1 00:00:10,985 --> 00:00:13,605 You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Okay. The Lord's here. 2 00:00:13,605 --> 00:00:14,425 We're the one, the only, 3 00:00:14,425 --> 00:00:18,325 the well enough to sit down and record this q and a episode. John Brownstone. 4 00:00:18,995 --> 00:00:19,595 Yeah. 5 00:00:19,595 --> 00:00:21,645 Yeah. We had to take last week off. Mm-Hmm. , 6 00:00:21,645 --> 00:00:23,245 because you were recovering. I was. 7 00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:25,765 In rough. 8 00:00:25,765 --> 00:00:29,245 Shape. You were Thank goodness for antibiotics. Yep. And the good meds. Mm-Hmm. 9 00:00:29,285 --> 00:00:30,445 . Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . But you're, uh, 10 00:00:30,555 --> 00:00:33,925 healthy and whole. Yep. And here we are. We're gonna answer another question. 11 00:00:33,925 --> 00:00:34,758 Once again. 12 00:00:35,115 --> 00:00:39,845 This week we are answering a question about a, 13 00:00:40,045 --> 00:00:43,805 a DSS couple where they've negotiated it, they've arranged it, 14 00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:49,165 but the dom keeps kind of tapping out and leaving the submissive hanging, 15 00:00:49,265 --> 00:00:51,245 and their needs are not getting fulfilled. 16 00:00:51,755 --> 00:00:55,085 It's kind of like when we did a few weeks ago, but this one is the, 17 00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:59,965 we've done all the things we're supposed to do. Right? I've made my needs clear. 18 00:01:00,145 --> 00:01:02,525 Mm-Hmm. . But this keeps happening, happening. 19 00:01:02,745 --> 00:01:05,565 So that's what we're talking about. Okay. Answering this week. 20 00:01:05,995 --> 00:01:09,245 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. Uh, if you are new here, 21 00:01:09,345 --> 00:01:11,765 we help kink sisters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships, 22 00:01:12,105 --> 00:01:16,085 and sometimes we do that by answering your questions . Um, 23 00:01:16,265 --> 00:01:19,125 if you enjoy this, please add the podcast to your favorite podcast apps. 24 00:01:19,125 --> 00:01:20,605 You never miss an episode. Uh, 25 00:01:20,625 --> 00:01:25,005 and if you'd like us to answer your question in AQ and a episode, uh, 26 00:01:25,025 --> 00:01:29,485 you can use our contact page labeled appropriately. Ask your questions. Mm-Hmm. 27 00:01:29,525 --> 00:01:31,445 on our website@lovingbdsm.net. 28 00:01:31,865 --> 00:01:35,405 And that link is also in the show notes, uh, for this episode. But again, 29 00:01:35,425 --> 00:01:38,485 you can go to loving bdsm.net and it's like right there in the menu. 30 00:01:38,785 --> 00:01:43,045 Try to make it obvious. Ask your question. Okay. Let's get into the question. 31 00:01:43,385 --> 00:01:45,525 Um, it's a little bit longer than some of the ones we've had. 32 00:01:45,525 --> 00:01:48,925 There's some details. So I'm, I'm gonna just read it. 33 00:01:49,365 --> 00:01:53,085 I recently listened to an episode where you covered the topic of kink as an 34 00:01:53,365 --> 00:01:56,165 identity versus a behavior sometimes performed. 35 00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:59,765 I feel like this resonated a lot with the struggles me and my dom are going 36 00:01:59,765 --> 00:02:04,645 through in that oftentimes he taps out of Dom Headspace and leaves me and my 37 00:02:04,645 --> 00:02:07,765 needs as a sub hanging. This isn't in a malicious way. 38 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:12,245 I understand he has a lot more responsibility with work and doming me 24 7 can 39 00:02:12,245 --> 00:02:13,445 be tiring. However, 40 00:02:13,815 --> 00:02:17,645 often I'm left with a sense that my needs aren't being fulfilled while he always 41 00:02:17,645 --> 00:02:19,605 gets something out of it when he wants to play. 42 00:02:20,025 --> 00:02:22,245 It could come across that he's unwilling to give a little, 43 00:02:22,305 --> 00:02:27,045 to at least help me get by on myself and feels very all or nothing 44 00:02:27,545 --> 00:02:30,685 for reference. Our main dynamics include DDLG, 45 00:02:30,825 --> 00:02:35,205 pet play and brading with the latter being the worst offender for not receiving 46 00:02:35,485 --> 00:02:37,925 anything back when the effort is put in on my side. 47 00:02:38,445 --> 00:02:41,645 I really wanna make this work between us as everything else in our relationship 48 00:02:41,665 --> 00:02:46,485 is happy, but we're at a wall as to how to navigate these moments. Mm. 49 00:02:47,545 --> 00:02:49,085 So let me get this straight. 50 00:02:49,905 --> 00:02:54,285 Dom agreed to dom in certain ways. Mm-Hmm. , um, to, 51 00:02:54,865 --> 00:02:55,485 uh, 52 00:02:55,485 --> 00:03:00,365 reciprocate gets what they're wanting and needing out of 53 00:03:00,465 --> 00:03:02,125 the play out of the moment. Right. 