- You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast.
Kay Lords. Here we're the one, the only, the, uh,
looking supremely self satisfied with a little bit
of a smug smirk on your face this morning. John Brownstone.
- I don't understand what you could be talking about or why,
or, you know, whatever.
- I mean, we only woke up more tired than we went to sleep
or went to bed feeling
- That's true, that's true.
- And it was worth every, - Every bit of it. Yeah. Every
- Bit of it.
And that's all we're gonna say about that .
This week we're answering a question about the DSS
that was planned while they were long distance.
Mm-Hmm. versus
what they have now that they're together. Ah, mm-Hmm.
- . Mm-Hmm. .
- Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast.
Uh, if you are new here, we hope Kister like you have happy,
healthy power Exchange relationships.
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we have a contact page called Ask your Questions.
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website@lovingbdsm.net
and in the show notes for this episode.
Um, yeah. So if you like us doing this
and have your own question, feel free to submit.
Okay. Let's get right into the question. All right.
It's a long one. Ooh. So bear with me. Okay.
Um, but the context was important
and it actually gave me,
me personally more thoughts than the
specific questions themselves.
- Oh, okay. - So, here we go.
I 30 female have always been really into kink, even
before I knew what kink was when I met my husband, 45 male,
I was delighted to find he was just as kinky as me,
opposite sides of the slash even the D
to my s We were in a long distance relationship
for six years until I could move to his state.
After we got engaged, the distance worked out for me
because I didn't wanna have sex till we were married.
And I had a pretty rigorous school schedule,
which would've hindered having a consistent
day-to-Day relationship.
When we could talk, we were always discussing scenes he had
done and stuff he wanted to do with me.
I loved all his photos
and stories from his time in the scene.
He had been in it since he was 19, so he had a ton.
When I did finally move in, I was disappointed
that kink wasn't a big factor
of our in real life relationship.
Pretty much non-existent actually.
There was a lot going on in the world at the time.
Covid had pretty much locked us down
inside the week after I moved in.
And there was a ton to be stressed about.
I felt guilty wanting this meaning kink. Mm-Hmm.
out of our already trial
by fire in-person relationship near the end of 2020.
I felt like we were in a stable enough moment
to bring up the glaring lack of kink in our life.
He told me that kink to him was more of a sexual thing,
and he was looking forward to exploring that with me.
When we got married, I was a little taken aback since he is
a big proponent in the community,
that kink isn't inherently sexual.
And when we were in a long distance relationship,
we had some really fun, really sexy text role plays going.
I didn't think it was crazy to continue that,
even though we were now in the same room.
I was thankful for the clarification,
and it certainly made sense why he wasn't pushing kink when
we became in real life.
We ended up getting married at the end of 2022,
and still no kink really.
I would bring it up from time to time.
Over the next year, it was always met with, I'm sorry,
I'm really stressed out from work.
He works constantly
and his work is really important and really stressful.
So I get it. There is a lot more to our relationship,
obviously, that makes me so, so happy.
But at the back of my mind, I can't help
but feel a little led on
by the fantasy we created together when we were in a
long distance relationship.
I know there's a glaring difference
between reality versus fantasy that comes into,
you know, life with someone else.
But when six of the nine years we have been together,
we're building the foundation of what was going
to be a 24 7 DSS relationship.
I know I'm not the asshole for wanting it. Good for you.
Mm-Hmm. in our latest conversations about it,
because, you know, I've been communicating this whole time,
it seems more and more like he has lost his confidence
as a dominant and is so fatigued
with all the decisions he has to make.
Daily kink is unfortunately feeling more like an obligation
than a desire, which he feels insanely guilty about since
he knows it's what I want.
I've, and I've waited so long to take part in it all this
to ask, do you have any advice on how
to ease into roles when the head wants it,
but the body is tired?
Any advice for dominant burnout
and any advice for leveling expectation versus reality?
We have established this is actually something we want
to seriously prioritize going forward in our relationship,
since it's something we both still find incredibly hot.
- Hmm. - Wow. I have thoughts
and I don't know how anybody else hearing this situation
and the questions Mm-Hmm.
might feel, but the thoughts I had had nothing
to do with the questions that were ultimately asked.
The initial thoughts. Yeah.
Um, but, you know, I can go on a rant.
