1 00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:10,720 Hey humans. How's it going? Susan Ruth here. 2 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:14,040 Thanks for listening to another episode of Hey Human Podcast. 3 00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:19,960 This is episode 384 and I had a conversation with Lauren 4 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:23,840 Reiner. Lauren's a talented young singer songwriter, 5 00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:27,800 I've written with her and she's fabulous. She's working on new music. 6 00:00:28,020 --> 00:00:30,200 As she recovers from brain surgery, 7 00:00:30,820 --> 00:00:33,520 she had the brain surgery procedure to ease her epilepsy. 8 00:00:34,310 --> 00:00:38,520 It's been an emotional and physical rollercoaster to be sure, 9 00:00:39,180 --> 00:00:41,920 but she's navigating her way back to health and happiness. 10 00:00:41,970 --> 00:00:46,520 She's fierce and brave and determined, and a badass. 11 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:49,760 If you ask me, there is a trigger warning on this episode. 12 00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:54,600 We talked about mental health aspects and depression and things like that. 13 00:00:54,820 --> 00:00:58,920 So make sure that if that's a trigger for you, you are aware of that. 14 00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:03,680 If you're looking for a way to help with the humanitarian crisis happening in 15 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:04,640 the Middle East right now, 16 00:01:04,930 --> 00:01:09,600 check out nrw.org and the other 17 00:01:10,010 --> 00:01:13,240 great place to donate money, uh, uh, resources. 18 00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:17,760 So Doctors Without Borders. So just wanted to get that out there. 19 00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:21,720 And prayers for everyone. Check out, Hey, 20 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:25,760 human podcast for links and to learn more about my guests and the show, 21 00:01:26,250 --> 00:01:27,640 check out Susan ruth.com. 22 00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:30,520 To learn more about me and my other artistic endeavors, 23 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:33,880 follow Susan Ruths and hey, human podcast on social media. 24 00:01:34,670 --> 00:01:38,000 Find my albums on Spotify, apple Music, Amazon music, 25 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:42,400 wherever you get your music. And rate review and subscribe to, Hey, 26 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:46,040 human podcast on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts. 27 00:01:46,610 --> 00:01:50,920 Thank you for listening. Be well. Stay safe, be kind. 28 00:01:51,900 --> 00:01:54,840 And here we go. Okay, 29 00:01:56,740 --> 00:01:58,640 get comfy. Feel good. 30 00:01:58,790 --> 00:01:59,623 Yeah. . 31 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,040 I like the hair. It's cute. 32 00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:04,520 Thank you. It took, it took a minute for me. 33 00:02:04,980 --> 00:02:06,960 You have good face . 34 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:07,700 So thank you. 35 00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:11,760 You could even, I feel like you could go Sinead full tilt and be fine. 36 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:13,720 A lot of people have said that it took some. 37 00:02:13,820 --> 00:02:14,653 You have big. 38 00:02:15,540 --> 00:02:20,440 It took me a while. Like I really hated it at first. And honestly like they, 39 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:25,040 I didn't think I was gonna have to shave my head. My surgeon was like, it's, 40 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,880 it's just gonna be like a small part that's shaved, but your hair will cover it. 41 00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:32,400 And I was like, okay. And I woke up and literally like , 42 00:02:32,590 --> 00:02:35,040 like a third of my head was shaved. They went. 43 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:35,640 For the inverted. 44 00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:37,240 Mohawk. Like I, yeah, I look like, 45 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,320 like the Cynthia Doll from the Rugrats . Are you kidding? 46 00:02:40,390 --> 00:02:45,320 Like I can't what? So I have to cut it all off, obviously. Shut out. 47 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:49,280 Rugrats though. Yeah. Lauren Reiner, welcome to Hey Human . 48 00:02:49,330 --> 00:02:50,640 Thank you for having me. 49 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:52,213 I'm excited. 50 00:02:52,390 --> 00:02:56,440 Yeah, I've never done a podcast before so I'm so glad that you asked me. 51 00:02:56,750 --> 00:02:57,583 I'll be gentle. 52 00:02:58,120 --> 00:02:58,953 . 53 00:02:59,140 --> 00:03:02,200 I'm, I'm an easy . We met, 54 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,720 I was trying to remember exactly did we meet at the B M I thing? 55 00:03:06,380 --> 00:03:09,480 Was it the B m I thing where you like plugged your phone in and play a song or 56 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,320 was it when I played the Acoustic Lounge? 57 00:03:11,580 --> 00:03:12,600 No, I think it's the, I. 58 00:03:12,730 --> 00:03:13,410 Think it was that one. 59 00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:14,360 Phone in and play a song. Yeah. 60 00:03:14,390 --> 00:03:16,160 That was, it was 2019 right. 61 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:20,160 Before the Pandemic Baby. Yeah. the good old days. Yeah. 62 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:22,520 That was a good, I loved 2019. 63 00:03:23,140 --> 00:03:24,120 It was a good year. I. 64 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:25,880 Feel like everybody was kind of thriving and then. 65 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,520 I was thriving. Me too. 66 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,280 I was really thriving. I mean, 67 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,120 I was ignoring things that I probably shouldn't have been ignoring, 68 00:03:32,180 --> 00:03:33,280 but I thought I was thriving. 69 00:03:34,350 --> 00:03:38,440 Well, hindsight is 2020 and ignorance is bliss. 70 00:03:38,670 --> 00:03:41,280 Yeah, right. Oh God. , definitely. 71 00:03:42,050 --> 00:03:45,080 Let's start with your start. Where did you grow up? 72 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:50,560 I grew up in Pleasantville, New York, which is like 40, 45 minutes. 73 00:03:51,020 --> 00:03:52,440 Uh, north of New York City. 74 00:03:52,830 --> 00:03:55,240 They made a movie about Pleasantville. Is it? 75 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:58,520 I don't, I don't know if it's the same one and I honestly have never seen it. 76 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,400 Which people are always like, how have you never seen that movie? 77 00:04:01,430 --> 00:04:04,120 Like you grew up in Pleasantville? Who's in it? 78 00:04:04,140 --> 00:04:05,720 Is it Reese Witherspoon or something? 79 00:04:06,060 --> 00:04:09,760 Uh, Joaquin Phoenix. I feel like some of the town is in black and white. 80 00:04:09,830 --> 00:04:10,663 It's been so long. 81 00:04:11,100 --> 00:04:11,680 That's exactly. 82 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,680 What it's might be confusing it with another movie. 83 00:04:13,780 --> 00:04:16,200 No, that's what it is. It's like when they go to Pleasantville, 84 00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:20,720 I think it's black and white, but where I grew up was fully color. So . 85 00:04:21,150 --> 00:04:24,720 Technicolor no less. Yeah. . How was, uh, childhood? Were you created, 86 00:04:24,820 --> 00:04:28,560 you're a, you're a songwriter. Mm-hmm. performer. Yes. 87 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:30,680 I, yeah. 88 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:35,120 I always was into music from when I was super young. 89 00:04:35,270 --> 00:04:39,840 Like my dad plays guitar and I think he would play for us. I know, 90 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,040 I don't know why I said I think I know he would play for us. 91 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:45,960 Like before we went to sleep Uhhuh and then my dad's parents were both 92 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,240 professional musicians. 93 00:04:47,570 --> 00:04:51,760 Dad's mother was a classical pianist and my dad's father was a professional 94 00:04:51,830 --> 00:04:52,663 violinist. 95 00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:56,200 They ended up doing other stuff 'cause it's really hard to make money from 96 00:04:56,200 --> 00:05:00,280 music. Obviously a lot worse now. But even then it was, you know, very hard. 97 00:05:00,580 --> 00:05:03,360 And I started taking classical piano when I was five. 98 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:07,880 I started playing guitar when I was like 12 and I think I started voice lessons 99 00:05:07,910 --> 00:05:12,000 when I was 12. I wanted to start earlier, but my parents were like, no, 100 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:16,840 'cause I think it can be actually not so great for your voice to start voice 101 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:17,800 lessons super young. 102 00:05:18,700 --> 00:05:21,240 Oh, now you tell me. I started at six. Oh really? 103 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,960 . I'm sure it's like, I'm sure it's fine. Your voice sounds great. 104 00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,360 So who knows . 105 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,480 I had a voice injury, a vocal injury in high school actually that. 106 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:31,440 Was Did you get a node or. 107 00:05:31,740 --> 00:05:33,120 No, a hemorrhage. Ooh. 108 00:05:33,260 --> 00:05:36,200 My You went full tilt. Yeah. From singing too hard. 109 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,640 I like had chronic strep at the time. 110 00:05:39,070 --> 00:05:43,040 This was before I got my tonsils out and I was like with my voice teacher doing 111 00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:45,080 warmups and I knew I was kind of pushing, 112 00:05:45,660 --> 00:05:48,960 didn't want to seem like I was giving up. I don't know. 113 00:05:48,980 --> 00:05:53,240 So I kind of went really high and I like felt this kind of like pop and I went 114 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,760 to the E N T and they told me I had hemorrhage, 115 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:59,760 but it's actually way less of a big deal than a node 'cause it just kind of 116 00:06:00,370 --> 00:06:04,800 heals on its own versus a node needing to be taken out for my hemorrhage. 117 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:05,760 They were pretty much just like, 118 00:06:05,860 --> 00:06:08,880 you need to not talk for like two weeks and then it's harder. 119 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:09,713 Than it looks. 120 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:14,720 I cried so much silently but still cried in the library at school, 121 00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:19,120 like writing to my friends on like a whiteboard and I was like, my. 122 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:19,520 Life is. 123 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:23,600 Over. Yeah, no, I seriously thought my career was over but it, it healed up. 124 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:27,440 Like there's still maybe a tiny bit of scar tissue there, 125 00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:30,040 but it's fine. 126 00:06:30,470 --> 00:06:31,760 It's funny to think as adults, 127 00:06:32,150 --> 00:06:35,320 someone telling us we can't talk for two weeks Sounds like a dream. 128 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:38,760 . Yeah. I don't know. It was, yeah, 129 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,920 in high school it was definitely harder than it would be now. Sure. 130 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:47,520 Although I'm like so ready to get back out into the world. 131 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:52,080 I feel like I've spent so much time like not talking and because of the surgery 132 00:06:52,340 --> 00:06:54,840 and stuff, so eager to get out and do things. 