- You are listening to the loving BDSM podcast,
episode 3 74.
Okay. The Lord's here with the one, the only the
we're time traveling here.
So in different recordings, you've been different levels
of grump, Uhhuh, because of stress.
Yeah. But you seem to finally be like coming down
to like a manageable level of grumpy polar bear stress.
John Brownstone. Nah,
- .
Nah, . It's all rumors. .
- You, I mean, you still look like your jaw is
perpetually clenched .
But I can get you to smile.
Whereas before we even started recording
and at the top of one of our recordings,
you refuse to smile.
- That's true. - Yeah.
So, you know, I'm working my submissive whiles on you.
. I dunno.
I would say my feminine wilds, but, uh, .
I know, I know. Whatever the flavor
of wils are, you don't really give a shit.
The, the, the gender of them. Mm-Hmm. .
It's just the wild. So we'll kind ,
submissive. Wilds.
- Okay. . - Have I complicated that enough? Yes.
Have I muddied those waters?
You certainly have turned them up.
Nobody knows what the fuck is going on around here.
- You, you jumped in there with a blender. I
- Did.
I did . It's 'cause I haven't had enough coffee.
So we're just going off of vibes and Yeah.
And that's about it.
Uh, that is not at all
what we're talking about this week.
This week we are sharing what we find easy
and what we find difficult about kink
and especially power exchange.
Welcome to the Loving B DSS M podcast.
This is your first time listening. Glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced every Friday
for your kinky pleasure and education.
And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add the podcast
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and threads at that handle.
I will forever fucking hate loving DSS in the number one.
So at Loving DSS one,
or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving bdsm,
where you can watch us live stream the
podcast every Wednesday.
All links are in the show notes.
Big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon,
including our newest peeps, uh, we're able
to keep being weirdos on the internet.
Mm-Hmm. , uh, in large part
because of our kinky patrons,
and we are fucking grateful for every fucking one of you.
Absolutely. Uh, if you'd like to join our kinky community
and get access to extra content
and a Discord server with a group of super cool,
super nice kinks, you can do that.
Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords.
That's patreon.com/kayla lords,
or use the link in the show notes.
Okay. Before we get into this week's topic,
just a couple of announcements.
Uh, but if I don't look at my notes, I will get them wrong.
. Hmm. Um, this Friday,
November 17th.
Yes. That's how dates work.
Um, , we are going live
on YouTube at 9:30 PM Eastern Mm-Hmm.
for our monthly Friday night livestream.
Virtual Munch, B-D-S-M-Q and a thing that we do.
Um, it is the day
before the second announcement
where we'll be at the woodshed in Orlando
for their holiday shopping.
Say it, say it. Only you could say it
- Extravaganza. Sure.
- Oh my God. .
I get a little bit of an internal cringe every time you say
it, but I love you, so go for it.
Just, just do your thing. Um, so Friday night livestream,
will we stick around till midnight like we usually do?
I don't know, because Friday is crunch time.
Friday is finish all the things.
I don't know how exhausted we'll be.
Saturday we'll be in Orlando at the Witched from 3:00 PM
to 7:00 PM for their holiday shopping.
That word nobody needs to say.
We're just gonna leave that, that e word alone.
Um, , if you are in Orlando, can get to Orlando
and want to be in Orlando on November 18th.
You can come join us. It's free to, uh,
come into the dungeon during that time.
Yeah. 3:00 PM to 7:00 PM Uh, you don't have to buy anything.
You can just browse. You can just pick up business cards.
Uh, you can just stop by and say hi to us.
Um, and then if you did wanna like, hang out at the dungeon
after the, the extravaganza, uh,
, you do have to pay for that.
'cause they'll have, like, they'll be open for play.
Um, and I got the email today.
We will be in the purple room.
And that feels correct.
- That that feels supposed apropos. Yeah.
- Supposed to be. That's where we're supposed to be. Yep.
Yep. So yeah. Friday night, live stream.
Saturday in Orlando. Mm-Hmm. . Yeah.
Sunday we collapse. Yeah.
Except we can't, 'cause then we start back up again.
It's fine. We signed up for this.
We decided we wanted this to be our life, so here we are.
Okay. Um, yeah, the topic.
Mm-Hmm. the things we think are simple
or f found to be simple.
Mm. The things that we have found or continue to find,
or they were at one time difficult.
Um, who is this for other than ourselves to,
to indulge ourselves?
Um, well, I thought
of two things when I thought of that today.
One, um, I kind for anybody who's newer, either to kink
or newly in a real a power exchange relationship,
I just wanna point out that some things are simple
and some things are still difficult regardless of
how long you've been doing this.
Mm-Hmm. . And to just normalize that
because I think, you know, there are a lot of people
who are like, okay, I'm kinky.
That's great. I figured myself out. Okay.
I'm in the kind of relationship I wanna be.
Wait, I thought this would be easy.
I thought my life would be easier
because I figured this out about myself.
Mm-Hmm. . And of course it's not true,
but sometimes we need the reminder.
And then this one's also for people like us
who are maybe in longer term power exchange relationships
or have been in kink for a while,
and you just wanna get like brutally honest
and a bit vulnerable with one another.
Maybe it's a conversation starter for you
and a partner to like, talk about
the things, whatever the things may be.
Mm-Hmm. . So, um, okay.
I'm gonna, because I talk way too much
and, uh, overpower all conversations
with you, at least with people.
I'm comfortable with .
Uh, you go first, uh, simple
or difficult, whatever, whatever
- You wanna do.
Uh, this is gonna be a combo. Oh, okay. Okay. Right.
