1 00:00:11,020 --> 00:00:14,240 You are listening to the Loving B d Ss M podcast, episode 360 1. 2 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:15,800 Kayla Lord's here with the one, the only, 3 00:00:16,060 --> 00:00:19,320 the guy who is here with me as we're recording, 4 00:00:19,460 --> 00:00:22,640 but who is not here with me as you are listening to this, 5 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:26,120 because time travel apparently exists. John Brownstone, woo. 6 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,320 , . 7 00:00:30,890 --> 00:00:34,880 We're together in this moment. Yeah. That, 8 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:38,920 that is reality for us. But we are not together in this moment. 9 00:00:38,950 --> 00:00:40,800 That is reality for listeners. 10 00:00:41,310 --> 00:00:43,760 It's a whole timey whining. Yeah. 11 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:49,160 , you're out of town and I miss you. I already know that. Like, , 12 00:00:49,740 --> 00:00:51,800 by the time our voices can be heard, 13 00:00:51,980 --> 00:00:55,160 you're out of town and I miss you and I'm ready for you to come home. That, 14 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,680 that's easy. I don't even have to wonder. I know. Mm, mm-hmm. . 15 00:00:59,230 --> 00:00:59,820 Okay. 16 00:00:59,820 --> 00:01:04,000 So just so you know. Alright. Uh, but I'm glad you're here with me now, so, 17 00:01:04,220 --> 00:01:07,360 you know, but except our now and they're. 18 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:08,520 Now, I mean, I'm glad I'm here now. Other, 19 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:10,560 otherwise it'd be very hard to be doing this. I know. But. 20 00:01:10,580 --> 00:01:12,920 Our now and the listeners now are. 21 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:14,760 Two different things. I know. Yeah. 22 00:01:14,790 --> 00:01:18,480 It's freaking me out. I can't think about it too hard. 23 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:20,320 and my brain will like, leak outta my ear. 24 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,160 . We don't want that. No. 25 00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:26,680 This week, which is also a weird timing. Why me thing. Which week, 26 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:28,720 the week we're recording. The week you're listening. I don't know. 27 00:01:28,860 --> 00:01:33,720 But this week we are doing another A B D S M Reddit response episode. 28 00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:36,840 Um, and, uh, reacting to, 29 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:41,640 responding to giving our take on some B D SS M questions and posts found over on 30 00:01:41,980 --> 00:01:45,840 Reddit. Yay. Okay, now I don't know what that was about. Uh, 31 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,680 welcome to the Loving B D SS M podcast. If this is your first time listening, 32 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:50,800 glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. 33 00:01:51,020 --> 00:01:54,440 Loving B D Ss DSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure in education. 34 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,680 And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net. 35 00:01:56,990 --> 00:02:00,200 Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. 36 00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:04,040 You can also follow the show on Twitter at loving BDSM, on FetLife, 37 00:02:04,060 --> 00:02:08,000 at loving BDSM PC on Instagram at, 38 00:02:08,340 --> 00:02:12,120 and threats at that handle. I fucking hate loving DSS in the number one. 39 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:16,960 So that's at Loving DSS one or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving 40 00:02:17,350 --> 00:02:21,520 BDSM where you can usually, but not this week. Watch us live stream the podcast. 41 00:02:22,070 --> 00:02:25,360 Most, but not all Wednesdays. All link are in the 42 00:02:28,020 --> 00:02:30,600 big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon, 43 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,320 including our newest peeps. Uh, 44 00:02:32,580 --> 00:02:36,240 we can keep doing this weird thing on the internet in large part because of our 45 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,800 kinky community over on Patreon. Mm-hmm. , uh, 46 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,800 and we're fucking grateful for every fucking one of you. Yes. Uh, 47 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:44,560 if you'd like to join our kinky community and get access to extra content, 48 00:02:44,710 --> 00:02:49,600 like a video we just did on the Doctor Who Smash or Pass 49 00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:53,440 edition, um, or our Behind the Scenes podcast, 50 00:02:53,570 --> 00:02:57,320 where we not only talk about what we're doing for the Kry and living B D S M, 51 00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,280 but what's going on in our personal lives, uh, 52 00:02:59,460 --> 00:03:03,760 and access to a Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice kinks, 53 00:03:03,780 --> 00:03:07,480 you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords, 54 00:03:07,500 --> 00:03:11,720 that's patreon.com/kayla lords or use the link in the show notes. 55 00:03:12,270 --> 00:03:13,600 Okay. So you're gonna turn the fan on. 56 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:16,600 That's gonna be the hum and buzz in the background. Uh, 57 00:03:16,770 --> 00:03:21,400 sorry if that like is too much for folks. Do I have any announcements this week? 58 00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:26,680 No. Um, other than the thing we said in the intro for both, both audiences, uh, 59 00:03:26,780 --> 00:03:29,360 please consider joining our Patreon. Mm-hmm. . Um, 60 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:34,360 the fact that we have a kinky community over on Patreon is what allows us to not 61 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:38,160 completely freak out when, you know, JB has to be gone for a solid week, 62 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:42,960 and we have downtime from work and other things and, um, 63 00:03:43,420 --> 00:03:45,120 we do tend to get more personal. 64 00:03:45,730 --> 00:03:48,960 Y'all think you're probably going more personal? Yeah. I mean, 65 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:52,120 as much as we share, we do tend to get more personal over, uh, 66 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:55,760 in our Patreon community. Uh, we try to do a lot of fun stuff over there. 67 00:03:56,260 --> 00:03:57,060 Mm-hmm. , 68 00:03:57,060 --> 00:04:00,960 but the fact that we are able to have the support from that part of the kinky 69 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:04,080 community is what allows us to do all kinds of other things. 70 00:04:04,180 --> 00:04:05,960 And it is always much appreciated. 71 00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:10,240 We hope to give as much as we receive. That is always the goal, 72 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:13,520 if not more than we receive. So, links in the places. Yeah. 73 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:16,000 That's the announcement. So we're gonna get into these. Um, 74 00:04:16,470 --> 00:04:20,920 this was fun because I actually found posts, um, 75 00:04:21,190 --> 00:04:25,960 from more than just the B D S M advice subreddit. Ah. Um, I found, 76 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,200 I didn't even know this one existed, but it's probably been around forever. 77 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:29,800 I just never looked. There was one called, 78 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:33,840 there's a subreddit called B D S M help. Oh, I found one there. And then, 79 00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:38,760 and then the B D S M am I the asshole subreddit created by Princess Rah. Rah. 80 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:40,160 Hi. Love you rah Rah. Uh, 81 00:04:40,260 --> 00:04:43,320 is getting a few more posts and I'm fucking loving it 'cause I pulled some from 82 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:47,560 there too. . So let's get into these. I have seen these. 83 00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:52,920 JB has not as usual. Um, and so yeah, we'll see. 84 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:57,280 I don't think any of them went up. My first reading made me like, 85 00:04:58,030 --> 00:05:00,880 like made, made smoke come outta my ears. But you never know. You never know. 86 00:05:00,980 --> 00:05:05,200 So here we go. Okay. Okay. The first one, um, 87 00:05:05,410 --> 00:05:10,320 title is, have a Harder Time Obeying Him Without Scenes. Mm. Okay, here we go. 88 00:05:10,780 --> 00:05:15,400 Is it bad if I feel less desire to obey my dom when I feel unfulfilled? 89 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:19,240 I really want a scene lately, but he's too busy. I understand that completely, 90 00:05:19,260 --> 00:05:21,720 but it makes me feel kind of sad. The unfulfilled feeling. 91 00:05:21,980 --> 00:05:24,360 It leaves me not really wanting to follow my rules and honestly, 92 00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:28,520 I've kind of been racking up punishments not on purpose that aren't even being 93 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,120 delivered. So maybe that's part of it, 94 00:05:30,140 --> 00:05:33,360 but feeling disobedient has me feeling grumpy and like I'm a jerk. 95 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:36,360 I don't know any advice slash thoughts on how to navigate it. 96 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:39,240 Part of my rules are diet related and I feel lonely at the moment. 97 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,720 I miss them and I kind of just want to eat some cake or stupid high calorie 98 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:46,760 wings is a replacement for subspace without asking permission and then probably 99 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:47,593 being denied. 100 00:05:47,710 --> 00:05:52,320 There's the grumpiness and they said in parentheticals just has me feeling like 101 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,640 a jerk when I know he's truly busy and not willfully ignoring my needs or 102 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:58,680 something. Part of me was thinking about safe wording rules for a day or two, 103 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,920 but I worried that would come off as retaliation for him not playing with me or 104 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,600 selfishness or something. So. 105 00:06:04,940 --> 00:06:07,280 Wow. There's a lot going on there. There. 106 00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:08,680 Is a lot going on there. Yeah. The first thing is, 107 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:12,200 and the most obvious and everybody's like yelling into at their podcast or their 108 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:13,480 YouTube whatever is Yes. They, 109 00:06:13,750 --> 00:06:18,040 this person needs to have a conversation with their dominant Right. To go, Hey, 110 00:06:18,660 --> 00:06:21,680 I'm feeling unfulfilled, I'm not happy. Mm-hmm. , 111 00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:24,920 is there something that can be done? Right. It's an obvious one, 112 00:06:24,980 --> 00:06:25,813 but beyond that. 113 00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:28,800 Beyond that. Right. Right. Um, you know, part of that, 114 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,400 while you were reading it, I was like, Ooh, 115 00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:33,640 we have a little bit of a bratt in there, you know, but. 116 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:34,240 They're not. 117 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:39,160 Enjoying it, but, but they're not enjoying it. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know. 118 00:06:39,310 --> 00:06:42,480 Yeah. Wow. That that, that is tough. Um, 119 00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:49,760 you know, I I think from, from this person's part, you know, 120 00:06:49,980 --> 00:06:53,880 um, I think they kind of need to kind of get into maybe, 121 00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:55,300 and, 122 00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:58,560 and maybe this is part of their problem about thinking about what they're doing 123 00:06:59,270 --> 00:07:00,920 that, you know, 124 00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:06,280 we both know how life can rear its ugly head and throw a monkey 125 00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:10,760 wrench in our mm-hmm. in our dss. It loves doing that. 126 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:12,353 . 127 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:14,360 I think life is sadistic. Yeah. 128 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:18,360 It's to say Li life, life life has its own, uh, little, you know, 129 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:22,520 perverse pleasure, , but, um, you know, 130 00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:27,440 maybe if they thought about, you know, following the rules and, and, 131 00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:30,880 and stuff as part of their service to. 132 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:31,760 Their service. If their service. 133 00:07:32,380 --> 00:07:37,040 If their service, yeah. So, you know, and to, 134 00:07:37,100 --> 00:07:41,680 to kind of take the edge off and maybe change that mindset a little bit. 135 00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:44,800 You know, I mean definitely there, 136 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:49,200 there needs to be some kind of conversation to go on, you know, 137 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:54,520 I, I understand now I, I don't know, don't, didn't really get from this. 138 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:59,200 Whether they're long distance or just, or or they are not living together, 139 00:07:59,460 --> 00:08:04,000 not, you know, not not living together or, you know, they're what whatever the, 140 00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:08,080 the situation is, um, from the gist of it, 141 00:08:08,180 --> 00:08:12,520 I'm kind of gonna go with that they are together but not physically together. 142 00:08:12,650 --> 00:08:13,483 Right. Yeah. 143 00:08:14,180 --> 00:08:16,280 But, you know, there definitely needs to be a, 144 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:21,440 a conversation to see maybe how they can reach some middle ground here. Oh, 145 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:25,280 sure. Um, it, it seems prior to this, they had a fairly. 146 00:08:26,350 --> 00:08:27,240 Must have, you. 147 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:27,760 Know, had. 148 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:30,440 Rules followed them. Right. But something's fallen off somewhere. Yeah. 149 00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:33,160 You know, that that something and, and, you know, 150 00:08:33,950 --> 00:08:38,720 life does throw you off track so, you know, somewhere they need to, um, 151 00:08:39,870 --> 00:08:44,760 kind of find that middle ground, so to speak. You know, I, I know you're busy, 152 00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:48,400 but you know, this is part of who we are and what needs to be Right. Taken. 153 00:08:48,430 --> 00:08:51,520 Care of and here's some of what I need that I'm not getting Right. My thing is, 154 00:08:51,620 --> 00:08:56,600 is this is a very good example of both sides of the slash need to 155 00:08:56,830 --> 00:08:57,120 what, 156 00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:01,480 however they define those have fulfillment feel fulfilled by the power exchange 157 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:03,920 and the relationship. Because when one person or both, 158 00:09:03,940 --> 00:09:05,280 but when one person does not, 159 00:09:05,820 --> 00:09:10,640 it is much harder to keep up with doing the things that you've agreed to do. 160 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:11,640 Like in a perfect world, 161 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:15,040 sure we should do the things we agreed to do because we agreed to do them. 162 00:09:15,580 --> 00:09:18,360 But my experience is that with power exchange, 163 00:09:18,430 --> 00:09:23,080 there's another level to that of I agreed to do this from a 164 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:23,913 submissive perspective. 165 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,800 I agreed to do this because you as my dom are overseeing it. Mm-hmm. 166 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:29,880 , you're involved in it, I'm doing it technically for myself, 167 00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:33,360 but I'm really doing it for you. And if you are not engaged and involved, 168 00:09:33,700 --> 00:09:36,320 who am I actually doing it for? Right. Um, 169 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:41,560 if this is a relatively new relationship or just somebody who's new, 170 00:09:42,060 --> 00:09:43,800 um, to submission, 171 00:09:44,090 --> 00:09:48,680 there can be and probably has been both a level of sub frenzy and probably new 172 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:49,960 relationship energy. Mm. 173 00:09:50,060 --> 00:09:54,000 And when both of those things start to kind of fall away, you know, 174 00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:58,240 now you're left with your own personal motivations and if the changes you've 175 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:01,120 made and the the rules you've made aren't enough, 176 00:10:01,220 --> 00:10:04,480 aren't fueled in part by your own motivation to do them. 177 00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:06,400 And you need that external motivation. 178 00:10:06,980 --> 00:10:08,440 And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 179 00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:13,360 I think there are plenty of people who do better with external motivation. 180 00:10:13,370 --> 00:10:15,160 Right. But if you don't have it, 181 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:18,000 then it is harder to keep up with and it's very easy to go, 182 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,000 well you should just do it 'cause you agreed to do it 'cause you're submissive. 