54 00:03:02,385 --> 00:03:05,285 But then because they're tired or they have work, 55 00:03:06,035 --> 00:03:10,965 they're not giving their submissive partner what their 56 00:03:10,965 --> 00:03:14,365 submissive partner wants and needs as well. And so said, 57 00:03:14,365 --> 00:03:18,005 submissive is then left hanging, but things are good and, 58 00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:20,285 and thing you're happy. How are things? Good? 59 00:03:21,165 --> 00:03:25,925 I know. Um, I, I'm assuming good in other ways other than the dss. 60 00:03:26,085 --> 00:03:30,645 I know, but here's, I'm, this is gonna me being very high, uh, very critical. 61 00:03:30,645 --> 00:03:33,085 Mm-Hmm. , and of course, we don't know the whole situation. Right. 62 00:03:33,265 --> 00:03:37,125 But my thought is, if you have a partner that leaves you hanging in pleasure, 63 00:03:37,475 --> 00:03:41,405 they surely leave you hanging in other parts of life. Hmm. 64 00:03:41,765 --> 00:03:45,285 A person doesn't typically in, in my experience, 65 00:03:45,285 --> 00:03:49,805 at least fall down on the job only in one section of life. Yeah. 66 00:03:49,835 --> 00:03:54,605 There's usually something else where they're either not putting in 67 00:03:54,685 --> 00:03:59,445 equal effort or they've got a lot of reasons why they can't do something. 68 00:04:00,265 --> 00:04:03,645 And I say that as a person who has absolutely had partners that I, 69 00:04:04,005 --> 00:04:08,205 I gave all the grace to, and I made all the excuses. Um, 70 00:04:08,875 --> 00:04:10,205 it's entirely possible this, 71 00:04:10,235 --> 00:04:13,685 this person is absolutely happy with everything else. It's this one spot. 72 00:04:13,825 --> 00:04:18,005 So if that's the case, and my initial thought is, 73 00:04:18,005 --> 00:04:20,725 does this person even really the dom person, I mean, 74 00:04:21,065 --> 00:04:23,085 really even want to be doing what they're doing? 75 00:04:23,355 --> 00:04:25,325 Yeah. Yeah. I've, I've got. 76 00:04:25,865 --> 00:04:26,698 You've got thoughts? 77 00:04:26,715 --> 00:04:30,845 I've got thoughts. I'm, I'm going to, to start with the, 78 00:04:31,785 --> 00:04:35,125 um, most pleasant Okay. Okay. Of the thoughts first. You're better. 79 00:04:35,125 --> 00:04:35,765 Than me. 80 00:04:35,765 --> 00:04:40,005 . Okay. One of, one of the fir one of the, the first things I thought of, 81 00:04:40,785 --> 00:04:44,925 um, in this, you know, when they talk about how, you know, 82 00:04:44,925 --> 00:04:48,885 they have a lot of work responsibilities and whatnot, um, you know, 83 00:04:49,145 --> 00:04:53,845 is it a possibility that in their negotiations and setting up their 84 00:04:54,065 --> 00:04:57,525 DSS and, and everything that they're doing that, that it's, 85 00:04:57,555 --> 00:05:01,365 it's overwhelming to the dom. To the dom. Sure. You know, I mean, that, 86 00:05:01,365 --> 00:05:04,405 that is entirely impossible early on, 87 00:05:04,575 --> 00:05:08,565 especially after we moved in, after being long distance, 88 00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:13,965 we kind of fell into that trap that, you know, too many things at once. 89 00:05:14,135 --> 00:05:14,485 Right. 90 00:05:14,485 --> 00:05:15,245 It was overwhelming for. 91 00:05:15,245 --> 00:05:19,205 Both of us. And, and it was overwhelming for both of us at that point. So, 92 00:05:19,265 --> 00:05:23,445 you know, this could be one of those things where, okay, you know, 93 00:05:23,735 --> 00:05:28,525 let's step back. Let's renegotiate this. Right. Um, you know, 94 00:05:28,525 --> 00:05:29,305 because we, 95 00:05:29,305 --> 00:05:33,685 we all well and know all know well too 96 00:05:34,555 --> 00:05:39,125 good. You know, what happens when life throws shit at you. Oh, sure. 97 00:05:39,225 --> 00:05:40,605 You know, with, with the dss. 98 00:05:40,945 --> 00:05:44,325 So this may just be a case where they need to step back, 99 00:05:45,555 --> 00:05:49,045 renegotiate and simplify things a little bit. You know. 100 00:05:49,045 --> 00:05:52,765 This also means that that dominant partner has to be willing to admit that 101 00:05:52,765 --> 00:05:54,565 things are overwhelming Yes. And that things are not working. 102 00:05:55,085 --> 00:05:58,045 Absolutely. Absolutely. Um, you know, know that, that, that is, 103 00:05:58,115 --> 00:06:02,245 that is very much a huge part of it. Um, you know, 104 00:06:03,265 --> 00:06:06,205 but step back renegotiate. Um, 105 00:06:07,555 --> 00:06:11,205 they would need the, the sub would need to, at that point, I would say, 106 00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:12,205 kind of say, okay, well, 107 00:06:12,275 --> 00:06:17,165 what is the most important need that I have Right. 