comedy4cast is the official podcast of the mandolin, type that is way too
small to read, and teaser trailers.
The comedy4cast Network. Let's dog-ear that for now.
Oh, hi! You're here! Welcome to the show.
I'm Clinton, and this is a very special episode of comedy4cast, episode 860.
The Bob and Ray Show. This past summer, I participated in the Mutual Audio Network's
annual Summer Stock event, where audio theater enthusiasts give new interpretations
of classic audio productions.
I decided to do a compilation of sketches by the comedy team of Bob Elliott
and Ray Goulding, better known simply as Bob and Ray.
For this episode, I've cut down the number of sketches from that Summer Stock
production to give you a taste of the full show.
More about all of that at the end of this episode. But right now,
let's have some fun with my salute to Bob and Ray.
Now, from approximately coast to coast, it's the Bob and Ray Show.
And it's all possible thanks in part to two of our old sponsors.
Einbinder, the greatest name in flypaper. This year, more than ever before,
make flypaper an important part of your life.
And by the Monongahela Metal Foundry, makers of shiny steel ingots.
Monongahela, the metal foundry that casts its ingots with the housewife in mind.
Hi there, boys and girls. Let's all gather round for another session of fun
and learning on Prodigy Street.
I know how anxious all of you little people are to become smarter than your
mommies and daddies, So let's not waste another minute to find out what Mr.
Wise Old Owl has to teach us today.
I see you have your blackboard all set up ready to begin, Mr.
Owl. Yes, I sure do, Wally the Word Man.
And today, boys and girls, we're going to learn a lot more about numbers as
we study the numeral one.
First, I'm going to put a figure one on my Wise Old Owl blackboard.
And, to help you remember, we'll write out the word one right next to it.
O-N-E.
Now we'll put... Excuse me, Mr. Wise Old Owl, but I think the boys and girls
should notice that the word one begins with that W sound I was telling them
about yesterday on Prodigy Street.
But it isn't spelled with a W. How about that?
Well, that's certainly interesting, Wally the Word Man. but today's lesson is about numbers.
So I want all of you boys and girls to hold up one finger and then count it.
But first, kids, you should take a moment to notice that one is spelled as if
it should be pronounced Oni. But always remember...
It isn't. Pardon me, Wally the Word Man, but I don't think we should confuse
the boys and girls with too many ideas at once here, and I just asked them to
count a finger when I'm afraid you got them off onto something else.
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Wise Old Owl. It's just that we were learning about
the letter W yesterday, and I thought it would be good to bring it up at this
point while it's still fresh in mind. But that was all, so please, continue.
Thank you. Now, kids, hold up one more finger and count again.
How many are there this time? That's right, two.
So one plus one makes two.
Now, I'll put the figure two on the blackboard and write next to it the word two, T-W-O.
Well, look there, boys and girls. Our old friend, the letter W,
is peeking out at us from the middle of the word two. Look, Wally,
I really wish you'd knock it off with this letter W business.
I'm trying to teach the kids simple addition.
Well, actually, that's not very important to know. But the word to is unique in our language.
See kids, it's spelled as if it should be pronounced twow. But always remember.
It isn't. Wally, nobody needs to know how it's spelled to do arithmetic.
For all I know, Einstein couldn't spell it.
Well, I don't think our producer is going to be too happy to hear you implying
to the boys and girls that Einstein was illiterate.
Oh, I didn't say that.
I just mean it's completely beside the point. You don't have to be able to spell
numbers to do arithmetic. It's irrelevant.
Now, hold up another finger, kids, and we'll... Well, I certainly don't consider
any phase of the correct use of our language to be irrelevant.
And I think you may be right out on your ear when the foundation that finances
this show hears what you said.
Why do you have to twist around everything I say? You English grammar smart
alecks are always doing that.
And I've got millions of kids out there holding up three fingers waiting for
me to tell them what to do next. Well, I suppose you're going to have them count
to their fingers again. So count your fingers, kids. Big deal.
