1 00:00:10,940 --> 00:00:13,920 You are listening to the Loving B D S M podcast. Kayla Lord's here with the one, 2 00:00:13,980 --> 00:00:17,880 the only, the, I don't think you're quite caffeinated enough, 3 00:00:17,940 --> 00:00:19,640 but we're getting there. John Brownstone. 4 00:00:20,110 --> 00:00:22,640 Yeah. I don't think there's enough caffeine for me today. 5 00:00:23,150 --> 00:00:27,360 Same. Same. Yeah. Yeah. But that doesn't mean we can't, you know, 6 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:31,200 keep trying to find that level of enough. That's true enough. Yeah. Uh, 7 00:00:31,350 --> 00:00:32,400 just means more coffee. 8 00:00:33,310 --> 00:00:33,770 Okay. 9 00:00:33,770 --> 00:00:35,520 Right. Exactly. I'm here for it. . 10 00:00:36,710 --> 00:00:40,400 This week we're gonna answer a question from a submissive who wants to make sure 11 00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:44,320 that their needs get fulfilled too in their DSS relationship. 12 00:00:44,830 --> 00:00:47,840 Welcome to the Loving B D S M podcast. If you don't know us, 13 00:00:47,860 --> 00:00:50,480 we help kinks just like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. 14 00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:53,200 And sometimes we do that by answering your questions. Uh, 15 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,200 if you like what you hear, 16 00:00:54,340 --> 00:00:57,360 add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. 17 00:00:57,700 --> 00:01:00,320 And if you'd like us to answer your question in an episode, 18 00:01:00,540 --> 00:01:04,040 we have a contact page called Ask your Questions on our website and in the show 19 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:08,560 notes for this episode, which you can find@lovingbdsm.net. Okay. 20 00:01:08,580 --> 00:01:11,040 So this week's question is simple, straight to the point, 21 00:01:11,260 --> 00:01:15,400 but a very important question that I think more people should be asking 22 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:18,680 themselves. Uh, the question says, my husband is a dominant, 23 00:01:18,780 --> 00:01:22,520 and I am a submissive. He has all these needs that I want to fulfill, 24 00:01:22,660 --> 00:01:24,840 but I know as a submissive I have needs too. 25 00:01:25,500 --> 00:01:27,440 How do I make sure those are taken care of? 26 00:01:27,940 --> 00:01:32,400 That's a question I want every submissive going forward to ask themselves. 27 00:01:32,580 --> 00:01:34,400 If you've never asked yourself, well, 28 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,600 how am I gonna make sure I get what I need? That is your assignment. 29 00:01:37,670 --> 00:01:40,800 That is your homework. Go ask yourself that question. . 30 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:45,680 I think power exchange relationships would be a lot better off if both sides of 31 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:49,240 the slash were like, yeah, yeah, but, but how am I gonna get mine too? Right? 32 00:01:49,420 --> 00:01:50,600 So what are your thoughts? 33 00:01:50,870 --> 00:01:52,280 Well, it, 34 00:01:52,310 --> 00:01:56,680 it's a little bit of a generic question to sound a good question, 35 00:01:56,740 --> 00:01:57,880 but a generic Yes. 36 00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,073 Question. I agree. 37 00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:00,320 So I, 38 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:04,760 I think what they need to do first is as a submissive 39 00:02:05,310 --> 00:02:07,960 need to know what their needs are, right. 40 00:02:08,140 --> 00:02:10,320 As, as you know them at this point. Right. 41 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,520 'cause needs can and will change over time. 42 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:17,080 Correct. That that's the first step. Mm-hmm. , um, next step, um, 43 00:02:17,260 --> 00:02:21,880 I'm going to use a word that gets floated around quite a bit. You know, 44 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:22,440 it's our. 45 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:22,520 Favorite. 46 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:25,080 Word. Yeah. Communicate, you know, 47 00:02:25,380 --> 00:02:28,080 no dominant is a mind reader and he cannot, 48 00:02:28,460 --> 00:02:32,720 or they cannot fulfill your needs unless they know what they are. 49 00:02:32,970 --> 00:02:33,803 Right? 50 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:38,640 Absolutely. So you, you need to make those needs known. And, 51 00:02:38,860 --> 00:02:42,240 you know, that need, that should be part of the negotiation. 52 00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:45,240 From the very beginning. Right. Here's what I would like to get out of this. 53 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:48,200 Here's what I'm looking for. Here's what I would like to experience. 