Hey. Welcome to the Stephanie Stevens show where
I help you discover the power of communication
and the keys that unlock the doors to
freedom.
In every area of your life.
Well, hey friend, welcome to the Stephanie Stevens
show podcast.
Today, John Bet joins us and he has
become not only 1 of my own personal
success coaches, but a very dear friend. John
is an entrepreneur, a business consultant and leadership
development trainer and he's got more than 30
years of leadership experience in business and production
management.
And as a result of several years of
leadership training with world class mentors and coaches,
he's committed to a lifetime of personal development.
And he shares his wisdom and his knowledge
with us. We are honored and privileged to
have him as a regular guest now. On
this Stephanie Stevens show podcast,
Just a side note now as services include
executive coaching for entrepreneurs who really do wish
to sharpen their skills and leadership training for
management at all
levels. I can tell you firsthand, he has
made a tremendous impact on my own business,
and even how I train my managers and
employees. So I am incredibly grateful. We get
to have John with us. John Bert of
success paradigm.
Awesome. Well, thanks again as always for joining
us. We get so much out of our
time together. I always learn. I know our
friends listening learn as well. And so this
is... It's so exciting that we get to
kind of continue to unpack these issues of
leadership as we go.
And there are endless issues as it relates
to being a good leader,
and
and really,
being effective and impactful in the arenas were
called. So this is perfect
and timely. So thanks again, John. As always,
I just wanna provide a quick little review
based on our last conversation together, we talked
about conflict
resolution,
And we went over
a couple of really key components to
wisely and effectively facilitating conflict resolution. And just
a couple of the highlights and, again, friend,
go back and listen if you haven't had
a chance yet.
It is our, John b conflict resolution episode.
It is c full of actual practical tips
and steps
processes to go through to media conflict resolution.
And some of the highlights included
discussing facts only, in other words, keeping
hearsay out of the mix, keeping emotion out
of the mix and just dealing in fact,
1 of the other things we talked about
is how to assess whether or not,
Both parties are good
and have have kind of landed in a
place where they believe they can ami move
forward.
We also talked about getting feedback and and
collecting information at the end of a mediation
session, wherein and we really find out what
people learned and what they're taking. Away and
how they're able to
implement that.
Going forward in their work relationships or personal
relationships with each other.
So I love that.
1 of the things I took away from
personally as well for my own company is
making sure that some statements about conflict was
are in our employee manual.
You know, because it's 1 thing to say
take your grievance here.
It's another thing to kinda outline how conflict
will be mediated. I think that's really beneficial.
So today, John, let's get personal
Last time it was all about helping our
own group or our own sphere of influence
or our own company, Our employees are volunteer.
Groups, whatever it is that we're involved in,
but
what if the conflict
is between us and somebody else.
You know, that gets really personal, and it's
much easier to separate out the ego.
When you're just
objectively listening to sides. But when you're the
subject matter of the conflict,
whether it be initiating it or on the
receiving end of it,
It's a whole
different ballgame.
So first things first,
how do we see?
How do we frame
conflict on a personal level?
Well, first of all, thank you for having
me today. And so this done a real
good time doing all this work with you,
Stephanie. You And.
The the simple answer is the principles are
the same,
whether it be in business or personal.
So that... That's helpful at some level.
Mh. However,
it it and when you when you say,
personal, meaning,
outside of a business kind of personal or...
Well, even if it's inside of a business,
what if what if the conflict
where, you know, is relating to you and
a vendor or you and a partner or
you and an employee for that matter.
You know, what if it's kind of you're
the subject.
Yes. Yeah.
Okay. So still, with that under the umbrella
of that, the principles are all the same
and conflict resolution, all we're doing is resolving
conflict.
And so let's say, somebody's accusing me of
something. Right? Mh.
So kinda kinda going backwards into this.
I'm gonna always
lean back on personal mastery.
So we are just brought up an environment.
Our world is... Always add odds. If... As
as long as I can remember,
going back decades,
it had it's not changed much if anything
has got worse,
the the resentment, the hate and the anger
that was seeing sp everywhere. So we're being
bombarded with this constantly.
Even if
it's being on
the talking heads on a television
in another room. My subconscious is hearing all
that stuff.
So this is a bombardment.
So personal Mastery is learning how to be
the common in the storm is my favorite.
Visual of the calm what the calm and
the storm is,
that when someone's coming at me with a
agree,
even if it's right,
even if they're right about it is learning
how to not be offended by that.
That it is just
feedback when somebody comes to me,
and they're upset all something
to always accept it as feedback
because all all it is is this 1
person usually,
their experience of me.
There whatever they're saying, they're experiencing something of
me. And it...
And who knows what in their wife
they may be over reacting or reacting
to something that happened in their life and
I triggered them.
Yeah. And I know that now that everybody
that comes to me says anything to me.
I know that the... Even if it's peaceful.
If that's their experience of me that... And
and
that's feedback. Well, they come to me They
they're nice and they're app praising and
or they're mean and they're ugly and they
are hateful right now and they're hating on
me for some reason.
Mh.
