Hey, everybody. Welcome to the addiction unlimited podcast,
where you get to learn everything you wanna
know about addiction and recovery.
I'm your host, Angela Pew, c founder of
Kansas City recovery, life coach, and recovering alcoholic.
To learn more about me, you can listen
to episode 0 on your podcast app or
find us on the web at addiction unlimited
dot com.
Hello, my friends. I'm your coach Angela pew.
If we haven't met, I'm a master coach,
national speaker,
founder of my recovery toolbox, entrepreneur and recovering
alcoholic.
In today's episode, we're gonna talk about the
relapse
roller coaster.
And my top 3 reasons that land you
in that cycle of up and down
sober then relapse over and over,
feeling
like you're getting nowhere.
My top 3 reasons people get stuck on
the roller coaster.
1
expectations. You think it's gonna be quick and
easy.
2, lack of direction you don't plan or
create a toolbox or have support.
Or 3 escape, you think you're craving a
drink, but really
you're craving escape.
That's a big 1.
So
Let's start with number 1
expectations. 1 of my favorite sayings is
expectations are pre
resentment.
And the more you think about this phrase
in different
situations, the more you realize how accurate it
is.
It can be as simple as I walk
into my regular Aa meeting, and I see
someone there.
And immediately in my head, I create this
expectation of how they're gonna greet me. This
is a
split second thing that happens. In my head,
it flashes this picture of my friend being
super happy to see me come across the
room to say hello or give me a
hug and it's gonna be all happy.
But what happens
is
My friend is in the middle of a
conversation with someone else and just gives me
a slight wave from across the room.
Well, all of a sudden,
The committee kicks in and starts talking trash.
Right? Do they not like me anymore? I
thought they'd come over and be happy to
see me Did I do something wrong? Did
I do something to make the mad?
And I'll start going over in my head,
all the conversations we've had to see if
there's some reason they don't like me anymore.
Like I legit do this.
The truth of the situation is, they're just
in the middle of a conversation and didn't
have time to come over before the meeting
started.
This can also get
much more complicated
and it can
completely
derail your best
intentions.
For example,
you have an expectation that as soon as
you quit drinking, your life is gonna get
easy and your problems will start to disappear.
When you have this
expectation, you stop drinking
and you get irritated when it doesn't feel
easy,
because you thought alcohol was the problem.
Here's a truth bomb.
Alcohol and drugs are a symptom of the
problem.
The problem is
we don't
understand or cope with feelings well.
So we use substances
to numb the feelings,
so we don't have to feel them.
The reality is you drink to manipulate feelings
and dodge responsibility.
So when you quit drinking,
All those habits don't magically
disappear, then you get mad because you thought
putting down the drink was gonna solve your
problems, but in truth, it's just the tip
of the iceberg.
I'll give you another example for myself and
how I get caught in the same trap.
Many of you know
about 5 years ago, I gained some weight
in my eating habits got way out of
control.
So for the past 5 years, I have
been on the roller coaster with weight and
food.
And I've always fluctuate weight a little bit
like 5 or 7 pounds. And as a
younger person, I could drop those few extra
pounds, super easy with little effort.
But this time, I gained 20 pounds.
The weight doesn't just fall off like it
did when I was 25.
So I would get serious about losing the
weight and changing my habits to eat healthier,
and I would start going to the gym.
And when I didn't have big results in
a week, I would get mad and depressed
and say.
Because I had this
expectation that I was gonna work hard for
5 minutes and get results,
but it doesn't work that way.
It took me about a year to put
on those 20 pounds. So now
I look at it as a long term
healing process
that it should take me a year to
heal and change my lifestyle and change my
mindset
to support the healthier lifestyle I want.
That's how I want you to look at
your recovery.
This is a long game.
Not quick or instant results.
You are healing.
You are changing
lifestyle habits. In retraining your brain to have
a positive and healthy mindset.
You know the person you wanna be and
the life you wanna have and that isn't
going to magically
appear just because you put down your bottle
of wine.
It takes work and it takes time.
Now that I've reached a new level in
my healthy lifestyle
I can look back on the things I
was doing last year and 2 years ago,
and I see how little effort I was
really putting in. I see where I was
totally half ass it.
I was totally
half ass the whole thing with literally
0 commitment.
It's like I would kind of
half ass try for 5 or 6 days,
then drown my disappointment in resentment in ppe
an ice cream.
My workouts were total Bs,
I was doing the absolute bare minimum
to and my commitment level was terrible
because I was still committed to being lazy.
