1 00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:04,559 comedy4cast is the official podcast of Newton's Laws of Motion, 2 00:00:04,980 --> 00:00:08,940 Airport Shuttle Buses, and Rodeo Clowns. 3 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,360 The comedy4cast Network. 4 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:13,880 Let's dog-ear that for now. 5 00:00:16,340 --> 00:00:21,260 Oh hi! You're here! Great! Welcome to the show. I'm Clinton, 6 00:00:21,540 --> 00:00:27,480 and this is comedy4cast Episode 861, The Arcana Unity. 7 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:34,060 In this episode, Jess Krazier is back, doing a night gig instead of his usual 8 00:00:34,060 --> 00:00:35,880 Money Talks financial show. 9 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:40,960 This one may solve a few problems, but raise a whole lot more. 10 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:46,740 Before that, did you know you can support comedy4cast without spending a 11 00:00:46,740 --> 00:00:51,280 single penny or whatever it is that's replacing those? How? 12 00:00:51,860 --> 00:00:57,220 Recommend us to a friend. Repost a link. give us a review on Apple Podcasts 13 00:00:57,220 --> 00:00:59,020 or wherever you get your podcasts. 14 00:00:59,420 --> 00:01:03,680 And thank you. Now, let's have some fun. 15 00:01:06,220 --> 00:01:09,920 You're listening to K. O.K. K? K. 16 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:16,940 FM, serving the greater Chasm Valley and our one online listener. Hi, Ms. Havisham. 17 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:28,300 And now, it's time for Is That Right? with your host, Jess Krazier! 18 00:01:45,010 --> 00:01:50,090 I'm Jess Krazier, and tonight, on my brand new nighttime talk show, 19 00:01:50,470 --> 00:01:53,310 I'm taking your calls about conspiracy theories. 20 00:01:53,770 --> 00:01:59,630 I claim everyone has one, but I can't get anyone to confirm that on the record. 21 00:02:00,010 --> 00:02:04,990 And when I dig deeper, I begin to see a pattern, but not the kind of pattern 22 00:02:04,990 --> 00:02:09,210 that repeats, because all these conspiracy theories contradict each other, 23 00:02:09,410 --> 00:02:11,330 and nobody knows how that works. 24 00:02:11,990 --> 00:02:17,590 To explain how that works, my special guest tonight is a former CIA employee 25 00:02:17,590 --> 00:02:23,810 who, for reasons of personal safety, hides his identity behind the codename Thunderwings. 26 00:02:24,010 --> 00:02:26,449 Please welcome Tim Patterson. 27 00:02:26,830 --> 00:02:31,210 It's a good thing that's also a fake name. I was going to ask you about that, 28 00:02:31,310 --> 00:02:36,449 because I have the check for your appearance here tonight, and it's made out to Dirk Kinsner. 29 00:02:37,030 --> 00:02:42,330 Can we just get on with this? I have to go home to immediately move to some other city. 30 00:02:42,650 --> 00:02:47,150 Are you sure you can fit everything into that red Honda Fit you drove here? 31 00:02:47,690 --> 00:02:53,250 Stop doing that. Dirk, you claim to have developed a way to make sense of all 32 00:02:53,250 --> 00:02:54,630 these conspiracy theories. 33 00:02:54,990 --> 00:02:57,710 Yes, I've written a program. 34 00:02:58,110 --> 00:02:59,970 You did? Or did AI? 35 00:03:00,590 --> 00:03:06,190 Me. 100% me. I would never trust AI to write software for me. 36 00:03:06,449 --> 00:03:10,190 Because, as I suspected, it's controlled by big tech, right? 37 00:03:10,650 --> 00:03:14,730 No, I'm just no good at writing those prompts, you know? 38 00:03:14,930 --> 00:03:19,550 Write a program that does such and such. I just always seem to get bad pictures 39 00:03:19,550 --> 00:03:21,330 of cats in hockey uniforms. 40 00:03:21,690 --> 00:03:26,570 Never mind about your personal fetishes, Dick. We have callers on the line. Get to the point. 41 00:03:26,810 --> 00:03:34,710 Well, based on my experience in the agency, I developed what I call the Conspiracy 42 00:03:34,710 --> 00:03:37,970 Reconciliation Algorithmic Processor. 43 00:03:38,830 --> 00:03:45,550 It can take seemingly incompatible scenarios and integrate them into one rock-solid 44 00:03:45,550 --> 00:03:51,730 conspiracy theory you'll be proud to type in all caps in any comment section. 45 00:03:51,950 --> 00:03:57,150 I've also added in a dramatic voice to read the answers. Talk is cheap, Dick. 46 00:03:57,450 --> 00:04:00,810 At least that's what they tell me every time I ask for a raise around here. 47 00:04:00,970 --> 00:04:06,150 So, let's put your theory about your theory program to the test with our first caller. 48 00:04:06,470 --> 00:04:09,150 Caller number one, you're up. What's your question? 49 00:04:10,020 --> 00:04:13,280 At least that's what they tell me every time I have a razor around here. 50 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,399 Am I on? Turn your radio down, caller. 51 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:19,960 Better yet, smash it into a million pieces. 52 00:04:21,260 --> 00:04:28,940 Now, what's your question? Yes, I wanted to know, can your guest tell us more about those cats? 53 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:32,600 And the more details, the better. 