1 00:00:10,825 --> 00:00:12,525 - You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. 2 00:00:12,745 --> 00:00:15,045 Kay Lords. Here we're the one, the only, the, uh, 3 00:00:15,795 --> 00:00:18,965 looking supremely self satisfied with a little bit 4 00:00:18,965 --> 00:00:22,165 of a smug smirk on your face this morning. John Brownstone. 5 00:00:22,325 --> 00:00:25,005 - I don't understand what you could be talking about or why, 6 00:00:25,145 --> 00:00:27,085 or, you know, whatever. 7 00:00:27,405 --> 00:00:29,925 - I mean, we only woke up more tired than we went to sleep 8 00:00:30,065 --> 00:00:31,245 or went to bed feeling 9 00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:32,405 - That's true, that's true. 10 00:00:32,405 --> 00:00:34,805 - And it was worth every, - Every bit of it. Yeah. Every 11 00:00:34,805 --> 00:00:35,805 - Bit of it. 12 00:00:35,805 --> 00:00:38,045 And that's all we're gonna say about that . 13 00:00:39,115 --> 00:00:42,645 This week we're answering a question about the DSS 14 00:00:42,645 --> 00:00:44,885 that was planned while they were long distance. 15 00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:46,085 Mm-Hmm. versus 16 00:00:46,515 --> 00:00:50,085 what they have now that they're together. Ah, mm-Hmm. 17 00:00:50,125 --> 00:00:51,125 - . Mm-Hmm. . 18 00:00:51,155 --> 00:00:52,965 - Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast. 19 00:00:53,385 --> 00:00:56,125 Uh, if you are new here, we hope Kister like you have happy, 20 00:00:56,205 --> 00:00:57,445 healthy power Exchange relationships. 21 00:00:58,385 --> 00:00:59,685 If you enjoy this episode 22 00:00:59,705 --> 00:01:01,805 or are longer episodes that come out every Friday, 23 00:01:01,945 --> 00:01:03,925 you can add the podcast to your favorite podcast app 24 00:01:03,925 --> 00:01:04,965 so you never miss an episode. 25 00:01:05,345 --> 00:01:08,045 And if you'd like us to answer your question in an episode, 26 00:01:08,185 --> 00:01:10,285 we have a contact page called Ask your Questions. 27 00:01:10,405 --> 00:01:12,325 I mean, it's pretty self-explanatory on our 28 00:01:12,325 --> 00:01:14,205 website@lovingbdsm.net 29 00:01:14,465 --> 00:01:16,565 and in the show notes for this episode. 30 00:01:17,025 --> 00:01:19,565 Um, yeah. So if you like us doing this 31 00:01:19,565 --> 00:01:21,605 and have your own question, feel free to submit. 32 00:01:22,155 --> 00:01:24,125 Okay. Let's get right into the question. All right. 33 00:01:24,515 --> 00:01:27,365 It's a long one. Ooh. So bear with me. Okay. 34 00:01:27,665 --> 00:01:29,685 Um, but the context was important 35 00:01:30,305 --> 00:01:32,325 and it actually gave me, 36 00:01:32,785 --> 00:01:34,565 me personally more thoughts than the 37 00:01:34,885 --> 00:01:36,165 specific questions themselves. 38 00:01:36,505 --> 00:01:37,965 - Oh, okay. - So, here we go. 39 00:01:38,845 --> 00:01:41,685 I 30 female have always been really into kink, even 40 00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:45,205 before I knew what kink was when I met my husband, 45 male, 41 00:01:45,325 --> 00:01:47,725 I was delighted to find he was just as kinky as me, 42 00:01:48,365 --> 00:01:50,165 opposite sides of the slash even the D 43 00:01:50,165 --> 00:01:53,085 to my s We were in a long distance relationship 44 00:01:53,145 --> 00:01:55,365 for six years until I could move to his state. 45 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:58,285 After we got engaged, the distance worked out for me 46 00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:00,045 because I didn't wanna have sex till we were married. 47 00:02:00,065 --> 00:02:01,765 And I had a pretty rigorous school schedule, 48 00:02:01,775 --> 00:02:03,565 which would've hindered having a consistent 49 00:02:03,565 --> 00:02:04,605 day-to-Day relationship. 50 00:02:05,115 --> 00:02:07,605 When we could talk, we were always discussing scenes he had 51 00:02:07,605 --> 00:02:09,405 done and stuff he wanted to do with me. 52 00:02:10,085 --> 00:02:11,165 I loved all his photos 53 00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:12,925 and stories from his time in the scene. 54 00:02:12,985 --> 00:02:15,485 He had been in it since he was 19, so he had a ton. 55 00:02:15,875 --> 00:02:18,125 When I did finally move in, I was disappointed 56 00:02:18,125 --> 00:02:19,605 that kink wasn't a big factor 57 00:02:19,605 --> 00:02:21,285 of our in real life relationship. 58 00:02:21,545 --> 00:02:23,445 Pretty much non-existent actually. 59 00:02:23,775 --> 00:02:25,685 There was a lot going on in the world at the time. 60 00:02:25,815 --> 00:02:27,445 Covid had pretty much locked us down 61 00:02:27,585 --> 00:02:29,245 inside the week after I moved in. 62 00:02:29,625 --> 00:02:31,245 And there was a ton to be stressed about. 63 00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:35,205 I felt guilty wanting this meaning kink. Mm-Hmm. 64 00:02:35,245 --> 00:02:36,765 out of our already trial 65 00:02:36,825 --> 00:02:40,925 by fire in-person relationship near the end of 2020. 66 00:02:41,405 --> 00:02:43,165 I felt like we were in a stable enough moment 67 00:02:43,165 --> 00:02:45,525 to bring up the glaring lack of kink in our life. 68 00:02:46,225 --> 00:02:49,245 He told me that kink to him was more of a sexual thing, 69 00:02:49,465 --> 00:02:51,765 and he was looking forward to exploring that with me. 70 00:02:51,765 --> 00:02:55,045 When we got married, I was a little taken aback since he is 71 00:02:55,085 --> 00:02:57,085 a big proponent in the community, 72 00:02:57,085 --> 00:02:58,685 that kink isn't inherently sexual. 73 00:02:59,305 --> 00:03:01,485 And when we were in a long distance relationship, 74 00:03:01,585 --> 00:03:05,125 we had some really fun, really sexy text role plays going. 75 00:03:05,605 --> 00:03:07,565 I didn't think it was crazy to continue that, 76 00:03:07,565 --> 00:03:09,245 even though we were now in the same room. 77 00:03:09,885 --> 00:03:11,285 I was thankful for the clarification, 78 00:03:11,305 --> 00:03:13,845 and it certainly made sense why he wasn't pushing kink when 79 00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:15,085 we became in real life. 80 00:03:15,705 --> 00:03:17,925 We ended up getting married at the end of 2022, 81 00:03:18,305 --> 00:03:19,605 and still no kink really. 82 00:03:19,965 --> 00:03:21,205 I would bring it up from time to time. 83 00:03:21,205 --> 00:03:23,965 Over the next year, it was always met with, I'm sorry, 84 00:03:24,145 --> 00:03:25,405 I'm really stressed out from work. 85 00:03:25,585 --> 00:03:26,605 He works constantly 86 00:03:26,625 --> 00:03:28,965 and his work is really important and really stressful. 87 00:03:28,965 --> 00:03:31,605 So I get it. There is a lot more to our relationship, 88 00:03:31,715 --> 00:03:33,525 obviously, that makes me so, so happy. 89 00:03:33,985 --> 00:03:35,605 But at the back of my mind, I can't help 90 00:03:35,605 --> 00:03:37,005 but feel a little led on 91 00:03:37,025 --> 00:03:39,405 by the fantasy we created together when we were in a 92 00:03:39,405 --> 00:03:40,565 long distance relationship. 93 00:03:41,125 --> 00:03:42,325 I know there's a glaring difference 94 00:03:42,325 --> 00:03:44,845 between reality versus fantasy that comes into, 95 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,405 you know, life with someone else. 96 00:03:46,985 --> 00:03:49,445 But when six of the nine years we have been together, 97 00:03:49,575 --> 00:03:51,605 we're building the foundation of what was going 98 00:03:51,605 --> 00:03:53,605 to be a 24 7 DSS relationship. 