1 00:00:11,065 --> 00:00:12,725 - You are listening to the loving BDSM podcast, 2 00:00:12,875 --> 00:00:14,245 episode 3 74. 3 00:00:14,355 --> 00:00:16,405 Okay. The Lord's here with the one, the only the 4 00:00:17,175 --> 00:00:18,565 we're time traveling here. 5 00:00:18,665 --> 00:00:21,085 So in different recordings, you've been different levels 6 00:00:21,185 --> 00:00:23,525 of grump, Uhhuh, because of stress. 7 00:00:23,795 --> 00:00:27,085 Yeah. But you seem to finally be like coming down 8 00:00:27,085 --> 00:00:30,325 to like a manageable level of grumpy polar bear stress. 9 00:00:30,635 --> 00:00:31,725 John Brownstone. Nah, 10 00:00:32,125 --> 00:00:33,125 - . 11 00:00:33,125 --> 00:00:35,085 Nah, . It's all rumors. . 12 00:00:35,545 --> 00:00:38,125 - You, I mean, you still look like your jaw is 13 00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:39,565 perpetually clenched . 14 00:00:40,785 --> 00:00:42,165 But I can get you to smile. 15 00:00:42,475 --> 00:00:44,965 Whereas before we even started recording 16 00:00:45,065 --> 00:00:47,045 and at the top of one of our recordings, 17 00:00:47,705 --> 00:00:48,845 you refuse to smile. 18 00:00:49,825 --> 00:00:50,885 - That's true. - Yeah. 19 00:00:51,065 --> 00:00:55,525 So, you know, I'm working my submissive whiles on you. 20 00:00:55,885 --> 00:00:56,885 . I dunno. 21 00:00:57,485 --> 00:01:00,245 I would say my feminine wilds, but, uh, . 22 00:01:00,845 --> 00:01:02,645 I know, I know. Whatever the flavor 23 00:01:02,705 --> 00:01:04,645 of wils are, you don't really give a shit. 24 00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:07,165 The, the, the gender of them. Mm-Hmm. . 25 00:01:07,165 --> 00:01:09,085 It's just the wild. So we'll kind , 26 00:01:09,375 --> 00:01:10,405 submissive. Wilds. 27 00:01:10,475 --> 00:01:14,845 - Okay. . - Have I complicated that enough? Yes. 28 00:01:15,035 --> 00:01:16,445 Have I muddied those waters? 29 00:01:16,585 --> 00:01:18,045 You certainly have turned them up. 30 00:01:18,225 --> 00:01:20,165 Nobody knows what the fuck is going on around here. 31 00:01:20,265 --> 00:01:22,765 - You, you jumped in there with a blender. I 32 00:01:22,785 --> 00:01:23,785 - Did. 33 00:01:23,785 --> 00:01:26,005 I did . It's 'cause I haven't had enough coffee. 34 00:01:26,425 --> 00:01:28,885 So we're just going off of vibes and Yeah. 35 00:01:29,105 --> 00:01:30,125 And that's about it. 36 00:01:30,705 --> 00:01:32,565 Uh, that is not at all 37 00:01:32,565 --> 00:01:34,645 what we're talking about this week. 38 00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:38,085 This week we are sharing what we find easy 39 00:01:38,305 --> 00:01:40,525 and what we find difficult about kink 40 00:01:40,525 --> 00:01:41,925 and especially power exchange. 41 00:01:42,155 --> 00:01:43,845 Welcome to the Loving B DSS M podcast. 42 00:01:44,075 --> 00:01:45,765 This is your first time listening. Glad to have you. 43 00:01:45,765 --> 00:01:47,165 If you're back for another week, welcome back. 44 00:01:47,225 --> 00:01:49,045 Loving BDSM is produced every Friday 45 00:01:49,045 --> 00:01:50,365 for your kinky pleasure and education. 46 00:01:50,365 --> 00:01:53,005 And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net. 47 00:01:53,395 --> 00:01:55,165 Come back often and feel free to add the podcast 48 00:01:55,225 --> 00:01:56,525 to your favorite podcast app. 49 00:01:56,785 --> 00:01:59,925 You can also follow the show on Twitter at loving BDSM on 50 00:01:59,955 --> 00:02:03,165 FetLife at loving BDSM PC on Instagram 51 00:02:03,265 --> 00:02:04,405 and threads at that handle. 52 00:02:04,565 --> 00:02:07,445 I will forever fucking hate loving DSS in the number one. 53 00:02:07,545 --> 00:02:09,205 So at Loving DSS one, 54 00:02:09,425 --> 00:02:12,485 or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving bdsm, 55 00:02:12,495 --> 00:02:13,885 where you can watch us live stream the 56 00:02:13,885 --> 00:02:14,965 podcast every Wednesday. 57 00:02:15,425 --> 00:02:16,565 All links are in the show notes. 58 00:02:17,065 --> 00:02:19,405 Big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon, 59 00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:21,685 including our newest peeps, uh, we're able 60 00:02:21,685 --> 00:02:23,205 to keep being weirdos on the internet. 61 00:02:23,205 --> 00:02:24,565 Mm-Hmm. , uh, in large part 62 00:02:24,565 --> 00:02:25,605 because of our kinky patrons, 63 00:02:25,665 --> 00:02:28,365 and we are fucking grateful for every fucking one of you. 64 00:02:28,965 --> 00:02:31,805 Absolutely. Uh, if you'd like to join our kinky community 65 00:02:32,065 --> 00:02:33,605 and get access to extra content 66 00:02:33,745 --> 00:02:35,565 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 67 00:02:35,565 --> 00:02:37,125 super nice kinks, you can do that. 68 00:02:37,315 --> 00:02:40,205 Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. 69 00:02:40,205 --> 00:02:43,085 That's patreon.com/kayla lords, 70 00:02:43,085 --> 00:02:44,285 or use the link in the show notes. 71 00:02:45,355 --> 00:02:47,805 Okay. Before we get into this week's topic, 72 00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,485 just a couple of announcements. 73 00:02:49,945 --> 00:02:52,845 Uh, but if I don't look at my notes, I will get them wrong. 74 00:02:53,125 --> 00:02:55,685 . Hmm. Um, this Friday, 75 00:02:57,085 --> 00:02:58,805 November 17th. 76 00:02:59,185 --> 00:03:00,445 Yes. That's how dates work. 77 00:03:00,865 --> 00:03:02,685 Um, , we are going live 78 00:03:03,345 --> 00:03:05,965 on YouTube at 9:30 PM Eastern Mm-Hmm. 79 00:03:06,005 --> 00:03:09,125 for our monthly Friday night livestream. 80 00:03:09,125 --> 00:03:13,165 Virtual Munch, B-D-S-M-Q and a thing that we do. 81 00:03:13,945 --> 00:03:16,005 Um, it is the day 82 00:03:16,005 --> 00:03:18,645 before the second announcement 83 00:03:18,645 --> 00:03:20,685 where we'll be at the woodshed in Orlando 84 00:03:20,945 --> 00:03:22,405 for their holiday shopping. 85 00:03:23,305 --> 00:03:24,965 Say it, say it. Only you could say it 86 00:03:25,645 --> 00:03:26,925 - Extravaganza. Sure. 87 00:03:27,225 --> 00:03:28,685 - Oh my God. . 88 00:03:28,845 --> 00:03:31,325 I get a little bit of an internal cringe every time you say 89 00:03:31,325 --> 00:03:32,525 it, but I love you, so go for it. 90 00:03:32,525 --> 00:03:37,325 Just, just do your thing. Um, so Friday night livestream, 91 00:03:37,715 --> 00:03:39,885 will we stick around till midnight like we usually do? 92 00:03:40,325 --> 00:03:42,725 I don't know, because Friday is crunch time. 93 00:03:42,725 --> 00:03:44,245 Friday is finish all the things. 94 00:03:44,405 --> 00:03:45,525 I don't know how exhausted we'll be. 95 00:03:46,645 --> 00:03:49,405 Saturday we'll be in Orlando at the Witched from 3:00 PM 96 00:03:49,425 --> 00:03:51,405 to 7:00 PM for their holiday shopping. 97 00:03:51,635 --> 00:03:53,165 That word nobody needs to say. 98 00:03:53,165 --> 00:03:55,485 We're just gonna leave that, that e word alone. 99 00:03:56,185 --> 00:04:00,165 Um, , if you are in Orlando, can get to Orlando 100 00:04:00,225 --> 00:04:03,125 and want to be in Orlando on November 18th. 101 00:04:03,345 --> 00:04:06,285 You can come join us. It's free to, uh, 102 00:04:06,435 --> 00:04:07,885 come into the dungeon during that time. 103 00:04:07,885 --> 00:04:10,445 Yeah. 3:00 PM to 7:00 PM Uh, you don't have to buy anything. 104 00:04:10,445 --> 00:04:12,885 You can just browse. You can just pick up business cards. 105 00:04:13,105 --> 00:04:14,885 Uh, you can just stop by and say hi to us. 106 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:19,445 Um, and then if you did wanna like, hang out at the dungeon 107 00:04:19,535 --> 00:04:24,045 after the, the extravaganza, uh, 108 00:04:24,285 --> 00:04:25,565 , you do have to pay for that. 109 00:04:25,725 --> 00:04:27,565 'cause they'll have, like, they'll be open for play. 110 00:04:27,985 --> 00:04:30,325 Um, and I got the email today. 111 00:04:30,325 --> 00:04:31,845 We will be in the purple room. 112 00:04:32,825 --> 00:04:35,445 And that feels correct. 113 00:04:35,875 --> 00:04:37,725 - That that feels supposed apropos. Yeah. 114 00:04:37,925 --> 00:04:39,205 - Supposed to be. That's where we're supposed to be. Yep. 115 00:04:39,205 --> 00:04:40,805 Yep. So yeah. Friday night, live stream. 116 00:04:41,605 --> 00:04:43,165 Saturday in Orlando. Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. 117 00:04:43,305 --> 00:04:45,405 Sunday we collapse. Yeah. 118 00:04:45,405 --> 00:04:47,525 Except we can't, 'cause then we start back up again. 119 00:04:47,995 --> 00:04:49,925 It's fine. We signed up for this. 120 00:04:50,145 --> 00:04:53,245 We decided we wanted this to be our life, so here we are. 121 00:04:54,435 --> 00:04:59,355 Okay. Um, yeah, the topic. 122 00:04:59,455 --> 00:05:01,395 Mm-Hmm. the things we think are simple 123 00:05:01,495 --> 00:05:02,875 or f found to be simple. 124 00:05:03,055 --> 00:05:05,555 Mm. The things that we have found or continue to find, 125 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,315 or they were at one time difficult. 126 00:05:07,815 --> 00:05:10,875 Um, who is this for other than ourselves to, 127 00:05:10,975 --> 00:05:12,115 to indulge ourselves? 128 00:05:12,735 --> 00:05:15,635 Um, well, I thought 129 00:05:15,635 --> 00:05:17,115 of two things when I thought of that today. 130 00:05:17,375 --> 00:05:21,235 One, um, I kind for anybody who's newer, either to kink 131 00:05:21,235 --> 00:05:24,075 or newly in a real a power exchange relationship, 132 00:05:24,635 --> 00:05:27,915 I just wanna point out that some things are simple 133 00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:30,355 and some things are still difficult regardless of 134 00:05:30,355 --> 00:05:31,595 how long you've been doing this. 135 00:05:31,595 --> 00:05:33,475 Mm-Hmm. . And to just normalize that 136 00:05:33,475 --> 00:05:35,635 because I think, you know, there are a lot of people 137 00:05:35,855 --> 00:05:37,675 who are like, okay, I'm kinky. 138 00:05:37,735 --> 00:05:39,395 That's great. I figured myself out. Okay. 139 00:05:39,415 --> 00:05:40,915 I'm in the kind of relationship I wanna be. 140 00:05:41,025 --> 00:05:42,235 Wait, I thought this would be easy. 141 00:05:42,395 --> 00:05:43,515 I thought my life would be easier 142 00:05:43,515 --> 00:05:44,915 because I figured this out about myself. 143 00:05:44,915 --> 00:05:45,835 Mm-Hmm. . And of course it's not true, 144 00:05:45,975 --> 00:05:47,275 but sometimes we need the reminder. 145 00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:51,235 And then this one's also for people like us 146 00:05:51,255 --> 00:05:54,075 who are maybe in longer term power exchange relationships 147 00:05:54,075 --> 00:05:56,355 or have been in kink for a while, 148 00:05:57,185 --> 00:06:00,325 and you just wanna get like brutally honest 149 00:06:00,385 --> 00:06:02,085 and a bit vulnerable with one another. 