You are listening to the Loving B D Ss M podcast, episode three 70.
Kayla Lorde's here with the one, the only, the, uh,
. . I can't say that. . No. The podcast.
Checklist. No. We'll get banned.
Not the podcast.
Well, true.
But I'm not sure I should say that out loud. Anyway, it was a good morning.
Is what I gonna say. It was, it was a very good, very good start to the day.
Abs. Damn.
Let's just put it this way. We've lived and worked in this house for four years.
Mm-hmm. about three and a half, whatever. Yeah. Uh,
we finally christened the office. That's all I'm gonna say. That's.
True. Mm-hmm. .
. Anyway, that's not what this week's topic is about. . Uh,
this week we're talking about what we mean when we say power exchange
relationships shouldn't be hard, but they do require effort and hard work.
And we've said that in a lot of different ways across 369 episodes.
So, let's actually talk about what we mean.
Welcome to the Loving B D S M podcast. If this is your first time listening,
glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back Loving B D S M.
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the reason we can be these weirdos on the internet is in large part due to our
kinky community on Patreon.
That's true. Very true.
And we are grateful for every fucking one of you. We are.
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Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords,
that's patreon.com/kayla lords, or use the link in the show notes.
And yes, I'll keep talking even when you really need me to stop talking,
, I can't help it.
No, I know you can't help yourself.
Also, it's your fault. You did it to me today. You put me in a good mood.
I don't know what to tell you. You started it. You're right. I did. .
You're right. I did. I have no regrets, but you're right. I did. Mm-hmm.
. Mm-hmm. . Okay. The first thing, uh,
that I'm gonna say is that next week, actually,
Sunday, October 22nd, the Kry JB shop, our shop,
where I'm a shop elf, uh, it's gonna have a sale. Uh,
but we won't be able to tell you about that until the middle of next week, um,
because of the schedule we have. So I'm letting you know now that there's,
there's a sale coming up, and if you're like, Ooh,
I would like to buy Kinky Fucky toys at a slightly discounted price, uh,
you could subscribe to our newsletter. You'll one,
get a 10% off coupon when you do that.
But also you'll get notification about the sale when it happens. Mm-hmm.
. And actually, with our email list, uh, they get perks,
like knowing about a sale sometimes, like, technically the day before,
I'll be like, go ahead and use the coupon code now. , , because I,
I don't like, I'm not good with secrets. I want to tell you the good stuff.
I don't wanna hold it in , um, . So yes,
if you have been thinking about shopping, uh, at the Kry,
or you wanna shop again and you wanna know about the sales,
subscribe to the newsletter. We do not spam, we don't email often enough,
quite frankly. once or twice a month is about it. Uh, we should do more,
but we don't. Uh,
the other thing is that we are going live for our monthly
Friday night live stream thing we do on YouTube, uh, this Friday,
October 20th. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, it's coming up. .
We have a lot of stuff going on over the next few weeks, ,
and that's at 9:30 PM Eastern. Uh, assuming, uh,
mental and physical health is going well, and there's no, like,
craziness going on. We stay till about midnight our time. Every once in a while,
uh, I get distracted and I'm, we're there a little bit longer, but not always.
Um, so yeah, that is a part q and a part.
We just sitting around hanging out bullshit and talking about whatever. Uh,
typically it goes back to food,
beverage and whatever geeky, nerdy things we're into,
and we as like the collective group, that's what we end up talking about.
One never knows one, never fucking knows. Um, okay. So,
um, that is all I have for the announcements. Okay.
So we'll get into the actual topic where we're gonna try to
parse out what, how we view the idea that,
that we reject that relationships, power exchange or otherwise are hard. Right?
That's a co I mean, I hear that, I've heard that almost my whole life.
Somebody will say, oh, well, relationships are hard. Relationships are hard.
And I absolutely internalize that.
That's probably why I stayed in a bad relationship for 12 years, ,
because I was like, oh, well, if relationships are hard,
as the whole world has told me, and this is definitely hard as fuck,
clearly I'm doing something right. 'cause that's how relationships go.
But as you and I have said to one another and to y'all over the
years, what we've learned, I think probably together,
but you might've figured it out before you met me.
Relationships aren't supposed to be hard,
but they do require effort and hard work. Right.
So we're gonna talk about big difference between the two. Yes. And,
and if you haven't been in a relationship that's not hard,
just requires you to put some effort in.
You don't know the difference until you're in it.
And it is night and fucking day. Mm-hmm. to the point that I'm,
I am would find,
I find it both stressful and laughable to think that a relationship would be
hard again in the future. Like, I don't even have the tolerance for it. Mm-hmm.
, like, no, no, no. Do I need to work my ass off to do my part?
Yes. And 90% of the time, I'm capable of and willing to do that. Right.
Uh, but is it supposed to be excruciating? No.
. It's not supposed to be excruciating.
So we're gonna talk about how we view that these are, as always,
like our perspectives. Please know, a couple things. One,
we're talking about power exchange, but yes.
To the person who's gonna try and tell me later that this applies to all
relationships. We know it does, but we focus on power exchange here.
So that's what we are gonna talk about. But yes, it's transferable. It,
it's for every relationship type. Um, and two,
this is how we see it and how we define hard or difficult and how we define
effort. And it is okay if the things we say, oh, this is hard, and not,
not what we want and not worth it, differ from the things that you feel mm-hmm.
Are hard and not worth it. Okay. Just,
and who am I trying to reach with this one?
I think to a version of me out there that is slogging
through an excruciating relationship,
because they've been told by everybody.
They know that relationships are hard and that is bullshit. And I just wanna,
somebody out there needs to hear it. And I'm, I'm, I want it to hear,
we'll tell you it's bullshit.
Let's talk about why through the lens of power exchange specifically.
Okay. So have you had, I I'm gonna say yes. I think you have,
have you had relationships prior to us, obviously that are just hard.
Yes.
Have you had power exchange relationships that even if you had to look back on
it, you would go, that was just hard?
Not really. That's.
Good. That's good. That's.
Good. No, the
the non kink relationships that I'd been in were hard. Mm-hmm. .
Okay. Same. Um, it, it was a,
a struggle, a slog through mud.
. Yeah. And so you don't know usually till you're looking back at it.
Right. And you realize, oh wait, that's not how it's supposed to be. Mm-hmm.
, that doesn't have to be normal. Like, things get normalized. Yes.
It doesn't make them okay. Mm-hmm. .
And when you're in it and it's your day to day,
especially if the people around you are in such similar situations,
how do you know that there's something different or better out.
There? Yeah. You know, and I, I think a lot of it comes down to, and,
and I can say this for myself, um, it became
almost like a comfort.
Thing. 'cause it's the.
Thing, you know, because it's the thing, you know, and it's like, you know,
yeah.
There, there is something strong, powerful, and not always good about. Right.
The, I'll take the devil I know mm-hmm.
as opposed to the uncertain future Right.
That I don't have any experience with. Yeah.
Yeah. So, you know, and, and that,
that was something very difficult mm-hmm. to,
to break away from.
Oh, yeah. Uh, from my experience, and again,
I getting away from a hard relationship,
the kind that was not good for me mm-hmm. , um, I had to hit a,
a breaking point. And I think most people do.
I think the vast majority of people can be advised by the people who love them
and, and genuinely care about them. That, Hey, this is not good for you. Hey,
it doesn't have to be this way. You know, Hey, you,
you're putting up with shit you shouldn't put up with. Like,
whatever that might be. Mm-hmm. ,
I think many of us can't just hear that and go, oh, okay.
We have to get to our own internal point of, okay,
I'm done. I'm done. And the sad thing is some people never get there. Um,
true. But many of us do. And in my vanilla life, I,
I remember it,
I remember the moment that whatever had tethered me to that person
gone. Like the,
it had been stretched so thin by how hard everything didn't
have to be. But was that once it snapped, you could have been dead to me.
. . Oh, hope you don't get hit by a truck.
'cause I'm not even going blink this. This is gonna be hard for you. Um,
now in my kink life,
I've only had one other power exchange prior to you,
and it was so short-lived mm-hmm. that when that breakup occurred,
you know, I could look back and go, yeah. Uh, there was some,
some frenzy going on for me,
thankfully not to the point where I put myself in harm's way. Yeah.