I didn't want to be uncomfortable
I didn't wanna be
inconvenience.
I'm so lazy that I want everything to
be super easy where I don't have to
put in any effort.
And I definitely don't wanna be uncomfortable.
Now that I got off the relapse roller
coaster,
I can see so much more clearly. I'm
looking at this change as a long term
process
and I'm managing my
expectations,
and I want you to do the same.
Don't have unrealistic
expectations of quick and magical healing.
There is no question when you quit drinking,
you will feel better.
Your anxiety will go down. You'll start to
sleep better, you'll have more energy because you're
not poisoning yourself anymore.
And
you will have to do some work to
heal the wounds
and retrain the bad habits into good habits
and it is going to be uncomfortable sometimes,
and it is going to be hard sometimes.
And some days,
you're gonna feel like crap. It's just that
simple,
and it's okay.
You aren't alone in this.
You are super strong.
You already survived poisoning
yourself so surely you can survive recovery.
Listen, get real here.
People who have cancer
and have to do chemotherapy and radiation don't
stop their treatment because it's uncomfortable.
And we've all heard the horror stories and
I'm sure some of you have experienced at
firsthand. We've all heard the horror stories of
chemotherapy and radiation and how awful it is
and uncomfortable
and how your whole life is put on
hold.
But those people aren't saying,
you know what? I changed my mind. I
think I'll just keep the cancer.
Right?
The treatment for any illness is uncomfortable and
has difficult side effect. Our illness is no
different.
Don't have crazy
expectations that turn into resentment when things don't
go your way. Be realistic in your
expectations. You're playing a long game for long
term results
and you are a warrior.
Be a warrior.
Look discomfort in the face and tell it
to f off.
When the committee starts talking trash,
tell it to f off and tell it,
you're a freaking warrior
and we're not messing around here.
Real change,
real relief that lasts
takes real time and energy. So let's do
that.
And this takes me right into number 2,
lack of direction
You know you wanna be sober,
you know drinking is ruining your life.
You know you wanna stop,
but you don't have a plan or a
clear direction. The only thing you planned was
not taking the next drink. And that plan
is not gonna get you far.
When you quit drinking, it leaves a lot
of hours uno
because we spend a lot of hours drinking.
When you are changing a habit,
you'll be much more successful if you
exchange the habit.
Meaning
if you are taking something away,
add something in its place.
Swap your alcoholic beverage for a new non
alcoholic beverage.
If you used to sit in your living
room in your favorite chair, drinking your life
away, don't just stop sitting in the chair
and never go in the living room again,
either move the chair to a different spot
in the room or get a new chair
or create a whole new space for yourself
to sit and enjoy your evenings.
I have 1 client who created a beautiful
little space center her bedroom with 2 chairs
and a small table to sitter coffee on
ride inside the window
so she gets this great sunlight coming in,
and that became her new spot instead of
sitting in the living room where she used
to sit in front of the Tv drinking
bottles of wine.
Exchange habits.
If you used to hang out in bars
on the weekends,
switch it up and start hanging out at
the coffee shop or the bookstore or the
gym.
My gym has this great little cafe where
they have healthy food and protein drinks and
coffee. It's like a little restaurant.
And in the evenings, it's full of people
hanging out connecting.
Connecting in a healthier
lifestyle and a healthier place.
Also, I think because the gym has childcare
care, so everyone can work out then then
go hang out in the cafe Ave for
a little while before getting the kids and
heading home for the evening.
And don't create unrealistic
expectations here either.
Don't think, oh, I'm gonna go hang out
at the coffee shop and meet people and
have a great time. And you go once,
and you don't talk to anyone, and then
you decided it didn't work and you're disappointed
so you don't do it anymore.
Wrong answer.
You have to do something
at least
5 or 10 times
just to get through the initial discomfort of
being uncomfortable.
If you try a new Aa meeting,
Make a deal with yourself to go at
least 7 times before you decide,
you like that 1 or not.
If you wanna create a new habit of
spending time in healthier places where there are
non drinking people,
make a commitment to trying 5 different places
and go to each of them 5 to
7 times
before you make a decision.
And if you wanna meet people, then you
have to smile and make eye contact and
say hello to people.
You know this was an extremely challenging issue
for me because my anxiety was so
bad.
When I was new in sobriety. It felt
excruciating just to walk into a meeting and
even worse to push myself to connect with
people.
But this is what I mean about having
a clear direction. I know I wanna be
connected to people.
I know I want to have fun.
