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This is the 2023 comedy4cast Podcast Spectacular, brought to you by the
fantastic Patreon patrons.
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who support the show for as little as a dollar a month.
This year's original 20 -chapter story is called Big Shot.
To hear it from the beginning, go to comedy4cast .com/2023.
And remember, comedy4cast is all one word, with the number four.
Now here's Chapter 19. Now, you're projecting.
Music.
Previously in our story, practically everyone in Middlingfair and Grassssssside
Greene had arrived at the Cine-Round-a-Dome Underground Drive -In Theater for
the special world premiere of a film written by Danny Hillcrest.
That was a sentence I never thought I would utter.
The producer of the film, Perry J. Oshmont, was off making another movie,
but told Danny that he had recorded a special message to be shown right before the movie.
As this chapter begins, the signal has just been sent to start the movie.
All around the Cine-Round-a-Dome, the ambient light dims.
Ooh. I hope they show that candy rock band feature presentation trailer. I love it.
Are we rolling? All is spoken with upbeat sincerity.
Hello, I'm Perry J. Oshmont, producer of tonight's feature, Hold for Applause.
This movie is dedicated to you, the good people of Middling Fair. Hold for reaction.
And also to everyone in Grassssssside Greene. Hold for reaction.
My Uber driver got a little lost on the way to the airport, and I was able to
spend a few hair -raising hours in your special parcel of Hades.
My experience in both your towns, a whole seven days ago, helped shape this
very, very personal film.
Well, that and a lot of notes from Matilda Klein -Miller, the Senior Vice President
of Original Programming for the new Low Channel, now with more of everything.
As a bonus, through the use of cutting -edge AI audio -cloning technology,
we were able to put the voices of some of the people here tonight into the film.
A genuine stroke of luck, especially when we got more notes on the dialogue
last night from the new Low Channel and had to replace every last word uttered in the film.
But enough of me. It is with great pleasure that I present to you what is still
probably the story of a lovesmitten tree surgeon and the empowered female logger
who changed his life forever.
I Stanned Her Sawing There.
Written by Chasm Valley's own Danny Hillcrest.
The film opens with an atmospheric night shot. We see a sign attached to an
imposing -looking chain -link fence.
The sign reads, Chasm Valley Forest. No Trespassing.
Slowly the camera moves up, bringing into focus a barren, rolling landscape lit only by moonlight.
In the distance, atop the tallest hill, we see a single oak tree.
Through a series of nearly motionless shots that dissolve one to the next,
we inch our way closer to that lone tree.
At last we can make out two figures standing at the base of the tree.
We are close enough to hear what they are saying. Suzanne, if you've ever loved me, you won't do this.
You may have won my heart, Charles, but I still have mouths to feed,
and those cats can get vicious when they're hungry, especially the Tabby.
You don't understand. The roots of this last tree are now the only thing that's
keeping one whole side of this valley together I'm sorry Charles,
but I have to do it Miss Fuzzy Paws has that look in her eye besides Grassssssside
Greene should be used to disasters by now. Timber.
The scene fades and an old -style newsreel begins News of the Valley.
Music.
♪♪
Middling Fair. Peaceful, serene, some would even say bland.
Middling Fair, home to a thousand dreams and a few nasty nightmares undoubtedly
caused by late -night snacking.
It was here that the rest of the world came to forget their cares,
and sometimes their car keys. But this paradise's days were numbered,
and it all began with a simple toothpick.
These pint -sized spears had become all the rage in Middling Fair.
Thousands of petite pointies, used and discarded on a daily basis.
It was a craze that could be traced back to the town's luxury eating without lighting.
Les restaurants sont lampés!
I'm so glad you decided to join me for dinner, Suzanne.
And what a perfect choice. We don't have fancy places like this in Grassssssside Greene.
It was hard to resist your offer, Charles. You're very persistent.
You know, borderline creepy, but not. I was impressed. That's a fine line to walk.
Us tree surgeons are known for our particular set of skills.
Oh, says the logger. Do tell. Pardon the interruption of your verbal foreplay,
but here are your hors d 'oeuvres.
And of course, a complimentary toothpick for each of you.
You're still handing these out? Damn it, Francois! Don't you realize you've
sparked a toothpick craze here in Middling Fair?
Suddenly everyone wants toothpicks, toothpicks, toothpicks! Toothpicks with
breakfast, toothpicks with lunch, and yes, even toothpicks with dinner! What about snacks?
François! Besides, how is this a bad thing? That's what I want to know.
Look, cutting down trees so people can buy tiny wood splinters to jab between
their teeth puts bread on my table.
Je suis désolé, but we do not offer the unlimited baguettes.
The Middling Fair forest is dying, and toothpicks are the cause.
I think our meal here is done.
And so, it seems, is our relationship.
The warnings of dire consequences from noted pain in the butt,
tree surgeon Dr. Charles Greenwood, went unheeded.
More and more trees were felled in a futile attempt to keep up with ever -increasing
public demand. Soon, the forest began to disappear.
In the search for more wood, no stone was left untoined - turned.
No tunnel left unexplored. You want to chop out the tree roots that are in the
ceiling of this cave? Yep.
That's prime -toothed pig stock right there. I'm willing to pay you top dollar.
I'll be rich?