But to the point that I ignored some of my own internal voices that were like.
Hmm.
Is this, is this exactly what you want? I was like, not even,
I was ignoring all of that. Right. 'cause it felt so good.
And when it was good between me and that person, it was amazing. Um,
but what I know now, and we've talked about this in different ways,
like in last week's episode on being silly, uh, you know,
I said that would have,
we would not have stayed together long term because I would've had to like not
allow that side of myself free reign.
Right. And it would've been sitting there just, just Right.
Bubbling under the surface. And eventually it's going to break out.
Exactly. Yeah.
And so I can also say that what that would've done was that that relationship
would've become difficult. It would've become hard. Mm-hmm.
not because I was with a bad partner,
or because, you know,
they were that douchey dom that wasn't real.
It would be because we were on certain levels incompatible.
Yeah.
And when you try to force yourself to be what the other
person, especially in power exchange, it's true everywhere,
but especially in power exchange,
when you try to mold yourself into the vision your partner has,
but it's not true to who you are. Mm-hmm. talking to all of my Mr.
Friends out there who have found themselves in that situation, I,
I think you're just, you're, you're asking for that relationship to become hard.
And the problem is, is that a lot of people will go, it is hard,
but this is effort. I'm putting in effort to be who my,
I'm gonna use the message here to be who my dom wants me to be.
And that's how this is supposed to be.
And, and see, that's, that's something that, you know,
through the years, I've seen a lot of in relationships, um, you know,
or hear somebody say, well, I really love this person. I really care for them,
but they need to change. Oh.
Yeah. Then you don't really love that person.
Then you don't really love that person.
You love that idea of who that person is supposed to be for you.
Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. , you know, and, and,
and even, even sometimes I've come across it in,
in kink, you know mm-hmm. , where, where, you know, someone says,
well, you know, I, I wanna break you and Right. You know,
shape you in, into.
There was a time when that whole,
I'm gonna break you and then raise you up to be the submissive I wanna be.
Mm-hmm. , I found that very, very hot. And quite frankly,
I found it at a time when I had,
I found it hot at a time when I had way too much control over my life.
'cause it was just me. It was just me and two little kids,
or it was me and a husband who didn't pull his fucking weight,
and I was over it and two little kids mm-hmm. .
And I was tapped out on having to make every decision,
having to control everything, having to, you know, be the one Right.
When that's not who I necessarily want to be all the time.
I didn't know that at the time, but, you know, looking back.
So when I realized that I'm submissive, I'm kinky, I want a kinky relationship,
I found it very intriguing and very erotic and something I was leaning
towards this idea of breaking down a submissive to build them back up. Mm-hmm.
, I am at this point, extremely skeptical of that because
I've already had life break me the fuck down.
I've had horrible partners break me the fuck down and
life didn't give a fuck. 'cause it doesn't,
and the partners weren't skilled enough to take care of my mental wellbeing
to, to build me back up. Like I just, I find it,
the fantasy of it is hot. I'll read that kinky fantasy Yeah.
All fucking day and get off on it and be like, mm-hmm. , yes,
let's do this. But in real life,
I think that if it has worked for anybody, like genuinely worked for somebody,
that is the exception. That is not the fucking rule.
Because most people can barely keep their own fucking shit together.
How are they so savvy and so much of an expert on,
on mental health and psychology that they have the ability to quote,
break a submissive and then build them back up without that submissive having
fucking trauma. Okay. life traumatizes me enough. Yeah.
I don't need my do to, to do it. What . So, you know,
again, the fantasy of it sounds great.
And there was that time in my early days where I was like, yes,
that's what I want. Mold me into the submissive you want me to be mm-hmm.
mm-hmm. except the danger of that,
and this is where that kinky relationship can become hard unnecessarily. Mm-hmm.
is that if your definition of who I am supposed to be
is not natural to who I am Right.
Is not the right fit for who I am mm-hmm.
and does not allow the real me to express
herself in the ways that are authentic to me. Mm-hmm. ,
all I have done is put on a costume that doesn't fucking fit. Right.
That's all I've done.
And, and, you know, let's, and.
Now I've made everything unnecessarily.
Hard. Let's, let's, let's move this into a, a a similar yet different thing, um,
where, where you hear a lot of people talking about, uh,
when it comes to brats mm-hmm. . Okay. Uh, you know,
I know the common term to use is bratt tamer.
Yeah. And I think some people use that tongue in cheek. Yeah.
Um, you know, I, I think, I don't know if this has been used,
I don't believe I've seen it,
but I think a more aptt term would be Bratt handler. Yeah. .
.
Okay. Yeah. Okay. Uh, because.
If you tame the bratt, then they're not a bratt anymore. They're.
Not a bratt anymore. Then.
Where's the fun?
Right. Where's the fun? You know? And, and that was one of the things with,
with you when I met you, you know, your,
your sassiness and, and your sense of humor. You know,
there was nothing that of you that I wanted to say that, you know, oh,
you need to change for us to, you know. Right. Um,
I loved you for who you are and what you are.
Right. And, and the, the pieces,
parts of us needed to fit in a compatible way in order for it to work.
Now, I made a list of notes to try to,
to try to keep this from going off the rails. a big part of that.
And I think this is another place where people get confused about relationships
are hard when they try to fit into the mold of either who they think they're
supposed to be, who they think their partner wants 'em to be mm-hmm.
Or who their partner wants them to be,
is that you should not have to fundamentally change everything about you to your
core to fit for a person. Right. However, compromise is important.
Yes. Like, yes, I can be the sassiest,
sassy mcss that ever fucking lived, but my compromises,
I gotta learn time and place my compromises.
I've gotta learn that sometimes this mouth will get me in trouble,
and regardless of my intentions mm-hmm. ,
you are gonna read it the wrong way and it's gonna hit you in the wrong way.
And you get to have those feelings.
And I have to decide that it's worth it
to me to temper myself to,
to tamp that down slightly in those situations. Mm-hmm. ,
because I'm gonna learn what you like, what you don't like. Right.
And then I have to make the decision, is that enough? You know,
is that something I'm willing to alter slightly? It doesn't remove my sass,
it just might mean that I go, oh, he's in a bad mood.
This ain't the fucking time right now. . Right. Yeah. Or, oh,
when I say that thing, it comes across as disrespectful.
Mm-hmm. not sassy. Okay. How can I shift slightly like that?
To me, that compromise is an example.
One of fucking million of the effort, the hard work part,
because sometimes you just wanna be out here fully in yourself,
just doing whatever the fuck comes to mind. Mm-hmm. mm-hmm.
. And it hurts the person that you care about.
And so then your job, once they've told you it,
it's bothered them or that there's like a,
a disconnect is to decide what you're gonna do about that.
That is fundamentally fucking different from going, oh, oh,
this is who I am, and who you approached and who I was and,
and said, you wanted me to be your dom to your sub, sub to your dom. Mm-hmm.
. Oh.
But this entire other list of characteristics is who I'm supposed to be to make
you happy. . And I'm sure it happens on both sides of the slash Yeah.
I don't have any doubt about that, but I just from experience know,
it happens to a shit ton of fucking submissives. They go like, think about this.
How many times do we get those emails of, well,
my partner said I have to do this, this, this, this and that to be a quote,
good sub or to do submission quote. Right. Right. Yeah.
But I don't like any of those things. So does that mean I'm a bad s sub? But no,
it means you're looking the wrong fucking person. not. Right. You're,
you're, you're, yeah. You're not doing something that's authentic to you.
Mm-hmm. . Right. Um, the other thing I wanna talk about,
because I think that a lot of people get this kind of mixed up
between relationships being hard mm-hmm. versus effort.
And it's the fact that sometimes life is fucking hard. Yes. Life is hard.
Mm-hmm. , um, life will throw you curve balls.
We've talked about this so many times.
We are in the ebb of the ebb and flow in life,
and I'm looking forward to fucking flow. Okay. Um,
and it's made life hard and sometimes hard.
