You're listening to the Loving B D S M podcast, episode 360 2.
Kayla the Lord's with the one, the only, the K's back. John Brownstone. I'm,
I am, I'm, thank God.
Yeah. Happy to be back.
. I, you know what's funny? I know I'm happy to be back and for like,
reasons that everybody would,
would certainly understand or empathize with or relate to, but your,
I'm so happy to be back is like next level. Like, I can't even compete, like,
right. That's true. I wanna compete. Like, I want my missing you to be worse,
but you went through it.
Next time I'll send you in my place.
Oh, those people couldn't handle me. And also I would've,
I would've just taken the next flight back. I'd have been like, oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. I'm not here for your bullshit. None of you people make sense.
You all need therapy .
And for somebody to like tell you to your face to like fuck off,
like you all need that . So, but I'm glad you're back with me. I am too.
And you're feeling the love. I am. I know. A little,
just a little bit of explaining how your time away went and both
boys were like hugging you and going, I love you so much. I know.
. I know, I know.
So can you feel the love? Yes, you can.
Yes I can. Yes you can.
Yep. So what's funny is we're back, but also we're going on break next week.
So Yeah. We're going back for a minute. Um, yeah, we're here. Uh,
welcome to the Loving B D S M podcast. If this is your first time listening,
glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving B D S M is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure in education.
And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app.
You can also follow the show on Twitter at loving BDSM on fe life at Loving BDSM
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number one. So at Loving DSS one,
or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving bdsm, where you can watch us live,
stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes.
Big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon. Uh, quite frankly,
they, uh, we're grateful for them for all the reasons, but also like,
it's one of those places where you go and you're like,
let me rant about this insanity.
And I'm glad you have that space , and you have that community. Yep. Uh,
that's not all that we do over there.
You don't just have to be like the bearer of all our bad news or anything like
that. You don't have to. No, no, no. We, we do other things. .
We've got a Discord server where the ranting takes place. Uh,
we do a behind the scenes podcast. We've got an exclusive video.
We do a monthly live stream.
We do extra little things depending on the tier you choose. Like we, we try to,
to give as much as if not more than we receive.
And we are grateful, especially good Lord,
in this economy for anybody who is able to be part of our community right.
At any fucking tier, uh, . So, uh,
if either JB Rants or all the other stuff, uh,
appeal to you and it's in your budget,
we would love to invite you to join our kinky community over on Patreon. Uh,
just go to patreon.com/kayla lords, that's patreon.com/kayla lords,
or use the link in the show notes, uh, to learn more, sign up,
all that good stuff.
Sure.
what I said? Is that what you're Yeah, sure. Okay. Okay.
So the next thing you will hear might be a buzz in the background.
That is our handy dandy fan. No, no, you, that was you being a buzzing little.
Beat . Uh.
I do say, I think,
I'm not sure the light we're currently using for the YouTube side of this,
I feel like it's putting off less heat. Like it's still warm in here. Yeah. The,
what did you say? The,
the heat index temperature out the feels like temperature outside is 113. Um.
Feels like temperature at a quarter of, of at,
at 1145 this morning was 113 degrees Fahrenheit.
And we still have two or three hours of it just getting hotter. Right.
So fun times. Fun times. Okay. So, uh,
before we get into the questions, uh, a couple of announcements. One,
uh, the week after this episode goes out, the week that contains the date,
August 16th, we are on a break. Um,
we are prepping the 18 year old to get packed up. Who?
He will wait till like nine o'clock the day before.
We need to leave to finish packing 'cause I know him. Um,
he's packing to go to college to go to his freaking college apartment.
Not dorm. Not dorm. Where you get to come home like, you know,
holidays and summers. No, no, no apartment with a 12 month fricking lease.
So maybe he'll come home every so often for like a day or two.
Um, I can't even use the, oh, he'll come home to do laundry.
'cause his apartment has a washer dryer, .
Right.
I get, I get none of the perks of send your kid off and be done with them,
but also they'll still come home. Um, thankfully he's an hour away.
I can go see him whenever I want . Uh, but that is next week.
Sending the, our first kid to college. Um, the 13 year old goes,
starts middle school today. What? You look confused. What happened?
Whatcha looking for? My.
Phone is blowing up.
Oh. That he can hear it in his hearing aids. I'm like, what is happening? Um,
so yeah, we're taking a break, but we have our monthly,
regularly scheduled YouTube livestream. Friday night livestream.
That will still happen August 18th. Um, will it be mostly me like complaining,
um, and going, I can't believe it, blah, blah, blah. Probably, probably. Um,
so no episode, livestream podcast episode, whatever the week of August 16th.
Uh, but there will be a Friday night live stream, so ta-da.
Those are really the announcements. Um,
the questions we, I asked her questions over at that handle I, uh,
hate on Instagram. And uh,
I ask for them there because the way Instagram works,
it is much easier to keep them organized and that's how I like it. Um,
so that's what we're going to start with.
I screenshot them 'cause I wasn't convinced I would still be able to access them
later, but now I'm trying to get to them and so there we go. Okay.
So we're gonna go through these questions.
I'm not even gonna try for rapid answer rapid fire. Y'all know us.
We're not even capable. Um,
I don't think we'll take questions from like the YouTube live chat or anything
like that. Um, maybe, but I don't think so. Uh,
just know that there are other opportunities to ask questions. Uh, we,
that Friday night live stream on August 18th,
that will be a Q and a and then we do a q and a for our patrons once a month,
um, where you can ask questions there. And that's actually this Saturday,
August 12th. So there are other opportunities. Um,
so let's get into these and no,
I'm not saying names 'cause privacy and all that. Hmm. Okay. First question.
Yeah. I'm looking at these, right? Yeah.
Do you believe you have to be in a power dynamic to truly be a part of kink or B
D S M?
No. No.
No. Power exchange is just one part of, it's part of the DSS of B D S M,
so mm-hmm. , you can reject that part and still be kinky as fuck.
Sure.
I mean, my God, I, I've been in this long enough,
I have known masochists who love to,
you know, receive all kinds of pain
and they do not have a submissive bone in their body. Mm-hmm. Okay.
You can be in a
power exchange dynamic and, and not have a masochistic bone in your body.
Right. There.
May be a lot of kinky things that you're, you're submissive your dom,
but there are other Yeah. Plenty of kinky activities. You're like,
that's not my jam. I'm just here for the power exchange. So it goes both ways.
And, you know, you can be,
even you, you, you can be, how do I say it? How do I say it?
How the hell do I say it?
I don't know. 'cause you're.
Fuzzy. Um, you're right. . Um, I mean,
even if you're not in a relationship with somebody,
doesn't make you any less kinky if you're a submissive or you're a masochist.
Or.
I've actually seen people try to say the opposite,
that if you're in a power exchange, you're not somehow not part of B D S M.
So the,
the fact that there's something floating around out there to make somebody have
to ask this to wonder mm-hmm.
that if you're somehow not in a power exchange,
you're somehow not kinky. Like,
that's weird to me because DOM and sub is a relationship style. Mm-hmm.
, that's the power exchange, right? It's part of the,
the acronym B D S M. But there's tops and bottoms. Like you,
you can, like giving or receiving the activity, the sensation,
the whatever mm-hmm.
and never negotiate a power exchange relationship. Right.
There.
Are plenty of sters, like I've come across more sters who think it's not weird,
but they like give some side eye to power exchange relationships because for
them it's purely a top bottom. Mm-hmm.
activity based, kink based, scene based kind of deal. So,
yeah. Um, next one.
This one's not really a question, but more of a,
I guess give our thoughts on kind of situation. Okay.
It's dealing with rejection in a DSS dynamic or DSS breakups having
more feeling this person asked for multiple things.
So let's talk about dealing with rejection in a, a DSS dynamic.
So there's different, two different kind of rejection.
There's the rejection of the thing you wanna do, or the thing you asked for,
or the thing you're interested in,
and then there's rejection of you as the person,
which typically then leads to a breakup.
So rejection of not breakup rejection, but other kind of rejection.
How would you recommend dealing with rejection in a power exchange
dynamic?
Um, I, I think one, the, the one most important thing I,
I have learned when it comes to any kind of rejection mm-hmm.
, um, is that it's not personal. Don't try not to take it personal.
Right. It's usually about the person who's rejecting Right. Saying, okay,
that's not my thing. Or mm-hmm. ,
you're probably a perfectly fine human being, but you're not my person. Correct.
Or whatever the rejection is now. Correct.
Can people be shitty about their rejection? Yeah. And be like, assholes. Oh,
fucking course. Yeah. Again, that's about them, not you. Mm-hmm. ,
but.
Yeah. You know, so, you know, it, it's, it's a hard thing to do.
You know, it's easy to say not to take it personally. Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. All right. It's a very easy thing to say. And, and, you know,
when you're in it at that, at the moment, it's hard not to,
you, you have to really kind of work at it.
And it's a lifelong skill, you know? 'cause one day you'll be like, yeah,
I can handle rejection. And then the next day it, you know,
it makes you weepy and question.
Yourself. Exactly. Exactly.
And the thing I would say about rejection in a power exchange,
let's say the power exchange is going along just fine.
