1 00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:13,400 You are listening to the Loving B D Ss M podcast, episode three 70. 2 00:00:13,650 --> 00:00:17,240 Kayla Lorde's here with the one, the only, the, uh, 3 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,920 . . I can't say that. . No. The podcast. 4 00:00:21,990 --> 00:00:23,640 Checklist. No. We'll get banned. 5 00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:25,333 Not the podcast. 6 00:00:25,510 --> 00:00:26,343 Well, true. 7 00:00:27,340 --> 00:00:30,880 But I'm not sure I should say that out loud. Anyway, it was a good morning. 8 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:33,880 Is what I gonna say. It was, it was a very good, very good start to the day. 9 00:00:34,900 --> 00:00:35,733 Abs. Damn. 10 00:00:37,610 --> 00:00:41,800 Let's just put it this way. We've lived and worked in this house for four years. 11 00:00:41,820 --> 00:00:44,160 Mm-hmm. about three and a half, whatever. Yeah. Uh, 12 00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:46,320 we finally christened the office. That's all I'm gonna say. That's. 13 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:47,153 True. Mm-hmm. . 14 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:52,120 . Anyway, that's not what this week's topic is about. . Uh, 15 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:56,320 this week we're talking about what we mean when we say power exchange 16 00:00:56,320 --> 00:01:00,720 relationships shouldn't be hard, but they do require effort and hard work. 17 00:01:00,740 --> 00:01:05,600 And we've said that in a lot of different ways across 369 episodes. 18 00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:07,640 So, let's actually talk about what we mean. 19 00:01:08,030 --> 00:01:11,080 Welcome to the Loving B D S M podcast. If this is your first time listening, 20 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:14,480 glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back Loving B D S M. 21 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,880 It's produced every Friday and now Monday for your kinky pleasure in education. 22 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:20,440 And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net. 23 00:01:20,750 --> 00:01:23,840 Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. 24 00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:26,880 You can also follow the show on Twitter slash x, 25 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:30,480 whatever they wanna be called today at Loving BDSM on Fat Life, 26 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,440 at loving BDSM PC on Instagram, 27 00:01:33,700 --> 00:01:35,600 and technically threads at that handle. 28 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:38,800 I will forever fucking hate loving DSS on the number one. 29 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:43,760 So it's at Loving DSS one, or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving bdsm, 30 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:46,200 where you can watch us live. Stream the podcast every Wednesday. 31 00:01:46,660 --> 00:01:48,800 All links are in the show notes. A big thanks as always, 32 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:52,320 to our Kinky Pats over on Patreon, including our newest peeps. Uh, 33 00:01:52,700 --> 00:01:56,840 the reason we can be these weirdos on the internet is in large part due to our 34 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:58,360 kinky community on Patreon. 35 00:01:58,360 --> 00:01:59,193 That's true. Very true. 36 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:01,920 And we are grateful for every fucking one of you. We are. 37 00:02:02,260 --> 00:02:05,720 If you'd like to join our kinky community and get access to extra content and a 38 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,920 Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice sters, you can do that. 39 00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:12,320 Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords, 40 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:16,880 that's patreon.com/kayla lords, or use the link in the show notes. 41 00:02:17,620 --> 00:02:20,800 And yes, I'll keep talking even when you really need me to stop talking, 42 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:22,280 , I can't help it. 43 00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:23,840 No, I know you can't help yourself. 44 00:02:24,030 --> 00:02:28,680 Also, it's your fault. You did it to me today. You put me in a good mood. 45 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,800 I don't know what to tell you. You started it. You're right. I did. . 46 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:35,800 You're right. I did. I have no regrets, but you're right. I did. Mm-hmm. 47 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:38,080 . Mm-hmm. . Okay. The first thing, uh, 48 00:02:38,750 --> 00:02:42,960 that I'm gonna say is that next week, actually, 49 00:02:43,340 --> 00:02:47,360 Sunday, October 22nd, the Kry JB shop, our shop, 50 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:51,200 where I'm a shop elf, uh, it's gonna have a sale. Uh, 51 00:02:51,420 --> 00:02:55,200 but we won't be able to tell you about that until the middle of next week, um, 52 00:02:55,270 --> 00:02:59,000 because of the schedule we have. So I'm letting you know now that there's, 53 00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:00,980 there's a sale coming up, and if you're like, Ooh, 54 00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:04,440 I would like to buy Kinky Fucky toys at a slightly discounted price, uh, 55 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:06,640 you could subscribe to our newsletter. You'll one, 56 00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:08,760 get a 10% off coupon when you do that. 57 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:12,360 But also you'll get notification about the sale when it happens. Mm-hmm. 58 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:15,680 . And actually, with our email list, uh, they get perks, 59 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,280 like knowing about a sale sometimes, like, technically the day before, 60 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:22,320 I'll be like, go ahead and use the coupon code now. , , because I, 61 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:25,280 I don't like, I'm not good with secrets. I want to tell you the good stuff. 62 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:29,000 I don't wanna hold it in , um, . So yes, 63 00:03:29,180 --> 00:03:32,000 if you have been thinking about shopping, uh, at the Kry, 64 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,920 or you wanna shop again and you wanna know about the sales, 65 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:39,840 subscribe to the newsletter. We do not spam, we don't email often enough, 66 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:44,800 quite frankly. once or twice a month is about it. Uh, we should do more, 67 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:45,760 but we don't. Uh, 68 00:03:45,860 --> 00:03:50,400 the other thing is that we are going live for our monthly 69 00:03:50,580 --> 00:03:54,880 Friday night live stream thing we do on YouTube, uh, this Friday, 70 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,680 October 20th. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, it's coming up. . 71 00:03:57,940 --> 00:04:00,240 We have a lot of stuff going on over the next few weeks, , 72 00:04:01,580 --> 00:04:05,960 and that's at 9:30 PM Eastern. Uh, assuming, uh, 73 00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:08,760 mental and physical health is going well, and there's no, like, 74 00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:14,080 craziness going on. We stay till about midnight our time. Every once in a while, 75 00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:18,160 uh, I get distracted and I'm, we're there a little bit longer, but not always. 76 00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:21,920 Um, so yeah, that is a part q and a part. 77 00:04:22,020 --> 00:04:25,600 We just sitting around hanging out bullshit and talking about whatever. Uh, 78 00:04:25,670 --> 00:04:27,560 typically it goes back to food, 79 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:32,040 beverage and whatever geeky, nerdy things we're into, 80 00:04:32,220 --> 00:04:35,160 and we as like the collective group, that's what we end up talking about. 81 00:04:35,220 --> 00:04:40,040 One never knows one, never fucking knows. Um, okay. So, 82 00:04:41,260 --> 00:04:45,160 um, that is all I have for the announcements. Okay. 83 00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:50,120 So we'll get into the actual topic where we're gonna try to 84 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:54,720 parse out what, how we view the idea that, 85 00:04:55,150 --> 00:04:59,640 that we reject that relationships, power exchange or otherwise are hard. Right? 86 00:04:59,660 --> 00:05:02,920 That's a co I mean, I hear that, I've heard that almost my whole life. 87 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:07,160 Somebody will say, oh, well, relationships are hard. Relationships are hard. 88 00:05:07,180 --> 00:05:09,520 And I absolutely internalize that. 89 00:05:09,820 --> 00:05:13,640 That's probably why I stayed in a bad relationship for 12 years, , 90 00:05:13,670 --> 00:05:16,400 because I was like, oh, well, if relationships are hard, 91 00:05:16,500 --> 00:05:20,600 as the whole world has told me, and this is definitely hard as fuck, 92 00:05:21,430 --> 00:05:23,680 clearly I'm doing something right. 'cause that's how relationships go. 93 00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:29,080 But as you and I have said to one another and to y'all over the 94 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:31,520 years, what we've learned, I think probably together, 95 00:05:31,860 --> 00:05:33,600 but you might've figured it out before you met me. 96 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,800 Relationships aren't supposed to be hard, 97 00:05:36,460 --> 00:05:39,200 but they do require effort and hard work. Right. 98 00:05:39,260 --> 00:05:42,480 So we're gonna talk about big difference between the two. Yes. And, 99 00:05:42,780 --> 00:05:46,240 and if you haven't been in a relationship that's not hard, 100 00:05:46,630 --> 00:05:48,160 just requires you to put some effort in. 101 00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:50,280 You don't know the difference until you're in it. 102 00:05:50,340 --> 00:05:53,600 And it is night and fucking day. Mm-hmm. to the point that I'm, 103 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:54,640 I am would find, 104 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:58,600 I find it both stressful and laughable to think that a relationship would be 105 00:05:58,630 --> 00:06:01,440 hard again in the future. Like, I don't even have the tolerance for it. Mm-hmm. 106 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:05,920 , like, no, no, no. Do I need to work my ass off to do my part? 107 00:06:06,940 --> 00:06:11,520 Yes. And 90% of the time, I'm capable of and willing to do that. Right. 108 00:06:11,860 --> 00:06:16,560 Uh, but is it supposed to be excruciating? No. 109 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,320 . It's not supposed to be excruciating. 110 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:23,640 So we're gonna talk about how we view that these are, as always, 111 00:06:23,990 --> 00:06:27,840 like our perspectives. Please know, a couple things. One, 112 00:06:28,370 --> 00:06:30,040 we're talking about power exchange, but yes. 113 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,640 To the person who's gonna try and tell me later that this applies to all 114 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:36,560 relationships. We know it does, but we focus on power exchange here. 115 00:06:36,580 --> 00:06:39,520 So that's what we are gonna talk about. But yes, it's transferable. It, 116 00:06:39,590 --> 00:06:42,600 it's for every relationship type. Um, and two, 117 00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:47,720 this is how we see it and how we define hard or difficult and how we define 118 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:52,160 effort. And it is okay if the things we say, oh, this is hard, and not, 119 00:06:52,340 --> 00:06:55,880 not what we want and not worth it, differ from the things that you feel mm-hmm. 120 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,400 Are hard and not worth it. Okay. Just, 121 00:06:58,260 --> 00:07:00,400 and who am I trying to reach with this one? 122 00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:05,520 I think to a version of me out there that is slogging 123 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:08,760 through an excruciating relationship, 124 00:07:09,670 --> 00:07:12,160 because they've been told by everybody. 125 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:16,280 They know that relationships are hard and that is bullshit. And I just wanna, 126 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:20,320 somebody out there needs to hear it. And I'm, I'm, I want it to hear, 127 00:07:20,330 --> 00:07:21,600 we'll tell you it's bullshit. 128 00:07:21,610 --> 00:07:25,440 Let's talk about why through the lens of power exchange specifically. 129 00:07:26,470 --> 00:07:31,280 Okay. So have you had, I I'm gonna say yes. I think you have, 130 00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:35,800 have you had relationships prior to us, obviously that are just hard. 131 00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:37,190 Yes. 132 00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:41,320 Have you had power exchange relationships that even if you had to look back on 133 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:42,840 it, you would go, that was just hard? 134 00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:46,640 Not really. That's. 135 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,000 Good. That's good. That's. 136 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:49,833 Good. No, the 137 00:07:51,660 --> 00:07:55,960 the non kink relationships that I'd been in were hard. Mm-hmm. . 138 00:07:56,310 --> 00:08:00,200 Okay. Same. Um, it, it was a, 139 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,040 a struggle, a slog through mud. 140 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:07,800 . Yeah. And so you don't know usually till you're looking back at it. 141 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:11,480 Right. And you realize, oh wait, that's not how it's supposed to be. Mm-hmm. 142 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:14,760 , that doesn't have to be normal. Like, things get normalized. Yes. 143 00:08:14,820 --> 00:08:16,360 It doesn't make them okay. Mm-hmm. . 144 00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:18,680 And when you're in it and it's your day to day, 145 00:08:18,970 --> 00:08:22,320 especially if the people around you are in such similar situations, 146 00:08:22,780 --> 00:08:25,480 how do you know that there's something different or better out. 147 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:28,160 There? Yeah. You know, and I, I think a lot of it comes down to, and, 148 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:31,920 and I can say this for myself, um, it became 149 00:08:34,540 --> 00:08:35,600 almost like a comfort. 150 00:08:36,210 --> 00:08:37,280 Thing. 'cause it's the. 151 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:40,560 Thing, you know, because it's the thing, you know, and it's like, you know, 152 00:08:40,950 --> 00:08:41,370 yeah. 153 00:08:41,370 --> 00:08:45,400 There, there is something strong, powerful, and not always good about. Right. 154 00:08:45,460 --> 00:08:47,920 The, I'll take the devil I know mm-hmm. 155 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,920 as opposed to the uncertain future Right. 