- You are listening to the loving BDSM podcast.
Kil Lord's here with the one, the only, the
still a little mildly grumpy 'cause you're stressed.
But we all still love you John Brownstone.
- That is appropriate. ,
- You're not caffeinated enough.
No, but I don't think at this point you can be. No.
Um, all you're thinking about is all the things
that you still have to do and the things
you have not gotten done yet.
Correct. Uh,
and here I am going, Hey, daddy, talk to me in a microphone,
- .
Yeah.
- But we, we like this and it does make you feel better.
- Yeah. - We just recorded something where at the start
of it, he wasn't even speaking.
Y'all not even grunts.
And by the end he was, he was in giggles.
So I think, I think it works. .
I'm just saying, uh, this week
we're answering a question about how to handle a request
for kinky play
that doesn't fit the vision you have of your partner.
Hmm. Makes you go Hmm. What?
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Okay. Let's get into the question.
The questions actually at the
top, and then we get the background.
Ah, okay. What to do when your dom brings up a kink
that is not particularly air quote this domish.
I've been married for more than a decade to my dom.
He has recently brought up ideas that are silly,
not particularly harmful or objective,
and not submissive for him, just silly.
They just don't reinforce his role as the dom.
At least they don't fit my image of my dom in my own head.
I'm trying to wrap my brain around it.
I have no problem with the silly scenes.
They're just that silly
and they don't reinforce the dom sub relationship.
- Hmm. - Relationship. What do you think?
- I have several thoughts. Oh, - Goodness. Okay.
- I've run across this question in similar veins,
but different Mm-Hmm.
different things. Uh, you know,
you can look at it as, uh, you know, you, you're,
Dom is asking you to do something.
It's, it's an act of service. Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
I mean, that, that's, you know, kind of the, the simple
pie in sky answer. Right. You know,
- If you're willing to do it, to do it is
to submit to their wishes. Right?
- Mm-Hmm. . Um, the other thing that,
that I think of is in this is, you know, be silly.
It doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't have
to be serious all the time.
No. You know, we we kind of embrace our silly,
maybe a little too much.
Um, but, you know, yeah. You gotta have fun with it.
There, there are moments to be serious with, with, uh,
you know, the, the power exchange and,
but you know, lightened up a little bit.
You know, things are, life is serious enough, you know,
you gotta have, throw some humor in there. Right.
- And the thing I come to is silly is subjective. Mm-Hmm.
, your dom could be very serious about this,
could have deep feelings about this,
could be genuinely like, interested
and want to explore this thing.
And you are looking at it and calling it silly.
Sometimes silly is playful and fun. Yeah.
And sometimes silly is pejorative of like, oh,
it's unserious.
It's not sophisticated, it's not this,
it's not that .
And so the thing I would say is think about what you mean
by silly and how your dom would feel if you referred
to this kink thing they'd like to try as silly.
Uh, if we're talking playful, that's fine. Mm-Hmm.
, we, like you said,
we embrace the silly around here.
Yeah. We have a good time. There's a time
to not be silly .
There is a time Mm-Hmm. to just be playful.
But if the silly is coming from this idea
that you think it's unserious that says more about you,
then it does your dom.
Um, the thought I had in this is
the very last part where this person's problem with this is
that it does not reinforce the dom sub relationship.
Mm-Hmm. . And I guess my question would be
does it have to, does everything you do in kink have to,
you know, reinforced dom sub
or depending on what the activity is,
can't it be just a top bottom situation where
if assuming your partner wants
to top in whatever this kink scene is Mm-Hmm.
, you know, they're still your dom
and if they are taking charge of this kink, play the scene,
the whatever it is, they're definitely still in charge.
Yeah. Um, but if they wanna bottom for this, then we go back
to topping your dom
because they've requested it is a service.
Mm-Hmm. You are doing that only because they asked you to
and you wouldn't do it any other way.
That is certainly a solid definition of submission.
There's a lot of things that in my vanilla life I don't do
for anybody else, that I only do because JB requests it.
That's what makes me submissive.
I do what he wants me to do within my,
my boundaries, within my limits.
