Hey, everybody. Welcome to the addiction unlimited podcast,
where you get to learn everything you wanna
know about addiction and recovery.
I'm your host, Angela Pew, c founder of
Kansas City recovery, life coach, and recovering alcoholic,
To learn more about me, you can listen
to episode 0 on your podcast app or
find us on the web at addiction unlimited
dot com.
Hey, everybody. Thank you for hanging out with
me today and listening to the pod. I'm
your coach, Angela Pew helping you get that
sober life you want.
So your struggle is changing your thinking, loving
yourself.
You feel like you're never enough. It's a
daily struggle not only to eliminate alcohol from
your life, but to learn how to think
in a way that's more supportive and positive.
And 1 of our online recovery meetings the
other day, 1 of our members said, she
knows whatever her first thought is, it's usually
wrong.
She said,
she's just come to terms with the fact
that when she recognizes her first thought in
a situation, she automatically does the opposite. And
I know I chuckle, but you guys it's
so true,
and I was exactly the same way. So
this so resonated with me when she started
talking about it.
You've heard me tell the story of my
early sobriety
when someone approached me at a meeting and
invited me to a girl's dinner right with
several ladies from May.
I was literally like,
2 weeks sober and scared to death. I
may have only been 1 week sober. No.
I think I was 2 weeks sober, but
it was my first week going to Aa
because
my first week really sober. Remember I had
a car act. Accident. So my whole face
and head was all busted up.
So my first week sober, I was just
resting at my house. I couldn't really
drive and do those kind of things. So
my first A meeting. I was already 7
days sober.
So I think that's where I get confused
in my head. So I was probably 2
weeks sober what was my first week in
Aa.
Anyway, I don't know why I just had
to go through all that. But
so you guys know because you need to
know every detail.
So you've heard me tell the story. She
approached me, asked me to go to dinner
and Remember, I'm an introvert anyway, and I
was new so my anxiety was
unbearable.
And the only places I wanted to be
were home
or at my Aa group. I didn't wanna
go anywhere else for a long time because
those were my safe places.
And I was pretty freaked out. I know
I don't talk about this too much, but
I was pretty freaked out after my car
accident.
I was really freaked out
about the whole thing. I had... Crazy anxiety
and fear.
I had major
fear about driving.
And I was kind of a mess for
a little while. I was just very, very
uneasy and kind of scared of everything.
Probably just shock and trauma and all of
that stuff. Right?
So she invites me to this dinner.
I don't know anyone
in the committee
immediately
says, hell,
no. We're not doing that.
And and as soon as I heard the
committee in my head, say, hell, no.
I immediately knew I had to do it.
So I looked at her and I said,
yeah, I'd love to.
I went that evening to the restaurant. I
sat in my car and cried
for probably 15 minutes
before I went inside,
my anxiety was out of control
but I knew I had to must the
courage to go inside.
So even though my anxiety was crazy, and
the committee was begging to leave and and
giving me every
rationalization in the world as to why it
was okay for me to leave,
I knew I had to do it.
And I did it.
So why is it that our first response
is usually wrong? Why is it that? We
want to numb and treat every discomfort from
boredom to sadness with booze?
And why doesn't it change when we stop
drinking?
You know drinking is the problem,
So why doesn't everything becomes super simple when
you stop?
It's your thinking.
When we're compulsive
and impulsive and unhealthy and dependent and
insecure,
And those are the things we are when
we have substance issues, we are all of
that.
And when we function from those places,
we make decisions for all the wrong reasons.
Are you with me?
We function from a place of instant
gratification,
instead of doing what is best in the
long run.
We want what feels good now rather than
what is actually good.
Our motives are off.
Most of us
spent years living like that, training our brains
to make decisions in a certain way
choose the date because the attention feels really
good right now. Even if you know that
isn't the type of person you wanna be
with long term,
but the attention and
companionship and lust,
all feel great in that moment so we
go for it.