You're happy to be in the relationship,
but you have brought up a thing to your partner that you'd like to do or try or
experience, and they have rejected that idea. Um,
that does not mean that you,
like the relationship is over unless it is something that is,
you require to have a happy, healthy relationship. And you are like,
this is my non-negotiable. Oftentimes it can be more of a,
okay, we, you don't wanna do this. What can we do? Mm-hmm. ,
if you can do this without pressuring a partner,
we do not pressure partners when they're like, no, I'm not into that thing.
Right.
But if it's a thing where they need more time to learn more about it,
or they have a misconception of what it is,
if they are open to learning about it or having you talk to them about it,
or sharing why they're rejecting the idea,
and then they're willing to let you tell them, he, okay,
you reject for this idea, but let me tell you what maybe you don't know.
That's always a possibility.
Something that you reject on at one point doesn't always mean it's
never going to happen. Sometimes it might happen,
but not if you pressure your partner . If you,
if you make them feel bad or guilty for rejecting your idea,
then we're, we're in the manipulation kind of part of things. And,
you know, if you,
if a partner feels like they have to say yes to something to keep the
relationship or to keep you happy,
or to avoid whatever bad feelings they don't wanna avoid, that's coercion.
. We're, we're not mm-hmm. , we're not working with, uh,
enthusiastic informed consent anymore. No. So it's a tricky line. You know,
I think it's okay if your partner's willing to tell you, okay, why is this a no?
Like, if they're willing to have that conversation with you. Um,
I think Empower Exchange
one should do their best to be more open to trying to explain why.
But sometimes the answer is, I just don't like it.
And that has to be enough of a reason. . But sometimes the answer is, oh,
well, I think it's this, like, some stereotype of it. Yeah.
Like when I asked if the,
we've told this story multiple times when I asked if you thought you might be a
daddy dom, you literally laughed.
Yeah, I did.
And here we are today. Right. Very much in my mind, the epitome of a daddy dom.
Um, because you had misconceptions about it. Yeah. So you te yes,
you rejected that sort of path and that view,
but it wasn't a reject 'cause this is a hard limit.
And don't ever talk to me about this again. This is will always be a No.
It was more of a ha this is what I think it is. And I'm definitely not that.
And it allowed over time for us to have conversations about it. Mm-hmm.
. So there's also that which is highly nuanced .
And it is a fine line between is this something that the person is open to
talking about,
maybe learning more about and thinking about versus this is a hard, no,
excuse me. This is a hard no. And we need to leave him alone about it.
Rejection of you as a person for the relationship, the breakup part.
Any tips on how to handle that level of rejection?
Um,
I think there what needs to be done. I,
I think the best thing you can do after breakup is,
is self care.
Yeah. Take care of yourself.
For sure. And, and a lot of it because, you know, it's,
it's easy to fall into a mindset, you know,
um, after a breakup, woe is me. Right?
Nobody will ever love me. I'm lost and alone forever. Right? Yeah. Yeah.
For sure. And, and that is not true. That is absolutely not true. And,
and self-care for yourself is, is so important. You know, um,
do things that feed your soul, whatever that may be. Mm-hmm. ,
you know, whether it, it it's being with friends who, who, you know,
can support you. Um,
do things that you love to do, um,
you know, dive into a hobby,
right. That, that you like, or that you've been wanting to try, you know,
try something new, but, but take care of you.
And sometimes that means for a little bit, you need to withdraw from kink.
Mm-hmm. and the bdsm. Mm-hmm. , maybe not community.
Like if you have friends that, you know, friendships you've built, but like,
maybe you don't go to a munch.
'cause that's a little too hard for you right now. Yeah.
Maybe you don't go to the club. Maybe you're not mm-hmm. ,
you know, watching videos or whatever it is that, you know,
reminds you of this thing that you've lost, that you no longer have.
The other thing I would say, because I hear it from people who are like, well,
we were only in this dynamic for insert imagined short amount of time,
they'll go, I don't feel like I, I'm allowed to feel as bad as I do.
You get to feel as bad as you feel.
I don't care if the relationship was a couple of weeks. Right. Couple of months,
a couple of years you thought that something was going to happen.
You were invested. I imagine in this relationship, in this dynamic, hell,
you might have gone through everything of starting negotiations to negotiating
it, to actually experiencing the power exchange. And now it's over.
That's a loss. That's a, that's a thing. You get to grieve, you know,
we always say be careful that you don't get stuck there. Like, you know,
you have, there's no timeline for how long you need to grieve. Um,
but sometimes people can get stuck there and it, it becomes, you know,
unhealthy at a certain point. How long is that? I can't tell you. Um. Right.
But I think that you are, you ought to,
and I would encourage people to feel your feelings. Like,
just be sad, be angry, be whatever. Don't be toxic.
Don't be stalkerish, . Mm-hmm.
.
You know? Right. Like, honor the grief that you feel it's legitimate.
Your feelings were legitimate. Um, and,
and yeah, a as you're going through the grief, as you come out of the grief,
whatever it is,
take care of yourself and do things that make you feel good to the extent that
you can,
for some people that's diving into kink and being in that space with friends and
community.
And for some people it's pulling back a little bit until they feel ready.
There's no right.
Or wrong. Right. Some, some, some people, you know,
at that point want to be out and about among friends. Mm-hmm. , um,
some people, um, you know, need the time of,
of being an introvert and, and doing some self-reflecting. You know,
ev everybody's different.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
And we do have both podcast episodes and I think videos on YouTube about DSS
breakups. So if you're looking for more,
come search our site or our channel and you will find it. Next question.
Any beginner friendly tips for a service? Submissive?
I'm gonna interject and say we have an entire episode on service submission.
Mm-hmm. , I am a service submissive.
So it's one of those topics I'm like, oh, yeah, I got things to say. Mm-hmm.
. Um, but do you have any beginner friendly tips?
Um, I, I think the,
the best tip I could give someone at that point would be to say,
you know,
learn what the person you are serving wants.
Ask them. Ask.
Them, what would you like ? Yeah. You know, you,
you're not a mind reader. So, you know, sure.
There are some things you could probably figure out by, you know,
clues watching them. Right. You know? Right. Conversations you've had,
con conversations you've had, but, you know. Yeah. The best way is just,
just ask. Yeah. How, how can I.
How can I serve? How can I help? Yeah. Um,
I think it's also good to think about what you're naturally good at. Mm-hmm.
. So if there are skills that you have that can help your partner,
it might be that they don't even know to ask if for you to do that. Um,
it's okay to say, Hey, I'm kind of good at this, or I enjoy doing this.
Fill in the blank with whatever that might be. Uh,
I'm really good at managing people's schedules.
So guess who manages the family schedule? That would be me. Mm-hmm.
, um,
pre perimenopause and brain fog and whatever the hell's going on with my head
and hormones and all of that. I was really good at staying organized.
Like I technically am. I just have to use way more tools at my disposal.
And so I tend to keep JB and myself very organized, like that's mm-hmm.
, those are the things I do that are, um, service related.
And I think that those are the, there are things that we,
you can do as a service submissive that aren't on sort of the,
here are the top 10 things you can do to serve Right. As a submissive mm-hmm.
kind of lists that are out there, um,
because they're a little bit more nuanced. It's about what,
what you can do for your partner that you have a talent for and an aptitude for,
and a desire to do.
The other beginner friendly tip would be start really fucking slow. Um,
service submission tends to come with lots of rules, lots of tasks,
lots of sort of daily or weekly or monthly protocols that you follow as a
way to serve.
That is something you build up to that is not something you do on day one.
on day one. We start with like a thing that you do to serve a task.
A rule, not a dozen. Um, that's how you get overwhelmed.
That's how you get burnt out. Um, you want, uh, talking to the doms out there,
you wanna build your partner up and build up their confidence in themselves.
So you start with one thing.
You let them kind of like get that down and get it to where they,
they feel like they can do this.
And then with their consent and through plenty of communication,
then you add something else. And the pace of that, how fast you add things,
depends on what the tasks are, what the services, and how quickly they,
you're a submissive adapts and feels confident. But we starts, look,
that's probably my biggest beginner friendly tip. And then, yeah.
The second one is submissives. Ask what you can do for your partner.
It is not service if your partner doesn't want it from you. Okay.
It is you feeling submissive without the input
and consent of your dominant mm-hmm. .
It's not service if it only serves you and your dominance. Like, but I didn't,
I didn't ask for this and I don't want this and this doesn't benefit me in some
way. So don't assume, ask. Yeah. Yeah.
, I know I've come across plenty of people who are like,
but this is a way that I conserve and, and this makes me happy. And I'm like,
but my, my dom is unhappy with me. Well, yeah. Did, did y'all talk about it?
Mm-hmm. Did they want you to do this for them?
There are plenty of horror stories from the internet, quite frankly,
from my view, most often with fem doms,
excuse me,
fem doms and male subs where male subs will send a DMM of here's all the things
I can do Yeah. And that you can do for me. And it's like,
we're back to kink dispenser kind of thing. Mm-hmm. .
And it's not about negotiating something that is mutually beneficial for both
partners. Right. It's about saying, you know, a person goes,
here's my list of demands and here's what I'm gonna do for you whether you want
it or not. 'cause it's what I do. That ain't service. That ain't service.