183 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,520 But that's not really how everything works, 184 00:10:23,850 --> 00:10:28,480 especially if you don't feel like your partner is engaged with it as Yeah. 185 00:10:28,580 --> 00:10:32,640 As much as you have to be because this is gonna sound selfish and somebody out 186 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,720 there's gonna disagree with me and that's fine. Not Oh, 187 00:10:35,060 --> 00:10:39,440 but when you are the submissive who is say, who has agreed and wants to mm-hmm. 188 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:42,080 change how you do things, live by a certain set of rules, 189 00:10:42,370 --> 00:10:44,040 completely upend your habits, 190 00:10:44,820 --> 00:10:48,680 do things differently than you might have done them the previous 20 plus years 191 00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:53,520 of your life. That's a lot of work where the dom sometimes, 192 00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:54,220 not always, 193 00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:57,440 but sometimes the only thing the dom has to do in that situation is be aware of 194 00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:01,520 it and keep track of it. Right. It's a different level of effort sometimes. 195 00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:03,720 Not always , not in all situations, 196 00:11:04,180 --> 00:11:08,320 but as a rule abiding submissive partner . Yeah. 197 00:11:08,980 --> 00:11:13,920 I'm doing some in those situations a lot more things than you were doing. 198 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:17,560 Your job is to make sure to see that it got done and what gonna the overseer. 199 00:11:17,650 --> 00:11:18,140 Right. 200 00:11:18,140 --> 00:11:21,360 And that doesn't mean that doesn't have responsibility and that doesn't come 201 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:26,040 with its own set of mental energy and physical energy, but it's different. 202 00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:30,920 So if you go off and get busy and you can't oversee 203 00:11:31,020 --> 00:11:32,560 mm-hmm. and I'm still doing the thing, 204 00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:37,600 I'm still maintaining a lot more effort. Right. And in some cases, 205 00:11:37,750 --> 00:11:42,120 some of the time, if you don't get the feedback you need, if you don't get the, 206 00:11:42,820 --> 00:11:43,653 the, um, 207 00:11:43,910 --> 00:11:47,640 give and take of the power exchange because you know that your dominant is 208 00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:51,400 paying attention and invested Right. Is following whatever, whatever, 209 00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:52,560 whatever the expectations are, 210 00:11:53,140 --> 00:11:57,240 it can be hard to keep that going on its own feedback loop. 211 00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,880 You need that external something. Yeah. 212 00:12:00,140 --> 00:12:02,840 And I think that it's very easy to go, well, 213 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:05,040 I got busy and I just couldn't pay attention. Okay, 214 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:08,120 well you got busy and got to forget mm-hmm. And got to not care And, 215 00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:09,760 and I'm not even attributing like 216 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,960 negative connotations to this person, 217 00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:16,480 but that means that you got the luxury mm-hmm. 218 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:20,280 of not having to worry about it while expecting the remaining 219 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:25,160 partner to keep worrying about it. Yeah. Without any gratification, 220 00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:28,760 any of the power exchange part, even for a limited amount of time. Mm-hmm. 221 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,760 , I think that is, 222 00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:34,920 it is understandable to have those feelings of, 223 00:12:35,870 --> 00:12:39,640 well I don't wanna do this, I want your attention. Yeah. You know, you can, 224 00:12:41,550 --> 00:12:45,920 there's bratty behavior that is consented to and is understood to be like, 225 00:12:45,940 --> 00:12:48,520 I'm doing this and it's supposed, you know, playful and fun mm-hmm. 226 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:51,280 , ideally both partners are having fun and then there is, 227 00:12:51,860 --> 00:12:53,800 I'm resentful and I'm acting out and Sure. 228 00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:58,000 On paper somebody might call that quote variety behavior, but it's not the same. 229 00:12:58,230 --> 00:13:00,240 It's, it's not the Yeah. You're right. Because it, it's. 230 00:13:00,820 --> 00:13:02,080 I'm not paying attention and I'm gonna do what I. 231 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,080 Need to do. It's coming from that, that place of resentment and you know. Right. 232 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:05,920 And I, Hey. 233 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:06,720 Hey, hey. Right. 234 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,600 Do you remember that I still exist mm-hmm. . 235 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,080 And then this person said, okay, I've racked up punishments, 236 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:14,360 but I actually haven't gotten them. So then my next thought is mm-hmm. 237 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:17,600 did this Dom mentally check out of this power exchange Yeah. 238 00:13:17,790 --> 00:13:20,560 Through I'm busy and I just don't have time for it right now. 239 00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:25,360 Or busy is my excuse and I've actually mentally checked out and the submissive 240 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:29,920 in this situation is still trying to be a part of something where they're not 241 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:33,520 getting the part that they need from it. Mm-hmm. . 242 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,760 And so if that's the case, this all makes sense to me. 243 00:13:36,910 --> 00:13:38,720 Yeah. I mean, you know, 244 00:13:39,060 --> 00:13:42,880 you and I both know life loves throwing its monkey wrenches and you know, 245 00:13:43,260 --> 00:13:48,040 we are gonna be heading into the, into one of those phases. Sure. You know, 246 00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:50,480 um, I'm gonna have to travel for a week. Right. 247 00:13:51,420 --> 00:13:55,880 And we have already been talking about, you know, okay, um, 248 00:13:56,970 --> 00:14:00,840 we're gonna FaceTime. Sure. Okay. That that is something, you know, it's like, 249 00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:03,920 duh, why haven't we done that before? We have. That's so weird. 250 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:07,720 We haven't done that before. We have that ability, you know, um, I've, 251 00:14:07,750 --> 00:14:09,640 I've been thinking, oh, you know, um, 252 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:15,560 I have control of the thermostat through my app, so I should be able to, 253 00:14:15,860 --> 00:14:19,720 you know, like I do at night before we go to bed. I bump it for you. Right. 254 00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:22,560 You're perpetually hot. And and I'm like, oh, 255 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:25,520 I could probably do that from anywhere with the app. So. 256 00:14:25,540 --> 00:14:29,440 And you know, we're 10 years in highly committed, married and living together. 257 00:14:29,540 --> 00:14:30,040 Mm-hmm. . 258 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,080 So we've got a lot more ability to talk about these things. 259 00:14:32,170 --> 00:14:35,080 We've got the experience to talk about these things, but even then, 260 00:14:35,860 --> 00:14:39,640 so when we were long distance and we don't know if it's long distance or they 261 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,320 just don't live together. When you got busy, 262 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:47,960 it never was. I can't speak to you at all and I don't have time for you. True. 263 00:14:48,180 --> 00:14:51,360 It just meant, okay, we have to modify a little bit because. 264 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,200 No, this is, this is gonna be happening and, 265 00:14:53,220 --> 00:14:55,000 and we're gonna have to change this a little bit. 266 00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:58,160 And so we would modify and change expectations for both of us. 267 00:14:58,780 --> 00:15:01,280 So I never just didn't get the checkin, 268 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:05,240 I never felt like you weren't my dom and something is happening at this level of 269 00:15:05,340 --> 00:15:09,520 the dom is busy and I'm gonna air quote that because we have seen too many times 270 00:15:09,580 --> 00:15:10,720 that's used as an excuse. 271 00:15:10,860 --> 00:15:13,120 For people start, start posting and you're right. And, and when I saw, 272 00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:16,080 I'm thinking, you know, alright, well it, 273 00:15:16,180 --> 00:15:20,960 it kind of seems they have somewhat of a solid, um, dynamic. Um, 274 00:15:21,060 --> 00:15:23,440 you know, maybe they're a little inexperienced. Right. 275 00:15:23,540 --> 00:15:28,400 And maybe I, I think, I think it's easy to forget. I put a lot of, 276 00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:29,693 um, 277 00:15:30,110 --> 00:15:35,080 thought into and think and feelings into the idea of a dom carries a lot 278 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:36,400 of responsibility when they mm-hmm. 279 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,720 when they understand it and they use their power. 280 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:42,080 Well that's a lot to put on a do's shoulders and I try to be very mindful of 281 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,600 that. Mm-hmm. and I try to, um, excuse. 282 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:46,433 Me. 283 00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:50,160 Keep in mind the mental energy that is required, 284 00:15:50,670 --> 00:15:53,800 like for you to be the decider of this household, right? Mm-hmm. . 285 00:15:54,460 --> 00:15:59,280 But the fact remains that depending on the dynamic in many dynamics, 286 00:15:59,420 --> 00:16:04,400 the sub is physically doing a lot more on a 287 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:05,960 day-to-day basis. Mm-hmm. 288 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:09,400 then a dom might be doing true if a dom is an overseer and the one 289 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:13,040 that's like making sure it got done and checking in and then deciding is 290 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,840 punishment warranted or is what do we need to do? 291 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:17,200 And that's a lot and that's mental energy that it, 292 00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:20,120 and sometimes you just don't have it. Mm-hmm. and that's valid, 293 00:16:20,340 --> 00:16:24,440 but I think mm-hmm. That is very easy for people to forget. Well, 294 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,000 I don't have the mental energy to do this, 295 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,160 but you need to keep doing what you're doing. Well, 296 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:29,760 I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 297 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,800 There have been times when you kind of had to check out, 298 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,600 'cause shit's happening and I'm over here going, 299 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,080 but I'm gonna keep doing my thing because it's important to me. 300 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,360 It has meaning to me, I want to be doing it, blah, blah, blah. 301 00:16:38,980 --> 00:16:43,760 But you and I have had many conversations about how physically exhausted I can 302 00:16:43,780 --> 00:16:46,520 be from trying to do all of the things. 303 00:16:46,620 --> 00:16:50,640 And I think this might be a case where the dom felt like they could check out a 304 00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:52,560 little bit. They're busy, they don't have time mm-hmm. , 305 00:16:52,740 --> 00:16:57,080 but the expectation is that the sub might not need to have their load lightened 306 00:16:57,300 --> 00:16:59,560 or might need to have more high touch, 307 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:03,280 even if it's virtual time with their partner. 308 00:17:03,350 --> 00:17:07,480 Even if they can't have their direct dominance for the things that they're 309 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:12,120 supposed to be. Like, it's sometimes that imbalance is very obvious. You know, 310 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,400 a dom can be like, well, I'm too tired and, and we're just, no, 311 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,160 don't worry about it. I'm not gonna call you today. But, but submissive, 312 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:21,040 I expect you to keep doing the however many things you agreed to do, 313 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,760 but you might not get the feedback from me. 314 00:17:22,940 --> 00:17:24,520 You might not get the validation from me. 315 00:17:24,620 --> 00:17:27,440 You might not get the check in from me. What, like, 316 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:28,920 there's an inherent there can be, 317 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,920 and not always an inherent unfairness and imbalance there. 318 00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:34,160 And I think that's very easily forgotten. It's like, well, 319 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,920 a soap should just do what they said they would do. Well, we're not robots. 320 00:17:37,070 --> 00:17:37,820 Yeah. 321 00:17:37,820 --> 00:17:42,480 We need something from the other partner in order to keep going 322 00:17:42,510 --> 00:17:43,343 sometimes. 323 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:47,080 Absolutely. I, I don't disagree. I mean, I, you know, it, 324 00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:51,880 it's like I said before, it's a matter of refilling the well. Yes. Okay. 325 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,280 Because the sub gives, gives, gives. Mm-hmm. , you know, 326 00:17:54,350 --> 00:17:57,960 something's gotta give, be given in return Right. To, 327 00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:00,160 to keep that well filled so they can keep serving. 328 00:18:00,210 --> 00:18:00,680 Right. 329 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,360 'cause then resentment builds and if you're breaking rules and then not even 330 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:07,560 getting the, the feedback of, oh, you noticed I broke a rule. 331 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:12,200 Here's my punishment. What am I doing here? Right. Yeah. So yeah. I mean, 332 00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:15,280 yes, the obvious is please have a conversation with your partner mm-hmm. 333 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,360 and tell them how you're feeling and just own up to what you have 334 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:21,400 and have not been doing. And their response will tell you everything. 335 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,640 And it could be a, Hey, you're really busy, 336 00:18:24,460 --> 00:18:29,240 so can I get a check-in? Can I get a text, can I get a whatever? Mm-hmm. 337 00:18:29,630 --> 00:18:32,320 Also, some of these things, can we lighten this load for me? 338 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:37,160 Because if I can't get the external, you know, validation and, and, 339 00:18:37,460 --> 00:18:40,600 um, there's a word I can't think of motivation mm-hmm. 340 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:45,360 that I need, you know. Right. What can we do here? Mm-hmm. 341 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:49,480 , but, but also, yeah. Can we, uh, this to me is classic. 342 00:18:50,140 --> 00:18:53,720 I'm feeling resentful and I've been forgotten and I'm not getting what I need 343 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:58,040 out of this, so why do I keep doing what I'm doing? Yeah. Okay. Next one. 344 00:18:58,260 --> 00:19:02,200 All right. Okay. This one, um, was this from, yes. 345 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,480 This one was from the B D SS M help subreddit. 346 00:19:04,830 --> 00:19:08,280 I'll have to check there more often. I did not know it existed. . 347 00:19:08,630 --> 00:19:13,520 Okay. So the title is What are Good Habits and Practices for a DOM to 348 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:17,720 cultivate? I'm involved in a long distance relationship with my sub girlfriend. 349 00:19:17,770 --> 00:19:21,880 We're only seeing each other once a month. If, if that. Uh, 350 00:19:21,940 --> 00:19:24,600 but hopefully that will change in the next few months. When it does, 351 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:28,960 I want to be the best dom for her. I can be, what are some good habits, 352 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:30,273 practices, et cetera. 353 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:34,040 I can start to cultivate now so that I'll be on top of my game when we're 354 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:34,993 together more often. 355 00:19:35,110 --> 00:19:36,080 Okay. Um, 356 00:19:36,490 --> 00:19:41,360 first thing that come that comes to my mind with that long distance consistency. 357 00:19:41,420 --> 00:19:46,120 Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . Okay. Um, you know, set, 358 00:19:46,340 --> 00:19:50,880 set ground groundwork for, for some consistency. Um, 359 00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:54,760 you know, whether it being how you communicate and the times you communicate. 