You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast, episode 3 72. Okay.
The Lord's here with the one, the only the Are you caffeinated enough?
I am.
I'm not John Brownstone. .
You see the way we're we're I'm knocking shit down and getting, you know.
Yeah. And I am clearly flailing. .
.
We're time travelers. So we're talking about a thing we recorded today,
the day we're recording. You can, this,
this recording occurred that you will not hear for several
days after, after you can hear this.
And it from my side was a hot ass mess. ,
you are like on it. You're like, I got thoughts. I got opinions.
I got shit to say. And I'm over here going, what are words? I forgot this word.
. You wanna know what the word was? What? Logistics.
Um.
So a good word. If you listen to our shorter Monday episode,
that'll come out a couple days after this one. Yep. And I get to,
we get to that part where I'm like, what's that word? What's that word?
Oh my god. What's that word you already know? 'cause time traveling. Mm-Hmm.
. Logistics. There you go. And actually,
I think there's another word I wanted and I still can't think of it,
but that's the closest one. . That is not at all what.
We are talking about. . No, it's not sweet. Not at all. Not at all.
This week. Um,
because we just celebrated our wedding anniversary that we can confirm.
We got married in 2017.
There was a discussion about that in last week's bonus section. We.
Couldn't remember .
And we've known one another and been together for a decade, uh,
this week that has on our mind to talk about how things have changed. Mm-Hmm.
.
We've done a couple of episodes like this over the past year or so,
but this time we're gonna focus on the changes we see in each other.
Not in ourselves, right? But like across the table here. Yep.
Uhoh.
I know.
You're pointing fingers.
This ought to get interesting. .
.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. This is your first time listening.
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I will forever fucking hate because it's not our actual fucking name because
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it pisses me off every time.
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. That's why I take blood pressure medicine.
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That's patreon.com/kayla lords, or use the link in the show notes. Okay.
So before we get into the topic, uh, we do have a bit of an announcement. Yeah.
We're making it later than we have in previous times. So I don't,
I can't imagine anybody traveling from out of town for this.
But if you are in Florida near Orlando,
or can get to Orlando and want to, uh,
we will be at the woodshed on November 18th, uh,
for their Kinky vendor show thing that they do.
We'll be there as the Ry selling our wares. Mm-Hmm. .
And not that if, you know, telling you about this.
We don't say it for you to come shop from us, but if you are can get to Orlando,
wanna be in Orlando at that time, you can come by and just say hi to us. Yeah.
Um, it gets chaotic and goofy there too. It does. So, you know, on brand, uh.
And, um, entrance to the woodshed is free for that event.
Yeah. The event's from 3:00 PM to 7:00 PM before party time starts,
playtime starts. Mm-Hmm. . So if you are even just in Florida,
and like, I wonder what a,
the inside of a dungeon looks like and you wanna do it in a kind of a pressure
free way, this is a great opportunity. 'cause all the lights are up.
It's filled with tables and people with kinky and non kinky shit alike. Um,
but yeah, it's free to get in.
If you were to come and then decide to stay for the, the dungeon itself opening,
well then you have to pay admission. But, um, so yeah,
November 18th in Orlando at the woodshed from three to seven, we'll be there.
It's very exciting. Mm-Hmm. . Um, okay. Okay.
It's time to get in to whatever the hell this is. .
Madness, chaos. Insanity.
You know, so I have this good or bad, I don't know, habit. Mm-Hmm.
of when we decide on a topic,
when I have thoughts and feelings on it, I start to think a lot about it.
Mm-Hmm. .
And of course I have conversations with myself 'cause I talk to myself, uh,
a lot. And then when I get here, my brain goes, well,
you've already talked about that. So I don't think I have anything to say.
So all the things I've talked, all the great points I was making to just me,
myself, and I are gone and out the window.
And so that's why sometimes I draw a blank in this one. I,
I had the idea 'cause I suggested it to you.
'cause I was thinking about it as a concept. Mm-Hmm. .
But I then wouldn't let myself think about it too hard.
'cause I didn't wanna forget anything.
But also it means now while we're here and we're ready to do the thing,
I'm a little bit like, ah.
Yeah, I know , I'm, I'm with you on that. I'm,
I'm kind of with you on that.
We have definitely noticed changes in each other when we did episodes similar to
this, about 40 episodes ago, so not quite a year ago, but close.
We talked about how we've evolved in kink.
We've talked about things that we've learned over all this time.
Um, and I'm sure we've talked about how we have as individuals know that we have
changed. But this is more about,
and the reason I think it came to me on our wedding anniversary, um,
was because there's an, it,
it hits me at different times and in different ways,
kinky and non kinky of realizing that you have grown and you have
changed and, and that you are the same person.
I met all those years ago. Mm-Hmm. .
But also that you were not, that there are parts,
things you used to do that you would not do now.
Ways you used to be that you would not be now.
And while I think some of the things we might point out about each other will
not necessarily be kinky, I think a lot of it might be quite vanilla.
I think this conversation is important because I, you know,
if you have to have the intellectual conversation with somebody about how you
change and grow over the years, I think all of us would go. Yeah, absolutely.
But I think for some, I know I'm one of these people,
it can still come as kind of a surprise. Like, yes,
you're the person you were 10 years ago, but also no.
'cause you've been through some shit. Yeah. You've learned, you've grown,
we've had serious arguments or we had to rethink our position on things.
. Um, and so I just think it's important to sort of acknowledge that,
you know, there are a lot of relationships.
Usually the ones that fail that you're together for some amount of time and then
you look back and you don't recognize yourself or the other person.
And part of it's 'cause you've grown apart,
part of it's because maybe you're surprised that the you,
both of you would be changing over time. Mm-Hmm.
and not necessarily changing, you know,
by staying on the together on the same path. And so I just, you know,
it was on my mind. Um, I don't know how kinky this will be.
I think it really will be quite non kinky. Um,
but I just kind of wanna have the conversation.
'cause one I find it interesting and two,
as sort of a reminder to anybody that ideally Yeah.
The person that you get into a relationship with today,
they'll basically be who they are, hopefully 10 years from now,
but they also won't Mm-Hmm. , like the fundamental parts of them,
the things that you loved about them or that you cared about or that drew to
them.
The core of who the person is.
The core probably won't change much other than to maybe adapt and grow and
learn. Mm-Hmm. . Um, but I think some things will change.
So let's, I guess maybe a back and forth. I don't know.
I guess this will devolve into chaos soon. We have. Yeah. Yeah. Um,
do you wanna go first? Sure. Okay. Sure.
I'm afraid. I,
I I I think one way that we have both changed is we've increased some girth.
. Oh Lord.
It's, I looked back at pictures and video and I'm like, yeah,
why did I ever think I was fat? But I've been doing that.
I I did that when I looked back at my, like, pictures from when I was a kid.
Mm-Hmm. . I was like, I would love to be fat like that.
Now. Yeah. Yeah. But, but anyway, that I.
So this is about how the changes you've seen in me. Please.
Don't. I know.
Yes, I know. Gateway weight.
You don't have to deal with that was, that was meant to be as a.
You're right, though. You're right. Yeah.
But, um, anyway, I, you know, one of the,
I think biggest changes that I find almost kind of amusing.
Um, I remember back in the day when we were, um,
you know, first started doing the podcast together a lot. And, uh,
you were very emphatic that, you know,
no one better be coming onto me or messing me.
'cause you'll cut a bitch , you'll cut a bitch if they I'll,
if they mess with me, you know, mess.
With my daddy, I'll cut a bitch. I still kind of will. But.
That's, and, and you still kind of will, but it.
I really won't. Y'all come on now. Y'all know me.
That, that has, that has, um.
I've mellowed.
You. You have, you know, you, you have Mm-Hmm. and, uh, you know.
Yeah. I.
Haven't even thought those words in.
Ages. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and, and,
and you've even been more along the lines of, you know, oh,
you want to do those things. I have no interest. Go find somebody. Please go.
Find somebody to do that.
With you, .
Yeah. Take the pressure off me, which it's not pressure you put on me,
but pressure I put on myself. Right.
You know. But, um, I mean, that, that has been.
I was possessive and I think it came from a certain lack of
security. Not in you. Mm-Hmm. . But in me. Like, I,
I don't think I felt secure enough in who, in my place in your life.
Even though at the, if somebody had asked me at the time, I'd been like,
of course. Because we were all in on one another. Mm-Hmm.
Even at that, definitely at that point,
we were living together at that point. But it didn't have yet have that like,
comfortable lived in feeling of just,
we hadn't quite had enough time to,
to go through all of the shit together and like true.
Be together. We also,
I understood that you were Polly in general, like Mm-Hmm.
certainly open to non-monogamy in some way. And I,
prior to the moment, I kind of decided I was, I, I mean,
I would've told anybody who asked hell fucking no. No fucking way. Right.
