comedy4cast is the official podcast of coat racks, precious gemstones,
and The Great Barrier Reef.
The comedy4cast Network.
Let's dog-ear that for now.
Oh, hi! You're here! Welcome to the show.
I'm Clinton, and this is comedy4cast, episode 862, Talk Support.
We're going to be answering some very probing questions submitted by our Patreon supporters.
But first, a reminder that you too can help support this one-of-a-kind show.
Head over to Patreon.com and search for comedy4cast.
All one word with the number 4.
Or click on the link on the comedy4cast homepage.
And thank you. Now, let's have some fun.
Hi, I'm Clinton from comedy4cast. All one word with the number 4.
I think we just covered all of that. and I'm here today to answer questions
from the internet. This is Talk Support.
Gary Lindros asks...
What would happen if Danny watched a movie before he reviewed it?
Well, to answer that question, Gary, I told Danny he had to actually sit down and watch a movie.
And then I had to bribe him 20 bucks to do it. I told him he could have his
choice from the 10 2026 Oscar Best Picture nominees.
Of course, looking over the list, Danny thought Bogonia was the story of the
man who invented sliced deli meats.
Frankenstein was a sequel to Wolfenstein. Marty Supreme was about a boy who wanted to be Diana Ross. You know, finally, I just had to pick one for him. So, Danny.
Hi! Danny Hillcrest here. Yes, I know, Danny.
Tell me, what did you think of F1 the movie? Very loud!
Well, it is about Formula One racing. Oh, that's an unsimilarly different kettle
of corn. I thought it was supposed to be all about one of those weird number
button keys at the top of my keyboard.
No, those are function keys, Danny. Is that function to make all the other keys
on my desktop typing keyboard smaller?
Because these fingers need room to breathe. The movie, Danny, the movie. Now that you know what it's about, what did you think of it?
Well, I liked the fast, fully racing parts. But the subplot about Peter Banning,
the evil board member trying to take Apex GP away from the character played
by Javier Bardem, seemed unnecessary.
With little development until well into the third act, it also felt a bit derivative
of the classic sports sabotage subplot, which has been executed much better
in other productions, including the first season of Ted Lasso.
Well, there's your answer, Gary.
If Danny actually watched the movies, he'd be pretty much like every other movie
critic. Arrogant and extremely judgmental.
Let's switch things up and take a question from Patreon patron Paul Barrie. When I asked the patrons to submit questions, I said they could be about the
show in general, various locations, or even that random character from episode X.
So naturally, Paul's question is, quote, that random character from episode X.
How does one become a random podcast character, and what is the motivation behind
your appearance in episode X.
Fortunately, I was able to locate the individual who played that random character,
and he recorded this reply.
Hello, Mr. Paul Barrie.
I'm so honored that you remember me and my guest starring role.
You, sir, humble me. As you undoubtedly know, that performance heralded my return
to the world of entertainment after decades of self-imposed retirement.
I'm delighted that it made such a lasting impression on you and my otherwise silent legion of fans.
Now, to the first part of your most intriguing question. How does one become
a random podcast character?
It may surprise you to learn that it's a complicated process in this so-called modern age.
One fraught with intrigue, suspense, and a touch of...
Mundane. Consider, firstly, I had to be made aware of the so-called gig.
Of course, under the old studio system, that wasn't an issue. I would simply walk into the office of Mr. Louis B.
Mayer, and, after I briefly reminded him who I was,
he would assign me to a production where I would be the king of England,
or a dashing young swashbuckler, or he'd hand me a broom and have me sweep up
his office while modeling one of the outfits being designed for Gloria Dehaven.
He was a complicated individual, but in this so-called modern age,
I have to go online and search for opportunities on what we in the business
refer to as the breakdowns.
This is where I learned of the casting call that would become my now legendary
comeback role on comedy4cast.
Unfortunately, even though I'm the one who found the job, my agent automatically
wanted 20% straight off the top, which surprised me.
I didn't know I still had an agent, but I had the last laugh in this instance,
because you see the gig didn't pay anything. It seems one does comedy4cast for the exposure.
I informed my agent that if he wanted an automatic 20% straight off the top,
he'd have to go to supercuts like everyone else.
Then I submitted a sample of my work, along with a photo of myself,
circa 1952. I admit that the headshot was a bit out of date,
but I simply detest the quality of today's so-called digital cameras.
They make everything seem so... real.
Well, after that, I had to drive to Middling Fair three times over the course
of a month for callbacks.
Actually, my grandson drove me. He's a good lad, even if he is a bit odd.
He insists on plugging his automobile into an electric outlet every night,
as if it were a floor lamp. On my final callback, there were some pretty big
so-called A-list celebrities sitting in the waiting area, apparently reading for the same part.
I hesitate to name anyone.
However, they already have names, like Matt Damon, Pablo Pascal, and Ryan Gosling.
But I knew that none of that mattered, because I felt so immersed in my character,
I was able to go into that last reading as if I was living the part.
I laughed and tossed away the so-called sighs I had been given and improvised,
much to the surprise of the director's assistant, who was reading the role of
my scene partner, One General Calamity.
In fact, I believe it was my quick thinking when the assistant began to have
a panic attack that really caught the director's attention.
Long story short, I obviously got the gig, And now I'm hoping that Clinton does
me the honor of playing the clip that highlights my appearance.
Attention citizens of Middling Fair, this is General Calamity speaking.
It's April, which means you should have fled town by now. But if there is anyone still here, be aware.
Random musical instruments are falling out of the sky. It's unusual, but not for this show.
Stay alert. What in the name of...
Hold on a second, soldier. Stop the tank. Yes, sir. You there, citizen.
Me? Yes, you. Didn't you hear what I just said? You need to be...