A hard life, a hard moment in life can tear people apart.
It's so hard that they can't find their way kind of across that abyss.
But in general, the healthiest relationships, power exchange,
otherwise that I've ever come across, including our own. Mm-hmm. ,
but I mean, not just us, it's that when life gets hard,
it might take us a minute 'cause the stress will knock you the fuck out. Mm-hmm.
. But we go, okay, this thing is hard.
We will deal with it together. Right. It's that whole,
it's not me versus you. When there's conflict,
it's us versus the problem.
So when I say that relationships shouldn't be hard,
I don't mean that life won't be hard. Life. Like, lemme say it again.
Life will fuck you up. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Oh.
Yeah. Like in our personal experience, death injury,
financial stress.
life, life is very happy to throw the proverbial wrench into the gears.
Right. . But.
Then for, and I can't speak on it well,
so I'm not gonna try, but anybody living with chronic illness,
chronic pain, you know, a disability that means mm-hmm.
that their life is somehow fundamentally harder.
And that's a thing they have to deal with. Right. Like, all of that, like that,
that will make your life hard. Those things will be hard.
The person you're in a relationship with, God dammit, especially power exchange,
where we're already making ourselves so vulnerable,
so much more vulnerable than most of us do in a vanilla relationship.
That should be the thing that gives you strength that Yeah. Gives you,
allow, gives you a soft place to land, or a place to lean,
or just a fucking team member. Like.
Somebody who, and, and see, for me, that was something I do.
That was something that was, um,
difficult for me to accept in our relationship.
Uh, because in the past, and most relationships are had,
every time a problem came up, oh, well, I guess you gotta,
that's your problem. You gotta, that sucks for you. Yeah.
Yeah. And that boggles my mind when I'll,
you'll be going through something and I'm like, okay, how can I help? Or, oh,
here, here's what I, can I do this for you? Or, oh, you'll say,
I have this thing. I'm like, no, no. We have this thing we're going through.
And even now, after all this time,
you always get this look of kind of like wonder on your face of like,
what do you mean you're helping me? What the fuck you mean I'm,
what the fuck is that question? , not only am I your fucking wife,
right? Mm-hmm. and business partner. Yeah. I'm your submissive.
Like it's in the job description that I'll fucking help you .
And that's the other thing. Life is hard enough. Yeah.
A partner should not make it fucking harder. They should not.
And I think too many times people go back to that, oh, well,
relationships are hard. Or, and this can come from just mental health.
It can come from trauma. It can, from so many places, we internalize the, oh,
if it's hard, it's my fault. If they're not, if they want me to change,
that's a failing on my part.
If this feels difficult,
it is because I am somehow not doing something. And then that one,
I know from personal experience, that was, that is how I viewed a lot of life,
probably until my mid thirties. If it was hard,
I thought it was a failing on my part that I wasn't enough,
that I wasn't doing something right.
Not that I was in the wrong situation with the wrong person.
'cause I didn't have the experience of being in a relationship where we are the
right fit for one another and we work together through the
hard stuff. We put the effort in together to get through the hard stuff. Yeah.
I didn't have that life experience at all. No. I mean, back to childhood,
I didn't have that experience. So for me it was a lot of, well, what,
what do I need to do? How do I need to fix it? What,
how much harder do I need to work? You know what? Yeah.
And I would just take it all on my shoulders and go, life is hard.
Relationships are hard. Let me muscle through mm-hmm. . And.
But see, when you, when you do something like that in a relationship,
whether it's a, a non kink or, or kinky relationship, uh, you know,
in the end that is something that builds resentment and Yes. That,
that then makes the relationship hard. Now the.
Relationship is really fucking hard. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay. Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . So, you know,
when something like that happens. Absolutely.
And this is the thing I'll add to that because whew,
I just had some flashbacks to my non kink life.
You can't communicate your way out of that with a partner,
like we say all the time. If there's an issue in your relationship,
you've gotta communicate. Right. You've gotta talk to your partner. And Yes.
And that to me should always be the first line of defense that if something's
not right, something's not working. Attempt to communicate your needs,
your thoughts, your feelings to your partner.
That is how this is supposed to work. Mm-hmm. , but,
and this is another thing I put in my notes.
One partner shouldn't carry the whole fucking thing all the fucking time.
Now sometimes we, we care air quote this,
carry each other because one of us can't give as much as we normally would.
One of us is going through something, right? One of us has an injury,
an illness, a disability, like something. And yeah, you might c carry,
I want to air quote that. 'cause that sounds like, um,
that sounds like the other person doesn't participate and that's not true.
Mm-hmm. . But sometimes you don't have all of your all to give.
And so I'm gonna pick up air quote the slack and vice versa. That's fine.
But,
and I have had way too many non kink relationships be this way for me not to
recognize it now. Mm-hmm. ,
there's not enough communication in your power exchange or otherwise if the
other person's not fucking participating. That's true.
That is very true. Every.
You can't communicate your.
Way out of that. No. You can't. If, if someone's not, because there,
there comes the other part to it, you know, it's not going to work
unless both parties work together.
Right.
It goes back to where we did the episode over well over a year ago about being,
this is being teamwork. Mm-hmm. , we are a team. Yeah.
We are trying to get to the thing together. And it goes back to,
it is not you and versus me in conflict.
It is us versus whatever the problem is. Correct. Now,
sometimes it is not for us,
but in some cases it's you versus the other person because the conflict is the
relationship, right? Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. .
It is the fact that the other person is not participating or the other person
in, in power exchange specifically, and we talked about this a little bit,
I think last week or week before, that whole idea of dominance saying,
oh, it was in our,
our short form episode about getting your needs fulfilled as a submissive.
We talked about this idea that there are just too many fucking air quote doms
out there who think that the only thing that matters is getting their needs
fulfilled because they're the dom. And that's quote how this works.
It's not how this works.
That's not how it works.
Right. And at that point.
It's a give and take it.
That partner is the fucking problem. Mm-hmm. .
And it is you against them. Um, and that's one of those times you can't,
you can't have enough. There are,
there's no magic conversation that's gonna fix that. No.
That is an incompatibility where this person does not deserve your time,
energy, care, devotion, whatever, submission mm-hmm.
for my sub friends out there. Um, they don't deserve it at all.
And that relationship is too, is hard when it, that's not how this is supposed.
To be. Right. I mean, you know, look at, look at our relationship mm-hmm.
, um, 10 plus years now.
Yeah. In essence, no one this December will be 11 years since we've met each.
Other. Right. Yeah. So, you know,
our relationship has changed and morphed and evolved mm-hmm.
over those, you know, almost 11 years to, to fit who.
We're in the moment. Right.
You know, um, there was a time I went, you know,
got up every morning and went to work. Yep. There was a time you did that.
worked, worked, worked, worked a job. And you know, now that had,
that has changed and.
What submission looked like was a lot different then. Yes.
'cause the needs of the relationship and our power exchange were different.
Were different in that life versus this life. Correct. Mm-hmm.
. And, and you know, we, we talk about how,
we've talked about in the past, how with, with dss, um, you know,
you have to be fluid. Mm-hmm. goes for a relationship as well.
Absolutely. You know, you, you have to be fluid, you have to be able to,
to change. I mean, you know, at that, at that point, going back early on,
I went to, I went to a job every day.
You were at home building your freelance career. So, and taking.
Care of children at home for the first time in my fucking life.
Taking care of kids. You, at that time you were doing laundry, you were,
you know, cooking meals.
Domestic goddess.
Yeah.
I was a domestic troll at best . But I tried. I did my best. You did.
You did. You did a damn good job. One . No, no,
no, no. You did a damn good job.
But then things flipped. Mm-hmm. . Okay.
And then I had to readjust, you know, I took over a lot of the household roles.
Here's the thing that if our relationship wasn't,
we weren't who we are with one another. If we were not right for one another,
this is how I can see how life would've become hard in our power exchange.
When you retired, for lack of a better word mm-hmm.
from your career. Um, I had built up, we did that for,
we did that because you got out of That's the whole episode. Yeah.