This couldn't possibly happen. Um,
and probably with a lot of partners I had in the past, it couldn't have,
I just couldn't have done it . Um, but with you, I could,
it took a while to get there. Um, I do still like,
the way I feel like where my hackles rise and maybe that side of me
could come out of all cut of bitch these days is not a possessiveness or
a get away from my daddy kind of vibe. Mm-Hmm. .
It's more of a don't fuck with my daddy. Like,
do not think you're gonna come up here and try to manipulate or be an ass or
Yeah. Treat my daddy other than like the fucking king that he is.
You can get outta my goddamn space. . I'll cut a into that.
But whether they're like making eyes at you and, you know Mm-Hmm. I do, I do.
Would to,
I would say I would still give some side eye to somebody who just rocked up and
thought that all they had to do was bat some eyelashes at you and like,
you would just fall for whatever their, their wilds might be. Masculine,
feminine, non, you know, other Mm-Hmm. . I don't, I don't,
I still don't like that vibe.
Like you have plenty of people who just slide into dms in that kind of gross
way. Yeah. Um, I don't like that, but, 'cause it's a gross way.
'cause it's not a let's, let's talk,
let me acknowledge that you're a fellow human being,
but that's just a completely different vibe than the one I used to have.
. Yeah. It's a completely different vibe. That is true. Um,
so the, I I've been thinking,
I have been thinking about this even though I wouldn't let myself have
conversations with myself, so I didn't forget things.
one of the ones that came to mind very easily.
And I feel like it's kind of half funny,
but it's mostly not.
And I feel like I did you a disservice for
a time. We used to joke even on this podcast,
but certainly in the family with the kids and everything,
that you were the only mentally well one among us,
and what must that be like ? Well,
for a long time I was, well, and you know,
you are definitely a person who your mental health was, I don't know,
disrupted, I don't know what the right word is, um, with life circumstances.
But you also, and I was not unaware.
You and I had talked not infrequently, like enough,
like I understood you'd gone through trauma and I'd understood that you'd had
some shit things happen to you that clearly impacted you.
But because outwardly you seemed to handle things so
well, I just kind of went, oh, he's mentally healthy.
And you know, to a certain extent you were Mm-Hmm. .
But there was always the stuff you had gone through that probably needed to be
dealt with. Yeah. . And we,
we met each other when we were in a flow of life. Right.
The first few years with each other. We were in the flow of life. Now,
the past few years have been the ebb of ebb and flow and absolutely ,
we've gone through together more stress than we'd we ever have before. Correct.
You've had to face some things about family and childhood and stuff.
Yeah. And I now would never make the joke that you're the only mentally stable
Well, on . Yeah. I mean, I remember making the joke.
What's it like to be mentally healthy? Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. I would,
I would never make that joke. Now.
Not that you were like unwell in like a, a negative way or a dangerous way,
but just that you've gone through some shit and
while you are seem to be kind of coming out of the other side of some of that
right now. Yeah. That stuff is always.
Gonna be there. Gotta.
Be part of who.
You are. Um, you know, it's, it's funny because, you know Yeah.
You talk about how, and, and even I was kind of like,
you know Yeah. I'm, I am the mentally only one that you know well.
Compared to the rest of us, you.
Work and, and you know, now, um, with, with the way things have been,
um, I realized I, I probably in my own way, um,
for a very,
very long time have masked a lot of things myself.
Oh yeah. Okay.
Do you think some of that is because it was sort of the expectation you're a
cisgender man in a patriarchal society.
There's like this definitional idea of what it means to quote be a man.
Especially in your age group. No, I, I don't, I don't think it was that. Um, I,
I and I I have been giving this some thought, uh, recently.
I think it was more of, um,
of a coping mechanism to be able to function. Sure.
Sure.
You know, and, um, it served me well for many, many years.
Coping mechanisms, they are created as a way to keep you safe. And it's,
you know,
things are changing when those same coping mechanisms don't work anymore.
'cause they don't Yeah.
Just because they protected you at one point in life doesn't mean Mm-Hmm.
they will always work that way. And that Yes. Can be a source of,
of strife and distress for sure.
Yeah. And, um, you know, yeah. When,
when certain things were happening started happening in,
in my life and, um, yeah. It it stripped all that shit.
Bare .
Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. .
And, um, yeah, I'm, I'm at a point,
I'm trying to re-figure out who I am and.
. Yeah.
And that is not that you haven't had enough time for us to have any sort of
in-depth conversation about that. No, but it has been.
And it, and it's kind of scary too at my age.
But it just goes back to what you say more often than I ever say is we're all,
everything is constantly changing.
And that that is true and that includes you and that that is absolutely true.
And yet you are still who you are at the core.
It's more of a how you interact with the world and maybe even how you see things
and how you react to things. Yeah. You know, and I don't think,
you know, I think the, the
not bad thing has been that while you,
we've gone through some tough times Mm-Hmm.
and there've been arguments and there's been stress and strife
and, you know, that whole, who the fuck am I now kind of thing. Yeah.
The core of who you are is the core of who you are. And that has not changed.
You might struggle with some things and you might have to, you know,
decide who's worth that inner gooey core of yours. Mm-Hmm.
that's mostly, you know, a very, very nice human being,
kinder than I sure should am.
And, and I, and, and that is something that, that I have been,
been coming out of all this, um,
I have been realizing there are people who are not worth my time.
Mm-Hmm.
and then actually following through that. Yeah.
Because it's easy to, it's not easy, but there, it's easier to go. Yeah.
I don't think you're worth it much harder to actually.
Do it.
Yeah. That's where a lot of people struggle.
And, um, you know, yeah. It's, um,
yeah. The last, the last few years have been very tough for me. Mm-Hmm.
. And now the last couple months, I'm finally
starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Mm-Hmm. .
And it's not a fricking train. I.
Know. I mean, part of that is some, some parts of our lives have calmed down,
some things have improved. Not Mm-Hmm. as much as we might like.
Um, but I really think it's maybe even just adaptability,
like after a while of so much chaos, it's,
you stop even clocking it as chaos. You're like, this is just normal now.
Mm-Hmm. . Um, and you've Yeah.
You've learned how to adapt to some things. Okay.
I did not know we would get this deep, this fast. So here we are, . Okay.
Your turn.
My turn.
Oh God.
Okay. Um, I, I would have to say one, one thing I have noticed, um, about you,
uh, over the years is you have become
much more confident in your submission.
Mm. And, and who you are as a submissive Mm-Hmm. and,
and a baby girl, uh, than you were when we first met.
Oh, yeah. I was still kind of new when we first met. Mm-Hmm. .
Like, I, yeah. I mean, I,
I vividly remember like denying the baby girl side,
the submissive side.
I was just trying to figure out who the fuck I was as a submissive. Yeah.
And it was harder because when you and I met,
I'd had a relationship and tried to be a certain kind of submissive that what we
now know 10 years later is I'm capable of for about five minutes. Right.
. And then I need a break from that.
That was too much like effort and work, um,
. Look,
I can be disciplined and come across
as meek and mild for about five minutes. Yeah.
, uh, that's not a muscle. I exercise very often.
I've got too much shit to say for all that. Um, but we, you and I also entered,
even though it started out as a platonic thing,
and then eventually morphed into something more romantic and sexual,
we started off our power exchange with an idea of who we thought we were.
Mm-Hmm. individually as kinks,
and then who we thought that meant that we would be together.
And I think for me,
that ability to own who I am started
when we figured out what our dynamic really looks like. True. And then, and,
you know, I became baby girl and you became daddy and you know,
then we had to kind of navigate that and figure out what the hell that actually
meant. Right? Yeah.
But the longer we've done that and stayed a safe person for
the other two,
either reject certain ideas or embrace or try something new or whatever. Mm-Hmm.
is really easy to be more confident.
I think time has a lot,
a big role to play in that the longer you do something and it doesn't blow up in
your face, you know, the more confident you can become. Yeah.
I think you and I also have the added benefit that we literally talk about this
as our job . Like true, true, true, true.
I tried to tell myself I didn't have a special interest,
and then I realized ,
that I made my life revolve around sex and kink. And I went, oh,
I guess I found my special interest . Um, so,
you know, having to sort of embody the best parts of yourself Mm-Hmm.
professionally and then also admit the not so great parts as like,
here, learn from me, do better than me. Kinda life lesson kind of stuff. Mm-Hmm.
, you know, I think it's a little bit inev inevitable. There'll be,
um, a certain growth in confidence.
But the other thing that I think is true, at least for me,
is that you have consistently been who you are. Even through our worst times,
even when like shit has hit the fan and you're looking at me going,
the last thing I can fucking do to you today is dominate you .
I've gotta go into a dark room and scream instead. Right.
But you've always allowed me to be exactly who I am.
Sometimes who I am in the moment, uh,
is a little rough around the edges and rubs you a little raw and,
you know, big D steps in and it's like, whoa, whoa. Chill the fuck out.
Back the fuck down. Mm-Hmm. .
But you've never asked me to just not be myself. No.
You might say now is not the time,
or I do not have the patience for this right now. Absolutely.