So I always re the
reaction often there's a difference between reaction and
responding.
So
The reaction in knee jerk,
bam, I'm gonna not like what they're saying
and I'm gonna fight back. That's knee jerk.
Boom boom boom.
They're
responding is,
ask them questions,
ask them, why... Where where did you get
that information from? Why are you feeling the
way you feel? What did I do that
made you feel that way?
What do what do you think about that,
Stephanie?
So
I love it. I'm hearing you say, first
things first, I'm gonna I'm gonna be honest
because, you know,
we learn so much about our own way
of doing. When we hear
ways of doing. So when you... The first
thing you say when you say just
understanding that it's not personal, d
it. I think that's a practice.
I think that's something that takes a little
bit of time. And I think it takes
a lot of emotional intelligence to be able
to do that in the moment. We are
so defense
mechanism motivated
that
our
initial knee jerk, you know,
reaction is to react, not necessarily to respond.
So I mean, as you said, John, personal,
mastery
is the framework by which
everything else needs to fall into because of
we are not mastering our own
ego benz
and our own propensity to be defensive,
we're already, off of level ground because we're
we're going to emotionally react. Right? It's it's
what's programmed.
So we have to make that
unnatural. It can't be a default. We... Our
nature has to be a nature that is
outside of the realm of ego first and
foremost,
that is its own daily work. So
so that's huge.
Understanding what the term feedback means is also
gonna be really important.
Because you use that phrase a lot and
I hear it a lot, and coming from
the world I came in in broadcasting
anytime we use the word feedback, it was
because,
from an audio standpoint,
there was interference.
If I got, I was getting feedback, it
was, I was hearing 1 thing in 1
ear, and maybe I was hearing an echo
of myself
you know, shortly thereafter. So it's
It maybe has a different meaning than the
feedback you're referring to so,
let's just take this and chunk it down.
What does feedback mean?
When you just say it's just feedback.
Is feedback something that's being reflected back to
me that is me, being reflected back or
is feedback just...
Of observation.
K.
Personally, I think it's observation. It could it
could be a reflection of you,
but
probably, a lot. Of it.
Yep. All agree. Our of mind is when
we understand that it's just feedback meaning. There
they are given me their experience
their experience of me. That's the feedback. Yeah.
Their experience of me. So in a controlled
condition like,
a business. Right? Mh. They will be very
controlled. You go into a conference room me,
You sit down,
people that get it,
no enough to sit a person down and
make them feel comfortable that they're about to
receive feedback.
Mh.
Their they're they're they're
their paradigm is that
peaceful
having a this conversation that something's not right
here, John.
And we're going to give be giving you
some feedback on
my experience of you or our experience of
you. Yeah.
So the... A well
established
environment company or entity,
will have
their their business will be run
in that paradigm that that
receiving everything is feedback, good battery and different
with you like it or not.
So we're getting back a little bit to
the
the reaction versus responding. Right? Yeah. So reaction
was subconscious.
It's but
instantaneous. We aren't even thinking about
anything other than being defensive,
in justifying our behavior.
That's reaction instantaneous. Right? And it comes from
However old you ui, whatever your age is,
is that many years of built up
conditioning.
Get matched. So we have rob robust.
Responding is you take that pause, that magical
pause, receive that information, and to not get
angry about it Just
responding is I'm thinking, I'm gonna be the
common in the storm
as much as it stings that that person's
swear at at me or whatever they're doing.
I'm going to respond in a peaceful manner.
And. Use it the best way as to
ask it's questions. Right? Mh. Are you familiar
the book called the 4 agreements?
Absolutely. Yeah.
Yes.
And So 1 of them is take nothing
personal.
I. 1 of the 4 that we have
agreement myself.
Is, you know, something and and when I'm
teaching this in my workshops. Right?
I always look at, like, the, give it
5 tries, here. Right? If if somebody comes
to you and says something really bad that
maybe I swear too much. Let's just use
that as an example.
I'm say, well, I didn't think I swore
it all
here But it, you know, but a swear
word to 1 person is just ex a,
not a swear word to others, you know?
Sure.
Another person comes. And now I'll just stop
thinking, okay. Now maybe, I am swearing.
And then the third person we sat. And
We need to start step back and say,
okay, maybe I am swearing
too much.
Mh.
And it's it's funny, III bring that because,
friend of mine,
who doesn't really... I've only been known for
a few years, but we became good friends.
He goes, John. How... I'd I never hear
you swear.
And I said, so he's curious. Why don't
I swear?
And I told them the reason why I'm
like training and everything. This. But what about
you Why why do you swear? What's up
with that?
So I have him hooked on personal mastery
now,
just from
using no swear words... Is it... There's plenty
of other ways of expressing ourselves without swearing.
Yeah. But anyways, I, that's just digress a
little bit. So
so to this story, then,
is 1 of the things you had him
do go and and say,
hey. Do you observe that I swear often
or
did you have him determine whether it really
was an issue for him? Because he asked
It's not that you brought it to him
first? He brought the non swearing to you
first?
And then you flipped it and said, why
why do you? Right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So
was able to collect from others, that feedback?
