Okay, welcome back to the mind, the mirror in me.
I'm scared.
This is my first solo episode.
All by myself.
Just me, just me talking to nobody.
Spooky scary.
I don't even really know.
I don't know how this works.
I tried to record this once already.
And I realized I rely very heavily on.
My dad's validation and feedback to the things that I'm saying,
because if I'm just saying things.
I halfway through, I go.
What am I even said, this is pointless.
Nobody cares.
What am I even saying?
So we're going to try to just power through that and.
Do this because we're being afraid and doing it anyways, because that's what
we do around here on this podcast.
That's my thing.
If you haven't listened to the first episode, that's what it's all about.
But anyways, we're being afraid and doing it anyways.
So if you're listening to this, that means I released it, which means I.
Was really brave.
But anyways, so.
I'm your host Mackey, by the way, I'm not just scared.
I'm Mackie.
I'm feeling scared.
That's what my dad makes me do.
Fun fact, if I tell him I'm feeling really anxious or
no, I don't usually say that.
I say I'm anxious.
He says, no, you're not.
You're Mackie.
You're feeling anxious.
, so that one's always a fun one, but anyways,
I don't really have a direction with this episode, but I kind
of do, but I kind of don't.
I just feel like I have an opportunity to.
Be vulnerable.
And so I'm going to take it.
Because I have a space to be vulnerable.
And.
This is it.
This is the space.
So.
Basically the situation is.
I'm not okay right now.
Just straight up saying it.
I'm not, not doing too well.
I mean, I'm okay.
Right this very second.
But the past couple of days, Not so much.
Okay.
My anxiety has just been at an all-time high.
And it's been very scary, like the one word to describe it.
It's just scary.
I've been very scared to be in my brain.
Which you kind of are always in your brain.
So it's not very fun when you're scared to be there.
So.
It's been a rough couple of days.
It's been a scary couple of days.
It's been a day full of feelings that I don't want to be feeling.
Because it happens even when you're trying, and even
when you're doing the work.
And even when.
You have the knowledge.
And the tools and.
You know, things.
Crap still happens.
And you still have bad days and that's been a really hard thing.
With like, trying to work on myself and trying to do things because it is, it's
the thing, like healing is not linear.
Right.
And it's working on yourself.
It's not linear.
It's it's not just.
Straight up, it's all up and down.
There are still bad days and there are still bad moments and
there are still hard things.
But working on yourself is good.
Healing is good.
But.
There are still hard times.
And, and so, uh, vulnerable vulnerability time.
I am in one of those hard times.
And so I feel like this isn't, this is a chance to be
vulnerable and to talk about it.
So.
Basically, I went home for the holidays and everything was good
and great and fun and happy.
And then I came back to.
Utah.
Where I'm on my own.
And.
And I'm also in the midst of dealing with some health issues.
And being put on different medications and getting off of other
medications and doing all this stuff.
That totally makes sense.
Like why then.
Hormonally and chemically, my brain might be feeling a little off.
It makes sense.
It adds up, it takes out.
But it still may, they're still scary feelings and scary things going on.
And my anxiety has just been at an all-time high, which.
I have been dealing with anxiety for about 10 years now.
So.
What my whole life, but very heavily for like 10 years now.
So.
To say it's at an all-time high, like that that's big time and not in a good way.
But anyways, so I feel like a couple things.
First thing.
Mental health is so.
Real.
And if anybody tries to tell you that it's not real.
It's just in your head that it's not a big deal that you can just, you know, don't be
sad and don't do this and don't whatever.
Screw them get rid of them.
No.
That's not how it works.
Mental health is real.
Your feelings are real.
Your feelings are valid.
Mental health is.
Real and yeah, it's in your head because that's, it's mental health.
It's, it's mental health.
It's in your head, technically speaking, but it's not just in your
head because it's real and it's valid.
Can you talk about that forever, but first thing is that.
Next part of me wants to literally just let this be a
five minute episode and just say.
I'm struggling right now.
And I know I'm not the only one struggling right now.
So if anyone else's.
I see you.
I feel you.
And I'm so sorry.
And I hope that it gets better soon.
Like really soon.
And if I could take the feelings away from you and make you feel
better, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Amen.
End of story.
Stop the recording and the episode done.
' cause that's all true.
That's all true.
I mean, every word of that.
But I feel like there's more here and maybe this is just me, selfishly,
trying to process my own crap.