But you've allowed me to be exactly who the fuck I am,
even when I'm trying to figure out who the fuck that is, right? Mm-Hmm.
like, yeah. Um, and so then I can, there's no,
I don't have that sense of, and not everybody experiences this,
and they certainly, not all the time,
but sometimes there can be this sort of sense of shame or even,
or guilt or just yucky feelings when you go, I told my partner,
or I told this person,
or I told myself I was this person and this is what I did and, and who I was.
And then like, you try that and you go, oh wait, I don't wanna do that anymore.
It's not who I am anymore.
And it can be difficult to admit that you've changed your mind or that thing you
were really confident Mm-Hmm. you were gonna do you, you know,
you don't want to do is not right for you. And I don't with you,
I don't have that. If we talk about a thing,
and it could be as innocuous as I'm gonna start doing this thing online,
I'm gonna post this, I'm gonna, it could be that small too.
This is who I am as a submissive, right? Mm-Hmm. .
This is who I am as a mother. Right. I can pivot
at any point and you don't judge me. You might have questions, ,
you might be like, have you thought this through ?
But so far I have not found the, the thing where I can go, oh,
yeah, I'm not gonna do that anymore. I tried it, it didn't work.
Or whatever were you having gone. Okay. Okay. So I'm, it's,
I'm safe to like, evolve, you know? Mm-Hmm. .
I don't have to apologize, you know,
to you for somehow feeling like I have failed at something or that, you know,
thankfully the, the evolution and then the changes have not been,
I don't want to be your submissive anymore.
That would be a much bigger fucking deal. Right? Yeah. Um, .
What, what, what, what.
Right. It's, you know, it's been real small, subtle things, you know,
it's, and, and some of it's not even been something we've consciously discussed.
I have, let's be real, become much sassier over time. .
Yes. That, with, with, and, and that,
that is something I believe is, is all part of that, you know?
Yes. You have grown in your confidence as, as a submissive Mm-Hmm.
. Um, and I think because of
the, the comfort you have with me,
you have allowed yourself to be more vulnerable
with me. Mm-Hmm. . And that in turn
has led to the,
the SaaS growing exponentially.
It, that is absolutely a safety thing because I, I am sure,
I am sure I think back to baby me, like, not like infant,
but like little me. Mm-Hmm.
like me before I understood the world outside of my house and my
parents and whatever. And I've always been mouthy. I just,
I've always got something to say, , I'm make an observation. And I,
I wanna say what is on my mind. And that was absolutely,
you know, metaphorically and sometimes physically. Mm-Hmm. ,
I hate to use this word, but I'm, it's, I mean,
it was beaten outta me and metaphorically and physically that was rejected
by the people who should have loved me the best. Right.
And so, you know, I learned how to
not be that way with certain people.
I made poor choices in friendships and partnerships for many years
of my life. And so thought that I was with a person I could be that way with.
And mm-Hmm. , nobody was ever as angry as, you know,
the, my younger days experience was Mm-Hmm. about who I was,
but I was absolutely rejected. Um,
for that side of myself. I was deemed weird. I was deemed, or,
or the,
the both best and worst one that I think a lot of people can relate to.
I was intimidating, you know,
to have a brain and a mouth that can move kind of fast together and you just say
the thing and you don't take shit and you call bullshit bullshit when you see
it. A lot of people in my life could not handle that. They, like,
they weren't strong enough, secure enough. Mm-Hmm. .
And part of it's 'cause that was, I was young then and they were young,
and so there's growing and maturing Sure. To do whatever. Um,
but, you know, then I met you and you were like, yeah,
it's, it's weird. And I don't, uh,
you're not like anybody I've ever met, but I think I kind of like this,
you know, not sure if that's good, but it's, you know, it's not,
you know,
and this is the thing I'll say for just the kink life and you know,
why kink and BDSM are so meaningful to me is because it
has absolutely given,
given me the freedom to explore all the different parts of myselves,
the sides of myselves. Um, so I did would, you know,
by the time I figured I was a baby girl with a little sassy mouth,
I would never have told you I was, I knew I had sassy thoughts in my head,
. But to actually say those things out loud,
there were very few people in my life who were safe enough. Now, thankfully,
I had a couple of people by the time I was an adult that I could be just a smart
ass bitch with. Right. And they found me funny. And those were my people.
You know, your vibe attracts your tribe. Mm-Hmm. .
It's so fucking cliche, but I love it. Uh, 'cause it seems to be true. Um,
and it's why my tribe's so fucking small. Like I,
the people that I would call besties and the people that in person get to
see me like that, yeah. There's like two or three of them. Like, that's it.
That's it. Um, but yeah, you,
you have been my safe place to just be who the fuck I am.
And if it rubs you the wrong way, it's never because of something innate in me,
it's that the tone was a little off. Mm-Hmm.
it wasn't the right moment. Um, and, and,
and I still have that part of me that holds myself back.
Like there I absolutely have thoughts. Mm-Hmm.
that probably shouldn't be set out loud. ,
some thoughts really should stay indoor thought. Um,
and you know, my own 44 years on the planet has taught me how to
pick and choose my moments. Mm-Hmm. .
I think it's why I'm so uncomfortable both in non kink life, I have,
if I have to go out and interact with the world as my legal name. Um,
and even in new kink groups,
groups of people that I know are kinky, that know me as Kayla,
but I don't know because I don't know if I'm safe. I don't know. Mm-Hmm.
if these people will not,
they don't have to embrace and be okay and think, I'm like, great. But like,
I don't know what their reactions will be.
And when you have memories of negative reactions, you know,
depending on how you're wired, and this is how I'm wired, you know,
I'm not gonna, I have very little desire to put myself out there like that.
I'll be fully myself in places where I'm safe to,
and the rest of the world can go fuck itself and they're just gonna see a very
specific side to me. Yeah.
You you proved you were safe and you proved you were goofy and
you know, and it's all been a real gradual, subtle thing.
Like there wasn't a moment where I went, I'm safe. Let me put all my crazy out.
Like . It was very like.
Mix and pieces. Yeah. I never read the fine print.
. You didn't, I mean, I never lied to you. I told you, I was like,
I was weird and crazy and you went Sure. And I was like, no,
he doesn't know what I mean. , but he'll, he'll figure it out soon.
Enough. Didn't know the breadth and depth of it. Yeah. Mm-Hmm.
. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. .
So I guess it's my turn. . Yeah. This is not a kink thing at all. Okay.
But this is definitely a, JB has grown as a human being.
The type of parent you were when we first met and you were,
it was a hot minute before you got to be around the kids.
But by the time I got to be around the kids, I was like,
this is an adult that I expect you to listen to, blah, blah blah. Right. Um,
that was like, I set the expectation early on the type of parent you are then
versus now. Not even recognizable .
Not even recog to the point that I will get on edge
when I have a memory of an encounter that with the oldest
at the youngest age now Mm-Hmm. ,
you would've blown up and lost your cool. And I would've been like,
what the fuck are you doing? Like,
don't you wanna see me stand up and be a bitch?
parenting is where I'll shove him into a corner and be like,
what are you doing? Um,
because for a while our parenting philosophies were very, very different.
Very different. And . Um,
now that similar situation will come up, but it's with a different kid,
which is different personality and different needs and all of that.
But I still brace myself. I'm like, oh, I remember how this went that time.
Now nevermind that time was the kid who jumped ropes with your nerves. Like,
he's not just jumping on him, he's double ducking. Like he,
he's working your nerves. Um, and you don't react that way anymore.
And there are times I still now will come to you and go,
I think we need to do this thing for this child. One of them. Right? Yeah.
And I'm expecting pushback. 'cause a few years ago I would've gotten pushback.
It would've.
Been, yeah.
And now you're like, okay. And I'm,
sometimes I'm ready with my, like,
we're in court and you're the jury or the judge and I've got an argument to make
and I'm, and I'll, you'll be like, okay. And I'm already halfway out with like,
here I have to convince you. And then I go, what? You're with me? You agree?
And this is not that, oh, J b's changed so much.
We always agree on parenting and my parenting style was the quote,
the right one.
But we had fundamentally different views on how Mm-Hmm.
to handle certain situations. And it caused most of our conflict.
Yes. If, if there was gonna be conflict in our relationship,
it was gonna be me going, I I disagree, I think you were wrong about this.
Right. Or it was gonna be you going, what the fuck are you doing? .
Mm-Hmm. . And I think we probably still have some.
We, we still have. We, we still have. Um, I'm,
I'm not gonna say we are like always a hundred percent
Yeah. Agreement. No, no, I don't think so. Um, you know, not,
not that I've totally shifted one way or another. Um,
there, there's still, um, some differences. There.
There, there has been a big shift in, in the way I think of things.
And even
if I don't think something is done quite right or.
The way, like the way you would want it to be done,
quite right that y'all hear that .
But I mean, it's, it's, it, it is also no longer a,
um, even if we, we do disagree on something,
it is no longer, um,
a point of tension between us. It, it is more of a, alright,
let's sit and talk about this.
