 00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:05,085 A little luxury. , , do you have any, 323 00:14:05,305 --> 00:14:06,925 uh, last thoughts? 324 00:14:07,105 --> 00:14:11,765 No. Yeah, so reframe it, recap, reframe it in your mind 325 00:14:11,915 --> 00:14:14,525 that assuming you're willing to do it, doing it 326 00:14:14,525 --> 00:14:17,405 for your partner makes it a submissive act on your part. 327 00:14:17,405 --> 00:14:19,525 Right. Think really hard 328 00:14:20,185 --> 00:14:22,965 and long about how you're defining silly here. 329 00:14:23,335 --> 00:14:27,285 Think about all the other parts of your relationship 330 00:14:27,355 --> 00:14:28,645 that make it power exchange 331 00:14:28,645 --> 00:14:31,485 and that make your dom seem dom to you. 332 00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:34,725 And also maybe, maybe, you know, 333 00:14:34,725 --> 00:14:36,925 start expanding horizons on redefining 334 00:14:36,925 --> 00:14:39,045 what dominance means to you. 335 00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,205 Mm-Hmm. . Um, 336 00:14:40,865 --> 00:14:43,365 and, you know, ask yourself why 337 00:14:43,985 --> 00:14:45,805 it feels like everything you do in King has 338 00:14:45,805 --> 00:14:48,045 to reinforce the, the power exchange. 339 00:14:48,265 --> 00:14:50,765 It, I mean, it's okay to want that. It's okay to want that. 340 00:14:50,785 --> 00:14:53,405 No, but it doesn't have to. Sometimes. 341 00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:56,165 What, what you're doing reinforces vulnerability. 342 00:14:56,225 --> 00:14:58,645 It reinforces trust. It reinforces communication. 343 00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,525 It reinforces intimacy, 344 00:15:00,895 --> 00:15:03,445 which then allows the power exchange to grow. 345 00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:04,725 Mm-Hmm. and expand. Mm-Hmm. . 346 00:15:04,865 --> 00:15:08,085 And be solid. So there you go. Those are my thoughts. 347 00:15:08,085 --> 00:15:10,885 Those are your thoughts. Yep. There we go. Mm-Hmm. 348 00:15:10,925 --> 00:15:12,685 , thanks for listening 349 00:15:12,685 --> 00:15:14,045 to this week's q and a episode. 350 00:15:14,105 --> 00:15:15,805 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 351 00:15:15,875 --> 00:15:19,005 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, 352 00:15:19,185 --> 00:15:20,805 or you can find the link in the show notes. 353 00:15:21,185 --> 00:15:23,125 Big thanks as always, to our kinky community over on 354 00:15:23,125 --> 00:15:25,845 Patreon, we're able to do this podcast and keep it going 355 00:15:25,865 --> 00:15:27,965 and help Sters due to your support. 356 00:15:28,425 --> 00:15:30,045 If you'd like to be part of our community 357 00:15:30,045 --> 00:15:31,325 and get access to extra content 358 00:15:31,465 --> 00:15:33,565 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 359 00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:35,165 super nice kinks, you can do that. 360 00:15:35,315 --> 00:15:37,845 Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. 361 00:15:37,865 --> 00:15:40,565 That's patreon.com/kayla lords, 362 00:15:40,585 --> 00:15:41,805 or use the link in the show notes.