1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:10,480 Music. The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now. 2 00:00:10,391 --> 00:00:13,591 Oh, hi. Clinton here, and welcome to my show. 3 00:00:14,491 --> 00:00:21,091 This is comed4cast, Episode 790, Call and Recall. 4 00:00:21,491 --> 00:00:25,431 Brought to you by Kyle, Paul, Chuck from the Technorama Podcast, 5 00:00:26,051 --> 00:00:30,211 Bryn, and my other amazing patrons. Thank you! 6 00:00:30,971 --> 00:00:36,471 To become a patron yourself and help me do what I do, plus get episodes before 7 00:00:36,471 --> 00:00:40,591 everyone else, go to patreon.com slash comed4cast. 8 00:00:41,131 --> 00:00:43,851 All one word with the number four. 9 00:00:44,411 --> 00:00:46,631 Okay then, on with the show. 10 00:00:49,531 --> 00:00:56,591 Eons ago, when the world and podcasting were new, I did an episode of the show 11 00:00:56,591 --> 00:01:00,411 where I talked about how impossible it is to figure people out. 12 00:01:00,731 --> 00:01:03,551 Yeah, good luck with that, AI. 13 00:01:03,991 --> 00:01:10,871 The example I used involved an office where I used to work and a table that was placed in the hall. 14 00:01:11,391 --> 00:01:17,051 When people were cleaning up their offices or whatnot, they could put things on this table. 15 00:01:17,431 --> 00:01:22,451 It was kind of like a permanent yard sale, except you didn't have to pay for anything. 16 00:01:22,751 --> 00:01:26,471 You could just walk up and take things from the table for free. 17 00:01:27,051 --> 00:01:32,171 So it really was more of like that thing that happens after a yard sale is over 18 00:01:32,171 --> 00:01:36,311 and the rest of the stuff is left on the curb with a free sign on it, 19 00:01:37,151 --> 00:01:38,811 usually I just take the sign. 20 00:01:39,955 --> 00:01:43,695 What? It said free. Anyway, you get the idea. 21 00:01:44,035 --> 00:01:49,435 Someone would put something on the table, and someone else would take it. 22 00:01:49,595 --> 00:01:56,195 But the thing is, the most random, useless collection of stuff ever ended up on this table. 23 00:01:56,495 --> 00:02:00,895 A spiral-bound notebook with three sheets of paper left in it. 24 00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:02,875 A box of dried-out markers. 25 00:02:03,255 --> 00:02:10,655 A half-dozen sporks. A Windows 3.1 user's manual. It was like some kind of weird Mensa puzzle. 26 00:02:11,175 --> 00:02:15,075 Quick, complete the following sequence. Dry cleaning coat hanger, 27 00:02:15,375 --> 00:02:21,655 magenta toner cartridge, picture of Hulk Hogan, and... But that wasn't the weird part. 28 00:02:22,095 --> 00:02:27,015 Okay, that was weird. But stranger than that was the fact that every so often, 29 00:02:27,175 --> 00:02:29,615 some of those items would disappear. 30 00:02:30,195 --> 00:02:34,875 And it wasn't because the table was being cleaned off. No, some things would 31 00:02:34,875 --> 00:02:36,575 sit on that table for weeks. weeks. 32 00:02:36,835 --> 00:02:42,135 Yeah, people were making the conscious decision to take stuff off the table. 33 00:02:42,415 --> 00:02:46,895 Now, who walks by, sees one arm of a Shrek toy and thinks, hey, 34 00:02:47,135 --> 00:02:49,115 this is exactly what I need. 35 00:02:49,735 --> 00:02:56,295 No one, no one does that. And yet things kept appearing and disappearing. 36 00:02:56,975 --> 00:03:01,855 There are companies out there spending millions on advertising on primetime 37 00:03:01,855 --> 00:03:06,875 TV and all over the internet, trying every underhanded technique in the book 38 00:03:06,875 --> 00:03:08,335 to get people to buy things. 39 00:03:08,575 --> 00:03:11,135 And most of the time, they fail. 40 00:03:11,495 --> 00:03:16,735 But if someone puts an open box of chocolates with no expiration date on it 41 00:03:16,735 --> 00:03:20,775 on the table of random things, poof, gone in five minutes. 42 00:03:21,175 --> 00:03:26,435 This observation inspired me to set up a virtual table of random things, 43 00:03:26,555 --> 00:03:32,855 a place where you, the listener, could drop off or pick up the most random things imaginable. 