WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.240 --> 00:00:02.639 - So I remember being a young bishop, and 2 00:00:02.639 --> 00:00:04.960 - somebody would come in and share their struggle 3 00:00:04.960 --> 00:00:07.200 - with pornography. Right? It was almost I couldn't 4 00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:09.679 - even relate. I couldn't connect. And, you know, 5 00:00:09.679 --> 00:00:12.339 - here they are just continuing to relapse and 6 00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:14.240 - do this sin over and over and over 7 00:00:14.240 --> 00:00:16.315 - again. I think, why don't they just do 8 00:00:16.315 --> 00:00:18.154 - what I do? Like, you know, I just 9 00:00:18.154 --> 00:00:19.355 - don't spend a lot of time on my 10 00:00:19.355 --> 00:00:21.454 - phone or, you know, I've got good hobbies 11 00:00:21.754 --> 00:00:23.914 - or I've got distractions in the right places, 12 00:00:23.914 --> 00:00:25.754 - and so I must have it figured out 13 00:00:25.754 --> 00:00:27.754 - because I don't struggle with pornography. So if 14 00:00:27.754 --> 00:00:29.535 - they just did what I did, 15 00:00:29.859 --> 00:00:32.260 - maybe they would not struggle with it. Right? 16 00:00:32.260 --> 00:00:35.000 - But this is such a naive approach to, 17 00:00:35.539 --> 00:00:38.200 - just this really complex human experience. 18 00:00:38.899 --> 00:00:41.960 - So why do some individuals struggle with pornography 19 00:00:42.020 --> 00:00:44.200 - even to the level of an addiction 20 00:00:44.634 --> 00:00:45.934 - and others don't? 21 00:00:46.475 --> 00:00:48.814 - And how do we avoid the trap of 22 00:00:48.875 --> 00:00:51.934 - projecting our own experience onto others and assuming 23 00:00:51.994 --> 00:00:53.515 - if they just did what we did, then 24 00:00:53.515 --> 00:00:56.155 - they'd be fine? Right. Well, Matt Wenger, who, 25 00:00:56.394 --> 00:00:57.214 - is a 26 00:00:57.515 --> 00:00:58.015 - therapist 27 00:00:58.609 --> 00:01:02.450 - and does such an incredible job, primarily working 28 00:01:02.450 --> 00:01:04.469 - with men who struggle with pornography. 29 00:01:04.770 --> 00:01:06.790 - And he talks about this concept of trauma 30 00:01:07.409 --> 00:01:07.909 - being 31 00:01:08.450 --> 00:01:10.370 - at the root and the cause of why 32 00:01:10.370 --> 00:01:10.870 - people 33 00:01:11.275 --> 00:01:13.114 - become addicted and why they keep acting out 34 00:01:13.114 --> 00:01:16.234 - and and how to really begin to unwind 35 00:01:16.234 --> 00:01:18.155 - this or at least begin to understand it 36 00:01:18.155 --> 00:01:19.454 - so that we can untangle, 37 00:01:20.155 --> 00:01:22.394 - this this web of of complexity in the 38 00:01:22.394 --> 00:01:24.254 - human experience to get them past 39 00:01:24.709 --> 00:01:27.590 - the struggle with pornography. So I'll leave the 40 00:01:27.590 --> 00:01:30.390 - complex, discussion to him. So here's my, here's 41 00:01:30.390 --> 00:01:33.430 - a quick clip with Matt Winger about, this 42 00:01:33.430 --> 00:01:35.750 - concept of trauma as it as it is 43 00:01:35.750 --> 00:01:38.869 - manifested in the the struggle with pornography. And 44 00:01:38.869 --> 00:01:40.784 - make sure at the end of this, you 45 00:01:40.784 --> 00:01:42.564 - go register to hear the full 46 00:01:42.944 --> 00:01:45.584 - full presentation by Matt Wenger about this. It 47 00:01:45.584 --> 00:01:47.045 - is so good, so informative. 