WEBVTT NOTE This file was generated by Descript 00:00:03.195 --> 00:00:03.705 Hello. 00:00:03.705 --> 00:00:06.135 Welcome back to the joy factor podcast. 00:00:06.135 --> 00:00:07.995 I'm your host, Julie Hansen. 00:00:08.115 --> 00:00:13.425 And this is the second episode and our four part series. 00:00:13.785 --> 00:00:18.495 Today, we'll focus on skills for distress tolerance. 00:00:19.061 --> 00:00:22.751 Every relationship, faces, moments of stress and conflict. 00:00:23.351 --> 00:00:28.421 Distress tolerance helps us navigate these challenging times 00:00:28.421 --> 00:00:30.401 without making things worse. 00:00:31.171 --> 00:00:37.711 The skills for distress tolerance include techniques such as self soothing, 00:00:38.311 --> 00:00:45.181 finding meaning in difficult situations and practicing radical acceptance. 00:00:46.011 --> 00:00:49.011 Before we explore distress tolerance. 00:00:49.431 --> 00:00:51.411 Let's revisit wise mind. 00:00:52.221 --> 00:00:53.541 And why is mind? 00:00:53.931 --> 00:00:59.271 Is the calm, clear headed part of us that integrates our 00:00:59.271 --> 00:01:01.971 emotional and rational minds. 00:01:02.041 --> 00:01:03.721 It's always there. 00:01:03.871 --> 00:01:06.331 Just like the sun behind the clouds. 00:01:06.781 --> 00:01:11.911 It's always there ready to guide us toward making wise choices. 00:01:11.991 --> 00:01:16.401 The challenges that would we're in a stress response cycle. 00:01:16.401 --> 00:01:17.481 We lose sight of it. 00:01:18.231 --> 00:01:24.351 And so this is something that we want to be practicing and I'll mention it again 00:01:24.841 --> 00:01:29.311 when we talk about emotion, regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. 00:01:29.761 --> 00:01:35.581 Because accessing wise mind helps us understand our emotions 00:01:35.881 --> 00:01:38.251 without being overwhelmed. 00:01:38.251 --> 00:01:41.221 And this is crucial for emotion regulation. 00:01:41.611 --> 00:01:45.001 We have to explore and understand our emotions. 00:01:45.001 --> 00:01:50.171 Finding wise mind, I think is a personal journey. 00:01:50.921 --> 00:01:53.711 You have to figure out what it means to you. 00:01:53.741 --> 00:01:56.551 You have to explore and. 00:01:56.551 --> 00:02:03.871 Practice a little bit of self-awareness so that you can begin to use this tool. 00:02:04.741 --> 00:02:09.601 Once you start using it, once you start remembering that we all have it. 00:02:10.051 --> 00:02:12.721 You will be unstoppable in a good way. 00:02:13.171 --> 00:02:13.741 Right. 00:02:13.741 --> 00:02:21.391 So when faced with a stressful situation, And just try to pick a small stressor. 00:02:21.781 --> 00:02:24.781 And that might be having to stand in line. 00:02:24.781 --> 00:02:26.911 It might be having to be on hold. 00:02:27.421 --> 00:02:31.771 Think of something that is stressful, but not too big. 00:02:32.491 --> 00:02:34.921 And then that's where you want to be practicing. 00:02:35.341 --> 00:02:39.451 You don't want to be trying to find wise mind when you are. 00:02:39.881 --> 00:02:43.421 On a scale of zero to 10, your anger is at a nine. 00:02:43.901 --> 00:02:44.501 All right. 00:02:44.501 --> 00:02:50.561 You want to be working with why is mine when you're at a one, a two. 00:02:51.011 --> 00:02:54.191 You know, a three or a four, like something lower. 00:02:54.731 --> 00:02:57.281 That is how you're going to find success. 00:02:57.761 --> 00:03:01.331 And so when you're in that stressful situation. 00:03:01.811 --> 00:03:05.531 Just take a moment to consciously step back. 00:03:05.981 --> 00:03:07.631 And observe your thoughts. 00:03:07.931 --> 00:03:11.081 Observe your emotions without judging them. 00:03:11.781 --> 00:03:13.881 You're just naming what's there. 00:03:13.881 --> 00:03:15.171 What am I thinking? 