1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,720 Music. The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now. 2 00:00:08,714 --> 00:00:17,086 This is the 2023 comedy4cast Podcast Spectacular, brought to you by the fantastic Patreon patrons. 3 00:00:17,764 --> 00:00:18,544 Thank you! 4 00:00:19,237 --> 00:00:24,884 Why not join Howard, Steve, Bryn, and the other amazing individuals 5 00:00:25,062 --> 00:00:28,724 who support the show for as little as a dollar a month? 6 00:00:28,724 --> 00:00:32,516 This year's original 20-chapter story is called Big Shot. 7 00:00:33,044 --> 00:00:38,601 To hear it from the beginning, Go to comedy4cast.com slash 2023. 8 00:00:39,096 --> 00:00:45,724 And remember, comedy forecast is all one word, with the number 4. 9 00:00:45,724 --> 00:00:51,060 Now, here's Chapter 13, Trouble Finds Detective Hart. 10 00:00:51,280 --> 00:01:12,880 Music. 11 00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:16,724 Previously in our story, Cap relayed as best he could 12 00:01:16,724 --> 00:01:20,066 could the phone conversation he overheard coming from a room at the 13 00:01:20,244 --> 00:01:25,284 Venus Arms Hotel and Towers. The voice was that of the mysterious stranger who 14 00:01:25,284 --> 00:01:31,102 is in town searching for Danny Hillcrest. He said that even if Danny's hiding he's 15 00:01:31,484 --> 00:01:38,964 gonna find him and take care of him and if there are any witnesses he'll take 16 00:01:38,964 --> 00:01:44,284 care of them too. That did not sound like good news for Danny but it was not 17 00:01:44,284 --> 00:01:49,564 enough evidence to take to the police. Detective Haartte, still full of himself after his work 18 00:01:49,564 --> 00:01:53,275 on the case of the waffle batter sphere, offered a solution. 19 00:01:53,804 --> 00:01:59,262 Why don't I shadow this guy and see what's up? My professional opinion is it's nothing, 20 00:01:59,664 --> 00:02:05,545 but it'll help me keep my sleuthing skills in peak condition and ready for a real case. 21 00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:11,253 As this chapter begins, Detective Haartte is sitting with the stranger at Caprica Coffee, 22 00:02:11,847 --> 00:02:16,546 But the stranger has turned the tables, asking Haartte if he knows Danny Hillcrest. 23 00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:21,254 Listen, I ask the questions around here. Oh? The name's Haartte. 24 00:02:21,804 --> 00:02:25,071 Detective Haartte. Two A's, two T's, spell it right. 25 00:02:25,804 --> 00:02:27,804 Say it right. Detective? 26 00:02:29,050 --> 00:02:34,712 You may be the perfect person to help me. Maybe we can work out an arrangement. 27 00:02:35,172 --> 00:02:43,100 But first, what do you know about Danny? Plenty. I grew up far away from here, on the mean streets of the city. 28 00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:49,692 I don't see what that has to do with- Oh sure, the name of the place was Sunshine, but it had its dark side too. 29 00:02:49,746 --> 00:02:55,445 For one thing, they jumped the gun on single stream recycling by two whole days! 30 00:02:55,778 --> 00:03:03,960 It was madness! Again, not sure how- I had to get out. So I hopped a freight train and made my way here to the valley. 31 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:09,300 Chasm Valley, that is. At first, I tried my hand at being a cop. 32 00:03:10,199 --> 00:03:12,288 Can you imagine me a cop? 33 00:03:13,404 --> 00:03:18,900 I don't really know you, so... But it wasn't long before I had a falling out with the department. 34 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,660 Apparently people in this town don't need parking permits for their own driveways. 35 00:03:24,702 --> 00:03:36,620 Pretty fancy. But I was a loose cannon who played by my own rules. Cannon rules. And the third time I tagged his car the chief asked me to turn in my pen and my pad. 36 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:47,540 And my gun and my badge And the uniform they never mentioned you have to turn in the uniform do they and I used to wear it to work, 37 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:58,460 So I had to go home in my underwear That's when I decided to strike out on my own and become Middling Fair's first private 38 00:03:58,460 --> 00:03:59,100 eye. 39 00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:04,393 The only problem was, this town isn't big on crime. 