133 00:06:55,020 --> 00:06:59,840 But I also like still am really recovering and like need to chill 134 00:06:59,860 --> 00:07:02,600 and it's, it's really hard to find that balance. 135 00:07:03,420 --> 00:07:05,000 Did you have health issues as a kid? 136 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:08,680 I had a couple febrile seizures when I was a kid, 137 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,360 which is having a high fever and getting a seizure, 138 00:07:11,370 --> 00:07:16,320 which honestly in kids is actually really common. I think only, I don't know, 139 00:07:16,380 --> 00:07:19,960 10 to 20% of kids that have fever seizures end up having epilepsy. 140 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:25,720 I think I was like maybe 18 months and my mom just like sensed that something 141 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:30,520 was wrong and looked on the baby monitor and saw that I was convulsing like the 142 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:31,353 whole thing. 143 00:07:31,490 --> 00:07:32,323 Terrifying. 144 00:07:32,390 --> 00:07:34,960 Yeah. Yeah. I mean I think they thought I was dying in that moment, 145 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,680 which was incredibly scary. Yeah. 146 00:07:38,100 --> 00:07:41,600 So obviously like they rushed me to the hospital and, and they were like, 147 00:07:41,620 --> 00:07:41,920 you know, 148 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:46,880 this happens 'cause as a baby I like had really high fevers and 149 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:51,560 they started kind of learning that putting me in a cold bath would kind of 150 00:07:51,630 --> 00:07:52,260 stop it. 151 00:07:52,260 --> 00:07:57,080 My dad said he would kind of see a certain look in my eyes and he was like, Hmm, 152 00:07:57,590 --> 00:08:00,040 something's about to happen. And he would put me in a cold bath. 153 00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:04,200 But I think there were a couple other seizures, maybe one or two, 154 00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:08,040 but one of them lasted three to four minutes, 155 00:08:08,210 --> 00:08:13,080 which is pretty long and is probably why I have epilepsy now. I also, 156 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,080 I mean I was born jaundiced, 157 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:19,920 like I've always kind of had some weird health stuff, 158 00:08:20,030 --> 00:08:24,240 like stomach stuff and which I think we later learned in my life was really my 159 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,080 gallbladder. But that's, we'll get there later. 160 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,840 I kind of always struggled a little bit with stuff. 161 00:08:29,020 --> 00:08:33,360 Got strep a lot and I think I just kind of was more prone to 162 00:08:33,550 --> 00:08:38,000 getting sick. The seizures. Uh, once I turned two totally gone. Hmm. 163 00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:39,013 In retrospect, 164 00:08:39,220 --> 00:08:43,760 is there potential that the fever and seizure 165 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:48,600 relation was actually epilepsy back then? Oh. 166 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:52,560 Yeah. Actually fevers are like a massive, massive uh, trigger for seizures. 167 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:57,320 So it's possible that I had epilepsy already, 168 00:08:57,420 --> 00:09:01,080 but I'm not really sure because after that I didn't have a seizure again until I 169 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:02,920 was 14. 170 00:09:03,860 --> 00:09:08,040 And when I did I had no idea I was a seizure for many years. 171 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:10,160 You just thought you were a great dancer? No. 172 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:14,120 'Cause I, I was awake. That's the thing is like with epilepsy, 173 00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:18,520 I'm actually gonna be participating in this documentary that this girl is making 174 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,400 about epilepsy, which I'm, 175 00:09:20,580 --> 00:09:24,480 I'm really excited about 'cause I feel like there's so much that people don't 176 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,560 know about it. And I didn't know, 177 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:31,120 I didn't know that there were seizures that you could be awake and not convulse. 178 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,360 I didn't know that. So we had, so you. 179 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:37,560 Could have seizures that you're ocular seizures that are just, that make you. 180 00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:40,600 My very good friend has that mm-hmm. . Yeah. 181 00:09:40,940 --> 00:09:42,960 Who had the same surgery as me. That's how we met. 182 00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:46,640 Her vision gets really weird and starry. And you've had that. Mm-hmm. 183 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,560 . Really? Mm-hmm . Do you have epilepsy? 184 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:52,920 I don't know. I've never been tested for it but I have on occasion gone blind. 185 00:09:53,140 --> 00:09:55,800 But I see uh, wiggly things. Yeah. 186 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:59,680 And then I can't see it all and it lasts and then it usually has a terrible 187 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,320 headache associated. I just always assume they were migraines. 188 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:03,240 But the way you're describing. 189 00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:06,160 That could be migraine with aura though. Yeah. Maybe you should see around. 190 00:10:06,390 --> 00:10:07,223 Yeah. 191 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,600 Probably. I'll add it to the list. Yeah. 192 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,400 , I was on a flight back from France, 193 00:10:12,510 --> 00:10:14,840 like it was the first time I'd ever left the country. 194 00:10:14,940 --> 00:10:19,640 We did like a family trip and I had taken a nap and I woke up and I'd got this 195 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:24,560 really weird feeling and didn't know where I was and 196 00:10:24,780 --> 00:10:28,040 got kind of tingly and just was really confused. 197 00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:31,280 And then I kind of came out of it. I just didn't really understand. 198 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,920 I tried to explain it to my parents. I was like, yeah, 199 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:38,520 I woke up and I just felt like really weird and kind of really anxious and they, 200 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,360 they were like, oh you had a panic attack. 201 00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:43,760 That's what it sounded like all the way through high school. 202 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:47,120 I would have them like every like four or five months at that point. 203 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:50,280 And it was always when I was waking up from sleep, oh, panic, attack, whatever. 204 00:10:50,860 --> 00:10:52,600 And there was one actually though, 205 00:10:52,850 --> 00:10:57,360 right after high school my friends and I were swimming and 206 00:10:58,280 --> 00:10:59,113 I had one, 207 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:03,000 'cause we had smoked a lot of weeded and my friends kind of pulled me out. 208 00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:08,360 Like I didn't go under but I just, I just, 209 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,400 it was clear I didn't really understand what was going on. 210 00:11:10,540 --> 00:11:14,480 So they like pulled me outta the water and I just remember being like, 211 00:11:14,750 --> 00:11:15,583 what the hell? 212 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,720 I just thought it was like I was too high or something and had a really bad 213 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:22,320 panic attack in college. I don't know, I thought I was fine. 214 00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:26,440 And then my senior year, it started happening every 215 00:11:28,380 --> 00:11:30,280 two weeks maybe. And. 216 00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,400 Same when you woke up. Mm-hmm. , 217 00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:35,560 is there some sort of thing with waking up and seizures? 218 00:11:36,050 --> 00:11:37,960 Sleep and seizures are intertwined. 219 00:11:38,020 --> 00:11:41,720 One of the biggest seizure triggers ever is not getting enough sleep. But yeah, 220 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,280 so I was a senior and I don't know why I'm having these panic attacks. 221 00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:48,400 I'm happy I'm thriving, I don't understand. 222 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,800 And I was talking to my dad and he just, 223 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:53,040 I think he was distracted but he was like, oh, like, 224 00:11:53,100 --> 00:11:55,320 like what are your panic attacks? I didn't even think of it. I was like, 225 00:11:55,440 --> 00:12:00,440 I get this really intense feeling of deja vu and there's like always this 226 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:04,680 Japanese woman and she's telling me the same thing and I know what she's gonna 227 00:12:04,780 --> 00:12:08,800 say but like after the panic attack, I can't remember what she said. 228 00:12:09,420 --> 00:12:14,160 And like I also can't read or speak a minute if I read something. 229 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:16,560 I remember looking at a text, my friend was like, 230 00:12:16,670 --> 00:12:19,800 when do you want me to pick you up? And to me in that moment it was like blah, 231 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,440 blah blah. Like I was like, what the hell? 232 00:12:21,820 --> 00:12:24,960 And I say things that don't really make sense. And my dad was like, 233 00:12:25,660 --> 00:12:27,960 are you kidding me? That is not a panic attack. 234 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:31,120 I don't know what the hell that is, but I'm gonna come down to Miami. 235 00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,560 So he came, which is where I was at school, 236 00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:35,960 he came down to Miami and took me to see Dr. 237 00:12:36,140 --> 00:12:41,000 Canner who's at the U Miami Hospital. And he's like a well-known neurologist. 238 00:12:41,290 --> 00:12:44,560 First of all, I'd be remiss if I didn't bring up the Japanese woman. I. 239 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:47,320 I couldn't that you know, it's actually stopped. 240 00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:53,040 But it didn't stop until I was like 22, 23. But it was like every time. 241 00:12:53,420 --> 00:12:53,640 And. 242 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,240 You saw her outside of yourself or in your mind? 243 00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:59,200 In my mind. But I have one of my friends with epilepsy, 244 00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:00,440 he kind of had something similar. 245 00:13:00,510 --> 00:13:03,520 Like he would always see his dad and it was al, 246 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:04,960 he was always saying the same thing to him. 247 00:13:05,590 --> 00:13:10,000 Deja vu is a super common aura thing in the moment. 248 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:14,360 I knew what she was saying. I was like, yeah, yeah like get it over with. 249 00:13:14,420 --> 00:13:15,130 But I will. 250 00:13:15,130 --> 00:13:16,200 Never was a warning. 251 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,120 I don't know. I have no idea. . 252 00:13:19,460 --> 00:13:20,080 Man. 253 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,240 Seizures are really weird. Like really fucking weird. 254 00:13:22,420 --> 00:13:24,200 But always the same woman. Yes. 255 00:13:24,740 --> 00:13:24,960 But. 256 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,800 You'd never seen her in real time. No. Whatever that means. No. 257 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,560 Fascinating. Really weird. Yeah, so far this is my favorite part. Alright, 258 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:33,060 . 