00:03:15.171 --> 00:03:17.211 What are the emotions that are coming up? 00:03:17.751 --> 00:03:21.801 And allow yourself to find a balance perspective. 00:03:21.801 --> 00:03:25.791 So thinking about what are all of the options. 00:03:26.331 --> 00:03:30.621 It's valid that you have emotions in response to stress. 00:03:30.981 --> 00:03:35.631 But what do we do next so that we're not making it worse for ourselves? 00:03:36.291 --> 00:03:40.821 Getting in the habit of having a curious mindset. 00:03:40.821 --> 00:03:42.531 Is a very good way. 00:03:43.011 --> 00:03:43.761 Two. 00:03:43.761 --> 00:03:49.671 Meet your wise mind and let it guide you toward wise choices. 00:03:50.681 --> 00:03:54.731 All right, so on with distress tolerance for a moment. 00:03:55.271 --> 00:03:58.481 Distress tolerance requires radical acceptance. 00:03:58.781 --> 00:04:01.091 And this is one of the key components. 00:04:01.581 --> 00:04:03.891 Sometimes we have to just accept. 00:04:04.581 --> 00:04:06.501 The reality of a situation. 00:04:07.071 --> 00:04:11.961 Without judging it without resisting it, it doesn't mean we agree with it. 00:04:11.961 --> 00:04:13.581 It doesn't mean we like it. 00:04:14.151 --> 00:04:17.631 But it's about acknowledging what is happening. 00:04:18.111 --> 00:04:21.021 Even if it's painful or difficult. 00:04:21.621 --> 00:04:24.831 And understanding that fighting reality. 00:04:25.281 --> 00:04:27.051 Only increases suffering. 00:04:27.051 --> 00:04:28.761 I'm going to say that again. 00:04:29.271 --> 00:04:35.061 Radical acceptance means fully accepting the reality of a situation 00:04:35.121 --> 00:04:37.161 without judgment or resistance. 00:04:38.381 --> 00:04:39.821 Yes, it's painful. 00:04:40.121 --> 00:04:41.651 No, it's not fair. 00:04:42.051 --> 00:04:43.851 Maybe we didn't cause it. 00:04:44.241 --> 00:04:46.401 But we have to recognize. 00:04:47.061 --> 00:04:50.991 And understand that fighting reality only increases suffering. 00:04:51.711 --> 00:04:57.891 By practicing radical acceptance, we can reduce our emotional pain and respond more 00:04:57.891 --> 00:05:00.501 effectively to challenging situations. 00:05:00.951 --> 00:05:05.841 And what this gets us is a flexible nervous system. 00:05:06.651 --> 00:05:12.231 And a flexible nervous system is what resilience is that 00:05:12.231 --> 00:05:14.691 we're able to navigate life. 00:05:15.111 --> 00:05:17.301 We're not crossing too far. 00:05:17.721 --> 00:05:20.781 In the center lane of the road or not in the ditch. 00:05:21.231 --> 00:05:23.151 You know, unable to get up. 00:05:23.571 --> 00:05:28.551 But we are back on the road and we recognize that this is part of life. 00:05:29.511 --> 00:05:35.121 Not easy to practice, but you have to start somewhere. 00:05:35.721 --> 00:05:41.271 And I recommend that you start with a little tiny practice every day 00:05:42.391 --> 00:05:47.221 I recommend that you pair radical acceptance with self-compassion. 00:05:47.221 --> 00:05:49.921 So that you are thinking about. 00:05:50.341 --> 00:05:55.071 No matter what happens there's no reason to punish yourself. 00:05:55.131 --> 00:06:00.841 There's no reason to put yourself down or, or place the blame on yourself. 00:06:01.291 --> 00:06:04.711 Sometimes we just have to say it is what it is. 00:06:04.861 --> 00:06:05.851 I don't like it. 00:06:05.851 --> 00:06:07.081 I can't change it. 00:06:07.571 --> 00:06:09.821 I have to accept that it is what it is. 00:06:11.321 --> 00:06:14.351 If you're taking a DVT class, you're going to be learning 00:06:14.381 --> 00:06:16.151 other skills that go with this. 00:06:16.511 --> 00:06:20.171 If you are somebody that's thinking, boy, maybe I, maybe I 00:06:20.171 --> 00:06:22.361 do need to speak with a therapist. 00:06:22.901 --> 00:06:28.991 Uh, a therapist can be a great resource to learn and practice these skills together. 