WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.520 - Hey, guys. As we build up to the 2 00:00:01.520 --> 00:00:04.080 - Liberating Saints virtual summit, I wanna make sure 3 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:06.480 - I jump on the podcast feed and give 4 00:00:06.480 --> 00:00:09.059 - you a little teaser of an upcoming presentation 5 00:00:09.679 --> 00:00:10.660 - in this remarkable, 6 00:00:11.519 --> 00:00:13.759 - virtual summit. Every time I do these and 7 00:00:13.759 --> 00:00:15.299 - record the sessions, 8 00:00:15.734 --> 00:00:18.135 - I just get so excited to share the 9 00:00:18.135 --> 00:00:20.614 - content, and it, pains me to kinda build 10 00:00:20.614 --> 00:00:22.375 - it all up and wait for a specific 11 00:00:22.375 --> 00:00:24.134 - day to to release it. But the good 12 00:00:24.134 --> 00:00:26.774 - news is is you can actually view all 13 00:00:26.774 --> 00:00:27.994 - of these, presentations 14 00:00:28.614 --> 00:00:29.994 - for free, no cost. 15 00:00:30.329 --> 00:00:32.989 - Just go to leadingsaints.org/liberating. 16 00:00:33.289 --> 00:00:34.729 - The links are in the show notes, and, 17 00:00:34.969 --> 00:00:37.049 - put your email in to register for this 18 00:00:37.049 --> 00:00:37.549 - virtual 19 00:00:37.929 --> 00:00:40.590 - summit for free, all about ministering to individuals 20 00:00:41.210 --> 00:00:43.869 - who are struggling with pornography. Now in this 21 00:00:44.015 --> 00:00:46.255 - this little clip we talk or it is 22 00:00:46.255 --> 00:00:48.734 - Sam Thielemans, who's a bishop down in Las 23 00:00:48.734 --> 00:00:50.995 - Vegas. He's also a marriage and family therapist. 24 00:00:51.295 --> 00:00:53.395 - Does remarkable work with, 25 00:00:53.855 --> 00:00:57.155 - helping individuals overcome pornography, and he really 26 00:00:57.870 --> 00:01:00.350 - understands the dynamic of shame and how to 27 00:01:00.350 --> 00:01:02.510 - overcome the shame. Sometimes we talk all about, 28 00:01:02.510 --> 00:01:02.670 - like, 29 00:01:03.469 --> 00:01:05.790 - don't shame them or avoid the shame, but 30 00:01:05.790 --> 00:01:08.689 - we've we often fail to give tactics or 31 00:01:08.989 --> 00:01:11.075 - approaches of how what does that look like? 32 00:01:11.075 --> 00:01:13.075 - How do I actually do that? So Sam 33 00:01:13.075 --> 00:01:14.295 - shares in this tactic 34 00:01:14.674 --> 00:01:17.075 - a specific way to do that and to 35 00:01:17.075 --> 00:01:18.135 - to to reframe, 36 00:01:19.155 --> 00:01:21.075 - actions and behaviors and, 37 00:01:21.795 --> 00:01:24.674 - especially unwanted actions or sin in a way 38 00:01:24.674 --> 00:01:25.174 - that 39 00:01:25.520 --> 00:01:26.900 - gives you a practical 40 00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:29.439 - response to it. So so let's jump into 41 00:01:29.439 --> 00:01:31.620 - it. Here's a quick clip from Sam Thielman's 42 00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:32.500 - presentation 43 00:01:32.799 --> 00:01:35.520 - in the Liberating Saints virtual summit. So your 44 00:01:35.520 --> 00:01:36.020 - decisions 45 00:01:37.040 --> 00:01:38.819 - are not who you are. 46 00:01:40.594 --> 00:01:41.334 - Your values 47 00:01:42.915 --> 00:01:44.694 - are a reflection of who you are, 48 00:01:45.234 --> 00:01:46.295 - and your actions 49 00:01:46.754 --> 00:01:48.534 - are a reflection of your skills. 