So, Mm-Hmm, , let's,
let's let you go first. .
- Um, I, I think what stood out to me
more than anything in this was the fact that there was
so much kink going on in the ldr R mm-Hmm.
. Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
And then when they were in real life, nothing. Nothing.
- I know. - Nothing that, that,
that just like blows my mind.
- I know. And then the, I think the part
that bothers me the most about that part,
and there's a lot that bothers me about that part, is
that then now we have a submissive who's going, oh, well,
I had this expectation of what it would be like,
but that's not matching with reality.
Mm-Hmm. good on you for noticing.
But it's almost like they, they seem
to almost feel a little,
I don't know if guilt if I'm reading too much into it
by feeling guilty about it
because they admit that they feel let on.
And I feel like you were let on too, just
to be, to be honest, that
- Yeah.
- But we're not talking, like,
when we talk about reality versus fantasy, we tend
to be talking about, okay, you imagine you'll be naked
and on your knees and collared more
often than not during the day.
Mm-Hmm. . But actually you have to go to work,
pay bills, or take care of a house or take care of kids,
or whatever your life looks like.
Um, this is, you spent six years
building a relationship
and creating expectations for what you both wanted
with no word from the other
that this wasn't going to happen Right.
When you moved in. If you didn't feel led on,
I would be more concerned about you.
Mm-Hmm. quite frankly. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, because that to me is the crux of the issue.
And I'm happy to answer the questions she asks.
'cause they're good questions. Yeah.
I'm more concerned that she's the one seeking out these
answers as to how to help her dom, who has not
done much based on this account when it,
for the past three years to help himself.
- When, when it sounds like he's the one
who needs to kind of,
- He needs to get his shit together.
Right. I mean, I I say respectfully.
- I mean, you know, don't get me wrong,
I understand having a stressful job,
having a stressful life
and all that. Absolutely. And it, but
- It can interfere for sure. But
- What changed that you had such an intense six
year relationship.
Mm-Hmm. that once it's in person, then all
of a sudden everything is that much more.
- Right. And so, you know, a couple of details here
that kind of feed into that and make a little bit of sense.
So, Mm-Hmm. , she's like, okay,
I don't wanna have sex until we get married.
Cool. Yeah. That's, that's totally like your thing.
And he's like, and I like the
fact that he's respecting that.
Yeah. But once you've made that clear to your partner,
they should then make clear to you, oh, well, for me, the,
the kink, uh, that I want to participate with in, with you
is sexual in nature.
So if we're not having sex, what do we do in the meantime?
Yeah. And that from this account, now granted,
we only get one side of the story.
Mm-Hmm. . I can get that.
But where's the conversation on his end as the dom going?
Oh, okay. So this is easy.
This is the fantasy and what we do, and we're long distance.
'cause they're not actually, like,
I would say maybe this person thinks they're not actually
having sex long distance,
but when there's sexual pleasure involved, I mean, I,
I classify that as sex.
That's just my personal definition. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, but how does he not say, okay, all this sexy,
fun time stuff that we're doing long distance,
we are not gonna be able to do, I won't want to do this
with you until we can have sex.
Yeah. 'cause this is how I want to experience it with you.
That's a valid conversation to have had.
And I'm giving side eye to a dom with
that many years experience, not being able to have
that conversation Right.
Either, not thinking about it, which I don't know,
I don't know this person or not being willing to,
or what, thinking that if you never talk about it,
your partner's not gonna notice
that you're not having the kink experience
that you both kind of built up in your minds
and in your experience that clearly your submissive thought,
Hey, when I move in, we're getting some of this.
And now we're three years later. Mm-Hmm.
- . Now - I wanna be
as charitable as I can be.
C-O-V-I-D fucked everybody over. Like Yes. Yes.
Life was weird. It was stressful for the vast majority
of people for a lot of different reasons.
We don't know what his career is. Mm-Hmm. .
And I could imagine if it was anything that had anything
to do with medical stuff or legal stuff
or any I could imagine Yeah.
- Covid being or, or,
or even anything to do with say, like, you know,
a grocery store or anything like that facing
- Right.
Anything you had to be public facing
or if your health, like I can, the year of 2020 I think gets
to be the lost year for many of us Yeah.
'cause what was even life. Right. So I get that.
But to get all the way to 2022 to get married,
still not be having these conversations.