We're not capable
of thinking about the long term. We act
on that feeling in the moment. What feels
good right now instead of being a grown
up in thinking big picture.
Here's a great example of that instant gratification
thinking
where I was just
absolutely ridiculous. Right? And I tell you this
story as so you can see how deep
seated this thought process is. Right?
It infiltrate every area.
Okay. This was many years ago. I was
probably
in my first year of sobriety maybe second.
I was buying furniture for my bedroom, and
I had found this incredible bed online that
I really wanted.
There was only 1 store in my city
that sold that bed
So like a good alcoholic, I drop everything
and I go directly to the store,
determined to get my bed.
When I got there, they informed me that,
yes, they do sell that bed,
but they don't keep it in stock.
It has to be ordered.
It takes 6 to 8 weeks to come
in.
And I remember thinking where the f is
this damn bed coming from exact clean like,
what in God's name takes 6 to 8
weeks.
You guys I couldn't handle it.
I said ef you, I can't wait that
long. And I left.
You know what I did? I went to
another store, and I bought a bed that
was not nearly as amazing as the 1
I wanted, just because they could deliver it
immediately.
I needed
that instant
gratification.
And ladies, you will totally get this to
you. I can't tell you how many items
of clothing I've purchased in my life that
weren't even my size or a color that
I didn't like or didn't fit exactly right,
but I thought I can make it work
just because I wanted that little high of
instant
gratification.
Are you with me?
It's so silly you guys.
We do this in so many ways
getting into relationships or getting married even when
there are a thousand red flags
because we want the instant gratification, we want
to be in that feeling in that moment
instead of thinking
what's right for the big picture for the
long term.
Driving to an meeting and sitting in the
parking lot, too afraid to go in and
you leave
because the instant gratification of getting back to
your comfort zone is all you want in
that moment
or
avoiding a tough
conversation with your kids or boss or partner,
because you don't want them to be upset
with you or have a fight.
The instant
gratification of feeling good and safe and getting
along
is more important than having a crappy and
difficult
conversation.
Then you end up keeping everything inside, not
advocating for yourself not telling your kids or
partner or boss, what you need,
then you're miserable,
then you get resent and wanna blame them
for all your problems.
Enough my friends enough.
Or how about that yummy food or dessert?
We love to partake in so often
instant
gratification
because you know you don't feel great after
you have it.
If I'm having too many sweet treats in
a week, I do not feel good about
it because I know I'm being impulsive and
compulsive.
Not to mention the physical and emotional effect
of those foods and choices too. Just like
drinking, it's instant gratification.
You get uncomfortable. You want the feelings to
go away
You want the committee to shut the f
up,
and the drink is the fastest route to
freedom,
but only
in that instant, definitely not in the long
term. Because you're gonna wake up the next
day, feeling like a failure hating yourself, wondering
what the f is wrong with you, that
you can't get control of this thing.
In those moments
of
contemplating a drink,
The decision really is about what kind of
life you want for yourself.
Do you want a life you love
being a person you're proud of, or do
you want a life you hate where you're
be braid yourself and cursing yourself all day
every day?
And here we are back at micro decisions.
You hear me say it on almost every
episode. Your life, your reality is a collection
of the little split second tiny decisions you
make a hundred times a day.
Be sad or take action to counteract the
sadness.
Sit in anxiety or look for relief.
Feel overwhelmed or call someone and talk through
it. Ob obsessed over drinking or not drinking.
Or go to a meeting and get love
and support from like minded people.
Do things to grow your recovery or get
complacent and watch at Vanish.
Each moment is a choice.
And what you have to practice is not
getting caught up in the instant
gratification
because instant is almost never the best choice.
Are you stuck in instant gratification?
Are you ready to start taking better care
of yourself and making
more solid and stable choices?
Fear plays a huge role in this too,
and it's okay to have fear.
What you wanna practice is having fear and
moving forward
anyway.