50 00:01:49.555 --> 00:01:51.494 - That's the difference between the two things. 51 00:01:51.969 --> 00:01:53.650 - So your values are a reflection of who 52 00:01:53.650 --> 00:01:55.569 - you are, how you wanna be as a 53 00:01:55.569 --> 00:01:57.729 - person. And I'm talking like I'm not talking 54 00:01:57.729 --> 00:02:00.390 - like it's like the desire of our heart. 55 00:02:01.010 --> 00:02:02.629 - Our values, our desires, 56 00:02:02.930 --> 00:02:05.084 - that's a reflection of who we are. And 57 00:02:05.084 --> 00:02:06.844 - when I say desire, I'm not talking about, 58 00:02:06.844 --> 00:02:09.104 - like, natural man, like, oh, I desire to 59 00:02:09.485 --> 00:02:11.504 - indulge in whatever habit or 60 00:02:12.444 --> 00:02:14.764 - it's like truly the desire of your heart. 61 00:02:14.764 --> 00:02:16.064 - If you had no limitations, 62 00:02:16.444 --> 00:02:17.965 - how would you wanna show up as a 63 00:02:17.965 --> 00:02:18.465 - person? 64 00:02:18.950 --> 00:02:21.530 - Probably kind, compassionate, honest, 65 00:02:22.150 --> 00:02:24.790 - somebody who tries, like, all these positive things 66 00:02:24.790 --> 00:02:27.510 - that most people aspire to. If that's within 67 00:02:27.510 --> 00:02:29.290 - you, that it is you. 68 00:02:29.909 --> 00:02:31.450 - If the if those healthy, 69 00:02:31.995 --> 00:02:34.075 - productive, positive things are in you and you 70 00:02:34.075 --> 00:02:36.314 - aspire to that, that's a reflection of who 71 00:02:36.314 --> 00:02:36.974 - you are. 72 00:02:37.514 --> 00:02:40.075 - That's why people feel bad when they don't 73 00:02:40.075 --> 00:02:41.135 - live up to that. 74 00:02:42.314 --> 00:02:44.575 - Sometimes people think I made this bad choice 75 00:02:44.635 --> 00:02:47.215 - or I keep making the same bad choice. 76 00:02:47.729 --> 00:02:49.189 - It's a habit. It's an addiction. 77 00:02:49.650 --> 00:02:50.870 - This must be me. 78 00:02:51.650 --> 00:02:53.009 - Well, how do you feel when you do 79 00:02:53.009 --> 00:02:54.689 - it? Do you feel really happy about that 80 00:02:54.689 --> 00:02:57.330 - choice? Most people say no. Well, that tells 81 00:02:57.330 --> 00:02:58.549 - you that isn't you. 82 00:02:58.930 --> 00:03:00.915 - Because if you felt happy about it, then, 83 00:03:00.915 --> 00:03:02.594 - yeah, that would reflect the desire of your 84 00:03:02.594 --> 00:03:04.194 - heart. But the fact that you feel bad 85 00:03:04.194 --> 00:03:04.694 - means 86 00:03:05.155 --> 00:03:07.314 - that your action was out of of alignment 87 00:03:07.314 --> 00:03:08.215 - with who you are. 88 00:03:08.675 --> 00:03:10.135 - So I think it's so helpful 89 00:03:10.675 --> 00:03:12.194 - when working with members. In fact, I gave 90 00:03:12.194 --> 00:03:13.474 - a there was a workshop. They asked me 91 00:03:13.474 --> 00:03:15.094 - to do a workshop at our youth conference 92 00:03:15.155 --> 00:03:17.180 - two weeks ago, and I shared this message 93 00:03:17.180 --> 00:03:18.879 - with the the teens, with the youth. 