1
00:00:00,253 --> 00:00:07,000
The comedy4cast Network.
Let's dog ear that for now.

2
00:00:07,001 --> 00:00:17,360
Oh, hi! You're here! Welcome to the show. I'm
Clinton, and this is comedy4cast Episode 865.

3
00:00:17,361 --> 00:00:23,880
A Condensed-Space Odyssey. But before
that, a quick reminder that you can support

4
00:00:23,881 --> 00:00:29,600
this spunky little show by giving us a great
review, wherever you get your podcasts, or

5
00:00:29,601 --> 00:00:36,656
simply by sending this episode to a friend.
And thank you. Now, let's have some fun!

6
00:00:36,657 --> 00:00:41,360
♪ Opening Theme up and out ♪

7
00:00:41,361 --> 00:00:45,922
Hi Clinton here again. Inspired by the
Christopher Nolan film

8
00:00:45,923 --> 00:00:49,749
I've partnered with the Middling Fair
Footlights Theatrical Troupe and

9
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:54,768
Yacht Rock Revival Society to present
my own retelling of the sweeping tale

10
00:00:54,775 --> 00:01:00,594
of Homer's The Odyssey. After yesterday's
dress rehearsal, I thought the story

11
00:01:00,595 --> 00:01:06,296
needed to be condensed a bit more,
so I cut a few lines here and there.

12
00:01:06,297 --> 00:01:10,088
I'm sure the rest of the cast won't mind.

13
00:01:10,089 --> 00:01:15,640
So, without further ado, or
just a bit of ado, let's begin.

14
00:01:15,641 --> 00:01:21,263
First, some backstory. This whole thing
started in the previous story, The Iliad.

15
00:01:21,264 --> 00:01:25,085
That one's all about a beauty
contest gone horribly wrong

16
00:01:25,086 --> 00:01:28,440
that leads to a ten-year
war between the Achaeans,

17
00:01:28,441 --> 00:01:34,080
a group of kingdoms from what is now Greece,
and the forces of the Trojan Coalition at

18
00:01:34,081 --> 00:01:41,200
the walled city of Troy. Let's skip ahead.
After the beauty contest war is over, spoiler,

19
00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:46,279
Troy loses, the victors set sail for
their various kingdoms across the sea.

20
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:50,109
Meanwhile, on Mount Olympus,
Athena, the goddess of wisdom,

21
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,960
was teaming up with
Poseidon, the god of the

22
00:01:52,961 --> 00:02:00,680
sea, to ask Zeus, the king of the gods, to
mess with one of those war heroes, Odysseus.

23
00:02:00,681 --> 00:02:08,360
But Zeus was all, "Hold on a second. Isn't
Odysseus your favorite soldier?" "Like, yeah,

24
00:02:08,361 --> 00:02:11,732
but now I'm, like, ticked off at him."

25
00:02:11,733 --> 00:02:18,971
Guessing this would all blow over, Zeus
only agreed to stand Odysseus on an island.

26
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:23,524
After three years of torment at sea,
much more on that later,

27
00:02:23,525 --> 00:02:30,200
Odysseus washed up on that island and he was
met by a beautiful nymph named Calypso,

28
00:02:30,201 --> 00:02:37,240
who turned into a total Odysseus Stan. But
Odysseus was pining for his wife, Penelope,

29
00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:40,213
and his son, Telemachus,
who was just a young

30
00:02:40,214 --> 00:02:44,519
child when Odysseus left to
fight in the beauty contest war.

31
00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:47,790
All right, on to The Odyssey.

32
00:02:47,791 --> 00:02:49,023
[TRANSITION WHOOSH]

33
00:02:49,024 --> 00:02:53,981
It is now seven years later.
Athena has finally mellowed out.

34
00:02:53,982 --> 00:03:01,600
She goes back to Zeus and is all,
"Like, hey, can you just forget what

35
00:03:01,601 --> 00:03:11,840
I said before and let Odysseus go home?"
Zeus rolls his eyes and says, "Fine. Hermes,

36
00:03:11,841 --> 00:03:18,760
my messenger of the gods, go tell Calypso
to let Odysseus leave." Lovestruck Calypso

37
00:03:18,761 --> 00:03:27,800
does comply, but isn't thrilled. "I see.
So the male gods can do whatever they want.

38
00:03:27,801 --> 00:03:34,720
But Mount Olympus forbid a female nymph should
get some action." And with that, Odysseus

39
00:03:34,721 --> 00:03:41,880
is on a raft, setting sail for his home in
Ithaca. Ithaca in the Mediterranean, that

40
00:03:41,881 --> 00:03:47,760
is, not Ithaca, New York. That comes along
much, much later. Let's dog ear all of that

41
00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:54,854
for now because Athena disguised as a traveler
is visiting Odysseus's palace on Ithaca.

