Welcome to the Money is Emotional podcast
with Christine
Lukin,
the financial
dignity
coach. In this podcast,
we help you recover a positive and peaceful
relationship with your personal finances.
We do this by bringing together wise money
management with emotional intelligence.
Join us for this journey where we navigate
our relationship with money as Christine Lukin
draws from years of experience
and guest experts to help you get to
the root of your money issues.
Hello, my friend.
Welcome
to the Money is Emotional podcast. I am
your host, Christine Lukin.
Today's episode
is contentment,
comparison,
and
envy.
I am rereading
one of my
favorite books about emotion,
Atlas of the Heart.
In it, Brene Brown focuses
on the language we use
to describe our emotional experiences.
A few of these emotions
are
particularly
relevant to
money.
I want to share her findings
on
comparison,
envy,
and contentment,
along with
my observations
about how these apply
particularly
to
money.
The section in the book that I am
focusing on for this podcast episode is called
the places we go when we compare.
And, boy,
do we love to compare ourselves with others
when it comes to finances
and
material things.
Social media
has made it so much easier
for
us to compare ourselves to other people
and to compare ourselves
to
a much broader
range
of people.
Pre social media,
when I was growing up,
you know, as a teenager and even as
a young adult,
the people who we compared ourselves
to
were the people in our neighborhoods,
the people in our family, the people in
our schools.
Now
we can compare ourselves
to literally the entire
world.
Comparison
itself
is not an emotion,
but rather it's an activity
that we do
that leads to all kinds of emotions.
We have
so many sayings
regarding comparison,
and you might have heard some of these.
Things like
comparison
is the thief of joy.
Focus on your own journey.
Don't compare your beginning to someone else's middle
or ending.
The only person you should compare yourself
is who you were yesterday.
If we know
that comparison
has the tendency to make us feel bad,
Why do we do it?
I think it is just a natural
human tendency
to look at what others are doing
and accomplishing
and measure ourselves against
it. We're looking at a social norm. We're
saying,
you know, how do we measure up? Are
we doing the right thing? How do I
even know?
And
I love this quote
from the book
where Brene Brown
talks about comparison.
Comparison
says,
be like everyone else,
but better.
And isn't that exactly
what comparison does?
We look at other people,
and
we either want to
be where people are or a little bit
ahead of them.
We feel good about ourselves
when
we compare
with somebody else,
and
it looks like we're on equal footing,
or we're doing better than that person in
a particular area.
But if that other person seems to be
doing better than us, then we suddenly feel
bad about ourselves.
Have you ever had this experience
of
accomplishing
something or maybe buying something new and being
super excited
about your accomplishment
or this thing that you bought
until
you compared yourself with someone else.
Right? Maybe you were so excited about your
new car,
and then
you find out your cousin or your friend
also has a new car, but it's a
better and more expensive car than yours.
Then all of a sudden,
this car that you will you are feeling
amazing about
five minutes ago, all of a sudden, doesn't
seem like enough.
I know I've had that experience.
Surely, I'm not the only person
who has had this experience.
So
this is
this is the trap of comparison.
Right? Because
we're not focused on
ourselves. We're focused on
how we measure up compared to somebody else.
So
I love that quote about comparison.
Be like everyone else, but better.
Now here's the second thing I wanna talk
about.
Because you might be wondering
why
in the title, when I said
comparison,
Envy, and Contentment.
Why I didn't use
jealousy.
So
here's the interesting thing I learned from this
book, and it was a total shocker when
I read the book the first time several
years ago.
If you want what someone else has, you're
actually not
jealous.
So,
this truth bomb surprised me because
I rarely
used the word
envious.
And
this actually came to came as a surprise
to the author as well as she was
researching this book. So according to Brene Brown,
jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship
or part of a relationship that we already
have.
So you feel jealous
when someone is pulling away from you.
So you might feel jealous
that your
bestie
constantly talks about a new fun coworker
and makes plans
with this new friend without you.
You might feel jealous that your spouse now
spends much of their free time playing pickleball
with friends instead of hanging out around the
house with you.
Jealousy
typically happens when you
fear
losing
someone to another person.
So for the most part,
jealousy doesn't have to do with possessions or
finances.
Rather, it has to do with losing
the affection
and attention
of someone who is already in your life.
So I thought that was super interesting because,
typically,
when we say we want something that someone
else has, we use the word jealous. We
don't use the word
envious.