But once, so he's been receiving it for
a long time from his family. Oh,
and and it wasn't swearing it was complaining
actually.
Oh, this swear where it came out of.
He did swear a lot.
But it was actually... Swear, the complaining, and
I think he had to hear it from
a new friend
And so I'm a new friend of him,
and,
and he sees that I don't swear... He
sees that out complain. I them.
Wow. Yeah Yeah.
And it and it opened his eyes. Like,
all of a sudden he's like,
so so give you the 10 minute...
Grill right now. I'm gonna grill you for
10 minutes. The self awareness.
And he goes, oh, my cardio he puts
his hand in his 40 because, I've been
I've been doing this my whole whole life.
Right. So...
That's the personal mastery pot is being being
open to receiving the feedback from his whole
family he's been ignoring it.
I don't complain. I don't swear.
So how long did it take you
personally
to move out of the habit of complaining
and swearing?
A year
for it to really sink in,
and it was through intense personal mastery training,
by the way. I I dove right into
it. A good solid year that it it
was noticeable
And that, people were asking me, John, there's
something different about you. They're were looking at
me. Don't you get haircut,
didn't know what to think you? Right?
They didn't know because I all of a
sudden that being, you know, like, the drunken
sailors, swear words and
to none.
And and what it was was looking in
the mirror and saying, do I wanna be
seen that way, Not even knowing that's the
way I was.
That it's just
unprofessional.
It just isn't... It's... It it it it
it just shows
that there's, like, a boiler,
underneath me boiling away, and I'm angry. That's
what that's what it sounded like. And that's
what It likes actually.
Yeah.
You know, 1 of the things that we
dive into here on the podcast that is
really unique from other communications, training or podcasts
is
inner communication first because inner
communication
absolutely will
affect
and manifest your external communication.
So you gotta hit this statement like this
in here?
Yep. Self,
unconscious subconscious,
yeah,
paradigm
that we've, you know, grown up with that
are patterns that are creating
cyclical pathological,
you know,
path pathology in our life patterns
that we seem to not be able to
break And we seem to not be able
to break it because we're trying to apply
willpower.
Over the top of something that is break
nothing to do with willpower. I mean, you
can do that, you know, really
really
white knuckle. It's like an addiction. You can
white knuckle for a while, You know, you
can stay away from the substance or the
behavior
for a while using
willpower, and then willpower exhaust itself,
and there you are again. And so, I
mean, yeah, that's temporary fix. It's getting down
into the cause, the pattern where it came
from why it's there.
How it currently serves you
and then yank it out has to go.
So so this whole practice
of
understanding that feedback is just feedback. And the
agreement with yourself not to take it personally,
I think is the
you know,
it is the plumb line that we have
to kind of hold everything else up against.
Because whatever else we talk about from here
on out is not gonna work,
if we don't shift that inner paradigm of
peace
and d,
becoming in the observer, collecting the feedback and
then utilizing it. To benefit us, It's ultimately
going to only benefit us.
Yes. Right? If we can understand that,
and just use it that way, you know,
just use it that way. Okay. Here it
comes, but I'm gonna take something good out
of it. I'm gonna be better for it
And then I'm gonna be able to impart
others something really beneficial out of it as
well. Eventually,
that is the gold. But man is that
tough.
Yeah. Well, those initial stages of growth are
so painful.
Yeah.
Yeah. And it was. Looking back on it,
it it...
I keep thinking well, why was that so
painful?
But years now a lifetime commitment in personal
master. I look back and like, Why, why
did I make that so painful? I made
it painful.
Alright made painful.
Alright? Here's is a good point here to...
In,
in conflict resolution.
So,
a lot of times,
most times actually in my experience
that
most people do not know how to give
feedback.
They're
criticizing,
in crushing. You are this. You are that.
You this.
Yeah.
And that's more about them than it is
about me
though so they're directing it at me. Right?
So when we're giving this feedback, or when
we're trying to resolve this conflict because somebody's...
Having has a problem with me
is learning how to give feedback
is gonna help us receive it.
Mh. Learning give it helps us receive it.
So basically,
it's
we're learning by by practicing.
The the come in the storm when they're
coming in at with Dagger,
you put that shield around you, You know,
well the the way of a keto. Right?
It's just energy coming at here.
And
oftentimes
it's seen as a fight,
a quan freight resolution.
Is is a fight between people that they're
resisting each other.
There's so many layers to it, You know?
Yeah.
So there's there's an interesting thing,
Stephanie that
conflict brings out the worst in us.
Or in people? Yeah.
So you and I, both know we work
with an organization, and don't we see the
worst of humanity coming out?
Worse than I could have imagined.
Worse than you could imagine.
Yeah.
And and so in using that as an
example, so we can both
have a baseline, you know? Mh. Never seen
it in all my years working with
businesses?
Right.
And then seeing the worst or the worst
in that organization. Right? Yep But
putting them together, the worst and, you know,
like, on a level 1 to 10. That's
a 10 network experiencing
mine in business was a 5, but
imagine,
those people that are the fight coming at.
You're right?
Do not even see themselves that way.