00:06:29.441 --> 00:06:33.941 So can't really emphasize that enough, but in the meantime to 00:06:33.941 --> 00:06:39.371 practice distress tolerance in your relationship or your relationships? 00:06:40.061 --> 00:06:43.661 You start by identifying a stressful situation. 00:06:44.051 --> 00:06:48.251 Something that you anticipate is going to happen or that you're currently 00:06:48.251 --> 00:06:50.141 experiencing in the relationship. 00:06:50.911 --> 00:06:53.371 When the situation's happening. 00:06:53.941 --> 00:06:59.041 You want to plan to practice one self-soothing technique. 00:06:59.791 --> 00:07:04.771 And in DVT, there are like 400 self-soothing techniques listed. 00:07:04.861 --> 00:07:05.431 Right. 00:07:05.461 --> 00:07:11.341 But some very basic ones that you can do on the spot taking a few deep 00:07:11.371 --> 00:07:13.831 breaths in and out through your nose. 00:07:14.281 --> 00:07:16.741 Doing a sensory grounding. 00:07:17.281 --> 00:07:22.911 So noticing what you can see, what you can taste, what you can touch, 00:07:22.941 --> 00:07:25.431 what you can smell, what you can hear. 00:07:26.001 --> 00:07:27.921 In your environment. 00:07:27.921 --> 00:07:31.371 Those two things are incredibly helpful. 00:07:31.701 --> 00:07:33.441 They must be practiced. 00:07:33.531 --> 00:07:37.881 They're not going to automatically pop up, you know, just because you 00:07:37.881 --> 00:07:40.491 want them to, you have to practice. 00:07:40.911 --> 00:07:47.301 And that's why being prepared and doing some coping head is another skill, right? 00:07:47.301 --> 00:07:52.241 Like planning ahead , how am I going to respond at dinner time when the 00:07:52.241 --> 00:07:55.311 kids are yelling, the dogs barking. 00:07:56.061 --> 00:07:58.281 What do I want to make sure I remember to do. 00:07:58.311 --> 00:08:04.281 I practice a self-soothing technique and I would encourage you to try deep breathing. 00:08:04.491 --> 00:08:08.571 This breathing in through the nose for a count of four. 00:08:10.971 --> 00:08:12.531 Holding for four. 00:08:15.831 --> 00:08:17.631 Exhaling for four. 00:08:20.601 --> 00:08:21.981 And holding for four. 00:08:24.471 --> 00:08:24.921 Right. 00:08:24.951 --> 00:08:28.881 So just a nice, slow, deep round of breathing. 00:08:30.921 --> 00:08:31.521 Okay. 00:08:31.611 --> 00:08:35.271 The other skill is ABC, please. 00:08:35.901 --> 00:08:37.221 And ABC. 00:08:37.881 --> 00:08:39.711 Please is an acronym. 00:08:40.421 --> 00:08:45.131 The a stands for accumulate positive experiences. 00:08:45.701 --> 00:08:48.011 Be on the hunt for joy. 00:08:48.491 --> 00:08:54.201 The looking for little things, a B Landing in a flower, 00:08:54.201 --> 00:08:56.211 a bird singing in a tree. 00:08:56.661 --> 00:08:58.251 A good cup of coffee. 00:08:58.841 --> 00:09:02.621 , somebody smiling at you, look for the little things. 00:09:04.031 --> 00:09:07.301 The B stands for build mastery. 00:09:07.841 --> 00:09:13.061 Key practicing, just recognize slow, steady progress. 00:09:14.051 --> 00:09:15.881 The C stands for Copa hat. 00:09:15.941 --> 00:09:18.191 We talked about that one a little bit, but. 00:09:19.001 --> 00:09:20.291 Plan ahead. 00:09:20.321 --> 00:09:24.311 What am I going to do when I'm in this stressful situation? 00:09:24.731 --> 00:09:27.121 When I have to, look at my coworker. 00:09:27.571 --> 00:09:32.771 Or when I have to, , make that phone call, whatever it is, how am I going to 00:09:32.771 --> 00:09:36.311 be taking care of myself so that I can. 00:09:36.731 --> 00:09:41.711 Manage my emotions, practice mindfulness and handle. 00:09:42.341 --> 00:09:45.521 Whatever the stressor is with skill. 00:09:46.961 --> 00:09:48.761 All right, so that's ABC. 00:09:49.121 --> 00:09:50.561 And then please. 