You are listening to the loving B D S M podcast, Kayla Lord's Here're, the one,
the only, the thank God you're patient with me, John Brownstone.
. I try.
I appreciate it.
And it tries my patience, but I try.
One of us, one of us has to be patient in this relationship. ,
we know it's not me, so I'm glad it's you. Uh,
this week we're doing the first of a thing we said we were gonna do, uh,
we're gonna start answering single questions in shorter episodes.
This is the first one. Uh,
we are answering a question about somebody who is looking for their first
dominant partner after a rough vanilla breakup. Mm.
Welcome to the Loving B D S M podcast. If you didn't know who we are, hi.
We help Kister like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships,
and we do that by all kinds of ways. But also in this episode,
by answering your questions ,
you can add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an
episode. And if you'd like us to answer your question in an upcoming episode,
we have a contact page called Ask Your Questions on our website and in the show
notes for this episode. Okay. So let's get into this. Okay.
This is the question We mm-hmm. received recently.
I recently got out of a long-term very vanilla relationship that was virtually
non-sexual.
I'm now looking for a dominant who can be strong and lead me while I go through
this new period of change in my life,
but I'm feeling anxious about opening up that much vulnerability after a rough
breakup. What do I do?
Hmm. Well, I, first thing that kind of comes to my mind,
I would say, you know, start attending munches. Mm-hmm.
for one thing to, to meet people. And I,
I would say don't go looking for a relationship.
Look for a friend. Okay. Um, you know, I,
I know to some that may sound funny,
but to start out as friends allows you to build yourself
to being able to be vulnerable again. And.
Also to figure out if this is a person who's worthy of your vulnerability.
Correct. Like.
Correct. Get to know somebody on a level that doesn't have the pressure of, oh,
you're Dom, I'm sub mm-hmm. ,
we have to negotiate this power exchange. Make sure you like their personality,
that you like them as a human being,
that you would want to spend time with them. Yes.
That they are a person that you feel like you could confide in.
You won't always get it right.
You're gonna come across people who taught good game and say all the right
things, and then you find out later, oh, they weren't who they said they were.
Mm-hmm. . But especially after going through a rough breakup,
especially with being new to this. Like,
please take your time and go as slow as possible now for new submissives.
And it happens to experience submissives who are getting into a new
relationship, but for new submissives, uh, sub frenzy is a very real thing.
Mm-hmm. , um,
we will link to that in the places where we've talked about that in the past.
But in a nutshell, it's the, uh,
extreme excitement to finally submit.
And the excitement is at such a level that you sort of forget all
self-protective measures.
You make decisions that are not necessarily in your best interest out of the
desire and desperation to submit to anyone, whether they're, you know,
waving red flags or not. Mm-hmm. . Um,
sometimes it can mean making decisions that even if the partner is not a bad
person, they're a good person,
but you're still making decisions that go against your own self-interest and are
not necessarily good for you. Um, so be, that's something to be careful of.
That's another reason to go slow. Get to know a person, even if you,
if it's online and not necessarily in real life at a munch or a community event.
Mm-hmm. , if, you know, if you find online community,
you can do this as well. Get to know them, take it slow. Right.
Make sure they're a person that you feel comfortable with.
And then if you get to the point where you feel ready to be vulnerable with
them, you still start slow there as well.
I think that part of what happens for folks who realize they're kinky,
who realize, okay, I've just finished this vanilla relationship.
I want my next relationship to be kinky to be a power exchange.
They imagine the end goal. So you've gone from, okay,
this last relationship ended horribly.
I know the picture I have in my head of what I want,
and instead of envisioning that,
and I can understand if you are also an impatient person,
why this would be hard to envision,
but instead of envisioning this as a very long path from where you're at now to
where you're trying to get, uh, I think a lot of people go, that's what I want.
And so they imagine the whole thing all neatly wrapped up,
the negotiated power exchange, their role is a submissive,
all the 10 or 11 million things they're gonna do. Right? Yeah. Instead of going,
okay, let's talk about this as a, okay,
let me maybe go learn about kink on my own first. Right.