99 00:03:54,125 --> 00:03:56,925 I know I'm not the asshole for wanting it. Good for you. 100 00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:59,605 Mm-Hmm. in our latest conversations about it, 101 00:03:59,605 --> 00:04:01,965 because, you know, I've been communicating this whole time, 102 00:04:02,385 --> 00:04:05,045 it seems more and more like he has lost his confidence 103 00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:06,565 as a dominant and is so fatigued 104 00:04:06,565 --> 00:04:07,845 with all the decisions he has to make. 105 00:04:07,845 --> 00:04:11,325 Daily kink is unfortunately feeling more like an obligation 106 00:04:11,325 --> 00:04:14,405 than a desire, which he feels insanely guilty about since 107 00:04:14,405 --> 00:04:15,485 he knows it's what I want. 108 00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:19,125 I've, and I've waited so long to take part in it all this 109 00:04:19,145 --> 00:04:21,405 to ask, do you have any advice on how 110 00:04:21,405 --> 00:04:23,525 to ease into roles when the head wants it, 111 00:04:23,525 --> 00:04:24,525 but the body is tired? 112 00:04:25,185 --> 00:04:26,605 Any advice for dominant burnout 113 00:04:26,785 --> 00:04:29,605 and any advice for leveling expectation versus reality? 114 00:04:29,865 --> 00:04:32,365 We have established this is actually something we want 115 00:04:32,365 --> 00:04:35,005 to seriously prioritize going forward in our relationship, 116 00:04:35,215 --> 00:04:38,405 since it's something we both still find incredibly hot. 117 00:04:39,205 --> 00:04:41,445 - Hmm. - Wow. I have thoughts 118 00:04:41,705 --> 00:04:46,325 and I don't know how anybody else hearing this situation 119 00:04:46,325 --> 00:04:47,325 and the questions Mm-Hmm. 120 00:04:47,365 --> 00:04:51,085 might feel, but the thoughts I had had nothing 121 00:04:51,265 --> 00:04:54,445 to do with the questions that were ultimately asked. 122 00:04:54,945 --> 00:04:56,365 The initial thoughts. Yeah. 123 00:04:56,665 --> 00:04:59,005 Um, but, you know, I can go on a rant. 124 00:04:59,005 --> 00:05:00,085 So, Mm-Hmm, , let's, 125 00:05:00,085 --> 00:05:01,725 let's let you go first. . 126 00:05:02,265 --> 00:05:05,245 - Um, I, I think what stood out to me 127 00:05:05,915 --> 00:05:09,805 more than anything in this was the fact that there was 128 00:05:10,705 --> 00:05:13,525 so much kink going on in the ldr R mm-Hmm. 129 00:05:13,565 --> 00:05:15,445 . Mm-Hmm. . Okay. 130 00:05:15,945 --> 00:05:20,085 And then when they were in real life, nothing. Nothing. 131 00:05:20,405 --> 00:05:22,125 - I know. - Nothing that, that, 132 00:05:22,475 --> 00:05:24,365 that just like blows my mind. 133 00:05:24,845 --> 00:05:28,205 - I know. And then the, I think the part 134 00:05:28,275 --> 00:05:30,765 that bothers me the most about that part, 135 00:05:30,785 --> 00:05:33,445 and there's a lot that bothers me about that part, is 136 00:05:33,445 --> 00:05:36,165 that then now we have a submissive who's going, oh, well, 137 00:05:36,325 --> 00:05:39,365 I had this expectation of what it would be like, 138 00:05:39,425 --> 00:05:40,925 but that's not matching with reality. 139 00:05:40,925 --> 00:05:42,645 Mm-Hmm. good on you for noticing. 140 00:05:43,065 --> 00:05:45,325 But it's almost like they, they seem 141 00:05:45,325 --> 00:05:46,525 to almost feel a little, 142 00:05:47,525 --> 00:05:49,205 I don't know if guilt if I'm reading too much into it 143 00:05:49,205 --> 00:05:50,525 by feeling guilty about it 144 00:05:50,525 --> 00:05:52,485 because they admit that they feel let on. 145 00:05:52,585 --> 00:05:54,845 And I feel like you were let on too, just 146 00:05:54,845 --> 00:05:56,285 to be, to be honest, that 147 00:05:56,285 --> 00:05:57,285 - Yeah. 148 00:05:57,285 --> 00:05:58,565 - But we're not talking, like, 149 00:05:58,565 --> 00:06:02,605 when we talk about reality versus fantasy, we tend 150 00:06:02,605 --> 00:06:05,765 to be talking about, okay, you imagine you'll be naked 151 00:06:05,785 --> 00:06:07,845 and on your knees and collared more 152 00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:09,045 often than not during the day. 153 00:06:09,045 --> 00:06:10,405 Mm-Hmm. . But actually you have to go to work, 154 00:06:10,405 --> 00:06:12,685 pay bills, or take care of a house or take care of kids, 155 00:06:12,745 --> 00:06:14,005 or whatever your life looks like. 156 00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:18,685 Um, this is, you spent six years 157 00:06:19,365 --> 00:06:20,405 building a relationship 158 00:06:20,545 --> 00:06:24,245 and creating expectations for what you both wanted 159 00:06:24,795 --> 00:06:26,765 with no word from the other 160 00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:29,725 that this wasn't going to happen Right. 161 00:06:29,725 --> 00:06:32,285 When you moved in. If you didn't feel led on, 162 00:06:32,525 --> 00:06:34,125 I would be more concerned about you. 163 00:06:34,125 --> 00:06:35,405 Mm-Hmm. quite frankly. Mm-Hmm. . 164 00:06:35,865 --> 00:06:39,445 Um, because that to me is the crux of the issue. 165 00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:42,485 And I'm happy to answer the questions she asks. 166 00:06:42,685 --> 00:06:44,045 'cause they're good questions. Yeah. 167 00:06:44,345 --> 00:06:47,445 I'm more concerned that she's the one seeking out these 168 00:06:47,445 --> 00:06:50,565 answers as to how to help her dom, who has not 169 00:06:52,075 --> 00:06:54,685 done much based on this account when it, 170 00:06:54,685 --> 00:06:56,165 for the past three years to help himself. 171 00:06:56,275 --> 00:06:57,925 - When, when it sounds like he's the one 172 00:06:57,925 --> 00:06:59,205 who needs to kind of, 173 00:06:59,625 --> 00:07:00,805 - He needs to get his shit together. 174 00:07:00,855 --> 00:07:03,045 Right. I mean, I I say respectfully. 175 00:07:03,525 --> 00:07:05,045 - I mean, you know, don't get me wrong, 176 00:07:05,245 --> 00:07:07,245 I understand having a stressful job, 177 00:07:07,245 --> 00:07:08,285 having a stressful life 178 00:07:08,285 --> 00:07:09,765 and all that. Absolutely. And it, but 179 00:07:09,785 --> 00:07:11,925 - It can interfere for sure. But 180 00:07:12,715 --> 00:07:16,125 - What changed that you had such an intense six 181 00:07:16,155 --> 00:07:17,245 year relationship. 182 00:07:17,305 --> 00:07:20,005 Mm-Hmm. that once it's in person, then all 183 00:07:20,005 --> 00:07:21,805 of a sudden everything is that much more. 184 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,725 - Right. And so, you know, a couple of details here 185 00:07:24,725 --> 00:07:27,565 that kind of feed into that and make a little bit of sense. 186 00:07:27,625 --> 00:07:29,045 So, Mm-Hmm. , she's like, okay, 187 00:07:29,125 --> 00:07:30,605 I don't wanna have sex until we get married. 188 00:07:30,795 --> 00:07:33,365 Cool. Yeah. That's, that's totally like your thing. 189 00:07:33,625 --> 00:07:34,845 And he's like, and I like the 190 00:07:34,845 --> 00:07:35,885 fact that he's respecting that. 191 00:07:35,915 --> 00:07:40,285 Yeah. But once you've made that clear to your partner, 192 00:07:41,075 --> 00:07:44,405 they should then make clear to you, oh, well, for me, the, 193 00:07:44,625 --> 00:07:48,485 the kink, uh, that I want to participate with in, with you 194 00:07:49,145 --> 00:07:50,405 is sexual in nature. 195 00:07:50,505 --> 00:07:53,325 So if we're not having sex, what do we do in the meantime? 196 00:07:53,325 --> 00:07:55,565 Yeah. And that from this account, now granted, 197 00:07:55,665 --> 00:07:57,085 we only get one side of the story. 198 00:07:57,085 --> 00:07:58,085 Mm-Hmm. . I can get that. 199 00:07:58,585 --> 00:08:01,885 But where's the conversation on his end as the dom going? 200 00:08:02,345 --> 00:08:04,045 Oh, okay. So this is easy. 201 00:08:04,075 --> 00:08:06,685 This is the fantasy and what we do, and we're long distance. 202 00:08:06,805 --> 00:08:08,045 'cause they're not actually, like, 203 00:08:08,445 --> 00:08:10,685 I would say maybe this person thinks they're not actually 204 00:08:10,685 --> 00:08:12,005 having sex long distance, 205 00:08:12,065 --> 00:08:14,885 but when there's sexual pleasure involved, I mean, I, 206 00:08:15,005 --> 00:08:16,005 I classify that as sex. 207 00:08:16,005 --> 00:08:17,765 That's just my personal definition. Mm-Hmm. . 