44 00:03:32,855 --> 00:03:37,255 And wow, when the table was set up, did listeners respond. 45 00:03:37,915 --> 00:03:42,555 Here's just a sample of the calls that came in to the super secret phone line. 46 00:03:45,842 --> 00:03:51,662 I now have a Walt Disney Travel Company antenna ball with no antenna for it to go on. 47 00:03:51,962 --> 00:03:55,762 And heck, since I don't need it, I figure I'll put my Mickey antenna ball on 48 00:03:55,762 --> 00:03:59,682 the virtual table of random stuff. I'd like to leave off a set of flaming dingo kidneys. 49 00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:03,082 Not sure where they came from, but it's pretty random, so I'm leaving them on 50 00:04:03,082 --> 00:04:05,682 the table. You know, I think I'm going to put one of my brothers on here. 51 00:04:05,822 --> 00:04:06,502 Which one should I put on? 52 00:04:06,962 --> 00:04:10,262 If I put you on the table, would you beat someone up? Uh-uh. Would it? 53 00:04:10,562 --> 00:04:14,682 Uh-uh. Okay, I'm going to put Daniel on the table with a nice supply of candy 54 00:04:14,682 --> 00:04:17,462 so he won't, like, eat anyone. And Clinton, you rock. 55 00:04:17,742 --> 00:04:27,102 I am totally taking, like, business cards with the pictures of the girls who will do things for you. 56 00:04:27,162 --> 00:04:31,202 And there's a lot of air quoting going on there. Hey, Clinton, it's Scott. 57 00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:36,002 Long-time listener, first-time caller. And I just wanted to drop off a Slinky 58 00:04:36,002 --> 00:04:37,822 that I got in Washington, D.C. 59 00:04:37,922 --> 00:04:42,362 And a one-fifth eaten bucket of cotton candy. and I'd like to pick up the half 60 00:04:42,362 --> 00:04:45,182 an iPhone and say hi to Danny O'Kiss for me. Bye. 61 00:04:45,502 --> 00:04:49,902 I'm going to take the peanut butter jars. This table idea you're talking about, 62 00:04:50,342 --> 00:04:54,642 could we dog-ear that and come back to it later? I wanted to take the orange Tic Tacs. 63 00:04:54,882 --> 00:04:57,562 And in exchange, I am going to 64 00:04:57,562 --> 00:05:01,942 give something that is completely useless and it has a lot of dust on it. 65 00:05:02,182 --> 00:05:06,122 I will call that the Barely love life. 66 00:05:07,582 --> 00:05:10,162 Yeah, pretty much non-existent. And so, hey, I don't need it. 67 00:05:10,362 --> 00:05:13,702 Hi. I've never called in before, so I figured I'd call in and say hey. 68 00:05:14,042 --> 00:05:20,582 Hey. And I'd like to drop off on the virtual table of random things a coupon for eternal salvation. 69 00:05:20,882 --> 00:05:24,582 I don't think I'm going to be needing it. And I'd like to swap that for the 70 00:05:24,582 --> 00:05:26,462 rabbit's foot keychain with the key on it. 71 00:05:26,802 --> 00:05:32,902 And as an added bonus, they also have a jar of very toxic-smelling rubber cement. Extra toxic. 72 00:05:33,402 --> 00:05:36,342 I got something for the table of random things. 73 00:05:36,802 --> 00:05:40,742 It's my old Motorola cell phone. No, the one with the cradle. 74 00:05:41,042 --> 00:05:46,742 Yeah, I wanted to put my dog, like my dog's dinosaur squeaky toy. 75 00:05:46,942 --> 00:05:51,482 And if Barely's love life is still there, I don't know, I will take that too. 76 00:05:51,742 --> 00:05:56,402 I'm also going to leave behind a purple tie-dye Dragon Con t-shirt that was 77 00:05:56,402 --> 00:05:58,762 found in the back room of the Adam Savage panel. 78 00:05:59,082 --> 00:06:04,122 I think I want to take that flash drive with videos of the chickens running 79 00:06:04,122 --> 00:06:07,122 around with their heads cut off. That should be fun to watch. 80 00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:13,702 How about I got a maroon Sharpie. I've got a button here that says I read banned books. 81 00:06:14,102 --> 00:06:18,902 And I've got one of those McDonald's Monopoly pieces. Looks like Illinois Avenue. 