Um, you said it earlier, uh, about finding yourself
and understanding, you know, that you have a, a place in,
in the BDSM world.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, once I did that, yeah.
A lot of things became much easier. Mm-Hmm.
, because I, I kind of, you know, at
that point knew who I was.
Mm-Hmm. , um, knew I was not alone in
what I liked because I did realize there was a community out
there of people doing all various forms of this thing.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. .
So, um, you know, it, it, it,
it was nice to figure that out.
And you're right, it did seem easy at that point,
but, uh, did not know about the journey that lay ahead
- .
Oh, you mean it wasn't easy every second thereafter,
once you figured yourself out, it wasn't
- Just easy street.
No, no, no, no, no. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
so much to learn. Mm-Hmm.
, uh, so much to think about.
So much to, you know, you, you think you've found yourself,
you understand who you are,
but there's so much nuance to that.
- Yeah. Oh yeah, for - Sure. All right.
You know, uh, what kind of pain giving do I like?
What kind of dom am I, you know,
how do I hand, what do I do?
How do, what's this, what's that?
You know, learning how to throw a flog
or, you know, even the intricacies of,
of hitting someone with a paddle.
Sure. You know, it's not so, you know. Yeah.
It, it, it, it seemed like when I discovered who I was
and what I, you know, where I kind of
fell into the community, you know,
that just kind of clicked.
Mm-Hmm. . But, uh, yeah.
After that, oh, the work. Oh, the work that comes with that.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It, uh,
it's not like you just figure it out
and go, okay, I'm done now. No,
- No, no, - No, no.
You're just getting started at that point.
- . And, and, you know, I, I mean, I was kinky
back when I was in my twenties.
Mm-Hmm. . I, I knew I was kinky then.
I did kinky shit , um, you know,
didn't know there was a community
and, you know, been doing this now community, you know,
in knowing the community since the, uh, mid 90 ish.
And, uh, still here I am learning more
and finding out more about myself.
- Was there anything that you've learned,
whether it's techniques or skills or kinks
or whatever, were there any
that felt like they came to you easily?
And were there any
that were just really hard for you to learn?
- Um, oof. Some things came easily.
Um, the spanking aspect of it. Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
That came really easy. Excuse me.
Um, no big surprise. I'm, I like impact play.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, um, it,
it took me a little bit to, um, get used
to using a vlogger Mm-Hmm.
. That, that was something I, uh, had
to work at and still do.
I don't practice as much as I, yeah.
Like, do you know, there was a time I,
I used a vlogger quite a bit
and, you know, they say it's like a riding a bicycle,
you know, just gotta get your feet back onto you
and you know, you're good to go again.
But it's, it's been a hot minute. And
- I, yeah, maybe that's true.
I, and maybe that's true for most people.
Maybe that that is a true feeling for you.
But from observation,
I can always tell when it's been a while
since you picked up a blogger.
Yeah. Because even the, the simple stuff. Yeah.
You, you're right in there. Mm-Hmm. .
It might take you a minute to get
your bearings, but then you're right in there.
But when you try sometimes to do things that we did maybe
early days of our kink life, I can feel it
and I can feel when you're out of that rhythm,
and then the moment you hit that rhythm,
I'm like, okay, there he is.
Yeah. And depending on what it is,
that takes sometimes a little bit
of time to get back into it.
Sometimes it takes a lot of time. Mm-Hmm. .
Mm-Hmm. . Um, so since you started there,
we started at the beginning.
I'll start at the beginning as well. , um, easy.
And I always feel a little like outta touch with other, um,
female sicknesses when I say this,
because a lot of people I've met had to deal with
feelings that I just didn't.
And it's easy. It was easy to accept that I amive Okay.
Once I figured out that that was a thing. Mm-Hmm.
, um, like I didn't know I was kinky.
And then I started reading Kinky things,
and then I went, oh, well maybe I'm kinky .
- Okay. - And,
and I was drawn
to everything I read about submission at the time.
I ended up, I don't know how I managed to do this.
I ended up mostly reading
and seeing things that spoke to me.
Like I didn't see anything that I went,
Ew, no, that's not for me.
Mm-Hmm. . I was like, oh, yeah, that, that,
that fantasy sounds great.
And that, and I don't, maybe it was
because it all felt like a fantasy to me.
And I can suspend disbelief in a, in a lot of ways.
See the shit I read I can.
Um, so what I was drawn to all of it,
and once I sort of figured out what
being submissive could mean Mm-Hmm.
. And at the time I thought that
what I had learned was the definition.
I know better now. It's much more nuanced.
Uh, that was the easiest thing to accept about myself.
Like I've said this many times over the years,
it felt like a puzzle piece clicking into place.
I didn't, I don't remember really dealing with a lot of,
like, shame about, you know, misogyny and patriarchy
and what does this mean for me as a woman,
and does this mean I'm not a feminist?
Like, at that, none of that really was a thing
that I focused on.
I went, whew. Okay. I'm submissive.
And that explains a lot, a lot, a lot about
how I have lived my life up to now.
Okay. That, like, that was just so,
I don't always relate when, when people talk about the angst
that they went through and the shame that they Mm.
Like, I didn't have any of that.
The hard, the difficult thing was accepting my,
what I call my baby girl side.
Like I, huh.
That part of me, I've always defined it as being a,
in the realm of being a little,
without being like a classic little Mm-Hmm.
. And that was very hard to accept.
Uh, back when I was blogging, I blogged a lot
of fantasy fiction stuff about it to sort of, I think,
test out how I felt, what it might be like. But I didn't
- Kind of dip your toes in the water, so
- To speak.