94 00:03:19.340 --> 00:03:21.900 - It it was wild to me how many 95 00:03:21.900 --> 00:03:22.400 - people 96 00:03:23.180 --> 00:03:26.060 - said that this was, like, so influential to 97 00:03:26.060 --> 00:03:28.664 - them was understanding what we're talking about here. 98 00:03:29.305 --> 00:03:30.905 - So this is something that a leader can 99 00:03:30.905 --> 00:03:32.824 - share with somebody that they're working with to 100 00:03:32.824 --> 00:03:34.905 - help them understand that their decisions aren't a 101 00:03:34.905 --> 00:03:35.965 - reflection of them. 102 00:03:36.264 --> 00:03:38.824 - It's your desires. It's your values. And if 103 00:03:38.824 --> 00:03:41.224 - you don't act in alignment with those, it's 104 00:03:41.224 --> 00:03:42.604 - because you lack skills, 105 00:03:43.110 --> 00:03:44.969 - not because there's something wrong with you. 106 00:03:45.750 --> 00:03:47.030 - So I wanna fill this out a little 107 00:03:47.030 --> 00:03:49.189 - further. I like to use this, like, skill 108 00:03:49.189 --> 00:03:51.430 - gap framework whenever I work with people. It's 109 00:03:51.509 --> 00:03:53.189 - instead of asking, oh, I did it again. 110 00:03:53.189 --> 00:03:54.789 - What's wrong with me? Why can't I figure 111 00:03:54.789 --> 00:03:55.425 - this out? 112 00:03:56.224 --> 00:03:57.044 - You're asking, 113 00:03:57.344 --> 00:03:58.965 - what skill am I missing? 114 00:04:00.224 --> 00:04:01.764 - I just made this choice. 115 00:04:02.385 --> 00:04:04.165 - It's not really what I wanted to do 116 00:04:04.465 --> 00:04:05.284 - in my heart. 117 00:04:06.705 --> 00:04:07.205 - What 118 00:04:07.745 --> 00:04:10.305 - skill am I missing that led to that 119 00:04:10.305 --> 00:04:10.805 - decision? 120 00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:13.680 - Now when you think about it in those 121 00:04:13.680 --> 00:04:16.579 - terms, you're separate you're breaking out of shame. 122 00:04:16.879 --> 00:04:17.860 - You're externalizing 123 00:04:18.240 --> 00:04:20.319 - the problem. Instead of this the problem being 124 00:04:20.319 --> 00:04:23.379 - you, shame says it's you. You can externalize 125 00:04:23.600 --> 00:04:26.240 - the problem into the situation or the skill 126 00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:27.014 - that you lack. 127 00:04:27.814 --> 00:04:29.895 - So here's a couple of examples to this 128 00:04:29.895 --> 00:04:31.175 - or one or two. I can't remember how 129 00:04:31.175 --> 00:04:33.574 - many had written down here. First one, let's 130 00:04:33.574 --> 00:04:35.735 - say a man is struggling with pornography. Okay. 131 00:04:35.735 --> 00:04:37.995 - That's the situation. What's the root problem? 132 00:04:38.535 --> 00:04:40.955 - He is escaping from feelings of inadequacy. 133 00:04:41.699 --> 00:04:43.319 - Let's say that's the root of it. 134 00:04:44.019 --> 00:04:45.000 - Those unresolved 135 00:04:45.939 --> 00:04:48.419 - feelings of inadequacy, like we talked about, turn 136 00:04:48.419 --> 00:04:50.919 - into an urge, and then he struggles. 137 00:04:51.779 --> 00:04:53.699 - So what's the skill that he's missing? Well, 138 00:04:53.699 --> 00:04:55.959 - if the problem is feelings of inadequacy, 139 00:04:56.404 --> 00:04:57.944 - the skill that he doesn't have 140 00:04:58.564 --> 00:05:00.564 - or I guess it's not binary. It's, like, 141 00:05:00.564 --> 00:05:02.485 - on a continuum. But the skill he needs 142 00:05:02.485 --> 00:05:03.145 - to develop 143 00:05:03.685 --> 00:05:04.745 - is self compassion, 144 00:05:05.764 --> 00:05:08.884 - being vulnerable and connecting with somebody else, getting 145 00:05:08.884 --> 00:05:09.384 - support, 146 00:05:10.170 --> 00:05:12.490 - and number three, like a system to solve 147 00:05:12.490 --> 00:05:14.670 - problems. Let's say, again, the work example. 