That's courage.
We all have fear. There's nothing weird or
unusual or uncommon about that. We all have
fear. We all have anxiety, which is fear.
It's when you get to a place that
you can
acknowledge the fear, accept the fear,
let it be
and still move forward and do the next
right thing for you in spite of the
fear.
Instant
gratification is a trap because it keeps you
in your comfort zone.
And if you are anything like me,
my comfort zone was drunk.
It was
drunk,
crippled by fear
I was held hostage by instant
gratification and lacking the ability to to escape
because drinking made me weak.
I just didn't have the strength,
the mental capacity to figure out how to
get out of there.
In my sobriety on the other hand,
I get to
regain my mental clarity.
So I can see things in a new
way, and I can begin to challenge myself
to take actions that feel very scary,
but no, I can get through it and
know that I will be okay.
Man, addiction hates that you guys.
It hates when you believe in yourself and
trust yourself because it knows it's losing control
of you. It's losing power over you.
I want you to start thinking about this
is instant gratification. Your initial thoughts aren't usually
wrong because something is wrong with you they're
usually wrong because we're used to making decisions
based on the wrong reasons.
You make your life choices based on comfort
and instant vacation and fear.
Well, that's a pretty shitty criteria, honestly.
I mean,
you're probably not gonna get far with that.
1 of the ways I started making this
shift is thinking about everything in delayed
gratification. The greatest feelings in life come with
delayed
gratification.
Think about it.
The things you most appreciate are probably the
things you had to work hard for plan
for study for, you had to be committed
and dedicated
or that big purchase like your house or
dream car or a handbag.
Maybe you really had to work hard and
follow a budget and save money to afford
what you wanted.
But you did it and it felt
amazing.
That's delayed
gratification.
Start thinking about this in every area of
your life
when your drunk friends invite you to do
something, and you know you will be uncomfortable
and it will trigger alt kinds of feelings,
and it will put you in a position
to drink,
say no.
Instant gratification makes you wanna say yes,
because you wanna be with your friends, you
wanna feel included and cared about. You wanna
do something exciting and not be bored,
but you know better.
You know
big picture,
that's not the best choice for you.
So go for the delayed
gratification, the feeling that will come the next
morning when you wake up and feel good.
Not hungover,
and you're proud of yourself for taking initiative
for making a healthy choice in protecting yourself,
That's self love.
You guys ask me a lot about how
to learn to love yourselves more, and this
is 1 of those ways.
Building self esteem and learning to care for
yourself means you do the things that are
right for you.
Not what feels good in the moment.
But what is best for you as a
human?
That means sometimes I stay home and give
myself a facial and binge watch Tiger King
instead of meeting my friends or scheduling client
calls or working on my website.
I love doing all those things.
And when my battery is dying, I have
to recharge and that is my responsibility.
When you catch yourself being
impatient or snip.
It's usually because you aren't getting what you
want.
It's not going fast enough. It's not coming
when you want it to, you have to
wait and you don't like to. People won't
do what you want them to or act
the way you want them to or say
the things you want them to.
At the core of all of this is
instant gratification and selfish and control, of course.
I want what I want when I want
it.
Practice being okay with things just as they
are.
Practice
acceptance
that things aren't going your way, and they
aren't supposed to.
It's not the world's responsibility
to make sure you get what you want
exactly the way you want it.
It's your responsibility to do that.
And getting what you want for the long
term, the big picture means making healthy and
stable choices in your life each day.
Don't get caught up in instant gratification.
Don't spend your money on the new jeans,
then be panicked and pissed off when you
don't have money for your phone bill.
When you really want the new genes, think
it through.
Think about the consequences of that decision,
a week or 2 weeks down the road,
think about
how badly you'll feel when you're in a
panic about the phone bill and having to
run around, like, a crazy person, trying to
come up with a hundred dollars and
possibly having to borrow money from someone.