156 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:52,840 That I don't have any experience with. Yeah. 157 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:56,320 Yeah. So, you know, and, and that, 158 00:08:56,390 --> 00:09:00,680 that was something very difficult mm-hmm. to, 159 00:09:00,820 --> 00:09:01,920 to break away from. 160 00:09:02,340 --> 00:09:05,280 Oh, yeah. Uh, from my experience, and again, 161 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:09,600 I getting away from a hard relationship, 162 00:09:09,860 --> 00:09:14,520 the kind that was not good for me mm-hmm. , um, I had to hit a, 163 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,160 a breaking point. And I think most people do. 164 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:21,840 I think the vast majority of people can be advised by the people who love them 165 00:09:21,860 --> 00:09:24,880 and, and genuinely care about them. That, Hey, this is not good for you. Hey, 166 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,880 it doesn't have to be this way. You know, Hey, you, 167 00:09:27,940 --> 00:09:29,960 you're putting up with shit you shouldn't put up with. Like, 168 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,153 whatever that might be. Mm-hmm. , 169 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,800 I think many of us can't just hear that and go, oh, okay. 170 00:09:35,220 --> 00:09:39,880 We have to get to our own internal point of, okay, 171 00:09:39,940 --> 00:09:44,600 I'm done. I'm done. And the sad thing is some people never get there. Um, 172 00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:48,480 true. But many of us do. And in my vanilla life, I, 173 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:49,800 I remember it, 174 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:53,760 I remember the moment that whatever had tethered me to that person 175 00:09:54,990 --> 00:09:56,120 gone. Like the, 176 00:09:56,300 --> 00:10:01,160 it had been stretched so thin by how hard everything didn't 177 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:05,720 have to be. But was that once it snapped, you could have been dead to me. 178 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,360 . . Oh, hope you don't get hit by a truck. 179 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,760 'cause I'm not even going blink this. This is gonna be hard for you. Um, 180 00:10:12,380 --> 00:10:13,760 now in my kink life, 181 00:10:13,950 --> 00:10:17,960 I've only had one other power exchange prior to you, 182 00:10:18,740 --> 00:10:23,120 and it was so short-lived mm-hmm. that when that breakup occurred, 183 00:10:23,660 --> 00:10:25,840 you know, I could look back and go, yeah. Uh, there was some, 184 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:27,520 some frenzy going on for me, 185 00:10:27,970 --> 00:10:30,960 thankfully not to the point where I put myself in harm's way. Yeah. 186 00:10:31,060 --> 00:10:35,400 But to the point that I ignored some of my own internal voices that were like. 187 00:10:36,380 --> 00:10:37,213 Hmm. 188 00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:40,760 Is this, is this exactly what you want? I was like, not even, 189 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,880 I was ignoring all of that. Right. 'cause it felt so good. 190 00:10:43,420 --> 00:10:47,560 And when it was good between me and that person, it was amazing. Um, 191 00:10:48,340 --> 00:10:51,680 but what I know now, and we've talked about this in different ways, 192 00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,480 like in last week's episode on being silly, uh, you know, 193 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,120 I said that would have, 194 00:10:56,900 --> 00:11:01,280 we would not have stayed together long term because I would've had to like not 195 00:11:01,610 --> 00:11:03,960 allow that side of myself free reign. 196 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:07,280 Right. And it would've been sitting there just, just Right. 197 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,000 Bubbling under the surface. And eventually it's going to break out. 198 00:11:10,110 --> 00:11:11,000 Exactly. Yeah. 199 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,600 And so I can also say that what that would've done was that that relationship 200 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,600 would've become difficult. It would've become hard. Mm-hmm. 201 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:21,320 not because I was with a bad partner, 202 00:11:21,660 --> 00:11:24,360 or because, you know, 203 00:11:24,550 --> 00:11:27,400 they were that douchey dom that wasn't real. 204 00:11:27,940 --> 00:11:31,640 It would be because we were on certain levels incompatible. 205 00:11:32,910 --> 00:11:33,380 Yeah. 206 00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:38,200 And when you try to force yourself to be what the other 207 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,520 person, especially in power exchange, it's true everywhere, 208 00:11:40,540 --> 00:11:42,040 but especially in power exchange, 209 00:11:42,350 --> 00:11:46,600 when you try to mold yourself into the vision your partner has, 210 00:11:46,780 --> 00:11:51,720 but it's not true to who you are. Mm-hmm. talking to all of my Mr. 211 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:55,560 Friends out there who have found themselves in that situation, I, 212 00:11:56,520 --> 00:12:00,040 I think you're just, you're, you're asking for that relationship to become hard. 213 00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:02,920 And the problem is, is that a lot of people will go, it is hard, 214 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:06,480 but this is effort. I'm putting in effort to be who my, 215 00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:09,120 I'm gonna use the message here to be who my dom wants me to be. 216 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:10,680 And that's how this is supposed to be. 217 00:12:11,060 --> 00:12:15,800 And, and see, that's, that's something that, you know, 218 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:20,800 through the years, I've seen a lot of in relationships, um, you know, 219 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:24,560 or hear somebody say, well, I really love this person. I really care for them, 220 00:12:24,820 --> 00:12:26,520 but they need to change. Oh. 221 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:27,960 Yeah. Then you don't really love that person. 222 00:12:28,070 --> 00:12:29,200 Then you don't really love that person. 223 00:12:29,380 --> 00:12:32,000 You love that idea of who that person is supposed to be for you. 224 00:12:32,030 --> 00:12:34,480 Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. , you know, and, and, 225 00:12:34,660 --> 00:12:39,520 and even, even sometimes I've come across it in, 226 00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:44,000 in kink, you know mm-hmm. , where, where, you know, someone says, 227 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:48,720 well, you know, I, I wanna break you and Right. You know, 228 00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,160 shape you in, into. 229 00:12:50,970 --> 00:12:52,560 There was a time when that whole, 230 00:12:52,820 --> 00:12:56,280 I'm gonna break you and then raise you up to be the submissive I wanna be. 231 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,720 Mm-hmm. , I found that very, very hot. And quite frankly, 232 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,280 I found it at a time when I had, 233 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,000 I found it hot at a time when I had way too much control over my life. 234 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,360 'cause it was just me. It was just me and two little kids, 235 00:13:10,020 --> 00:13:13,080 or it was me and a husband who didn't pull his fucking weight, 236 00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:15,240 and I was over it and two little kids mm-hmm. . 237 00:13:15,380 --> 00:13:18,800 And I was tapped out on having to make every decision, 238 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:22,200 having to control everything, having to, you know, be the one Right. 239 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,880 When that's not who I necessarily want to be all the time. 240 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,160 I didn't know that at the time, but, you know, looking back. 241 00:13:28,740 --> 00:13:32,880 So when I realized that I'm submissive, I'm kinky, I want a kinky relationship, 242 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:39,080 I found it very intriguing and very erotic and something I was leaning 243 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:43,560 towards this idea of breaking down a submissive to build them back up. Mm-hmm. 244 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:48,240 , I am at this point, extremely skeptical of that because 245 00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:52,400 I've already had life break me the fuck down. 246 00:13:52,630 --> 00:13:56,640 I've had horrible partners break me the fuck down and 247 00:13:57,550 --> 00:13:59,280 life didn't give a fuck. 'cause it doesn't, 248 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:04,080 and the partners weren't skilled enough to take care of my mental wellbeing 249 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:08,000 to, to build me back up. Like I just, I find it, 250 00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:13,360 the fantasy of it is hot. I'll read that kinky fantasy Yeah. 251 00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,920 All fucking day and get off on it and be like, mm-hmm. , yes, 252 00:14:15,930 --> 00:14:17,920 let's do this. But in real life, 253 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:24,320 I think that if it has worked for anybody, like genuinely worked for somebody, 254 00:14:24,710 --> 00:14:27,280 that is the exception. That is not the fucking rule. 255 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:30,720 Because most people can barely keep their own fucking shit together. 256 00:14:31,460 --> 00:14:36,120 How are they so savvy and so much of an expert on, 257 00:14:36,380 --> 00:14:40,960 on mental health and psychology that they have the ability to quote, 258 00:14:41,090 --> 00:14:45,160 break a submissive and then build them back up without that submissive having 259 00:14:45,190 --> 00:14:49,760 fucking trauma. Okay. life traumatizes me enough. Yeah. 260 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:54,600 I don't need my do to, to do it. What . So, you know, 261 00:14:55,010 --> 00:14:56,840 again, the fantasy of it sounds great. 262 00:14:56,900 --> 00:15:00,680 And there was that time in my early days where I was like, yes, 263 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:04,600 that's what I want. Mold me into the submissive you want me to be mm-hmm. 264 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,080 mm-hmm. except the danger of that, 265 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:12,000 and this is where that kinky relationship can become hard unnecessarily. Mm-hmm. 266 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:15,680 is that if your definition of who I am supposed to be 267 00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:19,800 is not natural to who I am Right. 268 00:15:19,980 --> 00:15:22,160 Is not the right fit for who I am mm-hmm. 269 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:26,680 and does not allow the real me to express 270 00:15:26,870 --> 00:15:30,760 herself in the ways that are authentic to me. Mm-hmm. , 271 00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:34,080 all I have done is put on a costume that doesn't fucking fit. Right. 272 00:15:34,140 --> 00:15:35,000 That's all I've done. 273 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,120 And, and, you know, let's, and. 274 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:37,560 Now I've made everything unnecessarily. 275 00:15:37,710 --> 00:15:42,240 Hard. Let's, let's, let's move this into a, a a similar yet different thing, um, 276 00:15:43,450 --> 00:15:46,600 where, where you hear a lot of people talking about, uh, 277 00:15:46,630 --> 00:15:50,280 when it comes to brats mm-hmm. . Okay. Uh, you know, 278 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,640 I know the common term to use is bratt tamer. 279 00:15:53,790 --> 00:15:56,120 Yeah. And I think some people use that tongue in cheek. Yeah. 280 00:15:56,700 --> 00:15:59,880 Um, you know, I, I think, I don't know if this has been used, 281 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:01,040 I don't believe I've seen it, 282 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:06,000 but I think a more aptt term would be Bratt handler. Yeah. . 283 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:07,070 . 284 00:16:07,070 --> 00:16:09,880 Okay. Yeah. Okay. Uh, because. 285 00:16:09,980 --> 00:16:11,960 If you tame the bratt, then they're not a bratt anymore. They're. 286 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:12,760 Not a bratt anymore. Then. 287 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:13,290 Where's the fun? 288 00:16:13,290 --> 00:16:16,800 Right. Where's the fun? You know? And, and that was one of the things with, 289 00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:22,080 with you when I met you, you know, your, 290 00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:26,960 your sassiness and, and your sense of humor. You know, 291 00:16:27,610 --> 00:16:32,000 there was nothing that of you that I wanted to say that, you know, oh, 292 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,080 you need to change for us to, you know. Right. Um, 293 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:37,640 I loved you for who you are and what you are. 294 00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,360 Right. And, and the, the pieces, 295 00:16:39,370 --> 00:16:44,240 parts of us needed to fit in a compatible way in order for it to work. 296 00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:46,720 Now, I made a list of notes to try to, 297 00:16:46,780 --> 00:16:50,920 to try to keep this from going off the rails. a big part of that. 298 00:16:50,940 --> 00:16:54,280 And I think this is another place where people get confused about relationships 299 00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:58,200 are hard when they try to fit into the mold of either who they think they're 300 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:01,320 supposed to be, who they think their partner wants 'em to be mm-hmm. 301 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,960 Or who their partner wants them to be, 302 00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:08,880 is that you should not have to fundamentally change everything about you to your 303 00:17:08,910 --> 00:17:13,720 core to fit for a person. Right. However, compromise is important. 304 00:17:13,940 --> 00:17:17,320 Yes. Like, yes, I can be the sassiest, 305 00:17:18,050 --> 00:17:22,080 sassy mcss that ever fucking lived, but my compromises, 306 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,920 I gotta learn time and place my compromises. 307 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:28,400 I've gotta learn that sometimes this mouth will get me in trouble, 308 00:17:28,860 --> 00:17:31,360 and regardless of my intentions mm-hmm. , 309 00:17:31,420 --> 00:17:33,840 you are gonna read it the wrong way and it's gonna hit you in the wrong way. 310 00:17:33,860 --> 00:17:35,280 And you get to have those feelings. 311 00:17:35,340 --> 00:17:39,960 And I have to decide that it's worth it 312 00:17:40,140 --> 00:17:42,480 to me to temper myself to, 313 00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:46,480 to tamp that down slightly in those situations. Mm-hmm. , 314 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,080 because I'm gonna learn what you like, what you don't like. Right. 315 00:17:49,290 --> 00:17:53,600 And then I have to make the decision, is that enough? You know, 316 00:17:53,860 --> 00:17:57,680 is that something I'm willing to alter slightly? It doesn't remove my sass, 317 00:17:57,980 --> 00:18:00,280 it just might mean that I go, oh, he's in a bad mood. 318 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,120 This ain't the fucking time right now. . Right. Yeah. Or, oh, 319 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:07,800 when I say that thing, it comes across as disrespectful. 