You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Okay. The Lord's here.
We're the one, the only,
the well enough to sit down and record this q and a episode. John Brownstone.
Yeah.
Yeah. We had to take last week off. Mm-Hmm. ,
because you were recovering. I was.
In rough.
Shape. You were Thank goodness for antibiotics. Yep. And the good meds. Mm-Hmm.
. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . But you're, uh,
healthy and whole. Yep. And here we are. We're gonna answer another question.
Once again.
This week we are answering a question about a,
a DSS couple where they've negotiated it, they've arranged it,
but the dom keeps kind of tapping out and leaving the submissive hanging,
and their needs are not getting fulfilled.
It's kind of like when we did a few weeks ago, but this one is the,
we've done all the things we're supposed to do. Right? I've made my needs clear.
Mm-Hmm. . But this keeps happening, happening.
So that's what we're talking about. Okay. Answering this week.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. Uh, if you are new here,
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Try to make it obvious. Ask your question. Okay. Let's get into the question.
Um, it's a little bit longer than some of the ones we've had.
There's some details. So I'm, I'm gonna just read it.
I recently listened to an episode where you covered the topic of kink as an
identity versus a behavior sometimes performed.
I feel like this resonated a lot with the struggles me and my dom are going
through in that oftentimes he taps out of Dom Headspace and leaves me and my
needs as a sub hanging. This isn't in a malicious way.
I understand he has a lot more responsibility with work and doming me 24 7 can
be tiring. However,
often I'm left with a sense that my needs aren't being fulfilled while he always
gets something out of it when he wants to play.
It could come across that he's unwilling to give a little,
to at least help me get by on myself and feels very all or nothing
for reference. Our main dynamics include DDLG,
pet play and brading with the latter being the worst offender for not receiving
anything back when the effort is put in on my side.
I really wanna make this work between us as everything else in our relationship
is happy, but we're at a wall as to how to navigate these moments. Mm.
So let me get this straight.
Dom agreed to dom in certain ways. Mm-Hmm. , um, to,
uh,
reciprocate gets what they're wanting and needing out of
the play out of the moment. Right.
But then because they're tired or they have work,
they're not giving their submissive partner what their
submissive partner wants and needs as well. And so said,
submissive is then left hanging, but things are good and,
and thing you're happy. How are things? Good?
I know. Um, I, I'm assuming good in other ways other than the dss.
I know, but here's, I'm, this is gonna me being very high, uh, very critical.
Mm-Hmm. , and of course, we don't know the whole situation. Right.
But my thought is, if you have a partner that leaves you hanging in pleasure,
they surely leave you hanging in other parts of life. Hmm.
A person doesn't typically in, in my experience,
at least fall down on the job only in one section of life. Yeah.
There's usually something else where they're either not putting in
equal effort or they've got a lot of reasons why they can't do something.
And I say that as a person who has absolutely had partners that I,
I gave all the grace to, and I made all the excuses. Um,
it's entirely possible this,
this person is absolutely happy with everything else. It's this one spot.
So if that's the case, and my initial thought is,
does this person even really the dom person, I mean,
really even want to be doing what they're doing?
Yeah. Yeah. I've, I've got.
You've got thoughts?
I've got thoughts. I'm, I'm going to, to start with the,
um, most pleasant Okay. Okay. Of the thoughts first. You're better.
Than me.
. Okay. One of, one of the fir one of the, the first things I thought of,
um, in this, you know, when they talk about how, you know,
they have a lot of work responsibilities and whatnot, um, you know,
is it a possibility that in their negotiations and setting up their
DSS and, and everything that they're doing that, that it's,
it's overwhelming to the dom. To the dom. Sure. You know, I mean, that,
that is entirely impossible early on,
especially after we moved in, after being long distance,
we kind of fell into that trap that, you know, too many things at once.
Right.
It was overwhelming for.
Both of us. And, and it was overwhelming for both of us at that point. So,
you know, this could be one of those things where, okay, you know,
let's step back. Let's renegotiate this. Right. Um, you know,
because we,
we all well and know all know well too
good. You know, what happens when life throws shit at you. Oh, sure.
You know, with, with the dss.
So this may just be a case where they need to step back,
renegotiate and simplify things a little bit. You know.
This also means that that dominant partner has to be willing to admit that
things are overwhelming Yes. And that things are not working.
Absolutely. Absolutely. Um, you know, know that, that, that is,
that is very much a huge part of it. Um, you know,
but step back renegotiate. Um,
they would need the, the sub would need to, at that point, I would say,
kind of say, okay, well,
what is the most important need that I have Right.
To be met? And incorporate that into the simplest, you know, of,
of the negotiations of the dynamic.
What's my bare minimum that will make me happy and feel fulfilled?
Right.
