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Episode number

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871.

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When conversation stops,

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conflict

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escalates.

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You're listening to the official BNI podcast with

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BNI founder and chief visionary officer, doctor Ivan

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Meisner.

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Stay tuned for networking and referral marketing tips

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from the man who's been called the father

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of modern networking,

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along with suggestions and insights into getting the

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most from your membership in the world's largest

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networking organization,

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BNI.

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Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the official

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BNI podcast.

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I'm Priscilla Rice, and I'm coming to you

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from Live Oak recording studio in Berkeley, California.

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And I'm joined on the phone today by

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the founder

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and the chief visionary officer of BNI,

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doctor Ivan Meisner.

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Hello, Ivan. How are you and where are

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you?

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Oh, I feel like I finally have a

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week at home. I'm in Austin, Texas this

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week and, enjoying having

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a week working from my home office. Oh,

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that's great. Yeah. I think I'd I'd mentioned

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in previous podcasts, I was in the Philippines

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and,

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and in Vietnam, they were both great events.

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And so I'm home this week. Yeah. Oh,

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wonderful.

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And what are you sharing with us today?

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My topic today is about,

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conversation and conflict.

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And when rational

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conversation stops,

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conflict escalates,

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whether it be in our personal relationships,

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b and I,

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or general business dealings. When communication breaks down,

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things tend to go from bad to worse.

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As

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someone who has spent a considerable amount of

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time studying

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human interaction and communication,

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I can tell you

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without a doubt that conflicts don't

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just escalate out of nowhere. They often start

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small and grow bigger as conversations break down,

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and I've seen that in b and I

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over and over again.

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One of the most common reasons

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for conversation breakdowns is a lack of active

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listening.

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Active listening is an essential part of communication

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that involves fully understanding and empathizing

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with the other person's point of view.

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And when someone feels like they're not being

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heard or understood,

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they're likely to become defensive and resistant

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to what the other person is saying.

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That all sounds simple, but the truth

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is that, you know, when

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when

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you're talking or when you're talking to someone

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and they're speaking to you,

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shut up. Listen.

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Be quiet. Pay attention to what they're having

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to say.

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If you don't,

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it's one of the ways

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that

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the conflict escalates.

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To avoid,

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that kind of conflict, it's essential it's essential

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to practice

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active listening. And this means that instead of

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just waiting for your turn to speak,

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you're fully engaged in the conversation and you're

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seeking to understand the other person's

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perspective. And by doing so,

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you can create a more productive dialogue that

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can lead to a resolution of the conflict.

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Another common cause

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of conversation breakdowns is when 1 or both

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parties are focused on being right

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rather than finding a solution.

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And this is a common problem in business

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settings where individuals

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may be more concerned with protecting their own

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interests than finding a mutually

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beneficial solution, certainly true

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in,

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BNI

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situations.

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If all you do in in in any

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scenario, if all you do is focus on

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the problems, you become an expert

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on problems. However, when you focus on solutions,

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you can become an expert on solutions. And

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in a few weeks,

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I'm gonna have a guest

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on Mark McGurigau,

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who's the author of the book Solutions Focus.

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And we're gonna talk further about this,

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in in an upcoming podcast.

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When when people are more focused on being

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right than,

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finding a solution, they tend to become very

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rigid in their thinking and less willing to

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compromise.

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And this can quickly escalate a conflict as

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both parties become

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more entrenched

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in their positions.

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One way to avoid this is to approach

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conversations with a mindset of collaboration rather than

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competition.

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And by focusing on finding a solution that

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works for everyone rather than just you,

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you're more likely to create a conversation that

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leads to a successful outcome.

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One of the most significant causes of conversation

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breakdowns,

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just to cover an important topic here, is

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the lack of trust.

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Trust is essential

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in any relationship, whether it's personal or professional.

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And when trust is broken, it's difficult to

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establish a productive dialogue

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as each party is likely to be

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skeptical,

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of the other's intentions.

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So to build trust, it's important to be

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transparent and honest in your communications.

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Tactful,

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diplomatic, but honest.

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This means being open and upfront about your

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intentions

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and your expectations and your goals, again,

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diplomatically.

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And by doing that, you create a foundation

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of trust that can help sustain productive conversations

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and prevent conflicts.

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In addition to the causes of conversation breakdowns

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that I've

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just mentioned,

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it's important to recognize the role that emotions

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can play

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in escalating conflicts. This is so true

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in b and I scenarios.

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Emotions can

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be powerful drivers of behavior. And when individuals

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feel angry, frustrated, or resentful, it can be

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difficult to maintain a productive dialogue.

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Therefore, it's important to manage your emotions during

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a conversation, especially

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if you're feeling upset or defensive. One way

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to do this is just take a step

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back.

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Take a few deep breaths

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before you respond.

