As you start to reregulate your nervous system
and practice integration,
that there is hope that arises
from moments of wholeness and moments of safety.
Welcome to Boundless Bee, the Hemophilia Bee Podcast,
the podcast standing with you from a family
like yours, presented by the Coalition for Hemophilia
Bee and in partnership with Balancing Life's Issues.
Today, I'm here with Doctor Charlene Kendrick, an
applied neuroscience expert, creator of the neuro relational
integration model. And why are we here talking
with you today? Well, this time of year
brings joy, but also a lot of pressure.
And for families living with hemophilia b, the
holidays can trigger deep emotional, physical,
and logistical stress. So today, we're gonna explore
science back ways to calm the nervous system
and stay prepared so you can navigate the
holidays with more resilience and peace. So welcome
to the podcast.
Thank you for having me, Kai. Absolutely. So
let's just start broad. Why do the holidays
trigger such stress? Oh, gosh. There's a myriad
of reasons, but let me back up really
quick so I can give a little context
here. So I apply neuroscience
to help people access intelligences that they didn't
even know they had. Meaning, most of us
were trained to think our way through everything,
including
the stress of the holidays and including the
fear of the world that we now live
in today. So my job is to help
people
access the wisdom that is in our body
and our spirit, not just our mind, so
that we can navigate our human experience, such
as holiday stress. So
holiday stress, what it's happening and why it's
happening. Listen,
you all, it's hard to be human. And
whenever humans get together
in large groups of being human, it just
gets harder. So a lot happens in the
holiday. As Kai said, there's so much hope
and shared tradition and co regulating that happens
in the holidays. And, also,
one of my favorite
idioms is the root of all anger is
unmet expectations
that a lot of us go into the
holidays expecting them to be filled with just
hope and beauty and joy. And while that
is true, holidays are not separate from the
human experience, which includes stress,
relationship stress, physical stress. So mixed in with
the hope and the joy is always going
to be the pain and suffering and just
hardness
of being human.
Yeah. A lot of it, honestly, is expectations.
We want a break
from the stress,
and yet when we met when we come
in together for the holidays, we realize the
human experience is still on the holidays as
well. And the human experience still includes stress.
Absolutely. And I I think one of the
things that I always think about is, like,
oh, wow. Coming up on on a nice
little break, and do you actually take a
break during the holidays, right, in, like, recharge
the battery?
Yeah. And we want a break listen. We
want a break from being human and a
break from humaning. And then we get into
the holidays, and we realize we still have
to be human and do the peopling thing
in the holidays. Yeah.
You know, and on top of that, for
the hemophilia b community, it's not just the
kind of shared stress of the holidays that
can, you know, bring for so many people.
In addition, it's, you know, medication storage, emergency
treatment plans. Yes. You know, maybe memories of
of a of a holiday that didn't go
so so well or, you know, of a
loved one who's not here with us anymore.
So I think what I wanna do is
you've taken all these
stressors and these words and these triggering things
that might happen during the holidays and talk
to us about some practical tools
that we can use to help regulate our
nervous system at these times.
Yes. So friends,
your body has a nervous system. It actually
has three, but we're gonna just talk about
the central nervous system today. So one of
the things that we can do is to
recognize the first step of managing,
honestly, stress and fear and anxiety is to
first pause and become aware
of your body being stressed and anxious and
afraid. There is such incredible power in being
awareness. So the first part of what we
would call,
neuro relational,
intelligence
is to stop and to be aware
of what's going on with your body.
So once you start to realize, oh my
gosh, my heart rate is up. I'm snapping
at people. I'm moving around in a lot
of fear once you start noticing some of
those reactive patterns kick in. And for all
of us, our reactive patterns are different. Mine
tend to be more aggressive, and my partners
tend to be more withdrawing. So once you
start to become aware of your reactive patterns,
one of the first and honestly simplest things
you can do
is breathe. It's the face heart connection. The
scientific name is your ventral vagal break, which
is a fun name to say. But just
stopping and taking a deep breath
is going to help you calm your nervous
system and help move you back into a
place of rest, curiosity, and
relaxation.