208 00:08:18,105 --> 00:08:22,845 Um, but how does he not say, okay, all this sexy, 209 00:08:23,025 --> 00:08:26,045 fun time stuff that we're doing long distance, 210 00:08:26,705 --> 00:08:29,725 we are not gonna be able to do, I won't want to do this 211 00:08:29,725 --> 00:08:32,365 with you until we can have sex. 212 00:08:32,365 --> 00:08:34,605 Yeah. 'cause this is how I want to experience it with you. 213 00:08:34,825 --> 00:08:38,165 That's a valid conversation to have had. 214 00:08:38,505 --> 00:08:41,165 And I'm giving side eye to a dom with 215 00:08:41,435 --> 00:08:44,565 that many years experience, not being able to have 216 00:08:44,565 --> 00:08:46,005 that conversation Right. 217 00:08:46,225 --> 00:08:48,845 Either, not thinking about it, which I don't know, 218 00:08:48,965 --> 00:08:51,525 I don't know this person or not being willing to, 219 00:08:52,145 --> 00:08:54,445 or what, thinking that if you never talk about it, 220 00:08:54,445 --> 00:08:56,005 your partner's not gonna notice 221 00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:58,045 that you're not having the kink experience 222 00:08:58,045 --> 00:09:01,005 that you both kind of built up in your minds 223 00:09:01,005 --> 00:09:04,405 and in your experience that clearly your submissive thought, 224 00:09:04,425 --> 00:09:06,445 Hey, when I move in, we're getting some of this. 225 00:09:06,785 --> 00:09:10,445 And now we're three years later. Mm-Hmm. 226 00:09:10,485 --> 00:09:13,085 - . Now - I wanna be 227 00:09:13,305 --> 00:09:14,605 as charitable as I can be. 228 00:09:15,285 --> 00:09:19,365 C-O-V-I-D fucked everybody over. Like Yes. Yes. 229 00:09:19,365 --> 00:09:22,365 Life was weird. It was stressful for the vast majority 230 00:09:22,365 --> 00:09:24,405 of people for a lot of different reasons. 231 00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,285 We don't know what his career is. Mm-Hmm. . 232 00:09:26,285 --> 00:09:29,125 And I could imagine if it was anything that had anything 233 00:09:29,125 --> 00:09:31,885 to do with medical stuff or legal stuff 234 00:09:32,065 --> 00:09:33,725 or any I could imagine Yeah. 235 00:09:33,735 --> 00:09:34,805 - Covid being or, or, 236 00:09:34,805 --> 00:09:36,965 or even anything to do with say, like, you know, 237 00:09:37,045 --> 00:09:38,725 a grocery store or anything like that facing 238 00:09:38,725 --> 00:09:39,725 - Right. 239 00:09:39,725 --> 00:09:39,925 Anything you had to be public facing 240 00:09:40,465 --> 00:09:43,765 or if your health, like I can, the year of 2020 I think gets 241 00:09:43,765 --> 00:09:45,845 to be the lost year for many of us Yeah. 242 00:09:46,125 --> 00:09:48,765 'cause what was even life. Right. So I get that. 243 00:09:49,225 --> 00:09:52,885 But to get all the way to 2022 to get married, 244 00:09:53,575 --> 00:09:55,445 still not be having these conversations. 245 00:09:56,535 --> 00:09:58,405 She's doing the work, she's trying 246 00:09:58,405 --> 00:10:01,485 to have these conversations and to get to approximately now, 247 00:10:01,485 --> 00:10:03,045 like I, we've had this question in our inbox 248 00:10:03,045 --> 00:10:04,325 for a few weeks, so, you know Yeah. 249 00:10:04,325 --> 00:10:05,445 Timing and, you know Mm-Hmm. 250 00:10:05,485 --> 00:10:07,765 is a little wibbly wobbly where, oh, 251 00:10:07,905 --> 00:10:08,965 he wants this. 252 00:10:09,145 --> 00:10:12,365 And now we have other que like, how do I help him? Mm-Hmm. 253 00:10:12,405 --> 00:10:14,965 , ah, he's, he's, he's gotta help 254 00:10:14,995 --> 00:10:15,995 - Himself. 255 00:10:15,995 --> 00:10:16,565 He's gotta help himself. Yes. 256 00:10:16,675 --> 00:10:18,805 - Because I'm al I'm most concerned 257 00:10:18,805 --> 00:10:20,165 that all of this has gone on. 258 00:10:20,225 --> 00:10:23,285 And by all accounts, he has not sat her down 259 00:10:23,285 --> 00:10:25,685 and said, I have to have some hard conversations with you. 260 00:10:25,735 --> 00:10:26,845 Right. Right. 261 00:10:26,945 --> 00:10:28,605 And she's been asking for, 262 00:10:28,865 --> 00:10:32,245 and according to this account and leading into it Mm-Hmm. 263 00:10:32,285 --> 00:10:32,725 going, Hey, 264 00:10:32,725 --> 00:10:33,925 this is what we were supposed to do. 265 00:10:34,385 --> 00:10:37,165 And then, then one of her big questions is, how do I deal 266 00:10:37,165 --> 00:10:40,325 with my reality versus fantasy expectations? 267 00:10:41,105 --> 00:10:43,245 How could you not have had the expectation 268 00:10:43,385 --> 00:10:45,885 and you would be doing something once you moved in together? 269 00:10:45,985 --> 00:10:48,125 - And I'm, I'm gonna be kind of blunt on something. 270 00:10:49,225 --> 00:10:51,445 Um, I'm, I'm a little shocked that 271 00:10:51,575 --> 00:10:53,445 after they moved in together, 272 00:10:54,635 --> 00:10:56,525 that they were no longer long distance 273 00:10:57,105 --> 00:11:02,045 and all this started happening, um, you know, from context 274 00:11:02,185 --> 00:11:05,045 of reading, kink is an important part of her life. 275 00:11:05,225 --> 00:11:07,445 Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Okay. 276 00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:12,445 So I am, I'm a little shocked that even though things were 277 00:11:13,305 --> 00:11:18,205 far from what she had hoped them to be Mm-Hmm. 278 00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:20,645 , um, you know, expectation wise, um, 279 00:11:20,875 --> 00:11:22,165 that she even married him. 280 00:11:23,345 --> 00:11:27,005 - And, you know, and, and I, being an outsider, 281 00:11:27,125 --> 00:11:28,925 I can look in and go, oh, yeah, I'm, I'm surprised too. 282 00:11:28,965 --> 00:11:32,045 I agree with you. Having been in a relationship, several, 283 00:11:32,435 --> 00:11:35,805 several relationships over my life in different ways, 284 00:11:35,875 --> 00:11:36,925 both romantic Mm-Hmm. 285 00:11:36,965 --> 00:11:39,445 and just platonic where, you know, 286 00:11:39,445 --> 00:11:44,125 what this person is capable of, and you see their potential. 287 00:11:44,785 --> 00:11:48,045 Too many of us marry, get committed 288 00:11:48,045 --> 00:11:49,405 to have a serious relationship, 289 00:11:49,405 --> 00:11:52,685 however you wanna define it with potential instead 290 00:11:52,685 --> 00:11:53,765 of the person in front of us. 291 00:11:54,265 --> 00:11:58,365 And so, if there was still the thought 292 00:11:58,425 --> 00:12:00,485 and even the conversations that, oh yeah, 293 00:12:00,485 --> 00:12:01,685 we will, we will, we will. 294 00:12:01,785 --> 00:12:04,005 Mm-Hmm. , you know, it, 295 00:12:04,685 --> 00:12:05,885 I understand being hopeful. 296 00:12:06,205 --> 00:12:07,765 I understand going, I know who you are. 297 00:12:07,765 --> 00:12:10,485 I thought I knew who you were for six years. Okay. Yeah. 298 00:12:10,705 --> 00:12:13,045 Can we get back to that? I know exactly what you mean. 299 00:12:13,105 --> 00:12:16,845 And I think, and I, if I didn't have my own experiences, 300 00:12:16,965 --> 00:12:18,565 I think I'd be like, yeah, I, I don't get it 301 00:12:18,565 --> 00:12:19,605 either, but I do get it. 302 00:12:19,675 --> 00:12:20,805 Okay. I absolutely, 303 00:12:21,075 --> 00:12:22,845 that first time married potential 304 00:12:23,065 --> 00:12:24,165 not what was in front of me. 305 00:12:24,385 --> 00:12:27,445 And I go back to, and we said this in a previous, uh, q 306 00:12:27,445 --> 00:12:31,965 and a, where she is outlining all these 307 00:12:31,965 --> 00:12:33,125 things that are not good. 308 00:12:33,145 --> 00:12:35,445 Mm-Hmm. broken promises, essentially. Yeah. 309 00:12:35,445 --> 00:12:36,485 From my perspective. 310 00:12:37,025 --> 00:12:39,325 And then says, but everything else is so, so good. 311 00:12:39,545 --> 00:12:44,205 And I, maybe, maybe that is your life and only you know it, 312 00:12:44,345 --> 00:12:45,925 and I'm not gonna sit here 313 00:12:45,925 --> 00:12:47,445 and tell you that you're wrong about your life. 314 00:12:47,585 --> 00:12:50,645 But here's what I'm gonna tell you from just my experience. 