48 00:01:47.504 --> 00:01:48.004 - And, 49 00:01:48.625 --> 00:01:51.284 - yeah, go register at leadingsaints.org/liberating 50 00:01:51.825 --> 00:01:52.965 - to grab a free 51 00:01:53.510 --> 00:01:55.269 - to grab a free seat there. So we'll 52 00:01:55.269 --> 00:01:57.129 - see you there. We approach, 53 00:01:57.909 --> 00:02:00.469 - sexual addiction from the lens of trauma. We 54 00:02:00.469 --> 00:02:01.530 - believe that, 55 00:02:02.150 --> 00:02:04.569 - trauma is at the root of sexual addiction, 56 00:02:05.430 --> 00:02:06.890 - and that sexual addiction 57 00:02:07.270 --> 00:02:08.250 - and porn addiction 58 00:02:08.629 --> 00:02:09.129 - arise 59 00:02:09.724 --> 00:02:12.145 - as a way to regulate a dysregulated 60 00:02:12.604 --> 00:02:13.584 - nervous system. 61 00:02:13.965 --> 00:02:15.584 - Okay. What I mean by that is, 62 00:02:16.764 --> 00:02:19.965 - anything that overwhelms the brain or the body's 63 00:02:19.965 --> 00:02:22.544 - ability to process in the at the time 64 00:02:22.685 --> 00:02:24.544 - is what we would consider trauma. 65 00:02:25.169 --> 00:02:25.989 - And most 66 00:02:26.689 --> 00:02:27.909 - significant trauma 67 00:02:28.289 --> 00:02:30.389 - happens to us when we are least 68 00:02:31.090 --> 00:02:31.590 - resourced 69 00:02:32.049 --> 00:02:33.969 - to be able to deal with it, which 70 00:02:33.969 --> 00:02:36.870 - means when we're young. When we're kids, 71 00:02:37.294 --> 00:02:39.155 - you know, zero to 20 72 00:02:39.534 --> 00:02:40.275 - years old, 73 00:02:40.655 --> 00:02:42.814 - anything that we encounter that was bigger than 74 00:02:42.814 --> 00:02:45.375 - us, scarier than us, more painful than we 75 00:02:45.375 --> 00:02:46.114 - could handle, 76 00:02:46.414 --> 00:02:48.675 - overwhelming to our system and to our body, 77 00:02:49.055 --> 00:02:49.715 - that is 78 00:02:50.099 --> 00:02:52.419 - trauma. Okay? It's something that our body and 79 00:02:52.419 --> 00:02:54.259 - our brain is storing to try to deal 80 00:02:54.259 --> 00:02:56.180 - with later because we do not have the 81 00:02:56.180 --> 00:02:57.719 - resources to deal with it, 82 00:02:58.180 --> 00:02:59.080 - at the time. 83 00:02:59.699 --> 00:03:02.580 - And what happens in the nervous system is 84 00:03:02.580 --> 00:03:05.775 - anytime that anything reminds us of that trauma 85 00:03:05.834 --> 00:03:08.254 - or has some connection to it or some, 86 00:03:08.875 --> 00:03:11.754 - trigger around that experience, our body is gonna 87 00:03:11.754 --> 00:03:12.254 - react 88 00:03:12.634 --> 00:03:15.454 - as if we were in that traumatic experience 89 00:03:15.914 --> 00:03:18.780 - in real time. Our our body does not, 90 00:03:19.740 --> 00:03:21.819 - you know, one of my, teachers in this, 91 00:03:21.819 --> 00:03:23.020 - they used to say, you know, their brain 92 00:03:23.020 --> 00:03:24.000 - is kinda stupid. 93 00:03:24.300 --> 00:03:26.379 - You know, the it doesn't can't tell the 94 00:03:26.379 --> 00:03:28.620 - difference between the past and the present sometimes. 95 00:03:28.620 --> 00:03:31.020 - And so when I have the feeling as 96 00:03:31.020 --> 00:03:33.574 - if I am in the a situation that 97 00:03:33.574 --> 00:03:35.415 - feels similar to my trauma, I'm getting my 98 00:03:35.415 --> 00:03:37.655 - body and my emotions and my thoughts are 99 00:03:37.655 --> 00:03:39.735 - gonna react as if that trauma is happening 100 00:03:39.735 --> 00:03:41.435 - to me in real time. 101 00:03:41.735 --> 00:03:44.074 - So all that dysregulation in the body, 102 00:03:44.375 --> 00:03:46.135 - if we don't know how to approach it 103 00:03:46.135 --> 00:03:47.754 - and we don't have an attuned, 104 00:03:48.560 --> 00:03:50.560 - and present caregiver to help us work through 105 00:03:50.560 --> 00:03:53.060 - it as young people, we're likely to, 106 00:03:53.919 --> 00:03:54.740 - reach out, 107 00:03:55.759 --> 00:03:58.259 - for outside in coping, which can be, 108 00:03:59.599 --> 00:04:00.659 - you know, addictions 109 00:04:01.344 --> 00:04:04.305 - of all kinds of sorts and sizes and 110 00:04:04.305 --> 00:04:04.805 - types. 