1 00:00:10,660 --> 00:00:13,600 You are listening to the Loving B D S M podcast, kil Lord's Here. We're the one, 2 00:00:13,620 --> 00:00:18,200 the only, the, are you caffeinated enough yet? John Brownstone? Yes. 3 00:00:18,510 --> 00:00:18,980 Good? 4 00:00:18,980 --> 00:00:19,960 Yes. Good. I'm. 5 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,600 Glad. I am. You're so caffeinated. You've moved on to decaf. 6 00:00:22,950 --> 00:00:23,760 Yeah. Mm-hmm. 7 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:28,050 . Mm-hmm. . Okay. . That has. 8 00:00:28,050 --> 00:00:28,883 Nothing here so much for that. 9 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,730 What we're talking about, uh, this week, 10 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:35,250 this week we're answering a two-part question on how to get more kinky play in 11 00:00:35,250 --> 00:00:38,810 without having to necessarily plan every detail. 12 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:42,490 Welcome to the Loving B D S M podcast. If you're new here, 13 00:00:42,490 --> 00:00:45,170 we help sters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. 14 00:00:45,790 --> 00:00:47,970 You can add this podcast to your favorite podcast app, 15 00:00:47,970 --> 00:00:50,490 so you never miss an episode. We think you should . 16 00:00:50,710 --> 00:00:53,930 And if you'd like us to answer your questions in an upcoming episode, 17 00:00:53,930 --> 00:00:57,210 we have a contact page called Ask your Questions on our website, 18 00:00:57,210 --> 00:01:00,890 loving bdsm.net. And in the show notes for this episode, 19 00:01:01,780 --> 00:01:06,330 which is also@lovingbdsm.net, , we are nothing if not consistent. 20 00:01:06,460 --> 00:01:10,210 Right. Okay. Let's get into the question. Okay, here we go. Mm-hmm. 21 00:01:10,250 --> 00:01:12,770 , how do you make space for B DSM play? 22 00:01:13,510 --> 00:01:18,090 Me and my sub have a 24 7 service-oriented DSS relationship. Mm-hmm. 23 00:01:18,110 --> 00:01:21,170 We like several more play-based B D S M activities, 24 00:01:21,170 --> 00:01:26,090 but we don't do them as often as we want. I feel easily forced when we plan, 25 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:28,210 play, even if I plan it myself. 26 00:01:28,390 --> 00:01:32,290 But spontaneous play also doesn't seem to happen as often as we want. 27 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:37,530 There's also the factor of sexual tension that stops me from doing play. 28 00:01:38,130 --> 00:01:40,290 I don't want it to end up with sex all the time, 29 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:43,610 but I feel very forced that way when bon are present. , 30 00:01:44,050 --> 00:01:46,450 I don't really know how to get away from this connection in my head, 31 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:50,170 even though my sub just says to ignore the boner. I'll be honest, 32 00:01:50,170 --> 00:01:51,810 that would've been my first piece of advice. 33 00:01:52,430 --> 00:01:55,170 And mine too, I hate to say, but if that doesn't work, it doesn't work. , 34 00:01:55,170 --> 00:02:00,010 you know, um, that's just a physical reaction. Right. You know, 35 00:02:00,030 --> 00:02:00,863 it does not always, 36 00:02:00,910 --> 00:02:04,570 and does not always mean you have to act upon that physical reaction. Right. 37 00:02:04,830 --> 00:02:07,290 So, but let's start with the first part of the question. Mm-hmm. , 38 00:02:07,290 --> 00:02:12,050 which don't like to plan it, it makes 'em feel, but spontaneous. 39 00:02:12,860 --> 00:02:16,170 Isn't, doesn't happen all the time either. Right. So what are your thoughts? Um, 40 00:02:17,050 --> 00:02:21,370 I mean, um, kind of gonna say it, but you know, 41 00:02:21,470 --> 00:02:25,490 you may have to, if, if spontaneous is not happening the way, 42 00:02:25,630 --> 00:02:29,810 as the way you want it to, and as much as you want it to, um, 43 00:02:31,350 --> 00:02:34,650 you may kind of have to bite the bullet on the planning. You know, 44 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:39,610 when we first got to a point in our relationship that we kind of had to plan, 45 00:02:40,250 --> 00:02:41,690 I didn't like it either. Mm. 46 00:02:42,250 --> 00:02:43,050 I didn't know that. 47 00:02:43,050 --> 00:02:47,650 I, I was not very fond of it either, but when I realized, when I, 48 00:02:47,970 --> 00:02:52,730 I got to the point that I realized, you know, 49 00:02:52,910 --> 00:02:57,490 hey, this is allowing us to have some playtime. Right. 50 00:02:57,990 --> 00:03:00,520 You know, I, I kind of got over that mm-hmm. 51 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:05,520 and I started looking as at it as something to anticipate and 52 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:06,760 something to look forward to. 53 00:03:07,090 --> 00:03:07,900 Right. Was, 54 00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:12,240 but that was after you had gone through that discomfort of I don't like this. 55 00:03:12,450 --> 00:03:14,600 Right. But I'm doing it anyway. Mm-hmm. , 56 00:03:14,740 --> 00:03:17,200 and then you had the experience of, okay, I like this. 57 00:03:17,580 --> 00:03:19,760 And then you started looking forward to it. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. 58 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:20,680 . Gotcha, gotcha. 59 00:03:20,830 --> 00:03:23,000 Yeah, because kind of, I mean, really it was, 60 00:03:23,260 --> 00:03:26,400 it was sort of the same thing for us, you know, 61 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:29,640 in the beginning things were very spontaneous with us mm-hmm. . 62 00:03:30,070 --> 00:03:31,520 Well, yes and no. Mm-hmm. , 63 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:33,760 they were spontaneous in that when we were together, 64 00:03:34,430 --> 00:03:37,880 like anything that we talked about just could happen. Right. 65 00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:42,440 But we had planned the fact that we would be together at all. 66 00:03:42,980 --> 00:03:45,560 So then that allowed for the spontaneity. 67 00:03:45,620 --> 00:03:48,800 And that is actually where my mind went when I read this question initially 68 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:52,280 mm-hmm. , which is instead of planning the scene, and it, 69 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:55,640 you feeling forced in that moment, and I have a thought specifically to that. 70 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,880 Okay. But I'll get to that in a second. But instead of planning the scene, 71 00:03:59,020 --> 00:04:03,160 can you just schedule the time when, you know, something could happen? 72 00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:06,600 It's mm-hmm. time in your week, your month, 73 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,480 whatever your sort of schedule works out that, you know, something could happen, 74 00:04:11,260 --> 00:04:13,600 but you don't know what it is until you get there. Mm-hmm. 75 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,440 so that the, what you do. 76 00:04:15,550 --> 00:04:16,180 Even if you. 77 00:04:16,180 --> 00:04:16,680 Is more. 78 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,560 Spontaneous, if you, and that that's a good point. I I like that. I mean, 79 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:24,560 even if you schedule it as open time. 80 00:04:24,850 --> 00:04:28,320 Right. You know, you'll come together mm-hmm. For something. Right. 81 00:04:28,380 --> 00:04:32,440 But that something gets to be decided in the moment, uh, 82 00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:36,320 or however your spontaneous play usually kind of gets decided mm-hmm. 83 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:36,400 , 84 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:40,040 that way you're not choreographing a scene and you don't feel like you then have 85 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:43,480 to maybe follow a script or do something that doesn't feel organic, 86 00:04:44,340 --> 00:04:45,400 but you've set the, 87 00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:49,880 the time aside and you know that whatever happens will happen. And it's a, 88 00:04:50,230 --> 00:04:54,400 it's a little bit of a mindfuck and it's not always easy to mindfuck yourself. 89 00:04:54,540 --> 00:04:57,080 Um, I am easily mindfuck by others, 90 00:04:57,900 --> 00:05:01,080 but my logical brain will try to kick in and go, but yeah. 91 00:05:01,140 --> 00:05:05,520 But you know what this is, so there's a little bit of suspension of disbelief, 92 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:08,440 almost like when you read fiction, you kind have to go, mm-hmm. Sure. 93 00:05:08,460 --> 00:05:11,800 My logical brain could analyze this to death, but we're just gonna go with this. 94 00:05:12,550 --> 00:05:14,480 There's a little bit maybe of that, 95 00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:18,960 and I think just like you not liking to plan, 96 00:05:19,030 --> 00:05:20,760 play and then experiencing it yet mm-hmm. 97 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,080 and realizing the value of it, you had to learn it. 98 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:26,480 I think you would still have to learn this is not a, uh, 99 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:31,520 a planned scene. This is just, I'm, it's just open time for whatever happens. 100 00:05:31,620 --> 00:05:35,400 And yes, I know that a scene might happen and probably will. Right. 101 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,233 That's the point. 102 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:40,120 Anything you can do to distance yourself from the actual planning of it until 103 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,680 you're in the moment. But you, if, if, if, 104 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:46,160 for people who do not have the time for spontaneous. 105 00:05:46,260 --> 00:05:48,880 And I understand what you're saying, you've gotta plan the time, 106 00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:50,320 but not the moment. Yes. 107 00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:54,320 That's, thank you. You, thankfully you do concise better than I do. . 