259 00:13:33,060 --> 00:13:33,893 So then my. 260 00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:34,800 That's just wild. 261 00:13:35,150 --> 00:13:37,520 Yeah, it was. I remember , 262 00:13:37,630 --> 00:13:39,800 I'll never forget that phone call with my dad 'cause he was like, 263 00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:41,440 what are you talking about? Yeah. I. 264 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,080 Would've been like, I'm sorry what? 265 00:13:43,230 --> 00:13:45,960 Yeah, he was like, um, we're gonna need to take you to the doctor. 266 00:13:46,110 --> 00:13:50,960 Like immediately. So we went to see this guy, 267 00:13:51,140 --> 00:13:55,080 Dr. Canner who's really wonderful and you know, 268 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,640 we sat down with him in his office and I spoke for a little bit and he was like, 269 00:13:58,780 --> 00:14:03,120 you have epilepsy. No I don't. I don't. And he was like, 270 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:07,360 I mean you can be in denial but like you do, those are partial seizures. 271 00:14:07,590 --> 00:14:10,680 They did an E E G which is kind of, you know, 272 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:13,160 have you ever seen pictures when they like put them on on your head? I'm done. 273 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,720 Sure. Yeah. They didn't really see much. 274 00:14:15,750 --> 00:14:20,580 They saw a little bit of weirdness happening in 275 00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:24,620 my left temporal lobe and he tried to put me on medication. 276 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:29,540 He put me on Lamictal and I was on it for one day and I freaked out and 277 00:14:29,540 --> 00:14:34,500 stopped 'cause I'm just so sensitive and the epilepsy meds really 278 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,580 are not good for me, like mentally, which is not uncommon. 279 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,460 So I stopped it and I was like, you know what? My seizures aren't that serious. 280 00:14:41,570 --> 00:14:46,100 Like who caress whatever. And then I went back to New York, you know, 281 00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:50,940 I was done with college and I started seeing this doctor, Dr. Jacobson, 282 00:14:51,170 --> 00:14:53,240 who's also really wonderful in Westchester. 283 00:14:54,140 --> 00:14:58,320 And he put me on Trileptol, which is another epilepsy med. 284 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,960 I went with my friend to Europe for the summer. 285 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,200 I was pretty okay. 286 00:15:04,460 --> 00:15:08,720 But I had really bad headaches literally every day and 287 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,720 suddenly had a temper, which was not something that I'd had before. 288 00:15:12,780 --> 00:15:15,160 And like there were a couple times that I like screamed at her. 289 00:15:15,380 --> 00:15:17,600 So when I got back from Europe I was like, I don't wanna be on this, 290 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,760 I don't like this. And then I was like, 291 00:15:21,370 --> 00:15:26,280 would you be okay if I tried medical marijuana? And he was like, sure. 292 00:15:26,740 --> 00:15:28,600 So this was like end of 2018, 293 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:33,680 I started taking pills that were like 20 milligram C B d one milligram T H c 294 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:38,320 twice a day. Didn't have a seizure for 16 months. Thought I was cured, 295 00:15:39,180 --> 00:15:42,120 living my best life. I moved out here January, 2019. 296 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:46,400 I was driving so happy and then like I, 297 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,840 I truly was like, oh I'm cured. Like that was, that was easy, whatever. 298 00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:54,840 And then November, 2019 I was in a session with some friends and I had a seizure 299 00:15:55,050 --> 00:15:56,320 music session. Yeah. 300 00:15:56,740 --> 00:16:00,640 And I have like a voice memo of it when I'm having a seizure. 301 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:04,120 I can't say that I'm having a seizure. Like I can't find the words. 302 00:16:04,820 --> 00:16:06,240 And they didn't know what was going on. 303 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:07,840 So they were trying to guess what was happening. 304 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,520 I guess I was kind of saying like, and they were like, 305 00:16:11,350 --> 00:16:13,560 like they had no idea what was happening. They were like, 306 00:16:13,780 --> 00:16:16,040 oh I don't know what I don't know. 307 00:16:16,420 --> 00:16:20,480 And then eventually once I was out of it, they were like, oh. 308 00:16:20,860 --> 00:16:23,560 And I told them and I sent it to my neurologist and he was like, 309 00:16:23,910 --> 00:16:28,680 your friends are not very bright . I don't know, they just had no idea. 310 00:16:29,020 --> 00:16:31,960 Do they know ahead of time that you had this issue? So that. 311 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,640 I wasn't really talking about it. I. 312 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:35,920 Mean it's pretty private I suppose. 313 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:40,320 I mean, well kind of. You watched the Kickstarter video? Yeah, 314 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:44,160 I kind of mentioned in that when I moved here. Yeah. 315 00:16:44,260 --> 00:16:49,200 It was pretty easy at the time to pretend that I didn't have epilepsy because I 316 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:52,560 wasn't having seizures. I was taking the medical marijuana. So I was like, 317 00:16:53,340 --> 00:16:55,840 oh why would I tell people about it? Like you know, 318 00:16:55,860 --> 00:17:00,760 and it's this girl who's gonna be doing this documentary that I'm 319 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:02,240 gonna be working on with her. 320 00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:06,160 We spoke a couple weeks ago and she was saying she didn't really tell anybody 321 00:17:06,650 --> 00:17:09,800 about her epilepsy for a really long time. And somehow hidden, 322 00:17:09,830 --> 00:17:11,200 even though hers like her, 323 00:17:11,380 --> 00:17:15,880 she like convulses and stuff but she's just felt so embarrassed by it. 324 00:17:15,890 --> 00:17:19,360 Which is really sad. And I get it because I've felt, 325 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,960 I don't know if embarrassed is the right word, 326 00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:27,320 but like worried that I'm gonna seem burdensome, 327 00:17:27,860 --> 00:17:28,960 broken. Yeah. 328 00:17:29,260 --> 00:17:33,400 Or like worried that people don't wanna handle it and like are freaked out by 329 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,040 it. I was like dating and stuff. 330 00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:39,960 I wasn't really telling people. 331 00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:45,080 I mean I started dating somebody at the end of 2019 and we dated two years on 332 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:48,840 and off and I think I told him relatively early on because I was having seizures 333 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:53,080 again like right after we met. And I try really hard, 334 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:57,840 honestly I'm very open about it because I think it's, you know, 335 00:17:57,860 --> 00:18:01,800 it should not be something to be ashamed of. Like it's not my fault, 336 00:18:02,070 --> 00:18:06,160 it's a brain disease, you know? And I think there's just a lot that people don't 337 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:09,113 understand. 338 00:18:09,570 --> 00:18:13,670 We like lived together during the pandemic at his parents' house and he was 339 00:18:13,670 --> 00:18:16,670 incredibly supportive and not judgmental, 340 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,310 which meant a lot to me. 341 00:18:19,570 --> 00:18:23,910 And he was very much there for me through a lot of, a lot of epilepsy stuff, 342 00:18:23,910 --> 00:18:26,310 which I really appreciate. But you know, 343 00:18:26,610 --> 00:18:29,910 it did definitely cause stress in our relationship. 344 00:18:29,940 --> 00:18:33,630 Like when my epilepsy was getting really bad 'cause it was scary for him. 345 00:18:33,770 --> 00:18:37,310 It was scary for me and it was, what do you think made it get worse? 346 00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:41,310 So in 2020 I was still kind of pretending that I was healthy. 347 00:18:41,670 --> 00:18:43,870 I had over a couple years, 348 00:18:44,020 --> 00:18:48,990 like 2017 to 20 19, 20 20 maybe 2018 more. 349 00:18:49,590 --> 00:18:53,990 I was kind of losing weight and I didn't really know why 350 00:18:54,650 --> 00:18:57,870 and I like had no appetite but I was just like, 351 00:18:57,870 --> 00:19:00,590 oh it must be like one of the antidepressants I'm on or like whatever. 352 00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:04,310 And I was kind of fine with it 'cause I was like oh I look good. 353 00:19:04,330 --> 00:19:06,670 And people kind of were treating me differently and it was, 354 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:11,910 which is annoying right now. I'm like one 40 and I got down to like one 15. 355 00:19:12,580 --> 00:19:15,710 Yeah, that's a lot. No it was not good. It was not good but, 356 00:19:15,770 --> 00:19:17,790 and 'cause like every time I took a bite of food, 357 00:19:17,910 --> 00:19:22,750 I like felt like I couldn't breathe And we went to all these stomach doctors 358 00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:25,710 over the years and they were just like, I don't know. 359 00:19:26,010 --> 00:19:30,710 So I was living in Kansas City with my boyfriend at the time and 360 00:19:30,930 --> 00:19:35,750 it was just getting worse. We drove, I remember like very specifically, 361 00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:40,430 we drove from Missouri to New York in like June to see my parents 362 00:19:41,130 --> 00:19:44,070 and I was in the fetal position the entire drive. 363 00:19:44,470 --> 00:19:46,350 I just didn't understand what was going on. 364 00:19:46,490 --> 00:19:51,070 And I was literally constipated for two weeks straight. 365 00:19:51,850 --> 00:19:55,710 And I was like, something is seriously wrong. And you know, 366 00:19:56,130 --> 00:19:59,790 any physical illness just exacerbates epilepsy. 367 00:20:00,250 --> 00:20:03,510 Any sort of stress on your body exacerbates it. 368 00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:07,070 So I came back to LA honestly spent most of, 369 00:20:07,310 --> 00:20:10,830 I was with Roger actually all the time. Our mutual friend Yes. 370 00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,670 Who was lovely and very talented. 371 00:20:12,930 --> 00:20:17,030 We were hanging out every day and I was just like in the fetal position on his 372 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:21,990 couch or in the car or we went to Malibu one day and I was like in 373 00:20:22,270 --> 00:20:23,103 unbelievable pain. 374 00:20:23,770 --> 00:20:26,710 Got to the point where I was constipated for three weeks straight. 375 00:20:27,270 --> 00:20:31,030 I went to a doctor. Were you having any movements? No. Okay. Nothing. Wow. 376 00:20:31,190 --> 00:20:33,830 I went to a doctor that's very dangerous. Yeah. 377 00:20:33,930 --> 00:20:37,270 And I went to the A doctor at U C L A. He was like, 378 00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:39,790 well just like take some laxatives. And I was like, no, 379 00:20:39,790 --> 00:20:43,750 something's like seriously wrong. And he was like, you're fine, whatever. 380 00:20:44,290 --> 00:20:47,200 And then I ended up, eventually I, 381 00:20:47,740 --> 00:20:51,640 my shoulder started really hurting and I was talking to my cousin and I was 382 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:52,800 like, I don't know, 383 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:56,880 I've been having these stomach issues and I don't know my shoulder like somehow 384 00:20:56,980 --> 00:21:00,920 is injured. And she was like, wait, is it your left shoulder? And I was like, 385 00:21:01,380 --> 00:21:04,080 yes. And she was like, something's wrong with your gallbladder. 