I want sober friends.
I want to go places and do things
with people just like me.
So if that's what I want,
then I have to take action to create
that.
And that means going to places where sober
people are and saying hello to sober people
and accepting
invitations to do things with sober people
even if they aren't things I would normally
do.
That's how I started making friends when I
was brand new,
I was invited
to dinner with a group of women I
didn't know, and of course, I didn't wanna
go. The committee was screaming at me to
say no.
But I knew I had to go against
the committee for sure because the committee isn't
trustworthy
and I knew if I wanted to have
sober friends and a fun sober life then
I had to be willing to be uncomfortable
and hang out with sober people.
I went to the dinner. I sat in
my car cried for probably 20 minutes
before I went in because my anxiety was
so bad
but I did it. I stayed 30 minutes
that it was nice.
It wasn't life changing, like, I had the
time of my life.
But it was life changing in the way
that I was putting the time and energy
into breaking old habits
and creating new healthier ones that were in
line with the life I wanted to build
for myself.
Micro
decisions.
Those split second choices will change your life.
This is exactly why we're doing the Sober
vision workshop to get clear on that direction
you wanna go and get clear on what
you need to do to accomplish the life
you want.
No lifestyle is built overnight. It has taken
me years to become who I am today.
In every single year, I see massive growth
because I have a clear direction.
That's what I want you to have.
And this will help with
expectations too, being accurate with your
expectations and having a clear direction,
will help you feel that sense of accomplishment
rather than getting stuck in the trap of
I should be better than this by now.
I should feel better. I should be farther
along.
First of all, every sober person has those
same thoughts. I think it at least once
a week about something.
I have to catch myself and remind myself
that everyone feels that way, and I am
exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Okay. Last 1. Number 3,
craving,
escape.
Here's a huge
misconception
especially when we use the word craving.
You are not craving
a drink.
You are craving
escape.
We drank
to numb
and avoid
feelings.
We drank
to numb
anxiety,
numb, guilt,
numb
insecurity,
numb in indecision, numb, fear.
When you get sober, you have no escape.
You
now have to provide the escape for yourself.
You have to find out
what makes you feel better and gives you
relief.
And you have to be realistic in your
expectations
because the activities we enjoy sober
are not anesthesia like alcohol.
Alcohol is a natural an aesthetic,
and it numb physical and emotional pain.
Sobriety does not do that,
so don't expect it to.
You will be uncomfortable
and you will survive.
You have to build your survival muscles
because you haven't used them in a long
time because you used alcohol to survive everything.
And building muscles takes time and energy and
practice.
You are per capable of being uncomfortable in
getting through it,
especially if you follow all the strategies and
plans I map out for you with this
podcast,
If you follow along and put the things
in place that I suggest you will definitely
be able to get through those uncomfortable times.
Don't get caught up in a craving and
convince yourself you're craving a drink.
What you are craving is an escape.
And relief from whatever you're feeling.
When a craving pops up,
label it,
label what you are feeling
that you want to escape.
The drink is just the fastest way to
not feel. It's not the drink you want,
It's the not feeling that you want.
You wanna numb, and the drink is what
you've always used to numb.
Keep that in mind, the alcohol is only
the tool,
and now you have to find new tools.
If you wanna feel better than find things
you enjoy and go do them.
If you want friends, go make them. If
you want hobbies, go find them.
If you want sober people to hang out
with, go where sober people are.
Sober people aren't going to get on a
bus and show up at your house asking
to hang out and be friends with you.
A ferry is not going to show up
on your doorstep
with a perfect life in a box where
all your problems are solved and you are
happy.
It's not anyone else's responsibility
to build you or build your life. It's
yours.
That means you have to invest the time
and energy and sometimes money to explore new
things in different things
to break down your anxiety to find activities
you like to do to feel better and
have fun.
No 1 can do your work for you.
I promise you if I could do all
the work for everybody. I would do it
in a split second. I would do it
for everybody.
It's your life,
create it to be whatever you want,
but don't expect to sit around the house
complaining about everything
and not taking any action and wonder
why you don't feel good and you aren't
having any fun.
And in this process,
think about how you can help others.
What can you do to make someone else's
journey feel better?
How can you make someone else a little
more comfortable.
Think about the people around you
and think about that their anxiety is bad
too.
So maybe you smile at them first to
offer some comfort instead of only thinking about
yourself and how bad your anxiety is.
Be mindful of the people around you.
Maybe you see someone in the grocery store
who looks tired or stressed out or their
kids are acting like animals.