148 00:05:15.050 --> 00:05:17.370 - If he's falling behind at work, he may 149 00:05:17.370 --> 00:05:20.029 - need some skills to either, number one, 150 00:05:20.730 --> 00:05:23.050 - feel like there's more organization in his day 151 00:05:23.050 --> 00:05:25.050 - or how he's approaching it. He may need 152 00:05:25.050 --> 00:05:27.444 - more training. He's falling behind because he doesn't 153 00:05:27.444 --> 00:05:28.724 - know how to solve the problem at work. 154 00:05:28.724 --> 00:05:29.704 - He might need training. 155 00:05:30.564 --> 00:05:32.084 - His approach might be wrong. He might be 156 00:05:32.084 --> 00:05:34.485 - too distracted. There's lots of different reasons why 157 00:05:34.485 --> 00:05:36.024 - somebody falls behind at work. 158 00:05:36.805 --> 00:05:38.644 - So he may if he's feeling inadequate, it 159 00:05:38.644 --> 00:05:40.710 - has nothing to do with him. It has 160 00:05:40.710 --> 00:05:42.170 - everything to do with his system. 161 00:05:42.949 --> 00:05:45.990 - So that separation is so key because it 162 00:05:45.990 --> 00:05:47.589 - not only will help them feel better about 163 00:05:47.589 --> 00:05:49.509 - them. Number one, it's true. It's not about 164 00:05:49.509 --> 00:05:51.210 - you as a person in a good way. 165 00:05:51.589 --> 00:05:52.410 - Number two, 166 00:05:52.735 --> 00:05:54.035 - it can give you clarity 167 00:05:54.574 --> 00:05:56.415 - about what steps that you can take to 168 00:05:56.415 --> 00:05:58.735 - resolve the problem. And number three, you're able 169 00:05:58.735 --> 00:06:01.055 - to take action instead of just feeling bad 170 00:06:01.055 --> 00:06:02.735 - and not doing anything about it and then 171 00:06:02.735 --> 00:06:04.115 - repeating the same scenario. 172 00:06:04.589 --> 00:06:06.669 - So here's, the example. Let me share with 173 00:06:06.669 --> 00:06:07.490 - you one more. 174 00:06:08.269 --> 00:06:10.509 - Situation, a youth scrolls Instagram, and then it 175 00:06:10.509 --> 00:06:12.509 - leads to inappropriate images, and it happens at 176 00:06:12.509 --> 00:06:15.149 - night. We wanna analyze, k, what leads to 177 00:06:15.149 --> 00:06:15.649 - this. 178 00:06:16.029 --> 00:06:18.595 - Maybe it's just maybe he's not escaping. Maybe 179 00:06:18.595 --> 00:06:21.574 - it's just access to his phone without structure. 180 00:06:22.115 --> 00:06:23.634 - So this is, like, my thing. Right? It's 181 00:06:23.634 --> 00:06:25.095 - like if I'm scrolling the news, 182 00:06:25.475 --> 00:06:27.074 - for me, it's like wasted time. It's like, 183 00:06:27.074 --> 00:06:28.915 - I don't wanna waste twenty, thirty minutes. Like, 184 00:06:28.915 --> 00:06:29.370 - what? 185 00:06:29.850 --> 00:06:31.850 - It's 10:00. Let's go to bed. So for 186 00:06:31.850 --> 00:06:33.449 - me, it was I had access to my 187 00:06:33.449 --> 00:06:36.490 - phone, but my environment wasn't disciplined or structured 188 00:06:36.490 --> 00:06:36.990 - enough. 189 00:06:37.529 --> 00:06:39.209 - So the skill might just be I need 190 00:06:39.209 --> 00:06:40.509 - to discipline my environment. 