She's doing the work, she's trying
to have these conversations and to get to approximately now,
like I, we've had this question in our inbox
for a few weeks, so, you know Yeah.
Timing and, you know Mm-Hmm.
is a little wibbly wobbly where, oh,
he wants this.
And now we have other que like, how do I help him? Mm-Hmm.
, ah, he's, he's, he's gotta help
- Himself.
He's gotta help himself. Yes.
- Because I'm al I'm most concerned
that all of this has gone on.
And by all accounts, he has not sat her down
and said, I have to have some hard conversations with you.
Right. Right.
And she's been asking for,
and according to this account and leading into it Mm-Hmm.
going, Hey,
this is what we were supposed to do.
And then, then one of her big questions is, how do I deal
with my reality versus fantasy expectations?
How could you not have had the expectation
and you would be doing something once you moved in together?
- And I'm, I'm gonna be kind of blunt on something.
Um, I'm, I'm a little shocked that
after they moved in together,
that they were no longer long distance
and all this started happening, um, you know, from context
of reading, kink is an important part of her life.
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
So I am, I'm a little shocked that even though things were
far from what she had hoped them to be Mm-Hmm.
, um, you know, expectation wise, um,
that she even married him.
- And, you know, and, and I, being an outsider,
I can look in and go, oh, yeah, I'm, I'm surprised too.
I agree with you. Having been in a relationship, several,
several relationships over my life in different ways,
both romantic Mm-Hmm.
and just platonic where, you know,
what this person is capable of, and you see their potential.
Too many of us marry, get committed
to have a serious relationship,
however you wanna define it with potential instead
of the person in front of us.
And so, if there was still the thought
and even the conversations that, oh yeah,
we will, we will, we will.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, it,
I understand being hopeful.
I understand going, I know who you are.
I thought I knew who you were for six years. Okay. Yeah.
Can we get back to that? I know exactly what you mean.
And I think, and I, if I didn't have my own experiences,
I think I'd be like, yeah, I, I don't get it
either, but I do get it.
Okay. I absolutely,
that first time married potential
not what was in front of me.
And I go back to, and we said this in a previous, uh, q
and a, where she is outlining all these
things that are not good.
Mm-Hmm. broken promises, essentially. Yeah.
From my perspective.
And then says, but everything else is so, so good.
And I, maybe, maybe that is your life and only you know it,
and I'm not gonna sit here
and tell you that you're wrong about your life.
But here's what I'm gonna tell you from just my experience.
When a partner falls down on the job that hard
in one area of life, it's just not that unusual for there
to be other parts that they're not
fulfilling their obligations.
Yeah. If this was the biggest thing that brought you to one
of the biggest things that brought you together
and kept you connected in a long distance
relationship Mm-Hmm.
for six years. Mm-Hmm.
. That's a long time.
Yeah. It's, and that's like a, a,
you know, there's a word I can't think of it.
Like, there's just this, this is the, the defining thing
of your relationship or one of them.
Right. 'cause lots of things go into a relationship. Mm-Hmm.
. And it's never happening in three years.
All I can think is, okay, what other parts of your life are,
is he not fulfilling commitments
or is he saying that he's gonna do a thing
and then it's not following through?
And maybe those things are easier, you know, for a partner
to deal with or to pick up the pieces
or to, you know, be kind and go, he's got a stressful job.
He's got a stressful job. And I, okay.
So I, over our years together, I have al always tried
to give you a lot of grace when life
has gotten stressful for you.
Mm-Hmm. . Because, and I think this submissive
may understand it as well.
We un I understand the amount of responsibility you have
as the dominant and the decider in our relationship.
Yeah. You take a lot of control, you take a lot of power.
I give it to you. I go, yes, you can decide these things.
Yes. You can be the one leading this part
of the train on this part of the track.
Like those kinds of things.
And when stress comes into,
you know, hits your life, Mm-Hmm.
, I am sometimes more empathetic than maybe
I ought to be because I,
and I think this submissive might be the same way.
I will put my needs on the back burner
because I understand how stressed you are,
and I don't wanna add to your stress.
Mm-Hmm. . And I want you to work
through your stress so we can get back to us.
Uh, I, I get that. I get that a lot.
But I also think that there is a, a line
where we have gone past, oh, his job is stressful to,
you are being neglected in a relationship
you thought you were supposed to have.
