You are listening to the Loving B D S M podcast, kil Lord's Here. We're the one,
the only, the, are you caffeinated enough yet? John Brownstone? Yes.
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. Mm-hmm. . Okay. . That has.
Nothing here so much for that.
What we're talking about, uh, this week,
this week we're answering a two-part question on how to get more kinky play in
without having to necessarily plan every detail.
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Right. Okay. Let's get into the question. Okay, here we go. Mm-hmm.
, how do you make space for B DSM play?
Me and my sub have a 24 7 service-oriented DSS relationship. Mm-hmm.
We like several more play-based B D S M activities,
but we don't do them as often as we want. I feel easily forced when we plan,
play, even if I plan it myself.
But spontaneous play also doesn't seem to happen as often as we want.
There's also the factor of sexual tension that stops me from doing play.
I don't want it to end up with sex all the time,
but I feel very forced that way when bon are present. ,
I don't really know how to get away from this connection in my head,
even though my sub just says to ignore the boner. I'll be honest,
that would've been my first piece of advice.
And mine too, I hate to say, but if that doesn't work, it doesn't work. ,
you know, um, that's just a physical reaction. Right. You know,
it does not always,
and does not always mean you have to act upon that physical reaction. Right.
So, but let's start with the first part of the question. Mm-hmm. ,
which don't like to plan it, it makes 'em feel, but spontaneous.
Isn't, doesn't happen all the time either. Right. So what are your thoughts? Um,
I mean, um, kind of gonna say it, but you know,
you may have to, if, if spontaneous is not happening the way,
as the way you want it to, and as much as you want it to, um,
you may kind of have to bite the bullet on the planning. You know,
when we first got to a point in our relationship that we kind of had to plan,
I didn't like it either. Mm.
I didn't know that.
I, I was not very fond of it either, but when I realized, when I,
I got to the point that I realized, you know,
hey, this is allowing us to have some playtime. Right.
You know, I, I kind of got over that mm-hmm.
and I started looking as at it as something to anticipate and
something to look forward to.
Right. Was,
but that was after you had gone through that discomfort of I don't like this.
Right. But I'm doing it anyway. Mm-hmm. ,
and then you had the experience of, okay, I like this.
And then you started looking forward to it. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm.
. Gotcha, gotcha.
Yeah, because kind of, I mean, really it was,
it was sort of the same thing for us, you know,
in the beginning things were very spontaneous with us mm-hmm. .
Well, yes and no. Mm-hmm. ,
they were spontaneous in that when we were together,
like anything that we talked about just could happen. Right.
But we had planned the fact that we would be together at all.
So then that allowed for the spontaneity.
And that is actually where my mind went when I read this question initially
mm-hmm. , which is instead of planning the scene, and it,
you feeling forced in that moment, and I have a thought specifically to that.
Okay. But I'll get to that in a second. But instead of planning the scene,
can you just schedule the time when, you know, something could happen?
It's mm-hmm. time in your week, your month,
whatever your sort of schedule works out that, you know, something could happen,
but you don't know what it is until you get there. Mm-hmm.
so that the, what you do.
Even if you.
Is more.
Spontaneous, if you, and that that's a good point. I I like that. I mean,
even if you schedule it as open time.
Right. You know, you'll come together mm-hmm. For something. Right.
But that something gets to be decided in the moment, uh,
or however your spontaneous play usually kind of gets decided mm-hmm.
,
that way you're not choreographing a scene and you don't feel like you then have
to maybe follow a script or do something that doesn't feel organic,
but you've set the,
the time aside and you know that whatever happens will happen. And it's a,
it's a little bit of a mindfuck and it's not always easy to mindfuck yourself.
Um, I am easily mindfuck by others,
but my logical brain will try to kick in and go, but yeah.
But you know what this is, so there's a little bit of suspension of disbelief,
almost like when you read fiction, you kind have to go, mm-hmm. Sure.
My logical brain could analyze this to death, but we're just gonna go with this.
There's a little bit maybe of that,
and I think just like you not liking to plan,
play and then experiencing it yet mm-hmm.
and realizing the value of it, you had to learn it.
I think you would still have to learn this is not a, uh,
a planned scene. This is just, I'm, it's just open time for whatever happens.
And yes, I know that a scene might happen and probably will. Right.
That's the point.
Anything you can do to distance yourself from the actual planning of it until
you're in the moment. But you, if, if, if,
for people who do not have the time for spontaneous.
And I understand what you're saying, you've gotta plan the time,
but not the moment. Yes.
That's, thank you. You, thankfully you do concise better than I do. .
Now, I did have a thought, and I don't have any expertise on this. Mm-hmm.