Now, hold on. Are you trying to make me look foolish in front of all these children?
I sure don't have to try very hard to do that, fella. Okay, Buster.
Well, if you're looking for a knuckle sandwich, you've got one.
Time's up for today's lesson, kids. But join us again tomorrow on Prodigy Street for more.
You can stop holding your fingers up in the air now, boys and girls.
Yeah, stop that. But remember to tune in tomorrow for more fun and learning.
Same time, same station, on Prodigy Street.
See you then, Mr. Wise Old Owl. Yeah, I suppose so.
A word to you ladies now from our subscriber, the Monongahela Metal Foundry.
Ladies, we don't expect you to take our word that Monongahela steel ingots are
brighter and shinier than old-fashioned brands.
Make a simple comparison test for yourself. Just drag one of your present-day
ingots out in the yard on a sunny day and place it next to one of ours.
If the Monongahela ingot doesn't shine more brightly, even without long hours
of polishing, your money will be cheerfully refunded.
Remember too, ladies, you know how ashamed you feel serving dinner guests when
there are dull, corroded steel ingots piled on the table.
That's why the folks at Monongahela have introduced new extra shiny ingots for home and office use.
You'll be proud to display them along with your finest china and silverware.
Ask about them at your local Monongahela Foundry salesroom today.
Greetings and the warmest of felicitations to you, sports fans.
This is Biff Burns, emanating from mic side here in the Biff Burns Sports Room.
In the moments that lie directly ahead, we shall be scrutinizing all the highlights
and sidelights from the world of sports.
In addition, we'll be chatting with one of the truly dominant figures in sports, Edgar Barhorst.
And Edgar, suppose we begin with a most penetrating question.
What have you ever done to become a truly dominant figure in sports?
Well, it's really not what I've done so far, Biff. It's what I'm about to do.
I'm going to end all the legal fights over contracts and salaries that professional
athletes have been getting into lately with the team owners.
Well, I'm sure that such an achievement would indeed be hailed by all the leaders
of the sporting fraternity, including myself.
But how do you propose to keep sports stars from getting into contract disputes
with team management, Edgar?
Well, I've got an ingenious idea for that, Biff. You see what I- Excuse me for
interjecting, Edgar, but before you begin, I'd just like to say that this is
my show, and therefore I'll make the decision as to whether your idea is ingenious or not.
Oh, sure, Biff. I didn't mean to be stepping over into your territory,
but I'm sure you'll think the idea is pretty ingenious.
You see, I plan to change the rules for all sports so they'll be a lot easier to play.
Then athletes won't have the nerve to demand so much money because they'll know
they're not doing anything very difficult.
Well, that may or may not be an ingenious idea, Edgar. It all depends upon what
you're talking about when you infer that sports will be easier to play under your proposed rules.
Well, I think basketball is a good example of what I'm talking about, Biff.
Right now, you've got young guys just out of school squabbling with management
over a million dollar contracts.
And the only reason they're able to ask for that kind of money is because they're seven feet tall,
but still graceful and able to move around well.
Well, with all due respect, Edgar, I don't see how you propose to make a young
man more clumsy if he has a natural tendency to be graceful.
Well, I think you'll see that's now what I'm proposing to do,
if you'll just clam up and let me explain the thing, Biff.
You see, under my rules, the basket will be lowered about two feet,
and guys will be allowed to run with the ball if they want to,
and we may also make the basket bigger around so it's easier to score.
That way, I figure any middle-aged man standing five feet six should have enough talent to play pro ball.
I see. And if this idea of yours proves to be as ingenious as you think,
this will cut down on unreasonable salary demands in the NBA?
Well, sure it will, Biff. How can a guy demand a million bucks when he knows
that almost every man in the country under the age of 60 is able to play as good as he does?
Well, that does indeed have all the superficial earmarks of being an ingenious idea, Edgar. Thanks.
I believe my new rules will have an even bigger impact on Major League Baseball.