108 00:05:55,020 --> 00:05:58,120 Now, I did have a thought, and I don't have any expertise on this. Mm-hmm. 109 00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:01,200 , I'm gonna throw this idea out there for this person. Okay. 110 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:06,080 And anybody else who may relate as something to go research for yourself and see 111 00:06:06,790 --> 00:06:10,200 what experts say about this and what your options might be. 112 00:06:10,740 --> 00:06:15,360 But while I was reading the question of they don't like anything to feel 113 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:18,560 forced mm-hmm. , even when they're the ones like planning it. 114 00:06:18,650 --> 00:06:20,160 Right. Uh, 115 00:06:20,220 --> 00:06:23,840 the thing that came to mind was something called demand avoidance. 116 00:06:24,220 --> 00:06:28,400 Now the official term is called pathological demand avoidance. Mm-hmm. 117 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,800 . That is something that occurs in neurodivergent. People, 118 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:34,480 typically people with autism or a d h adhd. Ah, 119 00:06:34,730 --> 00:06:37,600 where if they are told to do something. 120 00:06:37,830 --> 00:06:40,840 They're gonna dig their heels in more and not want to do it. 121 00:06:40,950 --> 00:06:43,160 Even if it's something that they wanna do. They, 122 00:06:43,390 --> 00:06:46,320 they don't immediately don't want to do it. Right. Yeah. 123 00:06:46,780 --> 00:06:49,160 And I am not saying that this is what this person has, 124 00:06:49,220 --> 00:06:53,400 but that idea of this is a thing I wanna do and I definitely wanna do it, 125 00:06:53,820 --> 00:06:58,200 but something about the planning makes me feel forced and now I don't wanna do 126 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,080 it. That was, that's, I'm throwing it out there. Mm-hmm. , 127 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:04,200 I don't know if you're a neurodivergent or not, that's none of my business. 128 00:07:04,420 --> 00:07:06,960 But if that resonates in any way, 129 00:07:07,850 --> 00:07:11,200 might be worth a Google to learn what it is, 130 00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:14,040 and if there are any tips, tricks, 131 00:07:14,580 --> 00:07:18,720 coping skills that can help navigate, I would say mm-hmm. , 132 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:23,280 even if you are not neurodivergent and would not have, you know, be, 133 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,320 I don't know if it's a diagnosis that you can get, again, I'm not an expert, 134 00:07:26,420 --> 00:07:28,000 but if that would not be, uh, 135 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:32,760 a thing you could like say that you have like pathological demand avoidance, 136 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,280 I would say even if you relate to what that is a little bit. 137 00:07:36,820 --> 00:07:39,400 And there are coping strategies out there, 138 00:07:39,990 --> 00:07:43,480 like neurotypical people can absolutely benefit from the things that help neuro 139 00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:48,400 divergent people as well. So if it resonates, just do a Google, 140 00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:52,560 see if whatever's out there can help in that. I, 141 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:57,520 I put it out there because it's something that I've spent time learning 'cause 142 00:07:57,580 --> 00:08:00,760 of our neuro, the neurodivergency of our kids, and yes, 143 00:08:00,870 --> 00:08:03,400 they are those people that you're like mm-hmm. do the thing. 144 00:08:03,420 --> 00:08:05,840 And they're like, now I never want to do the thing again. Yeah. 145 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:09,480 And so I've had to learn a little bit about that to try and navigate that as a. 146 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,800 Parent. And I've, I've learned that too, dealing with, with the youngest, 147 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,880 because, you know, it used to be, it's like, 148 00:08:15,580 --> 00:08:19,040 you need to get your laundry started. Right. You know, and now it's like, 149 00:08:19,370 --> 00:08:22,400 don't forget at some point to do your laundry. There's so. 150 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,240 Rewording of it. So it's like, I'm not telling you what to do, 151 00:08:25,420 --> 00:08:29,760 but I'm telling you, I'm just reminding you that it's a thing. Right. Right. So, 152 00:08:29,860 --> 00:08:32,800 and maybe the, the scheduling time that, you know, 153 00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:37,360 is just open time for the scene to happen and letting the scene itself be 154 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,920 spontaneous, if that works, go for it. If that still doesn't resonate. 155 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,360 But the demand avoidance thing does just, 156 00:08:43,540 --> 00:08:47,160 I'm just throwing it out there as a thing that I know enough about to be 157 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:50,240 dangerous. So can't, can't call myself an expert, but it might be a thing. 