Yeah. We are better at that. I,
part of the problem in the early days was that we each have our own
triggers when it comes to parenting.
Both you have your own triggers from the way you were raised. Mm-Hmm.
, which I definitely have.
And then you had your own from a previous relationship where you raised
stepchildren. And it was not the best, uh,
if I was willing to cut a bitch, I got,
I got a list of them is all I'm saying . Um, and so we were really,
what we were really doing was battling those things. True.
Because I had made the decision early on in the oldest
life. Like he was still a toddler. So I fucked it up before he was a,
before I made this decision, . But there came a point,
I made a decision where I went, okay, first of all,
trying to raise this kid the way I was raised is not working and we're both
miserable. I was like,
why don't I just try to do the actual exact fucking opposite.
Let's see what happens.
And so I had made some decisions about how I definitely was not gonna raise the
kids. And then I'd been on my own for a couple of years and Mm-Hmm.
, I got to make all the decisions, which is exhausting,
but also a little liberating. I mean, it's, it is and stressful.
'cause it means if you, if they fuck up, if they're fucked up,
you've done it and it's all you, um, at least that's what you tell yourself.
I don't think that's necessarily true. Mm-Hmm. . Um,
so I had the ways I was going to interact with them,
and then here we came together and you were like, what the fuck are you doing?
And I was like, this is, Hey, it worked.
It's worked up until this point . Um, I can remember some of our,
it never made me question whether we were supposed to be together.
It never made me question the choice I had made in basically going, yes, you,
you are my person.
But it did make me very nervous for how we were gonna survive until the youngest
was an adult. Because there were things I saw you falling back on.
Not anything. Yeah. Really negative, not harmful.
Things like that would've been okay. I think we need family counseling, like,
what's going on here? But little things that I had said, no,
I know how this fucked me up. So I definitely am not doing this with the kids.
And it's that little subtle stuff. Right. And
I was at war with,
this is my daddy dom. I show him respect at all times.
He is the decider in the leader in this household versus those are my two
fucking kids. And I'm a fucking mama bear. And I know what I think is right.
And I,
I remember how I felt at that age when it looked like I had a parent who would
not defend me. And so we would get into these arguments Mm-Hmm.
that weren't really about whatever the kid had done or not done.
It was more of a,
I was arguing for baby me who didn't get defended by my mother when
my dad was, went off the fucking rails and you Mm-Hmm.
remembering what can happen when a kid doesn't have enough
discipline and they go fucking wild. And they're un they're not, they're,
they're completely out of pocket. Like the Yeah. They need like severe help.
And so we were ba that's what we were battling. Yeah.
And it was just the kids being kids in the middle . Yeah.
I was like, huh. Yeah. You know, I'm like, Mm-Hmm.
M doing the battle of I am fucked up with food as, as a 30 something year old.
Because I had parents that on one hand basically told me I ate too much,
but on the other hand, forced me to clean my plate.
We're not playing food games. We,
we don't make nobody eat in this fucking house. Mm-Hmm.
that doesn't want to eat. Mm-Hmm. .
And then there was the, what do you mean you're going to speak that way?
Or the worst was when you wanted to punish
on your own. Yeah. And we hadn't had a conversation.
And I hated your punishment. And finding the balance between,
sometimes I hate it because it's too close to my childhood. Mm-Hmm.
And now we gotta have a conversation.
And sometimes I hate it because it wasn't my idea.
And I'm terrified of being too mean to my children. ,
which is not a good thing either. . Like, there's a balance. Right.
And I mean, and here we are now, we don't always agree,
but we are way better now. Yes. We will go into a room.
We can see it on the horizon now. Mm-Hmm. . Right. And we're like,
oh shit, we're gonna disagree on this. We.
Need to, we need to sit and, uh.
Let's hash this out. Yep. And we use, and I,
I used to get mad at you about this.
We have great communication skills with one another. Power exchange.
We gotta like, and in business we gotta figure out what we're doing.
We gotta figure out which way we wanna go and how this is gonna work. And, but,
and it's within our kink life. We got it outside. It's like we forget. Mm-Hmm.
. And I finally said to you, how is it we can,
you can talk to me like my dom when it's bedroom shit,
but you can't use the same skills when we're talking about when it comes to that
Yeah. Parenting. And when we finally got that shit together, it,
it hasn't been perfect, but it's been.
Better. It's been better. Mm-Hmm. . And,
and I think a lot of that had to do with, um,
you know, things unraveling for me the way they did. Mm-Hmm.
. I think it also, and.
And that kind of helped me
get a clearer look at what I was doing and where it was coming from. Mm-Hmm.
.
I think it also helped. I think that was a big part of it.
I've always thought that your own past and your own triggers were a huge part of
that. Because for most people,
how we choose to parent a child comes from either a rejection
of or an embracing of how we were raised. Right? Mm-Hmm. .
And you were still in that, well, this is what I know,
this is what feels normal, blah, blah, blah.
But it did absolutely help when the kids started getting diagnosed with
stuff. And I, I understand the thinking and I don't necessarily agree with it.
And you and I were good and it's not Mm-Hmm.
these are not things I think that are being thought now.
But prior to an official diagnosis, there was still that, well,
they're not trying hard enough. If they wanted to, they could blah, blah, blah.
Like those false things that some people you think, I mean, I,
I had those thoughts at times. And then you get a diagnosis and you go, oh,
, oh, okay. More things make sense. Now.
I had been doing my research prior to official diagnosis 'cause I was already
seeing the signs and was like, okay,
let me start just behaving as if they have these things. Mm-Hmm. .
And this is part of who they are. Um, but to me,
where you really started to sort of shine and make that evolution as a parent
was you didn't deny their diagnoses. You embraced it, you supported them.
You went and did your own research and did your own educating yourself. Right.
To figure out what so,
and which was really nice because sometimes I felt like my fear was I was gonna
have to come to you and I thought it would be a battle of this kid's autistic,
and this is how this presents in him. Mm-Hmm. And this is what this kid needs.
And you, and I was like, ready to like, like move my lawyers.
Dig your heels down. And.
Like, I had cited my sources and here we're, and you just went, okay, yeah,
that makes sense to me. And I was like,
Okay. So I mean, yeah. As a parent,
we've both grown because you just do Mm-Hmm.
as they get older and you realize you've kept them alive for 18
years and you're like, oh, look how I did the, I did the thing. Um,
so we've both grown and evolved,
but I just feel like witnessing your evolution,
it's just been in a more condensed time period than mine. Mine's 18 years and,
and going, um, and yours is much shorter amount of time. And I,
Mm-Hmm. . I just feel like I, it's amazing.
It's almost a night and day because you really were the strict,
you know, no bullshit. I think you're enabling,
I think you're spoiling these kids and there I hey,
I'm mature enough to say that there probably were times I was doing both Yeah.
For my own reasons. Mm-Hmm. that had nothing to do with them, but
yeah. Yeah.
.
Okay. If you've got anything else, go for it. Um.
Let's see. Maybe.
We don't have to get quite so heavy. I, I don't mean to, but there,
there you go. . Yeah, there you go.
I, I, I would have to say, I think, uh,
the one way I've seen you grow, um,
in is just in the way we handle our day-to-day
life. Mm-Hmm. and our work, you know, you were,
you were always very, um,
focused on your freelance work, especially, you know, even in the beginning.
Sure. You know, when you first.
Oh, I have something to prove in the beginning. Yeah.
Yeah. And, you know, while that has,
that has shifted and you know, now it's pretty much all on our shoulders.
Yeah.
You know, but you have, you, you have stayed true to that.
You know, you, you have grown into it and you have embraced it.
Yeah. I find it very strange.
My natural tendencies are to follow
preset rules and paths because then you can't get it wrong. And you know,
you're doing what is quote the right thing. Mm-Hmm. .
And so go to college, get married, get a job, work for somebody else,
maybe move up whatever the ladder looks like.
That was a very comforting thing to me. Mm-Hmm. .
And in other parts of our lives that are not really about this, um,
you know, how you raise a kid, how a kid gets educated, blah, blah, blah. Those,
like, to me, there was this path and,
and it's a source of comfort to do what other people say is what
you're supo supposed to do. Mm-Hmm. .
'cause if you can't get it wrong, you can't fuck it up. Now,
none of that's actually fucking true. That's not how life works. .
So to decide in one kind of fell swoop
that I would move away from family and friends, move in with my daddy,
Dom, um,
yank my kids out of what they know and bring them along for the ride and quit my
job and go freelance and completely throw out any perceived rule book
and forge my own path has been both the greatest thing I've
ever done.
And also the most fucking stressful because without a path laid out in
front of me to follow, it's just a, I think it is for a lot of people,
but I think depending on how you're wired and who you are and blah, blah, blah.
Mm-Hmm. it varies. For me, it's a,
it's very stressful because there's too many variables and there's too many ways
I could fuck it up. And,
and yet I needed to do it at the time. Mm-Hmm. .
I needed to do everything we did at the time I needed to be with you.