And
when we want something that someone else has,
we even use these cutesy sayings
about
we don't even wanna say jealous
because
that sounds like we're being petty.
We'll use the word jelly.
Right? We come up with these cute names,
like,
oh, I'm so jelly that you got to
go to Italy this summer.
Rather than saying,
I'm envious
that you got to go to Italy this
summer and I didn't.
So
when we talk about being jealous or being
jelly of someone's income, their vacation, their car,
their lucrative business deal,
we're actually not
jealous.
We're envious.
So the definition of envy
is
envy occurs when we want something
that another person has.
Why do we have difficulty saying,
I'm envious of that person?
For some reason,
envy
feels more devious
than jealousy.
Why is that?
Here's my theory.
I think it might be because
the Hebrew and the Christian
scriptures
speak specifically
against
envy.
So, for example,
Proverbs fourteen thirty says, a heart at peace
gives life to the body,
but envy rots the bones.
I doubt any of us
want rotten bones.
Also, the tenth commandment warns us not to
covet anything that belongs to our neighbor.
Covet
is a synonym for envy. It means we
want what someone else has.
So but here is the important distinction. When
we are truly envious,
it comes with some hostility.
That's why we don't wanna say it.
Envy,
really, at the heart says,
I wanna take what you have.
I should have it, and you shouldn't.
So there's some sort of judgment
going on there.
You judge the other person as being unworthy
of whatever it is,
and you elevate yourself.
So it's like,
you have this good thing, but you don't
deserve it.
I deserve this good thing. You don't.
That's when we really feel
envy.
We feel envious when we want something another
person has,
and
we don't want them to have it.
We don't want them to have it. And
here's the thing.
Most of the time, we don't feel
envious of
people we don't know.
Occasionally, we do.
But most of the time,
we feel envious
of
people that we know.
Right? Your brother-in-law
gets an amazing promotion,
and his family has the opportunity
to move to Florida or California or someplace
where it's nice and sunny all the time.
And
you think your brother-in-law is kind of a
jerk.
And so
you don't think he even deserves this promotion.
Right? You're like, gosh. He's such a jerk.
Like,
you're really envious. Right? You want that promotion.
You want that high paying position.
You wanna be able to move all expenses
paid someplace where it's warm and sunny all
the time.
Envy happens when we can't feel happy for
somebody else's success.
So when you find yourself using the word
jealous,
you really need to ask yourself, am I
really jealous,
or
am I envious?
Do I not want this person to have
it?
Now here's what's interesting.
In my opinion,
I think envy is actually
a gift.
Why is that?
We usually feel
envy
when we have a
hidden
or suppressed
desire
for something.
Desire
occurs
when we want something,
but not necessarily at someone else's expense.
So when we have a healthy desire
for something,
we can be
happy
for someone else who has it,
and
we can also want it for ourselves.
But sometimes, envy
points
us to a desire
that we've not allowed ourselves
to have or fully express.
You know, unfortunately,
many of us have been conditioned
to suppress
our desires
and
to not want
too much.
You know, maybe we've been told, don't be
selfish
when we expressed
desires, especially as children.
You know, maybe you asked for a toy
for your birthday
or for Christmas.
And at five or six years old, you
really didn't have a comprehension
of
what things cost. So maybe you asked for
a gift that your parents
really couldn't afford.
And so you
maybe you were shamed for that. You know,
maybe one of your parents said,
don't be selfish. We can't afford that.
And then
you internalized
that shame,
and you were basically
conditioned
that
I'm not supposed to want things,
or I'm not supposed to
express
that I want things.
And some of this is
societal conditioning.
Right? We've been
told that
we shouldn't be selfish.
I see this especially
with
women who have kids.
I believe that society has conditioned many of
us,
especially parents,
to
put their desires
as secondary
and less important,
especially women.
And I'm not saying all women.
But in general,
most moms that I
know, they put their kids first.
Now I'm not saying you shouldn't love your
kids
and make them a priority.
But the problem is if you've been conditioned
to put your desire secondary
and less important
as your partner or your kids,
then
that can certainly be a problem.
It's a problem because you are expressing
I'm sorry. You're not expressing. You're suppressing
your natural
desires.
So let me give you an example of
this. Oh, quite a few years back
pre COVID,
I was coaching a woman who was going
through divorce.
She and her soon to be ex husband
had, I wanna say, five kids.