And this person has said, this is not a limit thing,
a boundary thing, a consent thing.
It's a, they have a vision in their head of
what they think their relationship is
and who their dom is supposed to be.
Yeah. And this is messing with them.
And I, I don't wanna be mean
because I think this is a common thing we get wrapped up in
the fantasy and what we think Yeah.
The power exchanges. Mm-Hmm. .
And that when that doesn't match reality, it can Yeah. Be
- A little, I mean, you know, some, some people might say,
well, you know, it's a little bit gatekeeping,
but it, it's not quite that Mm-Hmm.
per se. Um, it's, it's kind of, they
have this fixed image Mm-Hmm.
of what things should be Mm-Hmm.
and shouldn't be, you know,
and it's not that, it's not that simple.
Yeah. You know, be because you know, it's not cut and dry.
Uh, what we do is a spectrum.
So there is, there is a big broad, uh, expanse of
what this can mean to any one person.
Mm-Hmm. , you know? Mm-Hmm. .
So, you know, having a little fun with it being silly,
silly scenes, um, you know, just kind
of roll with it. Have fun.
- And the thing is, is it sounds like this person is judging
a scene that they're not participating in yet.
Mm-Hmm. They've been, something's been described to them.
Yeah. And their initial thought is, oh, that's silly.
And again, I go back to check yourself on
what you mean by silly.
Okay. Because if it's the ridiculous, unnecessary,
not serious kind, then that, that is very judgmental.
Um, and that's a thing you'll want to work on.
Um, , if the idea of being playful though,
like weird you out, that is another thing to work on,
but it's not a judgey thing.
Yeah. Um, but if you are willing
to participate in this scene,
and that is a big thing, like you get the consent.
Sure. You know, obviously,
but if you're willing to participate in it,
you are actually pre-judging it
before you've done anything with it.
So it sounds silly to you,
but in, you might find
that there's something about it you enjoy.
You might find that in, in the scene,
your dom exudes definite dom energy that appeals to you.
Um, you might find that it's a new kink of yours,
and this thing that you dismissed as silly and unserious
before is something you want to do again.
So assuming you're willing to do it, I would say,
how do you wrap your head around this?
You go try the damn thing. Hmm.
And then you sit down afterwards
and you have a conversation with your dom about
how you felt, about how he felt about what happened,
about whether you'd do it again,
about if there was something missing from the
scene that you need.
So maybe he does not exude the, the dolines
that you prefer in that scene.
You can give the feedback of, this was good, this was fine.
Here's what I wish I had more of.
And the next scene might be exactly what you need.
And it might've started from an air quote,
silly premise. Mm-Hmm. ,
- You know. Yeah.
- Um, I do think that there's more, uh, introspection
that needs to be done on how you define
who your dom is and what they're supposed to do.
Because when we as people decide
that this is what this label means,
and then we're unsure
of ourselves when somebody deviates from that, when one
we're creating a stereotype in our head
and it's, it veers on one true way,
is there's this only way to be a dom.
Mm-Hmm. . And if you can't do that,
I can't see you as my dom.
Right. Um,
and two, I think what happens is you,
you close yourself off
to experiencing your partner in new ways
that may surprise you.
And you may inadvertently
or very inadvertently shut down their own exploration
of figuring out who they are, not just as a dom,
but as aster and as a person.
Yeah. It's very possible that the things they're asking for
and describing, even though they don't violate limits
of yours, and even though it's not something you
would never do, doesn't appeal to you,
that doesn't make them any less dumb in it.
It makes them, makes that activity a thing
that y'all can't do together.
And if it's an important kink to your, your dom,
then there's a conversation about
to be had about is there a way for him
to have that experience somewhere else
- To, to get that need met? Yes.
- And that, you know, that's not for everybody.
Not everybody wants that in their key relationship.
It's not a requirement. But that would be the next thing.
If this is a thing that you just don't want to do and,
and it's just not your thing, that's fine.
But it is that something within your relationship
that you're okay with your drama exploring in other ways.
Um, I just, I, I just think about the, the stereotype.
It sounds like you've created in your head of what it means,
what it means for your dom to be your dom.