Right. I kept sort of denying, no, I'm not like,
you called me a baby girl, girl and that fit.
And I was like, yes, I'm mm-Hmm. .
But when I thought about what that meant for me
and what that was harder to accept Mm-Hmm.
. And I didn't, I don't know if I felt any
sense of shame over it, but I ha I, I think it's
because my baby girl side is my most vulnerable side.
It is the side of me that is playful. Mm-Hmm. .
And the side of me that will show my emotions
other than anger or will.
Yeah. I wear, you know, the, my, the softer side of me, the,
the side of me that cries and pouts the side of me
that giggles and plays.
That's, that's my squishy tender
internal gut self.
Um, and that was, that was very hard to come to terms
with and accept for myself.
You know, it took me in as I was figuring out I was kinky.
It was like a rapid, like domino effect. Okay.
I'm into this, I'm into this. Mm-Hmm. .
I'm like that. And I just all sort of fell.
And so when I say it took a long time, I mean
that comparatively like within like a week
or two of understanding
that submission was a thing and you could do it.
Right. I was like, yep, that's me. That's easy. Got it.
Got it. Got it. And then it was like, oh, do I like pain?
Why? I think I do. Oh, do I like kinky sex?
Definitely rough sex. Sure. Mm-Hmm.
, this sounds hot and that sounds hot. Great.
And it was, it was a domino effect.
And then we got to baby girl and it just stopped.
And it was like, it was weeks. It wasn't like forever.
Mm-Hmm. . But it was, it, it was a while
before I accepted that side of myself.
Um, and these days, the way that translates is I accept all
of that about myself, but the part of me,
most people are unlikely to ever see it outside
of certain spaces, is the baby girl side that Mm-Hmm.
Now I got trust issues. You don't get
to see my soft underbelly that easily.
Nope. Nope, nope. Nope. Mm-Hmm
- Mm-Hmm.
You're not, you're not like Lola.
You're gonna roll over and ask for belly
- Rubs.
I mean, if I do for somebody other than you,
then the vibe is clearly perfectly correct. ,
- - And I, I haven't, I haven't come across
that perfectly correct vibe ever, but yeah.
Yeah. No, yeah.
To, for me to be that way to somebody. Mm-Hmm.
that's a trust thing. So Yeah. Okay.
That one's still difficult. Okay. You go next.
- Okay. Um, I would've to say even
after all this time, it's something I still have to
make a conscious effort to work at.
Mm-Hmm. is communication.
- Mm. - Yeah. In, in some, some aspects. . Yes.
Um, we, we have very clear communication on many things.
Mm-Hmm. . And then there are things
that I tend to hold back on.
- I know as the one who has to yank them out of you.
. Like, there's no, I don't
gently pull them out of 'em. I have to piss
- Them off, is what I have to do. It's pulling teeth.
- Yeah. Yeah. I have to, I I have learned I have
to wait you out and then it either has to get so bad
that you just can't stand it, or I have to get so annoying.
Mm. That you just can't stand it. Yeah.
Either way, there's something he can't stand
and I can get him to talk.
- Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. .
I mean, it, it's weird in a sense
because I am more vulnerable, vulnerable
with you Mm-Hmm.
And open about things with you than anybody Sure.
Than I've been in my entire life. Right. Absolutely.
I agree. And, and yet there are still things that I, i,
I struggle with in that because
- Trauma's a bitch.
Okay. . . I'm
- Just, yeah. I mean, it's,
- It cracks me up in, in a way that's sort of that confused,
crack up, like confused humor of what the fuck
that there are times you'll say, oh,
I thought you would see me differently.
I thought you would not like to know that. Mm-Hmm.
. I, and I'm like, who are you
fucking talking to?
I have accepted every side of you that you've ever shown.
Why do you think this one little sliver is the thing that,
that would be what would stop me?
. But trauma's a bitch. That's what it's so Yeah.
Like, yeah. You, okay? So apparently I'm just copying you.
I'm trying to think. Mm-Hmm. . Is there
anything Communication has not been easy
because of trust issues.
Mm-Hmm. . And yet, because I feel safe with you
and I feel like I can kind of tell you anything
it has become like, it is simple.
When I'm ready to communicate.
- Oh yeah. You're
- Gonna know what I have to say.
It's the getting ready to,
it's the feeling comfortable enough with you.
I pretty sure there are times you wish I'd shut up.
Uh, 'cause when I hold back, it's not
because I worry it's very rarely
because I worry you won't like what I have to say.
Mm-Hmm. . Or it's because I know
that you won't, like what I have to say ,
and I just don't want the conflict,
but in the act of just telling you what the fuck I think,
or what I need or what Mm-Hmm.
what I'm feeling that has
become easier over time.
But on some levels was always easy
because clear communication
and making sure that I am understood
and that I understand you.
I mean, that's not a kink,
but it's kind of like, it's my thing.
Like it's the thing that makes me feel the best.
It's, I often find it challenging to figure out
how I want to express myself,
but the freedom to express myself.
Mm-Hmm. has become very simple.
Like, I can't, I forget that there are
people in my life sometimes
that I would never be that open with.
And it's, and I forget it because you
and I spend so much time together,
and I'm reminded when I'm with those people
and I'm like, I have no desire to tell them anything.
I don't, I don't know what that facial expression means.
I don't know what that tone means. I don't know their moods.
I don't know their this and yet Mm-Hmm. .
I always have an overwhelming desire to make sure
that I am understood to the point
that I'm definitely an over explainer.