150 00:06:02,085 --> 00:06:04,965 Maybe it's a conversation starter for you 151 00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:07,125 and a partner to like, talk about 152 00:06:07,865 --> 00:06:09,525 the things, whatever the things may be. 153 00:06:09,525 --> 00:06:12,885 Mm-Hmm. . So, um, okay. 154 00:06:13,705 --> 00:06:16,205 I'm gonna, because I talk way too much 155 00:06:16,545 --> 00:06:18,925 and, uh, overpower all conversations 156 00:06:19,395 --> 00:06:20,485 with you, at least with people. 157 00:06:20,585 --> 00:06:21,685 I'm comfortable with . 158 00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:25,045 Uh, you go first, uh, simple 159 00:06:25,105 --> 00:06:26,645 or difficult, whatever, whatever 160 00:06:26,665 --> 00:06:27,665 - You wanna do. 161 00:06:27,665 --> 00:06:29,725 Uh, this is gonna be a combo. Oh, okay. Okay. Right. 162 00:06:30,025 --> 00:06:33,245 Um, you said it earlier, uh, about finding yourself 163 00:06:33,545 --> 00:06:36,805 and understanding, you know, that you have a, a place in, 164 00:06:36,825 --> 00:06:38,005 in the BDSM world. 165 00:06:38,025 --> 00:06:41,735 Mm-Hmm. . Um, once I did that, yeah. 166 00:06:41,815 --> 00:06:44,575 A lot of things became much easier. Mm-Hmm. 167 00:06:44,615 --> 00:06:46,895 , because I, I kind of, you know, at 168 00:06:46,895 --> 00:06:48,095 that point knew who I was. 169 00:06:48,155 --> 00:06:51,575 Mm-Hmm. , um, knew I was not alone in 170 00:06:51,575 --> 00:06:54,815 what I liked because I did realize there was a community out 171 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:57,695 there of people doing all various forms of this thing. 172 00:06:57,695 --> 00:06:58,775 Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . 173 00:06:58,795 --> 00:07:01,815 So, um, you know, it, it, it, 174 00:07:02,035 --> 00:07:03,815 it was nice to figure that out. 175 00:07:04,435 --> 00:07:06,575 And you're right, it did seem easy at that point, 176 00:07:06,875 --> 00:07:10,455 but, uh, did not know about the journey that lay ahead 177 00:07:10,895 --> 00:07:11,895 - . 178 00:07:11,895 --> 00:07:14,135 Oh, you mean it wasn't easy every second thereafter, 179 00:07:14,205 --> 00:07:15,775 once you figured yourself out, it wasn't 180 00:07:15,805 --> 00:07:16,805 - Just easy street. 181 00:07:16,955 --> 00:07:18,735 No, no, no, no, no. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. 182 00:07:18,775 --> 00:07:20,535 so much to learn. Mm-Hmm. 183 00:07:20,575 --> 00:07:24,215 , uh, so much to think about. 184 00:07:24,355 --> 00:07:27,815 So much to, you know, you, you think you've found yourself, 185 00:07:27,955 --> 00:07:29,335 you understand who you are, 186 00:07:29,335 --> 00:07:31,495 but there's so much nuance to that. 187 00:07:31,925 --> 00:07:33,295 - Yeah. Oh yeah, for - Sure. All right. 188 00:07:33,555 --> 00:07:37,335 You know, uh, what kind of pain giving do I like? 189 00:07:37,445 --> 00:07:38,895 What kind of dom am I, you know, 190 00:07:38,895 --> 00:07:40,175 how do I hand, what do I do? 191 00:07:40,235 --> 00:07:41,895 How do, what's this, what's that? 192 00:07:42,635 --> 00:07:45,055 You know, learning how to throw a flog 193 00:07:45,055 --> 00:07:47,615 or, you know, even the intricacies of, 194 00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:49,055 of hitting someone with a paddle. 195 00:07:49,205 --> 00:07:51,335 Sure. You know, it's not so, you know. Yeah. 196 00:07:51,475 --> 00:07:55,055 It, it, it, it seemed like when I discovered who I was 197 00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:58,095 and what I, you know, where I kind of 198 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:01,015 fell into the community, you know, 199 00:08:01,045 --> 00:08:02,295 that just kind of clicked. 200 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,135 Mm-Hmm. . But, uh, yeah. 201 00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:07,895 After that, oh, the work. Oh, the work that comes with that. 202 00:08:08,245 --> 00:08:10,095 - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It, uh, 203 00:08:10,095 --> 00:08:11,335 it's not like you just figure it out 204 00:08:11,335 --> 00:08:12,895 and go, okay, I'm done now. No, 205 00:08:13,155 --> 00:08:14,155 - No, no, - No, no. 206 00:08:14,155 --> 00:08:15,375 You're just getting started at that point. 207 00:08:15,775 --> 00:08:20,655 - . And, and, you know, I, I mean, I was kinky 208 00:08:21,285 --> 00:08:22,415 back when I was in my twenties. 209 00:08:22,475 --> 00:08:24,335 Mm-Hmm. . I, I knew I was kinky then. 210 00:08:24,455 --> 00:08:29,215 I did kinky shit , um, you know, 211 00:08:29,215 --> 00:08:30,655 didn't know there was a community 212 00:08:30,715 --> 00:08:35,135 and, you know, been doing this now community, you know, 213 00:08:35,275 --> 00:08:39,815 in knowing the community since the, uh, mid 90 ish. 214 00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:44,135 And, uh, still here I am learning more 215 00:08:44,235 --> 00:08:46,775 and finding out more about myself. 216 00:08:48,475 --> 00:08:51,335 - Was there anything that you've learned, 217 00:08:51,335 --> 00:08:54,535 whether it's techniques or skills or kinks 218 00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,085 or whatever, were there any 219 00:08:56,155 --> 00:08:58,445 that felt like they came to you easily? 220 00:08:58,745 --> 00:08:59,765 And were there any 221 00:09:00,035 --> 00:09:02,765 that were just really hard for you to learn? 222 00:09:03,465 --> 00:09:08,095 - Um, oof. Some things came easily. 223 00:09:08,475 --> 00:09:12,815 Um, the spanking aspect of it. Mm-Hmm. . Okay. 224 00:09:12,815 --> 00:09:15,855 That came really easy. Excuse me. 225 00:09:15,995 --> 00:09:20,835 Um, no big surprise. I'm, I like impact play. 226 00:09:20,855 --> 00:09:23,115 Mm-Hmm. , you know, um, it, 227 00:09:23,175 --> 00:09:26,195 it took me a little bit to, um, get used 228 00:09:26,195 --> 00:09:27,715 to using a vlogger Mm-Hmm. 229 00:09:27,755 --> 00:09:30,635 . That, that was something I, uh, had 230 00:09:30,635 --> 00:09:32,755 to work at and still do. 231 00:09:32,915 --> 00:09:35,675 I don't practice as much as I, yeah. 232 00:09:35,785 --> 00:09:37,435 Like, do you know, there was a time I, 233 00:09:37,875 --> 00:09:39,315 I used a vlogger quite a bit 234 00:09:39,375 --> 00:09:41,875 and, you know, they say it's like a riding a bicycle, 235 00:09:42,335 --> 00:09:44,595 you know, just gotta get your feet back onto you 236 00:09:44,595 --> 00:09:46,715 and you know, you're good to go again. 237 00:09:46,735 --> 00:09:48,915 But it's, it's been a hot minute. And 238 00:09:48,915 --> 00:09:50,075 - I, yeah, maybe that's true. 239 00:09:50,395 --> 00:09:52,275 I, and maybe that's true for most people. 240 00:09:52,275 --> 00:09:55,835 Maybe that that is a true feeling for you. 241 00:09:55,835 --> 00:09:57,075 But from observation, 242 00:09:57,275 --> 00:09:58,635 I can always tell when it's been a while 243 00:09:58,635 --> 00:09:59,675 since you picked up a blogger. 244 00:09:59,675 --> 00:10:02,435 Yeah. Because even the, the simple stuff. Yeah. 245 00:10:02,495 --> 00:10:03,875 You, you're right in there. Mm-Hmm. . 246 00:10:03,895 --> 00:10:04,915 It might take you a minute to get 247 00:10:04,915 --> 00:10:05,955 your bearings, but then you're right in there. 248 00:10:06,095 --> 00:10:10,355 But when you try sometimes to do things that we did maybe 249 00:10:10,885 --> 00:10:14,835 early days of our kink life, I can feel it 250 00:10:14,835 --> 00:10:17,635 and I can feel when you're out of that rhythm, 251 00:10:17,735 --> 00:10:19,355 and then the moment you hit that rhythm, 252 00:10:19,495 --> 00:10:20,715 I'm like, okay, there he is. 253 00:10:21,025 --> 00:10:23,235 Yeah. And depending on what it is, 254 00:10:23,465 --> 00:10:24,995 that takes sometimes a little bit 255 00:10:24,995 --> 00:10:26,075 of time to get back into it. 256 00:10:26,075 --> 00:10:29,075 Sometimes it takes a lot of time. Mm-Hmm. . 257 00:10:30,215 --> 00:10:33,915 Mm-Hmm. . Um, so since you started there, 258 00:10:34,055 --> 00:10:35,475 we started at the beginning. 259 00:10:35,665 --> 00:10:39,635 I'll start at the beginning as well. , um, easy. 260 00:10:40,775 --> 00:10:45,195 And I always feel a little like outta touch with other, um, 261 00:10:45,375 --> 00:10:47,395 female sicknesses when I say this, 262 00:10:47,395 --> 00:10:52,355 because a lot of people I've met had to deal with 263 00:10:52,875 --> 00:10:54,195 feelings that I just didn't. 264 00:10:54,375 --> 00:10:59,115 And it's easy. It was easy to accept that I amive Okay. 265 00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:01,755 Once I figured out that that was a thing. Mm-Hmm. 266 00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:04,195 , um, like I didn't know I was kinky. 267 00:11:04,255 --> 00:11:06,355 And then I started reading Kinky things, 268 00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:08,795 and then I went, oh, well maybe I'm kinky . 269 00:11:08,985 --> 00:11:10,275 - Okay. - And, 270 00:11:10,615 --> 00:11:12,115 and I was drawn 271 00:11:12,175 --> 00:11:15,155 to everything I read about submission at the time. 272 00:11:15,355 --> 00:11:18,435 I ended up, I don't know how I managed to do this. 273 00:11:18,475 --> 00:11:19,515 I ended up mostly reading 274 00:11:19,515 --> 00:11:21,795 and seeing things that spoke to me. 275 00:11:22,225 --> 00:11:23,875 Like I didn't see anything that I went, 276 00:11:24,195 --> 00:11:25,315 Ew, no, that's not for me. 277 00:11:25,315 --> 00:11:27,075 Mm-Hmm. . I was like, oh, yeah, that, that, 278 00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:28,275 that fantasy sounds great. 279 00:11:28,275 --> 00:11:29,515 And that, and I don't, maybe it was 280 00:11:29,515 --> 00:11:31,115 because it all felt like a fantasy to me. 281 00:11:31,175 --> 00:11:34,435 And I can suspend disbelief in a, in a lot of ways. 282 00:11:35,055 --> 00:11:36,755 See the shit I read I can. 283 00:11:37,335 --> 00:11:39,835 Um, so what I was drawn to all of it, 284 00:11:39,935 --> 00:11:42,955 and once I sort of figured out what 285 00:11:43,725 --> 00:11:45,435 being submissive could mean Mm-Hmm. 286 00:11:45,475 --> 00:11:46,555 . And at the time I thought that 287 00:11:46,555 --> 00:11:47,995 what I had learned was the definition. 288 00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:49,795 I know better now. It's much more nuanced. 289 00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,675 Uh, that was the easiest thing to accept about myself. 290 00:11:52,675 --> 00:11:54,710 Like I've said this many times over the years, 291 00:11:54,745 --> 00:11:57,085 it felt like a puzzle piece clicking into place. 292 00:11:57,925 --> 00:12:00,725 I didn't, I don't remember really dealing with a lot of, 293 00:12:00,725 --> 00:12:05,405 like, shame about, you know, misogyny and patriarchy 294 00:12:05,545 --> 00:12:07,045 and what does this mean for me as a woman, 295 00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:08,845 and does this mean I'm not a feminist? 296 00:12:08,845 --> 00:12:12,005 Like, at that, none of that really was a thing 297 00:12:12,035 --> 00:12:13,645 that I focused on. 298 00:12:13,965 --> 00:12:17,165 I went, whew. Okay. I'm submissive. 