54 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:36,460 Good grief, goodbye, good luck. Caller number two, you're up. 55 00:04:36,460 --> 00:04:40,720 And you'd better have a question about conspiracy theories. 56 00:04:41,140 --> 00:04:43,700 I most certainly do, Jess. Go ahead. 57 00:04:45,380 --> 00:04:51,560 There's a theory out there that has strong circumstantial evidence that 297 58 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:56,060 years were added to the calendar sometime before 1000 AD. 59 00:04:56,399 --> 00:05:01,960 But another one with equally strong, poorly documented evidence says many past 60 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:06,399 centuries are shorter than we've been told. Those can't both be true, 61 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,800 can they? Great question, Caller! 62 00:05:09,180 --> 00:05:13,140 Dirk, what does your mumbo-jumbotron say about those two ideas? 63 00:05:13,460 --> 00:05:15,940 Lots of time added versus taken away. 64 00:05:16,339 --> 00:05:21,520 I fed that in while you were talking, and the program has already reconciled it. 65 00:05:21,660 --> 00:05:24,899 And you claim you have a dramatic voice that reads the answers. 66 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,760 Time to use it! Oh, right. 67 00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:35,240 This all began in 623 A.D. on a small tidal island off the northeast coast of England. 68 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:41,040 It was there and then that master calendar maker Cuthbert of Lindensfarn began 69 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,480 to tire of plying his trade. 70 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:48,560 His calendar work was universally praised for its orderly sequence of days, 71 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,820 presented in handy wall or tabletop format. 72 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:56,700 Yet Cuthbert longed to travel, perhaps as far as Bebbanberg. 73 00:05:56,700 --> 00:06:01,920 He set himself to the task of creating a so-called perpetual calendar, 74 00:06:02,399 --> 00:06:06,720 one he could distribute to his legion of followers and then enjoy a life of 75 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:10,580 leisure off his immense calendar-making earnings. 76 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:15,180 Unfortunately, while Cuthbert was excellent at calendar-making, 77 00:06:15,580 --> 00:06:18,380 it seems he wasn't as good at his maths. 78 00:06:18,660 --> 00:06:22,860 His perpetual calendar was short by several weeks. 79 00:06:23,380 --> 00:06:28,360 Of course, most people soon noticed. But Cuthbert was held in such high regard, 80 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:32,620 the masses came to accept the fact that it snowed in midsummer, 81 00:06:32,620 --> 00:06:37,620 for surely it was the seasons, not Cuthbert's calendar, that was in error. 82 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:42,560 But eventually, to avoid the remote possibility of ridicule being cast upon 83 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:48,380 their noble profession, contemporary calendar makers decided action needed to be taken. 84 00:06:48,380 --> 00:06:54,080 Meeting in the blistering heat of winter 664, they all agreed to begin removing 85 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,660 random days from each year's calendar. 86 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:03,120 By the year 1000, the calendar makers had finally caught up with where they needed to be. 87 00:07:03,180 --> 00:07:09,120 But in a nod to their hero, Cuthbert, they decided to add an extra day into 88 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,920 the calendar every four years. 89 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:17,680 It sounds like that completely, thoroughly, longly answers your question, caller. 90 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:22,540 Yes, thank you very much. Now, about those cats... Goodbye, good luck! 91 00:07:23,140 --> 00:07:27,900 Caller number three, you're up. And with my finger poised right above the disconnect 92 00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:33,320 button, what is your non-cat-related conspiracy theory question for our guest? 93 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:39,580 Well, thank you, Jess. When it comes down to it, I think I'm more of a dog person anyway. 94 00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:43,520 In fact, I was just saying... Get on with it! Oh, right. 95 00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:51,100 Well, what I want to know is, Has your guest ever considered trying to generate 96 00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:55,500 images of dogs in sailor suits? Goodbye, good luck! 97 00:07:55,860 --> 00:07:59,120 That leaves us with time for just one more question. 98 00:07:59,420 --> 00:08:05,740 And my producer, who's on thin ice right now, assures me it is about conspiracy theories. 99 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:10,940 Caller number four, you're up. The world is listening. Make this good. 100 00:08:11,220 --> 00:08:14,160 What's your question about conspiracy theories? 