Yeah. It's why writing has, is a love of mine.
But it's difficult because I don't know how to be concise.
Brevity is not my thing. Right? Mm-Hmm. .
Mm-Hmm. . So it's not,
I don't even know if simple or, or difficult
or is the right term for it.
It is freeing.
And I feel free to say to you what I need to say to you.
Gotcha. And I am
probably the only time I'm happier than when I get
to clearly communicate what I'm thinking.
And, and we have that give and take. Mm-Hmm.
The only time I'm happier, I think is like when we're like
doing actual kink play,
because that then is a physical expression
of a communication of a give and take.
Yeah. Where I love the verbal give and take.
Like, you tell me all of your thoughts, dreams, hopes,
fears, let's get into it.
Can I do that with a complete and total stranger?
Only if the vibe is right.
And most of the time the vibe is not right. So yeah.
It's, it's a weird kind of easy and comp
and difficult, but Yeah.
Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. Hmm.
- Mm-Hmm. - Go. You go next.
- All right. Um, one things that's easy,
let's call it an easy thing.
Um, I, I think what, what I find easy,
and I'm grateful for this
because this is more of a kudo for you.
Um, you know, I don't have to te
to chase after you to do your
tasks or anything like that.
Jesus. God, no. You, you are, that's a bad day to do.
Are you are, you are wonderful about doing everything.
And that's something I don't even have to really
- Actually get offended when you have
to feel like you have to ask and check out.
Like, who do you think you're talking to? . Yeah.
- And, and you know, for the, for the most part. Yeah.
I, I don't have to have that, that push
and pull struggle with you to do things.
And yet, on the other hand too, we do have our moments
where, you know, the, the,
the sass is strong in this one. Look,
- The shit will get done, but I might have
an attitude while I'm doing it.
is all I'm saying .
- So, you know, I, I am, I am very grateful.
And, and that is, um, an easy aspect. Mm-Hmm.
of, of who we are
and where we are. Mm-Hmm. ,
- You know, it's funny.
I, the good, the, the desire
to be the good girl is very strong.
Um, Mm-Hmm. , the desire
for approval is very strong.
And I think there's some room there to like really dissect
that and go, , I don't want to my life.
I'm happy with my life. I could, I don't want to.
Um, so I recognize that I'm approval seeking.
I seek validation. I like that too. Yeah.
Um, also, uh, is it the way I was raised? Is it the trauma?
Is it the generational thing? I don't know.
But my work ethic is strong. Mm-Hmm. .
If I agree to do the thing
and I'm on board with doing the thing,
- You're gonna do it.
- I'm gonna do the thing. I'm dragging ass to get it done.
I am pissed about everything I've still have to do,
but I will get it done.
Um, but then there's, when I have the mental space
to remember why I do anything I do, there is that sort
of softer place of I do this
because he tells me to, I do this
because this is the power exchange.
I do this 'cause it makes him happy.
I do, like, I don't actually sit, spend a lot of time in
that part of the head space.
Mm-Hmm. . Because so much
of it is rote and routine.
And I'm also very routine oriented and crave routine.
I'm, right now life is blown up
and I'm like completely on edge.
Yes. And frankly, the routine
of here are the expectations you have for me.
It, it actually makes things a little bit easier.
It's like, this is my constant.
This is the thing I know I need
to do, and I know why I do it.
Mm-Hmm. . And I know he wants me to do it.
And, and this is not changing
while everything else around me is.
Yeah. And so it's actually a, that makes,
does it make life easier?
But it, it helps me kind of stay sort of steady.
'cause I can count on that. Um, not gonna lie,
I don't spend a lot of time thinking about my why.
'cause I just, there's so much Mm-Hmm. .
But when I can, yeah.
It's a nice little soft, comfy feeling. Okay.
Speaking of stuff I do
and the actual power exchange on, on that level,
I'll tell you a hard thing.
I have several hard things. I don't know if
I'll remember them all, but I have several.
One is when I have to ask
for help, I'm getting better.
- You are. You - Are. But I struggle with it. Mm-Hmm.
part of it is we go back to, is it the trauma?
Is it generational? Is it whatever? Mm-Hmm.
where I just do the damn.
Is it, you know, I just do the damn
thing and I don't ask for help.
We just, I just get it done. Yeah.
Um, also, I think sometimes
I still have that thing of, well, I'm, I'm the service sub.
I'm supposed to do these things,
and if I'm asking for help to get them done, then
how am I serving?
Right? Like, I, I have that.
Um, and I try to be very judicious with, when I ask
for your help, because I,
this I'm sure is related to childhood trauma.
I do not want to come across as, um,
not pulling my weight, not doing enough, not,
you know, leaning on you too much.
Now do I know intellectually I can lean on you as hard
as I need to because we're real good at going.
Okay. I'll take it. I'll take it.
Hey, I can't, you, you can't lean quite this hard.
I can't, we're we're good about holding those boundaries.
Um, but,
um, I'm stopping what I'm saying
because, uh,
everything has stopped.
Yes. Okay. Podcast listeners.
Something has gone wrong with the live stream,
so I'm gonna fill dead space while
JB figures it out.
Um, let's see what happens.
Says we are live streaming. I don't know what's happening.
Um, we are
trying to figure it out.
Um, thank you for your patience.
You gotta love, uh,
you gotta love these technical glitches, right?
Yeah. It says, let's see, it says we're still there.
Um, I don't know what's happening. Okay.
I think we might be back. All right. Okay. Okay.
And of course, I lost my train of thought.