299 00:12:17,185 --> 00:12:20,645 And that explains a lot, a lot, a lot about 300 00:12:20,645 --> 00:12:23,085 how I have lived my life up to now. 301 00:12:23,435 --> 00:12:26,285 Okay. That, like, that was just so, 302 00:12:26,285 --> 00:12:29,245 I don't always relate when, when people talk about the angst 303 00:12:29,245 --> 00:12:31,405 that they went through and the shame that they Mm. 304 00:12:31,405 --> 00:12:32,685 Like, I didn't have any of that. 305 00:12:33,465 --> 00:12:36,845 The hard, the difficult thing was accepting my, 306 00:12:36,845 --> 00:12:38,285 what I call my baby girl side. 307 00:12:38,355 --> 00:12:39,605 Like I, huh. 308 00:12:39,755 --> 00:12:43,765 That part of me, I've always defined it as being a, 309 00:12:44,225 --> 00:12:45,605 in the realm of being a little, 310 00:12:45,605 --> 00:12:48,725 without being like a classic little Mm-Hmm. 311 00:12:48,765 --> 00:12:51,365 . And that was very hard to accept. 312 00:12:51,425 --> 00:12:53,685 Uh, back when I was blogging, I blogged a lot 313 00:12:53,685 --> 00:12:57,125 of fantasy fiction stuff about it to sort of, I think, 314 00:12:57,515 --> 00:13:01,125 test out how I felt, what it might be like. But I didn't 315 00:13:01,125 --> 00:13:02,325 - Kind of dip your toes in the water, so 316 00:13:02,325 --> 00:13:03,325 - To speak. 317 00:13:03,325 --> 00:13:05,605 Right. I kept sort of denying, no, I'm not like, 318 00:13:05,605 --> 00:13:07,845 you called me a baby girl, girl and that fit. 319 00:13:07,845 --> 00:13:09,885 And I was like, yes, I'm mm-Hmm. . 320 00:13:10,065 --> 00:13:12,285 But when I thought about what that meant for me 321 00:13:12,465 --> 00:13:15,605 and what that was harder to accept Mm-Hmm. 322 00:13:15,645 --> 00:13:18,925 . And I didn't, I don't know if I felt any 323 00:13:18,925 --> 00:13:22,325 sense of shame over it, but I ha I, I think it's 324 00:13:22,325 --> 00:13:24,965 because my baby girl side is my most vulnerable side. 325 00:13:25,185 --> 00:13:27,965 It is the side of me that is playful. Mm-Hmm. . 326 00:13:28,105 --> 00:13:31,485 And the side of me that will show my emotions 327 00:13:32,015 --> 00:13:33,725 other than anger or will. 328 00:13:33,755 --> 00:13:36,965 Yeah. I wear, you know, the, my, the softer side of me, the, 329 00:13:36,985 --> 00:13:39,165 the side of me that cries and pouts the side of me 330 00:13:39,165 --> 00:13:40,165 that giggles and plays. 331 00:13:40,585 --> 00:13:44,245 That's, that's my squishy tender 332 00:13:45,045 --> 00:13:46,245 internal gut self. 333 00:13:46,825 --> 00:13:51,245 Um, and that was, that was very hard to come to terms 334 00:13:51,355 --> 00:13:52,645 with and accept for myself. 335 00:13:53,305 --> 00:13:57,045 You know, it took me in as I was figuring out I was kinky. 336 00:13:57,065 --> 00:13:59,525 It was like a rapid, like domino effect. Okay. 337 00:13:59,525 --> 00:14:00,765 I'm into this, I'm into this. Mm-Hmm. . 338 00:14:00,765 --> 00:14:03,205 I'm like that. And I just all sort of fell. 339 00:14:03,205 --> 00:14:05,045 And so when I say it took a long time, I mean 340 00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:07,805 that comparatively like within like a week 341 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:08,925 or two of understanding 342 00:14:08,925 --> 00:14:11,045 that submission was a thing and you could do it. 343 00:14:11,045 --> 00:14:13,205 Right. I was like, yep, that's me. That's easy. Got it. 344 00:14:13,205 --> 00:14:15,565 Got it. Got it. And then it was like, oh, do I like pain? 345 00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:18,045 Why? I think I do. Oh, do I like kinky sex? 346 00:14:18,045 --> 00:14:19,725 Definitely rough sex. Sure. Mm-Hmm. 347 00:14:19,765 --> 00:14:21,685 , this sounds hot and that sounds hot. Great. 348 00:14:21,685 --> 00:14:23,205 And it was, it was a domino effect. 349 00:14:23,225 --> 00:14:26,485 And then we got to baby girl and it just stopped. 350 00:14:26,545 --> 00:14:30,085 And it was like, it was weeks. It wasn't like forever. 351 00:14:30,465 --> 00:14:33,125 Mm-Hmm. . But it was, it, it was a while 352 00:14:33,265 --> 00:14:35,605 before I accepted that side of myself. 353 00:14:36,305 --> 00:14:40,285 Um, and these days, the way that translates is I accept all 354 00:14:40,285 --> 00:14:42,405 of that about myself, but the part of me, 355 00:14:42,995 --> 00:14:46,605 most people are unlikely to ever see it outside 356 00:14:46,605 --> 00:14:49,485 of certain spaces, is the baby girl side that Mm-Hmm. 357 00:14:49,785 --> 00:14:51,725 Now I got trust issues. You don't get 358 00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:53,285 to see my soft underbelly that easily. 359 00:14:53,355 --> 00:14:55,005 Nope. Nope, nope. Nope. Mm-Hmm 360 00:14:55,105 --> 00:14:56,105 - Mm-Hmm. 361 00:14:56,105 --> 00:14:57,045 You're not, you're not like Lola. 362 00:14:57,045 --> 00:14:58,365 You're gonna roll over and ask for belly 363 00:14:58,515 --> 00:14:59,515 - Rubs. 364 00:14:59,515 --> 00:15:01,485 I mean, if I do for somebody other than you, 365 00:15:01,795 --> 00:15:05,045 then the vibe is clearly perfectly correct. , 366 00:15:05,365 --> 00:15:08,405 - - And I, I haven't, I haven't come across 367 00:15:08,435 --> 00:15:12,885 that perfectly correct vibe ever, but yeah. 368 00:15:13,075 --> 00:15:15,165 Yeah. No, yeah. 369 00:15:15,465 --> 00:15:19,125 To, for me to be that way to somebody. Mm-Hmm. 370 00:15:19,165 --> 00:15:21,005 that's a trust thing. So Yeah. Okay. 371 00:15:21,005 --> 00:15:24,245 That one's still difficult. Okay. You go next. 372 00:15:24,475 --> 00:15:28,365 - Okay. Um, I would've to say even 373 00:15:28,485 --> 00:15:31,965 after all this time, it's something I still have to 374 00:15:32,875 --> 00:15:35,325 make a conscious effort to work at. 375 00:15:35,385 --> 00:15:37,925 Mm-Hmm. is communication. 376 00:15:38,425 --> 00:15:41,645 - Mm. - Yeah. In, in some, some aspects. . Yes. 377 00:15:41,645 --> 00:15:45,205 Um, we, we have very clear communication on many things. 378 00:15:45,305 --> 00:15:47,685 Mm-Hmm. . And then there are things 379 00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:49,365 that I tend to hold back on. 380 00:15:49,645 --> 00:15:52,605 - I know as the one who has to yank them out of you. 381 00:15:52,845 --> 00:15:53,885 . Like, there's no, I don't 382 00:15:53,985 --> 00:15:55,805 gently pull them out of 'em. I have to piss 383 00:15:55,805 --> 00:15:57,365 - Them off, is what I have to do. It's pulling teeth. 384 00:15:57,555 --> 00:16:00,325 - Yeah. Yeah. I have to, I I have learned I have 385 00:16:00,325 --> 00:16:02,925 to wait you out and then it either has to get so bad 386 00:16:02,925 --> 00:16:05,925 that you just can't stand it, or I have to get so annoying. 387 00:16:05,925 --> 00:16:07,325 Mm. That you just can't stand it. Yeah. 388 00:16:07,325 --> 00:16:08,805 Either way, there's something he can't stand 389 00:16:08,945 --> 00:16:09,965 and I can get him to talk. 390 00:16:09,965 --> 00:16:11,085 - Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . 391 00:16:11,245 --> 00:16:13,445 I mean, it, it's weird in a sense 392 00:16:13,445 --> 00:16:17,165 because I am more vulnerable, vulnerable 393 00:16:17,955 --> 00:16:19,125 with you Mm-Hmm. 394 00:16:19,585 --> 00:16:23,365 And open about things with you than anybody Sure. 395 00:16:23,435 --> 00:16:25,925 Than I've been in my entire life. Right. Absolutely. 396 00:16:25,925 --> 00:16:28,645 I agree. And, and yet there are still things that I, i, 397 00:16:28,805 --> 00:16:30,285 I struggle with in that because 398 00:16:30,365 --> 00:16:31,365 - Trauma's a bitch. 399 00:16:31,435 --> 00:16:33,045 Okay. . . I'm 400 00:16:33,045 --> 00:16:34,685 - Just, yeah. I mean, it's, 401 00:16:35,185 --> 00:16:39,085 - It cracks me up in, in a way that's sort of that confused, 402 00:16:39,175 --> 00:16:41,725 crack up, like confused humor of what the fuck 403 00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:44,925 that there are times you'll say, oh, 404 00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:47,645 I thought you would see me differently. 405 00:16:48,045 --> 00:16:50,165 I thought you would not like to know that. Mm-Hmm. 406 00:16:50,205 --> 00:16:52,285 . I, and I'm like, who are you 407 00:16:52,285 --> 00:16:53,365 fucking talking to? 408 00:16:54,125 --> 00:16:57,405 I have accepted every side of you that you've ever shown. 409 00:16:57,585 --> 00:17:00,285 Why do you think this one little sliver is the thing that, 410 00:17:00,285 --> 00:17:01,965 that would be what would stop me? 411 00:17:02,285 --> 00:17:05,325 . But trauma's a bitch. That's what it's so Yeah. 412 00:17:05,355 --> 00:17:08,805 Like, yeah. You, okay? So apparently I'm just copying you. 413 00:17:08,825 --> 00:17:10,125 I'm trying to think. Mm-Hmm. . Is there 414 00:17:10,285 --> 00:17:14,285 anything Communication has not been easy 415 00:17:14,285 --> 00:17:15,405 because of trust issues. 416 00:17:15,545 --> 00:17:20,445 Mm-Hmm. . And yet, because I feel safe with you 417 00:17:20,865 --> 00:17:23,205 and I feel like I can kind of tell you anything 418 00:17:23,785 --> 00:17:26,805 it has become like, it is simple. 419 00:17:27,195 --> 00:17:28,885 When I'm ready to communicate. 420 00:17:29,305 --> 00:17:30,445 - Oh yeah. You're 421 00:17:30,445 --> 00:17:31,605 - Gonna know what I have to say. 422 00:17:31,755 --> 00:17:33,285 It's the getting ready to, 423 00:17:33,555 --> 00:17:35,765 it's the feeling comfortable enough with you. 424 00:17:36,445 --> 00:17:38,565 I pretty sure there are times you wish I'd shut up. 425 00:17:38,705 --> 00:17:41,365 Uh, 'cause when I hold back, it's not 426 00:17:41,365 --> 00:17:43,005 because I worry it's very rarely 427 00:17:43,005 --> 00:17:44,685 because I worry you won't like what I have to say. 428 00:17:44,825 --> 00:17:46,005 Mm-Hmm. . Or it's because I know 429 00:17:46,005 --> 00:17:47,565 that you won't, like what I have to say , 430 00:17:47,565 --> 00:17:48,805 and I just don't want the conflict, 431 00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:53,645 but in the act of just telling you what the fuck I think, 432 00:17:53,945 --> 00:17:55,245 or what I need or what Mm-Hmm. 433 00:17:55,285 --> 00:17:58,645 what I'm feeling that has 434 00:17:59,385 --> 00:18:01,165 become easier over time. 435 00:18:01,825 --> 00:18:03,565 But on some levels was always easy 436 00:18:03,565 --> 00:18:05,845 because clear communication 437 00:18:05,865 --> 00:18:08,125 and making sure that I am understood 438 00:18:08,345 --> 00:18:09,845 and that I understand you. 439 00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,445 I mean, that's not a kink, 440 00:18:12,465 --> 00:18:14,005 but it's kind of like, it's my thing. 441 00:18:14,115 --> 00:18:17,725 Like it's the thing that makes me feel the best. 442 00:18:18,155 --> 00:18:22,765 It's, I often find it challenging to figure out 443 00:18:22,765 --> 00:18:24,565 how I want to express myself, 444 00:18:25,265 --> 00:18:28,685 but the freedom to express myself. 445 00:18:28,685 --> 00:18:31,485 Mm-Hmm. has become very simple. 446 00:18:32,035 --> 00:18:35,445 Like, I can't, I forget that there are 447 00:18:36,505 --> 00:18:38,005 people in my life sometimes 448 00:18:38,005 --> 00:18:40,285 that I would never be that open with. 449 00:18:40,425 --> 00:18:42,125 And it's, and I forget it because you 450 00:18:42,125 --> 00:18:43,245 and I spend so much time together, 451 00:18:43,505 --> 00:18:45,445 and I'm reminded when I'm with those people 452 00:18:45,445 --> 00:18:47,765 and I'm like, I have no desire to tell them anything. 