Mm-hmm. That ain't service. So, okay. And just as a reminder,
we have a whole episode on service mission search the podcast on our website,
search YouTube. It's there. Okay. Here we go, man.
Folks have questions about ending relationships. Uh, here's one.
What is your best advice for dealing with the healthy ending of a dynamic?
Ooh.
I know they happen. I know they happen.
Yeah. Yeah.
I haven't witnessed it or been a part of one, but I dunno.
, . Um, I,
I think that, I would have to say it would have to come down to,
you know,
treat the ending of the relationship the same way as you would treat
the beginning. Mm-hmm. of relationship. Mm-hmm. , um,
you know, try to do it with respect, with honesty. Uh, you know,
there's no need for, for name calling or, or,
um, you know, shaming someone Right. Or anything like that. And,
and sometimes it's just a matter of, you know,
things take time to kind of let the, let the dust settle.
And also there's the, the other end of, you know, the,
the demanding to have information that the other person's not willing to give
the begging and pleading. Mm-hmm. The mm-hmm. , you know, I,
I like how you say treat the end like you treat at the beginning. You know,
keep the lines of communication open if the other person wants that. Yeah.
But respect the person's boundaries if they say, Hey, I, I don't want to,
I can't do this anymore. I don't wanna do this anymore, anymore. This I,
whatever, whatever it is. Okay. So that means you can,
I think you can ask questions in that initial conversation. Um, can I text you?
Can I dmm you? Do you want mm-hmm. ,
do you want to keep the lines of communication open at all? Um,
I think ask those questions. Sure. But then respect the answer they give you.
And sometimes the answer will be, I don't know what I want, but how about you,
let me reach out to you. Well, okay. Well that means no 2:00 AM uh,
, uh, texts, uh, walls of text. Yeah. You know what I mean?
Yeah. Just, just.
Respect whatever it is they tell you.
And this is in those healthy endings of relationships, not the toxic shit,
not the, the bad breakups. That,
that's a different set of rules where sometimes the answer is blocky block,
block, block. Right. But quite frankly, even in a healthy ending,
the what might be good for your mental health when a relationship ends is that
you do mute them or you do block them, or, you know,
because maybe seeing reminders of them is too painful.
It is up to you whether you tell them first or not that you're going to do that.
Um, but you know, you can still do the,
take those actions to take care of yourself and it not be part of a toxic
breakup. Um, but yeah,
like if you're having sort of like the grownup conversation of, okay,
this is ending, how do we want this to end? Yeah.
I think if you ever get that luxury,
you negotiate it like you negotiated the start. Mm-hmm.
What does this look like? What does this mean? What's,
what are you comfortable with? What are you not comfortable with? Some people,
I'm one of them. I am not a, can be friends with my ex kind of person. Like,
once I'm done with you, I'm kind of just done with you .
But other people can be like that, that works for them. Yeah. And so, you know,
there's a little bit of know yourself,
but also respect when they tell you whether they can or can't be that way.
So, yeah. Okay. Next question.
Moving in together soon.
How to prep for transitioning DSS dynamics to 24 7? Uh,
total power exchange. We have episodes on this. Oh yeah. Yeah.
We have so many episodes on this. Uh,
we have podcast episodes that are old as fuck. And we have a couple of like,
new one, maybe two new-ish videos on YouTube.
So if you go to any of our places and just type in long distance relationship,
it'll come up. Mm-hmm. , how to prep for transitioning. Be.
Prepared for expectations to change. Be.
Prepared for your plan to fail miserably.
Right.
Plan. If you were a planner, go ahead and plan.
Right. But.
Just know you might have to throw out the plan.
. Exactly. Um, yeah. We, we, because we did,
we we we hit the wall on that one. Who And I.
We had big plans.
Yeah. We did. We.
Were, we were ambitious. Yep.
We spent weeks and months talking about what we thought it would look like.
Right. We had our expectations set way up there.
Oh. They were not even realistic. We were gonna do all the things. Uhhuh,
. I do think the one thing we did really well that I don't like,
I think sometimes you think about it and sometimes you don't. Mm-hmm.
,
we knew that the rules and the routines and the things we had done long
distance,
there were some of those that just didn't make sense once you were in person.
Correct. You know, why am I gonna send you a morning text that, that's silly,
you know, , um,
it wouldn't have worked with our life for me to,
let's say call you at work every morning,
but to replace the morning text like that wouldn't have made sense.
So talking about what can't carry over from long
distance mm-hmm. to in person, uh,
as a good conversation have talking about what might be able to carry over and
you just adjust it. That's a good conversation to have. Yeah. Um,
I think yeah.
Being realistic about what you're able to do and being patient with both your
partner and yourself.
We went in guns blazing with all these things I was gonna do. Oh yeah.
I very quickly became overwhelmed and we literally like shut down the power
exchange for like two weeks because there's so much to like moving in together.
There was family dynamics, there were mm-hmm. , uh,
there was chaos of the apartment.
There was unpacking and building furniture and getting our life organized so we
could then try to start living it.
And adding in and trying to remember and maintain
rules and the things we negotiated for the power exchange. It, it,
I couldn't do both. It just was not even an option. No. Um,
and so then when we did come back from that break,
we did what we always recommend and we recommended 'cause it works.
We went super fucking slow.
Yeah. We did super.
Super slow. Yep. Yep. Adding sort of like one at a time kind of thing. Um,
so yeah.
Mm-hmm. .
Yeah. But managing your expectations and,
and understanding that no matter what your plan is, it,
it might not actually work in real life. It,
it makes it easier if you can kind of go, oh, yeah,
well we thought that might work, but that that's not working.
It's not working. So let's shift gears. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Um, 'cause if what you do is you go in with, this is the plan,
we have to execute the plan. We cannot deviate from the plan.
You have just stressed everybody out and now potentially both of you are
miserable and somebody's probably feeling like a failure and somebody's
wondering what the hell happened to your dynamic?
And maybe both of you are feeling that way and it's, it's unnecessary.
Just stay flexible. Mm-hmm. , make your plan. Mm-hmm.
have the conversations about what you think it'll be like. Right.
Yeah. Keep, keep your, excuse me. Keep your expectations,
um, realistic. Mm-hmm. , um, you know, make your plans,
but be willing to be flexible. Mm-hmm. .
Exactly. Okay. Next question.
What is a first time club B D S M club visit? Like,
especially if you are a monogamous couple?
So I'm gonna interrupt before you answer.
I find that curious that there might be a perception that
visiting a B D Ss M club or dungeon mm-hmm.
would be somehow different for a monogamous couple versus a,
you know, not, um, non-monogamous couple. Yeah. So for the record,
it's not necessarily walking into an orgy where you were expected to just get
naked and fall into a pile of bodies. It really is not.
You know, I I I, and I think that comes from,
and you know what, I'm, I'm not surprised. No, I'm not surprised to hear that.
I'm not surprised either that, that that portion, because you hear,
um, so many people, you know,
talking about being polyamorous mm-hmm. anymore,
which, which is a good thing in and of itself mm-hmm. .
But you hear it so much that you almost get this feeling it's expected to
be the norm. Yes.
Yes.
Okay. Agreed. Which, which is not really no. The case, um,
you know,
first time to a dungeon for most anybody, uh,
it does differ from from club to club,
but yet the more things change, the more they stay the same. They stay the same.
Yeah. Kind of thing. Um, of the two dungeons that I have been to,
uh, as a first timer, uh,
they just don't take and throw you into the action and say, Hey, no meat.
Right. Right. No.
No, no. That, that, that is not what happens at all. And.
Give major side eye to any, any individual who was like that to you at a club.
Right. Like, that's gross behavior.
Um, you know, both times at two different clubs, um,
on hearing, you're, you're, you're a new member, you know,
especially first time to any club period. Um,
you know, you fill out your membership forms, they.
Take you on a tour.
They, they take you on a tour, they give you a,
a list of rules and they will go over mm-hmm.
the list of rules with you mm-hmm. , um, you know,
princess Raw made a good point. You know, not all dungeons even allow sex.
And that's ab absolutely true here in the state of Florida.
I know. And you know what, I don't think it's always about sex, though.
I think people think that they're going to be ex and 'cause we have had friends
who had this concern mm-hmm.
that they're gonna be expected to scene or they're gonna be
expected to like,
negotiate a scene with multiple people or people they don't know. And, you know,
for a, for plenty of, uh, couples,
that kind of stuff is private between the two of them.
So they're not even interested in having a different scene partner. Yeah. So,
yes, I think sometimes people think mm-hmm. ,
it's just a sexual orgy. But I also think there are people who think, oh,
I've walked in. I now have to play with anybody who approaches me. Right.
Or that will be the expectation. Look,
you need to run from a place if you think that if you walk in and that's how
they treat you. Right.
Like, you know, so, because that ain't so, you know, um,
the other thing they do,
a lot of times they will point out the dungeon monitors, you know? Yes. Um, in,
in, in one dungeon, they, they have, uh, name,
name tags that they wear mm-hmm. , uh, another,
another dungeon or arm bands. They, they had armbands with, with, uh,
like low flashy lights. Low flashy lights. Mm-hmm. mm-hmm.