Now , and I don't know
what the last thing was the livestream folks heard,
but I will say, if there, if this doesn't make sense,
you should check out the podcast on Friday.
about minute, I don't know,
20, 25, somewhere in there.
. Oh God. I love technical difficulties. Okay.
So the thing I struggle with Mm-Hmm.
is asking for help. Yes. I've gotten better.
You have, I, um, I used to be much, much worse,
but I have all these reasons why it's still
hard for me to ask for help.
And I'm, I don't wanna call it a trust thing
because I do trust you,
but I have so little experience with
receiving help when I ask for it.
Mm. That the thing I don't trust is not you.
It's that I'll ask and it'll be too much,
or it there won't be follow through
or, you know what I mean?
Yes. And it's weird because I trust you
and I don't trust the action
of asking, but I'm getting better. It's not easy.
- Mm-Hmm. You - Are. I'm getting better.
I asked you to do something for me yesterday,
and it was such a weird feeling.
I was like, I know if I just waited like five more minutes,
I could do this thing, but I also have these other things.
And if I just ask him to do this, then it's done.
And I don't have to think about it
- Anymore.
You asked me to do something for you this morning. Right.
- I know I'm getting better. But it is very difficult.
. It is very, very difficult.
Um, another thing that is easier than it used to be. Mm-Hmm.
, but is still difficult, um, is, uh,
having to tell you, I can't do something.
Having to say, um, I know I agreed to do this,
but here's what's going on.
Or Mm-Hmm. , Hey, I know you want to do this.
I don't wanna do that.
Sometimes I find that easy when the conversation is light
and we're, we're kind of bullshitting one another
and we're being sassy, you know, whatever, whatever.
And we're being playful and you'll mention a thing.
And it is very easy for me to go, no, no, not, no, not,
um, but when it's a serious ask,
and I, I'm like, I can't, I have my reasons.
And it's not usually hard limit stuff.
It might be the, it's not in the level of hard limit stuff,
but it's in the level of I know myself and I can't do this.
He wants this and I can't, that is still difficult.
I don't think, based on who I am as a submissive, that
that will ever not be difficult.
Mm-Hmm. . Because I don't wanna disappoint you.
I want you to have everything you want to have.
That is what I want. Mm-Hmm. .
But I am thankfully, uh, self-aware enough
to know when sometimes I can't give the thing. Yeah.
- And see what's funny is that
I have a similar problem with you.
Okay. Asking you for help.
- Oh yeah. I know. You think you
should be able to do it all on your own. Okay.
- Yeah. Yeah. But I, I, I do that out of a sense of
my gosh, look at her.
She's juggling so many plates, doing
so many things already as it is.
How much more can I add onto that ?
- I mean, yeah.
It's hard because there are times if you were to ask me
for something, I feel like my head would explode
because I do still carry
leftover from previous
relationships left over from childhood.
I don't know. But definitely from previous relationships,
that feeling of I, that what I do is not always seen.
That the emotional labor is not seen,
the actual labor is not seen.
Now you Mm-Hmm. . I know that's not true.
I know you see me. Mm-Hmm. .
But I also know that because I do things I'm so used
to doing certain things, I probably make some things just
look easier than they are.
I just get the fuck on with it and just do it.
And so there are times that if you were to ask me
to do something, and it has happened where I've been like,
what the fuck are you even asking for?
Right? Yes. And yet,
and here's how this just makes life not at all easy for you.
There are times that if I figure out, you did not ask me
to do something upset, my feelings are so hurt.
Like, why did you not ask me to do the thing?
That's what I'm here for. Yes. Yes. Yes.
So basically you can't win. Right.
- . Yeah. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Right? Yes. Kind of. Yeah.
- Very true. Very true. Yeah. Yeah.
- . - So let's get into like kinky shit.
- Okay. - Something that was easy for me
that maybe at the moment I wasn't,
I'm sure I was a little nervous,
like the don't be scared little girl kind of nervous.
It was very, comparatively, I think
easy to accept being hit,
being tied up, being like, like,
especially feeling physical pain
and letting somebody else administer physical pain.
Mm. I don't remember.
Now, granted, I have the memory of a goldfish.
Thanks, perimenopause. Uh, and Neurodivergency, I'm sure.
But, um, I don't remember like doing a back
and forth with myself over what does this say about me?
Like, maybe I had a like a minute of that. Yeah.
But for me, it was like, this feels fucking good.
I've always liked this .
I can, I can
trace the line from this back to whatever I read
as a way too young to be reading smut kid.
And what I, you know, and the, the fantasies that I had
and the things that I thought about, like, I could tra I,
I don't, I don't know if I could go so far
to say I've always been kinky.
'cause I genuinely don't know. Mm-Hmm. .
But when I think of the things that I used to like daydream
and fantasize about, oh yeah.
There was definitely the, I don't have power. I'm helpless.
Oh no. kind of like, just from like, as a parent,
I would say of like, that's too young.
Like, what are you doing? Thinking of that?
But like, so I guess I was always kinky, maybe. Mm-Hmm.
. So when it came time to like, well, yes,
allow yourself to be hit by another human being
who can overpower you
and could hurt you, like actually hurt you.
For me, the fear was not of,
oh my gosh, I'm gonna allow that to happen.
It was more of the, oh, can I trust this person to do that?
Do that. Like, once I figured out what I was into
and kind of embraced it, I feel like to a certain extent,
I ran headlong into it.
Like, what all can we do? Forest orgasms?
Let's do forest orgasms, edging. Let's do edging.
hit me with a piece of wood. Go for it.
I'm here for it. .