320 00:18:07,860 --> 00:18:12,440 Mm-hmm. not sassy. Okay. How can I shift slightly like that? 321 00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:15,480 To me, that compromise is an example. 322 00:18:15,980 --> 00:18:20,160 One of fucking million of the effort, the hard work part, 323 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:23,800 because sometimes you just wanna be out here fully in yourself, 324 00:18:24,030 --> 00:18:26,840 just doing whatever the fuck comes to mind. Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. 325 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:30,840 . And it hurts the person that you care about. 326 00:18:31,540 --> 00:18:34,160 And so then your job, once they've told you it, 327 00:18:34,310 --> 00:18:36,160 it's bothered them or that there's like a, 328 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:39,080 a disconnect is to decide what you're gonna do about that. 329 00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:43,120 That is fundamentally fucking different from going, oh, oh, 330 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:47,800 this is who I am, and who you approached and who I was and, 331 00:18:48,020 --> 00:18:52,360 and said, you wanted me to be your dom to your sub, sub to your dom. Mm-hmm. 332 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,220 . Oh. 333 00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:57,680 But this entire other list of characteristics is who I'm supposed to be to make 334 00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:01,840 you happy. . And I'm sure it happens on both sides of the slash Yeah. 335 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:04,800 I don't have any doubt about that, but I just from experience know, 336 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,720 it happens to a shit ton of fucking submissives. They go like, think about this. 337 00:19:08,740 --> 00:19:11,240 How many times do we get those emails of, well, 338 00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:15,960 my partner said I have to do this, this, this, this and that to be a quote, 339 00:19:15,990 --> 00:19:19,080 good sub or to do submission quote. Right. Right. Yeah. 340 00:19:19,260 --> 00:19:23,200 But I don't like any of those things. So does that mean I'm a bad s sub? But no, 341 00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:25,280 it means you're looking the wrong fucking person. not. Right. You're, 342 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:29,120 you're, you're, yeah. You're not doing something that's authentic to you. 343 00:19:29,260 --> 00:19:33,200 Mm-hmm. . Right. Um, the other thing I wanna talk about, 344 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:37,880 because I think that a lot of people get this kind of mixed up 345 00:19:37,950 --> 00:19:41,680 between relationships being hard mm-hmm. versus effort. 346 00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:47,000 And it's the fact that sometimes life is fucking hard. Yes. Life is hard. 347 00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:49,960 Mm-hmm. , um, life will throw you curve balls. 348 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:50,880 We've talked about this so many times. 349 00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:53,840 We are in the ebb of the ebb and flow in life, 350 00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:56,960 and I'm looking forward to fucking flow. Okay. Um, 351 00:19:57,580 --> 00:20:02,080 and it's made life hard and sometimes hard. 352 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,920 A hard life, a hard moment in life can tear people apart. 353 00:20:06,710 --> 00:20:11,600 It's so hard that they can't find their way kind of across that abyss. 354 00:20:13,020 --> 00:20:17,040 But in general, the healthiest relationships, power exchange, 355 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:20,120 otherwise that I've ever come across, including our own. Mm-hmm. , 356 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:24,000 but I mean, not just us, it's that when life gets hard, 357 00:20:25,260 --> 00:20:28,400 it might take us a minute 'cause the stress will knock you the fuck out. Mm-hmm. 358 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:31,720 . But we go, okay, this thing is hard. 359 00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:35,920 We will deal with it together. Right. It's that whole, 360 00:20:36,510 --> 00:20:39,840 it's not me versus you. When there's conflict, 361 00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:41,520 it's us versus the problem. 362 00:20:42,660 --> 00:20:45,560 So when I say that relationships shouldn't be hard, 363 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:49,160 I don't mean that life won't be hard. Life. Like, lemme say it again. 364 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,600 Life will fuck you up. Oh, yeah. 365 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:51,120 Okay. Oh. 366 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:55,680 Yeah. Like in our personal experience, death injury, 367 00:20:56,030 --> 00:20:57,080 financial stress. 368 00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:01,160 life, life is very happy to throw the proverbial wrench into the gears. 369 00:21:01,250 --> 00:21:02,120 Right. . But. 370 00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:06,080 Then for, and I can't speak on it well, 371 00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:10,000 so I'm not gonna try, but anybody living with chronic illness, 372 00:21:10,110 --> 00:21:13,800 chronic pain, you know, a disability that means mm-hmm. 373 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,520 that their life is somehow fundamentally harder. 374 00:21:16,580 --> 00:21:20,840 And that's a thing they have to deal with. Right. Like, all of that, like that, 375 00:21:20,870 --> 00:21:24,040 that will make your life hard. Those things will be hard. 376 00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:28,360 The person you're in a relationship with, God dammit, especially power exchange, 377 00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:31,600 where we're already making ourselves so vulnerable, 378 00:21:31,700 --> 00:21:34,680 so much more vulnerable than most of us do in a vanilla relationship. 379 00:21:35,870 --> 00:21:39,960 That should be the thing that gives you strength that Yeah. Gives you, 380 00:21:40,530 --> 00:21:44,280 allow, gives you a soft place to land, or a place to lean, 381 00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:47,040 or just a fucking team member. Like. 382 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,520 Somebody who, and, and see, for me, that was something I do. 383 00:21:49,750 --> 00:21:52,800 That was something that was, um, 384 00:21:53,910 --> 00:21:57,480 difficult for me to accept in our relationship. 385 00:21:59,060 --> 00:22:02,200 Uh, because in the past, and most relationships are had, 386 00:22:02,450 --> 00:22:06,400 every time a problem came up, oh, well, I guess you gotta, 387 00:22:06,780 --> 00:22:09,040 that's your problem. You gotta, that sucks for you. Yeah. 388 00:22:09,310 --> 00:22:11,520 Yeah. And that boggles my mind when I'll, 389 00:22:11,660 --> 00:22:14,440 you'll be going through something and I'm like, okay, how can I help? Or, oh, 390 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:18,320 here, here's what I, can I do this for you? Or, oh, you'll say, 391 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,480 I have this thing. I'm like, no, no. We have this thing we're going through. 392 00:22:21,620 --> 00:22:23,560 And even now, after all this time, 393 00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:26,960 you always get this look of kind of like wonder on your face of like, 394 00:22:27,070 --> 00:22:29,720 what do you mean you're helping me? What the fuck you mean I'm, 395 00:22:29,750 --> 00:22:34,360 what the fuck is that question? , not only am I your fucking wife, 396 00:22:34,490 --> 00:22:38,000 right? Mm-hmm. and business partner. Yeah. I'm your submissive. 397 00:22:38,230 --> 00:22:42,440 Like it's in the job description that I'll fucking help you . 398 00:22:44,460 --> 00:22:48,360 And that's the other thing. Life is hard enough. Yeah. 399 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:52,840 A partner should not make it fucking harder. They should not. 400 00:22:52,860 --> 00:22:56,760 And I think too many times people go back to that, oh, well, 401 00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:01,440 relationships are hard. Or, and this can come from just mental health. 402 00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:06,400 It can come from trauma. It can, from so many places, we internalize the, oh, 403 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:11,040 if it's hard, it's my fault. If they're not, if they want me to change, 404 00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:12,920 that's a failing on my part. 405 00:23:13,340 --> 00:23:16,160 If this feels difficult, 406 00:23:16,260 --> 00:23:19,760 it is because I am somehow not doing something. And then that one, 407 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:24,800 I know from personal experience, that was, that is how I viewed a lot of life, 408 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,480 probably until my mid thirties. If it was hard, 409 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:31,920 I thought it was a failing on my part that I wasn't enough, 410 00:23:32,070 --> 00:23:33,840 that I wasn't doing something right. 411 00:23:34,220 --> 00:23:36,600 Not that I was in the wrong situation with the wrong person. 412 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:42,400 'cause I didn't have the experience of being in a relationship where we are the 413 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:47,400 right fit for one another and we work together through the 414 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:51,640 hard stuff. We put the effort in together to get through the hard stuff. Yeah. 415 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:55,360 I didn't have that life experience at all. No. I mean, back to childhood, 416 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,480 I didn't have that experience. So for me it was a lot of, well, what, 417 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,280 what do I need to do? How do I need to fix it? What, 418 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:06,080 how much harder do I need to work? You know what? Yeah. 419 00:24:06,180 --> 00:24:09,480 And I would just take it all on my shoulders and go, life is hard. 420 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:14,040 Relationships are hard. Let me muscle through mm-hmm. . And. 421 00:24:14,420 --> 00:24:17,000 But see, when you, when you do something like that in a relationship, 422 00:24:17,470 --> 00:24:22,040 whether it's a, a non kink or, or kinky relationship, uh, you know, 423 00:24:22,140 --> 00:24:26,280 in the end that is something that builds resentment and Yes. That, 424 00:24:26,590 --> 00:24:29,400 that then makes the relationship hard. Now the. 425 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,320 Relationship is really fucking hard. Yeah. 426 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,360 Yeah. Okay. Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . So, you know, 427 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:35,320 when something like that happens. Absolutely. 428 00:24:35,540 --> 00:24:37,880 And this is the thing I'll add to that because whew, 429 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,600 I just had some flashbacks to my non kink life. 430 00:24:42,140 --> 00:24:45,080 You can't communicate your way out of that with a partner, 431 00:24:45,470 --> 00:24:48,640 like we say all the time. If there's an issue in your relationship, 432 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,480 you've gotta communicate. Right. You've gotta talk to your partner. And Yes. 433 00:24:51,540 --> 00:24:54,320 And that to me should always be the first line of defense that if something's 434 00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:57,880 not right, something's not working. Attempt to communicate your needs, 435 00:24:57,880 --> 00:24:59,560 your thoughts, your feelings to your partner. 436 00:24:59,590 --> 00:25:02,440 That is how this is supposed to work. Mm-hmm. , but, 437 00:25:02,540 --> 00:25:03,960 and this is another thing I put in my notes. 438 00:25:04,980 --> 00:25:08,000 One partner shouldn't carry the whole fucking thing all the fucking time. 439 00:25:08,540 --> 00:25:10,720 Now sometimes we, we care air quote this, 440 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:14,000 carry each other because one of us can't give as much as we normally would. 441 00:25:14,020 --> 00:25:18,000 One of us is going through something, right? One of us has an injury, 442 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,160 an illness, a disability, like something. And yeah, you might c carry, 443 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,960 I want to air quote that. 'cause that sounds like, um, 444 00:25:26,030 --> 00:25:28,440 that sounds like the other person doesn't participate and that's not true. 445 00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:32,280 Mm-hmm. . But sometimes you don't have all of your all to give. 446 00:25:33,140 --> 00:25:38,120 And so I'm gonna pick up air quote the slack and vice versa. That's fine. 447 00:25:38,780 --> 00:25:39,540 But, 448 00:25:39,540 --> 00:25:43,920 and I have had way too many non kink relationships be this way for me not to 449 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:45,080 recognize it now. Mm-hmm. , 450 00:25:45,510 --> 00:25:50,280 there's not enough communication in your power exchange or otherwise if the 451 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:52,440 other person's not fucking participating. That's true. 452 00:25:52,830 --> 00:25:54,280 That is very true. Every. 453 00:25:54,460 --> 00:25:55,320 You can't communicate your. 454 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:58,960 Way out of that. No. You can't. If, if someone's not, because there, 455 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:03,040 there comes the other part to it, you know, it's not going to work 456 00:26:04,540 --> 00:26:06,360 unless both parties work together. 457 00:26:06,730 --> 00:26:07,300 Right. 458 00:26:07,300 --> 00:26:10,640 It goes back to where we did the episode over well over a year ago about being, 459 00:26:10,830 --> 00:26:13,160 this is being teamwork. Mm-hmm. , we are a team. Yeah. 460 00:26:13,180 --> 00:26:16,800 We are trying to get to the thing together. And it goes back to, 461 00:26:16,940 --> 00:26:20,040 it is not you and versus me in conflict. 462 00:26:20,060 --> 00:26:22,560 It is us versus whatever the problem is. Correct. Now, 463 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,440 sometimes it is not for us, 464 00:26:24,540 --> 00:26:29,480 but in some cases it's you versus the other person because the conflict is the 465 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,400 relationship, right? Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . 466 00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:34,480 It is the fact that the other person is not participating or the other person 467 00:26:34,580 --> 00:26:37,840 in, in power exchange specifically, and we talked about this a little bit, 468 00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:42,560 I think last week or week before, that whole idea of dominance saying, 469 00:26:43,020 --> 00:26:43,880 oh, it was in our, 470 00:26:43,900 --> 00:26:46,640 our short form episode about getting your needs fulfilled as a submissive. 471 00:26:46,900 --> 00:26:50,440 We talked about this idea that there are just too many fucking air quote doms 472 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:53,440 out there who think that the only thing that matters is getting their needs 473 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:56,320 fulfilled because they're the dom. And that's quote how this works. 474 00:26:56,390 --> 00:26:57,280 It's not how this works. 475 00:26:57,280 --> 00:26:57,930 That's not how it works. 