315 00:12:51,315 --> 00:12:55,525 When a partner falls down on the job that hard 316 00:12:56,185 --> 00:13:00,885 in one area of life, it's just not that unusual for there 317 00:13:00,885 --> 00:13:02,205 to be other parts that they're not 318 00:13:02,205 --> 00:13:03,405 fulfilling their obligations. 319 00:13:03,515 --> 00:13:06,685 Yeah. If this was the biggest thing that brought you to one 320 00:13:06,685 --> 00:13:08,285 of the biggest things that brought you together 321 00:13:08,345 --> 00:13:10,925 and kept you connected in a long distance 322 00:13:10,925 --> 00:13:12,005 relationship Mm-Hmm. 323 00:13:12,045 --> 00:13:12,845 for six years. Mm-Hmm. 324 00:13:12,885 --> 00:13:13,925 . That's a long time. 325 00:13:14,035 --> 00:13:17,685 Yeah. It's, and that's like a, a, 326 00:13:18,825 --> 00:13:21,725 you know, there's a word I can't think of it. 327 00:13:21,755 --> 00:13:24,365 Like, there's just this, this is the, the defining thing 328 00:13:24,365 --> 00:13:26,365 of your relationship or one of them. 329 00:13:26,455 --> 00:13:28,965 Right. 'cause lots of things go into a relationship. Mm-Hmm. 330 00:13:29,005 --> 00:13:32,845 . And it's never happening in three years. 331 00:13:33,825 --> 00:13:36,765 All I can think is, okay, what other parts of your life are, 332 00:13:37,145 --> 00:13:38,685 is he not fulfilling commitments 333 00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:40,165 or is he saying that he's gonna do a thing 334 00:13:40,165 --> 00:13:41,325 and then it's not following through? 335 00:13:41,545 --> 00:13:45,005 And maybe those things are easier, you know, for a partner 336 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,365 to deal with or to pick up the pieces 337 00:13:46,585 --> 00:13:51,525 or to, you know, be kind and go, he's got a stressful job. 338 00:13:51,715 --> 00:13:54,965 He's got a stressful job. And I, okay. 339 00:13:55,145 --> 00:13:58,605 So I, over our years together, I have al always tried 340 00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:00,285 to give you a lot of grace when life 341 00:14:00,285 --> 00:14:01,405 has gotten stressful for you. 342 00:14:01,405 --> 00:14:04,085 Mm-Hmm. . Because, and I think this submissive 343 00:14:04,345 --> 00:14:05,445 may understand it as well. 344 00:14:06,185 --> 00:14:08,765 We un I understand the amount of responsibility you have 345 00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:11,645 as the dominant and the decider in our relationship. 346 00:14:11,645 --> 00:14:14,205 Yeah. You take a lot of control, you take a lot of power. 347 00:14:14,445 --> 00:14:16,805 I give it to you. I go, yes, you can decide these things. 348 00:14:16,905 --> 00:14:20,245 Yes. You can be the one leading this part 349 00:14:20,245 --> 00:14:21,925 of the train on this part of the track. 350 00:14:21,925 --> 00:14:22,925 Like those kinds of things. 351 00:14:23,465 --> 00:14:26,165 And when stress comes into, 352 00:14:26,305 --> 00:14:27,605 you know, hits your life, Mm-Hmm. 353 00:14:27,645 --> 00:14:31,685 , I am sometimes more empathetic than maybe 354 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,485 I ought to be because I, 355 00:14:33,625 --> 00:14:35,205 and I think this submissive might be the same way. 356 00:14:35,605 --> 00:14:36,925 I will put my needs on the back burner 357 00:14:36,925 --> 00:14:38,925 because I understand how stressed you are, 358 00:14:38,925 --> 00:14:40,285 and I don't wanna add to your stress. 359 00:14:40,425 --> 00:14:42,765 Mm-Hmm. . And I want you to work 360 00:14:42,765 --> 00:14:44,805 through your stress so we can get back to us. 361 00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:48,725 Uh, I, I get that. I get that a lot. 362 00:14:49,185 --> 00:14:51,405 But I also think that there is a, a line 363 00:14:51,405 --> 00:14:54,325 where we have gone past, oh, his job is stressful to, 364 00:14:55,305 --> 00:14:58,245 you are being neglected in a relationship 365 00:14:58,245 --> 00:14:59,325 you thought you were supposed to have. 366 00:14:59,325 --> 00:15:01,525 And I'm not hearing any part of this about 367 00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:03,845 how we've had a conversation and he told me this 368 00:15:04,105 --> 00:15:05,685 and I didn't have expectations. 369 00:15:06,095 --> 00:15:08,765 Being stressed out does not mean that all 370 00:15:08,765 --> 00:15:10,125 of your obligations go away. 371 00:15:10,345 --> 00:15:13,205 It means that your top obligation, as do as dominant, is 372 00:15:13,225 --> 00:15:14,565 to talk to me Yeah. 373 00:15:14,625 --> 00:15:16,605 And say, things are stressful 374 00:15:16,605 --> 00:15:17,965 and here's where I'm falling down and here's 375 00:15:17,965 --> 00:15:19,405 what I can do and here's what I can't do. 376 00:15:19,465 --> 00:15:20,805 And how are we gonna work through this together? 377 00:15:21,265 --> 00:15:24,005 That's the obligation a dominant has not to get a free pass 378 00:15:24,005 --> 00:15:25,565 because their life is stressful. 379 00:15:25,915 --> 00:15:29,365 Like, I'll give you a free pass for, so, for a while. Right. 380 00:15:29,465 --> 00:15:31,245 But then there has to come a point where, 381 00:15:32,145 --> 00:15:33,885 and I think, you know, I, 382 00:15:33,985 --> 00:15:36,445 I'm not sure I could wait three years to have Yeah. 383 00:15:36,445 --> 00:15:39,125 - No, what, - What, uh, I would call a come 384 00:15:39,125 --> 00:15:40,445 to Jesus. Right. You know, what 385 00:15:40,445 --> 00:15:41,445 - Are we doing here? 386 00:15:41,445 --> 00:15:43,725 I, I mean, let, let's be honest about this. Okay. 387 00:15:44,365 --> 00:15:49,165 I have gone through my cycles of life where it was Yeah. 388 00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:53,245 The, the DSS aspect was hard. Right. Okay. 389 00:15:54,205 --> 00:15:55,885 I fully expect that at some point 390 00:15:56,505 --> 00:15:58,285 in life, you're gonna have that. 391 00:15:58,715 --> 00:16:01,125 Sure. Okay. It's cyclical for everybody. 392 00:16:01,945 --> 00:16:04,485 Um, but even when 393 00:16:05,685 --> 00:16:09,725 I did not have the bandwidth to engage with that, 394 00:16:10,225 --> 00:16:11,805 we still had our protocols. 395 00:16:12,665 --> 00:16:15,325 - And hell, you just talked to me, you just let me know 396 00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:16,445 where you were at. 397 00:16:16,595 --> 00:16:19,125 Like, this is what's going on with me if I didn't know. 398 00:16:19,125 --> 00:16:19,725 Right? Mm-Hmm. , 399 00:16:19,835 --> 00:16:20,925 this is what's going on with me. 400 00:16:20,925 --> 00:16:23,365 This is how I'm feeling. This is what, what's hard. 401 00:16:23,665 --> 00:16:25,165 And we didn't come 402 00:16:25,165 --> 00:16:27,005 to those conversations always level-headed. 403 00:16:27,115 --> 00:16:29,565 Sometimes shit had to get really bad. Yeah. 404 00:16:29,625 --> 00:16:31,365 And then there had to be a blow up. Mm-Hmm. . 405 00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:33,485 And then I had to give you the side eye of, I, 406 00:16:33,845 --> 00:16:35,285 I know you're not talking to me 407 00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:36,365 and you need to be talking to me, 408 00:16:36,705 --> 00:16:37,725 and then you would talk to me. 409 00:16:37,725 --> 00:16:38,965 Right. Like, I, I get it. 410 00:16:38,965 --> 00:16:42,205 It's not, you know, regardless 411 00:16:42,205 --> 00:16:43,845 of our roles in power exchange, we're humans 412 00:16:43,985 --> 00:16:45,565 and, you know, stress is gonna get to us 413 00:16:45,585 --> 00:16:46,765 and life is gonna get to us, 414 00:16:46,785 --> 00:16:49,165 and we're not gonna utilize all of our skills, 415 00:16:49,585 --> 00:16:51,445 but three years of not utilizing 416 00:16:51,445 --> 00:16:52,445 - Our skills. 417 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:53,805 Yeah. Yeah. And, 418 00:16:54,025 --> 00:16:57,325 and again, that, that's, that's shocking to me. 419 00:16:57,545 --> 00:17:00,645 Mm-Hmm. . Um, especially when, you know, 420 00:17:00,765 --> 00:17:03,325 it said they're 45. 421 00:17:03,865 --> 00:17:05,445 - Yes. He, the dom is 45 422 00:17:05,445 --> 00:17:07,765 - And, and has been in the lifestyle since 19. 