, I'm gonna throw this idea out there for this person. Okay.
And anybody else who may relate as something to go research for yourself and see
what experts say about this and what your options might be.
But while I was reading the question of they don't like anything to feel
forced mm-hmm. , even when they're the ones like planning it.
Right. Uh,
the thing that came to mind was something called demand avoidance.
Now the official term is called pathological demand avoidance. Mm-hmm.
. That is something that occurs in neurodivergent. People,
typically people with autism or a d h adhd. Ah,
where if they are told to do something.
They're gonna dig their heels in more and not want to do it.
Even if it's something that they wanna do. They,
they don't immediately don't want to do it. Right. Yeah.
And I am not saying that this is what this person has,
but that idea of this is a thing I wanna do and I definitely wanna do it,
but something about the planning makes me feel forced and now I don't wanna do
it. That was, that's, I'm throwing it out there. Mm-hmm. ,
I don't know if you're a neurodivergent or not, that's none of my business.
But if that resonates in any way,
might be worth a Google to learn what it is,
and if there are any tips, tricks,
coping skills that can help navigate, I would say mm-hmm. ,
even if you are not neurodivergent and would not have, you know, be,
I don't know if it's a diagnosis that you can get, again, I'm not an expert,
but if that would not be, uh,
a thing you could like say that you have like pathological demand avoidance,
I would say even if you relate to what that is a little bit.
And there are coping strategies out there,
like neurotypical people can absolutely benefit from the things that help neuro
divergent people as well. So if it resonates, just do a Google,
see if whatever's out there can help in that. I,
I put it out there because it's something that I've spent time learning 'cause
of our neuro, the neurodivergency of our kids, and yes,
they are those people that you're like mm-hmm. do the thing.
And they're like, now I never want to do the thing again. Yeah.
And so I've had to learn a little bit about that to try and navigate that as a.
Parent. And I've, I've learned that too, dealing with, with the youngest,
because, you know, it used to be, it's like,
you need to get your laundry started. Right. You know, and now it's like,
don't forget at some point to do your laundry. There's so.
Rewording of it. So it's like, I'm not telling you what to do,
but I'm telling you, I'm just reminding you that it's a thing. Right. Right. So,
and maybe the, the scheduling time that, you know,
is just open time for the scene to happen and letting the scene itself be
spontaneous, if that works, go for it. If that still doesn't resonate.
But the demand avoidance thing does just,
I'm just throwing it out there as a thing that I know enough about to be
dangerous. So can't, can't call myself an expert, but it might be a thing.
Mm-hmm. .
Now the other part of the question was about the
sexual tension stopping them from, um, engaging in play.
Right. And I wonder if that goes back to a little bit of not feeling forced.
I'm not saying that in a non-consensual way,
but feeling like there's an expectation of, oh, now I'm aroused,
my partner's aroused. We have to.
Do something 'cause X now y Right.
Exactly. And so that, that's the second part of this question. Mm-hmm.
is very interesting to me. I would not at all say that I have any,
like, easy answers that come to mind. I do have a thought,
but what are your thoughts on that part?
See, I don't know. I, I'm,
I'm maybe a little different because in that aspect,
because while there are many times that we play mm-hmm.
and my body reacts to the play and.
My body reacts to the.
Play. Yeah. You know, I'm like, no, this is not the time for this, you know,
we're, this.
Isn't the direction you want that scene.
To go in. This is not the direction I wanted to go. And I, and it,
I just don't do it.
Right. Just sort of stop yourself and.
Go Okay. You know, I mean, even times when we have played at the clubs mm-hmm.
here in Florida, you know, you can play at the clubs,
but sexual contact of any kind is not allowed because of the,
the laws in Florida. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like.
No penetration, no getting anything wet. Yeah. No. Like.
Not allowed, you know, especially when we played at the club,
because our play can be so intense when we're there, you know? Yeah.
Body's like, oh yeah, , but you know, I,
I can't do anything with it.
Right. And that point, you're just not even allowed, allowed to. Yeah.
So that's almost like public play has helped you in reinforce
the skill of just 'cause,
just 'cause there's a boner doesn't mean I have to do anything about it.
Right. Right. And I mean, there, there are times, you know, let's face it,
our lives are so busy, you know, there are times when, you know,
there is just enough time to sneak in a a, a spanking.
Right.
There wouldn't be time for,
and and there is no time for anything else beyond that, you know? Right.
And, and that is another thing for us that has worked to, you know,
I know early days, um, as a submissive, I,
for me, kin and sex were intertwined. Mm-hmm. , irrevocably,
like if, if we were getting kinky, we were getting sexy times and it was, uh,
they went together. Yeah. Even though eventually as I learned more,
I understood that they don't have to,
right now I've had enough experience where yeah, it's kind of a choice.