But the difficult part for me is
that I've had to accept
it's less difficult now than it used to be.
And it's, these days it's only difficult when we're in a
moment, I can't always handle as much sensation, pain,
whatever as I want to, as I
and I, we should not should all over ourselves.
Mm-Hmm. . But as I think I should be able to,
whatever the fuck that means, um, as I used to be able to,
like, that can be difficult for me to sort
of go, I, I need it light.
I need it. This is too much. Right? Mm-Hmm. .
Because when I have, when we're in the, in mid scene,
and I have to tell you it's too much that is of,
even though you've never been,
and you've never made me feel this way, my littleness
of brain goes, I'm disappointing him.
And that's difficult. But I have the sense of enough sense
of self preservation that I don't let those feelings
override the, you cannot hit me with this anymore.
This is too much. I have to speak up. Mm-Hmm. .
Mm-Hmm. . I think part of that is
because I know myself well enough to know
that if I let you go too far,
because I was afraid to speak up, I would not be able
to let you do it again.
Because I'd be afraid of the thing
that I didn't stop in the first place.
Right. And that's a, that's a mean understanding who I am
and how I handle things.
So I do, I do find it difficult
to like, embrace the fact that
my ability to handle sensation is on a wide spectrum.
Mm-Hmm. . And that even though I will say it
like with my whole ass chest to somebody else,
that whatever sensation you like is enough, there's no,
like, we're not competing against one another.
There's no level of whatever sensation
that you're quote supposed to, like, that's all bullshit.
I would, I, I would believe it when I say it
to somebody else, but internally I'm like,
I wish I could handle more.
And why can't I? So Yeah.
Yeah. .
- Okay. Okay. Um, I, I have mentioned this
before in, in past podcasts, so I'm not gonna go into, uh,
two great detail,
but, um, I am gonna mention it, it deserves mention.
Okay. Um, when I
began discovering my sadistic side, um,
that was very in much conflict with how I was taught.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
And, and that, that was a, a very difficult thing to,
um,
um, overcome.
Mm-Hmm. , um, thankfully with the help of a,
a MAs sat down and, and talked to me
and explain what pain meant to them.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, I was able to come
to terms with that. Mm-Hmm.
- . Mm-Hmm. .
- So, and - I'm grateful for it, , Because while I
sometimes feel bad, even though nobody has ever
made me, certainly not you,
but I internally, I feel bad that I can't take all
that you would like to dish.
I'm glad that you are willing to dish
what I can take .
And hey, every once in a while we get that, like, that
once in a million scene where you're like, it's intense.
And I'm like, yeah, keep going. Keep going. So, Mm-Hmm.
. Mm-Hmm.
, you know, that's kind of nice.
Um, what's e what's been easy?
What's been hard? Ah, my brain is starting to draw a blank.
I know there are other things, but you know how Mm-Hmm.
. I get fuzzy. .
Can you think of anything? Um,
- I, I think one of the, the hardest things, um, for us,
and, and we're kind of in that little bit
of fluxx right now, as, as life has changed
for us, um, finding ways
to schedule kinky time.
- Yeah. That's a, um, a bit of a cycle
where sometimes it's really easy
and you're like, look at all this time.
And then sometimes you're like, when,
when the fuck is it supposed to happen?
Mm-Hmm. midnight on Tuesdays. Is that what
- We've got?
? Right, right, right, right, right, right.
- Yeah. There's also the difficulty of wanting
certain fantasies to play out certain scenes Mm-Hmm.
to do certain kinks.
Like the mind wants it,
and the body's like, bitch, sit down.
Nope. You do not get to have this . Yeah. Yeah.
Either right now or ever, but like, no. Mm-Hmm.
, you know, sometimes it's just the
practicalities of this kind of scene cannot be done
in the place that we have available based on sound,
based on access, based on money, like, whatever.
And sometimes it's, you know, there's a part
of me that, that sounds good.
Like yes. Mm-Hmm. bring it on.
But my mind goes, no, bitch, you can't do that.
You will traumatize yourself. Stop trying to do that. Um,
- Yeah.
Yeah. And I mean, one, one other thing,
and that this is more of a me thing, uh,
because, you know, you've know, you know,
and I've talked about many, many times
how much community means to me.
And you know, there, there has been a push in,
in our community here to, to do more things, to,
to bring more people in, to have more activities and,
and workshops and,
and, you know, access to, to play and things like that.
And I think that is an amazing thing. Mm-Hmm.
and, and happy to see it.
And, um, it has been difficult
because I have been wanting to be a part of that
because of how much I believe in the community.
And yet , uh, life being what life is.
- Yeah. - I, I, I just have not been able to, um,
- There's never enough time to do all the things
- You wanna do.
No, no. Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. No, not at all. Yeah.
- And I, I am sympathetic.
It's hard for me to empathize.
'cause I am happy being a couch goblin
who never leaves her fucking house.
Can, my food can be brought to me,
my drinks can be brought to me.
My, my toys can be brought to me.
I don't have to actually fucking leave.
What are we doing here? Mm-Hmm. .
Um, but I, you know, I, I wish you could have as much
of it as you want.
Um, the thing I struggle with that I find difficult is the,
is guilt the right word?
Maybe the feelings.
I feel that you want to be out there doing the things.
Mm-Hmm. . And I'm happy to send you,
but I know you want me with you, and I don't wanna be there.
- . Yeah.
- I, um, I, I often feel bad about that.
I wish that was easier, um, to get to the,
to be able to do the play party
that we did at the end of October.
You, we were told about it end of September,
early October. I can't remember.