And it's a little limiting on who he is as a person
and AK to say that this thing he wants is silly in
that ridiculous unserious definition.
Yeah. Um, and then I go back to not everything,
not everything we do in power exchange has
to reinforce our power exchange.
Sometimes it, it creates intimacy and vulnerability
and a sense of safety that we can be
fully ourselves with one another.
Mm-Hmm. , um, and experiment together,
or just talk about our innermost feelings.
And this is the one person we can do that with maybe.
Um, and that doesn't reinforce power exchange,
but what it does is it creates the foundation so
that the power exchange can go further
at another time in another way.
Um, but I do go back to what you said at the very top,
and this is the thing I would leave you with,
assuming it doesn't violate
boundaries and hard limits Mm-Hmm.
. And you're willing to participate, um,
doing something your partner wants to do that you wouldn't
otherwise do.
One of the many definitions of submission.
And if you do the scene with that in mind Mm-Hmm.
, that alone may reinforce
the, the power exchange. Sure.
- You, if you, if you do that thing that you're filling
that person's well in a sense,
because that's something they need now, you know, if they,
you want to, if there are other scenes in the way
that you like them, then that fills yours. So it's a
- Give and take.
It is, it is because it's a give and take.
There's a very good chance at some point in your submissive
life, you're gonna want something that your dom is not,
did not bring up to you, did not introduce you to,
it's gonna be a thing that you discover
in whatever way you discover it.
And you may bring it to your dom's attention
and go, Hey, can we do this?
And their first reaction might not be,
oh, I've always wanna do this.
It might be like, what is it you wanna do?
Lemme go figure this out.
And that is part of the give and take.
Not always, just
because a dom wants something
doesn't mean a sub has to do it.
Just because the sub asks
or dom for something doesn't mean the dom has to give it
to them, obviously.
But part of the give
and take of relationships in general is to find the places
where you go on my own.
I would never fucking do that. But for you, I'll try it.
I'll try it. Mm-Hmm, , it's fine. I'll try it.
Mm-Hmm. . And when you do it for one,
it's easier often for the your partner to do it for you,
assuming a healthy relationship and all that good stuff.
. Um, so just realize that I, I don't, you know,
you've been married for a decade,
but I don't know
how long you've been in this
power exchange, maybe the full decade.
Um, but I would find it surprising if you hadn't
had things you wanted to do
that you're Dom didn't think of first.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, how did that go?
Did they embrace your silly idea, ?
Did they go with it for you? Did they have a conversation?
You know, did they give your desire the respect
that, you know?
True. My thinking is that this desire should be respected.
Doesn't mean it has to be done, but it should be respected.
And when you call it silly is not the most respectful,
it's not kink shammy completely.
Right. But it's, it's like right on the edge. Mm-Hmm.
, if you took that further
and went, it's ridiculous, it's no dom would ever do it.
But now we've traveled into kink shaming,
we're right on the edge there by calling it silly.
Yeah. That it doesn't make your dom appear dumbly to you.
Uh, your dom having any power
and control you give them, makes them the dom, you know?
Mm-Hmm. . It just does. So yeah.
A little luxury. , , do you have any,
uh, last thoughts?
No. Yeah, so reframe it, recap, reframe it in your mind
that assuming you're willing to do it, doing it
for your partner makes it a submissive act on your part.
Right. Think really hard
and long about how you're defining silly here.
Think about all the other parts of your relationship
that make it power exchange
and that make your dom seem dom to you.
And also maybe, maybe, you know,
start expanding horizons on redefining
what dominance means to you.
Mm-Hmm. . Um,
and, you know, ask yourself why
it feels like everything you do in King has
to reinforce the, the power exchange.
It, I mean, it's okay to want that. It's okay to want that.
No, but it doesn't have to. Sometimes.
What, what you're doing reinforces vulnerability.
It reinforces trust. It reinforces communication.
It reinforces intimacy,
which then allows the power exchange to grow.
Mm-Hmm. and expand. Mm-Hmm. .
And be solid. So there you go. Those are my thoughts.
Those are your thoughts. Yep. There we go. Mm-Hmm.
, thanks for listening
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