386 00:21:04,390 --> 00:21:08,920 Like that's textbook gallbladder if you have left shoulder pain 387 00:21:09,420 --> 00:21:10,480 and stomach pain. 388 00:21:11,100 --> 00:21:15,320 So I went to urgent care and the doctor there was like, 389 00:21:15,540 --> 00:21:16,260 you're fine. 390 00:21:16,260 --> 00:21:19,920 And I was like no you have to do a fucking ultrasound 'cause something is wrong. 391 00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:23,160 And he was like, Ugh fine, whatever. I. 392 00:21:23,270 --> 00:21:25,400 Hate that. I know so much. 393 00:21:25,580 --> 00:21:27,520 No, he was totally not listening to me and I was like, 394 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:28,840 something is really wrong. 395 00:21:29,220 --> 00:21:32,120 So I get this ultrasound and you know how like the people who do that, 396 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,520 they're not supposed to tell you things, 397 00:21:35,700 --> 00:21:38,040 but she was doing the ultrasound and she was like, 398 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:43,680 I know that I'm not supposed to talk to you but you need to call a surgeon 399 00:21:43,750 --> 00:21:47,200 like right now because your gallbladder's literally about to explode. 400 00:21:47,580 --> 00:21:49,200 And she probably knows that you're gonna be. 401 00:21:49,470 --> 00:21:50,360 What? Yeah. You. 402 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:52,280 Know, shoved off by doctors. 403 00:21:52,950 --> 00:21:56,440 Well no once, oh god. Once they saw the pictures of my gallbladder, 404 00:21:56,440 --> 00:22:00,280 they were like, holy shit, you need to get surgery. Like right now, what. 405 00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:02,720 Is the gallbladder responsible for? That's the bile. 406 00:22:03,180 --> 00:22:07,880 Yes. Yeah. So yeah, the bile duct, which that also got destroyed. But that's, 407 00:22:07,950 --> 00:22:11,960 I'll get to that. So went back to New York, went to N Y U and. 408 00:22:12,220 --> 00:22:13,880 That's laparoscopic. Yes. 409 00:22:14,340 --> 00:22:15,280 It can be. 410 00:22:15,730 --> 00:22:19,920 First of all, why is your arm in I, is it referred pain? The left arm? It's. 411 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:22,080 Just, yeah, I think it's just referred pain. Fascinating. It was really weird. 412 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,560 I, I truly thought that I like pulled a muscle. I was like, what is going on? 413 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:29,280 Mm-hmm. Yeah. So we went to this doctor at N Y U and I didn't even, 414 00:22:29,540 --> 00:22:33,200 he looked at the pictures of the ultrasound and he was like, oh god, yeah I, 415 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,040 or maybe he even just looked at the report and he like scheduled the surgery for 416 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:40,120 like the next week gallbladder removal, which is a cholecystectomy. 417 00:22:40,190 --> 00:22:43,920 Like it's supposed to be quite easy. It is usually laparoscopic. 418 00:22:43,990 --> 00:22:45,000 Mine was laparoscopic. 419 00:22:45,100 --> 00:22:49,040 But they also can do it open and honestly they probably should have done mine 420 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:52,400 open 'cause maybe they would've seen what was about to happen. 421 00:22:52,740 --> 00:22:56,880 But it's basically they took my gallbladder out, I went home, 422 00:22:57,350 --> 00:22:58,840 it's really not supposed to be a big deal. 423 00:22:59,540 --> 00:23:02,480 And like a weekend I was just not doing well. 424 00:23:02,590 --> 00:23:05,840 Like I felt honestly I kind of felt like I was dying, 425 00:23:05,850 --> 00:23:09,680 which I guess I would have if we didn't do anything. 426 00:23:09,700 --> 00:23:11,800 And I had a fever and we called my surgeon and he was like, 427 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:16,600 oh just stand outside it. It was like what December? Yeah. And I was like, 428 00:23:16,950 --> 00:23:20,040 what? Then I think this was like seven days after, is this. 429 00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:21,000 Not malpractice? 430 00:23:21,620 --> 00:23:26,320 We wanted to sue and we thought that it was a seven year statute of 431 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,160 limitations and just found out it's only two and a half years and I just missed 432 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:32,680 it. Fuck. Which sucks we, we've talked to some lawyers about it, 433 00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:34,960 but it is what it is. 434 00:23:35,380 --> 00:23:39,680 My mom and I were driving to the mall and like I don't have the best memory 435 00:23:40,260 --> 00:23:43,480 but there are some of these moments that are so clear. 436 00:23:43,550 --> 00:23:47,920 Like we were driving to the the mole and she looked at me and she was like, 437 00:23:48,390 --> 00:23:50,120 okay, your eyes are fully yellow. 438 00:23:51,020 --> 00:23:55,320 And like I looked at the car mirror and I was like oh my god. Oh. 439 00:23:55,380 --> 00:23:56,090 No. Yeah. 440 00:23:56,090 --> 00:23:58,200 Liver. Liver. Yeah. Yeah. Liver shutting down. 441 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:00,160 And so we called the doctor and he was like, okay, 442 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:03,200 that's actually a serious problem. Like you need to come. Oh gee. 443 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,360 You think buddy? Yeah. 444 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,880 , you need to come back. By the time I got there, 445 00:24:07,260 --> 00:24:10,160 my whole body was yellow. I looked like I'd been in the sun. 446 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:13,760 I remember the nurse being like, whoa, you are really jaundiced. 447 00:24:14,300 --> 00:24:17,200 And you know, they took some blood tests and they're like, okay, 448 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,400 your liver's like totally blocked bile. 449 00:24:19,490 --> 00:24:23,440 Looks connected to the liver bone. Right? Yeah. Is that how that. 450 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:27,040 Works? So it turned out that my bile duct was completely twisted, 451 00:24:27,610 --> 00:24:30,560 which that's not supposed to happen obviously. Did. 452 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:33,280 That happen from the surgery or did that happen from the Yeah, 453 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:35,080 so when they pulled that puppy out they. 454 00:24:35,230 --> 00:24:36,560 Something happened. Yeah, 455 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:40,520 something happened and they didn't realize it obviously. So this guy, Dr. 456 00:24:40,730 --> 00:24:44,400 Haber who did a lot of surgeries on me after that, 457 00:24:44,580 --> 00:24:48,240 but he was like, yeah there's probably just a stone stuck. 458 00:24:48,830 --> 00:24:52,800 It's not a big deal. It'll be like 30 minutes. They do an E R C P, 459 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:54,960 which is an endoscopic procedure. 460 00:24:54,990 --> 00:24:57,640 Somehow they can get from your mouth to your bile doctor, which. 461 00:24:57,700 --> 00:24:59,200 We are just a tube, whatever. That's. 462 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:00,720 All we are. Yeah. and. 463 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,480 Technically that's what we are. We're a tube. 464 00:25:02,750 --> 00:25:07,680 That is true. And so he, I go into this surgery, he's like, it's me 30 minutes, 465 00:25:07,870 --> 00:25:11,920 like three hours go by and my parents are like, what is going on? What, 466 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:16,840 what the hell? And I wake up and I hear him, you know, I was really out of it. 467 00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:18,480 But I hear him telling my parents like, 468 00:25:18,710 --> 00:25:22,680 yeah her bile duct got kinked and like twisted. 469 00:25:23,220 --> 00:25:28,120 So we had to put a stent in and we're gonna need to do 470 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:32,160 a, a fair number of these over the next year. And I just. 471 00:25:32,220 --> 00:25:34,280 To expand the bile, the duct. Yes. 472 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:38,000 I just started sobbing 'cause I was like, are you kidding me right now? 473 00:25:38,300 --> 00:25:42,200 And the stents were just hell for me. 474 00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:43,800 So that was the end of 2020. 475 00:25:43,940 --> 00:25:48,200 So through 2021 I got nine of those procedures. 476 00:25:48,340 --> 00:25:49,173 All endoscopic. 477 00:25:49,750 --> 00:25:52,320 Yeah. But the problem is, is like I don't, 478 00:25:52,340 --> 00:25:55,120 the stents were just incredibly painful for me. 479 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,600 I got pancreatitis like three times. Which. 480 00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:01,680 Inflammation of the pancreas, is that all that means? Or is that Yeah. 481 00:26:01,860 --> 00:26:06,840 But pancreatitis is known to be like one of the most painful screaming fetal 482 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,080 position. Oh my god. I mean the amount of opiates. 483 00:26:09,260 --> 00:26:11,600 And the pancreas is responsible for insulin. 484 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:14,800 I think so I should know this. Yeah. 485 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,720 That's, that's our insulin production. 486 00:26:17,140 --> 00:26:18,560 Yes. And then. 487 00:26:19,260 --> 00:26:22,880 So that must've been sending your blood sugars all over the map too. 488 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:25,120 I don't know so much. It was, 489 00:26:25,140 --> 00:26:29,640 it was more my liver enzymes that were kind of going crazy. Um, 490 00:26:30,070 --> 00:26:30,430 your. 491 00:26:30,430 --> 00:26:31,263 Poor body. 492 00:26:31,470 --> 00:26:35,360 Yeah. And then you know, obviously I started um, 493 00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:39,840 having more like partial seizures and then in 494 00:26:39,910 --> 00:26:44,640 July, 2021 I had my first like adult grandma mal 495 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:48,280 seizure. I hadn't had a grandma mal seizure since I was a baby. 496 00:26:48,590 --> 00:26:50,400 It's actually called a tonic-clonic seizure. 497 00:26:50,500 --> 00:26:53,680 But most people know it as grandma Mal. Yeah, grandma. Yeah. Um, 498 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,680 'cause I had this idea that that wasn't possible for me. 499 00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:01,640 I had these partial seizures, I was still driving. I was like, uh, it's fine. 500 00:27:01,710 --> 00:27:03,080 What does a grandma do to you? 501 00:27:03,660 --> 00:27:07,440 That's like fully passing out convulsing for me. 502 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:12,200 I like stop breathing for sometimes like 40 seconds. 503 00:27:12,950 --> 00:27:15,320 Yeah. Not good. And it was in, it was interesting. 504 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,240 My grandma had like rushed me to the hospital. 505 00:27:17,260 --> 00:27:21,840 It was a couple days after I got my stent switch and I was like in extreme pain 506 00:27:22,980 --> 00:27:27,840 and it turned out it was like infected and I think had fallen into my 507 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:32,680 small intestine. But we got to the hospital and I was like begging them for 508 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:37,800 morphine and I think they thought that I was a drug addict. Yeah, yeah. 509 00:27:37,860 --> 00:27:40,160 And my grandma was like, no you don't understand. 510 00:27:40,610 --> 00:27:41,960 She's been through all this stuff. 511 00:27:41,980 --> 00:27:45,040 And they were kind of like ignoring us even though they were empty. 