Let me just meet somebody and see if I like them as a person.
Let me take this slow.
And, and that's something that, that had come to my mind in this too. I mean,
they don't really say in there whether they are, you know, a,
a submissive looking for a power exchange or if they're a masochist, you know,
looking for, for a sadist or a combination of the two. Um,
or.
Any other.
Combination or any other combination, you know, because there, it, it's,
it's such a spectrum. But at any rate, you know,
one of the things I was thinking to, to mirror what you said about, you know,
going to different workshops,
whether it's virtual in person to learn more about kink, um, you know, you're,
you're new to this and, and I understand, you know,
to say you want thinking about a relationship, but at the same time,
maybe think about having a, a top bottom. Okay.
So that way you can try different things and, and not have the pressure of,
you know, looking for a relationship. You know,
find a play partner where you can explore.
And that's one element.
The other element is if you are submissive and you're looking for a power
exchange, before you go off to search out the dominant of your hopeful dreams,
go learn about submission and what it you think it means to you. Mm-hmm.
,
and I say what you think it means to you because there will be the vision you
have in your head, your understanding of it based on your solo, um,
exploration. And then there will be the reality of, oh,
this is another human being that I am negotiating with and we are compromising
with and we are cooperating with,
and we are figuring out what works for both of us.
And those can sometimes be slightly different things. Mm-hmm. .
So instead of maybe worrying about getting into that first relationship,
spend some time learning about what it means to be a submissive, a bottom,
a masochist a, whatever,
however you think you might identify whatever kinks and parts of B D Ss M appeal
to you. Spend some time learning about that on your own. One,
it will allow you to get to know people without the pressure of a relationship.
If you go to online workshops or in-person workshops or classes or whatever,
two,
it will give you an idea of who you think you might be within kink and who you'd
like to be and what you'd like to experience.
So that when you start having conversations with people,
especially potential doms or tops,
you have a better idea in that conversation of what you're looking for.
It makes it easier to weeded out people who aren't necessarily the right
fit for you. It also can increase your confidence. It it,
from my experience,
the more well-informed a potential ster is,
even if they haven't gotten to have any, you know, re air quote,
real life mm-hmm. , um, practice at it.
The more you understand about yourself and kink,
the easier it can sometimes be to see through the fakes, the posers,
the people who just know a few words and aren't looking for what you're looking
for or aren't real, or whatever. It just,
it's overall . Mm-hmm. ,
the more you can learn before you even worry about jumping into a relationship,
I think the better off you're going to be.
Yeah. I mean, this is kind of putting it in a nutshell, but,
you know, learn about yourself,
what you want out of kink, what you can offer a partner,
and then when you're looking for somebody for a relationship,
what they can offer you and how that fits.
And when you can do that,
and when you can get to know yourself and you can hopefully grow your own
confidence.
I'm not gonna say it's not scary to be vulnerable with a new person. Mm-hmm.
,
especially if you've gone through a bad breakup or you've had some not great
relationships,
especially where maybe either you weren't allowed to be vulnerable or your
vulnerability was weaponized against you. Those are, are very real things,
but it can make it easier to figure out or to decide,
is this person worth it? Is this a person I want mm-hmm.
to be vulnerable with.
Partly because if you go into looking for any kink partner,
but speaking specifically to submissives here, submissives.
If you go into kink going,
I'm just looking for a dom and I don't know anything else.
There are some bad actors out there who will say literally anything that sounds
kind of right and kind of makes you go, Ooh, that sounds sexy, that sounds fun.
And they're dangerous. That can be.
A recipe for disaster.
Yeah. Right.