That I will accept Mm-Hmm. and what can they give? Right.
So, you know, that,
that I think is the nicety of it. Yes. Okay.
That's being charitable and assuming that the dominant partner wants
to be a full participant. Mm-Hmm. and is Mm-Hmm.
is not communicated for.
And I can see there being reasons why a dominant partner would not communicate
that they're feeling overwhelmed if they have it in their head,
that that somehow makes them less dominant, or that that's not a dominant trait,
or, you know, that they're failing somehow. I mean, I, you know, I can,
if I'm being charitable. Yeah, I can absolutely see that. Sure. Um,
so yes, the,
the charitable answer is maybe you need to renegotiate because maybe dom's
feeling overwhelmed.
By everything. Overwhelmed. Okay. Okay. Um, now the not so charitable.
Response, Uhhuh, uhhuh, , uhhuh.
, um, you know, I, I'm sorry if, if,
if this is, is is negotiated, they are not pulling their weight.
Uh, it's, it's frustrating because there's, there's a,
a responsibility that both partners bear. But from a power exchange perspective,
there's a responsibility that a dominant bears that they said, okay,
I'm going to take control going, I'm.
Going do X, Y, z. I'm.
Going to do these things and be in control of these things.
And my partner's going to give up some level of power to then not
follow through and make sure that at least enough
of the times, Mm-Hmm. some of the times Mm-Hmm.
that your submissive partner is feeling fulfilled and getting back
what they're putting into it. I, you know, sure.
We've had these conversations because of energies,
because of circumstances,
because of physical and mental wellness or illness.
Like you can't always give your full hundred percent all of the time at your
peak like you would want to.
No, nobody can. Nobody.
Can. But when that happens, you have to communicate, Hey, this is going on.
Hey, that's going on. But, but more often than not,
a partner who is giving should be receiving something,
something.
It should not be that the little bit they receive are the crumbs are the,
that it happens so infrequently and I'm, this is me filling in blanks here.
I don't know this, but this is where my mind goes.
They're probably receiving so infrequently that they're grateful
for it when they get it. Yeah. That is a, um,
lack of responsibility on the dominant partners part. Sure.
That took advantage of what they get as a dominant Mm-Hmm.
and won't give back. And you know what, you know what?
People do have stressful jobs and work can be a lot,
but I know from experience that if JB knows he can't
give at the level that he's gonna receive at,
then we are not doing any fucking thing. Yeah. Because it's,
it's not supposed to be one sided and.
And not all of the time. And, you know, while we, while,
while I am not absolutely perfect, you know, for the most part,
I do try to communicate that to you Right. At times, you know, when,
when I see those things coming on. Right.
And, and that's a practicing, you get better at it over time. You know, it,
can I go back to it depends on how each partner views
their individual roles in power exchange and,
and the stereotypes and the cliches and the fantasy they have in their head.
Mm-Hmm. .
And it is very easy for a dominant to not want to admit air quote
weakness.
It's very easy for a submissive to give too much because they're afraid of
letting their partner down. That is not uncommon at all.
And it comes back to communicating before you get in the middle of it. To me,
Mm-Hmm. short of a medical fucking emergency.
If you are in the middle of the fucking scene,
you are in the middle of the moment and the dom has gotten what they want,
they have to follow through. I kind of don't care how tired you are. Well.
You know.
I really don't have patience or kindness.
I don't have charitable thoughts for that.
And, and you're absolutely right because, you know, here,
this is something that has been negotiated. Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
So at that point there, once it's negotiated,
that dominant has the responsibility Mm-Hmm.
to follow through with their commitment.
Now, let's be clear, either partner can withdraw their consent at any point.
Sure. Nobody has to do anything they don't want to do.
But if a dominant partner is constantly or consistently withdrawing their
consent after they get what they need Mm-Hmm. , and they like,
and they enjoy and leaving their partner hanging,
then how is this a reciprocal power exchange anymore?
Yeah. It's not, it's not, it's not, um, you know, they,
they don't say how long this has been going on. Mm-Hmm. , um,
you know, which is something, is,
is this something that just kind of started short term or, you know, has,
has this been going on for, for months and months? Or is.
This, is this a feature of the relationship or a bug?
Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. You know, I, I mean,
not that I know a whole lot about brats. I don't have a bratt.
I just have a very sassy individual. You do , you do
. But you know, one,
one of the things I do know about brats, um,
when they bratt they want that.
They're ratting for a reason. Right.
Right.
You know, subconscious or consciously.
Yeah. Yeah. They, they want that for, for a lot of brats. They want that,
that struggle, that push and pull Yeah. To the give and take of the interaction,
the give and take of, of the interaction. And,
and if you're a bratt and you're not getting that.
Yeah.
You, you know, now.
You're just dissatisfied and, and Right. And.