And
they were getting to the point to where
the youngest kid was just about ready to
graduate from high school.
So
the husband had said that he wanted a
divorce.
She wasn't necessarily
a hot mess with money,
but she knew that she was a hot
mess emotionally.
And
she was concerned
that
she would make some emotional
money decisions if she didn't have someone to
guide her.
With all of my clients, part of what
we do
is
create a vision board.
Because
in order for me to
create a plan to help somebody,
I need to know
two things.
I need to know
where are we right now,
And that's the process of digging through all
the numbers and finding out what are you
spending,
what assets do you have, what debts do
you have, all that good stuff.
But then the other part of it is,
what does your preferred financial future look like?
I need to have those two pieces of
information in order to help my clients create
a plan
to get them from point a to point
b, but we have to define those two
points.
And so I
gave this to her as homework, and I
said, you know, I'd like you to create
your vision board. I gave her some prompts
for some different things to think about.
And when she came to her next session,
she showed me her vision board, and she
was telling me all the things on her
vision board.
And she said,
you know, I wanna have
money so that
I can take the kids on vacation at
least once a year. And she was telling
me about all these different things on her
vision board.
But what I found very interesting was
every single thing on her vision board
had something to do with her kids.
And so I stopped her, and I said,
hey.
I said,
this is great.
I'm glad you want these things.
But
what do you want
just for you?
What do you want for you and nobody
else?
And she started crying.
And I said,
what's wrong?
And she
said, no one has ever asked me that
before.
No one had ever asked her, what do
you want?
Just for you.
Not for your kids. Not for your family.
Not for your ex husband.
What do you want for you?
She had been a mom so long that
she had completely
lost herself.
She didn't even know what she wanted.
So I asked her to take some time
and think about it.
And honestly,
it it took her
several weeks
for her to
finally
define
some things that she wanted
just for herself and for nobody else, and
to add those
to her vision board.
So
identifying
the things that we desire
is important.
And sometimes envy can point us
to those things.
It can show us
desires that maybe
we have buried.
And we may need to ask ourselves some
questions.
Now,
why am I envious of that person? Why
do I think it's unfair that they have
that and I don't?
What is it about their situation
that
maybe I really have
a desire for, that I've never
verbalized
before.
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So sometimes
comparison
can inspire us,
and it can spark a healthy desire
for something more.
So if we experience
someone
or we witness someone experiencing
success, financial or otherwise,
it can give us a vision of what's
possible
for us.
Maybe you never considered
starting a business,
going on a European vacation, becoming an author,
or making over a hundred thousand dollars a
year.
But then you witnessed your friend, your coworker,
or a family member do that.
And you think I want that too.
So in my experience,
the more connected I am with
my desires
and my vision for my life,
the less I compare myself with others.
And when I do,
I am more mindful. Like, when I see
someone that has something and I feel
that spark of envy
or maybe that spark of desire,
I can be curious about that and say,
why
are these feelings coming up? What is it
about this person or their situation
that
is igniting these feelings in me?
Right? Am I
am I envious because this person is
so confident about
their abilities and their business and the way
that they're talking about it online?
And
that's something that
I wanna be able to do too,
rather than having it be something negative.
Healthy desire
can pull us forward
into a more expansive
future.
So let's talk about
contentment.
Contentment is a state of happiness,
satisfaction.
It's a feeling of completeness,
appreciation,
and enoughness.
Here's what I find interesting.
As I'm looking at
some of these
different descriptors
of contentment. So contentment and satisfaction
are very close relatives of each other. And
the definition of satisfaction
is the fulfillment
of one's desires
and the pleasure
derived from this.
So contentment is the emotion
we feel
when we enjoy
what is.
I'm gonna read that again.
Contentment is the emotion
we feel when we enjoy
what is.
Gratitude
and contentment
are also closely related.
Gratitude is a deep sense of appreciation
for what we already have.
And here is the lie that I think
we have been told.
You can only feel one thing at a
time.
If we feel contentment,
it must mean that we have no desire
for something else.
Or if we desire
the next level in our business or if
we desire a new car, we can't be
intent
or satisfied
or appreciate
the car we already have.
That's not true.
We can feel two things
at the same time.
We have a tendency to see things
very black and white,
very dualistic.
And
many times,
it's
there's a lot more shades of gray when
it comes to our feelings. There's a lot
more
nuance.