512 00:27:45,620 --> 00:27:48,600 And the second they got me into the hospital bed, 513 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:53,120 I went into a full gram mal seizure. I think the pain was just too much. 514 00:27:53,180 --> 00:27:56,520 And my body was like, okay, I can't do this. I'm shutting down bye. 515 00:27:56,820 --> 00:28:01,760 And I woke up and my grandma was sobbing and it was just terrible 516 00:28:02,220 --> 00:28:04,080 for everybody. It traumatized her. 517 00:28:04,140 --> 00:28:08,200 It traumatized my parents who were on the phone when it was happening and they 518 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:12,480 like thought I was dying 'cause my grandma was like screaming and it was not 519 00:28:12,590 --> 00:28:13,180 good. 520 00:28:13,180 --> 00:28:18,160 But that day definitely changed my life 521 00:28:18,820 --> 00:28:21,040 before I had had these partial seizures that like, 522 00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:25,920 yeah they were annoying but like I could kind of get through 523 00:28:26,230 --> 00:28:28,440 with them. Like I was, you know, 524 00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:31,600 like I could kind of hide it and it wasn't like I could, 525 00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,960 I have had a partial while driving and I was fine. 526 00:28:35,190 --> 00:28:39,160 Like it didn't affect my motor skills. But once I had that grand mal, 527 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:44,320 I remember like being on the phone with my ex-boyfriend and 528 00:28:45,340 --> 00:28:46,880 we were together at the time and just, 529 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,640 I don't think my life's ever gonna be the same after this. And 530 00:28:52,340 --> 00:28:55,960 he was like, no, no I don't. I don't know. I just knew it was different. 531 00:28:55,980 --> 00:29:00,200 So I stopped driving, I was living here and I was hoping, you know, 532 00:29:00,630 --> 00:29:03,720 okay if I get, if I go six months without a grand mal, I can drive again. 533 00:29:04,420 --> 00:29:08,480 And I was doing pretty well. Went home for Christmas break, 534 00:29:08,860 --> 00:29:13,080 had a massive grand mal seizure at home. Thank God you were at home though. 535 00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:14,600 Geez. I was in bed with my mom. 536 00:29:14,660 --> 00:29:19,080 We were just like hanging out and I had been crying about something and then it 537 00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:20,680 was just like, like it just, 538 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:25,160 I woke up to paramedics standing over me and I was like, what happened? 539 00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:29,160 Whatever. And do you have siblings? I have an older sister, yeah. After that, 540 00:29:29,780 --> 00:29:32,920 you know, my parents were like, you need to move back here. 541 00:29:33,860 --> 00:29:38,160 You can't live across the country right now and be having these seizures. 542 00:29:38,350 --> 00:29:41,040 Like this is not working. Um. 543 00:29:41,390 --> 00:29:44,600 Meanwhile in LA you're trying to pursue your career. 544 00:29:45,670 --> 00:29:50,000 Yeah, I really didn't do much in 2021 because of the stent surgeries. 545 00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:52,880 I was honestly in bed in the pandemic 90% of the time. 546 00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:56,200 I actually kind of stopped playing music in 2021. 547 00:29:56,350 --> 00:29:59,360 They put me back on epilepsy meds after the gram mal seizure. 548 00:29:59,660 --> 00:30:04,360 And the one they put me on called Vimpat was the only one that ever 549 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:07,120 didn't make me depressed. But it made me, 550 00:30:08,220 --> 00:30:11,000 it made music honestly sound like nails on a chalkboard. 551 00:30:11,860 --> 00:30:13,760 And I don't know why, 552 00:30:14,580 --> 00:30:17,720 but I like stop listening to music, stop playing. 553 00:30:18,500 --> 00:30:23,360 And that med also gave me debilitating anxiety and then like I switched 554 00:30:23,380 --> 00:30:25,560 to another medication and blah blah blah. 555 00:30:25,980 --> 00:30:28,960 And then I stopped them again and then I had that huge seizure and my parents 556 00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:30,320 were like, okay, you have to come back. 557 00:30:30,820 --> 00:30:34,400 If I remember correctly we're having some bouts of depression through this. 558 00:30:34,460 --> 00:30:35,260 Who wouldn't really. 559 00:30:35,260 --> 00:30:39,080 Oh my god. And yeah, it, yeah, 560 00:30:39,300 --> 00:30:42,360 it was 2021 was a really rough year. 561 00:30:42,900 --> 00:30:47,600 My ex kind of got me through the second half of that year. 562 00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:51,640 Like we had broken up the first half of 2021 and then we got back together the 563 00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:55,080 second half of 2021. And he was really supportive. 564 00:30:55,140 --> 00:30:57,560 We were long distance but he was, you know, 565 00:30:57,560 --> 00:31:00,880 we were talking every day and I was seeing him every couple weeks and that was 566 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:02,320 like the light of my life at the time. 567 00:31:02,700 --> 00:31:06,760 And then January, 2022 we break up and 568 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:09,720 I get put on like a new epilepsy med and yeah, 569 00:31:09,740 --> 00:31:14,600 my depression started going absolutely bonkers and I started 570 00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:19,400 seeing this new neuropsychiatrist who I will not name because 571 00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:21,880 I hate her. 572 00:31:22,340 --> 00:31:26,520 She completely gaslit me and my parents and 573 00:31:27,270 --> 00:31:30,160 told me that the side effects were all in my head and 574 00:31:31,870 --> 00:31:36,480 that I needed to be on epilepsy meds and that I was not 575 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:39,680 a candidate for brain surgery. And she was just like, 576 00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:42,200 you just need to suck it up 'cause you have to stay on these meds. 577 00:31:42,820 --> 00:31:47,610 So in 2022 I went through like, oh my god, I don't, oh God, 578 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:51,810 I've been on 10 epilepsy meds total . Which is ridiculous. 579 00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:57,210 They absolutely ripped my mental health to shreds to the point 580 00:31:57,300 --> 00:32:02,130 where in March, 2022 my parents sent me to Sierra Tucson, 581 00:32:02,460 --> 00:32:07,130 which is like a rehab facility, whether it's for sobriety, depression, 582 00:32:07,430 --> 00:32:11,290 you know, and it, it was, I, I needed to be there like I was, 583 00:32:11,730 --> 00:32:15,890 I was becoming very, very suicidal. I was not doing well. 584 00:32:15,990 --> 00:32:19,570 And I went there and it was okay. You know, 585 00:32:20,250 --> 00:32:22,210 I came back home and I don't know, 586 00:32:22,210 --> 00:32:26,890 they put me on this other medication and I was sobbing every day. 587 00:32:26,950 --> 00:32:28,010 And what was , 588 00:32:28,010 --> 00:32:30,450 what was ridiculous is it wasn't even stopping my seizures. 589 00:32:31,250 --> 00:32:33,850 I was still having a partial seizure like once every three weeks, 590 00:32:33,900 --> 00:32:36,450 which was what it usually was. Anyways. 591 00:32:37,190 --> 00:32:42,000 So they kept switching the meds I got sent to multiple rehab 592 00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:46,240 places. There was one in California that was a nightmare. 593 00:32:46,370 --> 00:32:48,800 There was one in Nashville. 594 00:32:49,250 --> 00:32:51,640 Rehab for your mental health or rehab for your brain. 595 00:32:51,700 --> 00:32:54,640 Mental health, like an inpatient therapy thing. And I was, 596 00:32:55,020 --> 00:32:57,320 the whole time I was like, this is not me. 597 00:32:57,820 --> 00:33:01,120 But I was becoming so suicidal. 598 00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:05,680 I was having a very hard time with the breakup because you know, 599 00:33:05,780 --> 00:33:09,880 he had become my safe person. You know, 600 00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:12,200 we were still talking but like we shouldn't have been. 601 00:33:13,180 --> 00:33:15,000 And it got really messy. 602 00:33:15,270 --> 00:33:20,120 Like there was this point in July of 2022, 603 00:33:20,260 --> 00:33:23,520 my parents really wanted to go on on a week vacation, 604 00:33:24,500 --> 00:33:27,240 but they were worried that I was gonna kill myself when they were gone. 605 00:33:27,380 --> 00:33:29,880 So my ex ended up coming for a week. 606 00:33:30,180 --> 00:33:31,160 That's a lot of pressure. 607 00:33:31,900 --> 00:33:36,120 On him. Yeah, well my parents ended up paying him. 608 00:33:36,380 --> 00:33:38,800 It was not a good situation for anybody. 609 00:33:39,180 --> 00:33:40,640 Did you know that he was being paid? 610 00:33:40,820 --> 00:33:41,300 Yes, 611 00:33:41,300 --> 00:33:46,160 but I didn't really care because I was in the darkest place ever. 612 00:33:46,380 --> 00:33:49,720 And I just was like, I don't know what to do. And it did not feel good. 613 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:52,680 It didn't, I, it didn't feel good for him either. Like it, 614 00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:55,760 it felt awful for me too. Like it felt, I don't ever, 615 00:33:55,870 --> 00:34:00,360 ever in my life wanna have to pay somebody to like be there for me 616 00:34:00,670 --> 00:34:03,520 ever. That's the last time I ever saw him in person actually. 617 00:34:03,620 --> 00:34:06,280 But we continued talking actually until quite recently, 618 00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:10,600 like a couple months ago and we decided to go no contact but you know. 619 00:34:10,750 --> 00:34:15,360 Were you taking the suicidal ideations to their 620 00:34:15,580 --> 00:34:16,413 limits? 621 00:34:17,020 --> 00:34:20,240 Um, before I went to Sierra Tucson I 622 00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:26,340 had self-harmed and then cutting. Yeah. 623 00:34:26,720 --> 00:34:27,940 So then in like 624 00:34:29,820 --> 00:34:34,580 September I started at this really fucked up outpatient inpatient 625 00:34:34,580 --> 00:34:35,860 therapy place in the city. 626 00:34:36,660 --> 00:34:39,780 I honestly will say their name 'cause I hate them so much. It's called the dorm. 627 00:34:40,140 --> 00:34:44,220 I lived at this place called Dwell and it was like run by two people who 628 00:34:44,220 --> 00:34:46,540 literally were not mental health professionals. 629 00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:49,980 It was an incredibly traumatic experience. Where. 630 00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:50,833 In, in New York? 631 00:34:50,890 --> 00:34:54,980 Yeah. When I was there I attempted twice and 632 00:34:56,130 --> 00:34:59,900 like once in my room and then another time I like almost jumped in front of a 633 00:34:59,900 --> 00:35:02,660 subway and then I was like, stop myself. And I ended up, 634 00:35:02,770 --> 00:35:07,180 they ended up making me go to the psych ward that night and I was just, 635 00:35:07,340 --> 00:35:10,140 I was just so done 'cause nobody was hearing me. 636 00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:14,620 My neuropsychiatrist had kind of gaslit my parents into thinking that I was 637 00:35:14,620 --> 00:35:17,660 crazy. Like I remember telling her and this neurologist, 638 00:35:17,730 --> 00:35:19,660 they were at Columbia by the way. 639 00:35:20,010 --> 00:35:22,940 It's not like they were just some random people. And I said to them, 640 00:35:23,980 --> 00:35:28,780 I feel like I am about a thousand times more likely to die from suicide than a 641 00:35:28,780 --> 00:35:31,220 seizure. And they were like, I don't know what to tell you. 642 00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:34,980 I'm literally gonna end my life. Like I can't live like this. 643 00:35:35,050 --> 00:35:38,880 Like these meds have stripped me of my personality. 644 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:41,000 I lost best friends. 645 00:35:41,780 --> 00:35:46,040 One of my best friends who was like a best friend of mine for like eight years. 646 00:35:46,340 --> 00:35:48,160 She couldn't handle it anymore. Yeah. 647 00:35:48,190 --> 00:35:49,800 Most of my friends honestly weren't really, 648 00:35:50,240 --> 00:35:51,840 a lot of them weren't really there for me during that time. 649 00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:56,160 I forgive them because I was not me. 650 00:35:56,500 --> 00:35:59,480 And it was getting really hard. Like it had been. Well. 651 00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:02,240 You carried quite a burden on your own too, I feel like. 652 00:36:02,500 --> 00:36:06,640 Of course. But like I, you know, so my and my ex was kind of, 653 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:11,840 I was still leaning on him really heavily because we just had become so 654 00:36:12,140 --> 00:36:13,160 trauma bonded. 