What does it look like when somebody's,
like,
ripping into you,
or someone.
Not even caring that they look like whatever
you want, whatever they wanna look like a
tyrant or whatever they didn't care. Right.
So what does that tell you?
Well, it might give me a snapshot into
their personality.
I might.
I might unprofessional diagnose a thing or 2
by see behavior.
Yeah. Mh.
And
me... It it also tells me, John that
if they've...
If somebody has reflected back what they've observed
in terms of that behavior and the behavior
doesn't change, and there is not a willingness
to
utilize the feedback
that's
It's a good opportunity then to create separation.
Yep. Because it's a spinning of the wheels.
It's the the keyword here would be willing.
Somebody has to be willing Had be willing
to receive feedback, gotta be willing to give
proper and appropriate feedback. If there is a
not a willingness, I mean, what then? Right?
How do you come to a negotiations or
a mediation table
if 1 of the parties out of 2,
wants to call you a name and, you
know,
take their toys and leave the sandbox.
Pointless.
Yep.
Well, yeah. So name calling is
just
tells you what age your mindset is?
Yeah. It is 9... What is name calling
out, like, 5 or 6 years old?
Probably.
Yeah.
Does that leave us when we're named calling
when we're 40 and 50 years old and
we're calling people names.
Right.
So back to the emotional
back to the emotional, you know, the e
q.
Yeah. That intelligence that that ability to self
perceive. And...
So, Stephanie, that's the reason why Bringing that
point up.
And and and I... Because I'm gonna put
this in my next training by the way,
what... What, I'm learning here as we go.
Right.
That should tell you something right there when
someone's coming at you name calling
that that you don't need to even participate
anymore.
If they s so low to be calling
your names, like child,
school eyed names.
Mh.
The the game's over. They've lost their credibility
as right as I'm concerned. I no, no
I'm just listening and, okay. I'm receiving. I
still receive it. They're just doing it.
In a very unprofessional, I call in humane
way
to treat people like that. How you treat
people is At the end of the day
is whether you... Is gonna determine your a
success or failure.
Absolutely.
Yeah. Absolutely.
So
the pairs see the layers.
Yeah. The the layers. Yeah. Mh.
So
so let's say,
we have then
2 willing parties.
I'm willing to receive the feedback. Obviously, this
other person's willing to give it because here
they come.
I'm just gonna
get into the right frame of mind.
2 things. First,
how do we properly
receive the feedback so that we actually can
benefit from it and that so that we
can maintain and even
maybe even grow our relationship from there.
That's number 1. When we're done... So discussing
that. I definitely wanna talk about how we
can properly
give feedback.
Like, how how do we set the stage
for it, how do we ease our way
into it And how do we leave the
person just like you said
better than when we started?
Great.
Okay. Okay. Yeah. So you wanna do... Okay.
The feedback.
So
to properly give it.
We we have to be in a place
where
have the wherewithal to receive it as well.
Mh.
Always have to have that mindset that that
we're setting... We're creating space for these folks
to enter.
So to give good feedback.
I I... What I use is the the
term, the feedback burger.
So you get the 2 buns
and and hamburger in the middle or whatever
veggie burger. Right? Yep.
Thank you.
Yeah.
So the the the 2 buns are praise.
So, of course,
we want to be in an environment where
praise is all the time.
Because
if it... It's not being
utilized all the time. For not praising all
the time. When we're doing the feedback and
you praise, it's not gonna be genuine.
No may not be seen that way.
So you're always gonna be praising people of
course in a very professional manner in a
business, but in any way, shape or form
in in your private life.
And then the burger pot
it is... This is, like, the meat of
the the the problem is
rep freezing. They know they're there for feedback.
Right? Already. I'm gonna I'm, kinda...
Studying in the middle working on my way
out here
is the feedback could be in how it's
worded is First of all, let's say it's
me to you Stephanie Say, Stephanie you've done
a really really great job here. You've been
an asset to our
organization. If we talk about business.
This can be in anyway. We love your
family.
However, this this 1 thing, I wanna bring
out to you that I I don't think
it's serving you.
And you name it or whatever it can
be, maybe using swear words or a product
complaining, or
you're always always complaining, Stephanie. And it's and
it's hurting you. People don't wanna hear it.
There are, you know, there are other ways
of expressing myself without coming a process of
a planner,
using that. Mh.
That's a that's easy slide in to,
you know, and allow them to
express themselves.
So devil's advocate, devil's advocate. If I hear
that, I may say I'm always
complaining, like, always. That's... Yeah. Be extreme always.
Yeah. So
is it.
Okay.
So you you play a lot.
Mh.
Or Or what about this? Oh, okay. Well,
or what about this?
What about
have... Has anyone ever told you or or
offered that you can complain a lot? Have
you ever heard that before?
Could you... Is that too easy? I mean,
are we let them off the hook, are
we being going in too soft if we
do it that way? Or do we just
need to say you complain? And here's what
it's doing to people? Right. Yep.
You will be practicing.
You see 1 person's
complaint and and to bring up,
So give you an example to talk about
complaining from error.