There, I plan to make the ball a lot bigger and softer.
Kind of like a volleyball. Test results indicate that it'll take a lot less
talent to play in the major leagues under those conditions.
I assume the ball will be easier to hit and also to field if it's large and
soft. That's right. As I said, I've got test results on that, Biff.
We tried the proposed equipment in a little league in my hometown last season,
and even the worst hitter batted at 927.
So I don't see how Rod Carew could ask for anything more than a couple hundred
dollars a week, knowing that any eight-year-old kid can play ball as good as he does.
Well, that's a fascinating concept for the imagination to toy with, Edgar.
Thank you, Biff. Coming from you, that means more than it would normally.
I suppose that's true. But there's one question that I continue tossing over in my mind.
Why would fans pay money to come out and watch sports that don't require any playing skill?
Well, I think the fans are going to have to lower their standards and stop expecting
to see professional athletes who have talent. I see.
And do you expect the fans to cooperate by lowering their standards that way? Uh, no.
I don't think they'll do that, Biff. I don't think they will either.
But thanks for stopping by to tell us about your impractical idea.
And now, this is Biff Burns saying that until it's time for our next get-together
in the sports room, this is Biff Burns saying, So long, fans!
Say, here's good news for the busy gift shopper.
Do you have trouble selecting just the right present for Christmas,
birthdays, and other special occasions?
Then why not offer the token of love and esteem that's welcomed by all?
A gift certificate for Einbinder flypaper.
They're available in denominations of $10, $50, and $100. and they can be redeemed
for whichever size and style of flypaper best suits the needs of the recipient.
Friends will love you for your thoughtfulness and they'll also admire your good
taste in selecting a gift certificate for genuine Einbinder flypaper,
the brand you've gradually grown to trust over the course of three generations.
And now the Monongahela Metal Foundry, makers of extra shiny steel ingots for
home and office use, invite you to ride with the men of Squad Car 119.
My name's Sam Finch. Me and my partner, Ralph R. Kruger Jr.,
are the unsung heroes of the police force.
We ride a prowl car at night.
Winter. Summer. Spring.
Labor Day. Always on the lookout for trouble. The other evening,
we'd just gone on duty, when my partner, Ralph R.
Kruger Jr., turned to me and said, I'll sure be glad when this night's over, Sam.
I haven't had any sleep in two days.
Just lie there trying to think of a town in Washington that begins with W.
What do you need to know that for? Well, I don't need to know it, Sam.
It's just a way to get to sleep. You know, think of a town in every state that
begins with the same letter as the state.
You mean like Philadelphia, Pennsylvania?
No, Sam, the same letter. Honolulu, Hawaii.
Anchorage, Alaska. Milwaukee, Minnesota.
Like that. Milwaukee is not in Minnesota, Ralph R. Kruger Jr. Really?
Well, there's some town up there next to St. Paul. I'll try to stay awake and
think of it. Calling car 119.
Car 119. Go to the corner of Rossmont and La Brea to meet up with the officers
from Unit 71 and help apprehend a suspect.
Gee, they want us to meet the guys from Unit 71, Sam.
Have we ever met them before? I don't think so.
Sure would have worn my good suit if I'd known we were going to be meeting new people.
I hate meeting people for the first time. Makes my palms get sweaty.
I know what you mean. I never know what to say to them.
Wearing this rumpled suit just makes it worse. With me, the bad part is having
to shake hands when my palms are sweaty.
New people always notice sweaty palms right off. Yeah, but you've got a knack for words, Ralph R.
I never know what to say. I suppose I talk to them while you shake hands.
Then they won't know I've got sweaty palms.
They'll still see my rumpled suit, though.
Maybe if I just stayed in the car and reached out the window to shake hands. That might work.
I sure hate meeting new people for the first time.
Car 119, Car 119, disregard that call to meet Unit 71 and help apprehend a suspect.
The situation is now under control. The suspect has been apprehended,
booked, and brought to trial.