I think it's episode 82 in the archives. Yeah. Um, but,
um, I,
you were able to do that with a bit of confidence because I had built my
business up so that Correct. We could fund our life for the most part mm-hmm.
. Um,
but because you had been working out of the home and I'd been working in the
home, I'd still been trying to do a lot of the domestic stuff. Correct.
Because your job wasn't just 40 hours a week. It was also the commute,
it was also the aggravation. Mm-hmm. ,
there was just a lot of stuff. Mm-hmm.
and I was home so I could do those things Right.
A little bit more easily. And the old me, who would've thought that,
um, whoever I was on day one is who I was supposed to be for fucking ever.
Mm-hmm. , um, would have tried to keep doing that.
Would've tried to say, well, my responsibilities mm-hmm. as,
as a a business partner are, here's my career as a,
a person who participates in this relationship.
I gotta bring in some money so we can eat and pay the mortgage.
But as a submissive, here's how I serve domestic chores,
cooking, like a lot of that kind of stuff. Mm-hmm. mm-hmm.
. And that was tied to my submission. Old me would've gone, well,
that's just what I gotta keep doing. 'cause that's who I am.
'cause that's who I was, you know, two years ago.
So that's who I gotta be today.
And it would have made the relationship hard because that would never have been
fucking sustainable. Right. The hard work,
the effort that has to be there for a relationship was me overcoming a
lot of my insecurities to sit you down and go, okay,
I'm happy to be the breadwinner. I have done that before in my relationships.
I can do that again. What I can't do,
'cause it's what I did in my previous relationships.
I cannot also be your domestic fucking goddess. Right. Goblin, whatever. Right.
Um,
we have to renegotiate what we do in our life that is not about
our power exchange.
Keeping a fucking household going is not about our power exchange.
That's just fucking life. We gotta live it.
But also that will take away service that I do.
So how do we replace that?
And that was an uncomfortable conversation to me because my previous experience
said, if you agree to do this thing, you just do it until you fucking die.
Until the wheels fall off. You, you never mm-hmm. ,
you never change. I was, I was probably late,
late thirties before I finally embraced the idea that, you know,
the thing I do in this one moment will, will never be the thing I do forever.
Like,
regardless of how much I love a routine and I like just can't handle things
changing too abruptly. The reality is is that you, it's the ebb and flow.
And so I initiated restructuring our power exchange mm-hmm.
and renegotiating our power exchange.
And that was an example of hard work slash effort. Yeah.
'cause if I had not done that, I would have made our relationship hard. Right.
And that we weren't.
Doing that. And that, and that is something, and I,
that was kind of a pivotal point for me. Mm-hmm. . Um,
because you know, what you, what you're saying about how, how it was handled,
you know, it, it makes me think about, you know, this,
this line from a song change isn't permanent, but change is Sure.
You know, it, it, everything's always gonna change. Always changing.
Yep. And I don't like it , my routine oriented brain doesn't like.
It, but it's gonna happen regardless. I.
Wanna know what to expect every moment. Yeah. Of every day. Thank you.
. You know, and,
and the reason that that was pivotal for me was because up until that time,
I had always had a job. Mm-hmm. ,
whether I was working for someone or I had my own business. Right. You.
Yeah.
You know, I, I got up every morning, I went out to work mm-hmm. .
Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. .
And, and that was a, a huge shock for me.
And it did take me some time to get over it and, and adjust.
Right. Because that was part of your identity. Yeah.
Especially you were born and raised a man in today's
patriarchal society. Right. Like,
the whole concept of who you are as a man is tied to the money
you earn and how you take care of a family and the job you have and who,
you know, we, we do love to like, you know,
shoot down patriarchy wherever we can. And this was a moment. Right.
Right.
Um.
I, so, you know, and, and that I I think was a point where,
you know, I realized, you know, yeah. This, and,
and this isn't gonna be permanent at some point, it's going to change. And,
and the funny thing is, what is it gonna become when we.
Understand that things will change?
And yet I'm still always surprised by how they change. Not that they change.
Yeah. 'cause it's always something I would never have expected. I have,
it's not easy. Mm-hmm. ,
but I have had to learn not to try to predict the future.
'cause I get it fucking wrong every time. Yeah. This, this, this thing we do
Couldn't, couldn't have predicted it. Right. Just couldn't have predicted it.
Yeah. Um,
I would like to touch on what we mean by effort. Okay.
Versus when it's hard.
I think a lot of people can probably think back to a relationship,
or maybe you're thinking of a current one and you're like, oh yeah, I know hard.
But the, the effort side of it, the hard work mm-hmm. . Right.
Which is to me, the distinction, the relationships are not, should not be hard,
but they do require hard work. They do require effort. Right.
Because you are two or more people who are constantly morphing and
changing and growing and having experiences that fucking alter everything.
Your life, your brain, chemistry, everything. Right. Um,
and unless you go live in a little cave somewhere,
it's always gonna happen. Right? Mm-hmm. . Um,
so what does effort look like, I guess is, is that part
How would you.
How, how would I, how would I Yeah. Describe that. Oh, um, .
Wow. I.
I know it. I can only do it kind of through examples. I can't really define it.
Yeah. The thing that comes to my mind when I think about it though,
is that when I was in relationships that were hard mm-hmm. ,
it was almost too easy not to really care about the other partner.
There was resentment. Mm-hmm. , there was, you know,
this feeling that I was a little bit on my own, um, before I finally went, yo,
I, we need a divorce. Get, get the fuck out. Yeah. And I finally hit that point.
There was a feeling of just not wishing I didn't have to be around them. Wish,
you know, just wishing everything could be different. Right.
Because everything was so fucking hard. The past few years for us,
by our personal standards, your results will vary. Life has been hard. Yes.
There have been some hard things, right? Mm-hmm. that have that.
We've had one after the other that, uh, thrown at us for a while there Yeah.
Challenged us, stressed us, scared us. Yeah. You know,
sleepless nights mm-hmm. like there's been shit.
And yet in the middle of all of that,
while I might wanna escape the stress and like, yes,
I can make up the scenario in my head of what life could look like.
It's never a removal of you or me from the situation.
It's never true. It's always, how are we going to get through it? Mm-hmm.
, because it is a, we, because that's the thing about effort.
It's a give and take back and forth.
It's a moment where there's no question about whether you're in it together
or not. When a relationship is hard, I think you feel very much alone.
Mm-hmm. when life is hard,
but you have a partner that's fucking participating,
it's still hard, but sometimes you feel, you just feel less alone. Yeah.
I'm not gonna say everybody just never feels alone when they're with the right
partner. Mm-hmm. , who's putting in the effort because we,
mental health will,
will fuck you up and stuff you're going through that maybe your partner just
cannot possibly understand will change how you view that. Right. Like, I'm not,
I'm not gonna try and say that's just how it always is,
but when we are connected to one another, we've talked about this a lot, right.
In the past mm-hmm. ,
it's easy to become disconnected in your power exchange because life will fuck
you up when we are connected.
I know I'm not alone in whatever's going on when we disconnect. Yeah.
I do feel slightly alone, but I hate that feeling.
And what I'm trying to change is not the situation we're in mm-hmm.
, but the disconnect because we are stronger together. Right.
Than apart. When,
when one of us like freaks out and goes off on this stress venture,
and the one other one freaks out and goes in a different direction on a
different stress venture. Mm-hmm. We are not working together.
We are not putting in the effort.
We are flailing by ourselves and everything gets harder when we
calm our tits just a little bit , and we sit down,
look each other in the eye and go, I fucking love you.
Do you still fucking love me? Right. And we have that moment where we're like,
that's right. You're my person and I chose you and Yes.
I don't want you to go anywhere. Right.
Then we're putting in the effort to get back to one another because
that's what we want ultimately. And we both want it,
and we both know we want it. Mm-hmm. .
And if there ever comes a point where one of us doubts it,
all we have to do is go. Yeah. Do you want me, do you wanna be here?
And the answer is a resounding yes that we feel in our fucking soul,
in our gut. Like, there's not a question about it. When a relationship is hard,
there's lots of questions about it. Yeah. There can be denial.
I'm not gonna lie to you. I fooled myself for 12 goddamn years. Right. Hmm.