And you can see they're embarrassed.
Take 3 seconds to say a few kind
words or give them a compliment or offer
some empathy about our children acting like animals
because we can all feel that pain.
I don't have my own kids, but I
have a very clear understanding that those little
people are completely irrational and wild.
I just saw a girl at the gym
yesterday
the day is right next to the women's
locker. So I'm walking out of the locker
room and she had just gotten her kids
out of day.
And her little baby, probably 7 or 8
months old was screaming
at the top of her lungs.
And the poor mom was chasing her other
1 who was about 2 or 3, chasing
her down the hallway.
If this poor girl was young. I mean,
she was in her early to mid twenties,
and you could tell she was just about
to lose her grip.
And her kid was screaming, and I just
looked at her and smiled, and I said,
I totally understand where she's coming from. I
feel the same way about 3 times at
And we both got laugh for a second.
I wanted her to have a moment of
empathy and a moment of relief and to
take the edge off and instead of ob
about myself and whatever thing I'm complaining about
in the moment and thinking about keeping my
head down because my anxiety is so bad.
Stop only thinking about yourself,
Lift your head up, make someone else's day
better, be of service.
Okay. Let's recap.
1,
expectations.
Expectations are pre
resentment don't have unrealistic
expectations about what you will get or how
fast you will get it in sobriety.
You're playing the long game.
Not the instant gratification game.
You will definitely have some relief when you
quit drinking,
and we want
continued relief for the long term, so we
are going for lifestyle change.
It's so funny to me how quickly we
expect
results in our lives
when we get sober, when really, usually, we've
dedicated
years
to our
demise. Right?
It took years of drinking to get where
I got, and it only makes sense that
my healing will take time also.
Don't get frustrated, just know there isn't a
fast and easy solution.
Make sure you manage your expectations so you
aren't getting upset when things don't go your
way.
Some days are going to be fantastic. In
some days are going to be not fantastic.
We can't control life.
But we can control how we respond to
it.
If something feels off or isn't going the
way you thought it would or the way
you wanted it to.
Take a second and reevaluate the situation and
see what you can do to shift it?
Could you be doing more? Do you need
to be more patient, are you being lazy?
Are you being entitled?
Could you be trying harder?
Manage your
expectations and be kind to yourself?
This is a hell of a journey you're
on, give yourself some grace.
Number 2, lack of direction. If you don't
have a plan,
create a toolbox and support,
you will fl with little
success.
Having the understanding that this is going to
take time, you're going to have to be
patient and make your decisions with
intention
to live your life
intentionally,
this will serve you very well.
Here's what I mean when I say live
intentionally.
That means you think about each part of
your day and you choose what actions to
take.
You choose
what things you will decline and you choose
what boundaries you set with people and situations.
Remember the daily routine checklist I made for
you.
This is what it's all about.
Intentionally, choosing what steps you take and when
you're going to take them. I break it
down into 3 parts of the day. Right?
Morning noon and night. And then I have
a list of things to choose from, and
I make sure I do some of those
things from the list in those different times
of day. Easy peasy.
For me, I'm always gonna make sure I
do something for my sobriety.
I'm always gonna make sure I do something
to be of service to others.
I'm always gonna make sure I do something
healthy for my body.
Super simple, and there's a million ways to
do all of those things.
The key is you have to have direction.
You have to know what you want your
life to look like. The person you wanna
be, how you wanna feel.
So you know what activities to choose
intentionally
to get you going in that direction.
Number 3, escape.
You think you're craving a drink, but you're
really craving
escape.
Don't get this confused.
What you're craving is an escape. You want
to numb your feelings
and the drink is the method you always
used before and it's the fastest way to
escape.
When that craving creeps in, take a minute,
figure out what you're feeling.
Once you know what you're feeling,
then do something to cope with that feeling
instead of trying to escape it.
You aren't craving a drink. Don't let the
committee fool you with this.
You're probably
uncomfortable,
bored, lonely,
tired,
overwhelmed, angry,
confused
or a thousand other things.
And you don't have any experience dealing with
emotions, so your go to move is to
numb them and escape responsibility of having to
deal with them.
A drink is not your solution. Don't fool
yourself.
Okay, my friends.
Another episode together. I love you guys.
Thank you for all your support and love
and kind words, I'm so happy that we
are in this together and supporting 1 another.
And if you enjoyed this episode take a
second and share it with someone you know
who will love it also.
I hope you are having a fantastic day,
and I will see you next week.
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