In a moment, the results of that trial.
Now let me remind you that only two days remain to enter the giant sweepstakes
contest now going on at your Monongahela Metal Foundry.
There's nothing to buy and only a certain amount of obligation.
But you could win a full new set of extra shiny ingots every month for as long as you live.
Or one of 528 smaller prizes.
And the sweepstakes is so simple to enter. Just visit your local Monongahela
dealer and give him your estimate of the total number.
If your guess is close, you're a winner. But you must act before midnight tomorrow.
So get on your thinking cap and start preparing your estimate now.
Are punished under state law by a
term of no less than five years in the Correctional Institute at Soledad.
Well, that's it for today, folks. We hope you enjoyed yourself. We sure did. Sure did.
So this is Ray Goulding, reminding you to write if you get work.
And this is Bob Elliott, reminding you to hang by your thumbs.
Now take a few minutes to relax with Clinton after the episode.
I hope you enjoyed that. It was a lot of fun. and also nerve-wracking.
Because like Stan Freeberg, Bob Newhart, and Albert Brooks, Bob and Ray have
been a big influence on me when it comes to comedy.
But this project was the first time I've done an episode consisting entirely
of someone else's work verbatim.
Compiling the material, I picked lesser-known sketches.
You see, I was worried that if I attempted their most famous bits,
I'd end up doing them exactly the way Bob and Ray performed them,
instead of interpreting the work in their style.
The version I produced for the Mutual Audio Network contained an additional
five short sketches, and I'll include a link to that in the show notes for this
episode, The Bob and Ray Show.
If you're unfamiliar with Bob and Ray, here's a bit of background.
They began their careers working together at Boston radio station WHDH in the
1940s. Bob Elliott was a disc jockey, and Ray Goulding was a newscaster.
Their often absurdist improv banter led to a gig filling airtime when Boston
Red Sox games were rained out.
Hey, you have to start somewhere, right? It eventually led to their own weekday
radio show, Matinee with Bob and Ray, in 1946.
That cemented the billing order as Bob and Ray, and it's where they coined their
Right if you get work, hang by your thumb sign-off.
The pleasant slash unpleasant nature of the wording is just another example
of their poking fun at tradition.
The duo eventually moved to New York City, where they were an on-air staple for over 40 years.
They also had their own TV show, did commercial voiceovers, and even staged
a hit Broadway show, Bob and Ray, the two and only, in 1970,
as well as playing Carnegie Hall in 1984,
because that practice paid off.
The duo won three Peabody Awards and were inducted into the Broadcasting Hall of Fame in 1995.
And that just scratches the surface of their careers. You might also be familiar
with Bob Elliott's son, Chris Elliott,
probably best known for his work on Late Tonight with David Letterman,
as the cameraman in Groundhog Day, and as the town mayor on the TV series Schitt's Creek.
Chris's daughter, and by extension Bob Elliott's granddaughter,
Abby Elliott, was a Saturday Night Live cast member for four years.
Now that is one long comedy lineage. If you get a chance, please check out some
Bob and Ray material performed by the actual Bob and Ray.
Their Broadway show, Bob and Ray, The Two and Only, is available as an audio
recording made in front of an audience.
It's available on Spotify, and I'll have a link to it in the show notes for
this episode, The Bob and Ray Show.
That about wraps it up. But first, a very special shout out to the folks who
help power comedy4cast, my Patreon patrons,
including producer level patrons, Paul Barrie from the A Window to the Magic
podcast, Kirby Bartlett Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast,
Chuck Tomasi from the Technorama podcast, and Kyle Nishioka.
You too can support comedy4cast
and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month.
Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number four, on Patreon.com.
Or just click on the link on the comedy4cast homepage.
What could be easier? This episode was, of course, written by Bob Elliott and
Ray Goulding with additional material by me, Clinton Alvord.
I also did the voices and wrote the original music. Copyright 2025.
All rights reserved. Talk to you again next time. But for now,
that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye-bye.