We can say that boy is cold out
there. From.
And you're coming up in from a, you
know, winds storm,
snow and everything, and you make that... That's
not complaining. Mh. Participating.
The obvious it is cold out there. Yep.
But if just it's sitting in the house
and it's... If boil is
firing away and keeping your house warm and
you're complaining of all the coal y ate
the cold.
Cold is this. What am I doing here
Blah blah blah? That's complain.
See the difference? I laugh because that hits
him yet. But, yes. I
observation and being in the habit of...
Stating an observation
coming from just that as opposed to
swearing about it's cold outside of the snow
or the rain of whatever. Exactly.
Yeah.
Exactly. You chose ride car that day. So
you're stuck in into traffic and that's sign.
Yeah yeah.
Alright. So there's... That's a good point, though.
I I'm glad you brought that up. So
it's
this is something that we're all gonna learn
as we practice getting feedback to people.
And what to do when they do pushback
because most likely they will. However,
when how we present it is gonna be
less likely they'll resist.
Because you know what?
Oh, I'm gonna finish the burger.
Yeah.
Other side of the burger is the bond.
Right?
Is we're praising. I wanna thank you very
much
for this.
Yep. For this time, it's just my experience
we're here for you to support you whatever.
In a business environment it could be in
a family.
And lastly,
I'm going backwards with a little bit here.
How can I support you with this?
That's my favorite.
That is that shows what, When we say
that, Stephanie, What does that show when we
say that from me? Well, I mean, it
shows we care. For 1 thing. It shows
that we care. We're we're invested in this
person,
and their well being. We want them to
succeed. We're in their corner. We we're we're
for them.
Mean, it's really, really reassuring. I love
that
completion that the cherry on top of the
Burger as it were. Yes. I think the...
I I think we've heard, you know, coaches
will say, provide, you know, the the
positive affirmation,
need for change
and the positive affirmation again. But most people
know that John. So people like, Yeah. I
get what's going on here. You're you're butter
me up because you're gonna tell me what
you don't like, and then you're gonna you're
gonna,
you know, butter me up again so I
can slide off on my way and and
be happy.
What is so unique is the offering
because you are offering something
that they may... What if they take you
up on it, you have to be willing
to to have them take you up on
your offer of how can I best support
you in this And what if they come
back and they say, I need you to?
Check in with me daily and hold me
accountable.
Or I need to I need to have
another conversation to let you know where I'm
at in life right now because it ain't
good, and it's affecting
my work life. You know, where whatever the
case may be.
So that's 1 more level I think of
us being invested
in them,
Exactly. And, you know, in the, in the
middle there, right? When you give them an
opportunity
to have this conversation around this this feedback
you're giving?
The conversation, that can be a long period
of time. Gonna be a half hour conversation.
Yeah.
Them questions.
Do do you have any idea how how
your behavior could be upsetting people?
Yeah.
Have any you care what you look like,
or, what it sounds like coming from you
You're supposed to be professional. You you can
ask a lot of questions and let them
answer. You Yeah. You put everything in the
form of a question, we're not we're not
accusing them of anything he's to asking a
question?
Right.
If they take it that way, you all
have to do this so I'm just asking
I'm just asking. Yeah.
That's.
Yeah.
And being peaceful.
Right. Do
they... Their energy might escalate,
work commas are 2... Right I've try some
people nuts.
To sit deal with the hands folded would
be a nice and common there. We're gonna,
you know?
So I've I've practiced that and the feedback
I get is
Well, don't you care?
Yeah. Aren't marks? Why aren't you more excited
about this? Don't you care? Hello?
I do. Right And I care enough to
actually sit and kinda process it. Yeah. And
that jump in
with the left hook. K.
So I think that's really
really valuable. Yeah.
So the
in leading into feedback
is,
Of course, now our environment is based on
praise.
That's a key part of all of this
in a family and a organization of business.
Is the the praise is often given in
sincerely
and when it's deserved.
So when we sit down for feedback, these
folks are come comfortable
when you say, you're doing well. So now
we're in this environment that that people are
open
to anything. Right? Any kind of conversation.
But to properly ask them if they're open
to receiving feedback.
Are you open to receiving feedback, Stephanie.
And most people are, like,
why why are they asking me that?
Right. And most say yes.
Well, in our coaching time together, I know
you have said to me,
this... And I love this phrase. May I
be outrageous bold with you? Alright.
And,
you know, the the quick answers is. Nope.
You may not. I don't wanna know. That
sounds pretty crazy.
But the truth the truthful answer is.
Yeah. Makes me wanna lean in a little
bit because now I'm curious. What is outrageous
bold look like, wow. That's new and different.
So it's kind of your interest and you
have to indulge it.
Yes. You know?
I... And it's never that bad.
It's never that bad.
Just an observation.
Oh, only once a twice in my career
of this career?
Knowing all this work. Right? Have I gone
too far?
With
b outrageous bold.
And it wasn't me... I've had people walk
out of my my workshops
you know, physical. I'll just walk right out.
Because
they're angry. III
touched a...
They were... I triggered something in them.