54 00:02:48,260 --> 00:02:49,840 Here's what I'd like to feel. Mm-hmm. , 55 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:54,800 here's what I do not want to experience or feel or go through or deal with 56 00:02:54,900 --> 00:02:56,680 all of that. Yeah, absolutely. Mm-hmm. . 57 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:01,680 Absolutely. So, you know, that that's, that's the big step towards that. 58 00:03:01,970 --> 00:03:05,240 Right. And so I have other thoughts that go beyond that. Okay. 59 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,680 But let's start there. So in the communication part, um, 60 00:03:09,030 --> 00:03:12,760 sometimes it's easier said than done. I'm very well aware of that part. Mm-hmm. 61 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,800 on a personal level mm-hmm. . Um, the, 62 00:03:15,860 --> 00:03:20,000 the thing we often talk about is speaking to a partner, 63 00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:21,760 but that is not always easy, 64 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:25,680 especially when you're in a new relationship or you are new to 65 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:27,840 communicating in a healthy way. 66 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:31,200 Maybe previous relationships or just previous life experiences, 67 00:03:31,340 --> 00:03:34,800 you did not feel like you could say what you needed to say. 68 00:03:34,860 --> 00:03:39,360 It didn't feel safe to share your thoughts and opinions or 69 00:03:39,860 --> 00:03:43,720 for a number of reasons. You just clam up and you get all anxious, 70 00:03:43,780 --> 00:03:46,720 or you feel a way every time you have to express yourself. 71 00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:51,040 So the thing about communication is finding what will allow you to express 72 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:55,320 yourself in the most effective but comfortable way. 73 00:03:55,460 --> 00:03:58,080 So if looking your partner in the eyes and saying, 74 00:03:58,090 --> 00:04:01,880 these are the things I need is you're not there yet. 75 00:04:02,180 --> 00:04:05,560 You still need to communicate your needs. So how are you gonna do that? Um, 76 00:04:06,140 --> 00:04:09,560 my preference early on in our relationship is writing it down. Mm-hmm. 77 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:09,640 , 78 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:13,480 I have always felt more comfortable expressing my thoughts through the written 79 00:04:13,590 --> 00:04:16,240 word, then saying them out loud. 80 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:20,400 I understand the irony right now as I speak into this microphone. Okay. 81 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:21,473 . 82 00:04:21,940 --> 00:04:25,720 But there was a time it felt too raw, 83 00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:29,000 too scary. I was, I made myself too vulnerable. Too. 84 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:29,590 Vulnerable. Yeah. 85 00:04:29,590 --> 00:04:30,680 When I had to just say, 86 00:04:30,860 --> 00:04:33,880 here's the thing I'd like for you to do to me John Brownstone, 87 00:04:34,060 --> 00:04:37,880 and here's why I want that thing. Um, or here's what I want to feel, 88 00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:40,640 or here is what I need. I, that was hard. 89 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:44,360 So I would write it down and either email it to 'em. That's early days. 90 00:04:44,540 --> 00:04:46,720 We were a long distance relationship, but just send that email. 91 00:04:46,780 --> 00:04:51,320 And then I had said what I needed to say and been able to edit 92 00:04:51,380 --> 00:04:55,120 myself and read it over 50 million times to make sure it's like, 93 00:04:55,120 --> 00:05:00,000 this is really what I mean. And then he could read it on his own time. Now, 94 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,120 the downside to that kind of communication is, for me at least, 95 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:06,600 I was on pins and needles waiting . I was like, well, C cer, 96 00:05:07,260 --> 00:05:11,320 surely by now he's read it. Okay, why haven't I gotten a response? Uhoh, 97 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,240 I think he might be reading it right now. I know what his schedule is. 98 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,680 He's got time right now. Uhoh, when am I gonna get a response? 99 00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:20,360 So I did add a level of anxiety to that, but it worked, 100 00:05:20,540 --> 00:05:23,160 it allowed me to get my thoughts out. Once we lived together, 101 00:05:23,570 --> 00:05:26,920 there were a few times you would wake up in the morning, go to your desk, 102 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:27,440 and there'd be. 103 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:28,480 And find a piece of paper on it. 104 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:33,000 A tri folded piece of paper with, uh, my front back. 105 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,960 Sometimes multiple pieces. Uh, 106 00:05:35,150 --> 00:05:38,360 that method of communication worked really well when we were in conflict. 