All of a sudden and then,
those new genes,
You get a little resent a little resentment
for them
because you're mad, Adam because you're mad at
yourself because you spend the money the wrong
way.
Been there done that.
And that definitely
doesn't feel good
or go on 1 of the consignment sites
posh marker or something and get the jeans
anyway for a much smaller price.
If you wanna live a drama free life
then you have to make drama free choices.
I pay my bills on time now
because I don't wanna be in a panic,
and feel all that an and shame of
being late because I blew my money like
an irresponsible kid
because that's what I used to do.
Over and over and over.
I would absolutely
buy a handbag
instead of paying the cable bill
because I knew I could work an extra
shift and make that money back and pay
the cable bill late.
Of course, I didn't have
healthy self esteem behaving like that.
I was just jumping around my life from
1 instant gratification to the next.
I wasn't making smart choices for myself or
thinking things through.
I was chasing
the high.
Whether it was a handbag,
a guy, a trip, a new car, a
drink. It was all
moment to moment.
With no plan.
When I got the ability to slow down
a bit and start to see
how being that impulsive was not serving me.
That's when I got to start making better
choices.
That's when I could see that the guys
I liked, were not the healthiest choice for
me, even though all that fun,
and lust and in infatuation felt great.
I always ended up sad
because I didn't intentionally choose people that were
a good fit for me. I chose people
based on how good it felt in the
moment.
Then I could see
that when I was so
impatient and didn't have...
The ability to wait for the furniture I
really wanted. I ended up with furniture. I
didn't love, and I felt disappointed.
It would have been way better if I
would awaited the 6 weeks
and had what I wanted, so every time
I walked in the room, I felt proud
and happy and grateful.
Instead, I was a little pissed off every
time I saw it because it was just
a reminder that it wasn't what I really
wanted.
It's so ridiculous when you think about it.
I started to see the value in paying
the bills on time because I got to
live without the stress and embarrassment of being
irresponsible.
Let me tell you something,
bill collectors
destroy my serenity,
and I've had a few times in my
where things were incredibly difficult financially.
It's certainly the story of every entrepreneur for
sure. When you take big risks and take
big action, It doesn't always go well, you
know, it is certainly even if it does
go well, it doesn't go well quickly usually.
Just because you start a business,
doesn't mean the money is rolling in every
day. That's far from the truth.
And I've had some hard lessons in the
last few years. I've started 2 companies by
myself, and there have been times that
between the Irs and credit card debt. I
felt like I just wanted to crawl under
my bed and never come out.
But what I know is
crawling under the bed
or avoiding the calls
gives me a rep reprieve in that moment.
But it doesn't make me feel good about
myself.
What allows me to feel good about myself,
is when I step up and handle my
business.
When I show myself that I believe in
myself to do what I need to do
to be well.
And when all of that was going on,
I had to really push myself to do
things that were uncomfortable.
I had to have the courage to call
the Irs even when I felt humiliated
by how far behind I was I felt
like a failure. I felt weak. I felt
ashamed.
And I had to push myself through that
and tell myself over and over again. How
important it is to face the consequences
of my actions.
I am my responsibility,
my consequences
are my responsibility.
Then I had to make some hard decisions.
And I had to get committed to my
goal on a whole new level.
I had to make the decision to get
my shit together, to handle my business and
be 100
percent dedicated to it.
And that's what I did. You guys have
heard me talk about this before When I
lost a business many years ago, I cut
my lifestyle down to nothing.
Bare minimum cell phone, tiny ugly apartment working
6 and 7 days a week I didn't
so much as buy a coffee for over
a year.
That's what it looks like to be committed
to something.
That's what it looks like to chase
delayed
gratification with huge
lifelong
rewards.
Rather than get caught up in instant
gratification, creating more shitty consequences for myself.
Does this all make sense?
Instant gratification can be avoidance?
Avoid the elephant in the room, Don't face
it. Don't talk about it because it doesn't
feel good.