, you know, and, and if there's anything, you know,
these are the people, but you know, they, they don't, and, you know,
um, in, in most dungeons that I'm familiar with,
and I'm going by what I know from the state of Florida.
And different areas have different kind of.
Cultures of community, different community, right? Yes. Absolutely. Um,
you know, nudity is allowed mm-hmm. . Um,
but you don't have to be new.
I know.
It's so funny that I understand how this happens and why people sometimes feel
this way mm-hmm.
that just because something is allowed and people engage in it
does not mean that the whole room is expecting you to join in this, in healthy,
uh, thriving communities. It is all about consent. So yes,
there will be, you know, bad actors and people who are, but in general,
just because this person's taking their clothes off does not mean you have to
take your clothes off. Right. You were not a air quote this like, outcast,
weirdo, whatever, because you might sit quietly and observe and like mm-hmm.
.
The, the first time, the first time I took you to Phoenix, you were, um,
you know,
surprised to see everything from full nudity full Okay.
Saw all the bands to, to, you know, everything in between to people wearing,
you know, people.
Wearing their street clothes. They weren't even wearing fetish gear. Right.
Like,
and some places will have the rule that to the door of club street wear,
like, you need to look as kind of vanilla Yeah.
When you walk in the door mm-hmm. ,
and you're then in the sanctity of the place, then Okay. Right. It's.
They,
they have changing rooms where you can go get outta your street clothes and,
and put on your fetish gear or, or whatever it is that you want to wear.
And yet you don't, and you don't have to do that. You.
Don't, everything you see happening, you don't have to engage in or do. Right.
It is perfectly acceptable to go to the club and never actually get on a piece
of equipment. Right. To just observe or depending on how the place is set up.
Yeah. The,
sometimes the social area is completely separate and sometimes it's integrated,
but to just be in the social area and just hang out with people.
Right.
Because maybe you saw them at a munch that day and you went, Hey,
let's go to the club and like,
let's just hang out a little bit more in a different environment.
Whatever day. And, you know, even if you are approached by somebody, you know,
would, would you like to do a scene? Right. You know, you're, you're, you,
you are in a place where consent should be everything. Right. You know,
it's okay to say no.
Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Exactly. So, um,
we took friends to their first ever dungeon. We try,
I think we tried to take them to their first ever dungeon experience,
and the dom was like down for it.
He was feeling comfortable mm-hmm. , but his submissive partner,
even though we assured her multiple times,
nobody's gonna have any expectations of you. You can come in. Right.
You can just sit quietly. You could sit in the background.
You don't have have to talk to anybody.
There are times I'm not talking to anybody.
Back when I used to get to go mm-hmm. and people knew me,
like I would be polite, but like,
I wasn't engaging in conversation and that was okay. And we were like, I,
I promise you,
we would not bring you to a place where you were pressured to do anything you
weren't comfortable with. And for her, it was just,
it was more than she was willing to do.
And so I think we got in there for a little bit, and then they left very,
very early. Yeah. Which was fine. Mm-hmm. ,
nobody batted an eyelash. They went, okay,
we're so glad you stopped by for even this 10 minutes. Like,
it's now again,
are there people who do not respect consent, do not respect boundaries,
of course. And they exist in every part of humanity. Mm-hmm. ,
certainly in the B D S M world. We all know that. So yes,
you will sometimes come across a person who is not as respectful of those
boundaries or whatever as possible. First of all, like you said,
go tell somebody 'cause that's a problem. Yeah. But second of all,
that should never be the norm. Quite frankly, the places in the,
the parts of the community I've existed in,
even when I've been at my most socially awkward, socially anxious worst,
were super respectful of the fact that of,
of just the fact that I existed and maybe didn't even wanna talk. Like,
consent is key in the best parts of the community mm-hmm. .
And in the places you want to frequent, they're gonna make that top priority,
and they're gonna make that clear to you from the moment you walk in. So, yeah.
Okay. Okay.
Anything else you wanna add for that? Nope. Okay.
These next two are not questions. And normally I would ignore them,
but I think you could use the little, the little perk. Okay.
And the little like, positive, uh, reinforcement. And also I,
it's just nice to read nice things about yourself sometimes. Okay.
So the first person said, not a question,
but I love how you share how mental health affects your DSS and kink. Thank you.
Thank you. And the next one says, this is back to back two different people,
so mm-hmm. , nothing to ask. Just wanted to say,
you're doing a great job. Love the podcast. Aw. See, thank, thank you.
I always feel awkward when people say nice things about us . Yeah.
And yet, there are times when I'm like, you're kind of in the grind of like,
this is what we do, we gotta do it. Mm-hmm. , you worry,
you're not doing it good enough. You, you know,
I could see every flaw and error. I promise you,
when you do point out a flaw or error, I've seen it 10 times, I'm cringing,
you know, whatever. So when people say nice things, it's, it's helpful. Mm-hmm.
, like, it's like, oh, okay. Yeah. We're not complete shit. Yay.
. Okay. This one is fully for you.
Completely for you. I, I can't answer it at all. Okay. I think you'll enjoy it.
Okay.
Do you think you could ever make a kry toy that could also be
electrified for electro play?
Ooh.
If you don't know, we have a shop called the ry the ry.com where Jimmy,
JB makes toys when we sell them. Yay.
I may have to give that, that, I may have to give that some thought.
I like that. I, um, off, off the top of my head, I'm not sure. But, um,
yeah.
I mean, we do love electro.
Play. We do, we do.
Uh, let's just add that to your list. . Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You who prior to this time away were feeling like the,
the pressure of me being like, any product. Any product, maybe product.
Let's develop a whole new one. Actually, I think it would be fun though.
It would be fun. Mm-hmm. . Okay. So, uh, next one.
A vi I can't read, sorry.
Advice on ways to communicate boundaries to a partner in a nonverbal
judgment free way.
Say that. I'm sorry, say that again. You're.
Fuzzy. Yeah.
Advice on ways to communicate boundaries to a partner in a nonverbal
judgment free way.
Um.
Non-verbal, no words. Non-verbal. Ooh. Right.
So I'm gonna say that there are probably people out there who have some tips and
tricks because maybe mm-hmm. , there are, you know, health reasons,
medical reasons, mental health reasons,
neurodivergent reasons why somebody might need a non-verbal communication.
I am only, I only know how to communicate verbally.
I can't even read facial expressions sometimes. I mean, big ones, like,
I can tell if you're happy, I can tell if you're angry sometimes,
but like that whole, oh, we talk to each other with our eyes, I can't do that.
Mm-hmm. But people can, I know.
I know. There, there are, there are people who can, um, I can't, I mean,
the thing that comes to my mind mm-hmm. as non-verbal mm-hmm.
mm-hmm. , um, would be to write.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you can, you're using words, you're just not saying them.
Correct. And I'm a big fan of writing out down the hard thing. Yeah. Like,
I can't say the thing 'cause it's hard for me, but I can write it down. Mm-hmm.
, edit myself.
Right.
To like a ridiculous amount. Oh my lord. Mm-hmm. . And then,
so that might be a way.
I mean, there was, but if.
We're talking about not using words at all.
I personally don't know. I, I mean, there was a time so long ago,
I I can, it's, it's at the edge of my memory. Mm.
When you had a hard time using your words with me. Oh.
God. Viewport thing got so many long emails. Yes.
And then there were times where I didn't want to email for whatever reason,
and I would get literal paper and a pen,
and then you would wake up to three pieces of paper. College ruled only. I mean,
that's just what I do. Mm-hmm. front and back.
Yeah. . Yeah. So, I mean, that's.
All of.
My thoughts. Yeah. So that, and that, and that's why I say that because,
you know, they're, they're saying nonverbal to me, verbal, then connotate.
Speaking. Right.
Speaking so, you know, then, then write it. If that's a, a comfortable way.
In, in my opinion,
the only way to make sure your communication is as clear as possible is words
have to be involved in some way. Mm-hmm. ,
now you communicate those words. Yeah. Right. Sometimes it's not speaking,
it's writing. Sometimes you are not like, hello,
people who use sign language exists. They, they are speaking mm-hmm.
and not vocalizing words. So whatever path you can,
can use to communicate your thoughts
is a valid one. Um, are there ways to,
I don't wanna say intuit and be intuitive with one another.
'cause that's a slippery slope of you have, you have to really know a person.
Correct. Um, that's, that's way too fuzzy for me,
but I have no doubt that there, I mean, we've had,
we have con this is not about king. This is our personal life.
We have conversations where the youngest kid will go.
I don't think non-verbal is quite the right expression because it's a,
it's selective. It's not like constant, but like that,
like just he cannot speak mm-hmm. . Right. Um,
and in that case, we do a lot of yes or no questions,
or giving two options, one or two. And then he uses, like, pops up,
like a finger goes the first one, the second one. Um, so yes,
I know that occurs. And then there are ways to communicate
non-verbally in those kinds of situations.
And I have no doubt that there are folks out there who have that kind of
experience and have figured out that way, but there, somebody is still
communicating thoughts and, and using words in some way to do it. Yeah. So,
yeah. Mm-hmm. ,
if speaking is not an option or talking in
whatever way, whether that's like sign language with hands or whatever mm-hmm.