158 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:51,060 Mm-hmm. . 159 00:08:51,060 --> 00:08:55,840 Now the other part of the question was about the 160 00:08:55,840 --> 00:09:00,520 sexual tension stopping them from, um, engaging in play. 161 00:09:00,570 --> 00:09:04,520 Right. And I wonder if that goes back to a little bit of not feeling forced. 162 00:09:04,740 --> 00:09:06,320 I'm not saying that in a non-consensual way, 163 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:10,000 but feeling like there's an expectation of, oh, now I'm aroused, 164 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,080 my partner's aroused. We have to. 165 00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:13,920 Do something 'cause X now y Right. 166 00:09:14,070 --> 00:09:18,320 Exactly. And so that, that's the second part of this question. Mm-hmm. 167 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:23,320 is very interesting to me. I would not at all say that I have any, 168 00:09:23,350 --> 00:09:25,960 like, easy answers that come to mind. I do have a thought, 169 00:09:26,020 --> 00:09:27,760 but what are your thoughts on that part? 170 00:09:28,340 --> 00:09:29,600 See, I don't know. I, I'm, 171 00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:34,240 I'm maybe a little different because in that aspect, 172 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:38,200 because while there are many times that we play mm-hmm. 173 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:41,080 and my body reacts to the play and. 174 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,200 My body reacts to the. 175 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:46,120 Play. Yeah. You know, I'm like, no, this is not the time for this, you know, 176 00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:46,960 we're, this. 177 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,080 Isn't the direction you want that scene. 178 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:50,800 To go in. This is not the direction I wanted to go. And I, and it, 179 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,520 I just don't do it. 180 00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:54,320 Right. Just sort of stop yourself and. 181 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:58,560 Go Okay. You know, I mean, even times when we have played at the clubs mm-hmm. 182 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:01,400 here in Florida, you know, you can play at the clubs, 183 00:10:02,140 --> 00:10:05,360 but sexual contact of any kind is not allowed because of the, 184 00:10:05,420 --> 00:10:08,240 the laws in Florida. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like. 185 00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:10,760 No penetration, no getting anything wet. Yeah. No. Like. 186 00:10:11,380 --> 00:10:14,560 Not allowed, you know, especially when we played at the club, 187 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:18,160 because our play can be so intense when we're there, you know? Yeah. 188 00:10:18,380 --> 00:10:22,320 Body's like, oh yeah, , but you know, I, 189 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:23,760 I can't do anything with it. 190 00:10:24,130 --> 00:10:26,760 Right. And that point, you're just not even allowed, allowed to. Yeah. 191 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:31,570 So that's almost like public play has helped you in reinforce 192 00:10:31,710 --> 00:10:33,490 the skill of just 'cause, 193 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,330 just 'cause there's a boner doesn't mean I have to do anything about it. 194 00:10:36,330 --> 00:10:40,250 Right. Right. And I mean, there, there are times, you know, let's face it, 195 00:10:40,550 --> 00:10:45,010 our lives are so busy, you know, there are times when, you know, 196 00:10:45,020 --> 00:10:48,730 there is just enough time to sneak in a a, a spanking. 197 00:10:49,220 --> 00:10:49,570 Right. 198 00:10:49,570 --> 00:10:50,650 There wouldn't be time for, 199 00:10:50,950 --> 00:10:54,130 and and there is no time for anything else beyond that, you know? Right. 200 00:10:54,310 --> 00:10:59,010 And, and that is another thing for us that has worked to, you know, 201 00:10:59,050 --> 00:11:03,370 I know early days, um, as a submissive, I, 202 00:11:03,990 --> 00:11:08,130 for me, kin and sex were intertwined. Mm-hmm. , irrevocably, 203 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:11,570 like if, if we were getting kinky, we were getting sexy times and it was, uh, 204 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:15,610 they went together. Yeah. Even though eventually as I learned more, 205 00:11:15,690 --> 00:11:17,450 I understood that they don't have to, 206 00:11:17,620 --> 00:11:21,690 right now I've had enough experience where yeah, it's kind of a choice. 207 00:11:21,870 --> 00:11:25,970 Are we getting kinky or are we having sex mm-hmm. . Um, that, 208 00:11:26,190 --> 00:11:30,010 that's a very easy disconnect for my brain to go, okay, yeah. We got kinky. 