107 00:05:39,070 --> 00:05:42,080 That way I could say what I needed to say and not have to like maintain eye 108 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:46,640 contact. Um, I know people who do voice messages and, um, 109 00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:50,000 and, you know, send voice recordings mm-hmm. , um, 110 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:55,120 whatever works for you to share your thoughts 111 00:05:55,700 --> 00:06:00,640 in a way that feels less scary than looking your person in the 112 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:03,320 eye and going, Hey, here's what I need. The thing is, 113 00:06:03,380 --> 00:06:07,800 is the longer you learn that you can communicate your needs, 114 00:06:07,860 --> 00:06:12,040 and that person is a safe person who will honor those needs, 115 00:06:12,060 --> 00:06:16,360 who will communicate effectively with you, who is not going to belittle you, 116 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:17,880 like whatever your fears are, 117 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,880 whatever it is that holds you back from saying the thing to their face, 118 00:06:21,530 --> 00:06:23,680 eventually you can get to that point eventually. 119 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:27,320 Maybe you don't need to to write a letter mm-hmm. , 120 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:28,640 you don't need to send a text. 121 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:32,600 Maybe you can sit down and have that conversation. So that's a big part of it. 122 00:06:32,670 --> 00:06:34,960 Yeah. We say communicate, but what does that mean? 123 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,080 Whatever way effectively gets your point across. True. 124 00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:43,120 So do not be afraid to use alternative methods of having the conversation. 125 00:06:43,190 --> 00:06:45,200 Just, it, it feels like it's too much. 126 00:06:45,820 --> 00:06:48,240 The other thing that comes to mind mm-hmm. , 127 00:06:48,260 --> 00:06:52,040 is this question gets asked a lot, and we have an upcoming question, 128 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,920 spoiler alert, that will land on this side of things where, okay, 129 00:06:55,950 --> 00:06:59,000 I've expressed my needs, but they're still not being fulfilled. 130 00:06:59,230 --> 00:07:00,280 What do I do now? Mm. 131 00:07:00,740 --> 00:07:05,080 And that to me is about holding each other accountable and Yeah. You know, 132 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,800 we talk, we've done an episode on accountability links in the places, 133 00:07:08,540 --> 00:07:11,840 and from a dominant perspective, accountability is kind of easy. Oh, 134 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,720 there's a consequence. Oh, you know, yeah. You know, 135 00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:16,960 I'm gonna give you the look. I'm gonna give you a stern voice, 136 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,880 like whatever it is that resonates with the submissive. And then they're like, 137 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:23,320 oh, maybe I'll change my behavior. You don't really have that as a submissive, 138 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,480 but what you do have is the, well, uh, 139 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:29,440 I don't have to be your submissive if you can't do that's true what you say 140 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:31,000 you're going to do mm-hmm. , 141 00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:35,480 or if you've made this one-sided and only your needs get to be fulfilled, 142 00:07:36,470 --> 00:07:40,240 then what are we doing here? Because Right. As a submissive, I, you know, 143 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,600 have every right to get whatever it is I need. 144 00:07:43,140 --> 00:07:45,040 And I know many submissives who will say, well, 145 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,280 I only want what my dominant wants. 146 00:07:47,740 --> 00:07:51,760 I'm gonna tell you that I'm going to assume you're very new. 147 00:07:52,420 --> 00:07:56,400 You're very new, and, uh, maybe you just don't know what you want. Yet. , 148 00:07:57,820 --> 00:08:01,520 you have, you have needs, even if you can't articulate them yet, 149 00:08:01,670 --> 00:08:05,960 even if you haven't come across them and seen the example and gone, oh, yeah. 150 00:08:06,150 --> 00:08:10,360 That I want that. You, you do, you have your own individual needs. 