42
00:03:54,855 --> 00:03:59,638
And all is not well. Odysseus
has been presumed dead.

43
00:03:59,639 --> 00:04:03,301
His son, Prince
Telemachus, should be king.

44
00:04:03,302 --> 00:04:09,400
But without Odysseus there to help guide
the lad, Telemachus isn't really all that

45
00:04:09,401 --> 00:04:15,060
and a bag of pita chips, if you know what I
mean. So suitors from all over have come

46
00:04:15,061 --> 00:04:20,046
to the palace to vie for the hand
of Odysseus's wife, Penelope.

47
00:04:20,047 --> 00:04:23,709
One of those suitors,
Antinous, is the worst.

48
00:04:23,710 --> 00:04:29,880
Antinous. Even his name sounds like a
sinus infection. Anyway, Penelope tries

49
00:04:29,881 --> 00:04:35,840
to steer clear of these "losers" who've
made themselves feel right at home, eating all

50
00:04:35,841 --> 00:04:39,424
the food, drinking all
the wine, and constantly

51
00:04:39,425 --> 00:04:42,780
leaving the seat up.
Penelope says she can't

52
00:04:42,781 --> 00:04:49,000
pick a husband yet. She has to spend all her
time weaving a burial shroud for Odysseus's

53
00:04:49,001 --> 00:04:55,760
aging father, Laertes. Which can't really
be great news for Laertes, either. The suitors

54
00:04:55,761 --> 00:05:02,520
know they'll look like jerks. Okay, more
like jerks, if they don't let Penelope finish.

55
00:05:02,521 --> 00:05:09,440
Antinous says, "Fine, but once you're done,
Antinous says you have to choose Antinous.

56
00:05:09,441 --> 00:05:12,780
Um, that is, Antinous means one of us."

57
00:05:12,781 --> 00:05:17,380
Athena, still in disguise,
tells Telemachus to maybe

58
00:05:17,381 --> 00:05:23,560
man up and kick the parasites out, and
she drops a few hints that his dad, Odysseus,

59
00:05:23,561 --> 00:05:27,160
is still alive. Telemachus
confronts the suitors.

60
00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:33,117
And it's a disaster. Not only do they laugh
at him, that jerk Antinous reveals that the

61
00:05:33,118 --> 00:05:36,617
suitors now know that
Penelope has been tricking them.

62
00:05:36,618 --> 00:05:39,206
That shroud she spends
every day weaving?

63
00:05:39,207 --> 00:05:41,920
Every night, she's
been ripping out most of

64
00:05:41,921 --> 00:05:47,874
that day's work. Clever girl. "But
now Antinous Antinous say the jig is up.

65
00:05:47,875 --> 00:05:52,846
And once that shroud is done,
Penelope has to choose Antinous.

66
00:05:52,847 --> 00:05:56,829
Um, once again, Antinous
means one of us."

67
00:05:56,830 --> 00:05:59,221
Telemachus can't fix this alone.

68
00:05:59,222 --> 00:06:04,489
He decides to set sail for the mainland to
see if that mysterious stranger was right.

69
00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:10,600
"Hey, maybe my dad is still alive!"
He arrives on the shore of Pylos, where

70
00:06:10,601 --> 00:06:16,600
King Nestor and his people warmly greet him.
The young prince is shocked by the orderly,

71
00:06:16,601 --> 00:06:21,928
respectful vibe, which is a million miles
away from the dumpster fire at home.

72
00:06:21,929 --> 00:06:25,781
Nestor gushes big time about
Telemachus's dad, Odysseus.

73
00:06:25,782 --> 00:06:29,035
They fought together in
the beauty contest war.

74
00:06:29,036 --> 00:06:35,080
Sadly, Nestor doesn't know what happened
to Odysseus. He tells Telemachus to visit

75
00:06:35,081 --> 00:06:39,810
another war hero, King Menelaus
of Sparta, who may know more.

76
00:06:39,811 --> 00:06:42,963
Now let's jump back to see
what's happening with Odysseus,

77
00:06:42,964 --> 00:06:46,070
Telemachus's very much alive dad.

78
00:06:46,071 --> 00:06:49,983
Remember back when Athena first
asked Zeus to mess with Odysseus,

79
00:06:49,984 --> 00:06:52,303
and that Poseidon was on board with it?