And maybe this is just something for me to look back on to be
like, okay, we got through it.
We're okay.
See how we were feeling we're okay.
Now.
But maybe hopefully.
Something I say, here will resonate with.
Somebody because again, I know where everybody's struggling a little bit.
It's just the way the world works.
But especially the new years.
Like the new year just brings it out in people too.
To be struggling.
It's just a thing.
I've had lots of conversations.
Well, not lots of inbox for like a week, but I've had conversations
with clients already that just like.
It's a lot right now.
And then for me specifically, you add in medications and health
crap and being on my own and all the things, and it's just a lot.
But anyways.
So I feel like I've been sitting here.
Throwing these things around in my brain and, and just like, you know,
What do we do?
When it feels like our world is falling apart.
When everything just feels like it is falling apart is never going to be okay.
Like, what do we do when it genuinely feels like we cannot survive another day?
Let alone, like the next hour.
Like cannot get through this.
What do we do when it's frustrating and when we're sad and when we're
scared and when we're feeling the big, scary, negative things.
And what do we do?
When we can't even convince.
Our own brain.
That everything's going to be okay.
Because that is a scary place to be.
I'm there.
It's a scary place to be.
And the thing is like, I don't know, I don't have all those answers.
Probably be good if my dad was here because he probably would
have something wise to say, But.
It's just the frustrating thing where you can, like, I feel like I've been
doing this the whole, the last couple of days that I've been feeling.
Often scared and anxious and whatever.
Where I can sit here and say, Like okay.
I've made it through every other hard time I've ever had.
Right.
I've technically survived every single time.
Anything like this has ever happened.
And so have you, if you're listening to this right now, you have made it through.
Every single bad thing that has ever happened to you.
Every single bad day you've ever had.
You have made it through a hundred percent of the time.
And that's big time.
That's something to acknowledge, but acknowledging that does not.
Take away the feelings that are right now.
It just doesn't work like that.
It's not a thing.
You can't just say that's fine.
I'm fine.
If you're not fine, if you're not okay.
You can't just say I'm okay.
And it's done and you're fine.
It doesn't work like that.
And that's okay because it is it's okay to not be okay.
It's uncomfortable to not be okay.
It's scary to not be okay.
But it's okay to not be okay.
So again, I can acknowledge I've made it through.
I've made it through all those other times.
But what the hell do I do right now?
When it's not.
Okay.
When it's hard to get through.
The things that I'm feeling.
Right now.
So.
I feel like this is a chance for me to be vulnerable.
And talk about it and process it.
Let me just walk you through what.
What the last couple of days have looked like for me.
, specifically yesterday, because that's, that was the worst of it.
Started the day off, started feeling a little weird.
I started feeling anxious.
And so I immediately was like, okay, let me do my things that usually work.
So I took an anxiety medication.
I have.
I went and I got the mail.
I got out of my apartment for a second.
I turned on a meditation and I did some breathing.
I started with that.
And.
Guess what.
None of those worked didn't even slightly take the edge off.
And my anxiety just kept getting worse and worse and worse.
And so I was kind of getting to a panicky moment.
Because typically, like I can do the things I can use the tools.
That I've learned in.
Therapy or working on myself or whatever.
I can usually use those tools and it'll at least take the edge off,
but this is not, it was not helping.
So I immediately was kind of going into panic mode.
I was having to focus really hard to not straight up, have a full blown.
Panic attack, anxiety attack.
Again, none of those things did anything.
So then I went to my next thing, which is putting an ice pack on my chest and.
I have this little way to dinosaur.
So I curled up in my bed.
I put on a comfort show and my ice pack on my chest and my way to dinosaur.
And I just try it and I was breathing and breathing and breathing.
Which side note.
The best breathing thing I've found for anxiety.
You breathe in for four counts.
Pause for one, breathe out for eight counts.
Works like a charm.
Except it didn't yesterday, but usually it works like a charm.
But.
Anyway.
So I did that for awhile.
And guess what still wasn't feeling any better.
So.
Then I finally did what I think is.
Debatably.
The most important thing I did the whole day.
But I just sent a text to my mother.
Nothing.
I didn't even say anything.
I just asked if she, if she could talk, she was busy.
But.
In that moment, even in just asking if she was busy, I was beginning
the process of asking for help.
Of letting somebody else know that I was not okay.
Which is really hard to do and really scary.
But that's, that's how, that's where I was at.