360 00:19:55,180 --> 00:19:56,013 Um, 361 00:19:58,130 --> 00:20:02,000 right behind consistency. I, 362 00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:07,160 I'm going to give you this, say be fluid. Okay. 363 00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:07,960 So like. 364 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:08,793 Flexible, you mean? 365 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:12,800 Flexible. Okay. Alright. Um, because things can change, 366 00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:18,320 you know, things happen. You get like this, you know, you get busy in life, 367 00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:22,120 so you, you kind of have to be willing to be fluid, you know, 368 00:20:22,210 --> 00:20:24,520 don't get so stoic and set in your, 369 00:20:24,860 --> 00:20:29,680 in your habits and rituals and rules, you know, that, that you, 370 00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:34,320 you know, you see them set as stone and you can't move. Um, you, 371 00:20:34,340 --> 00:20:38,640 you have to be flexible. Um, you know, 372 00:20:39,060 --> 00:20:42,720 one of the things that that helped us, um, in, 373 00:20:42,780 --> 00:20:47,280 in our long distance relationship always, always, always keep the, 374 00:20:47,620 --> 00:20:50,360 the, uh, lines of communication open. 375 00:20:51,020 --> 00:20:52,840 Yes. And I would say to that, uh, 376 00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:57,360 you're trying to be the best dom you can be to the best of your ability. 377 00:20:57,860 --> 00:21:01,880 Be very realistic about your submissives communication skills and abilities. 378 00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:04,400 And if they do not, not have great ones, uh, 379 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:06,760 or if you know that's something they struggle with, or if you're, 380 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:11,600 even if you're both still learning, take the lead in a couple of things, 381 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,240 starting conversations. Mm-hmm. 382 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:17,320 encouraging your partner to say what they need to say. Um, 383 00:21:18,020 --> 00:21:22,640 and when you do start a conversation, have it be less about your needs, 384 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:23,473 your wants, 385 00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:28,320 and more about what you want them to get better at as a communicator. Mm-hmm. 386 00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:30,640 like listening to them, asking them questions, 387 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,360 encouraging them to tell you things that you think that or they think you won't 388 00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:36,160 want to hear. You know, whatever, 389 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:39,200 whatever struggles that submissive has as a communicator. 390 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,000 'cause we all have them. Right. Part of that is, 391 00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:45,080 and you can do it now while you're long distance and before you get together. 392 00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:46,720 'cause if you can do it when you're long distance, 393 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:50,440 it is way easier to communicate once you're together and all the emotions are 394 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:51,280 running high. Mm-hmm. 395 00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:56,160 be that person who helps them communicate in ways that are 396 00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:59,520 beneficial for them and give you the information you need to make the best 397 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:00,480 decisions possible. 398 00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:05,400 Right. Um, you know, part of being, part of communicating, 399 00:22:05,980 --> 00:22:09,240 um, is not just being able to communicate your needs, 400 00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:13,600 but being an active listener and hearing what the other person's and. 401 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:15,560 Helping the other person draw the other person out. 402 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:18,480 Give them the space to be awkward or to be scared, 403 00:22:18,700 --> 00:22:22,360 or to be whatever before they get comfortable 404 00:22:23,700 --> 00:22:25,120 saying what they need to say. Mm-hmm. 405 00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:28,160 And if this person is an excellent communicator, that's great. 406 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:30,160 You like half the battle is there. Right. 407 00:22:30,220 --> 00:22:35,200 But then just make sure that you are opening conversations up and 408 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:38,520 giving them this space. Not that they always have to come to you and go, Hey, 409 00:22:38,620 --> 00:22:41,880 hey, I got a thing. I got a thing. Also, while you're communicating, 410 00:22:42,140 --> 00:22:47,000 if you're not already doing it, learn to share your own emotions. Right. Um, 411 00:22:47,030 --> 00:22:50,840 part of that can help prevent the whole pedestal thing that some submissives put 412 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:51,673 their partners on. Yes. 413 00:22:51,780 --> 00:22:55,880 And part of that shows that you can be vulnerable and that creates 414 00:22:56,770 --> 00:23:01,560 connection and intimacy, but also can let your partner know that, um, 415 00:23:02,100 --> 00:23:06,800 you're imperfect and that you're safe to share their vulnerable feelings with as 416 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:07,010 well. 417 00:23:07,010 --> 00:23:12,000 Right. Um, the other thing I would say is manage your expectations, 418 00:23:13,170 --> 00:23:18,040 especially if you are going from long distance to being in person. 419 00:23:18,180 --> 00:23:21,880 Mm-hmm. . Um, we learned this the hard way. , 420 00:23:23,020 --> 00:23:27,440 uh, you know, I had certain expectations, 421 00:23:28,220 --> 00:23:33,120 uh, that were ended up being way off the chart once we moved together, um, 422 00:23:33,190 --> 00:23:38,040 because of things that happened in life, you know, uh, a, 423 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:42,880 a move that while it went well was not as smooth as it could have been. Um, 424 00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:45,480 you know, going into a new apartment and, 425 00:23:45,620 --> 00:23:49,040 and finding out immediately that the air conditioning was broken. 426 00:23:50,950 --> 00:23:53,040 Life is a sadist. Yeah. That's just. 427 00:23:53,860 --> 00:23:58,600 So, you know, um, we had to, had, we had to backpedal, 428 00:23:58,940 --> 00:24:01,880 you know, and, and pretty much wipe the slate clean and, 429 00:24:01,940 --> 00:24:03,320 and start from square one. 430 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:07,200 I think that goes back to your thing about learning to be flexible and fluid. 431 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:07,520 Right. 432 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:11,720 Because if you had been completely set on this is the vision I had mm-hmm. 433 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:12,600 for what this would look like, 434 00:24:13,020 --> 00:24:16,640 you wouldn't have been able to hear me go, I can't, I can't do all of this. 435 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:17,640 Right. It's just too much at one time. 436 00:24:18,340 --> 00:24:22,320 And you wouldn't have been able to go O okay, . 437 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:23,670 . Yeah. 438 00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:26,320 None of this is working. Let's toss out this plan. Mm-hmm. , 439 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:29,760 let's get through the next couple of weeks, then let's start over again. Right. 440 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:30,833 I think, um, 441 00:24:31,940 --> 00:24:36,800 one of the best traits that I love about a good dominant is when 442 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:40,640 they are, they have some level of humbleness to them, like mm-hmm. 443 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:44,600 , we love, we love a confident person. Just in general. It's, 444 00:24:44,910 --> 00:24:46,800 it's nice to see confidence, 445 00:24:47,380 --> 00:24:51,720 but part of that confidence comes from knowing you're 446 00:24:52,130 --> 00:24:53,200 don't have to have all the answers. 447 00:24:53,260 --> 00:24:56,680 You won't have all the answers that you can be wrong. Right. That, you know, 448 00:24:57,060 --> 00:25:00,760 you can go, oh, that thing that's not working. I'm not, 449 00:25:00,860 --> 00:25:03,360 so I don't have my whole, um, 450 00:25:03,690 --> 00:25:07,040 sense of self tied into this thing that I can't let it go. Mm-hmm. 451 00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:08,400 . And for some people that's really hard. Yeah. 452 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:12,520 Especially if you have this vision in your mind of what dominance is supposed to 453 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,360 mean and that vision somehow looks like always being right. 454 00:25:15,380 --> 00:25:19,840 Always knowing what to do. Um, never being wrong, 455 00:25:19,950 --> 00:25:23,040 like all of that. Right. Yeah. And that's what I, 456 00:25:23,580 --> 00:25:25,280 of the many things I appreciate about you, 457 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:28,400 that's one of those things I appreciate about you. You are quick to go, Ooh, 458 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:32,240 I don't know. Ooh, I fucked up. Right. That would be another thing I would say, 459 00:25:32,300 --> 00:25:35,640 if you want to cultivate some good habits, 460 00:25:36,110 --> 00:25:38,720 that is paying attention to 461 00:25:40,510 --> 00:25:45,280 celebrating and when possible leaning into your partner's 462 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:46,800 strengths, okay? Mm-hmm. , 463 00:25:47,020 --> 00:25:51,240 you as a dom do not have to be all knowing all powerful. Right? Sure. 464 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,960 Maybe that's, that's where you want to get. Maybe that's a fantasy in your head, 465 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:55,760 maybe that makes you feel good, great. 466 00:25:55,900 --> 00:25:59,920 But the way you're gonna get there is with help and your submissive is gonna 467 00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:02,440 know shit you don't know. They're gonna have skills you don't have. 468 00:26:02,580 --> 00:26:05,120 And not even just in kink and power exchange. Just in life. 469 00:26:05,580 --> 00:26:07,720 And to the extent that they're willing to, 470 00:26:07,820 --> 00:26:12,040 to use their skills on your behalf or to help you, 471 00:26:12,810 --> 00:26:16,680 don't ever be too proud to go, you know more about that than I do. 472 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:20,240 You're better at that than I am. Yeah. Can you teach me, can you help me? 473 00:26:20,380 --> 00:26:23,000 Can we work this together? And I'm gonna let you take the lead. 474 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,000 Like whatever that is. And that's in life stuff. As an, 475 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:29,920 in an L D R I am pretty good at planning a trip. Yeah. 476 00:26:29,940 --> 00:26:34,720 So who did that? Not just as a service, but because I was good at it, 477 00:26:34,780 --> 00:26:37,920 so it meant that sure JB was in charge, 478 00:26:38,020 --> 00:26:41,760 but I was the one going at this hotel would be better. This place, this timing, 479 00:26:41,910 --> 00:26:43,800 this, this, because that was, was a skill I had. 480 00:26:43,820 --> 00:26:45,200 And from the outside looking in, 481 00:26:46,060 --> 00:26:48,200 it could look like I was dictating the terms of a visit. 482 00:26:48,380 --> 00:26:51,000 That's not at all what I was doing. Yeah. I was, 483 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,040 because ultimately you're still the decider, 484 00:26:53,140 --> 00:26:56,040 but you let me do the things I'm good at Right. 485 00:26:56,070 --> 00:26:58,560 That are benefit to both of us. Mm-hmm. 486 00:26:58,600 --> 00:26:59,840 and a benefit to the relationship. 487 00:27:00,020 --> 00:27:04,720 Yep. And, and that kind of leads into what I was gonna say next, learn, 488 00:27:04,980 --> 00:27:07,800 be open to learning. Um, you know, 489 00:27:07,990 --> 00:27:12,840 none of us know everything there is to know and in, in this lifestyle, 490 00:27:13,020 --> 00:27:17,040 it is always changing. It is always evolving. Be open to learning. 491 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:20,160 Whether it's from reading, uh, lifestyle books, 492 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:24,080 whether it's from attending workshops, whether it's reading blogs, 493 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:29,120 podcasts, YouTube, you know, learn, soak it in. 494 00:27:29,700 --> 00:27:33,640 Not everything is going to apply to you. Then, you know, 495 00:27:34,420 --> 00:27:38,000 put that to the side, but you may always get some little nuggets, 496 00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:41,560 some tidbits that you're like, wow, I I didn't know I could do that. 497 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:45,440 And that adds a little different twist. And, and it gives you, you know, 498 00:27:45,510 --> 00:27:48,720 some more knowledge in, in what you are doing. Mm-hmm. . 499 00:27:49,060 --> 00:27:51,240 Mm-hmm. . The last thing I would say, 500 00:27:51,540 --> 00:27:53,280 and this isn't something I can tell you how to do, 501 00:27:53,540 --> 00:27:56,640 but I think it's something that if you keep this goal in mind, you'll get there. 502 00:27:57,340 --> 00:28:00,920 Um, be a safe person for your partner. 503 00:28:01,660 --> 00:28:03,840 Be a person that they can confide in. Mm-hmm. 504 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:08,360 Be a person that they can admit hard things to. And part of that is, you know, 505 00:28:08,420 --> 00:28:11,440 by being a person who earns their trust and has integrity Yeah. 506 00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:15,000 And is honest and is also vulnerable with them. Right. Like, 507 00:28:15,060 --> 00:28:18,440 if they tell you something you don't want to hear, and your response is, uh, 508 00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:20,640 I don't want to hear that. Or some variation, 509 00:28:21,140 --> 00:28:25,280 you are not a safe person for them. If they tell you, no, I don't wanna do that, 510 00:28:25,460 --> 00:28:29,280 and before you can accept their No, you ask 10 million questions and push back, 511 00:28:29,380 --> 00:28:31,960 you are not a safe person for them. Yeah. So the more, 512 00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,600 and I think that's true of both sides of the slash mm-hmm. , 513 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:38,840 but doms hold a lot of power and many submissives, 514 00:28:38,990 --> 00:28:42,760 most submissives want to please their dominant and so will Yeah. 515 00:28:42,990 --> 00:28:46,800 Will twist themselves inside out to do it, will violate their own boundaries, 516 00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,880 will do things they're not comfortable with in a way that's not a, oh, 517 00:28:49,900 --> 00:28:51,480 I'm uncomfortable and this is a growing moment, 518 00:28:51,500 --> 00:28:54,200 but I'm uncomfortable and I probably should not do this right now, 519 00:28:54,230 --> 00:28:55,063 kind of thing. 520 00:28:55,220 --> 00:29:00,000 And the way to avoid some of that is to become a safe 521 00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:03,920 person for them to say no to, to say the hard things, to, 522 00:29:04,020 --> 00:29:06,160 to trust and believe in, and to really do that. 523 00:29:06,260 --> 00:29:08,760 Not go through the motions so you get what you want, but to like, 524 00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:13,440 to do the hard work on yourself and with them to have these 525 00:29:13,610 --> 00:29:16,400 vulnerable moments together, this true intimacy. 526 00:29:16,940 --> 00:29:20,400 And to be honest and have integrity and to be trustworthy. Yeah. 527 00:29:21,320 --> 00:29:22,153 Anything you wanna add? 528 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:26,200 I think that pretty much, without going into too much overload, I mean we. 529 00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:31,080 Could we, well do an entire episode on this probably. Okay. Next one. 530 00:29:31,310 --> 00:29:32,020 Okay. 531 00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:36,480 And it's from the B D S M. Am I the asshole subreddit? Mm-hmm. . 532 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:39,160 So, yay. Okay, here we go. Uh, 533 00:29:39,170 --> 00:29:43,720 title am I the asshole for not being Okay with my friend's dynamic. Hmm. 534 00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:47,760 A few of my B D S M friends are in dynamic, I think is very dangerous. 535 00:29:48,100 --> 00:29:50,200 We started talking about it on a private munch party. 536 00:29:50,230 --> 00:29:53,640 They told me that the dynamic they're in doesn't have safe words and the sub 537 00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:56,480 doesn't have limits. The dom decides what the limits are. 538 00:29:56,710 --> 00:29:59,520 This dynamic is about everything in their life as far as I know. 539 00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:03,280 I admit that I got very upset about hearing this as I have been in an abusive 540 00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:04,113 relationship. 541 00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:07,640 I removed myself from the situation and talked to one of my friends about it a 542 00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:11,320 little, but it's agree and agree to disagree situation at the moment. 543 00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:12,520 I think this kind of dynamic, 544 00:30:13,010 --> 00:30:16,440 these kinds of dynamics make it very hard to leave an unhealthy relationship. 545 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,960 I think you need a sense of self and boundaries to keep a relationship healthy 546 00:30:20,300 --> 00:30:22,520 and be able to leave if needed. In that sense, 547 00:30:22,540 --> 00:30:25,800 the comment from one of the submissive partners that she would quote just would 548 00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:27,640 just leave was worrisome to me. 549 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:30,240 I don't know how to relate to these people from now on. 550 00:30:30,270 --> 00:30:31,440 They were becoming good friends, 551 00:30:31,460 --> 00:30:35,040 but I don't wanna support relationships I think are unhealthy. I'm wrong. 552 00:30:36,140 --> 00:30:39,520 Am I wrong for not wanting to be friends anymore? Is that even the right move? 553 00:30:39,580 --> 00:30:43,600 Or should I push for making the relationship healthier or is that not my place? 554 00:30:43,740 --> 00:30:44,880 And kink shammy. 555 00:30:45,780 --> 00:30:49,200 Ooh. Mm-hmm. . Ooh. Mm-hmm. . Um, 556 00:30:51,450 --> 00:30:54,160 there is, there's a lot going on there. Yeah. 557 00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:54,680 There. 