453 00:18:47,965 --> 00:18:51,125 I don't, I don't know what that facial expression means. 454 00:18:51,285 --> 00:18:53,605 I don't know what that tone means. I don't know their moods. 455 00:18:53,645 --> 00:18:55,565 I don't know their this and yet Mm-Hmm. . 456 00:18:55,805 --> 00:18:58,925 I always have an overwhelming desire to make sure 457 00:18:58,925 --> 00:19:01,325 that I am understood to the point 458 00:19:01,325 --> 00:19:03,565 that I'm definitely an over explainer. 459 00:19:03,565 --> 00:19:06,605 Yeah. It's why writing has, is a love of mine. 460 00:19:06,785 --> 00:19:10,405 But it's difficult because I don't know how to be concise. 461 00:19:10,475 --> 00:19:12,125 Brevity is not my thing. Right? Mm-Hmm. . 462 00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:14,805 Mm-Hmm. . So it's not, 463 00:19:14,925 --> 00:19:16,725 I don't even know if simple or, or difficult 464 00:19:16,745 --> 00:19:18,285 or is the right term for it. 465 00:19:18,285 --> 00:19:19,485 It is freeing. 466 00:19:20,825 --> 00:19:25,125 And I feel free to say to you what I need to say to you. 467 00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:27,445 Gotcha. And I am 468 00:19:28,965 --> 00:19:31,485 probably the only time I'm happier than when I get 469 00:19:31,485 --> 00:19:33,365 to clearly communicate what I'm thinking. 470 00:19:33,365 --> 00:19:34,805 And, and we have that give and take. Mm-Hmm. 471 00:19:34,805 --> 00:19:37,085 The only time I'm happier, I think is like when we're like 472 00:19:37,085 --> 00:19:38,325 doing actual kink play, 473 00:19:38,515 --> 00:19:41,085 because that then is a physical expression 474 00:19:41,085 --> 00:19:42,725 of a communication of a give and take. 475 00:19:42,725 --> 00:19:45,005 Yeah. Where I love the verbal give and take. 476 00:19:45,005 --> 00:19:48,405 Like, you tell me all of your thoughts, dreams, hopes, 477 00:19:48,455 --> 00:19:50,125 fears, let's get into it. 478 00:19:50,585 --> 00:19:52,445 Can I do that with a complete and total stranger? 479 00:19:52,715 --> 00:19:53,845 Only if the vibe is right. 480 00:19:53,945 --> 00:19:56,245 And most of the time the vibe is not right. So yeah. 481 00:19:56,275 --> 00:19:59,125 It's, it's a weird kind of easy and comp 482 00:19:59,265 --> 00:20:00,285 and difficult, but Yeah. 483 00:20:00,285 --> 00:20:01,605 Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. Hmm. 484 00:20:01,705 --> 00:20:04,045 - Mm-Hmm. - Go. You go next. 485 00:20:04,305 --> 00:20:06,805 - All right. Um, one things that's easy, 486 00:20:07,175 --> 00:20:08,485 let's call it an easy thing. 487 00:20:09,785 --> 00:20:13,445 Um, I, I think what, what I find easy, 488 00:20:14,225 --> 00:20:15,685 and I'm grateful for this 489 00:20:15,685 --> 00:20:17,525 because this is more of a kudo for you. 490 00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:22,475 Um, you know, I don't have to te 491 00:20:22,775 --> 00:20:25,435 to chase after you to do your 492 00:20:26,165 --> 00:20:28,195 tasks or anything like that. 493 00:20:28,205 --> 00:20:30,955 Jesus. God, no. You, you are, that's a bad day to do. 494 00:20:31,015 --> 00:20:34,755 Are you are, you are wonderful about doing everything. 495 00:20:34,815 --> 00:20:36,915 And that's something I don't even have to really 496 00:20:37,995 --> 00:20:39,195 - Actually get offended when you have 497 00:20:39,195 --> 00:20:40,835 to feel like you have to ask and check out. 498 00:20:40,835 --> 00:20:43,235 Like, who do you think you're talking to? . Yeah. 499 00:20:44,215 --> 00:20:48,285 - And, and you know, for the, for the most part. Yeah. 500 00:20:48,405 --> 00:20:50,325 I, I don't have to have that, that push 501 00:20:50,325 --> 00:20:52,165 and pull struggle with you to do things. 502 00:20:53,145 --> 00:20:57,965 And yet, on the other hand too, we do have our moments 503 00:20:58,055 --> 00:21:00,685 where, you know, the, the, 504 00:21:00,685 --> 00:21:02,645 the sass is strong in this one. Look, 505 00:21:03,025 --> 00:21:04,405 - The shit will get done, but I might have 506 00:21:04,405 --> 00:21:05,765 an attitude while I'm doing it. 507 00:21:06,005 --> 00:21:07,325 is all I'm saying . 508 00:21:10,585 --> 00:21:14,045 - So, you know, I, I am, I am very grateful. 509 00:21:14,385 --> 00:21:19,165 And, and that is, um, an easy aspect. Mm-Hmm. 510 00:21:19,205 --> 00:21:20,605 of, of who we are 511 00:21:20,625 --> 00:21:22,445 and where we are. Mm-Hmm. , 512 00:21:23,185 --> 00:21:24,285 - You know, it's funny. 513 00:21:24,845 --> 00:21:27,885 I, the good, the, the desire 514 00:21:27,945 --> 00:21:30,125 to be the good girl is very strong. 515 00:21:30,505 --> 00:21:31,805 Um, Mm-Hmm. , the desire 516 00:21:31,825 --> 00:21:33,005 for approval is very strong. 517 00:21:33,105 --> 00:21:36,205 And I think there's some room there to like really dissect 518 00:21:36,205 --> 00:21:38,925 that and go, , I don't want to my life. 519 00:21:39,025 --> 00:21:41,205 I'm happy with my life. I could, I don't want to. 520 00:21:41,825 --> 00:21:44,885 Um, so I recognize that I'm approval seeking. 521 00:21:45,325 --> 00:21:47,285 I seek validation. I like that too. Yeah. 522 00:21:47,585 --> 00:21:51,765 Um, also, uh, is it the way I was raised? Is it the trauma? 523 00:21:51,905 --> 00:21:53,725 Is it the generational thing? I don't know. 524 00:21:53,725 --> 00:21:55,325 But my work ethic is strong. Mm-Hmm. . 525 00:21:55,325 --> 00:21:56,645 If I agree to do the thing 526 00:21:57,145 --> 00:21:59,485 and I'm on board with doing the thing, 527 00:21:59,825 --> 00:22:00,825 - You're gonna do it. 528 00:22:00,825 --> 00:22:03,605 - I'm gonna do the thing. I'm dragging ass to get it done. 529 00:22:03,805 --> 00:22:06,685 I am pissed about everything I've still have to do, 530 00:22:06,745 --> 00:22:07,805 but I will get it done. 531 00:22:08,585 --> 00:22:13,565 Um, but then there's, when I have the mental space 532 00:22:13,705 --> 00:22:17,485 to remember why I do anything I do, there is that sort 533 00:22:17,485 --> 00:22:20,805 of softer place of I do this 534 00:22:20,805 --> 00:22:22,325 because he tells me to, I do this 535 00:22:22,325 --> 00:22:23,605 because this is the power exchange. 536 00:22:23,725 --> 00:22:24,885 I do this 'cause it makes him happy. 537 00:22:25,045 --> 00:22:28,725 I do, like, I don't actually sit, spend a lot of time in 538 00:22:28,725 --> 00:22:29,805 that part of the head space. 539 00:22:29,865 --> 00:22:31,205 Mm-Hmm. . Because so much 540 00:22:31,205 --> 00:22:32,565 of it is rote and routine. 541 00:22:32,625 --> 00:22:35,365 And I'm also very routine oriented and crave routine. 542 00:22:35,425 --> 00:22:37,685 I'm, right now life is blown up 543 00:22:37,705 --> 00:22:39,485 and I'm like completely on edge. 544 00:22:39,485 --> 00:22:41,605 Yes. And frankly, the routine 545 00:22:41,745 --> 00:22:44,765 of here are the expectations you have for me. 546 00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:48,085 It, it actually makes things a little bit easier. 547 00:22:48,235 --> 00:22:49,765 It's like, this is my constant. 548 00:22:49,765 --> 00:22:51,645 This is the thing I know I need 549 00:22:51,645 --> 00:22:52,965 to do, and I know why I do it. 550 00:22:52,965 --> 00:22:54,165 Mm-Hmm. . And I know he wants me to do it. 551 00:22:54,385 --> 00:22:56,445 And, and this is not changing 552 00:22:57,055 --> 00:22:59,005 while everything else around me is. 553 00:22:59,075 --> 00:23:01,725 Yeah. And so it's actually a, that makes, 554 00:23:02,115 --> 00:23:03,165 does it make life easier? 555 00:23:03,385 --> 00:23:06,205 But it, it helps me kind of stay sort of steady. 556 00:23:06,725 --> 00:23:10,325 'cause I can count on that. Um, not gonna lie, 557 00:23:10,565 --> 00:23:12,565 I don't spend a lot of time thinking about my why. 558 00:23:13,325 --> 00:23:15,725 'cause I just, there's so much Mm-Hmm. . 559 00:23:15,945 --> 00:23:18,125 But when I can, yeah. 560 00:23:18,125 --> 00:23:20,445 It's a nice little soft, comfy feeling. Okay. 561 00:23:21,405 --> 00:23:23,565 Speaking of stuff I do 562 00:23:23,825 --> 00:23:26,685 and the actual power exchange on, on that level, 563 00:23:26,835 --> 00:23:27,925 I'll tell you a hard thing. 564 00:23:28,445 --> 00:23:29,445 I have several hard things. I don't know if 565 00:23:29,445 --> 00:23:30,485 I'll remember them all, but I have several. 566 00:23:31,505 --> 00:23:35,885 One is when I have to ask 567 00:23:35,885 --> 00:23:37,285 for help, I'm getting better. 568 00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:40,325 - You are. You - Are. But I struggle with it. Mm-Hmm. 569 00:23:40,365 --> 00:23:42,725 part of it is we go back to, is it the trauma? 570 00:23:42,865 --> 00:23:45,085 Is it generational? Is it whatever? Mm-Hmm. 571 00:23:45,165 --> 00:23:46,885 where I just do the damn. 572 00:23:47,065 --> 00:23:48,485 Is it, you know, I just do the damn 573 00:23:48,485 --> 00:23:49,525 thing and I don't ask for help. 574 00:23:49,545 --> 00:23:51,085 We just, I just get it done. Yeah. 575 00:23:51,465 --> 00:23:55,485 Um, also, I think sometimes 576 00:23:56,005 --> 00:23:59,045 I still have that thing of, well, I'm, I'm the service sub. 577 00:23:59,145 --> 00:24:00,405 I'm supposed to do these things, 578 00:24:00,745 --> 00:24:03,085 and if I'm asking for help to get them done, then 579 00:24:03,085 --> 00:24:04,245 how am I serving? 580 00:24:04,655 --> 00:24:06,085 Right? Like, I, I have that. 581 00:24:06,905 --> 00:24:10,435 Um, and I try to be very judicious with, when I ask 582 00:24:10,435 --> 00:24:11,475 for your help, because I, 583 00:24:12,145 --> 00:24:14,475 this I'm sure is related to childhood trauma. 584 00:24:14,955 --> 00:24:19,155 I do not want to come across as, um, 585 00:24:19,775 --> 00:24:24,275 not pulling my weight, not doing enough, not, 586 00:24:24,975 --> 00:24:27,075 you know, leaning on you too much. 587 00:24:27,455 --> 00:24:31,875 Now do I know intellectually I can lean on you as hard 588 00:24:31,875 --> 00:24:34,475 as I need to because we're real good at going. 589 00:24:34,505 --> 00:24:35,675 Okay. I'll take it. I'll take it. 590 00:24:35,695 --> 00:24:37,475 Hey, I can't, you, you can't lean quite this hard. 591 00:24:37,515 --> 00:24:41,195 I can't, we're we're good about holding those boundaries. 592 00:24:41,935 --> 00:24:45,315 Um, but, 593 00:24:47,255 --> 00:24:50,235 um, I'm stopping what I'm saying 594 00:24:50,235 --> 00:24:53,715 because, uh, 595 00:24:55,975 --> 00:24:58,485 everything has stopped. 596 00:24:58,945 --> 00:25:00,605 Yes. Okay. Podcast listeners. 597 00:25:00,605 --> 00:25:02,285 Something has gone wrong with the live stream, 598 00:25:02,305 --> 00:25:05,685 so I'm gonna fill dead space while 599 00:25:06,985 --> 00:25:08,565 JB figures it out. 600 00:25:10,425 --> 00:25:12,685 Um, let's see what happens. 601 00:25:14,115 --> 00:25:18,885 Says we are live streaming. I don't know what's happening. 