, then writing it down beyond that, I can't imagine.
I just don't have the experience to imagine anything else. So,
um, yeah.
You know, um, there, there's different things too. You know, you're, if you're,
um, talking about communicating during a scene without being verbal. Yeah.
Um, you know, there, there are a number of things you could do. Um.
Hand signals.
Hand signals know finger one, one finger means you're okay. Two finger. Right.
You know, means no, this needs to stop. Sometimes somebody holds something,
somebody holds something like, like a ball or a piece of paper. If you drop it,
that means, you know, every, that, that's a stop. Everything.
Comes to, I've heard people snapping or stomping their feet. Mm-hmm.
, I've, I've heard of that. Those, you know,
when I think of the question communicating boundaries in a judgmental,
a non-judgmental way,
I'm thinking about negotiating the play and then non-verbal ways to
communicate, I'm stop, or this needs to end or whatever.
That I think of those two things as two separate things.
But maybe this person was thinking of all of that kind of together.
I don't know. Um, but yeah, if you can't say it, like if we're talking about,
I'm struggling to say what's on my mind mm-hmm.
writing it down is our go-to option. Correct.
And you do not have to be a professional writer.
The spelling doesn't have to be correct. Mm-hmm. The grammar doesn't,
you know what you have to do.
You have to make sure the other person can understand what you've cannot. Right.
What you've tried to communicate. That's all you gotta do. So yeah. That's,
that's how I would say that. Um, I will let her out.
Lola wants to go outside,
so I will kill 30 seconds of time until JB can come back and
I can read this comment slash question,
how slowly can I speak? There she goes.
And how quickly will she want to come back in? Actually,
I think what Lola's doing is doing her daily lay on the back patio and
recharge, uh, with solar power. Yes. Because it's hot as blue blazes out there,
but she is sure shit on concrete. Right in the full sun with no shade.
Happy as a clam. Mm-hmm. , like, just, let's do this. Mm-hmm.
. Okay, next one. Uh,
would y'all do an episode responding to an email from a cricket about
kink and their life?
So you and I talked about mm-hmm. , it's not unheard of.
A couple of times we've gotten emails where the thing that was being asked
was something that I had no doubt in my mind other people go through mm-hmm.
and we turned the core question into whole, into topic,
into episode. Yeah. And yeah. Into an episode. And then you and I had, oh,
a little bit back, maybe a year, maybe less several months ago,
talked about doing shorter episodes where we
solicited questions from people. Like they used a,
a special page on our website or whatever.
And then we recorded episodes just answering that one question. Right. Um,
and I can't remember why we didn't move forward with that, nor do I,
did we just get busy? Did my,
my spicy brain just go squirrel mm-hmm. and forget, I dunno.
. So what I would say is if, uh,
anybody is interested in something like that where we did really short,
it would be probably podcast and video Yeah.
Where we literally just took a question and pulled out any identifying details
and went, here's the question we've been asked. And here,
and it might be like less than 10 minutes,
it might not y'all know us, but it might be. Um,
I will say that from my experience,
we're we've slowed down in getting questions submitted to us in email to us.
I've got one in my inbox now that I just, I gotta have the,
the emotional energy and the brain power to,
to like look at and answer and whatever. So if you know that's you, I see you.
I'm not ignoring you. I'm just trying to get to the right moment to answer.
That has slowed down over time, which is fine. Mm-hmm. . Um,
but I remember when we were getting lots and lots of questions in our
via email.
Reality is as much like the joke that is is said about, you know,
Reddit questions on Reddit.
The answer like 85% of the time is communicate. Yeah.
And so I would be hesitant to try to do that,
where if all we're saying every week is, well you need to talk to your partner,
you need to talk to your partner. So that might've been why I didn't like,
'cause you and I had a conversation you went, yeah,
I'd be kind of down for that. 'cause those mm-hmm. , you know,
wouldn't take a lot of time and we could fit that in or whatever. Right.
I don't, I dunno why we didn't move forward. So what I'm saying is,
if it's something you'd be interested in little short episodes answering like a
question, and I don't mean it would, it would not replace our weekly, like,
long conversation. It would be in addition to, uh,
comment in the places where we are connected, social media, email,
show notes, page, YouTube comments, whatever. And let us know what you think.
Mm-hmm. . Okay. Here's, uh, an,
I think this might be our last question. Okay. Okay. As a dom,
how do I properly ask for a spicy pick from my submissive?
I usually never ask for one. Love the podcast.
Thank you for listening to the podcast.
So how would you properly ask for a spicy pick from your sub? Mm-hmm.
Hmm, hmm, hmm. Hmm.
I would love to see a sexy picture of you. Yeah.
I think that that's kind of sexy. Thank you. . Um,
when we were long distance,
we actually negotiated that there were certain pictures I would send daily or
near daily. Right. That were definitely spicy. Mm-hmm. ,
I think it's in the app, the respectful,
a approach you would take for asking for a kink thing or negotiating a k,
I think kink thing. Mm-hmm.
let them know this is something you would like to see for them.
Give them the opportunity to like go, no, no, thank you.
I'm not down for that. Mm-hmm. .
But I think that if you just approach them with just the mutual respect for
them that you have as a partner mm-hmm. ,
and you've already got something negotiated in place.
And remember that you can bring both partners,
both sides of a slash can bring up a renegotiation at any point. Like, Hey,
I've been, I would love to get these pictures of you.
Is that something we can discuss? Right. Would you be comfortable with it?
Mm-hmm. , can you know, if so, can we, I don't know.
Do you want them daily? Do you want them weekly?
Do you want them when you ask and they can comply mm-hmm. ,
however that would work for both.
Partners. But, you know, be, be wary. The people say, oh, 10 nudes.
Right.
God, .
Or, or the one that I've most recently experienced,
somebody sends a dick pic and they're like, oh,
so you're gonna return the favor now. Right. This was not a favor, this.
Was Right. Right, right. This was an.
Assault on my eyeballs.
This, this was not negotiated here. Uh, did not ask to see this. I'm a fan.
Of penises, but I'm only a fan of the penises of people that who are connected.
The penis is connected to that I like and have some kind of like,
established rapport with mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. ,
I am will never be,
I'm not that person who's gonna be real excited about random penises,
like jumping outta the bushes at me. Like that's not, that's No, no,
no.
Instead of a jack in the box, you get a penis in the box.
Pops up like unfurls or hey, are they a grower? They just kind of,
they just kind of, Hmm. Yep. Yeah. They inflate slowly. Like the the.
Little wavy. Yeah. The little wavy.
Man. But he start,
they always start out like collapse and they slowly go up and then they just
wave back and forth. Yeah. uh, yeah. No.
So now for many people,
especially because of the connotation with how dick pics are sent, just mm-hmm.
willy-nilly, pun intended. Uh, nope. It is, it is,
it can be different. But when you're in an A,
you're already in a power exchange.
This person has some level of connection and partnership with you. You know,
if you want a one-off, you just would really like to see them.
Then you just ask. You just ask. And maybe you make it sexy and maybe you just,
you know, plainly ask. Um,
but they have to know and they have to feel like they have the ability to say no
safely. Right. But if it's something you like,
would like it to be a little bit more regular or part of your power exchange in
some way, then you bring it up as a, you would negotiate anything. Um,
I don't think the automatic asking of a partner for a nude or a spicy
pick is disrespectful. It's, it's in the, how you ask it's right.
Is it a demand when you've never negotiated,
like you and I negotiated that and so then because you negotiated that mm-hmm.
, you could demand it 'cause it was part of the power exchange.
Yeah. But the first time was not a demand, it was a request. Mm-hmm.
. And even when it was the sexy dom like demand thing,
if something was going on and I could not comply,
I always had the freedom to go, oh, nice. Uh, however, here's what's going on.
Can we defer this? Right. Uh, can I do this later? Yeah. So as long. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. I think it's, um,
I think it's like anything, uh,
like anything else you want to do in your power exchange mm-hmm. ,
just bring it up, talk to your partner, make sure they know they can,
you know, not give consent to it safely, like mm-hmm. , you know,
respect.
Their boundaries. Right.
But there's, yeah.
And don't demand until you have their consent to demand. It can be sexy to have,
like, you know, a pic demanded, right?
When I know that that is a possibility, I've already had the opportunity to,
you know, say Yeah, sure. Ask for those. That's great. Mm-hmm. .
So, yeah. Okay. So those let double check. I wanna,
I wanna make sure I'm double check. I'm right, but I think, ah,
I don't know what I did. Okay. That was the last question. Yay for that.
Um, thanks to everybody who submitted questions. Um, that's some good questions.
There were some good questions. Yeah. I like doing q and a, um,
episodes because y'all experience things that it's,
we're not always thinking about or y'all are experiencing things that we talked
about. I mean, we've been going in this, uh, podcast since 2015,
like a long time. There's some old ass episodes.
So it's nice to kinda have that brought up and out and we try to create lots of
opportunities to ask questions. Um,
the monthly Friday night live stream, that's a q and a. We did, yeah.
I was getting my ass beat for money at last month's q and a and we were still
trying to answer questions. Uh,
I did notice that people were more interested in, uh,
how hard can Kayla get hit with that thing than they were asking questions.