- I think it might've been mid-September.
- Okay. You tried to gently bring it up to me
after we'd both seen the text and I had a meltdown.
Not like a full on, like the worst kind,
but I was not, I like, it was overwhelming.
And I went, I can't, I
can't even think about this right now.
Then we both pretended to ignore it
for like three weeks.
- Well, no, I knew if I brought it up after
- My initial - Reaction.
Yeah. You know, and, and tried to push it. Mm-Hmm.
you would just push back harder.
So my thing was, I'm, I'm just gonna step back. Mm-Hmm.
, she knows about it.
I I'm not gonna talk about it.
Not gonna put any pressure not, and,
and just see what happens.
Yep.
- I think we're having technical difficulties. Again,
- Again, hold - That thought.
You click some things if you need to. I'll be right back.
Podcast listeners.
- Okay. - There's,
- Yeah.
And I'm
- Okay.
- Okay. I am trying to like, shut things down.
So maybe we don't use quite so much bandwidth.
Are we just having an internet issue?
- Something's been going on
because starting last night I was having some minor
connectivity issues, minor issues
that were cropping up, up right back. Gotcha.
- You keep talking. Um, for - What it's,
- Yeah.
The, so with the play party, I, he had, we had
to not talk about it again for a few weeks.
And then I decided on my own that yes, I would do this
and I would do it because I wanted to have that moment
of connection with JB in, in a way that we cannot,
couldn't get anywhere else.
Um, and so I sort of had to swallow like all my,
my feelings about how scared I was
and uncomfortable and blah, blah, blah.
Because I wanted that more.
I wanted the connection with him more than I wanted
to stay home, I guess.
Um, and that is becoming more difficult, that over time
that has become more difficult.
Um, when we first got
together, maybe it was the new relationship energy.
Maybe it was because this is the only way
we can experience kink.
I don't, I don't know, maybe I was just still in my
mid thirties and life was easier.
I genuinely don't know.
But while I found it difficult to go out
and do things, I just could always do it if I needed to.
And these days I cannot always do it.
Like I, I would like to or need to or whatever.
Um, so yeah, that part has been
become more difficult over time.
Poor JB is in the background doing things
with bits and pieces of things.
I don't even understand .
I'm trying to like, fill the silence.
Um, there was something I was thinking about
that was still difficult for me,
but I, I can't, I've lost it.
I've lost it to the ether.
Um, that sucks.
I don't remember what it is. Y'all.
Um, I think conversations like this are, are
for me, are good for me because yeah.
I have to think about what's hard to do
and sort of have to face it when I would prefer not to,
but it's sort of a good reminder
that not everything is difficult.
So when I have to go through a period of li of time
where I'm like, everything feels hard.
Like, why does it feel hard to handle sensation?
Why does it feel hard to go to the play party?
Why does, why does it all feel hard?
Um, thinking about where it's been easy and,
and less hard, less difficult.
Um, that is like a confidence boost.
Talking about it with JB
and hearing him say, this is difficult for me
is validating.
And then I'm like, okay, now I'm not alone.
And that is, that is what I want.
I want, I want to not be alone in this.
I think most of us probably feel that way.
Um, I can't think
of anything else I would add.
Can you,
- Um, not really.
- Do you feel like you've said as much
as you wanna say on the topic?
Yeah, I think so. Just for the record,
he does have a mic, y'all.
He was just, he's walked away from it. .
It's not like the old days where I Yeah.
Like, you know, uh, loaded.
Now I think we're getting internet back.
I don't know what's gonna happen. I would say let's go into
a bonus section and if the live stream comes back up, great.
But at least you know, we, we've gone old school
and podcast listeners, you know, are not being shortchanged.
Uh, okay. So are, are you, are you good?
- I, I believe so. - I don't think that's my line.
I don't think I'm supposed to say that, but Okay.
We can do a bonus section.
- Are we good? - I don't know. I never know.
- Okay. Keep, keep it kinky on Ky
- Y'all and we'll see you next week.
We'll see you Friday night.
If you come to the live stream, assuming we
have internet connection.
- Yes, baby girl. - Can I talk to the crickets please?
- Okay. - Okay. Thank y'all.
Uh, are you more
or less grumpy than you were when we started?
- A little less. Okay.
- Good. I mean, I could see if you said more
because of the internet issues.
I would, I would respect that . I would go. Yeah.
Yeah. That makes sense. Makes sense.
Um, yeah, your, your grumpiness is due to stress.
That's technically a good stress, right? Yeah. Okay.
Just making sure. Just double checking. Mm-Hmm.
just, just doing the thing.
- Um, no, definitely good stress, but, you know. Yeah.
- Yeah. We are getting ready for the, the Orlando event.
Mm-Hmm. . Um,
and we, we always over prepare for it, which is,
I would rather be over-prepared than under-prepared.
Um, but we often have these like grand visions in our head
of what this is supposed to look like
and what we're supposed to bring Mm-Hmm.
And what we're supposed to have done. And
of course we then just give ourselves, uh, stress and work.
But we really are making headway.
I am surrounded right now by stacks of paddles that will go
with us to Orlando
and then whatever doesn't sell will pop
on the shop when we get back.
Mm-Hmm. that I'm actually overwhelmed
'cause you're like, here, I've brought you things here.
I have brought you things here. I've brought you things.
I'm like, oh, oh, now I have to do my part on them.
And it's like the finishing processes. Yep.
And I'm like, I don't have time.
Um, but I'm gonna have to fucking make time.
Uh, one of the, one of the things, um,
that we're making extra of,
'cause we need 'em for the holidays anyway,
are rough rider paddles.