423 00:17:08,035 --> 00:17:11,925 - He's 19. Yeah. Mm mm And I don't, I don't doubt it. Yeah. 424 00:17:11,925 --> 00:17:15,045 But I'm gonna go, okay, well, what, what skills beyond the, 425 00:17:15,185 --> 00:17:17,485 the fuckery does, does he have Yeah. 426 00:17:17,665 --> 00:17:19,885 Did he not pick up communication skills, consent, 427 00:17:19,885 --> 00:17:22,485 like you were consenting this relationship based on a 428 00:17:22,485 --> 00:17:23,765 premise of what it was gonna be? 429 00:17:24,185 --> 00:17:27,285 And it, from the read on this question, 430 00:17:27,305 --> 00:17:30,325 it does not seem like there was ever a, a conversation had 431 00:17:30,745 --> 00:17:31,845 before marriage even. 432 00:17:32,035 --> 00:17:35,005 Yeah. Of, I can't, like, I can't do this right now, 433 00:17:35,005 --> 00:17:36,045 or I don't wanna do this 434 00:17:36,045 --> 00:17:38,445 until we're this situation. And like 435 00:17:38,985 --> 00:17:40,765 - We, we kind of fell on the other end 436 00:17:40,765 --> 00:17:43,605 of the spectrum when we went from long distance to 437 00:17:43,615 --> 00:17:44,405 - Right. We overdid 438 00:17:44,405 --> 00:17:45,525 - It, we overdid it. 439 00:17:45,525 --> 00:17:46,965 Mm-Hmm. we, you know, sat down 440 00:17:46,965 --> 00:17:48,725 and said, okay, this is gonna be, that's gonna be, 441 00:17:48,725 --> 00:17:49,350 this is is what 442 00:17:49,350 --> 00:17:50,190 we're gonna do and this is how 443 00:17:50,190 --> 00:17:51,310 it's gonna be. And, you know, and I think 444 00:17:51,545 --> 00:17:52,965 - That's - Blew up in our face 445 00:17:53,065 --> 00:17:55,085 and we had to step back and restructure. 446 00:17:55,295 --> 00:17:58,005 - Right. And I think that's probably more common for a lot 447 00:17:58,005 --> 00:18:00,005 of long distance relationships who go in person. 448 00:18:00,005 --> 00:18:01,125 Because that excitement, 449 00:18:01,155 --> 00:18:02,885 it's almost like you get a fresh wave 450 00:18:02,885 --> 00:18:04,045 of new relationship energy. 451 00:18:04,045 --> 00:18:05,885 Mm-Hmm. 'cause your relationship is transitioned 452 00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:08,885 to this thing you've been longing for, for however long, 453 00:18:09,625 --> 00:18:11,005 and you just go overboard. 454 00:18:11,035 --> 00:18:13,885 It's like maybe a, maybe a type of frenzy, if you will. 455 00:18:14,185 --> 00:18:16,925 Mm-Hmm. . So my, so I go down, 456 00:18:17,015 --> 00:18:18,325 let's get down to the Okay. 457 00:18:18,545 --> 00:18:19,725 Her actual questions. 458 00:18:20,185 --> 00:18:23,565 Um, and I had some, I had some thoughts. 459 00:18:23,605 --> 00:18:24,765 I actually made, made notes, 460 00:18:24,785 --> 00:18:26,405 so I would remember that . 461 00:18:26,865 --> 00:18:29,885 So here are, you know, some of the, 462 00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:31,405 let's go back to the questions themselves. 463 00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:32,805 All right. Any advice on how 464 00:18:32,805 --> 00:18:34,805 to ease into roles when the head wants 465 00:18:34,805 --> 00:18:35,965 it, but the body is tired? 466 00:18:36,505 --> 00:18:38,005 Any advice for dominant burnout 467 00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:42,445 and any advice for leveling expectation versus, uh, reality? 468 00:18:42,545 --> 00:18:45,125 And I'm, I am gonna, I believe you, 469 00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:47,645 I'm not gonna question it even if I'm giving a little bit 470 00:18:47,645 --> 00:18:48,805 of side eye to the, 471 00:18:48,805 --> 00:18:51,085 we have established this is actually something we want 472 00:18:51,085 --> 00:18:53,685 to seriously prioritize going forward in our relationship. 473 00:18:54,345 --> 00:18:55,965 Um, so, okay. Mm-Hmm. . 474 00:18:55,965 --> 00:18:57,485 So let's answer those questions. Okay. 475 00:18:57,665 --> 00:18:58,925 And, and talk about that part. 476 00:18:59,545 --> 00:19:03,725 My first thought on all of this is to wonder if 477 00:19:04,305 --> 00:19:08,485 during the long distance relationship, if the fantasy of 478 00:19:08,485 --> 00:19:10,445 that was easy. 479 00:19:10,765 --> 00:19:12,205 'cause there was distance Mm-Hmm. . 480 00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:14,285 And then when coming together, the reality 481 00:19:14,985 --> 00:19:16,485 was overwhelming for him. 482 00:19:16,485 --> 00:19:19,685 - Yeah. Yeah. And, and that is entirely possible 483 00:19:19,685 --> 00:19:21,645 because when you are long distance, 484 00:19:22,185 --> 00:19:24,725 you rely a lot on that fantasy. 485 00:19:24,905 --> 00:19:26,365 Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Mm-Hmm. 486 00:19:26,405 --> 00:19:28,325 , you know, because that, that is 487 00:19:28,325 --> 00:19:30,845 how you make a, make a connection long distance. 488 00:19:30,845 --> 00:19:32,565 Mm-Hmm. , um, you know, not necessarily, 489 00:19:32,765 --> 00:19:35,765 I mean, we had our fantasy times. 490 00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,445 Sure. You know, but we also 491 00:19:38,305 --> 00:19:40,005 had other things that grounded us. 492 00:19:40,515 --> 00:19:42,965 - Yeah. I mean, we were always all sexy 493 00:19:43,305 --> 00:19:44,565 DSS talk all the time. 494 00:19:44,655 --> 00:19:46,085 Right. You know, we would talk about 495 00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:47,245 other parts of life. Mm-Hmm. 496 00:19:47,285 --> 00:19:49,325 - . So, you know, yeah. 497 00:19:49,545 --> 00:19:52,285 It, it's easy to get up, get caught up in, you know, 498 00:19:52,285 --> 00:19:56,005 because you're, you know, you're talking on the phone 499 00:19:56,145 --> 00:19:59,765 and you're texting and, you know, hot, sexy texts, you know, 500 00:19:59,875 --> 00:20:02,645 this and that emails, you know, so yes. 501 00:20:02,755 --> 00:20:05,005 It's very easy to get caught up in that. 502 00:20:05,385 --> 00:20:07,925 - And if they moved in together right, as like, the height 503 00:20:07,925 --> 00:20:09,445 of everything with covid lockdowns 504 00:20:09,745 --> 00:20:10,965 and the stress, the what ifs 505 00:20:11,065 --> 00:20:13,965 and all of that, I could absolutely see where 506 00:20:14,155 --> 00:20:17,325 that would be a kink boner killer. Like I 507 00:20:17,325 --> 00:20:18,445 - Could - See where you'd be like, 508 00:20:19,035 --> 00:20:20,035 - Yeah, yeah, - Yeah. 509 00:20:20,035 --> 00:20:22,485 Maybe, maybe I don't have the bandwidth for this. Right. 510 00:20:22,515 --> 00:20:23,925 - Been there, done that. Got the T-shirt. 511 00:20:23,925 --> 00:20:26,525 - Yeah. Right. And then we get into, and this is the heart. 512 00:20:26,585 --> 00:20:28,965 How do you get, the head wants it, the body's tired. 513 00:20:29,165 --> 00:20:30,765 I think it's more of a habit thing. 514 00:20:30,765 --> 00:20:33,125 And what I mean by that is if it started, 515 00:20:33,185 --> 00:20:34,885 if they came together Mm-Hmm. 516 00:20:34,925 --> 00:20:36,925 the height of something like covid at a, 517 00:20:37,025 --> 00:20:38,605 the height of a stressful period, regardless 518 00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:39,725 of what that stressful period is. 519 00:20:40,185 --> 00:20:43,565 And then, you know, maybe he was confronted with, oh, the, 520 00:20:43,625 --> 00:20:45,445 the fantasy felt easier than this reality. 521 00:20:45,625 --> 00:20:46,885 And this is a lot. Right? Mm-Hmm. 522 00:20:46,925 --> 00:20:49,725 , I think it's also easy to, 523 00:20:49,905 --> 00:20:51,285 and I don't know if easy is the right word, 524 00:20:51,365 --> 00:20:53,365 I think it's possible and probable 525 00:20:53,365 --> 00:20:58,165 and likely to build it up in your head, the fact 526 00:20:58,165 --> 00:21:00,205 that you had the fantasy, the reality Mm-Hmm. 527 00:21:00,245 --> 00:21:02,045 was a little jarring. There's been all this 528 00:21:02,045 --> 00:21:03,765 stress, we couldn't do what we wanted to do. 529 00:21:04,115 --> 00:21:06,725 Then there was, okay, we're gonna wait until marriage 530 00:21:06,825 --> 00:21:10,125 for sex and kinky sex, then is, would be off the table. 