But we did do both this month. There will be none of that, but we,
we like to do that. And then we offer that as a perk of our Patreon membership.
Not to plug that again, patreon.com/go the Lords. Um,
because we wanna answer questions.
'cause we can come up with topics and things that are of interest to ourselves
all day. Well, not all day long, but, you know. Yeah.
And miss the mark on what people need to know. Wanna know. Um,
yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
This, um,
I had a thought, I was like, I'm going to say that thought.
And then it just went, gone. Just dribbled out, down, out my brain, down my ear.
There was a thing I was gonna say that was related to q and a. It's gone.
Oh, I remember it now. I've even wanted to be one of those people to like,
use reel. Like,
'cause I like Instagram and I'm on reels and I don't do T TikTok because I don't
wanna get kicked off. 'cause I said the wrong word once. Fuck that. Anyway,
I've even thought of, oh, if people ask questions,
I could answer them through an Instagram reel. But then I remember to,
I'm not concise at all. Not at all.
It would be a 10 or 15 minute.
Let me tell you all the thoughts that come to mind with this question.
All the caveats, all the nuances I personally can think of,
which is never all of the nuance that there is. Uh, yeah.
Yeah. So, just to, uh,
just to reiterate one,
if you are interested in that idea of us doing like little shorter podcast
episodes or videos mm-hmm. , where we just answer a question,
comment in the places where we're connected, let us know. Um,
if you have other questions or as questions come up,
just remember there are ways to ask those questions. Um,
and that is all I can think of that's related to the q and a.
Okay. And, uh.
You're too fuzzy to think of other things, aren't you? You're right.
I know you, I'm not even gonna try.
The, uh, the camera's too far away and, and you're just closer.
If y'all could just, and podcast listeners, you can't,
you could just see his poor eyes .
They're probably like slits, aren't.
They? They, they're slits.
And normally your eyes are like bright and shiny and like alive and awake and
. No.
No, no.
Not you. Poor thing. You poor.
Thing.
So.
So are we good?
Well, I can never answer that. Okay. But we're,
we're good to go on a bonus section. There.
You go. Okay. Okay. Keep it ky y'all keep.
It. We, in a way. We'll see you next week. It'll be weird. I dunno.
Daddy.
Yes, baby girl.
Can we talk to the crickets, please?
Sure.
Yay. . What would you like to say?
Well, I, you know, my, my fuzziness .
You were so fuzzy.
Um, poor thing. Trip to New York was, um,
emotionally exhausting. Mm-hmm. , it was, uh,
physically exhausting. Mm-hmm. , uh, Monday,
uh, morning I was awake something like six 30 in the morning
and, uh,
did not get to sleep at all that night. Uh,
left for the airport at midnight for a 6:00 AM flight because.
Of the bad weather going.
Through New York because of bad, bad weather and, and, um, you know,
amount of time to, uh, uh,
amount of time to get through, you know, security and all that. Mm-hmm.
, uh, then the flight to, from New York back to Florida,
which, you know, flew into the Tampa Bay area,
then a two and a half hour drive home.
I know. It was so funny. I knew what the answer was, but I had to ask.
I was like, okay,
there's a lot going on on this Tuesday that you're coming home. Um,
one of those things being middle school orientation for the 13 year old.
I was like, and JB is usually very involved with that stuff. Mm-hmm.
, he goes to all of it. And I was like, I think I know the answer,
but do you wanna try and go to this ? I was like.
No, I going to that not this time. Sorry. And.
He was, I don't know when you fell asleep,
but when we got home and we had to run errands after it, so it was a while.
Mm-hmm. , we got home, he was out like a light,
snoring hard and then stayed that way. We got home at a little after four.
And you stayed that way till after five?
Pretty much till, yeah. A almost dinner time. And I.
Needed you to wake up because it was like,
I'm making an executive decision about dinner, but we ordered pizza,
but usually when we order pizza, we'll go pick it up to save the delivery fee.
And I was like, I don't,
I don't want to go pick it up and I don't think he wants to go pick it up,
but I do have to ask .
Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. , uh,
bad Cat. I did get New York style pizza. Um,
the only way I got it was I went and, you know, found, ordered by yourself.
Ordered it myself. But I did get it and I loved every bite of it.
I know it looked good. The pic, the picture you sent me, it looked great.
. Oh yeah. It was the big, the big huge slices. And you know,
you fold it up and pick it up and they're, you know, the cheese just breaks off.
Did it have a cheese pull? Like, was that mozzarella? Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. We don't get that with Dominoes.
. No.
No, no, no.
No. No Dominoes. No, no, no, no, no. Nope, nope, nope.
I will answer X's question in the live chat.
Has nothing to do with what we're talking about. I know.
But it's about our previous livestream where, uh, was, uh, impact play,
uh, demo demos for dollars excess.
How successful do we consider that last Friday night Hangout? Um, financially,
I mean, not bad. Mm-hmm. not bad. Uh uh,
mentally and emotionally pretty good. Um, yeah. We were,
I would not call it Subspace. Like I did not go into Subspace,
but I I was altered . Yeah.
You were, you were in an altered state. Yeah, I was in an altered state. Yep.
Yep. Yep, yep.
Um, and, and also, uh,
the end was the hardest. I've laughed in.
I mean, I can't even remember the last time I laughed that hard. Mm-hmm.
the end for anybody who is,
I highly encourage you could fast forward through stuff. Just if you go,
if you're not usually a YouTube person, or if you're like, okay,
two and a half hours or whatever it was for the stream, that's a long time.
Yeah.
Just use a little slider thing and just fast forward through shit towards the
end when I'm like, okay, we're done, or we're about to be done.
And I have been hit with all manners of paddles and mm-hmm.
canes and like painful things.
Oh, my .
Taste you donates and says, okay, I think a pillow, right.
Because I got hit with a pillow. But I think taste,
you correct me in the left chat, you basically were like, okay,
this use a pillow. And it was the most absurd thing,
that I'd ever experienced that.
But it was fun.
I almost peed myself. .
Laughing so hard. .
I was crying from laughing so hard. Yeah. Um, yeah.
Mm-hmm. . Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So yes, that was, um.
Um, marina, I was not in New York City. Um,
the best and closest place to describe where I am, and even that,
uh, was a bit of a drive from where I was, uh,
would be to say I was near Poughkeepsie.
You were basically upstate New York? Yeah.
Yeah. Upstate New York about halfway between New York City and Albany. Okay.
Pretty much, pretty much half, pretty much Right at the midpoint. Like you're.
A little.in between those two.
Big dots between those two big dots. Yeah.
Gotcha. I'd have to look at a map that doesn't mean anything to me, but, okay.
Yeah, I mean, I saw some of the pictures you sent,
like there's where your family lives and like your cousin
who you stayed with and like mm-hmm. , your dad,
who you went to like, help out with stuff. Like,
we're talking acres of land. Yeah.
Like fields of land.
I like rural, y'all. I barely had any cell service up there. I know.
God.
Barely had any self service.
Oh my Lord. So, yeah. I'm glad you're back.
Mm-hmm. , I'm glad to be back.
Um.
Um, yeah, I went, I went up there to um,
kind of observe for myself some concerns that were going on with family up
there. Um, my concerns were
realized you were justified. You were justified, you were being.
Told accurate things.
I I, I was given accurate information. Um,
but all parties involved don't want to.
Nobody wants to take responsibility. No. Nobody wants to do the hard shit. Um,
nobody wants to admit they might be wrong about anything. Correct. Uh,
and you got the best and worst reminder of why you keep your
distance. Yeah. And so we will go back to distancing.
I'm, yeah. Yep.
And you came, you, I mean,
we were trying to help the kids understand without being
like, you know,
too invasive with other people's private details or whatever mm-hmm.
without like, not trying to traumatize them. Um,
but to try and like give them an idea of like,
why this was so stressful for JB and like, why this was just a hot ass mess.
And I, I might've thrown in. You think that we're crazy around here, but Yeah.
Let me tell you how good you got it. Mm-hmm. ,
sometimes they need that kind of perspective. Okay. Um, and, uh,
it's, it, we it's a privilege to not be traumatized by your own family.
. Yeah. And.
Uh.
Yeah. And, um, we were talking about some of the things, and I,
and it was so funny, they picked up on some of the same details I did.
And without going into details that are not mine to share mm-hmm. ,
just to, JB is the black sheep of the family. Rightly so.
And I'm so grateful for it because the rest of that flock can go flock
themselves. Right. Um,
but they treat him with such disregard that at meal times,
he would one, not be consulted with, Hey, do you eat this? Would you eat this?
And two, you know, while they would have enough food for everybody,
they would not tell him that food had even arrived. Hey,
come on in and eat.
Right. I, I was, and I'm.
Like.
Yeah, I, I was good enough to provide a, a full day's labor.
And all of the fucking emotional support and labor
that you do to like go No, no, no. You're right to be angry. No, no. You're,
you're right. That's, that's, that's incorrect. Mm-hmm. No, you're right.