But it creates consequences
instead of rewards.
And you know what addiction loves,
it loves it when you feel shitty
because you made some crappy decisions and created
some consequences for yourself.
It loves it when you feel bad like
that. Because when you feel bad, it knows
it can pray on you,
feeling bad and embarrassed and ashamed,
make you vulnerable
and alcohol needs you to be vulnerable so
it can lure you back in.
Here's what I want you to do today.
Think about 1 or 2 ways,
you fall into the instant
gratification trap over and over again.
Maybe it's with dating. Maybe it's with money.
Maybe it's with shopping.
Maybe it's being fearful in staying in your
unhealthy little comfort zone.
Identify a couple of specific
situations
you can be in that are instant
gratification.
Then think about what action you can take
to do that differently.
Think through that moment.
When your friends are on the phone, inviting
you out.
Think about how you can make a different
healthier choice.
Think about
what you would say to someone else or
what you would say to yourself depending on
what your situation is, think through every detail
of doing it differently.
Think about the rewards of making healthy choices
and how good you will feel.
Think about the smile on your face when
you get up the next morning,
knowing you made a kick ass decision
that was the best
decision for you.
Think about how strong you feel when you
protect yourself,
speak up for yourself,
protect your sobriety.
Then go do that.
Make a commitment to do
that be 100
percent committed to your decision. Are you with
me?
I think you are.
Think about what it looks like, like, how
I just broke down that situation when I
had all that debt to repay. Right? Cutting
my lifestyle down to nothing.
What are some commitments you can make
to be that committed to your sobriety?
What does that look like for you? Does
that mean sometimes you need to stay home?
Like me, the only 2 places I wanted
to go when I was new the only
2 places I was okay being was home
or at my meeting.
I guess I was okay at work too.
I was pretty comfortable at work because that
was a very safe place for me. They
were all regulars. It was, like an extended
family. They celebrated my sobriety with me. I
guess, I felt okay there too. I just
wasn't there very much. You know, Only worked
a few days a week. So...
But I knew to protect my sobriety
I just needed to have a few places
to go. And you heard Am talk about
this on the episode a couple of weeks
ago, and she talked about the same kind
of thing where she... She didn't go anywhere.
Right? Like, she was so protective of her
sobriety. She didn't go anywhere. She went to
work and she went home.
And she built in an extra shower each
day at at the end of the evening.
Right, to have a little rep reprieve from
kids and making dinner and being home and
doing the family and mom thing. She would
go take a shower to have a few
minutes to res center
get her anxiety and check.
That's what you have to do.
Put together some sort of little plan for
yourself.
That proves your commitment to your recovery.
Does that mean not going and hanging out
with some people right now, not going to
certain place. This can be even friends that
you talk to. Right? Put it in that
perspective. It could even be a meeting you
go to. If there's a particular meeting you
go to where there's somebody
that makes you uncomfortable or somebody hit on
you or whatever the case may be and
you don't wanna go there. Don't go there.
Make a commitment to finding a new place
to go.
But find a new place. Don't just remove
the healthy aspect of a meeting, just remove
it and don't replace it. You have to
replace it with something else healthy.
But that's what I want you to think
about. How can you be more committed to
your sobriety? And what does that look like?
What sacrifices
are you willing to make
to protect yourself and protect your sobriety.
Thank you so much you guys for another
great week
Thank you for all your enthusiasm, your kind
words. Thank you for supporting 1 another and
being active in the comments in the Facebook
group. I think honestly, we have the most
powerful and amazing community of anyone out there.
And I'm super proud of all of us
and grateful
that I get to engage with you guys
and I get to meet you in real
life in our online meetings. That's been really
fun.
If you love this episode, please take a
whole 20 seconds and share it with someone.
Alright. I'll put all the links in the
show notes. I love you guys. I hope
you are having a fantastic day, and I'll
see you next week.
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