[Piano smashes to the ground.]
Never mind. Soldier, let's go. Yes, sir.
[Tank engine starts.]
As relevant now as it was then. Oh, and in relation to the other part of your
question, what was the motivation behind my appearance on Comedy Forecast?
Well, obviously, I'm insane.
Back to a question from Gary Lindros. And this one should prove quite interesting.
He asks, what are little wicker baskets really made of? I think I'd better turn
this one over to the expert.
Hello, everyone. I'm Abby Falmacher, owner of the Little Wicker Basket Company.
Little wicker baskets.
They're everywhere. Hello, Ms. Fallmacher.
What do you say to Gary, who asks what wicker baskets are really made of?
I say, what exactly are you implying, Mr.
Lindros, if that is indeed your real stage name?
Hold on, I think this is a legitimate question.
After all, there's no real cargo in cargo pants.
Why doesn't he ask the owner of the Questionable Materials Container Company about their product?
Is that a real company? How should I know?
You'd never find me hanging around
with riffraff like that. It seems to me you're avoiding the question.
What are little wicker baskets made of? All right. I guess I should come clean.
Yes. That would put the question to rest. Don't say put to rest to an old person.
Sorry. Well, Gary, the truth is our little wicker baskets are made out of the
leftover material from our primary business.
Uh, which is? Creating ready-to-use nests for inept birds.
What? Oh, I know. Everyone thinks birds are all very skilled at taking twigs
and straw and weaving them into nests.
But the sad truth is a lot of them are pretty darned incompetent when it comes
to possessing foundational construction skills.
Did you know that the average majestic bald eagle couldn't tell you the difference
between a twig and a bag of googly eyes if its life depended on it?
I had no idea. And you're saying your company makes the nests for these birds?
We do. We carry a complete line of nests that are all strategically designed
to look like the equivalent of abandoned second-grade art projects.
And that one product line leaves you with enough leftover materials to make
hundreds of thousands of little wicker baskets? There are roughly 50 billion birds on Earth.
You do the math, because goodness knows birds can't. Well, thank you, Ms. Fallmacher.
I'm sure people have been dying to find out about this. Don't say dying to an old person.
And finally, Paul Barrie also asks, If Comedy Forecast had to be rebooted as
an instructional VHS from 1989, what would it be teaching, and who would absolutely ruin the lesson?
This one is interesting because someone on this show actually was in an instructional
VHS production back in 1989.
[Tape being loaded into VHS player.]
And I have the audio right here.
[Tape plays. Tape hiss. Intro music plays.]
Hello, new employee. I'm Pete Hunderstondenston, Regional Manager of Personnel,
and I want to welcome you to the Chess King family.
As I like to say, when you work at the Chess King, you're more than a pawn.
[Odd laugh.]
In fact, you are essential to our success.
That's why I'm here at store 6211 in Middling Fair to demonstrate how you You
need to work with your customers, because when it comes to selling,
it's all about the right opening move.
[Odd laugh.]
Here at Chess King, we're all about equality, too.
We hire dudes and chicks, and we'll prove it by selecting this random employee.
Excuse me, what's your name, little lady?
Like Cindy, big doof. Well, Cindy, if you don't mind, I'd like to do some role play with you.
Whoa.
Like, go call one of those 1-900 numbers, like all the other freaks.
No, no, no. I mean, I'm going to pretend to be a customer coming into the store,
needing some help selecting clothes.
Like, uh-huh? And you, as the Chess King employee, will help me. Like, whatever.
But if this gets, like, weird, I'm calling the cops.
Uh, hello. I am here looking for new threads, as the kids say.
Like, if the kids are, like, 35 years old? Yes, well, what do you have in dress shirts?
Like, that depends. Are you going for the poser look?
The street dealer look? Or the this photo will totally embarrass me 20 years
from now look. That last one includes suspenders.
That's what's known as upselling.
We encourage our employees to make sure that the customer always leaves with
more than they came in for.
Like if they came in looking for clothes that last, that might be a hard one
to pull off. Also, don't try to pull off these clothes.
They, like, disintegrate.
How about the jacket? That salmon one. Oh, what can you tell me about this leather jacket?
Like, I can tell you it's not leather. The closest that that thing ever got
to a cow is the TCBY shop next door.
Young lady, this is no way for a Chess King employee to act.
Like, if you say so. Basically.
Hey, Cindy. Like, hey, Lenny. And who exactly are you, young man?
Basically, I'm Lenny Treetop, old dude.
Basically, I work here. You both work here?
Like, I don't work here. I'm just, like, giving Lenny a ride home.
But, basically, I can ring all this up for you before I go.
It looks like you went for the, basically, I want to look like a record executive
when I hit the Disco Tonight outfit. That rocks.
Do you want the optional Wayfarer knockoffs, too? No! I don't want anything!
Like awesome roleplay, man. Hey, we're headed over to the Swatch store if you
need to, like, harsh some more mellow.
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
[Tape ejects from player.]
That's all the questions for today. Thank you for listening to Talk Support.
[Show outro music in and under.]
That about wraps it up. But first, a very special shout-out to the folks who
help Power comedy4cast, my Patreon patrons,
including producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie from the A Window to the Magic
podcast, Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte to Doctor Who podcast,
Chuck Tomasi from the Technorama podcast, Kyle Nishioka, and our newest producer, Brian Martzoff.
You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else.
Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4,
on Patreon.com, or simply click on the link on the comedy4cast homepage.
In this episode, the parts of Abby Falmacher and Cindy were played by Bonnie
Kenderdine, and the part of the soldier was played by Craig Stepp. Additional voices
script and original music by me, Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2026. All rights reserved.
Talk to you again next time. But for now, that's it.
We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye-bye.
[captioning made possible by Clinton typing all this]