80
00:06:52,304 --> 00:06:56,156
Well, Poseidon doesn't know
Athena changed her mind,

81
00:06:56,157 --> 00:07:01,866
and now he sees Odysseus is
sailing on his waters and says,

82
00:07:01,873 --> 00:07:07,516
"Oh, hell no!" He sends a
huge storm to wreck the raft.

83
00:07:07,517 --> 00:07:13,263
However, a sea goddess, Ino, helps
Odysseus make it to the shore of an island.

84
00:07:13,264 --> 00:07:18,182
Exhausted, Odysseus crawls
off the beach and falls asleep.

85
00:07:18,183 --> 00:07:23,922
If this were a sitcom, or "Lost", he'd
probably be back on Calypso island.

86
00:07:23,923 --> 00:07:27,756
But nope, it's Scheria,
home of the Phaeacians.

87
00:07:27,757 --> 00:07:30,902
Princess Nausicaa
finds Odysseus on the beach,

88
00:07:30,903 --> 00:07:33,855
looking like an
oven-baked David Letterman.

89
00:07:33,856 --> 00:07:38,489
She gives him some of the
conveniently nearby clean laundry to wear,

90
00:07:38,490 --> 00:07:41,290
and invites him to
follow her back to the city.

91
00:07:41,291 --> 00:07:47,240
The Phaeacian capital is a place of wealth
and wonder, but Princess Nausicaa has

92
00:07:47,241 --> 00:07:52,120
instructed Odysseus to keep a respectable
distance behind her as they walk through the

93
00:07:52,121 --> 00:07:56,983
city, because the gossip vine
is fully in bloom all year long.

94
00:07:56,984 --> 00:07:59,670
Anyway, Princess Nausicaa's parents are

95
00:07:59,671 --> 00:08:04,564
parents are the very kind and welcoming
King Alcinoeus and Queen Airete.

96
00:08:04,565 --> 00:08:07,954
Let's just call them
King Allie and Queen Airey.

97
00:08:07,955 --> 00:08:10,395
They feed Odysseus a hearty meal.

98
00:08:10,396 --> 00:08:12,663
Everyone is impressed with the stranger.

99
00:08:12,664 --> 00:08:17,075
So much so that King Allie would
love to have him as a son-in-law.

100
00:08:17,076 --> 00:08:21,089
Meanwhile, Odysseus' son,
Telemachus, arrives in Sparta

101
00:08:21,090 --> 00:08:24,519
and is greeted by
King Menelaus and Queen Helen.

102
00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:28,889
Yep, the same Helen that the whole
beauty contest war was waged over.

103
00:08:28,890 --> 00:08:32,115
Menelaus and Helen
instantly recognize Telemachus,

104
00:08:32,116 --> 00:08:34,532
due to his resemblance to his father.

105
00:08:34,533 --> 00:08:37,376
"Hi! Prince Telemachus here!"

106
00:08:37,377 --> 00:08:39,209
Except maybe the voice.

107
00:08:39,210 --> 00:08:42,743
Everyone is happy,
until they're sad with grief.

108
00:08:42,744 --> 00:08:47,544
So Helen slips a little some'n-some'n
into the wine to help them chill.

109
00:08:47,545 --> 00:08:52,159
Then Menelaus and Helen recount brave
acts of Odysseus during the war.

110
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:55,174
The war, including his clever
use of a huge wooden horse

111
00:08:55,175 --> 00:08:58,128
to sneak warriors
inside the gates of Troy,

112
00:08:58,129 --> 00:09:01,849
thus inspiring computer hackers
yet to be born.

113
00:09:01,850 --> 00:09:05,629
Menelaus finally asks Telemachus
why he's come to Sparta.

114
00:09:05,630 --> 00:09:09,516
And the youth describes
the "sh*t show" back home in Ithaca,

115
00:09:09,517 --> 00:09:13,861
And explains he wants to know if
his father, Odysseus, is still alive.

116
00:09:13,862 --> 00:09:19,754
Menelaus then launches into a long story
about his own journey home from Troy.

117
00:09:19,755 --> 00:09:24,741
Eventually forcing a shapeshifting
god to tell him the truth about many things,

118
00:09:24,742 --> 00:09:26,874
including the fate of Odysseus.

119
00:09:26,881 --> 00:09:30,571
Who, he learns, is trapped
on Calypso Island.

120
00:09:30,572 --> 00:09:33,373
"Geez, you could've led with that!"

121
00:09:33,374 --> 00:09:38,429
You'd assume Telemachus would instantly
head for that island to rescue his dad.