602 00:25:20,385 --> 00:25:23,725 Um, we are 603 00:25:25,105 --> 00:25:29,225 trying to figure it out. 604 00:25:31,165 --> 00:25:32,665 Um, thank you for your patience. 605 00:25:32,665 --> 00:25:33,745 You gotta love, uh, 606 00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:39,445 you gotta love these technical glitches, right? 607 00:25:40,075 --> 00:25:43,325 Yeah. It says, let's see, it says we're still there. 608 00:25:45,065 --> 00:25:49,265 Um, I don't know what's happening. Okay. 609 00:25:49,665 --> 00:25:54,265 I think we might be back. All right. Okay. Okay. 610 00:25:54,365 --> 00:25:57,865 And of course, I lost my train of thought. 611 00:25:58,045 --> 00:26:01,265 Now , and I don't know 612 00:26:01,455 --> 00:26:03,905 what the last thing was the livestream folks heard, 613 00:26:03,925 --> 00:26:07,265 but I will say, if there, if this doesn't make sense, 614 00:26:07,325 --> 00:26:08,945 you should check out the podcast on Friday. 615 00:26:09,425 --> 00:26:11,345 about minute, I don't know, 616 00:26:11,445 --> 00:26:13,545 20, 25, somewhere in there. 617 00:26:14,385 --> 00:26:18,865 . Oh God. I love technical difficulties. Okay. 618 00:26:19,645 --> 00:26:21,865 So the thing I struggle with Mm-Hmm. 619 00:26:21,905 --> 00:26:24,705 is asking for help. Yes. I've gotten better. 620 00:26:25,525 --> 00:26:28,665 You have, I, um, I used to be much, much worse, 621 00:26:28,845 --> 00:26:30,385 but I have all these reasons why it's still 622 00:26:30,385 --> 00:26:31,505 hard for me to ask for help. 623 00:26:33,325 --> 00:26:36,825 And I'm, I don't wanna call it a trust thing 624 00:26:36,825 --> 00:26:38,225 because I do trust you, 625 00:26:39,205 --> 00:26:42,985 but I have so little experience with 626 00:26:43,755 --> 00:26:46,005 receiving help when I ask for it. 627 00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:48,925 Mm. That the thing I don't trust is not you. 628 00:26:49,915 --> 00:26:52,285 It's that I'll ask and it'll be too much, 629 00:26:52,545 --> 00:26:54,525 or it there won't be follow through 630 00:26:54,865 --> 00:26:56,165 or, you know what I mean? 631 00:26:56,345 --> 00:26:58,525 Yes. And it's weird because I trust you 632 00:26:58,545 --> 00:27:00,845 and I don't trust the action 633 00:27:00,865 --> 00:27:04,365 of asking, but I'm getting better. It's not easy. 634 00:27:05,185 --> 00:27:06,925 - Mm-Hmm. You - Are. I'm getting better. 635 00:27:07,085 --> 00:27:08,765 I asked you to do something for me yesterday, 636 00:27:08,785 --> 00:27:09,925 and it was such a weird feeling. 637 00:27:10,045 --> 00:27:13,045 I was like, I know if I just waited like five more minutes, 638 00:27:13,285 --> 00:27:15,325 I could do this thing, but I also have these other things. 639 00:27:15,325 --> 00:27:17,485 And if I just ask him to do this, then it's done. 640 00:27:17,505 --> 00:27:18,805 And I don't have to think about it 641 00:27:18,805 --> 00:27:19,805 - Anymore. 642 00:27:19,805 --> 00:27:21,325 You asked me to do something for you this morning. Right. 643 00:27:22,285 --> 00:27:25,365 - I know I'm getting better. But it is very difficult. 644 00:27:25,565 --> 00:27:27,245 . It is very, very difficult. 645 00:27:28,065 --> 00:27:32,205 Um, another thing that is easier than it used to be. Mm-Hmm. 646 00:27:32,245 --> 00:27:37,165 , but is still difficult, um, is, uh, 647 00:27:38,145 --> 00:27:41,365 having to tell you, I can't do something. 648 00:27:43,065 --> 00:27:46,845 Having to say, um, I know I agreed to do this, 649 00:27:47,785 --> 00:27:49,405 but here's what's going on. 650 00:27:49,745 --> 00:27:52,405 Or Mm-Hmm. , Hey, I know you want to do this. 651 00:27:53,205 --> 00:27:54,285 I don't wanna do that. 652 00:27:54,285 --> 00:27:57,485 Sometimes I find that easy when the conversation is light 653 00:27:57,505 --> 00:27:59,445 and we're, we're kind of bullshitting one another 654 00:27:59,465 --> 00:28:02,605 and we're being sassy, you know, whatever, whatever. 655 00:28:02,605 --> 00:28:04,525 And we're being playful and you'll mention a thing. 656 00:28:04,525 --> 00:28:08,925 And it is very easy for me to go, no, no, not, no, not, 657 00:28:09,585 --> 00:28:11,965 um, but when it's a serious ask, 658 00:28:12,305 --> 00:28:16,605 and I, I'm like, I can't, I have my reasons. 659 00:28:16,705 --> 00:28:18,645 And it's not usually hard limit stuff. 660 00:28:18,665 --> 00:28:22,965 It might be the, it's not in the level of hard limit stuff, 661 00:28:22,985 --> 00:28:26,885 but it's in the level of I know myself and I can't do this. 662 00:28:26,985 --> 00:28:29,645 He wants this and I can't, that is still difficult. 663 00:28:29,845 --> 00:28:34,685 I don't think, based on who I am as a submissive, that 664 00:28:34,845 --> 00:28:36,085 that will ever not be difficult. 665 00:28:36,085 --> 00:28:38,325 Mm-Hmm. . Because I don't wanna disappoint you. 666 00:28:38,485 --> 00:28:41,125 I want you to have everything you want to have. 667 00:28:42,555 --> 00:28:43,805 That is what I want. Mm-Hmm. . 668 00:28:43,865 --> 00:28:48,205 But I am thankfully, uh, self-aware enough 669 00:28:48,225 --> 00:28:51,485 to know when sometimes I can't give the thing. Yeah. 670 00:28:51,985 --> 00:28:53,525 - And see what's funny is that 671 00:28:54,565 --> 00:28:57,525 I have a similar problem with you. 672 00:28:57,875 --> 00:28:59,485 Okay. Asking you for help. 673 00:29:00,025 --> 00:29:01,325 - Oh yeah. I know. You think you 674 00:29:01,325 --> 00:29:02,685 should be able to do it all on your own. Okay. 675 00:29:02,685 --> 00:29:06,645 - Yeah. Yeah. But I, I, I do that out of a sense of 676 00:29:08,145 --> 00:29:09,245 my gosh, look at her. 677 00:29:09,245 --> 00:29:11,285 She's juggling so many plates, doing 678 00:29:11,385 --> 00:29:12,925 so many things already as it is. 679 00:29:14,105 --> 00:29:16,165 How much more can I add onto that ? 680 00:29:17,845 --> 00:29:19,805 - I mean, yeah. 681 00:29:20,675 --> 00:29:24,205 It's hard because there are times if you were to ask me 682 00:29:24,205 --> 00:29:25,805 for something, I feel like my head would explode 683 00:29:26,115 --> 00:29:28,005 because I do still carry 684 00:29:28,725 --> 00:29:29,565 leftover from previous 685 00:29:29,645 --> 00:29:31,365 relationships left over from childhood. 686 00:29:31,565 --> 00:29:33,365 I don't know. But definitely from previous relationships, 687 00:29:34,035 --> 00:29:36,805 that feeling of I, that what I do is not always seen. 688 00:29:37,035 --> 00:29:39,125 That the emotional labor is not seen, 689 00:29:39,225 --> 00:29:40,725 the actual labor is not seen. 690 00:29:40,825 --> 00:29:42,925 Now you Mm-Hmm. . I know that's not true. 691 00:29:44,045 --> 00:29:45,925 I know you see me. Mm-Hmm. . 692 00:29:45,945 --> 00:29:50,165 But I also know that because I do things I'm so used 693 00:29:50,165 --> 00:29:52,045 to doing certain things, I probably make some things just 694 00:29:52,045 --> 00:29:53,085 look easier than they are. 695 00:29:53,205 --> 00:29:54,885 I just get the fuck on with it and just do it. 696 00:29:55,145 --> 00:29:57,205 And so there are times that if you were to ask me 697 00:29:57,205 --> 00:30:00,005 to do something, and it has happened where I've been like, 698 00:30:00,355 --> 00:30:02,005 what the fuck are you even asking for? 699 00:30:02,005 --> 00:30:04,085 Right? Yes. And yet, 700 00:30:04,625 --> 00:30:08,045 and here's how this just makes life not at all easy for you. 701 00:30:08,375 --> 00:30:11,045 There are times that if I figure out, you did not ask me 702 00:30:11,045 --> 00:30:13,165 to do something upset, my feelings are so hurt. 703 00:30:13,165 --> 00:30:16,405 Like, why did you not ask me to do the thing? 704 00:30:16,545 --> 00:30:18,605 That's what I'm here for. Yes. Yes. Yes. 705 00:30:18,625 --> 00:30:20,485 So basically you can't win. Right. 706 00:30:21,085 --> 00:30:25,245 - . Yeah. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. 707 00:30:25,245 --> 00:30:26,325 Right? Yes. Kind of. Yeah. 708 00:30:26,325 --> 00:30:27,845 - Very true. Very true. Yeah. Yeah. 709 00:30:29,165 --> 00:30:32,045 - . - So let's get into like kinky shit. 710 00:30:32,315 --> 00:30:34,725 - Okay. - Something that was easy for me 711 00:30:35,195 --> 00:30:37,125 that maybe at the moment I wasn't, 712 00:30:37,225 --> 00:30:38,405 I'm sure I was a little nervous, 713 00:30:38,795 --> 00:30:41,205 like the don't be scared little girl kind of nervous. 714 00:30:41,705 --> 00:30:45,285 It was very, comparatively, I think 715 00:30:46,515 --> 00:30:50,605 easy to accept being hit, 716 00:30:50,655 --> 00:30:53,045 being tied up, being like, like, 717 00:30:53,415 --> 00:30:55,285 especially feeling physical pain 718 00:30:55,285 --> 00:30:59,125 and letting somebody else administer physical pain. 719 00:30:59,265 --> 00:31:01,005 Mm. I don't remember. 720 00:31:01,305 --> 00:31:03,045 Now, granted, I have the memory of a goldfish. 721 00:31:03,045 --> 00:31:05,885 Thanks, perimenopause. Uh, and Neurodivergency, I'm sure. 722 00:31:05,945 --> 00:31:09,845 But, um, I don't remember like doing a back 723 00:31:09,845 --> 00:31:12,525 and forth with myself over what does this say about me? 724 00:31:12,525 --> 00:31:15,605 Like, maybe I had a like a minute of that. Yeah. 725 00:31:15,825 --> 00:31:17,885 But for me, it was like, this feels fucking good. 726 00:31:18,115 --> 00:31:19,605 I've always liked this . 727 00:31:19,725 --> 00:31:21,725 I can, I can 728 00:31:23,015 --> 00:31:26,525 trace the line from this back to whatever I read 729 00:31:26,625 --> 00:31:28,845 as a way too young to be reading smut kid. 730 00:31:29,545 --> 00:31:33,685 And what I, you know, and the, the fantasies that I had 731 00:31:33,685 --> 00:31:36,445 and the things that I thought about, like, I could tra I, 732 00:31:37,365 --> 00:31:39,485 I don't, I don't know if I could go so far 733 00:31:39,485 --> 00:31:40,925 to say I've always been kinky. 734 00:31:41,085 --> 00:31:43,445 'cause I genuinely don't know. Mm-Hmm. . 735 00:31:43,585 --> 00:31:46,005 But when I think of the things that I used to like daydream 736 00:31:46,005 --> 00:31:48,005 and fantasize about, oh yeah. 737 00:31:48,005 --> 00:31:51,085 There was definitely the, I don't have power. I'm helpless. 738 00:31:51,505 --> 00:31:56,085 Oh no. kind of like, just from like, as a parent, 739 00:31:56,165 --> 00:31:57,645 I would say of like, that's too young. 740 00:31:57,645 --> 00:31:58,845 Like, what are you doing? Thinking of that? 741 00:31:59,025 --> 00:32:03,045 But like, so I guess I was always kinky, maybe. Mm-Hmm. 742 00:32:03,085 --> 00:32:05,525 . So when it came time to like, well, yes, 743 00:32:05,695 --> 00:32:08,565 allow yourself to be hit by another human being 744 00:32:09,025 --> 00:32:10,645 who can overpower you 745 00:32:10,745 --> 00:32:13,085 and could hurt you, like actually hurt you. 746 00:32:13,505 --> 00:32:14,885 For me, the fear was not of, 747 00:32:14,885 --> 00:32:16,405 oh my gosh, I'm gonna allow that to happen. 748 00:32:16,425 --> 00:32:18,965 It was more of the, oh, can I trust this person to do that? 749 00:32:19,065 --> 00:32:22,005 Do that. Like, once I figured out what I was into 750 00:32:22,025 --> 00:32:24,885 and kind of embraced it, I feel like to a certain extent, 751 00:32:24,965 --> 00:32:26,485 I ran headlong into it. 752 00:32:26,595 --> 00:32:29,605 Like, what all can we do? Forest orgasms? 