And I'm not hearing any part of this about
how we've had a conversation and he told me this
and I didn't have expectations.
Being stressed out does not mean that all
of your obligations go away.
It means that your top obligation, as do as dominant, is
to talk to me Yeah.
And say, things are stressful
and here's where I'm falling down and here's
what I can do and here's what I can't do.
And how are we gonna work through this together?
That's the obligation a dominant has not to get a free pass
because their life is stressful.
Like, I'll give you a free pass for, so, for a while. Right.
But then there has to come a point where,
and I think, you know, I,
I'm not sure I could wait three years to have Yeah.
- No, what, - What, uh, I would call a come
to Jesus. Right. You know, what
- Are we doing here?
I, I mean, let, let's be honest about this. Okay.
I have gone through my cycles of life where it was Yeah.
The, the DSS aspect was hard. Right. Okay.
I fully expect that at some point
in life, you're gonna have that.
Sure. Okay. It's cyclical for everybody.
Um, but even when
I did not have the bandwidth to engage with that,
we still had our protocols.
- And hell, you just talked to me, you just let me know
where you were at.
Like, this is what's going on with me if I didn't know.
Right? Mm-Hmm. ,
this is what's going on with me.
This is how I'm feeling. This is what, what's hard.
And we didn't come
to those conversations always level-headed.
Sometimes shit had to get really bad. Yeah.
And then there had to be a blow up. Mm-Hmm. .
And then I had to give you the side eye of, I,
I know you're not talking to me
and you need to be talking to me,
and then you would talk to me.
Right. Like, I, I get it.
It's not, you know, regardless
of our roles in power exchange, we're humans
and, you know, stress is gonna get to us
and life is gonna get to us,
and we're not gonna utilize all of our skills,
but three years of not utilizing
- Our skills.
Yeah. Yeah. And,
and again, that, that's, that's shocking to me.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, especially when, you know,
it said they're 45.
- Yes. He, the dom is 45
- And, and has been in the lifestyle since 19.
- He's 19. Yeah. Mm mm And I don't, I don't doubt it. Yeah.
But I'm gonna go, okay, well, what, what skills beyond the,
the fuckery does, does he have Yeah.
Did he not pick up communication skills, consent,
like you were consenting this relationship based on a
premise of what it was gonna be?
And it, from the read on this question,
it does not seem like there was ever a, a conversation had
before marriage even.
Yeah. Of, I can't, like, I can't do this right now,
or I don't wanna do this
until we're this situation. And like
- We, we kind of fell on the other end
of the spectrum when we went from long distance to
- Right. We overdid
- It, we overdid it.
Mm-Hmm. we, you know, sat down
and said, okay, this is gonna be, that's gonna be,
this is is what
we're gonna do and this is how
it's gonna be. And, you know, and I think
- That's - Blew up in our face
and we had to step back and restructure.
- Right. And I think that's probably more common for a lot
of long distance relationships who go in person.
Because that excitement,
it's almost like you get a fresh wave
of new relationship energy.
Mm-Hmm. 'cause your relationship is transitioned
to this thing you've been longing for, for however long,
and you just go overboard.
It's like maybe a, maybe a type of frenzy, if you will.
Mm-Hmm. . So my, so I go down,
let's get down to the Okay.
Her actual questions.
Um, and I had some, I had some thoughts.
I actually made, made notes,
so I would remember that .
So here are, you know, some of the,
let's go back to the questions themselves.
All right. Any advice on how
to ease into roles when the head wants
it, but the body is tired?
Any advice for dominant burnout
and any advice for leveling expectation versus, uh, reality?
And I'm, I am gonna, I believe you,
I'm not gonna question it even if I'm giving a little bit
of side eye to the,
we have established this is actually something we want
to seriously prioritize going forward in our relationship.
Um, so, okay. Mm-Hmm. .
So let's answer those questions. Okay.
And, and talk about that part.
My first thought on all of this is to wonder if
during the long distance relationship, if the fantasy of
that was easy.
'cause there was distance Mm-Hmm. .
And then when coming together, the reality
was overwhelming for him.
- Yeah. Yeah. And, and that is entirely possible
because when you are long distance,
you rely a lot on that fantasy.
Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Mm-Hmm.