122
00:09:38,430 --> 00:09:43,814
But let's put that on pause and zip back to
where Odysseus actually is at this point.

123
00:09:43,815 --> 00:09:48,222
The Phaeacian capital, where he has
yet to reveal much about himself.

124
00:09:48,223 --> 00:09:53,387
At dinner, the royal bard begins to
sing the tale of the beauty contest war.

125
00:09:53,388 --> 00:09:56,841
That's when Odysseus
straight-up loses it and cries out,

126
00:09:56,842 --> 00:10:01,354
"Stop the presses! I mean,
stop the music! You've got it all wrong.

127
00:10:01,355 --> 00:10:07,121
I should know because I was there!
I am Odysseus, and this…

128
00:10:07,122 --> 00:10:09,048
Is the rest…

129
00:10:09,049 --> 00:10:10,812
Of the story."

130
00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:15,005
And thus begins the
extended flashback sequence

131
00:10:15,006 --> 00:10:19,675
that emcompases the 10 years beginning with
Odysseus' departure from Troy.

132
00:10:19,676 --> 00:10:22,396
See? I said we'd get back to that.

133
00:10:22,397 --> 00:10:24,929
It all started right after leaving Troy.

134
00:10:24,930 --> 00:10:29,103
Odysseus' fleet of twelve
ships raided another city.

135
00:10:29,104 --> 00:10:34,730
Burt, instead of leaving right away, the crew
decided to get drunk and sleep on the beach.

136
00:10:34,731 --> 00:10:38,134
Hard to believe, but the
townsfolk found them,

137
00:10:38,135 --> 00:10:42,710
and, well, you can instantly scratch off
several members of the crew.

138
00:10:42,711 --> 00:10:45,646
Then, a massive storm
blew the ship off course,

139
00:10:45,647 --> 00:10:51,081
And the fleet landed in some kind of hippie
colony where everyone eats lotus flowers.

140
00:10:51,082 --> 00:10:55,398
Some crew members took a nibble
and instantly forgot all about home.

141
00:10:55,399 --> 00:10:56,812
They wanted to stay.

142
00:10:56,813 --> 00:11:00,412
But Odysseus and the rest of the crew
dragged them back onto the ship

143
00:11:00,413 --> 00:11:02,102
for an intervention.

144
00:11:02,103 --> 00:11:04,688
And the hits just kept on coming.

145
00:11:04,689 --> 00:11:07,612
They landed on the
island of the Cyclopses.

146
00:11:07,613 --> 00:11:11,130
Odysseus took twelve men
ashore with him to explore.

147
00:11:11,131 --> 00:11:14,903
Yadda yadda yadda, they get
trapped in the Cyclops' cave.

148
00:11:14,904 --> 00:11:18,528
Yadda yadda, the Cyclops
eats some of the crew.

149
00:11:18,529 --> 00:11:22,752
Yadda yadda yadda, Odysseus
tricks the Cyclops and blinds him.

150
00:11:22,753 --> 00:11:28,729
They get away. But, as bad luck
would have it, the Cyclops' dad?

151
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:35,840
He's Poseidon. Oopsie! No time to dwell
on that, because the next stop is the floating

152
00:11:35,841 --> 00:11:42,800
island home of Aeolus, King of the Winds.
Aeolus gives Odysseus a sealed pouch that

153
00:11:42,801 --> 00:11:46,587
literally contains the
stormy winds of the world.

154
00:11:46,588 --> 00:11:51,565
Hey, don't look at me. If you have
a problem with this, talk to Homer.

155
00:11:51,566 --> 00:11:55,874
With the stormy winds in the pouch,
that only left a gentle west wind

156
00:11:55,875 --> 00:11:58,555
that would take the fleet straight home.

157
00:11:58,556 --> 00:12:02,831
And it almost worked, but
close to Ithaca, Odysseus fell asleep,

158
00:12:02,832 --> 00:12:07,659
And the crew members, who thought
the bag was full of treasure, opened it.

159
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:14,900
Back out to sea. By the way, speaking of
bags of wind, I'll remind you that everyone

160
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:19,787
is still sitting around the dinner table
listening to Odysseus tell these stories.

161
00:12:19,788 --> 00:12:24,357
Next, the fleet sailed into a
harbor surrounded by tall cliffs.

162
00:12:24,358 --> 00:12:27,200
And at the top of these cliffs? Giants.

163
00:12:27,201 --> 00:12:33,400
Cannibal giants. The worst kind of giants. The
giants hurled boulders down from the cliffs

164
00:12:33,401 --> 00:12:40,720
and smashed eleven of the twelve ships to
bits. Only Odysseus' ship managed to get away.