476 00:26:57,930 --> 00:26:58,960 Right. And at that point. 477 00:26:59,350 --> 00:27:00,400 It's a give and take it. 478 00:27:00,590 --> 00:27:03,000 That partner is the fucking problem. Mm-hmm. . 479 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:07,560 And it is you against them. Um, and that's one of those times you can't, 480 00:27:07,700 --> 00:27:09,680 you can't have enough. There are, 481 00:27:09,710 --> 00:27:14,640 there's no magic conversation that's gonna fix that. No. 482 00:27:14,710 --> 00:27:19,000 That is an incompatibility where this person does not deserve your time, 483 00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:22,680 energy, care, devotion, whatever, submission mm-hmm. 484 00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:25,600 for my sub friends out there. Um, they don't deserve it at all. 485 00:27:26,420 --> 00:27:31,400 And that relationship is too, is hard when it, that's not how this is supposed. 486 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,880 To be. Right. I mean, you know, look at, look at our relationship mm-hmm. 487 00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,120 , um, 10 plus years now. 488 00:27:37,550 --> 00:27:41,800 Yeah. In essence, no one this December will be 11 years since we've met each. 489 00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:44,200 Other. Right. Yeah. So, you know, 490 00:27:46,100 --> 00:27:50,680 our relationship has changed and morphed and evolved mm-hmm. 491 00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:53,520 over those, you know, almost 11 years to, to fit who. 492 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:54,640 We're in the moment. Right. 493 00:27:54,940 --> 00:27:57,920 You know, um, there was a time I went, you know, 494 00:27:58,220 --> 00:28:01,960 got up every morning and went to work. Yep. There was a time you did that. 495 00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:06,040 worked, worked, worked, worked a job. And you know, now that had, 496 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:06,960 that has changed and. 497 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,160 What submission looked like was a lot different then. Yes. 498 00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:11,960 'cause the needs of the relationship and our power exchange were different. 499 00:28:12,030 --> 00:28:15,040 Were different in that life versus this life. Correct. Mm-hmm. 500 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:19,240 . And, and you know, we, we talk about how, 501 00:28:20,970 --> 00:28:25,720 we've talked about in the past, how with, with dss, um, you know, 502 00:28:25,860 --> 00:28:30,160 you have to be fluid. Mm-hmm. goes for a relationship as well. 503 00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:34,080 Absolutely. You know, you, you have to be fluid, you have to be able to, 504 00:28:34,220 --> 00:28:38,640 to change. I mean, you know, at that, at that point, going back early on, 505 00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:40,920 I went to, I went to a job every day. 506 00:28:40,940 --> 00:28:45,320 You were at home building your freelance career. So, and taking. 507 00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:47,920 Care of children at home for the first time in my fucking life. 508 00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:51,800 Taking care of kids. You, at that time you were doing laundry, you were, 509 00:28:52,300 --> 00:28:53,440 you know, cooking meals. 510 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:54,473 Domestic goddess. 511 00:28:54,590 --> 00:28:55,240 Yeah. 512 00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:59,240 I was a domestic troll at best . But I tried. I did my best. You did. 513 00:28:59,260 --> 00:29:02,800 You did. You did a damn good job. One . No, no, 514 00:29:04,060 --> 00:29:08,200 no, no. You did a damn good job. 515 00:29:08,620 --> 00:29:10,880 But then things flipped. Mm-hmm. . Okay. 516 00:29:10,980 --> 00:29:15,040 And then I had to readjust, you know, I took over a lot of the household roles. 517 00:29:15,700 --> 00:29:18,080 Here's the thing that if our relationship wasn't, 518 00:29:18,900 --> 00:29:21,840 we weren't who we are with one another. If we were not right for one another, 519 00:29:22,590 --> 00:29:25,160 this is how I can see how life would've become hard in our power exchange. 520 00:29:25,670 --> 00:29:29,680 When you retired, for lack of a better word mm-hmm. 521 00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:34,640 from your career. Um, I had built up, we did that for, 522 00:29:34,660 --> 00:29:37,120 we did that because you got out of That's the whole episode. Yeah. 523 00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:41,040 I think it's episode 82 in the archives. Yeah. Um, but, 524 00:29:42,100 --> 00:29:43,040 um, I, 525 00:29:43,500 --> 00:29:48,160 you were able to do that with a bit of confidence because I had built my 526 00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:51,760 business up so that Correct. We could fund our life for the most part mm-hmm. 527 00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:52,680 . Um, 528 00:29:53,500 --> 00:29:57,680 but because you had been working out of the home and I'd been working in the 529 00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:00,720 home, I'd still been trying to do a lot of the domestic stuff. Correct. 530 00:30:00,750 --> 00:30:04,160 Because your job wasn't just 40 hours a week. It was also the commute, 531 00:30:04,180 --> 00:30:05,600 it was also the aggravation. Mm-hmm. , 532 00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:06,560 there was just a lot of stuff. Mm-hmm. 533 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:09,320 and I was home so I could do those things Right. 534 00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:14,200 A little bit more easily. And the old me, who would've thought that, 535 00:30:15,260 --> 00:30:20,120 um, whoever I was on day one is who I was supposed to be for fucking ever. 536 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:24,920 Mm-hmm. , um, would have tried to keep doing that. 537 00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:27,720 Would've tried to say, well, my responsibilities mm-hmm. as, 538 00:30:28,260 --> 00:30:31,360 as a a business partner are, here's my career as a, 539 00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:32,960 a person who participates in this relationship. 540 00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:35,640 I gotta bring in some money so we can eat and pay the mortgage. 541 00:30:36,060 --> 00:30:40,520 But as a submissive, here's how I serve domestic chores, 542 00:30:41,270 --> 00:30:43,920 cooking, like a lot of that kind of stuff. Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. 543 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,360 . And that was tied to my submission. Old me would've gone, well, 544 00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:48,960 that's just what I gotta keep doing. 'cause that's who I am. 545 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:51,480 'cause that's who I was, you know, two years ago. 546 00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:52,520 So that's who I gotta be today. 547 00:30:53,140 --> 00:30:57,600 And it would have made the relationship hard because that would never have been 548 00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:59,600 fucking sustainable. Right. The hard work, 549 00:30:59,660 --> 00:31:04,560 the effort that has to be there for a relationship was me overcoming a 550 00:31:04,580 --> 00:31:08,440 lot of my insecurities to sit you down and go, okay, 551 00:31:08,980 --> 00:31:11,800 I'm happy to be the breadwinner. I have done that before in my relationships. 552 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:14,720 I can do that again. What I can't do, 553 00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:16,520 'cause it's what I did in my previous relationships. 554 00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:20,360 I cannot also be your domestic fucking goddess. Right. Goblin, whatever. Right. 555 00:31:20,660 --> 00:31:21,020 Um, 556 00:31:21,020 --> 00:31:25,960 we have to renegotiate what we do in our life that is not about 557 00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:26,600 our power exchange. 558 00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:29,720 Keeping a fucking household going is not about our power exchange. 559 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:31,240 That's just fucking life. We gotta live it. 560 00:31:32,100 --> 00:31:36,040 But also that will take away service that I do. 561 00:31:36,140 --> 00:31:37,720 So how do we replace that? 562 00:31:38,580 --> 00:31:43,440 And that was an uncomfortable conversation to me because my previous experience 563 00:31:43,590 --> 00:31:47,000 said, if you agree to do this thing, you just do it until you fucking die. 564 00:31:47,130 --> 00:31:49,840 Until the wheels fall off. You, you never mm-hmm. , 565 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:54,400 you never change. I was, I was probably late, 566 00:31:54,430 --> 00:31:57,880 late thirties before I finally embraced the idea that, you know, 567 00:31:57,900 --> 00:32:01,120 the thing I do in this one moment will, will never be the thing I do forever. 568 00:32:01,470 --> 00:32:02,040 Like, 569 00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:05,680 regardless of how much I love a routine and I like just can't handle things 570 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:10,440 changing too abruptly. The reality is is that you, it's the ebb and flow. 571 00:32:11,100 --> 00:32:15,000 And so I initiated restructuring our power exchange mm-hmm. 572 00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:16,840 and renegotiating our power exchange. 573 00:32:17,700 --> 00:32:22,120 And that was an example of hard work slash effort. Yeah. 574 00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:26,200 'cause if I had not done that, I would have made our relationship hard. Right. 575 00:32:26,780 --> 00:32:28,480 And that we weren't. 576 00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:30,080 Doing that. And that, and that is something, and I, 577 00:32:30,190 --> 00:32:33,920 that was kind of a pivotal point for me. Mm-hmm. . Um, 578 00:32:34,150 --> 00:32:38,280 because you know, what you, what you're saying about how, how it was handled, 579 00:32:38,780 --> 00:32:41,240 you know, it, it makes me think about, you know, this, 580 00:32:41,270 --> 00:32:46,160 this line from a song change isn't permanent, but change is Sure. 581 00:32:46,340 --> 00:32:49,320 You know, it, it, everything's always gonna change. Always changing. 582 00:32:49,460 --> 00:32:53,000 Yep. And I don't like it , my routine oriented brain doesn't like. 583 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:55,080 It, but it's gonna happen regardless. I. 584 00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:58,440 Wanna know what to expect every moment. Yeah. Of every day. Thank you. 585 00:32:58,760 --> 00:32:59,880 . You know, and, 586 00:32:59,900 --> 00:33:04,840 and the reason that that was pivotal for me was because up until that time, 587 00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:08,240 I had always had a job. Mm-hmm. , 588 00:33:08,390 --> 00:33:12,280 whether I was working for someone or I had my own business. Right. You. 589 00:33:12,350 --> 00:33:12,780 Yeah. 590 00:33:12,780 --> 00:33:16,360 You know, I, I got up every morning, I went out to work mm-hmm. . 591 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:18,560 Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . 592 00:33:19,420 --> 00:33:23,560 And, and that was a, a huge shock for me. 593 00:33:23,660 --> 00:33:28,160 And it did take me some time to get over it and, and adjust. 594 00:33:28,210 --> 00:33:30,160 Right. Because that was part of your identity. Yeah. 595 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:34,560 Especially you were born and raised a man in today's 596 00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:36,360 patriarchal society. Right. Like, 597 00:33:36,380 --> 00:33:41,240 the whole concept of who you are as a man is tied to the money 598 00:33:41,260 --> 00:33:44,920 you earn and how you take care of a family and the job you have and who, 599 00:33:45,220 --> 00:33:47,200 you know, we, we do love to like, you know, 600 00:33:47,610 --> 00:33:51,320 shoot down patriarchy wherever we can. And this was a moment. Right. 601 00:33:51,490 --> 00:33:52,020 Right. 602 00:33:52,020 --> 00:33:52,760 Um. 603 00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:57,680 I, so, you know, and, and that I I think was a point where, 604 00:33:58,420 --> 00:34:02,520 you know, I realized, you know, yeah. This, and, 605 00:34:02,580 --> 00:34:06,000 and this isn't gonna be permanent at some point, it's going to change. And, 606 00:34:06,220 --> 00:34:08,240 and the funny thing is, what is it gonna become when we. 607 00:34:08,240 --> 00:34:09,360 Understand that things will change? 608 00:34:09,460 --> 00:34:12,720 And yet I'm still always surprised by how they change. Not that they change. 609 00:34:12,790 --> 00:34:15,520 Yeah. 'cause it's always something I would never have expected. I have, 610 00:34:15,830 --> 00:34:17,000 it's not easy. Mm-hmm. , 611 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:20,000 but I have had to learn not to try to predict the future. 612 00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:23,720 'cause I get it fucking wrong every time. Yeah. This, this, this thing we do 613 00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:28,280 Couldn't, couldn't have predicted it. Right. Just couldn't have predicted it. 614 00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:29,240 Yeah. Um, 615 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:34,000 I would like to touch on what we mean by effort. Okay. 616 00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:35,440 Versus when it's hard. 617 00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:40,240 I think a lot of people can probably think back to a relationship, 618 00:34:40,240 --> 00:34:43,600 or maybe you're thinking of a current one and you're like, oh yeah, I know hard. 619 00:34:43,620 --> 00:34:47,120 But the, the effort side of it, the hard work mm-hmm. . Right. 620 00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:50,760 Which is to me, the distinction, the relationships are not, should not be hard, 621 00:34:50,820 --> 00:34:53,360 but they do require hard work. They do require effort. Right. 622 00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:58,160 Because you are two or more people who are constantly morphing and 623 00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:02,200 changing and growing and having experiences that fucking alter everything. 624 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:05,240 Your life, your brain, chemistry, everything. Right. Um, 625 00:35:05,980 --> 00:35:08,920 and unless you go live in a little cave somewhere, 626 00:35:10,150 --> 00:35:12,800 it's always gonna happen. Right? Mm-hmm. . Um, 627 00:35:13,460 --> 00:35:17,880 so what does effort look like, I guess is, is that part 628 00:35:19,620 --> 00:35:20,220 How would you. 629 00:35:20,220 --> 00:35:25,120 How, how would I, how would I Yeah. Describe that. Oh, um, . 630 00:35:27,310 --> 00:35:28,370 Wow. I. 631 00:35:28,930 --> 00:35:32,290 I know it. I can only do it kind of through examples. I can't really define it. 632 00:35:32,360 --> 00:35:35,130 Yeah. The thing that comes to my mind when I think about it though, 633 00:35:35,710 --> 00:35:39,360 is that when I was in relationships that were hard mm-hmm. , 634 00:35:40,300 --> 00:35:43,920 it was almost too easy not to really care about the other partner. 635 00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:46,960 There was resentment. Mm-hmm. , there was, you know, 636 00:35:47,150 --> 00:35:51,880 this feeling that I was a little bit on my own, um, before I finally went, yo, 637 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:55,640 I, we need a divorce. Get, get the fuck out. Yeah. And I finally hit that point. 638 00:35:56,050 --> 00:36:00,800 There was a feeling of just not wishing I didn't have to be around them. Wish, 639 00:36:00,940 --> 00:36:03,600 you know, just wishing everything could be different. Right. 