, you know, because that, that is
how you make a, make a connection long distance.
Mm-Hmm. , um, you know, not necessarily,
I mean, we had our fantasy times.
Sure. You know, but we also
had other things that grounded us.
- Yeah. I mean, we were always all sexy
DSS talk all the time.
Right. You know, we would talk about
other parts of life. Mm-Hmm.
- . So, you know, yeah.
It, it's easy to get up, get caught up in, you know,
because you're, you know, you're talking on the phone
and you're texting and, you know, hot, sexy texts, you know,
this and that emails, you know, so yes.
It's very easy to get caught up in that.
- And if they moved in together right, as like, the height
of everything with covid lockdowns
and the stress, the what ifs
and all of that, I could absolutely see where
that would be a kink boner killer. Like I
- Could - See where you'd be like,
- Yeah, yeah, - Yeah.
Maybe, maybe I don't have the bandwidth for this. Right.
- Been there, done that. Got the T-shirt.
- Yeah. Right. And then we get into, and this is the heart.
How do you get, the head wants it, the body's tired.
I think it's more of a habit thing.
And what I mean by that is if it started,
if they came together Mm-Hmm.
the height of something like covid at a,
the height of a stressful period, regardless
of what that stressful period is.
And then, you know, maybe he was confronted with, oh, the,
the fantasy felt easier than this reality.
And this is a lot. Right? Mm-Hmm.
, I think it's also easy to,
and I don't know if easy is the right word,
I think it's possible and probable
and likely to build it up in your head, the fact
that you had the fantasy, the reality Mm-Hmm.
was a little jarring. There's been all this
stress, we couldn't do what we wanted to do.
Then there was, okay, we're gonna wait until marriage
for sex and kinky sex, then is, would be off the table.
Yeah. Right. Um,
and so there's almost a little bit
of mindfuck yourself in a bad way
of the longer you don't do it,
the more you convince yourself it's gonna be hard to do it.
Yeah. Again, does that make sense?
- It, it does. And,
and yet, one of the things I'm thinking of where in,
in this listening to you talk about this, um, I,
I wonder if it's possible that either one
of them manage their expectations.
- Mm. I mean, maybe then that's where I'm,
I'll give this the, the, the dom some grace.
If the expectation was it will be this way
when she moves in.
Mm-Hmm. . And then
life in general was a shit show
'cause of covid because of whatever else.
Yeah. Then, and the fantasy
and the LDR was somehow easier air quote that easier
on the DSS side, on the kink side, then the reality
of having this person right in front of you.
Yeah. You know, I, I can see where you could become
so overwhelmed that you kind of just shut down.
I still don't consider that an excuse
for not communicating clearly.
Right. And please don't tell me you've been in this decades
and not have hard conversations.
I'm not impressed by that. Mm-Hmm.
not a fucking all. Now the other thing
about dominant burnout.
Burnout lasts as long as it lasts in, in whatever way.
Mm-Hmm. , my question is,
after three years, is it dominant
burnout that you're dealing with?
Or is it the burnout that comes from feeling guilty
but never acting on your guilt or dealing with your guilt
or communicating about your guilt for three years?
Because that would,
because here's the thing, if I am charitable
and go, he wants this Mm-Hmm.
, he wanted it then he wants it now.
But he, the, the gap between who, where he is now
and where he wants to get, feels too big and too wide.
And it's overwhelming. And Mm-Hmm.
and I, I am sympathetic to that overwhelm.
I can, I can imagine to, to me,
if I'm being terrible and assuming that that's all real
and he, this was not just leading somebody on Mm-Hmm.
then that tells me
that if this person is any kind of decent human being, then
for the past three years of not clearly communicating
where things had gone off the rails,
there's probably gonna be a lot of guilt there.
Because, you know, you had six years
building this up Mm-Hmm.
and creating these expectations of
what life would be like when you got together.
Yeah. And then now you're together, together
for three years, married now
for months, however long Mm-Hmm.
since the end of 2022.
And none of the things that you've ta you talked about
or planned, have come to fruition
- Have come to fruition. Yeah.
- And you're not talking about it, so, oh,
is it dominant burnout or is it burnout
from feeling guilty for
- Three years?
Yeah. I mean, you know, let's be honest about this.
You can make, anybody can make grand plans. Oh, sure.