108 00:06:17,305 --> 00:06:21,485 To be met? And incorporate that into the simplest, you know, of, 109 00:06:21,505 --> 00:06:23,205 of the negotiations of the dynamic. 110 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:26,365 What's my bare minimum that will make me happy and feel fulfilled? 111 00:06:26,455 --> 00:06:26,915 Right. 112 00:06:26,915 --> 00:06:30,405 That I will accept Mm-Hmm. and what can they give? Right. 113 00:06:31,025 --> 00:06:32,485 So, you know, that, 114 00:06:32,595 --> 00:06:37,085 that I think is the nicety of it. Yes. Okay. 115 00:06:37,425 --> 00:06:42,245 That's being charitable and assuming that the dominant partner wants 116 00:06:42,245 --> 00:06:44,685 to be a full participant. Mm-Hmm. and is Mm-Hmm. 117 00:06:44,725 --> 00:06:46,605 is not communicated for. 118 00:06:46,625 --> 00:06:50,005 And I can see there being reasons why a dominant partner would not communicate 119 00:06:50,005 --> 00:06:52,765 that they're feeling overwhelmed if they have it in their head, 120 00:06:52,765 --> 00:06:56,765 that that somehow makes them less dominant, or that that's not a dominant trait, 121 00:06:56,985 --> 00:07:01,085 or, you know, that they're failing somehow. I mean, I, you know, I can, 122 00:07:01,705 --> 00:07:06,565 if I'm being charitable. Yeah, I can absolutely see that. Sure. Um, 123 00:07:07,105 --> 00:07:07,965 so yes, the, 124 00:07:07,985 --> 00:07:12,405 the charitable answer is maybe you need to renegotiate because maybe dom's 125 00:07:12,405 --> 00:07:13,365 feeling overwhelmed. 126 00:07:13,665 --> 00:07:17,445 By everything. Overwhelmed. Okay. Okay. Um, now the not so charitable. 127 00:07:18,125 --> 00:07:19,245 Response, Uhhuh, uhhuh, , uhhuh. 128 00:07:19,285 --> 00:07:23,205 , um, you know, I, I'm sorry if, if, 129 00:07:23,425 --> 00:07:28,085 if this is, is is negotiated, they are not pulling their weight. 130 00:07:29,705 --> 00:07:32,725 Uh, it's, it's frustrating because there's, there's a, 131 00:07:32,845 --> 00:07:36,925 a responsibility that both partners bear. But from a power exchange perspective, 132 00:07:36,925 --> 00:07:40,285 there's a responsibility that a dominant bears that they said, okay, 133 00:07:40,465 --> 00:07:43,245 I'm going to take control going, I'm. 134 00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:44,485 Going do X, Y, z. I'm. 135 00:07:44,485 --> 00:07:46,725 Going to do these things and be in control of these things. 136 00:07:46,865 --> 00:07:51,165 And my partner's going to give up some level of power to then not 137 00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:56,765 follow through and make sure that at least enough 138 00:07:56,825 --> 00:07:59,285 of the times, Mm-Hmm. some of the times Mm-Hmm. 139 00:07:59,325 --> 00:08:03,685 that your submissive partner is feeling fulfilled and getting back 140 00:08:03,755 --> 00:08:05,725 what they're putting into it. I, you know, sure. 141 00:08:05,725 --> 00:08:08,885 We've had these conversations because of energies, 142 00:08:08,885 --> 00:08:11,045 because of circumstances, 143 00:08:11,045 --> 00:08:14,645 because of physical and mental wellness or illness. 144 00:08:14,915 --> 00:08:19,605 Like you can't always give your full hundred percent all of the time at your 145 00:08:19,605 --> 00:08:20,725 peak like you would want to. 146 00:08:21,385 --> 00:08:22,325 No, nobody can. Nobody. 147 00:08:22,345 --> 00:08:27,325 Can. But when that happens, you have to communicate, Hey, this is going on. 148 00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:31,725 Hey, that's going on. But, but more often than not, 149 00:08:32,165 --> 00:08:36,445 a partner who is giving should be receiving something, 150 00:08:36,795 --> 00:08:37,505 something. 151 00:08:37,505 --> 00:08:42,325 It should not be that the little bit they receive are the crumbs are the, 152 00:08:42,475 --> 00:08:46,885 that it happens so infrequently and I'm, this is me filling in blanks here. 153 00:08:47,045 --> 00:08:48,845 I don't know this, but this is where my mind goes. 154 00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:54,005 They're probably receiving so infrequently that they're grateful 155 00:08:54,005 --> 00:08:57,325 for it when they get it. Yeah. That is a, um, 156 00:08:58,155 --> 00:09:02,685 lack of responsibility on the dominant partners part. Sure. 157 00:09:02,685 --> 00:09:05,245 That took advantage of what they get as a dominant Mm-Hmm. 158 00:09:05,285 --> 00:09:07,805 and won't give back. And you know what, you know what? 159 00:09:07,805 --> 00:09:11,365 People do have stressful jobs and work can be a lot, 160 00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:16,245 but I know from experience that if JB knows he can't 161 00:09:17,075 --> 00:09:20,445 give at the level that he's gonna receive at, 162 00:09:20,475 --> 00:09:23,365 then we are not doing any fucking thing. Yeah. Because it's, 163 00:09:23,555 --> 00:09:25,405 it's not supposed to be one sided and. 164 00:09:25,505 --> 00:09:28,285 And not all of the time. And, you know, while we, while, 165 00:09:28,285 --> 00:09:32,725 while I am not absolutely perfect, you know, for the most part, 166 00:09:33,005 --> 00:09:37,285 I do try to communicate that to you Right. At times, you know, when, 167 00:09:37,355 --> 00:09:39,765 when I see those things coming on. Right. 