They'll change, they'll be better. They'll be, they're saying the right things,
but their actions aren't. That's the other thing. Effort is he says,
I'm gonna go do this thing. I'm gonna work on this.
I'm apologize and I'm will not repeat that behavior.
And then that's what fucking happens when the relationship is hard and it's not
mutual effort.
A person can say all the right fucking things and then never follow through at
fucking all. If you wanna know,
are we both putting in the effort of a relationship and the hard work,
you're both participating to the extent that you can.
And it's not just empty words. Mm-hmm.
.
And my experience tells me when the relationship is hard,
it's a lot of empty words. It's a lot of,
I'll say the thing that the other person needs to hear. And in power exchange,
that's really scary because how many of us have had those relationships often
online, but not always. Mm-hmm. where they say everything. Right.
They talk about all the things we're gonna do together,
how they're gonna be your dumb, how they're gonna be your sub.
They're saying everything. Right.
And they're like literally like replicating the fantasy you've had in your head,
and then maybe you come together or maybe life gets a little tough and it's
like, it, it never happened. It's just, it's mm-hmm.
, I mean that, that kind of comes down to, you know, the old adage,
walk the walk, don't talk the talk.
Yes. Yes.
Because, you know, actions do speak louder than words. Mm-hmm. ,
you know, and, and I said that often enough, you know, yes,
words are good. You have to have words because we, we have to communicate.
But what are their actions? What are they doing Right. What's.
The follow through?
You know? And, and that, that is something that has
cemented our relationship even more because through,
through everything we have been through over the years, good and bad.
I know you're there and you've got my back.
I still get annoyed when you're surprised by it. I know, I know. Bitch,
I've been here. Why are you looking surprised now? ? Yeah.
Yeah. You know, and, and you know, I,
I hope you can say that I have your back as well. Wouldn't.
Be here otherwise. , I don't look, I do a,
I do a lot of fucked up shit and I will fuck up, but I don't repeat mistakes.
And I went through a 12 year mistake and I'll never be there again.
I'm a lot harder now than I was 'cause of that I can,
even if I'm not quite right, my intuition will go, that's a situation that will,
is like that other one. And I'm like, okay, we steer away from that.
I just don't even have the tolerance for it anymore. Mm-hmm.
, I mean, to me, you know, you're asking about, about effort.
I, I think the best way I could explain that
is, you know, there are times, um, you know, kinda like last night,
alright, um, I was cooking, so technically it was your turn to do dishes.
Mm-hmm. . Okay. Um, I know you were out running around,
boy had appointment, you had errands and stuff. So, you know,
I went ahead and preloaded the dishwasher. Yeah.
You'd done half the.
Dishes before I even go home. I I, you know,
before you even got home that was done. And dinner with cooking, you know,
I didn't sit there and say, well, you know, I'm not gonna worry about it.
She's doing the dishes tonight. No, you're off. You've got so much going on,
you're gonna be just as tired. Let me take care of this.
So it's less for you when mm-hmm. the time comes.
Ironically, you last week when I was cooking like all fucking week,
em you reduced mm-hmm. Dishes all, all week. Yeah. Oh, that's such a drag.
If you're not the person who likes to cook or likes to do the dishes Yeah.
To do it every fucking day. Right. Ugh. So by the end of the week,
I was doing as many of the dishes for you as I cook. So I was like, right.
It is his turn. This is the agreement we made. Right.
And he has not asked for something different. Mm-hmm. , but also I,
I know how much of a drag this can be. What can I do to help?
How can I alleviate? And part of that's me being a service sub. Mm-hmm. Like,
that's just part of it. But part of it is the partnership. Right. It's the,
I'm thinking of your wellbeing as much as I'm thinking of my own,
and often because I am a service hub, I'm thinking of your wellbeing. Mm-hmm.
more than I'm thinking of my own. Right. You are a caregiver Dom,
you are absolutely thinking of my wellbeing.
Caregiving is right there in the fucking name. Yeah.
. But, but there again too, you know, you know, someone may say, well,
you know, what do you do in that for she's your sub, you know, you know.
I don't have a lot of tolerance for that bullshit.
No. That, and that's exactly what it is. It's bullshit because, you know,
I could cook every night of the week and you could do the dishes and,
and you'd just drag down like, no, that's what she does. Oh, I.
Know. That's a, a lack of empathy that just fucking pisses me off.
. And, and, and yet, you know, I've said this time and time again,
time and time again, you know,
as a sub you can only give so much and if your well isn't filled,
you've got nothing left to give mm-hmm. . So, you know,
you need some of that back just as much. Right.
And I think that's where, that we go back to the teamwork thing, right? Yeah.
Like the power exchange.
And this is where I do think people get confused and they tend to be people
either with not a lot of experience or they're stuck in their one.
True wam, I don't have much tolerance for that either.
I have no tolerance for that. Let's be real. Um, where in the power exchange,
the dom does this mm-hmm. The sub does that and never the tween shall meet.
Right. Like it's a give and take, but oh, there's a child texting me,
they'll wait. Um, but there's this, you know,
there's this very clear demarcation of what
you do versus what I do. Yeah. And the reality is,
is that that is perfect world scenario. Mm-hmm. ,
that is how we want it to work on a good day, on an ideal day. Yeah.
In an ideal world, the things we negotiate and navigate and say,
you do these things and I do, that is how we want it to work.
But the reality is mm-hmm.
is that life will get in the fucking way,
especially when life gets hard.
And so there has to be this expectation that that's one,
that's just not how it's going to work all the time. Right. And two,
there needs in, in a, in a healthy relationship,
there is enough empathy to look at the other person.
And quite frankly,
this is how it should be in any relationship to look at the other person,
not just for what they provide because of their role dom or sub,
but for who they fucking are as a person, right? Mm-hmm. like,
yeah, I'm your surface sub and I have xy I got this list of shit I do. Right?
Yeah. And then there's the things I just do without being asked.
'cause it brings me joy and it helps you and all of that.
But also I'm gonna, and we've talked about this, I'm gonna get sick,
I'm gonna be tired. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. ,
I'm gonna have a hard day. Um.
You know, I, I think it was you that sent this to me in a reel
well back, or at least told me about it in some way,
and I wish I remember who it was to give him credit and you may know, but it,
it was like a, a relationship hack, I guess so to speak mm-hmm.
where the couple would check in with each other. Mm.
Where where are you at today? Oh, I'm, I'm.
Brene Brown. It.
Was Brene Brown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Um, you know, I'm,
I'm kind of at 40% mm-hmm. today and you know.
Can I pick up the other Yes. 60 if we're trying to get to a hundred.
Right? Right. Mm-hmm. and, and I that, that's a marvelous thing.
Mm-hmm. .
And, and the, the reality is, and I this is not just,
if you're like us and you're 24 7 and you live together and you're building a
life together, this is true. Even if you're online only, you're long distance.
Mm. You're situationally power exchange. Right. Like,
there's specific times when you are and specific times when you're not. Right.
Having empathy for the other person means you are gonna do a
put a little bit more or different effort in to help them
as a human being.
And because they are in this relationship with you and not
say, well that sucks to suck. I'm the dom, you said you'd do this,
do this thing. Mm-hmm. . And they're, and I'm gonna blame Doms.
And it's not just Doms and I know that,
but there are too many air quote doms who think that
they want a thing and the person said they would do the thing.
And then that's all that matters. Now, there are subs out there. I've,
I've seen them, I've not come across 'em personally,
but I lurk online who think that they're Dom is a kink dispenser.
And it's like, well in here, and I'll tell you the irony,
there are a lot of people who are like, well,
they said they would do this thing, they're supposed to do this thing.
And it's like, okay, have just, just a, a little bit of empathy and go,
but what's actually going on? The other problem though mm-hmm. ,
and this is where I think that not always,
but a lot of submissives will,
some are sometimes putting in more effort than their partner is and or the
relationship is hard and it's not a mutual back and forth hard work teamwork
kind of thing.