And we tried to do it the other way, and the universe was clearly going, no,
that ain't working. Yeah.
And I was hating my job and I was hating working for other people.
And now I'm at a point where like, I can't even fucking imagine. Like,
you're allowed to tell me what to do,
but nobody else is allowed to thank you very much.
Nobody else is allowed to control my time. Mm-Hmm.
or my output or the goals like Mm-Hmm. Um,
but I also am just who I am. So if I commit to a thing, I focus on it.
I'm like, well,
we're gonna do this to the best of our ability until we just can't do it
anymore. Um, the,
the thing that throwing out the perceived rule book and playbook
taught me was that I am capable of being creative and
making my own way forward. You know? Mm-Hmm. , it'll be messy.
I won't know I'm doing the right thing till later. Which is still a huge,
huge point of stress for me. Mm-Hmm. . Um, but,
you know, I can do it. And it's funny how it's easy to forget that.
So the way we work, the way we earn our money Mm-Hmm.
that has become,
I understand intellectually from the outside looking in, it is not normal,
is not what everybody does. No. But it is normal to us.
It's what we do because it's normal. And I feel like I know what I'm doing.
I have done enough of, my stomach is growling.
I hope the mic's not picking up . I've done it enough times,
I've created my own sort of like, follow this path and do it this way.
And you'll probably be okay. I forget that everything in life,
the rules are all fucking made up. The way we do shit is just,
'cause somebody at some point went Sure. Do it this way. And everybody went,
okay. Mm-Hmm. .
And I have to sometimes actively remind myself of that.
Like the decisions we've made and really the kid has made for the 14 year old
and what he's gonna do for school going forward and how we're gonna handle
things. I had to actively say to myself, wait, the rules are made up.
As long as you like, do what you feel like is right and with what is available.
You don't have to do this path. This path is not working. Mm-Hmm. .
You don't have to stay on it.
And I couldn't have had that thought about stuff we're dealing with today had I
not somehow had that thought in 2014
when we moved in together. And so it goes back to, you know,
I've increased in confidence. Well, yeah. I've done hard, scary shit.
And sometimes it blew up in my face .
And sometimes it worked out really well,
but all it did was remind me that I can do other hard scary shit that
doesn't have a set rule and path to it.
Mm-Hmm. . Even though it is, I mean,
it is mentally painful to me to go off book, to go off path and go,
we're traipsing through the forest here, but I don't like bugs or nature.
So what am I doing in a forest metaphor? Who knows? You know? Yeah.
But here we are. Um, yeah,
yeah. . And actually, quite frankly,
even though life is really hard right now, it has been the past few years,
and there have been times I've been tempted, I'm like,
should I go back to a corporate job?
Because at least we know how much the paycheck is steady, right? Mm-Hmm.
. And sometimes there's opportunity for growth and man,
you'd probably be a little less tired than you are. You know,
I've had those thoughts because it's not,
it was really great until it wasn't right. Yeah. But I also am like, no,
I know I can do these hard things and I believe in this Mm-Hmm. .
And I don't wanna do anything else. I do want my stomach to stop growling, but,
you know, whatever. So yeah.
I'm trying to think if I have a last one for you that's not like,
completely random, like about how your, you do your beard. Well,
I can say that , when I first met you,
you didn't have near as much facial hair.
That's true.
And you kept your, the hair on top of your head longer Yeah.
And hair on your face.
The beard is longer and the hair is shorter.
And I, I have ,
I the submissive have decreed that that's how it should stay . I know,
I know. Bodily autonomy. His fucking hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No,
no.
um, your hearing's a little worse, but you have bionics. Yep. Um,
you're a little shorter. Yeah. I'm, but you're not currently in any back pain,
so No, I'm not. You'll take shorter over Mm-Hmm. more pain. Yeah.
Um, but you're still,
you are still my fun loving rock.
my sadistic rock. my hit me like, you hate me rock.
Yeah. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Yep. Mm-Hmm. .
Some things don't change.
True. I mean, you know, and to be honest, um,
you know, even myself, I've thought about
going back to getting a job. Mm-Hmm. . And I,
I don't think I could at this point either. I'm, I'm, I've been,
I'm too far down that road.
Oh my God.
The first time somebody wanted me to do some busy bullshit work that I know
doesn't matter. I'd be like, what the fuck are you on about ? Like,
literally. Yeah.
Who.
I'm not doing that shit. We only do stuff that has a fucking purpose. Mm-Hmm.
. Yeah. You know it. Yeah.
I, I I couldn't do it anymore at this point. Mm-Hmm. So, you know,
I, um, I, I,
I think the last thing I would say
is, and, and I, I, I think,
I hope this is something that goes for both of us. Um, oh,
we're about to have a visitor. We.
Have Onyx on the table. Yeah. Bumping into the microphones. Mm-Hmm.
, um, you know, I
.
Sorry, podcast listeners.
Sorry.
Is is the way that you have allowed me to grow
and evolve and change, you know, so many
people in, in relationships, you know, well,
I don't like the way they've changed over time.
I don't like what they've become.
Right. I have a picture in my head of who they were 10 years ago. That's where.
I want them to stay or who I want them to be. Yeah. You know, and,
and you have not done that. You,
you have allowed me to be who I am,
who I want to be,
and you know who I am becoming. And continually.
I want you to always be the best version of yourself that you can be.
Like sometimes your best version, because of what's going on in life,
is not the version that's ideal. Yeah. I mean, but I want you to be happy.
I want you, you know,
it was painful to me mentally painful to watch you go to a
job that was soul sucking and that you hated and where you were not appreciated.
Like, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm not gonna cut a bitch for flirting with you.
I'm gonna cut a bitch for not treating you the way you deserve to be treated for
not seeing your fucking worth. Like, that's,
that's where my protectiveness probably is now more than anything. Like, Mm-Hmm.
, you know,
I think you're fucking amazing and deserve nothing but good things in your life.
And so the world better get in fucking line and treat you like you're an
amazing person and deserve nothing but good things. And so . If,
if that's, you know, if that's woodworking,
if that's, you know, whatever, whate, like, I can't,
I don't know at this point. Like, the things you do, you do, because both,
you enjoy them. And it's how we pay the bills.
And sometimes that gets blurry of how much do I enjoy this?
How much do I enjoy the money that comes from this? Yeah. Yeah. Uh,
there's not a lot of money that comes from this, but it's enough. Um,
so yeah. It's, you know, I, I just, whatever that, whatever,
what has been a good thing and is not always true for everybody. Mm-Hmm.
,
the changes we've experienced have been in parallel with one another.
Sometimes they've been intertwined. We've grown together. True.
We are better parents together than we were in the beginning. Um,
we are better communicators together than we were in the beginning. Correct.
We are more enmeshed in our power exchange and connected in ways
that are authentic to us. Mm-Hmm. better than in the beginning,
but there have also been changes that in some cases people
diverge from one another. Yeah.
They're on completely different paths and they're not going in the same
direction. And then, you know, for us, we've been fortunate that that has,
you know, we are walking in the same direction.
We're trying to get to the same place together. Mm-Hmm. , you know,
so I've grown in confidence in ways that you didn't need to
necessarily Right. Or in ways that you haven't quite gotten to yet. Um,
I'm aware of my own health and mental and physical maybe in ways that you're,
you know, you're not quite there with me yet, but you're getting there. Like,
we've, we've evolved in our own ways as individual people.
And I think that that's a thing that can get either forgotten, not realized,
or for those who look down on power exchange, just in general, you know,
people think that we talk, we did this episode about codependency. Right.
We're not codependent on one other. We, we are our own whole individuals,
but we still make each other better by being together.
And in some relationships that's not the case. True.
You grow so far apart that you either don't add anything or you make the other
actively you're, you're worse together than you are apart. Mm-Hmm.
, you and I are better together than apart. I mean,
could I technically sit in front of this camera and with this
microphone and talk to it? Yeah. But it wouldn't,
I'm not gonna say it's good now, but it would be way worse if it was just me.
It wouldn't be as good. Right. Yeah. It's the way we talk about,
like with the Ry Yeah. You could make all the shit all day long. Right.
But if they're in somebody telling folks about it, it's not gonna sell. Exactly.
It's like, I could tell people about it, but I can't fucking make it. Lord.
I'm not allowed near any of it. I sanded my own fingernail the other day.
. Um, we compliment one another. Yeah. We do.
We do. We need each other in a way that is not unhealthy. Mm-Hmm. ,
we can exist independently. We choose not to, you know? Mm-Hmm. ,
we celebrate the differences in one another.
We don't expect either to conform and be like us.
I want you to be who you are. That's who I fucking fell in love with.
And I like seeing the positive change in growth and evolution in you.
It has only benefited both of us. True.
I hurt for you when things are going badly for you,
especially if it's not something I can just fix or genuinely help you with.
Right. But, you know Yeah. I,
the, the train wound down in my head. Okay. The word just petered out. Mm-Hmm.
. So.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Hmm. So.
Yeah, I don't know how much more to add.