558 00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:57,480 Is. Um, I, I think 559 00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:04,880 I , how do I Yeah. Um, 560 00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:08,920 I I think the person writing this, um, 561 00:31:10,110 --> 00:31:13,960 from what they're saying has caused to be concerned. 562 00:31:14,390 --> 00:31:16,480 Yeah. If I heard that, I would be concerned for sure. 563 00:31:16,710 --> 00:31:21,160 Okay. Um, I mean, even in consent, 564 00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:25,640 consensual non-consent, um, 565 00:31:26,540 --> 00:31:31,040 the subs limits are taken into account. Yeah. Yeah. 566 00:31:31,430 --> 00:31:33,240 Okay. You know, um. 567 00:31:33,780 --> 00:31:34,960 And the sub has limits. 568 00:31:35,100 --> 00:31:36,520 And, and they always have limits. 569 00:31:36,550 --> 00:31:40,680 Everybody has their limits and boundaries has limits. Right. , um, that, 570 00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:44,080 that, you know, that's a given. You may say you don't, but you do. Right. 571 00:31:44,100 --> 00:31:47,360 You wait till you find it. You might not have found it yet. Is is how that goes. 572 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:48,020 Right. 573 00:31:48,020 --> 00:31:52,840 And, you know, for them, them to not have safe words and, 574 00:31:53,100 --> 00:31:57,200 and, you know, the, the do to decide what their limits are. 575 00:31:57,940 --> 00:32:02,720 Um, no. That does not sound very healthy at all. No. Um, 576 00:32:04,060 --> 00:32:09,000 is it the, is it this person's place to inject themselves? 577 00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:15,120 Probably, I, I hate to say this, but probably not mm-hmm. , um, 578 00:32:18,820 --> 00:32:20,560 you know, I, I'm, 579 00:32:20,620 --> 00:32:24,720 I'm not saying this to be mean or, 580 00:32:24,940 --> 00:32:29,120 or to sound cruel or that I want to see somebody hurt. Um, 581 00:32:30,470 --> 00:32:32,120 sometimes in many cases, 582 00:32:34,430 --> 00:32:36,800 someone being in a relationship like this, 583 00:32:37,390 --> 00:32:39,840 they have to come to terms. 584 00:32:40,660 --> 00:32:42,000 And they got figured out for themselves. 585 00:32:42,220 --> 00:32:45,320 And, and they have to figure it out for themselves. Um, 586 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:49,920 I learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago. Mm-hmm. , um, 587 00:32:50,230 --> 00:32:54,840 knew this person that I worked with, um, as, 588 00:32:55,180 --> 00:32:58,760 as a work, you know, 589 00:32:58,860 --> 00:33:02,840 people who worked together, we got along fine. Um, 590 00:33:03,620 --> 00:33:07,160 got to know them on a, on a more personal level, um, 591 00:33:07,870 --> 00:33:11,480 came to realize this person was abusive. Mm-hmm. , uh, 592 00:33:11,500 --> 00:33:14,800 the person he was with, we had kind of also become friends. 593 00:33:15,900 --> 00:33:17,720 And I tried to interject 594 00:33:19,390 --> 00:33:22,400 because I thought it was wrong. Sure. Um, 595 00:33:23,900 --> 00:33:28,520 it ended up badly. Okay. Um, 596 00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:32,960 I think if they really want to help, um, 597 00:33:33,310 --> 00:33:38,200 they should at the very least remain friends with this 598 00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:41,960 person because at some point it is going to unravel. Oh God. Yeah. 599 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:43,000 . Okay. It's definitely. 600 00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:46,920 Gonna unravel at some point it's going to unravel and, 601 00:33:47,180 --> 00:33:51,640 and that person is going to need friends, 602 00:33:51,940 --> 00:33:56,440 is going to need some kind of support. Okay. 603 00:33:57,540 --> 00:33:58,373 Um, 604 00:33:59,820 --> 00:34:03,920 are they kink shaming in this aspect? I don't think so. 605 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:07,880 I think kink shaming is when you go, Ew, that's wrong, that's bad to the person. 606 00:34:08,060 --> 00:34:09,040 Or you can go around. 607 00:34:09,490 --> 00:34:10,323 Right. I. 608 00:34:10,590 --> 00:34:12,160 Community and Yeah. But. 609 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:17,200 I mean, you know, I don't like, I don't like needles. Right. Okay. 610 00:34:17,910 --> 00:34:21,440 It's my choice. I do not look at needle pictures, you know? Right. 611 00:34:21,500 --> 00:34:25,920 If I can help it, um, you know, but I don't go to somebody and say, 612 00:34:26,860 --> 00:34:30,400 oh my God, that's disgusting. You shouldn't be doing that. Right. Okay. 613 00:34:31,850 --> 00:34:33,560 Enjoy it. That's your thing. 614 00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:35,840 If that's what you love and you're doing it in a healthy way, 615 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:36,920 in a consensual way. 616 00:34:36,940 --> 00:34:38,880 And, and see that's the difference. When, when, 617 00:34:39,420 --> 00:34:43,720 if the complaint is about something because the kink exists and other people do 618 00:34:43,720 --> 00:34:46,160 it mm-hmm. , and you go, Ew, gross, eh, or Oh, 619 00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:49,760 I just don't understand, that's kink shaming. If the complaint is not, hey, 620 00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:53,440 you're doing the kink, but hey, you're doing it in an unsafe way and. 621 00:34:53,500 --> 00:34:55,640 Unsafe and unhealthy way you could get hurt. Right. 622 00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:58,440 Pointing out that you could get hurt and. 623 00:34:58,440 --> 00:34:58,990 This. 624 00:34:58,990 --> 00:35:00,720 King shaming, this is not best practice. That's not kink. 625 00:35:00,720 --> 00:35:01,020 Shaming. 626 00:35:01,020 --> 00:35:03,400 No. That is, you know, acknowledging reality. Yes. 627 00:35:03,420 --> 00:35:07,160 It might be inserting yourself in a place where you're not wanted. Right. 628 00:35:07,220 --> 00:35:10,280 And that's a whole different kind of thing to navigate. Yeah. 629 00:35:10,420 --> 00:35:13,360 But acknowledging that hey, uh, the, the, 630 00:35:13,420 --> 00:35:16,040 the way this looks from the outside is not safe. 631 00:35:16,100 --> 00:35:16,933 Not good. Right. 632 00:35:17,020 --> 00:35:20,200 And that's probably not how that should in the mm-hmm. , you know, 633 00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:22,720 should be done. That's not king shaming. No. 634 00:35:22,780 --> 00:35:25,000 So here's the thing I would say the, the detail in this, 635 00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:28,520 'cause for the most part, I would typically I think agree with your, 636 00:35:29,230 --> 00:35:30,480 with what you're saying here mm-hmm. , 637 00:35:30,540 --> 00:35:33,800 the detail that stands out to me is that this person is watching this and they 638 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:35,440 have been in an abusive relationship. Right. 639 00:35:35,660 --> 00:35:40,080 So they are primed to see things that the average person would not see. 640 00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:43,240 Sometimes it means they see things that look bad to them because of their, 641 00:35:43,370 --> 00:35:45,280 their history mm-hmm. that are not bad. 642 00:35:45,460 --> 00:35:48,840 And sometimes it's that they see it very clear-eyed and they're like, whoa, 643 00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:50,760 I see all the red flags here. Yeah. 644 00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:54,240 But that means that that could be very triggering for that person. Yes. 645 00:35:54,620 --> 00:35:57,600 And I think because of that, I think outside of that, 646 00:35:57,790 --> 00:36:00,360 even if this was not the case, but in this situation, 647 00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:03,880 I don't think they're obligated to maintain a friendship if they're gonna watch 648 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:06,640 somebody walk into mm-hmm. , 649 00:36:06,750 --> 00:36:10,840 like eyes not wide open at all, but closed very tightly. Yeah. 650 00:36:10,870 --> 00:36:15,720 Walk into a situation that they can see it has a lot of potential 651 00:36:15,720 --> 00:36:16,553 for danger. 652 00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:21,470 I think that they get to take care of themselves first and foremost. 653 00:36:21,470 --> 00:36:24,350 True. Yeah. Because you can't be a good friend if you are like rattled. 654 00:36:25,020 --> 00:36:26,470 That being said, if, 655 00:36:27,050 --> 00:36:31,110 if that person went the potential friendship with this person, 656 00:36:31,410 --> 00:36:33,670 the partner who is the sub with a don mm-hmm. 657 00:36:33,710 --> 00:36:35,710 who's decided there's no, what, what, eh, 658 00:36:35,720 --> 00:36:38,310 throw the whole guy person away. Right. Um, 659 00:36:39,570 --> 00:36:44,430 if they see something beneficial to maintaining the friendship 660 00:36:44,430 --> 00:36:48,430 with that person, I think if they, 661 00:36:48,690 --> 00:36:51,070 the opportunity presents itself for them to go look, 662 00:36:51,410 --> 00:36:55,350 the dynamic you're talking about, it really bothers me. It triggers me. 663 00:36:55,460 --> 00:36:59,230 I've seen things like this before. Mm-hmm. , I am here for you, 664 00:36:59,690 --> 00:37:04,190 but I cannot participate and watch this relationship. Okay. When you need me, 665 00:37:04,250 --> 00:37:06,870 I'm here. If we can talk about things and be around one another, 666 00:37:06,870 --> 00:37:10,390 that it's not about your dynamic, I'm down for it. Right. Um, 667 00:37:10,530 --> 00:37:14,110 if things go south, if you are in trouble, I will, you know, 668 00:37:14,250 --> 00:37:16,950 I'm not gonna judge you. You can come to me and I'll do my best. Mm-hmm. 669 00:37:16,990 --> 00:37:17,823 , right? Mm-hmm. . 670 00:37:17,850 --> 00:37:21,390 If a person is willing to do that and put themselves in that situation, 671 00:37:21,510 --> 00:37:25,070 I think that would be a great way to do it. Yeah. I think it's also okay to not 672 00:37:26,570 --> 00:37:31,030 to go, I don't wanna just have to ignore watching this. Right. True. No, 673 00:37:31,190 --> 00:37:35,980 I don't wanna just have to pretend I don't hear and see things that go 674 00:37:35,980 --> 00:37:38,820 against my own ethos. As a ster, 675 00:37:39,060 --> 00:37:42,940 I think it is absolutely okay to withdraw yourself from those friendships and 676 00:37:42,940 --> 00:37:44,140 those people. Um, 677 00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:49,740 if the opportunity presents itself. And what I mean by that is that person goes, 678 00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:53,140 Hey, can you know, you know about kink? What are some resources? 679 00:37:53,140 --> 00:37:54,500 What are some of this? What are some of that? 680 00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:59,140 Or you get into that sort of organic conversation about what do you know about 681 00:37:59,140 --> 00:38:00,260 this? Or how do you think about that? 682 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:03,700 And they're asking questions and they're asking for your opinion. 683 00:38:05,010 --> 00:38:05,940 Give your opinion. 684 00:38:06,560 --> 00:38:11,260 If they're not asking for it and they're actively resisting it, 685 00:38:11,540 --> 00:38:14,380 I think it's okay to go, okay, I'm not engaging. 686 00:38:14,380 --> 00:38:18,980 Because there's a very real chance that two things. One, 687 00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:20,500 the more you tell them how wrong they are, 688 00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:23,340 the more you push them in that direction. 'cause people don't like to be wrong. 689 00:38:23,370 --> 00:38:24,540 It's human nature thing. 690 00:38:24,720 --> 00:38:28,620 You're not wired for handling that well a lot of the time. Two, 691 00:38:28,990 --> 00:38:33,740 there can absolutely be a fear when this person who is fucking around finds out. 692 00:38:34,140 --> 00:38:35,060 'cause they will, the, 693 00:38:35,780 --> 00:38:40,400 the dom decides what the limits are and there's no safe words is so 694 00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:44,680 dangerous. Mm-hmm. , are there some very, very, um, 695 00:38:44,820 --> 00:38:49,360 minute number of people who can make that work in like an owner slave thing 696 00:38:49,650 --> 00:38:54,040 after literal years of experience and tons of safe parts. 697 00:38:54,100 --> 00:38:55,800 And place. Yeah. But even with them, they've discuss. But, but that is so rare. 698 00:38:55,980 --> 00:38:58,200 But even then, they have discussed things beforehand. 699 00:38:58,270 --> 00:39:02,360 They have, but I have heard many, uh, now I'm gonna air quote this master, go, 700 00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:05,040 okay, I've discussed it. I know what your limits are, 701 00:39:05,340 --> 00:39:09,280 so I know what I get to decide for you. And, and there's an element of this. We, 702 00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:11,800 what we don't know is how much did they discuss this? 703 00:39:12,060 --> 00:39:13,480 I'm not saying I still think it's safe. Yeah. 704 00:39:13,760 --> 00:39:17,720 I think that the people who can safely do this are the absolute exception and in 705 00:39:17,720 --> 00:39:18,420 no way the rule. 706 00:39:18,420 --> 00:39:22,760 And I think there are far fewer people out there who can do this safely than 707 00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:24,560 people who think they can do this safely. 708 00:39:25,420 --> 00:39:30,320 But if you unsolicitedly, is that a word? 709 00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:31,673 . 710 00:39:32,060 --> 00:39:35,760 If you are not asked and you start telling 'em about why it's wrong and why it's 711 00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:39,960 unsafe, and one, there's the threat of pushing them further away, right? Mm-hmm. 712 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:41,560 towards that person. Two, 713 00:39:41,560 --> 00:39:44,880 there's also the threat of when they do figure out that this is wrong, 714 00:39:45,590 --> 00:39:46,440 they don't feel like, 715 00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:49,480 they feel like they're gonna get an I told you so where they feel a sense of 716 00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:52,600 shame because you did tell them and they did not listen. Yeah. 717 00:39:52,740 --> 00:39:57,520 And so I think it's a balance. I think that, you know, I think it's, 718 00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:01,520 you've had your say, you've explained to them, I don't think this is safe. 719 00:40:01,540 --> 00:40:02,720 You're not king shaming. 720 00:40:02,740 --> 00:40:05,760 You're not king shaming By acknowledging that it doesn't seem safe to you. 721 00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:11,440 I think you get to decide what you are able to handle because you can't 722 00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:14,840 break yourself for another person who doesn't want your help or to help 723 00:40:14,840 --> 00:40:18,160 themselves. Right. That doesn't do you or anybody else any good. 724 00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:20,680 I think having a sense of self-preservation is a very good thing. 725 00:40:20,860 --> 00:40:23,160 And only you know what you can handle being around. 726 00:40:23,640 --> 00:40:28,240 I also think you don't have to fake it and be their friend and act like you 727 00:40:28,240 --> 00:40:29,073 think this is okay. 728 00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:33,080 I think withdrawing would probably be the safest option to the extent of, 729 00:40:33,580 --> 00:40:38,280 is this a person, a friend you would love to have in your life long term? 730 00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:42,600 Especially after this hellish dynamic is definitely gonna be over eventually 731 00:40:43,270 --> 00:40:46,520 then there might be ways that you go, Hey, I'm here for you. Hey, 732 00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:49,920 if you ever have questions, hey, if you ever need somebody to talk to, 733 00:40:50,240 --> 00:40:54,360 I just can't be around your dynamic. It's, it's too much for me. Mm-hmm. 734 00:40:54,400 --> 00:40:57,800 , that person's gonna decide for themselves what they're, you know, 735 00:40:57,820 --> 00:41:00,640 if they're comfortable with that or not, or if they feel judged. 736 00:41:01,220 --> 00:41:04,560 The more people kind of push back sometimes the more that's a projection. 737 00:41:04,560 --> 00:41:05,760 They know something's not right, 738 00:41:05,860 --> 00:41:09,160 so they can't hear anybody else tell them it's not right. Um, 739 00:41:10,500 --> 00:41:13,040 but until they ask for your advice, 740 00:41:13,140 --> 00:41:16,080 and sometimes they might ask for kink advice and it not be about the dynamic, 741 00:41:16,220 --> 00:41:20,720 and you can point them towards resources that will show them there are better 742 00:41:21,510 --> 00:41:22,960 ways to do things. Mm-hmm. , 743 00:41:23,180 --> 00:41:25,720 but I don't think you have to break yourself off on that. 744 00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:30,280 I don't think you have to hurt yourself in order to help somebody who does not, 745 00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:34,600 who is not actively seeking your help. And, um, 746 00:41:35,860 --> 00:41:39,200 we cannot save everybody from themselves. True. Do, 747 00:41:39,420 --> 00:41:43,760 do we all know what the worst possible outcome could be? Absolutly, 748 00:41:43,860 --> 00:41:46,800 do we all not want that to happen? Absolutly. 749 00:41:47,100 --> 00:41:51,520 But if the person who is in that situation is not in a place where they're going 750 00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,680 to hear you and they're gonna push you away, 751 00:41:54,700 --> 00:41:56,920 and you're not gonna help them until it's too late, 752 00:41:57,020 --> 00:41:59,720 or they're gonna go further down a rabbit hole and whatever, 753 00:42:01,020 --> 00:42:04,280 you can't help somebody who doesn't want to help themselves. All, 754 00:42:04,380 --> 00:42:09,320 all you can decide is how much can you safely for yourself be there. 755 00:42:09,500 --> 00:42:12,600 And if it's not safe for you to even be around it, then that's okay. Then, 756 00:42:12,710 --> 00:42:14,880 then they're going to have to find out on their own. 757 00:42:14,940 --> 00:42:19,440 And they will 99.9% of the time, oh, they find out and, 758 00:42:19,460 --> 00:42:20,080 and I hate it, 759 00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:22,920 that they're people are traumatized or they think they're not kinky or they're 760 00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:25,520 like, bad things happen to 'em. I don't want bad things to happen. No, 761 00:42:25,820 --> 00:42:27,960 but you can only give them the information so much. 762 00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:30,320 They're the ones that gotta pick it up and do something with it. 763 00:42:31,060 --> 00:42:34,040 And if that person's not ready and they're not asking those questions, 764 00:42:34,040 --> 00:42:36,880 you can't force it. But you're not kink shaman either. No. 765 00:42:38,310 --> 00:42:38,670 Okay. 766 00:42:38,670 --> 00:42:42,280 Okay. That was a heavy one though. Yeah. Okay, here we go to the next one. Um, 767 00:42:42,870 --> 00:42:44,640 it's another Am I the asshole? Mm. 768 00:42:45,500 --> 00:42:49,080 Am I the asshole for considering taking off my 24 7, 769 00:42:49,690 --> 00:42:54,560 their quote here, collar I 20 6:00 AM collared by a Dom 34. 