1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,720 Music. The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now. Oh, hi! Clinton 2 00:00:08,564 --> 00:00:16,664 Here. And welcome to my show, Comedy4cast, brought to you by our amazing Patreon patrons. 3 00:00:17,084 --> 00:00:21,024 Thank you. To become a patron and help me do what I do here, 4 00:00:21,204 --> 00:00:27,344 plus get episodes before everyone else, go to patreon.com slash comedy4cast. 5 00:00:27,784 --> 00:00:33,444 That's all one word with the number 4. But right now, it's time for you to 6 00:00:33,444 --> 00:00:34,964 match wits with Detective Haartte. 7 00:00:35,504 --> 00:00:41,204 Don't worry, you've got this. Enjoy the show, and I'll be back a bit later. 8 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:54,800 Music. 9 00:00:54,564 --> 00:01:00,444 Oh, it's you. Back for another lesson in the fine art of becoming a private eye, I see. 10 00:01:00,764 --> 00:01:05,164 Smart choice. Because you have a lot to learn about being a detective. 11 00:01:05,524 --> 00:01:09,384 I know, because people still say the same thing to me. 12 00:01:10,044 --> 00:01:16,344 Who am I? The name's Haartte. Detective Haartte. Two A's, two T's. Spell it right. 13 00:01:16,784 --> 00:01:22,284 Say it right. And this is HaartteStoppers, and a little incident I like to call 14 00:01:22,284 --> 00:01:26,924 the case of the dog gone murder. Are you ready? Ready? 15 00:01:28,225 --> 00:01:33,405 I can't hear you. No, really, I can't hear you. This was recorded before you 16 00:01:33,405 --> 00:01:35,185 listened to it. Use your head. 17 00:01:40,085 --> 00:01:45,085 It was a Saturday night. I was in the lobby of the Middling Fair Performing 18 00:01:45,085 --> 00:01:48,185 Arts Center and Periodic Table and Chairs Showroom. 19 00:01:48,665 --> 00:01:52,785 Not my usual cup of joe for sure, but the ticket was free. 20 00:01:53,425 --> 00:01:57,725 Sheena Perryman, the young woman who lives across the hall from my office slash 21 00:01:57,725 --> 00:02:01,885 apartment slash don't tell anyone I'm using my office as my apartment couldn't 22 00:02:01,885 --> 00:02:04,745 make it to the show. So she gave me her ticket. 23 00:02:05,365 --> 00:02:07,065 At first, I thought it was a 24 00:02:07,065 --> 00:02:13,845 kind gesture. But then the curtain went up on act one of Dogs the Musical. 25 00:02:15,005 --> 00:02:19,505 This canine all-beef turkey is based on that painting of dogs playing poker. 26 00:02:19,785 --> 00:02:22,425 It's like being stuck in a kennel. I know what you're thinking. 27 00:02:22,685 --> 00:02:26,925 Hey, Haartte, that premise sounds Sounds pretty thin. This ain't no puppy bowl. Sure. 28 00:02:27,385 --> 00:02:31,225 But trust me, music makes it ten times worse. 29 00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:35,925 I was enjoying a stiff drink as my reward for making it through Act One. 30 00:02:36,085 --> 00:02:41,225 Did we need that fire hydrant scene? When suddenly, my sleuthing skill Sixth 31 00:02:41,225 --> 00:02:43,065 Sense told me that something was up. 32 00:02:43,245 --> 00:02:47,585 Besides the price of a souvenir t-shirt. Forty-nine bucks! 33 00:02:48,165 --> 00:02:52,625 I decided to investigate. Anything was better than going back to my seat for 34 00:02:52,625 --> 00:02:55,385 Act Two. Is there time for another drink? 35 00:02:55,645 --> 00:02:57,645 No, really. It's a terrible show. 36 00:03:03,165 --> 00:03:07,965 This isn't my collar. I made it behind the curtain. 37 00:03:08,445 --> 00:03:12,905 That's when I ran into Pops, the stage doorkeeper. 38 00:03:13,445 --> 00:03:18,685 Hold on a second. Where do you think you're going? 39 00:03:18,905 --> 00:03:22,665 The audience ain't allowed back here. Oh, sure. 40 00:03:23,025 --> 00:03:27,525 But you're more than happy to let them sit out front and watch this show, aren't you, pops? 41 00:03:28,465 --> 00:03:30,085 Besides, I have a... 42 00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:36,880 Scream. Music. 43 00:03:36,741 --> 00:03:40,381 That sounds like the stage manager, Patty Gree. 44 00:03:41,101 --> 00:03:46,041 Pops and I rushed off in the direction of the scream. Well, I rushed. 45 00:03:46,421 --> 00:03:49,701 Pops waddled over like a penguin looking for a bathroom. 46 00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:56,341 The scream had come from one of the dressing rooms. Someone was kneeling over a body on the floor. 47 00:03:59,801 --> 00:04:06,681 What's the matter, Miss Gree? It's Duke Bassett, Pops. I think he's dead. 48 00:04:07,701 --> 00:04:12,161 Call the police. You got it. 49 00:04:13,061 --> 00:04:18,081 And make sure no one leaves the building. Who the heck are you? 50 00:04:18,521 --> 00:04:23,261 The name's Haartte. Detective Haartte. Two A's, two T's. Spell it right. 