165
00:12:40,721 --> 00:12:45,910
And that one ship eventually landed on
the island of the witch goddess Circe.

166
00:12:45,911 --> 00:12:49,829
You know, this story has
more islands than "One Piece".

167
00:12:49,830 --> 00:12:54,573
Oh, and did I mention that Circe turned
the ship's scouting party into pigs?

168
00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:56,361
Well, she did.

169
00:12:56,362 --> 00:12:59,840
And on his way to
rescue his crew, Odysseus

170
00:12:59,841 --> 00:13:05,520
just happened to run into Hermes, who gave
Odysseus something to help him resist Circe's

171
00:13:05,521 --> 00:13:11,920
magic. Odysseus was able to persuade Circe
to turn his crew back into crew, which made

172
00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:16,657
Circe very sad because
she did have her heart set on bacon.

173
00:13:16,658 --> 00:13:18,985
When it came time to leave the island,

174
00:13:18,986 --> 00:13:22,425
Odysseus asked Circe
for advice on how to get home.

175
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:25,511
Circe told Odysseus to go to hell!

176
00:13:25,512 --> 00:13:30,460
All right. What she actually said was
he had to journey to the underworld to

177
00:13:30,461 --> 00:13:33,422
consult with the blind prophet Tiresias.

178
00:13:33,423 --> 00:13:38,056
Tiresias gave Odysseus a kind
of nautical road map to get home.

179
00:13:38,057 --> 00:13:44,680
Remember, this was pre-GPS. And he
warned Odysseus about some sacred cows.

180
00:13:44,681 --> 00:13:47,218
Foreshadowing. Oh,
and while he was in the

181
00:13:47,219 --> 00:13:50,120
underworld, Odysseus
spoke with his dead mother,

182
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:53,439
who spilled the tea about the
deadbeats hanging around his house.

183
00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:57,506
And he chatted with dead
warriors from the beauty contest war.

184
00:13:57,507 --> 00:14:02,093
Then it was back to the ship.
His ship. His only ship.

185
00:14:02,094 --> 00:14:07,160
And they set sail for home. You know,
by now I'm guessing everyone at dinner is

186
00:14:07,161 --> 00:14:12,647
getting a little fidgety. Odysseus
has been talking for a very long time.

187
00:14:12,648 --> 00:14:15,134
King Ali is probably all,

188
00:14:15,135 --> 00:14:20,067
"Wow. Basically, you've been
through a lot. Maybe we should... "

189
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:25,412
"I'm far from done. Hold my
goblet of wine and listen to this."

190
00:14:25,413 --> 00:14:31,552
Continuing on, Odysseus's ship had to
pass by the half-bird, half-woman sirens.

191
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:36,915
These creatures used their
beautiful voices to lure sailors close.

192
00:14:36,916 --> 00:14:40,582
And then delighted in watching
the ship smash onto the rocks.

193
00:14:40,583 --> 00:14:43,342
Odysseus had been tipped off about this,

194
00:14:43,343 --> 00:14:46,240
so he plugged his
crew's ears with beeswax.

195
00:14:46,241 --> 00:14:50,352
But he wanted to hear the song
for himself. Of course he did.

196
00:14:50,353 --> 00:14:54,605
So he was tied to the mast
as the ship passed by the sirens.

197
00:14:54,606 --> 00:14:59,166
I think he described the song as new wave
synth pop with a country hook

198
00:14:59,167 --> 00:15:03,478
and hip-hop style,
backed by a clean 808 trap beat.

199
00:15:03,479 --> 00:15:07,303
Then the ship had to go through a
straight and narrow, narrow strait.

200
00:15:07,304 --> 00:15:10,880
On one side was a
massive whirlpool, like someone

201
00:15:10,881 --> 00:15:13,719
was flushing the Mediterranean Ocean down the
loo.

202
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,773
On the other side, a six-headed monster.

203
00:15:17,721 --> 00:15:20,604
Odysseus decided to
pass closer to the monster.

204
00:15:20,605 --> 00:15:23,120
Sure, he lost six crewmen, but he figured

205
00:15:23,121 --> 00:15:28,440
they were getting used to it by now. After
another long stretch at sea, the ship was

206
00:15:28,441 --> 00:15:35,259
passing by the island of Thranacia, which was
home to the sun god Helios's sacred cattle.

207
00:15:35,260 --> 00:15:40,353
Odysseus wanted to sail past,
but the crew got really cranky.