168 00:09:39,785 --> 00:09:43,845 And, and that's a practicing, you get better at it over time. You know, it, 169 00:09:43,905 --> 00:09:48,685 can I go back to it depends on how each partner views 170 00:09:48,735 --> 00:09:51,765 their individual roles in power exchange and, 171 00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:55,285 and the stereotypes and the cliches and the fantasy they have in their head. 172 00:09:55,285 --> 00:09:55,625 Mm-Hmm. . 173 00:09:55,625 --> 00:10:00,205 And it is very easy for a dominant to not want to admit air quote 174 00:10:00,605 --> 00:10:01,395 weakness. 175 00:10:01,395 --> 00:10:04,925 It's very easy for a submissive to give too much because they're afraid of 176 00:10:05,035 --> 00:10:09,325 letting their partner down. That is not uncommon at all. 177 00:10:09,545 --> 00:10:13,965 And it comes back to communicating before you get in the middle of it. To me, 178 00:10:13,965 --> 00:10:18,325 Mm-Hmm. short of a medical fucking emergency. 179 00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,245 If you are in the middle of the fucking scene, 180 00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:23,285 you are in the middle of the moment and the dom has gotten what they want, 181 00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:26,685 they have to follow through. I kind of don't care how tired you are. Well. 182 00:10:26,685 --> 00:10:27,085 You know. 183 00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:29,845 I really don't have patience or kindness. 184 00:10:30,245 --> 00:10:31,685 I don't have charitable thoughts for that. 185 00:10:32,225 --> 00:10:35,085 And, and you're absolutely right because, you know, here, 186 00:10:35,155 --> 00:10:38,245 this is something that has been negotiated. Mm-Hmm. . Okay. 187 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:41,205 So at that point there, once it's negotiated, 188 00:10:41,435 --> 00:10:44,725 that dominant has the responsibility Mm-Hmm. 189 00:10:44,765 --> 00:10:47,125 to follow through with their commitment. 190 00:10:47,425 --> 00:10:51,725 Now, let's be clear, either partner can withdraw their consent at any point. 191 00:10:51,795 --> 00:10:54,285 Sure. Nobody has to do anything they don't want to do. 192 00:10:54,745 --> 00:10:59,085 But if a dominant partner is constantly or consistently withdrawing their 193 00:10:59,085 --> 00:11:01,685 consent after they get what they need Mm-Hmm. , and they like, 194 00:11:01,905 --> 00:11:04,805 and they enjoy and leaving their partner hanging, 195 00:11:04,995 --> 00:11:08,405 then how is this a reciprocal power exchange anymore? 196 00:11:08,515 --> 00:11:11,885 Yeah. It's not, it's not, it's not, um, you know, they, 197 00:11:11,885 --> 00:11:15,645 they don't say how long this has been going on. Mm-Hmm. , um, 198 00:11:15,865 --> 00:11:17,085 you know, which is something, is, 199 00:11:17,185 --> 00:11:21,285 is this something that just kind of started short term or, you know, has, 200 00:11:21,285 --> 00:11:25,005 has this been going on for, for months and months? Or is. 201 00:11:25,005 --> 00:11:27,885 This, is this a feature of the relationship or a bug? 202 00:11:28,585 --> 00:11:30,805 Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. You know, I, I mean, 203 00:11:31,265 --> 00:11:34,405 not that I know a whole lot about brats. I don't have a bratt. 204 00:11:34,485 --> 00:11:38,525 I just have a very sassy individual. You do , you do 205 00:11:40,035 --> 00:11:43,645 . But you know, one, 206 00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:46,445 one of the things I do know about brats, um, 207 00:11:47,475 --> 00:11:49,565 when they bratt they want that. 208 00:11:50,515 --> 00:11:52,005 They're ratting for a reason. Right. 209 00:11:52,005 --> 00:11:52,305 Right. 210 00:11:52,305 --> 00:11:53,870 You know, subconscious or consciously. 