But the the other... The... In the thing
is, they were wonderful teachers, the people that
walk out, swearing and cursing at me. Because
the other 10 or 15 students that are
in the room,
their jaws are open
did you see that?
You know, that was a teaching learning lesson
for them to see when somebody's losing there,
you know why?
We gonna out be tech they're triggered. You
know? And that's okay. There some come back
and some done. Mh.
It just get triggered. And that's that's what
my... Our job isn't and
as a coach as a trainer,
but I've also heard you say
something to the effect of. You only go...
You've gone too far. You only know you've
gone too far when you've gone too far.
Is that it? Yeah. That's Yeah something like
that You recommend that in any manager, you
just keep
dripping on folks and...
In in a professional
loving manner. I guess you call it. Right?
But, you know, is that there's
something else to keep in mind here again
that why I urge practice, practicing this praise
and the feedback and the feedback burner.
There are some people that just do not
care.
That for some reason in their mind, they
want to be a trouble maker.
In this... In our work environment in a
business, there's no place for that and none
In a family environment, sometimes we don't have
any choice to on family.
You can't fire them, You can't give them
they're walking papers,
you could. I said, why pick.
Right. You have they're else in your house,
you know, adult children or whatever or? Family
members Else that Act like children, I...
Something like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
So, you know, III
love
to keep the childhood wonder in my being,
but doing it as an adult, you know
what I mean? Right.
Yeah. Exactly. So keep keeping that in mind,
to not pick it personally, if some people
just don't care. They just...
Keep z out, they'll do anything to disrupt.
This happened Well. And that that again, then
speaks to their motivation. And and then we
cannot...
We are obligated, not to. If we really
love them, We're obligated not to continue to
feed the monster. Speaks And the more attention
you give that,
the the... More the monster grows because that's
exactly
the motivation behind the behavior. It's it's attention
seeking behavior is all it is.
Better to be provocative and get attention then
to be quiet and be forgotten or ignored.
So so there's a lot behind that.
But
when
we want to receive feedback.
Knowing how we're framing giving feedback. We need
to be able to receive it
Right. In the same mindset under the same
paradigm by which we... Wish to offer. Right?
So
if I'm sitting here, and I've... You've said
to me, are you open to some feedback,
and I've said yes. Sure.
As you provide the feedback,
how am I responding to you?
Great. How am might am I am I
shaking, am I quiet? Is my bodies? Am
I shaking my head yes. Am I curiously
leaning in, am I saying tell me more.
Am I... How do we still move through
to complete to successful completion receiving the feedback.
In receiving. Right? Yeah.
So
I've done personally done well, and and I...
With that and receiving it because at 1
time, I never did receive it well.
Took it personally, basically.
Yep. Same. Because I took it as an
attack on me.
Yeah. The guy I realized, you know, from
training now, you remember I was conditioned to
be that
to be that knee jerk,
You hate my guts because you're telling me,
I'm doing something bad whatever. Right.
Okay. In reality, they just tell they're they
had to help most of the time they
had to help.
If it's being done
properly.
And there are just people that that will
find fault with you no matter what you
do.
You... And you still gonna sit there and
take it, you know, you're still gonna take
it.
Because, you know something that, in the end,
Stephanie,
oftentimes people that do it just to get
into your skin, do it just to get
under your skin, and that's it.
So when you say you have to take
it.
How so.
So I found that if I... Create an
argument or or justifying and defend my behavior,
that doesn't serve me any anything at all
to justify fact... The best thing when is
to accept it as as it is whatever
they're saying and not re thought or justify
and defendant it. Just see, thank you very
much. I appreciate the feedback, and that's it.
Yeah.
Whatever the ego is gonna wanna fight. It's
gonna wanna do all kinds of things.
Yeah.
But I've learned
within reason, of course, who cares.
If if they're doing it in a mean,
manner.
Mh.
I'm not gonna let this get into my
skin. I'm going to receive it that. Maybe
they're right.
Yeah.
What if they're right when they... Whatever it
is they're saying, they could...
Yeah. It might be... Things. We don't wanna
hear, but it may be what we need
to hear.
Exactly.
Right. That's absolutely. Absolutely true. I... And
I think I've done at least 1
episode on this idea of defending.
And we... When we defend, excuse and justify,
it's possible that we do really believe that
what they're saying is true.
Right. Because if we didn't believe it, we'd
be, like, really? Okay?
Truly. I mean, think about that. I think
about somebody making an accusation against you that
is saw outlandish and un of you that
you just say,
interesting. Okay. That... That's a genuine response.
If we hear something being said about us.
And we really wanna know what? That's that's
bs, or that's
that's not true. That's that is,
indicative of our concern that it may be,
because now we have to defend. We have
to fight something isn't... Something is in jeopardy.
There's danger.
Maybe I'm gonna be exposed. Maybe I'm gonna
have to make a change. Maybe I'm gonna
have to put some work into myself and
take care of this once in frog because
people keep telling me this is happening. And
I'm hurting in the, you know, them in
this way.
And that
being able to hear that and receive that,
will...
Reap its consequences.
You either take it
and honor it or you don't and you
keep on this direction.