Yes. And those are paddles where you,
they're wooden paddles,
but you have, um, hemp rope strung across them, right?
Mm-Hmm. to create sensation and, and wait.
And it's great. Anyway, the point I'm saying is we had
to order more rope for rough rider paddles
and the rope will not arrive until Friday according
to the current tracking.
Yeah. Um, which means during the live stream, you may,
if you attend, be watching JB run rope
, run your paddles.
And you may be watching me
fiddle with the last minute things.
I gotta put cords on things. I gotta tie things up.
I gotta put things on
boxes. I don't know what's gonna happen.
Um, so yeah. Yeah.
It's, it is a good kind of stress.
I'm excited about Saturday.
We say this every year that we do it, that we have to try
and keep our, uh, hopes for it, uh, realistic.
We don't wanna go in thinking it's gonna be like huge
and this and that and then be disappointed.
I would rather be surprised.
So we're trying to like, trying to play it down a little bit
and go, okay, we're gonna, we're just happy
with whatever happens and, you know, let's make our,
our, uh, what's it called?
Um, our entry feedback. There we go.
Let's make our gas money back.
Let's break even now, we'll call that a success,
but on the inside we're like, no,
let's sell out of everything.
That's why we're making all .
So Yeah. But yeah, I know you're right.
Now you're going through your mental list of
what you still need to work on
and what still needs to be finished. And
- I do. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's funny
because I think when he's not grumpy,
JB knows that I'm aware of that kind of stuff.
. So this morning when I was like, Hey, we need
to make a certain piece of content
before the month gets away from us
because we're, it's gonna get crazier after this week.
So we should do this now.
And I knew in my head that I wanted to do it in the morning
before we even streamed and recorded this podcast.
'cause that made the most sense. 'cause
we have busy afternoons.
Mm-Hmm. , JB did not
ask me if that's what I meant.
And I did not clarify to be fair.
But he got extra grumpy
'cause he thought I meant a different time than I meant.
And we had a miscommunication.
And it was only when my feelings got hurt, ,
we were able to work it out.
.
- Well see as of as of yesterday. Mm-Hmm. .
I had my day meaning today. Mm-Hmm.
of the recording mapped out in my head. Oh
- Yeah.
And I know that feeling when you,
you make a plan in your head for what it's
- Gonna be.
'cause I know we do, you know, the, the QQ and A video.
Mm-Hmm. . And then we do the live stream.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. And I was like, okay,
that affords me this amount of time in the morning
that I can do X some things.
Mm-Hmm. . And then afterwards I can go out in
the shop because we're not gonna have enough of these.
And if I don't get my off my ass and, and start and, and
- Your brain's spinning,
spinning, spinning. Right. Yeah. Yeah,
- Yeah.
You know, so, you know, I got some done of what I wanted
to do this morning, but not all of what I wanted
to do. Yeah. Prior.
- And yet you'll be happy when we're not scrambling
to do the thing later this month that we did today.
Yeah. Yeah. And it was fun. And you like relaxed. Mm-Hmm.
and you were a little less grumpy
- Kind - Of a little bit.
Yeah. There's a reason I call him a grumpy polar bear.
Often actually for anybody who's like,
where does that come from?
It comes from a meme. Okay. .
It's a meme we saw years ago of a polar bear,
slight walking across ice sliding with his, his neck
and head and chest on the ice.
And he's bent over.
I say he, I don't know, I don't know the gender of the,
the sex I should say of the polar bear,
but the polar bear is bent forward
and it back feet are what's moving this polar bear forward.
But it's a, uh,
what it's sliding across the ice on its chest,
neck, and head.
And, and the meme we saw was like me
before coffee or something like that.
Right. And I went, yeah, that is, that is you daddy.
- .
- And so we called that a grumpy polar bear.
And so now JB is a grumpy polar bear. Mm-Hmm.
often, often a grumpy polar bear . Yep.
So yeah. But we're getting through it and Mm-Hmm.
, if all goes well on Saturday in
Orlando, it'll be worth it.
Yes, of course. We will do that and, you know, uh, come home
and then turn around and get ready for Black Friday.
Mm-Hmm. , which is not just getting ready
for the kry, the kry.com, it is also getting ready
for our annual favorite toys and, and bits
and pieces episode.
Mm-Hmm. , which is a massive
episode every year.
Yeah. It's gotten smaller as we have tried less toys,
but I spend hours pulling the links
and making sure I know which items
and did we have reviews for them and when
- Yeah.
And it's ,
- So Yeah.
Um, I don't think I'm the only
masochist here is what I'm saying.
I really don't Mm-Hmm.
I don't think I'm alone in my masochism
because we do this to ourselves every year.
Every year. Yeah. Um, yep. So, yeah. Mm-Hmm. .
I, I don't, I guess that's it mostly
because we don't wanna be done
because we don't wanna have the tech issues,
but also we need to be done
because JB has a mental list he's trying to cross off.
Yes. He's got shit to do. Big time.
Uhhuh , Uhhuh . Mm-Hmm.
. Um, thanks
for being here with us. Y'all
- As always. Glad to have you.
- Yes, yes. Hopefully we have internet connection
for the Friday night live stream.
Mm-Hmm. . It's gonna be a bad day if we don't,
that's just say that.
Um, and so yeah, uh, hopefully if you can, we will
air quote, see you at the live Friday,
which is the day this episode comes out
Friday, November 17th.
Yeah. Um, if not, we'll talk to you next week.
Mm-Hmm, . Okay. Bye. Bye.