So.
Texted my mom.
And the next important thing I did is.
I did.
I did something.
I got up.
And I got in my car and I went to the store.
And I told myself, I didn't even have to go inside, but I
needed to just at least go there.
Shockingly.
I did go inside and I was okay.
And then while I was in there, my mom ended up calling me and.
Kind of told her, you know, I was in public, I was in the store.
Couldn't really get into it, but.
Kind of told her what was going on.
And we talked and.
I just like w you know, then by the time I got back in my car was still
on the phone with her., And I just let her know, like the, I was really
struggling and that I was scared.
And then I just like, didn't really know what to do.
. And, you know, she didn't have all the answers.
She didn't have.
The immediate fix.
She didn't have anything like that, but.
But I was reminded in that moment, just in talking to another human about it.
That I am loved that I am worth it, that I am like.
That I have.
A support system.
Even if it is just a couple of people.
And I was just reminded of that.
And there's something about that human connection.
And there's something about opening up about things and being vulnerable and.
Sharing how you're feeling that does.
Take the edge off a little bit.
Because that was the one thing that I felt like made any difference
at that point in the day.
Were saying it out loud.
Putting it out there.
I think just for a second, it was like, okay.
Maybe I'm going to be okay.
Right.
So that was kind of the start of like potentially being okay.
And then.
After I was on the phone with her, my dad happened to text me.
And so I called my dad and I.
Just immediately.
Started crying.
And I just told him, like, I am having a really bad day.,
I just started crying.
And.
And I just like told him a little bit about how I was feeling
and what was happening and.
How frustrated I was and he just, he listened.
But my mom did too.
And, you know, it was just like, what can I do?
Like, what can we do for you?
Like, we will do whatever we need to do.
, And we just talked for a bit.
And.
Talk to him kind of a grounding way of like, Hey, here's, what's going on?
Like here are these good things you've got going for you.
And my dad just said, You know, he said something along the lines of
like, we'll do whatever we need to do.
Like if you need to come home.
If you need to take a break, like whatever, we will make it happen.
Because you are so worth it.
And that line right there, like that.
You are so worth it.
I'm like.
If you're watching this video on YouTube tears in my eyes, but.
You are so worth.
Getting the help that you need.
Like bottom line.
And I'm not, this is not something my dad said at this
point, I'm saying this to you.
Listening.
You are so worth getting the help that you need.
Whatever that means.
Um, you know, whether we're talking.
Gosh.
Whether we're talking.
Medication therapy friends.
Exercise, like picking up hobbies, whatever it is.
You are so worth.
Getting the help that you need.
Because your life is so worth it because you are so worth it.
And I think just like, I don't know, just hearing that was like, okay.
Because I think when you're in the midst of the, of the dark scary times, it's
you almost like dissociate a little bit?
I think too.
B.
Okay.
And so to be reminded like you are still, you.
Even in those times, like you are still, you.
And your life still matters and making sure that you end up okay.
Still matters.
Like sometimes you've just.
You need that?
That grounding almost.
I don't know I did.
I needed it.
But just that reminder, like.
Asking for help.
It's not weak.
It is not bad.
There's nothing wrong with asking for help.
There's nothing wrong with going to therapy.
There's nothing wrong with working on yourself.
There is nothing wrong with being medicated.
If that's what you need to be.
Okay.
Because not only are you worth that?
But you.
Just by being here just by existing, you deserve a good, happy life.
You deserve to feel more than just the bad, scary things,
just because you're human.
And just because you exist.
There's no, you don't need to prove anything you don't need to do.
Like you.
Deserve a good life period.
End of story.
And you were so worth.
Whatever it takes to get you there.
Anyways.
Having a moment.
We're being vulnerable, but.
But anyways.
So I talked to my people, I talked to my support system.
My parents are my support system.
I talked to them.
I let them know where I was at.
And I was reminded.
Then I'm not alone.
That I don't have to carry this all by myself.
And I think just to be reminded of that.
Again, huge step in the right direction.
Makes a big difference.
It does take the edge off a little bit.
And so then after that, I went to.
The gym.
And I went to the gym knowing like either this is going to be a terrible
idea and I'm going to get my heart rate up and I'm going to go full on
panic mode and it's going to suck or.
Gonna, you know, get the endorphins going and get the dopamine levels up.
Release some of these things I'm feeling.
And there'll be good.
So.