770 00:42:54,860 --> 00:42:56,080 For the past six months, 771 00:42:56,200 --> 00:43:00,040 I have been her slave slash pet and a domestic servant and loving it. 772 00:43:00,420 --> 00:43:03,600 My first actual taste of the kink life. However, starting in May, 773 00:43:03,980 --> 00:43:06,840 she said she needed a kink break. I understood. 774 00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:10,360 As we were both new to the kink at the beginning of it. So a break made sense. 775 00:43:10,980 --> 00:43:12,520 Now it's almost the end of June, 776 00:43:12,660 --> 00:43:16,480 and she still has not given me clarity on when she would like to start kink back 777 00:43:16,500 --> 00:43:18,920 up again. I'm feeling very anxious about it, 778 00:43:18,920 --> 00:43:23,080 but also a bit upset over the lack of communication and lack of clarity on her 779 00:43:23,140 --> 00:43:27,160 end. She wants to become a pro dom and has said that my sessions with her in the 780 00:43:27,160 --> 00:43:30,360 future would be cut a lot shorter and less than what they were. 781 00:43:30,530 --> 00:43:31,960 Which first of all, good for her, 782 00:43:32,260 --> 00:43:35,800 but also I'm feeling like she is trying to get rid of me at this point by always 783 00:43:35,800 --> 00:43:38,440 saying she is busy, never actually messaging me. 784 00:43:38,980 --> 00:43:40,760 And noted we're friends outside of kink too. 785 00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:44,920 So it's not just about kink with her and I and never actually sang when she is 786 00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:48,160 free next. At this point I'm considering taking off my collar. 787 00:43:48,270 --> 00:43:52,240 It's a bracelet as I feel like this sense of ownership is gone and the 788 00:43:52,440 --> 00:43:54,560 communication just isn't there on her end. 789 00:43:54,900 --> 00:43:57,800 I'm not really liking wearing it anymore as it just makes me feel sad. 790 00:43:57,980 --> 00:44:00,160 Am I the asshole here? No. 791 00:44:00,580 --> 00:44:01,800 No. Not the asshole. 792 00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:03,240 No, no. Definitely not the asshole. 793 00:44:03,500 --> 00:44:06,840 Um, you know what, what you were saying earlier on, 794 00:44:06,840 --> 00:44:10,080 one of the things I think this, um, you know, from, 795 00:44:10,110 --> 00:44:12,000 from reading what has been written here, 796 00:44:13,620 --> 00:44:16,920 it definitely sounds like the person has checked out from. 797 00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:18,440 That. Oh God. Yeah. And they're just not able to, 798 00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:19,800 or willing to just have that hard. 799 00:44:19,800 --> 00:44:21,440 Conversation, have that hard conversation and go. 800 00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:22,320 Yeah, I'm done with this. Yeah. I. 801 00:44:22,320 --> 00:44:26,720 Don't wanna do this anymore. Yeah. Um, I mean, for them to say, well, you know, 802 00:44:26,860 --> 00:44:31,200 I'm, I'm looking into being a pro pro dom on, you know. 803 00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:32,400 And so that means I can't play with you at all. 804 00:44:32,420 --> 00:44:35,800 And, and, and, and, you know, our, our time to play, you know, 805 00:44:35,860 --> 00:44:37,640 who knows that that's. 806 00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:39,120 That's not a commitment to that relationship. 807 00:44:39,300 --> 00:44:41,760 No, it's not that, that's, that's, you know, 808 00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:45,800 as they would say the writing on the wall. Oh, yeah. Okay. So, you know, no, 809 00:44:45,880 --> 00:44:49,160 I don't think that person is, is, you know, 810 00:44:49,380 --> 00:44:54,320 the asshole for wanting to take off the collar. Um, at this point I, I, 811 00:44:54,600 --> 00:44:57,720 I think they should and, and kind of move on. 812 00:44:58,190 --> 00:45:02,720 Yeah. I think, and this is a personal thing, I, I, my personal thing would be, 813 00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:06,440 I, I would send that one, one more message, email to mm-hmm. , 814 00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:09,960 however you communicate and go, look, we're not in a dynamic at this point. 815 00:45:10,200 --> 00:45:11,520 I feel like I'm being strung along. 816 00:45:11,580 --> 00:45:16,360 You're not engaging with me in the way that I, that we once did mm-hmm. 817 00:45:16,400 --> 00:45:16,440 . 818 00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:19,280 And in a way that I need to feel like I'm part of this relationship. 819 00:45:19,780 --> 00:45:21,800 I'm gonna just take off my collar. And then of course, 820 00:45:21,970 --> 00:45:24,000 we've had these conversations way in the past. What do you do with the collar? 821 00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:27,000 Do you send it back? Is it yours? I don't know, but whatever. Yeah. 822 00:45:27,020 --> 00:45:28,120 That's up to that, you. 823 00:45:28,120 --> 00:45:30,000 Know, you seem to be checked out of this mm-hmm. , 824 00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:32,640 I can't do this anymore. I'm, I won't be wearing your collar. 825 00:45:32,960 --> 00:45:37,520 I would like to believe that me non-confrontational me would at least do that, 826 00:45:37,700 --> 00:45:41,240 but I think that's a personal choice. I think that, um, 827 00:45:42,260 --> 00:45:46,160 that's about whether you think you'll get an answer back, whether mm-hmm. 828 00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:49,080 , it's one of those things that, you know, if you're like, 829 00:45:49,310 --> 00:45:51,920 clearly this is over and done with, I'm just taking it off. 830 00:45:51,920 --> 00:45:55,000 They won't even notice, they won't say anything. Yeah. You know, you know. 831 00:45:55,120 --> 00:45:58,120 'cause I think there's also a thing where you could just never reach out to them 832 00:45:58,120 --> 00:45:59,840 again and they probably would never reach. 833 00:45:59,860 --> 00:46:02,160 Out to you. I mean, they, they probably wouldn't get an answer. I mean, 834 00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:05,880 it says they, they never actually messaging them. Right. You know, so. 835 00:46:06,140 --> 00:46:08,320 For me personally, I think I would do it to be able to go, 836 00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:11,760 I feel like I did well, air, air quote this, this is personal subjective, 837 00:46:11,760 --> 00:46:14,720 the right thing. Sure. That would feel like the right thing to me mm-hmm. 838 00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:17,600 to create that sense of closure of, okay, 839 00:46:17,820 --> 00:46:20,120 you are shitty at communicating, but I'm not, yeah. I'm gonna, 840 00:46:20,420 --> 00:46:22,600 I'm gonna do this in a way that feels right to me. 841 00:46:22,700 --> 00:46:24,520 If that doesn't feel right to you, then don't do it. 842 00:46:24,620 --> 00:46:27,640 But that would probably be the only thing I would do. 843 00:46:27,640 --> 00:46:30,600 And if somebody asked me my advice on what they should do, I'd go, okay, 844 00:46:30,890 --> 00:46:34,080 maybe this. But I also think that if they're that checked out, 845 00:46:34,080 --> 00:46:35,400 they're not even gonna notice. Mm-hmm. , 846 00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:37,320 you could literally just stop messaging them, 847 00:46:37,950 --> 00:46:42,080 take off the collar and they'd never know because they've already moved on. 848 00:46:42,080 --> 00:46:45,600 Yeah. And, but since they're friends outside of the dynamic, they might, 849 00:46:45,800 --> 00:46:47,640 I could, that would be the other reason for do, 850 00:46:47,700 --> 00:46:49,320 for saying something as you're doing it. 851 00:46:49,320 --> 00:46:50,840 Because if your friends outside of the dynamic, 852 00:46:50,840 --> 00:46:53,920 you're probably gonna run into one another. Yeah. And, you know, 853 00:46:54,220 --> 00:46:57,160 are hopefully they would notice you weren't wearing the bracelet anymore. 854 00:46:57,260 --> 00:46:58,840 One, one would think Yeah. One would. 855 00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:03,120 Hope. Yeah. Um, but yeah, I, first of all, you're not the asshole. 856 00:47:03,120 --> 00:47:03,830 Second of all, yeah. 857 00:47:03,830 --> 00:47:08,200 This person is checked out and does not have the confidence or the communication 858 00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:10,720 skills to just, you know, they're, 859 00:47:10,720 --> 00:47:14,320 they're just not willing to just say the hard thing of, Hey, 860 00:47:14,470 --> 00:47:17,840 this isn't working for me anymore. I'm, I'm moving on to other things. 861 00:47:18,660 --> 00:47:21,880 It was great while it lasted. I'm so sorry. Whatever. Whatever. Right. 862 00:47:22,500 --> 00:47:24,400 And that sucks. 'cause, you know, 863 00:47:25,110 --> 00:47:29,590 everybody in involved in a power exchange relationship needs to develop their 864 00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:32,120 communication skills. And this might not be fair to Doms, 865 00:47:32,120 --> 00:47:35,200 but I sure as shit do expect a lot more from a fucking dom. 866 00:47:35,200 --> 00:47:36,160 If you get all that power, 867 00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:39,240 that means you get all that responsibility and that means mm-hmm. 868 00:47:39,280 --> 00:47:41,040 learn to use your fucking words. Yeah. 869 00:47:41,340 --> 00:47:45,400 But I also know that it's a skill and if they were both new to kink at this 870 00:47:45,430 --> 00:47:49,680 time, that skill might not have been developed. Quite frankly. 871 00:47:49,680 --> 00:47:51,640 That's a little scary if the, 872 00:47:51,980 --> 00:47:56,200 the dom before they go pro can't have a car hard conversation with somebody. 873 00:47:56,270 --> 00:47:58,080 Yeah. And it, it, 874 00:47:58,080 --> 00:48:02,360 there's no money like riding on it and it's just an interpersonal relationship. 875 00:48:02,780 --> 00:48:07,400 How are they gonna be as a pro when your communication skills really have to be 876 00:48:07,400 --> 00:48:10,400 on point because you're managing expectations for you and a client. Mm-hmm. 877 00:48:10,440 --> 00:48:12,160 , like, I can't even fucking imagine. Right. Yeah. 878 00:48:12,160 --> 00:48:14,920 That's a them problem. And when they write into Reddit, we'll, 879 00:48:14,930 --> 00:48:16,800 we'll respond to 'em. , , 880 00:48:18,140 --> 00:48:21,840 that's not this person's problem. No. This is where my mind went. Yeah. Um, 881 00:48:21,840 --> 00:48:23,480 they're not the asshole. Definitely. 882 00:48:23,820 --> 00:48:27,480 And either just take the fucking collar off and stop contacting or mm-hmm. 883 00:48:27,520 --> 00:48:32,160 find like whatever makes them feel good about what's happening. 884 00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:33,800 To say something like, however that would work, send. 885 00:48:33,830 --> 00:48:36,920 Send that final communication however you, you choose to do it. 886 00:48:36,920 --> 00:48:39,240 And, and then go nurse your heartbreak with like, your good friends, 887 00:48:39,380 --> 00:48:43,080 the people who like care enough about you to tell you the hard fucking thing. 888 00:48:43,150 --> 00:48:48,120 Like Yeah. Yeah. And, and you know what, be heartbroken. Mm-hmm. 889 00:48:48,120 --> 00:48:51,800 Mm-hmm. , be angry, be sad. Feel the emotions that you feel mm-hmm. 890 00:48:51,840 --> 00:48:54,840 . Like it, was it not an official breakup? No. But it's. 891 00:48:55,260 --> 00:48:57,680 But it's still, still, it's still a, a breakup. Right. 892 00:48:57,900 --> 00:49:00,640 You know's just been like strung out over weeks, 893 00:49:00,730 --> 00:49:04,960 which that's unfair to you completely. Yeah. 894 00:49:05,180 --> 00:49:08,720 And I think whatever emotions come up, you know, are valid. Mm-hmm. 895 00:49:08,760 --> 00:49:10,240 . And it was a real relationship for you, 896 00:49:10,260 --> 00:49:14,360 and you were keeping it going as best you could and they were not participating. 897 00:49:14,540 --> 00:49:19,280 And so, yeah. But no, you definitely take the fucking thing off. Yeah. Okay. 898 00:49:19,750 --> 00:49:24,240 Last one. And this is really long. Oh goodness. 899 00:49:24,500 --> 00:49:28,040 But I got so into it while I was reading, I went, okay. We, I've, 900 00:49:28,040 --> 00:49:32,720 we've gotta do this one. So bear with me. All right. As I read, it's so long. 901 00:49:32,870 --> 00:49:35,880 Okay. With rose tinted glasses, 902 00:49:36,180 --> 00:49:40,160 I'm finding it hard to see if these are red flags. Mm. Hi y'all. 903 00:49:40,480 --> 00:49:43,480 I 18 female am new to the scene, but I've known, 904 00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:45,920 I've been interested in B D S M for a while. Sorry, 905 00:49:45,940 --> 00:49:49,920 in advance for the length of this post . I'm not near any major cities, 906 00:49:49,980 --> 00:49:52,280 so I turn to the internet and anonymous chat rooms. 907 00:49:52,430 --> 00:49:54,280 Most of the guys there aren't looking for a partner. 908 00:49:54,280 --> 00:49:56,920 They're looking for someone who will send them nudes and hype up their own 909 00:49:57,080 --> 00:50:00,200 mediocre at best and downright misogynistic at worst fantasies. 910 00:50:00,920 --> 00:50:04,360 A few of the first people I chatted with had no talk of boundaries or consent or 911 00:50:04,600 --> 00:50:08,280 anything really. Eventually I hit it off with an experienced guy, 912 00:50:08,500 --> 00:50:12,960 23 question mark, male who was interested in doming me. I'm a switch, 913 00:50:12,980 --> 00:50:16,240 but normally I don't disclose this for fear of getting turned down. 914 00:50:16,620 --> 00:50:18,320 So I said I was a sub. Instead, 915 00:50:18,580 --> 00:50:21,440 we chatted briefly and it was like finding a needle in a haystack. 916 00:50:21,780 --> 00:50:23,360 We talked about kinks, boundaries, 917 00:50:23,360 --> 00:50:26,960 what I was and wasn't comfortable sharing even the types of punishment I'm okay 918 00:50:27,080 --> 00:50:30,560 with. He even made me declare a safe word before we even started. 919 00:50:31,020 --> 00:50:32,680 We played the first time and it was great. 920 00:50:32,780 --> 00:50:35,920 He pressed buttons I didn't even know I had and pushed me in a way that felt 921 00:50:36,200 --> 00:50:37,840 encouraging. I wanted to keep going, 922 00:50:37,900 --> 00:50:40,840 but he stopped the scene and made me get dressed. Good thing too. 923 00:50:40,860 --> 00:50:43,200 My legs were shaking and I felt kind of exhausted. 924 00:50:43,820 --> 00:50:46,120 He sent a couple messages telling me to get some rest, 925 00:50:46,300 --> 00:50:49,080 and then he told me no touching myself for the next 24 hours. 926 00:50:49,680 --> 00:50:53,800 Chastity slash orgasm control wasn't something we had discussed or even brought 927 00:50:53,820 --> 00:50:55,360 up 'cause I'm an idiot. 928 00:50:55,560 --> 00:50:59,080 I decided to break his only rule he gave me to see what would happen or 929 00:50:59,080 --> 00:51:01,240 something. Even now, I'm not really sure why I did that. 930 00:51:01,760 --> 00:51:05,600 I think I felt the need to test him or something. When I told him his messages, 931 00:51:05,710 --> 00:51:08,440 when I told him, his messages became really short. 932 00:51:08,740 --> 00:51:13,440 He told me not to contact him until the next night and refused slash ignored my 933 00:51:13,440 --> 00:51:17,040 begging for a punishment the next day. I felt so weird and bad. 934 00:51:17,060 --> 00:51:18,960 It was like I had just kicked a dog or something. 935 00:51:19,360 --> 00:51:23,120 I tried doing things I normally enjoyed, but it all felt so empty and lifeless. 936 00:51:23,280 --> 00:51:24,920 I felt sick and couldn't eat much. 937 00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:29,240 I wrote out a long message explaining that I was sorry I'd take any punishment 938 00:51:29,240 --> 00:51:33,720 he wanted to give and that I wanted to discuss slash renegotiate boundaries. 939 00:51:33,820 --> 00:51:35,280 He told me not to message him, 940 00:51:35,300 --> 00:51:38,840 so I decided to hold off until the time he gave me. The next night. 941 00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:41,280 He asked how my day was and I answered honestly. 942 00:51:41,620 --> 00:51:44,640 He told me that he was glad I understood what I did was wrong. 943 00:51:44,790 --> 00:51:46,920 Then I sent the long ass message I wrote earlier, 944 00:51:47,300 --> 00:51:51,520 and all he responded was that quote, I didn't need to worry about the agreement. 945 00:51:51,820 --> 00:51:56,520 All my job was to obey. This struck me as really off for some reason, 946 00:51:56,540 --> 00:52:00,520 but I agreed anyway because he's the one in charge because I felt bad. 947 00:52:00,520 --> 00:52:04,240 He told me to get some rest and text him in the morning. When I woke up, 948 00:52:04,400 --> 00:52:06,520 I texted him and he asked if I was feeling better. 949 00:52:06,830 --> 00:52:09,680 When I responded in the affirmative, he initiated a scene. 950 00:52:10,030 --> 00:52:12,200 This one was shorter and much less satisfactory. 951 00:52:12,320 --> 00:52:15,600 I had trouble communicating what I wanted and it left me feeling more frustrated 952 00:52:15,600 --> 00:52:16,433 and lonely. 953 00:52:16,440 --> 00:52:19,720 I had to ask for further commands and had to wait minutes for a response, 954 00:52:20,110 --> 00:52:23,120 even if it was just a yes or no. Earlier tonight, 955 00:52:23,280 --> 00:52:26,920 I was expressing some frustrations about my vanilla life and getting in trouble 956 00:52:26,920 --> 00:52:28,120 for things I couldn't control. 957 00:52:28,620 --> 00:52:31,840 He told me that he messes up too sometimes and I should try to avoid any 958 00:52:32,040 --> 00:52:32,873 mistakes in the future. 959 00:52:33,480 --> 00:52:37,280 I thanked him because I didn't know what else to say and then we didn't talk any 960 00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:41,120 further because this is the first chat that's extended past one scene. 