Episode number
871.
When conversation stops,
conflict
escalates.
You're listening to the official BNI podcast with
BNI founder and chief visionary officer, doctor Ivan
Meisner.
Stay tuned for networking and referral marketing tips
from the man who's been called the father
of modern networking,
along with suggestions and insights into getting the
most from your membership in the world's largest
networking organization,
BNI.
Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the official
BNI podcast.
I'm Priscilla Rice, and I'm coming to you
from Live Oak recording studio in Berkeley, California.
And I'm joined on the phone today by
the founder
and the chief visionary officer of BNI,
doctor Ivan Meisner.
Hello, Ivan. How are you and where are
you?
Oh, I feel like I finally have a
week at home. I'm in Austin, Texas this
week and, enjoying having
a week working from my home office. Oh,
that's great. Yeah. I think I'd I'd mentioned
in previous podcasts, I was in the Philippines
and,
and in Vietnam, they were both great events.
And so I'm home this week. Yeah. Oh,
wonderful.
And what are you sharing with us today?
My topic today is about,
conversation and conflict.
And when rational
conversation stops,
conflict escalates,
whether it be in our personal relationships,
b and I,
or general business dealings. When communication breaks down,
things tend to go from bad to worse.
As
someone who has spent a considerable amount of
time studying
human interaction and communication,
I can tell you
without a doubt that conflicts don't
just escalate out of nowhere. They often start
small and grow bigger as conversations break down,
and I've seen that in b and I
over and over again.
One of the most common reasons
for conversation breakdowns is a lack of active
listening.
Active listening is an essential part of communication
that involves fully understanding and empathizing
with the other person's point of view.
And when someone feels like they're not being
heard or understood,
they're likely to become defensive and resistant
to what the other person is saying.
That all sounds simple, but the truth
is that, you know, when
when
you're talking or when you're talking to someone
and they're speaking to you,
shut up. Listen.
Be quiet. Pay attention to what they're having
to say.
If you don't,
it's one of the ways
that
the conflict escalates.
To avoid,
that kind of conflict, it's essential it's essential
to practice
active listening. And this means that instead of
just waiting for your turn to speak,
you're fully engaged in the conversation and you're
seeking to understand the other person's
perspective. And by doing so,
you can create a more productive dialogue that
can lead to a resolution of the conflict.
Another common cause
of conversation breakdowns is when 1 or both
parties are focused on being right
rather than finding a solution.
And this is a common problem in business
settings where individuals
may be more concerned with protecting their own
interests than finding a mutually
beneficial solution, certainly true
in,
BNI
situations.
If all you do in in in any
scenario, if all you do is focus on
the problems, you become an expert
on problems. However, when you focus on solutions,
you can become an expert on solutions. And
in a few weeks,
I'm gonna have a guest
on Mark McGurigau,
who's the author of the book Solutions Focus.
And we're gonna talk further about this,
in in an upcoming podcast.
When when people are more focused on being
right than,
finding a solution, they tend to become very
rigid in their thinking and less willing to
compromise.
And this can quickly escalate a conflict as
both parties become
more entrenched
in their positions.
One way to avoid this is to approach
conversations with a mindset of collaboration rather than
competition.
And by focusing on finding a solution that
works for everyone rather than just you,
you're more likely to create a conversation that
leads to a successful outcome.
One of the most significant causes of conversation
breakdowns,
just to cover an important topic here, is
the lack of trust.
Trust is essential
in any relationship, whether it's personal or professional.
And when trust is broken, it's difficult to
establish a productive dialogue
as each party is likely to be
skeptical,
of the other's intentions.
So to build trust, it's important to be
transparent and honest in your communications.
Tactful,
diplomatic, but honest.
This means being open and upfront about your
intentions
and your expectations and your goals, again,
diplomatically.
And by doing that, you create a foundation
of trust that can help sustain productive conversations
and prevent conflicts.
In addition to the causes of conversation breakdowns
that I've
just mentioned,
it's important to recognize the role that emotions
can play
in escalating conflicts. This is so true
in b and I scenarios.
Emotions can
be powerful drivers of behavior. And when individuals
feel angry, frustrated, or resentful, it can be
difficult to maintain a productive dialogue.
Therefore, it's important to manage your emotions during
a conversation, especially
if you're feeling upset or defensive. One way
to do this is just take a step
back.
Take a few deep breaths
before you respond.