That's toxic. Like, you're,
you're good to be the shoulder for fuckers to lean on. Right. But,
and I know it is, it's so, it's so weird. 'cause it feels like in, in
all, all of what was what goes on and that the dysfunction and the toxicity,
like not being thought about or remembered at mealtime seems like
such a small thing. And I don't know. I think part of it, obviously I love you,
I care for you. Mm-hmm. ,
I'm also your service submissive who fucking makes sure you eat Also to add a
layer. I'm Southern. And the way we show politeness and our manners is,
and our care for other human beings is often through food. Like,
if you walk into some Southerners houses, you don't have to eat shit.
But we don't offer it to you. 'cause that's what we do. Mm-hmm. Um, yeah.
But it was just, it was this teeny tiny little,
not even the most important example, but it, like, su excuse me, oh my God,
I'm hiccupy today. It summed it all up and I was like,
you're never going to deal with any of that without me again,
because one, I'll make sure your ass is fed . And two,
I'll tell a bitch what I really think and mm-hmm.
how and where and when and with what speed they can go fuck
themselves. So.
So on, on the upside of, of the trip, um,
I did get to reconnect with a cousin Yes. That I hadn't seen in, in many,
many years.
What, since you went to your grandmother's funeral, I.
Think. Yeah.
Yeah. And that was.
2010.
Yeah. So 13 years ago mm-hmm. Sure.
Mm-hmm. . So it, it was very nice to, uh, to reconnect with her.
Um, got to go to a,
a car show with her and her boyfriend. Mm-hmm. , uh,
which was a lot, a lot of fun. Mm-hmm. . Um,
what I didn't realize though is that, uh,
it was the one sunny day we had up there, full,
full on sun with no clouds, just total blue sky. Mm-hmm. .
And before I left, I, I cut my hair, shaved my head, uh, did not pack,
um, any of my skull caps or even a hat. Uh,
so I'm a little sunburned on the top of my head and, and crossed my forehead.
. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. .
Yes you are. Yes you are.
Yeah. Yeah. So that, that was interesting. Um, the, the weather,
the temperatures up there while I was there was absolutely beautiful.
Yeah. I'm jealous of that part. , um.
Mid, mid sixties, you know, Fahrenheit during, during the night,
uh, low eighties during the day, how.
Was the humidity? 'cause that's usually what's.
So what? Humidity. Wow.
Mean, I can't even.
Imagine. I mean, compared people were complaining Oh, sure. That it was,
for them. It was probably a lot. For, for them it was a lot. Um,
it was nowhere near the a hundred percent that we have, you know,
this time of the year. So, so to me, it, it was very nice. Um,
my cousin kind of looked at me a little weird because every night I would go sit
out on, on, on her deck mm-hmm. and, and you know,
they have a fairly decent sized piece of property,
almost two acres and, and it, uh, faces a protected wetland. Mm.
Okay. I didn't know that's what, what you were looking out on.
Um, you know, and, and I would sit out side on,
on the deck at night as the, as the sun was setting,
and I would just watch the fireflies and, and it was, it was wonderful. I.
Haven't seen fireflies in 20 years maybe. Mm-hmm.
.
Fascinating. Yeah.
. So I mean, that, that was nice and,
and made up for all, all the bullshit. Mm-hmm. I put up with.
Yeah. I don't, I mean, I know that it was a, a relaxing,
calm moment in a week of utter madness and chaos, but mm-hmm. ,
I don't know that it makes up for some of that, but it was a,
it was a balm to your soul, is that what you're saying? Yeah. Yes.
So I'm glad you had that. So that when asked in live chat,
is Kayla warming up to the idea of moving north? No. Summering in the north.
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
But moving, no. 'cause once the snow arrives, I want to be gone.
I want to be so long gone. I want No, no, no. But yeah,
the, uh,
the whole going to where it is not like being on the
surface of the sun. Yeah. For a couple of months. I might be down for that.
I so poor J b's like, I'm never coming back up here for this family.
This is done. I'm done with this. I'm like, I was like, no, no, no,
I respect that. I'm with you. I got your back. Whatever you decide. That's fine.
However,
what you're describing of weather-wise and view wise sounds
delightful.
Are there redeeming qualities of the geographical location that one day
we might, we might go visit up there mm-hmm. mm-hmm. Like mm-hmm.
, I don't wanna go see those people either. However,
could we go to that part of New York and just pretend they don't exist and
still enjoy it? Is that an option? Because.
Yeah. Yeah. I.
Can't imagine it being August and not melting. I just,
my brain goes Right. I don't think that's.
Real. There, there, there are some, um, amazing wineries.
I don't drink the wine that are up there.
I mean, are they gonna serve me alcoholic sugar water?
'cause that's what I need them. So me ,
can I just eat the grapes? Not the, I don't think, I don't know.
Do are grapes that you use for wine, like good for eating? Maybe not.
I don't know. Um, cheese and crackers, that's a thing that people do with wine.
Right. I could just eat the cheese and crackers. Right. Yeah.
And drink a diet coke. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Actually,
I'd like to vacation at your aunt's house. I near, I'm sorry,
your cousin's house and just sit on her back deck.
That sounds delight Bulb . Right. That sounds wonderful.
That's all I need.
Um, you know, and, and there and there are a lot of things, uh,
up there of historical significance, you.
Know? Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah. That whole, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, no,
that makes sense. Mm-hmm. So, yeah. I dunno. Um.
So, you know, yeah. That's,
that's something that's not out of the question to go,
to go back up there for the, for the family. No, we're.
Not doing that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're.
Not doing that. Nope. I'm done. My, my hands are washed of that whole situation.
Yeah.
Can't help somebody who don't want to help themselves. Correct. Um,
so yeah. So while you've been dealing with that and you've been,
you were missed mm-hmm. , we, we helped down the fort pretty well.
Yeah. But it, we're in back to school prep,
fast and furious day of recording slash streaming is Wednesday, August 9th.
Tomorrow is the 13 year old's first day of school.
Eighth grade last year. Middle school. Mm-hmm. .
I do not know what that equivalent is for non, uh, Americans. I have no idea.
Um,
but it is the last year of what universally tends to be considered the most
hellish part of of growing up. Um,
and he's, we, we,
he's been making progress this summer.
He's gotten to decompress from the stress and anxiety and all the stuff he goes
through with just like trying to survive, you know? Mm-hmm.
middle school life. Um, and he is sort of blossomed a bit.
And like his,
the snarky teenage part of him is definitely out in full force ,
which is kind of delightful. Um, and he's a little bit more relaxed.
And now we're prepping to go back to school. And like,
you just see him like tighten up. Um, and he is on a five,
he is got a 5 0 4 plan diagnosed. He's on the, the spectrum.
He is got a D H D, he does need help,
but not as much as maybe some other students do.
And I did not realize that it would be the guidance counselor who
wanted to like cock block me in terms of utilizing his
accommodations. I was like, look, uh,
one of his accommodations is he needs when possible,
prior notification to change, to,
to opportunity to transition from a thing to a thing. And well, look,
we live in the real world. We know that's not always possible,
but when it's possible, let's take advantage of it. And I was like, and I,
the final email was like,
I can think of no greater transition and change then the start of the fucking
school year. Can he ple? I didn't say fucking, I was polite. , I,
I want him to go to this orientation.
They were doing orientation for only new students.
No returning students were supposed to go. I was like, but I want my kid to go.
I would like my kid to go, I think this will help my kid. Can we do this?
Mm-hmm. . And then come to find out,
because some returning students had like a sixth grade
sibling coming in there were returning students there.
They weren't out in force. You know,
parents who like saw that it was just for new students. Right. Went okay.
I was like, why, why are you, why are you stonewell me here? Just let,
let's say yes. And then we get there and his teachers, the ones we met,
are delightful. Delightful. Talking to two of them. I,
I'm now at that age where everybody younger than me looks like,
like looks young. You just do, I'm sorry. Um,
he's got a couple of Gen Z young teachers who are like, one teacher went, yeah.
I had an I E P when I was in school. And so I, I un I get it. I understand.
And I'm, I'm here to help. And I just went, I, we had walked on campus,
I'd been like, oh my God, your heart grew three sizes. Didn't kind of,
'cause once I got like the weird, uh, from the guidance counselor,
and the only reason I got my way is, well, a couple things I did,
but one was I CC'd the person who's in charge of 5 0 4, 5 oh fours and IEPs,
and then quoted the 5 0 4. Like, it was very frustrating, but I was like,
like the moment we got on campus, I went, oh my God,
what if these teachers are like dismissive of that? Mm-hmm. ,
I know what their legal obligation is, but we also know how people can be. No.
Every one of them that we talked about talked to and about,
like some of the kids' needs and like how I try to support without being,
you know, like too, like mm-hmm. in the way and whatever.
Like they were just, it was, it was delightful.
Now we'll see how that goes in practice once they're dealing with a hundred plus
students. I can only fucking imagine. I try to be really mindful of that,
but Yeah. Yeah. Um, and then we,
I accidentally caused him to have an existential crisis last night.
So we were talking about eighth grade, you know, how you do in eighth grade.
And we were,
what we were talking about was trying to find the methods and the tools for him
that would help him maybe have a better experience and keep up with things
better and blah, blah, blah.