But I... There's also then the fine line
that we must not cross, which is the
the passive aggressive
snarky.
Re
receiving, And I have engaged this once or
twice,
where,
it's
Really? What what else?
Really what else? What else? What else? Is
there more?
Tell me more?
And that is
not
receiving either.
Yeah. That's,
that's just making a point and and making
it clear that... Yeah.
It's smooth than it's more than making a
point. It's
almost picking more of a making the fight
escalate.
That's right. This just put the finger.
Yeah?
How dare you?
Alright.
K. But why? But I appreciate it, Don
because, again, 1 of the things we've talked
about is that Sarcasm
and what that really is. Yeah. Yeah It
sounds like it am.
And Yeah. That is it. So it is
on the... In that scale on that scale.
Yeah. Oh Sarcasm by, like, almost taunting them
to...
Good. What else are you're thinking... Yeah. Wait...
I'll, keep this in line. Right?
And for the most part,
especially if people are somewhat calm when they're
giving you the feedback?
Wouldn't insult to them
to ignore it
or to create a fight or justify and
defend it because they get the guts
to actually say something they actually care about
you
Yeah.
Most of the time
that I see in my experience, it has
been for people to help.
They may be
saying it wrong,
but they genuinely care enough about you.
To say, do you... Did you hear what
you just said to that person?
Yeah. No. You could know when you might
have been sarcastic or whatever and
So we... That's that's why it's best to
sit back and just and go home
and just think about what they said and
why. Is it really me?
Or is it? Because, of course, it is
just their experience. But
when they bring up other people's name, you
know, so and so told me and I
saw the expression on their phase.
Yeah.
It's gonna study ourselves. That says what personal
mastery is learning, and You, I could be
the common in the store and... Yeah.
But, you know John it is su. And
and when I refer to,
my sarcastic, what else what else. It it
wasn't...
It's because it was more like a... It
was a a fighting. You know it's it
was in a
relationship, and it was not
productive feedback. Let's just put it that way.
It it it was just So,
growing as we do and learning from our
experiences as we do,
I believe that 1 of the most freeing
things
ever
is to be able to say what if
it's true,
because that is so empowering.
It feels so empowering. What if what they
just said is true.
What if I'm literally being offered an opportunity
to level up? Yeah What if that's happening
right now? What if there is so much
available for me out here?
That I haven't tapped into yet because there's
1 little thing that I could just easily
take care of that's being brought to my
attention,
so that I can go to the next
level
and be in the places I claim I
wanna be. What if this is required to
get to the next level. And it is
so freeing to be able to say,
What if that's true? What if they're right?
I have to take a look at that
and
go 1 little little step further. To be
able then to apologize,
you know.
I mean to be able to put yourself
humbly
before somebody else
and try to make good on that harm.
That to me is the ultimate.
Recognizing it. And when you when you say,
I apologize for this. I see that it
made you feel this way.
And I used to have my kids say
is there when they would toss with each
other. I used to have them say,
how can I make it up to you?
Sure. You know,
just because now you've got completion,
now you're making the person whole.
Yes. And you are extending yourself beyond just
as sorry, which are just words I mean
come con, You know, it's just words endless?
We facilitate real change in ourselves that ensures
that that's never gonna happen again. Yeah. You
know, that is so powerful.
So 2 points on that. I'm I'm glad
you brought all all this stuff because it
it is so many layers so all this,
you know? That
So
how do I put this? So a lot
of this is ego, not being able to
say Sorry. Alright yep? Yeah
Maybe it isn't an a... I'm sorry that's
needed is so much as
hauling that person back and thanking them but
bringing that attention.
To my attention that that issue.
Yeah. Because it's gonna make me a better
person. And, you know, you brought up, you
know, how long did it take
for me? Right? Stephanie you've been coming know,
eighteenth you're doing this work, and it it
never goes away.
It it shows up here and near the
anger and the...
So,
practicing,
you know, being the observer and being quiet
and quiet man,
so,
that helps being a quiet person.
Gives me time to think before I speak.
Always always think... And and people always rushing
me and putting words in my mouth because
I think about what I'm gonna talk
about.
Never off the cuff.
And when it does come off the cuff
right away,
getting trouble for it.
Or regret it. So
it does take time and practice to be
in that place to receive it. And the
ultimate in vulnerability, which I think is a
strength. Superhuman strength.
Is to say I am sorry, or to
admit that
your observation of me is correct.
Yeah.
In my first year doing all this work,
I was in embarrassed to be me.
Because I was getting this
I I jumped into because I I said,
well, there's something to all this. Right?
And
you know, the complaining criticizing and condemning all
that stuff that we all started with him.
That was me all the way and the
swearing and all that.
And I hated to be me, but I
realized something that most of societies like that.
That's why it's so far
out there for people to grasp that it's
not good to be a complain or swearing
all the time because everybody's doing it.
Right.
Really, very challenging. That was my challenge
but now I'm I'm
happy
to not be in that place. Mh.
There's nothing peaceful an angry replace, You.
Yeah. That it separates you also.