Because I have gotten recently too many
messages and emails from submissives who are like,
my dom does literally nothing that they agreed to do,
but I know that they're super stressed and I know they have a hard job and I
know there's a lot going on. And here's the thing mm-hmm. ,
that can still be an okay situation of where life just got
hard and now the effort that you might be putting in as the submissive is to try
to be understanding and empathetic and blah, blah blah.
But there will come a point,
and I don't know who's where your line in the sand is,
but there ought to come a point where it's like, yeah,
but where Dom who is stressed and can do none of the things you agreed to do,
where the fuck is just a, a 10th of some effort.
Where is a sincere conversation with me where is, hey,
you had 10 minutes where you were like,
the life wasn't fucking you up. Can we try to connect?
Where is the attempt to keep a connection open? Mm-hmm. .
And every time I read, I know that my own past colors,
how I look at it, I understand most of my biases,
but when I get those messages of somebody who's like,
they said they would do this, they said they would do that,
they said they would do this, and they do none of it.
And I talk to them and I bring it to their attention and,
and I know how stressed they are and I know how busy they are. And I'm like,
you know what
John Brownstone was with his both sister and mother
as they were fucking dying.
And I never once doubted my dom,
you couldn't do the do things,
but you did your best in these high fucking tension moments
to stay connected to me as you could mm-hmm. .
So my tolerance for I can never do these things that I keep telling you I'm
gonna do because of stress is a little bit lower because this is one
of those few moments and it won't, it does not fit every situation. Okay.
If they wanted to, they would Now though, if they wanted to,
they would thing is a slippery slope because sometimes you wanna do a lot of
shit that you physically cannot fucking do. Okay.
That's not what I'm talking about here.
If my dom is going through a high stress time, like, you know,
the past four fucking years have been in different ways at different times.
, I'm not shuttled to the side.
No. We will have a conversation and you'll go, here are the things I,
I can't do this. I'm trying to do that. We do get into, and a lot of people do,
we do get into that thing of, we, we try real hard to,
to keep maintain it mm-hmm. and then it gets too much.
But we don't wanna let the other person down so we don't say anything.
And then one of us has to like yank it outta the other and we get into an
unnecessary argument. Right. And then we're like, once the dust settles,
we actually work through it and go, oh, okay. We still like one another .
Yeah.
But when I say if they wanted to, they would, it's not that they, they,
whoever they is would do everything they said they would do. Mm-hmm.
. It's that they,
and in this case power exchange will at least try to stay connected. Oh yeah.
They would, you know,
they will send a text even though they've got no time for anything else.
They will make some amount of effort.
When we're talking about this specifically being hard versus hard work. Mm-hmm.
, they will,
to the extent that they have the energy and the capability,
they will put in what their level of hard work can be. Right.
And that will change and vary.
I mean, for, but they will attempt it. When I,
when I was down taking care of my mother and I was staying there,
I looked forward to talking to you in the evening because that was like my one
little thread to sanity. Mm-hmm. .
Mm-hmm. , because, uh,
our relationship was meaning is meaningful enough that that thread
to sanity is, there's a spark.
It's a little bit of a light at the end of the tunnel. Mm-hmm. ,
is it our full ass fucking power exchange? Of course not. Circumstances would,
not, would, were not allowing for it. But the connection was there.
You didn't go down there and go through a high stress situation and do what
way too fucking many people do and go,
I'm just not gonna communicate with you for the next eight weeks. Yeah.
'cause I have to focus on this fucking thing and I can't focus on you. Now,
sometimes I'll be charitable.
Sometimes it's because that person has convinced themselves that if they can't
give their full 100%,
it is not worth it to give even a 1%. And the problem is,
is the partner who's left behind is like,
I would take your one fucking percent because it's that important to me.
And you were off doing some of the hardest things we have to do as human beings
in our whole fucking life. You've done it twice now.
Hopefully we can just stop now. Yeah. Right.
And all you had was 1% to give and you still fucking gave it.
That was the effort you could put in, because if you wanted to, you would.
And that's the fallacy. I think a, you know, people get into and,
and I think sometimes it's from,
from cis men with toxic masculinity and patriarchy fucks us all over.
And that's an example of it where I can't give you a hundred percent,
so I'll give you nothing. I'll just, I'll,
I'll focus on this one situation and pretend nothing else exists for
whatever a person's reasons might be. Mm-hmm. .
But all you do is you just now have made that relationship hard
because you're not even giving your 1% of effort. 1% of effort is a text a day.
There were times that's all you could do. Yeah. I got a good morning text,
or I got a middle of the day text. You had 10 seconds to yourself.
And you know what you did? You were like, I wanna,
I wanna talk to my baby girl for these 10 fucking seconds.
'cause that's all I have, have. So when I say if they wanted to, they would.
That's what the fuck. I mean,
it doesn't mean you do every single thing you want to do. That's not possible.
Like, our bodies won't allow it. Our minds won't allow it.
Our lives won't allow it. But you'll still put in the effort.
Yeah.
And that, and that is where I see
tends to be the air quote doms and sometimes the toxic sobs
who talk the, the big game.
But if it can't be exactly as they negotiate it, they don't want it.
They don't wanna put the effort in. They did the quote hard thing by going here,
we'll do this thing. And then the moment there's a challenge somewhere. Yeah.
Maybe life gets hard, maybe something gets weird.
But see they remove all effort.
From it and, and see they're done. That's, that's, that's the fallacy of it all.
I think that a lot of people fall into it. Well, we,
we did the hard work front to negotiate the relationship mm-hmm.
Okay. And,
and what each of us expect and are going to do.
So it's done. We don't have to do anymore. Yeah. Shit. Okay. No, no, it's not.
We're just getting started. . Yeah. That's just the beginning. Well.
And you know, when you negotiate the Parkinsons,
you negotiate again in this ideal world Yeah.
When everything is going exactly perfect here, the things we will do mm-hmm.
. And it's, as you start to live your power,
and I don't mean you live together 24 7, I mean,
you start to live life with power exchange as part of it. Right.
Then you have to start the, and this is where,
this is effort and this is hard work, the navigation of, okay,
it's not an ideal day. So how do we do this?
What does this look like when life's gone to shit.
? You know, I I I know I have a thing. I,
I guess I like using the house analogy, you know,
because I always said in the be, you know, years ago, the foundation is,
you know, your and, and everything else. But you know, it's, it's,
it's like a house. You don't just buy a house and,
and it's effortless. Right. You know, you do nothing. No. There,
there's maintenance, there's upkeep, there's this, there's that.
You gotta put in the effort. Right. You gotta put in the fricking effort.
And if you're not willing to put in the effort with this person,
this person is not your person. I'm not saying the effort's easy.
You might not want it to be hard. I don't think any of us want the hard work.
Like, I'm willing to put the effort in.
I just wish sometimes it wasn't hard work. Yeah.
I wish sometimes JB communicated with me perfectly.
The moment the disconnect occurred. We had a conversation.
That's not how this works, right? Mm-hmm. ,
but there's never a point, no matter how hard life gets or how,
how frustrated we get with one another because some things repeat and you know,
the issues we have have repeated over the years,
even as they get a little bit easier each time.
But it's never not worth it to me. Right.
So if like you're a person in a power exchange going,
but I don't wanna put in the effort,
then get the fuck outta there and leave that person alone to go find their
person. Right. And if you're the person who's like,
I put in all the effort and they put in none of the fucking effort,
and this relationship is hard,
they're not your person and they're not worth your time. No. It'll hurt.
I'm not telling you pull 'em back from them,
them or getting outta that or whatever. It won't hurt. Of course it will.
It can be a heartbreak.
It can feel like you've just spent all this time and all this energy.
Now that's wasted. I think I'm not good with, uh, economics, y'all.
I think it's the sunk cost fallacy. It's this idea. I'm not,
oh, I'm gonna say it wrong on, on economic thing things,
but it's this idea that you've put in so much money, time, effort mm-hmm.
that if you back away and withdraw that money, time, effort,
whatever is a waste.
And so people will stay because of how much they've already put into it.
I think I got that right. Somebody correct me if I'm wrong. Okay.
But I think that's how sunk cost fallacy, it's how I understand it. Mm-hmm.