I know the moment we stop talking about this, my brain will go, oh,
but there was this you could have mentioned and then.
There was that, and then, yeah. Mm-Hmm.
, I think, I think we touched on some of the biggest ones.
I think so too. You know? Yeah.
Yeah. And yeah, we like, like you said at the top Yeah.
We know the biggest changes that were definitely heavier once where
I go back and I see, because of like YouTube stats and stuff, it'll be like, oh,
this video's getting a lot of views or this video. But,
or somebody will comment on an old video and I'll go look at the, the thumbnail.
I'm like, why did I think I was fat ? I like kill for that right now,
. And yet I know if I were to gain more weight,
I would look back on this and I'd be like, what the fuck was I complaining.
About? Right. I know. I.
Know. Right now I've,
I've accepted that we are doing healthy things Yeah. That don't necessarily,
we lead to weight loss and maybe they don't need to.
And our priorities are not on what our bodies look like, quite frankly.
Um, it's on how we feel and what we need to do for our family. And that's,
you know. Yeah. When things shift again and attention can be diverted,
then maybe, maybe we'll think of Mm-Hmm. about that,
but maybe we won't and it'll be okay.
True.
True. Hey, we still have, uh, hot, kinky scenes and, um,
good sex in these bodies. Mm-Hmm. .
So as long as these bodies want to continue to like.
Work, move in that direction. Yeah. Then I know. Keep, keep down that path.
Yeah. I'm not.
I'm not that worried about it. Yeah.
Yeah. I know. I know, I know. So.
Yeah. Mm-Hmm. . So I guess we can go into a bonus section.
Yeah.
Okay. So, uh, are we good? I have no.
Idea. It's not for me to say .
Okay. Keep it, keep it kinky all.
And we'll see you next week.
Dotty.
Yes, baby girl. Can.
I talk to the crickets? Please?
Do you actually have anything to say to the crickets?
Yeah, actually.
Huh? 'cause every time you ask me to talk to the crickets lately,
I give you permission and then you're like, I got nothing.
I know. 'cause I love to see the look on your face. When I do that,
it delights me. delights me.
I'm sorry. You have a confident sassy submissive. I
and you, uh, asked for it, so.
I kind of did. Kind of did. You created.
This monster. It's all your own fault. You did it to yourself.
Got no one to blame, but myself.
I'm just out here like being who I am and you went, yeah, sure. I like that one.
. Thank you. Taste.
You says that you had something to say earlier.
So can one of us talk to the fucking crickets? Go ahead. Oh, I was, I Well,
thank you. I, I want Thank you taste you for reminding us Yeah.
That you had something to say. Mm-Hmm. , uh,
I was just gonna talk about what we did on Saturday,
but you had something to say. So No, you.
Go ahead and talk about Saturday. I know what I have want to talk about,
and I will.
It must be nice to have a memory that actually worked. ,
you thought of something an hour ago. You can recall it later.
I can't even imagine. . Yeah. We, uh, we,
I went to my first actual play party. My experiences with public community.
Things have all been dungeon related.
It was not your first play party at all. Mm-Hmm. .
It was my first play party. Um, we did, uh, we went Halloween party.
Uh, our, our Halloween thing was just to wear all black. I needed a dress.
I could swoop over my head real quick.
and JB likes to wear black when we're gonna scene and Yeah. Sexy in it.
. Um, it, I was be begging him the whole night. It was a, uh,
his shirt was a dress shirt, black dress shirt. And the whole night, like,
we went out to a very early dinner,
so our stomachs have time to settle before we played.
And then we went to this party. And the whole time I'm like,
when is he gonna roll up his fucking sleeves? I need forearm here.
When does he do it? When he is ready for me to get on a spanking bench?
And I was like, and then I had to stop and like,
watch and drool at the same time. 'cause I was like,
your forearms are so fucking sexy.
A masculine person with their dress shirt rolled up to like a round elbow
blank cheek. It's just sexy fuck. I love it. . Um,
unless I don't find that person appealing at all. And then it's not sexy.
It's not like a always sexy thing, but mostly sexy thing. Anyway.
Um, yeah, the party was good. The,
the people that we met and the people that invited us and the people that we
knew are all lovely people. They're all very nice people. Mm-Hmm. .
I am the problem. . I was a nervous wreck.
The social anxiety was on high alert.
The discomfort with being in a different place that I didn't know and had never
been before was high. I got overstimulated a few times.
Jamie would be like, are, do you, do you need to walk outside? I was like, yes.
Yes, I do. Yeah. And then one time we went outside and it was fine.
There was one person out there,
and that was somebody that I'd had conversations with before.
So I was mostly comfortable.
And then the next time we went outside and I actually needed to be able to say
something to jb it was people we didn't know and I wasn't comfortable with.
And I was like, this is, I'm still overstimulated. Um,
and then we thought we'd never get to use the spanking bench.
'cause every time we thought, okay, we, it's our turn now.
It was somebody else's turn.
So finally when we got onto the spanking bench, we were,
I think we were both like in unique moods. Mm-Hmm. . Um,
and yet, yeah. Uh,
JB characterized that scene later in the best way. He's like,
I hit you. Like, I hated you. I'm like, I know . And I was like,
I loved it. . Um, it was, it was very short. It was very, very brief.
But very intense.
Very intense. 'cause I took harder impacts than I usually do.
Yes. We had, this is not something I would recommend to anybody ever.
Uh, we went by the energy and it worked.
We had a basic str basically a stranger, I still don't know their name. Uh,
wander into the scene. They stayed for five minutes.
We even let them pull out their flos. Um, that was intense. It was good. Mm-Hmm.
. Like, it was,
I've never been flogged like that with that much like ouchie to it. Ze.
Oh yeah. Mm-Hmm. . Um, but it was actually really good.
And then JB was like, okay, we're gonna play now just the two of us. Thanks.
Um, and I was, I think we were both still like in a weird head space from that.
But also it had, before that had happened,
it had started with like banter, um,
between us. And I was, y'all are shocked. I was being sassy. Um, .
And I knew I had an audience that was actually paying attention to what was
going on. And so it was like, there was a little bit of performance there,
but not much. But by the time we got through those,
like five minutes of that person, again,
whose name I literally still do not know. Um,
and we were back to just the two of us.
The energy had shifted between us and JB went,
you're gonna get your birthday spanking tonight. And I was like, yeah, okay.
And he used a paddle that is usually really hard for me to take.
And it was 44 plus one to grow on.
And by the end I was screaming.
And you said people were like stopping and coming to watch. And I was, oh, yeah.
Normally I'm aware of when there are eyes on me and I like play up to it.
Like it's, I like it as an exhibitionist, but I was not aware.
At all. And there were people who were, you know, watching this. And,
and the way I was going at her, you were like, I wonder what she did wrong.
Did she do something wrong? Was she bad? ? Yeah. No.
It was very, very good. Thank you very much. . Um,
and then after that I was super fucking relaxed.
Yeah, you were. Yeah, you were.
But I also, everybody had,
there'd been a lot of scenes at that point and people were kind of in their own
corners either going through aftercare or just like being kind of quiet and
mellowed out. Mm-Hmm. .
And I finally got into like just a one-on-one conversation instead of there
being like lots of people around. Um, but don't worry,
I am absolutely that party goer and several people. There were,
I really was among my people. My brain just couldn't handle it. Mm-Hmm.
. 'cause it was all too new. Um,
I am that party goer who will find your pet and spend more time talking to your
pet than you and be perfectly happy. There was this teeny tiny little chihuahua.
And instead of being like a, a mean bastard, like they can sometimes be,
this little baby was happy to be passed around from person to person.
And he ended up sleeping on me for a while. And I was in love.
That that little guy was adorable.
Was adorable. And I don't usually say that about Chihuahuas. Mm-Hmm.
. But that little guy was adorable.
And then there was a corgi who did that. I thought it was just a meme.
I thought it was just a thing. People laughed about multiple times,
did that thing where they look back, but basically over their little furry butt.
And I was like, oh my God, corgis really do do that. . Um,
and then I, we both tried to get a cat to love us. Um,
and JB is usually the cat whisperer and no go, no go. The cat was like, me,
you're fine, but you're not, you're not that good. Right. Um, .
But, but yes, I am the person.
If I'm put into a situation where it is like somebody's abode,
if you have a pet, that's who's gonna get my attention.
But see, we, we actually even talked about that afterwards and, you know,
um, because it looks like, you know, for us to really get some play in,
especially with some of the changes coming up in the future, um,
you know, parties like this are gonna become more of a thing for us. Mm-Hmm.
. Mm-Hmm. . And, um, you know, I,
I had some thoughts on that. And, and last night I had to go pick up, uh,
some coils for my E-cig and,
um, took Kayla along with us. Uh, this,
this shop that I, that I deal with for, for the vape. Um,
they deal in a lot of different things. And you know,
one of the things is they do have C, B, D and, you know, I've,
I've heard a lot of different things about it. Um, never really looked into it,
but, uh,
went there last night and we kind of talked with them a little bit about it.