Yes. It separates you from the masses
because that's what we hear from the masses.
So that's the expectation. The difference is, wow.
This guy makes a point is really effective,
has impactful
communication. And isn't in criticizing complaining, swearing or
engaging sarcasm,
and
that's different.
You know.
Yeah. So very, very good point there. And
that's that was my fear
of this change that was going on inside
me.
That, oh, my god, I'm gonna... I'm losing
my friends. They started drifting away.
They was still my friends, but I just
noticed it and no fighting or arguing or
anything they cited drifting way,
but
new circle of influence came.
And they are There it isn't all of
society. It's just a society. I was choosing
to be a part of.
And now my inner circle is
peaceful people.
Yes. They had this stuff going on like
we all do, but
Yeah. So there is...
I believe that the light at the end
of the tunnel may seem hard. You know
who we're talking about how hard this is.
That's what made me realize that, you know,
the hard part was I'm losing my friends.
They did... I didn't lose them. They just
saw my in a circle it's on. Yeah.
And that's okay because...
As we level up,
I like to say,
there are those there to meet you. Yeah.
Who've already done the work or who are
alongside of you doing the work and here
you all are, and I find
the same thing and that circle is so...
Meaningful.
Yeah.
If you can constantly be learning from the
people that you're... You've surrounded yourself with. I
mean, you know what they say about be
becoming like the people that you're closest with,
when those people are also working on self
mastery or working on improving themselves, working on
growing spiritually working on
contributing more to society. Yeah, I mean, what
a powerful sphere? You you get a lot
on with a very small group of people,
when you're like minded in that way.
Yeah. Exact. So give your... Can I give
you a real quick story of this in
a circle changing?
So a lot of friends in fast
drifted away.
And not in a bad way that you
just did.
Well, the last 1,
we had the most calm, and he drifted
away, and I had to a while that
it killed me to let that happen, but
it I had to.
Now I'm thinking okay. He's gone. Well, you
know what?
Year or 2 later, he calls me up
to says John. If you're not doing anything,
you come and help me.
In my hop melted right there.
So he had...
Here. He's a cancer survivor
and he can't do much anymore.
And he asked me to come up and
climb a ladder and do something form and
fix a part of his roof and a
couple other of little things.
That he can't do anymore. And even though
we drifted
was still really good friend.
Wow.
Still just not in a circle. So they're
there. Just just
and and the reason why I'm bringing that
point up is for us not to lose
that part of our friendships that they might
not be in a circle, but they're still
there not to... And re not to be
resent towards them because they're not like me
anymore. Yeah.
Absolutely.
Well, then sometimes things come a full circle
and sometimes they learn from you
and that that separation and Like you said
it doesn't have to be negative.
Right. It it can be an observation, but
but I also observed that people's...
Do tend to come back in out of
curiosity
or,
you know, they need something or they need
help with something where their life has changed
in some way. And, you know, here they
come.
Yeah. And there's there may be something there
to to impart at that time. Maybe they're
ready to learn and receive something brand new
to. Who knows? Maybe we are.
But but I I love that point, John,
because it doesn't have to be this
ami cup... You know, this is this
dish harmon. It doesn't have to be
blowing up
relationships in situations, it can just be a
very easy drifting away,
ami,
So... Okay.
So on that note, Stephanie, It's it it's...
It's important to bring this up. And
So this inner circle kinda drifts away. Right?
This is a time and a place for
feedback.
And sometimes there's no place for it.
Those folks in are drifting a away, you
don't wanna be going around your hundred friends
that are all in just out of circle
now.
And saying you have to I have to
give them feedback.
We need to be careful with that, You
know, it's gonna be
an intimate
thing
Yes. You know what I'm saying that this
do personal...
Yeah. Good point. So that's why Practicing...
Makes perfect they say. And practicing
giving and receiving feedback,
doesn't mean to say every single person in
my life
Right. You need to be careful of that.
Right?
Absolutely.
Yes.
Good point.
Yeah.
Well, this is a fantastic place to leave
it for today. I cannot believe how the
time flies,
talk about this all day, but we will...
Pick this up and continue on. We have
more to talk about as it relates to
conflict
resolution.
And so anything you wanna leave us with
this time around John, to practice until the
next time we meet again.
Yes.
I'm just gonna put this out there practice,
being the calm in the storm.
Then writing it down. Yep. That's our inner
piece.
The common in the stone is the inner
piece. You know you've mastered it. Okay. That's
my...
My challenge for the next couple of weeks.
I love it. Okay. Good. Yeah. You too.
Thank you. Challenge accepted?
We'll provide some feedback on how it went
next time.
And as always, thank you so so much
for your time. And, John, if people want
to reach out to you know your websites
under construction right now,
but how might they reach thought you do
you prefer email, if they're looking for help?
Yeah. The pump my phone number. Was 06:03
24423180
And,
I'm really changing everything about my my my
business and how I do things. So that's
why it's a total
redo.
Excellent. I'm grateful to be here. Thank you
very much. Yeah. Thank you.
Here now. You too. Thanks so much for
listening to the Stephanie Stevens show. Please remember
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