640 00:36:03,870 --> 00:36:07,960 Because everything was so fucking hard. The past few years for us, 641 00:36:08,140 --> 00:36:12,760 by our personal standards, your results will vary. Life has been hard. Yes. 642 00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:16,440 There have been some hard things, right? Mm-hmm. that have that. 643 00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:19,600 We've had one after the other that, uh, thrown at us for a while there Yeah. 644 00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:24,000 Challenged us, stressed us, scared us. Yeah. You know, 645 00:36:24,070 --> 00:36:26,400 sleepless nights mm-hmm. like there's been shit. 646 00:36:27,420 --> 00:36:29,760 And yet in the middle of all of that, 647 00:36:30,650 --> 00:36:33,480 while I might wanna escape the stress and like, yes, 648 00:36:33,640 --> 00:36:36,880 I can make up the scenario in my head of what life could look like. 649 00:36:37,710 --> 00:36:41,760 It's never a removal of you or me from the situation. 650 00:36:41,990 --> 00:36:46,120 It's never true. It's always, how are we going to get through it? Mm-hmm. 651 00:36:46,160 --> 00:36:49,720 , because it is a, we, because that's the thing about effort. 652 00:36:49,870 --> 00:36:52,000 It's a give and take back and forth. 653 00:36:52,230 --> 00:36:57,160 It's a moment where there's no question about whether you're in it together 654 00:36:57,180 --> 00:37:01,280 or not. When a relationship is hard, I think you feel very much alone. 655 00:37:01,860 --> 00:37:04,080 Mm-hmm. when life is hard, 656 00:37:04,380 --> 00:37:07,080 but you have a partner that's fucking participating, 657 00:37:09,670 --> 00:37:12,320 it's still hard, but sometimes you feel, you just feel less alone. Yeah. 658 00:37:12,380 --> 00:37:15,440 I'm not gonna say everybody just never feels alone when they're with the right 659 00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:17,640 partner. Mm-hmm. , who's putting in the effort because we, 660 00:37:17,940 --> 00:37:19,000 mental health will, 661 00:37:19,030 --> 00:37:22,600 will fuck you up and stuff you're going through that maybe your partner just 662 00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:26,200 cannot possibly understand will change how you view that. Right. Like, I'm not, 663 00:37:26,380 --> 00:37:28,560 I'm not gonna try and say that's just how it always is, 664 00:37:29,180 --> 00:37:33,640 but when we are connected to one another, we've talked about this a lot, right. 665 00:37:33,780 --> 00:37:34,613 In the past mm-hmm. , 666 00:37:34,710 --> 00:37:38,080 it's easy to become disconnected in your power exchange because life will fuck 667 00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:40,280 you up when we are connected. 668 00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:45,200 I know I'm not alone in whatever's going on when we disconnect. Yeah. 669 00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:48,400 I do feel slightly alone, but I hate that feeling. 670 00:37:48,420 --> 00:37:51,480 And what I'm trying to change is not the situation we're in mm-hmm. 671 00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:55,280 , but the disconnect because we are stronger together. Right. 672 00:37:55,310 --> 00:37:56,160 Than apart. When, 673 00:37:56,390 --> 00:37:59,960 when one of us like freaks out and goes off on this stress venture, 674 00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:03,240 and the one other one freaks out and goes in a different direction on a 675 00:38:03,240 --> 00:38:06,720 different stress venture. Mm-hmm. We are not working together. 676 00:38:06,900 --> 00:38:08,200 We are not putting in the effort. 677 00:38:08,260 --> 00:38:12,800 We are flailing by ourselves and everything gets harder when we 678 00:38:13,230 --> 00:38:15,840 calm our tits just a little bit , and we sit down, 679 00:38:15,990 --> 00:38:18,360 look each other in the eye and go, I fucking love you. 680 00:38:18,380 --> 00:38:21,760 Do you still fucking love me? Right. And we have that moment where we're like, 681 00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:24,720 that's right. You're my person and I chose you and Yes. 682 00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:26,360 I don't want you to go anywhere. Right. 683 00:38:27,070 --> 00:38:31,840 Then we're putting in the effort to get back to one another because 684 00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:34,280 that's what we want ultimately. And we both want it, 685 00:38:34,380 --> 00:38:36,200 and we both know we want it. Mm-hmm. . 686 00:38:36,200 --> 00:38:38,640 And if there ever comes a point where one of us doubts it, 687 00:38:39,340 --> 00:38:42,840 all we have to do is go. Yeah. Do you want me, do you wanna be here? 688 00:38:43,220 --> 00:38:47,600 And the answer is a resounding yes that we feel in our fucking soul, 689 00:38:47,660 --> 00:38:52,360 in our gut. Like, there's not a question about it. When a relationship is hard, 690 00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:55,480 there's lots of questions about it. Yeah. There can be denial. 691 00:38:55,660 --> 00:38:59,440 I'm not gonna lie to you. I fooled myself for 12 goddamn years. Right. Hmm. 692 00:38:59,510 --> 00:39:02,680 They'll change, they'll be better. They'll be, they're saying the right things, 693 00:39:02,780 --> 00:39:07,240 but their actions aren't. That's the other thing. Effort is he says, 694 00:39:07,300 --> 00:39:09,240 I'm gonna go do this thing. I'm gonna work on this. 695 00:39:09,620 --> 00:39:12,240 I'm apologize and I'm will not repeat that behavior. 696 00:39:12,940 --> 00:39:17,800 And then that's what fucking happens when the relationship is hard and it's not 697 00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:18,680 mutual effort. 698 00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:23,920 A person can say all the right fucking things and then never follow through at 699 00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:25,080 fucking all. If you wanna know, 700 00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:27,720 are we both putting in the effort of a relationship and the hard work, 701 00:39:28,260 --> 00:39:30,600 you're both participating to the extent that you can. 702 00:39:32,220 --> 00:39:34,480 And it's not just empty words. Mm-hmm. 703 00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:35,353 . 704 00:39:35,580 --> 00:39:38,840 And my experience tells me when the relationship is hard, 705 00:39:38,910 --> 00:39:41,240 it's a lot of empty words. It's a lot of, 706 00:39:41,390 --> 00:39:45,040 I'll say the thing that the other person needs to hear. And in power exchange, 707 00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:49,920 that's really scary because how many of us have had those relationships often 708 00:39:50,100 --> 00:39:54,360 online, but not always. Mm-hmm. where they say everything. Right. 709 00:39:54,390 --> 00:39:57,000 They talk about all the things we're gonna do together, 710 00:39:57,420 --> 00:39:59,760 how they're gonna be your dumb, how they're gonna be your sub. 711 00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:01,320 They're saying everything. Right. 712 00:40:01,380 --> 00:40:05,760 And they're like literally like replicating the fantasy you've had in your head, 713 00:40:06,460 --> 00:40:10,360 and then maybe you come together or maybe life gets a little tough and it's 714 00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:13,240 like, it, it never happened. It's just, it's mm-hmm. 715 00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:18,080 , I mean that, that kind of comes down to, you know, the old adage, 716 00:40:18,310 --> 00:40:19,920 walk the walk, don't talk the talk. 717 00:40:20,180 --> 00:40:21,200 Yes. Yes. 718 00:40:21,630 --> 00:40:25,520 Because, you know, actions do speak louder than words. Mm-hmm. , 719 00:40:25,580 --> 00:40:29,600 you know, and, and I said that often enough, you know, yes, 720 00:40:29,730 --> 00:40:33,800 words are good. You have to have words because we, we have to communicate. 721 00:40:34,220 --> 00:40:36,400 But what are their actions? What are they doing Right. What's. 722 00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:37,180 The follow through? 723 00:40:37,180 --> 00:40:40,960 You know? And, and that, that is something that has 724 00:40:42,560 --> 00:40:46,200 cemented our relationship even more because through, 725 00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:50,040 through everything we have been through over the years, good and bad. 726 00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:52,880 I know you're there and you've got my back. 727 00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:56,000 I still get annoyed when you're surprised by it. I know, I know. Bitch, 728 00:40:56,030 --> 00:40:58,480 I've been here. Why are you looking surprised now? ? Yeah. 729 00:40:59,030 --> 00:41:02,160 Yeah. You know, and, and you know, I, 730 00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:05,760 I hope you can say that I have your back as well. Wouldn't. 731 00:41:05,760 --> 00:41:08,360 Be here otherwise. , I don't look, I do a, 732 00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:12,200 I do a lot of fucked up shit and I will fuck up, but I don't repeat mistakes. 733 00:41:12,340 --> 00:41:16,040 And I went through a 12 year mistake and I'll never be there again. 734 00:41:16,220 --> 00:41:18,800 I'm a lot harder now than I was 'cause of that I can, 735 00:41:19,030 --> 00:41:22,520 even if I'm not quite right, my intuition will go, that's a situation that will, 736 00:41:22,740 --> 00:41:25,360 is like that other one. And I'm like, okay, we steer away from that. 737 00:41:25,440 --> 00:41:27,800 I just don't even have the tolerance for it anymore. Mm-hmm. 738 00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:32,200 , I mean, to me, you know, you're asking about, about effort. 739 00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:38,400 I, I think the best way I could explain that 740 00:41:39,620 --> 00:41:43,840 is, you know, there are times, um, you know, kinda like last night, 741 00:41:44,790 --> 00:41:49,160 alright, um, I was cooking, so technically it was your turn to do dishes. 742 00:41:49,180 --> 00:41:53,360 Mm-hmm. . Okay. Um, I know you were out running around, 743 00:41:53,540 --> 00:41:57,640 boy had appointment, you had errands and stuff. So, you know, 744 00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:01,080 I went ahead and preloaded the dishwasher. Yeah. 745 00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:01,800 You'd done half the. 746 00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:03,120 Dishes before I even go home. I I, you know, 747 00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:05,720 before you even got home that was done. And dinner with cooking, you know, 748 00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:08,120 I didn't sit there and say, well, you know, I'm not gonna worry about it. 749 00:42:08,130 --> 00:42:12,120 She's doing the dishes tonight. No, you're off. You've got so much going on, 750 00:42:12,180 --> 00:42:14,840 you're gonna be just as tired. Let me take care of this. 751 00:42:15,220 --> 00:42:17,960 So it's less for you when mm-hmm. the time comes. 752 00:42:18,330 --> 00:42:22,320 Ironically, you last week when I was cooking like all fucking week, 753 00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:25,680 em you reduced mm-hmm. Dishes all, all week. Yeah. Oh, that's such a drag. 754 00:42:25,680 --> 00:42:29,200 If you're not the person who likes to cook or likes to do the dishes Yeah. 755 00:42:29,340 --> 00:42:32,200 To do it every fucking day. Right. Ugh. So by the end of the week, 756 00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:36,160 I was doing as many of the dishes for you as I cook. So I was like, right. 757 00:42:36,340 --> 00:42:38,600 It is his turn. This is the agreement we made. Right. 758 00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:41,960 And he has not asked for something different. Mm-hmm. , but also I, 759 00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:45,720 I know how much of a drag this can be. What can I do to help? 760 00:42:45,980 --> 00:42:49,000 How can I alleviate? And part of that's me being a service sub. Mm-hmm. Like, 761 00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:53,000 that's just part of it. But part of it is the partnership. Right. It's the, 762 00:42:53,300 --> 00:42:57,040 I'm thinking of your wellbeing as much as I'm thinking of my own, 763 00:42:57,060 --> 00:43:00,240 and often because I am a service hub, I'm thinking of your wellbeing. Mm-hmm. 764 00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:03,040 more than I'm thinking of my own. Right. You are a caregiver Dom, 765 00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:05,840 you are absolutely thinking of my wellbeing. 766 00:43:05,890 --> 00:43:08,320 Caregiving is right there in the fucking name. Yeah. 767 00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:13,760 . But, but there again too, you know, you know, someone may say, well, 768 00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:16,600 you know, what do you do in that for she's your sub, you know, you know. 769 00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:18,800 I don't have a lot of tolerance for that bullshit. 770 00:43:18,940 --> 00:43:22,840 No. That, and that's exactly what it is. It's bullshit because, you know, 771 00:43:24,240 --> 00:43:27,400 I could cook every night of the week and you could do the dishes and, 772 00:43:27,460 --> 00:43:30,840 and you'd just drag down like, no, that's what she does. Oh, I. 773 00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:34,440 Know. That's a, a lack of empathy that just fucking pisses me off. 774 00:43:34,680 --> 00:43:37,760 . And, and, and yet, you know, I've said this time and time again, 775 00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:39,400 time and time again, you know, 776 00:43:41,300 --> 00:43:45,640 as a sub you can only give so much and if your well isn't filled, 777 00:43:45,640 --> 00:43:47,880 you've got nothing left to give mm-hmm. . So, you know, 778 00:43:47,940 --> 00:43:50,360 you need some of that back just as much. Right. 779 00:43:50,860 --> 00:43:53,800 And I think that's where, that we go back to the teamwork thing, right? Yeah. 780 00:43:53,800 --> 00:43:55,560 Like the power exchange. 781 00:43:55,580 --> 00:43:58,360 And this is where I do think people get confused and they tend to be people 782 00:43:58,360 --> 00:44:02,680 either with not a lot of experience or they're stuck in their one. 783 00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:05,040 True wam, I don't have much tolerance for that either. 784 00:44:05,200 --> 00:44:10,120 I have no tolerance for that. Let's be real. Um, where in the power exchange, 785 00:44:10,700 --> 00:44:15,640 the dom does this mm-hmm. The sub does that and never the tween shall meet. 786 00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:19,520 Right. Like it's a give and take, but oh, there's a child texting me, 787 00:44:19,680 --> 00:44:23,960 they'll wait. Um, but there's this, you know, 788 00:44:23,960 --> 00:44:28,440 there's this very clear demarcation of what 789 00:44:28,900 --> 00:44:33,480 you do versus what I do. Yeah. And the reality is, 790 00:44:33,740 --> 00:44:36,680 is that that is perfect world scenario. Mm-hmm. , 791 00:44:36,870 --> 00:44:41,480 that is how we want it to work on a good day, on an ideal day. Yeah. 792 00:44:41,480 --> 00:44:45,440 In an ideal world, the things we negotiate and navigate and say, 793 00:44:45,620 --> 00:44:49,240 you do these things and I do, that is how we want it to work. 794 00:44:49,420 --> 00:44:51,080 But the reality is mm-hmm. 795 00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:52,920 is that life will get in the fucking way, 796 00:44:52,930 --> 00:44:54,680 especially when life gets hard. 797 00:44:55,780 --> 00:44:59,840 And so there has to be this expectation that that's one, 798 00:44:59,840 --> 00:45:03,640 that's just not how it's going to work all the time. Right. And two, 799 00:45:04,050 --> 00:45:07,880 there needs in, in a, in a healthy relationship, 800 00:45:08,040 --> 00:45:11,960 there is enough empathy to look at the other person. 