208
00:15:40,459 --> 00:15:46,926
"Fine! But remember that press briefing!
Do not touch those cows!"

209
00:15:46,927 --> 00:15:50,352
When bad weather trapped
them on the island for a month,

210
00:15:50,353 --> 00:15:53,407
those cows began to look mighty tasty.

211
00:15:53,408 --> 00:16:00,052
And, like before, while Odysseus was napping,
the crew did their own thing. Odysseus awoke

212
00:16:00,053 --> 00:16:02,973
to find the men making
holy cow burgers.

213
00:16:02,974 --> 00:16:07,127
Racing on board ship and rowing
away, everyone thought they were safe.

214
00:16:07,128 --> 00:16:10,607
Until a thunderbolt shot down
and smashed the ship to pieces.

215
00:16:10,608 --> 00:16:16,962
Only Odysseus survived, and eventually
washed up on the shore of Calypso's Island.

216
00:16:16,963 --> 00:16:23,861
The entire dining hall is silent,
as Odysseus finishes his tale by saying,

217
00:16:23,862 --> 00:16:28,163
"And that's the way it was!
You're all caught up!"

218
00:16:28,164 --> 00:16:30,406
After a sigh of relief,

219
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:35,920
King Ali said that Odysseus had, indeed, been
through a great deal, and promised to give

220
00:16:35,921 --> 00:16:39,787
him safe passage home
via one of their ultra-fast ships,

221
00:16:39,788 --> 00:16:43,634
as long as he promised
not to tell any more stories.

222
00:16:43,635 --> 00:16:48,665
Odysseus falls asleep while on board,
something he really should stop doing.

223
00:16:48,666 --> 00:16:53,880
When the ship reached Ithaca, the crew
carried Odysseus ashore, and then set sail

224
00:16:53,881 --> 00:16:59,920
for home. Of course, Poseidon isn't thrilled
when he hears about this trip. So, when the

225
00:16:59,921 --> 00:17:05,800
Phaeacian ship reached its home harbor,
the sea god turned the ship to stone, sinking

226
00:17:05,801 --> 00:17:08,633
it in full view of the city.

227
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:12,806
"Yeah, and tell your friends!"

228
00:17:12,807 --> 00:17:16,585
Waking up on shore,
Odysseus is visited by Athena,

229
00:17:16,586 --> 00:17:20,620
who warns the warrior
that he can't just waltz into the palace.

230
00:17:20,621 --> 00:17:23,424
The 108 suitors will surely kill him.

231
00:17:23,425 --> 00:17:29,099
"Like, besides,
the place looks like a cyclone hit it!"

232
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:35,880
She transforms Odysseus into an old man.
Well, an older man, and tells him to go find

233
00:17:35,881 --> 00:17:39,843
his loyal swineherd,
Eumeus. And, sure, swineherd

234
00:17:39,844 --> 00:17:43,160
sounds like a really nasty diss, but this

235
00:17:43,161 --> 00:17:50,160
dude actually herded Odysseus' swine. Okay,
so Odysseus is back on Ithaca. What happened

236
00:17:50,161 --> 00:17:56,320
to his son, Telemachus? Well, the suitors
have learned that the prince left the island,

237
00:17:56,321 --> 00:17:59,480
and they've set up an ambush
in the sea channel leading home.

238
00:17:59,481 --> 00:18:02,953
Luckily, Athena, the
goddess of plot contrivances,

239
00:18:02,954 --> 00:18:06,585
shows up and talks to Telemachus, saying,

240
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:13,237
"Like, the suitors are, like, gonna force
your mother, Penelope, to marry Antinous.

241
00:18:13,238 --> 00:18:17,137
Uh, I mean, one of them."

242
00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:23,500
She tells Telemachus about a safer, yet more
dangerous route to use to sail home, and she

243
00:18:23,501 --> 00:18:28,760
insists that once he lands, he should
beat cheeks for the hut of that old swineherd,

244
00:18:28,761 --> 00:18:35,500
Eumeus. Again, not an insult. Telemachus makes
it home and rushes to the swineherd's hut.

245
00:18:35,501 --> 00:18:41,200
Odysseus is there, but still in disguise.
When Telemachus isn't looking, Athena changes

246
00:18:41,201 --> 00:18:47,120
Odysseus back to his normal age, and, for
an added touch of drama, clothes him in his

247
00:18:47,121 --> 00:18:52,206
royal tunic. Telemachus has seen
enough strange things by now to say,

248
00:18:52,207 --> 00:18:57,956
"Yeah, I've seen enough strange things
by now to know when I'm being punked."