Alright. But the reality of it is,
the plans don't always pan out.
Mm-Hmm. . Alright.
So again, that, that comes down to managing expectations.
You know, I, I know for me, I'm gonna be shocked by this,
you know, I, I have control issues . I know
- Right?
You are the worst when you feel out of control.
- . Right. I, I know. I I like to be in charge.
Mm-Hmm. . I like, you know,
that something, that's a part of me.
Right? Alright. So when I go through those things, when,
when life rears its ugly fucking head and,
and screws with you.
Yeah. I need to step back.
But then there comes a point where things settle down or,
or you know, whatever.
Okay. I, I want to get back on this train. Right,
- Right.
When you were, when you're out of control in other areas
of your life, you don't handle it well at all.
Mm-Hmm. , you are not, you're not
the best version of yourself.
No. Um, and you can become petulant.
You can become downright pouty, .
Um, which by the way, uh, pro tip,
telling your dom who's in overwhelm and stressed
and feeling out of control about every other part
of his life that he's being pouty does not usually
yield the results would
- Expect .
- So if all, let's say all of that's been going on, right?
My, to answer all of these questions Mm-Hmm.
to me, they all get answered kind of together.
Because if you're dealing with burnout of any sort, right?
If you're dealing with head wants, body doesn't body does,
head doesn't whatever, that disconnect where part
of you is like, yes, please.
And part of you is like, holy shit, I don't think I can.
And you're trying to get your expectations, you know,
in line with reality.
The thing I would tell you for how
to maybe get started again, is to start
with easy and fun.
Yeah. Like not the super serious, you know, all the,
maybe the laundry list of things y'all had planned
while you were still long distance.
What is something that you mutually miss about
what you did in kink
during the long distance relationship Mm-Hmm.
or that you talked about that you would do in,
in person, whether it's a certain kind of kinky sex,
whether it's a certain kind of rule or protocol or task
or something that would be part of your life.
And I'm gonna say, you, you pick one thing, one thing
that gets you both hot and bothered and like Yeah.
That, that really does it.
And then you might have to ease into it. You might have to
- Low and slow - Deconstruct the steps it takes to get to,
here's how we see this in our mind.
And do baby steps that way.
Let's say it's, you know,
you wanna be naked at a certain time
of day kneeling on the ground with your, your collar on it
and greet your dom at the door like that.
Right? Ooh. I know,
- I know, I - Know, huh.
It's doing it for me right now. Um, but that's a lot.
And that's a lot to get to.
And that might feel overwhelming for one or both of you.
And I would say reading this,
I don't think it'll feel overwhelming
for you if that was your thing.
I think it would feel overwhelming for your,
okay, well where do you start?
How do you deconstruct that?
Well, the first part is may,
maybe it's the first part is wearing a collar.
Maybe the first part is greeting him out the door.
And there's no nudity. There's no kneeling. Mm-Hmm.
. There's, there's this, I'm going to,
I'm gonna consistently do this for you Right.
As you're submissive and I'm gonna do that
until you're like, yeah, this is, this is what we do.
Mm-Hmm. And then mm-Hmm. Add another step to it.
- I mean, it could be something as simple, you know,
if this person has such a stressful job, um,
do they have a special drink
that they enjoy when they come home
and make a special drink, what relaxes them?
Right. Regardless of what it's, I mean,
just like you do my coffee, right. You know,
- Can you offer as a submissive,
you're stressed out dom something that relaxes 'em
that is not related to kink,
but the fact that you're doing it as they're submissive.
Right. That's what makes it kinky.
So that is where, that's where I would tell you to start
to deal with both burnout and the disconnect between mind
and body and the what, what,
how do we manage our expectations and keep this to reality?
Like you said, low and slow. Mm-Hmm.
, you, you can start in any
aspect of it that you want.
The options might actually be overwhelming.
'cause it's like, well, what kind of submissive are you?
Are you a service submissive? Okay.
What kind of service can you
provide that your dom would want?
Right. Is it mostly a sexual submission thing? Okay.
Well, what is a small easy to accomplish thing
that you both really enjoy Yeah.
And maybe have really missed, but you genuinely,
you do one thing that sounds fun
and exciting to both of you.
And and this is often the hardest part,
and everybody is gonna get through this in their own
time and in their own way.
You push through the anxiety.