211 00:11:53,875 --> 00:11:58,445 Yeah. Yeah. They, they want that for, for a lot of brats. They want that, 212 00:11:58,515 --> 00:12:02,525 that struggle, that push and pull Yeah. To the give and take of the interaction, 213 00:12:02,525 --> 00:12:04,685 the give and take of, of the interaction. And, 214 00:12:04,865 --> 00:12:07,005 and if you're a bratt and you're not getting that. 215 00:12:07,605 --> 00:12:08,385 Yeah. 216 00:12:08,385 --> 00:12:09,445 You, you know, now. 217 00:12:09,445 --> 00:12:11,725 You're just dissatisfied and, and Right. And. 218 00:12:12,195 --> 00:12:16,805 Yeah. So you know that that's a big thing too. And you know, 219 00:12:16,905 --> 00:12:21,485 not everybody's able to handle Brad's No. You know, let's be honest that that's. 220 00:12:21,505 --> 00:12:23,685 No, they're fun until you realize their work. Yeah. 221 00:12:23,885 --> 00:12:27,205 I say that as somebody who rides the line between SAS and Bratt. Yeah. 222 00:12:27,305 --> 00:12:28,045 The one thing I would say, 223 00:12:28,045 --> 00:12:33,005 because Brading typically requires a lot more mental energy 224 00:12:33,515 --> 00:12:35,045 from, from my perspective, 225 00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:37,205 in the things I've seen in the conversations I've had. Mm-Hmm. 226 00:12:37,245 --> 00:12:41,005 handling a bratt and ratting often requires mental energy, 227 00:12:41,315 --> 00:12:44,605 less physical until you get to a certain point, whatever. Right. 228 00:12:45,025 --> 00:12:49,925 And if the problem is that a dominant partner does not have the 229 00:12:49,925 --> 00:12:53,285 mental energy to handle it at the time, 230 00:12:54,395 --> 00:12:58,005 this is where communication is even more important. 231 00:12:58,735 --> 00:13:01,605 There are ways, and they're gonna be different for everybody, 232 00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:06,685 where you just sort of come up with kind of a code where you 233 00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:10,365 put, it's sort of like you put up the bat signal when you're ready to, like, 234 00:13:10,425 --> 00:13:13,125 you're feeling, in this case, you're feeling your brattiness. 235 00:13:13,265 --> 00:13:14,765 You want it to be reciprocated, 236 00:13:14,825 --> 00:13:19,525 but nobody wants to put that energy out and then have it just hang there and 237 00:13:19,525 --> 00:13:22,285 then fall away and it not be given back in some way. 238 00:13:22,505 --> 00:13:25,485 So if you can develop a shorthand, a system, 239 00:13:25,965 --> 00:13:30,365 a way of communicating where you can check in with your dominant partner to see, 240 00:13:30,465 --> 00:13:33,485 Hey, do you have the energy for this? Because it's a conversation. 241 00:13:33,495 --> 00:13:36,365 We've had a lot of, a lot in the past when we talk about brading, 242 00:13:36,675 --> 00:13:38,125 that it is a consent thing. 243 00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:43,085 The person who is being braided at and now has to respond in whatever way you 244 00:13:43,235 --> 00:13:47,005 both deem satisfying. They've gotta be ready for that. 245 00:13:47,025 --> 00:13:49,645 And they've gotta be in the moment and in the mindset. 246 00:13:49,905 --> 00:13:52,565 And if something's happening consistently, 247 00:13:52,695 --> 00:13:56,125 where a partner cannot give you that before, 248 00:13:56,355 --> 00:13:58,365 it's better to know that before you put that energy out, 249 00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:01,805 you may still be dissatisfied and, and unfulfilled. 250 00:14:01,805 --> 00:14:05,765 And that is a conversation about where is this relationship going? 251 00:14:05,905 --> 00:14:07,485 Is it supposed to continue? 252 00:14:07,665 --> 00:14:11,365 Are we actually as compatible as we thought we were in this? Right? Mm-Hmm. 253 00:14:11,405 --> 00:14:11,905 . 254 00:14:11,905 --> 00:14:16,805 But if you can find a balance of putting out a 255 00:14:16,805 --> 00:14:21,405 feeler to see, Hey, are you up for this? If they're never up for it, 256 00:14:21,725 --> 00:14:25,365 I think we're back to negotiation. Is this really what they want? Right. 257 00:14:25,505 --> 00:14:27,605 And then you're also back to, are you even compatible? 258 00:14:28,185 --> 00:14:32,685 But if what you find is that by giving them the chance to go Mm. Not right now. 259 00:14:32,735 --> 00:14:34,445 Maybe later, you know, 260 00:14:35,145 --> 00:14:40,085 and there's a balance over time of you 261 00:14:40,105 --> 00:14:44,765 get the fulfillment when you expect to get it right. Like you Mm-Hmm. 262 00:14:44,805 --> 00:14:47,725 say something. Or, I mean, it could be as simple as, you know, 263 00:14:47,785 --> 00:14:50,205 I'm feeling a little sassy today. How are you feeling? Well, 264 00:14:50,205 --> 00:14:53,165 then the answer would be be, I'm not feeling it. This is not the time. Right. 265 00:14:53,165 --> 00:14:56,245 Right. And so then, you know, okay, I'm, I'm gonna have to do something else. 266 00:14:56,925 --> 00:15:01,525 I mean, there, there, there have been times when, uh, Kayla has unleashed the, 267 00:15:01,625 --> 00:15:06,325 the sas and I've just been, no, this is not the common place for it. Right. 268 00:15:06,325 --> 00:15:06,605 But giving. 