You are listening to the Loving B D S M podcast. Kayla Lord's here with the one,
the only, the, I don't think you're quite caffeinated enough,
but we're getting there. John Brownstone.
Yeah. I don't think there's enough caffeine for me today.
Same. Same. Yeah. Yeah. But that doesn't mean we can't, you know,
keep trying to find that level of enough. That's true enough. Yeah. Uh,
just means more coffee.
Okay.
Right. Exactly. I'm here for it. .
This week we're gonna answer a question from a submissive who wants to make sure
that their needs get fulfilled too in their DSS relationship.
Welcome to the Loving B D S M podcast. If you don't know us,
we help kinks just like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships.
And sometimes we do that by answering your questions. Uh,
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And if you'd like us to answer your question in an episode,
we have a contact page called Ask your Questions on our website and in the show
notes for this episode, which you can find@lovingbdsm.net. Okay.
So this week's question is simple, straight to the point,
but a very important question that I think more people should be asking
themselves. Uh, the question says, my husband is a dominant,
and I am a submissive. He has all these needs that I want to fulfill,
but I know as a submissive I have needs too.
How do I make sure those are taken care of?
That's a question I want every submissive going forward to ask themselves.
If you've never asked yourself, well,
how am I gonna make sure I get what I need? That is your assignment.
That is your homework. Go ask yourself that question. .
I think power exchange relationships would be a lot better off if both sides of
the slash were like, yeah, yeah, but, but how am I gonna get mine too? Right?
So what are your thoughts?
Well, it,
it's a little bit of a generic question to sound a good question,
but a generic Yes.
Question. I agree.
So I,
I think what they need to do first is as a submissive
need to know what their needs are, right.
As, as you know them at this point. Right.
'cause needs can and will change over time.
Correct. That that's the first step. Mm-hmm. , um, next step, um,
I'm going to use a word that gets floated around quite a bit. You know,
it's our.
Favorite.
Word. Yeah. Communicate, you know,
no dominant is a mind reader and he cannot,
or they cannot fulfill your needs unless they know what they are.
Right?
Absolutely. So you, you need to make those needs known. And,
you know, that need, that should be part of the negotiation.
From the very beginning. Right. Here's what I would like to get out of this.
Here's what I'm looking for. Here's what I would like to experience.
Here's what I'd like to feel. Mm-hmm. ,
here's what I do not want to experience or feel or go through or deal with
all of that. Yeah, absolutely. Mm-hmm. .
Absolutely. So, you know, that that's, that's the big step towards that.
Right. And so I have other thoughts that go beyond that. Okay.
But let's start there. So in the communication part, um,
sometimes it's easier said than done. I'm very well aware of that part. Mm-hmm.
on a personal level mm-hmm. . Um, the,
the thing we often talk about is speaking to a partner,
but that is not always easy,
especially when you're in a new relationship or you are new to
communicating in a healthy way.
Maybe previous relationships or just previous life experiences,
you did not feel like you could say what you needed to say.
It didn't feel safe to share your thoughts and opinions or
for a number of reasons. You just clam up and you get all anxious,
or you feel a way every time you have to express yourself.
So the thing about communication is finding what will allow you to express
yourself in the most effective but comfortable way.
So if looking your partner in the eyes and saying,
these are the things I need is you're not there yet.
You still need to communicate your needs. So how are you gonna do that? Um,
my preference early on in our relationship is writing it down. Mm-hmm.
,
I have always felt more comfortable expressing my thoughts through the written
word, then saying them out loud.
I understand the irony right now as I speak into this microphone. Okay.
.
But there was a time it felt too raw,
too scary. I was, I made myself too vulnerable. Too.
Vulnerable. Yeah.
When I had to just say,
here's the thing I'd like for you to do to me John Brownstone,
and here's why I want that thing. Um, or here's what I want to feel,
or here is what I need. I, that was hard.
So I would write it down and either email it to 'em. That's early days.
We were a long distance relationship, but just send that email.
And then I had said what I needed to say and been able to edit
myself and read it over 50 million times to make sure it's like,
this is really what I mean. And then he could read it on his own time. Now,
the downside to that kind of communication is, for me at least,
I was on pins and needles waiting . I was like, well, C cer,
surely by now he's read it. Okay, why haven't I gotten a response? Uhoh,
I think he might be reading it right now. I know what his schedule is.
He's got time right now. Uhoh, when am I gonna get a response?
So I did add a level of anxiety to that, but it worked,
it allowed me to get my thoughts out. Once we lived together,
there were a few times you would wake up in the morning, go to your desk,
and there'd be.
And find a piece of paper on it.