961 00:52:41,240 --> 00:52:42,520 I feel the need to continue it. 962 00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:45,680 I would feel extremely guilty ghosting slash blocking him, 963 00:52:45,790 --> 00:52:48,560 even if I've only known him for a few days. But at the same time, 964 00:52:48,720 --> 00:52:53,280 I feel so shitty and I just want something more. Um, T L D R. 965 00:52:53,280 --> 00:52:56,080 I've been in some online chat rooms and found a dom. I really hit it off with. 966 00:52:56,080 --> 00:52:56,370 However, 967 00:52:56,370 --> 00:52:59,680 every subsequent scene or interaction has left me off kilter and wondering if 968 00:52:59,700 --> 00:53:04,120 I'm in the wrong here. Additional info. I don't know his name, 969 00:53:04,230 --> 00:53:07,000 only his username. I haven't called him anything other than sir, 970 00:53:07,220 --> 00:53:10,160 and I'm not sure what will happen if I do. My username is a fake name, 971 00:53:10,180 --> 00:53:13,480 so it can't be connected to me. While I have sent various photos slash videos, 972 00:53:13,870 --> 00:53:15,680 I've received nothing. Luckily, 973 00:53:15,740 --> 00:53:18,640 all my images do you know how my face are personal info in them and he, 974 00:53:18,660 --> 00:53:21,080 to my knowledge, hasn't saved or screenshotted any of them. 975 00:53:21,720 --> 00:53:23,080 I think he's in a different time zone. 976 00:53:23,140 --> 00:53:26,190 He seems surprised when I told him that it was, was what time it was for me. 977 00:53:26,340 --> 00:53:27,440 And when we texted at night, 978 00:53:27,440 --> 00:53:29,240 he mentioned something about needing to finish up work. 979 00:53:29,730 --> 00:53:33,440 There might be a language barrier while he capitalizes the first word of every 980 00:53:33,760 --> 00:53:35,320 sentence and uses punctuation correctly. 981 00:53:35,610 --> 00:53:38,080 There are some times where his wording is a little off, 982 00:53:38,110 --> 00:53:39,280 like the grammar isn't quite right. 983 00:53:39,380 --> 00:53:42,440 I'm worried that what I'm saying in English might not be translating correctly. 984 00:53:43,380 --> 00:53:46,840 Um, I forgot to mention earlier, but he asked me if I had any other doms. 985 00:53:46,860 --> 00:53:49,160 I'm polyamorous plus I've been chatting with some other guys. 986 00:53:49,600 --> 00:53:51,000 I told him that I had texted other people, 987 00:53:51,020 --> 00:53:52,720 but he was the first one to be nice to me. 988 00:53:53,220 --> 00:53:56,280 He only asked if I had other doms the night I told him about touching myself. 989 00:53:56,360 --> 00:53:59,320 I felt dejected afterward and went back to the chat room again and found a sub 990 00:53:59,320 --> 00:54:01,960 there who I played with for two plus hours. That was magical. 991 00:54:02,220 --> 00:54:05,240 And he was so good. I made sure after the scene to tell him how good he was, 992 00:54:05,260 --> 00:54:08,520 how proud I was of him. Just generally being flattering. Unfortunately for me, 993 00:54:08,520 --> 00:54:12,320 that sub can't play nightly and I have a fairly high libido with me. We, 994 00:54:12,420 --> 00:54:15,960 me plus the sub discussed it and our texting and playing is not an exclusive 995 00:54:15,960 --> 00:54:17,800 thing. So the advice I'm looking for is, 996 00:54:17,860 --> 00:54:20,760 am I just not well-versed enough in BDSM slash the scene? 997 00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:24,120 And this is actually normal. Are these actually warning signs? 998 00:54:24,220 --> 00:54:27,880 And if I do wanna find a long-term or even short-term partner, where do I look? 999 00:54:28,540 --> 00:54:32,400 It is not, it's typical, but it's not normal and it's not okay. 1000 00:54:32,580 --> 00:54:36,680 Let me just say that , it is fucking typical, sadly, but it is not okay. 1001 00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:40,920 I it's not normal. That guy's a piece of fucking shit. 1002 00:54:41,190 --> 00:54:42,840 That guy was looking for a cheap thrill. 1003 00:54:43,020 --> 00:54:45,000 Thrill with none of the fucking responsibilities. 1004 00:54:45,090 --> 00:54:48,640 Right. I, I agree with you wholeheartedly. Um, 1005 00:54:49,820 --> 00:54:53,720 you know, um, you know, 1006 00:54:53,890 --> 00:54:58,760 while she is young, so young, yeah. Oh my God. 1007 00:54:59,100 --> 00:55:03,480 Um, you know, she, she does have some knowledge obviously of yes. 1008 00:55:03,880 --> 00:55:05,880 B D S M. It's hard not to. Okay. 1009 00:55:05,890 --> 00:55:07,400 Right. I mean, we, but we have to say, 1010 00:55:07,400 --> 00:55:09,520 and we do mean please don't be under 18 here. Right. 1011 00:55:09,520 --> 00:55:13,640 But we also know if you are a person with access to the internet, come on y'all. 1012 00:55:13,640 --> 00:55:14,880 We know. We know. We know. 1013 00:55:14,880 --> 00:55:18,560 Right. It, it's, it's easy enough for for them to find. I mean, I, 1014 00:55:18,720 --> 00:55:22,200 I still remember the day we were when we were at, 1015 00:55:22,340 --> 00:55:27,240 at the old Munch that we ran and person walked in and 1016 00:55:27,240 --> 00:55:27,960 was like, you just. 1017 00:55:27,960 --> 00:55:28,793 Turned 18. 1018 00:55:29,120 --> 00:55:33,600 I I I just turned 18. I, you know, been following the lifestyle for a long time, 1019 00:55:33,600 --> 00:55:37,000 but I stayed away because I, I wasn't of age. But now I am. And I, 1020 00:55:37,160 --> 00:55:38,400 I want to be here. . I know. 1021 00:55:38,550 --> 00:55:40,840 They were. Okay. This is me showing how old I am. 1022 00:55:40,840 --> 00:55:43,480 They were adorable and precious and I fucking loved it. Right. I, 1023 00:55:43,550 --> 00:55:48,120 from the very top before, before she even got into is this guy shitty, 1024 00:55:48,580 --> 00:55:53,400 my heart broke because she said, I'm really a switch. Yeah. 1025 00:55:53,500 --> 00:55:57,000 But I get turned down for that. So I just said I was a sub. Yeah. 1026 00:55:57,180 --> 00:56:00,360 And that what I would tell anybody of any age, 1027 00:56:00,380 --> 00:56:03,640 but certainly our baby sters who are just coming in. Right? Yeah. 1028 00:56:03,640 --> 00:56:06,600 Whether you're baby ster. 'cause you found out five minutes ago when you're 60. 1029 00:56:06,600 --> 00:56:11,560 Mm-hmm. Or you're 18. Please just be true to who you are if you're a switch. 1030 00:56:11,700 --> 00:56:14,560 Say, let people self-select out. 1031 00:56:14,740 --> 00:56:19,560 Let them knope out before they drag you into their bullshit and you're 1032 00:56:19,910 --> 00:56:22,880 feeling away. And then they can't reciprocate with what you need. Please. 1033 00:56:23,050 --> 00:56:23,210 I mean, 1034 00:56:23,210 --> 00:56:27,560 that I understand being lonely and wanting to play and wanting the fulfillment. 1035 00:56:27,560 --> 00:56:28,720 Mm-hmm. or even temporarily. 1036 00:56:29,220 --> 00:56:32,120 But when it comes to like looking for something that's gonna be real, 1037 00:56:32,900 --> 00:56:36,360 please just be who you are. Just say, right, I'm a switch. I'm a this, 1038 00:56:36,540 --> 00:56:37,373 I'm a that. Mm-hmm. , just. 1039 00:56:37,810 --> 00:56:41,840 Don't, don't be as, don't be feel. You need to be ashamed of who you are. 1040 00:56:42,040 --> 00:56:45,840 'Cause I promise you, if more people would do that one, you know, 1041 00:56:46,460 --> 00:56:49,000 it might be fewer and further between before you found people mm-hmm. 1042 00:56:49,040 --> 00:56:51,280 you could play with even temporarily. But two, 1043 00:56:51,520 --> 00:56:54,440 I think you'd probably be shocked at how many people really are switches, 1044 00:56:54,440 --> 00:56:58,760 but won't say it because they have had to deal with either stigma or rejection. 1045 00:56:58,760 --> 00:57:03,080 Or whatever. You know, I I I, I've talked about this in the past, how, you know, 1046 00:57:03,780 --> 00:57:08,480 in, in many places if you were known as a dom in, 1047 00:57:08,540 --> 00:57:13,160 in a certain local mm-hmm. community, um, you know, 1048 00:57:13,160 --> 00:57:17,360 but you were actually a switch. Yeah. You, if you came out as a, as a switch, 1049 00:57:17,500 --> 00:57:18,333 you were shunned. 1050 00:57:18,400 --> 00:57:21,000 I know such some of these people used to go to different cities. I know. 1051 00:57:21,180 --> 00:57:23,520 To be able to, to such bullshit. Yeah. It is. 1052 00:57:23,900 --> 00:57:28,200 And and it's sad to see something like this still existing. Um, 1053 00:57:29,460 --> 00:57:33,640 you know, my, my best advice to this person Yeah. 1054 00:57:33,970 --> 00:57:34,480 Block and. 1055 00:57:34,480 --> 00:57:34,910 Delete. 1056 00:57:34,910 --> 00:57:38,760 Yeah. You know, walk, walk away. Um, 1057 00:57:39,860 --> 00:57:43,600 you know. Yeah. It's hard. I, 1058 00:57:43,720 --> 00:57:46,560 I think in the beginning they said they were not near a local a, a. 1059 00:57:46,730 --> 00:57:48,640 Metro. Right? No. They don't have access to something. 1060 00:57:48,810 --> 00:57:49,180 Local. 1061 00:57:49,180 --> 00:57:49,980 And in person. 1062 00:57:49,980 --> 00:57:54,320 Um, can't believe I'm really saying this, 1063 00:57:55,100 --> 00:57:59,040 um, you know, fe life get on FET life. 1064 00:57:59,200 --> 00:58:02,400 I mean, you're still gonna come across some of that. You absolutely fucking are. 1065 00:58:02,700 --> 00:58:03,140 You are. 1066 00:58:03,140 --> 00:58:07,920 But if there are anybody, if there is anybody in your local area, 1067 00:58:08,180 --> 00:58:09,600 you may be able to find them. 1068 00:58:09,650 --> 00:58:12,200 Right. Just 'cause it's not a major metro. Doesn't mean there're any five. 1069 00:58:12,200 --> 00:58:14,320 Marches or something. Doesn't mean there aren't, you know, um, 1070 00:58:15,380 --> 00:58:18,920 odd odds are in favor that you are not the only kinky person where you live. 1071 00:58:18,920 --> 00:58:23,000 Right. Right. You just don't know about it. Um, you know, the other thing is, 1072 00:58:24,420 --> 00:58:28,040 um, you know, chat rooms can be fun. 1073 00:58:28,910 --> 00:58:30,680 Chat rooms can be interesting. 1074 00:58:31,710 --> 00:58:33,560 It's a great place to play an experiment. It. 1075 00:58:33,560 --> 00:58:37,800 It's a great place to play an experiment, but, you know, um, 1076 00:58:38,500 --> 00:58:41,800 it, it is also a cesspool a a lot of, because. 1077 00:58:41,800 --> 00:58:45,080 Some people figure out the language of this. Yes. So they sound good. Right. 1078 00:58:45,140 --> 00:58:48,080 But they can't actually back it up with like the reality. Mm-hmm. This guy, 1079 00:58:48,120 --> 00:58:50,440 I think is a prime example. Yeah. New, 1080 00:58:50,460 --> 00:58:53,680 all the right things to experience mm-hmm. experience. Experience. 1081 00:58:53,760 --> 00:58:54,840 Shithead is what he is. 1082 00:58:54,970 --> 00:58:59,800 Right. Um, you know, get in, go, go into fe life. 1083 00:59:00,060 --> 00:59:04,160 You know, you're 18, you're of age now and you know, 1084 00:59:04,300 --> 00:59:08,240 not only to look for people in your area, but my gosh, you know, 1085 00:59:08,470 --> 00:59:13,360 even in the closest metro area, you may find online communities mm-hmm. 1086 00:59:13,400 --> 00:59:17,080 , you know, um, since, since the pandemic, 1087 00:59:17,820 --> 00:59:22,080 so many things were put online and so many things have remained there. Yeah. 1088 00:59:22,260 --> 00:59:26,640 You know, so many workshops now are hybrids. They're done in person and in line. 1089 00:59:27,110 --> 00:59:31,480 Munches are done hybrid in person and in line, you know, and. 1090 00:59:31,940 --> 00:59:35,120 Online in a kink space for Sters, right? Yes. 1091 00:59:35,120 --> 00:59:37,120 There will be shitty people always mm-hmm. everywhere. 1092 00:59:37,340 --> 00:59:41,360 But you also can find online groups that are geared towards switches. Right. 1093 00:59:41,360 --> 00:59:41,560 Like, 1094 00:59:41,560 --> 00:59:46,400 you could find other switchy people and whether you play or not is less the 1095 00:59:46,400 --> 00:59:48,960 point and you're gonna make friends. Let's go through the red flags, right? 1096 00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:50,800 Yeah. Because their initial questions, am I seeing, 1097 00:59:50,800 --> 00:59:54,600 are these rose colored glasses? Is this really a red flag? Let's see. Um, 1098 00:59:55,060 --> 00:59:58,800 the good, the good part is they had these conversations, right? Yeah. 1099 00:59:59,300 --> 01:00:03,880 But stop the scene. Made her get dressed. I hear, I see. 1100 01:00:03,880 --> 01:00:08,880 And read nothing, uh, about aftercare, about making sure No. How are you doing? 1101 01:00:08,930 --> 01:00:12,480 Let's check in a couple of messages telling her to get some rest. Uh, 1102 01:00:12,620 --> 01:00:16,520 and that's, I don't see where they negotiated aftercare. Mm-hmm. Um, 1103 01:00:17,080 --> 01:00:21,200 I don't see where it was offered. It would be her prerogative to go, 1104 01:00:21,280 --> 01:00:23,520 I don't need that. Or I mean, sometimes you learn the hard way. 1105 01:00:23,520 --> 01:00:26,000 Whether you need aftercare or not. I don't need that. Don't worry. 1106 01:00:26,000 --> 01:00:29,560 But I don't see where it's even discussed. So that tells me no discussion. 1107 01:00:29,660 --> 01:00:31,920 So all we talked about were the kinks in the play, but we're, 1108 01:00:31,980 --> 01:00:35,400 we are not talking about what do we do afterwards mm-hmm. . 1109 01:00:35,420 --> 01:00:38,960 So she gets no aftercare. So that tells me, I'm not saying she hit subspace. 1110 01:00:38,960 --> 01:00:42,240 Maybe she did if her legs were shaky and she felt kind of exhausted, maybe. 1111 01:00:42,620 --> 01:00:45,920 But that means that she had some kind of up Yeah. 1112 01:00:45,920 --> 01:00:49,040 Which means she's gonna have some kind of down, so that's gonna be drop, right? 1113 01:00:49,040 --> 01:00:52,800 Yeah. Then so no aftercare, first one, no. Even conversation about it Right. 1114 01:00:53,630 --> 01:00:57,400 Then makes a rule about no touching herself for 24 hours. 1115 01:00:57,550 --> 01:01:00,320 When that was something that was never even previously discussed. 1116 01:01:00,320 --> 01:01:02,360 They never discussed next red flag. Right. Um, 1117 01:01:03,580 --> 01:01:08,120 so then decides that the punishment is, um, 1118 01:01:08,900 --> 01:01:11,840 to to be ignored. Yeah. Or to go no contact. 1119 01:01:12,270 --> 01:01:16,240 That doesn't sound like that was something they discussed either. No red flag. 1120 01:01:16,340 --> 01:01:19,160 And to fucking do it just because you're motherfucker, 1121 01:01:19,160 --> 01:01:21,360 you're playing at this point, you were playing it being a dom. Mm-hmm. 1122 01:01:21,400 --> 01:01:24,480 , you're not actually a dom. Shut the fuck up. Right. Um, 1123 01:01:24,790 --> 01:01:27,120 then feeling weird and bad. So I think there was some drop. 1124 01:01:27,620 --> 01:01:31,640 And then I think there was that emotional crash of I can't talk to this person 1125 01:01:31,740 --> 01:01:35,680 who I'm, I think I have this connection with. I just had this moment with like, 1126 01:01:36,220 --> 01:01:40,760 so it's either basically drop on top of drop or it's just that, that emotional, 1127 01:01:41,100 --> 01:01:44,960 uh, of, I, I feel like I've been abandoned at this like mm-hmm. Moment. Mm-hmm. 1128 01:01:45,060 --> 01:01:46,760 You and I tried one time to do no. 1129 01:01:46,760 --> 01:01:49,800 Contact. We drive one time and, and, and, yeah. No, no. 1130 01:01:50,020 --> 01:01:53,160 Not only do we know we can't do it, I'm, I know there are people who do it. 1131 01:01:53,420 --> 01:01:54,840 I'm not a fan of it. Mm-hmm. I don't, 1132 01:01:55,320 --> 01:02:00,280 I maybe if you have somehow lived a perfect life with no trauma and 1133 01:02:00,280 --> 01:02:01,520 no triggers, but mm-hmm. , you know, 1134 01:02:01,520 --> 01:02:03,400 there's like five of you on the planet like that , 1135 01:02:03,400 --> 01:02:07,440 most of us most of us didn't live that life. So, you know, I don't, 1136 01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:08,800 I would never recommend it. 1137 01:02:09,000 --> 01:02:11,640 I don't love to see it when people tell me they do it. I mean. 1138 01:02:11,640 --> 01:02:13,600 But I, I, I admit at, you know, 1139 01:02:14,020 --> 01:02:16,880 and I admitted it was the stupidest thing I ever did. Yeah. 1140 01:02:16,960 --> 01:02:20,560 I mean, you broke it, thank God. Yeah. I was, uh, yeah. Yeah. Um, 1141 01:02:21,110 --> 01:02:25,720 basically not communicating if she sends this long ass message 1142 01:02:25,780 --> 01:02:27,520 mm-hmm. , and then he, you know, 1143 01:02:27,670 --> 01:02:32,200 says he was glad she understood what she did was wrong. No. I mean, yes, maybe, 1144 01:02:32,220 --> 01:02:36,040 but she didn't really do anything wrong. There was no rule. 1145 01:02:36,180 --> 01:02:40,960 So there was no impetus on her to maintain a rule that she didn't 1146 01:02:40,960 --> 01:02:43,280 agree to, that she hadn't consented to it in the first place. 1147 01:02:43,620 --> 01:02:48,360 And also now she sent a long message explaining her feelings and he does not 1148 01:02:48,460 --> 01:02:51,400 engage with her on that. That Right. And have a real conversation. Red flag. 1149 01:02:51,430 --> 01:02:54,960 Yeah. Red. Fuck him. They're a red flag after red flag. After red flag. 1150 01:02:54,960 --> 01:02:56,160 Right. A lot of them. Yes. 1151 01:02:56,160 --> 01:02:58,920 Right. And every time she's like feeling bad, 1152 01:02:58,920 --> 01:03:02,040 whether it's physically because she just went through something intense or 1153 01:03:02,040 --> 01:03:04,480 emotionally, because he put her through something intense. Mm-hmm. 1154 01:03:04,520 --> 01:03:09,080 , his response is, get some rest. Yeah. I'm fucking cringing. 1155 01:03:09,280 --> 01:03:11,720 I wanna like turn myself inside out. , this is so 1156 01:03:14,150 --> 01:03:18,280 Yeah. And then oh, oh, when they're talking again and he's like, oh, 1157 01:03:18,280 --> 01:03:21,120 you feeling better? Okay, let's scene. Yeah. Like, it's not, yeah. I mean, 1158 01:03:21,120 --> 01:03:24,000 and here's the thing. I think it's okay to have these dynamics, 1159 01:03:24,000 --> 01:03:27,160 especially online, where it's primarily about seeming mm-hmm. 1160 01:03:27,200 --> 01:03:28,520 and it's more of a, 1161 01:03:28,960 --> 01:03:33,040 a kink thing or maybe a sexual thing and less about power dynamics. 1162 01:03:33,040 --> 01:03:35,040 But if you are going to play at power dynamics, 1163 01:03:35,040 --> 01:03:36,720 there are certain elements that still need to be there. 1164 01:03:37,080 --> 01:03:38,360 Communication being one of them. 1165 01:03:38,390 --> 01:03:41,440 Even, even as a top and a bottom that you're not in a relationship. 1166 01:03:41,500 --> 01:03:43,600 You just play together. You know, there, 1167 01:03:43,690 --> 01:03:46,000 there has to be some kind of communication if, 1168 01:03:46,140 --> 01:03:50,240 if the other person is not up to playing. Right. You know, 1169 01:03:50,790 --> 01:03:52,040 then it needs. 1170 01:03:52,080 --> 01:03:53,040 To be able to, and so here's the thing. 1171 01:03:53,460 --> 01:03:57,040 So she had trouble communicating what she wanted, feeling more frustrated, 1172 01:03:57,040 --> 01:03:59,040 lonely. They're in a scene. Mm-hmm. , 1173 01:03:59,140 --> 01:04:01,640 but she's having to wait minutes for a response. 1174 01:04:01,820 --> 01:04:05,080 If you don't actually have the time for a scene that you can dedicate to it, 1175 01:04:05,100 --> 01:04:07,440 you need to fucking say that. Right. Right. Yeah. 1176 01:04:07,440 --> 01:04:10,280 You need to like be upfront and go, okay, yeah, let's scene great, 1177 01:04:10,380 --> 01:04:13,600 but I'm in the middle of stuff, so my responses might be a little whatever. 1178 01:04:13,780 --> 01:04:17,640 Or you know what, I can't give you my full focus for even 10 minutes. 