And then any trust you might've had in the process of finding the right
partner for you is, you know, you're 10 steps back at that point,
because now you have to work through whatever that situation was
and whatever that situation did for you. So my personal advice,
when you know your kinky know, you want a kinky partner,
know maybe specifically that you want a power exchange,
but especially when you're coming off of a bad breakup or any kind of breakup or
you're just new to it, is take your sweet ass time,
slow the hell down and focus on you.
Focus on your education, your wants, your needs.
If you don't know what they are, this is a great time to figure them out.
That's true. And in getting to know people, don't worry about,
is this person gonna be my next dom?
Is this a person I'm gonna get into a relationship with?
Take the time to figure out, do I like this person? And if it wasn't for kink,
would I be willing to hang out with them? Right.
And sometimes that's enough information for you to go, okay, no,
they're not even somebody I would want to get coffee with. Yeah. ,
let alone get on my knees for Right . Like, yeah. I think that's a,
that's a good starting point. After that,
once you've spent that time on yourself and you've gotten to know people as
friends, then it's a matter of just taking it slow at any point.
If you are too scared to be that vulnerable,
that probably means you're not quite ready.
The right person for you is gonna wait for you.
I say this from experience ,
JB and I met right as I was going through my very first ever and better be
my only DSS breakup.
And I thought my heart had shattered into a million pieces.
I didn't want a relationship. I wasn't looking to submit to anybody.
And he kind of rocked up and was just friendly.
He wasn't looking for anything either. Mm-hmm. We started out as friends.
We did some power exchange things outside of a
romantic relationship. Right. It wasn't even sexual. Uh, for us,
power exchange and sex are kind, they,
they are part and parcel with one another. That's not true for everybody. Um,
and I,
my heart knew I was in love with him and could probably tell him anything
well before my brain did.
And so I stopped myself a lot from being vulnerable.
And this man fucking waited. He waited, he worked, he kept,
he didn't even work hard. He just, just kept being who he was and showing up,
showing up and being real and being vulnerable with me.
And the more he was vulnerable with me,
the more I learned I could be vulnerable with him. And it took months.
And that was okay because he was willing to wait for that.
He thought I was worth it. And clearly,
some part of me that was not talking to the other part of me thought so too.
And now we're here 10 years later, not without our problems,
not without some shit that's gone down.
Nothing, nothing is ever perfect.
Of course not. No. But he wanted to be with,
once he realized he wanted to be with me,
he wanted to be with me enough that he was willing to wait for me to catch up.
And the more he kept showing up and being the person he said he was,
the more I could allow myself to be vulnerable over time.
But that was not a, I met him on a Monday,
and by Tuesday I thought I had to tell him everything.
As we negotiated a power exchange, this was weeks and months in the making.
And every once in a while you catch lightning in a bottle and you meet somebody
and you just know. But those are the exceptions, not the rule.
And especially when you've been through bad breakups or just bad relationships,
or you're, you're, and especially when you're new to kink,
please take your time.
Please let somebody work hard to earn your trust.
That is not gonna save you from all heartbreak. It's not gonna,
you know, prevent problems from happening.
It's not gonna ensure that you have a perfect power exchange,
but it's gonna help you get to where you need to be on your own time.
And ultimately, that tends to lead to better outcomes. Yeah. So, yeah,
that's what we think you should do, ,
go meet people and get to know them as friends.
Learn, understand yourself. Mm-hmm.
, do some self-exploration. Mm-hmm. ,
and then take your damn time. Yep. Please take your damn time, .
And, and have fun with it.
Yes. It shouldn't,
whether it's finding a power exchange partner or getting kinky for the first
time. The thing I,
I don't think people ought to feel is pressure to go get it all done.
Like we're checking things off of a to-do list. No, this is play. It's sexy,
kinky, taboo play, but it is play and it ought to be fun.
So Ella agrees as she meows in the background. ,
have fun. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode.
If you want us to answer one of your questions,
just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always,
to our kinky community over on Patreon,
we're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help kinks do to your
support.
If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a
Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice kinks, you can do that.
Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords.
That's patreon.com/kayla lords. Or use the link in the show notes.