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And this can help you to calm down

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and approach the conversation in a more rational,

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objective manner.

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So

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to review what I've said already,

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when conversation stops, conflict escalates.

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Clear, open, honest, and direct communication is the

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way to resolve most conflicts.

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And to prevent this from happening, it's important

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to practice active listening, focus on finding solutions

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rather than being right, building trust in your

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relationships.

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And by doing these things, you create a

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more productive and successful dialogue.

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There's a book that I highly recommend on

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this topic,

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probably one of the best books I've read

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about dealing with conflict

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between

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individuals.

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And that book is, Crucial

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Conversations.

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It is a fantastic

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book, Crucial

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conversations.

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I've used it

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many times,

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and it helped me through a really serious

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problem

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that I talk about in

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the book I wrote, called The 3rd Paradigm.

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And here are a few of the things

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that I learned out of the book, Crucial

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Conversations.

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One is, be aware of feelings, which I've

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already mentioned. 2nd is acknowledge.

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Acknowledge

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their anxiety. I can see you're upset. This

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must be really difficult, or you sound very

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frustrated.

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Be quiet and listen. Listen. Listen. Listen.

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Ask questions.

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Restate the concern. These are all topics that

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came out of, crucial conversations.

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Focus on a mutual purpose.

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Focus on a mutual purpose. And to aggressive

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statements,

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ask, is there another choice than that?

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Probably, the single most

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effective technique that I have found in the

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book

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is called the feasible

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and.

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That's the phrase. The feasible

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and. Here's how it goes.

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Is there a way to do x

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and be able to accomplish

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y? That's the feasible land. Is there a

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way we can do x and still accomplish

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y?

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And that is sort of a mindset reset

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that gets people to think about both perspectives

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in a very

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very,

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diplomatic

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way.

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When

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one of the potential problems is that when

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people purposely withhold meaning or information from one

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another, it undermines

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the organization.

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So

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that's why it's important

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to communicate. Otherwise, what you have happening, if

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you're not communicating,

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is you get people who are quietly criticizing

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and passively resisting

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another topic out of crucial conversations.

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At the end of the day,

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communication is an essential heart,

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not only our lives, but in particular, b

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and I meetings. And conflicts are inevitable. However,

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by focusing on improving our communication skills and

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building stronger relationships,

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we can minimize the impact of conflicts,

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and we can create more productive

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and successful outcome.

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As the old saying goes, it's not what

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you say, but how you say it. By

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focusing on building positive relationships and improving

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our communication skills,

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we can create conversations that lead to positive

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outcomes

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and prevent conflicts from escalating.

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So the next time you find yourself in

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a difficult conversation, remember to listen actively,

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focus on solutions, and build trust.

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By doing so, you can create a better

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outcome for everyone involved.

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In running an organization,

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Priscilla, with

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100 of 1000 of members, tens of 1000

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locations,

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I really learned

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that effective communication is the key. I'm not

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always a master at it, but I find

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that when I'm at my best at listening

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and communicating diplomatically

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using some of the techniques that I've just

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talked about,

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magic happens.

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And it happens,

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with a conscious

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effort

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to hear the other party communicate and always

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look for that

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feasible

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hand.

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That's my message for today, Priscilla. Any thoughts?

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Oh, I think that's great. I think it's

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really useful, all the different

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aspects of it and especially,

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the the listening part. Yeah. And for me,

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I found that the active listening,

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works best when you restate

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the statement. Let me understand what what you're

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saying. You're saying this. And you'll find that

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sometimes they'll say, no. That's not what I'm

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saying. Okay. I'm sorry.

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Explain it to me

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again. Or they'll say, yeah. That's exactly it.

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I'm really ticked off over that. And then

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it okay. So now you know where it's

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going, and that leads you to the place

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where, okay, I see where you're coming from.

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How can we how can we accomplish what

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you're concerned about and be able to do

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this until you look for

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mutual objective and a a focus on solutions

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rather than the problem. Because if all you

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do is focus on the problem, you become

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at the an expert at the problem.

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Whereas if you focus on solutions,

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you can become an expert on solutions.

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That's my message for today, Priscilla.

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That's great.

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Thank you, doctor Meiser.

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Well, that's it for this week. Thanks so

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much for that great information.

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This podcast is sponsored by Meisner audio programs.com.

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These audio programs will provide you with the

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tools and the inspiration

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00:11:28,879 --> 00:11:31,299
to powerfully enhance your BNI experience.

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So check out the great material that's available

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to you at Meisner audio programs dot com,

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00:11:38,414 --> 00:11:41,215
and then use the promo code Ivan 5

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o for 50% off of everything.

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All of the proceeds go to the BNI

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Foundation.

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Thanks so much for listening. This is Priscilla

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Rice, and we look forward to having you

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join us again next week for another

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exciting episode of the official BNI podcast.