00:09:50.741 --> 00:09:52.301 And this is an acronym too. 00:09:52.331 --> 00:09:53.831 It's not exactly. 00:09:54.551 --> 00:09:56.741 Well, we here's what pleases. 00:09:57.791 --> 00:09:59.411 Treat physical illness. 00:09:59.771 --> 00:10:01.271 Go to the doctor. 00:10:01.451 --> 00:10:04.391 If you haven't been to the doctor, if you haven't been to the dentist. 00:10:04.811 --> 00:10:07.061 Do your best to get some medical care? 00:10:07.571 --> 00:10:09.371 Balance, you're eating. 00:10:10.301 --> 00:10:17.051 If you're eating a lot of sugar, eating out a lot, eating processed foods, Those 00:10:17.111 --> 00:10:20.081 types of habits are going to weaken you. 00:10:20.621 --> 00:10:23.981 They're going to make you less able to. 00:10:24.461 --> 00:10:29.061 I think and plan and put these tools into play. 00:10:30.001 --> 00:10:32.821 Same thing with mood altering substances. 00:10:33.511 --> 00:10:39.961 If you are looking at your alcohol use or, , other drugs, other prescription drugs. 00:10:40.531 --> 00:10:46.361 , You really want to honestly, look at, is this hurting me or helping me? 00:10:47.441 --> 00:10:48.941 Balancing sleep. 00:10:49.901 --> 00:10:56.891 Do whatever you can to get more sleep, figure out with your healthcare provider. 00:10:57.311 --> 00:10:59.261 With your nutritionist. 00:10:59.381 --> 00:11:01.601 You know, whoever you're speaking to. 00:11:02.021 --> 00:11:04.391 You want to make sure that you're getting good rest? 00:11:04.961 --> 00:11:07.601 And of course get some exercise. 00:11:07.901 --> 00:11:10.331 Most phones, have a health app. 00:11:11.001 --> 00:11:13.701 Let's try to get your steps up. 00:11:13.791 --> 00:11:17.631 Try to pay a little bit of attention if it's really low. 00:11:17.631 --> 00:11:19.401 And you've been sitting all day. 00:11:19.831 --> 00:11:21.301 Get up and take a walk. 00:11:21.661 --> 00:11:23.281 Do that every day. 00:11:23.611 --> 00:11:27.391 And you will see as you build that habit, that it's going to lead 00:11:27.391 --> 00:11:29.521 to other positives in your life. 00:11:30.241 --> 00:11:33.031 And this is kind of a lot of homework to practice, but. 00:11:33.541 --> 00:11:41.011 Finally C F and the next week or so you can practice radical acceptance. 00:11:41.021 --> 00:11:43.601 That doesn't mean agreeing with anything. 00:11:43.631 --> 00:11:46.071 It doesn't mean, giving up. 00:11:46.431 --> 00:11:50.451 It just means that you're acknowledging and accepting. 00:11:50.961 --> 00:11:56.241 A difficult reality that might be going on in your relationship or your life. 00:11:56.781 --> 00:11:59.001 You're going to do that without judgment. 00:11:59.631 --> 00:12:01.581 It is what it is right now. 00:12:01.641 --> 00:12:04.251 I cannot change what's going on. 00:12:05.001 --> 00:12:07.911 I can hope things change tomorrow. 00:12:08.451 --> 00:12:09.951 But for today. 00:12:10.461 --> 00:12:13.161 I need to accept and acknowledge. 00:12:13.671 --> 00:12:17.271 As hard as this is, this is the reality right now. 00:12:18.671 --> 00:12:25.121 Thank you for joining me on this second episode of our series on using DBT 00:12:25.121 --> 00:12:27.881 skills for improving relationships. 00:12:28.421 --> 00:12:33.311 And the next episode, we're going to explore emotion regulation. 00:12:33.881 --> 00:12:37.991 And how it can enhance your emotional wellbeing. 00:12:38.501 --> 00:12:44.171 And your sense of satisfaction in your relationships so don't forget to subscribe 00:12:44.201 --> 00:12:46.181 , we would love to hear from you. 00:12:46.631 --> 00:12:47.861 You can email. 00:12:48.131 --> 00:12:51.731 Joy factor podcast@gmail.com. 00:12:51.761 --> 00:12:59.321 If you have show ideas or questions, And until next time I'm Julie Hansen wishing 00:12:59.321 --> 00:13:03.311 you joy in your relationships and beyond. 00:13:03.821 --> 00:13:04.631 Take care.