753 00:32:29,605 --> 00:32:32,125 Let's do forest orgasms, edging. Let's do edging. 754 00:32:32,405 --> 00:32:34,805 hit me with a piece of wood. Go for it. 755 00:32:34,945 --> 00:32:36,805 I'm here for it. . 756 00:32:37,625 --> 00:32:41,485 But the difficult part for me is 757 00:32:41,835 --> 00:32:43,885 that I've had to accept 758 00:32:44,835 --> 00:32:46,685 it's less difficult now than it used to be. 759 00:32:46,705 --> 00:32:49,325 And it's, these days it's only difficult when we're in a 760 00:32:49,325 --> 00:32:54,285 moment, I can't always handle as much sensation, pain, 761 00:32:54,525 --> 00:32:57,765 whatever as I want to, as I 762 00:32:57,785 --> 00:33:00,445 and I, we should not should all over ourselves. 763 00:33:00,445 --> 00:33:02,645 Mm-Hmm. . But as I think I should be able to, 764 00:33:03,085 --> 00:33:07,085 whatever the fuck that means, um, as I used to be able to, 765 00:33:07,515 --> 00:33:09,685 like, that can be difficult for me to sort 766 00:33:09,685 --> 00:33:12,285 of go, I, I need it light. 767 00:33:12,445 --> 00:33:14,205 I need it. This is too much. Right? Mm-Hmm. . 768 00:33:14,205 --> 00:33:17,765 Because when I have, when we're in the, in mid scene, 769 00:33:17,765 --> 00:33:20,845 and I have to tell you it's too much that is of, 770 00:33:20,915 --> 00:33:22,125 even though you've never been, 771 00:33:22,125 --> 00:33:24,445 and you've never made me feel this way, my littleness 772 00:33:24,445 --> 00:33:25,965 of brain goes, I'm disappointing him. 773 00:33:26,545 --> 00:33:29,445 And that's difficult. But I have the sense of enough sense 774 00:33:29,445 --> 00:33:32,685 of self preservation that I don't let those feelings 775 00:33:33,085 --> 00:33:36,405 override the, you cannot hit me with this anymore. 776 00:33:36,405 --> 00:33:38,285 This is too much. I have to speak up. Mm-Hmm. . 777 00:33:38,285 --> 00:33:39,605 Mm-Hmm. . I think part of that is 778 00:33:39,605 --> 00:33:41,565 because I know myself well enough to know 779 00:33:41,595 --> 00:33:43,405 that if I let you go too far, 780 00:33:43,405 --> 00:33:46,765 because I was afraid to speak up, I would not be able 781 00:33:46,785 --> 00:33:48,205 to let you do it again. 782 00:33:48,205 --> 00:33:49,805 Because I'd be afraid of the thing 783 00:33:49,875 --> 00:33:51,965 that I didn't stop in the first place. 784 00:33:52,495 --> 00:33:55,685 Right. And that's a, that's a mean understanding who I am 785 00:33:55,685 --> 00:33:56,725 and how I handle things. 786 00:33:57,385 --> 00:34:02,085 So I do, I do find it difficult 787 00:34:02,145 --> 00:34:05,965 to like, embrace the fact that 788 00:34:06,745 --> 00:34:09,165 my ability to handle sensation is on a wide spectrum. 789 00:34:09,185 --> 00:34:11,925 Mm-Hmm. . And that even though I will say it 790 00:34:12,715 --> 00:34:16,685 like with my whole ass chest to somebody else, 791 00:34:16,715 --> 00:34:19,365 that whatever sensation you like is enough, there's no, 792 00:34:19,365 --> 00:34:21,805 like, we're not competing against one another. 793 00:34:21,805 --> 00:34:24,085 There's no level of whatever sensation 794 00:34:24,085 --> 00:34:26,165 that you're quote supposed to, like, that's all bullshit. 795 00:34:26,285 --> 00:34:28,125 I would, I, I would believe it when I say it 796 00:34:28,125 --> 00:34:30,805 to somebody else, but internally I'm like, 797 00:34:31,925 --> 00:34:33,005 I wish I could handle more. 798 00:34:33,005 --> 00:34:37,445 And why can't I? So Yeah. 799 00:34:38,195 --> 00:34:39,285 Yeah. . 800 00:34:40,035 --> 00:34:43,605 - Okay. Okay. Um, I, I have mentioned this 801 00:34:43,605 --> 00:34:47,885 before in, in past podcasts, so I'm not gonna go into, uh, 802 00:34:47,945 --> 00:34:49,125 two great detail, 803 00:34:49,305 --> 00:34:52,805 but, um, I am gonna mention it, it deserves mention. 804 00:34:53,155 --> 00:34:56,405 Okay. Um, when I 805 00:34:58,015 --> 00:35:01,245 began discovering my sadistic side, um, 806 00:35:01,395 --> 00:35:05,575 that was very in much conflict with how I was taught. 807 00:35:05,955 --> 00:35:06,975 Oh, yeah. Okay. 808 00:35:07,675 --> 00:35:12,335 And, and that, that was a, a very difficult thing to, 809 00:35:12,475 --> 00:35:12,695 um, 810 00:35:14,675 --> 00:35:19,415 um, overcome. 811 00:35:19,475 --> 00:35:23,055 Mm-Hmm. , um, thankfully with the help of a, 812 00:35:23,215 --> 00:35:25,495 a MAs sat down and, and talked to me 813 00:35:25,735 --> 00:35:28,295 and explain what pain meant to them. 814 00:35:28,435 --> 00:35:30,815 Mm-Hmm. , you know, I was able to come 815 00:35:30,835 --> 00:35:33,055 to terms with that. Mm-Hmm. 816 00:35:33,095 --> 00:35:34,095 - . Mm-Hmm. . 817 00:35:36,435 --> 00:35:40,765 - So, and - I'm grateful for it, , Because while I 818 00:35:41,955 --> 00:35:46,125 sometimes feel bad, even though nobody has ever 819 00:35:46,755 --> 00:35:47,885 made me, certainly not you, 820 00:35:48,025 --> 00:35:50,485 but I internally, I feel bad that I can't take all 821 00:35:50,485 --> 00:35:51,565 that you would like to dish. 822 00:35:52,745 --> 00:35:54,645 I'm glad that you are willing to dish 823 00:35:54,675 --> 00:35:56,085 what I can take . 824 00:35:57,585 --> 00:36:00,245 And hey, every once in a while we get that, like, that 825 00:36:01,395 --> 00:36:04,725 once in a million scene where you're like, it's intense. 826 00:36:04,725 --> 00:36:07,245 And I'm like, yeah, keep going. Keep going. So, Mm-Hmm. 827 00:36:07,285 --> 00:36:07,805 . Mm-Hmm. 828 00:36:07,885 --> 00:36:09,285 , you know, that's kind of nice. 829 00:36:10,065 --> 00:36:14,205 Um, what's e what's been easy? 830 00:36:14,305 --> 00:36:18,885 What's been hard? Ah, my brain is starting to draw a blank. 831 00:36:19,125 --> 00:36:20,925 I know there are other things, but you know how Mm-Hmm. 832 00:36:20,965 --> 00:36:22,725 . I get fuzzy. . 833 00:36:24,425 --> 00:36:25,725 Can you think of anything? Um, 834 00:36:26,845 --> 00:36:31,485 - I, I think one of the, the hardest things, um, for us, 835 00:36:31,865 --> 00:36:34,925 and, and we're kind of in that little bit 836 00:36:34,925 --> 00:36:38,645 of fluxx right now, as, as life has changed 837 00:36:39,585 --> 00:36:44,325 for us, um, finding ways 838 00:36:44,385 --> 00:36:46,365 to schedule kinky time. 839 00:36:47,035 --> 00:36:49,925 - Yeah. That's a, um, a bit of a cycle 840 00:36:49,935 --> 00:36:51,445 where sometimes it's really easy 841 00:36:51,465 --> 00:36:52,805 and you're like, look at all this time. 842 00:36:52,985 --> 00:36:54,925 And then sometimes you're like, when, 843 00:36:55,035 --> 00:36:56,365 when the fuck is it supposed to happen? 844 00:36:56,365 --> 00:36:58,805 Mm-Hmm. midnight on Tuesdays. Is that what 845 00:36:58,805 --> 00:36:59,805 - We've got? 846 00:36:59,805 --> 00:37:02,005 ? Right, right, right, right, right, right. 847 00:37:03,835 --> 00:37:07,845 - Yeah. There's also the difficulty of wanting 848 00:37:09,035 --> 00:37:12,365 certain fantasies to play out certain scenes Mm-Hmm. 849 00:37:12,405 --> 00:37:13,405 to do certain kinks. 850 00:37:13,795 --> 00:37:15,525 Like the mind wants it, 851 00:37:15,545 --> 00:37:17,325 and the body's like, bitch, sit down. 852 00:37:17,325 --> 00:37:19,525 Nope. You do not get to have this . Yeah. Yeah. 853 00:37:19,525 --> 00:37:22,405 Either right now or ever, but like, no. Mm-Hmm. 854 00:37:22,445 --> 00:37:24,445 , you know, sometimes it's just the 855 00:37:24,445 --> 00:37:27,405 practicalities of this kind of scene cannot be done 856 00:37:28,185 --> 00:37:31,965 in the place that we have available based on sound, 857 00:37:31,975 --> 00:37:34,085 based on access, based on money, like, whatever. 858 00:37:34,505 --> 00:37:39,325 And sometimes it's, you know, there's a part 859 00:37:39,325 --> 00:37:40,685 of me that, that sounds good. 860 00:37:40,755 --> 00:37:42,005 Like yes. Mm-Hmm. bring it on. 861 00:37:42,185 --> 00:37:43,645 But my mind goes, no, bitch, you can't do that. 862 00:37:43,665 --> 00:37:47,885 You will traumatize yourself. Stop trying to do that. Um, 863 00:37:49,555 --> 00:37:50,555 - Yeah. 864 00:37:50,555 --> 00:37:52,805 Yeah. And I mean, one, one other thing, 865 00:37:52,805 --> 00:37:55,805 and that this is more of a me thing, uh, 866 00:37:55,805 --> 00:37:57,965 because, you know, you've know, you know, 867 00:37:58,105 --> 00:38:00,005 and I've talked about many, many times 868 00:38:00,185 --> 00:38:01,685 how much community means to me. 869 00:38:02,545 --> 00:38:06,805 And you know, there, there has been a push in, 870 00:38:07,025 --> 00:38:10,765 in our community here to, to do more things, to, 871 00:38:10,905 --> 00:38:13,805 to bring more people in, to have more activities and, 872 00:38:14,185 --> 00:38:15,485 and workshops and, 873 00:38:15,625 --> 00:38:18,725 and, you know, access to, to play and things like that. 874 00:38:19,585 --> 00:38:21,805 And I think that is an amazing thing. Mm-Hmm. 875 00:38:21,845 --> 00:38:24,685 and, and happy to see it. 876 00:38:26,065 --> 00:38:30,765 And, um, it has been difficult 877 00:38:30,765 --> 00:38:34,525 because I have been wanting to be a part of that 878 00:38:34,525 --> 00:38:36,725 because of how much I believe in the community. 879 00:38:37,385 --> 00:38:42,005 And yet , uh, life being what life is. 880 00:38:43,755 --> 00:38:46,725 - Yeah. - I, I, I just have not been able to, um, 881 00:38:46,915 --> 00:38:48,525 - There's never enough time to do all the things 882 00:38:48,585 --> 00:38:49,585 - You wanna do. 883 00:38:49,585 --> 00:38:51,885 No, no. Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. No, not at all. Yeah. 884 00:38:51,945 --> 00:38:56,125 - And I, I am sympathetic. 885 00:38:56,355 --> 00:38:57,525 It's hard for me to empathize. 886 00:38:57,725 --> 00:39:00,325 'cause I am happy being a couch goblin 887 00:39:00,465 --> 00:39:01,725 who never leaves her fucking house. 888 00:39:01,865 --> 00:39:03,445 Can, my food can be brought to me, 889 00:39:03,585 --> 00:39:04,765 my drinks can be brought to me. 890 00:39:04,985 --> 00:39:07,365 My, my toys can be brought to me. 891 00:39:07,485 --> 00:39:08,685 I don't have to actually fucking leave. 892 00:39:08,685 --> 00:39:09,885 What are we doing here? Mm-Hmm. . 893 00:39:09,945 --> 00:39:14,725 Um, but I, you know, I, I wish you could have as much 894 00:39:14,785 --> 00:39:16,245 of it as you want. 895 00:39:17,265 --> 00:39:21,045 Um, the thing I struggle with that I find difficult is the, 896 00:39:22,905 --> 00:39:24,405 is guilt the right word? 897 00:39:24,815 --> 00:39:26,565 Maybe the feelings. 898 00:39:26,685 --> 00:39:30,925 I feel that you want to be out there doing the things. 899 00:39:31,025 --> 00:39:33,685 Mm-Hmm. . And I'm happy to send you, 900 00:39:34,105 --> 00:39:37,365 but I know you want me with you, and I don't wanna be there. 901 00:39:38,125 --> 00:39:40,165 - . Yeah. 902 00:39:41,525 --> 00:39:44,605 - I, um, I, I often feel bad about that. 903 00:39:45,405 --> 00:39:49,365 I wish that was easier, um, to get to the, 904 00:39:50,145 --> 00:39:51,445 to be able to do the play party 905 00:39:51,445 --> 00:39:52,725 that we did at the end of October. 