209 00:11:30,010 --> 00:11:31,330 Doesn't, doesn't automatically, 210 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,930 doesn't matter how erotic the moment might have been for either one of us or 211 00:11:34,980 --> 00:11:37,530 Right. You know, our arousal level mm-hmm. , 212 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,210 this is what we're doing. And, and that's fine. 213 00:11:39,390 --> 00:11:43,690 But that was a thing I had to experience often enough that it's just, 214 00:11:45,050 --> 00:11:49,290 I often don't even, I'm surprised when there's sex in a scene towards mm-hmm. 215 00:11:49,330 --> 00:11:51,890 usually towards the end of a scene. Because that's typically, 216 00:11:51,890 --> 00:11:54,120 those two things have recently, over the past few years, 217 00:11:54,190 --> 00:11:55,760 have been kept separate, been kept separate. Yeah. 218 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,920 'cause we've got enough experience of them being separate that they're, 219 00:11:59,060 --> 00:12:01,160 in my mind, they're just separate things now. 220 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:01,580 Yeah. I mean. 221 00:12:01,580 --> 00:12:02,720 But that takes time. 222 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:07,080 I mean, for me, and it's been a long time that I've, I've held this, 223 00:12:07,390 --> 00:12:09,280 this train of thought, you know, 224 00:12:09,430 --> 00:12:13,920 just because my body becomes aroused does not mean 225 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:16,080 I need to act on it. Right. 226 00:12:16,690 --> 00:12:17,310 Right. 227 00:12:17,310 --> 00:12:21,800 Okay. You know, um, it's, it's a physical reaction, 228 00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:26,810 but it does not mean that, you know, I have to, 229 00:12:27,450 --> 00:12:32,090 I saying I may be aroused, you're not. Right. You know, that's true. I'm, 230 00:12:32,110 --> 00:12:36,970 I'm not going to make you just because I am. Right. Okay. 231 00:12:37,230 --> 00:12:37,750 You know. 232 00:12:37,750 --> 00:12:41,970 And we say that as people who engage in free use kind of play. Right. Like, 233 00:12:41,990 --> 00:12:43,490 we have that as part of our dynamic, 234 00:12:43,870 --> 00:12:48,370 but that is still with the understanding that if I'm nowhere near that moment, 235 00:12:48,790 --> 00:12:51,650 you will not necessarily Right. Do anything about it. Mm-hmm. . 236 00:12:52,110 --> 00:12:54,450 And that's the thing that comes to my mind though. And I, 237 00:12:54,590 --> 00:12:59,050 and maybe it's a time and experience thing and maybe it's a mindset thing. 238 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:04,690 Reading the question, my thought was, okay, so what, what makes you feel 239 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,690 that you have to act on sexual arousal? 240 00:13:08,790 --> 00:13:11,370 If the sexual arousal exists in the moment, 241 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:16,330 what is it past experience? Uh, you know, 242 00:13:16,510 --> 00:13:19,530 the way we're socialized in our cultures, you know mm-hmm. , 243 00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:23,530 what is it? My, my recommendation would be to look within and go, 244 00:13:23,530 --> 00:13:27,250 what is it that makes me feel like I gotta do something and can't just ignore 245 00:13:27,250 --> 00:13:29,930 the boner? And it could be just that there, 246 00:13:30,670 --> 00:13:33,250 you might be a person who's sort of the things you've been around, 247 00:13:33,250 --> 00:13:35,650 the things you've seen, the media you've consumed, whatever, 248 00:13:35,850 --> 00:13:40,450 whatever has taught you that see boner, fix boner, 249 00:13:40,470 --> 00:13:43,610 you know what I mean? Like, once you get aroused, you do something about that. 250 00:13:44,110 --> 00:13:48,810 And that might be a bit of introspection to do your own 251 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:53,050 mindset shift, um, of, you know, 252 00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:57,290 figuring out and coming to terms with, and going through the experience of, 253 00:13:58,110 --> 00:14:01,050 I'm ignoring the arousal 'cause that's not actually what we're here to do. 254 00:14:01,630 --> 00:14:05,410 And I think that might be one of those things where you have to 255 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:10,450 fulfill that. Like go through the ignore the bone moment. Mm-hmm. 256 00:14:10,490 --> 00:14:14,250 enough times that that starts to feel 257 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,490 more normal. Air quote that, um, 258 00:14:18,390 --> 00:14:20,930 so that you can make that connection in your head. Like, 259 00:14:21,230 --> 00:14:23,930 if all of your experiences tell you, 260 00:14:24,550 --> 00:14:29,090 see boner do something about the boner, then you have, um, 261 00:14:29,430 --> 00:14:33,170 taught yourself, you've made those neural connections of that's what you do, 262 00:14:33,670 --> 00:14:36,810 and you're, it's like a new habit to create for yourself. 