269 00:15:06,605 --> 00:15:11,005 You the opportunity to do that means I don't put that SAS energy out there and 270 00:15:11,005 --> 00:15:12,685 then either get nothing in return Mm-Hmm. 271 00:15:12,725 --> 00:15:16,125 or get the opposite of what is fun. Right? Yeah. , 272 00:15:16,795 --> 00:15:20,845 what that means is when I do put that energy out there and you're in the space 273 00:15:21,105 --> 00:15:24,205 to give it back as good as you're getting it Mm-Hmm. , 274 00:15:24,205 --> 00:15:28,765 then we're having a better time. Right. So there, I mean, again, 275 00:15:28,765 --> 00:15:30,205 I'll go back to a charitable thought. Mm-Hmm. 276 00:15:30,205 --> 00:15:34,325 There could be a managing expectations that yes, your energy levels may be off. 277 00:15:34,325 --> 00:15:36,005 Like you wanna bratt and get, 278 00:15:36,105 --> 00:15:39,805 and get that feedback from your partner more often than they're willing to 279 00:15:39,805 --> 00:15:43,605 accept it. The thing to figure out is are they ever willing to accept it? 280 00:15:43,605 --> 00:15:48,485 If you come up with this little like way of checking in before you 281 00:15:48,485 --> 00:15:52,805 do anything bratty, and they never give you the go ahead, 282 00:15:52,915 --> 00:15:56,805 then that would tell me that they don't actually want to participate in the 283 00:15:56,805 --> 00:16:00,365 ratting, then you're back to are you compatible or not? 284 00:16:00,865 --> 00:16:05,205 If there's a range of half the time they do, and half the time they don't, 285 00:16:06,195 --> 00:16:09,085 then you have to decide, is that enough for you? Right. 286 00:16:09,305 --> 00:16:11,445 Are you fulfilled with that? Um, 287 00:16:11,465 --> 00:16:14,165 and I think that's true of any other kind of play. I, you know, 288 00:16:14,185 --> 00:16:17,485 in the list that they have DDLG, that can be kind of ongoing. 289 00:16:17,545 --> 00:16:21,405 It can be situational. Pet play can be situational or ongoing. It's, 290 00:16:21,405 --> 00:16:24,005 it depends on how you've set that up. Right. If it's a, 291 00:16:24,325 --> 00:16:27,805 a senior you're planning. Now, that's where I get really frustrated. 292 00:16:27,825 --> 00:16:32,725 If you're planning a scene and you've planned it and you've sat down and right 293 00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:37,725 before it's go time to your knowledge, everybody involved is in it. 294 00:16:37,825 --> 00:16:40,765 And then you get towards the end of that scene and you're do has gotten what 295 00:16:40,765 --> 00:16:44,205 they want, and now they're, they're done and they think they get to be done. 296 00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:48,685 And it's not, again, because there's a boundary, you know, being, 297 00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:53,245 being pushed too hard. It's not a lack of consent. It's not a medical emergency. 298 00:16:53,245 --> 00:16:57,845 It's not something that means they cannot fulfill their promise and they're just 299 00:16:57,985 --> 00:17:02,205 not, that's a, an irresponsible dominant. Right. And, 300 00:17:02,305 --> 00:17:05,125 and I don't know that they deserve to be your dominant. Right. If. 301 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:08,525 That's what's happening, and if that is the case, then you kind of need to, 302 00:17:08,705 --> 00:17:12,485 to look at things and, you know, assess if this is, you know, 303 00:17:13,095 --> 00:17:15,045 worth what you want. Right. 304 00:17:15,885 --> 00:17:20,845 I, every relationship requires compromise and some level of tiny 305 00:17:20,995 --> 00:17:24,445 bits of sacrifice. You don't always get what you want, when you want it. 306 00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:29,325 However, Mm-Hmm. one partner should not do all the sacrificing. 307 00:17:29,505 --> 00:17:33,045 One partner should not be walking around wondering if today is the day that 308 00:17:33,045 --> 00:17:34,285 maybe they get some of what they want. 309 00:17:34,415 --> 00:17:39,325 While you can almost tally up daily how much your partner is 310 00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:42,845 getting. And that does tend to fall to submissives. Yeah. 311 00:17:42,985 --> 00:17:47,605 And sometimes it's because one or both partners don't understand that 312 00:17:47,635 --> 00:17:51,565 there's a power imbalance, but the two sides really are equal. Mm-Hmm. 313 00:17:51,605 --> 00:17:52,395 , um, 314 00:17:52,395 --> 00:17:56,405 they don't understand the responsibilities of what Adam Dom ought to be doing. 315 00:17:56,495 --> 00:17:57,105 Right. 