Yeah. So you know that that's a big thing too. And you know,
not everybody's able to handle Brad's No. You know, let's be honest that that's.
No, they're fun until you realize their work. Yeah.
I say that as somebody who rides the line between SAS and Bratt. Yeah.
The one thing I would say,
because Brading typically requires a lot more mental energy
from, from my perspective,
in the things I've seen in the conversations I've had. Mm-Hmm.
handling a bratt and ratting often requires mental energy,
less physical until you get to a certain point, whatever. Right.
And if the problem is that a dominant partner does not have the
mental energy to handle it at the time,
this is where communication is even more important.
There are ways, and they're gonna be different for everybody,
where you just sort of come up with kind of a code where you
put, it's sort of like you put up the bat signal when you're ready to, like,
you're feeling, in this case, you're feeling your brattiness.
You want it to be reciprocated,
but nobody wants to put that energy out and then have it just hang there and
then fall away and it not be given back in some way.
So if you can develop a shorthand, a system,
a way of communicating where you can check in with your dominant partner to see,
Hey, do you have the energy for this? Because it's a conversation.
We've had a lot of, a lot in the past when we talk about brading,
that it is a consent thing.
The person who is being braided at and now has to respond in whatever way you
both deem satisfying. They've gotta be ready for that.
And they've gotta be in the moment and in the mindset.
And if something's happening consistently,
where a partner cannot give you that before,
it's better to know that before you put that energy out,
you may still be dissatisfied and, and unfulfilled.
And that is a conversation about where is this relationship going?
Is it supposed to continue?
Are we actually as compatible as we thought we were in this? Right? Mm-Hmm.
.
But if you can find a balance of putting out a
feeler to see, Hey, are you up for this? If they're never up for it,
I think we're back to negotiation. Is this really what they want? Right.
And then you're also back to, are you even compatible?
But if what you find is that by giving them the chance to go Mm. Not right now.
Maybe later, you know,
and there's a balance over time of you
get the fulfillment when you expect to get it right. Like you Mm-Hmm.
say something. Or, I mean, it could be as simple as, you know,
I'm feeling a little sassy today. How are you feeling? Well,
then the answer would be be, I'm not feeling it. This is not the time. Right.
Right. And so then, you know, okay, I'm, I'm gonna have to do something else.
I mean, there, there, there have been times when, uh, Kayla has unleashed the,
the sas and I've just been, no, this is not the common place for it. Right.
But giving.
You the opportunity to do that means I don't put that SAS energy out there and
then either get nothing in return Mm-Hmm.
or get the opposite of what is fun. Right? Yeah. ,
what that means is when I do put that energy out there and you're in the space
to give it back as good as you're getting it Mm-Hmm. ,
then we're having a better time. Right. So there, I mean, again,
I'll go back to a charitable thought. Mm-Hmm.
There could be a managing expectations that yes, your energy levels may be off.
Like you wanna bratt and get,
and get that feedback from your partner more often than they're willing to
accept it. The thing to figure out is are they ever willing to accept it?
If you come up with this little like way of checking in before you
do anything bratty, and they never give you the go ahead,
then that would tell me that they don't actually want to participate in the
ratting, then you're back to are you compatible or not?
If there's a range of half the time they do, and half the time they don't,
then you have to decide, is that enough for you? Right.
Are you fulfilled with that? Um,
and I think that's true of any other kind of play. I, you know,
in the list that they have DDLG, that can be kind of ongoing.
It can be situational. Pet play can be situational or ongoing. It's,
it depends on how you've set that up. Right. If it's a,
a senior you're planning. Now, that's where I get really frustrated.
If you're planning a scene and you've planned it and you've sat down and right
before it's go time to your knowledge, everybody involved is in it.
And then you get towards the end of that scene and you're do has gotten what
they want, and now they're, they're done and they think they get to be done.
And it's not, again, because there's a boundary, you know, being,
being pushed too hard. It's not a lack of consent. It's not a medical emergency.
It's not something that means they cannot fulfill their promise and they're just
not, that's a, an irresponsible dominant. Right. And,
and I don't know that they deserve to be your dominant. Right. If.
That's what's happening, and if that is the case, then you kind of need to,
to look at things and, you know, assess if this is, you know,
worth what you want. Right.
I, every relationship requires compromise and some level of tiny
bits of sacrifice. You don't always get what you want, when you want it.
However, Mm-Hmm. one partner should not do all the sacrificing.
One partner should not be walking around wondering if today is the day that
maybe they get some of what they want.
While you can almost tally up daily how much your partner is
getting. And that does tend to fall to submissives. Yeah.
And sometimes it's because one or both partners don't understand that
there's a power imbalance, but the two sides really are equal. Mm-Hmm.