801 00:45:13,620 --> 00:45:14,390 And quite frankly, 802 00:45:14,390 --> 00:45:17,040 this is how it should be in any relationship to look at the other person, 803 00:45:17,180 --> 00:45:20,400 not just for what they provide because of their role dom or sub, 804 00:45:21,180 --> 00:45:24,040 but for who they fucking are as a person, right? Mm-hmm. like, 805 00:45:24,040 --> 00:45:28,800 yeah, I'm your surface sub and I have xy I got this list of shit I do. Right? 806 00:45:28,800 --> 00:45:30,840 Yeah. And then there's the things I just do without being asked. 807 00:45:31,040 --> 00:45:33,440 'cause it brings me joy and it helps you and all of that. 808 00:45:34,460 --> 00:45:37,920 But also I'm gonna, and we've talked about this, I'm gonna get sick, 809 00:45:38,300 --> 00:45:39,760 I'm gonna be tired. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. , 810 00:45:39,760 --> 00:45:41,440 I'm gonna have a hard day. Um. 811 00:45:42,300 --> 00:45:46,840 You know, I, I think it was you that sent this to me in a reel 812 00:45:48,030 --> 00:45:50,280 well back, or at least told me about it in some way, 813 00:45:50,340 --> 00:45:55,120 and I wish I remember who it was to give him credit and you may know, but it, 814 00:45:55,180 --> 00:45:59,320 it was like a, a relationship hack, I guess so to speak mm-hmm. 815 00:45:59,360 --> 00:46:03,280 where the couple would check in with each other. Mm. 816 00:46:03,530 --> 00:46:05,760 Where where are you at today? Oh, I'm, I'm. 817 00:46:06,210 --> 00:46:06,960 Brene Brown. It. 818 00:46:06,960 --> 00:46:09,480 Was Brene Brown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Um, you know, I'm, 819 00:46:09,540 --> 00:46:13,320 I'm kind of at 40% mm-hmm. today and you know. 820 00:46:13,980 --> 00:46:16,760 Can I pick up the other Yes. 60 if we're trying to get to a hundred. 821 00:46:17,210 --> 00:46:20,480 Right? Right. Mm-hmm. and, and I that, that's a marvelous thing. 822 00:46:20,480 --> 00:46:21,313 Mm-hmm. . 823 00:46:21,580 --> 00:46:25,120 And, and the, the reality is, and I this is not just, 824 00:46:25,120 --> 00:46:28,360 if you're like us and you're 24 7 and you live together and you're building a 825 00:46:28,360 --> 00:46:32,440 life together, this is true. Even if you're online only, you're long distance. 826 00:46:32,440 --> 00:46:35,520 Mm. You're situationally power exchange. Right. Like, 827 00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:38,040 there's specific times when you are and specific times when you're not. Right. 828 00:46:38,620 --> 00:46:43,360 Having empathy for the other person means you are gonna do a 829 00:46:43,420 --> 00:46:48,400 put a little bit more or different effort in to help them 830 00:46:48,460 --> 00:46:49,400 as a human being. 831 00:46:49,460 --> 00:46:54,280 And because they are in this relationship with you and not 832 00:46:54,500 --> 00:46:57,200 say, well that sucks to suck. I'm the dom, you said you'd do this, 833 00:46:57,620 --> 00:47:01,000 do this thing. Mm-hmm. . And they're, and I'm gonna blame Doms. 834 00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:02,800 And it's not just Doms and I know that, 835 00:47:02,900 --> 00:47:07,280 but there are too many air quote doms who think that 836 00:47:07,790 --> 00:47:10,360 they want a thing and the person said they would do the thing. 837 00:47:10,360 --> 00:47:13,280 And then that's all that matters. Now, there are subs out there. I've, 838 00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:15,560 I've seen them, I've not come across 'em personally, 839 00:47:15,560 --> 00:47:20,160 but I lurk online who think that they're Dom is a kink dispenser. 840 00:47:20,580 --> 00:47:23,720 And it's like, well in here, and I'll tell you the irony, 841 00:47:23,720 --> 00:47:25,600 there are a lot of people who are like, well, 842 00:47:25,600 --> 00:47:27,480 they said they would do this thing, they're supposed to do this thing. 843 00:47:28,100 --> 00:47:32,360 And it's like, okay, have just, just a, a little bit of empathy and go, 844 00:47:32,540 --> 00:47:35,680 but what's actually going on? The other problem though mm-hmm. , 845 00:47:35,680 --> 00:47:40,560 and this is where I think that not always, 846 00:47:40,660 --> 00:47:42,960 but a lot of submissives will, 847 00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:47,760 some are sometimes putting in more effort than their partner is and or the 848 00:47:47,760 --> 00:47:51,800 relationship is hard and it's not a mutual back and forth hard work teamwork 849 00:47:51,800 --> 00:47:52,510 kind of thing. 850 00:47:52,510 --> 00:47:57,000 Because I have gotten recently too many 851 00:47:57,400 --> 00:48:00,040 messages and emails from submissives who are like, 852 00:48:00,780 --> 00:48:03,960 my dom does literally nothing that they agreed to do, 853 00:48:04,580 --> 00:48:09,520 but I know that they're super stressed and I know they have a hard job and I 854 00:48:09,520 --> 00:48:12,320 know there's a lot going on. And here's the thing mm-hmm. , 855 00:48:13,030 --> 00:48:17,800 that can still be an okay situation of where life just got 856 00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:21,120 hard and now the effort that you might be putting in as the submissive is to try 857 00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:22,880 to be understanding and empathetic and blah, blah blah. 858 00:48:23,180 --> 00:48:25,440 But there will come a point, 859 00:48:25,540 --> 00:48:28,880 and I don't know who's where your line in the sand is, 860 00:48:29,140 --> 00:48:31,640 but there ought to come a point where it's like, yeah, 861 00:48:31,640 --> 00:48:35,360 but where Dom who is stressed and can do none of the things you agreed to do, 862 00:48:35,360 --> 00:48:38,440 where the fuck is just a, a 10th of some effort. 863 00:48:38,690 --> 00:48:42,680 Where is a sincere conversation with me where is, hey, 864 00:48:42,740 --> 00:48:45,200 you had 10 minutes where you were like, 865 00:48:45,540 --> 00:48:49,280 the life wasn't fucking you up. Can we try to connect? 866 00:48:49,330 --> 00:48:52,680 Where is the attempt to keep a connection open? Mm-hmm. . 867 00:48:52,860 --> 00:48:57,400 And every time I read, I know that my own past colors, 868 00:48:57,540 --> 00:49:00,160 how I look at it, I understand most of my biases, 869 00:49:01,100 --> 00:49:04,080 but when I get those messages of somebody who's like, 870 00:49:04,710 --> 00:49:06,640 they said they would do this, they said they would do that, 871 00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:09,280 they said they would do this, and they do none of it. 872 00:49:09,540 --> 00:49:12,000 And I talk to them and I bring it to their attention and, 873 00:49:12,220 --> 00:49:15,480 and I know how stressed they are and I know how busy they are. And I'm like, 874 00:49:16,180 --> 00:49:17,013 you know what 875 00:49:19,630 --> 00:49:24,240 John Brownstone was with his both sister and mother 876 00:49:24,700 --> 00:49:26,520 as they were fucking dying. 877 00:49:28,220 --> 00:49:31,760 And I never once doubted my dom, 878 00:49:32,220 --> 00:49:33,520 you couldn't do the do things, 879 00:49:33,900 --> 00:49:38,400 but you did your best in these high fucking tension moments 880 00:49:38,820 --> 00:49:41,400 to stay connected to me as you could mm-hmm. . 881 00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:45,760 So my tolerance for I can never do these things that I keep telling you I'm 882 00:49:45,760 --> 00:49:50,720 gonna do because of stress is a little bit lower because this is one 883 00:49:50,720 --> 00:49:53,680 of those few moments and it won't, it does not fit every situation. Okay. 884 00:49:54,300 --> 00:49:58,080 If they wanted to, they would Now though, if they wanted to, 885 00:49:58,080 --> 00:50:01,440 they would thing is a slippery slope because sometimes you wanna do a lot of 886 00:50:01,440 --> 00:50:03,600 shit that you physically cannot fucking do. Okay. 887 00:50:03,940 --> 00:50:05,360 That's not what I'm talking about here. 888 00:50:06,860 --> 00:50:10,960 If my dom is going through a high stress time, like, you know, 889 00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:14,720 the past four fucking years have been in different ways at different times. 890 00:50:15,080 --> 00:50:19,720 , I'm not shuttled to the side. 891 00:50:20,340 --> 00:50:23,200 No. We will have a conversation and you'll go, here are the things I, 892 00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:27,080 I can't do this. I'm trying to do that. We do get into, and a lot of people do, 893 00:50:27,220 --> 00:50:30,440 we do get into that thing of, we, we try real hard to, 894 00:50:30,440 --> 00:50:33,400 to keep maintain it mm-hmm. and then it gets too much. 895 00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:35,360 But we don't wanna let the other person down so we don't say anything. 896 00:50:35,360 --> 00:50:37,680 And then one of us has to like yank it outta the other and we get into an 897 00:50:37,680 --> 00:50:40,440 unnecessary argument. Right. And then we're like, once the dust settles, 898 00:50:40,440 --> 00:50:42,840 we actually work through it and go, oh, okay. We still like one another . 899 00:50:42,910 --> 00:50:43,743 Yeah. 900 00:50:45,700 --> 00:50:50,000 But when I say if they wanted to, they would, it's not that they, they, 901 00:50:50,000 --> 00:50:52,920 whoever they is would do everything they said they would do. Mm-hmm. 902 00:50:52,960 --> 00:50:53,840 . It's that they, 903 00:50:53,940 --> 00:50:57,600 and in this case power exchange will at least try to stay connected. Oh yeah. 904 00:50:57,670 --> 00:50:58,600 They would, you know, 905 00:50:58,790 --> 00:51:01,400 they will send a text even though they've got no time for anything else. 906 00:51:01,630 --> 00:51:04,880 They will make some amount of effort. 907 00:51:04,910 --> 00:51:08,640 When we're talking about this specifically being hard versus hard work. Mm-hmm. 908 00:51:08,680 --> 00:51:09,480 , they will, 909 00:51:09,480 --> 00:51:11,240 to the extent that they have the energy and the capability, 910 00:51:11,240 --> 00:51:14,240 they will put in what their level of hard work can be. Right. 911 00:51:14,240 --> 00:51:15,480 And that will change and vary. 912 00:51:15,640 --> 00:51:17,080 I mean, for, but they will attempt it. When I, 913 00:51:17,080 --> 00:51:19,560 when I was down taking care of my mother and I was staying there, 914 00:51:20,360 --> 00:51:25,080 I looked forward to talking to you in the evening because that was like my one 915 00:51:25,300 --> 00:51:27,200 little thread to sanity. Mm-hmm. . 916 00:51:27,300 --> 00:51:28,640 Mm-hmm. , because, uh, 917 00:51:28,740 --> 00:51:33,640 our relationship was meaning is meaningful enough that that thread 918 00:51:33,640 --> 00:51:34,760 to sanity is, there's a spark. 919 00:51:34,760 --> 00:51:36,480 It's a little bit of a light at the end of the tunnel. Mm-hmm. , 920 00:51:36,580 --> 00:51:40,440 is it our full ass fucking power exchange? Of course not. Circumstances would, 921 00:51:40,440 --> 00:51:44,880 not, would, were not allowing for it. But the connection was there. 922 00:51:45,180 --> 00:51:50,120 You didn't go down there and go through a high stress situation and do what 923 00:51:50,220 --> 00:51:52,240 way too fucking many people do and go, 924 00:51:52,500 --> 00:51:54,920 I'm just not gonna communicate with you for the next eight weeks. Yeah. 925 00:51:55,040 --> 00:51:58,920 'cause I have to focus on this fucking thing and I can't focus on you. Now, 926 00:51:58,920 --> 00:52:00,840 sometimes I'll be charitable. 927 00:52:01,070 --> 00:52:05,400 Sometimes it's because that person has convinced themselves that if they can't 928 00:52:05,400 --> 00:52:07,040 give their full 100%, 929 00:52:07,700 --> 00:52:12,080 it is not worth it to give even a 1%. And the problem is, 930 00:52:12,080 --> 00:52:13,480 is the partner who's left behind is like, 931 00:52:13,480 --> 00:52:17,440 I would take your one fucking percent because it's that important to me. 932 00:52:18,060 --> 00:52:22,880 And you were off doing some of the hardest things we have to do as human beings 933 00:52:23,580 --> 00:52:26,600 in our whole fucking life. You've done it twice now. 934 00:52:26,750 --> 00:52:28,720 Hopefully we can just stop now. Yeah. Right. 935 00:52:29,500 --> 00:52:33,280 And all you had was 1% to give and you still fucking gave it. 936 00:52:33,280 --> 00:52:38,000 That was the effort you could put in, because if you wanted to, you would. 937 00:52:38,660 --> 00:52:42,480 And that's the fallacy. I think a, you know, people get into and, 938 00:52:42,540 --> 00:52:45,160 and I think sometimes it's from, 939 00:52:45,510 --> 00:52:49,280 from cis men with toxic masculinity and patriarchy fucks us all over. 940 00:52:49,380 --> 00:52:52,120 And that's an example of it where I can't give you a hundred percent, 941 00:52:52,120 --> 00:52:54,880 so I'll give you nothing. I'll just, I'll, 942 00:52:55,030 --> 00:52:59,800 I'll focus on this one situation and pretend nothing else exists for 943 00:53:00,120 --> 00:53:01,800 whatever a person's reasons might be. Mm-hmm. . 944 00:53:01,940 --> 00:53:06,200 But all you do is you just now have made that relationship hard 945 00:53:06,550 --> 00:53:11,320 because you're not even giving your 1% of effort. 1% of effort is a text a day. 946 00:53:11,320 --> 00:53:15,560 There were times that's all you could do. Yeah. I got a good morning text, 947 00:53:15,560 --> 00:53:18,960 or I got a middle of the day text. You had 10 seconds to yourself. 948 00:53:18,960 --> 00:53:20,880 And you know what you did? You were like, I wanna, 949 00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:24,040 I wanna talk to my baby girl for these 10 fucking seconds. 950 00:53:24,440 --> 00:53:27,000 'cause that's all I have, have. So when I say if they wanted to, they would. 951 00:53:27,000 --> 00:53:28,000 That's what the fuck. I mean, 952 00:53:28,980 --> 00:53:32,600 it doesn't mean you do every single thing you want to do. That's not possible. 953 00:53:32,670 --> 00:53:34,960 Like, our bodies won't allow it. Our minds won't allow it. 954 00:53:34,960 --> 00:53:38,480 Our lives won't allow it. But you'll still put in the effort. 955 00:53:38,670 --> 00:53:39,340 Yeah. 956 00:53:39,340 --> 00:53:41,120 And that, and that is where I see 957 00:53:42,770 --> 00:53:46,840 tends to be the air quote doms and sometimes the toxic sobs 958 00:53:47,860 --> 00:53:50,680 who talk the, the big game. 959 00:53:51,100 --> 00:53:54,640 But if it can't be exactly as they negotiate it, they don't want it. 960 00:53:54,640 --> 00:53:57,480 They don't wanna put the effort in. They did the quote hard thing by going here, 961 00:53:57,480 --> 00:54:01,520 we'll do this thing. And then the moment there's a challenge somewhere. Yeah. 962 00:54:01,520 --> 00:54:03,880 Maybe life gets hard, maybe something gets weird. 963 00:54:04,060 --> 00:54:05,640 But see they remove all effort. 964 00:54:05,950 --> 00:54:09,360 From it and, and see they're done. That's, that's, that's the fallacy of it all. 965 00:54:09,760 --> 00:54:13,480 I think that a lot of people fall into it. Well, we, 966 00:54:13,660 --> 00:54:17,400 we did the hard work front to negotiate the relationship mm-hmm. 967 00:54:17,440 --> 00:54:19,800 Okay. And, 968 00:54:19,900 --> 00:54:23,600 and what each of us expect and are going to do. 969 00:54:24,380 --> 00:54:29,040 So it's done. We don't have to do anymore. Yeah. Shit. Okay. No, no, it's not. 970 00:54:29,040 --> 00:54:32,120 We're just getting started. . Yeah. That's just the beginning. Well. 971 00:54:32,120 --> 00:54:33,880 And you know, when you negotiate the Parkinsons, 972 00:54:33,880 --> 00:54:36,120 you negotiate again in this ideal world Yeah. 973 00:54:36,120 --> 00:54:39,120 When everything is going exactly perfect here, the things we will do mm-hmm. 974 00:54:39,160 --> 00:54:41,920 . And it's, as you start to live your power, 975 00:54:41,940 --> 00:54:44,640 and I don't mean you live together 24 7, I mean, 976 00:54:44,640 --> 00:54:47,800 you start to live life with power exchange as part of it. Right. 977 00:54:48,110 --> 00:54:50,680 Then you have to start the, and this is where, 978 00:54:50,710 --> 00:54:54,400 this is effort and this is hard work, the navigation of, okay, 979 00:54:54,400 --> 00:54:56,720 it's not an ideal day. So how do we do this? 980 00:54:57,270 --> 00:54:59,520 What does this look like when life's gone to shit. 981 00:54:59,760 --> 00:55:02,000 ? You know, I I I know I have a thing. I, 982 00:55:02,200 --> 00:55:04,840 I guess I like using the house analogy, you know, 983 00:55:04,840 --> 00:55:09,320 because I always said in the be, you know, years ago, the foundation is, 984 00:55:09,320 --> 00:55:12,640 you know, your and, and everything else. But you know, it's, it's, 985 00:55:12,670 --> 00:55:16,910 it's like a house. You don't just buy a house and, 986 00:55:16,970 --> 00:55:20,350 and it's effortless. Right. You know, you do nothing. No. There, 987 00:55:20,350 --> 00:55:23,110 there's maintenance, there's upkeep, there's this, there's that. 988 00:55:23,890 --> 00:55:27,230 You gotta put in the effort. Right. You gotta put in the fricking effort. 