And, you know, what it, what it can be used for, what it does,
how it different differences, you know,
from getting something at a dispensary as opposed to this.
And, and I think.
Which one has a calming effect? Which one has a, you'll get a little high,
but then you'll be calm. Right. Which one's gonna give you the munchies.
Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I I think we're going to, uh, you know,
with her in mind gives something like this a try and see if this kind of helps
calm you a little bit in those situations. Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, and, uh, I,
I was kind of shocked when I went there because this was something new. Um,
apparently they,
there has been found a loophole in the state of Florida's law.
And I walk, you know, I walk in there and, uh,
I got what I needed to get and was like, okay, well, you know,
wanna look around and, and I see these jars, these big,
big jars on the counter. One, one spot lined up. And I'm looking at,
I'm like, oh, I, I know what those are.
I remember those from 30.
Years ago. , I, I remember this. And, and, and I,
you know, seeing it out in the open, um, you know, in, in,
in dispensaries it's usually behind, you know? And, and I was like,
okay, do you, you know, is this, you need a medical card for this?
And like, no.
Oh, let us tell you how this works. And we were educated.
And, and, and, and the young lady there, she, she,
she gave me quite the education. I was like, well,
this is very different from my day when I was young .
And I'm over there just being quiet.
Like I was that goody two shoes who has no experience with any of this. Yeah.
So I'm just gonna be.
Quiet. . Yeah. So, um,
you know, I I, um, may,
may end up giving this try even for myself.
Just, just dose me before we go anywhere. ,
here's your special gummy.
Yeah. Okay. . So, you know, um, yeah. It was,
it was kind of an interesting, uh, evening last night and.
Uh, yeah. It was Ed. Yeah. 'cause it.
It was very educational.
I'm wound way too tight in all social Yeah. Moments these days. And it's, yeah.
It, I don't wanna say it's debilitating 'cause we're not at that level,
but if Mm-Hmm. , I don't figure out how to manage it.
I think it could be,
I think it could be something where I just try never to talk to anybody or,
you know, I already don't go a lot of places anyway, but, so Yeah. Mm-Hmm.
I was like, part of it was, you know,
I want to primarily for j B's sake,
'cause I am that person left to her own devices.
Just probably never come outta my house. I mean, unless I had to . Um,
I want to be around community more.
I want us to be out there doing the things. Yeah.
Mostly 'cause I wanna be doing them with jb I don't really care about doing
them. I just wanna do the Jimmy . Um, but it was,
it was, I don't know if painful is the right word. I mean, the,
it was weird because on a, on one level, like logically analytically,
you know, it was a good place to be. It was good people to be around.
Yeah. It, yeah. You know, like, it kills me. 'cause it's like, well,
this should have been a good time. And, you know, like Mm-Hmm.
there was, were people that we know and have talked to that,
you know, you know better than I do that we've, you know Mm-Hmm.
it, this was not like we'd walked in and, you know,
strangers to a munch or something. Right, right. Like it, and I was like, I,
this is, this is hard. I think this is harder than it has to be.
Yeah. I mean they, so, you know, I, I've been to several of their,
their parties now is the first time Kayla. But, um,
you know, they, they do it really, really well. I mean, they, they are,
you know, very big on, on on consent. Mm-Hmm. and, you know,
um, respecting boundaries and, and different things like that.
Whi which is absolutely good. Um, you know, ,
my gosh, everybody, um,
chips in and, uh, you know, brings a dish, some kind of food.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, and, and there, there's plenty of food and,
and, and, you know, drink to go around. Um,
they, they do not, um,
allow alcohol at the parties.
Oh. There's a vetting process to even get to.
Go there. There, there's a vetting process to get into the parties. So,
you know.
Um, Mr.
Spock made a good comment that to make sure that poor Mr doesn't have to worry
about us at least. Mm-Hmm. , Mr. Buck said,
I feel the obligation to point out that if you're going to play,
especially in public after taking TC slash cbd,
you really need to make sure you know how it impacts you first.
'cause it can Yes. Right. We, uh, that was, that's first our thing.
We are not gonna go anywhere.
Until No, no, no. It, until we know it's, it's, it's gonna be something that,
you know, especially with, in Kayla's case, have her try at home. Mm-Hmm.
First and, you know, see how, how it does impact her and, and, you know,
whatnot. So, Mm-Hmm.
And I've watched,
I've been on the internet enough to know that if I take a small amount and I
think nothing's happening, do not take more .
More Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
'Cause apparently that's when you fuck yourself. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No,
yeah. We were even because with between his back and, and my,
and even your mental health stuff. Mm-Hmm. , we were like,
should we see about getting a medical marijuana card?
Like that's an option here. And Right. It's like, uh,
if it can do something for, you know,
pain that you experience or anxiety that I experienced, like legitimately. Yeah.
You know.
But, well, I mean, even, even for me, I'm, I'm looking at it a little bit more,
um, you know, because the, the, the things that I was looking at, you know,
she was explaining how, you know, this particular thing does not
get you as high as like, you know, typical cannabis. Mm-Hmm.
would. And, um, you know, it, it's more, um,
uh, you know, to help you relax. You know, you want to,
you want to wind your day down and, and sit down and relax. Um, you know,
I I will freely say since taking the Wellbutrin, um,
I'm sleeping better. Not great yet,
but better than I had been, um, you know,
something like this once in a while where to help me Sure. Just, you know, get,
get through that, um,
you know, get even just a little bit better night's sleep. Um, yeah.
I can't imagine being actually relaxed, but Sure. Mm-Hmm. , we,
we can, uh, experiment with actual relaxation.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, um, yeah.
We'll, we'll see. You know, and we'll, we will give it a try and see how Mm-Hmm.
. So was that what you wanted to talk about at the top? Yeah. Oh,
okay. See, we got there. We got there.
Y'all. And, and now you can go into the rest of what you.
No, I was just gonna talk about, um, the play party.
Oh, okay. That.
Was it. That's our big thing. I ain't got nothing. I mean,
I had my birthday on Monday. I'm 44 now. I had cake.
Yeah, you did. We still have cake. We still have cake.
. Yeah. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that.
You made sure that it was mostly purple. Mm-Hmm. .
And there were buttercream roses on top. Yeah. And I got the purple one, so,
Mm-Hmm. .
You know, Christie, that that's what it was. Um,
Delta eight that they were showing us last night talking about. Yeah.
So, yeah.
Yep. I.
I basically said, and I, if I'm gonna ingest something, I need to be aware.
I'm aware of that. Mm-Hmm. . But also, sometimes,
sometimes there's a benefit to be in this Miss baby girl. I said,
'cause it all sounds like gobbledygook in my head. like, whatever.
So I said to jb, I was like, look,
you do what you need to do to figure this stuff out, and you just,
you just bring it to me. I have no problem if you do the research.
I'll have questions before I pop something in my mouth. Yeah. Like,
I'm too paranoid not to Mm-Hmm. .
But if I had to try to take on learning about that stuff when I have no
experience with it to begin with. Yeah. On top of everything else I,
I'm dealing with on some personal stuff right now. Like, I couldn't it,
so I was like, no, no, no. I trust you. It's good. It's good. Mm-Hmm.
, I'll ask you questions when it, it's like go time ,
but for the research purposes, you go right ahead. . Yeah.
I abdicate all responsibility. .
Mm-Hmm. .
Look, there's gotta be a benefit to this thing. So.
Well, you know, some, um, what,
what Kayla hadn't really touched, she touched a little bit on it earlier, but,
um, you know, part, part of this whole thing is because the, uh, the youngest,
um, has made a decision to go ahead and,
and homeschool.
His health is, we don't know if it's all mental,
but his mental health is impacting his physical health and it is deteriorating.
And we've, we're going to doctors, we're doing the thing we need to do. Mm-Hmm.
. I'm waiting on a referral from a GI doctor for him. Yeah. Um,
but he's miserable. He hasn't been to school in the past three days now. Um,
so yeah. I mean, it's, he,
we were talking last night trying to get him to go to bed at a semi decent time.
Mm-Hmm.
.
And that was the decision he came to. And I went,
you have to sleep on it before I will act on this.
And I went to wake him up this morning. I let him sleep in,
he wasn't going to school. And I went in and his eyes open and he went,
so have you started the process yet for this? And I went,
I was waiting to confirm with you that this is still what you want. Mm-Hmm.
. So, yeah. We're gonna have some changes around here, hopefully.
Yep. Hopefully for the better. I'm going off book again though. I'm going like,
we're throwing away the instruction manual on life. Yeah. And I'm and.
It on, on what it's supposed to be. Yes. It.
Freaks me out, but I know what we're capable of. Right. And it'll be.
Fine. It's, uh, yeah. It's, it's a little freaky for me too. Mm-Hmm.
. But, um, yeah. I I have no doubt we'll, uh, navigate it. Yeah.
Hopefully with good humor. That would be nice. Yep.
, right? . If not with.
Good humor, then with a Jack and Diet Coke. Okay. There.