151 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:15,480 I promise. Even if it's as simple as I want to feel seen, I want to feel heard, 152 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:20,520 I want to have my thoughts validated, I want, you know, you have a need. 153 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:24,640 Mm-hmm. , if you can't articulate it yet, that stop where we're at. 154 00:08:25,070 --> 00:08:27,760 Back up. Go back to that part. That's step one. 155 00:08:27,860 --> 00:08:32,720 Figure out what you need so that you have something to tell a partner. Um, 156 00:08:32,740 --> 00:08:34,160 but if you are doing all of that, 157 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:37,840 and then they're not giving you what you need, 158 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:39,720 they're not being an active participant. Mm-hmm. , 159 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:44,560 this is power exchange is a give and take. Yeah. Um, then that's a problem. 160 00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:48,920 And sometimes how you hold your partner accountable is that we're not doing this 161 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,840 anymore. Now you still have to have effective communication for that. 162 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:54,560 Absolutely. You know, I'm not a fan of, well, 163 00:08:54,580 --> 00:08:58,480 I'm just gonna stop doing everything I said as I would do as a submissive, 164 00:08:58,750 --> 00:09:00,080 because you're not like, 165 00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:03,320 we're not gonna just stop everything and not have a conversation. Yeah. 166 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:06,080 What we're gonna do is have a conversation and I may say, well, 167 00:09:06,540 --> 00:09:10,680 if you can't participate, and if I am feeling unfulfilled, 168 00:09:10,990 --> 00:09:15,600 then I won't do this anymore. I won't do what I said I would do. Um, 169 00:09:16,220 --> 00:09:19,640 yes, absolutely , but , you know, in a, 170 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,840 especially in a long-term relationship, we live together. 171 00:09:21,890 --> 00:09:23,640 We're looking at one another. Right. If tomorrow, 172 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:25,960 I never had a conversation with you, 173 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:29,800 but I was feeling unfulfilled and I just stopped doing everything. 174 00:09:30,230 --> 00:09:33,520 I've just blown everything up. I've created an argument. Mm-hmm. , 175 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:37,280 when maybe a conversation would have that at. 176 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,720 That point addressed everything, it creates more of a problem than. 177 00:09:39,770 --> 00:09:42,440 Right. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Um, 178 00:09:43,380 --> 00:09:47,680 so that is something absolutely to consider mm-hmm. . Um, 179 00:09:47,860 --> 00:09:51,640 but when it, you know, it's a constant conversation. 180 00:09:52,070 --> 00:09:56,000 Even in our relationship, there are times where I'm feeling really fulfilled. 181 00:09:56,020 --> 00:09:58,680 I'm getting everything I need. I'm, I'm feeling good. We're, 182 00:09:58,690 --> 00:09:59,720 we're rolling along, 183 00:10:00,540 --> 00:10:03,880 and then life will get in the way and you get in your head, 184 00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:08,720 or there's a lot of stress going on, or for me as a serviceness of, 185 00:10:08,740 --> 00:10:12,440 I'm doing more of the servicing than I'm doing anything out. 186 00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:16,160 So the other parts of me aren't, you know, getting any attention. 187 00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:21,360 It is on me to say, Hey, , um, 188 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:25,600 I can't, I can't pour from an empty, well, here I can. Exactly. 189 00:10:25,900 --> 00:10:29,160 Can I get some of what I need? Sometimes for me, 190 00:10:29,270 --> 00:10:33,320 that comes out a little whiny. I mean, I am a baby girl. We are, you know, 191 00:10:33,390 --> 00:10:35,080 caregiver little, it happens. 192 00:10:35,340 --> 00:10:36,600 Or even a little sassy. 193 00:10:36,820 --> 00:10:40,880 Uh, I mean, I don't consider myself a bratt. I've, 194 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:45,080 we've had this conversation in previous episodes. It, it drove me to tears, 195 00:10:45,150 --> 00:10:49,880 feeling misunderstood. 'cause I do not want that label for myself. 196 00:10:50,870 --> 00:10:52,960 That being said, I understand. 197 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,640 I walk a line because there have been a couple times you're like, well, 198 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:59,640 you're being like extra sassy. And I'm like, mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. 199 00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,640 . Can you imagine why that might be? Right now, 200 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:06,640 now is is that effective communication? Maybe? 