Along with that, there are really beautiful grounding
techniques that are easy to do. You can
do them quickly, simply with your children, with
your family, with your partner, with your puppy.
And the first one is just 54321.
Just count backwards. And here's here's how this
works. Just notice I'm stressed, I'm having sensory
overload. Whatever the stressor might be, stop.
And I just want you to look around
and notice five things. So think about engaging
your site. You look at five things in
your environment
that when you're moving really quick and you're
in a reactive state, you're not noticing. This
is just simple mindfulness, being present. So notice
five things
and really look at them, like notice them.
The next thing is maybe start to close
your eyes
and you start to listen to four sounds
that you can hear and really hear them.
Maybe it's a bird chirping. If you're really
quiet, you can get in a place where
maybe you can hear your heart actually beating.
If you happen to be holding on to
your child or in in a embrace, a
lot of times a ventral vagal embrace or
a hug with deep pressure, you can start
to just feel and hear the body of
the person with you and next to you
as you co regulate.
And then the three part is start to
think of three things that you can smell.
As funny as that sounds, is it can
you smell your hair? Can you smell your
clothes? What what scent is in the air?
What is it that you are your sensory
of smell is picking up?
And then the two things is touch. What
are two things that you can touch and
pay attention to really noticing
that touch is really soft or that's scratchy?
But really focusing, bringing all of your mental
attention on what you're touching
helps
slow your regulation down regulation, basically, and it
does slow your nervous system down. And then
the last one is just taste. What's one
thing you can taste? And maybe you just
had coffee, maybe you're eating a cookie, maybe
it's peppermint.
By just noticing what you're sensing actually calms
sensory overload,
which is really helpful. And it's so simple,
and you can do it anywhere with anyone
at any time. I love that. And I
just wanted to point out a couple of
things. One, that was about two minutes
to three minutes of you taking us to
that exercise. And
imagine being able to step away from that
moment that's triggering you for that amount of
time,
and imagine coming back to that place in
a better state of mind. Right? And and
the other thing too I wanted to point
out, maybe you could talk about a little
bit is what happens when we start bringing
this sense of calm and peace to triggering
moments
in the future. Right? Because it's a practice,
and we know this is very difficult. Mhmm.
It's not gonna happen overnight. It's a lifelong
journey,
the the mental health awareness and and being
mindful in these moments. So talk to us
about what's gonna happen to this moment in
the future if I start bringing peace to
those moments. Oh, friends. This is cyclical integration.
So first of all, just taking two minutes
to do a quick grounding exercise, access is
it, it basically lights up and engages your
gut brain. That's your second brain. Your enteric
nervous system connected to your central nervous system,
it's your second brain. So two hours of
stress
can be calmed and metabolized in just two
minutes of grounding exercises.
So the more that you do this, think
about it. The first couple of times when
you start doing grounding exercises, they seem long
and arduous. But once you relearn how to
participate
in reregulating your nervous system,
like practice and like any routine or ritual,
you'll start to reregulate
quicker, faster, more often.
So what happens is once you consciously
participate in regulation,
then you are retraining
your gut brain and your head brain to
be in communication,
and that will begin to happen more often
and faster
below the level of consciousness.
So you'll be able to start regulating faster
without even bringing your conscious awareness to it.
Yeah. And I just as someone who has
had a a journey through therapy, you know,
I have had I was when I would
be triggered, I would I would become aggressive,
unfortunately. And that was ten to twelve years
ago. And because of therapy and be and
because of exercises like this today,
I'm still triggered.
Right? Yeah. I still have those things that
get to me. But to your point,
it went from hours of being withdrawn and
and frustrated to
a second
because
I'm able to move through it more quickly
because I'm not in fight or flight. Right?