You don't push through boundaries.
You don't push
through limits. That's not what I'm talking about.
Mm-Hmm. . But that, that feeling of, oh my God,
I have, we haven't done this in
so long, can I really do this?
Right. Am I really ready for this?
You might be able to barrel through
that like the Kool-Aid man.
Or you might have to inch toward it
and open the door inch by inch to get through there.
But at some point there's gotta be that discomfort
of we haven't done this in a long time, will this work?
Right. You have to push through that. Mm-Hmm.
, I can't tell you how long that will take
to push through, but that is ultimately the thing.
Yeah. But start with something fun
- And, and I think exciting, um, you know,
if it hasn't been done yet, need
to have a a a sit down heart to heart about expectations
between the two of them.
- I would say before they do that, they need,
and the, uh, maybe that's this piggybacks
the conversation I would want you to have
is about clear fucking communication.
Mm-Hmm. , your dom's gotta get to a point
where if he starts feeling overwhelmed
and it's like, uhoh, can we do this?
He's gotta fucking tell you. Yeah.
If things are too stressful
and he is so overwhelmed, he can't feel, feel,
doesn't feel like he can function in the way
that you both expect him to function.
He's gotta fucking tell you.
And quite frankly, until he can get to that point,
how the fuck do you trust him to follow
through on anything he says
- He'll do.
I mean, it doesn't matter how many years
you have in the lifestyle, if that entire time was spent
doing scenes, you know, in order to have a relationship
with kink intertwined in that relationship, you need
to have communication skills.
Mm-Hmm. . I mean, I didn't always have
good communication skills. No. We're
- Constantly working on - Those.
It's, it's a muscle that you have
to exercise. Mm-Hmm. .
- And, and this can be hard for Doms, especially if,
you know, 20, 30 years in the lifestyle
that's a little old school.
That means that he's probably been around some, you know,
bullshit that says doms are
supposed to behave a certain way or
- Whatever.
Well, probably old guard, maybe high protocol, maybe.
- But here's the deal. We live in the year
of our Lord 2023 .
And, um, if he wants to have a relationship with you,
that's kinky, he's gonna have to learn how to get vulnerable
and tell you the hard fucking thing.
Mm-Hmm. . And it is a skill,
and I don't have a lot of patience for people who tell me
how experienced they are, but then don't have that skill.
But I also understand that it's a skill and it's a muscle.
And if you haven't been using that muscle Yeah.
It's not gonna be as strong as it once was.
So this was not a short episode at all, .
But that's the thing. I would, I think the,
let's recap the submissive Mm-Hmm.
in this situation.
That's Lola howling in the background.
has every right to feel led on.
And quite frankly, if you're not pissed off,
I just know I'm pissed for you.
Okay. . Um, if this was not a situation
where this partner genuinely just led you the fuck on,
and now you're here and you, you know,
and you have had the heart to heart
and there's a genuine desire on both parts
to try this again, uh, one,
there's gotta be a commitment from your dom to,
to communicate more clearly Yeah.
And more often and be vulnerable.
Two, and they have to fucking follow through. Okay. Right.
Two, to get through the burnout, the, the expectation,
the like, how do we do this?
Again, start with something fun, exciting, simple
- And simple.
- Simple. Even if you take a big thing that's exciting
and just break it down into teeny tiny steps,
or you think about what you want, like you personally
as a submissive, what you want and need as a submissive,
and then what they want and need and might like
and are like kind of curious about kind of thing.
And then match that up and start with one thing. Yeah.
And then, and I don't think our submissive person
who has asked this question might have this problem,
but Dominic definitely might.
You're gonna have to push through anxiety.
And that that discomfort of can I do this? Can we do this?
You know? True, true. Not boundaries of limits.
We don't push through those Mm-Hmm.
But we push through discomfort when we're trying a thing
that we, we've told ourselves,
we've mind fucked ourselves out of doing
because of whatever else was going on.
And that might take more time than anything else,
but that would be, yeah.
Uh, I, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope that this is just,
you know, a fucked up time in your relationship
and that you both really are on the same page.
Mm-Hmm. . And that you both genuinely want this
together and that you can find your way right
back to one another.
Um, that's what I hope. Yeah.
I'm gonna, I might remain skeptical
and for now though, but that's what I hope for you.
So. Okay.
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