201 00:11:08,060 --> 00:11:12,920 Did you know what I meant when I said what I said , then I have, 202 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:17,280 uh, communicated effectively at that point. Um, but it all comes down to that. 203 00:11:17,300 --> 00:11:21,640 It all comes back to, wait, there's a problem here. Mm-hmm. , 204 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:22,600 whether that problem is, 205 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:27,400 I understand that life is happening and my dominant just doesn't have the 206 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:28,180 energy. 207 00:11:28,180 --> 00:11:32,760 Or I understand that life is happening and I have taken on more than I used to, 208 00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:38,200 but whatever is going on, I'm not getting what I need as a submissive. Um, 209 00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:41,600 you have to have that conversation. I don't care how long you've been together, 210 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:43,640 I don't care how much you love one another. 211 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:48,680 I don't care how good it is when it's good. Hey, when it's good for me and jb, 212 00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,160 it's, um, fucking amazing. Okay? Mm-hmm. true. 213 00:11:51,230 --> 00:11:54,720 There's a reason we'll walk through hellfire for one another. Okay. . 214 00:11:55,140 --> 00:11:58,960 But that doesn't mean that when things get rough, you know, 215 00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:01,680 the first thing to go for us is a kink scene. 216 00:12:02,260 --> 00:12:04,520 The second thing to go is any deeper, 217 00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:08,840 more meaningful power exchange beyond what is part of our routine. Um, 218 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:14,360 I tend to be the watcher and the one who's like 219 00:12:14,420 --> 00:12:16,280 on pins and needles. Like, how do we, you know, 220 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,160 I don't want this boat to rock too damn much. Mm-hmm. , uh, blame, 221 00:12:19,170 --> 00:12:21,280 blame my anxiety. It's fine. Um, 222 00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:23,800 and so I'm usually the first one to say something, 223 00:12:24,940 --> 00:12:28,520 but I am also that submissive who will give and give and give. Oh, 224 00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:32,080 JB needs this kind of scene, even though it's not my favorite kind of scene. 225 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:33,560 'cause it'll relieve tension. Oh, 226 00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:38,480 JB needs me for this because he's going through it and I will give mm-hmm. 227 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:42,800 until I'm not sassy. I'm a fucking bitch. I'm , 228 00:12:43,780 --> 00:12:48,520 I'm done. There's like, what? Respectful tone. I don't know her. 229 00:12:48,710 --> 00:12:49,720 Okay. Um. 230 00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:52,200 Hence the nickname Scorpio Bitch from Hell. 231 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:57,080 . I'm not gonna deny that. I'm not gonna deny that. 232 00:12:57,820 --> 00:13:01,880 And it just always comes back to, I've got to say something. I've got to say, 233 00:13:02,220 --> 00:13:06,600 yes, I understand why some of this has been put on the back burner. However, 234 00:13:07,310 --> 00:13:08,640 yeah, I need some of this. 235 00:13:08,790 --> 00:13:13,680 When we do too many scenes in a row that focus on j b's 236 00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:18,600 preferred sensations, I'll like run a flag up and go, Hey, hey, 237 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,560 hey, can I, can I, somewhere in here, 238 00:13:20,910 --> 00:13:23,000 it's still under the purview of all of your control. 239 00:13:23,110 --> 00:13:27,960 It's still your decision to make, but I am telling you I need thud. 240 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:33,040 I need the massage like experience. I need the thing that lets me zen out. 241 00:13:33,070 --> 00:13:36,240 That is what I need. I'm glad we're having these moments. Yes, 242 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,480 I can send to these things mm-hmm. , but here are my needs. 243 00:13:39,140 --> 00:13:41,440 In reality, after 10 years of being together, 244 00:13:41,550 --> 00:13:44,240 that has become a lot easier to do. 245 00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:47,160 In the early days of our relationship, 246 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:52,840 I was still new to learning how to communicate effectively and to trust that my 247 00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:57,840 voice would be heard. Um, and that was harder. It does get easier, 248 00:13:57,860 --> 00:14:01,920 but it's a thing you gotta practice. And so start with writing it down, 249 00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:06,800 saying it where they can't see you and you don't have to look at them keeping a 250 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,920 journal that they get to read. I know that's a really common one. Mm-hmm. 251 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,840 with some power exchange, um, couples. Um, 252 00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:15,200 but let them know what those needs are. 253 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:16,360 Absolutely. 