It was 50 50, went into it, knowing it could go either way and think, goodness.
It ended up being a positive thing, ended up being a release.
It.
It was very therapeutic.
It was like just an outlet.
It was a way to.
Get all the things out and.
For the hour that I was there, I felt normal.
Like for that whole hour I felt normal.
And then I went home and I didn't feel normal anymore, but.
I felt normal.
For that hour and just that like little break from the scary stuff.
Made a huge difference.
Like genuinely made a huge difference.
And I feel like I just got like, A quick breath of fresh air and like got
to regroup a little bit before kind of diving back into the scary stuff.
But.
It was, it was important.
And I think.
Um, you know, on top of that, it was, it was just.
I did something, right.
Like I did something other than just sitting in the discomfort.
I did something.
And this is something that my dad and I have talked about in other episodes.
And my dad talks about a lot too, like just in his other podcasts.
And I'm sure it with clients, but just that.
This the idea of, of being in doing.
Just being and doing.
Because there's so much power in being in doing versus just sitting and ruminating.
And that is so true.
And I feel like it just keeps proving to be true.
Over and over and over again, because yes, it's important
to feel the feelings, right?
Like sometimes you do have to sit there and feel the feelings and it's
uncomfortable and it's horrible.
But there's a difference between.
Feeling the feelings and just sitting there ruminating and just
like spiraling and going down into the depths because that's what I was
doing when I was just sitting around.
So.
This idea of being in doing whether it's like, it can be the smallest things.
And we've talked about this before, but like literally if it's
doing a puzzle or some Legos or.
Playing a video game or.
Making some food, getting the mail.
Going on a little walk, like calling a friend, anything.
Doing those little things.
Makes a difference and it helps genuinely.
And so just being in, doing.
Is so important.
And so I'm trying to like, keep doing that then today.
Again, I like.
I ended up taking.
The client.
And.
That I didn't have scheduled.
And spending some time with some family and.
And for that little bit of time, like I was able to be okay because I was
being in doing, I was doing something other than just sitting there.
Ruminating on the scary things.
Because it works.
It works.
Oh, but also side note.
Can I, can I say, can I complain about something?
Can I say something here?
Back to the gym.
This has happened three times.
K.
This was the third time this has happened.
Where I'm on the treadmill and I'm literally running.
Okay, I'm running.
I have a hat on, I have my headphones on running.
And in this, in this gym, there are two rows of treadmills.
There are so many treadmills.
And it was late at night.
There were not a lot of people in there.
And so this has happened three times.
Where I'm running, I'm doing my thing.
I'm sweating.
Nobody talked to me.
I'm like in the zone.
And then I can see out of the corner of my eye, somebody gets
on the treadmill right next to me.
Let me go somewhere else.
There are a hundred different treadmills you could go to.
Why are you on this one?
And then they just sit there.
They're just walk.
They're just sitting there walking and I'm like, okay, whatever.
I'll just do my thing, but I can tell they keep like looking over at me.
And I'm like, Please stop.
I'm in the middle of something here.
And then.
The second.
This girl asked me this question.
I knew it was the same girl that has been these other two times.
And so I was like, okay, here we go.
For a third time.
But picks something like.
Oh, my gosh.
Where did you get your nails done?
They're so cute.
Or.
Yesterday.
It was.
What perfume are you wearing?
It smells so good.
I'm like, oh, I'm on the treadmill.
I'm sweaty.
What do you mean.
But anyways.
I sat in, I don't know how to ignore people.
I don't know how to.
Because anyone I've told this to, they're like, well, you have headphones in.
Like, you could easily just not say anything.
And it would be technically.
Okay.
But I don't know how to not like respond.
So I responded.
And every time, all three times.
Then she starts asking something like, where are you from?
About whatever, like making little things and then it always flips back to.
What do you do?
Are you happy doing what you do?
And anyways, long story short, it ends up.
Then she goes into, she turns it into this like, well, me and my
husband never have to work anymore.
And we always go on vacation and blah, blah, blah.
And.
It's like an MLM.
Scam.
Scheme.
Thing.
That she's trying to recruit me for, but.
I go into the gym.
At 10 o'clock at night.
To recruit people for an MLM.
It's ballsy.
Anyways.
So that's my complaint.
Back to the regularly scheduled program here.
Except is that, am I being dramatic?
I feel like it's weird.
So now I'm afraid.
Of that girl in the treadmill.
Anyways.