906 00:39:53,585 --> 00:39:57,085 You, we were told about it end of September, 907 00:39:57,085 --> 00:39:58,685 early October. I can't remember. 908 00:39:58,885 --> 00:40:00,325 - I think it might've been mid-September. 909 00:40:00,595 --> 00:40:03,525 - Okay. You tried to gently bring it up to me 910 00:40:03,525 --> 00:40:05,925 after we'd both seen the text and I had a meltdown. 911 00:40:06,465 --> 00:40:09,045 Not like a full on, like the worst kind, 912 00:40:09,105 --> 00:40:11,565 but I was not, I like, it was overwhelming. 913 00:40:11,565 --> 00:40:12,565 And I went, I can't, I 914 00:40:12,565 --> 00:40:13,605 can't even think about this right now. 915 00:40:14,195 --> 00:40:17,565 Then we both pretended to ignore it 916 00:40:18,105 --> 00:40:19,685 for like three weeks. 917 00:40:20,115 --> 00:40:23,365 - Well, no, I knew if I brought it up after 918 00:40:23,385 --> 00:40:24,385 - My initial - Reaction. 919 00:40:24,475 --> 00:40:27,885 Yeah. You know, and, and tried to push it. Mm-Hmm. 920 00:40:27,925 --> 00:40:29,485 you would just push back harder. 921 00:40:30,105 --> 00:40:34,205 So my thing was, I'm, I'm just gonna step back. Mm-Hmm. 922 00:40:34,245 --> 00:40:35,325 , she knows about it. 923 00:40:35,885 --> 00:40:37,285 I I'm not gonna talk about it. 924 00:40:37,345 --> 00:40:39,525 Not gonna put any pressure not, and, 925 00:40:39,625 --> 00:40:40,725 and just see what happens. 926 00:40:41,065 --> 00:40:42,065 Yep. 927 00:40:44,085 --> 00:40:46,525 - I think we're having technical difficulties. Again, 928 00:40:46,655 --> 00:40:47,805 - Again, hold - That thought. 929 00:40:47,905 --> 00:40:50,645 You click some things if you need to. I'll be right back. 930 00:40:50,645 --> 00:40:51,645 Podcast listeners. 931 00:40:52,755 --> 00:40:55,125 - Okay. - There's, 932 00:40:55,995 --> 00:40:56,995 - Yeah. 933 00:40:56,995 --> 00:40:57,505 And I'm 934 00:41:02,235 --> 00:41:03,235 - Okay. 935 00:41:04,235 --> 00:41:06,845 - Okay. I am trying to like, shut things down. 936 00:41:06,905 --> 00:41:09,325 So maybe we don't use quite so much bandwidth. 937 00:41:09,425 --> 00:41:11,205 Are we just having an internet issue? 938 00:41:11,635 --> 00:41:12,845 - Something's been going on 939 00:41:12,845 --> 00:41:15,925 because starting last night I was having some minor 940 00:41:15,925 --> 00:41:17,285 connectivity issues, minor issues 941 00:41:17,285 --> 00:41:19,005 that were cropping up, up right back. Gotcha. 942 00:41:19,505 --> 00:41:22,365 - You keep talking. Um, for - What it's, 943 00:41:23,195 --> 00:41:24,195 - Yeah. 944 00:41:24,195 --> 00:41:28,645 The, so with the play party, I, he had, we had 945 00:41:28,645 --> 00:41:31,965 to not talk about it again for a few weeks. 946 00:41:33,425 --> 00:41:37,085 And then I decided on my own that yes, I would do this 947 00:41:37,145 --> 00:41:40,205 and I would do it because I wanted to have that moment 948 00:41:40,385 --> 00:41:44,845 of connection with JB in, in a way that we cannot, 949 00:41:44,965 --> 00:41:47,285 couldn't get anywhere else. 950 00:41:48,265 --> 00:41:51,965 Um, and so I sort of had to swallow like all my, 951 00:41:52,265 --> 00:41:55,085 my feelings about how scared I was 952 00:41:55,105 --> 00:41:56,725 and uncomfortable and blah, blah, blah. 953 00:41:56,725 --> 00:41:59,365 Because I wanted that more. 954 00:41:59,485 --> 00:42:03,485 I wanted the connection with him more than I wanted 955 00:42:03,485 --> 00:42:04,565 to stay home, I guess. 956 00:42:05,225 --> 00:42:09,405 Um, and that is becoming more difficult, that over time 957 00:42:09,405 --> 00:42:10,925 that has become more difficult. 958 00:42:11,545 --> 00:42:16,325 Um, when we first got 959 00:42:16,565 --> 00:42:19,045 together, maybe it was the new relationship energy. 960 00:42:19,055 --> 00:42:20,805 Maybe it was because this is the only way 961 00:42:20,805 --> 00:42:21,965 we can experience kink. 962 00:42:22,125 --> 00:42:24,085 I don't, I don't know, maybe I was just still in my 963 00:42:24,085 --> 00:42:25,245 mid thirties and life was easier. 964 00:42:25,565 --> 00:42:27,125 I genuinely don't know. 965 00:42:27,705 --> 00:42:29,685 But while I found it difficult to go out 966 00:42:29,685 --> 00:42:33,245 and do things, I just could always do it if I needed to. 967 00:42:33,825 --> 00:42:36,725 And these days I cannot always do it. 968 00:42:37,475 --> 00:42:41,285 Like I, I would like to or need to or whatever. 969 00:42:42,105 --> 00:42:45,165 Um, so yeah, that part has been 970 00:42:45,745 --> 00:42:48,445 become more difficult over time. 971 00:42:49,395 --> 00:42:52,085 Poor JB is in the background doing things 972 00:42:52,475 --> 00:42:54,285 with bits and pieces of things. 973 00:42:54,525 --> 00:42:56,285 I don't even understand . 974 00:42:57,785 --> 00:43:00,925 I'm trying to like, fill the silence. 975 00:43:01,945 --> 00:43:03,765 Um, there was something I was thinking about 976 00:43:03,765 --> 00:43:06,925 that was still difficult for me, 977 00:43:07,745 --> 00:43:09,925 but I, I can't, I've lost it. 978 00:43:09,995 --> 00:43:11,445 I've lost it to the ether. 979 00:43:12,425 --> 00:43:15,005 Um, that sucks. 980 00:43:16,525 --> 00:43:18,045 I don't remember what it is. Y'all. 981 00:43:18,745 --> 00:43:23,525 Um, I think conversations like this are, are 982 00:43:23,745 --> 00:43:26,605 for me, are good for me because yeah. 983 00:43:26,645 --> 00:43:28,765 I have to think about what's hard to do 984 00:43:28,865 --> 00:43:31,405 and sort of have to face it when I would prefer not to, 985 00:43:32,145 --> 00:43:35,205 but it's sort of a good reminder 986 00:43:35,205 --> 00:43:36,685 that not everything is difficult. 987 00:43:36,785 --> 00:43:40,605 So when I have to go through a period of li of time 988 00:43:40,605 --> 00:43:42,365 where I'm like, everything feels hard. 989 00:43:42,595 --> 00:43:44,805 Like, why does it feel hard to handle sensation? 990 00:43:44,805 --> 00:43:46,445 Why does it feel hard to go to the play party? 991 00:43:46,465 --> 00:43:48,325 Why does, why does it all feel hard? 992 00:43:48,945 --> 00:43:52,205 Um, thinking about where it's been easy and, 993 00:43:52,425 --> 00:43:54,485 and less hard, less difficult. 994 00:43:55,025 --> 00:43:57,685 Um, that is like a confidence boost. 995 00:43:58,075 --> 00:43:59,525 Talking about it with JB 996 00:43:59,525 --> 00:44:02,365 and hearing him say, this is difficult for me 997 00:44:03,505 --> 00:44:04,565 is validating. 998 00:44:04,565 --> 00:44:06,685 And then I'm like, okay, now I'm not alone. 999 00:44:07,065 --> 00:44:09,765 And that is, that is what I want. 1000 00:44:09,925 --> 00:44:11,645 I want, I want to not be alone in this. 1001 00:44:11,765 --> 00:44:13,765 I think most of us probably feel that way. 1002 00:44:14,505 --> 00:44:16,485 Um, I can't think 1003 00:44:16,485 --> 00:44:19,645 of anything else I would add. 1004 00:44:19,945 --> 00:44:20,945 Can you, 1005 00:44:21,545 --> 00:44:22,605 - Um, not really. 1006 00:44:23,145 --> 00:44:24,445 - Do you feel like you've said as much 1007 00:44:24,445 --> 00:44:26,165 as you wanna say on the topic? 1008 00:44:26,595 --> 00:44:28,245 Yeah, I think so. Just for the record, 1009 00:44:28,345 --> 00:44:29,565 he does have a mic, y'all. 1010 00:44:29,565 --> 00:44:31,405 He was just, he's walked away from it. . 1011 00:44:31,595 --> 00:44:33,525 It's not like the old days where I Yeah. 1012 00:44:33,715 --> 00:44:36,925 Like, you know, uh, loaded. 1013 00:44:37,105 --> 00:44:38,925 Now I think we're getting internet back. 1014 00:44:38,965 --> 00:44:41,445 I don't know what's gonna happen. I would say let's go into 1015 00:44:41,765 --> 00:44:45,245 a bonus section and if the live stream comes back up, great. 1016 00:44:45,945 --> 00:44:48,245 But at least you know, we, we've gone old school 1017 00:44:48,345 --> 00:44:52,085 and podcast listeners, you know, are not being shortchanged. 1018 00:44:53,785 --> 00:44:57,005 Uh, okay. So are, are you, are you good? 1019 00:44:57,525 --> 00:44:59,685 - I, I believe so. - I don't think that's my line. 1020 00:44:59,805 --> 00:45:01,925 I don't think I'm supposed to say that, but Okay. 1021 00:45:01,985 --> 00:45:03,045 We can do a bonus section. 1022 00:45:03,305 --> 00:45:06,725 - Are we good? - I don't know. I never know. 1023 00:45:07,795 --> 00:45:10,245 - Okay. Keep, keep it kinky on Ky 1024 00:45:10,245 --> 00:45:12,365 - Y'all and we'll see you next week. 1025 00:45:12,375 --> 00:45:13,445 We'll see you Friday night. 1026 00:45:13,445 --> 00:45:15,005 If you come to the live stream, assuming we 1027 00:45:15,005 --> 00:45:16,245 have internet connection. 1028 00:45:27,825 --> 00:45:30,325 - Yes, baby girl. - Can I talk to the crickets please? 1029 00:45:32,595 --> 00:45:34,245 - Okay. - Okay. Thank y'all. 1030 00:45:34,945 --> 00:45:38,365 Uh, are you more 1031 00:45:38,385 --> 00:45:40,805 or less grumpy than you were when we started? 1032 00:45:43,245 --> 00:45:44,445 - A little less. Okay. 1033 00:45:44,475 --> 00:45:46,725 - Good. I mean, I could see if you said more 1034 00:45:46,725 --> 00:45:47,925 because of the internet issues. 1035 00:45:48,125 --> 00:45:49,805 I would, I would respect that . I would go. Yeah. 1036 00:45:50,075 --> 00:45:51,765 Yeah. That makes sense. Makes sense. 1037 00:45:52,465 --> 00:45:57,225 Um, yeah, your, your grumpiness is due to stress. 1038 00:45:57,285 --> 00:46:00,025 That's technically a good stress, right? Yeah. Okay. 1039 00:46:00,095 --> 00:46:01,825 Just making sure. Just double checking. Mm-Hmm. 1040 00:46:01,865 --> 00:46:03,305 just, just doing the thing. 1041 00:46:03,805 --> 00:46:06,305 - Um, no, definitely good stress, but, you know. Yeah. 1042 00:46:06,305 --> 00:46:09,665 - Yeah. We are getting ready for the, the Orlando event. 1043 00:46:09,845 --> 00:46:10,945 Mm-Hmm. . Um, 1044 00:46:11,325 --> 00:46:14,745 and we, we always over prepare for it, which is, 1045 00:46:14,865 --> 00:46:17,025 I would rather be over-prepared than under-prepared. 1046 00:46:17,485 --> 00:46:20,105 Um, but we often have these like grand visions in our head 1047 00:46:20,105 --> 00:46:21,345 of what this is supposed to look like 1048 00:46:21,345 --> 00:46:22,625 and what we're supposed to bring Mm-Hmm. 1049 00:46:22,625 --> 00:46:23,705 And what we're supposed to have done. And 1050 00:46:23,705 --> 00:46:28,225 of course we then just give ourselves, uh, stress and work. 1051 00:46:28,685 --> 00:46:30,185 But we really are making headway. 1052 00:46:30,305 --> 00:46:33,825 I am surrounded right now by stacks of paddles that will go 1053 00:46:33,825 --> 00:46:35,225 with us to Orlando 1054 00:46:35,365 --> 00:46:36,865 and then whatever doesn't sell will pop 1055 00:46:36,865 --> 00:46:37,905 on the shop when we get back. 1056 00:46:37,905 --> 00:46:39,905 Mm-Hmm. that I'm actually overwhelmed 1057 00:46:40,105 --> 00:46:41,785 'cause you're like, here, I've brought you things here. 1058 00:46:41,825 --> 00:46:43,505 I have brought you things here. I've brought you things. 1059 00:46:43,605 --> 00:46:45,745 I'm like, oh, oh, now I have to do my part on them. 1060 00:46:45,805 --> 00:46:48,065 And it's like the finishing processes. Yep. 1061 00:46:48,245 --> 00:46:49,865 And I'm like, I don't have time. 1062 00:46:50,805 --> 00:46:52,465 Um, but I'm gonna have to fucking make time. 1063 00:46:52,965 --> 00:46:56,785 Uh, one of the, one of the things, um, 1064 00:46:57,335 --> 00:46:59,185 that we're making extra of, 1065 00:46:59,345 --> 00:47:00,705 'cause we need 'em for the holidays anyway, 1066 00:47:00,725 --> 00:47:01,905 are rough rider paddles. 