191 00:06:40.970 --> 00:06:42.810 - I need to use my practice the skill 192 00:06:42.810 --> 00:06:44.189 - of using my phone intentionally, 193 00:06:45.345 --> 00:06:46.245 - because the phone is 194 00:06:46.545 --> 00:06:47.685 - an amazing tool. 195 00:06:49.105 --> 00:06:50.545 - We just need to use it with intention. 196 00:06:50.545 --> 00:06:53.185 - Number three, maybe having a clearer purpose for 197 00:06:53.185 --> 00:06:53.845 - your time. 198 00:06:54.625 --> 00:06:57.345 - Asking yourself what brings fulfillment. For me, I 199 00:06:57.345 --> 00:06:59.019 - like to learn. I like to read. And 200 00:06:59.019 --> 00:07:00.459 - so I've got my book there because that 201 00:07:00.459 --> 00:07:02.800 - aligns with how I wanna use my time. 202 00:07:03.259 --> 00:07:04.779 - So those are two examples of how you 203 00:07:04.779 --> 00:07:06.479 - can apply this idea 204 00:07:06.939 --> 00:07:09.419 - that it's if your actions are not in 205 00:07:09.419 --> 00:07:11.659 - alignment with your goals, it's because you lack 206 00:07:11.659 --> 00:07:12.319 - a skill. 207 00:07:12.805 --> 00:07:14.485 - It's not because you are a bad person. 208 00:07:14.485 --> 00:07:16.404 - It's not because you're a failure. And helping 209 00:07:16.404 --> 00:07:18.165 - the kids understand this a couple of weeks 210 00:07:18.165 --> 00:07:19.384 - ago, it was crazy. 211 00:07:19.925 --> 00:07:20.425 - Like, 212 00:07:20.884 --> 00:07:22.805 - in fact, there was a testimony meeting that 213 00:07:22.805 --> 00:07:24.819 - that took place the next day. And, like, 214 00:07:24.819 --> 00:07:26.660 - kid after kid after kid got up and 215 00:07:26.660 --> 00:07:28.900 - said, like, how much this made a difference 216 00:07:28.900 --> 00:07:29.400 - because 217 00:07:29.860 --> 00:07:31.319 - they identified themselves 218 00:07:31.620 --> 00:07:32.600 - with their mistake. 219 00:07:33.220 --> 00:07:35.139 - So it just may it just reinforced to 220 00:07:35.139 --> 00:07:38.279 - me how important this particular message message is 221 00:07:38.545 --> 00:07:40.384 - for people to understand that this has nothing 222 00:07:40.384 --> 00:07:41.285 - to do with you 223 00:07:41.585 --> 00:07:43.925 - in a good way. It's just your skills. 224 00:07:44.464 --> 00:07:46.145 - And when you frame it like that, you 225 00:07:46.145 --> 00:07:47.685 - can actually start to make progress. 226 00:07:48.225 --> 00:07:50.324 - Okay. One, yeah, but yeah. But 227 00:07:50.870 --> 00:07:52.389 - some people will come back and say, yeah. 228 00:07:52.389 --> 00:07:54.389 - But it is me. Alright, guys. There is 229 00:07:54.389 --> 00:07:54.889 - the 230 00:07:55.430 --> 00:07:57.529 - the clip. So so informative. 231 00:07:58.470 --> 00:08:00.149 - Really excited for you to see this whole 232 00:08:00.149 --> 00:08:02.730 - presentation. Go to leadingsaints.org/liberating. 233 00:08:03.029 --> 00:08:05.029 - The link's in the show notes, and, 234 00:08:05.644 --> 00:08:07.964 - and register and share this. Pass this link 235 00:08:07.964 --> 00:08:09.324 - on to somebody else who needs to be 236 00:08:09.324 --> 00:08:10.925 - there as well. You can watch it from 237 00:08:10.925 --> 00:08:12.685 - anywhere in the world. That's the best part 238 00:08:12.685 --> 00:08:14.685 - about it. So see you at the Liberating 239 00:08:14.685 --> 00:08:16.225 - Saints virtual summit.