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Natty Bumpercar: I'm not saying
that my house is a disaster, a

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disaster area, but a a FEMA
trailer did just pull up in our

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driveway. It's it's pretty, it's
pretty messy, pretty, pretty

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bad, pretty. It's been raining a
lot the children go out of the

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house, into the house, out of
the house, into the house,

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sometimes out of the back door
around into the front door.

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Sometimes if it's not raining
in, you're like, Oh, well, at

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least we're not gonna have muddy
footprints. They'll run out

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there, they'll jump in our it's
not even a pool. It's a it's a

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puddle, we'll jump in the
puddle. And then they'll run

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back in. And when it's when it's
that, then they're also wearing

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a lot of wet clothes. And so as
they're running with muddy feet,

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they're also just just throwing
their clothes all around the

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house shirts are hanging on
lamps. There's a bathing suit

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center just you know, just been
tossed wherever they land.

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Towels. Someone did last week,
we had a day where we went

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through 800 towels. Now we don't
have 100 towels in our house,

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you know, but we have, we just
keep we would keep washing them

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and drying them over and over.
It was just this constant cycle.

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It was like when they paint
bridges, they start at one end

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of the bridge and they start
painting. And then by the time

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they get to the other side of
the bridge, then they know it's

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time to go back to the beginning
again, because that's how long

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it takes evidently, and so it's
just this constant cycle. And

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that's how we were with towels.
And then they're like, oh, I

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want to take a shower. I'm like,
Oh my gosh, you just came in

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from the pool. You just came in
from rain. Why do you? Why? Why

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do you need to spread more
moisture around my house? It's

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too much the and you know they
like to take they'll take baths,

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and then they throw toys in the
bathtub. And so then you can't

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go and take a shower yourself?
Because it's become a Toy Bin.

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Ben have have wet toys. I know.
I sound like I'm complaining a

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lot. Oh, that's because I am.
Here's the thing, though. We're

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heading into summer school is
over.

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The younger one just moved from
fourth grade and fifth grade.

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They had something called a
promotion. You've been promoted.

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Congratulations. Did I get a
raise? No. Did I get a corner

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office? No, of course not. You
didn't get a corner office. But

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you got a promotion? Do I get to
wear a mortar? And pestle

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whatever the thing that a little
the hat. And wait morning? I

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don't know, the I get to wear a
cape. So I get sometimes people

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are dragging the little ropes
like the go round. You know like

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that. Say something? I did what?
No. You're just going to go up.

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You're going to wear whatever
you're going to wear. We have no

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no say in that. We're not going
to control it. We're not going

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to, you know, send any anything
home to your parents any kind of

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direction like, hey, it might be
nice if you wear this No, no.

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We're just going to throw
caution to the wind and you'll

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show up wearing whatever you
want to show up wearing. And

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that's fine. And then you're
going to stand up in the gym in

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front of all your parents and
your you know, your aunts and

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uncles and siblings and
grandparents and just all these

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people and you know, you're
we're gonna say sweet things.

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You're gonna sing a sweet song.

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You're gonna make people cry.
That's what that's what you're

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here.

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I bet that was the pep talk that
they gave them before they came

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into the gym. They were like
alright, fourth graders. Let's

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gather round, gather round. All
right. Do you know why we're

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here today? And one kid was like
promotion? And she was like, No,

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well, yeah, but no reason we're
here today is to make people

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cry. Make them sad. Make them
think about how you used to be

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tiny. Now you're less tiny, but
she's still kind of tiny. But

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you're definitely on the track
of less tiny. And they're like

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what she's like, Ah, don't worry
about all that. You know, she's

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at a whiteboard. Like drawing it
out with a marker. We think we

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end up having to do the erasing
thing where it doesn't really

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erase and then asking someone
for the spray bottle so she can

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spray and then she doesn't have
a napkin to wipe it off with.

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It's just a whole thing. And so
you know That's what they that

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was their goal. And I'm going to
tell you right here right now,

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they did not succeed with me. I
thought I was I was a goner, I

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went into this place, I was
feeling a little tightness in

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the throat, a little tightness
in the chest. Felt like the air

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was really dry. Uh huh. I'm not
gonna make it. I'm gonna can

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make it. But then I did the
thing. And it was all so fast.

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That it was like a whirlwind.
And I was just like, I'm okay.

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I'm fine. I serve this is I did
it. I made it through the

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promotion. I feel like I should
get a promotion myself for being

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the parent that didn't cry. I
don't know. Or maybe I could

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just get an accolade for that.
Problem was, that was one of the

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days. The next day, they do
something called a clap out.

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What is a clap out? You're
probably wondering, well, the

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entire school from pre K, K,
first, second, third, all of the

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teachers, they lined the
hallways. And at the front door

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of the school, all of the
parents are all in a big mob.