531 00:21:10,125 --> 00:21:11,245 Yeah. Right. Um, 532 00:21:12,185 --> 00:21:13,725 and so there's almost a little bit 533 00:21:13,725 --> 00:21:15,805 of mindfuck yourself in a bad way 534 00:21:15,985 --> 00:21:18,125 of the longer you don't do it, 535 00:21:18,225 --> 00:21:20,885 the more you convince yourself it's gonna be hard to do it. 536 00:21:20,885 --> 00:21:22,365 Yeah. Again, does that make sense? 537 00:21:22,705 --> 00:21:23,965 - It, it does. And, 538 00:21:24,025 --> 00:21:26,565 and yet, one of the things I'm thinking of where in, 539 00:21:26,585 --> 00:21:30,565 in this listening to you talk about this, um, I, 540 00:21:30,725 --> 00:21:33,205 I wonder if it's possible that either one 541 00:21:33,205 --> 00:21:35,325 of them manage their expectations. 542 00:21:36,105 --> 00:21:40,165 - Mm. I mean, maybe then that's where I'm, 543 00:21:40,165 --> 00:21:42,245 I'll give this the, the, the dom some grace. 544 00:21:42,665 --> 00:21:45,165 If the expectation was it will be this way 545 00:21:45,315 --> 00:21:46,365 when she moves in. 546 00:21:46,365 --> 00:21:47,885 Mm-Hmm. . And then 547 00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:50,245 life in general was a shit show 548 00:21:50,765 --> 00:21:52,045 'cause of covid because of whatever else. 549 00:21:52,195 --> 00:21:54,525 Yeah. Then, and the fantasy 550 00:21:54,825 --> 00:21:58,205 and the LDR was somehow easier air quote that easier 551 00:21:58,905 --> 00:22:01,925 on the DSS side, on the kink side, then the reality 552 00:22:01,925 --> 00:22:03,725 of having this person right in front of you. 553 00:22:04,035 --> 00:22:06,805 Yeah. You know, I, I can see where you could become 554 00:22:06,825 --> 00:22:08,765 so overwhelmed that you kind of just shut down. 555 00:22:09,405 --> 00:22:11,605 I still don't consider that an excuse 556 00:22:11,665 --> 00:22:13,645 for not communicating clearly. 557 00:22:13,645 --> 00:22:15,485 Right. And please don't tell me you've been in this decades 558 00:22:15,825 --> 00:22:17,525 and not have hard conversations. 559 00:22:17,705 --> 00:22:19,005 I'm not impressed by that. Mm-Hmm. 560 00:22:19,045 --> 00:22:22,365 not a fucking all. Now the other thing 561 00:22:22,455 --> 00:22:24,165 about dominant burnout. 562 00:22:25,675 --> 00:22:28,725 Burnout lasts as long as it lasts in, in whatever way. 563 00:22:28,745 --> 00:22:30,765 Mm-Hmm. , my question is, 564 00:22:30,765 --> 00:22:33,005 after three years, is it dominant 565 00:22:33,005 --> 00:22:34,485 burnout that you're dealing with? 566 00:22:34,585 --> 00:22:37,045 Or is it the burnout that comes from feeling guilty 567 00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:39,485 but never acting on your guilt or dealing with your guilt 568 00:22:39,485 --> 00:22:41,245 or communicating about your guilt for three years? 569 00:22:41,315 --> 00:22:42,525 Because that would, 570 00:22:43,835 --> 00:22:45,725 because here's the thing, if I am charitable 571 00:22:45,725 --> 00:22:47,565 and go, he wants this Mm-Hmm. 572 00:22:47,605 --> 00:22:49,365 , he wanted it then he wants it now. 573 00:22:49,465 --> 00:22:53,365 But he, the, the gap between who, where he is now 574 00:22:53,425 --> 00:22:55,445 and where he wants to get, feels too big and too wide. 575 00:22:55,445 --> 00:22:57,085 And it's overwhelming. And Mm-Hmm. 576 00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:59,765 and I, I am sympathetic to that overwhelm. 577 00:22:59,885 --> 00:23:03,605 I can, I can imagine to, to me, 578 00:23:04,705 --> 00:23:07,165 if I'm being terrible and assuming that that's all real 579 00:23:07,345 --> 00:23:09,685 and he, this was not just leading somebody on Mm-Hmm. 580 00:23:09,725 --> 00:23:11,605 then that tells me 581 00:23:11,795 --> 00:23:15,885 that if this person is any kind of decent human being, then 582 00:23:15,925 --> 00:23:18,165 for the past three years of not clearly communicating 583 00:23:18,215 --> 00:23:19,525 where things had gone off the rails, 584 00:23:19,525 --> 00:23:21,005 there's probably gonna be a lot of guilt there. 585 00:23:21,005 --> 00:23:22,725 Because, you know, you had six years 586 00:23:23,365 --> 00:23:24,605 building this up Mm-Hmm. 587 00:23:24,645 --> 00:23:26,565 and creating these expectations of 588 00:23:26,565 --> 00:23:28,485 what life would be like when you got together. 589 00:23:28,485 --> 00:23:30,445 Yeah. And then now you're together, together 590 00:23:30,445 --> 00:23:32,005 for three years, married now 591 00:23:32,025 --> 00:23:33,925 for months, however long Mm-Hmm. 592 00:23:33,965 --> 00:23:35,205 since the end of 2022. 593 00:23:35,625 --> 00:23:38,325 And none of the things that you've ta you talked about 594 00:23:38,385 --> 00:23:39,845 or planned, have come to fruition 595 00:23:39,845 --> 00:23:40,605 - Have come to fruition. Yeah. 596 00:23:40,825 --> 00:23:42,925 - And you're not talking about it, so, oh, 597 00:23:43,105 --> 00:23:44,725 is it dominant burnout or is it burnout 598 00:23:44,725 --> 00:23:45,845 from feeling guilty for 599 00:23:45,845 --> 00:23:46,845 - Three years? 600 00:23:46,845 --> 00:23:49,405 Yeah. I mean, you know, let's be honest about this. 601 00:23:49,905 --> 00:23:52,565 You can make, anybody can make grand plans. Oh, sure. 602 00:23:52,755 --> 00:23:55,365 Alright. But the reality of it is, 603 00:23:55,545 --> 00:23:57,965 the plans don't always pan out. 604 00:23:57,965 --> 00:23:59,005 Mm-Hmm. . Alright. 605 00:23:59,665 --> 00:24:03,405 So again, that, that comes down to managing expectations. 606 00:24:04,225 --> 00:24:08,245 You know, I, I know for me, I'm gonna be shocked by this, 607 00:24:08,545 --> 00:24:11,125 you know, I, I have control issues . I know 608 00:24:11,125 --> 00:24:12,125 - Right? 609 00:24:12,125 --> 00:24:13,525 You are the worst when you feel out of control. 610 00:24:14,205 --> 00:24:17,165 - . Right. I, I know. I I like to be in charge. 611 00:24:17,225 --> 00:24:18,325 Mm-Hmm. . I like, you know, 612 00:24:18,355 --> 00:24:20,285 that something, that's a part of me. 613 00:24:20,415 --> 00:24:24,845 Right? Alright. So when I go through those things, when, 614 00:24:24,875 --> 00:24:27,285 when life rears its ugly fucking head and, 615 00:24:27,785 --> 00:24:28,805 and screws with you. 616 00:24:29,275 --> 00:24:30,885 Yeah. I need to step back. 617 00:24:31,625 --> 00:24:35,325 But then there comes a point where things settle down or, 618 00:24:35,385 --> 00:24:36,645 or you know, whatever. 619 00:24:36,915 --> 00:24:39,485 Okay. I, I want to get back on this train. Right, 620 00:24:39,855 --> 00:24:40,855 - Right. 621 00:24:40,855 --> 00:24:42,445 When you were, when you're out of control in other areas 622 00:24:42,465 --> 00:24:44,445 of your life, you don't handle it well at all. 623 00:24:44,445 --> 00:24:46,085 Mm-Hmm. , you are not, you're not 624 00:24:46,625 --> 00:24:48,165 the best version of yourself. 625 00:24:48,505 --> 00:24:53,445 No. Um, and you can become petulant. 626 00:24:53,505 --> 00:24:56,365 You can become downright pouty, . 627 00:24:56,465 --> 00:25:00,845 Um, which by the way, uh, pro tip, 628 00:25:01,475 --> 00:25:04,005 telling your dom who's in overwhelm and stressed 629 00:25:04,005 --> 00:25:05,885 and feeling out of control about every other part 630 00:25:05,885 --> 00:25:08,525 of his life that he's being pouty does not usually 631 00:25:08,615 --> 00:25:09,965 yield the results would 632 00:25:10,025 --> 00:25:11,025 - Expect . 633 00:25:12,345 --> 00:25:15,125 - So if all, let's say all of that's been going on, right? 634 00:25:15,705 --> 00:25:18,365 My, to answer all of these questions Mm-Hmm. 635 00:25:18,405 --> 00:25:21,645 to me, they all get answered kind of together. 636 00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:24,565 Because if you're dealing with burnout of any sort, right? 