40 00:04:05,248 --> 00:04:09,173 Except in April. Yeah, then this whole town is like some kind of purge. 41 00:04:09,668 --> 00:04:13,215 But 30 days of mayhem can't pay the rent all year. 42 00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:19,391 The bills were piling up while I just sat there working on my statement of purpose. 43 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:20,876 Let's see what I've got. 44 00:04:21,660 --> 00:04:26,593 I promised to provide everyone in town with my detective services. 45 00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:34,140 Nailed it. I sure did, but things were still looking grim until that fateful knock on the door 46 00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:38,287 of my apartment. Office. Totally separate place. 47 00:04:38,660 --> 00:04:44,219 And not in an illegal use of a living space. Who said otherwise? Who's there? 48 00:04:44,420 --> 00:04:46,839 If you're a bill collector, you have to tell me. 49 00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:54,300 It's the law. Nope. Hi! Danny Hillcrest here. A client. Come on in! 50 00:04:54,300 --> 00:05:00,300 I love it! Ooh, do I smell yesterday's day-old Chinese leftovers? 51 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,300 Sorry, the flat's a bit messy. 52 00:05:02,557 --> 00:05:06,275 I mean the office. I don't know why people keep calling it an apartment. 53 00:05:07,148 --> 00:05:10,740 What can I do for you, Mr. Hillcrest? Oh, you can call me Danny. 54 00:05:11,226 --> 00:05:15,907 My father's name is Mr. Hillcrest, which is an oddly weird first name. 55 00:05:16,321 --> 00:05:17,518 But so is L'il. 56 00:05:18,113 --> 00:05:24,090 Now, if you're going to openly dilate my eyes, I brought these buckshades to protect me afterwards. 57 00:05:24,450 --> 00:05:31,220 Is this pull-out bed the exam chair? Do you mind if we start over again from the beginning? Abso-yes-ly. 58 00:05:31,526 --> 00:05:33,705 Do you need me to go back outside the door? 59 00:05:34,479 --> 00:05:41,762 Look, you knocked on my apart-office, why do you need a private detective? I give up, why do I? 60 00:05:42,113 --> 00:05:48,531 Wow, this is the oddest eye exam I've ever had, and I once had one on a catamaran. 61 00:05:48,981 --> 00:05:53,811 Is that the eye chart in your hand? No, it's my statement of purpose. 62 00:05:54,176 --> 00:05:58,344 It was like everything in the room was another cat toy to distract him, 63 00:05:58,884 --> 00:06:00,811 and I didn't know if he was house trained. 64 00:06:00,811 --> 00:06:05,726 I folded the paper and put it in my jacket. Eye exam. 65 00:06:05,897 --> 00:06:07,811 I don't... Oh! 66 00:06:08,408 --> 00:06:13,774 I get it. Listen, Danny. I'm not an optometrist. Oh, that's okay. 67 00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:16,510 Everyone has their own path to heaven can wait. 68 00:06:17,122 --> 00:06:21,128 I'm a private investigator. A sleuth. A Shamus. A private dick. 69 00:06:21,975 --> 00:06:27,664 Wow. That was an awkward one to end on. I think it's time for you to leave. 70 00:06:27,811 --> 00:06:33,480 I will take your word for that, because I can't see my watch without my glasses. 71 00:06:33,579 --> 00:06:35,226 Here's a quick observation. 72 00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:39,007 You're not wearing a watch. Of course I'm not. 73 00:06:39,583 --> 00:06:45,858 It's at the jewelry store, getting repairingly fixed. Maybe you should go pick it up. I love it. 74 00:06:46,443 --> 00:06:52,636 Oh wait, the jewelry store. The owner was talkingly telling me that something had just been stolen. 75 00:06:53,091 --> 00:06:56,714 He was all upset, but he said he didn't want to bring it to the police. 76 00:06:57,411 --> 00:07:01,378 Maybe his office is as messy as your apartment. Office. 