655 00:36:13,300 --> 00:36:17,400 But like he was ready to move on and I was like, 656 00:36:17,720 --> 00:36:22,080 I can't do this without you. And it just started getting really unhealthy. 657 00:36:22,170 --> 00:36:27,000 Which like, God, if I could go back and change things, 658 00:36:27,240 --> 00:36:29,240 I would, you know, I can't. 659 00:36:29,420 --> 00:36:34,040 And we both really care about each other still. 660 00:36:34,100 --> 00:36:37,880 And like, I hope he doesn't hate me. I don't think he does, you know. 661 00:36:38,020 --> 00:36:43,000 But we basically agreed to go no contact for a year a couple months 662 00:36:43,020 --> 00:36:46,200 ago after my brain surgery. And it's been really good for me. 663 00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:48,440 Getting trauma bonded to somebody is not a joke. 664 00:36:49,390 --> 00:36:54,320 Like if you go through really hard shit and you go through it with somebody, 665 00:36:54,700 --> 00:36:57,640 my brain was like, you cannot do this without him. 666 00:36:57,860 --> 00:37:02,480 And I met my current therapist in March of this year. This was, 667 00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:04,560 I don't know, a really profound moment for me. 668 00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:08,880 Like I was crying to her and I was like, I can't like live without him. 669 00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:13,000 I can't do this without him. And she said, you can, 670 00:37:13,780 --> 00:37:18,320 you just don't want to but you can. And like that kind of, I don't, 671 00:37:18,620 --> 00:37:22,080 it honestly kinda shifted my perspective a little bit. 672 00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:26,880 I actually do have a choice here. Even though my brain was telling me like, no, 673 00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:29,920 you're gonna die without him. Things got really rough. Yeah. Like I said, 674 00:37:29,940 --> 00:37:31,280 if I could go back in time I would. 675 00:37:31,420 --> 00:37:35,520 But I'm very grateful for how much he was there for me during that. 676 00:37:35,820 --> 00:37:40,240 And just anybody that was there for me. 'cause I know it was hard and yeah, 677 00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:42,360 I lost a fair amount of people from my life. 678 00:37:43,240 --> 00:37:44,960 Sickness is hard for people. It's. 679 00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:47,240 Really hard. My personality changed. 680 00:37:47,430 --> 00:37:50,320 That was like in 2022 'cause of the meds, 681 00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:53,040 I became like I wasn't me anymore. 682 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:56,960 I didn't have like a light in my eyes anymore. I didn't have like, 683 00:37:58,070 --> 00:38:02,840 like a sense of humor. I like, I was just like a shell. And yeah. 684 00:38:03,020 --> 00:38:06,400 And also people go through their own stuff too. We were in a pandemic. 685 00:38:06,990 --> 00:38:08,360 Totally. And people forgot. 686 00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:10,200 How to human in a lot of ways. Yeah. 687 00:38:10,220 --> 00:38:15,200 And I didn't have the energy or space really to be supportive. No. 688 00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:16,560 Towards my friends. You. 689 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:17,960 Shouldn't have had to have been. Well. 690 00:38:18,220 --> 00:38:22,240 But what you're saying is, is true is they were going through stuff too. 691 00:38:22,380 --> 00:38:26,520 Mm-hmm . But I couldn't be there for them. And like I wish I could. 692 00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:30,320 I was just trying to survive the day. Totally. I was just like, 693 00:38:30,440 --> 00:38:32,440 I don't wanna be on this planet anymore. 694 00:38:32,590 --> 00:38:34,400 Like if this is what my life's gonna be. 695 00:38:35,060 --> 00:38:39,400 So then thankfully I met my current 696 00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:41,640 neurologist, his name is Dr. Kuznick. 697 00:38:42,420 --> 00:38:47,320 And this was actually like four days after I attempted suicide for the second 698 00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:50,320 time. And my parents were like, come on, let's, like we got, 699 00:38:50,340 --> 00:38:54,600 we heard good things about him. He's at Lennox Hill, let's just go see him. 700 00:38:55,460 --> 00:38:59,440 And we went and he was like, oh my god, 701 00:38:59,670 --> 00:39:03,400 this is not working. You need to get off these meds. This is insane. 702 00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:06,600 They're not even stopping your seizures. You're trying to kill yourself. 703 00:39:06,990 --> 00:39:10,800 What the fuck? I don't know why any doctor did this to you, 704 00:39:11,540 --> 00:39:15,120 but we're getting you off of these and you're totally a candidate for brain 705 00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:17,520 surgery. I have absolutely no idea what they were talking about. 706 00:39:17,740 --> 00:39:21,400 In January, 2023, I went into the hospital for like, 707 00:39:22,700 --> 00:39:23,533 um, 708 00:39:23,660 --> 00:39:28,000 10 days and they took me off the meds while having me on an e E G. 709 00:39:28,540 --> 00:39:33,400 And I had a seizure, which was what they wanted. Not a grand mal, 710 00:39:33,420 --> 00:39:36,560 but they saw that it was coming from my left temporal lobe. 711 00:39:37,140 --> 00:39:42,120 We started kind of prepping for brain surgery tests and the 712 00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:45,920 withdrawal from the meds was rough. But about three weeks in, 713 00:39:46,740 --> 00:39:49,800 my parents were like, whoa, you're like you again. 714 00:39:50,220 --> 00:39:53,480 And it was like I was seeing my friends and they were like, oh my god. 715 00:39:53,900 --> 00:39:55,520 And I'm so much more me now. 716 00:39:55,630 --> 00:40:00,120 Like then I was still like really dealing with 717 00:40:00,370 --> 00:40:04,080 everything. And this was a funny thing that my surgeon said. He, 718 00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:08,400 I think this was before the second surgery. 719 00:40:08,720 --> 00:40:11,240 'cause the first surgery was this thing called an S E E G, 720 00:40:11,240 --> 00:40:14,720 which is actually torture and I would wish it on nobody. 721 00:40:15,390 --> 00:40:18,760 It's an intracranial E E g. Basically they put you to sleep, 722 00:40:19,050 --> 00:40:21,440 drill like 13 holes into your brain, 723 00:40:21,860 --> 00:40:26,640 put electrodes in there and then you have to stay in a bed for like two weeks. 724 00:40:27,500 --> 00:40:32,040 Not, not even allowed to get up to pee torture. And it's very painful. 725 00:40:32,540 --> 00:40:36,760 But the reason they do it is so they can see exactly where the seizures are 726 00:40:36,760 --> 00:40:37,140 coming from. 727 00:40:37,140 --> 00:40:41,000 And I had a big seizure while I was there and they saw that it was coming from 728 00:40:41,820 --> 00:40:43,640 my hippocampus. And the thing is, 729 00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:46,160 so there's different options for epilepsy brain surgery, 730 00:40:46,350 --> 00:40:49,280 like the most successful one. 731 00:40:49,940 --> 00:40:53,280 But like biggest deal is them taking out a piece of your brain, 732 00:40:53,490 --> 00:40:55,240 which I know a couple of people who have had that. 733 00:40:55,500 --> 00:40:58,040 But when they discovered it was in my hippocampus, they were like, 734 00:40:58,660 --> 00:41:00,560 if we take out a part of your hippocampus, 735 00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:04,720 there's like a 90% chance you're not gonna have any short-term memory function. 736 00:41:05,180 --> 00:41:08,000 And I was like, no. Like I'm not doing that. 737 00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:12,910 Obviously there's lasering but they didn't have a good 738 00:41:13,340 --> 00:41:16,510 spot and they wanted to do another S E E G and my doctor was like, no, 739 00:41:16,690 --> 00:41:20,070 no we're not putting her through this again. We decided on the R N Ss, 740 00:41:20,120 --> 00:41:20,990 which I have now, 741 00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:25,270 which is a responsive neurostimulator and it's basically, 742 00:41:25,740 --> 00:41:27,910 it's like this big that's. 743 00:41:27,910 --> 00:41:31,710 What, four inches? Mm three inches? Yeah. I'm not good with that kind of thing. 744 00:41:31,870 --> 00:41:33,480 I don't know. I have no idea. Size. 745 00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:35,160 Of an okay symbol of your hand. 746 00:41:35,790 --> 00:41:39,040 Yeah, a little bit bigger. Yeah. So they have to, you know, 747 00:41:39,420 --> 00:41:44,360 on July 6th was my surgery and they have to cut out a piece of your skull and 748 00:41:44,620 --> 00:41:48,960 put it in there and they drill in like a couple holes to put 749 00:41:49,700 --> 00:41:54,600 two different electrodes in that will be sending electric signals like shocks 750 00:41:54,700 --> 00:41:55,533 and stuff. 751 00:41:55,740 --> 00:41:57,120 Are you awake during this procedure? 752 00:41:57,310 --> 00:42:00,440 Hell no. That is such like a myth. And people ask me that all the time. 753 00:42:00,500 --> 00:42:03,160 People always think that you're awake during brain surgery. 754 00:42:03,300 --> 00:42:05,640 That's like very rare. Is it the. 755 00:42:05,640 --> 00:42:07,360 Only time it's always on tv. They're like, all right, 756 00:42:07,460 --> 00:42:09,520 say the alphabet and they're drilling away on something. 757 00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:14,240 The only time you're like awake during brain surgery is if they're working on 758 00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:17,720 something that is your language center for this. No, hell no. 759 00:42:17,750 --> 00:42:20,520 They knew where it was gonna be put. Like they weren't taking out anything. 760 00:42:20,900 --> 00:42:23,920 So what they just put it, lay it down on top of the brain. 761 00:42:23,980 --> 00:42:25,960 Mm-hmm stick the little stickies in there. 762 00:42:26,750 --> 00:42:30,600 Well like they go deep. Those go deep in. Yeah. It's like wires. 763 00:42:30,940 --> 00:42:32,640 How do you wrap 764 00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:38,920 yourself around the concept of all of this? 765 00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:42,440 Somebody's rooting around in your cranium, 766 00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:45,600 plucking little wires here and there. 767 00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:51,400 I was so desperate at this point to get 768 00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:54,680 away from anything with the medications that I was like, I don't even care. 769 00:42:54,830 --> 00:42:58,520 Just do it. And I would do anything to get these seizures to stop. So, 770 00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:01,840 and I honestly had so many surgeries at that point. I had, 771 00:43:01,840 --> 00:43:06,800 I've had 13 in the past couple years that I was used 772 00:43:06,800 --> 00:43:09,600 to it to like a disturbing degree. Mm-hmm . 773 00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:11,840 Like I would just give my arm and I was like, yeah, whatever. 774 00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:14,280 And just like put the IV in and give me propofol. Like, 775 00:43:14,280 --> 00:43:16,880 and the amount of times that I've had to go through opiate withdrawal, 776 00:43:17,190 --> 00:43:22,120 like so bad, so bad because I had to be on pain meds obviously. 777 00:43:22,820 --> 00:43:24,960 But then I would end up being on Dilaudid, 778 00:43:24,970 --> 00:43:29,200 which is very strong for like three weeks. And the. 779 00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:30,033 Drug of poets. 780 00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:33,680 . Yeah. That, that drug is crazy. Yeah. I don't know. 781 00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:37,320 I think that I just kind of had to pretend it wasn't happening. 782 00:43:37,520 --> 00:43:40,440 I just had to kind of be in, I don't know. 783 00:43:40,580 --> 00:43:45,360 The only way is kind of just to be like, okay, this is happening. I'm doing it. 784 00:43:45,630 --> 00:43:45,990 Like. 785 00:43:45,990 --> 00:43:50,640 This device in your brain anticipates when your brain's gonna have a seizure. 786 00:43:50,740 --> 00:43:51,760 How does it work? So. 787 00:43:51,900 --> 00:43:55,800 It sends like, um, an electric shock. It's basically, 788 00:43:55,870 --> 00:43:58,800 it's a neuromodulation device. It's trying to retrain the brain. 