, um,
they don't understand the responsibilities of what Adam Dom ought to be doing.
Right.
Um, I mean, even, even in a situation where you're talking about someone who,
um, you know, leans more to, to towards a slave side, you know,
and, and from the outside you would kind of think, you know, oh my God, they,
they gave up all control. You know,
what do they get out of it that had all been negotiated prior? And.
And there are needs that they have that are being fulfilled by this.
And, and, you know, by being in that, in, in that dynamic,
somehow some way their needs are being met.
Guarantee if a slave is not having their needs met in that kind of dynamic.
I hope, I hope they're oping out of it.
Right.
But, and that is sometimes the answer.
You can have all the conversations you want, you can renegotiate,
you can put up little signals and, and try, you know,
to communicate in certain ways to make it very clear for both partners of what
you want would like to have happen.
You can do all of those things and that other partner can still nope.
Out at the wrong time and leave you hanging. And then you're, and at that point,
the question has to be, what am I doing here? Mm-Hmm. like, how,
how is this relationship serving me now,
is it easy to unentangle yourself from a relationship?
For many of us, not at all. What if you've got, you're sharing a home,
what if you have, you're raising kids. Right. What, you know. Sure.
And sometimes it's a easier, but it's always still, it's easier. Um,
what's the word I want? Um, oh my God, what are words?
It's easier on the details of we don't, you know, I can go rent a place.
I don't, we're not raising kids together, whatever. Right.
But that doesn't always make it easy emotionally. Mm-Hmm. . So I'm,
I don't suggest re-evaluating whether you should even be in a relationship,
you know, cavalierly, I don't, it's not an easy thing.
It's often a last resort. Um,
and I think that's okay for it to be a last resort if you've done everything
else. But that's, that needs to be the question. Mm-Hmm.
. Now, you know, I will say this, um,
because they don't say if they, you know, are in a,
in a long-term, committed relationship in any way. And if they have,
you know,
have been incorporating DSS into their relationship and into an existing
relationship, so to speak Mm-Hmm. , um, we don't, don't know that,
you know, if that is the case, and then go, you know,
there, there could be other underlying things going on.
And I know it's not that easy, like you say to untangle yourself, you know,
if you have AC committed, if you have kids, you know, you,
you're sharing a house, whatever,
renegotiating this between yourselves isn't working out,
maybe a kink friendly counselor Sure. Would be a way, you know, sure. Might,
might be able to help work through some things because there may be other
underlying things going on there too.
Right. But I am, I, my experience has been,
and obviously I don't have all of the experiences. Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
I'm a lurker everywhere, so I'm constantly observing ,
both in person and online. More often than not,
it is a mismatch and expectations Yeah. Of what power exchange is.
It's a mismatch in kinks. It's a mismatch in desires. Yeah.
90% of the time it's that true, true. Um,
and some and more often within that 90%, it's from the dominant side,
it's a misunderstanding of what dominance really is.
And as this person started out, the question,
is it identity versus kink behavior? And for some people,
if it's not part of their identity, it's easier to just put down Mm-Hmm.
and go, I don't wanna do this right now. Right.
That's where I go back to, are you even compatible? Yeah.
Is power exchange and the kinky play, right. For the two of you as individuals,
that is a question only you can answer for yourself. Right.
So was very long-winded and windy . But let's do a slight recap.
Okay. Yeah. Uh, first thing I agree with you, the most charitable view,
talk to one another and find out if your dominant partner is feeling overwhelmed
by everything you negotiated.
And if you just need to renegotiate and simplify and back off,
back up a little bit, put some things to the side and,
and not worry about those right now and go for just what you both feel that you
can commit to. Right.
The other thing would be to create little communication tools,
um, codes,
ways of interacting so that you can check in with your partner before you go
into Bratt mode, before you bring up this, before you,
whatever the roles are you're trying to inhabit and get something from,
make sure they're on the same page with you. Three,
it may be that this person wants all of the privileges
of dominance and is not willing to take on the responsibility of it. Mm-Hmm.
it may be that you are incompatible. It may be,
and I hope not. If you're happy, if you're genuinely happy,
then I want you to be happy,
and I want you to be with the person you wanna be with.
But if all of those other things are failing and nothing is working,
then it may be time to go, what am I doing here?
Is this something I can remove myself from? Right.
Is this the power exchange I should be in? And there are no easy answers. No,
no. It's all complicated. It's all personal.
What you may do will be different from what I might do, and that's okay.
You just have to figure out what feels right to you in the moment.
And then remember, you can change your mind at any time.
You can always change your mind. That's true. Take a path, see what happens,
and then figure out if that,
if you need to turn right or left and do something different. Yeah. So,
Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. That is, uh,
those are our thoughts on this week's question. Mm-Hmm. ,
thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode.
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