, okay. Mm-hmm. .
And so there are absolutely people who will go, well,
I've been together with 'em all this time. We've negotiated this power exchange.
It was great 10 years ago, even though it sucks right now, you know,
I've worked so hard, I've, I've,
I did the hard part of meeting the person and trusting them. Mm-hmm.
mm-hmm. whatever, whatever, whatever.
And then they go, well, I can't back out now.
I did that for 11 years and 364 fucking days
. And then on that 365th day, I went, Nope,
I'm done. Because it wasn't worth what I had put in anymore.
I'd gotten so little back that I, I finally,
finally heated my best friends at FI and went, I can do bad by my damn self.
I kind of wish more people would embrace that way of thinking, ,
if you are not adding to my life, if you are not enhancing it,
if I'm not a better sub because of the dominant that I have,
what the fuck are we doing here together? Mm-hmm. , if I, you know,
if life, sometimes life is really fucking bleak,
and if your person is not at least a little bit, at least some of the time,
your bright spot, what the fuck are you doing there? Yeah. Right.
I mean, one thing I've, I have always believed since coming into the,
uh, in, into the lifestyle as you're dom,
I should not be breaking you down. I should be building you up.
And as your sub, I am going to support you.
But as a grown ass woman who's been through some shit,
I'm only gonna support a person who supports me the fuck back.
I'm not a doormat. No. I'll bend my knee. I will lay on this ground for you.
I'll beg you to walk on me because that sounds hot sometimes in certain
situations. But I'm not a fucking doormat.
I will put in as much work as you will put in now. Mm-hmm. .
The reality is,
is sometimes because we go back to where we talked about the relationships being
50 50. Yeah.
Sometimes the amount of effort you can give is not at the same amount of effort
I can give. Right.
Sometimes what you are able to do and how much energy you have and what's going
on for you as an individual mm-hmm.
is going to mean that you don't have as much to give.
But because you have given so much over the years,
it is much easier to go. I can give extra,
I can keep us going. I can be the one, the strong one,
the whatever one the or organized one. Mm-hmm.
the difference though is the moment I started to feel like,
oh shit, I can't, I can come say something to you. Right. Because we're a team.
Right? Right. We're doing this together mm-hmm. ,
and it's okay that sometimes JBS at a 10% for the day.
And it, even if I don't have 90%,
sometimes my 45% is enough to get us fucking through.
Right. Right.
Gets gets it through. Yeah. Because.
The differences is, is I go back to what I said, we can't all give a hundred,
but even at your worst moments at the lowest you've ever been,
you had at least 1% to give. Yeah.
You were still gonna make sure that we,
that through line between the two of us with our power exchange and our
relationship, there was a connection. Mm-hmm. . And that's,
that's what makes the difference. It goes back to what we said.
I think at the top though, we, you say the things and then you follow through.
I said I would do the things and I do them.
You say you'll do the things and you do them. Mm-hmm. .
So guess what? Now I have the trust to understand that, that you will,
and when you don't,
that means there's a problem and we need to talk about it and figure out what do
you need that you're not getting mm-hmm. when, hi, I mean,
I can watch your mental health tank. I can see it as it's happening. 'cause we.
You Yeah. You, well.
We live together, so I look at you every fucking day. Right. But two,
like I know you well enough and that is a moment where sometimes
I have to pull back and go, you didn't have any fucking thing to give.
But where, how, how are we gonna navigate this together?
And there are times where you haven't been the dom you want to be,
but you have always still been a team player.
You've always been like, okay, I'm still in this. I'm not fully myself.
You know, depression, life situations, money, stress, injury.
Right. Like.
Yeah.
First you got hit by a fucking car. ,
can we please never do that again?
Believe me, it's not on my list of things to do again. Okay. No. You know,
tried it once, didn't like it.
Cross that off the bucket list. Okay. Yeah. Um,
and so obviously there were times you weren't the dom you wanted to be because
you'd been the partner and the dom you had, you know, it,
it wasn't easy, but it was worth it. Yeah.
To put in more effort than you could put in mm-hmm. .
But those are situational and those are understood.
And it's never one of us doing it a hundred percent of the time and the other
one doing 0% of the time. I mean, it's, it's not how it works.
You know,
I've told you I've been through financial difficulties
before.
Mm-hmm. .
And, um,
not saying that I like what we're going through right now mm-hmm.
or have been going through. But, um, ,
I'm glad it is us together. Mm-hmm.
, I'm glad I'm not,
I wouldn't wanna just go through something with another person so I could say
I'm not alone. Mm-hmm. .
And a lot of people get stuck in relationships 'cause they just don't wanna be
alone, even if that other person sucks.
And that is really true of power exchange,
especially if somebody is in a bit of a frenzy.
But I'm glad I'm going through it with you because I've been through some of the
things we're going through. Not the getting hit by a car,
haven't been through that with somebody else,
but some of the things we've been through,
I went through them in my twenties and lemme tell you,
am I pissed that I'm in my forties? life is repeating itself.
Yeah.
. Yeah.
But I went through it in a relationship was that was hard with the other person,
was not my partner. Yeah. I've been through that. I can tell the difference.
And that is how it's like, yeah, I'll,
I'll pick up the slack for the time I need to do it because I know you're gonna
pick up the slack when it's your turn. Yeah. And, and that's a knowing thing.
I can't give anybody a checklist of look for these behaviors and you'll know if
your partner is putting an effort. It's, it's a thing.
I think you just feel in your bones. You just, you know Right.
When the other person is in it with you mm-hmm.
'cause of all of their past actions. Yeah.
Yeah. And, and I I'm sorry, I've been called out, um, uh Oh. Silences said.
We know you've tried it twice. You're right. I, I forgot.
I forget about the first time. Um,
we talked about I think last month when I was hit by a car on a bicycle.
Oh, when you were younger?
When I was younger. Oh, forget about.
I was not.
A part of that one. So I don't worry about that. I tried it once,
tried it again. It is definitely not something I want to do.
And I said it wrong. You got hit by a literal fucking car. Yeah. Yeah. .
So, uh,
so I think I have thoughts on this and I think those thoughts make me ranty
blame my past relationships. Mm-hmm. . Um, I don't,
I think I've, I think I've ranted and made my throat hurt as much as I can.
Now. I think, you know, I I think there was a lot to be said for this, you know,
um, and, and to just kind kind of coin it into a,
a nutshell, dude, you're.
Better than me. If you could put it all.
In a nutshell, you know, um, relationships shouldn't be hard. Mm-hmm.
Are they work, do they take effort? Yes. And,
and it takes both parties to put that work and effort in.
And sometimes the, the situation you find yourself in is hard, long distance.
That's hard.
That's hard. Yeah.
And, and a lot of people can't and won't do it because it's,
it's too hard for them. That's like that, that's their point. Mm-hmm.
, they're not gonna go through. That's fine. That's fine.
That to me is an example of life being hard. Mm-hmm.
the connection between you and the other person.
God damnit especially in power exchange, where like you just,
you just flail yourself open for the other person every moment of the fucking
day. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. , that should not be hard. No. The situation.
Yeah. Sometimes it, it is, it just life is gonna fuck us. Mm-hmm.
all of us.
But if the other person is not your bright spot,
the thing that no matter how dark and bleak it gets, you go. But they're there.
They're there. Yeah.
And that feeling and the effort you're putting in is not being reciprocated.
No, no, no. You cannot by yourself
outwork a relationship that is is, is broken from the beginning. No,
you, you can't, the,
I say it as somebody who tried for 12 god damn years,
you can't work hard enough for the other person to make the whole thing work.
You just can't. So,
but I can rant about this forever and we've got to stop at some point. Yes,
you did. So I think, I think, uh, that,
uh, that's all I got. Mm-hmm. , I could keep going. I don't, I.
I know you could, you always could.
I know. I don't know how to wrap this one up. I hope somebody out there,
you don't have to have a light bulb moment.
Maybe there's a little spark in you that goes, oh,
maybe I have some things to think about or, right. Oh,
maybe I need to reconnect.
Maybe what we're we are is disconnected and we need to reconnect.
