Music. The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now. Oh, hi! Clinton
Here. And welcome to my show, Comedy4cast, brought to you by our amazing Patreon patrons.
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That's all one word with the number 4. But right now, it's time for you to
match wits with Detective Haartte.
Don't worry, you've got this. Enjoy the show, and I'll be back a bit later.
Music.
Oh, it's you. Back for another lesson in the fine art of becoming a private eye, I see.
Smart choice. Because you have a lot to learn about being a detective.
I know, because people still say the same thing to me.
Who am I? The name's Haartte. Detective Haartte. Two A's, two T's. Spell it right.
Say it right. And this is HaartteStoppers, and a little incident I like to call
the case of the dog gone murder. Are you ready? Ready?
I can't hear you. No, really, I can't hear you. This was recorded before you
listened to it. Use your head.
It was a Saturday night. I was in the lobby of the Middling Fair Performing
Arts Center and Periodic Table and Chairs Showroom.
Not my usual cup of joe for sure, but the ticket was free.
Sheena Perryman, the young woman who lives across the hall from my office slash
apartment slash don't tell anyone I'm using my office as my apartment couldn't
make it to the show. So she gave me her ticket.
At first, I thought it was a
kind gesture. But then the curtain went up on act one of Dogs the Musical.
This canine all-beef turkey is based on that painting of dogs playing poker.
It's like being stuck in a kennel. I know what you're thinking.
Hey, Haartte, that premise sounds Sounds pretty thin. This ain't no puppy bowl. Sure.
But trust me, music makes it ten times worse.
I was enjoying a stiff drink as my reward for making it through Act One.
Did we need that fire hydrant scene? When suddenly, my sleuthing skill Sixth
Sense told me that something was up.
Besides the price of a souvenir t-shirt. Forty-nine bucks!
I decided to investigate. Anything was better than going back to my seat for
Act Two. Is there time for another drink?
No, really. It's a terrible show.
This isn't my collar. I made it behind the curtain.
That's when I ran into Pops, the stage doorkeeper.
Hold on a second. Where do you think you're going?
The audience ain't allowed back here. Oh, sure.
But you're more than happy to let them sit out front and watch this show, aren't you, pops?
Besides, I have a...
Scream. Music.
That sounds like the stage manager, Patty Gree.
Pops and I rushed off in the direction of the scream. Well, I rushed.
Pops waddled over like a penguin looking for a bathroom.
The scream had come from one of the dressing rooms. Someone was kneeling over a body on the floor.
What's the matter, Miss Gree? It's Duke Bassett, Pops. I think he's dead.
Call the police. You got it.
And make sure no one leaves the building. Who the heck are you?
The name's Haartte. Detective Haartte. Two A's, two T's. Spell it right.
Say it right. A detective?
Oh, thank goodness.
There's been a... A murder? Yes!
As a detective, you have to develop your empathy and have ways to comfort people
in situations like this.
And it's definitely on my list of things to do. Maybe I should move it up a few spots.
Perhaps I can help you, detective.
No thanks, Fido. I beg your pardon? Isn't that your name?
It's what it says on your dog tag right there below your big fat head. Ah, the costume.
I am Jack Russell, star of this production. And this is...
Was Duke Bassett, a member of our humble ensemble.
The sign on the door says this is your dressing room. Where were you when all
this happened? What are you insinuating?
Mr. Russell was with me, Detective Haartte, by the stage curtain.
That's when some of the cast found poor Duke.
The police are on their way, Miss Gree.
But that audience sounds kind of restless.
We certainly do not want a repeat of Dayton.
You're right, Jack. Detective, do you think we can continue the show?
I wish you'd asked me that before you started Act One.
But sure, as long as everyone stays inside the theater and I don't have to be in the audience.
Because I have to investigate this murder. All right, everyone.
On with the show. Why is his dressing room so big?
It matches his head. Aren't you forgetting something?
You're down by one dog. Duke didn't have no lines.