1067 00:47:01,905 --> 00:47:03,585 Yes. And those are paddles where you, 1068 00:47:03,655 --> 00:47:04,985 they're wooden paddles, 1069 00:47:04,985 --> 00:47:08,825 but you have, um, hemp rope strung across them, right? 1070 00:47:08,825 --> 00:47:10,745 Mm-Hmm. to create sensation and, and wait. 1071 00:47:10,745 --> 00:47:13,745 And it's great. Anyway, the point I'm saying is we had 1072 00:47:13,745 --> 00:47:17,385 to order more rope for rough rider paddles 1073 00:47:17,645 --> 00:47:21,345 and the rope will not arrive until Friday according 1074 00:47:21,365 --> 00:47:22,545 to the current tracking. 1075 00:47:22,775 --> 00:47:27,545 Yeah. Um, which means during the live stream, you may, 1076 00:47:27,645 --> 00:47:31,725 if you attend, be watching JB run rope 1077 00:47:32,245 --> 00:47:33,525 , run your paddles. 1078 00:47:35,105 --> 00:47:37,325 And you may be watching me 1079 00:47:37,665 --> 00:47:39,005 fiddle with the last minute things. 1080 00:47:39,085 --> 00:47:41,205 I gotta put cords on things. I gotta tie things up. 1081 00:47:41,325 --> 00:47:42,085 I gotta put things on 1082 00:47:42,085 --> 00:47:43,525 boxes. I don't know what's gonna happen. 1083 00:47:44,265 --> 00:47:47,725 Um, so yeah. Yeah. 1084 00:47:48,035 --> 00:47:49,325 It's, it is a good kind of stress. 1085 00:47:49,425 --> 00:47:50,525 I'm excited about Saturday. 1086 00:47:51,025 --> 00:47:53,325 We say this every year that we do it, that we have to try 1087 00:47:53,325 --> 00:47:58,085 and keep our, uh, hopes for it, uh, realistic. 1088 00:47:58,665 --> 00:48:02,765 We don't wanna go in thinking it's gonna be like huge 1089 00:48:02,825 --> 00:48:04,445 and this and that and then be disappointed. 1090 00:48:04,485 --> 00:48:05,685 I would rather be surprised. 1091 00:48:05,745 --> 00:48:08,565 So we're trying to like, trying to play it down a little bit 1092 00:48:08,565 --> 00:48:10,125 and go, okay, we're gonna, we're just happy 1093 00:48:10,275 --> 00:48:13,005 with whatever happens and, you know, let's make our, 1094 00:48:13,225 --> 00:48:14,405 our, uh, what's it called? 1095 00:48:14,665 --> 00:48:17,805 Um, our entry feedback. There we go. 1096 00:48:17,855 --> 00:48:19,205 Let's make our gas money back. 1097 00:48:19,255 --> 00:48:21,485 Let's break even now, we'll call that a success, 1098 00:48:21,985 --> 00:48:23,805 but on the inside we're like, no, 1099 00:48:23,855 --> 00:48:25,485 let's sell out of everything. 1100 00:48:25,505 --> 00:48:27,165 That's why we're making all . 1101 00:48:29,025 --> 00:48:33,085 So Yeah. But yeah, I know you're right. 1102 00:48:33,085 --> 00:48:34,445 Now you're going through your mental list of 1103 00:48:34,445 --> 00:48:35,445 what you still need to work on 1104 00:48:35,585 --> 00:48:37,365 and what still needs to be finished. And 1105 00:48:37,885 --> 00:48:38,605 - I do. Yeah. 1106 00:48:38,995 --> 00:48:40,685 - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's funny 1107 00:48:40,685 --> 00:48:44,965 because I think when he's not grumpy, 1108 00:48:45,545 --> 00:48:48,165 JB knows that I'm aware of that kind of stuff. 1109 00:48:48,725 --> 00:48:51,965 . So this morning when I was like, Hey, we need 1110 00:48:51,965 --> 00:48:53,685 to make a certain piece of content 1111 00:48:53,905 --> 00:48:55,845 before the month gets away from us 1112 00:48:56,595 --> 00:49:00,285 because we're, it's gonna get crazier after this week. 1113 00:49:00,385 --> 00:49:01,965 So we should do this now. 1114 00:49:02,905 --> 00:49:06,405 And I knew in my head that I wanted to do it in the morning 1115 00:49:07,025 --> 00:49:09,845 before we even streamed and recorded this podcast. 1116 00:49:10,885 --> 00:49:12,125 'cause that made the most sense. 'cause 1117 00:49:12,125 --> 00:49:13,245 we have busy afternoons. 1118 00:49:13,245 --> 00:49:14,925 Mm-Hmm. , JB did not 1119 00:49:15,105 --> 00:49:16,245 ask me if that's what I meant. 1120 00:49:16,245 --> 00:49:18,565 And I did not clarify to be fair. 1121 00:49:19,545 --> 00:49:21,085 But he got extra grumpy 1122 00:49:21,325 --> 00:49:24,365 'cause he thought I meant a different time than I meant. 1123 00:49:24,785 --> 00:49:26,365 And we had a miscommunication. 1124 00:49:26,505 --> 00:49:29,325 And it was only when my feelings got hurt, , 1125 00:49:29,705 --> 00:49:31,645 we were able to work it out. 1126 00:49:32,125 --> 00:49:33,125 . 1127 00:49:33,475 --> 00:49:35,925 - Well see as of as of yesterday. Mm-Hmm. . 1128 00:49:36,205 --> 00:49:39,605 I had my day meaning today. Mm-Hmm. 1129 00:49:39,645 --> 00:49:42,365 of the recording mapped out in my head. Oh 1130 00:49:42,365 --> 00:49:43,365 - Yeah. 1131 00:49:43,365 --> 00:49:43,845 And I know that feeling when you, 1132 00:49:43,845 --> 00:49:45,565 you make a plan in your head for what it's 1133 00:49:45,565 --> 00:49:46,565 - Gonna be. 1134 00:49:46,565 --> 00:49:50,645 'cause I know we do, you know, the, the QQ and A video. 1135 00:49:50,665 --> 00:49:52,085 Mm-Hmm. . And then we do the live stream. 1136 00:49:52,085 --> 00:49:53,325 Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. And I was like, okay, 1137 00:49:53,325 --> 00:49:55,445 that affords me this amount of time in the morning 1138 00:49:56,195 --> 00:49:58,325 that I can do X some things. 1139 00:49:58,345 --> 00:50:00,765 Mm-Hmm. . And then afterwards I can go out in 1140 00:50:00,765 --> 00:50:03,325 the shop because we're not gonna have enough of these. 1141 00:50:03,325 --> 00:50:06,165 And if I don't get my off my ass and, and start and, and 1142 00:50:06,165 --> 00:50:07,125 - Your brain's spinning, 1143 00:50:07,125 --> 00:50:08,485 spinning, spinning. Right. Yeah. Yeah, 1144 00:50:08,485 --> 00:50:09,485 - Yeah. 1145 00:50:09,485 --> 00:50:12,685 You know, so, you know, I got some done of what I wanted 1146 00:50:12,685 --> 00:50:14,605 to do this morning, but not all of what I wanted 1147 00:50:14,625 --> 00:50:15,925 to do. Yeah. Prior. 1148 00:50:16,785 --> 00:50:20,205 - And yet you'll be happy when we're not scrambling 1149 00:50:20,425 --> 00:50:23,405 to do the thing later this month that we did today. 1150 00:50:23,595 --> 00:50:26,285 Yeah. Yeah. And it was fun. And you like relaxed. Mm-Hmm. 1151 00:50:26,325 --> 00:50:27,685 and you were a little less grumpy 1152 00:50:28,395 --> 00:50:29,445 - Kind - Of a little bit. 1153 00:50:30,155 --> 00:50:32,365 Yeah. There's a reason I call him a grumpy polar bear. 1154 00:50:32,365 --> 00:50:35,125 Often actually for anybody who's like, 1155 00:50:35,455 --> 00:50:36,525 where does that come from? 1156 00:50:36,665 --> 00:50:38,685 It comes from a meme. Okay. . 1157 00:50:39,555 --> 00:50:43,565 It's a meme we saw years ago of a polar bear, 1158 00:50:44,625 --> 00:50:48,725 slight walking across ice sliding with his, his neck 1159 00:50:48,985 --> 00:50:51,925 and head and chest on the ice. 1160 00:50:52,585 --> 00:50:53,605 And he's bent over. 1161 00:50:53,805 --> 00:50:55,885 I say he, I don't know, I don't know the gender of the, 1162 00:50:56,025 --> 00:50:57,525 the sex I should say of the polar bear, 1163 00:50:57,665 --> 00:50:59,205 but the polar bear is bent forward 1164 00:50:59,265 --> 00:51:02,765 and it back feet are what's moving this polar bear forward. 1165 00:51:02,985 --> 00:51:04,965 But it's a, uh, 1166 00:51:05,035 --> 00:51:07,685 what it's sliding across the ice on its chest, 1167 00:51:07,995 --> 00:51:09,245 neck, and head. 1168 00:51:10,105 --> 00:51:12,845 And, and the meme we saw was like me 1169 00:51:12,845 --> 00:51:14,565 before coffee or something like that. 1170 00:51:14,565 --> 00:51:17,525 Right. And I went, yeah, that is, that is you daddy. 1171 00:51:17,925 --> 00:51:18,925 - . 1172 00:51:18,925 --> 00:51:21,125 - And so we called that a grumpy polar bear. 1173 00:51:21,425 --> 00:51:24,725 And so now JB is a grumpy polar bear. Mm-Hmm. 1174 00:51:24,765 --> 00:51:28,365 often, often a grumpy polar bear . Yep. 1175 00:51:29,305 --> 00:51:32,605 So yeah. But we're getting through it and Mm-Hmm. 1176 00:51:32,645 --> 00:51:34,485 , if all goes well on Saturday in 1177 00:51:34,485 --> 00:51:35,845 Orlando, it'll be worth it. 1178 00:51:35,945 --> 00:51:40,125 Yes, of course. We will do that and, you know, uh, come home 1179 00:51:40,865 --> 00:51:43,005 and then turn around and get ready for Black Friday. 1180 00:51:43,185 --> 00:51:46,125 Mm-Hmm. , which is not just getting ready 1181 00:51:46,305 --> 00:51:49,725 for the kry, the kry.com, it is also getting ready 1182 00:51:49,785 --> 00:51:53,605 for our annual favorite toys and, and bits 1183 00:51:53,605 --> 00:51:54,605 and pieces episode. 1184 00:51:54,605 --> 00:51:55,685 Mm-Hmm. , which is a massive 1185 00:51:55,995 --> 00:51:57,045 episode every year. 1186 00:51:57,155 --> 00:52:00,925 Yeah. It's gotten smaller as we have tried less toys, 1187 00:52:01,065 --> 00:52:04,005 but I spend hours pulling the links 1188 00:52:04,005 --> 00:52:05,525 and making sure I know which items 1189 00:52:05,705 --> 00:52:07,765 and did we have reviews for them and when 1190 00:52:08,155 --> 00:52:09,155 - Yeah. 1191 00:52:09,155 --> 00:52:09,445 And it's , 1192 00:52:11,065 --> 00:52:12,065 - So Yeah. 1193 00:52:12,065 --> 00:52:13,205 Um, I don't think I'm the only 1194 00:52:13,205 --> 00:52:14,525 masochist here is what I'm saying. 1195 00:52:16,165 --> 00:52:17,245 I really don't Mm-Hmm. 1196 00:52:17,405 --> 00:52:19,085 I don't think I'm alone in my masochism 1197 00:52:19,085 --> 00:52:21,285 because we do this to ourselves every year. 1198 00:52:21,375 --> 00:52:25,365 Every year. Yeah. Um, yep. So, yeah. Mm-Hmm. . 1199 00:52:25,965 --> 00:52:28,525 I, I don't, I guess that's it mostly 1200 00:52:28,525 --> 00:52:30,485 because we don't wanna be done 1201 00:52:30,485 --> 00:52:31,885 because we don't wanna have the tech issues, 1202 00:52:31,945 --> 00:52:34,735 but also we need to be done 1203 00:52:34,735 --> 00:52:37,535 because JB has a mental list he's trying to cross off. 1204 00:52:37,675 --> 00:52:39,375 Yes. He's got shit to do. Big time. 1205 00:52:39,425 --> 00:52:40,615 Uhhuh , Uhhuh . Mm-Hmm. 1206 00:52:40,655 --> 00:52:42,215 . Um, thanks 1207 00:52:42,215 --> 00:52:43,655 for being here with us. Y'all 1208 00:52:44,275 --> 00:52:45,655 - As always. Glad to have you. 1209 00:52:45,835 --> 00:52:48,095 - Yes, yes. Hopefully we have internet connection 1210 00:52:48,095 --> 00:52:49,655 for the Friday night live stream. 1211 00:52:49,655 --> 00:52:51,815 Mm-Hmm. . It's gonna be a bad day if we don't, 1212 00:52:51,875 --> 00:52:53,295 that's just say that. 1213 00:52:53,955 --> 00:52:57,935 Um, and so yeah, uh, hopefully if you can, we will 1214 00:52:58,515 --> 00:53:00,295 air quote, see you at the live Friday, 1215 00:53:00,585 --> 00:53:02,375 which is the day this episode comes out 1216 00:53:02,375 --> 00:53:03,455 Friday, November 17th. 1217 00:53:03,455 --> 00:53:06,255 Yeah. Um, if not, we'll talk to you next week. 1218 00:53:06,255 --> 00:53:08,095 Mm-Hmm, . Okay. Bye. Bye.