Music. The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.
Oh, hi. Clinton here, and welcome to my show.
This is comed4cast, Episode 790, Call and Recall.
Brought to you by Kyle, Paul, Chuck from the Technorama Podcast,
Bryn, and my other amazing patrons. Thank you!
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All one word with the number four.
Okay then, on with the show.
Eons ago, when the world and podcasting were new, I did an episode of the show
where I talked about how impossible it is to figure people out.
Yeah, good luck with that, AI.
The example I used involved an office where I used to work and a table that was placed in the hall.
When people were cleaning up their offices or whatnot, they could put things on this table.
It was kind of like a permanent yard sale, except you didn't have to pay for anything.
You could just walk up and take things from the table for free.
So it really was more of like that thing that happens after a yard sale is over
and the rest of the stuff is left on the curb with a free sign on it,
usually I just take the sign.
What? It said free. Anyway, you get the idea.
Someone would put something on the table, and someone else would take it.
But the thing is, the most random, useless collection of stuff ever ended up on this table.
A spiral-bound notebook with three sheets of paper left in it.
A box of dried-out markers.
A half-dozen sporks. A Windows 3.1 user's manual. It was like some kind of weird Mensa puzzle.
Quick, complete the following sequence. Dry cleaning coat hanger,
magenta toner cartridge, picture of Hulk Hogan, and... But that wasn't the weird part.
Okay, that was weird. But stranger than that was the fact that every so often,
some of those items would disappear.
And it wasn't because the table was being cleaned off. No, some things would
sit on that table for weeks. weeks.
Yeah, people were making the conscious decision to take stuff off the table.
Now, who walks by, sees one arm of a Shrek toy and thinks, hey,
this is exactly what I need.
No one, no one does that. And yet things kept appearing and disappearing.
There are companies out there spending millions on advertising on primetime
TV and all over the internet, trying every underhanded technique in the book
to get people to buy things.
And most of the time, they fail.
But if someone puts an open box of chocolates with no expiration date on it
on the table of random things, poof, gone in five minutes.
This observation inspired me to set up a virtual table of random things,
a place where you, the listener, could drop off or pick up the most random things imaginable.
And wow, when the table was set up, did listeners respond.
Here's just a sample of the calls that came in to the super secret phone line.
I now have a Walt Disney Travel Company antenna ball with no antenna for it to go on.
And heck, since I don't need it, I figure I'll put my Mickey antenna ball on
the virtual table of random stuff. I'd like to leave off a set of flaming dingo kidneys.
Not sure where they came from, but it's pretty random, so I'm leaving them on
the table. You know, I think I'm going to put one of my brothers on here.
Which one should I put on?
If I put you on the table, would you beat someone up? Uh-uh. Would it?
Uh-uh. Okay, I'm going to put Daniel on the table with a nice supply of candy
so he won't, like, eat anyone. And Clinton, you rock.
I am totally taking, like, business cards with the pictures of the girls who will do things for you.
And there's a lot of air quoting going on there. Hey, Clinton, it's Scott.
Long-time listener, first-time caller. And I just wanted to drop off a Slinky
that I got in Washington, D.C.
And a one-fifth eaten bucket of cotton candy. and I'd like to pick up the half
an iPhone and say hi to Danny O'Kiss for me. Bye.
I'm going to take the peanut butter jars. This table idea you're talking about,
could we dog-ear that and come back to it later? I wanted to take the orange Tic Tacs.
And in exchange, I am going to
give something that is completely useless and it has a lot of dust on it.
I will call that the Barely love life.
Yeah, pretty much non-existent. And so, hey, I don't need it.
Hi. I've never called in before, so I figured I'd call in and say hey.
Hey. And I'd like to drop off on the virtual table of random things a coupon for eternal salvation.
I don't think I'm going to be needing it. And I'd like to swap that for the
rabbit's foot keychain with the key on it.
And as an added bonus, they also have a jar of very toxic-smelling rubber cement. Extra toxic.
I got something for the table of random things.
It's my old Motorola cell phone. No, the one with the cradle.
Yeah, I wanted to put my dog, like my dog's dinosaur squeaky toy.
And if Barely's love life is still there, I don't know, I will take that too.
I'm also going to leave behind a purple tie-dye Dragon Con t-shirt that was
found in the back room of the Adam Savage panel.
I think I want to take that flash drive with videos of the chickens running
around with their heads cut off. That should be fun to watch.