He joined the show a few weeks ago as a background mutt.
Yeah, he wanted to be an actor in the worst way.
If he was in this show, mission accomplished.
Right now, the play is the thing.
I will return shortly,
Don't tell me the second act is shorter than the first! No, detective Act two
begins with the death of Fido,
It's Jack's...Russell was in the original Broadway cast of Dogs back in the 90s
and had been playing the role of Fido ever since.
Even that horrible movie version.
His character kicks off act two.
Literally, Fido chases a poker chip over a cliff.
That's when he sings the big show-stopping number, All Dogs Go to New Haven.
He gets harnessed up, and I fly him out over the audience and then pull him up into the rafters.
Whew! Reminds me, I'd better get ready myself!
Music.
But I had a real dead dog on my hands. Duke Bassett.
He'd been struck on the back of the head with some sort of big,
heavy object. I decided to take a look around the dressing room.
Makeup. Clothes. Piles of glossy, pre-autographed headshots.
No, I am not a furry. Jack Russell.
Nothing in the room could have done in Duke Bassett. But how could the killer
get the murder weapon out of the room? I had to think fast.
The police would be here any minute, and I needed to solve this crime before they got the collar.
Detective, you do know that I can hear you.
Sorry, I forgot to switch back to my signature voiceover mode.
Just then, Jack... Ah, damn it! Just then, Jack Russell stormed back into the dressing room.
That is it! I have had it with these simpleton audiences!
They have no imagination! What's wrong, Jack?
How many times have I done that idiotic song?
Don't even take a guess! I will tell you!
4,312 times! So tonight, I finally decided to mix things up and not fly out
over the audience. What?
Why? Clearly, I was upset about what happened to Duke What's-His-Name.
What did you do, Jack? I slowly, yet dramatically, strolled offstage, shaking my head.
My giant dog head.
And do you know what they did? They booed me. Me, Jack Russell! Stop right there! Stroll?
Jack, your character is supposed to be dead.
Hey, he looked like a giant bobblehead out there. Just bop, bop, bopping along.
I said stop. Why, tonight, Jack, I'm here dealing with a murder.
And you're out there doing improv? Didn't you hear me? I said, oh, damn it.
Stop right there. I beg your pardon? Who do you think you're talking... Heel, Fido.
I just solved this case.
But, did you? The clues are all there.
You just have to put them in order. Maybe alphabetically. Maybe by height. That's up to you.
If you're still not sure, I'll give you six seconds to figure it out.
Time's up! The murderer was clearly Pops.
I mean, who names their kid Pops? He'd probably been carrying around that shame
for years, and watching that canine catastrophe of a musical night after night
must have sent him over the edge.
Poor guy. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Oh, and the dead guy,
too. I hear he was a good boy.
I still need to work on that empathy thing. Naturally, the police had a different theory.
They said that Jack Russell killed Duke Bassett.
Apparently, Russell thought Bassett was brought in to take over his part of the show.
So Russell used his Tony Award to kill Bassett. Seems Russell brought his Tony
with him wherever he went.
Must have made for some awkward late-night rendezvous.
Then the police claim Russell hid the award in the big head of his costume,
which is why he refused to get into the flying harness.
He knew Pops couldn't lift him with all that extra weight.
Dream on. Pops clearly had the strength of 10 ordinary men.
At some point in his life, I'm guessing the Roaring Twenties.
So, how'd you do? Did you come to my brilliant conclusion? conclusion? No?
Don't worry. There's always next time, because I have a thousand cases that you can try to solve.
Trust me, I'm trying to solve them, too. Until then, remember those famous words
of the great Sherlock Holmes.
Hey, Watson, does this hat make me look like a boss?
In this episode as Patty
Gree, Bonnie Kenderdine. Additional voices as well as story and music by me Clinton
Alvord, copyright 2023 all rights reserved. Now next time i'll have something
brand new with a big dash of nostalgia. But for now that's it. We're done, done, done,
done, done. Bye bye. Music.