989 00:55:27,370 --> 00:55:29,710 And if you're not willing to put in the effort with this person, 990 00:55:30,500 --> 00:55:34,310 this person is not your person. I'm not saying the effort's easy. 991 00:55:34,610 --> 00:55:38,190 You might not want it to be hard. I don't think any of us want the hard work. 992 00:55:38,220 --> 00:55:39,750 Like, I'm willing to put the effort in. 993 00:55:39,790 --> 00:55:41,310 I just wish sometimes it wasn't hard work. Yeah. 994 00:55:41,390 --> 00:55:43,630 I wish sometimes JB communicated with me perfectly. 995 00:55:43,890 --> 00:55:46,510 The moment the disconnect occurred. We had a conversation. 996 00:55:46,530 --> 00:55:48,110 That's not how this works, right? Mm-hmm. , 997 00:55:48,370 --> 00:55:51,750 but there's never a point, no matter how hard life gets or how, 998 00:55:52,050 --> 00:55:56,470 how frustrated we get with one another because some things repeat and you know, 999 00:55:56,770 --> 00:55:59,190 the issues we have have repeated over the years, 1000 00:55:59,620 --> 00:56:01,590 even as they get a little bit easier each time. 1001 00:56:02,290 --> 00:56:04,150 But it's never not worth it to me. Right. 1002 00:56:04,330 --> 00:56:06,270 So if like you're a person in a power exchange going, 1003 00:56:06,270 --> 00:56:07,310 but I don't wanna put in the effort, 1004 00:56:07,420 --> 00:56:10,070 then get the fuck outta there and leave that person alone to go find their 1005 00:56:10,070 --> 00:56:12,510 person. Right. And if you're the person who's like, 1006 00:56:12,550 --> 00:56:15,950 I put in all the effort and they put in none of the fucking effort, 1007 00:56:15,970 --> 00:56:17,910 and this relationship is hard, 1008 00:56:18,500 --> 00:56:21,270 they're not your person and they're not worth your time. No. It'll hurt. 1009 00:56:21,450 --> 00:56:22,990 I'm not telling you pull 'em back from them, 1010 00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:25,960 them or getting outta that or whatever. It won't hurt. Of course it will. 1011 00:56:25,980 --> 00:56:26,880 It can be a heartbreak. 1012 00:56:26,940 --> 00:56:31,680 It can feel like you've just spent all this time and all this energy. 1013 00:56:31,700 --> 00:56:35,680 Now that's wasted. I think I'm not good with, uh, economics, y'all. 1014 00:56:35,800 --> 00:56:40,320 I think it's the sunk cost fallacy. It's this idea. I'm not, 1015 00:56:40,660 --> 00:56:43,440 oh, I'm gonna say it wrong on, on economic thing things, 1016 00:56:43,460 --> 00:56:46,920 but it's this idea that you've put in so much money, time, effort mm-hmm. 1017 00:56:46,960 --> 00:56:51,840 that if you back away and withdraw that money, time, effort, 1018 00:56:52,040 --> 00:56:52,873 whatever is a waste. 1019 00:56:53,060 --> 00:56:56,480 And so people will stay because of how much they've already put into it. 1020 00:56:57,320 --> 00:56:59,600 I think I got that right. Somebody correct me if I'm wrong. Okay. 1021 00:56:59,600 --> 00:57:02,400 But I think that's how sunk cost fallacy, it's how I understand it. Mm-hmm. 1022 00:57:02,440 --> 00:57:03,273 , okay. Mm-hmm. . 1023 00:57:03,300 --> 00:57:05,520 And so there are absolutely people who will go, well, 1024 00:57:05,520 --> 00:57:08,720 I've been together with 'em all this time. We've negotiated this power exchange. 1025 00:57:09,140 --> 00:57:13,440 It was great 10 years ago, even though it sucks right now, you know, 1026 00:57:13,550 --> 00:57:15,880 I've worked so hard, I've, I've, 1027 00:57:16,120 --> 00:57:18,680 I did the hard part of meeting the person and trusting them. Mm-hmm. 1028 00:57:18,720 --> 00:57:20,160 mm-hmm. whatever, whatever, whatever. 1029 00:57:20,260 --> 00:57:22,040 And then they go, well, I can't back out now. 1030 00:57:23,120 --> 00:57:28,040 I did that for 11 years and 364 fucking days 1031 00:57:28,400 --> 00:57:33,040 . And then on that 365th day, I went, Nope, 1032 00:57:33,100 --> 00:57:36,520 I'm done. Because it wasn't worth what I had put in anymore. 1033 00:57:36,820 --> 00:57:39,760 I'd gotten so little back that I, I finally, 1034 00:57:40,030 --> 00:57:44,320 finally heated my best friends at FI and went, I can do bad by my damn self. 1035 00:57:45,120 --> 00:57:48,720 I kind of wish more people would embrace that way of thinking, , 1036 00:57:49,060 --> 00:57:52,840 if you are not adding to my life, if you are not enhancing it, 1037 00:57:53,580 --> 00:57:56,440 if I'm not a better sub because of the dominant that I have, 1038 00:57:56,440 --> 00:57:59,800 what the fuck are we doing here together? Mm-hmm. , if I, you know, 1039 00:57:59,980 --> 00:58:04,360 if life, sometimes life is really fucking bleak, 1040 00:58:05,020 --> 00:58:08,760 and if your person is not at least a little bit, at least some of the time, 1041 00:58:08,830 --> 00:58:11,800 your bright spot, what the fuck are you doing there? Yeah. Right. 1042 00:58:12,040 --> 00:58:17,040 I mean, one thing I've, I have always believed since coming into the, 1043 00:58:17,060 --> 00:58:21,600 uh, in, into the lifestyle as you're dom, 1044 00:58:24,080 --> 00:58:27,080 I should not be breaking you down. I should be building you up. 1045 00:58:27,500 --> 00:58:31,560 And as your sub, I am going to support you. 1046 00:58:32,420 --> 00:58:35,120 But as a grown ass woman who's been through some shit, 1047 00:58:35,500 --> 00:58:38,440 I'm only gonna support a person who supports me the fuck back. 1048 00:58:38,900 --> 00:58:43,760 I'm not a doormat. No. I'll bend my knee. I will lay on this ground for you. 1049 00:58:44,070 --> 00:58:47,760 I'll beg you to walk on me because that sounds hot sometimes in certain 1050 00:58:47,770 --> 00:58:50,360 situations. But I'm not a fucking doormat. 1051 00:58:51,640 --> 00:58:55,240 I will put in as much work as you will put in now. Mm-hmm. . 1052 00:58:55,380 --> 00:58:56,180 The reality is, 1053 00:58:56,180 --> 00:58:59,000 is sometimes because we go back to where we talked about the relationships being 1054 00:58:59,000 --> 00:58:59,760 50 50. Yeah. 1055 00:58:59,760 --> 00:59:03,400 Sometimes the amount of effort you can give is not at the same amount of effort 1056 00:59:03,480 --> 00:59:04,313 I can give. Right. 1057 00:59:04,350 --> 00:59:08,800 Sometimes what you are able to do and how much energy you have and what's going 1058 00:59:08,820 --> 00:59:10,920 on for you as an individual mm-hmm. 1059 00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:15,480 is going to mean that you don't have as much to give. 1060 00:59:16,340 --> 00:59:20,040 But because you have given so much over the years, 1061 00:59:20,380 --> 00:59:24,400 it is much easier to go. I can give extra, 1062 00:59:24,680 --> 00:59:28,680 I can keep us going. I can be the one, the strong one, 1063 00:59:28,740 --> 00:59:31,080 the whatever one the or organized one. Mm-hmm. 1064 00:59:31,120 --> 00:59:33,520 the difference though is the moment I started to feel like, 1065 00:59:33,520 --> 00:59:37,760 oh shit, I can't, I can come say something to you. Right. Because we're a team. 1066 00:59:38,090 --> 00:59:41,280 Right? Right. We're doing this together mm-hmm. , 1067 00:59:41,540 --> 00:59:46,120 and it's okay that sometimes JBS at a 10% for the day. 1068 00:59:46,620 --> 00:59:48,840 And it, even if I don't have 90%, 1069 00:59:48,840 --> 00:59:53,680 sometimes my 45% is enough to get us fucking through. 1070 00:59:53,680 --> 00:59:54,160 Right. Right. 1071 00:59:54,160 --> 00:59:55,440 Gets gets it through. Yeah. Because. 1072 00:59:55,500 --> 00:59:59,560 The differences is, is I go back to what I said, we can't all give a hundred, 1073 00:59:59,620 --> 01:00:03,280 but even at your worst moments at the lowest you've ever been, 1074 01:00:03,280 --> 01:00:05,240 you had at least 1% to give. Yeah. 1075 01:00:05,460 --> 01:00:08,560 You were still gonna make sure that we, 1076 01:00:08,590 --> 01:00:11,200 that through line between the two of us with our power exchange and our 1077 01:00:11,200 --> 01:00:14,200 relationship, there was a connection. Mm-hmm. . And that's, 1078 01:00:14,700 --> 01:00:17,160 that's what makes the difference. It goes back to what we said. 1079 01:00:17,160 --> 01:00:21,200 I think at the top though, we, you say the things and then you follow through. 1080 01:00:22,480 --> 01:00:23,920 I said I would do the things and I do them. 1081 01:00:23,940 --> 01:00:25,600 You say you'll do the things and you do them. Mm-hmm. . 1082 01:00:25,600 --> 01:00:28,760 So guess what? Now I have the trust to understand that, that you will, 1083 01:00:28,820 --> 01:00:29,653 and when you don't, 1084 01:00:29,710 --> 01:00:32,800 that means there's a problem and we need to talk about it and figure out what do 1085 01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:35,240 you need that you're not getting mm-hmm. when, hi, I mean, 1086 01:00:35,440 --> 01:00:39,160 I can watch your mental health tank. I can see it as it's happening. 'cause we. 1087 01:00:39,500 --> 01:00:40,520 You Yeah. You, well. 1088 01:00:40,520 --> 01:00:43,120 We live together, so I look at you every fucking day. Right. But two, 1089 01:00:43,120 --> 01:00:47,960 like I know you well enough and that is a moment where sometimes 1090 01:00:48,040 --> 01:00:51,840 I have to pull back and go, you didn't have any fucking thing to give. 1091 01:00:51,940 --> 01:00:54,520 But where, how, how are we gonna navigate this together? 1092 01:00:54,740 --> 01:00:57,600 And there are times where you haven't been the dom you want to be, 1093 01:00:58,660 --> 01:01:02,600 but you have always still been a team player. 1094 01:01:02,780 --> 01:01:06,320 You've always been like, okay, I'm still in this. I'm not fully myself. 1095 01:01:06,380 --> 01:01:10,880 You know, depression, life situations, money, stress, injury. 1096 01:01:11,090 --> 01:01:12,000 Right. Like. 1097 01:01:12,430 --> 01:01:13,263 Yeah. 1098 01:01:13,610 --> 01:01:17,120 First you got hit by a fucking car. , 1099 01:01:18,100 --> 01:01:19,680 can we please never do that again? 1100 01:01:19,710 --> 01:01:22,600 Believe me, it's not on my list of things to do again. Okay. No. You know, 1101 01:01:22,600 --> 01:01:23,880 tried it once, didn't like it. 1102 01:01:24,210 --> 01:01:26,440 Cross that off the bucket list. Okay. Yeah. Um, 1103 01:01:27,780 --> 01:01:32,200 and so obviously there were times you weren't the dom you wanted to be because 1104 01:01:32,200 --> 01:01:36,080 you'd been the partner and the dom you had, you know, it, 1105 01:01:36,460 --> 01:01:38,840 it wasn't easy, but it was worth it. Yeah. 1106 01:01:38,840 --> 01:01:41,560 To put in more effort than you could put in mm-hmm. . 1107 01:01:41,820 --> 01:01:44,040 But those are situational and those are understood. 1108 01:01:44,820 --> 01:01:48,080 And it's never one of us doing it a hundred percent of the time and the other 1109 01:01:48,080 --> 01:01:51,000 one doing 0% of the time. I mean, it's, it's not how it works. 1110 01:01:51,220 --> 01:01:52,053 You know, 1111 01:01:52,070 --> 01:01:56,640 I've told you I've been through financial difficulties 1112 01:01:56,660 --> 01:01:57,493 before. 1113 01:01:57,500 --> 01:01:58,333 Mm-hmm. . 1114 01:01:59,020 --> 01:01:59,853 And, um, 1115 01:02:00,460 --> 01:02:04,080 not saying that I like what we're going through right now mm-hmm. 1116 01:02:04,120 --> 01:02:07,120 or have been going through. But, um, , 1117 01:02:08,770 --> 01:02:11,790 I'm glad it is us together. Mm-hmm. 1118 01:02:11,830 --> 01:02:12,790 , I'm glad I'm not, 1119 01:02:13,630 --> 01:02:16,830 I wouldn't wanna just go through something with another person so I could say 1120 01:02:16,850 --> 01:02:17,750 I'm not alone. Mm-hmm. . 1121 01:02:17,750 --> 01:02:21,000 And a lot of people get stuck in relationships 'cause they just don't wanna be 1122 01:02:21,000 --> 01:02:23,240 alone, even if that other person sucks. 1123 01:02:24,060 --> 01:02:26,200 And that is really true of power exchange, 1124 01:02:26,290 --> 01:02:29,280 especially if somebody is in a bit of a frenzy. 1125 01:02:30,380 --> 01:02:34,320 But I'm glad I'm going through it with you because I've been through some of the 1126 01:02:34,320 --> 01:02:36,120 things we're going through. Not the getting hit by a car, 1127 01:02:36,120 --> 01:02:37,360 haven't been through that with somebody else, 1128 01:02:37,540 --> 01:02:38,960 but some of the things we've been through, 1129 01:02:39,200 --> 01:02:41,160 I went through them in my twenties and lemme tell you, 1130 01:02:41,260 --> 01:02:45,920 am I pissed that I'm in my forties? life is repeating itself. 1131 01:02:45,990 --> 01:02:46,640 Yeah. 1132 01:02:46,640 --> 01:02:47,220 . Yeah. 1133 01:02:47,220 --> 01:02:51,920 But I went through it in a relationship was that was hard with the other person, 1134 01:02:51,940 --> 01:02:55,240 was not my partner. Yeah. I've been through that. I can tell the difference. 1135 01:02:55,740 --> 01:02:57,960 And that is how it's like, yeah, I'll, 1136 01:02:58,030 --> 01:03:02,360 I'll pick up the slack for the time I need to do it because I know you're gonna 1137 01:03:02,360 --> 01:03:05,840 pick up the slack when it's your turn. Yeah. And, and that's a knowing thing. 1138 01:03:06,000 --> 01:03:10,000 I can't give anybody a checklist of look for these behaviors and you'll know if 1139 01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:12,160 your partner is putting an effort. It's, it's a thing. 1140 01:03:12,240 --> 01:03:16,800 I think you just feel in your bones. You just, you know Right. 1141 01:03:16,830 --> 01:03:18,920 When the other person is in it with you mm-hmm. 1142 01:03:18,960 --> 01:03:21,240 'cause of all of their past actions. Yeah. 1143 01:03:21,670 --> 01:03:26,520 Yeah. And, and I I'm sorry, I've been called out, um, uh Oh. Silences said. 1144 01:03:26,520 --> 01:03:28,920 We know you've tried it twice. You're right. I, I forgot. 1145 01:03:29,160 --> 01:03:31,400 I forget about the first time. Um, 1146 01:03:31,940 --> 01:03:35,000 we talked about I think last month when I was hit by a car on a bicycle. 1147 01:03:35,860 --> 01:03:36,840 Oh, when you were younger? 1148 01:03:36,870 --> 01:03:38,120 When I was younger. Oh, forget about. 1149 01:03:38,320 --> 01:03:38,800 I was not. 1150 01:03:38,800 --> 01:03:40,800 A part of that one. So I don't worry about that. I tried it once, 1151 01:03:40,810 --> 01:03:43,680 tried it again. It is definitely not something I want to do. 1152 01:03:43,860 --> 01:03:48,680 And I said it wrong. You got hit by a literal fucking car. Yeah. Yeah. . 1153 01:03:51,620 --> 01:03:52,340 So, uh, 1154 01:03:52,340 --> 01:03:56,400 so I think I have thoughts on this and I think those thoughts make me ranty 1155 01:03:58,010 --> 01:04:02,920 blame my past relationships. Mm-hmm. . Um, I don't, 1156 01:04:03,400 --> 01:04:06,000 I think I've, I think I've ranted and made my throat hurt as much as I can. 1157 01:04:06,140 --> 01:04:09,160 Now. I think, you know, I I think there was a lot to be said for this, you know, 1158 01:04:09,500 --> 01:04:13,800 um, and, and to just kind kind of coin it into a, 1159 01:04:14,440 --> 01:04:15,760 a nutshell, dude, you're. 1160 01:04:15,760 --> 01:04:16,680 Better than me. If you could put it all. 1161 01:04:16,740 --> 01:04:20,320 In a nutshell, you know, um, relationships shouldn't be hard. Mm-hmm. 1162 01:04:20,540 --> 01:04:23,600 Are they work, do they take effort? Yes. And, 1163 01:04:23,600 --> 01:04:27,040 and it takes both parties to put that work and effort in. 1164 01:04:27,380 --> 01:04:31,560 And sometimes the, the situation you find yourself in is hard, long distance. 1165 01:04:31,740 --> 01:04:32,440 That's hard. 1166 01:04:32,440 --> 01:04:33,273 That's hard. Yeah. 1167 01:04:33,300 --> 01:04:36,160 And, and a lot of people can't and won't do it because it's, 1168 01:04:36,230 --> 01:04:38,440 it's too hard for them. That's like that, that's their point. Mm-hmm. 1169 01:04:38,480 --> 01:04:40,520 , they're not gonna go through. That's fine. That's fine. 1170 01:04:40,670 --> 01:04:43,240 That to me is an example of life being hard. Mm-hmm. 1171 01:04:43,280 --> 01:04:44,840 the connection between you and the other person. 