249
00:18:57,957 --> 00:19:01,623
Eventually, Odysseus
convinces his son it isn't isn't a trick,

250
00:19:01,624 --> 00:19:08,004
and the two rejoice in their reunion.
"Huzzah!" "Huzzah?"

251
00:19:08,005 --> 00:19:13,314
Odysseus tells Telemachus to keep his
return a secret, even from Penelope.

252
00:19:13,315 --> 00:19:15,720
The swineherd, Eumeus, accompanies

253
00:19:15,721 --> 00:19:21,400
a re-disguised Odysseus to the palace. Just
before entering, Odysseus sees his faithful

254
00:19:21,401 --> 00:19:25,639
dog Argos, now old and
discarded. Argos recognizes

255
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:30,367
Odysseus through his
disguise and wags his tail for joy.

256
00:19:30,368 --> 00:19:36,560
And then dies. Yep, this is the OG
case of someone being pushed to the

257
00:19:36,561 --> 00:19:40,489
brink because they killed his dog.

258
00:19:40,497 --> 00:19:43,663
Once inside the palace,
to keep up his disguise,

259
00:19:43,664 --> 00:19:46,656
Odysseus begs for scraps from the suitors.

260
00:19:46,657 --> 00:19:51,222
That king of the jerks, Antinous,
throws a footstool at Odysseus' back.

261
00:19:51,223 --> 00:19:54,250
Even the other suitors are like, "Dude!"

262
00:19:54,251 --> 00:19:56,446
After the suitors go home for the night,

263
00:19:56,447 --> 00:20:01,992
Odysseus and Telemachus lock away all the
armor and weapons that were in the Great Hall.

264
00:20:01,999 --> 00:20:04,292
When Penelope asks the mysterious beggar

265
00:20:04,719 --> 00:20:07,613
if he's heard any news of
her husband, Odysseus,

266
00:20:07,614 --> 00:20:12,480
the king launches into an improv backstory
meant to keep his wife in the dark.

267
00:20:12,481 --> 00:20:14,906
But a short while later, the royal nurse

268
00:20:14,907 --> 00:20:18,879
recognizes the scar on Odysseus' leg,
and he has to be all,

269
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:22,053
"Ixnay on the inkay!"

270
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:25,540
Fast forward a bit to the morning
of the Festival of Apollo.

271
00:20:25,541 --> 00:20:30,114
Penelope makes an appearance in the Great
Hall, carrying Odysseus' bow.

272
00:20:30,115 --> 00:20:34,354
The weapon is so stiff that only
the king has ever been able to string it.

273
00:20:34,355 --> 00:20:38,574
She announces that whoever manages to
string the bow and shoot an arrow

274
00:20:38,575 --> 00:20:43,854
cleanly through a line of 12 iron rings
will win her hand in marriage.

275
00:20:43,861 --> 00:20:46,988
Kind of like a
"The Bachelorette" challenge.

276
00:20:46,989 --> 00:20:51,294
But the suitors can't bend the bow.
Not even close.

277
00:20:51,295 --> 00:20:55,360
Although Prince Telemachus almost
manages to do it, the still-disguised

278
00:20:55,361 --> 00:20:58,322
Odysseus shakes his head, signaling,

279
00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:02,556
"Not part of the plan,
son. Also, that's your mom.

280
00:21:02,557 --> 00:21:05,639
Remind me to tell you
about Oedipus someday."

281
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:08,960
On instructions from
Odysseus, the loyal swineherd

282
00:21:08,961 --> 00:21:15,482
Eumaeus and a helper lock all the
doors of the Great Hall, from the outside.

283
00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:18,630
I think you've guessed
what's coming next.

284
00:21:18,631 --> 00:21:22,880
Back inside, Odysseus asks
for a chance to string the bow.

285
00:21:22,881 --> 00:21:25,535
The suitors jeer, but Telemachus says,

286
00:21:25,536 --> 00:21:31,409
"Hey now, everybody gets a chance at my mom.
Wait. What am I saying?"

287
00:21:31,410 --> 00:21:36,000
Odysseus strings the bow with ease,
notches an arrow, and shoots it

288
00:21:36,001 --> 00:21:42,139
straight through all 12 rings. Then he sheds
his disguise. And before anyone can say

289
00:21:42,140 --> 00:21:44,956
"Plot twist," he draws back another arrow,

290
00:21:44,957 --> 00:21:49,186
and does away with that
jerkiest of jerks, Antinous.

291
00:21:49,187 --> 00:21:54,640
What follows is pretty much the red wedding
scene from "Game of Thrones" on steroids.