637 00:25:24,565 --> 00:25:28,325 If you're dealing with head wants, body doesn't body does, 638 00:25:28,355 --> 00:25:30,845 head doesn't whatever, that disconnect where part 639 00:25:30,845 --> 00:25:32,125 of you is like, yes, please. 640 00:25:32,125 --> 00:25:33,885 And part of you is like, holy shit, I don't think I can. 641 00:25:34,865 --> 00:25:39,245 And you're trying to get your expectations, you know, 642 00:25:40,065 --> 00:25:41,405 in line with reality. 643 00:25:42,225 --> 00:25:43,845 The thing I would tell you for how 644 00:25:43,845 --> 00:25:47,605 to maybe get started again, is to start 645 00:25:47,605 --> 00:25:49,365 with easy and fun. 646 00:25:49,755 --> 00:25:52,645 Yeah. Like not the super serious, you know, all the, 647 00:25:52,645 --> 00:25:54,805 maybe the laundry list of things y'all had planned 648 00:25:54,805 --> 00:25:56,165 while you were still long distance. 649 00:25:56,715 --> 00:26:01,565 What is something that you mutually miss about 650 00:26:02,235 --> 00:26:04,245 what you did in kink 651 00:26:04,505 --> 00:26:06,445 during the long distance relationship Mm-Hmm. 652 00:26:06,485 --> 00:26:08,045 or that you talked about that you would do in, 653 00:26:08,185 --> 00:26:11,365 in person, whether it's a certain kind of kinky sex, 654 00:26:11,515 --> 00:26:16,005 whether it's a certain kind of rule or protocol or task 655 00:26:16,145 --> 00:26:17,565 or something that would be part of your life. 656 00:26:18,025 --> 00:26:22,285 And I'm gonna say, you, you pick one thing, one thing 657 00:26:22,285 --> 00:26:24,525 that gets you both hot and bothered and like Yeah. 658 00:26:24,835 --> 00:26:26,445 That, that really does it. 659 00:26:26,465 --> 00:26:29,485 And then you might have to ease into it. You might have to 660 00:26:30,185 --> 00:26:34,085 - Low and slow - Deconstruct the steps it takes to get to, 661 00:26:34,305 --> 00:26:35,845 here's how we see this in our mind. 662 00:26:36,345 --> 00:26:38,045 And do baby steps that way. 663 00:26:38,095 --> 00:26:40,245 Let's say it's, you know, 664 00:26:40,305 --> 00:26:41,765 you wanna be naked at a certain time 665 00:26:41,765 --> 00:26:43,700 of day kneeling on the ground with your, your collar on it 666 00:26:43,785 --> 00:26:45,765 and greet your dom at the door like that. 667 00:26:45,765 --> 00:26:46,925 Right? Ooh. I know, 668 00:26:47,325 --> 00:26:48,765 - I know, I - Know, huh. 669 00:26:49,155 --> 00:26:52,085 It's doing it for me right now. Um, but that's a lot. 670 00:26:52,225 --> 00:26:53,405 And that's a lot to get to. 671 00:26:53,405 --> 00:26:55,645 And that might feel overwhelming for one or both of you. 672 00:26:55,985 --> 00:26:57,245 And I would say reading this, 673 00:26:57,285 --> 00:26:58,285 I don't think it'll feel overwhelming 674 00:26:58,285 --> 00:26:59,405 for you if that was your thing. 675 00:26:59,445 --> 00:27:00,805 I think it would feel overwhelming for your, 676 00:27:01,395 --> 00:27:02,565 okay, well where do you start? 677 00:27:02,585 --> 00:27:03,605 How do you deconstruct that? 678 00:27:03,635 --> 00:27:06,845 Well, the first part is may, 679 00:27:06,855 --> 00:27:08,765 maybe it's the first part is wearing a collar. 680 00:27:08,815 --> 00:27:10,685 Maybe the first part is greeting him out the door. 681 00:27:10,705 --> 00:27:12,525 And there's no nudity. There's no kneeling. Mm-Hmm. 682 00:27:12,565 --> 00:27:14,005 . There's, there's this, I'm going to, 683 00:27:14,105 --> 00:27:15,925 I'm gonna consistently do this for you Right. 684 00:27:15,925 --> 00:27:17,565 As you're submissive and I'm gonna do that 685 00:27:17,615 --> 00:27:20,885 until you're like, yeah, this is, this is what we do. 686 00:27:20,885 --> 00:27:22,765 Mm-Hmm. And then mm-Hmm. Add another step to it. 687 00:27:22,765 --> 00:27:24,285 - I mean, it could be something as simple, you know, 688 00:27:24,785 --> 00:27:27,525 if this person has such a stressful job, um, 689 00:27:27,785 --> 00:27:28,805 do they have a special drink 690 00:27:28,805 --> 00:27:30,005 that they enjoy when they come home 691 00:27:30,005 --> 00:27:31,925 and make a special drink, what relaxes them? 692 00:27:31,925 --> 00:27:33,365 Right. Regardless of what it's, I mean, 693 00:27:33,365 --> 00:27:35,005 just like you do my coffee, right. You know, 694 00:27:35,705 --> 00:27:37,245 - Can you offer as a submissive, 695 00:27:37,585 --> 00:27:40,565 you're stressed out dom something that relaxes 'em 696 00:27:40,565 --> 00:27:42,165 that is not related to kink, 697 00:27:42,185 --> 00:27:44,285 but the fact that you're doing it as they're submissive. 698 00:27:44,285 --> 00:27:45,725 Right. That's what makes it kinky. 699 00:27:46,225 --> 00:27:48,765 So that is where, that's where I would tell you to start 700 00:27:48,765 --> 00:27:52,285 to deal with both burnout and the disconnect between mind 701 00:27:52,285 --> 00:27:55,365 and body and the what, what, 702 00:27:55,705 --> 00:27:58,245 how do we manage our expectations and keep this to reality? 703 00:27:59,155 --> 00:28:00,645 Like you said, low and slow. Mm-Hmm. 704 00:28:00,685 --> 00:28:02,925 , you, you can start in any 705 00:28:03,385 --> 00:28:04,485 aspect of it that you want. 706 00:28:04,545 --> 00:28:06,205 The options might actually be overwhelming. 707 00:28:06,405 --> 00:28:07,845 'cause it's like, well, what kind of submissive are you? 708 00:28:07,845 --> 00:28:09,205 Are you a service submissive? Okay. 709 00:28:09,205 --> 00:28:10,245 What kind of service can you 710 00:28:10,245 --> 00:28:11,885 provide that your dom would want? 711 00:28:11,885 --> 00:28:15,285 Right. Is it mostly a sexual submission thing? Okay. 712 00:28:15,285 --> 00:28:18,685 Well, what is a small easy to accomplish thing 713 00:28:18,955 --> 00:28:20,805 that you both really enjoy Yeah. 714 00:28:20,805 --> 00:28:23,165 And maybe have really missed, but you genuinely, 715 00:28:23,225 --> 00:28:25,045 you do one thing that sounds fun 716 00:28:25,225 --> 00:28:26,965 and exciting to both of you. 717 00:28:27,745 --> 00:28:29,605 And and this is often the hardest part, 718 00:28:29,825 --> 00:28:32,205 and everybody is gonna get through this in their own 719 00:28:32,205 --> 00:28:33,285 time and in their own way. 720 00:28:34,545 --> 00:28:36,005 You push through the anxiety. 721 00:28:36,105 --> 00:28:37,205 You don't push through boundaries. 722 00:28:37,205 --> 00:28:37,685 You don't push 723 00:28:37,685 --> 00:28:38,805 through limits. That's not what I'm talking about. 724 00:28:38,805 --> 00:28:41,285 Mm-Hmm. . But that, that feeling of, oh my God, 725 00:28:41,285 --> 00:28:42,245 I have, we haven't done this in 726 00:28:42,245 --> 00:28:43,365 so long, can I really do this? 727 00:28:43,415 --> 00:28:44,845 Right. Am I really ready for this? 728 00:28:46,585 --> 00:28:48,085 You might be able to barrel through 729 00:28:48,085 --> 00:28:49,525 that like the Kool-Aid man. 730 00:28:49,705 --> 00:28:53,125 Or you might have to inch toward it 731 00:28:53,245 --> 00:28:55,125 and open the door inch by inch to get through there. 732 00:28:55,225 --> 00:28:58,325 But at some point there's gotta be that discomfort 733 00:28:58,425 --> 00:29:00,605 of we haven't done this in a long time, will this work? 734 00:29:00,605 --> 00:29:02,405 Right. You have to push through that. Mm-Hmm. 735 00:29:02,445 --> 00:29:04,125 , I can't tell you how long that will take 736 00:29:04,125 --> 00:29:07,045 to push through, but that is ultimately the thing. 737 00:29:07,045 --> 00:29:08,565 Yeah. But start with something fun 738 00:29:08,905 --> 00:29:12,285 - And, and I think exciting, um, you know, 739 00:29:12,285 --> 00:29:14,725 if it hasn't been done yet, need 740 00:29:14,725 --> 00:29:19,165 to have a a a sit down heart to heart about expectations 741 00:29:19,275 --> 00:29:20,325 between the two of them. 742 00:29:21,045 --> 00:29:22,765 - I would say before they do that, they need, 743 00:29:22,785 --> 00:29:25,365 and the, uh, maybe that's this piggybacks 744 00:29:26,025 --> 00:29:28,285 the conversation I would want you to have 745 00:29:29,025 --> 00:29:30,805 is about clear fucking communication. 