51 00:04:23,401 --> 00:04:26,001 Say it right. A detective? 52 00:04:26,561 --> 00:04:28,961 Oh, thank goodness. 53 00:04:29,941 --> 00:04:34,961 There's been a... A murder? Yes! 54 00:04:37,741 --> 00:04:43,481 As a detective, you have to develop your empathy and have ways to comfort people 55 00:04:43,481 --> 00:04:45,101 in situations like this. 56 00:04:48,601 --> 00:04:54,301 And it's definitely on my list of things to do. Maybe I should move it up a few spots. 57 00:04:54,841 --> 00:04:57,201 Perhaps I can help you, detective. 58 00:04:57,761 --> 00:05:02,681 No thanks, Fido. I beg your pardon? Isn't that your name? 59 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:09,541 It's what it says on your dog tag right there below your big fat head. Ah, the costume. 60 00:05:15,101 --> 00:05:20,681 I am Jack Russell, star of this production. And this is... 61 00:05:21,541 --> 00:05:25,701 Was Duke Bassett, a member of our humble ensemble. 62 00:05:25,961 --> 00:05:31,181 The sign on the door says this is your dressing room. Where were you when all 63 00:05:31,181 --> 00:05:33,681 this happened? What are you insinuating? 64 00:05:34,914 --> 00:05:39,274 Mr. Russell was with me, Detective Haartte, by the stage curtain. 65 00:05:39,794 --> 00:05:44,954 That's when some of the cast found poor Duke. 66 00:05:46,754 --> 00:05:49,794 The police are on their way, Miss Gree. 67 00:05:50,754 --> 00:05:54,174 But that audience sounds kind of restless. 68 00:05:54,774 --> 00:05:57,854 We certainly do not want a repeat of Dayton. 69 00:05:58,174 --> 00:06:05,034 You're right, Jack. Detective, do you think we can continue the show? 70 00:06:05,514 --> 00:06:08,594 I wish you'd asked me that before you started Act One. 71 00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:14,094 But sure, as long as everyone stays inside the theater and I don't have to be in the audience. 72 00:06:14,414 --> 00:06:18,934 Because I have to investigate this murder. All right, everyone. 73 00:06:19,674 --> 00:06:25,334 On with the show. Why is his dressing room so big? 74 00:06:25,634 --> 00:06:29,554 It matches his head. Aren't you forgetting something? 75 00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:34,534 You're down by one dog. Duke didn't have no lines. 76 00:06:34,854 --> 00:06:39,554 He joined the show a few weeks ago as a background mutt. 77 00:06:39,674 --> 00:06:43,154 Yeah, he wanted to be an actor in the worst way. 78 00:06:43,594 --> 00:06:47,194 If he was in this show, mission accomplished. 79 00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:50,854 Right now, the play is the thing. 80 00:06:55,894 --> 00:06:58,794 I will return shortly, 81 00:07:01,894 --> 00:07:08,334 Don't tell me the second act is shorter than the first! No, detective Act two 82 00:07:08,334 --> 00:07:12,634 begins with the death of Fido, 83 00:07:13,814 --> 00:07:19,054 It's Jack's...Russell was in the original Broadway cast of Dogs back in the 90s 84 00:07:19,054 --> 00:07:21,714 and had been playing the role of Fido ever since. 85 00:07:22,194 --> 00:07:24,334 Even that horrible movie version. 86 00:07:25,134 --> 00:07:26,774 His character kicks off act two. 87 00:07:27,854 --> 00:07:30,994 Literally, Fido chases a poker chip over a cliff. 88 00:07:31,194 --> 00:07:40,034 That's when he sings the big show-stopping number, All Dogs Go to New Haven. 89 00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:47,534 He gets harnessed up, and I fly him out over the audience and then pull him up into the rafters. 90 00:07:48,714 --> 00:07:51,354 Whew! Reminds me, I'd better get ready myself! 91 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:59,120 Music. 92 00:08:00,008 --> 00:08:06,008 But I had a real dead dog on my hands. Duke Bassett. 93 00:08:06,428 --> 00:08:09,428 He'd been struck on the back of the head with some sort of big, 94 00:08:09,488 --> 00:08:13,408 heavy object. I decided to take a look around the dressing room. 95 00:08:15,708 --> 00:08:22,068 Makeup. Clothes. Piles of glossy, pre-autographed headshots. 96 00:08:23,528 --> 00:08:27,408 No, I am not a furry. Jack Russell. 97 00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:32,828 Nothing in the room could have done in Duke Bassett. But how could the killer 98 00:08:32,828 --> 00:08:36,088 get the murder weapon out of the room? I had to think fast. 99 00:08:36,368 --> 00:08:41,688 The police would be here any minute, and I needed to solve this crime before they got the collar. 