82 00:06:19,222 --> 00:06:22,342 I don't know, maybe somebody can use that. I'm going to leave a waffle cone 83 00:06:22,342 --> 00:06:26,522 that I stuck toothpicks into and decorated with frosting so it looks like a porcupine. 84 00:06:26,662 --> 00:06:31,662 I'd like to leave a set of coconut shell bras on the table. 85 00:06:31,862 --> 00:06:36,362 It's a device that when you push the button, it beeps. I would like to leave 86 00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:38,302 something on the virtual table of random thing. 87 00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:42,681 I'm going to leave an orange traffic cone and a half-used glow stick. Bye. 88 00:06:43,561 --> 00:06:48,681 Clinton, ever since I put my Motorola cell phone on the table of random things, life's been hard. 89 00:06:49,221 --> 00:06:53,021 I used to be able to make a call and with authorities say, I need that report 90 00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:54,961 on my desk in the morning. Slam! 91 00:06:55,921 --> 00:06:59,001 But now the jive is gone. My mojo's in the ditch. 92 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:03,841 I'm also going to drop off some of my preconceptions, because that's usually 93 00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:10,101 a pretty good idea. In return, I'm going to pick up 7.2 of the cars and just 94 00:07:10,101 --> 00:07:11,601 the yellow post-it notes. 95 00:07:11,781 --> 00:07:18,501 I'd love to drop off a big box of coupons I found two years ago that are all pretty much outdated. 96 00:07:18,921 --> 00:07:24,801 And I would like to take the inflatable MetLife blimp because this way I might 97 00:07:24,801 --> 00:07:28,681 be able to travel without having to pay $25 to check my suitcase. 98 00:07:29,001 --> 00:07:34,361 I have a lovely paperclip necklace and earring set that I would just love to leave for you. 99 00:07:34,361 --> 00:07:39,301 I decided I would pick up the waffle cone, have anything in it, 100 00:07:39,361 --> 00:07:44,481 and I'm going to eat the bottom off of it and then put it back on the table. 101 00:07:44,701 --> 00:07:50,581 My virtual bookcases and my virtual closets are virtually bursting at the seams, 102 00:07:50,621 --> 00:07:55,701 and I think that I have to get a better virtual job to buy a bigger virtual house. 103 00:07:55,881 --> 00:08:01,001 I could go on like this for a long time, but I have to remind my virtual children 104 00:08:01,001 --> 00:08:02,841 to feed their virtual pets. 105 00:08:04,601 --> 00:08:08,001 Yes, I still have a landline here in the office. What of it? 106 00:08:08,709 --> 00:08:13,609 Yeah, but where was I? Oh, right, the table. You could also send an email with 107 00:08:13,609 --> 00:08:15,449 items to drop off or pick up. 108 00:08:15,569 --> 00:08:23,109 For instance, here's part of one email that I read on comed4cast back on July 31st, 2008. 109 00:08:26,269 --> 00:08:33,169 Henry Floyd the Awesome wrote in to say, I'm a huge fan of your show. Well, thank you, Henry. 110 00:08:33,549 --> 00:08:37,969 When I heard about your table of random things, I knew just the place for a 111 00:08:37,969 --> 00:08:40,069 few things I had in my junk drawer. 112 00:08:40,929 --> 00:08:45,869 A small Tupperware containing four steel bolts supposedly found under a roller 113 00:08:45,869 --> 00:08:46,849 coaster in Massachusetts. 114 00:08:48,089 --> 00:08:52,509 I hope that roller coaster wasn't working anymore. A Lucky Charms cereal box, 115 00:08:52,829 --> 00:08:57,189 empty, and the top half of a broken ceramic moon decoration. 116 00:08:59,969 --> 00:09:06,669 Now, fast forward to a few weeks ago when this call came in on the super secret phone line. 117 00:09:07,649 --> 00:09:13,629 Hey, Clinton. This is Henry Floyd. I know you probably don't remember me, but a while back, 118 00:09:13,889 --> 00:09:20,269 not that I'm counting, but about 15 years and 166 days ago, I called in to drop 119 00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:22,669 off a few things on the virtual table of random things. 