And then we'd work on it together and all that good stuff. I said, you know,
unfortunately the way things work is how what happens in eighth grade tends to
dictate how you start high school and then how those first couple years of high
school go dictates what you're able to do and whatever. Later in high school,
I said, and, and sadly,
some of that will dictate some of your college experience.
And I was trying to do the, however,
there are many paths you can take and there's no right way. And you know,
whatever, whatever, whatever. last night at bed,
he was, I felt so bad for him. He was just so stressed out. 'cause he was like,
I don't wanna move into an apartment when I'm 18 and go to
college that way. I, I don't think I could handle that. And I kept going, well,
maybe you don't, you don't have to.
You don't have to.
Yeah. That's the path your brother took and that that's mm-hmm. ,
we think that's gonna work really well for him. But you don't have to do that.
He goes, we.
We, we were talking to him trying, you know,
it's perfectly fine if you want to go to the community college here and stay
home, stay here. Right. You know,
you don't have to do what your brother's doing. I was like.
It's, you know, I said, and if you don't go to college, that's fine,
but it's best to have an idea of what you wanna do that doesn't require a
college degree. You know, blah, blah, blah. I said, but you got time. He's like,
I don't know what I wanna be when I grow up. I'm a baby.
I don't care what society tries to tell you. You don't have to know.
And it was just,
it was adorable and sweet and also like a little heartbreaking. And also like,
I think, I think I contributed to this, and I'm so sorry. 'cause it's the,
the push and pull of,
he needs enough time with information to make the transition
and it be, at least the stress of it be manageable. Yeah.
Versus too much information has him worrying about a future that has not
occurred yet. And I was like, oops. Oh my bad.
I'm sorry. Um, so yeah,
this week it's all about getting him started with eighth grade, I think.
I'm hoping it's a better year than previous years.
I think he is more confident this year going into this year than he has
been. Um,
and will take all that confidence he builds up in eighth grade and then throw
him into high school at ninth grade and it'll be delightful. Um, but yeah.
So, and then I was telling the 18 year old, he was like, I said,
there's stuff I know we still need to get for the apartment to get you settled,
blah, blah, blah, blah. I was like,
but let me get your brother started in school and then I will turn all of my
focus to you. And he goes, Hey,
I can't wait to have all of your focus and attention. I'm like, look,
it's a little intense, but I get shit done. So just accept it. Right.
So yeah. It's, uh,
it's just things are finally like culminating mm-hmm. mm-hmm.
, which is what we've been waiting for all fucking summer. Yeah.
Uh, will I be a wreck when we abandon? I mean,
leave the 18 year old in his apartment. Yes. I will be. I know I will be.
I, I try,
I am absolutely trying not to spend too much time thinking about it now,
because every time I start thinking about what that day will be like, I start,
I cry. I just cry. I'm like, God damnit. But then I think, well,
maybe if I preemptively cry, , I'll hold it together.
. I don't think that's true.
That's never been true for me yet. But maybe,
maybe. Um, so yeah, I, uh,
yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
. Yeah. I mean we're, you know, there,
there's some things we're looking forward to mm-hmm. , um,
you know, with him being, being up there, um,
apparently in September they do a, a family. Yeah. You and.
I have to talk about that.
Oh.
It's very expensive.
Oh, is it really? Yeah.
It's very, they do a, for the marching band,
because he's gonna do the marching band.
They do a family night and they do actually a family weekend. So like mm-hmm.
the Friday night before a game,
you get to go see them rehearse the Saturday morning before the game.
You get to see them rehearse. Then they do a tailgate thing,
which sounds like a ring of hell to me. . And then you can,
they have special seating for band parents, um, in a specific section.
When you go to,
you can go to the football game and get a specific seating and be near the band
and whatever. And we were like, yes, we're on it.
And then I finally got the kid to send me the link for the information,
and then I priced the tickets per person to do the
whole extravaganza.
And it's like a hundred dollars per person. Oh. For the weekend.
Now there are things you can do that don't cost money. Yeah. Um, but yeah,
I was like, oh, okay. Oh, this event is only for parents who have actual money.
Okay. Okay. This, this might not be for us, so we're gonna figure it out. We.
We, we have other things to talk about.
And I was gonna say after dinner tonight, you know.
That's, we, we need to have like a, like a, the,
it's so funny because not you didn't have service. Right.
And you needed to focus on what was going on in front of you. Right. And also,
I don't like to talk about some of the nitty gritty things of like business and
finances or whatever, when like, from that kind of distance. Yeah. So like,
I've been storing up all these things .
Yeah. And then I was trying to wait for him to be arrested. The funny,
the funny thing about it is, is you know, all of the times, you know,
either she's gone away or, or I've gone away on a thing. Um, you know,
we never thought about FaceTiming. And this time when I left I was like,
you know, we're, we're gonna FaceTime. Okay. And, uh, you know, it was like,
okay. And you know, no fucking service.
You did FaceTime me one night, one night.
And.
Then, so it started out, I was in the living room, the lights are on,
life is good. Mm-hmm. . And then we kept FaceTiming.
Once I figured out what that sound was coming from my phone after he called me,
y'all can't take me anywhere, . Um,
and so we did talk and I was in the living room, and then I was mm-hmm.
. Mm-hmm. Putting, like, shutting down for the night,
take care of the cats, take care of the dog, take a night. And then we get in,
go, I go into the bedroom and I'm like, I'm ready to lay down and go to bed.
It's that time of night. ,
we're on FaceTime and I lay down in the bed to,
because I know when we get off the phone,
I'm gonna go to sleep and turn the light on, and I turn the light off.
And then it was just.
I'm looking at a black screen, .
The disembodied voice coming out . I was like, oh,
I guess I didn't think that right. But.
I'm tired. You don't do this very well, don't do this. Right.
It's, uh,
we knew it was gonna go off the rails when you called me like a regular phone
call mm-hmm. , you're like, hello? Like, hello, I'm ready to talk.
And then I hear.
Hang on, I'm gonna try something. I didn't.
Hear that. Oh, okay. I did not hear that. What I heard was the,
the ring sound of a FaceTime call.
Okay. And I was.
Like, it rang like two or three times. I'm like, what is that noise?
What is that? I finally pull my phone away and I look and I go,
I dunno what's happening, but I think I know what's happening,
but lemme just hit this button. Then I went,
and then I was just looking up your nose and you were looking at my nose.
, we are those people. And I'm went, oh.
Yeah. Yeah. That's.
That's the FaceTime ringtone. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm.
didn't know. Didn't know. Um,
so yeah, it was.
Yeah.
It was comical because mm-hmm. , we mm-hmm. ,
you can't take us anywhere.
Right. I know. I know.
So.
Yeah. But anywho.
That's us. Yeah. That's, who knows what, what other, uh,
things will have happened by the time we do the live stream, uh, on August 18th.
Uh, I just keep saying that and saying that.
'cause we got some things coming up. Mm-hmm. . Oh,
I think I meant to put that in the top with the announcements and I forgot.
We are gonna celebrate our podcast anniversary this year. That's right. Uh,
I've got to get it organized. We have so many things we're gonna give away.
We're gonna do a giveaway, by the way. Mm-hmm. , uh,
so many things, . Um, and I, of course,
I like got wild with it. And so now it's a,
I've gotta figure out how best to,
to organize the signing up for the giveaway part so that,
because there's so many things, we wanna have lots of winners of prizes. Mm-hmm.
, it's not, we've done in the,
we've done it so many different ways in the past,
we've done big prize packs and then we've done individual products for
individual winners. And I went, Hey, what if we had a,
an item to give away a winner for every year we've had a podcast .
And actually I think we're gonna have more than that. Um, but then I was like,
oh, shit, I gotta organize this.
And I was supposed to do that while JB was gone. Uh, spoiler. I did not, uh,
. So I gotta do it technically on the week we're on break,
so it's ready to go, but, and I'm like,
now I'm waffling on what day I want it to start. Mm-hmm. . Uh,
'cause our actual, uh, anniversary is I think the 19th of August.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sounds about right. So, I.
Don't know. We'll figure it out. . Yeah. Um, but it's always,
we're chaotic as fuck mm-hmm. because that's who we are.
Right.
And yes, I could keep talking and, you know, are clearly ready for me to be.
Done talking. I'm, I'm, I'm fading. Yep.
Yeah. Were you ever fully non faded? Un faded? No.
Fully in focus. I've.
I've got a lot of sleep to catch up on.
Yes. you.you asked how many years of the podcast?
Uh, from 2015 to now eight. Does it count as eight years? Nine years? Yeah.
The math would say eight years,
but I think if you count it on your finger it's nine years. I don't,
somebody please do the math for me then. Tell me , please tell me.
Okay. We're gonna go 'cause you have clocked out. Yep. And I don't blame you.
Okay. Okay. Thanks y'all for staying.
To the Yeah, thanks for joining us and, uh.
Very end.
Yeah. Yep. Hanging with us. Yep.
And letting us be our chaotic selves. Mm-hmm. , uh,
no episode next week, but we'll have a stream on, lemme say it again.
August 18th, 9:30 PM Eastern. Um, for podcast listeners,
you might get a little like blurby thing.
We might slip into your feed 'cause we got stuff coming up.
We wanna be able to announce, but we'll see. Okay. Bye.
Bye.