316 00:17:57,105 --> 00:18:00,925 Um, I mean, even, even in a situation where you're talking about someone who, 317 00:18:01,585 --> 00:18:06,565 um, you know, leans more to, to towards a slave side, you know, 318 00:18:06,625 --> 00:18:10,525 and, and from the outside you would kind of think, you know, oh my God, they, 319 00:18:10,525 --> 00:18:12,885 they gave up all control. You know, 320 00:18:13,035 --> 00:18:17,365 what do they get out of it that had all been negotiated prior? And. 321 00:18:17,425 --> 00:18:19,885 And there are needs that they have that are being fulfilled by this. 322 00:18:19,945 --> 00:18:23,045 And, and, you know, by being in that, in, in that dynamic, 323 00:18:23,755 --> 00:18:26,765 somehow some way their needs are being met. 324 00:18:26,955 --> 00:18:31,645 Guarantee if a slave is not having their needs met in that kind of dynamic. 325 00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:34,525 I hope, I hope they're oping out of it. 326 00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:35,345 Right. 327 00:18:35,345 --> 00:18:37,365 But, and that is sometimes the answer. 328 00:18:37,585 --> 00:18:41,485 You can have all the conversations you want, you can renegotiate, 329 00:18:42,025 --> 00:18:45,525 you can put up little signals and, and try, you know, 330 00:18:45,585 --> 00:18:49,965 to communicate in certain ways to make it very clear for both partners of what 331 00:18:50,105 --> 00:18:51,525 you want would like to have happen. 332 00:18:52,025 --> 00:18:56,645 You can do all of those things and that other partner can still nope. 333 00:18:56,665 --> 00:18:59,685 Out at the wrong time and leave you hanging. And then you're, and at that point, 334 00:18:59,785 --> 00:19:03,645 the question has to be, what am I doing here? Mm-Hmm. like, how, 335 00:19:03,785 --> 00:19:05,885 how is this relationship serving me now, 336 00:19:06,185 --> 00:19:09,885 is it easy to unentangle yourself from a relationship? 337 00:19:10,185 --> 00:19:13,645 For many of us, not at all. What if you've got, you're sharing a home, 338 00:19:13,645 --> 00:19:16,845 what if you have, you're raising kids. Right. What, you know. Sure. 339 00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:21,805 And sometimes it's a easier, but it's always still, it's easier. Um, 340 00:19:21,805 --> 00:19:25,565 what's the word I want? Um, oh my God, what are words? 341 00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:30,285 It's easier on the details of we don't, you know, I can go rent a place. 342 00:19:30,405 --> 00:19:32,325 I don't, we're not raising kids together, whatever. Right. 343 00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:36,165 But that doesn't always make it easy emotionally. Mm-Hmm. . So I'm, 344 00:19:36,285 --> 00:19:40,805 I don't suggest re-evaluating whether you should even be in a relationship, 345 00:19:41,465 --> 00:19:44,725 you know, cavalierly, I don't, it's not an easy thing. 346 00:19:44,995 --> 00:19:47,845 It's often a last resort. Um, 347 00:19:48,025 --> 00:19:51,525 and I think that's okay for it to be a last resort if you've done everything 348 00:19:51,525 --> 00:19:54,165 else. But that's, that needs to be the question. Mm-Hmm. 349 00:19:54,205 --> 00:19:56,605 . Now, you know, I will say this, um, 350 00:19:56,605 --> 00:20:01,045 because they don't say if they, you know, are in a, 351 00:20:01,065 --> 00:20:05,845 in a long-term, committed relationship in any way. And if they have, 352 00:20:06,465 --> 00:20:07,298 you know, 353 00:20:07,395 --> 00:20:12,125 have been incorporating DSS into their relationship and into an existing 354 00:20:12,125 --> 00:20:14,605 relationship, so to speak Mm-Hmm. , um, we don't, don't know that, 355 00:20:15,025 --> 00:20:18,685 you know, if that is the case, and then go, you know, 356 00:20:19,695 --> 00:20:22,405 there, there could be other underlying things going on. 357 00:20:22,905 --> 00:20:26,725 And I know it's not that easy, like you say to untangle yourself, you know, 358 00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:28,645 if you have AC committed, if you have kids, you know, you, 359 00:20:28,645 --> 00:20:30,205 you're sharing a house, whatever, 360 00:20:30,765 --> 00:20:32,925 renegotiating this between yourselves isn't working out, 361 00:20:33,095 --> 00:20:37,805 maybe a kink friendly counselor Sure. Would be a way, you know, sure. Might, 362 00:20:37,805 --> 00:20:41,885 might be able to help work through some things because there may be other 363 00:20:41,885 --> 00:20:43,685 underlying things going on there too. 364 00:20:44,215 --> 00:20:48,445 Right. But I am, I, my experience has been, 365 00:20:48,905 --> 00:20:51,525 and obviously I don't have all of the experiences. Mm-Hmm. . Okay. 366 00:20:52,025 --> 00:20:55,245 I'm a lurker everywhere, so I'm constantly observing , 367 00:20:56,715 --> 00:21:01,085 both in person and online. More often than not, 368 00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:05,245 it is a mismatch and expectations Yeah. Of what power exchange is. 369 00:21:05,635 --> 00:21:09,205 It's a mismatch in kinks. It's a mismatch in desires. Yeah. 370 00:21:09,665 --> 00:21:12,565 90% of the time it's that true, true. Um, 371 00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:17,085 and some and more often within that 90%, it's from the dominant side, 372 00:21:17,155 --> 00:21:19,445 it's a misunderstanding of what dominance really is. 373 00:21:20,225 --> 00:21:22,005 And as this person started out, the question, 374 00:21:22,065 --> 00:21:25,365 is it identity versus kink behavior? And for some people, 375 00:21:25,505 --> 00:21:29,205 if it's not part of their identity, it's easier to just put down Mm-Hmm. 376 00:21:29,245 --> 00:21:31,045 and go, I don't wanna do this right now. Right. 