292
00:21:54,641 --> 00:21:56,919
A servant gives Penelope the news

293
00:21:56,920 --> 00:22:00,509
that Odysseus has returned
and vanquished the suitors.

294
00:22:00,510 --> 00:22:06,080
But the queen thinks it's a trick. She decides
to test the man who calls himself Odysseus.

295
00:22:06,081 --> 00:22:11,220
She tells the servant to move the king's heavy
bridal bed out of the bedchamber and dress

296
00:22:11,221 --> 00:22:17,720
it with linens. Odysseus is furious. Not only
are fresh linens expensive, he was the one

297
00:22:17,721 --> 00:22:22,780
who built the bed. It was part of a massive
living tree rooted deep in the foundation

298
00:22:22,781 --> 00:22:26,366
of the palace. The palace
was literally constructed

299
00:22:26,367 --> 00:22:30,009
around the tree, and the
bed is impossible to move.

300
00:22:30,010 --> 00:22:36,860
Penelope realizes that the man before her
is indeed her husband, Odysseus. And there

301
00:22:36,861 --> 00:22:42,620
is much rejoicing. Oh, and Odysseus travels to
the countryside to find his grieving elderly

302
00:22:42,621 --> 00:22:48,600
father Laertes, and they have to battle the
families of the dead suitors. And then Athena,

303
00:22:48,601 --> 00:22:51,493
the goddess of Butinskis, pops in to say,

304
00:22:51,494 --> 00:23:02,783
"Like, knock it off. Zeus is shutting this
whole thing down. Go home. Lake, show's over."

305
00:23:02,784 --> 00:23:04,964
The end.

306
00:23:04,965 --> 00:23:08,317
Well, that was certainly worth my time.

307
00:23:08,318 --> 00:23:11,031
Antinous says Antinous will be back
in the sequel!

308
00:23:11,032 --> 00:23:14,589
Like, I thought a goddess
would have more to say.

309
00:23:14,590 --> 00:23:17,074
Hey, he cut my big musical number.

310
00:23:17,075 --> 00:23:19,520
Basically. I'm not sure if that rocked.

311
00:23:19,521 --> 00:23:23,771
Oh, let's give one pity line to the old lady.

312
00:23:23,772 --> 00:23:28,400
Why didn't he just do the
whole thing by himself?

313
00:23:28,401 --> 00:23:32,386
The editing of my lines
has lost you front-page coverage.

314
00:23:32,387 --> 00:23:34,199
I'm not sure I loved it.

315
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,280
[END THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER]

316
00:23:36,281 --> 00:23:41,040
That about wraps it up. But first, a very
special shout-out to the folks who help power

317
00:23:41,041 --> 00:23:46,839
comedy4cast, my Patreon patrons,
including producer-level patrons,

318
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:50,365
Paul Barrie, from the "A Window
to the Magic" podcast,

319
00:23:50,379 --> 00:23:52,276
Kirby Bartlett-Sloan,

320
00:23:52,277 --> 00:23:55,492
Chuck Tomasi from the
Technorama podcast,

321
00:23:55,493 --> 00:23:56,951
Kyle Nishioka,

322
00:23:56,952 --> 00:23:58,244
Brian Martsolf,

323
00:23:58,245 --> 00:23:59,564
Amy Murphy,

324
00:23:59,565 --> 00:24:09,043
and Steve Ng from steveng5.com. That's
S-T-E-V-E-N-G, the number five, dot com.

325
00:24:09,044 --> 00:24:13,947
You too can support comedy4cast
ang get episodes before everyone else,

326
00:24:13,948 --> 00:24:19,520
for as little as two dollars a month.
Just search for comedy4cast, all one word

327
00:24:19,521 --> 00:24:27,200
with the number 4, on patreon.com. Or click
on the link on the comedy4cast homepage.

328
00:24:27,201 --> 00:24:34,720
In this episode, the parts of Calypso/Abby
Fallmaker and Athena/Cindy were played by

329
00:24:34,721 --> 00:24:41,800
Bonnie Kenderdine. Additional voices, script,
and original music by me, Clinton Alvord.

330
00:24:41,801 --> 00:24:48,840
Copyright 2026, all rights reserved. Talk
to you again next time, but for now, that's

331
00:24:48,841 --> 00:24:51,920
it. We're done, done, done, done, done.
Bye-bye.

332
00:24:51,928 --> 00:24:56,319
[END THEME MUSIC UP AND FINISHES]

333
00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:00,713
Captions courtesy of
Clinton typing them.