789 00:43:59,380 --> 00:44:03,800 So anytime it's seeing like a spike in my brainwaves, in my hippocampus, 790 00:44:03,800 --> 00:44:07,360 it's like sending a shock. It's like, hey, stop. Don't do that. Is. 791 00:44:07,360 --> 00:44:10,600 It? This is gonna be a dumbass question. Is it battery operated? 792 00:44:10,900 --> 00:44:13,400 Yes. I have to get the battery changed in like four years, 793 00:44:13,900 --> 00:44:17,280 but that's not as big of a deal 'cause they don't need to like take out my skull 794 00:44:17,490 --> 00:44:18,840 again. How. 795 00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:19,680 Do they change the battery? 796 00:44:19,830 --> 00:44:24,040 They just open the skin and put in a new one. Okay. So that's, 797 00:44:24,070 --> 00:44:25,520 it's not a big deal. So. 798 00:44:25,580 --> 00:44:26,180 Badass. 799 00:44:26,180 --> 00:44:27,880 No . It's not like big. 800 00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:29,160 A bionic woman over here. 801 00:44:29,390 --> 00:44:34,160 Yeah, no, I, I like am a cyborg. Which is, which is wild. 802 00:44:34,510 --> 00:44:34,860 Yeah. 803 00:44:34,860 --> 00:44:38,240 And it's on the lowest setting right now 'cause they have to turn it up slowly. 804 00:44:38,240 --> 00:44:41,320 Otherwise the opposite effect will happen. Which is like, 805 00:44:42,180 --> 00:44:46,760 it can shock you into having a seizure. It's not a quick fix. It's a, 806 00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:51,720 after one year people usually it's like an average of 70% decrease 807 00:44:51,740 --> 00:44:55,680 in seizures after two. It's like 83% after three. 808 00:44:55,830 --> 00:44:59,480 It's like 87%. Like it keeps getting better and better. 809 00:44:59,740 --> 00:45:03,640 And what I really like about the R N Ss is it's reversible, you know, 810 00:45:03,690 --> 00:45:07,280 brain surgery where you get a piece taken out. Like once that's out, that's out. 811 00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:10,480 There's no going back. The R N Ss has only been around 10 years. 812 00:45:10,750 --> 00:45:13,080 There's like only 10,000 people that have it. 813 00:45:13,500 --> 00:45:17,000 And I actually have a matching tattoo with one of those people whose name is 814 00:45:17,030 --> 00:45:21,640 Deandra and she is amazing. She's the one that has the ocular or it's, 815 00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:22,840 it's in her occipital lobe. 816 00:45:22,940 --> 00:45:27,600 We got this 'cause like lightning for lightning McQueen and like 817 00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:31,440 shocking. And we also can't drive. So we were like, that's hilarious. You know, 818 00:45:31,630 --> 00:45:34,720 there's still so much research happening, 819 00:45:34,910 --> 00:45:39,840 just like medical research in general right now is like accelerating 820 00:45:40,460 --> 00:45:41,560 at a very fast pace. 821 00:45:41,620 --> 00:45:46,520 So like we don't know what the epilepsy treatment is gonna be in 822 00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:49,040 10 years. 'cause 10 years ago this didn't even exist. Brain. 823 00:45:49,060 --> 00:45:50,280 Is deep space. I, 824 00:45:50,440 --> 00:45:54,760 I look to the brain as a is akin to deep space in the universe. 825 00:45:54,990 --> 00:45:59,920 Yeah, it's it's very crazy. I have hope that in like, 826 00:46:00,740 --> 00:46:05,160 you know, 10 years there's gonna be, that will definitely be different stuff. 827 00:46:05,260 --> 00:46:09,720 And who knows like I, you know, and right now, like I had, 828 00:46:10,080 --> 00:46:14,600 I had two seizures last week. They weren't gram mal seizures, but you know, 829 00:46:14,660 --> 00:46:16,120 I'm already noticing the benefits. 830 00:46:16,360 --> 00:46:19,680 'cause like in the past after a seizure I would be really depressed and tired 831 00:46:19,820 --> 00:46:20,840 for like three, four days. 832 00:46:21,340 --> 00:46:25,640 But last week the two seizures I had the next day I was totally fine. 833 00:46:26,250 --> 00:46:30,760 Which was nice. And I downloaded it onto a computer every night. 834 00:46:31,240 --> 00:46:36,040 I have like a wand and a laptop and I like download like I put the 835 00:46:36,040 --> 00:46:40,200 wand on my head and then I like send it to them via an ethernet cable 836 00:46:40,860 --> 00:46:44,600 so my doctor can see it is recording 24 7. 837 00:46:44,700 --> 00:46:49,360 My doctor can see 24 7 ba It's basically a 24 7 e e g 838 00:46:49,540 --> 00:46:53,280 in your brain that also like sends shock signals. 839 00:46:53,420 --> 00:46:54,640 No one can ever kidnap you. 840 00:46:55,960 --> 00:46:57,040 I don't know. You're. 841 00:46:57,040 --> 00:46:58,280 Tracked. You can be tracked. 842 00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:02,640 I don't know if it has like a location thing. Hmm. 843 00:47:02,780 --> 00:47:06,200 Unless I had the computer. Maybe, but I don't, I don't, 844 00:47:06,230 --> 00:47:09,560 that would be ridiculous if it was like a chip, like a cat or something. Yeah, 845 00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:09,800 when. 846 00:47:09,800 --> 00:47:13,280 It's like a little apple, there's a little tile is in there. . 847 00:47:13,680 --> 00:47:15,760 I don't think they have a tracker in it that would, 848 00:47:15,880 --> 00:47:18,960 I mean that wouldn't be like a terrible idea for like family members to have. 849 00:47:19,100 --> 00:47:23,280 But no, I think that would be a little weird. That'd be a little too far. Yeah, 850 00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:24,113 that wouldn't be great. 851 00:47:24,120 --> 00:47:28,200 I mean I let my parents obviously have my location and whatnot. I mean, 852 00:47:28,200 --> 00:47:32,640 just before I got to la literally less than 20, less than 48 hours before, 853 00:47:32,780 --> 00:47:36,280 you know, song set jets. Yeah. I was at the one in New York. 854 00:47:36,840 --> 00:47:41,520 I played it in August. It was great. And two days before I came here, 855 00:47:41,640 --> 00:47:46,200 I was at the one in New York and I was watching my friend perform 856 00:47:46,540 --> 00:47:51,240 and next thing I knew there was people standing over me and an ambulance 857 00:47:51,240 --> 00:47:55,480 called and I had had a pretty bad grand mal seizure and I like smacked my head 858 00:47:55,480 --> 00:47:59,560 on the floor. And now I have a concussion, which I've never had. 859 00:48:00,060 --> 00:48:02,240 And I, you know, coming to LA for the month, 860 00:48:02,320 --> 00:48:04,040 I really wanted to do a lot of songwriting. 861 00:48:04,140 --> 00:48:08,000 But honestly a really big part of the past of the work I've been doing in 862 00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:13,000 therapy this year is radical acceptance and just like 863 00:48:13,050 --> 00:48:17,120 practicing anything. Like I'm getting a lot better at it and just, 864 00:48:17,870 --> 00:48:20,520 I've been okay while I've been here this month because I'm like, you know what, 865 00:48:21,350 --> 00:48:25,600 like I haven't really been able to song write this month 'cause my brain is just 866 00:48:25,820 --> 00:48:28,880 not really up for it. And that doesn't mean that like, 867 00:48:29,770 --> 00:48:30,970 I can't song write ever again. 868 00:48:31,110 --> 00:48:35,930 It doesn't mean like if I move here when I'm 28 or 29, 869 00:48:36,190 --> 00:48:39,610 it doesn't matter. There's no How old are you now? No, I'm 27. I just turned 27. 870 00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:41,690 There's no time limit. 871 00:48:42,750 --> 00:48:45,410 And it's really, you know, 872 00:48:46,010 --> 00:48:49,570 tomorrow's three months from the brain surgery. Like it has not been that long. 873 00:48:50,130 --> 00:48:53,770 I definitely have seen how like pushing myself 874 00:48:55,150 --> 00:48:59,370 is filled with consequences when I push myself for a couple days. 875 00:48:59,450 --> 00:49:04,290 I feel like really terrible after. And like Ill, and like, 876 00:49:04,290 --> 00:49:07,690 like literally yesterday I laid in bed all day and today before you came. 877 00:49:07,890 --> 00:49:09,130 'cause I was like, okay, 878 00:49:09,130 --> 00:49:12,250 I know I'm gonna have this so I need to like mentally prepare by like doing 879 00:49:12,250 --> 00:49:15,090 literally nothing. Yeah. I was diagnosed with, 880 00:49:15,090 --> 00:49:19,330 with P T S D like a couple months ago, which understandably, 881 00:49:19,330 --> 00:49:21,290 which obviously . I'd. 882 00:49:21,290 --> 00:49:22,370 Be shocked if you didn't have that. 883 00:49:22,470 --> 00:49:23,303 No, that'd be weird. 884 00:49:23,390 --> 00:49:25,450 Is it, is it disrespectful to say shocked. 885 00:49:25,930 --> 00:49:30,370 ? No. . I didn't, no, I love that. I love a good pun . Um, 886 00:49:31,110 --> 00:49:35,970 but yeah, I, I had, I remember I'd said to my surgeon, I was like, 887 00:49:36,090 --> 00:49:40,450 I feel like I have, I'm gonna like have like I have P T S D and he, he said, 888 00:49:40,630 --> 00:49:44,970 Lauren, you don't even have P T S D yet. Like you're still in the T S D. 889 00:49:45,350 --> 00:49:48,570 He was like, you're not in the post yet. Yeah. Like it's, 890 00:49:48,630 --> 00:49:49,970 you're not even there yet. Yeah. 891 00:49:49,990 --> 00:49:54,650 And like honestly he was right because like I was living in survival mode and 892 00:49:54,650 --> 00:49:56,130 then two months ago, 893 00:49:56,360 --> 00:50:01,210 kind of once I was out of the surgery and going up these nightmares 894 00:50:01,210 --> 00:50:03,210 have started that like, you know, 895 00:50:03,210 --> 00:50:07,730 it's the stereotypical P T S D thing of having like the same two 896 00:50:07,730 --> 00:50:09,170 nightmares like over and over. 897 00:50:09,960 --> 00:50:14,730 It's either I'm like trapped in a hospital and like locked 898 00:50:14,790 --> 00:50:19,170 in a hospital room and like no one can hear me. Or I'm like, 899 00:50:19,590 --> 00:50:20,450 the other one is like, 900 00:50:20,510 --> 00:50:24,530 I'm being sent to like some sort of rehab place and everybody thinks I'm crazy 901 00:50:24,670 --> 00:50:27,050 and no one will listen to me that it's the epilepsy med. 902 00:50:27,120 --> 00:50:30,160 And I had a dream the other night that I was like locked away in like a jail 903 00:50:30,350 --> 00:50:32,720 kind of thing. And when I wake up from those dreams, 904 00:50:32,830 --> 00:50:37,120 it's incredibly distressing. It takes me like an hour to kind of like be like, 905 00:50:37,120 --> 00:50:39,320 okay, that's not real. Like that's not happening anymore. 906 00:50:39,660 --> 00:50:43,640 And also recently my anxiety levels have been bananas. 907 00:50:44,150 --> 00:50:48,880 It's really annoying. And yeah, I'll be like to my therapist or psychiatrist, 908 00:50:49,180 --> 00:50:53,160 I'm like, I don't know why I'm so anxious recently. Like, ugh. And they're like, 909 00:50:53,390 --> 00:50:56,760 what do you mean? It would be weird if you didn't have anxiety right now. 910 00:50:57,200 --> 00:51:00,120 I would be freaked out if you didn't have anxiety right now the thing about 911 00:51:00,400 --> 00:51:03,400 epilepsy is just, it is not predictable. Yeah. 912 00:51:04,580 --> 00:51:07,200 So right now I'm having a lot of anxiety every day of like, 913 00:51:07,750 --> 00:51:11,840 when am I gonna have another huge seizure? They, my doctor, 914 00:51:12,040 --> 00:51:13,520 I spoke to her the other day and she was like, okay, 915 00:51:13,520 --> 00:51:17,520 it's time to turn up the device because you're like having a lot of seizures. 916 00:51:17,980 --> 00:51:20,160 So when I go back to New York, we're gonna turn it up, 917 00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:23,320 which they basically just like put a wand over it and they're like, 918 00:51:23,320 --> 00:51:25,240 they like click a button and they're like, okay. 919 00:51:25,500 --> 00:51:27,440 Oh that's nice. They don't have to get in there. Yeah. Oh. 920 00:51:27,440 --> 00:51:30,880 My god. Hell no. No. That'd be fricking crazy. Like put a zipper up there. 921 00:51:31,070 --> 00:51:34,120 Hell no. No. Um, but. 922 00:51:34,340 --> 00:51:36,720 And your hair's growing back, although it looks super cute short. 