377 00:21:31,225 --> 00:21:33,925 That's where I go back to, are you even compatible? Yeah. 378 00:21:34,185 --> 00:21:38,125 Is power exchange and the kinky play, right. For the two of you as individuals, 379 00:21:38,435 --> 00:21:41,445 that is a question only you can answer for yourself. Right. 380 00:21:41,825 --> 00:21:46,645 So was very long-winded and windy . But let's do a slight recap. 381 00:21:46,955 --> 00:21:50,925 Okay. Yeah. Uh, first thing I agree with you, the most charitable view, 382 00:21:51,715 --> 00:21:55,365 talk to one another and find out if your dominant partner is feeling overwhelmed 383 00:21:55,425 --> 00:21:56,685 by everything you negotiated. 384 00:21:56,785 --> 00:22:00,445 And if you just need to renegotiate and simplify and back off, 385 00:22:00,635 --> 00:22:04,085 back up a little bit, put some things to the side and, 386 00:22:04,145 --> 00:22:07,845 and not worry about those right now and go for just what you both feel that you 387 00:22:07,845 --> 00:22:08,885 can commit to. Right. 388 00:22:09,105 --> 00:22:13,645 The other thing would be to create little communication tools, 389 00:22:14,225 --> 00:22:15,245 um, codes, 390 00:22:15,435 --> 00:22:19,805 ways of interacting so that you can check in with your partner before you go 391 00:22:19,925 --> 00:22:22,925 into Bratt mode, before you bring up this, before you, 392 00:22:23,765 --> 00:22:26,285 whatever the roles are you're trying to inhabit and get something from, 393 00:22:26,595 --> 00:22:29,165 make sure they're on the same page with you. Three, 394 00:22:29,705 --> 00:22:34,565 it may be that this person wants all of the privileges 395 00:22:34,565 --> 00:22:39,005 of dominance and is not willing to take on the responsibility of it. Mm-Hmm. 396 00:22:39,045 --> 00:22:43,205 it may be that you are incompatible. It may be, 397 00:22:43,585 --> 00:22:46,085 and I hope not. If you're happy, if you're genuinely happy, 398 00:22:46,085 --> 00:22:47,245 then I want you to be happy, 399 00:22:47,265 --> 00:22:48,805 and I want you to be with the person you wanna be with. 400 00:22:49,065 --> 00:22:52,805 But if all of those other things are failing and nothing is working, 401 00:22:53,235 --> 00:22:55,965 then it may be time to go, what am I doing here? 402 00:22:56,705 --> 00:22:59,045 Is this something I can remove myself from? Right. 403 00:22:59,145 --> 00:23:02,885 Is this the power exchange I should be in? And there are no easy answers. No, 404 00:23:02,945 --> 00:23:05,205 no. It's all complicated. It's all personal. 405 00:23:05,555 --> 00:23:09,005 What you may do will be different from what I might do, and that's okay. 406 00:23:09,265 --> 00:23:12,165 You just have to figure out what feels right to you in the moment. 407 00:23:12,305 --> 00:23:15,045 And then remember, you can change your mind at any time. 408 00:23:15,625 --> 00:23:18,725 You can always change your mind. That's true. Take a path, see what happens, 409 00:23:18,985 --> 00:23:20,405 and then figure out if that, 410 00:23:20,505 --> 00:23:24,645 if you need to turn right or left and do something different. Yeah. So, 411 00:23:25,425 --> 00:23:27,765 Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. That is, uh, 412 00:23:28,015 --> 00:23:30,445 those are our thoughts on this week's question. Mm-Hmm. , 413 00:23:30,905 --> 00:23:33,205 thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. 414 00:23:33,265 --> 00:23:35,085 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 415 00:23:35,155 --> 00:23:38,285 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, 416 00:23:38,425 --> 00:23:41,205 or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always, 417 00:23:41,205 --> 00:23:42,965 to our kinky community over on Patreon, 418 00:23:43,095 --> 00:23:46,925 we're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help kinks due to your 419 00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:47,665 support. 420 00:23:47,665 --> 00:23:51,125 If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a 421 00:23:51,125 --> 00:23:53,845 Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice kink sters, 422 00:23:53,865 --> 00:23:57,165 you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. 423 00:23:57,165 --> 00:24:00,885 That's patreon.com/kayla lords, or use the link in the show notes.