1172 01:04:45,620 --> 01:04:49,080 God damnit especially in power exchange, where like you just, 1173 01:04:49,140 --> 01:04:52,720 you just flail yourself open for the other person every moment of the fucking 1174 01:04:52,720 --> 01:04:56,720 day. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. , that should not be hard. No. The situation. 1175 01:04:56,950 --> 01:05:00,520 Yeah. Sometimes it, it is, it just life is gonna fuck us. Mm-hmm. 1176 01:05:00,560 --> 01:05:01,393 all of us. 1177 01:05:01,660 --> 01:05:05,880 But if the other person is not your bright spot, 1178 01:05:06,180 --> 01:05:09,400 the thing that no matter how dark and bleak it gets, you go. But they're there. 1179 01:05:09,790 --> 01:05:11,240 They're there. Yeah. 1180 01:05:11,460 --> 01:05:15,680 And that feeling and the effort you're putting in is not being reciprocated. 1181 01:05:17,300 --> 01:05:22,200 No, no, no. You cannot by yourself 1182 01:05:23,710 --> 01:05:28,680 outwork a relationship that is is, is broken from the beginning. No, 1183 01:05:28,860 --> 01:05:29,840 you, you can't, the, 1184 01:05:30,520 --> 01:05:35,160 I say it as somebody who tried for 12 god damn years, 1185 01:05:36,340 --> 01:05:40,980 you can't work hard enough for the other person to make the whole thing work. 1186 01:05:41,320 --> 01:05:43,020 You just can't. So, 1187 01:05:43,480 --> 01:05:46,900 but I can rant about this forever and we've got to stop at some point. Yes, 1188 01:05:46,900 --> 01:05:51,790 you did. So I think, I think, uh, that, 1189 01:05:51,810 --> 01:05:56,230 uh, that's all I got. Mm-hmm. , I could keep going. I don't, I. 1190 01:05:56,430 --> 01:05:57,350 I know you could, you always could. 1191 01:05:57,590 --> 01:06:01,630 I know. I don't know how to wrap this one up. I hope somebody out there, 1192 01:06:03,570 --> 01:06:04,910 you don't have to have a light bulb moment. 1193 01:06:05,000 --> 01:06:07,710 Maybe there's a little spark in you that goes, oh, 1194 01:06:07,710 --> 01:06:11,910 maybe I have some things to think about or, right. Oh, 1195 01:06:12,640 --> 01:06:14,030 maybe I need to reconnect. 1196 01:06:14,030 --> 01:06:16,790 Maybe what we're we are is disconnected and we need to reconnect. 1197 01:06:17,120 --> 01:06:21,990 Maybe that person's not worth my fucking time. like whatever, whatever. 1198 01:06:22,280 --> 01:06:23,430 Spark, . Mm-hmm. . 1199 01:06:23,430 --> 01:06:23,910 Mm-hmm. may. 1200 01:06:23,910 --> 01:06:27,670 Have, may have been lit for you. I hope that, that this could help. Yeah. Um, 1201 01:06:29,010 --> 01:06:29,770 okay. 1202 01:06:29,770 --> 01:06:33,140 Okay. So, uh, are we, are we good? Yeah. We'll. 1203 01:06:33,140 --> 01:06:36,300 Do a bonus section. I don't know what we'll talk about, but we'll do it . 1204 01:06:36,400 --> 01:06:37,233 All right. Okay. 1205 01:06:38,480 --> 01:06:39,380 It kin y Keep the kinky all. 1206 01:06:39,870 --> 01:06:42,540 We'll see you next week and also Friday night. 1207 01:06:51,750 --> 01:06:52,583 Daddy. 1208 01:06:53,880 --> 01:06:54,780 Yes, baby girl. 1209 01:06:56,200 --> 01:07:00,740 Can I talk to the crickets instead of ranting at them? ? 1210 01:07:02,520 --> 01:07:04,300 I'm probably pissing somebody off. . 1211 01:07:05,240 --> 01:07:07,300 Go ahead, talk to the crickets. Okay. 1212 01:07:09,220 --> 01:07:13,740 I don't know what to talk about. . You got anything? 1213 01:07:13,930 --> 01:07:17,820 Yeah, I do. Okay. Matter of fact. Okay. So, um, last weekend, 1214 01:07:18,250 --> 01:07:21,100 this past weekend, the, uh, 18 year old was home. 1215 01:07:21,680 --> 01:07:22,513 Yes. 1216 01:07:23,160 --> 01:07:24,700 And, uh, he 1217 01:07:26,450 --> 01:07:31,420 took the motorcycle endorsement course and passed and he 1218 01:07:31,420 --> 01:07:36,140 now has his, um, motorcycle endorsement. 1219 01:07:36,600 --> 01:07:37,980 Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. 1220 01:07:38,020 --> 01:07:41,300 . And, uh, this entire week, 1221 01:07:41,320 --> 01:07:46,260 he and I have been conversating about going back and forth about him purchasing 1222 01:07:46,300 --> 01:07:47,500 a motorcycle. Mm-hmm. 1223 01:07:47,540 --> 01:07:50,660 . Mm-hmm. . Yep. 1224 01:07:54,890 --> 01:07:55,820 Yeah. Yeah. . 1225 01:07:55,940 --> 01:07:56,400 I have. 1226 01:07:56,400 --> 01:07:57,100 All the thoughts and. 1227 01:07:57,100 --> 01:07:58,380 Feelings. You do. You do. You do. 1228 01:07:58,600 --> 01:08:02,220 And somebody out there is going, why don't you just tell your kid he can't? 1229 01:08:02,220 --> 01:08:06,780 Okay. Well, if I wanted him to rush out and do it within five minutes, 1230 01:08:06,960 --> 01:08:10,500 that's exactly what I would do. I would go, you can't do that. 1231 01:08:10,500 --> 01:08:13,180 You're not allowed . Uh, I'd get the biggest Fuck you. 1232 01:08:13,200 --> 01:08:15,680 And he'd do it faster right now, 1233 01:08:16,150 --> 01:08:20,280 like letting him know that, you know, it's, I, 1234 01:08:20,460 --> 01:08:24,440 I'm anxious for him, but Yeah. He's at least taking it slow. 1235 01:08:24,860 --> 01:08:29,000 He is, he's, he's taking it slow. He's taking it very seriously. Um, 1236 01:08:29,390 --> 01:08:34,200 he's not looking to buy something that is, 1237 01:08:34,300 --> 01:08:38,440 um, fast. Mm-hmm. , um, 1238 01:08:39,740 --> 01:08:44,440 you know, he, he's not looking, he's looking at starter bikes. Yeah. You know, 1239 01:08:44,460 --> 01:08:45,480 as he should. Yeah. 1240 01:08:45,880 --> 01:08:49,480 I just, I, I'm, I think mm, 1241 01:08:51,620 --> 01:08:56,160 as somebody who got hi, not hit, like in, in a, 1242 01:08:56,180 --> 01:08:58,040 in a scary, crazy way, 1243 01:08:58,220 --> 01:09:03,080 but as somebody who got tapped by a car on his electronic scooter, I'm, 1244 01:09:03,340 --> 01:09:06,960 I'm just as, um, concerned, uh, 1245 01:09:08,350 --> 01:09:12,880 more so for the motorcycle and how that will go. Um, so yeah. 1246 01:09:12,880 --> 01:09:16,000 That's a big thing that we've been doing. You might be going over, uh, 1247 01:09:16,110 --> 01:09:17,080 this weekend. Yeah. 1248 01:09:17,630 --> 01:09:20,280 I'll be going up there to go look at some bikes. Yeah. 1249 01:09:20,460 --> 01:09:23,160 And you Yeah. You're making that trip without me mm-hmm. 1250 01:09:23,200 --> 01:09:26,760 and that's okay. I'll just never sleep again. If you get, 1251 01:09:26,760 --> 01:09:29,040 when you get a motorcycle, not because I have a problem with, 1252 01:09:29,110 --> 01:09:31,440 with anybody being a motorcycle. Mm-hmm. You have a fucking motorcycle. 1253 01:09:31,700 --> 01:09:35,800 We have dreams. I can't call them plans. They're dreams of when you replace it. 1254 01:09:35,800 --> 01:09:38,880 Right. And what you'll replace it with and how we're gonna like, you know. 1255 01:09:39,110 --> 01:09:42,560 Yeah. And, and you're right, it's not Yeah. It's, it's dreams right now. So. 1256 01:09:42,820 --> 01:09:45,200 But when you got hit by a literal fucking car, 1257 01:09:45,200 --> 01:09:47,000 you've been riding for how many fucking years? 1258 01:09:47,230 --> 01:09:48,120 Yeah. Right. 1259 01:09:48,230 --> 01:09:49,120 Yeah. , 1260 01:09:49,510 --> 01:09:54,080 that child got into a car an accident that nearly totaled our car when he had 1261 01:09:54,080 --> 01:09:58,640 been driving for three months. Yeah. And he, he was at least in a car . 1262 01:09:58,860 --> 01:10:03,240 So, pardon me if I'm skeptical. Anyway. Yeah. 1263 01:10:03,240 --> 01:10:06,640 That's the thing. Um, thanks. Hot wing for, uh, 1264 01:10:07,820 --> 01:10:11,000 the little reminder in live chat. We do wanna say thank you. Yes. Uh, 1265 01:10:11,000 --> 01:10:14,560 for a super chat we got in the middle of the stream. Um, 1266 01:10:16,160 --> 01:10:18,760 I, I read that as light blue dev, 1267 01:10:18,980 --> 01:10:23,680 but I don't know how the other person actually means for their name to be red. 1268 01:10:23,940 --> 01:10:27,760 So, hello and Thank you. Yeah. And that is very, very generous. Um, 1269 01:10:30,540 --> 01:10:33,600 and they said thank you for that very real section about people not being 1270 01:10:33,600 --> 01:10:35,440 skilled, educated, evolved, or whatever, 1271 01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:37,520 enough to break someone down and build them back up. 1272 01:10:37,700 --> 01:10:40,520 That's just immature and dangerous nonsense. You were fucking right. 1273 01:10:40,760 --> 01:10:41,350 . Yep. 1274 01:10:41,350 --> 01:10:43,640 That, that's where that's true. True. The fantasy. 1275 01:10:43,660 --> 01:10:47,080 Trying to become reality and mm-hmm. . Yeah. No, yeah. No, no. 1276 01:10:47,080 --> 01:10:48,480 No, no. Thank you. Thank. 1277 01:10:48,480 --> 01:10:50,240 You. Thank you. Um. 1278 01:10:52,140 --> 01:10:57,040 So yeah, I've, I've been going back and forth with him, uh, all week. You know, 1279 01:10:57,110 --> 01:10:59,320 he's been looking at bikes asking me, you know, what, 1280 01:10:59,670 --> 01:11:03,720 what I think is a good deal and, you know, the best way to purchase one. And. 1281 01:11:05,720 --> 01:11:10,720 I have, I was, if, if I didn't know my kid, I would say a lot more . 1282 01:11:10,720 --> 01:11:11,720 But I know my kid, 1283 01:11:13,910 --> 01:11:17,720 he's made many major life decisions out of pure pettiness and 'cause somebody 1284 01:11:17,720 --> 01:11:18,880 told him he couldn't, so. 1285 01:11:19,650 --> 01:11:20,483 Right. No. 1286 01:11:20,820 --> 01:11:21,653 I'm. 1287 01:11:21,820 --> 01:11:25,280 No, but you know what? He, he, I, 1288 01:11:28,400 --> 01:11:32,160 I, he bought a really good helmet. 1289 01:11:35,220 --> 01:11:39,560 All right. And, you know, I, I know how he is myself. 1290 01:11:39,760 --> 01:11:44,360 I didn't really, um, push the issue. I, you know, told him, you know, 1291 01:11:44,360 --> 01:11:48,800 this is what, and, and he went out and got him himself some good safety gear. 1292 01:11:50,040 --> 01:11:50,873 I know. 1293 01:11:52,460 --> 01:11:55,160 You know, so he's, he's taking it seriously. 1294 01:11:55,350 --> 01:11:57,400 He's he's thinking about what he's doing. 1295 01:11:59,760 --> 01:12:00,720 I know. I just. 1296 01:12:01,280 --> 01:12:02,560 I know, I know. 1297 01:12:03,620 --> 01:12:08,250 But he also had, I feel bad for him. We, he came home for the weekend. 1298 01:12:08,310 --> 01:12:10,050 We dropped him off Sunday afternoon. Yeah. 1299 01:12:10,350 --> 01:12:14,210 And that's when he discovered that his electronic scooter had been stolen. 1300 01:12:14,550 --> 01:12:15,970 Mm-hmm. . Um, 1301 01:12:16,310 --> 01:12:19,330 he still has not gotten me the information I need to put the claim in. 1302 01:12:19,570 --> 01:12:22,330 I I don't, he wouldn't actually get a lot back, 1303 01:12:22,390 --> 01:12:25,130 but he spent so much money on the damn thing. It's like, 1304 01:12:25,160 --> 01:12:30,130 this is what runner's insurance, it's four. So Yeah. 1305 01:12:30,270 --> 01:12:31,890 So that's, that's that kid. 1306 01:12:33,410 --> 01:12:38,130 A 14 year old is being a 14 year old. Yeah. And I'm, once again, 1307 01:12:38,790 --> 01:12:42,530 so a 14 year old has own stuff and, um, 1308 01:12:43,630 --> 01:12:48,570 you know, a lot of anxiety and that has sort of affected how he 1309 01:12:49,610 --> 01:12:53,490 navigates life. Mm-hmm. And some of that has been worked on and, 1310 01:12:53,830 --> 01:12:58,130 and he is, his true self is shining through mm-hmm. , 1311 01:12:58,200 --> 01:13:01,410 including the fact that he's a 14 year old child, . 1312 01:13:01,410 --> 01:13:02,030 Yeah. 1313 01:13:02,030 --> 01:13:04,970 And he we're outta stage now, um, 1314 01:13:06,340 --> 01:13:10,530 where I'm like, oh, this is why some eat there young in the wild. Okay. 1315 01:13:11,470 --> 01:13:14,810 And you know what's funny? We had that with the 18 year old. Yeah. Okay. 1316 01:13:14,830 --> 01:13:17,290 We absolutely fucking had it. Um. 1317 01:13:18,270 --> 01:13:20,050 You can get away with it, you know, like, 1318 01:13:20,060 --> 01:13:22,530 can't we just lock him in the closet until he is 18? 1319 01:13:23,440 --> 01:13:25,610 It's called abuse. No, you cannot. I know, right? 1320 01:13:25,640 --> 01:13:26,200 Yeah. 1321 01:13:26,200 --> 01:13:27,610 Darn. But it's sort of like, 1322 01:13:27,760 --> 01:13:31,450 it's sort of like childbirth where you go through it and it's really hard and 1323 01:13:31,460 --> 01:13:35,370 paint and blah, blah, blah, but then like the memory fades just enough. 1324 01:13:35,370 --> 01:13:36,450 You're like, yeah, I'll do that again. 1325 01:13:37,730 --> 01:13:39,490 Apparently these teenage years can be like that too, 1326 01:13:39,490 --> 01:13:44,010 because I remember wanting to pinch that child's little head off because those 1327 01:13:44,010 --> 01:13:47,850 teenage years, puberty is hard. And then it faded as, you know, 1328 01:13:47,850 --> 01:13:50,810 he matured whenever, and the youngest was still kinda like, oh, kid. 1329 01:13:51,510 --> 01:13:54,130 And now the youngest is going through it, and I'm like, oh my God. That's right. 1330 01:13:54,130 --> 01:13:54,710 That's right. 1331 01:13:54,710 --> 01:13:57,490 We gotta go through a couple years or I don't know if I like him or not. 1332 01:13:58,270 --> 01:14:01,930 So I can get to the point where I go, yes, I do like him. He's fine, he's fine. 1333 01:14:01,930 --> 01:14:05,730 Right. This is, this is the natural progression. He's he's a good kid. 1334 01:14:05,880 --> 01:14:09,970 He's just Yeah. A lot of I know mom. I know, I know. 1335 01:14:11,780 --> 01:14:14,320 Grunts. So many grunts. Yeah. Why? Oh, 1336 01:14:14,500 --> 01:14:19,000 and you speak to said child and why would they look at you or 1337 01:14:19,000 --> 01:14:22,800 acknowledge you, right. Or answer your question. Oh, God. 1338 01:14:23,360 --> 01:14:24,680 A lot are standing there going, um, 1339 01:14:24,820 --> 01:14:28,000 I'm not leaving this doorway until you acknowledge me. Like, we're not gonna. 1340 01:14:28,170 --> 01:14:29,003 Right. Right. 1341 01:14:30,140 --> 01:14:32,720 So parenting is fun. 1342 01:14:33,960 --> 01:14:34,793 . 1343 01:14:35,700 --> 01:14:38,600 Fur babies are good. Yeah, we're good. 1344 01:14:39,740 --> 01:14:41,240 You can wish all is still outside. 1345 01:14:41,500 --> 01:14:45,000 She is. She's sunning herself in this wonderful, wonderful weather recharging. 1346 01:14:45,000 --> 01:14:49,520 Her batteries. Solar powered dog. Solar powered. 1347 01:14:49,520 --> 01:14:53,360 Dog . Um, I said it before, I'll say it again. 1348 01:14:53,540 --> 01:14:58,160 We lived here since 2020 finally christened the office, 1349 01:14:58,500 --> 01:15:01,200 if you know what I mean. Yeah. If you know, you know, uh, 1350 01:15:01,220 --> 01:15:05,600 we are very relaxed as a result mm-hmm. . Yep. 1351 01:15:06,020 --> 01:15:10,760 We were very, very relaxed. Um, yeah. Um, 1352 01:15:10,900 --> 01:15:13,720 that's, uh, right now that's all I'm gonna say about that. 1353 01:15:14,120 --> 01:15:14,953 . 1354 01:15:15,950 --> 01:15:19,560 Like, I'm not gonna go, this is, this isn't my previous sex blogger. 1355 01:15:19,600 --> 01:15:24,440 I would go into details. Um, it's more that, like, 1356 01:15:24,740 --> 01:15:28,280 the thing I would talk about is where did this energy come from? 1357 01:15:28,380 --> 01:15:32,120 And I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm not gonna look a gift horse. 1358 01:15:32,140 --> 01:15:33,080 In the mouth. Don't look mouth. 1359 01:15:33,400 --> 01:15:38,200 . Right. Uh, but that's, 1360 01:15:38,200 --> 01:15:39,880 that's the reality of like, what, yeah. 1361 01:15:40,390 --> 01:15:41,020 What. 1362 01:15:41,020 --> 01:15:44,360 How is this happen? Mm-hmm. , what is going on? I'm, I'm mad. 1363 01:15:44,540 --> 01:15:46,640 I'm just confused. Right. So. 1364 01:15:47,060 --> 01:15:50,240 At any rate, we probably should say goodbye. We still have other stuff to do. 1365 01:15:50,660 --> 01:15:54,240 We always, we always have so much stuff to do. Yep. Um, 1366 01:15:55,390 --> 01:15:59,680 yeah. Mm-hmm. , that's it. That's us. Uh, Friday night, 1367 01:15:59,710 --> 01:16:02,120 October 20th, 9:30 PM Eastern Friday. 1368 01:16:02,120 --> 01:16:02,953 Nine out. Yep. 1369 01:16:02,980 --> 01:16:07,800 Uh, little talk, chat, answer questions, do other stuff. 1370 01:16:08,900 --> 01:16:13,360 Um, and yeah, I guess that's it. That's nice. I. 1371 01:16:13,360 --> 01:16:14,840 Guess we till Friday. Yeah. 1372 01:16:15,260 --> 01:16:19,240 Mm-hmm. . Yeah. Yeah. I'm discombobulated. You are. I know. 1373 01:16:19,460 --> 01:16:19,990 All right. 1374 01:16:19,990 --> 01:16:22,560 Okay. Let's say goodbye. Bye. Bye.