You go. That's all I'm signing.
.
Lots.
Of or a coffee martini here. Gumm.
You know, gummies. So many gummies. All the gummies. .
Don't think you're supposed to do it that way, but whatever.
No, you're not. Okay. I'm gonna limit you there. You know, so.
.
Okay, so that's a lot all.
At once. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Uh.
I don't know if the topic this week was any good. I, it felt a little heavy.
It did. I didn't mean for it to for it to.
You have to come up with something lighter for next call.
Oh, I have an idea.
Do good. Have an idea, . I.
Do. And it might even not like our,
y'all the core group that are like,
are gonna be here most times anyway as your schedules. Mm-Hmm. .
But, but for people who just like randomly find us,
I think it might even piss 'em off. So it'll be fun.
. Hey. So.
Andre says,
I'm guessing that the whole homeschool thing will affect play and livestream.
Livestream. Probably not so much.
Although we did talk about maybe changing the schedule just, just for ourselves.
Mm-Hmm. , um, play. Yes. That's why we're,
we're trying to navigate how to do play parties. 'cause home,
um, uh, play will will be catch as catch can.
So Yeah. Yep. Yep. But you know, it,
it also seems that, um, you know, between the parties, um,
there are more people that are starting to put on events. Mm-Hmm.
in this area. Mm-Hmm. . Uh, which is,
which will be nice, you know, more opportunity, uh, for that.
So, you know, without having to travel all the way to Orlando.
I know.
Oh, that's what I didn't,
I there was something I could say in the bonus section. Ah.
There you go. See.
You said Orlando and it made me think of it.
Oh, and that, that tripped the trigger, huh? Mm-Hmm. .
Okay. I kept a secret for over a.
Month. She did. And it was a hell of a secret.
So I don't know how many of y'all remember it.
We tend to say something about it, uh,
basically almost every December.
Yeah.
Because that's when we find out, they're usually coming near where we're at.
And it's at that point too late.
So for J B's wedding anniversary present and Christmas, it's all of it.
He's getting nothing. Yeah. .
Hey. It's a big thing. I'm, I'm cool with that. It's.
I got us. And this us includes the kids as well.
Tickets to finally see Trans Siberian Orchestra. Yes.
In their Christmas ul lolly, uh, right before Christmas in Orlando.
Um, yeah. We're going to that.
And not only did I manage to do it and him not know ,
but I didn't fucking spill the beans.
No. She didn't.
For over a month.
And it was so funny because I have sometimes the memory of a goldfish.
So I did the thing and I was like, nervous. He was gonna find out I had to like,
download the Ticketmaster app 'cause I don't have that fucking app on my phone.
And I was getting these emails and I was like, okay,
he doesn't read over my shoulder, but what if he saw something and wondered?
And I was like, okay. And, and it came from an amazing,
wonderful tip from somebody in the loving BDSM dms. You know who you are.
Thank you so much. Um, and I was like, he never checks the dms,
but what if he does this one time? Like, I was like, right. So in those moments,
I was like freaking out that he would find out.
And then time passed and I stopped thinking about it and had to start reminding
myself, you are gonna have to tell him. When are you gonna tell him?
And I was like, I'll tell him on our wedding anniversary that,
and it's a present, so that'll work.
So I forgot about it until I would remind myself, but I was fine. I wasn't,
wasn't antsy. I was like, okay, that, you know, when you're gonna tell 'em,
it's fine. It's Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. Day of our wedding anniversary,
I was like holding the words back from my face because I was
so desperate to tell him.
But I didn't wanna tell him while we were like washing fucking dishes or like,
you know, cleaning out our ears after a shower. Like that's,
we went to a new, to us coffee shop,
Uhhuh had an excellent coffee and I got to tell 'em then. Mm-Hmm.
. But it was like tumbling out of my mouth at that point. Like,
I couldn't have contained myself a moment longer.
And, uh, but yeah,
here I'm sitting in this coffee shop and my jaw just about dropped to the
ground. Mm-Hmm. .
because he was like, he was teasing me the day or two before.
'cause I was like, I'm gonna tell you on our anniversary. And he is like, okay.
He's like, I think I know what it might be. And I'm like,
like my eyes are all wide. Like, at first I said, if, if you've guessed this,
when I tell you you lie to me, you lie to me. And let me think of the surprise.
And then the more I thought about that, I was like, no, I, I don't like that.
'cause I'll always figure out that I've, that he'd lied and then I'd be like,
well then I can't trust him to tell me other things.
So I stopped myself and went, no, if when I tell you you figured it out,
you have to tell me because then you have to tell me how you figured it out so I
know how to circumvent you for future surprises. And so I wasn't,
I was nervous when I finally told him because I was like, oh my God,
what if he figured this out? And his jaw literally dropped.
It was the fucking best. Uh,
it's nice to make your jaw drop and it not be because I'm crazy. .
.
It's a really.
Right. It's not.
Because of some fucked up shit that.
I just said . Right. So, you know, no, I, I,
I have listened to Urian Orchestra for
years. Um, love their Christmas.
It's the Ghost of Christmas Past or something.
Like that. Yeah. That's, I think the show's called this.
Year's. Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Yeah.
And it was so funny 'cause I was talking to the kids 'cause I was not gonna buy
four fucking tickets if these children did not want to go. Yeah. And you know,
the youngest, I, he, he's
big loud crowds and spaces and noise that could be very overstimulating.
So I was asking him first and I was like, do you think you can manage?
I was like, we'll, you know, get you some noise canceling earbuds.
We'll do whatever we need to do for you. Yeah.
But do you think you could do this? He's like, yeah, I think I could.
And I think I even played some,
like some of their music on YouTube for him to listen.
Like this is the kind of thing you'd hear. Mm-Hmm. .
So then the one I was really skeptical about was the 18 year old .
I'm like, oh, you know, big college kid. He is not, you know,
is he gonna wanna do this?
And so I text him while I'm planning all of this and on,
I'm on all of the Trans Siberian orchestra list now. I got,
I won the lotto to be lottery lotto. Lord,
I'm so Florida the lottery to be able to buy the good, good seats early.
And then I saw the cost of the good, good seats. I went, no, no,
I can't buy them. Uh, we bought the cheap seats. Um, anyway,
so I text the oldest and I'm like, Hey, uh, I'm gonna do this. It's a secret.
So shut your trap, but would you want to go? Do you want me to buy you a ticket?
And he went, holy shit. Yes. Hell yeah. And I was like, .
But he is the music kid. So there's that. Yeah. Yeah. But then I go, okay, cool.
That's what I need to know.
You're gonna need to make sure you're home at that point.
But hopefully he'll come home for more than just Christmas Day. Anyway.
So , I buy the tickets.
I'm queuing a secret from jb I'm telling the ki the oldest about it. And I go,
yeah, we're gonna go do the two 30 matinee one.
We're gonna go middle of the day. And he goes, oh, gross . I was like,
look, we are old. Yeah. We could go to the seven 30 show,
but neither of us is gonna wanna drive back from Orlando at like 11 o'clock at
night. If we go to the two 30 show, we get to go to the show and relax.
And maybe we go have some dinner at a place in Orlando we could never go to.
'cause we don't live here. And so just like, come on man.
I'll buy you free food. I haven't told 'em that. If we have the money,
I'll even buy 'em a little souvenir from the concert, by the way,
if you want. So yes, if I buy one for a child,
of course I would buy one for you. . It's your present.
They just get to be along for the ride. Uh, so yeah. So yeah.
It's, it's, I I'm so proud of me. I'm so grateful for the person. You,
you did good. You did good. Who DMed with the link and went, Ooh, by the way,
they're about to put these on sale. You, you know, I know y'all talk about it.
I was like, ah. Then I had to come back. 'cause I was like, you know, p you,
you might talk to somebody in DMS here,
but you might talk to them in other places. So I came back and went, okay,
I've done the thing. Shh. Do not mention this anywhere.
I mean, I, I really thought it was something that I would never get to do.
Stick with me kid.
.
I did it. Good . You did. You did. You did. You did good.
I'm so fucking pleased with myself. You did good. I, I did the thing.
You did really good. And now I'm on their fucking list.
So maybe one day we don't have to buy the cheap seats. .
So Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Mm-Hmm. .
How did I almost forget to like, I don't know. I don't know.
'cause I was focused on the play party. Yeah. That's a lot. Mm-Hmm.
.
I think we're taking advantage of the fact that we don't have to run out and
pick up a kid this afternoon. . True. True.
Although I do have something where I have to go after We're done now.
That's true. You do. Yep. I have work I have to do. Yeah.
So we should probably go do those things. Mm-Hmm. . Yep.
Thanks y'all for being here. To the better end. Thanks for hanging out. Yep.
Yeah. Um, hope the topic if was not informative, was interesting. Mm-Hmm.
. Um, and maybe start some conversations in, in your relationships.
Yeah. Um, so yeah, we're gonna finally go Mm-Hmm, . Okay. Bye bye.
Clicking buttons, just.