101 00:08:14,860 --> 00:08:21,580 Thank you, Jess. I listen to your show all the time. 102 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,080 And yet, I'll only listen to you right now. 103 00:08:25,460 --> 00:08:31,740 Good trade-off. Now, ask your question. Well, I want to know about the big one. 104 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:34,260 The New World Order Theory. 105 00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:38,080 What the heck is that? And who exactly controls it? 106 00:08:38,420 --> 00:08:41,380 I've heard that the Illuminati are behind it. 107 00:08:41,620 --> 00:08:47,220 Or the Freemasons. Or some other well-known, highly talked about secret society. 108 00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:53,960 Or that it's run by that certain rising economic power. You know the one I'm talking about. 109 00:08:54,260 --> 00:08:56,780 Or that existing economic power. 110 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:05,920 I've heard people say it's run by the World Economic Forum, whatever the heck that is, or aliens. 111 00:09:06,620 --> 00:09:11,940 Or that it's controlled by that one religious group, or that other one, 112 00:09:12,220 --> 00:09:17,860 or by a group of evil billionaires, or even focus groups. 113 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,940 What exactly are they focusing on, Jess? 114 00:09:21,559 --> 00:09:27,320 World domination? I've read manifestos that were shorter and more entertaining. 115 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:32,940 So, Dirk, what is the deal with the New World Order? Okay, that's all been entered 116 00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:35,160 in, and here's the answer. 117 00:09:35,420 --> 00:09:37,280 Who controls the New World Order? 118 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:41,040 If you think you know what group is behind it, you're right. 119 00:09:41,420 --> 00:09:46,820 In fact, it's all of them, from the United Nations down to Girl Scout Troop 120 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:52,179 6394 and Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. It's quite inclusive. 121 00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:57,460 In fact, if you've ever been in a group chat, you might already be a member. 122 00:09:57,860 --> 00:10:04,200 But hush, because here's the secret. We know what the New World Order actually is. 123 00:10:04,420 --> 00:10:12,160 It is alphanumeric. But in the New World Order, letters come before numbers. 124 00:10:12,620 --> 00:10:13,880 Pure chaos. 125 00:10:14,559 --> 00:10:17,660 There you have it. So now you can log off. 126 00:10:17,860 --> 00:10:25,100 Go outside and get some fresh air for crying out loud. End of line I knew it 127 00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:29,120 But what about groups of cats? I figure... Goodbye good luck. 128 00:10:29,820 --> 00:10:33,799 Well, Dirk, that's all the time we have. If people want to get in touch with 129 00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:36,299 you, should they just write you at your email address? 130 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:40,120 I am not who you're looking for at anonymizer.com. 131 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:42,720 Dirk? 132 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:51,020 Until next time. Oh, my producer is telling me there won't be a next time for this show. 133 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:56,580 Fine. This is Jess Krazier, reminding you that you should always question everything. 134 00:10:56,580 --> 00:11:02,640 But then, just trust someone else to do the actual research for you. Goodbye, good luck! 135 00:11:06,820 --> 00:11:11,540 That about wraps it up for this episode. But first, a very special shout-out 136 00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:15,840 to the folks who help Power comedy4cast, my Patreon patrons, 137 00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:21,380 including producer-level patrons Paul Barrie from the A Window to the Magic podcast, 138 00:11:21,860 --> 00:11:25,760 Kirby Bartlett Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast, 139 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:29,600 Chuck Tomasi from the Technorama Podcast and 140 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,600 Kyle Nishioka You too can support 141 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:38,040 comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a 142 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:44,620 month Just search for comedy4cast all one word with the number 4 on Patreon.com 143 00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:50,460 or simply click on the link on the comedy4cast homepage In this episode, 144 00:11:50,700 --> 00:11:52,700 the parts of Dirk and Caller No. 145 00:11:52,820 --> 00:12:00,400 2 were played by Nathan Alvord Additional voices, script, and original music by me, Clinton Alvord. 146 00:12:00,860 --> 00:12:04,000 Copyright 2026. All rights reserved. 147 00:12:04,420 --> 00:12:08,520 Talk to you again next time. But for now, that's it. We're done, 148 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,400 done, done, done, done. Bye-bye.