111 00:04:06.544 --> 00:04:08.784 - So most people that are stuck in a 112 00:04:08.784 --> 00:04:11.364 - porn and sex addiction aren't always being 113 00:04:11.905 --> 00:04:13.444 - triggered into their trauma 114 00:04:13.840 --> 00:04:15.519 - per se. There there's a lot of times 115 00:04:15.519 --> 00:04:17.519 - they're in the loop of acting out over 116 00:04:17.519 --> 00:04:19.120 - and over again, and the desire to do 117 00:04:19.120 --> 00:04:20.639 - so over and over again, that is self 118 00:04:20.639 --> 00:04:24.019 - reinforcing involving the dopamine system in our brains. 119 00:04:24.319 --> 00:04:26.879 - But if they're trying really hard and they're 120 00:04:26.879 --> 00:04:27.699 - getting help, 121 00:04:28.035 --> 00:04:30.915 - the reason that they can't establish long term 122 00:04:30.915 --> 00:04:33.555 - sobriety is because these trauma triggers and these 123 00:04:33.555 --> 00:04:35.395 - things within the body are kind of knocking 124 00:04:35.395 --> 00:04:38.194 - them off course after a couple weeks of 125 00:04:38.194 --> 00:04:38.694 - sobriety. 126 00:04:39.235 --> 00:04:41.639 - You know, it's these blind spots around our 127 00:04:41.879 --> 00:04:45.240 - our experiences as as young people. So when 128 00:04:45.240 --> 00:04:46.300 - we have an unregulated 129 00:04:46.680 --> 00:04:48.379 - nervous system as a young person 130 00:04:48.680 --> 00:04:51.240 - and we're exposed to traumatic events and we 131 00:04:51.240 --> 00:04:53.180 - don't have an attuned and attached 132 00:04:53.560 --> 00:04:55.020 - caregiver to help us, 133 00:04:56.175 --> 00:04:59.074 - that can leave, what we call an attachment 134 00:04:59.214 --> 00:05:02.175 - wound, where I have a need to reach 135 00:05:02.175 --> 00:05:04.894 - out to I have a need to connect 136 00:05:04.894 --> 00:05:06.035 - with an attuned 137 00:05:06.574 --> 00:05:08.274 - and present caregiver, but 138 00:05:08.620 --> 00:05:11.279 - they are not safe, consistent, or reliable 139 00:05:11.899 --> 00:05:13.839 - in their connection to me. 140 00:05:14.459 --> 00:05:16.699 - That's a that causes a break in the 141 00:05:16.699 --> 00:05:19.279 - bond between the child and the caregiver. 142 00:05:19.660 --> 00:05:20.160 - Okay? 143 00:05:20.564 --> 00:05:22.165 - So I reach out and I need them 144 00:05:22.165 --> 00:05:23.845 - to respond and they're not there for me 145 00:05:23.845 --> 00:05:26.245 - or they they get upset with me or 146 00:05:26.245 --> 00:05:27.685 - I reach out and I'm hurt or I 147 00:05:27.685 --> 00:05:29.444 - reach out and I'm ignored, I reach out 148 00:05:29.444 --> 00:05:31.605 - and I make fun of. And over time, 149 00:05:31.605 --> 00:05:33.764 - if these some these experience happen again and 150 00:05:33.764 --> 00:05:36.660 - again, that bond that should exist between a 151 00:05:36.660 --> 00:05:37.720 - child and a caregiver, 152 00:05:38.259 --> 00:05:41.300 - becomes very damaged or or broken altogether, and 153 00:05:41.300 --> 00:05:43.000 - we call that an attachment 154 00:05:43.379 --> 00:05:44.600 - wound. Okay? 155 00:05:45.379 --> 00:05:47.379 - Now we're gonna talk about two types of 156 00:05:47.379 --> 00:05:49.240 - attachment wounds that are most common, 157 00:05:50.194 --> 00:05:53.095 - and they involve the relationship with the caregiver. 158 00:05:53.634 --> 00:05:55.254 - But the trauma can happen 159 00:05:55.875 --> 00:05:59.154 - both in that relationship itself or outside of 160 00:05:59.154 --> 00:05:59.895 - that relationship. 161 00:06:00.915 --> 00:06:03.154 - Alright. That concludes the, of this clip with 162 00:06:03.154 --> 00:06:06.089 - Matt Wenger. Again, go grab the your free 163 00:06:06.089 --> 00:06:09.389 - registration at leadingsaints.org/liberating 164 00:06:09.689 --> 00:06:11.629 - to make sure you hear the full presentation 165 00:06:11.689 --> 00:06:14.569 - by Matt Wenger. This starts June 30, so 166 00:06:14.569 --> 00:06:15.469 - jump on it.