263 00:14:37,470 --> 00:14:38,530 And then I go back to that, 264 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:42,770 that forced feeling that is mentioned a couple times in this question 265 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:47,820 of, okay, where does that feeling come from? Is that part of Neurodivergency? 266 00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,180 Is that part of something else? Mm-hmm. , 267 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:53,520 are there coping mechanisms out there that can help you 268 00:14:54,610 --> 00:14:58,000 shift that part of the mindset as well? Yeah. Yeah. 269 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,760 I don't think this is a cut and dried kind of situation. No. There's no, 270 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,520 here's this checklist. Follow this, it'll fix everything for you. Mm-hmm. 271 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:06,040 , that's just, that's not how life works, y'all. Right. . 272 00:15:06,180 --> 00:15:07,520 It would be nice if. 273 00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:12,200 We could create those checklists for Sters. We'd be rich , just, 274 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,400 they don't work that way. Mm-hmm. , 275 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,320 it's all trial and error and Yeah. 276 00:15:15,570 --> 00:15:19,280 Start with what feels right to you based on mm-hmm. , 277 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,920 anything we've said or anything other people may be advised. Yeah. 278 00:15:22,060 --> 00:15:23,680 And go down that path first, first try. I mean, you're. 279 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,840 Gonna to try, you're gonna have to try several different things mm-hmm. 280 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,320 , um, to find what works for. 281 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:33,360 You. Absolutely. So to recap on the first question about play, 282 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,720 schedule the time, not the scene. Mm-hmm. , 283 00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:41,880 let the scene be spontaneous, but book the time, block it off. So, you know, 284 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:46,120 that's our time. Try that. If that works for you. On the sex thing, 285 00:15:46,270 --> 00:15:51,200 part of it is just feel uncomfortable ignoring the 286 00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:55,640 boner to have the experience of ignoring the boner. Uh, 287 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:58,120 I feel like I need to put that on a shirt now. Ignore the boner. 288 00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,000 . 289 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,920 . I like that. I really do. 290 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:04,440 I think that's a very concise way I was saying, saying it. Um, 291 00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:10,120 and then maybe if it speaks to you think about why you 292 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:14,120 think you're supposed to respond to the sexual arousal, even when you're, 293 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:17,840 that's not what you want to do. If that's what you want to do and, you know, 294 00:16:18,050 --> 00:16:20,520 consenting partners and all that, definitely go for it. 295 00:16:20,820 --> 00:16:23,800 But if there's something that's making you feel like you have to, 296 00:16:24,710 --> 00:16:26,560 that is probably worthy is some introspection, 297 00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:31,720 and then if the whole idea of demand avoidance speaks to you in any way 298 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,240 mm-hmm. , I'm just gonna say give it a Google. That's, 299 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,760 that's the only thing I could say about that. Mm-hmm. . 300 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,680 And see what you can learn and how that resonates with you. 301 00:16:38,780 --> 00:16:41,040 Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. 302 00:16:41,180 --> 00:16:43,000 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 303 00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:46,200 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, 304 00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:49,120 or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always, 305 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:50,880 to our kinky community over on Patreon, 306 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:54,800 we're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help Sters due to your 307 00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:55,500 support. 308 00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:58,840 If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a 309 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,320 Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice Ks, you can do that. 310 00:17:02,510 --> 00:17:05,040 Just join us at patreon.com/kloss. 311 00:17:05,060 --> 00:17:09,080 That's patreon.com/klos, or use the link in the show notes.