120 00:09:23,209 --> 00:09:26,989 Now, I know the table is long gone, but one of the things I dropped off was 121 00:09:26,989 --> 00:09:29,929 a Ziploc bag of bolts I found under a roller coaster in Massachusetts. 122 00:09:30,829 --> 00:09:35,709 Yeah, I'm going to need those back. There's this lawsuit, but the details aren't 123 00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:39,349 important, But this is something about structural failure, hiding evidence from the court. 124 00:09:39,489 --> 00:09:43,229 I know the table's not around anymore, but you wouldn't have just thrown away 125 00:09:43,229 --> 00:09:45,889 the items that were left on it 15 years ago, would you? 126 00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:54,629 Would you? Because if you did, then, well, oh boy. I wonder what the food in jail tastes like. 127 00:09:56,189 --> 00:09:59,909 Anyway, thanks for making my high school bus ride bearable all those years ago, 128 00:10:00,029 --> 00:10:01,609 and keep up the good work. 129 00:10:02,709 --> 00:10:08,009 That was perhaps the longest callback in podcasting history. 130 00:10:08,949 --> 00:10:13,189 Now, to answer your concerns, Henry, the virtual table isn't gone. 131 00:10:13,449 --> 00:10:15,829 I just moved it to the other side of the studio. 132 00:10:16,529 --> 00:10:20,869 Here, let me just... I'll just move this here. 133 00:10:21,549 --> 00:10:28,169 There we go. And second, since the table is virtual, of course the container of bolts is still here. 134 00:10:28,549 --> 00:10:35,689 I just have to find it. Let's see. Dead 9-volt battery, clay pot full of rocks, 135 00:10:36,089 --> 00:10:43,049 set of four mismatched coasters, ukulele with one string, skull. 136 00:10:44,049 --> 00:10:47,889 No, not that kind. Don't be silly. It's a full-sized rowing skull. 137 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:52,329 It's a birdhouse with birds in it. 138 00:10:53,378 --> 00:10:58,018 Here it is. Bolts. These are on their way to you right now, Henry. 139 00:10:59,038 --> 00:11:03,218 Virtually, of course. Thank you so much for calling in and the kind words. 140 00:11:03,578 --> 00:11:09,298 But now, dear listener, the rest is up to you. The virtual table of random things 141 00:11:09,298 --> 00:11:10,538 is back here in the spotlight. 142 00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:14,758 Is there something you want to put on the table or take off? 143 00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:23,078 Just call the super secret phone line at area code 213-290-4451. 144 00:11:23,258 --> 00:11:27,098 If you're dialing internationally, that's in the United States. 145 00:11:27,778 --> 00:11:34,898 Or send an email to comed4cast, all one word with the number four, at gmail.com. 146 00:11:35,138 --> 00:11:40,338 But be sure to put virtual table in the subject line. Very important. 147 00:11:40,838 --> 00:11:44,158 Let's see if we can get rid of all the things here on the table. 148 00:11:44,758 --> 00:11:48,138 And replace them with things that are even more random. 149 00:11:50,138 --> 00:11:56,098 This episode is copyright 2024 by me, Clinton Alvord, all rights reserved. 150 00:11:56,778 --> 00:12:02,298 Next time, Danny Hillcrest will be here, giving you the definitive guide to 151 00:12:02,298 --> 00:12:03,858 this summer's hottest movies. 152 00:12:04,178 --> 00:12:09,818 You won't want to miss it. And yes, the annual big story, formerly known as 153 00:12:09,818 --> 00:12:13,158 the April Podcast-a-Day Spectacular, is on its way. 154 00:12:13,838 --> 00:12:19,298 Just not yet. So stay subscribed. Oh, and speaking of that, did you know you 155 00:12:19,298 --> 00:12:22,138 can even subscribe by email? It's true. 156 00:12:22,858 --> 00:12:28,458 Sign up over at comed4cast.com and get an email every time I release an episode. 157 00:12:28,938 --> 00:12:33,458 Pretty cool. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. 158 00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:49,166 Music.