How about I got a maroon Sharpie. I've got a button here that says I read banned books.
And I've got one of those McDonald's Monopoly pieces. Looks like Illinois Avenue.
I don't know, maybe somebody can use that. I'm going to leave a waffle cone
that I stuck toothpicks into and decorated with frosting so it looks like a porcupine.
I'd like to leave a set of coconut shell bras on the table.
It's a device that when you push the button, it beeps. I would like to leave
something on the virtual table of random thing.
I'm going to leave an orange traffic cone and a half-used glow stick. Bye.
Clinton, ever since I put my Motorola cell phone on the table of random things, life's been hard.
I used to be able to make a call and with authorities say, I need that report
on my desk in the morning. Slam!
But now the jive is gone. My mojo's in the ditch.
I'm also going to drop off some of my preconceptions, because that's usually
a pretty good idea. In return, I'm going to pick up 7.2 of the cars and just
the yellow post-it notes.
I'd love to drop off a big box of coupons I found two years ago that are all pretty much outdated.
And I would like to take the inflatable MetLife blimp because this way I might
be able to travel without having to pay $25 to check my suitcase.
I have a lovely paperclip necklace and earring set that I would just love to leave for you.
I decided I would pick up the waffle cone, have anything in it,
and I'm going to eat the bottom off of it and then put it back on the table.
My virtual bookcases and my virtual closets are virtually bursting at the seams,
and I think that I have to get a better virtual job to buy a bigger virtual house.
I could go on like this for a long time, but I have to remind my virtual children
to feed their virtual pets.
Yes, I still have a landline here in the office. What of it?
Yeah, but where was I? Oh, right, the table. You could also send an email with
items to drop off or pick up.
For instance, here's part of one email that I read on comed4cast back on July 31st, 2008.
Henry Floyd the Awesome wrote in to say, I'm a huge fan of your show. Well, thank you, Henry.
When I heard about your table of random things, I knew just the place for a
few things I had in my junk drawer.
A small Tupperware containing four steel bolts supposedly found under a roller
coaster in Massachusetts.
I hope that roller coaster wasn't working anymore. A Lucky Charms cereal box,
empty, and the top half of a broken ceramic moon decoration.
Now, fast forward to a few weeks ago when this call came in on the super secret phone line.
Hey, Clinton. This is Henry Floyd. I know you probably don't remember me, but a while back,
not that I'm counting, but about 15 years and 166 days ago, I called in to drop
off a few things on the virtual table of random things.
Now, I know the table is long gone, but one of the things I dropped off was
a Ziploc bag of bolts I found under a roller coaster in Massachusetts.
Yeah, I'm going to need those back. There's this lawsuit, but the details aren't
important, But this is something about structural failure, hiding evidence from the court.
I know the table's not around anymore, but you wouldn't have just thrown away
the items that were left on it 15 years ago, would you?
Would you? Because if you did, then, well, oh boy. I wonder what the food in jail tastes like.
Anyway, thanks for making my high school bus ride bearable all those years ago,
and keep up the good work.
That was perhaps the longest callback in podcasting history.
Now, to answer your concerns, Henry, the virtual table isn't gone.
I just moved it to the other side of the studio.
Here, let me just... I'll just move this here.
There we go. And second, since the table is virtual, of course the container of bolts is still here.
I just have to find it. Let's see. Dead 9-volt battery, clay pot full of rocks,
set of four mismatched coasters, ukulele with one string, skull.
No, not that kind. Don't be silly. It's a full-sized rowing skull.
It's a birdhouse with birds in it.
Here it is. Bolts. These are on their way to you right now, Henry.
Virtually, of course. Thank you so much for calling in and the kind words.
But now, dear listener, the rest is up to you. The virtual table of random things
is back here in the spotlight.
Is there something you want to put on the table or take off?
Just call the super secret phone line at area code 213-290-4451.
If you're dialing internationally, that's in the United States.
Or send an email to comed4cast, all one word with the number four, at gmail.com.
But be sure to put virtual table in the subject line. Very important.
Let's see if we can get rid of all the things here on the table.
And replace them with things that are even more random.
This episode is copyright 2024 by me, Clinton Alvord, all rights reserved.
Next time, Danny Hillcrest will be here, giving you the definitive guide to
this summer's hottest movies.
You won't want to miss it. And yes, the annual big story, formerly known as
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can even subscribe by email? It's true.
Sign up over at comed4cast.com and get an email every time I release an episode.
Pretty cool. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done.
Music.