923 00:51:36,720 --> 00:51:41,080 Yeah, you know, it's kind grown on me. Um, you. 924 00:51:41,080 --> 00:51:43,320 Kind of have a Sarah McLaughlin nineties vibe. 925 00:51:43,760 --> 00:51:45,480 , so I was wearing a wig a lot. 926 00:51:45,820 --> 00:51:49,360 But honestly and I'm sure he'll end up listening to this podcast, 927 00:51:49,580 --> 00:51:50,680 but I've told him this, this, 928 00:51:51,110 --> 00:51:55,760 I've been hanging out with a guy while I've been here first thing since having 929 00:51:55,760 --> 00:51:58,520 that long relationship and it's been really good for me. 930 00:51:58,660 --> 00:52:03,120 And honestly he has really helped me get comfortable with his hair because 931 00:52:03,860 --> 00:52:05,680 one of my biggest worries with it was like, 932 00:52:05,940 --> 00:52:08,240 no guy is gonna be attracted to me with this hair. 933 00:52:09,020 --> 00:52:13,480 And on our first date I wore a wig and then the second time we hung out I was 934 00:52:13,480 --> 00:52:16,360 like, I don't feel like wearing this like five pound wool hat right now. 935 00:52:16,860 --> 00:52:21,640 And he was like, I don't care. And he was like, you look beautiful. What? 936 00:52:21,710 --> 00:52:25,800 Someone can be attracted to me and interested in me like with this hair. 937 00:52:26,380 --> 00:52:30,200 And it, it kind of changed things. I haven't really put a wig on since hanging. 938 00:52:30,310 --> 00:52:30,600 Good. 939 00:52:30,600 --> 00:52:31,440 You look beautiful. Thank. 940 00:52:31,440 --> 00:52:33,120 You. He's not the only one that thinks that , 941 00:52:33,260 --> 00:52:36,200 but I'm a I appreciate the fact that you said so. Yeah. 942 00:52:36,260 --> 00:52:37,200 It just kind of. 943 00:52:37,780 --> 00:52:39,360 But I get it. I get that it was, 944 00:52:39,510 --> 00:52:44,440 it's gotta be bizarre to go from having your hair to suddenly having no 945 00:52:44,440 --> 00:52:46,200 hair then to have to Oh, very upsetting. 946 00:52:46,340 --> 00:52:48,920 And femininity in this culture is wrapped. No, that's. 947 00:52:48,920 --> 00:52:49,240 Wrapped. 948 00:52:49,240 --> 00:52:50,200 Wrapped up in hairs. What I. 949 00:52:50,200 --> 00:52:51,520 With and I, what's, 950 00:52:51,520 --> 00:52:55,880 what's been interesting is I honestly didn't really use to wear makeup much, 951 00:52:56,020 --> 00:53:00,040 but I've been wearing it every day because your eyes look great. Thank you. 952 00:53:00,150 --> 00:53:00,560 I've gotten, 953 00:53:00,560 --> 00:53:02,920 I've gotten better at the wing letter 'cause I'm been doing it every day. 954 00:53:02,920 --> 00:53:04,720 Gonna teach me how to do that. Oh my god, it looks really good. My. 955 00:53:04,720 --> 00:53:05,640 God, . But, um, 956 00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:11,000 I just find that it helps me connect to my femininity a little bit and helps 957 00:53:11,060 --> 00:53:15,240 me feel better about my day and stuff. Like when I don't wear makeup, 958 00:53:15,480 --> 00:53:19,560 I feel like I kind of look like a young boy, which is fine. 959 00:53:20,180 --> 00:53:22,920 My femininity definitely is something that's important to me, 960 00:53:22,920 --> 00:53:26,680 which there's nothing wrong with that. I like feeling like a girl. Absolutely. 961 00:53:26,700 --> 00:53:30,160 You know, and definitely cutting the hair, I was like, oh my God, 962 00:53:30,240 --> 00:53:34,560 I look like a fricking egg. Yeah. It's getting to a better length now. 963 00:53:34,560 --> 00:53:38,960 Like it looks, it looks purposeful. Before it was kind of like, 964 00:53:39,460 --> 00:53:44,200 the scar was like really visible and like, it was kind of like a patchy, 965 00:53:44,230 --> 00:53:45,840 like buzz cut going on. 966 00:53:45,980 --> 00:53:50,840 But I I've had multiple people approaching me. I love your hair. 967 00:53:51,160 --> 00:53:55,680 Hmm. And I'm like, you know, it was not a choice, but thank you. Anyways. Yeah. 968 00:53:55,680 --> 00:53:58,520 And I, I have a couple friends including Roger, who are like, no, 969 00:53:58,540 --> 00:54:01,360 you never grow it out. You have to keep it like this forever. 970 00:54:01,670 --> 00:54:04,920 It's super cute. But upkeep on short hair. I had hair very, 971 00:54:04,920 --> 00:54:07,640 very short at one time and really, and I loved it, 972 00:54:07,700 --> 00:54:09,320 but the upkeep is a pain in the ass. 973 00:54:09,420 --> 00:54:11,480 Oh. I feel like this is the easiest hair I've ever had. 974 00:54:11,480 --> 00:54:13,880 Yeah. I had to cut my hair every three weeks it felt like. Oh. 975 00:54:13,900 --> 00:54:15,480 To make it stay in shape. 976 00:54:15,690 --> 00:54:20,120 Right. Well that's fair. But the everyday care is so minor. 977 00:54:20,580 --> 00:54:23,800 Oh, for sure. I just put a little gel on it and I'm like, okay, . Yeah. 978 00:54:24,220 --> 00:54:25,280 I'm, I'm really interested. 979 00:54:25,640 --> 00:54:29,760 I think it'll be fun kind of to see like the different phases of growth. 980 00:54:30,430 --> 00:54:31,080 Like it'll, 981 00:54:31,080 --> 00:54:34,480 when it gets like more a little bit moldy and then it'll be kind of like. 982 00:54:34,670 --> 00:54:35,720 Pigtail time, like a. 983 00:54:35,720 --> 00:54:40,560 Like a short bob kind of thing. Mm-hmm. But the other night I performed, um, 984 00:54:40,780 --> 00:54:44,720 at writer's block and I played on a stage without a wig for the first time, 985 00:54:45,410 --> 00:54:48,560 which was a big step to get up there with this hair, 986 00:54:48,560 --> 00:54:50,960 which just feels like so vulnerable. 987 00:54:51,560 --> 00:54:53,760 I felt good for some reason when I'm wearing a wig, 988 00:54:54,040 --> 00:54:58,400 I feel like I'm not being genuine, even though that's not really true. Like, 989 00:54:58,580 --> 00:55:02,080 we don't realize like celebrities are wearing wigs in like literally everything. 990 00:55:02,080 --> 00:55:04,680 Mm-hmm. true. Like, we don't know. And it's, 991 00:55:04,680 --> 00:55:07,280 or they either have extensions, like none of them, it's not, 992 00:55:07,670 --> 00:55:10,280 they don't all just have magically like thick, long hair. 993 00:55:10,390 --> 00:55:11,000 Hair. No. 994 00:55:11,000 --> 00:55:14,000 'cause they've been beating their hair to death for years and so most of them 995 00:55:14,020 --> 00:55:15,440 are probably thinning. Oh. 996 00:55:15,440 --> 00:55:20,360 Yeah. Honestly, neither have wigs or whatever, but yeah, I don't know. But I'm, 997 00:55:20,380 --> 00:55:24,520 you know, I'm finally playing music again. And let's talk about the. 998 00:55:24,520 --> 00:55:25,353 Kickstarter. 999 00:55:25,540 --> 00:55:28,560 Yes. Yeah. You know, I was, 1000 00:55:29,200 --> 00:55:32,200 I like honestly never thought I would do one and it's for. 1001 00:55:32,200 --> 00:55:33,033 A record. 1002 00:55:33,220 --> 00:55:37,920 Yes. I have a lot of songs that I've written since, you know, 1003 00:55:37,920 --> 00:55:42,520 2019 that I really love and I've wanted to put out music for a long time. 1004 00:55:43,540 --> 00:55:46,640 But, you know, I got really, really sick and it just, 1005 00:55:46,660 --> 00:55:50,000 the time I kept getting more sick and more sick and it was just not happening. 1006 00:55:50,140 --> 00:55:54,120 And like before brain surgery, I was just like, after this, like, 1007 00:55:54,200 --> 00:55:57,840 I am recording an album. Like I want to put these songs out there. 1008 00:55:58,020 --> 00:56:01,520 I'm not letting this destroy my life anymore. 1009 00:56:01,660 --> 00:56:04,240 I'm not letting this disability stop me from like, 1010 00:56:06,130 --> 00:56:10,360 continuing with my passion and the thing that I love. And I, yeah. 1011 00:56:10,420 --> 00:56:14,720 So I felt kind of weird about doing it and I still feel a little weird. It's, 1012 00:56:14,720 --> 00:56:17,680 it's a little un it's so uncomfortable asking people for money. You know, 1013 00:56:18,080 --> 00:56:21,640 I haven't been able to work for years, so I haven't been able to save up. 1014 00:56:21,860 --> 00:56:25,840 And I was like, you know what? I have been through enough. 1015 00:56:26,310 --> 00:56:30,640 This is okay, I can do this. And I posted on my birthday, 1016 00:56:30,640 --> 00:56:34,960 which was October 1st, and the first day was insane. 1017 00:56:35,140 --> 00:56:37,720 It got up to like 8,000 out of 20,000, 1018 00:56:37,720 --> 00:56:42,040 which was the the best birthday gift ever. 1019 00:56:42,100 --> 00:56:46,560 And made me feel really supported and like, 1020 00:56:46,560 --> 00:56:51,360 people are excited to hear my music and I'm so excited to share it. 1021 00:56:51,960 --> 00:56:54,320 I already kind of have the producers that I'm gonna be working with, 1022 00:56:54,500 --> 00:56:57,680 and one of them is in Nashville and one of them is in New York. 1023 00:56:57,780 --> 00:57:02,320 And who do you have in Nashville? Um, her name's Elise Hugo. She's great. 1024 00:57:02,490 --> 00:57:06,320 She's really great. And this guy Colin Rowe in Brooklyn, who, 1025 00:57:06,320 --> 00:57:08,600 he actually just moved from Nashville. 1026 00:57:09,020 --> 00:57:13,120 The person that is going to master it has done like little big town stuff like 1027 00:57:13,120 --> 00:57:15,440 that. So it, it's, I'm really excited. 1028 00:57:15,670 --> 00:57:17,240 Well tell people how they find you. 1029 00:57:18,320 --> 00:57:22,320 I guess maybe the best place right now is Instagram, which is just my name, uh, 1030 00:57:22,320 --> 00:57:24,680 Lauren Reiner, r e i n e r. 1031 00:57:25,070 --> 00:57:27,920 They can reach me on email at lauren 1032 00:57:28,160 --> 00:57:32,800 reiner@gmail.com. And yeah, I mean, 1033 00:57:32,860 --> 00:57:36,880 I'm on the, you know, normal socials like TikTok, Facebook, blah, blah, blah. 1034 00:57:37,180 --> 00:57:41,200 But I would say that I do the most posting on, on Instagram. And. 1035 00:57:41,200 --> 00:57:44,320 Your Kickstarter is accessible through. 1036 00:57:44,740 --> 00:57:46,840 Yes, it is in the link in my bio. 1037 00:57:47,090 --> 00:57:47,790 Great. 1038 00:57:47,790 --> 00:57:48,460 Yeah. 1039 00:57:48,460 --> 00:57:49,320 Lauren, thank you. 1040 00:57:49,770 --> 00:57:52,400 Thank you for having me. , you're. 1041 00:57:52,400 --> 00:57:53,233 A trooper. 1042 00:57:53,480 --> 00:57:56,400 , thank you. I, I'm trying. 1043 00:57:56,920 --> 00:57:59,320 A lot of people wouldn't have survived all of that. 1044 00:57:59,870 --> 00:58:00,703 Yeah. 1045 00:58:01,360 --> 00:58:01,840 I. 1046 00:58:01,840 --> 00:58:03,760 I didn't think I would. I, you know. 1047 00:58:04,470 --> 00:58:09,280 Yeah. I just, I hope that you leave room to, to realize that about yourself. 1048 00:58:09,710 --> 00:58:10,680 Yeah. I, 1049 00:58:11,270 --> 00:58:15,720 I've been working on it and it's definitely been like the self appreciation 1050 00:58:16,100 --> 00:58:20,240 and respect has kind of gotten better as I've gotten a little bit further away. 1051 00:58:20,340 --> 00:58:23,960 I'm like, oh shit, actually, I'm like really strong for getting through this. 1052 00:58:24,110 --> 00:58:27,760 This is kind of insane. Yeah. Um, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. 1053 00:58:27,900 --> 00:58:30,440 I'm sure your family is thrilled. I'm glad you're still here. 1054 00:58:30,550 --> 00:58:32,600 Yeah, no, of course. Mm-hmm. 1055 00:58:32,640 --> 00:58:34,040 , welcome to your new life. 1056 00:58:34,680 --> 00:58:36,680 . Thank you. Thank you for having me. 1057 00:58:36,730 --> 00:58:39,760 Maybe get yourself a cute helmet so you don't get a concussion. 1058 00:58:39,760 --> 00:58:41,120 Oh yeah. I've honestly thought about that, 1059 00:58:41,220 --> 00:58:43,400 but I don't wanna walk around wearing a helmet. 1060 00:58:44,350 --> 00:58:47,320 Yeah. Maybe like a little plate inside the wig or something. 1061 00:58:47,380 --> 00:58:49,680 No, I was, I think there are beanies that have like 1062 00:58:51,270 --> 00:58:56,070 a helmet kind of insert, but I don't wanna be living in fear. I don't know. Oh. 1063 00:58:56,110 --> 00:59:00,270 I get that. You know, what about a service dog that is trained to smell your, 1064 00:59:00,460 --> 00:59:02,590 your chemistry changing before a seizure? 1065 00:59:03,420 --> 00:59:06,070 I've watched so many tos about those dogs. Yeah. 1066 00:59:06,140 --> 00:59:10,710 They're amazing. But I, it is a huge responsibility, 1067 00:59:11,260 --> 00:59:15,470 like huge to have a dog, obviously. And I'm not sure that I. 1068 00:59:16,090 --> 00:59:17,430 But they're supposed to be taking care of you. 1069 00:59:18,030 --> 00:59:20,670 I know, but you also have to take care of them. Of course. 1070 00:59:20,700 --> 00:59:25,280 Like going on like multiple walks a day and paying for food and like, you know, 1071 00:59:25,340 --> 00:59:29,530 I'm just like, I don't know if I, if if like, 1072 00:59:29,530 --> 00:59:34,210 if a dog genuinely could sniff like five minutes 1073 00:59:34,210 --> 00:59:36,890 before I was having a seizure, that would be incredible. That's what they do. 1074 00:59:37,090 --> 00:59:41,970 I don't know. I'll ask my doctor about it. I'll send you some tos. 1075 00:59:42,160 --> 00:59:45,970 Yeah, definitely send me some tos. I would love, I would love to see them. Yeah. 1076 00:59:46,000 --> 00:59:47,410 Yeah. All right, love. Thank you. 1077 00:59:47,770 --> 00:59:50,290 . And thank you for listening everybody. Bye. 1078 00:59:51,110 --> 00:59:51,943 Bye. . 1079 00:59:55,400 --> 00:59:57,370 Rate review and subscribe to Hey, 1080 00:59:57,370 --> 01:00:02,250 human podcast on iTunes or wherever you get your podcast. Thanks. Bye.