Then I.
Drove home and.
I played a song.
I have a playlist that has songs that I listened to when I'm anxious and when the
world is ending and when I'm not okay.
And there's one.
, it's called nothing's all the time by.
Ashley something I can't think of her last name.
, Let me just read you some of the lyrics.
K.
Cause I was, I was crying like a little baby.
Driving home from the gym as I was listening to this.
Good things never last and neither do the bad things.
Easy saying there aren't, but never when it's happening happy or I'm sad.
It all feels everlasting.
Always when it's happening.
Pull me out of the state of mind, hold me down until I realized that
nothing lasts nothing's all the time.
So when it feels like I won't make it out alive, just remind
me of all the storms I survived.
Nothing lasts nothing's all the time.
Really hard to, to read a song lyrics without singing them.
So you almost just got serenaded.
Good grief.
Okay.
Nothing is all the time.
No feeling is final.
What.
Hold on pause.
A quote,
let everything happen to you.
Beauty and terror.
Just keep going.
No feeling is final.
And this is like a sad thought in the sense that like, The good
things aren't necessarily permanent feelings either, but we're not
going to focus on that right now.
We're just going to focus on the fact that.
No feeling is final.
No negative feeling is final.
No negative feeling is permanent.
They do not last forever.
Even when it feels like they do.
They do not last forever.
So.
That's always a good reminder.
And also another thing, a side note, then I came home today
after my clients and stuff.
And.
, I got this star projector for Christmas, because one thing about me is the
stars are basically the reason I live.
I love the stars., I love stars.
Nothing brings more peace than just looking at stars.
But anyways, I got this little star projector thing.
It's not just like your regular star projector.
It's really, it's really cool.
It's really fun and cool.
Just looks like.
Galaxy like cool projection all over.
Highly recommend.
Everyone.
I think everyone needs one.
Everyone needs one.
It's kind of life-changing.
You throw it on.
You sit there.
You look.
You feel.
It's good.
It's good stuff So, so here's the thing.
I did all the things.
I did all the things I know how to do.
And.
I still don't feel totally normal.
ANd I'm still having some of the scaries and.
I don't know what tomorrow will be.
Like maybe tomorrow will be the most anxious day yet, or maybe
it'll be the most peaceful day I've had since I've been back.
I don't know, I'll deal with it tomorrow.
It's not a problem for right now.
We'll deal with that later.
But.
But I'm a little bit better, right?
This second.
Then I was not too long ago.
And so that's something.
But I feel like it's really the takeaways here.
From my whole sob story, there are.
To do and be.
Being a noon doing and being., But mostly.
Ask for help.
It's okay.
Everyone needs help.
Life is hard.
It's scary.
There's a lot going on here.
, And whether that means professional.
You know, psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist.
Help.
Or.
That means.
Calling a parent or a friend or a sibling.
Ask for help.
Because I just don't think that we were meant.
I don't think we were meant to do this life completely by ourselves.
I think we're designed to.
Connect in that.
That goes into asking for help.
And being okay.
And talking about things and not being okay.
And talking about things.
Do and be.
And ask for help.
Trust me.
And even when it feels like things will never be okay again.
They will be.
They really will be somehow.
I don't know.
As I'm out,
it will be okay.
You just have to find a way to get through.
Right now.
Right now this moment, the present.
Right.
Oh, right this very second.
And then that's what I'm telling myself.
Like I just have to find a way.
You know, yesterday, it was, it was pretty much hour by hour.
It's like, I just have to find a way to get through this hour.
And then today it's been more of just, just have to get through this day.
Just have to get through this day.
And again, mental health is so real.
It is so real.
And the feelings that come along with it.
Are so real.
But we're going to be okay.
We're all going to be okay.
Because no feeling is final.
So anyways, that was a lot of me talking, but if you made it this far,
it is going to be okay.
It is somehow it's going to be okay.
But.
For right now for the moment that you are struggling.
I.
See you.
And I feel you.
And I'm so sorry.
That you have to feel the things that you're feeling right now, but.
Truly, truly, truly.
You will get through this.
I knew it will be okay.
And I'm going to get through this and I'm going to be okay.
We're all going to be okay.
Anyways.
Thanks for feeling feelings with me and, um, My dad will be back
for the next episode and we'll be silly and goofy and whatever, but.
Thanks for letting me be vulnerable.
And.
We're feeling all the feelings.
Bye.