Right. And so you're talking about so when
I love this, it's growth, in system theory,
it's called first order change where you just
become better at doing something.
But second order change, that's actually evolution and
it happens through neuroplasticity, epigenetics. We won't get
into that here. But you actually
evolve and become a more complex
human able to do new things quicker and
faster because you reorganized your whole system. Mhmm.
So even what you're talking about, Kai, is
actually you participating in your own evolution
in real time. Absolutely. So let's talk about
how I can include my family or a
loved one or a partner
in this exercise because you're gonna be at
the thing the the holiday table. You're gonna
be celebrating, and you're gonna have these feelings.
How do I, like, signal maybe to a
partner that, hey. I need to step away
or I'm not doing so well? Oh, this
is huge. Okay. So friends, we're gonna access
our third brain, which is our heart brain.
You have 40,000
neurons in your cardiac nervous system around your
heart that are your relational attuners. It's exactly
what Kai is talking about. When you start
to whether you start to notice yourself disregulating
or you're noticing a child, a partner, a
sister, a friend,
this is my most favorite thing. In the
polyvagal theory, they call it polyvagal partnerships. We
call them strong words. Isn't that fun? Who
doesn't love a good, like, alliteration? Right? Right.
And so to have a polyvagal partnership, meaning
you start to have some type of call
it like a safe signal, if you will,
and you're saying, hey. My nervous system is
starting to dysregulate. It just means that your
body is registering threat, whether it is actual
or imaginary. K? And so a safety signal,
it could be anything. My husband and I,
we kinda do the, like, and this is
makes for bad radio. Right? When I'm doing
a hand signal and you can't say it.
But I kinda do the, like yeah. I
kinda do the, like, I put my hand
up in the air and I kinda wave
it back and forth. Like, okay. It looks
like it's saying I have an idea, but
what I'm really saying is I need help.
I need help. I'm dysregulating. I need to
go step away for
two minutes to twenty minutes. I am activated,
as Kai said, and I need a moment
to reregulate. Or or can you come over
and help me relate? And so we do
a lot of twenty second hugs in our
house.
Whether it's so here's I'll make the sign.
And my kids can actually tell when I'm
activated. One of my daughters who's, 15 with
autism and it's oh, she's the most incredible
human ever, the most empathetic human. And she'll
come up to me and she'll say, mom,
do you need a twenty second hug to
reregulate?
And it stops me in my tracks. A
lot like Kai, I tend to be aggressive.
My reactive patterns, I power up. And so
when my daughter and for the record, this
is not my daughter's job to do this.
It's my job to co regulate her. And
also, because I have co regulated my daughter
so often,
she returns the favor and that's mutuality. And
so when I watch her start to dysregulate,
I'll go up to her and I'll go,
hey, love. Do you need a twenty second
hug? And she'll say, yes, mom. And so
it's been so sweet to have her come
up and start doing that with me. And
so any type of safe signal and then
figuring out what types of coregulation practices work
with you and your loved one, with you
and your child. Sometimes, some deep pressure or
twenty second hugs do not feel safe. You're
gonna have to find something else. But we
also have eventual bagel playlist. Like, one of
my other daughters is not into hug, but
she loves music.
So whenever we have a signal, we'll say,
hey. Do you need to go listen to
your your eventual bagel playlist? And she'll go,
yes.
I love that. So, you know, I mean,
the holidays, you know, I think there's also
a sense of perfection. Right? The table needs
to be perfect. The tree decorated if you
have one. And I think we put a
lot of pressure on ourselves. So how talk
to us about how we can shift our
mind from, you know, perfectionism to board being
in that moment. Well, first of all, we
come from a long centuries of histories of
western thought aimed at perfectionism. And and part
of that is recognizing that the underlying need
to be perfect a lot of times comes
from the need to not be in pain
or suffering anymore. A lot of times we
think of that if it's perfect, then I
won't there won't be hurting. And so my
encouragement is to shift what we would call
your ultimate concern. Instead of perfection,
look for wholeness making.