Maybe that person's not worth my fucking time. like whatever, whatever.
Spark, . Mm-hmm. .
Mm-hmm. may.
Have, may have been lit for you. I hope that, that this could help. Yeah. Um,
okay.
Okay. So, uh, are we, are we good? Yeah. We'll.
Do a bonus section. I don't know what we'll talk about, but we'll do it .
All right. Okay.
It kin y Keep the kinky all.
We'll see you next week and also Friday night.
Daddy.
Yes, baby girl.
Can I talk to the crickets instead of ranting at them? ?
I'm probably pissing somebody off. .
Go ahead, talk to the crickets. Okay.
I don't know what to talk about. . You got anything?
Yeah, I do. Okay. Matter of fact. Okay. So, um, last weekend,
this past weekend, the, uh, 18 year old was home.
Yes.
And, uh, he
took the motorcycle endorsement course and passed and he
now has his, um, motorcycle endorsement.
Mm-hmm. mm-hmm.
. And, uh, this entire week,
he and I have been conversating about going back and forth about him purchasing
a motorcycle. Mm-hmm.
. Mm-hmm. . Yep.
Yeah. Yeah. .
I have.
All the thoughts and.
Feelings. You do. You do. You do.
And somebody out there is going, why don't you just tell your kid he can't?
Okay. Well, if I wanted him to rush out and do it within five minutes,
that's exactly what I would do. I would go, you can't do that.
You're not allowed . Uh, I'd get the biggest Fuck you.
And he'd do it faster right now,
like letting him know that, you know, it's, I,
I'm anxious for him, but Yeah. He's at least taking it slow.
He is, he's, he's taking it slow. He's taking it very seriously. Um,
he's not looking to buy something that is,
um, fast. Mm-hmm. , um,
you know, he, he's not looking, he's looking at starter bikes. Yeah. You know,
as he should. Yeah.
I just, I, I'm, I think mm,
as somebody who got hi, not hit, like in, in a,
in a scary, crazy way,
but as somebody who got tapped by a car on his electronic scooter, I'm,
I'm just as, um, concerned, uh,
more so for the motorcycle and how that will go. Um, so yeah.
That's a big thing that we've been doing. You might be going over, uh,
this weekend. Yeah.
I'll be going up there to go look at some bikes. Yeah.
And you Yeah. You're making that trip without me mm-hmm.
and that's okay. I'll just never sleep again. If you get,
when you get a motorcycle, not because I have a problem with,
with anybody being a motorcycle. Mm-hmm. You have a fucking motorcycle.
We have dreams. I can't call them plans. They're dreams of when you replace it.
Right. And what you'll replace it with and how we're gonna like, you know.
Yeah. And, and you're right, it's not Yeah. It's, it's dreams right now. So.
But when you got hit by a literal fucking car,
you've been riding for how many fucking years?
Yeah. Right.
Yeah. ,
that child got into a car an accident that nearly totaled our car when he had
been driving for three months. Yeah. And he, he was at least in a car .
So, pardon me if I'm skeptical. Anyway. Yeah.
That's the thing. Um, thanks. Hot wing for, uh,
the little reminder in live chat. We do wanna say thank you. Yes. Uh,
for a super chat we got in the middle of the stream. Um,
I, I read that as light blue dev,
but I don't know how the other person actually means for their name to be red.
So, hello and Thank you. Yeah. And that is very, very generous. Um,
and they said thank you for that very real section about people not being
skilled, educated, evolved, or whatever,
enough to break someone down and build them back up.
That's just immature and dangerous nonsense. You were fucking right.
. Yep.
That, that's where that's true. True. The fantasy.
Trying to become reality and mm-hmm. . Yeah. No, yeah. No, no.
No, no. Thank you. Thank.
You. Thank you. Um.
So yeah, I've, I've been going back and forth with him, uh, all week. You know,
he's been looking at bikes asking me, you know, what,
what I think is a good deal and, you know, the best way to purchase one. And.
I have, I was, if, if I didn't know my kid, I would say a lot more .
But I know my kid,
he's made many major life decisions out of pure pettiness and 'cause somebody
told him he couldn't, so.
Right. No.
I'm.
No, but you know what? He, he, I,
I, he bought a really good helmet.
All right. And, you know, I, I know how he is myself.
I didn't really, um, push the issue. I, you know, told him, you know,
this is what, and, and he went out and got him himself some good safety gear.
I know.
You know, so he's, he's taking it seriously.
He's he's thinking about what he's doing.
I know. I just.
I know, I know.
But he also had, I feel bad for him. We, he came home for the weekend.
We dropped him off Sunday afternoon. Yeah.
And that's when he discovered that his electronic scooter had been stolen.
Mm-hmm. . Um,
he still has not gotten me the information I need to put the claim in.
I I don't, he wouldn't actually get a lot back,
but he spent so much money on the damn thing. It's like,
this is what runner's insurance, it's four. So Yeah.
So that's, that's that kid.
A 14 year old is being a 14 year old. Yeah. And I'm, once again,
so a 14 year old has own stuff and, um,
you know, a lot of anxiety and that has sort of affected how he
navigates life. Mm-hmm. And some of that has been worked on and,
and he is, his true self is shining through mm-hmm. ,
including the fact that he's a 14 year old child, .
Yeah.
And he we're outta stage now, um,
where I'm like, oh, this is why some eat there young in the wild. Okay.
And you know what's funny? We had that with the 18 year old. Yeah. Okay.
We absolutely fucking had it. Um.
You can get away with it, you know, like,
can't we just lock him in the closet until he is 18?
It's called abuse. No, you cannot. I know, right?
Yeah.
Darn. But it's sort of like,
it's sort of like childbirth where you go through it and it's really hard and
paint and blah, blah, blah, but then like the memory fades just enough.
You're like, yeah, I'll do that again.
Apparently these teenage years can be like that too,
because I remember wanting to pinch that child's little head off because those
teenage years, puberty is hard. And then it faded as, you know,
he matured whenever, and the youngest was still kinda like, oh, kid.
And now the youngest is going through it, and I'm like, oh my God. That's right.
That's right.
We gotta go through a couple years or I don't know if I like him or not.
So I can get to the point where I go, yes, I do like him. He's fine, he's fine.
Right. This is, this is the natural progression. He's he's a good kid.
He's just Yeah. A lot of I know mom. I know, I know.
Grunts. So many grunts. Yeah. Why? Oh,
and you speak to said child and why would they look at you or
acknowledge you, right. Or answer your question. Oh, God.
A lot are standing there going, um,
I'm not leaving this doorway until you acknowledge me. Like, we're not gonna.
Right. Right.
So parenting is fun.
.
Fur babies are good. Yeah, we're good.
You can wish all is still outside.
She is. She's sunning herself in this wonderful, wonderful weather recharging.
Her batteries. Solar powered dog. Solar powered.
Dog . Um, I said it before, I'll say it again.
We lived here since 2020 finally christened the office,
if you know what I mean. Yeah. If you know, you know, uh,
we are very relaxed as a result mm-hmm. . Yep.
We were very, very relaxed. Um, yeah. Um,
that's, uh, right now that's all I'm gonna say about that.
.
Like, I'm not gonna go, this is, this isn't my previous sex blogger.
I would go into details. Um, it's more that, like,
the thing I would talk about is where did this energy come from?
And I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm not gonna look a gift horse.
In the mouth. Don't look mouth.
. Right. Uh, but that's,
that's the reality of like, what, yeah.
What.
How is this happen? Mm-hmm. , what is going on? I'm, I'm mad.
I'm just confused. Right. So.
At any rate, we probably should say goodbye. We still have other stuff to do.
We always, we always have so much stuff to do. Yep. Um,
yeah. Mm-hmm. , that's it. That's us. Uh, Friday night,
October 20th, 9:30 PM Eastern Friday.
Nine out. Yep.
Uh, little talk, chat, answer questions, do other stuff.
Um, and yeah, I guess that's it. That's nice. I.
Guess we till Friday. Yeah.
Mm-hmm. . Yeah. Yeah. I'm discombobulated. You are. I know.
All right.
Okay. Let's say goodbye. Bye. Bye.