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And you can hear it's coming
through the schools are

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clapping, it's wave of clapping.
And I brought a bubble machine

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and I put it by the front door
because nothing says a clap out

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like a bubble machine to me. And
I had the bubbles going and then

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you hear this just wave of
clapping coming. And then they

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they are they come out of the
school. But there's no like

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pause. Again. It happened so
quickly. That they they came out

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and then they just ran to the to
the left. And yeah, it was just

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like, oh, okay, my emotions
don't work that fast anymore.

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Like maybe when I was younger,
and I have less control of the

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emotions, but now you know, if
I'm gonna get I'm, it's gonna

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take a while for me to crank up
the emotion machine. You know,

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to really, I gotta I gotta be
really ready. You know? So it

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takes me it takes a lot for me
to get angry or sad or whatever,

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or, or happy for that matter.
But yeah, so this moves so

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fasten, it didn't happen. And we
immediately had to get in the

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car. After this clap out. And
you know, we're high fiving

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people or patting people on the
shoulder, congratulations, you

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know, you did it, parents. Good
job. But then we had to get in

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the car and drive 40 minutes to
the other kids school. Now, mind

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you, this clap out started at
1230. Right. And we were there

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for about 1015 minutes. The
other child had an award

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ceremony that was supposed to
start at one o'clock. And he's

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about 40 minutes away. And my
kid was like, in the car. He was

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like, What time is it start one
o'clock? Well, how's this gonna

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work? I you know what, we're
just in the car. We're gonna get

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down there. When we get down
there. We're gonna do our best.

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Okay, but you realize it's 1245
now and yeah, I can see the

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clock. And I'm just gonna keep
on driving. I'm going to get

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down there as quick as I can,
you know, and hope hope that we

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get to see the ceremony hope
that we get to see him win an

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award. And the award. Here's how
it worked. We got an email that

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said, Hey, there's this award
ceremony. On this day at this

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time. Please come your child has
been selected to win one of the

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awards, which is very exciting.
You know, very great. But that's

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all the information you have. So
the grandparents actually came

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down, they drove down to the
award ceremony. They got there

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before us saved us a couple of
seats. And we managed to get

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there at 111. So it took us
round 27 minutes. And so there

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was no traffic. Everything moved
very quickly, very smoothly.

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Like maybe the quickest trip
I've ever had to get down there.

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I wasn't even speeding because
I'm no speeder. No, no, no, no,

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no, no, I'm a law abiding bumper
car. But we got there. And we we

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checked in. Then we ran down we
got to the the auditorium. And

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it was full of people they had
just given their first award.

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And we were given a little what
do they call the pamphlets,

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whatever, you know, like the
thing you look through, and it

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tells you what's going to happen
and when it's going to happen.

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And what we don't we had Miss
Just the the opening speech, you

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know, like the Pledge of
Allegiance, like we had missed

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all the things that happened
before the awards. So it worked

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out perfectly like we came in,
ready for awards. The first one

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was art. And you know, he didn't
win. He didn't win that one. All

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right, you know, so then you're
going through and you know,

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there's Next up, I think we were
in reading and writing. And,

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okay. All right. Nope, you
didn't win that one. Okay. And I

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want to film this. I want to get
this on camera. All right. Math.

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Now, it's not math. Science. No,
probably not gonna be science

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history. No, no, no, no, no.
It's not going to be history.

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Okay, you know, we're working
our way down the list here. The

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next one was PE, physical
education. And he's always he's

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the, the teachers are always
like, Oh, he's so good in PE so

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you know, he loves loves it. And
he only tell that's my favorite

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class. I'm like, All right.
Well, that's, it's really just

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playtime. But you know, that's
fine. Good for you. You have

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something that's your favorite.
And so I started filming, I was

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ready. P. And there they go
through these little speeches,

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you know, they say, oh, physical
education is very important that

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they you know, they describe
everything and and I'm filming

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the whole thing. And they go,
you know, this next student and

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middle school, well, she and I
was just like, alright, well,

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let's stop filming that one.
That's not the one. And then

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you're starting to get down to
where we did. So P E, and then

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we did music. And then the only
things that were left were

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homework, attendance, and then
there were four things at the

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bottom, which were like,
character, whatever, like, you

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know, stuff like that community
service. So I was like, alright,

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you know, I've got like six
more, you know, they told us to

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come down here. And they did
homework, and I didn't even film

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it. Because I was like, No,
that's not going to be it, which

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is fine. And then they did
attendance. I looked at my wife

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and I was kind of shrugged. And
she was like, I don't know. And

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you know, I started filming. And
they go through this four minute

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speech about how important
attendance is and it's the

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backbone of your education. And
then then they they called my

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kid's name. He won an award for
attendance. We came down we

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rushed down for that. It was
great.