100 00:08:42,228 --> 00:08:47,328 Detective, you do know that I can hear you. 101 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:52,548 Sorry, I forgot to switch back to my signature voiceover mode. 102 00:08:53,428 --> 00:09:00,268 Just then, Jack... Ah, damn it! Just then, Jack Russell stormed back into the dressing room. 103 00:09:00,608 --> 00:09:04,828 That is it! I have had it with these simpleton audiences! 104 00:09:06,308 --> 00:09:10,648 They have no imagination! What's wrong, Jack? 105 00:09:12,128 --> 00:09:15,648 How many times have I done that idiotic song? 106 00:09:16,108 --> 00:09:18,888 Don't even take a guess! I will tell you! 107 00:09:19,128 --> 00:09:28,868 4,312 times! So tonight, I finally decided to mix things up and not fly out 108 00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:30,408 over the audience. What? 109 00:09:31,764 --> 00:09:38,544 Why? Clearly, I was upset about what happened to Duke What's-His-Name. 110 00:09:38,764 --> 00:09:48,704 What did you do, Jack? I slowly, yet dramatically, strolled offstage, shaking my head. 111 00:09:49,484 --> 00:09:51,744 My giant dog head. 112 00:09:52,644 --> 00:10:00,284 And do you know what they did? They booed me. Me, Jack Russell! Stop right there! Stroll? 113 00:10:02,624 --> 00:10:07,744 Jack, your character is supposed to be dead. 114 00:10:08,284 --> 00:10:14,824 Hey, he looked like a giant bobblehead out there. Just bop, bop, bopping along. 115 00:10:15,424 --> 00:10:22,244 I said stop. Why, tonight, Jack, I'm here dealing with a murder. 116 00:10:23,364 --> 00:10:29,984 And you're out there doing improv? Didn't you hear me? I said, oh, damn it. 117 00:10:30,624 --> 00:10:36,664 Stop right there. I beg your pardon? Who do you think you're talking... Heel, Fido. 118 00:10:37,084 --> 00:10:39,404 I just solved this case. 119 00:10:42,844 --> 00:10:46,224 But, did you? The clues are all there. 120 00:10:46,544 --> 00:10:51,564 You just have to put them in order. Maybe alphabetically. Maybe by height. That's up to you. 121 00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:56,404 If you're still not sure, I'll give you six seconds to figure it out. 122 00:11:02,724 --> 00:11:09,084 Time's up! The murderer was clearly Pops. 123 00:11:09,924 --> 00:11:14,124 I mean, who names their kid Pops? He'd probably been carrying around that shame 124 00:11:14,124 --> 00:11:19,024 for years, and watching that canine catastrophe of a musical night after night 125 00:11:19,024 --> 00:11:21,164 must have sent him over the edge. 126 00:11:22,224 --> 00:11:27,404 Poor guy. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Oh, and the dead guy, 127 00:11:27,504 --> 00:11:29,824 too. I hear he was a good boy. 128 00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:36,986 I still need to work on that empathy thing. Naturally, the police had a different theory. 129 00:11:37,306 --> 00:11:40,026 They said that Jack Russell killed Duke Bassett. 130 00:11:40,426 --> 00:11:44,146 Apparently, Russell thought Bassett was brought in to take over his part of the show. 131 00:11:44,506 --> 00:11:50,186 So Russell used his Tony Award to kill Bassett. Seems Russell brought his Tony 132 00:11:50,186 --> 00:11:51,386 with him wherever he went. 133 00:11:51,846 --> 00:11:54,766 Must have made for some awkward late-night rendezvous. 134 00:11:55,346 --> 00:11:59,686 Then the police claim Russell hid the award in the big head of his costume, 135 00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:02,626 which is why he refused to get into the flying harness. 136 00:12:02,866 --> 00:12:06,426 He knew Pops couldn't lift him with all that extra weight. 137 00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:12,046 Dream on. Pops clearly had the strength of 10 ordinary men. 138 00:12:13,206 --> 00:12:18,286 At some point in his life, I'm guessing the Roaring Twenties. 139 00:12:21,306 --> 00:12:26,746 So, how'd you do? Did you come to my brilliant conclusion? conclusion? No? 140 00:12:27,586 --> 00:12:33,546 Don't worry. There's always next time, because I have a thousand cases that you can try to solve. 141 00:12:34,126 --> 00:12:39,726 Trust me, I'm trying to solve them, too. Until then, remember those famous words 142 00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:41,106 of the great Sherlock Holmes. 143 00:12:41,666 --> 00:12:45,106 Hey, Watson, does this hat make me look like a boss? 144 00:12:48,506 --> 00:12:52,106 In this episode as Patty 145 00:12:52,106 --> 00:12:59,306 Gree, Bonnie Kenderdine. Additional voices as well as story and music by me Clinton 146 00:12:59,306 --> 00:13:05,626 Alvord, copyright 2023 all rights reserved. Now next time i'll have something 147 00:13:05,626 --> 00:13:10,966 brand new with a big dash of nostalgia. But for now that's it. We're done, done, done, 148 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:27,708 done, done. Bye bye. Music.