We think we can't feel content if we
still desire something.
And that's not true.
We can have unmet desires
and still enjoy
our present circumstances.
Because here's the thing.
As humans,
we are always growing.
We are always evolving.
We are always changing.
And that's a good thing.
All living things grow.
And so I think it is a good
thing
for us to
have things to look forward to,
things to
grow into,
both personally, professionally,
and in our finances.
And we can also be grateful
for everything that we have right now.
The inside cover of my planner
has a quote that I love. It says,
grateful for where I'm at,
excited
about where I'm going.
And that is the sweet spot,
being content and grateful for what is
while feeling
positive
anticipation
for the desires
that are coming.
Now constant comparison
with others
makes it challenging
to feel content.
So we want to
keep that comparison
in check.
If you feel like there are
certain
triggers
that cause you to compare
to the point
of making yourself miserable,
you may need to
stage an intervention for yourself.
Maybe there are
certain people that you follow online.
Maybe there's certain friends or family members that
you see on social media that trigger
this comparison
for you on a constant basis. Well, maybe
you need to unfollow them. Maybe you need
to hide them. Maybe you need to snooze
them.
You may not need to unfriend them,
completely or ban them from your social media,
but
sometimes you just need to spend less time
on that
and
cultivate
more gratitude for what you have.
Now you can increase
your contentment
by purposely
finding things in your life to appreciate
and to be grateful for
even as you pursue
your
desires.
One of the best things that I have
implemented in my own life
is
a gratitude practice,
and I do it
every single day.
I instituted this gratitude practice
during one of the worst years
of my life and business, which was
2019.
I had five people
that died
that year that I was close to, and
two of them
by suicide.
Personally, it was a very devastating year for
me.
And
because of
the grief and the sadness,
my business did not do well.
As you can imagine,
it's really hard to show up
and be positive
and
call in high vibe clients
when
you are dealing with
that level of compounded
grief.
But in the middle
of that
year,
I decided
that
even though I was grieving,
even though I was having a hard time,
because four of those people
died
between
February
and April.
Four out of the five. So within sixty
days. That's a lot of compounded sadness in
a very short period of time.
So around June,
I instituted a gratitude practice,
and I wrote down
every single day
three things that I was grateful for.
So I would think about what's right in
front of me that I can be grateful
for, or
what's something that happened yesterday, or a person
that I encountered yesterday,
that
said something positive to me,
a person that I could be grateful for,
or
just grateful for the fact that I have
running water, and I can take a hot
shower whenever I want to.
We can always find reasons
to be
grateful.
And I have kept that up
ever since.
So I've been doing that for five and
a half years now.
Every single morning, I write down three things
that I'm grateful for,
and I really feel the gratitude. It's not
just writing it down.
I feel
into it. I close my eyes. I think
about that thing or that person or that
experience, and I feel that gratitude in my
body.
And just by doing that,
first of all,
within the first year of doing that,
my mood
and my life
did a complete
one eighty.
And,
yes, I still have moments
of comparison,
But I'm able to stop myself and say,
I am on my own path,
and this person is on a different path.
And if I feel that envious spark, I
can ask myself, what is it about that
person
or about that situation or whatever it is
that they have
that might be a desire in me? Is
there really a desire in me for that?
If so, maybe I need to add that
to my vision board.
So that's what I want you to think
about.
I want you to think about
comparison.
I want you to think about
contentment
and envy,
especially when it comes to money and finances.
And increase your contentment
by practicing
gratitude,
even
as you pursue
your
desires.
One of my mentors has an amazing saying,
Melanie Ann Lehr. She says,
Have one foot
in gratitude
and one foot in desire.
So if you think about taking a walk,
as you're walking,
one foot is always on the ground.
As you're transitioning
and that back foot is coming up, your
front foot is coming down and being planted
firmly
in the present
as the other foot is moving forward
into the future.
So if you can think about this as
you're walking
through life,
you have one foot firmly planted
in the present
with gratitude,
And the other foot is moving forward
into the future,
stepping into those desires.
And as you
accomplish
and attain those desires,
then you feel
grateful
and content.
Well, my friend,
this is where I leave you for today.
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this conversation,
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Until next time, this is Christine Lukin
reminding you that you're good enough,
you're smart enough, and, gosh darn it, people
like you,
including me.
Bye for now.
Thank you for listening to the Money is
Emotional podcast.
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