746 00:29:30,905 --> 00:29:33,205 Mm-Hmm. , your dom's gotta get to a point 747 00:29:33,205 --> 00:29:35,165 where if he starts feeling overwhelmed 748 00:29:35,165 --> 00:29:36,365 and it's like, uhoh, can we do this? 749 00:29:36,435 --> 00:29:37,845 He's gotta fucking tell you. Yeah. 750 00:29:38,105 --> 00:29:39,365 If things are too stressful 751 00:29:39,365 --> 00:29:41,180 and he is so overwhelmed, he can't feel, feel, 752 00:29:41,180 --> 00:29:42,645 doesn't feel like he can function in the way 753 00:29:42,645 --> 00:29:44,565 that you both expect him to function. 754 00:29:44,795 --> 00:29:45,805 He's gotta fucking tell you. 755 00:29:46,185 --> 00:29:48,205 And quite frankly, until he can get to that point, 756 00:29:48,225 --> 00:29:49,605 how the fuck do you trust him to follow 757 00:29:49,605 --> 00:29:51,045 through on anything he says 758 00:29:51,045 --> 00:29:52,045 - He'll do. 759 00:29:52,045 --> 00:29:52,805 I mean, it doesn't matter how many years 760 00:29:54,065 --> 00:29:58,725 you have in the lifestyle, if that entire time was spent 761 00:29:59,335 --> 00:30:03,845 doing scenes, you know, in order to have a relationship 762 00:30:04,075 --> 00:30:08,005 with kink intertwined in that relationship, you need 763 00:30:08,005 --> 00:30:09,125 to have communication skills. 764 00:30:09,145 --> 00:30:10,685 Mm-Hmm. . I mean, I didn't always have 765 00:30:10,685 --> 00:30:12,485 good communication skills. No. We're 766 00:30:12,485 --> 00:30:13,485 - Constantly working on - Those. 767 00:30:13,485 --> 00:30:14,765 It's, it's a muscle that you have 768 00:30:14,765 --> 00:30:16,725 to exercise. Mm-Hmm. . 769 00:30:17,265 --> 00:30:20,005 - And, and this can be hard for Doms, especially if, 770 00:30:20,105 --> 00:30:22,285 you know, 20, 30 years in the lifestyle 771 00:30:22,505 --> 00:30:23,565 that's a little old school. 772 00:30:23,565 --> 00:30:27,085 That means that he's probably been around some, you know, 773 00:30:27,845 --> 00:30:28,965 bullshit that says doms are 774 00:30:29,045 --> 00:30:30,125 supposed to behave a certain way or 775 00:30:30,165 --> 00:30:31,165 - Whatever. 776 00:30:31,165 --> 00:30:32,885 Well, probably old guard, maybe high protocol, maybe. 777 00:30:33,385 --> 00:30:35,525 - But here's the deal. We live in the year 778 00:30:35,525 --> 00:30:37,605 of our Lord 2023 . 779 00:30:37,905 --> 00:30:40,085 And, um, if he wants to have a relationship with you, 780 00:30:40,085 --> 00:30:41,845 that's kinky, he's gonna have to learn how to get vulnerable 781 00:30:41,905 --> 00:30:43,085 and tell you the hard fucking thing. 782 00:30:43,085 --> 00:30:44,285 Mm-Hmm. . And it is a skill, 783 00:30:44,665 --> 00:30:47,845 and I don't have a lot of patience for people who tell me 784 00:30:47,845 --> 00:30:50,045 how experienced they are, but then don't have that skill. 785 00:30:50,065 --> 00:30:52,805 But I also understand that it's a skill and it's a muscle. 786 00:30:52,805 --> 00:30:54,885 And if you haven't been using that muscle Yeah. 787 00:30:55,075 --> 00:30:56,845 It's not gonna be as strong as it once was. 788 00:30:57,145 --> 00:31:01,845 So this was not a short episode at all, . 789 00:31:02,425 --> 00:31:05,285 But that's the thing. I would, I think the, 790 00:31:05,495 --> 00:31:07,245 let's recap the submissive Mm-Hmm. 791 00:31:07,285 --> 00:31:08,485 in this situation. 792 00:31:08,665 --> 00:31:10,085 That's Lola howling in the background. 793 00:31:10,485 --> 00:31:12,085 has every right to feel led on. 794 00:31:12,085 --> 00:31:14,205 And quite frankly, if you're not pissed off, 795 00:31:14,725 --> 00:31:15,765 I just know I'm pissed for you. 796 00:31:15,915 --> 00:31:20,285 Okay. . Um, if this was not a situation 797 00:31:20,285 --> 00:31:23,525 where this partner genuinely just led you the fuck on, 798 00:31:23,705 --> 00:31:25,445 and now you're here and you, you know, 799 00:31:25,785 --> 00:31:27,445 and you have had the heart to heart 800 00:31:27,445 --> 00:31:29,645 and there's a genuine desire on both parts 801 00:31:30,465 --> 00:31:33,725 to try this again, uh, one, 802 00:31:34,115 --> 00:31:36,165 there's gotta be a commitment from your dom to, 803 00:31:36,265 --> 00:31:37,685 to communicate more clearly Yeah. 804 00:31:37,785 --> 00:31:39,165 And more often and be vulnerable. 805 00:31:39,665 --> 00:31:42,525 Two, and they have to fucking follow through. Okay. Right. 806 00:31:43,185 --> 00:31:46,045 Two, to get through the burnout, the, the expectation, 807 00:31:46,105 --> 00:31:47,245 the like, how do we do this? 808 00:31:47,245 --> 00:31:51,165 Again, start with something fun, exciting, simple 809 00:31:51,185 --> 00:31:52,185 - And simple. 810 00:31:52,185 --> 00:31:54,285 - Simple. Even if you take a big thing that's exciting 811 00:31:54,305 --> 00:31:56,205 and just break it down into teeny tiny steps, 812 00:31:56,745 --> 00:32:00,925 or you think about what you want, like you personally 813 00:32:00,925 --> 00:32:03,005 as a submissive, what you want and need as a submissive, 814 00:32:03,385 --> 00:32:05,805 and then what they want and need and might like 815 00:32:05,865 --> 00:32:07,765 and are like kind of curious about kind of thing. 816 00:32:09,105 --> 00:32:12,085 And then match that up and start with one thing. Yeah. 817 00:32:12,425 --> 00:32:15,525 And then, and I don't think our submissive person 818 00:32:15,665 --> 00:32:17,565 who has asked this question might have this problem, 819 00:32:17,665 --> 00:32:19,365 but Dominic definitely might. 820 00:32:19,705 --> 00:32:21,565 You're gonna have to push through anxiety. 821 00:32:21,585 --> 00:32:24,645 And that that discomfort of can I do this? Can we do this? 822 00:32:24,945 --> 00:32:26,805 You know? True, true. Not boundaries of limits. 823 00:32:26,825 --> 00:32:27,965 We don't push through those Mm-Hmm. 824 00:32:28,145 --> 00:32:30,405 But we push through discomfort when we're trying a thing 825 00:32:30,555 --> 00:32:32,805 that we, we've told ourselves, 826 00:32:32,895 --> 00:32:34,765 we've mind fucked ourselves out of doing 827 00:32:35,075 --> 00:32:36,965 because of whatever else was going on. 828 00:32:37,225 --> 00:32:39,405 And that might take more time than anything else, 829 00:32:39,745 --> 00:32:41,725 but that would be, yeah. 830 00:32:42,025 --> 00:32:46,565 Uh, I, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope that this is just, 831 00:32:47,185 --> 00:32:49,445 you know, a fucked up time in your relationship 832 00:32:49,545 --> 00:32:51,285 and that you both really are on the same page. 833 00:32:51,285 --> 00:32:53,845 Mm-Hmm. . And that you both genuinely want this 834 00:32:54,125 --> 00:32:55,925 together and that you can find your way right 835 00:32:55,925 --> 00:32:57,005 back to one another. 836 00:32:57,625 --> 00:32:59,325 Um, that's what I hope. Yeah. 837 00:32:59,745 --> 00:33:01,285 I'm gonna, I might remain skeptical 838 00:33:01,465 --> 00:33:03,925 and for now though, but that's what I hope for you. 839 00:33:04,665 --> 00:33:06,725 So. Okay. 840 00:33:06,945 --> 00:33:09,205 Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. 841 00:33:09,265 --> 00:33:10,885 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 842 00:33:10,955 --> 00:33:13,885 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, 843 00:33:13,985 --> 00:33:16,005 or you can find the link in the show notes. 844 00:33:16,385 --> 00:33:18,885 Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon, 845 00:33:19,015 --> 00:33:21,245 we're able to do this podcast and keep it going 846 00:33:21,245 --> 00:33:23,125 and help kinks due to your support. 847 00:33:23,585 --> 00:33:25,205 If you'd like to be part of our community 848 00:33:25,205 --> 00:33:26,485 and get access to extra content 849 00:33:26,625 --> 00:33:28,725 and a Discord server with a group of super cool, 850 00:33:28,725 --> 00:33:30,125 super nice kink sters, you can do that. 851 00:33:30,315 --> 00:33:32,805 Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. 852 00:33:32,825 --> 00:33:35,765 That's patreon.com/kayla lords, 853 00:33:35,785 --> 00:33:37,085 or use the link in the show notes.