Thank goodness I let media genius Andy Miltest put that picture of the caves on social media.
The one labeled, our roots are showing? That's the one.
Wait! Don't do it! These roots are important. They're like the tongues of the tree!
Eww! Now I want them out of here more than ever.
Yuck! Too bad, Dr. Downer.
Now if you will excuse me, as my dentist always says, I have roots to remove.
Every bit of wood was quickly shredded, sharpened, and sent to market to put
more toothpicks on the table.
Dejected, he couldn't even convince his acquaintance and would -be lover,
logger Suzanne Pine, that danger lay ahead.
Tree surgeon Greenwood fell back on his old addiction to vending machines.
I never thought I'd see you back in here again.
Yeah, Doc. I thought you swore off the slots. I did, but...
Women. Am I right? Tell me about it.
What was that, Gerald? Oh, nothing.
So, you two kids are having a spat? Yeah.
She's a logger who's doing what she has to do.
And I'm a tree surgeon who loves her but must stop her in order to save the town. Classic log line.
I'm sure you two can work it out if you try, but you can't do it.
Just standing here All this place will do is give you a case of the vends. You're
right Thanks, everyone!
Do you want a bag for all of that? How about a toothpick?
But the best of intentions would not be enough to save this earthly Arcadia.
Logger Pine had already reached the security fence protecting Middling Fair's
last remaining tree, accompanied by Professor Bart, known anonymous shadowy
figure dealing in replica trees.
All right, sister. I'm here, and I brought my delivery van full of fake trees with me.
What's up? I have to chop down that tree out there. Do you have one that looks
like it? Sure thing. Good.
After I chop down the tree, I'm going to replace it with your replica.
Wait here. No problem. You're the boss of this situation.
Is that your truck over there? Bart, The Repro Tree Pro guy? Yeah, that's me. Lucky me!
Do you have a tree that looks like that one out there?
Yeah, I do, but I should have brought more. They seem to be very popular all of a sudden.
I'm going to transplant that one out there over to Grassssssside Greene and replace it with your
replica. Wait here! No problem. You're the second boss, boss.
Suzanne, if you've ever loved me, you won't do this.
You may have won my heart, Charles, but I still have mouths to feed.
And those cats can get vicious when they're hungry.
Especially the Tabby. You don't understand. The roots of this last tree are
now the only thing that's keeping one whole side of this valley together.
I'm sorry, Charles, but I have to do it.
Miss Fuzzy Paws has that look in her eye. Besides, Grassssssside Greene should
be used to disasters by now.
But... Timber!
The roots don't run under Grassssssside Greene.
They're right here, under Middling Fair!
Run!
Music.
The destruction was catastrophic. Buildings toppled, roadways collapsed,
fruit carts burst into flames.
Even the fabled Samothrace Arms Hotel that once welcomed presidents,
kings, queens, and the occasional Shriners' Convention crumbled to the ground.
What followed was nothing less than 30 minutes of total anarchy.
Stock footage of nuclear explosions, earthquakes, the sinking of the Titanic,
a squirrel water skiing in a pool. It was all there, mostly in color.
Then, as the devastation finally begins to wane...
In a montage of mayhem, Middling Fair vanished from the map.
Total cost? No one but the insurance companies can say.
Oh, Charles. Middling Fair, it's gone. Not as long as we remember it by re -watching
this movie again and again.
Now, come on, let's go grab a meal in Grassssssside Greene.
But Charles, we can't. The restaurants are all closed. Why? It's Arbor Day.
Music.
The End. The silence was deafening.
Basically, I don't think anyone liked it.
I knew it. It's a riot. Quick, soldier, to the crawler! Yes, sir!
Like, hold on. Nomad 451 just sent an instant message.
He says to check social media. Everyone except Detective Haartte pulls out their
cell phone to see what is happening online.
Technology. Who needs it? They're amazed by the things they are reading. Is all of this correct?
Like, what a great movie.
At last, grass side green is not the catastrophe in the canyon.
Someone just erased Middling Fair on film.
Hashtag justice for G. Greene.
Everyone from Grasss...
sssside Greene loves this thing. Because their town is the one left standing at the end.
Like, I think Danny's a hero.
At least to, like, Grass... Side Green. Is Cindy correct?
For that answer and more, be sure to come back for the final installment in this year's story.
Part 20, Wiping the Slate Clean.
Like the show? To help support it for as little as a dollar a month,
go to patreon.com/comedy4cast.
All one word with the number four. As a way of saying thanks,
you'll get episodes before everyone else, plus behind the scenes notes and exclusive content.
Thank you! In this episode, as Perry J. Ashmont, Grant Johnson, voicegranted .com.
As Charles, John Bell, from the Bells in the Batfry podcast, thebatfry.com.
As Suzanne, Madison Hatfield. As the maitre d', Nathan Alvord.
As Cindy, Connie, and Sally, Bonnie Kenderdine.
As The Soldier, Craig Stepp, from the Technorama podcast, chuckchat .com/technorama
and the Topic is Trek podcast, thetopicistrek .com.
And the narrator was played by Gary J. Chambers, garyjchambersvo .com.
Additional voices, as well as story and music by Clinton Alvord,
copyright 2023, all rights reserved.
See you next time. See you next time, but for now, that's it,
we're done done done done done!
Music.