And this can help you to calm down
and approach the conversation in a more rational,
objective manner.
So
to review what I've said already,
when conversation stops, conflict escalates.
Clear, open, honest, and direct communication is the
way to resolve most conflicts.
And to prevent this from happening, it's important
to practice active listening, focus on finding solutions
rather than being right, building trust in your
relationships.
And by doing these things, you create a
more productive and successful dialogue.
There's a book that I highly recommend on
this topic,
probably one of the best books I've read
about dealing with conflict
between
individuals.
And that book is, Crucial
Conversations.
It is a fantastic
book, Crucial
conversations.
I've used it
many times,
and it helped me through a really serious
problem
that I talk about in
the book I wrote, called The 3rd Paradigm.
And here are a few of the things
that I learned out of the book, Crucial
Conversations.
One is, be aware of feelings, which I've
already mentioned. 2nd is acknowledge.
Acknowledge
their anxiety. I can see you're upset. This
must be really difficult, or you sound very
frustrated.
Be quiet and listen. Listen. Listen. Listen.
Ask questions.
Restate the concern. These are all topics that
came out of, crucial conversations.
Focus on a mutual purpose.
Focus on a mutual purpose. And to aggressive
statements,
ask, is there another choice than that?
Probably, the single most
effective technique that I have found in the
book
is called the feasible
and.
That's the phrase. The feasible
and. Here's how it goes.
Is there a way to do x
and be able to accomplish
y? That's the feasible land. Is there a
way we can do x and still accomplish
y?
And that is sort of a mindset reset
that gets people to think about both perspectives
in a very
very,
diplomatic
way.
When
one of the potential problems is that when
people purposely withhold meaning or information from one
another, it undermines
the organization.
So
that's why it's important
to communicate. Otherwise, what you have happening, if
you're not communicating,
is you get people who are quietly criticizing
and passively resisting
another topic out of crucial conversations.
At the end of the day,
communication is an essential heart,
not only our lives, but in particular, b
and I meetings. And conflicts are inevitable. However,
by focusing on improving our communication skills and
building stronger relationships,
we can minimize the impact of conflicts,
and we can create more productive
and successful outcome.
As the old saying goes, it's not what
you say, but how you say it. By
focusing on building positive relationships and improving
our communication skills,
we can create conversations that lead to positive
outcomes
and prevent conflicts from escalating.
So the next time you find yourself in
a difficult conversation, remember to listen actively,
focus on solutions, and build trust.
By doing so, you can create a better
outcome for everyone involved.
In running an organization,
Priscilla, with
100 of 1000 of members, tens of 1000
locations,
I really learned
that effective communication is the key. I'm not
always a master at it, but I find
that when I'm at my best at listening
and communicating diplomatically
using some of the techniques that I've just
talked about,
magic happens.
And it happens,
with a conscious
effort
to hear the other party communicate and always
look for that
feasible
hand.
That's my message for today, Priscilla. Any thoughts?
Oh, I think that's great. I think it's
really useful, all the different
aspects of it and especially,
the the listening part. Yeah. And for me,
I found that the active listening,
works best when you restate
the statement. Let me understand what what you're
saying. You're saying this. And you'll find that
sometimes they'll say, no. That's not what I'm
saying. Okay. I'm sorry.
Explain it to me
again. Or they'll say, yeah. That's exactly it.
I'm really ticked off over that. And then
it okay. So now you know where it's
going, and that leads you to the place
where, okay, I see where you're coming from.
How can we how can we accomplish what
you're concerned about and be able to do
this until you look for
mutual objective and a a focus on solutions
rather than the problem. Because if all you
do is focus on the problem, you become
at the an expert at the problem.
Whereas if you focus on solutions,
you can become an expert on solutions.
That's my message for today, Priscilla.
That's great.
Thank you, doctor Meiser.
Well, that's it for this week. Thanks so
much for that great information.
This podcast is sponsored by Meisner audio programs.com.
These audio programs will provide you with the
tools and the inspiration
to powerfully enhance your BNI experience.
So check out the great material that's available
to you at Meisner audio programs dot com,
and then use the promo code Ivan 5
o for 50% off of everything.
All of the proceeds go to the BNI
Foundation.
Thanks so much for listening. This is Priscilla
Rice, and we look forward to having you
join us again next week for another
exciting episode of the official BNI podcast.