A tri folded piece of paper with, uh, my front back.
Sometimes multiple pieces. Uh,
that method of communication worked really well when we were in conflict.
That way I could say what I needed to say and not have to like maintain eye
contact. Um, I know people who do voice messages and, um,
and, you know, send voice recordings mm-hmm. , um,
whatever works for you to share your thoughts
in a way that feels less scary than looking your person in the
eye and going, Hey, here's what I need. The thing is,
is the longer you learn that you can communicate your needs,
and that person is a safe person who will honor those needs,
who will communicate effectively with you, who is not going to belittle you,
like whatever your fears are,
whatever it is that holds you back from saying the thing to their face,
eventually you can get to that point eventually.
Maybe you don't need to to write a letter mm-hmm. ,
you don't need to send a text.
Maybe you can sit down and have that conversation. So that's a big part of it.
Yeah. We say communicate, but what does that mean?
Whatever way effectively gets your point across. True.
So do not be afraid to use alternative methods of having the conversation.
Just, it, it feels like it's too much.
The other thing that comes to mind mm-hmm. ,
is this question gets asked a lot, and we have an upcoming question,
spoiler alert, that will land on this side of things where, okay,
I've expressed my needs, but they're still not being fulfilled.
What do I do now? Mm.
And that to me is about holding each other accountable and Yeah. You know,
we talk, we've done an episode on accountability links in the places,
and from a dominant perspective, accountability is kind of easy. Oh,
there's a consequence. Oh, you know, yeah. You know,
I'm gonna give you the look. I'm gonna give you a stern voice,
like whatever it is that resonates with the submissive. And then they're like,
oh, maybe I'll change my behavior. You don't really have that as a submissive,
but what you do have is the, well, uh,
I don't have to be your submissive if you can't do that's true what you say
you're going to do mm-hmm. ,
or if you've made this one-sided and only your needs get to be fulfilled,
then what are we doing here? Because Right. As a submissive, I, you know,
have every right to get whatever it is I need.
And I know many submissives who will say, well,
I only want what my dominant wants.
I'm gonna tell you that I'm going to assume you're very new.
You're very new, and, uh, maybe you just don't know what you want. Yet. ,
you have, you have needs, even if you can't articulate them yet,
even if you haven't come across them and seen the example and gone, oh, yeah.
That I want that. You, you do, you have your own individual needs.
I promise. Even if it's as simple as I want to feel seen, I want to feel heard,
I want to have my thoughts validated, I want, you know, you have a need.
Mm-hmm. , if you can't articulate it yet, that stop where we're at.
Back up. Go back to that part. That's step one.
Figure out what you need so that you have something to tell a partner. Um,
but if you are doing all of that,
and then they're not giving you what you need,
they're not being an active participant. Mm-hmm. ,
this is power exchange is a give and take. Yeah. Um, then that's a problem.
And sometimes how you hold your partner accountable is that we're not doing this
anymore. Now you still have to have effective communication for that.
Absolutely. You know, I'm not a fan of, well,
I'm just gonna stop doing everything I said as I would do as a submissive,
because you're not like,
we're not gonna just stop everything and not have a conversation. Yeah.
What we're gonna do is have a conversation and I may say, well,
if you can't participate, and if I am feeling unfulfilled,
then I won't do this anymore. I won't do what I said I would do. Um,
yes, absolutely , but , you know, in a,
especially in a long-term relationship, we live together.
We're looking at one another. Right. If tomorrow,
I never had a conversation with you,
but I was feeling unfulfilled and I just stopped doing everything.
I've just blown everything up. I've created an argument. Mm-hmm. ,
when maybe a conversation would have that at.
That point addressed everything, it creates more of a problem than.
Right. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Um,
so that is something absolutely to consider mm-hmm. . Um,
but when it, you know, it's a constant conversation.
Even in our relationship, there are times where I'm feeling really fulfilled.
I'm getting everything I need. I'm, I'm feeling good. We're,
we're rolling along,
and then life will get in the way and you get in your head,
or there's a lot of stress going on, or for me as a serviceness of,
I'm doing more of the servicing than I'm doing anything out.
So the other parts of me aren't, you know, getting any attention.
It is on me to say, Hey, , um,
I can't, I can't pour from an empty, well, here I can. Exactly.
Can I get some of what I need? Sometimes for me,
that comes out a little whiny. I mean, I am a baby girl. We are, you know,
caregiver little, it happens.
Or even a little sassy.
Uh, I mean, I don't consider myself a bratt. I've,
we've had this conversation in previous episodes. It, it drove me to tears,
feeling misunderstood. 'cause I do not want that label for myself.