254 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,680 Absolutely. Because like you said, they're not a mind reader. No. You're, 255 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,000 you're dominant is not a mind reader. 256 00:14:20,180 --> 00:14:22,560 And if you have one of those dominant partners who goes, well, 257 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:25,240 your needs don't matter. Your needs are my needs, 258 00:14:25,340 --> 00:14:28,160 and as long as I'm getting what I want, that's all that matters. No, no. 259 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:31,280 Throw that one out. Okay, let's try again. We'll catch another fish later. 260 00:14:31,870 --> 00:14:34,840 Toss that one back. That one's no good. That one's not doing, no. Mm-hmm. 261 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:39,000 , that is the person who thinks that being a dominant means being, 262 00:14:39,660 --> 00:14:43,680 uh, an asshole who only gets what they need, . Um, 263 00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:47,080 and no, that's, that's not how any of this works. Mm-hmm. , uh, 264 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:51,680 it is absolutely a give and take. That's true. Mm-hmm. , any, uh, 265 00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,000 closing thoughts from you? 266 00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:55,960 No, I mean, that's, that's pretty much it. You know, just, um, 267 00:14:56,390 --> 00:14:59,400 like I said earlier, communicate, you know, 268 00:14:59,740 --> 00:15:03,560 let it be part of the negotiation. Mm-hmm. , you know, and, and, 269 00:15:03,940 --> 00:15:07,120 and work from there and understand what it is you want. Yeah. 270 00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:10,680 That's a big part of it. Sometimes, you know, for newer submissives especially, 271 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:14,560 they're like, I want what you want. Nope, nope, nope. That's fun. And there, 272 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:18,720 there's a time and a place for that. And yeah, I often want whatever JB wants, 273 00:15:18,740 --> 00:15:21,880 I'm happy with . Let me turn my brain off. This is great. Um, 274 00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:26,280 but I also have needs, right? And it is my job to figure that out. 275 00:15:26,710 --> 00:15:28,920 I've figured out a lot of them with j b's help, 276 00:15:29,020 --> 00:15:31,680 that's been part of the fun of this and, and part of the mm-hmm. 277 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:36,160 path and journey. Um, but it is still my responsibility to go, 278 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,840 Hey, hi, this is what I need. This is what I want. Yeah. 279 00:15:38,860 --> 00:15:43,440 And if you know your partner won't listen or makes empty 280 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:44,880 promises and does not fulfill them, 281 00:15:45,270 --> 00:15:50,220 then you have to hold them accountable and Right. That often looks like, okay, 282 00:15:50,260 --> 00:15:54,100 I guess we can't do this anymore. And that sucks and that hurts. 283 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:58,860 But that is better than staying in an unfulfilling relationship where you 284 00:15:59,050 --> 00:16:00,300 grow resentful over time. 285 00:16:00,970 --> 00:16:01,940 True. True. Mm-hmm. . 286 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,580 Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. 287 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:06,460 If you want us to answer one of your questions, 288 00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:09,660 just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, 289 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,580 or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always, 290 00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:14,340 to our Kinky community over on Patreon, 291 00:16:14,470 --> 00:16:18,260 we're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help kink Sters due to your 292 00:16:18,260 --> 00:16:18,920 support. 293 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:22,380 If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a 294 00:16:22,380 --> 00:16:25,780 Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice ks, you can do that. 295 00:16:25,970 --> 00:16:28,500 Just join us at patreon.com/kloss. 296 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:32,540 That's patreon.com/klos, or use the link in the show notes.