Humans are neurobiologically
relationally wired for wholeness within ourselves and with
each other. In fact, our greatest sense of
power and value come this is just plain
neuroscience,
comes from your felt sense of inherent value,
which is connected to your felt sense of
wholeness. So when you're setting the table, when
you're cooking, when you're decorating the trees, when
you're pulling the turkey out, instead of thinking,
is this meal look perfect? Start thinking,
is this facilitating a wholeness making experience
for myself
and for my loved ones gathered in this
space? I'm assuming that that is a big
yes
Yeah. Most of the time. Right? Yes. You're
already doing it. My great hope is to
give you science and language for actually what
you're already practicing and already doing. Because our
our neurobiological
bodies, we are bent in this direction. We
crave wholeness making experiences.
We just tend to mess them up with
wanting them to be perfect. Yeah. Absolutely.
Miss them because they can be so ordinary.
Right. It's gonna go by so fast. Right?
So fast. Yeah. So be looking for and
honestly, that is another way to manage stress.
If you maybe even create a game in
your house, we're going on a wholeness making
scavenger hunt and start to notice what types
of things, what types of rituals, traditions,
practices, moments
can you go. This feels whole.
Not whole like a noun, but whole like
a verb. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.
So awesome. Thank you so much. Those are
some great tips,
and tricks to kind of add to our
tool bag on how to help better regulate
our nervous systems in those times. And and
I wanted to offer one more. You know,
we interviewed, Danny's Dose, the the founder of
Danny's Dose a few episodes ago about being
prepared for emergencies. And just wanted to offer
that is a form of regulating our nervous
system when you can go into a situation
being prepared because we know a lot of
our families are gonna be traveling and that's
higher unpredictability. Right? So just some key points
to remember
as you're traveling, this season is keep a
treatment authorization letter on hand at all times,
ensure your child's or your own medical ID
is current and visible, share your emergency medication
plan with family, school staff, and caregivers that
you'll be traveling with. Know your closest treatment
facility, especially when traveling. And, you know, you
can talk to your EMS department in advance,
if possible, about your condition and medications. And,
again, if you need help kind of sorting
through those ideas and refreshing yourself,
go back and listen to that episode with
with the founder of Danny's Dose. So you've
been May I add to that real quick?
Go for it. When my daughter we lived
in and out of children's hospitals for five
years, and one of our preparation tips was
we had a hospital go bag at the
ready complete with fuzzy socks. You are in
and out of medical facilities, urgent cares,
emergency departments. Gosh. Friends, keep a keep a
go bag at the ready and fill it
with your favorite things. Absolutely. Yeah. I think
the last one I had made was in
preparation of our child being born. So Yeah.
I know for a month, there was a
duffel bag Uh-huh. Right next to the door
for that moment that it was gonna happen.
So absolutely. Well, thank you so much for
being here. You've been so wonderful. I think
as we kinda wrap up,
what's your general reflection that you kind of
wanna share and and, like, what's a message
of hope that can help families
get through the holidays having taken a break
maybe?
Yeah. There's hope in every moment. Every moment
is undetermined. Every moment, there is hope for
new possibility and a new reality. And so
once you start noticing dysregulating,
that as you start to reregulate your nervous
system and practice integration,
that there is hope that arises
from moments of wholeness and moments of safety.
You don't need to live in a constant
state, but there is hope in what we
would call dynamic balance. So find the hope
in the next moment. Look for the tiny
things that you are grateful for for because
where you place the energy in your mind
is the reality that will start to be
created for you and for your loved ones.
Fantastic. And thank you so much, Erud, for
for tuning in. This has been Boundless Bee,
the Hemophilia Bee Podcast, the podcast standing with
you from a family like yours, presented by
the Coalition for Hemophilia Bee and in partnership
with Balancing Life's Issues. Thank you so much
for being here. Thank you. I'm so grateful.
Happy holidays, friends. Until next time, everybody. Take
care.