That being said, I understand.
I walk a line because there have been a couple times you're like, well,
you're being like extra sassy. And I'm like, mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm.
. Can you imagine why that might be? Right now,
now is is that effective communication? Maybe?
Did you know what I meant when I said what I said , then I have,
uh, communicated effectively at that point. Um, but it all comes down to that.
It all comes back to, wait, there's a problem here. Mm-hmm. ,
whether that problem is,
I understand that life is happening and my dominant just doesn't have the
energy.
Or I understand that life is happening and I have taken on more than I used to,
but whatever is going on, I'm not getting what I need as a submissive. Um,
you have to have that conversation. I don't care how long you've been together,
I don't care how much you love one another.
I don't care how good it is when it's good. Hey, when it's good for me and jb,
it's, um, fucking amazing. Okay? Mm-hmm. true.
There's a reason we'll walk through hellfire for one another. Okay. .
But that doesn't mean that when things get rough, you know,
the first thing to go for us is a kink scene.
The second thing to go is any deeper,
more meaningful power exchange beyond what is part of our routine. Um,
I tend to be the watcher and the one who's like
on pins and needles. Like, how do we, you know,
I don't want this boat to rock too damn much. Mm-hmm. , uh, blame,
blame my anxiety. It's fine. Um,
and so I'm usually the first one to say something,
but I am also that submissive who will give and give and give. Oh,
JB needs this kind of scene, even though it's not my favorite kind of scene.
'cause it'll relieve tension. Oh,
JB needs me for this because he's going through it and I will give mm-hmm.
until I'm not sassy. I'm a fucking bitch. I'm ,
I'm done. There's like, what? Respectful tone. I don't know her.
Okay. Um.
Hence the nickname Scorpio Bitch from Hell.
. I'm not gonna deny that. I'm not gonna deny that.
And it just always comes back to, I've got to say something. I've got to say,
yes, I understand why some of this has been put on the back burner. However,
yeah, I need some of this.
When we do too many scenes in a row that focus on j b's
preferred sensations, I'll like run a flag up and go, Hey, hey,
hey, can I, can I, somewhere in here,
it's still under the purview of all of your control.
It's still your decision to make, but I am telling you I need thud.
I need the massage like experience. I need the thing that lets me zen out.
That is what I need. I'm glad we're having these moments. Yes,
I can send to these things mm-hmm. , but here are my needs.
In reality, after 10 years of being together,
that has become a lot easier to do.
In the early days of our relationship,
I was still new to learning how to communicate effectively and to trust that my
voice would be heard. Um, and that was harder. It does get easier,
but it's a thing you gotta practice. And so start with writing it down,
saying it where they can't see you and you don't have to look at them keeping a
journal that they get to read. I know that's a really common one. Mm-hmm.
with some power exchange, um, couples. Um,
but let them know what those needs are.
Absolutely.
Absolutely. Because like you said, they're not a mind reader. No. You're,
you're dominant is not a mind reader.
And if you have one of those dominant partners who goes, well,
your needs don't matter. Your needs are my needs,
and as long as I'm getting what I want, that's all that matters. No, no.
Throw that one out. Okay, let's try again. We'll catch another fish later.
Toss that one back. That one's no good. That one's not doing, no. Mm-hmm.
, that is the person who thinks that being a dominant means being,
uh, an asshole who only gets what they need, . Um,
and no, that's, that's not how any of this works. Mm-hmm. , uh,
it is absolutely a give and take. That's true. Mm-hmm. , any, uh,
closing thoughts from you?
No, I mean, that's, that's pretty much it. You know, just, um,
like I said earlier, communicate, you know,
let it be part of the negotiation. Mm-hmm. , you know, and, and,
and work from there and understand what it is you want. Yeah.
That's a big part of it. Sometimes, you know, for newer submissives especially,
they're like, I want what you want. Nope, nope, nope. That's fun. And there,
there's a time and a place for that. And yeah, I often want whatever JB wants,
I'm happy with . Let me turn my brain off. This is great. Um,
but I also have needs, right? And it is my job to figure that out.
I've figured out a lot of them with j b's help,
that's been part of the fun of this and, and part of the mm-hmm.
path and journey. Um, but it is still my responsibility to go,
Hey, hi, this is what I need. This is what I want. Yeah.
And if you know your partner won't listen or makes empty
promises and does not fulfill them,
then you have to hold them accountable and Right. That often looks like, okay,
I guess we can't do this anymore. And that sucks and that hurts.
But that is better than staying in an unfulfilling relationship where you
grow resentful over time.
True. True. Mm-hmm. .
Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode.
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