Are we getting kinky or are we having sex mm-hmm. . Um, that,
that's a very easy disconnect for my brain to go, okay, yeah. We got kinky.
Doesn't, doesn't automatically,
doesn't matter how erotic the moment might have been for either one of us or
Right. You know, our arousal level mm-hmm. ,
this is what we're doing. And, and that's fine.
But that was a thing I had to experience often enough that it's just,
I often don't even, I'm surprised when there's sex in a scene towards mm-hmm.
usually towards the end of a scene. Because that's typically,
those two things have recently, over the past few years,
have been kept separate, been kept separate. Yeah.
'cause we've got enough experience of them being separate that they're,
in my mind, they're just separate things now.
Yeah. I mean.
But that takes time.
I mean, for me, and it's been a long time that I've, I've held this,
this train of thought, you know,
just because my body becomes aroused does not mean
I need to act on it. Right.
Right.
Okay. You know, um, it's, it's a physical reaction,
but it does not mean that, you know, I have to,
I saying I may be aroused, you're not. Right. You know, that's true. I'm,
I'm not going to make you just because I am. Right. Okay.
You know.
And we say that as people who engage in free use kind of play. Right. Like,
we have that as part of our dynamic,
but that is still with the understanding that if I'm nowhere near that moment,
you will not necessarily Right. Do anything about it. Mm-hmm. .
And that's the thing that comes to my mind though. And I,
and maybe it's a time and experience thing and maybe it's a mindset thing.
Reading the question, my thought was, okay, so what, what makes you feel
that you have to act on sexual arousal?
If the sexual arousal exists in the moment,
what is it past experience? Uh, you know,
the way we're socialized in our cultures, you know mm-hmm. ,
what is it? My, my recommendation would be to look within and go,
what is it that makes me feel like I gotta do something and can't just ignore
the boner? And it could be just that there,
you might be a person who's sort of the things you've been around,
the things you've seen, the media you've consumed, whatever,
whatever has taught you that see boner, fix boner,
you know what I mean? Like, once you get aroused, you do something about that.
And that might be a bit of introspection to do your own
mindset shift, um, of, you know,
figuring out and coming to terms with, and going through the experience of,
I'm ignoring the arousal 'cause that's not actually what we're here to do.
And I think that might be one of those things where you have to
fulfill that. Like go through the ignore the bone moment. Mm-hmm.
enough times that that starts to feel
more normal. Air quote that, um,
so that you can make that connection in your head. Like,
if all of your experiences tell you,
see boner do something about the boner, then you have, um,
taught yourself, you've made those neural connections of that's what you do,
and you're, it's like a new habit to create for yourself.
And then I go back to that,
that forced feeling that is mentioned a couple times in this question
of, okay, where does that feeling come from? Is that part of Neurodivergency?
Is that part of something else? Mm-hmm. ,
are there coping mechanisms out there that can help you
shift that part of the mindset as well? Yeah. Yeah.
I don't think this is a cut and dried kind of situation. No. There's no,
here's this checklist. Follow this, it'll fix everything for you. Mm-hmm.
, that's just, that's not how life works, y'all. Right. .
It would be nice if.
We could create those checklists for Sters. We'd be rich , just,
they don't work that way. Mm-hmm. ,
it's all trial and error and Yeah.
Start with what feels right to you based on mm-hmm. ,
anything we've said or anything other people may be advised. Yeah.
And go down that path first, first try. I mean, you're.
Gonna to try, you're gonna have to try several different things mm-hmm.
, um, to find what works for.
You. Absolutely. So to recap on the first question about play,
schedule the time, not the scene. Mm-hmm. ,
let the scene be spontaneous, but book the time, block it off. So, you know,
that's our time. Try that. If that works for you. On the sex thing,
part of it is just feel uncomfortable ignoring the
boner to have the experience of ignoring the boner. Uh,
I feel like I need to put that on a shirt now. Ignore the boner.
.
. I like that. I really do.
I think that's a very concise way I was saying, saying it. Um,
and then maybe if it speaks to you think about why you
think you're supposed to respond to the sexual arousal, even when you're,
that's not what you want to do. If that's what you want to do and, you know,
consenting partners and all that, definitely go for it.
But if there's something that's making you feel like you have to,
that is probably worthy is some introspection,
and then if the whole idea of demand avoidance speaks to you in any way
mm-hmm. , I'm just gonna say give it a Google. That's,
that's the only thing I could say about that. Mm-hmm. .
And see what you can learn and how that resonates with you.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode.
If you want us to answer one of your questions,
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