77 00:07:02,116 --> 00:07:08,579 Where is this jewelry store? You just go down the street until you want to turn left. 78 00:07:08,994 --> 00:07:13,726 Then it's about two blocks after that street that sounds like the name of my old pet turtle. 79 00:07:16,105 --> 00:07:19,688 So I strolled over to the jewelry store and I found the owner, 80 00:07:19,886 --> 00:07:23,325 a Mr. Wilbert Dunn, in a mild panic. 81 00:07:23,820 --> 00:07:29,141 Yes, Detective Hart, I do need some help. Can you be discreet? 82 00:07:29,501 --> 00:07:31,472 Discretion is my middle name. 83 00:07:32,084 --> 00:07:34,209 Just don't ask me to produce ID to prove it. 84 00:07:34,929 --> 00:07:41,866 What happened? A few months ago, Miss Abby Falmacher, owner of the Venus Arms Hotel in the Towers 85 00:07:42,050 --> 00:07:47,658 and the Little Wicker Basket Company, Little Wicker Baskets, they're everywhere, 86 00:07:48,018 --> 00:07:50,197 came to me to act as her agent. 87 00:07:50,710 --> 00:07:57,786 She wanted to commission the sculpting of an exact replica of the Venus de Milo statue for her hotel. 88 00:07:57,957 --> 00:08:00,829 And why would this woman do an insane thing like that? 89 00:08:01,216 --> 00:08:07,202 Oh, it's well known that Miss Fallmacher called dibs in case the statue's arms are ever located. 90 00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:11,626 She has a glass display case right there in the lobby, waiting for them. 91 00:08:11,793 --> 00:08:18,149 I don't think that's how it works. A skilled Italian artist sculpted a beautiful replica. 92 00:08:18,590 --> 00:08:21,466 He sent me a photograph. Here, have a look. 93 00:08:22,533 --> 00:08:26,186 Yes, so tell me, you keep a lot of nudie pictures handy Dunn? 94 00:08:26,186 --> 00:08:33,186 What? No, that's the statue. Then he had it shipped here to the store for inspection. 95 00:08:33,186 --> 00:08:36,613 Two delivery people put it on the loading dock out back. 96 00:08:37,549 --> 00:08:42,186 Even though I always add place on front step to the instructions. 97 00:08:42,186 --> 00:08:47,186 No one ever reads my notes. Okay, you're all set. What's the problem? 98 00:08:47,186 --> 00:08:50,186 Because the statue is missing. 99 00:08:51,016 --> 00:08:56,355 And I don't want to involve the police because I'm sure word would get back to Miss Fallmacher. 100 00:08:56,931 --> 00:09:00,186 I need this matter kept quiet. 101 00:09:00,433 --> 00:09:02,186 All right, I'll take the case. 102 00:09:02,764 --> 00:09:10,101 I charge $50 a day plus expenses. $50? That's not a lot. 103 00:09:10,186 --> 00:09:14,170 If it was good enough for Jim Rockford, it's good enough for me. 104 00:09:14,908 --> 00:09:22,266 But you need to account for inflation. That was in, what, the 1970s? NOW! 105 00:09:21,642 --> 00:09:28,961 Assuming a flat 4% cost of living increase every year, since the- You go ahead and work on that, Poindexter. 106 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:32,103 Meanwhile, I'm going back to my office to get some equipment. 107 00:09:32,868 --> 00:09:35,010 Hey, I didn't call up my apartment. 108 00:09:35,983 --> 00:09:40,736 B-because it's not! Who said it was? Shut up! Can Haartte locate the statue? 109 00:09:41,015 --> 00:09:43,760 And what does all this have to do with finding Danny? 110 00:09:44,364 --> 00:09:49,351 For finely sculpted answers, be sure to come back for Chapter 14, 111 00:09:49,909 --> 00:09:51,908 What's past is dialogue. 112 00:09:52,601 --> 00:10:02,017 If you liked the show, please help spread the word by sharing it on social media, maybe even right now. 113 00:10:02,665 --> 00:10:14,149 You're this show's greatest media influencer. In this episode, as the stranger, Grant Johnson, voicegranted.com, and the narrator was played 114 00:10:14,149 --> 00:10:18,824 by Gary J. Chambers, garyjchambersvo.com. 115 00:10:19,429 --> 00:10:24,271 Additional voices, as well as story and music, by Clinton Alvord. 116 00:10:24,937 --> 00:10:28,007 Copyright 2023. All rights reserved. 117 00:10:28,691 --> 00:10:33,426 See you next time! But for now, that's it. We're done done done done done! 118 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:49,666 Bye bye. Music.