1179 01:04:17,900 --> 01:04:22,480 So let's schedule this for when I can. I think it is highly unfair of somebody. 1180 01:04:22,580 --> 01:04:25,320 And I know that shit happens and when we're sexting and like, 1181 01:04:25,530 --> 01:04:30,120 weird shit happens, but this guy in 24 hours has a history of being shitty. 1182 01:04:30,340 --> 01:04:32,120 So he does not get the benefit of my doubt. 1183 01:04:32,420 --> 01:04:34,920 He absolutely is fucked up for this . 1184 01:04:35,000 --> 01:04:38,920 I don't like him throw the whole fucker out. Mm-hmm. . But, 1185 01:04:38,980 --> 01:04:43,080 so he's off living his life and playing it, being a dom. 1186 01:04:43,690 --> 01:04:45,640 She's trying to be a good submissive. 1187 01:04:45,760 --> 01:04:48,520 'cause she thinks she's made this connection with somebody. Yeah. 1188 01:04:48,520 --> 01:04:51,920 Feeling like shit. Possibly a drop, certainly like mm-hmm. , 1189 01:04:52,360 --> 01:04:53,360 I don't know anything about her. 1190 01:04:53,360 --> 01:04:56,560 But are you triggered by the fact that you were literally ignored for any amount 1191 01:04:56,560 --> 01:05:00,960 of time? Like, come on, let's be real here. Right. And then we're in mid scene. 1192 01:05:01,020 --> 01:05:03,000 So let, let's paint this picture. 1193 01:05:03,020 --> 01:05:04,520 If you've never been on the other side of this, 1194 01:05:04,520 --> 01:05:07,440 this is a submissive been a scene. I'm waiting to be told what to do. 1195 01:05:07,860 --> 01:05:10,520 I'm doing the thing, doing the thing, doing the thing, asking a question, 1196 01:05:10,520 --> 01:05:11,720 waiting for command. Mm-hmm. . 1197 01:05:11,720 --> 01:05:16,400 And then I'm like left hanging for several minutes when you both know that's 1198 01:05:16,400 --> 01:05:18,160 what you're doing and you're both in on that. 1199 01:05:18,180 --> 01:05:22,280 And you understand that's a different thought process and dynamic than Yeah. 1200 01:05:22,560 --> 01:05:25,520 I think we're having this intense scene and I have to wait on you because that's 1201 01:05:25,520 --> 01:05:29,480 what we do here. And you leave me fucking hanging . 1202 01:05:30,790 --> 01:05:31,623 Yeah. 1203 01:05:31,950 --> 01:05:36,000 What? No, no, don't, don't like this motherfucker. Um, 1204 01:05:36,310 --> 01:05:41,040 this is one of those times he does not, I would say block, ghost, whatever. 1205 01:05:41,040 --> 01:05:41,440 Mm-hmm. 1206 01:05:41,440 --> 01:05:41,980 . 1207 01:05:41,980 --> 01:05:42,670 Mm-hmm. . 1208 01:05:42,670 --> 01:05:47,440 This is not a thing where this person maybe des air quote deserves 1209 01:05:47,620 --> 01:05:49,080 the, let me give you one less message, 1210 01:05:49,080 --> 01:05:52,080 lemme tell you how you're feeling because we've already got proof of within 25 1211 01:05:52,080 --> 01:05:55,000 hours of explaining how you feel and literally getting nothing for it. 1212 01:05:55,000 --> 01:05:59,800 This person is playing. Yeah. And that's okay to play at being a dom, 1213 01:05:59,800 --> 01:06:01,120 but fucking be honest about it. 1214 01:06:01,180 --> 01:06:03,160 Here's what I'm gonna say too. You know, in, 1215 01:06:03,180 --> 01:06:08,040 in one point she talks about how she was expressing frustration about a 1216 01:06:08,040 --> 01:06:11,440 vanilla life and, and getting in trouble for things they couldn't control. 1217 01:06:12,260 --> 01:06:14,000 You know? And, and. 1218 01:06:16,100 --> 01:06:16,320 And. 1219 01:06:16,320 --> 01:06:20,320 Yeah. You know, try to avoid making mistakes in the future. What the. 1220 01:06:20,320 --> 01:06:22,320 Fuck that is like platitude that is. 1221 01:06:22,510 --> 01:06:24,200 Meaningless. Right. It's, it's, 1222 01:06:28,140 --> 01:06:31,520 and you know, to, to kind of put this and, 1223 01:06:31,580 --> 01:06:35,800 and she is looking as, 1224 01:06:35,940 --> 01:06:40,520 as her subside for someone, excuse me, 1225 01:06:40,520 --> 01:06:41,640 hang on a second. Yeah. 1226 01:06:41,640 --> 01:06:42,473 Take a sip of water. 1227 01:06:43,300 --> 01:06:47,640 Little a climp there. And you know, rightfully so. 1228 01:06:47,700 --> 01:06:50,840 If this is what she wants, she is looking for someone, 1229 01:06:52,420 --> 01:06:56,040 you know, maybe just to, to play with, but. 1230 01:06:56,420 --> 01:06:57,253 To be invested. 1231 01:06:57,340 --> 01:06:58,680 But to be invested. Right. 1232 01:06:58,680 --> 01:06:59,120 And this person. 1233 01:06:59,120 --> 01:07:00,800 Is not, and, and he is not. 1234 01:07:01,060 --> 01:07:01,893 No. But is, 1235 01:07:02,220 --> 01:07:06,520 is trying to wrap up his shit in a pretty bow like he is Yeah. 1236 01:07:06,630 --> 01:07:09,480 He's saying some of the right things, but a lot of the wrong things. 1237 01:07:09,870 --> 01:07:12,920 He's not actually following through or following up. Following. 1238 01:07:12,920 --> 01:07:13,080 Through. 1239 01:07:13,080 --> 01:07:16,400 Right. Right. Like, he's giving platitudes that are actually meaningless. 1240 01:07:16,400 --> 01:07:17,680 Like if you step back and go mm-hmm. , 1241 01:07:17,680 --> 01:07:19,400 what does that even fucking mean? Right. It means nothing. 1242 01:07:19,640 --> 01:07:21,600 'cause he doesn't know what to say. And, and instead of going, 1243 01:07:21,640 --> 01:07:24,040 I don't know what to say, God, that really sucks. I don't know how to help you. 1244 01:07:24,430 --> 01:07:29,160 He's like, let me sound ly in kind of that like bullshit way of, 1245 01:07:29,160 --> 01:07:33,120 I've just strung together a word salad and it is meaningless. Yeah. 1246 01:07:34,180 --> 01:07:39,000 Um, and because she's having this connection for what might be the first, 1247 01:07:39,060 --> 01:07:42,200 the, it sounds like the absolute first time for her it's intense. 1248 01:07:42,500 --> 01:07:45,720 I'm not saying full blown sub frenzy because for her to be able to step back and 1249 01:07:45,720 --> 01:07:48,800 go, wait, I feel shitty and this is, this is shitty. Right? Yeah. Like, 1250 01:07:48,880 --> 01:07:52,600 I feel like you're not fully in the frenzy. Or maybe could had he, 1251 01:07:52,600 --> 01:07:55,080 thankfully he didn't, had he strung her along a little bit more, 1252 01:07:55,240 --> 01:07:57,520 I think she probably would've fallen right into it. Yeah. 1253 01:07:57,540 --> 01:08:00,720 And then it would be harder to see mm-hmm. , Hey wait, is this, 1254 01:08:00,900 --> 01:08:03,040 is this right wrong? What's happening here? Like, 1255 01:08:03,040 --> 01:08:05,040 she seems to be very well aware of mm-hmm. , 1256 01:08:05,040 --> 01:08:07,240 this is making me feel bad and hey look, 1257 01:08:07,400 --> 01:08:10,000 I can now juxtapose this with a situation where, yeah, 1258 01:08:10,080 --> 01:08:11,840 I was the dom in the situation I to, 1259 01:08:12,060 --> 01:08:14,680 but it was really good and I had a really good connect. Yes. 1260 01:08:14,680 --> 01:08:19,160 And here's what I fucking did for my air quote sub who I was playing with 1261 01:08:19,160 --> 01:08:21,960 online. Right. That she did not get in mm-hmm. . 1262 01:08:22,020 --> 01:08:25,280 So she has an understanding of it on some level. Sure. Um, 1263 01:08:25,510 --> 01:08:27,960 therefore I would hope she'd go, wait, I didn't get this. 1264 01:08:28,640 --> 01:08:30,920 I gave this to a person 'cause this is what feels right, what I know is right. 1265 01:08:31,200 --> 01:08:33,200 Whatever, whatever. But I didn't get that. 1266 01:08:34,040 --> 01:08:34,550 Courtesy because. 1267 01:08:34,550 --> 01:08:35,120 This dumb. 1268 01:08:35,120 --> 01:08:39,520 Motherfucker, it comes down to you give what you would like to receive. Right. 1269 01:08:40,300 --> 01:08:43,160 And in all of her inexperience, and based on what she's doing, 1270 01:08:43,460 --> 01:08:45,320 she took care of that person who played with her. 1271 01:08:45,540 --> 01:08:48,720 And it is proof that you can play and it can be casual and it can be temporary 1272 01:08:48,740 --> 01:08:51,640 and fleeting because it's the internet and you can still. 1273 01:08:52,190 --> 01:08:54,640 Give a fuck, still have that compassion and empathy. Right. Right. 1274 01:08:54,780 --> 01:08:59,440 And still do the things that take care of the other person because you just did 1275 01:08:59,510 --> 01:09:02,080 this exciting but still vulnerable and intimate thing. 1276 01:09:02,300 --> 01:09:06,720 And so therefore aftercare and affirmations and communication, whatever this 1277 01:09:08,600 --> 01:09:09,760 I, okay. I'm gonna, 1278 01:09:09,820 --> 01:09:14,560 I'm gonna probably like piss somebody who's young off I give 1279 01:09:15,390 --> 01:09:20,280 side eye when I see the word experienced paired with somebody who's 1280 01:09:20,280 --> 01:09:22,520 only been legal for a couple of years. Yeah. 1281 01:09:22,700 --> 01:09:25,840 Can you gain a lot of experience from 18 to 23? Absolutely. 1282 01:09:25,840 --> 01:09:27,520 And I have seen people do it. Yeah. 1283 01:09:28,410 --> 01:09:31,600 Those people tend not to be the first one to tell you that they're experienced 1284 01:09:31,840 --> 01:09:34,040 mm-hmm. , they're not usually bragging on their experience. 1285 01:09:34,040 --> 01:09:35,160 Yeah. 'cause they'll be the first one to go. 1286 01:09:35,360 --> 01:09:40,040 I know I'm a 20 something in a community where most people are like 40 plus. 1287 01:09:40,440 --> 01:09:44,200 I don't feel experienced now, but I'm, here's seeing these actions, 1288 01:09:44,620 --> 01:09:46,560 seeing this behavior. Mm-hmm. , 1289 01:09:46,620 --> 01:09:51,320 I'm absolutely giving side eye to experienced air quote that very 1290 01:09:51,320 --> 01:09:55,520 heavily 23 year old dom. Yeah. Because now the fuck he's not, 1291 01:09:55,580 --> 01:09:57,440 he knows the language and he knows how to try. 1292 01:09:57,440 --> 01:10:00,080 To play and, and here, and here's what I'm, here's what I'm gonna tell you. 1293 01:10:00,990 --> 01:10:04,120 Okay. Yeah. I, I agree with you. Uh, you know, 1294 01:10:04,340 --> 01:10:08,360 as 23 to be for, for what that person is doing. 1295 01:10:09,070 --> 01:10:10,880 That person is not experienced. Not experienced. 1296 01:10:12,320 --> 01:10:16,920 I would say her at 18 more experienced is more experienced. And it. 1297 01:10:17,010 --> 01:10:18,760 Don't tell us how la la la we don't wanna know. That was, 1298 01:10:18,760 --> 01:10:20,320 that was before you were 18. We know. Yeah. . 1299 01:10:20,820 --> 01:10:25,720 And, and the, and that's the thing again, because regardless, 1300 01:10:25,900 --> 01:10:28,840 you know, the books, the, the, the content is the blog, 1301 01:10:28,840 --> 01:10:32,640 the content is out there. It's out there. Right. Okay. So, you know, 1302 01:10:32,950 --> 01:10:37,680 they have an ability to assimilate that. Right. 1303 01:10:38,290 --> 01:10:39,920 While they may not have the 1304 01:10:41,470 --> 01:10:44,600 real life practical experience. Right. 1305 01:10:45,280 --> 01:10:49,920 I I mean good for her too. You know, saying I'm a switch and, 1306 01:10:50,140 --> 01:10:54,520 and I know what kind of dom I want to be. Right. 1307 01:10:54,940 --> 01:10:56,440 Or I have an idea of what, you know. 1308 01:10:56,440 --> 01:10:56,740 So. 1309 01:10:56,740 --> 01:10:58,360 It feels like the right thing to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1310 01:10:58,360 --> 01:11:03,160 Yeah. So, you know, at 18 she has more experience than him. 1311 01:11:03,180 --> 01:11:03,420 But. 1312 01:11:03,420 --> 01:11:05,800 But you know what? She would never call herself experience. That's the thing. 1313 01:11:05,800 --> 01:11:09,440 Yeah. When I see a, quite frankly, and it's not always an age thing. 1314 01:11:09,440 --> 01:11:12,600 I've seen people who were 60 who have been in the lifestyle for five minutes, 1315 01:11:12,700 --> 01:11:14,720 who were shitty, who tried to say they were experienced mm-hmm. , 1316 01:11:14,720 --> 01:11:17,040 no, the fuck you're not, it's not really an age thing. 1317 01:11:17,340 --> 01:11:22,080 But when I see somebody who clearly has had to proclaim themselves 1318 01:11:22,110 --> 01:11:26,400 experienced Yeah. For her to go, he's an experienced dom. Right. 1319 01:11:27,940 --> 01:11:31,040 If you have to proclaim it, and that has to like, 1320 01:11:31,200 --> 01:11:35,480 that's like your selling points. Yeah. I'm, I'm gonna give you side eye. 1321 01:11:35,480 --> 01:11:38,600 And when you are in your early twenties and you have to proclaim it, 1322 01:11:39,060 --> 01:11:41,200 I'm gonna give you side eye because quite frankly, 1323 01:11:41,580 --> 01:11:43,960 the people with the most experience will be the will not be, 1324 01:11:43,960 --> 01:11:46,200 that's not what they lead with. They might say, well, 1325 01:11:46,200 --> 01:11:47,880 I've been in the lifestyle for 10 years, here's what I've learned. 1326 01:11:47,880 --> 01:11:50,640 But they'll also go, but I don't know everything. Right. Yeah. 1327 01:11:50,900 --> 01:11:53,320 And every young person in kink I've ever come across, 1328 01:11:53,320 --> 01:11:55,200 and that's not every young person obviously, 1329 01:11:55,200 --> 01:11:59,080 but everyone I've come across it almost like you have to tell them to own their 1330 01:11:59,080 --> 01:12:01,320 experience. Like, you've done this for five years. Yeah. You're experienced, 1331 01:12:01,320 --> 01:12:03,440 you're more experienced in this 40 year old over here. Right. 1332 01:12:04,380 --> 01:12:08,120 But when they like, mm. Yeah. 1333 01:12:08,740 --> 01:12:12,040 If we're self-describing that way, I'm probably gonna go, okay, 1334 01:12:12,040 --> 01:12:15,000 I'm gonna need you to prove that I'm, to be fair. Mm-hmm. , 1335 01:12:15,300 --> 01:12:18,680 I'm gonna be like that with anybody. Sure. Because the best, 1336 01:12:18,950 --> 01:12:23,320 most responsible sters I know only tell you how experienced they are. 1337 01:12:23,320 --> 01:12:26,000 When you ask them like, how long you been doing this? Then they, 1338 01:12:26,000 --> 01:12:28,920 that's not how they lead with. Yeah. Like, I know what I'm doing. 1339 01:12:28,990 --> 01:12:31,680 I've been this way the whole time. Like, fuck you. No, you haven't. Um, 1340 01:12:31,900 --> 01:12:35,840 but yeah. Yeah. In this situation, being able to know all of these details, 1341 01:12:36,060 --> 01:12:39,720 I'm the side eye to the experienced 23 year old. Yeah. Dom, 1342 01:12:39,720 --> 01:12:41,600 no the fuck you're not right. No the fuck you're not. Mm-hmm. . 1343 01:12:42,560 --> 01:12:46,400 I agree. No, I agree. You know, some of the right words, you know, 1344 01:12:46,400 --> 01:12:50,480 some of the techniques, but Yeah. You're making up rules are no, granted, 1345 01:12:50,480 --> 01:12:52,680 there's no age on that. I've seen, you know mm-hmm. , 1346 01:12:52,680 --> 01:12:54,720 older people do this when they're shitty. Right. 1347 01:12:54,720 --> 01:12:56,480 You're making up rules that have not been discussed. 1348 01:12:56,480 --> 01:12:59,440 You're not doing any aftercare. You're get barely communicating. 1349 01:12:59,700 --> 01:13:02,120 You've gone to ignoring it. Oh, now you've learned a lesson, 1350 01:13:02,140 --> 01:13:05,000 but you've not communicated about what that lesson was and how we learned it and 1351 01:13:05,000 --> 01:13:05,960 how did we get here. Mm-hmm. 1352 01:13:05,960 --> 01:13:08,960 You're not actually responding to the feelings of this other person, 1353 01:13:08,990 --> 01:13:11,680 even though you're trying to act like you've got this connection. 1354 01:13:11,680 --> 01:13:14,920 You're gonna be their dom. Well, guess what that comes with? 1355 01:13:15,140 --> 01:13:18,160 You have big feelings. We're gonna have to talk about this. Mm-hmm. Oh, 1356 01:13:18,240 --> 01:13:20,360 I just made sure you were okay. And I jumped right into a scene, 1357 01:13:20,360 --> 01:13:21,960 but I wasn't fully committed to that scene. 1358 01:13:21,980 --> 01:13:25,280 So I left you literally fucking hanging in the middle of a fucking scene for 1359 01:13:25,280 --> 01:13:28,720 several minutes at a time. No, no, no. 1360 01:13:29,970 --> 01:13:34,520 Throw the whole fucker out. . No, 1361 01:13:36,540 --> 01:13:40,120 no set. Okay. Anything else you would like to add? 1362 01:13:41,020 --> 01:13:45,440 You're afraid to Now it might start another, another ramp up for me. 1363 01:13:45,990 --> 01:13:49,440 Yeah. . Yeah. You know, it's always when I go, 1364 01:13:49,520 --> 01:13:51,960 I dunno if any of these will make me rant. There's always the one, 1365 01:13:51,960 --> 01:13:56,960 there's always one. Um, . Okay. So that is it for mm-hmm. 1366 01:13:57,000 --> 01:13:59,880 , our B D S M, uh, Reddit reactions. Uh, 1367 01:14:00,000 --> 01:14:03,680 I will link to the subreddits, uh, in the places. Um, 1368 01:14:03,920 --> 01:14:07,200 I might be careful with the YouTube linking 'cause they get weird sometimes. 1369 01:14:07,270 --> 01:14:11,600 Yeah. Um, I I'm begging you to use the B D S M. 1370 01:14:11,820 --> 01:14:13,520 Am I the asshole, uh, subreddit. 1371 01:14:13,520 --> 01:14:15,520 Not just because RA's our friend and we wanna support her, 1372 01:14:15,520 --> 01:14:17,960 but because I love answering those. Yeah. 1373 01:14:17,960 --> 01:14:21,120 Because those are sometimes like dilemmas of Oh, are you the asshole? 1374 01:14:21,240 --> 01:14:25,360 I don't actually know. Um, , those are fun. So we, we need more of this. 1375 01:14:25,620 --> 01:14:30,320 Um, but um, yeah, that's it for this. Mm-hmm. , 1376 01:14:30,380 --> 01:14:33,680 do we wanna do a very short bonus section? Yeah. There's not much. It's, 1377 01:14:33,890 --> 01:14:35,520 we're time traveling here. Mm-hmm. , 1378 01:14:35,540 --> 01:14:37,960 we just did an episode a couple days ago. Yeah. Not much to report, 1379 01:14:38,060 --> 01:14:41,240 but we will mm-hmm. . Um, so yeah, that's, 1380 01:14:41,240 --> 01:14:42,480 that's it for us this week. 1381 01:14:42,780 --> 01:14:44,000 So are we good? I dunno. 1382 01:14:44,200 --> 01:14:47,160 I dunno. Keep it kinky. 1383 01:14:47,900 --> 01:14:51,600 And in a weird way, we will kind of see you next week I think. 1384 01:15:01,340 --> 01:15:02,440 Can I talk with the crickets daddy? 1385 01:15:03,940 --> 01:15:04,490 Yes. 1386 01:15:04,490 --> 01:15:05,323 Thank you Daddy. 1387 01:15:06,860 --> 01:15:07,800 You go ahead and talk. Oh. 1388 01:15:07,800 --> 01:15:09,560 Shit. I'll be right back. Shit. I was gonna say, I got nothing. , 1389 01:15:10,140 --> 01:15:13,160 you better have something because you're walking away from the microphone. 1390 01:15:13,340 --> 01:15:18,080 You always had something. Eh, I'm burning up hot in this room, Lord. Okay. 1391 01:15:18,220 --> 01:15:20,880 So the day you, the first possible moment, 1392 01:15:20,900 --> 01:15:24,360 you can see this JB is still out of town. Um, 1393 01:15:27,100 --> 01:15:30,280 he, by the time this episode goes live, he'll be back, uh, 1394 01:15:30,280 --> 01:15:33,720 three or four days from now. I don't know if we're live streaming that week. We, 1395 01:15:33,720 --> 01:15:38,040 we talked about that before. Um, he's in New York dealing with family stuff. 1396 01:15:38,660 --> 01:15:43,560 Um, and according to the weather forecast as of the day we're 1397 01:15:43,630 --> 01:15:47,680 recording, which is Sunday, July 30th, um, 1398 01:15:48,680 --> 01:15:51,080 supposedly he's having better weather than Florida is, 1399 01:15:51,260 --> 01:15:54,680 but I don't actually know 'cause we're time traveling. Um, today. 1400 01:15:54,680 --> 01:15:57,040 What are we doing today? Sunday? Uh, 1401 01:15:57,700 --> 01:16:02,560 you're smoking ribs on our grill and I'm making potato salad 1402 01:16:02,700 --> 01:16:06,600 and macaroni and cheese and the 13 year old is eating a completely different 1403 01:16:06,600 --> 01:16:09,240 meal from us. 'cause he does not eat any of those things. That's. 1404 01:16:09,240 --> 01:16:10,840 What I just went to check on to make sure they were. 1405 01:16:10,860 --> 01:16:14,360 Uh, but we found ribs, baby, back, ribs for a really good price at Aldi. 1406 01:16:14,360 --> 01:16:15,060 And we went Yeah. 1407 01:16:15,060 --> 01:16:17,720 That's cheaper than like another cut of meat we would get for a different kind 1408 01:16:17,720 --> 01:16:19,560 of meal. Right. So we're, let's do this. 1409 01:16:19,690 --> 01:16:20,560 Going with it. Yep. 1410 01:16:20,900 --> 01:16:23,040 And so that's what we get today. Mm-hmm. , um, 1411 01:16:23,450 --> 01:16:27,320 we've been recording today for, for Patreon stuff. Um, 1412 01:16:28,570 --> 01:16:32,080 we've gotta film a spicy scene first thing Monday morning, 1413 01:16:32,210 --> 01:16:35,920 which is not our usual record day. We missed last week's record date. Right. Um, 1414 01:16:36,970 --> 01:16:39,600 which I hate to do, but it happened. And so now we're. 1415 01:16:39,980 --> 01:16:44,760 It, you know, it it has been hectic at the time you hear all this. 1416 01:16:45,600 --> 01:16:49,080 I will be in New York. I told them that already. You know, and, um, 1417 01:16:50,410 --> 01:16:54,360 everything leading up to this has been preparing for me to go on that trip. 1418 01:16:54,530 --> 01:16:59,280 Right. I, I, you know, we've been trying to record do as much ahead as, 1419 01:16:59,380 --> 01:17:01,800 as we can mm-hmm. , um, you know, 1420 01:17:02,040 --> 01:17:06,160 I have been working in, in the shop, uh, 1421 01:17:06,350 --> 01:17:09,720 very pleased and happy with all the um, uh, 1422 01:17:09,720 --> 01:17:13,160 custom orders that have received. Yes. Um, you know, 1423 01:17:13,180 --> 01:17:18,120 I'm trying to wrap them up before I leave. Um, you know, 1424 01:17:18,150 --> 01:17:20,720 plus everything else. Uh, yesterday I was hanging a, 1425 01:17:21,160 --> 01:17:22,320 a light in the laundry room. 1426 01:17:22,590 --> 01:17:25,720 Yeah. That light has been dying on us since we moved in. Right. 1427 01:17:25,780 --> 01:17:27,160 We just let it finally die. 1428 01:17:27,530 --> 01:17:28,340 Diets last. 1429 01:17:28,340 --> 01:17:30,080 And then we thought casting breath we could, 1430 01:17:30,440 --> 01:17:33,400 'cause we found a thing we could switch out the fluorescent lights for LEDs, 1431 01:17:33,460 --> 01:17:34,400 but then the wiring was. 1432 01:17:34,570 --> 01:17:36,000 Using the same fixtures and wasn't. 1433 01:17:36,000 --> 01:17:36,660 Gonna work and. 1434 01:17:36,660 --> 01:17:39,640 And, and I could not get the wiring to work. Right. And, and I was just. 1435 01:17:39,640 --> 01:17:42,000 Like, and then we made another trip to Lowe's. Yeah. . 1436 01:17:42,500 --> 01:17:45,240 So it was one of those projects mm-hmm. . Um, but you know what, 1437 01:17:45,320 --> 01:17:49,040 I had gotten so used to not being able to turn the laundry light on and using 1438 01:17:49,040 --> 01:17:52,640 like one of your It was Ryobi lamps. Yeah. Yeah. 1439 01:17:52,960 --> 01:17:55,920 have light in there that when I went into the laundry room, 1440 01:17:55,920 --> 01:17:58,480 this room this morning, I was like, oh, that's right. I can turn the light on. 1441 01:17:58,720 --> 01:18:02,200 , right? Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. You can use the switch again on the wall. 1442 01:18:02,640 --> 01:18:03,473 . 1443 01:18:04,540 --> 01:18:08,040 Um, today being Sunday and we, when we can, 1444 01:18:08,040 --> 01:18:11,000 we try to sleep in a little bit on the weekends. Yeah. Um, 1445 01:18:11,720 --> 01:18:14,280 Saturday we couldn't mm-hmm. , the 13 year old had, uh, 1446 01:18:14,440 --> 01:18:17,880 a haircut scheduled for eight o'clock in the morning. He picked the time. 1447 01:18:17,880 --> 01:18:19,680 And this is another child that likes to wake up that early, 1448 01:18:19,820 --> 01:18:22,600 but I think I know what he did. He picked a time when nobody would be there. 1449 01:18:22,840 --> 01:18:23,760 Right. When was smart kid. 1450 01:18:23,810 --> 01:18:27,680 Right. Um, and then he came home and I was like, did you get your hair cut? 1451 01:18:27,740 --> 01:18:31,240 He got such a small trim that I could barely tell a difference. 1452 01:18:31,440 --> 01:18:32,020 I know. 1453 01:18:32,020 --> 01:18:33,920 But he's, Hey, he's happy with it. It's fine. 1454 01:18:34,100 --> 01:18:36,040 And it still cost as much as a whole, I know. 1455 01:18:36,230 --> 01:18:39,320 They take off a millimeter of hair here, $20. Mm-hmm. . Um, 1456 01:18:39,500 --> 01:18:42,240 but you know what? He's prepped for school. Yeah. Um, 1457 01:18:42,860 --> 01:18:44,160 but we had to get up early for that. 1458 01:18:44,160 --> 01:18:47,640 So our day started really early and then today we actually got to sleep in. 1459 01:18:47,940 --> 01:18:48,800 Yes. It was nice. 1460 01:18:49,120 --> 01:18:52,120 I know it was weird. Um, because you were up at eight. 1461 01:18:52,260 --> 01:18:56,640 That's crazy late for us. Yeah. I woke up. Thank you. Hot flash. 1462 01:18:57,100 --> 01:19:01,640 Uh, and then doze back off and then it was nine 15 when I opened my eyes again. 1463 01:19:02,100 --> 01:19:02,933 Um. 1464 01:19:03,120 --> 01:19:05,720 I probably would've stayed in bed a little bit longer if it wasn't for the fur 1465 01:19:05,720 --> 01:19:06,100 baby. 1466 01:19:06,100 --> 01:19:09,280 You know, it's funny, when I woke up around the time you woke up, 1467 01:19:09,360 --> 01:19:11,880 I thought I was awake before you got outta bed. And I thought, man, 1468 01:19:11,960 --> 01:19:15,200 I should get up and let you sleep and I can feed the fur babies. Well then I, 1469 01:19:15,400 --> 01:19:17,400 I really don't wanna get up now. . Right. 1470 01:19:17,680 --> 01:19:17,900 . 1471 01:19:17,900 --> 01:19:20,280 And then the hot flash hit and you got up and I was like, 1472 01:19:20,600 --> 01:19:24,600 I just wanna lay here under the fan 'cause I'm so hot right now. Uh, 1473 01:19:24,620 --> 01:19:29,560 and that's when I dozed back off. Um, and then to, and somehow yesterday was 1474 01:19:31,070 --> 01:19:33,800 busy ish haircut appointment. Mm-hmm. light fixture. 1475 01:19:34,220 --> 01:19:38,320 But today is the busiest. So 'cause we're recording left, right, and center. 1476 01:19:38,320 --> 01:19:42,840 Yeah. Um, so yeah, it's just not a typical weekend, 1477 01:19:42,860 --> 01:19:45,560 but it's all in like the, we gotta get things done. Mm-hmm. , 1478 01:19:45,940 --> 01:19:49,760 I'm trying to get the youngest prepared for school. Well, 1479 01:19:49,830 --> 01:19:52,440 well ahead of the first day of school. Right. 'cause the closer you get to that, 1480 01:19:52,460 --> 01:19:55,120 the worst every store on creation is. 1481 01:19:55,820 --> 01:20:00,520 And then I get the luxury of a little bit of time. The oldest is, 1482 01:20:01,130 --> 01:20:05,080 first day of school is August 10th for us. Uh, and as a reminder, 1483 01:20:05,190 --> 01:20:08,680 it's because we get out at the end of May, uh, , that's how, 1484 01:20:08,940 --> 01:20:11,760 that's why we start early. 'cause we get, get done early. Um, 1485 01:20:12,620 --> 01:20:15,640 he doesn't have to be in his new apartment until the 16th. 1486 01:20:15,660 --> 01:20:17,880 So there's like a five day gap Right. 1487 01:20:17,970 --> 01:20:22,320 Where people won't be necessarily scrambling for school stuff. Then I'm like, 1488 01:20:22,320 --> 01:20:23,120 okay, you meet, 1489 01:20:23,120 --> 01:20:26,440 we're going to Walmart now in the middle of the day while everybody's in school. 1490 01:20:26,460 --> 01:20:30,080 Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . So yeah, 1491 01:20:30,280 --> 01:20:34,840 I get to do that like in stages with him. But he, hi, the 18 year old's last, 1492 01:20:35,020 --> 01:20:39,600 uh, day at his job is I think August 5th, which gives him about 10, 1493 01:20:39,600 --> 01:20:40,640 11 days before he moves. 1494 01:20:40,660 --> 01:20:42,680 And he wanted that time to like just not have to do much. 1495 01:20:42,870 --> 01:20:45,320 He's got plans to do other stuff, blah, blah, blah. Mm-hmm. . 1496 01:20:45,320 --> 01:20:48,160 So I still have to corral him like, where are you going? Okay. 1497 01:20:48,160 --> 01:20:49,440 But we still need to go to Walmart. What are you. 1498 01:20:49,440 --> 01:20:50,840 Doing? I mean, rightfully so, you know, he, 1499 01:20:50,840 --> 01:20:53,080 he wants to spend some time with friends and Right. 1500 01:20:53,190 --> 01:20:56,040 He's planning on getting a tattoo and the, the thing I've told him, 1501 01:20:56,230 --> 01:20:59,680 he's been telling me he was wanted a tattoo since he was, I don't know, 1502 01:20:59,860 --> 01:21:02,760 11 or 12. Yeah. Like young. And I went, oh, I, 1503 01:21:02,880 --> 01:21:05,920 I never was never gonna be that parent who like freaked out or whatever. 1504 01:21:06,120 --> 01:21:09,440 I was like, you gotta be 18. You gotta be 18. And I think I said, 1505 01:21:09,440 --> 01:21:11,680 you gotta pay for it. Um, and he, 1506 01:21:11,870 --> 01:21:13,600 he's been saving his money for all kinds of things, 1507 01:21:13,660 --> 01:21:16,480 but one of those things is a tattoo. Yeah. And so then I was like, let me, 1508 01:21:16,480 --> 01:21:19,280 let me give you some advice. You know, look at, see who's online, 1509 01:21:19,870 --> 01:21:24,080 find the art styles that you like. Um, also, here's our air quote, 1510 01:21:24,110 --> 01:21:28,240 this word heavily touristy area of where we live. Those places are good, 1511 01:21:28,240 --> 01:21:29,400 but they're expensive. Yeah. 1512 01:21:29,400 --> 01:21:33,200 So maybe look on the outskirts of town at good places. Like, you know. 1513 01:21:33,750 --> 01:21:36,240 Yeah. I, I remember once years ago, I, 1514 01:21:36,600 --> 01:21:41,040 I looked at a tattoo place in the mall mm-hmm. and uh, 1515 01:21:43,650 --> 01:21:45,760 their prices shock the shit outta me. 1516 01:21:46,150 --> 01:21:50,480 Yeah. I mean we're an, we're old people so tattoo prices have gone up Yeah. 1517 01:21:50,510 --> 01:21:51,720 Over time. Mm-hmm. . 1518 01:21:51,900 --> 01:21:55,760 But there is absolutely a difference between your tourist area versus your not 1519 01:21:55,760 --> 01:22:00,200 tourist area. 'cause my last tattoo that I got when I turned I guess 32, 1520 01:22:00,500 --> 01:22:05,440 it is a very small one. It's solid black. Um, took 15, 1521 01:22:05,440 --> 01:22:07,000 20 minutes. Um, 1522 01:22:07,400 --> 01:22:11,720 I found out later that what I paid was easily 25% more than I would've paid if 1523 01:22:11,740 --> 01:22:15,280 I'd gone to a couple other places that were not in our tourist C-section. Yeah. 1524 01:22:15,280 --> 01:22:17,320 And I was like, ah, okay. 1525 01:22:17,640 --> 01:22:22,520 I also got a very bo seemingly bored tattoo artist who was like, oh, okay. 1526 01:22:22,940 --> 01:22:27,600 Uh, . So I was like, it was good for me to do, 1527 01:22:27,660 --> 01:22:31,600 I'm glad I did it, but it was not like this experience. Yeah. Yeah. 'cause yeah, 1528 01:22:31,600 --> 01:22:33,960 he, I don't know what he would rather have been doing, 1529 01:22:34,100 --> 01:22:37,640 but something other than that. Um, but yeah, 1530 01:22:37,640 --> 01:22:40,240 so we've had these conversations about, you know mm-hmm. , 1531 01:22:40,990 --> 01:22:45,200 like here's the part of town where it will absolutely be more expensive because 1532 01:22:45,870 --> 01:22:48,560 they know they're also catering to tourists. Um, 1533 01:22:49,020 --> 01:22:52,480 but if you like that person's art, then cool. Go. Yeah. Work with them. 1534 01:22:52,540 --> 01:22:55,720 But just know you might be charged a premium. Um, 1535 01:22:56,820 --> 01:23:01,440 and I don't have opinions on people charging more or less in 1536 01:23:01,720 --> 01:23:03,880 whatever way. 'cause you know, your prices are your prices, 1537 01:23:04,100 --> 01:23:08,840 but as a consumer and he's got a finite amount of money, it's like, 1538 01:23:08,910 --> 01:23:13,560 okay, spend wisely. Um, yeah. So he's got plans, 1539 01:23:14,060 --> 01:23:17,640 but we, and I know what he's gonna do. I'm gonna be like, okay, 1540 01:23:17,640 --> 01:23:20,120 let's start getting you packed up. Here's some boxes. And he's gonna go, 1541 01:23:20,120 --> 01:23:24,520 you know what, I'll wait till what? Yeah. Five minutes before the, 1542 01:23:24,520 --> 01:23:29,040 you get the U-Haul because we're renting a U-Haul cargo trailer. Um, 1543 01:23:29,260 --> 01:23:31,320 and it'll be like a one way we'll drive it from here. 1544 01:23:31,320 --> 01:23:34,920 We drive the hour to where he's gonna live and then we'll drop it off there so 1545 01:23:34,920 --> 01:23:37,560 we don't have to drive it empty back home. Um, but I know him, 1546 01:23:37,630 --> 01:23:39,880 he's literally gonna wait until I'm standing at his bedroom door going, 1547 01:23:39,880 --> 01:23:43,080 we want to put things in the trailer now. And then he'll go, okay, 1548 01:23:43,080 --> 01:23:47,040 I'll put things in boxes and he's gonna make me wanna pinch his little head. Uh, 1549 01:23:47,360 --> 01:23:51,880 , uh, I, you know, it's funny on in some things, 1550 01:23:51,980 --> 01:23:54,040 I'm the exact same way. You have to, if you give me a deadline, 1551 01:23:54,120 --> 01:23:57,040 I will wait until like right before that deadline and I'll meet the deadline. 1552 01:23:57,040 --> 01:24:00,360 But I'm gonna wait. And in other things, I'm not like that. 1553 01:24:00,780 --> 01:24:03,240 I'm not like that with absolutely everything. Yeah. 'cause when we've, 1554 01:24:03,240 --> 01:24:05,360 every time I've moved and you and I have moved, 1555 01:24:05,500 --> 01:24:09,080 I'm packing up in stages way earlier. Yes. Like, 1556 01:24:09,140 --> 01:24:11,280 I'm like really methodical about. 1557 01:24:11,280 --> 01:24:14,240 That. All non-essentials get packed up ahead of time and. 1558 01:24:14,360 --> 01:24:17,880 I create a system and then we work and a process and we work the plan. Mm-hmm. 1559 01:24:17,920 --> 01:24:19,920 . Mm-hmm. , um, other things. I'm not like that. 1560 01:24:19,980 --> 01:24:21,440 I'm absolutely seat of my pants, 1561 01:24:21,620 --> 01:24:24,800 but I just know this is gonna be a seat of his pants. Oh yeah. 1562 01:24:25,040 --> 01:24:25,880 I can just feel it. 1563 01:24:25,880 --> 01:24:27,600 That's how he rolls, unfortunately. Yeah. 1564 01:24:27,600 --> 01:24:30,000 That's with everything. With everything. Yes. Um, 1565 01:24:30,620 --> 01:24:33,920 he has been cleaning out his room and getting rid of things. He, you know, 1566 01:24:33,920 --> 01:24:37,160 some things were just trash and needed to be trashed and some things he's like 1567 01:24:37,370 --> 01:24:39,280 given to his brother or said, Hey, 1568 01:24:39,280 --> 01:24:41,440 let's add this to the donate pile or whatever. Mm-hmm. 1569 01:24:41,480 --> 01:24:44,040 and you probably need to do that maybe one more time. 1570 01:24:44,400 --> 01:24:47,680 'cause don't move with one iota. More of what you need. 1571 01:24:47,680 --> 01:24:48,390 Than what you need. 1572 01:24:48,390 --> 01:24:49,400 Just don't do it. Right. 1573 01:24:49,630 --> 01:24:51,840 He's on the second floor and I don't think there's an elevator, 1574 01:24:51,860 --> 01:24:54,720 so I'm gonna remind him, be careful of what you wanna bring. 1575 01:24:55,160 --> 01:24:56,000 'cause we gotta get it. 1576 01:24:56,240 --> 01:24:59,560 Upstairs and then when you leave, it's gotta come downstairs. Right. 1577 01:24:59,860 --> 01:25:03,200 I'm one, I'm thinking he's gonna, if he likes it there, he'll just renew that. 1578 01:25:03,200 --> 01:25:03,920 Please. 1579 01:25:03,920 --> 01:25:04,080 Probably. 1580 01:25:04,080 --> 01:25:06,840 Yeah. And you know, he's, we already know he is not gonna be home in summers. 1581 01:25:06,940 --> 01:25:10,160 I'm, you know, I'm already thinking about upcoming holidays. Are you? Mm-hmm. 1582 01:25:10,200 --> 01:25:12,480 gonna wanna come home for a couple of days. What do you wanna do? 1583 01:25:12,550 --> 01:25:16,760 Blah, blah blah. Yeah. Um, all that's like well into the future, 1584 01:25:16,900 --> 01:25:20,400 but of course I'm thinking about it now. . Have y'all met me? Um, 1585 01:25:21,060 --> 01:25:22,360 Lola's good. Um mm-hmm. , 1586 01:25:23,300 --> 01:25:27,600 we recorded our exclusive video for patrons and the YouTube membership members 1587 01:25:27,860 --> 01:25:29,720 and she snored through the whole fucking thing. 1588 01:25:30,160 --> 01:25:34,920 I don't know if the mic picked it up, but she did. She snored the whole time. 1589 01:25:35,410 --> 01:25:38,120 She's sleeping now. I see Onyx, um, 1590 01:25:38,180 --> 01:25:40,920 by the window here in our office also on one of the, 1591 01:25:41,100 --> 01:25:45,480 the shelves staring out the window. Ah. And no, 1592 01:25:45,690 --> 01:25:46,720 she's cleaning herself. That's what. 1593 01:25:46,810 --> 01:25:47,643 She's doing. 1594 01:25:47,740 --> 01:25:52,280 Um, Ella has not cried. Mm-hmm. . I bet she's with a 13 year old. 1595 01:25:52,560 --> 01:25:55,600 Probably he woke up when we started recording and she's probably sitting with 1596 01:25:55,600 --> 01:25:57,920 him and that's the only reason we don't hear her crying. Mm-hmm. . 1597 01:25:58,540 --> 01:26:02,200 So the fur babies are good. Yeah. Um, it's hot as. 1598 01:26:02,540 --> 01:26:06,120 It is. Fucking hell in here right now. I just, I just look 'cause I was curious. 1599 01:26:06,540 --> 01:26:08,240 Um, we're in the low nineties. 1600 01:26:08,620 --> 01:26:12,840 What's our heat index tap with the heat index of 107? Yeah. 1601 01:26:13,960 --> 01:26:16,720 I remember when your heat index used to be like four or five degrees above your 1602 01:26:16,780 --> 01:26:17,260 actual. 1603 01:26:17,260 --> 01:26:18,480 No. Yeah. No, no. 1604 01:26:18,510 --> 01:26:22,320 More than 10 usually. Yeah. Um, so that's us. Yeah. 1605 01:26:22,560 --> 01:26:26,640 I don't know what we'll have for our next bonus section by the time we either go 1606 01:26:26,640 --> 01:26:31,120 live again and or do this or we upload mm-hmm. The podcast and a video, um, 1607 01:26:31,460 --> 01:26:35,080 you'll definitely be back. Right. And there might be more to report. Yep. Um, 1608 01:26:35,460 --> 01:26:39,520 but that's all we got for. Mm-hmm. Um, thanks for joining us. 1609 01:26:40,260 --> 01:26:43,200 Yep. Um, am I not coming up with an emoji of the week? You're damn straight. 1610 01:26:43,400 --> 01:26:46,880 'cause my brain's just, it's, it's melted from this heat. I don't, I don't know. 1611 01:26:47,160 --> 01:26:49,960 . Right. Send me any emoji. Send me your favorite emoji. There you go. 1612 01:26:49,970 --> 01:26:54,960 Emoji of the week, your favorite emoji. Um, and yeah, so that's us and mm-hmm. 1613 01:26:55,000 --> 01:26:58,480 and we'll be back for, from y'all's perspective in a week. Yeah. 1614 01:26:58,920 --> 01:27:01,720 I don't know what it'll be from our perspective. time travel is weird. 1615 01:27:01,820 --> 01:27:02,880 Mm-hmm. . Okay. 1616 01:27:03,220 --> 01:27:04,053 All right. Bye. 1617 01:27:04,060 --> 01:27:04,280 Bye.